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Volume io. Helena, Montana, Thursday, March 16, 1876. N o. 1 7

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Allow for the Crawl” —A H om ily.

BY J O H N G. SA XE.

You have often, no dorbt. hud occasion to note, Though the garment at first t»eemed certain to please,

That, after some wearing, the sleeve of youi coat Tow’nl the shoulder was crawling, by easy degrees;

And that's what the clothier, of course, had in mind Ween he said to a customer. “ Ixmg?—not at all 1

The sleeve is just l iglit—as you’ll presently find—In cutting a coat we allow tor the crawl !”

The expression was one wholly new to me then ;Rut it set me a-thinking how well it applies,

Not merely to coats, but to women and men,In matters of life as they daily arise;

Consider the shrinkage in human affairs—The promise, how great ; the performance,bow small ;

And lest disappointment should come unawures, Remember the sleeve—and ‘‘allow for the crawl!”

The statesman who asks for your ballot to save Your country, so rashly imperiled to-day,

May covet an office, and not be a knave,Whatever the tierce Opposition may say.

But the “ plattorm” to which he so valiantly clings, by which he proposes to stand or to fall—

••Resolutions,” remember, are slippery things—And in polities always ‘ allow lor the crawl!”

You are deeply in love with the sweetest of girls;An angel in hoops—only wanting the wings!

(It angels could purchase such beautilul curls!)Like a seraph she smiles ; like a siren she sings !

Ah ! splendid and vast are the fancies of youth ;But down to plain facts they must finally fall:

And happy the couple who, finding the truth, in conjugal kindness “allow for the crawl!”

lu brief, recollect that In human affairs,In social connections, in travel and trade,

In courtship and marriage, in sermons and prayers, Nome grains of concession must always be made.

In fine, be a prudent, though generous man;Unlriendly to none, and veracious with all ;

Believe in your neighbor as much as yon can ;But always be sure to “allow for the crawl !”

REV 91R. WOOLFOLR'S WEATHER THEORY.

Wliat the Scientific American has to say about it.

OLD BACHELORS.

They are wanderers and ramblers—never at home, Making sure of a welcome wherever ihey roam ;And every one knows that the bachelor’s den Is a room set apart for th s singular inen—A nook in the clouds of some five f et by four, Though sometimes by chance it iray be rather more, With sky-light or no light, ghosts,goblins and gloom. And everywhere termed the old buchelor’s room. These creatures say they are not valued at all,Except when the herd gives a bachelor's ball.

Then, dressed in their best,In their gold-broidered vest.It is known as a fact,That they act with much tact,And they lisp “How d’ye do ?”And the>, c«>o and they woo,And they smile for a while,The fair guests to beguile;Condescending and bending,For fear of offending.

Though inert, They exert, To be pert. And to flirt.

And they spy With their eye, And they sigh, As they fly.

And they whisk and they whiz, And are brisk at the quiz.

For they meet, To tie sweet, And are fleet. On their loot,

Advancing, And glancing, And dancing, And prancing.

Sliding and gliding with mute pace, Pirouetting and setting with infinite grace.

And jumping, And bumping, And stumping. And thumping.

And racing, And chasing. And pacing, And lacing.

They are flittering and glittering, gallant and gav, I aw uiug all moping, and lounging all day.

But when he grows old,And his sunshine is past,

Three score years being told,Brings repentance at last.

He then becomes an old man ;His warmest friend, the frying pan ;He’s fidgety, fretful and weary; in flue,IyOves nothing but sell, and his dinner and wine.

He rates and he prates,And reads the debates ;

Despised by the meu and the women he hates.

1 hen prosing, And poring.And dozing, And snoring,And cosing, And boring,Ami nosing. And ioaring.

Whenever he falls in with a rabble, llis delight is to vapor and gabble;

He's gruffy,And puffy,

And musty, And fusty,

He sits in his slippers with back to the door,

Near freezing, And grumbling,And wheezing, And mumbling,

And stumbling, Aud sneezing, And tumbling,

lie curses the carpet or nails in the floor,

Dft falling. Oft waking.Ott aching,And quaking, And shaking

llis hand is unsteady, hi« stomach is sore.

The Scientific American lidicules the theory advanced by the Rev. L. B. Woolfolk, in recent lectures delivered in Cincinnati, Chi­cago, aud other leading cities of the Slates, regarding climatic shiftiugs by the explosion of artillery. Our scientific contemporary talks at some length in this strain:

“ He (Mr. Woolfolk) knows that the south wind is always on the surface of the earth, except during storms, and even then the north wind never has but one track at once. Consquently if we make a track for the north wind aud keep it there, we shall have, every­where else, a prevailing south wind and a genial climate. It is just as clear as that two and two make twenty-two. Now storms are always the result of a conflict between north wind and south wind. It is well known that heavy cannonading always raises a storm by breaking a path for the north wind. Therefore keep up a deuce of a racket where you waut the n^rtli wind to blow, and you’ll certainly have the balmiest of south winds for evei blowigg right and left.

Th»* learned lecturer proposes—and very wist*/, seeing that the South Sea islanders are not able to resent the imposition—pro­poses, we repeat, to make the Pacific Ocean the track of the boreal winds by a perpetual feu de joie on the Aleutian Islands. \Ve are told by the Cincinnati Gazette that he wa eloquent in dedicating the results of such an easy and beautiful re-adjustment of the winds. The deserts of Asia and America would be visited with seasonable rains; warm weather would blow up the Atlantic (not like dynamite, we trust) into the Arctic Ocean, bearing before it tropical waters, until the arctic coasts, swept with tropical winds, would be­come habitable; and the arctic seas, flooded with tropical air aud tropical water, would become the highway of commerce, and ves­sels would sail through open water at the pole, and every goosebone would become immac­ulately translucent, except in the South Sea islands; and as the people there do not keep geese, the change would signify nothing to them.

A word of admonition here. This is the Centennial year. We know how it began, and can faintly estimate what terrific rever­berations will arise from time to time toward the culminating day of the year. Now that Mr. Woolfolk has spoken, we know what a tenible succession of artic waves we are liable to bring down upon ourselves, blasting our crops and making the derided Ulster a Centennial necessity, while the shiftless Sandwich Islanders and the rest will bask in endless south winds, needing not so much as a pocket handkerchief for protection from weather. With the earnestness of conviction we say: Don’t! For heaven’s sake, keep still.If the yelling must be done and the powder burnt,|let them be transported to the Aleutian Islands and discharged there. It will be hard for the Aleuts; but they are few and feeble, and know nothingof Centennial joys and fears* And as for the people south of them, let them—no: that involves a question of morals which is without our sphere.

-------- m ^ ------BLAISE.

A Rem arkable Coincidence.

Presidential Opinions at a Meeting- in Chicago o f Leading Illin o is Repub­

licans.

[From the Atchison (Kansas) Patriot.]The old adage that “ truth is stranger than

fiction” has hud many verifications, but none, perhaps, more remarkable than the follow­ing: Yesterday, on the Missouri Pacific Railroad train, which reaches this city at a few minutes after 12 o’clock, a stranger ar­rived, who sought out theLiudell Hotel fora comfortable meal and a few hours rest before proceeding on his journey across the conti­nent to California. After his baggage had been cared for he registered his name on the hotel register: “ Frederick Moffatt, Bangor,Maine.” The gentleman was soon shown the dinning-room, aud began eating his dinner.

A few moments after these events hap­pened the ’bus drove up to the entrance of the hotel and a stranger, just arrived by the K. C., St. Jo. and C. B. Railroad, stepped out into the hotel, and after divesting himself of overcoat and wrappings he proceeded to register his name and location. Much to his surprise he found that hi9 name, Frederick Moffatt, had already been registered. He had not written it, he had but just arrived; he was a total stranger—who had written the name? He could have almost sworn the writing was his ; he was puzzled ; but a bet­ter look at the register disclosed the fact that Moffatt No. 1 hailed from Maine, while he resided in San Jose, California. Moffatt No. 2 wrote his name on the register, and turned to the clerk and asketl for Moffatt No. 1. Having been informed that he was then at dinner, he stated that he would like an inter­view with him, and quietly seated himself by the stove until Moffatt No. 1 returned from the dining-room, and was pointed out to him by the clerk. He introduced himself, aud the two men bearing the same name, who wrere totally unknown to each other, sat down to a conversation which disclosed the following remarkable coincidents :

Moffatt No. 1 was born in Maine, and was 81 years old the 3d day of January, 1876. Moffatt .No. 2 was born in California, and was 31 years old on the 3d day of January, 1876.

The father of both families was named “ Charles, ” and the mother, “ Mary. ” Each have two sisters living and one brother dead, whose name was “ Charles, ” named after their fathers. Both wrere proprietors of livery and feed stables in their respective places of residence, and the residences of both were consumed by fire on the 5th day of March, 1875, and were insured in the Ætna Fire Insurance Company. These two men are very similar in appearance. In height, avor dupois, and general appearance they are almost enough alike to be twins. The only difference is in the complexion and color of the hair. The Maine man’s hair is black, while that of the one from California is fiery red.

These two men stayed over night at the Lindell, and left this morning—the Califor­nian on his way to Maine on busines, while the Maine man goes to California for the benefit of bis health.

When the fact is taken into consideration that these two men were no kin, had never heard of each other or their respective fami­lies before this sirange meeting, this chapter of coincidents will read all the more like a romanoe. These statements, however, are strictly true, just as we have stated them, and will be verified by Mr. Moore of the Lindell H o te l.________

MEYTMOkE.

you

old

Xot (fcuite H arm onious.

[From the Fulton Times.]They drove into town Monday, behind

cross-eyed mule and a spavined horse. They looked contented, but one member of the party was the head of the house, for she handled the ribbons, and when they halted she hitched the team, while he stood de murely by and took the basket of eggs and her shopping satchel as she handed them out. They disposed of their produce at a grocer)’ and then entered a dry goods store.

She made a few purchases of thread, pins needles, and such things, and then called for two knots of yarn.

“ That won’t be enough, Mary,” said the man, plucking her dress.

“ I guess I know what I’m buying,” she re­torted.

“But it a’n’t mor’n half what you’ve had afore,” he persisted.

“ Wal, that’s none of your bisness ; these socks are goin’ to be for me ; and if I want ’em short, you can have your’n come way up to your neck, if you want to.”

The old man bowed to the inevitable with a long sigh, as his partner turned to the clerk and said :

“ Two yards of cheap shirtiu’, if please.”

“That ain’t enough, Mary,” said the man, pluckimr at her dress again.

“Yes ’tis.” ~“No, it ain’t.”“ Wall, it’s all you’ll get,” she snapped.“Put it up, then, mister,” said he, turning

to me clerk ; “put it up, and we won’t have an>.”, “ Who’s doin’ this buy in’, I’d like to know,’ hissed the woman.

“ Y’ou are, Mary, you are,” he admitted; “ but you can’t palm off any short shirts on me.”

“ Y"ou act like a fool, John Spiner.”“Mebbe I do, Mary, but I ’ll be durnod to

gosh if I ’ll have a half shirt—no, not if I go naked.”

“ Wall. I say two yards is enough to make any one two shirts,” she snapped.

“Mebbe that's enough for you, Mary,” he said, very quietly ; “ perhaps you can git along with a collar button and a neck-band, but that ain’t me, and I don’t propose to freeze my legs to save eight cents.”

“Git what you wan’t, then !” she shrieked, pushing him over the stool ; “git ten yards, git a hull piece ; git a dozen pieces it you want ’em, but remember that I ’ll make you sick for this.”

“Four yards, if you please mister—four yards,” said he to the clerk ; “and just re­member,” he continued, “if you hear of ’em finding me with my head busted, friz to death in a snow drift, just remember that you heard her say she’d make me sick.”

And grasping his bundle, he followed his better-half out the door.”

Scowliiiif.

Oft bawling, And *jirawîing. And ciawliijc.

He’* railing And lttiliiijj And ailiiiL',

Uncheery, .And dreary, Aud weary,

And groaning and moaning,Hi* HumHhnt>H owning,Urieviug and heaving, ’Though naught in hit« leaving But pelf and ill-health, lliiu*cll and hi* wealth.

lie (tend* for a doctor, to cuie or to kill Who give* him ad vie«, and offeu*e aud a pill W ho drop* him advice about making hi* will A* fretful antiquity cannot be mended, ’ I he miserable life of a bachelor’* ended, Nobody ini**ea him. nobody *igh*,Nobody grieve* when the bachelor die*.

[From the Chicago Tribune.]At the conclusion of the meeting at the

Pacific a reporter circulated through the crowd to ascertain, if possible, something of the sentiment in reference to the candidates for President. “Third-termism” was found to be at a great discount, and while General Grant was highly spoken of, everybody seemed satisfied that his administration would end with his present term of office. The prominent candidates were found to be Blaine and Washburnc, and the sentiment was very nearly balanced between the two, except for the expressions which had been drawn forth during the day from many speakers in favor of the former. The advantage claimed for Blaine was his record, bearing on issues which had arisen in Congress, in which he had taken a prominent part. He was regarded as one of the most solid Republicans of the country, as a statesman, and deserving of any honor the nation could confer. Wash- burne was held in equal esteem, but the dis­advantages of any Illinoisan in the canvass w'ere taken into consideration, since the State had so long been furnishing the Presidents, and his chances were accordingly viewed with a great deal of distrust. While he was regarded as eminently fitted for the position, the fact that the State had furnished Lincoln and Grant, and bad held sway for over twelve year-,, appeared to dampen his chances and suggest to his most ardent admirers the pro­priety of taking up an Eastern man.

Among Eastern men no one appeared to have the shadow of a show besides Blaine. For some reason Blaine appeared to have won for himself popular affection, and the mention of his name in audible tones always brought forth a warm response. The more prominent candidates on the State ticket were found to be very demonstrative in favor of him, and while Illinois was felt not to be en­titled to President, the name of Oglesby w r? freely used to complete the ticket. Really, Blaine and Oglesby appeared to be the favor­ites, and had the votes of this gathering been taken, they would most certainly have been to that effect. Whether the sentiment of the meeting, however, could be safely reckoned as that of the State, remains to be seen.

The Estate oT the Richest World.

9fnn in the

Baron Rothschild’s residence and estate at Mentmore is described as one of the finest and most extensive in England. It contains some 20,000 acres of the finest land in Buck­inghamshire. It has gardens, greenhouses and graperies so arranged as to furnish fruit every month in the year. Oranges, pineap pies, figs, bananas and other tropical fruits are grown in abundance. When the Baroness is absent, yachting in the channel, or at her London house, orders by telegraph are sent to Mentmore daily for the supplies required. The vases in the fountain and Italian gardens cost each £1,000. The statuary is all of the most costly kind, executed by the first mas­ters. The great hall, which is about 20x30 feet is filled by vases and statuary. Its con­tents must represent a value of not less than £100,000. It takes not less than three hours to pass through the rooms. The finishing is exquisite, and the furnishing of each sumptu­ous. Some idea may be formed of the whole

Don’t scowl ; it spoils your face. Before you kuow it your forehead will resemble a small railroad way. There is a grand trunk line now from your cowlick to the bridge of your nose, intersected by parallel lines run ning east and west, with curves arching your eyebrows; and oh! how much older you look for it ! Scowling is a habit that steals upon us unawares. We frown when the light is too strong and when it is too weak. We tie our brows into a knot when we are thinking and knit them even more tightly when we cannot think. There is no denying that there are plenty of things to scowl about. The baby in the cradle frowns when anything fails to suit—“Constitutional scowl,” we say The little toddler who likes sugar on his bread and butter tells his troubles in the same way when you leave the sugar off. “Cross,” we say about the children, and “ worried to death,” about the grown folks, and as for ourselves, we cannot help it. , But we mu8t its reflex influence makes others unhappy for face answereth unto face in life as well as in water. It belies our religion. We should possess our souls in such peace that it will reflect itself in pleasant countenances. If your forehead is rigid with wrinkles before forty, what will it be at seventy ? There is one consoling thought about these marks of time and trouble—the death angel almost al­ways erases them. Even the extremely aged in death often wear a smooth and peaceful brow, thus leaving our last memories of them calm and tranquil. But our business is with life. Scowling is a sort of silent scolding. It shows that our souls need sweetening. For pity’s sake, let us take a sad-iron, or a glad-

a Fonl'-Year-OI<l

from the furniture of a single bed-room, one of the many guest chambers, costing £25,000 I iron, or smoothing tool of some sort, and or £30,000. In the dining and baronial hall | straighten these creases out of our faces beare furnishings exceeding £200,000. Costly cabinets of the time of Louis XIV., of ebony inlaid with ivory or gold, diamonds, rubies and all sorts ot precious stones, walls hung with the costliest tapestries of the time of Louis the XVI., or covered with the richest needle-embroidered satin, may give some idea of the wealth lavished on this more than princely mansion. The costliest paintings adorn the walls, and the most skillful and expensive workmanship is displayed on the ceilings. The idea of the Barou seems to have been to build aud furnish a mansion such as no other person in Edgland, except perhaps the Duke of Westminister, could ex­pect to rival. The stud is said to contain more high bred horses than any other in the world. It embraces thirty-five hunters and as many racers, none of which are less in value than £500, while many of them run up to thousands.

fore they become indelibly engraved upon our visage.— Christian at Work.

E verytiilns Out o f Gear.

It is evident that there is to be trouble for Mr. Conkling as a Presidential candidate in his own State. Ex-Governor Morgan is at the head of an active wing of the party who are opposed to him.

A L i t t l e school girl asked her teacher what was meant by “ Mrs. Grundy. ” The teacher replied that it meant “ the world. ” Some days afterward the teacher asked the geography class, to which this little “ bud of promise ” belonged, “ What is a zone? ” After some hesitation, this little girl bright­ened up and replied, “ I know; it's a belt around Mrs. Grundy’s waist ”

A North Carolina editor thus raves:“Look where you will, what a labyrintine

world of tangles and misfits. Everything jumbled, lop-sided, ill-assorted and muddle- ty-flummixed. Here a President with a pea­nut peddler’s soul; there a scavenger, beneath whose ragged waistcoat throbs a hero’s heart. Here a Senator or a Governor’s wife, whose rich brocades and laces envelope a galvanized oyster wench or worse; there a smutty-phiz- zed char-woman, whose dingy tatters iuclose the spirit of a martyr or a saint. Here, cour­age, gratitude and affection wrapped in the hide of a dog; there baseness and brutality swaddled in broadcloth and fine linen. Two legged donkeys braying in all of our legisla­tive halls and dining at our Delmonicoes, and their infinite superiors in every W’orthy qual­ity and qualification munching coarse straw in a thousand city stables. Quadrupedal men and bipedal swine. Every fellow married to the wrong wife; the mole mated with the eagle, the hedgehog with the swan. Pshaw! pshaw! It’s all blind luck, the whimsies of fate’s shaken dice.”

Marvelous Memory of Roy.

(From the Boonville (Mo.) Advertiser.]

James Martin Williams, a beautiful little boy residing with his parents in this city, has lately given evidences < i powers of memory that astonish every on»-. He is not yet four years old, and only learned his letters a few months since. Unlike most persons who possess one faculty in excess of others, he is perfect in all. His eye bespeaks intelligence, his mind is well matured in everything for his age, and in his demeanor he is childlike and winning. Recently a reporter of the Advertiser visited him at his home, and with others witnessed the most wonderful answers to questions given him by his father. Sitting on iiis father’s knee, he gave prompt replies to his parent, telling the names of all the planets, their characteristics, their distance from the sun and their positions in the heav­ens. In history he proved a very encyclope­dia of knowledge. The ancient kings, their wars, the rise and fall of the Roman empire, the career of Bonaparte, the times of the death and the age of the rulers of England; settlement of this country, and similar facts, were as familiar to him as the alphabet to an older person. He named the capital of every State in the Union and of every foreign coun­try, and evinced a knowledge of the Scrip­tures, the only parallel of which was Christ in the Temple. He repeated whole chapters of the Bible, and spoke in a childlike manner just as though rattling off the veriest com­monplace remarks or other children of his age.

The first indication of this marvellous faculty came to his parents in this way: They are religious people, and e^ch morning read from the Scriptures before prayer. Shortly after the exercise one morning, some months ago, his mother was astonished to hear him repeating, word for word, the lines from the Bible which he had heard read an hour or so before. She called him to her, and found that he could recite other portions of the holy book. She commenced teaching him his let­ters, and in an hour and a half lie had learned the whole. He progressed with wonderful rapidity, and soon could spell. A physician was consulted, aud he advised them to keep the boy away from books, and not allow him to study, as his health would not allow it. Since that time he has been read to by bis father, and now remembers everything he bas heard.

His parents are intelligent people, in ordi­nary circumstances, and can not in any way account for the remarkable memory of their child. He is a marvel, and astounds ail who bear him.

----------- — * ------------

Tbe Cause or Modern M elancholy

Five and twenty years ago a boy’s appetite for enjoyment was not at all seriously blunt­ed at school, nor was there much fear of his round of holiday amusements being fatiguing. He seldom if ever enjoyed the intoxicating bliss of beholding his name aud his achieve­ments set forth in type. Now change has come over all educational establishments. The work of the term, which lias generally superseded the old-fashioned “ half,” serves as a foil for a round of matches, regattas, reviews, “theatricals,” concerts, popular lectures, athletic sports, &c., all duly chronic­led in the local journals, and perhaps even in the metropolitan papers. Examinations are more frequent, more solemn and attract more public attention.

Thus an energetic boy who is “good ali round” passes from one bout of competition to another with little interval during his school career. If home, as is natural, wishes to hold its own juvenile favor, it must utilize the multiplied opportunities of amusements, so that the holidays pass in downright dis­sipation. At the universities the perpetual emulation goes on in an intensified form, while the newspaper notoriety which is bound to enhance the various passions of young aspirants to distinction is more pronounced than ever. Suddenly all the strain of personal rivalry is removed, the stimulus of frequent distinction is withdrawn, and the hero of an enthusiastic circle of admirers settles dowrn as a common-place person to a mo­notonous routine of business. Surely it is not altogether strange that for a time life should appear fiat, stale and unprofitable. The more keen tbe stress of the probationary period, the stronger is the reaction when the definite struggles of the youth against his fellows are succeeded by the vague, desultory warfare with tbe world.—London Saturday Review.

^ m -----H e Couldn't H ave Shot H im .

Mr. William Hemphill Jones, now deputy comptroller of the treasury, is the mau to whom Gen. Dix telegraphed : “If any one attempts to haul down the American flag, shoot him on the spot.” The order was grand but it becomes almost ridiculous when you see the amiable gentleman to whom it was sent, and imagine him receiving it, alone and unarmed, as a treasury clerk sent to New Orleans on public business, and surrounded by an infuriated mob. Never was a man more powerless to obey an order.

Western Sweetness.

[From the Chicago Journal] J “ How much is my bill?” inquired a sad­

eyed yooth in a Chicago confectionery storethe other day.

Tbe proprietor looked over his books a minute and then replied:

“ 8ixteen dollars and fifteen cents.”As the young man drew forth his wallet to

meet the account, he sighed deeply and said,T tell you this is tough?”

“ How so?” asked the confectioner.“ O, ëbe’s gone back on me.”“ Who?”“Oh, she—the girl that eat all this candy,”

continued the unhappy youth, “ and I tell you it’s hard to pay for so much sweetness after it has gone and soured on a fellow.”

The candy man acknowledged that it did seem kind of tough.