Health DialogueHealth DialogueA forum for the exchange of news and views on primary healthcare in India

Issue no. 39 October-December 2004

page 2-4 Overview page 5-8 Single Parenting page 9 Parenting Teens

page 10-11 Parenting a Disabled Child page 12 Resources

Editor

Parenting in today’scontext is challengingif not difficult. In our fast-paced

lifestyle, with time-tested values beingtossed about, parenting can be, to putit mildly, quite stressful.

However, the truth is that parentingis often just simple common sense.You really do not need to follow DrSpock and his ilk blindly, or, run to acounsellor every time your childthrows a tantrum.

A young priest who was supposedto contribute to this issue came to myoffice to express his inability to meetthe deadline. We sat to talk about theissue instead. I asked him about hisunderstanding of good parenting. Hethought for a while and then said,“Good parenting is about letting yourchild know that after God, his parentsare the ones who love him the most.This love, (like God’s love for us)should be unconditional and availableto the child at all times.”

As for the punishment, he said,“punishment is a channel, a mouldwhich if carefully shaped will giveresult to positive nourishing of thechild. This mould would not just drawthe lines of limitations but in essence

should aim to build trust between theparent and the child and vice-versa.”

Affirmative Parenting

Parenting with finesse is somethingwe acquire over time and withdedication to parenting with a purpose.

It is about teaching your childrento be good human beings and one ofthe best ways to do it is to be a goodrole model and a friend to your child.

Therefore, equip yourself with abag that includes some tact, patience(a great deal of it), lots of love andhugs, a pinch of discipline, a goodset of mentoring values, some witand of course common sense andthen, take the dive.

Of course this does not mean thatyou will not hit dirt patches. Teenyears are difficult years. Andcommunicating with angry teens canbe very testing. Included in thisedition is an article suggesting thatcompromise is key when you’re nose-to-nose with an angry teen.

Two areas of real challenge aresingle parenting and parentingdisabled children. Whether singleparenting is by circumstance or bychoice, the parent and the child facea peculiar set of difficulties. JoycePremila, a single parent herself,shares some valuable tips with ourreaders and Kashiram shares hisexperiences of parenting a disabledchild.

Apart from disciplining, teachingthe kids the value of money, handlingtantrums, applying a balm to theirheartaches and navigating theircareers, we as parents have theresponsibility of nurturing them to begood citizens. ‘Walk the talk’ is aboutpractising what you preach.

All this is not easy, but if there istrust, love and prayer in your home,then you have won more than half thebattle, for there is a lot of truth in theold adage, ‘the family that praystogether stays together’.

CC

A N

ews

2 Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

OVERVIEW

Parenting is aboutbonding with yourchildren, helping them

to grow up to be honest andresponsible adults and aboveall creating the right ethos fora loving family relationship.

Why is parenting in 2K sucha challenge? Has parentingchanged all that much thismillennium?

Sure it has. StephenCovey in his book ‘The 7Habits of Highly EffectiveFamilies’ says, “We now livein a world that values personalfreedom and independencemore than responsibility andinterdependence… Families andindividuals are becoming increasinglyisolated, escape from responsibilityand accountability is availableeverywhere.”

Present day nuclear families mighthave double income to boast of, butour children are often latch-key kidswith just the television or computerfor company. Even when the parentsget back home, they are oftenstruggling with a hang over frompunishing deadlines or compulsorysocialising. Given this situation, thepractice of parenting needs someattention.

How should we proceed?Sharing, caring, loving and givingare the core components of a happy

Positive Parenting

family and as a parent we mustensure that these are woven into thetapestry of your child’s life.

Says Covey “Many people want toput their family first, but…until acommitment is made …we will nothave what it takes to prioritise thefamily.”

Parenting should ideally be afather and mother commitment.However, single parents - bycircumstance or by choice - can (andshould) match up to the demands.The moot point here is that thereshould be consistency in what youtell and expect your child to do.

We form habits from practice and itis easy to instill the right habits inyour child if you persist. “My fatherwas very particular that dinner shouldbe eaten together and at the table.

But even when my father was out ofstation (which was actually quiteoften) my mother ensured that wekept the same routine. Now I keepthe same timings with my children.No matter what is coming on the TVor whether my husband has hadheavy lunch at his office and wants toskip dinner, we still sit down togetherat the dinner table as a family. Thepoint is not the food, the point isspending time together ” says CelineJohn, a school teacher.

‘Mission Statement’Families too needto evolve some kindof a ‘missionstatement’ so thatchildren know whatis expected ofthem. Spell out theground rules,shared values,common goals etc.,so that childrenhave guide posts tofollow. Forexample, if youwant your childrento come home fromtheir play by sevenin the evening, tell

them “Get back home before thestreet lamps are on” and hold themaccountable to it.

Instill in them a sense of respons-ibility by giving them small chores todo. Also teach them young to bethoughtful and caring. A helpinghand to a grandparent, clearing thetable to help mum, turning down thevolume of the television if someone’ssleeping are just some of the ways toteach your children to think beyondthemselves.

Stephen Covey suggests havingagreements based on a “win-win” tohelp build the child’s sense ofresponsibility. To make agreementswork, Covey suggests that the parentsit with the child and clarify thefollowing: desired results, guidelines,resources, accountability andconsequences.

By Reena Mathai Luke

Happy families do not just happen. They are created byconscious effort, careful attention and of course a lot of

patience apart from quality time. What is the magicbutton that one must push?

3Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

OVERVIEW

Catch them youngThe younger the child the easier it isto mould them. For example,teachingthem to share with others is a thoughtthat you have to ingrain in them andthe earlier you start the better.

If your child is an only child,chances are, he/she does not get toshare his/her toys and sweets withothers too often and therefore, theconcept of sharing is more confusingto him/her. In that case, it is theparents duty to make sure that he/she learns to share with friends/guests/cousins or the servant. Teachhim/her to offer others first and thechild will soon learn the first lesson in

sharing. Of course this is not easyand can be quite exasperating. “Formy two daughters I have evolved twosimple rules for a squabble-lesssharing. Rule No one: Only onepacket (of whatever) will be openedat a time and the contents has to beshared into equal shares between thetwo of them. Rule No two: (which ismore important) Whoever does thedividing of the contents, gets to chooselast…. and it works” says mother oftwo teenage children. Certain valuestake a longer time for children tounderstand and follow, but one mustkeep nudging them towards it.

Love and respectTwo key words, that can never bereplaced or over estimated.

Love assures the child and giveshim/her the security that he/she

needs while respect makes the child

One of the biggest strugglesas a parent is to teachchildren the value of

money. This is more pronouncedin present day scenario whereadvertisements and movies temptchildren to spend rather than save.

However, your child will benefitfrom your help in learning money-management skills. The earlieryou teach your child to beaccountable for staying within areasonable budget, the better thechance of avoiding financialcatastrophe when he or sheleaves the nest.

Apart from teaching byexample, you could guide yourchild to spend money carefully, byhelping him/her to identifypriorities, setting a budget andhandling an account.

Of course, this would depend onthe age of the child, but one couldstart them young by giving them asmall amount as pocket money.This should be more in keepingwith their needs rather than whattheir friends in school are getting.A little talk on the fact that therewill be always people who willhave more money (or less) couldhelp them overcome the initialfeelings of disappointment. As thechild grows older make him/herresponsible to keep tab of houseexpenses. This will help the childto understand better when you tellhim/her a new tennis racket that s/he has been wanting will have towait for another month.

PrioritiseList your basic daily needs

List those needs in order ofimportance

Review the list daily

MONEY MANAGEMENT

Meet the highest priority needsfirst.

Setting up a budgetDetermine a time span for yourbudget (weekly, biweekly,monthly)

List income from all sources —allowance, jobs and gifts.

List all expenses (car payments,snacks, entertainment, personalcare items, clothes, savingsaccount) and add the amounts.You might have to do someresearch into cost of variousitems if you are just beginning topay for them.

List debts, if any, and add it tothe expense total. Subtract theexpense total from the incometotal.

Consider your budget guidelinesbefore spending any money soyou can stay within your budget.

Your high school/college going teenmay not have his/her own account,but you could still teach him/herhow to deposit or withdraw money.Filling out the bank forms, makingout a DD or filling out a moneyorder form are important lessons.Also if the child is above eighteen,then it might be a good idea toopen a savings account for him/her.

An ATM card and an add-oncredit card might be a necessitytoday if your child is in a hostel.These are good facilities, providedthey are used with care. No doubt,the child needs to be instructedabout the pros and cons of theseamenities and as a parent, onemust monitor their expenses.

Ree

na M

atha

i Luk

e

Sharing with others

4 Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

OVERVIEW

value his/her self-worth. Our childrenare individuals in their own rights andthey too have their moods, likes/dislikes, opinions and need for space.Don’t dismiss him/her but insteadshow that you care by treating thechild with the respect he/shedeserves.

Also teach your child to respectyou and other elders. Do not allowthe child to yell at you and nevercondone rude talk. Fortunately, inIndia we do have a tradition ofrespecting our elders and teachers,but sometimes respect is confusedwith fear. It is important to teach yourchild the difference. Fearalienates the child and doesnot help to build bridges.

CommunicationCommunicating both verballyand non-verbally is important.Apart from telling your childwhat is acceptable behaviourand what is expected of him/her, a word of encouragementor a warm hug work miracles.Avoid criticism and sarcasm,because they create barriersand distance you from yourchild.

“I do not recollect my momever raising her voice or sayingsomething harsh” says Sumi,whose Dad passed away whenshe was barely five and wasbrought up (along with an olderbrother) single handedly by hermother. “But we always tried ourbest to do what she wanted us to dobecause we did not want to hurt herever” she adds.

Another important point is thatwhen you give instructions, makesure you are calm and you stick tothe point. Long confusing sentencesmake it difficult for the child toremember the details. If need be, askthe child to repeat the instructions(this is very helpful if your child isbelow ten years of age.)

Using the ‘high card’ of authorityas a parent recklessly, is a sure

disaster. Both you and your childknow that you are bigger and morepowerful and therefore, rubbing thisin further can cause unwantedresentment.

Also it helps not to compare thechild with others. “At your age I wasthe captain of the football team “or”Your sister topped her class ….”Frankly the tone and words areintended to hurt rather thanencourage, and the child sees it as aform of attack. And when you areattacked what do you do? You duck

or put up some sort of defence, whichmeans he/she could just mentallyblock you out.

A better way perhaps, would be toshow the child why he/she wentwrong and how he/she couldimprove.

“My daughter’s Maths marks wasalways below average. I tried byscolding her sometimes and at othertimes by making her get up early inthe morning to do some extraexercises, but still there was verylittle improvement. Exasperated bythe whole thing, I took a week’s leave

during her summer vacations and satdown to teach her. And soon Irealised, the problem was that shedid not know her arithmetic tables!”says a father.

Do not ‘bribe’ a child with money/chocolate to do his home work or forgood behaviour. Instead, you couldreward the child after he/she hascompleted the work properly or kepttidied up his/her room.

A good way to bond and commu-nicate is spending quality timetogether. Stephen Covey recommendsthat a one-on-one bonding between aparent and a child, helps to build

bridges.

In an article onchildhood memories inthe Readers Digest,author Norman Lobsenzwrites that most peoplerecalled memories ofinconsequential thingsthat they did with theirparents. Lobsenz re-members the time theystopped in the middle ofa drive and caught fireflies together. Anotherremembers the time hisdignified executive fathercancelled a trip to Europeto join him at the schoolpicnic.

My kids often narrate,one of their bestmemories as the onewhen I danced with them

on the slopes of Coonoor and wavedat all the buses passing by!

Finally, Deepak Chopra in his book‘Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents’summarises it fairly well. “In a perfectworld, parenting would come down toone sentence: Show love, be onlylove.”

Try it ….it works.

Reena Mathai LukeHead-Communication Dept.

CMAI

5Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

SINGLE PARENTING

Parenting is a shared respons-ibility. It provides the child thegentle warmth of a mother’s

embrace and the protection of afather’s arm. (Yet, what happenswhen this cocoon is shattered orbroken by separation, divorce ordeath?)

Problems of a single parentThe single parent, apart from havingto handle his/her own emotions ofpain, loneliness and rejection isforced to confront an entirely newsocial milieu and adopt the role ofboth the father and the motherhenceforth in the child’s life.

This is always a big, big challenge.If you are a single man, juggling yourcareer, your home and managing thechildren can be daunting. If you are awoman, may be you have to find a

Single Parenting

new job. Or if you have one, thenwork to keep it, manage the finances,pay all the bills do your own shoppingand of course look after the homeand the children.

Unfortunately, society has adifferent set of rules for the singlemother thereby making it all the moredifficult for her. This bias has itsrepercussions on her children too.For example, a widowed mother isnot welcome at weddings, therebythe child is often deprived of attend-ing a family celebration. Also mun-dane problems related to commutingand safety often force children ofsingle mothers to lead a more se-cluded life when compared to otherchildren. Apart from which are manyother practical problems… Whatdoes a mother do when her childbelow five is sick with high fever at 12midnight and s/he is all alone?

Add to this, the distress of realisingthat most social activities cater tofamily units. Family seminars,parenting skills and social — allisolate the single parent family.

It would be pertinent to add here,that a single parent’s situation isunique and must not compare to onewhere a spouse is living physicallyaway for extended periods of time.

The emotional, financial and physicalsupport a spouse can provide even ifonly from a distance cannot be comparedto the trauma of single parent havingto face society’s biased attitudes orwith burden of having to make deci-sions alone apart from having to copewith the loneliness.

Problems of childrenMost children have lived with bothparents before the split. In mostcases, they live with feelings of guiltthat they could have done somethingto save the marriage or that theywere responsible for the break-up.Along with this, the parent with whomthey are with is going through theirown emotional upheaval and isunable to meet their emotional needs.They end up confused and rebellious.

Parents must allow children togrieve. Be open and available andalways help the kids know you arethere for them. Be patient with themas they often go through feelings ofguilt and feel that they are responsiblefor what has happened, be it death orseparation. Let them know they areinnocent and in no way responsible.

Children with only fathers on theother hand, have to take up newresponsibilities. Sometimes they haveto adapt to a new environment like ahostel or grandparents’ home, or learnto accommodate a new family member.Their ‘home’ as well as their foodhabits often are no longer the same.

Some dos & don’ts for singleparents

To begin with, get a grip onyourself. Incessant whining andcrying (or abusing and blaming yourpartner for your present situation)does not serve any purpose. Some

By Joyce Premila

Parenting is the womb which nurtures a helpless child, tillthe child is mature. What happens if the womb gets

ripped apart due to divorce or death

6 Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

SINGLE PARENTING

grieving is okay and there is no needto scurry to the bathroom every timeyou want to cry. But the sooner yourealise that the chapter is closed it iseasier for you to start another one.Remember your child too is sufferingand he looks at you as his/her anchor.If as a parent you give out signs ofweakness, your child is bound to feelmore insecure.

Stop feeling guilty and stopworrying. Whatever the reason foryour singleness, it was madebecause of certain compulsions andyou know that best. So while it iseasy for others to be critical orunsympathetic, it is important toremember that they do not know thereal facts and it was you (and yourchildren) who had to face that ordeal.Be cheerful, adopt a positive attitude,get a control on your life by finding ajob, a new home, learning to handleyour finances and then plunge intoyour role as a parent.

It is natural to think that your child

is missing out on his/her father/mother’s love which other kids of his/her age are taking for granted. Thismight propel you to be the ‘father andthe mother’ to your child. While theintention is good, over stretching oneself could prove disastrous. A little bitof role adaption will be necessary butone must learn to be practical. Instead,try to be the best mother or the bestfather. Single parents need to feelproud that under the circumstancesthey have done the best they could fortheir children.

Lead by example. You can teachyour children the right values by doingwhat you want them to do.

Be strong and firm. Make sure theyknow you are the captain of the team.Do not dither and do not let thechildren bully you or allow indiscipline.

Be honest with them. If they areold enough to handle money, teachthem to be accountable.

Single parents must never feel bad

to seek counselling. Counsellingtends to help give focus and directionand enables the grief process to beshorter. Don’t anaesthetise youremotions; allow the pain and grief tobe ventilated. Talk to your friends,your parents etc.

Do not shy from asking for adviceor help when needed:

Encourage your child to enunciatehis/her feelings. Listen to your child.Try and understand his/her fears. Donot let your opinions or angersuffocate his/her feelings. If you aredivorced and separated from yourspouse, try and see if it is possiblefor your child to interact with yourpartner at least once in a while. Ifnot, see if some family member orfriend can ‘bond’ with the child

Learn new skills, keep yourselfprofitably busy, make new friends, inshort, live life.

RUHSA Department, ChristianMedical College, Vellore and CHINpartners together organised aWorkshop on Advocacy For HIV/AIDS And Adolescent Sexualityfor the southern region on February10-11, 2005, at Bangalore.

Dr Rajaratnam Abel, Head ofRUHSA Department, ChristianMedical College, Vellore highlightedthe fact that even though AIDS hasbeen there for more than twodecades we have not been able tobring it under control. He stressedthe need for using advocacy as astrategy.

Dr Bimal Charles, Epidemiologistpresented the keynote address on“Response to HIV/AIDS in Tamil-nadu – Issues and concerns”.There were five presentations: MrUmanath Shetty, Project Co-ordinator, SPAD, Bangalore shared

his experiences of working withcommercial sex workers.

Fr Antony, Project Co-ordinator,SNEHADAAN – Camillian Care andSupport Centre for PLWHA, spoke onthe facilities provided for the care ofthe terminally ill.

Mr Elango, President, KarnatakaNetwork of Positive people spoke onthe focus of HIV/AIDS programmes onpreventive strategies and that theneeds of affected people are not met.

Dr Saira Banu, MD student, PSGCollege, Coimbatore deliberated onthe ‘Impact of a modified curriculumon life skills education on knowledge,attitude and skills of adolescentschool girls.

Mr Viswas, Researcher (Legal)Alternative Law Forum spoke on howthe WTO regime and the strong armtactics by the US has compelled India

to amend its patent laws to complywith the provisions of the TRIPS(Trade related aspects of IntellectualProperty Rights).

Dr Devashish Dutta took a briefsession on how advocacy can bedone effectively.

Ms Kathy Al Jubih, HealthlinkWorldwide gave a brief talk on thefour strategic approaches toadvocacy namely: Rationale,Collaboration, Legal/Judicial andPolitical.

Ms Shangoan Das Gupta,Executive Director, Communicationfor Development and Learning,Bangalore spoke on the media inadvocacy.

For more information, pleasecontact Dr R Abel, RUHSA, CMC,Vellore.

Southern Region Workshop on Advocacy for HIV/AIDS andAdolescent Sexuality

7Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

SINGLE PARENTING

I am a single mother with ateenaged son. It took me manyyears to learn to handle my new

responsibilities. My pain andrejection was more pronouncedbecause even today a divorcedwoman is treated differently. This isnot to say that single fathers andwidows are not hurting andvulnerable. While many areas wouldbe similar, some of the areas aremore traumatic.

Dealing with personalfeelings of rejection, guiltand shameI was shattered at the separationfrom my husband. I was dealing withdeep feelings of rejection. It took meabout 10 years to come to terms withthe emotional pain. During this time Iwas not a perfect mother. I had somuch of pain, I could not relate to myfamily. Sure, I spent it in thepresence of God, yet I was never‘there’ with my son and he grew up inhis early years mainly with myparents taking on the parental role.

Apart from feelings of rejectionsare the feelings of shame, guilt andincapability. Apart from the accu-sations of the spouse, the societyalso looks down upon the woman asit feels that she must live with herhusband regardless of the type orenormity of the problems being faced.

Unlike widowed women, a divorcedwoman gets very little sympathy.There is invariably an undercurrent ofyou-are-to-blame vibes, and whetherit is your family, your colleagues oreven your church, you cannot escapethe odd look or expression if not adirect verbal punch.

Home Alone …

Sadly, all these reflect down to thechild and unconsciously children endup feeling they are to be blamed forsituations they have no control upon.Children also begin to developinferiority complexes due to society’sattitude to their mothers and to them.

Dealing with children’s grief,rejection and painAs my son was growing, it was onlynormal for him to ask about hisfather. In school, his friends wouldspeak of their fathers. Lessons on thefamily always included a father,mother and children. I decided that Iwould be truthful to him. I told himthat his father was not living with us,because he chose not to, but that wehad a heavenly father who loved usand would never leave us. My sonhas not seen his father. Over theyears as he has grown,he has not yetreconciled to his father havingdeserted us. While I have spoken onforgiveness and love — only hisheavenly Father can heal his woundsand I have placed him in His hands.

Joyce Premila, a single parent , shares with you thechallenges of being a single parent

Financial insecurityA single mother has less of a choice,both in the jobs she can choose aswell as in further studies, as financesare more constrained. While I hadmany opportunities to go abroad, Ichose to remain with my son as I felthe should not have a feeling ofrejection over me too leaving him.Apart from this, I did not have theflexibility to choose a job I would like.While I had opportunities to take up ajob with writing and teaching, I couldnot do so as I needed the salary Iwas getting and the security of agovernment job.

In my experience, I feel that singlemothers need to plan and budgetmonthly expenses with children. Theadvice of a financial advisor fromoutside the family who would beobjective would help to be morefinancially stable. Savings even insmall amounts should be made.

Deprival of family atmos-phere and relationshipsI used to envy my friends who wouldgo with their families on trips andpicnics. I would have loved to takemy son out for picnics and trips butwhen young, was always afraid to goalone. God was gracious to me, asmy parents would always take myson out with them every weekend. Sohe really never missed these—I did!!

Problem areasI often feel the lack of a father-figurein my son’s life. From the small thingslike kite-flying or spinning a top to thebigger issues like shaving or wetdreams are areas that my son has tograpple by himself.

It was only after my son was waypast adolescence — did it strike methat I should have discussed growingup with him. My son did not have anelder brother or cousin to evendiscuss the many changes as agrowing up boy and I as a mother,who though a nurse, was blissfullyunaware that these were areas whichwere needed to be discussed.

8 Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

SINGLE PARENTING

I am also grappling with whathappens when boys sneak inpornographic stuff into the home?Would a father have just laughed itaway and spoken of sex? Or wouldhe have hauled him up and saidthere is a line which should not becrossed? Was I over reacting andgiving him a guilt complex byaccusing him of bad behaviour?

At another time I caught my sonsmoking — and that was a year toolate — how was I to handle it? I tookthe cigarette and reacted in a mannerthat I hate to even think of — and lefthim to weep the whole night. Yes,probably if he had to have a father hemay have handled it differently.

How does one discuss friends withboys? I know girls too fight butcertainly they do not have fisticuffs!Boys seem to have egos, which arelarger than them and because of myinexperience with boys I really didnot realise I was giving my son thewrong advice. When my son involvedhimself in a fight between two otherboys — I encouraged him to be kindto the boy who was being trampledover — little did I dream it would endwith the other boy — the aggressorhaving connections with the underworld.Nor did I dream there would be bigproblems as a result of a small fight.

Mothers must seek the help of thepastor or committed friends who aremen to help be role models for theirchildren. Often explaining their needswill open the door for friends andfamily to play pro-active role modelsto children deprived of a parent. Aska friends family to take the kids alongwith them for a movie or a picnic. Letthe children absorb normal family value.

I sent my son to live with my sisterand brother-in-law who was his rolemodel. It was tough for me, but partof the letting go process every parentfaces.

The vacuum of the missingpartner/parentGod has placed in each one of us adeep desire for companionship andmarriage. A single parent lives withthis vacuum. God has placed in mypath many Godly friends who havebeen with me through my good andbad times — yet there is a desirewhich, as I leave to God, He enablesme to hold His hand and walk thenarrow path. Children too alwaysmiss the home atmosphere with bothparents. We need to be just mothers— the best mothers — we cannot befathers for God has not made us so— We can lean on God to be the bestfather for us.

VulnerabilityChildren of single parents often haveproblems at school too. Somechildren find it difficult to reveal theirsingle-parent status. Also the stigmaattached to a divorced mother tendsto colour teachers’ attitudes towardsthe child.

Parents need to be proactive andbuild the trust of teachers, teachersare human and once they know theproblems faced by children usuallygo out of their way to help childrenand make allowances for behaviour,which may be due to grief and anger.A gentle caring teacher can go along way into helping troubledchildren overcome their grief.

ConclusionThe rewards have more thancompensated my struggles. I see ason I am proud of. He is very kindand compassionate. A child whorarely answers back. A child whotries to go the extra mile to please meand protect me. A son who always isthere when I need him. I think of himand he brings a smile to my face, ajoy in my heart. I see in him a jewelGod has given—priceless. I knowthat the future is in God’s hands andhe who is the father to the fatherlesswill hold my son’s hands and guide.

One of the most powerful teachingtools parents have, is practicing inletter and spirit what they preach tothe children and want them to do.Everything you do (or don’t do)sends a message to y our childrenabout your values. Be sure youractions convey the right message.

Some pointers:

For Honesty and trustI will be as honest as I want my

children to be

I won’t lie to my children or infront of them

I will not treat honesty as a rule

WALK THE TALK….BE A ROLE MODEL

of convenience by excusing acts ofdishonesty or deceptions as exceptions

I will avoid hypocrisy likepreaching against smoking, drinkingor drugs while doing those activities.

For RespectI will treat women (including my

wife) with respect

I will listen with respect what mychildren have to say

I will avoid power plays and avoidyelling or display of temper oraggressive behaviour

I will use only the kind of languageI want my children to use

For ResponsibilityI will admit when I am in the

wrongI will apologise and be accountableWhile assigning responsibilities to

the children, I will do my share ofwork

I will insist that my children dotheir work at school and at homeregularly

I will set an example and obeytraffic rules, obey the law in allmatters, vote during elections,conserve water and electricity andkeep the environment clean.

Source Unknown

9Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

PARENTING TEENS

Relationship and Rules

Where many of us run the riskas parents is bringing upour kids with just a set of

rules. Josh McDowell says, “Ruleswithout relationship lead to rebellion.”

When we become controllingauthoritarian parents, we suffocateour children and cause them toresent us. The jaws of the peer groupare just waiting for a kid who is easilycontrolled. So our job is not to createan easily controlled kid who will bedevoured by his/her peers. When ateen does not have somethingpositive to identify with and has nosay over his/her life, s/he is morelikely to grow up with a naggingfeeling that s/he needs to “findhimself/herself.” These adolescents— when they grow up and havefamilies of their own — are moreprone to leaving their spouse andkids in a pursuit to finally “find”

Relating to Teens

themselves. They end up chasingrainbows that don’t even exist.

Avoid confrontationOne of the ways we can buildrelationship with our teens, is bycompromising with them when youare nose-to-nose with your angryteenager. Talk to them when they arewilling to listen or less agitated.

Help them resist peer pressure bymaking sure that they are acontributing member of the family.Ask yourself: What does my teen doon a daily basis? What does s/hegive back to the family? Am I runninga hotel or a home? Is my job to keepmy teen happy at all times?

We want to have a householdwhere every family memberproduces. It’s not our job to snowplowthe roads of life for our teens andmake sure they’re happy at everyturn. Instead, we want to create

windows of opportunities for ourteenagers so they feel that they arecontributing members to healthyfamily units.

One favour we can do for ourchildren is to release them from allthe activities we have them involvedin. We can let our children chooseone activity per semester. Driving tothree or four practices/meets perweek/per child quickly eliminates anychance of having quality and quantitytime together as a family.

Finally, expect the best. Most of usdon’t expect the best of our kids. In away, we tell our kids that we expectthem to goof up. One way or anotherwe find a way to give our teens thatnegative commercial. But havingpositive expectations and saying toan adolescent child, “Hey, you’ve gota good brain in your head, use it,” isactually a healthy way to act as aparent. You’re saying, “Hey, I thinkyou will make wise choices.”

Dr Kevin Leman

The Harvard Centre for HealthCommunication with support fromthe John D and Catherine TMacarthur Foundation hasconducted two recent projects toconsolidate and disseminateresearch findings about parentingissues. Each project has a reportwritten for the media, policymakers, practitioners, advocates,educators, community leaders andothers who work with and on behalfof parents and families. For furtherinformation on the HarvardParenting Project, please contact:

A Rae SimpsonMassachusetts AvenueRoom 16-151, Cambridge,MA 02139-4307Tel: 617-253-1592Fax: 617-253-2609E-mail: rsimpson@mit.eduWebsite:www.hsph.harvard.edu/chc/parenting

FOR YOUR INFO

10 Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

PARENTING A DISABLED CHILD

The first knock

To be blessed with a son is adream come true and like mostcouples, my wife and I rejoiced

in the birth of our son who at the timeof his birth looked a picture of perfecthealth. He was our second child andour first born, Hari, was thrilled thathe had at last a brother to play with.

But that joy was short lived. Withinmonths, we noticed that Tikku wasdifferent. We compared Tikku’smilestones with Hari’s and found thatthere was something amiss. Wecould not really pin point at first. Forapart from the child looking a littlelistless and of course, not being ableto hold his head firmly, there wasnothing physically wrong with thechild.

Each evening when I returnedfrom work, I picked him up and cooedto him but he never showed anysigns of recognition or interest. Mywife and I pacified each other in turnsthat he was a late starter or that

My Special Child

unlike Hari, this little fella wasreserved or shy etc,etc.

But soon things got to a stage thatwe could not ignore his development.He was closing in towards his firstbirthday and he still was unable to sitby himself. Finally, we took him to theHoly Family Hospital at Delhi and itwas here that I heard the word‘Downs Syndrome’ for the first time. Ihad no clue what it was all about andI thought that the doctor wasincompetent! When he said that ourchild would never be like otherchildren, I left his office in a huff. Mythroat was dry and I was confusedand angry. My wife reacted to thedoctor’s verdict by breaking out intoloud sobs.

All I knew was there was no historyof any kind of handicap either in myfamily or in my wife’s family, so howwas it possible that our son should bechallenged in such a manner? Ilooked at my son in disbelief and wewalked out of the hospital in a daze.

AcceptanceIt took us some time to even want toaccept that our child was challenged.I blocked this thought for manymonths but then reality does notchange by wishful thinking. While mywife visited tantriks and holy men insearch for a cure, I forced myself tocheck out medical possibilities.Looking back, it is ironic that my wifewho is a nurse and I with my accessto so many doctors (I work in a healthNGO) found ourselves so helplesswhen confronted with such a bigchallenge.

On the advice of colleagues, wefinally went to the All India Institute ofMedical Sciences at Delhi. Here thedoctors not only confirmed that ourchild had Downs Syndrome but alsotold us about the implications andrelated problems. Perhaps whatcushioned the blow was that therewere so many parents outside in thewaiting room with children like Tikkuand some much worse than our son.I then realised that we were amongthe more fortunate parents.

Taking CareThe first thing that we learnt was thatchildren with Downs Syndrome arenot only different from other ‘normal’children but also are different fromother children with the same problem.Each of them, have their own pace ofgrowth and patterns of behaviour. Ofcourse, there are “typical” symptomstoo like a marked delay in theirmilestones, withdrawal from others,inability to communicate with othersand content to be left alone. Forexample, I have never heard my soncry. He is now three and a half yearsold but he never indicates when he ishungry or that he wants to go thetoilet. Because his mother is alwaystuned to his needs, she doeswhatever is necessary.

He is always in his own world andreaching out to him and holding hisattention was one of the biggestchallenges. But now, after so manyyears he is able to stand and showsome signs of “communication.” His

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Cocooned in love...Tikku and his parents

11Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

PARENTING A DISABLED CHILD

vocabulary is limited to “Mama” andeveryone and everything is mama tohim. But he responds to his nameand that by itself is a bigachievement.

ChallengesWith a child like Tikku at home I findevery day a challenge. Apart from thefact that we have to battle ourpersonal fears and depression on adaily basis, one person has to beconstantly by his side, our life hasundergone a sea change after hisbirth.

We have had to cut down oursocialising. It is not easy to go outwith Tikku. Friends and relatives arekind but every time they give usadvice to visit this doctor or go to thatvaid. It might be well meaning but weare actually tired of having visited somany people.

Another difficulty is that Tikku hasto be carried most of the time andthat is quite demanding. Then Tikku’stoilet habits always cause embarrass-ment, especially to his elder brother.

We also need to monitor his diet ina very special way. Because of hislack of physical inactivity, he does notdigest his food easily. He also has athyroid problem and apart fromregular medication we ensure that hegets his vitamins by giving him fruitsand milk regularly.

Tikku is also sensitive to extremecold and heat and vulnerable topneumonia. So we have to be careful

about his bath time and his clothes.

His medications and our travel tohis physio once in a month are alltaxing on the pocket. Because of this,we have to cut corners and depriveour elder son of some extra tid-bits.

I am also concerned about ourelder son. Though Hari is a veryunderstanding and loving child, wesometimes feel that he is not able toget much attention because both mywife and I are taking care of Tikku.We have not noticed any jealousy yetbut I am sure there have been timeswhen our elder son has feltneglected.

ConsolationI am given to understand that childrenwith Downs Syndrome can lead anormal life to some degree,especially when compared to otherdisadvantage children. They usuallyare talented and have some specialskills. We are waiting to discoverTikku's skills.

FutureAs parents, we also worry a lot aboutthe future of Tikku. I am not surewhat is destined for each of us but Ihope that some girl will somedaymarry him so that at least he will havea wife to look after him when we arenot there.

Kashiram

As told to Reena Mathai Luke

ANNOUNCEMENT

Round Table Meeting on ‘Main-streaming Disability in Development’at Ahmedabad from February 24-26,2005. This will be accompanied withan exhibition of photographs as wellas “Seeing in the Dark.” The meetingis organised by Blind PeopleAssociation and Healthlink Worldwide.About Seeing in the DarkThis is an innovative simulationexperience just set up in Dhaka bySocial Assistance and Rehabilitationfor the Physically Vulnerable(SARPV) where people with visualimpairments led sighted peoplethrough a completely darkened room.A path was made through a host ofobstructions that tripped the feet andtouched the face and sounds thatstartled and scared.

The different elements were puttogether by blind people themselves sothat others could experience theireveryday difficulties. A quiet cornerwas filled with the taped story of ayoung girl abused by a male relative.The simple first person story wentstraight to the hearer’s heart. Al-together it was a transformationalexperience for many sighted people. Itwas, at the same time, a boost forpeople with visual impairment, whowere the only ones who could see inthe dark.

Watchoutfor our next

issue onDisability

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Tikku with his parents Hari

12 Health Dialogue, Issue no. 39, October-December 2004

Health Dialogue is publishedquarterly by the Christian MedicalAssociation of India. It has acirculation of over 20,300 in India.

EditorMs Reena Mathai Luke

Editorial Co-ordinator

Ms Sumathi Morgan

Editorial Advisory GroupDr Vijay AruldasMs Reena Mathai LukeDr Sara MathewsDr Sukant SinghDr Sunita Abraham

Design & ProductionMs Susamma Mathew

Mailing ListMs Shalini Dayal

Published by the General SecretaryCMAI, Plot No. 2, A-3Local Shopping Centre, JanakpuriNew Delhi - 110 058Telephones: 25521502, 25599991,25599992, 25599993Fax: 011- 25598150E-mail : cmai@cmai.org, cmaidel@vsnl.comWebsite: http://www.cmai.org

Healthlink Worldwide (formerlyAHRTAG)Cityside, 40 Adler Street,London, E1 1EE, UKTelephone +44 20 7539 1570Fax +44 20 7539 1580E-mail info@healthlink.org.ukhttp://www.healthlink.org.uk

The views expressed in HealthDialogue are not necessarily those ofthe editorial advisory group.

Printed at: New Life Printers Pvt. Ltd.

ChristianMedicalAssociation ofIndia

Health D ia logue

RESOURCES

Bangalore Office:

HVS Court, 3rd Floor21, Cunningham RoadBangalore – 560052Telephones: 080-22205464, 22257844E-mail: cmaiblr@vsnl.com

Discipline That Works: 5 Simple Steps by Joyce Divinyi“There is a lot of good advice packed into this excellent little book onbehaviour. It provides five methods for parents of children who are elementaryage through teenage to guide their children to behave appropriately. Thesemethods include using short positive commands, questions, and teachingskills. Topics include coping with boredom, being bumped in the hall, doingchores when asked, redirecting to proper behaviour and much more. Thisadvice is useful for all parents, including those whose children have ADD, LDor Asperger’s Syndrome.”

Single Mothers by Choice by Jane Mattes“A thoughtful and experienced introduction to the issues of single parenting forsingle women who are considering motherhood.” (Allison Martin.)

Raising Your Spirited Child : A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is MoreIntense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary SheedyKurcinka “A very popular book for parents of over-sensitive and energeticchildren. This book is aimed at parents of “normal” children but it is also helpfulfor children with mild special needs, such as mild sensory integration issues ormild psychological difficulties. A compassionate and well thoughtoutdescription and advice for parents of children who fit her ‘model’ and over-reactto their environment. However, parents of children with behaviour, attention,learning disabilities, and other issues are likely to find that specifically targetedbooks are more applicable.” (Allison Martin)

Keys to Parenting the Only Child by Carl Pickhardt“A concise introduction to some of the pitfalls and positives that can arise whenyou are raising only one child. The author, Carl Pickhardt, provides bothencouragement and suggestions for ways to reduce these risks and raisehappy, responsibility and well-integrated children. Parents who are raisingchildren with a wide age range will also find this book to be a helpful resource.”(Allison Martin)

Your Defiant Child : 8 Steps to Better Behaviour by Russell A Barkley,Christine M Benton“A chatty but informed approach for parents who wish to find a way to improvethe behaviour of their hard to handle child. He explains how to use praise,attention, time out and other interventions to improve your relationship withyour child as well as their behaviour. Dr Barkley specialises in helping childrenwith ADHD.” (Allison Martin)

How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! by Sal Severe“A handy reference tool which provides excellent motivation for those who feelthe need to improve their parenting and discipline skills. Recently revised.”(Allison Martin)

Parenting a Child With a Behaviour Problem : A Practical andEmpathetic Guide by Penny Paquette, Cheryl Gerson Tuttle“Practical advice on parenting a child with behaviour issues.” (Allison Martin)

Useful Sites on Parentingwww.parenting.comwww.valuesparenting.comwww.christiantoday.com/parentingwww.parenthood.comwww.parenthoodweb.com

SUGGESTED BOOKS ON PARENTING