final novel

8/22/2019 Final Novel

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Taken away by

the river Every story has a beginning; this one began sixteen years ago, near one of thetrees that surround this river, the same river that today is witnessing my tears. Legend has

it that everything falling into the waters of this river: leaves, insects, feathers, birds, is

transformed into the stones of its bed. I wish I could rip out my heart and throw it into the

stream, so there would be no more pain, no nostalgia, and no memories.

My hands are freezing, my legs numb from the icy wind. The winter cold makes me

feel the tears running down my face to mingle with the icy waters that pass in front of me.

Somewhere, that river joins another, then another, until, far from my eyes and my heart,

all those waters merge with the sea. I wished my tears could run so far away, that they

could carry all my suffering and dump it into the sea, so they pain would be gone forever

and I could keep fighting. ut the cruel reality is that they can!t, nothing can take this

pain away from we, because it is way too deep inside my soul, where nothing else than

love can reach" and love is e#actly what has caused this crisis.

That is why I decided to surrender. I have no more dreams to chase, no more goals to

achieve, no more strength to continue on. $e brought it all back to me, and then, without

a warning, he left and took everything away with him.

I remember the magic moments we spent together, those moments in which a %yes% or

a %no% can change our whole e#istence. It seems like it happened long ago and yet, it was


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just a week ago. &e only spent seven days together, that was all 'od gave me, more than

enough to recover the faith and hope that I had lost when I was a child, and to plan the

ne#t seven decades of my life. (nfortunately just a few seconds of those seven days were

also enough to lose everything again.

%Try to live. )eave the memories for old,% he said just yesterday.

*ow I realize that he was right, but it!s too late already. +erhaps memories make us

grow old, and make us younger when youth passes. ut how can I let those memories to

be swept forever by the waters of this river I can-t. That is why I am writing to leave a

testimony of this perple#ing love story. I hope that someday there will be somebody who

reads this and finds it helpful in the art of deciphering the most indecipherable mystery of

all love.

We had spent our childhood and adolescence together in a small town near osario,

!rgentina. We were born on the same day of "#$", only separated by a difference of

seven hours. %hat day our parents became friends, and since then we grew up together,

sharing everything. We were inseparable friends, until one day, when &anny left. 'e said

he wanted to (now the world; his dreams went beyond the fields of osario.

'e had an adventurous spirit, a profound desire for learning and living exciting

experiences; he wanted to be a free soul, a globetrotter. When he first told me that he was

going to leave, I did not listen. I thought he meant that he would visit his grandmother as

he used to do every years by &ecember, and then he would be bac( in a couple of wee(s.

!ctually, I had never entertained the idea of being away from him. I could not imagine

my life without him being on my side. %herefore when I understood what he was really


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trying to tell me, my world stopped spinning and turned upside down.

)Will you be bac( for *hristmas+) I as(ed innocently, li(e a child as(ing his dad if

anta *laus will come as every year, bringing toys and candies, and fulfilling all his

wishes.

)-o, I wont,) he replied sha(ily, without loo(ing at me.

I immediately reali/ed that there was something wrong. I (new him more than

anybody else in the world; I (new each one of his moves, his stares and his gestures.

Every time he shunned my eyes and loo(ed at the ground, the danger alarm started to

sound and I could foresee the disaster coming.

)What do you mean+ !re you going to stay more time in *ordova this year+) I as(ed

incredulously, still hoping that it would be only a false alarm. 'e did not respond at first.

'e loo(ed unusually thoughtful, still facing down. 0inally, after a disturbing moment of

silence, he loo(ed up at my eyes and said:

)Im not coming bac( this time.)

)Where are you going+) I as(ed perplexed.

)I do not (now exactly where, but Im not coming bac( in a long time.)

)What do you mean by a long time+)

)I want to travel all over the world. I want to (now new places, new people, I want to

live new adventures and leave behind this monotonous life that I have here. 1erhaps I will

never return.)


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2y heart stopped and fro/e. I did not (now what to say or what to do. I 3ust stayed

silent and without moving for some minutes. %hen I suddenly stood up and began

running for miles and miles, until the 1arana iver appeared in my way. %here I laid on

the ground and cried for hours.

'e spent the entire day loo(ing for me, but never found me. %he next day he said that

I had not let him finish what he had to tell me. 'e invited me along in his adventure, he

said that he really wanted me to go with him, but at that moment I couldnt answer his

proposal. I thought about it for days and night, but I did not have the courage to leave

everything behind and escape with him, which is what my heart was imploring me to do.

! few years passed by without news. 0rom time to time, I received some letters, butthat was it, because he never returned to the forests and streets of our childhood. When I

finished 'igh chool, I moved to the city, where I entered *ollege and wor(ed as a

waitress to pay for school. 2eanwhile, his letters began to come more often, labeled with

stamps from various countries. 'onestly, I felt a little envious. 'e was my oldest friend,

who (new everything, traveled the world, let his wings stretch wide open in the air as I

was stuc( here, trying to ta(e root.

'e tal(ed about his adventures, his visits to exciting places, and his passion for art.

'e said he had found his vocation, that special activity to which he would devote the rest

of his life. 'e entered a famous academy in -apoli, where he would ac4uire the s(ills

needed to become a great painter. %hree years later he graduated and sent me one of his

paintings as a gift. It was a beautiful picture of me, the little me, a precious canvas that

brought a lot of memories to my mind. It made me remember a part of me that time


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seemed to have blown away. 'e had definitely become a true artist.

5ut never again he mentioned anything about what had remained unfinished between

us after his departure. I was afraid to do it, fearing that maybe that could bother him and

interrupt our communication, so the matter remained untouched. 5ut then, two wee(s

ago, he sent me a letter saying that he would come bac( to !rgentina to participate in an

art exhibition, and that he wanted to see me.

I got very excited. 6f course I wanted to see him too; I had been waiting that

moment for years, years that were li(e centuries for me. I wanted to tal( to him. I wanted

to sit with him in a bar and remember the times when we used to play together and thin(

that the world was such a huge place that nobody could travel all over it. o I made the

three7hour 3ourney that led me to that awaited reunion with my memories.

Saturday, December 25rd

It was my first time in 5uenos !ires. !s unbelievable as it may sound, I had neverbeen to the capital of my country. %herefore I had some trouble to find the address, but

after as(ing a lot of people I finally found the place. I arrived two hours early. %he event

was held in a more formal place than I had imagined and there were more people than

expected. I did not understand what was happening. &ho knows Maybe he is now

famous,I thought. I felt li(e tal(ing to someone and as(ing what they were doing there,


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but I lac(ed the courage.

I was surprised to see him come in. 'e loo(ed different from the child I had (nown.

5ut the change was logical, after all, eleven years is a lot of time. 'e was more

handsome, and had shiny eyes. !s soon as I saw &anny from the distance, I tried to

approach him but the crowd didnt let me get very close.

'e too( the microphone and began to spea(, welcoming and than(ing all the presents

for being there. I could not concentrate at all. I reali/ed that he had spotted me in the

audience, and I tried to decipher his thoughts: 'ow did I loo( to him+ 'ow different was

the girl of eighteen from the woman of twenty7nine+

2any people gathered around him as he finished his presentation. I waited, concerned

about what his impression of me would be after so many years. I felt li(e a child: insecure

and tense because I did not (now any of his new friends, 3ealous because he paid more

attention to others than to me.

%hen he finally came up to me. 'e turned red and was no longer that man who

claimed important things; he became again the child who went to school and played with

me, the one who used to tal( to me about his dreams to travel the world.

)'ello, intia,) he said.

I (issed him on the chee(. I could have made a funny remar( about our childhood or

commented on how proud I was to see him there, admired by everybody. I could have

explained that I needed to run and catch the last bus bac( to osario. I could have... %here

were so many things I could have said, but no word came out of my mouth.


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In every moment of our lives there are things that could have happened and ended up

not happening. %here are magical moments going unnoticed and suddenly, the hand of

destiny changes our universe. %his is what happened eleven years ago, when I had the

opportunity to listen to my heart but I refused to do it, and instead I let him fly away.

)*an we have some coffee together+) %hat was everything I said.

8I really need to tal( to you. %omorrow I have another exhibition in *ordova. I

would li(e you to come with me.)

)I have to go bac( to osario,) I replied, not very convinced of what I was saying

and not reali/ing that this might be my last chance. %hen I surprised myself, perhaps

because in seeing him I had become a child again, so I said:

)5ut I can accompany you and then continue on from there.)

'e accepted and we agreed to meet the next morning to ma(e the trip. It was about

"9: am so I decided to say goodbye and let him ta(e care of his duties.

Sunday, December 26rd

!fter two long hours of driving, we stopped for a coffee. We got off the car and

wal(ed into a colorful bar to ta(e a brea( on the long 3ourney. It was a small but co/y and

romantic place. It was noon so there were few people inside. %he place was lit by dim

lights of various colors, and a delightful soft bac(ground music was being played. %he


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site invited to tal(, so after ordering a drin( we began an spontaneous dialogue.

)Life taught you many things), I said, trying to start a conversation.

)It taught me that we can learn, and it taught me that we can change,) he replied,

)even when it seems impossible.)

*learly he wanted to drop the sub3ect. We had hardly spo(en during the two7hour

drive that brought us to this roadside cafe. !t first I tried to remind him about our

childhood time, but he 3ust showed a polite interest. In fact, he was not really listening to

me, and (ept as(ing 4uestions about things I had not said. It seemed that something was

wrong. 2aybe time and distance had removed him forever from my world. 'is universe

was different from mine. osario was 3ust a distant memory, fro/en in time, and his

childhood friends still young boys and girls.

I began regretting my decision to accept his invitation. o when he changed the

sub3ect again, I decided not to insist any more. %he remaining two hours were pure

torture. 'e was watching the road, I was loo(ing out the window, and neither said a word.

It was impossible to hide the aw(ward feelings that had settled between us. %he rental car

had no radio, so the only thing we could do was to endure the silence.

)Lets as( where the bus station is), I said as we left the highway. It was nap time and

there were few people on the streets. We passed a man, and then a young couple, but he

did not stop to as( for information.

)&o you (now where that is+) I as(ed after a while.

)Where is what+)


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'e still did not pay attention to what I was saying. I suddenly understood the silence.

What could he converse with a woman who had never ventured in the world+ What

interest could have to be next to someone who feared the un(nown, who preferred a

secure 3ob and a conventional marriage+ 1oor me, always tal(ing about the same

childhood friends, the same dusty memories of an insignificant village. %hose were the

only things I could offer him.

)ou can drop me off here), I said when we got to what seemed the center of the city.

I tried to show me casual, but I felt stupid, childish and boring. 'e stopped the car.

)I have to ta(e the bus to return to osario,) I insisted.

)I have never been here before. I do not (now where my hotel is. I do not (now

where the bus station is,) he said.

)I will find it, do not worry, Ill be all right,) I responded. 'e slowed down, but

continued driving.

)I would li(e ...)

'e twice failed to finish. I imagined what he would li(e to do: than( me for the

company, send greetings to his old friends, or perhaps he 3ust wanted to relieve the

unpleasant sensation that emerged on the road.

)I would really li(e if you came with me tonight,) he finally said. I was shoc(ed,

excited and confused at the same time. 5ut I thought that maybe he was 3ust trying to buy

time to repair the aw(ward silence of the trip.

)I would really li(e you to be with me,) he repeated.


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Life in the country had not made me an elegant or worldly woman, but it taught me

how to listen to my heart and to trust my instincts. %o my surprise, my instincts told me

that he was being sincere this time. I sighed in relief. !ctually, I did not intend to stay for

any exhibition, but at least my friend seemed to be bac(. 'e was inviting me along on his

adventures, wanting to share his fears and victories with me.

)%han(s for the invitation,) I answered, )but I dont have enough money for a hotel,

and I need to return to continue my studies.)

)I have some money. ou can stay in my room. Well as( for two beds.)

I noticed that he was starting to sweat despite the cold. 2y heart began to send alarm

signals that I could not identify. %he feeling of 3oy moments ago was replaced by

immense confusion. uddenly he stopped the car and loo(ed directly into my eyes. I

(new that he could not lie; he could not hide anything, while loo(ing directly into my

eyes. !nd any woman with at least a bit of sensitivity can read the eyes of a man in love.

I had never thought that after so many years he would still remember. Si#teen years

ago, right here, on one of these trees that grows ne#t to the river where I am today, we

draw a heart with our initials on it. I gave him a yellow flower and told him that I would

marry him when I grew up. Then we buried a tiny bo# containing that promise and a

heart/shaped bracelet divided in two pieces, as a symbol of our love. &e were only seven

years old. I loved him, if a girl can understand the whole meaning of love.5ut that had

happened long ago, in another life, where innocence opens your heart to all the good that

is in life. -ow we were responsible adults. We had put away childish things. I loo(ed into

his eyes. I didnt want to, or wasnt able to, believe what I saw there.


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)I 3ust have this last exhibition, and then I want you to come with me. I am listening to it,) I said, )!nd I feel that we should leave. Im not

en3oying this place.)

)ou shouldnt drin( during the day. It doesnt help at all,) he commented.


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?p to that point, Id controlled myself but now it was time to say what I thought.

)ou thin( you (now everything,) I said, )that you (now all about magic moments,

the inner child@ I dont (now what youre doing here with me.) 'e laughed.

)I admire you. !nd I admire the battle youre waging with your heart.)

)What battle+)

)-ever mind,) he said. 5ut I (new what he was tal(ing about.

)&ont (id yourself,) I said. )We can tal( about it if you want. oure mista(en about

my feelings.) 'e stopped moving his glass and loo(ed at my face.

)-o, Im not. I (now you dont love me.) %hat confused me even more. )5ut I will

fight for your love,) he continued. )%here are some things in life that are worth fighting

for to the end. ou are worth it.)

'is words left me speechless. I turned away, pretending that I was interested in the

restaurants decor. I had been feeling li(e a frog, and suddenly I became a princess again.

I wanted to believe what he was saying. It would not change anything, but at least I

would not feel so wea(, so incapable.

)I apologi/e for my outburst,) I said.

'e smiled, signaled to the waiter, and paid the bill. 6n the way bac( to the car, I

became confused again. 2aybe it was the heat, but it was winter, and the sun was wea(.

!ll this was so new to me; I didnt (now how to handle it. ometimes life ta(es us by

surprise and orders us to move toward the un(nown, even when we dont want to and


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when we thin( we dont need to.

)I admire the battle you are waging with your heart,) he had said at the restaurant.

'ow could he dare say that+ 'e didnt (now me that much. 'e was 3ust trying to confuse

me even more, to ma(e me thin( that he was able to read my mind. 5ut he was wrong,

because I had fought with my heart and defeated it long ago. I was certainly not going to

become passionate about something that was impossible. I (new my limits; I (new how

much suffering I could bear; and I wasnt willing to be disappointed again. es, I (new

my limits, and I (new how to stay in control.

!fter a few minutes of acute silence we began tal(ing about insignificant matters

again: his first visit to 1aris, the beauty of the landscape, the wor(s of 2iguel !ngel... !t

first I thought he was referring to our second grade teacher, but when I finally managed to

stop arguing with my mind and began paying attention to his words I reali/ed that we

were tal(ing about some famous renaissance painter. I tried to show me interested.

We spent the rest of the afternoon wandering through the streets of the town and

trying to find a pace to stay. %here were no hotels in the village, so we tried to find

someone who would rent us a room. We (noc(ed on the door of the first house, but the

woman said she didnt rent rooms. !t the second door, no one answered. !t the third, a

(ind old man greeted us, but when we loo(ed at the room, there was only a double bed. I

turned it down.

)2aybe we should head for a larger city,) I suggested as we left.

)Well find a room,) he said.


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0or the moment, the wind was blowing in his favor. 5ut the wind is as capricious,

and deep inside me, I had begun to feel some gusts. !t last, as if fate wanted to show me

that the universe always conspires to help the dreamer, we found a house to stay in, with

a room and separate beds. It was a pretty nice house situated at the corner of the main

street. When we agreed to stay there he opened the car door and too( out our bags. When

I tried to ta(e mine from his hand, he smiled.

)Let me carry your bag,) he said. -o one had done that for me in a long time. !s

soon as we went into the room my first move was to bathe, wash my clothes, and put on

the shirt I had bought. I felt refreshed, and this made me feel more secure.

%here were only a few restaurants in the /one and according to the couple who

owned the house it was late already to find space in one of them. o we decided to have

dinner with them, since they had politely invited us. We had an animated conversation,

they told us about the village, which had been their home since they we born because

their parents had founded it. %hey also shared their passionate and incredible love story

with us.

!fter we finished our dialogue &anny as(ed for a bottle of wine, promising to

replace it the next day. We put on our coats, borrowed two glasses, and went out to the

bac(yard, where there was a stone pit. 6utside the temperature had dropped significantly

and there was such a dense fog that we could hardly see where we were.

)Lets sit on the edge of the well,) I suggested. !nd there we sat, drin(ing to (eep the

cold and the tension away.

)I (new we were going to find a room, and we did,) he commented. )%he universe


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always helps us fight for our dreams, no matter how foolish they may be. 6ur dreams are

our own, and only we can (now the effort re4uired to (eep them alive.)

In the fog, which hung yellow under the glow of the street lamp, we couldnt see even as

far as the other side of the pla/a. I too( a deep breath. We couldnt avoid the sub3ect any

longer.

)We have to tal( about love,) I said. )ou (now how Ive been these last few days. If

it had been up to me, the sub3ect would never have come up. 5ut ever since you brought

it up, I havent been able to stop thin(ing about it.)

)Its ris(y, falling in love,) he said.

)I (now that,) I answered. )Ive been in love before. Its li(e a narcotic. !t first it

brings the euphoria of complete surrender. %he next day, you want more. oure not

addicted yet, but you li(e the sensation, and you thin( you can still control things. ou

thin( about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. 5ut

then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them.

-ow you thin( about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If hes not

there, you feel li(e an addict who cant get a fix. !nd 3ust as addicts steal and humiliate

themselves to get what they need, youre willing to do anything for love.)

)What a horrible way to put it,) he said. It really was a horrible way to put it; my

analogy didnt go with the romance of the evening, the wine, the well. 5ut it was true. If

he was going to give love a chance, he needed to (now what the ris(s were.


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)o in my opinion we should love only those who can stay near us,) I said.

'e loo(ed out at the fog. -ow he no longer seemed interested in whether we negotiated

the dangerous waters of a conversation about love. I was being tough, but there was no

other way.

ub3ect closed, I thought. 6ur being together for these three days has been enough to

change his mind. 2y heart was wounded, but )the other) was relieved. &o I really want

this+ I as(ed myself. I reali/ed that I was already beginning to sense the storms brought

on by the winds of love. I had already begun to feel the brea( in the dam. We dran( for

some time without bringing up anything serious.

We tal(ed about the couple who owned the house and how nice they had been to us, who

were completely strangers for them.

)oure upset,) he said at one point. es, my mind was wandering. I wished I were

there with someone who could bring peace to my heart someone with whom I could

spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that

reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because

wed (now we had the rest of our lives together. I wouldnt have to worry about serious

matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.

We sat there in silence, and that in itself was a sign. 0or the first time, we had nothing

to say, although I only noticed this when he stood up to go find us another bottle of wine.

%hen I heard the sound of his footsteps returning to the well where wed been sitting for

more than an hour, drin(ing and staring at the fog. %his was the first time wed been silent

for so long. It was not the aw(ward silence of the trip from 5uenos !ires, though. %his


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was a silence that spo(e for itself. ! silence that said we no longer needed to explain

things to each other. %he sound of his footsteps halted. 'e was loo(ing at me, and what

he saw must have been beautiful: a woman seated on the edge of a well, on a foggy night,

in the light of the street lamp. %he ancient houses, the eleventh7century church, and the

silence. %he second bottle of wine was half empty when I decided to spea(.

)%his morning, I convinced myself that I was an alcoholic. Ive been drin(ing from

morning to night. In these past three days, Ive drun( more than in the entire past year.)

'e reached out and stro(ed my hair without saying anything. I absorbed his touch

without trying to pull away.

)%ell me about your life since I last saw you,) I as(ed.

)%here are no great mysteries to tell. 2y path is always there, and I do everything I

can to follow it in a dignified way.)

)What is your path+)

)%he path of someone see(ing love.) 'e hesitated for a moment, fiddling with the

near7empty bottle. )!nd loves path is really complicated,) he concluded, )because on

that path we can go either to heaven or to hell+)

I wasnt sure whether he was referring to us or not but ultimately it was irrelevant.

We spent the rest of the night hugged to each other, shielding ourselves from the

extremely cold temperature, which dropped ten degrees per minute. &espite the free/ing

cold, none of us suggested to go inside. It was a magic moment, for the first time, we

were letting things to happen naturally, without forcing any movement. 2ost of the time,


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we remained silent, allowing our hearts to spea( to each other. I felt that I was facing

something 4uite serious and that I needed to learn everything I could from my

experiences. 0or a few moments, I forgot about my studies, about osario, and about the

goals that I had established in my life.

)Why did you tell me the story of the river+) I as(ed.

)I dont (now why exactly,) he answered, without loo(ing at me directly. 82aybe

because I wanted to show you that my world is not as solitary and mad as it may appear.

)I never said that your world is mad. 2aybe its mine thats cra/y. I mean, here I am,

spending the most crucial time of my life concentrating on textboo(s and courses that

wont help me at all to escape from my own confinement.< I sensed that he was relieved

that I understood him.

)Lets get some sleep. Weve drun( too much for a single day.)

'e went straight to sleep, but I was awa(e for a long time, thin(ing about the fog, the

wine, and our conversation Later, I turned out the light and lay there thin(ing. When we

were 4uiet with each other, I was able to see how close I felt to him. -either of us had

said anything. Love doesnt need to be discussed; it has its own voice and spea(s for

itself. %hat night, by the well, the silence had allowed our hearts to approach each other

and get to (now each other better. 2y heart had listened closely to what his had said, and

now it was content.

I am here in this room, I thought, far from everything familiar to me, tal(ing about

things that have never interested me and sleeping in a city where Ive never set foot


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before. I can pretend, at least for a few minutes that I am different. I began to imagine

how I would li(e to be living right at that moment. I wanted to be happy, curious, 3oyful,

living every moment intensely, drin(ing the water of life thirstily, believing again in my

dreams, able to fight for what I wanted.

es, that was the woman I wanted to be, the woman who was suddenly presenting

herself and becoming me. I observed the woman I had been up until then, the other, wea(

but trying to give the impression of strength. 0earful of everything but telling herself it

wasnt fear. I loo(ed at the other, there in the corner of the room, fragile, exhausted and

disillusioned. *ontrolling and enslaving what should really be free: her emotions. %rying

to 3udge her future loves by the rules of her past suffering.

5ut love is always new. egardless of whether we love once, twice, or a do/en times in

our life, we always face a brand7new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise,

but it always ta(es us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what

nourishes our existence. If we re3ect it, we die of hunger, because we lac( the courage to

stretch out a hand and pluc( the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to ta(e

love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, wee(s of disappointment and

sadness. %he moment we begin to see( love, love begins to see( us, and to save us.

When the otherleft me, my heart once again began to spea( to me. It told me that the

breach in the di(e had allowed the waters to pour through, that the wind was blowing in

all directions at once, and that it was happy because I was once again willing to listen to

what it had to say. 2y heart told me that I was in love. !nd I fell asleep with a smile on

my lips.


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Tuesday, December 28th

When I awo(e the next day, the windows were open and he was ga/ing at the

mountains in the distance. I watched him without saying anything, ready to close my eyes

if he turned toward me. Inexplicably the other had appeared with no warning. Last night I

thought I had defeated and banished her from me forever. Even though I was definitely

winning the battle, it was not over yet. he was still trying to change the direction of the

wind, to detect shortcomings, to say, -o, thats impossible; but it was too late. !s if he

(new, he turned and loo(ed at me.

)Aood morning,) he said.

)Aood morning,) I replied with a sleepy smile. )*ould you please close the window+

Its so cold.) 'e closed it and brought me the brea(fast he had prepared for me. I was

impressed, he didnt stop surprising me. I than(ed him and commented that I needed to

get dressed.

)Ill wait for you downstairs,) he said and left the room.

I got up, banished the other from my thoughts, opened the window again, and let the

sun in. Its light bathed everything, the ground blan(eted in dry leaves, the mountains with

their snow7covered pea(s, and the river, which I could hear but not see. %he sun shone on

me, warming my nude body. I was no longer cold, I was consumed by a heat, the heat of

a spar( becoming a flame, the flame becoming a bonfire, the bonfire becoming an

inferno, I (new. I wanted this. I also (new that from this moment on I was going to


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experience heaven and hell, 3oy and pain, dreams and hopelessness; that I would no

longer be capable of containing the winds that blew from the hidden corners of my soul. I

(new that from this moment on, love would be my guide, and that it had waited to lead

me ever since childhood, when I had first loved &anny. %he truth is, I had never forgotten

love, even when it had proved to be unworthy of fighting for it. 5ut love had been

difficult, and conse4uently I had been reluctant to cross its frontiers.

I (new I needed a love that was possible, but sometimes you can ma(e impossible

things become true if you really believe in it. I reali/ed that I had (nown nothing of love

before. When I saw him at the exhibition and accepted his invitation, Id thought that I, as

a mature woman, would be able to control the heart of the girl who had been waiting him

for so long. %hen he had spo(en about the child in all of us, and Id heard again the voice

of the child I had been. 0or four days, I had tried to ignore my hearts voice, but it had

grown louder and louder, and the other had become almost insignificant. In the furthest

corner of my soul, my true self still existed, and I still believed in my dreams. 5efore the

other could say a word, I had accepted the ride with him. I had accepted the invitation to

travel with him and to ta(e the ris(s involved. !nd because of that, because of that small

part of me that had survived, love had finally found me, after it had loo(ed for me

everywhere. I opened the window and my heart. %he sun flooded the room, and love

inundated my soul.

%wenty minutes later I went downstairs and found him sitting on the sofa waiting

impatiently for me. 'e too( me by the hand and we went out for a wal(. We wandered

for hours, through the snow and along the roads of that mysterious village whose name I

never found out. !t the central pla/a there was a dramatic fountain sculpture displayed a


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serpent and a dove combined into a single fabulous creature. 'e smiled when he saw it.

)Its a sign, masculine and feminine 3oined in a single figure.)

'e was happy and laughed at every silly thing. 'e fell into easy conversation with the

few people we met along the way; wor(ers dressed in their old and gray outfit, on their

way to the fields, adventurers in colorful gear, preparing to climb a mountain. I said little,

but my soul re3oiced at seeing him this way. 'is 3oy made everyone who spo(e with him

smile.1erhaps his heart had spo(en to him, and now he (new that I loved him, even

though I had never admitted and was still behaving li(e 3ust an old friend.

)ou seem happier,) I said at one point.

8es, I am, because Ive always dreamed of being here with you, wal(ing through

these mountains.

)%heres another reason youre happy,) I said, as we left the small pla/a with the

strange statue.

)Whats that+) he as(ed, pretending not to (now.

)ou (now that Im happy too. oure responsible for my being here today, climbing

the mountains of truth, far from my hills of noteboo(s and texts. oure ma(ing me

happy. I wasnt born to

spend my life behind a des(, helping 3udges dispose of their cases.

-o, you cant thin( that way about your life. %here we go again, the other me,

ma(ing me come bac( to reality. he is li(e a very old and frustrated woman, who doesnt

let me ta(e any ris(. !lways so conservative, so predictive, so scared of, I dont (now

what; well, actually of everything, always thin(ing that the worst is going to happen and

that love and happiness are unreachable utopias. he is the one that doesnt let me pursue

my dreams; I call her )the other), because I dont thin( she is the real me, but sometimes I

3ust cant get rid of her. ou are going to have to return to it in a few days. It must be the

wine. !fter all, when all is said and done, if you dont wor(, you dont eat. %his is all a

dream. Its going to end and when you wa(e up the next morning everything is going to

be worse.

5ut how long can I ma(e the dream go on+ What if you don=t have to wa(e up+ %his

one was more li(e the actual me. I was torn between both; my mind wanted to listen to

the first one, 8the other


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I finally relaxed and for the first time stopped thin(ing about the next day. We let the

conversation flow and by the time we noticed, the time of the exhibition had passed.

When I reali/ed that, I felt guilty, it was my fault that he was late.

)&ont worry about it,) he said. )It wasnt really that important for me to be there,

after all people come to see the paintings, not the painter.)

'e made me laugh. It was good to be there, tal(ing about serious things but always

with a touch of humor. I felt li(e I was really participating in his world. 0or at least this

one night, I was no longer 3ust seeing the real world through television or the newspapers.

When I returned to osario, Id have stories to tell. If I accepted his invitation for the

mountains, Id have whole years of memories to live on.

)'ave some more wine,) he said, filling my glass. I dran( it down.

)Im counting on our trip to the mountains,) he said as he filled my empty glass again.

%he wine had freed my tongue.

)5ut only if you understand one thing,) I said.

)Whats that+)

)Its about what you said before.)

)What, the bracelet+)

)-o,) I said, loo(ing into his eyes and doing everything I could to appear sober.

)What you said.)

)Well tal( about it later,) he said 4uic(ly, trying to change the sub3ect. 'e had said


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that he loved me. We hadnt tal(ed about it so far, but I (new I could convince him that it

wasnt true.

)If you want me to ta(e the trip with you, you have to tell me,) I said.

)I dont want to tal( about it here. Were having a good time, let=s 3ust en3oy the

music and forget about everything else.)

)ou are mista(ing your feelings. ou left osario when we were very young,) I

went on. )Im only a lin( to your past. Ive reminded you of your roots, and thats what

ma(es you thin( as you do. 5ut thats all it is. %here cant be any love involved. If ever

there was love between us, its gone, it was long ago and its too late already. We have to

accept the reality as it is.

'e listened but didnt answer. I really didn=t believe in my own words, it was 8the

other< that was tal(ing for me. %hen the waiter came with the bill and our conversation

was interrupted. !t least Ive explained how I feel, I thought. %he love he was tal(ing

about only exists in fairy tales. In real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not

returned right away, love can only survive when there is at least some hope that you will

be with the person you desire. !nything else is fantasy. 0rom the other side of the table,

as if he had guessed what I was thin(ing, he raised his glass in a toast.

)%o love,) he said. I could tell that he was a little drun( too. o I decided to ta(e

advantage of the opening:

)%o those wise enough to understand that sometimes love is nothing more than the

foolishness of childhood,) I said.


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)%he wise are wise only because they love. !nd the foolish are foolish only because

they thin( they can understand love,) he answered. %hat was a good remar(.

8I thin( we should go,) he said, )Its getting late.)

It wasnt until he said so, that I reali/ed we were the only two people left in the cafe

and the owner was constantly loo(ing at us, evidently desperate to close.

It was raining outside. I was still feeling the effects of the wine. I had never drun( so

much, so I was struggling to thin( clearly. I had to stay in control of the situation if I

wanted to ma(e the trip with him. I wish I didnt have to control my heart. If I could

surrender, even if only for a wee(end, this rain falling on my face would feel different, I

thought. If love were easy, I would be embracing him now, if my real life in osario

werent waiting for me after the holidays, Id want to stay drun( and be free to (iss him,

caress him, say the things and hear the things that lovers say and do to each other. 5ut no>

I cant.

'e still didnt (now if I was going to say yes to his invitation. Why would I want to

ta(e that ris(+ 5ecause I was drun(, because I was tired of days that were all the same.

5ut that weariness would pass. I would have to get bac( to osario, where I had chosen

to live. 2y studies were waiting for me. !n easier life waited for me too, the real one,

with children and grandchildren, with a clear budget and a yearly vacation. I was sure I

couldn=t fall in love with someone li(e him. I (new him too well, all his wea(nesses and

fears.

5ut love is much li(e a dam: if you allow a tiny crac( to form through which only a

tric(le of water can pass, that tric(le will 4uic(ly bring down the whole structure, and


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soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. 0or when those walls come

down, then love ta(es over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it

doesnt even matter whether we can (eep the loved one at our side. %o love is to lose

control. -o, no, I could not allow such a crac( to form. -o matter how small.

We got to the hotel and went to sleep without much tal(ing; separate beds, as agreed.

It had been a very long day.

Wednesday, December 29th

!s soon as I wo(e up the next morning I noticed that he had pac(ed everything and

was sitting, waiting for me to leave. I felt a little embarrassed for ma(ing him wait for

me. It had always been li(e that, I was a sleepyhead girl and he an early riser boy. When

we were (ids, he always had to wait for me every morning before going to the school and

more than once he was late because of me. 5ut he had never left me behind because of

that, he had always been a gentleman. !nd now that I made him wait every morning he

never dared try to interrupt my sleep. I really appreciated that.

)Aood morning leeping 5eauty. eady to continue our 3ourney+) he said.

)I was born ready,) I replied with a sleepy smile.

I immediately got out of the bed, (issed him on the chee( and too( the delicious


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brea(fast he had prepared for me as every morning. Warm chocolate mil(, buttered toasts

and some fresh strawberries, he had not forgotten my tastes.

)o what is our next destination, 2r. 2ysteries+) I as(ed a little sarcastically.

%he clouds,) he answered. )We will go in the direction of the wind.)

I was glad we were leaving. I wanted to be alone with him, far from this place,

holding his hand and telling him how I felt. We needed to tal( more about our plans,

about love. I wanted to reassure him, to ma(e clear how strong my feelings were, and to

let him (now that his dream could come true, because I would be at his side, helping him.

0or years, I had fought against my heart, because I was afraid of sadness, suffering,

and abandonment. 5ut now I (new that true love was above all that and that it would be

better to die than to fail to love. I had thought that only others had the courage to love.

5ut now I discovered that I too was capable of loving. Even if loving meant leaving, or

solitude, or sorrow, love was worth every penny of its price.

We went into the forest and got to where, many years ago, we had sworn eternal love

to each other. ?pon arrival, I began to feel a little nervous; I could feel that he felt the

same. It was everything, the river, the trees, the smell, the soft and cool winter bree/e.

Everything brought so many things to my head, so many memories and mixed feelings:

the delightful and unforgettable images of those wonderful years of happiness and 3oy,

eclipsed by eleven years of loneliness and yearning.

We sat by the edge of the river, recalling various passages of our childhood. I was eager

to hear about his new friend, his new goals and his experiences at the art academy in


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-apoli.

'e had received a very good education. When he left !rgentina, his parents did not

have much money, but with the passing of the time, they started a real estate business and

improved significantly their financial status. 2y family did not suffer the same fate; we

have always been part of the lower class. 5ut despite having more money, living in

Europe and having been more than a decade away from his homeland, he had not lost his

humility and simplicity. 'e still was the same charming guy, as beautiful on the inside as

on the outside. %hats why I had always been in love with him, since I was a tiny child.

'e tal(ed me about his adventures and crossings, visiting so many countries and

getting to (now new people and new cultures. &eep inside me I had always wanted to do

that, and I had been very close to do it when he proposed me to leave with him on that

night, but I lac(ed to courage to leave everything behind and listen to my heart. %o my

surprise, live was presenting me now with a new opportunity, a second chance that I did

not deserve.

I love you,) he suddenly said. I have always loved you, and I (now that you feel

the same for me. I would be blessed if you accepted to come to Italy with me.)

'e caught me by surprise. I was not ready to respond such a drastic proposal, 3ust li(e I

had not been prepared eleven years ago.

5ut I already (new what it was to miss uni4ue opportunities. I had let him go once,

and suffered a lot for that bad decision. -ow life was suddenly extending its hand to me,

begging me not to disappoint myself again. I wanted to go, I wanted to leave everything

behind and escape with him. In fact there was nothing relevant holding me bac( here,


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nothing more than my stupid and inexplicable fears, )the other), that was ta(ing control

of me again and generating internal conflicts in my soul.

I cant go,) she said in my behalf. I could not believe I had said that. It was not really

me, but I couldnt let her spea( for me, I had to dominate my mind, recover the command

of the situation.

I mean, I really want to be with you, thats what I wish more than anything else in

this world. 5ut, there is something inside me the is retaining me from being who I really

want to be,) I said, afraid that he would not comprehend and would surrender.

8I understand what you are going through,< he said, )&o you (now the exercise of the

other+ Its part of a story written a hundred years ago, whose author@)

)0orget the author, and tell me the story,) I interrupted. 'e began to relate the story:

2 man runs into an old friend who had somehow never been able to make it in life. %I

should give him some money,% he thinks. ut instead he learns that his old friend has

grown rich and is actually seeking him out to repay the debts he had run up over the

years. They go to a bar they used to fre6uent together, and the friend buys drinks for

everyone there. &hen they ask him how he became so successful, he answers that until

only a few days ago, he had been living the role of the %other.%

%&hat is the other% they ask.

%The other is the one who taught me what I should be like, but not what I am. The

other believes that it is our obligation to spend our entire life thinking about how to get

our hands on as much money as possible so that we will not die of hunger when we are


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old. So we think so much about money and our plans for ac6uiring it that we discover we

are alive only when our days on earth are practically done. 2nd then it-s too late.%

%2nd you &ho are you%

%I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart a person who is enchanted by

the mystery of life. &ho is open to miracles, who e#periences joy and enthusiasm for

what they do. It-s just that the other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking

action.%

%ut there is suffering in life,% one of the listeners said.

%2nd there are defeats. *o one can avoid them. ut it-s better to lose some of the

battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing

what you-re fighting for.%

%That-s it% another listener asked.

%1es, that-s it. &hen I learned this, I resolved to become the person I had always

wanted to be. The other stood there in the corner of my room, watching me, but I will

never let the other into myself again even though it has already tried to frighten me,

warning me that it-s risky not to think about the future.

%5rom the moment that I ousted the other from my life, the 4ivine 7nergy began to

perform its miracles.%

It was astonishing how he could (now me so well. In that story he had portrayed the

inner me, )the other), which I already (new that existed but did not (now exactly what it

was, or was reluctant to accept it. 'e never stopped surprising me; it was li(e if he had


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some (ind of special power to read my thoughts. It=s weird because sometimes I also felt

li(e I could presage what he was thin(ing, maybe that telepathy is normal when people

are in love. In spite of the fact that my friend had long ago expelled 8the other< from his

life, he still wasnt having much luc( finding us lodging for the night. 5ut I (new he

hadnt told me that story for his own sa(e, he had told it for mine. 'e seemed to be

tal(ing about my fears, my insecurity, and my unwillingness to see what was wonderful

because tomorrow it might disappear and then I would suffer.

%he gods throw the dice, and they dont as( whether we want to be in the game or

not. %hey dont care if when you go, you leave behind a lover, a home, a career, or a

dream. %he gods dont care whether you have it all, whether it seems that your every

desire can be met through hard wor( and persistence. %he gods dont want to (now about

your plans and your hopes. omewhere theyre throwing the dice, and you are chosen.

0rom then on, winning or losing is only a 4uestion of luc(. %he gods throw the dice,

freeing love from its cage. !nd love can create or destroy, depending on the direction of

the wind when it is set free. %hat moment I decided that I had to banish the other forever

from my soul and be who I really wanted to be.

)Im going with you,) I finally said, ou have helped me rediscover myself and

brea( the chains that were tying me up. ou are the man I have always loved and I want

to spend the rest of my life on your side.)

%he sun was beginning to set so we resumed our drive to the next village. %his time

it was easier to find a room, and we rented one with separate beds.

)Ive only got one sweater left,) he said when we reached the room. )ou can have it.


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Ill buy another for myself tomorrow.)

)Well put our wet things on the heater. %heyll be dry by tomorrow. !nyway, Ive got

the blouse that I washed yesterday.) -either of us said anything for a few minutes.

0inally, he too( another shirt out of his bag. )ou can sleep in this,) he said.

)Areat,) I answered. I turned out the light. In the dar(, I too( off my wet clothes,

spread them over the heater, and turned it to high.

5y the light from the lamppost outside the window, he must have been able to ma(e out

my silhouette and (nown that I was na(ed. I slipped the shirt on and crawled under the

covers.

)I love you,) I heard him say.

)&o you thin( the right moment will come+) he as(ed, lighting a cigarette.

I (new what he meant. I got up and sat on the edge of his bed.

%he light from his cigarette illuminated our faces. 'e too( my hand and we sat there for

some time. I ran my fingers through his hair.

)ou shouldnt have as(ed,) I said. )Love doesnt as( many 4uestions, because if we

stop to thin( we become fearful. Its an inexplicable fear; its difficult even to describe it.

2aybe its the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of brea(ing the spell. Its

ridiculous, but thats the way it is. %hats why you dont as(, you act. !s youve said many

times, you have to ta(e ris(s.)

)I (now. Ive never as(ed before.)


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)ou already have my heart,) I told him. )%omorrow you may go away, but we will

always remember the miracle of these few days.< I had surprised myself. 5ut sometimes

if you thin( you (now something, you do wind up understanding it. )I hope you wont

thin( Im being difficult,) I said. )I have been with many men. Ive made love to some

Ive barely (nown.)

)ame here,) he said. 'e was trying to sound natural, but from his touch, I could tell

that he hadnt wanted to hear this from me.

)5ut since this morning, I feel as if Im rediscovering love. &ont try to understand it,

because only a woman would (now what I mean. !nd it ta(es time.) he said, instinctively.

)5rea( the glass,) I insisted.

reak the glass, I thought to myself, because it-s a symbolic gesture. Try to

understand that I have broken things within myself that were much more important than a

glass, and I-m happy I did. 3esolve your own internal battle, and break the glass. reak

the glass, please, and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an

e#planation for everything, from doing only what others approve of.

)5rea( the glass,) I said again.

'e stared at me. %hen, slowly, he slid his hand along the tablecloth to the glass. !nd

with a sudden movement, he pushed it to the floor. %he sound of the brea(ing glass

caught the waiters attention. ather than apologi/e for having bro(en the glass, he

loo(ed at me, smiling, and I smiled bac(.

)&oesnt matter,) shouted the waiter.

5ut he wasnt listening. 'e had stood, sei/ed my hair in his hands, and was (issing

me. I clutched at his hair, too, and s4uee/ed him with all my strength, biting his lips and

feeling his tongue move in my mouth. %his was the (iss I had waited for so long, a (iss

born by the rivers of our childhood, when we didnt yet (now what love meant; a (iss that

had been suspended in the air as we grew, that had traveled the world in the souvenir of a

bracelet, and that had remained hidden behind piles of boo(s; a (iss that had been lost so

many times and now was found. In the moment of that (iss were years of searching,

disillusionment, and impossible dreams.


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I (issed him hard. %he few people there in the bar must have been thin(ing that all

they were seeing was 3ust a (iss. %hey didnt (now that this (iss stood for my whole life

and his life, as well. %he life of anyone who has waited, dreamed, and searched for their

true path. %he moment of that (iss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.

We got up and went straight to the bedroom. 'e too( off my clothes and entered me

with strength, with fear, and with great desire. I ran my hands over his face, heard his

moans, and than(ed Aod that he was there inside me, ma(ing me feel as if it were the

first time. We made love all night long, our lovema(ing blended with our sleeping and

dreaming. I felt him inside me and embraced him to ma(e sure that this was really

happening, to ma(e sure that he wouldnt disappear. 5ut I would never go through that, I

promised myself. I would never lose him.


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Friday, December 3th

When I wo(e up the next morning he was not on my side. I felt a strange hunch

and began shivering. %hat night I had had a horrible nightmare. In my nightmare, there

was a thief trying to (idnap a woman and hitting her. When &anny saw that, he

immediately got out of the car and run toward the man, trying to defend the woman.

%hey struggled fiercely, the woman had time to run away, but &anny did not have the

same fate. Dust a few seconds before a police car appeared, the thief too( out a gun, shot

&anny twice in his chest, and pulled his body into the river. %hen he ran away. I had

witnessed the whole scene. 'orrified I got out of the car and ran desperately toward him.

When I got to the river, it was already late, his body had sun(.

I wo(e up startled, stunned and scared. I ran uncontrollably towards the river and I

fell on my (nees at seeing his dead body. I had lost everything again. 2y heart warned

me but I did not want to hear. I (new it was dangerous to fall in love, but I had decided to

ta(e the ris(s and accept the conse4uences.

5ut I was not willing to live separated from him anymore. o I decided that if life

had decided that it was his time to leave, it was mine too. I would 3oin my beloved, if

destiny had not allow us to be together in this life, then it did not ma(e any sense to live.

%hats why I wrote this boo(, to leave a testimony of our tumultuous story, mar(ed

by passion, dreams and the most powerful force in the universe, love. I will bury this

boo( on the ban(s of this river. omeday, a big tree will grow here and its roots will be

nourished by the passion that will emerge from the pages of this boo(. I (now that


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someday a couple of lovers will embed their love on that tree, as we once did when we

were (ids.

2y hands are free/ing, my legs numb from the icy wind. %he winter cold ma(es me

feel the tears running down my face to mingle with the icy waters that pass in front of

me. omewhere, that river 3oins another, then another, until, far from my eyes and my

heart, all those waters merge with the sea. I wished my tears could run so far away, that

they could carry all my suffering and dump it into the sea, so they pain would be gone

forever and I could (eep fighting. 5ut the cruel reality is that they can=t, nothing can ta(e

this pain away from we, because it is way too deep inside my soul, where nothing else

than love can reach; and love is exactly what has caused this crisis.

%hat is why I decided to surrender. I have no more dreams to chase, no more goals to

achieve, no more strength to continue on. 'e brought it all bac( to me, and then, without

a warning, he left and too( everything away with him.

I remember the magic moments we spent together, those moments in which a )yes)

or a )no) can change our whole existence. It seems li(e it happened long ago and yet, it

was 3ust a wee( ago. We only spent seven days together, that was all Aod gave me, more

than enough to recover the faith and hope that I had lost when I was a child, and to plan

the next seven decades of my life. ?nfortunately 3ust a few seconds of those seven days

were also enough to lose everything again.

)%ry to live. Leave the memories for old,) he said 3ust yesterday.

-ow I reali/e that he was right, but it=s too late already. 1erhaps memories ma(e us

grow old, and ma(e us younger when youth passes. 5ut how can I let those memories to


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be swept forever by the waters of this river+ I cant. %hat is why I wrote this, to leave a

testimony of this perplexing love story. I hope that someday there will be somebody who

reads this and finds some helpful advice in the art of deciphering the most indecipherable

mystery of all: love.

final novel

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