Writers: Ethan Woodward and John Geels

Editor and Illustrator: Mark Bolding

A long, long

time ago, about

five minutes

before I started

writing this, John

and Glenn

Kanubus went to

collect their crop.

While they were

in the middle of

“harvesting”, they

heard that cheesy

horror music

playing behind

them, indicating their certain doom.

“Hey, what was that, dude?” inquired

John

“I don’t know, man”, Glenn said

“You should go check it out, dude”

“Okay, man, but first let’s tell that

ominous orchestra to quit playing that

cheesy horror music”

“Right. Hey! Shut up, dudes”

The orchestra was reluctant to quit

playing so John took the baton from

their director and chased the musicians

away.

“Why would anyone play ominous

music here, man” said Glenn. “Nothing

bad ever happened at camp crystal lake,

home of famous murderer Jason

Voorhees, man”

“Let’s get our stuff and get out of

here, dude” John suggested

The two turned

around and saw a

large mysterious

man in a hockey

mask staring down

at them with a

machete in his hand.

Glenn’s brilliant

response was

“Whoa, man”

“Yeah, whoa,

dude. When did you

get here, dude?”

exclaimed John.

Jason’s only response was his

signature ghostly retort “Choo-choo-choo-

choo-hah-hah-hah…”

“Is that the hulk, man?” Glenn asked.

“Dude, everyone knows the hulk

doesn’t play Hockey, dude.”

“You know you’re totally right, man.”

Jason simply retorted again.

“He plays football, dude.”

“I thought he did baseball, man.”

“No way, dude. It’s soccer, dude.”

“Didn’t he play tennis in the

Olympics, man?”

“I think he did, dude.”

In the midst of their bickering, Jason

lifted his machete and swung at them.

The shot barely missed Glenn’s arm.

John was the first to exclaim. “Whoa,

dude”

“What the – what’s your problem,

man. That’s my good looking hand,

man.”

Jason took a step toward them and

lifted his machete again.

Glenn intelligently suggested “Let’s

get out of here, man!”

They began running away as fast as

they could. They ran until they found a

road, with a car parked on the shoulder

with a woman outside of it on her cell

phone.

The woman said “I told you there’s no

reception out here. I think I’m lost.”

John’s brain finally kicked into high

gear. “Dude, let’s take her car, dude”.

“Okay, man.” Glenn obliged.

They snuck up to the car and slid in

as quietly as they could.

“Start the engine, but be quiet, man.”

Glenn ordered.

“Right, dude.”

John started the car and the engine

began to roar.

“What the…” the woman exclaimed

“She sees us, man!” Glenn observed.

“Go, man!”

John yelled as loud as he could and

slammed on the gas. Unfortunately, the

car was still in park, so the engine roared

loader without any movement.

Glenn was shocked. “I think it’s

broken, man.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong, dude.”

said john. “Oh! I bet we have to move this

little stick, dude.”

“Wait! I’ve seen people do this before.

We’re on ‘P’. That means ‘Please Hold’.

We need to be on ‘R’. That means ‘Run’,

man.”

“Got it!” John said, as he shifted to

“R”. This put them in “Reverse”. When

he slammed on the gas once more, Jason

emerged from the forest. Unfortunately

for him, he stepped out onto the road

behind them. The car shot backwards

and ran the murderer over.

Shocked by the response, Glenn said

“It’s broken, man! It’s supposed to go the

other way, man!”

“The stick

must be wrong,

dude!” John

suggested.

John moved

the stick back and

forth until he hit

“Drive”, and the

car began racing

forward. Jason had just regained his

footing when the car plowed back over

him.

John was awed by the sight of this.

“Did we kill him, dude?” he managed to

say.

Glenn retorted, “You can’t kill The

Hulk, man.”

“He’s not The Hulk, dude!” John shot

back, angrily. “He’s not even wearing a

rugby shirt!”

The woman was

in disbelief. “Hey!

Come back with my

car!”

They stopped

next to the woman

with the killer

beginning to get

back up behind them.

“Get in, man!” Glenn yelled. “I’ll

scoot over.”

“What are

you talking

about?” she

screamed back.

“I said get out of

my car!”

“You can either get in here or stay out

there with him, dude!” John said as he

motioned towards the approaching

menace. She looked over and didn’t need

to be told again. His scuffed and bloodied

clothes along with his weapon of choice

were enough to set her straight. She

jumped right in.

“Who is that guy?” she managed to

ask after getting safely in.

“A real mad athlete, man.” answered

Glenn.

“I think he’s on steroids, dude.”

added John.

“That stuff is bad for you, man. No

wonder he’s mad. He’s got ‘roid-rage,

man!”

John and Glenn wasted a few seconds

nodding at the assessment while the

woman tried to make sense of the

situation. “Can you just drive?” she

added in a fuss.

“Quick!” Glenn shouted. “Put it in

‘run’, man!”

“Put it in ‘Drive’, morons!” the

woman screamed.

“Oh! They’ve updated these things,

haven’t they?” Glenn asked in a stupor.

As Jason approached, they were able

to figure out the simple mechanics of the

car and drive forward. They drove for as

long as they could, which was about two

hundred yards.

The car slowed to

a stop, and all the

warning lights

came on at once.

In his surprise,

John asked

“What happened,

dude?”

The woman answered “I stopped

because I was almost out of gas!”

“What a coincidence, man!” Glenn

said. “The car needs gas to go! Wow,

man!”

Fear reinstated, John asked “What do

we do, dude?”

“He’s coming!” the woman yelled in

fright.

“Hey, I know.” Glenn said smoothly.

“Let’s go into that conveniently-placed

old barn, man.”

As they looked

at the shabby

building, John

said “That is

convenient, dude.”

They all

scrambled out of

the car and

sprinted for the

barn. As they got inside, they saw a huge

pile of lumber.

“Let’s use that to block the door!” the

woman said.

Glenn hesitated, and then added

“Whoa! Let’s think this through, man.

He’ll expect us to be in here. I say we

block the door from the other side and

hide on the outside, man.”

In an awed stupor, John said “Wow!

That is genius, dude!”

“There’re no windows, idiot! We have

to block it now!” the woman yelled.

Before anyone was able to make up

their minds, they heard heavy boots

getting ever closer to the barn. John and

Glenn just stared at the door while the

woman looked for anything to aide their

efforts. At first, it seemed that all was

lost, until she saw the ladder to the loft

above.

“Up there!” she shouted.

She scrambled up the ladder with the

two dimwits stumbling up behind her.

They hefted the ladder up behind them as

Jason walked in. He slowly turned his

head from side to side without catching

sight of his prey. As he turned to walk

out, a bale of hay crashed to the floor. He

whipped around and saw the three

victims staring down.

“Whoops, man.” Glenn said.

“It’s okay, dude.” John added. “He

doesn’t have a way up to us.”

Glenn’s face suddenly lit up. “Yeah,

man. Hey! What are you going to do from

down there, man?” he shouted at the

monster. He then saw realization in the

killer’s eyes as he began walking toward

the loft’s base. “Oh, that’s not good,

man.”

Before their

eyes, he stalked

over to the support

beam of the loft

and began

chopping at it.

“What do we do

now?” the woman

asked frantically.

“We’re finished

now, man! Game over, man! Game over!”

Glenn added.

“Oh no we’re not, dude!” John said as

he jumped down onto Jason’s back and

put him in a strangle hold. All of a

sudden, heavy-metal fight music starts as

if they were in a movie.

“Do you hear that music, man?”

Glenn questioned in wonder.

“Shut up and help him!” the woman

screamed.

“Oh, right, man!” Glenn then jumped

for it and slammed into Jason before

landing flat on his face on the ground.

Rolling her eyes, the woman jumped

down and drop-kicked Jason in the face.

She hit the dirt and quickly race forward

to land another blow across his head.

The big oaf hit

the floor like a

sack of potatoes.

She then found

a rope to secure

him with.

“Man! That

was too close.”

she added after

the deed was

done. Before she

knew it, however,

Glenn got up and

sucker-punched her. She was out cold

before she hit the ground.

“What in the heck did you do that for,

dude?” John asked frantically.

“She just whooped that guy, man!

Imagine what she would do to us for

what happened to the car, man.” Glenn

retorted.

“Whoa! I guess that sounds right,

dude. She could’ve beaten us black and

blue, dude.” John agreed.

Looking smug, Glenn said “Well, it

looks like we saved the day, man!”

The two then staggered back to finish

the harvest and left with what they came

for.