Friend or Loved One has been Traumatized

When a

Traumatic events are not rare. Between 55and 70% of people will experience at leastone traumatic event in their lifetimes. Mostwill experience more than one. These eventsnot only affect individuals, but also theirfamily, friends, and coworkers. It isimportant for those who have experiencedthese events to have the support of friends,family, and others. It is also important thatthese supporters understand their lovedones’ reactions as well as their own, so theycan help them through the difficult timesthat accompany and follow traumaticevents.

Natural responses to traumaticevents

Most people who experience traumaticevents will have normal stress responses andexperience some difficulties for a period oftime. However, many also experience moresignificant distress and trauma reactions. Inorder for friends and family to support aloved one during this difficult time, it isimportant for them to understand naturalreactions to traumatic events. Physical andsexual assaults and abuse are traumaticevents and can cause effects that are similarto other life-threatening events such as waror natural disasters.

There is a range of reactions that arenormal immediately following an assault.Some survivors may be very upset and maycry, yell, or shake. Others may seem calmand composed or even numb, cold, anddetached. They may want to talk about thetraumatic experience or they may wish toremain quiet. Some may want physicalcontact while others may not want to betouched. They may have any number ofemotions including feelings of fear, anger,guilt, sadness, and confusion.

Some individuals who have endured traumaticsituations, despite how they are feeling, maybelieve it is necessary to assure others thatthey are fine. They may not want to “bother”others with their continuing problems or maywant to get “back to normal.” Some will usealcohol, drugs, sexual promiscuity, overeating,or overworking to numb their feelings.Survivors may experience nightmares,insomnia or excessive sleeping, changes ineating, sexual problems, physical aches andpains, difficulty concentrating, and loss ofinterest in activities and in others. They mayhave frequent, disturbing memories of thetraumatic event. It is common for people toexperience mood swings during this time,and survivors may misdirect anger towardothers or toward themselves. They may feeldependent upon or become overprotective ofothers. Problems with trust and intimacy arecommon.

These reactions are typical for victims of traumatic life events. However, eachindividual may experience unique reactionsor may alternate among these reactions.

Reactions of friends and family

When an individual learns that a loved onehas been assaulted or abused, he or she mayexperience a range of emotions that aresimilar to the emotions of the loved one.Some of these include feelings of helpless-ness and confusion, anger, guilt, fear, anddepression. People often want to help, butmay get conflicting messages from thesurvivor, feel helpless and confused in theface of the pain, and may not know what todo. Below are some reactions of the friendsand loved ones of survivors of physical andsexual assault and abuse.

“What has been hardest for me is feelinghelpless and not knowing what to do, asthis has driven a huge wedge between us.”

“Frustration is the thing that gets to me. I feel I can’t do anything to help.”

“I have nowhere to go with my anger overthis and that is hard; I cannot discussanything with her as it is a taboo subject. I don’t even know what happened and no one will tell me so of course I imagine allsorts of horrid things based on the fewdetails I know.”

“People don’t understand that whathappened is hard for both of us. Every day I think about what this guy did to mygirlfriend and I want to do something aboutit but my girlfriend just keeps everythinginside. She doesn’t want to talk about it orget help. I realize I can’t push her to gethelp but I feel lost about the situation.”

“I also think that it hits really close to homebecause, being a woman, I have always beenpetrified of being raped.... I am still terrifiedthat it will happen to me and even more sonow. I don’t know how I would ever recoverfrom it and just pray it never happens tome. I still can’t believe what happened to my sister; it is hard to comprehend.”

“My son’s disclosure was gradual. My mindwas taken over with thoughts of what heendured; I could think of nothing else. Inmy private moments, I cried my heart out.Other times I walked around like a zombieand went through the motions of life. Iwondered if I could ever return to a normalthought pattern or ever feel happy again.”

What should friends do if someonethey care for has been atraumatized?

Support: Be there for the survivor. Often,friends and family of the survivor will feel aneed to “problem solve” or offer advice.However, physical presence and support areusually more valuable. Do not comment onwhat the survivor should have done or tellhim or her what to do now.

Education: Educate yourself about traumaand the healing process. Learn aboutcommon reactions to traumatic experiencesand about resources by attending classes,viewing films, reading books, searching theInternet, or talking to a counselor.

Communicate about the assault: Listen and allow the survivor to talk about thetraumatic experience at his or her ownpace. Friends can let the survivor know that they are there to listen and givesupport when the survivor is ready. Believethe survivor and validate his or her feelingsand reactions. Do not minimize what thesurvivor has been through by saying thingslike, “it could have been worse.” Be clearthat the abuse or assault was not thesurvivor’s fault and do not question or judgewhat he or she did to survive. Friends canshare their feelings honestly and openly andreassure the survivor of their love andconcern. Friends can also communicatetheir support through their behavior.Because the survivor may feeluncomfortable with physical contact, it ishelpful to ask before touching or hugginghim or her.

Do not focus solely on the assault: Take abreak from talking about it. Follow thesurvivor’s lead on when to talk about it andwhen to take a break. Allow time formutual relaxation and pleasant activities.

Broaden the social support network: Friendscan encourage survivors to get additionalsupport. This support may come from otherfriends and family members, religiousinstitutions, support groups, self-helpresources, crisis counseling agencies, ortrained mental health professionals. Friendsand family may also seek personal, couples,or family counseling if they are troubled by“secondary” trauma reactions such as theirown thoughts or images of what happenedto the survivor, anxiety, depression, fears,anger, addiction, or relationship problems.

Return control: Friends must respect the timeand space it takes to heal. This requirespatience. By respecting the survivors’ wishesand allowing them to make decisions, friendshelp return control to them.

“We can’t be in their shoes. We can only do afew things. We can TRY to understand them.We can love them. We MUST NOT takethings personally, and we can’t be offendedby what they do. They are hurting.”

“The most important thing to remember,whether or not you agree with what shedecides to do, is be supportive. She hasalready had enough control taken awayfrom her... she needs ultimate control andshe needs to know that you love her nomatter what she decides to do.”

The appreciation of survivors

Although they may not always be able toexpress it, survivors will appreciate thesupport of friends and family.

“You are all very wonderful for taking thetime… to find out what to do and how tohelp your loved ones who are survivors ofabuse of some kind. What would we dowithout you? We would be lost and lonely.If it weren’t for those who love us, wewouldn’t be able to make it! Thank you allso very much.”

“I am a rape survivor. I just wanted to saythank you to all who… want to aid healingof their loved ones. We survivors may notmake sense a lot of the time, and you mayfeel confused and bewildered, but just bybeing there and loving us anyway, you do agreat deal. Thanks so much!”

A family doctor, clergy person, localmental health association, statepsychiatric, psychological, or social workassociation, or health insurer may behelpful in providing a referral to acounselor or therapist with experience intreating people affected by traumaticstress. For more information abouttraumatic stress or the InternationalSociety of Traumatic Stress Studies, call1-800-469-PTSD (7873).

60 Revere Drive, Suite 500, Northbrook, IL 60062 USA

Tel: 847/480-9028 Fax: 847/480-9282

Toll free: 877/469-7873

www.istss.org

What is ISTSS?

The International Society for Traumatic Stress

Studies is a nonprofit organization whose goal is to

ensure that everyone affected by trauma receives the

best possible professional response, and to reduce

traumatic stressors and their immediate and long-

term consequences worldwide.

ISTSS provides an independent community for sup-

porting and sharing research, clinical strategies,

public policy concerns and theoretical formulations

on trauma. ISTSS members include psychiatrists,

psychologists, social workers, nurses, counselors,

researchers, journalists, clergy, law enforcement, cor-

rectional facilities administrators, advocates and

others with an interest in the treatment and study of

traumatic stress.

Members work in clinical and nonclinical settings

around the world, including public and private

health facilities, private practice, universities and

research foundations.

This pamphlet was created by the

Public Education Committee

of the

International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies.

© 2000