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Practicing Kindness Toward Oneself: Mindfulness and the Science of Self-Compassion Kristin Neff, PhD - Main Session - pg. 1

How to Apply Mindfulness to

Your Life and Work

Practicing Kindness Toward Oneself:

Mindfulness and the Science of Self-Compassion

the Main Session with

Kristin Neff, PhD and Ruth Buczynski, PhD

National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine


How to Apply Mindfulness to Your Life and Work: Kristin Neff, PhD

Practicing Kindness Toward Oneself: Mindfulness and the Science of Self-Compassion

Table of Contents

(click to go to a page)

Self-Compassion: Being a Good Friend to Yourself ................................................. 3

How to be a Good Friend to Yourself ...................................................................... 4

Self-Esteem or Self-Compassion: What is the Difference? ..................................... 6

The Link between Self-Compassion and Well-Being ............................................... 9

The Link between Self-Esteem and Narcissism ....................................................... 11

Self-Compassion’s Link to Lowering Depression and Anxiety ................................. 13

How Self-Compassion Improves Relationships ....................................................... 15

How Caregiver Self-Compassion Impacts the Patient ............................................. 18

Strategies for Being More Compassionate ............................................................. 19

A Self-Compassion Workshop ................................................................................ 19

How to Help People Become Self-Compassionate ................................................. 23

About Leaving Insecurity Behind ............................................................................ 25

The Self-Compassion Break: A Take Home Tool ...................................................... 27

References ............................................................................................................. 29

About the Speakers ................................................................................................ 30


Dr. Buczynski: Hello everyone. Welcome back. I’m Dr. Ruth Buczynski, a licensed psychologist in the State of

Connecticut and the President of the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. I’m

so glad you’re here.

We have an important topic. The research shows that self-compassion improves happiness as well as

intimate relationships and relationships in general.

So, let’s dig in. We’re going to look into that with an expert, someone who has devoted her career to

studying self-compassion. We’re going to look at how it’s studied, how we can measure it, and how we, as

practitioners, can use it.

My guest is Dr. Kristin Neff. She is an Associate Professor of Human Development and Culture at the

University of Texas at Austin. She is co-developer with Chris Germer of an eight week program that teaches

mindful self-compassion. She’s also the author of the book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and

Leave Insecurity Behind.

One last thing I’ll say is that, over and over again, many of our other guests brought up her work and talked

about how important self-compassion is. That’s why I really want you to hear her.

So, Kristin, welcome. It’s a pleasure to have you. I’m honored to have you, and I’m excited about us digging

into this topic.

Dr. Neff: Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you inviting me.

Self-Compassion: Being a Good Friend to Yourself

Dr. Buczynski: I wonder if you’d mind if I start by asking you how you got interested in self-compassion.

Dr. Neff: No, not at all. It was completely for me. It was my last year in graduate school at UC Berkley in

California. I was under a lot of stress. Would I get my PhD?

How to Apply Mindfulness to Your Life and Work: Kristin Neff, PhD

Practicing Kindness Toward Oneself: Mindfulness and the Science of Self-Compassion


The bigger stress was if I did, would I get a job? I thought I would learn to meditate. When in Rome do as the

Romans do. When in Berkley learn how to meditate.

The very first night I went to the meditation class, the woman leading the

course talked about the importance of giving yourself compassion as well

as giving compassion to others.

It was really a light bulb moment. I thought, “Wow, this is something I can do for myself.”

This was a resource I never knew I had. I started being a good friend to myself, kind and supportive, and it

transformed my life very quickly.

When I got to my job at UT Austin, I thought it would be a good thing to research. Rather than just a good

idea, we can say this really works.

How to be a Good Friend to Yourself

Dr. Buczynski: Kristin, it’s a little vague to say, “I started being a good friend to myself.” What exactly did she

mean when she told you this? What did you do to be a good friend to yourself?

Dr. Neff: The journey was a little more complicated. First of all, when I researched self-compassion, I came

up with a very clear operational definition. You can’t be vague especially for research.

When she talked about self-compassion, she talked more about being compassionate, supportive, and kind –

being caring to yourself. I read a lot of books to supplement that – books largely written by meditation,

mindfulness people. I can give you my operational definition if you want.

Dr. Buczynski: Yes, I’d like that.

Dr. Neff: When I was deciding how to operationalize self-compassion from my point of view, I realized that

compassion for self and others isn’t different.

The experience is the same, but it’s just that we usually give

compassion to others a lot more often than to ourselves. I read

a lot of books on compassion.

“I started being a good

friend to myself, kind

and supportive, and it

transformed my life.”

“Compassion for self and others

isn’t different. We usually give

compassion to others a lot

more often than to ourselves.”


I purposed that there are three main elements of self-compassion. The first is the most obvious. That’s being

a good friend to yourself.

In other words, treating yourself with kindness, care, understanding, and

patience as opposed to harsh self-judgment and negative global

evaluations, such as, you’re a failure or you’re worthless.

It’s more than that, and here are the two other very important elements. With compassion, it’s very

important that there’s a sense of interconnectedness.

With self-compassion, we frame our experience of suffering or failure or imperfection in light of the shared

human experience. That’s what differentiates self-compassion from self-pity.

What often happens when we’re facing some struggle, or we feel bad about ourselves in some way, is that

there’s this irrational perception that something has gone wrong – what is happening is not the way things

are supposed to be.

Normal is when everything is perfect, and when it’s not, something has gone wrong. There’s this sense that

everyone else in life is having these perfectly happy, successful lives, and it’s just me who’s failed, whose

been rejected.

That creates a real sense of isolation and separation from others which

really adds insult to injury.

With self-compassion, we remember that all people aren’t perfect – all people struggle. When you do that,

every moment of suffering becomes opportunity for a sense of human connection.

The third component which is very important is the mindfulness component. Most of us as you know don’t

like to acknowledge pain. We like to turn away from it, avoid it, or else maybe fight it all through our life.

You can’t open your heart to yourself and give yourself compassion, kindness, care, and concern if you aren’t

willing and brave enough to turn towards your own pain – to

acknowledge it and to see it as it is.

At the same time, mindfulness is a balanced awareness. It requires

that you aren’t running off with a dramatic storyline of, “Oh, this is

so terrible. I’ve gained five pounds. My life is coming to an end.”

“With self-compassion,

we remember that all

people struggle.”

“With compassion, it’s

very important that

there’s a sense of

interconnectedness.”

“You can’t open your heart

to yourself and give yourself

compassion if you aren’t

willing and brave enough to

turn towards your own pain.”


With mindfulness, we see things as they are: no more and no less. That’s really the precondition to having

the experience of self-compassion.

Self-Esteem or Self-Compassion: What is the Difference?

Dr. Buczynski: Self-esteem which sounds similar to self-compassion has been studied a lot. Since the 1970’s,

especially in education, we’ve done a lot to try to build up self-

esteem. Why do we need to now have self-compassion?

Haven’t we already done this, or what’s the difference?

Dr. Neff: One of the reasons I wanted to do research on self-

compassion – I did two years of post-doctoral study with one of the country’s leading self-esteem

researchers – is that I wanted to become much more familiar with that literature. Although psychologists

were in love with self-esteem, most research psychologists these days aren’t. That’s because of things like –

to have self-esteem, you have to feel special and above average.

Everybody has to feel special and above average, which is logically impossible. We’re creating this game of

social comparison, but that’s not a winnable game – there’s always someone doing it better.

So, people adopt these maladaptive strategies, like prejudice, to have high self-esteem. Why are we

prejudiced? We can feel good about ourselves compared to others.

Why do middle school kids start to bully others? It makes them feel more powerful and more important.

Some people take the need to be above average very seriously

and become narcissistic. A lot of researchers have documented

that levels of narcissism among young people are among the

highest levels ever recorded.

The biggest problem with self-esteem is its contingent on success. We have high self-esteem when we

succeed, but our self-esteem takes a nose dive when we fail.

Self-esteem is a global evaluation of self-worth: “I’m a good person, or I’m a bad person.”

Self-compassion does not have to do with self-evaluation. It’s a way of relating kindly to yourself whether

“We’re creating this game of

social comparison, but that’s not

a winnable game – there’s

always someone doing it better.”

“Researchers have documented

that levels of narcissism among

young people are among the

highest levels ever recorded.”


you’ve succeeded or whether you’ve failed. It doesn’t require social comparison. It just requires being a

human being – that sense of shared humanity.

Self-compassion also steps in precisely where self-esteem deserts you, and

that’s when you fail, or you feel bad about yourself.

It’s really a much more robust and stable source. Research shows self-compassion as a stable source of self-

worth rather than self-esteem.

We have a lot of research differentiating the two and it shows that self-compassion offers some of the

mental health benefits of self-esteem, but not the down sides like social comparison, narcissism, and

contingency of self-worth.

Dr. Buczynski: When people have done the research on self-esteem, they’re actually finding, beyond just the

conjecture but actual evidence, of self-esteem leading to other things that are less than what we want?

Dr. Neff: There’s a huge body of research literature on this. The social

psychologists have had a field day basically over the last ten years.

There’s research showing, for instance, when you prime self-esteem to

help people feel better about themselves, they’re more aggressive in

lab based interactions. Certainly, there’s a link in tracking the self-esteem movement in the schools with

narcissism levels among undergraduates.

The literature is actually quite large. I won’t go into it, but there are nice meta-analyses and overviews of the

problems with self-esteem.

There’s a fair amount of consensus that it’s not the self-esteem that’s bad.

Self-esteem is good. It’s just that how you get it may be bad.

Self-compassion is a healthy source of self-esteem. Social comparison is an

unhealthy source.

Dr. Buczynski: We’re not going to spend a lot of time on the research details, but I think it’s important to

know a little bit about it, so we can get a sense of how valid this construct is. How are we measuring self-

esteem versus self-compassion?

“Research shows self-

compassion as a stable

source of self-worth

rather than self-esteem.”

“Self-compassion

does not have to do

with self-evaluation.”

“Self-compassion is

a healthy source of

self-esteem. Social

comparison is an

unhealthy source.”


Dr. Neff: Self-esteem is measured in the same way as self-compassion.

The most common way is with the self-report scale.

When I first decided I wanted to measure self-compassion, I knew the

easiest way to start would be to create a scale that measures these

components of self-compassion, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-esteem is typically

viewed with this kind of self-report scale.

The scale has turned out to be better than I expected. There can be a lot of problems with self-report – it may

not be objective – it may be very biased.

We just published a study looking at romantic partners – 100 couples. The correlation between self-report to

self-compassion, using my scale, and the partner reports where the partner fills out the scale as he/she

thinks it applies to their partner, the correlation was 72 which is very high.

Obviously, there are some observable behaviors that the scale is tapping into.

Having said that, research has really moved on, and a lot of people are using other ways to measure self-

compassion.

For instance, they might have someone in a lab based experiment think about a failure and write a

compassionate letter to themselves to see how that changes their self-compassion as compared to writing a

letter to themselves that boosts self-esteem. There’s a fair amount of research using that methodology.

Dr. Buczynski: But in the end, we have no other measure. We’re not measuring cortisol levels.

Dr. Neff: That’s very new. We do know that inducing a self-compassionate mood reduces cortisol, increases

heart rate variability, and activates the insula (part of the brain

within the cerebral cortex).

Dr. Buczynski: How valid is that research?

Dr. Neff: It’s new, so it’s hard to say how valid it is. You have to

remember – this started a little over ten years ago when I published two articles. All of this is really new. I’m

sure a lot of people are going to be moving toward measures of this, especially, and I’m really excited about

this, the link between self-compassion and oxytocin.

“Self-esteem is measured

in the same way as self-

compassion: with the

self-report scale.”

“Inducing a self-compassionate

mood reduces cortisol,

increases heart rate variability,

and activates the insula.”


There are theoretical reasons to think there’s a pretty strong link, but oxytocin is hard to measure.

The Link between Self-Compassion and Well-Being

Dr. Neff: The field is new, but there’s enough research including some meta-analyses on the link between self

-compassion and well-being. I feel pretty confident that this is a

valid construct. There are over 200 studies.

Dr. Buczynski: When you’re talking about 200 studies, are they in

peer review journals?

Dr. Neff: Yes, and some of those are dissertations. I don’t know the numbers. The last time I checked it was

about 200. The evidence is really solid.

Studies in journals are showing multiple methodologies. There’s really no question that it’s been empirically

proven at this point, at least as much as anything can be empirically proven.

Dr. Buczynski: Could you pick out one or two studies that you think are exciting and well done?

Dr. Neff: There’s one study I like about self-compassion and motivation. Most people think that self-

compassion undermines your motivation – the idea that you’re going to let yourself off the hook.

Dr. Buczynski: Let’s take a moment to go into that since you bring it up. I was raised to motivate myself by

sort of a tough coach – “Come on. Get out there. Don’t be lazy.”

Dr. Neff: Right. Your grandparents were probably raised with the added idea: “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”

It also went to one’s children.

Most people have dropped that approach of raising children, but

they still use it with themselves. Again, there’s ample evidence

to combat, I would say, misperception.

Self-criticism works to a certain degree to get you going.

There’s constructive self-criticism. That’s not a problem, but when it’s at the level of global self-worth –

“You’re a failure , you’re lazy, I’m ashamed of you” – those types of global evaluations are counterproductive.

“The field is new, but there’s

enough research including

some meta-analyses on the

link between self-

compassion and well-being.”

“There’s constructive self-

criticism. That’s not a problem,

but global evaluations are

counterproductive.”


First of all, they undermine your self-confidence, and we know that for motivation, self-confidence is huge.

We also know that global self-criticism activates cortisol levels – makes you feel anxious and scared. It

activates the threat and defense system.

Self-criticism is linked to depression, which isn’t exactly a great motivational mindset!

Self-criticism also makes you afraid of failure. If you know that failure’s going to be met with your own

internal harsh critic, it’s better not to even try or to blame someone else if you

can get away with it.

Self-compassion is like having a compassionate parent. When you fail, you

don’t say, “I hate you,” but you say, “I accept you anyway.”

But here’s the idea: Compassion is focused on concern with the alleviation of suffering.

Compassion wants health and well-being for others or one’s self, and that itself is the motivational force.

If you’re engaging in behaviors that harm you or you’re not engaging in behaviors that would help you, you

aren’t really promoting your own well-being.

Self-compassion and motivation is much like a parent who says to their kid who has just gotten a failing

grade, “Hey I love you. It’s okay, but you need to study more...”

Here’s the key, “How can I help and support you?”

Instead of the parent saying, “I’m ashamed of you. You’re not

good,” which is going to undermine motivation, the parent says,

“I accept you. I love you. How can I encourage and support

you?” That’s going to be much more effective in the long run.

I’ve had this idea for a long time, but a lot of people said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah...” But there are several studies

now, and I hope there will be more that show this.

There was a series of four experiments in the top social psychology journal – the Journal of Personality and

Social Psychology.

This is the top social psychology journal. I can’t remember every single study, but there were four studies –

one with two women out of UC Berkley. They had participants, for instance, do a learning task where they

“Compassion is

focused on concern

with the alleviation

of suffering.”

“‘I accept you. I love you. How

can I encourage and support

you?’ That’s going to be much

more effective in the long run.”


had to solve some problems that were, of course, really difficult – these were clever social psychologists.

They induced either a self-compassionate mood by having people think about words of self-compassion to

themselves. They induced a mood of higher self-esteem – positive self-affirmations, “I’m great. I’m

wonderful.” They had a third control condition, which I have to be

honest, I don’t remember what it was right now.

But they found that people who were induced to be more self-

compassionate – to be in that mood – persisted longer at the learning

task after failure. They were given the opportunity to do the task again –to find out ways that could improve

their performance – and they persisted at it longer.

Some other studies looked at the willingness to repair past mistakes.

I’d have to have the study in front of me, but there are basically four studies looking at that in various ways.

These studies showed that if you help people be self-compassionate

about mistakes or failures, they’re going to be more motivated to

change their behavior. They’re going to be more willing to persist.

Dr. Buczynski: Thank you. I’m taking notes on that.

Dr. Neff: By the way, for people interested in the research, I have the actual PDFs on my website of a large

majority of research studies on self-compassion. If anyone wants details, people can get access to the

research there.

The Link between Self-Esteem and Narcissism

Dr. Buczynski: Before we move on and off of the research, what makes us link self-esteem with the increase

in narcissism?

Dr. Neff: It’s pretty much in the tracking of the levels, and we see this in the work of Jean Twenge and Keith

Campbell. They can’t directly link it with the self-esteem movement in schools – it’s correlational research.

But there seems to be a pretty strong association…especially in those parts of the country like California

“Who were induced to be

more self-compassionate

persisted longer at the

learning task after failure.”

“If you help people be self-

compassionate about

mistakes or failures, they’re

going to be more motivated

to change their behavior.”


where there’s a really strong self-esteem movement.

It’s not just correlational. There are other studies, for instance, that look at boosting people’s self-esteem to

see if it increases narcissistic behavior. I should say that this is more the social psychology sense of narcissism

and not necessarily the clinical definition of narcissism which is a personality disorder.

In social psychology, we think of narcissism as people being really self-focused and egocentric and displaying

behaviors as if they think they’re superior. It’s perhaps a little different than narcissistic personality disorder.

We should probably clarify that a little bit.

Dr. Buczynski: That’s helpful.

Dr. Neff: It’s probably more complicated with narcissistic personality

disorder. I’m not a clinician, so I can’t really speak about that part.

Dr. Buczynski: You’ve measured how frequently someone uses the I pronoun…What are you finding?

Dr. Neff: We did one study where we looked at people talking about past failures. Do they tend to use “I”

more often or “we” more often? How often did they mention common humanity or other people?

It does seem like the language of self-compassionate people, as measured by my scale, seems to use more

connective language.

This is interesting. People writing about failures use negative words just as much as anyone else. In other

words, self-compassion isn’t positive thinking.

There’s a lot of research showing that people who are more self-compassionate, in general, still have the

same number of negative thoughts and emotions. But what is different is how they hold them.

Dr. Buczynski: We need to hear more about that. Can you give us

a contrast?

Dr. Neff: This is really important. With positive thinking,

everything’s great even when it’s not. It’s kind of a whitewashing –

a sugar coating of the reality that sometimes life is really hard and

not so great.

With self-compassion, and this is where the mindfulness piece comes in, you’re mindfully acknowledging and

“The language of self-

compassionate people,

as measured by my scale,

seems to use more

connective language.”

“People who are more self-

compassionate still have the

same number of negative

thoughts and emotions. But

what is different is how

they hold them.”


turning toward accepting fully that suffering is present, which means that maybe you have a thought and

notice: “Wow, this really hurts. I’m really upset. I’m angry.”

Whatever the experience is, you relate to that negative thought or

emotion in a compassionate way. It’s as if you embrace the

suffering with a sense of kindness, caring, and connectedness.

That’s what makes it so powerful – you’re helping to soothe and

comfort yourself in the midst of a negative mental experience.

But at the same time, you’re generating a positive emotion, and the positive emotion is one of care and

connectedness and presence.

So, self-compassion is linked equally to reductions in psychopathology – conditions like anxiety, depression,

and stress – as well as increases in happiness.

It doesn’t mean that self-compassionate people don’t avoid their negative thoughts or repress them. Quite

the opposite, they turn toward them, but they relate to them with kindness. That’s where the real power is.

Self-Compassion’s Link to Lowering Depression and Anxiety

Dr. Buczynski: Let’s go through that a little more. I’m curious about what you just said: Self-compassion is

linked with lowering of depression and anxiety. Where does that finding come from?

Dr. Neff: There was a recent meta-analysis by, I think, MacBeth and Gumley that looked at, and I can’t

remember if there were 20 or 30 studies looking at depression, anxiety, and stress, but they found a strong

effect size of the link between self-compassion and reduced depression, anxiety, and stress. There’s a lot of

research that finds that.

In fact, my friend Mark Leary who’s a top social psychologist said, “You know, Kristin, this self-compassion

stuff’s getting so boring – you always get the same results which is that self-compassion is linked to well-

being.”

It’s a very, very consistent research finding: less psychopathology – less shame, neurotic perfectionism,

negative body image – and more positive states like life satisfaction, optimism, and curiosity.

“Whatever the experience

is, you relate to that

negative thought or emotion

in a compassionate way. You

embrace the suffering with a

sense of kindness, caring,

and connectedness.”


Again, you’re reducing the negative, not the negative thought, but the consequences of negative thought.

Plus, you’re increasing the positive. Does that make sense?

Dr. Buczynski: Yes, but I want you to say it again. I want to make sure that everyone’s gotten a chance to

absorb that and get the distinction.

Dr. Neff: You aren’t changing the contents of your thoughts and

emotions. In other words, you’re not saying, “I shouldn’t feel angry.

I shouldn’t feel sad. I’m just going to be happy. Life is great. I’ll say

that ten times, and then things will be fine.”

Sometimes life isn’t great, or sometimes you did screw up.

Instead, you have to acknowledge the truth of what’s happened. But how do you relate to that truth,

especially when that truth is difficult?

You can relate to it with harsh criticism, “That shouldn’t have happened. I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have done

it, or I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I’m a horrible person, and I’m all bad.”

Self-compassion doesn’t do that.

Self-compassion mindfully accepts whatever experience is arising even if that experience is a negative one.

Self-compassion relates to the experience or more accurately the

experiencer – the person who’s having the negative experience – with

kindness, care, connectedness, and mindful presence.

That’s why self-compassion is such a good coping mechanism when

negative states are encountered. It really changes the relation to

negative mind states as opposed to changing the content of negative mind states. This is good, because you

can’t always change the content.

Dr. Buczynski: I want to make sure I’ve got this down. I’m taking notes as you’re saying this: Self-

compassion accepts and relates with kindness, care, and connectedness.

Dr. Neff: Think of it in three components. Self-kindness is being supportive with encouragement,

understanding, and patience, as opposed to harsh judgment and a sense of connectedness is really the key.

“Less psychopathology – less

shame, neurotic

perfectionism, negative body

image – and more positive

states like life satisfaction,

optimism, and curiosity.”

“Self-compassion changes

the relation to negative

mind states as opposed to

changing the content of

negative mind states.”


You have the negative thought, and you say, “Oh my god, I’m the only person who feels this way,” or if you

have the negative thought, you think, “Yeah a lot of people feel this way. This is normal. This is natural.” The

result of that thought’s going to be quite different.

Then, you have the mindfulness component. Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t have this thought, or I’m not

going to admit that I have this thought” which we know from the literature, thought suppression just makes

it worse – what we resist persists, we can have mindful self-compassion.

We accept with mindfulness that this is what’s happening. We aren’t ruminating on it or exaggerating it, but

the mindfulness allows and gives us the ground to respond to the experience, even in the midst of that

experience, with compassion.

How Self-Compassion Improves Relationships

Dr. Buczynski: I started out at the very beginning and said that self-compassion will improve happiness,

which we talked a little bit about. It makes sense that through self-

compassion we can lower depression and anxiety.

We also said that it will improve your relationship. How does self-

compassion affect relationship? How does my being more self-

compassionate affect my relationship with my significant other?

Dr. Neff: Just to be upfront, there hasn’t been a lot of research on self-compassion and relationships –

maybe about four or five.

But, a colleague that I mentioned before and I just published a study. We looked at a hundred couples in long

term romantic relationships. We had people rate their own level of self-compassion. We got that report

which actually correlated with their partner reports.

We had partners report on their selfless behavior. This is an objective report of: How does your partner treat

you in the relationship?

We found that people who had self-compassionate partners were much more satisfied with the relationship

– much happier in it. They reported that their partner was much more supportive, had greater intimacy, was

more caring, was less controlling, and got angry in the relationship less often.

“People who had self-

compassionate partners

were much more satisfied

with the relationship –

much happier in it.”


We don’t have the research base for that yet – we haven’t been in the bedroom to find out exactly why.

But what I suspect is that when we expect other people to meet all our emotional needs, we get angry and

frustrated when those needs aren’t met, especially right away. We’re really reliant on our partner to regulate

our own emotions.

What’s beautiful about self-compassion is you can meet a lot of your own needs.

We still need other people, of course. But, for instance, when a lot of couples fight, each person’s trying to be

validated. They want their point of view to be heard, and they want some sort

of empathetic acknowledgement: “This is really hard for me.”

When each partner in the couple is trying to get their own point of view and

needs met and validated, it’s very hard to give it to the other person.

Dr. Buczynski: Especially, if one partner is saying, “I’m hurting, and it’s your

fault.” It’s hard to get someone to validate that.

Dr. Neff: That’s right. If you validate your own emotions and give yourself compassion for them, for instance,

“This is really hard. I feel really overwhelmed. I’m so angry. It’s so hard

to be feeling this…but it is going to be okay.”

This is like giving yourself support: “I’m here for you, and I care about

you.” You’re giving yourself a lot of what you really need, and when you

do that, you aren’t so needy or dependent on your partner to give you

the response you want.

Of course, I haven’t gone into this too much, but self-criticism activates

the threat defense system, releases cortisol, and causes a lot of anxiety. It’s like a stressed state of the

sympathetic nervous system.

Self-compassion activates the mammalian care-giving system. This makes us feel soothed and comforted and

meets that attachment need.

When we give ourselves compassion, it’s just like that baby kitten being soothed, comforted, and cuddled up

next to the mommy.

“You’re giving yourself a

lot of what you really

need, and when you do

that, you aren’t so needy

or dependent on your

partner to give you the

response you want.”

“What’s beautiful

about self-

compassion is you

can meet a lot of

your own needs.”


In some ways, you might say we’re meeting our own attachment needs,

which we also know helps us to have better relationships as well as

activate the parasympathetic nervous system, so we’re in a calmer state.

We don’t have any actual research on this yet, but my hypothesis is that

there’s some emotional resonance happening through the mirror neuron system.

When we calm ourselves down – when we give ourselves that soothing and care when we’re upset – of

course, our partner is resonating with that and is feeling some of that sense of calm.

If I’m really angry, my partner’s going to be angry, too, because he/she is resonating with my anger. If I feel

calmer and centered, my partner feels calmer and centered, because he/she is resonating with that.

I think that’s probably just another mechanism by which giving yourself compassion, especially in difficult

relationship interactions, really helps.

Dr. Buczynski: I would say if you’re feeling angry, your partner is going to feel threatened in some way.

There might be some kind of fear or hostility about fault – and feeling like “It’s not my fault.”

Those are interesting findings. Are people starting to study the impact of compassion on intimate

relationships?

Dr. Neff: As I said, there is some research, for instance, showing that self-compassionate college

undergraduates have better relationships with their dorm mates. There are studies like that. Hopefully, more

people will start doing research in this area.

If you think about the possibilities for studying self-compassion, and all the domains of life that are possible

to look at, there are infinite number of studies you could do.

There’s been an exponential growth curve. There are probably more studies published on self-compassion in

the last two years than there were the eight years previously.

I review probably three studies a month for journals on self-compassion,

and that’s just me. Other people do that as well. It’s happening.

Dr. Buczynski: I would love to see somebody look at immune function.

Dr. Neff: It’s not published yet, but someone told me about a study looking at that. I forget how they did it –

“If you think about the

possibilities for studying

self-compassion, there

are infinite number of

studies you could do.”

“When we give

ourselves compassion,

we’re meeting our own

attachment needs.”


I think with saliva…but it was found that increased self-compassion was associated with some marker of

immune system function. I can’t remember exactly which one it was. Let’s hope that gets published. People

are starting to do this.

How Caregiver Self-Compassion Impacts the Patient

Dr. Buczynski: That’s cool.

I’d also like to look at how the self-compassion of a physician or a nurse affects, if at all, the experience or

even the health factors of the patients they’re seeing?

Dr. Neff: The research we have now on health care professionals really looks more at the issues of burnout

and job satisfaction.

We know that people who are trained to be self-

compassionate – let’s say therapists in training – or if you just

look at their trait levels of self-compassion, are less likely to

burn out.

They tend to be more satisfied with their caregiver roles. They tend to cope better with challenging

situations. We have a study of autism parents who show how that’s the case.

There hasn’t been research yet. Hopefully, there will be – looking at patient outcomes. I really want to do

that, because once healthcare organizations see that it saves money, they’ll be more likely to fund it.

I know there’s research showing how being compassionate towards others improves patient outcomes.

I’m assuming that, again, when you’re more calm and centered, less frustrated, meeting a lot of your own

needs and are able to put it in non-scientific terms – if you are able to keep your heart open in difficult

caregiving situations without being overwhelmed by whatever trauma you’re dealing with whether it’s

physical or psychological…you have more resources to give to the patient.

“If you are able to keep your

heart open in difficult caregiving

situations without being

overwhelmed you have more

resources to give to the patient.”


Strategies for Being More Compassionate

Dr. Buczynski: Give us some strategies. How might I work on keeping my heart open or being more self-

compassionate?

Dr. Neff: When you’re with other people, there’s a good, and really quite simple, strategy. You can do this as

you’re talking or relating with someone – image that as you’re breathing in that you’re breathing compassion

in for yourself.

Therapists can do this especially if they notice how difficult something is. For example, a therapist says, “This

client just told me this story. I’ve feeling overwhelmed.” A doctor might be

seeing a patient that just came from a car wreck, and there’s a lot of a trauma.

You’re breathing compassion in for yourself, validating that it’s hard for you, and

then breathing compassion out for the person you’re working with. You’re

breathing compassion in; you’re breathing compassion out and visualizing them.

First of all, you let go of the idea that you’re supposed to be giving, giving, and giving compassion – leaving

yourself out of the circle of compassion.

Also, it creates a sense of yourself swimming in a sea of compassion – there’s no difference between you and

the other person. You’re meeting your needs. You’re meeting their needs.

We teach this technique in our workshops. Through anecdotal reports, a lot of people have said it’s been

very useful, especially for therapists or first responders…

A Self-Compassion Workshop

Dr. Buczynski: Let’s talk a little bit about your workshops. To everyone listening, Kristin and Chris Germer

have created an eight week, self-compassion program and done several cycles of it. Is that correct?

Dr. Neff: We’ve taught it dozens of times, and we’re starting up a teacher training program next year to help

other people teach the program.

Dr. Buczynski: You’ve had hundreds, maybe thousands of people that have gone through it.

“You’re breathing

compassion in;

you’re breathing

compassion out.”


Dr. Neff: At least a thousand.

Dr. Buczynski: Can you give us the highlights?

Dr. Neff: We really designed the program to be a sister program to Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction

which is a beautiful program, but focuses mainly on mindfulness, especially in terms of explicit focus.

We designed this program to have a similar format – eight weeks, two and a

half hours once a week, where we teach some mindfulness – you can’t have

self-compassion without mindfulness.

Our explicit focus is much more on teaching skills of self-compassion for use in daily life. We use meditation.

We use a lot of in-class exercises. We use a lot of interpersonal exercises, small group talking, or dyad

exercises to help establish a sense of common humanity.

There’s only one research study on this. I have a grant in, so wish me luck. This study was a randomized

controlled trial where we compared people who took our program and compared them to a waitlisted

control group.

That study had really strong results. It raised self-compassion by 43%, improved other outcomes like

depression, anxiety, and stress, and it increased life satisfaction. All the gains were maintained for at least

one year. We didn’t follow up after that. This will be an active control group in the next study.

Dr. Buczynski: Let’s say you’ve had a thousand people go through it. Was it hard? Did you have to coax

them, or were people interested in learning?

Dr. Neff: Oh no. We sell out wherever we go.

Dr. Buczynski: What kinds of people do the program?

Dr. Neff: It tends to be a majority of therapists who go there thinking they want to use it for their clients, and

they leave saying, “I need this for myself.”

Maybe 60% to 70% are therapists or other healthcare professionals. A lot of people come for themselves –

they’re not necessarily going to apply it to their work.

Dr. Buczynski: Have you had any organizations that want it, for example, school systems…?

“Our explicit focus is

much more on teaching

skills of self-compassion

for use in daily life.”

“You can’t have self-

compassion without

mindfulness.”


Dr. Neff: We’ve had a few health care systems want it. In Manitoba – they’re really crazy about self-

compassion – they’re going to send people to teacher training. There’s the Catholic Health Organization.

I just did a training program in Flagstaff for the healthcare organization there. At this point, in terms of

organizations, it tends to be healthcare. I’ve done workshops for the Young Center in Houston, which is a

psychotherapy institution, as well.

Typically, we teach at places more like Omega or Kripalu or places that specialize in offering workshops. We

teach all over the world. I was just in Australia, and I’m off to Scotland tomorrow. Europe’s going crazy for it.

They’re all sold out with long waiting lists.

Basically, I think the time is right. People are hungry for this. At this point, there are not a lot of other

offerings to teach it.

Dr. Buczynski: As we’re talking, it makes me think about other applications. What about teaching the folks

who are doing reconciliation with some of the world’s biggest problems? Has anyone thought about that yet?

Dr. Neff: I’m sure people have thought about it. I think the applications are potentially endless. I can see this

working in so many ways, and especially with issues like reconciliation.

There are a lot of programs or techniques out there. I’m even thinking about nonviolent communication

which is absolutely key for helping people to negotiate with each other. There isn’t a lot of work out there to

help people relate to themselves in a healthier way, and I think there needs to be.

It’s kind of a forgotten piece of the puzzle. If you want to help people interact in a healthier and more

productive way, you have to make sure that people are relating to themselves in a healthier and more

productive way. That’s the only way to create the emotional mindset that’s most conducive to healthy

interactions with others…

When I started the first research, it felt like it was just me climbing up

this mountain. Now, there are so many people doing research and

applying it to different areas of life that I can’t wait to see what

people come up with.

Dr. Buczynski: I’m sure. How about in school systems? What’s

happening there?

“If you want to help people

interact in a healthier and

more productive way, you

have to make sure that

people are relating to

themselves in a healthier

and more productive way.”


Dr. Neff: I just taught a workshop for teachers in Berkley, and they were all over the idea. They’ve offered to

make the classrooms available for us to do research.

I was hoping someone else would look at self-compassion in the schools,

but it doesn’t seem to be happening.

My graduate students are very interested in this and we’ve developed a shorter, self-compassion three week

intervention that has gotten significant results with college students. I’m hoping to tailor that to a youth

population – I’d like to see how it would work at the middle school level.

Again, people are using mindfulness very effectively in the schools. I’m hoping either people will integrate

some self-compassion into those programs or maybe create sister programs that focus more on self-

compassion. It’s not there yet, but it will be coming – I promise you.

Dr. Buczynski: I’d love to also see how it affects post-traumatic stress – for example, using it with soldiers.

You said you’ve done it a bit with first responders?

Dr. Neff: Is there a study with first responders? No, I think those were medical professionals. We have a little

data on PTSD, self-report data. I know a lot of people at the VA have had me come in and talk to their groups,

informally, but they’re interested in applying this. That will happen.

I just had a student who did her dissertation looking at measures of self-report – on self-compassion, PTSD,

combat exposure, functioning in daily life, and even alcohol use.

She found that self-compassion was more predictive than combat exposure in the development of PTSD.

Again, this suggests that it’s not just what has happened to you, but it is how you relate to what has

happened to you.

Self-compassion was also a stronger predictor than mindfulness. I don’t know if I would take that too

seriously, because it’s really hard to measure mindfulness.

Certainly, self-compassion was a very powerful predictor of daily functioning for these vets and also a

predictor of which ones developed PTSD and which ones didn’t. I think that a no-brainer and a very good

place to look at (the effect of self-compassion).

Dr. Buczynski: If we found that self-compassion is more predictive of PTSD than combat exposure – if we

could validate and replicate that and know for sure that that is true, then there are a lot of people who would

“Self-compassion was a

very powerful predictor

of daily functioning.”


start acting on that. It’s all really exciting.

Dr. Neff: It’s a dissertation. It hasn’t been published using all

self-report scales, so I don’t think we’re there yet. But I think it

makes sense.

Obviously, how traumatic your experience was is going to have

some impact, but it is how you relate to that experience,

especially with vets who have so much shame and self-judgment.

I know that the people who work with the vets, the clinicians, say that when they talk about self-compassion

in their groups, that’s the most powerful. Vets are really hungry for self-compassion – they really need and

respond to it.

I was worried that vets wouldn’t be responsive – I have this stereotype of very macho men. I was worried

that they would reject the idea of self-compassion. It would sound too “hearts and flowery” to them, but

that’s not the report I’m getting.

The report I’m getting from the clinicians is that vets really love this and want to learn more. It’s a very

exciting area.

How to Help People Become Self-Compassionate

Dr. Buczynski: Are we finding not only how it’s predicting the lowering of depression or anxiety….but also

how we’re able to help people who aren’t self-compassionate to be

more self-compassionate?

Dr. Neff: Certainly, in our training program, we found that we could

increase people’s self-compassion by quite a lot. We have a couple

of studies using other interventions.

There’s a study that shows how people who listened for three weeks to meditation podcasts increased self-

compassion and reduced body shame.

There’s also the one I talked about with undergraduates.

“There’s a study that shows

how people who listened

to meditation podcasts

increased self-compassion

and reduced body shame.”

“How traumatic your experience

was is going to have some

impact, but it is how you relate

to that experience, especially

with vets who have so much

shame and self-judgment.”


Then, there’s Paul Gilbert’s work – he’s probably the clinician, the

therapist who’s spent the most time applying principles of self-

compassion to therapy. Remember, I’m not a clinician.

In that body of research, he’s developed something called

Compassion Focused Therapy. It’s research that’s growing

exponentially. He’s found success with the worst cases – people hospitalized for their problems.

This is important, especially for the populations that some of the listeners on this call treat - people who are

troubled with trauma backgrounds, sexual or emotional, and physical abuse in childhood – the path of self-

compassion is more difficult.

The research shows that they have less self-compassion, which makes sense. If your parents are violent

towards you or criticize you constantly, then you’re going to have less self-compassion.

What can happen is a phenomenon we call backdraft. If your heart has been closed for a very long time, out

of self-protection, and you open the door of your heart, it’s a lot like when you open the door when there’s a

fire – the flames just rush out.

It can be scary for people to start opening their hearts – to start giving themselves what they didn’t get from

their caregivers.

For some people, of course, feelings of love and care are associated with fear if their caregivers – their

response was not one of kindness, but of violence. For people with trauma histories, especially, we

recommend the path of self-compassion with the help of a therapist.

We also have a therapist co-leading our groups in case something comes up – someone has a trauma

memory emerge… What we tell people with more difficult backgrounds is that it may be slower, but if they’re

patient, take smaller steps, and also have a lot of strategies in place for how to deal with feeling

overwhelmed, it can be done.

We found it even in our workshops, and again, it’s the body of research by

Paul Gilbert that shows how people with quite serious conditions can raise

their self-compassion and heal.

Dr. Buczynski: Is there anyone for whom you would say that self-compassion is not a good idea?

“People with quite

serious conditions can

raise their self-

compassion and heal.”

“It can be scary for people

to start opening their hearts

– to start giving themselves

what they didn’t get from

their caregivers.”


Dr. Neff: Not really. There are people for whom I would say to do it with help, especially those with severe

cases of childhood abuse, because it can be overwhelming.

There’s a reason we sometimes shut down and numb ourselves or even dissociate. Sometimes it’s too scary

and overwhelming not to. As long as you have the help of a therapist, I think self-compassion is a powerful

adjunct to therapy.

About Leaving Insecurity Behind

Dr. Buczynski: A couple of more things before we close. One is the subtitle of your book: Stop Beating

Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. That’s a big promise: To leave

insecurity behind. It’s a big, big promise.

Dr. Neff: I have to say that I made a deal with my publishers. I chose the

main title, Self-Compassion. They didn’t want that, so they chose the subtitle. I probably wouldn’t have

picked that one myself, but there you go.

Dr. Buczynski: I like it, because it will get a lot of people’s attention.

Dr. Neff: Which is why they liked it, but I know it is a big promise…increasing your chances of reducing your

insecurity level probably wasn’t as catchy.

Dr. Buczynski: Right – No marketer would do something so vague.

We don’t know for sure, but can you help us think theoretically or even from your experience about how self-

compassion helps us to leave insecurity behind?

Dr. Neff: A lot of insecurity is created by our own harsh self-criticism even at the level of perceived

competence – the idea that you can do it and you can achieve your goals. We know that self-critics

undermine their perceived confidence because they’re also saying, “I’m a failure. I’m worthless. I can’t do it.”

That just helps generate insecurity.

Not to mention the fact that you’re creating all this anxiety. When you’re anxious, you’re in a state of fear.

You’re in a state of insecurity.

“A lot of insecurity is

created by our own

harsh self-criticism.”


But self-compassion activates the care system. As mammals, were programmed to respond to warm touch,

gentle vocalizations, and don’t let me forget to bring back a practice that’s related to this.

You’re activating your safety, soothing system. What you’re doing when you’re giving yourself compassion is

you’re providing yourself with a sense of safety, of security – you might say that you’ve got your back. You

can be there for yourself.

You can help meet your own needs. You can help soothe and calm and

comfort yourself. If you think about it, you’re activating your

parasympathetic nervous system, and that’s one very powerful way self-

compassion helps us feel safe and therefore less insecure.

Dr. Buczynski: Let’s say that an insecure person somehow thinks

everyone else is, “Smarter than I am.” You can boil it down to, “Cooler than I am,” and they do some self-

compassion….Would you hypothesize that they’re more likely to drop that belief – suffer less from that belief

– with self-compassion?

Dr. Neff: That’s the common humanity piece. In terms of research, we know that people who have higher

trait levels of self-compassion do less of this social comparison, and

their sense of self-worth is less contingent.

On a different level, just in terms of the workshops we teach, we

emphasize common humanity because of this illogical belief that

everyone else is fine and wonderful and we’re not.

For instance, we teach an exercise to deal with shame where people

get in touch with their negative core beliefs, find it in their body, and then give themselves compassion.

You have people meet in small groups to talk about the experience. They’re saying to each other: “Oh my

god, you think you’re worthless and unlovable too? I would never have guessed.”

We want to emphasize that suffering is part of the shared human condition. This is what is normal. It’s not

abnormal. That really helps people, especially people who are always making unfavorable comparisons of

themselves to others drop that habit and start seeing the bigger picture which is, “This is life. Everyone deals

with this.”

“You’re activating your

parasympathetic nervous

system, and that’s one

very powerful way self-

compassion helps us feel

safe and less insecure.”

“People who have higher

trait levels of self-

compassion do less of

this social comparison,

and their sense of self-

worth is less contingent.”


The Self-Compassion Break: A Take Home Tool

If I can, I would love to give a little practice that I think could be a take home tool.

It’s a practice that uses physical touch to help self-compassion, because again, sometimes our minds can’t go

into self-compassion. Our bodies can if we can activate this mammalian care-giving attachment – this self-

soothing response. Also, this practice includes the three components of self-compassion.

I’ll lead you through it quickly, but it’s good to do at home in a more thoughtful, almost meditative way. This

is called The Self-Compassion Break. We teach it in our workshops. People report that it is one of the most

powerful, portable tools they have.

When we teach this practice, I won’t necessarily ask people to do this now, but we ask people to think about

a situation, a current situation, in their lives that’s causing them some emotional struggle.

When we teach this, we’ll say, “mild to moderate” because we want people

to take baby steps. We don’t want them to start with their most difficult

situation, but we do want it to be a real situation that they’re dealing with

and causing some pain. Of course, in real life, it just comes up.

In The Self-Compassion Break, the first thing we tell people is to adopt some physical gesture of compassion.

The most common one we teach is putting both hands on your heart and feeling the warmth of your hands,

the gentle pressure.

We have people experiment. Some people find cradling their face, or putting their hand on their belly really

helps. If you do it, you can feel your body calming down. There are physical symptoms associated with the

gesture, again, because as mammals, we’re programmed to respond to warmth and soothing touch.

While thinking about the situation, you’re giving yourself some sort of

physical gesture of compassion.

Then you say three phrases that evoke the elements of self-compassion.

The first is, “This is a moment of suffering.”

It is funny how incredibly transformative that often is. People who are lost in the situation forget to step

outside of themselves to say, “Wow, this is a moment of suffering. This is really hard right now.” That’s the

mindfulness.

“The Self-Compassion

Break is one of the

most powerful,

portable tools.”

“In The Self-Compassion

Break, the first thing we

tell people is to adopt

some physical gesture

of compassion.”


The second phrase is, “Suffering is a part of life.” That’s the common humanity piece, reminding yourself that

you aren’t alone in your suffering. This is normal. This is natural. You

don’t have to feel isolated, so suffering is part of life.

Then third phrase is, “So may I be kind to myself and give myself the

compassion I need.” This is giving oneself permission to respond

kindly. We also invite people to pause and see if any words arise that

might be words of kindness for their situation. It might be something

like “Be patient” or “I accept myself as I am” or “May I have courage…”

We’re really helping people to think about how to give themselves what they need in that moment

emotionally. If you have those phrases and you memorize them, you can use them as a mantra whenever

difficult things happen.

Dr. Buczynski: Thank you. I’m so sorry, but we’ve totally run out of time. I could talk to you about this for a

long time. You know a lot about this, and it’s exciting to talk about all the directions that we could go to spin

off with more ideas.

Thank you very, very much for being here with us and for sharing

some of what you know and what you’re doing. We’ll check in with

you again in another year or two and find out what’s happened. I’m

sure it’ll be explosive by then.

Dr. Neff: You can also check out my website If you Google “Self-compassion.” I’ve tried to make it a free

resource. You can listen to MP3’s of guided meditations or exercises. There are explanatory videos. All the

research is there, so if anyone is interested, hopefully they can find out more there.

Dr. Buczynski: Great. Thanks so much, Kristin.

Dr. Neff: Thank you very much.

“The second phrase is,

‘Suffering is a part of life.’

That’s the common

humanity piece, reminding

yourself that you aren’t

alone in your suffering.”

“If you have those phrases

and you memorize them,

you can use them as a

mantra whenever difficult

things happen.”


Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges. New Harbinger

Publications, Inc., 2009.

MacBeth, A and Gumley, A. Exploring compassion: a meta-analysis of the association

between self-compassion and psychopathology.

Clin Psychol Rev. 2012 Aug;32(6):545-52. doi: 10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003. Epub 2012 Jun 23.

Twenge, Jean and Campbell, Keith. The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of

Entitlement. Free Press, April 2009.

References


Kristin Neff, PhD is an Associate Professor in

Human Development and Culture, at University of

Texas at Austin. During her postdoctoral work, she

decided to conduct research on self-compassion, and

has since developed an 8-week program to teach self-

compassion skills. The program, co-created with her

colleague Chris Germer at Harvard University, is called

Mindful Self-Compassion.

Her book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up

and Leave Insecurity Behind, offers expert advice on

how to limit self-criticism and offset its negative

effects, enabling people to achieve their highest

potential and a more fulfilled and contented life.

Ruth Buczynski, PhD has been combining her commitment to mind/body medicine

with a savvy business model since 1989. As the founder

and president of the National Institute for the Clinical

Application of Behavioral Medicine, she’s been a leader

in bringing innovative training and professional

development programs to thousands of health and

mental health care practitioners throughout the world.

Ruth has successfully sponsored distance-learning

programs, teleseminars, and annual conferences for

over 20 years. Now she’s expanded into the ‘cloud,’

where she’s developed intelligent and thoughtfully

researched webinars that continue to grow exponentially.

About the speakers . . .

how to apply mindfulness to your life and work · 2018-08-17 · practicing kindness toward...

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