feelings - emk press · adoption parenting 3 teaching our children to understand their emotions and...

FeelingsConnecting With Our Children: SharingFeelings to Grow Strong Sons and Daughters

Dealing with Young Children, Adoption andAnger

~In My Words~ The Perfect Child – When Fear and AnxietyDrive Goodness

Authentic Beginnings, Real Bonds:Honest Talk About Adoption

“Why Do You Ask?” Questions from TotalStrangers and Strategies to Handle Them

Using Rituals

Releasing Feelings Through Body WorkPediatric Tui Na-Chinese Massage for OurChildren

~It Worked for Me~ Cranio-Sacral WorkEmotional tension, stomach-aches and headaches

feelings 12/7/05 1:51 PM

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Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections Sharing Feelings to Grow Strong Sons and Daughters

“Adoptive parents and birth parents can play an important part indeveloping the resiliency in their children. The way kids learn to copewith adversity is by observing how their parents handle difficulty…

parents need to talk about their life experiences with adopted childrento let them know that there are difficult times in life even for adults.We can share with adopted children how we felt during those times,

what we thought at those times and what we did to cope. Adopted children must learn the important developmental skills of

connecting their feelings with their thoughts and actions.”~ Dee A. Paddock, MA, MTS, NCC

Love, anger, loss and grief. Most of us would prefer to not haveto deal with adoption fall-out. It is emotional, messy, complicatedstuff that most of us were not raised to handle. But somewherebetween the ages of four and ten, our adopted children begin torealize that in gaining an adoptive family, they have suffered somevery significant losses. Suddenly, they need help interpreting boththeir positive and negative emotions and they need acceptance forwhat they’re feeling on all levels. They look to us for help, and if wecan’t, or if we come up short, they proceed on a long, lonely jour-ney, all by themselves.

Adoption fall-out is an opportunity that parents should grab withboth hands! It is a chance for you to stretch yourself as a mom ordad, and a chance to keep your child fully in your life. Typically,fall-out first begins in the car, on the schoolyard or at bedtime. Itmay start with a single question. It can enter your life with a child’samazing and bewildering breakdown, or creep in silently with achild’s sullen look and angry silence. It is often attributed to "ages& stages", and it may go underground…but it doesn’t go away.

Once we parents realize what we’re dealing with, how do weever equip ourselves with the tools to help? How do we teach ourinternationally adopted children to cope with the sources of adop-tion fall-out, and how do we give them what they need to grow?How do we help our children, mostly pre-verbal when adopted,express the feelings of anger, sadness or confusion over the lifechoices that were made for them—emotions that they carry butcan’t explain?


Adoption Parenting 3

Teaching our children to understand their emotions and allowingthem to express their feelings about the beginning of their lives is apowerful first step toward fall-out containment. Many of our inter-nationally adopted children come to us with very little history, anda very big need to know the "facts" of how and why they beganwith one set of parents and ended up with another. They crave astructure of knowledge that will help them navigate the enormouslycomplex feelings that accompany abandonment. They need hands-on context to aid them in keeping their self-esteem while dealingwith feelings of unworthiness, and the ultimate core question: whydidn’t my birthparents keep me?

The Seven Core Issues in Adoption The seven core issues can provide parents with the insight andinformation needed to create a toolbox that will enable themunderstand the feelings of an adopted child. Deborah N. Silverstein,LCSW, and Sharon Kaplan Roszia, MS, have identified universaladoption issues that trigger emotions that are experienced, to somedegree, by every single adoptee:

1) Loss2) Rejection 3) Guilt and Shame4) Grief5) Mastery/Control 6) Identity7) Intimacy

These seven issues are the basis for an adoptee’s thoughts, feelingsand reactions. They are a parent’s key to understanding a child’sperceptions of herself and her view of her biological and adoptivefamilies. The seven issues are inter-related and overlap, and theydecisively affect most every aspect of an adopted child’s life.

Rather than being viewed as a pile of negative emotional bag-gage, the seven core issues can be utilized by an adoptive parent toguide a child to self-awareness, strength and resiliency. Some of theseven issues have a panacea-- "prescriptions" that a parent can applyto help a child grow and heal, while others simply demand accept-ance. One of the hardest things for any parent is to see a child inpain and not be able to make the pain go away, or fix what iswrong. Especially in adoption, a parent’s role must sometimes bethe "facilitator", instead of the "fixer" that we’d really like it to be.The facilitator role is an important one, however, and it is essentialto an adopted child and her family circle.

Feelings Books forYoung Children

Baby Facesby Ben Argueta,

Today I Feel SillyBy Jamie Lee Curtis

When Sophie GetsAngry…Really, ReallyAngry By Molly Bang

A Boy and a Bear: TheChildren's RelaxationBook By Lori Lite

Feelings By Aliki

Wemberly Worried By Kevin Henkes

Sheila Rae the BraveBy Kevin Henkes

Kissing HandBy Audrey Penn

Sometimes I’mBombalooBy Rachel Vail

Alexander and theTerrible, Horrible, NoGood, Very Bad Day By Judith Viorst

The Feelings BookBy Todd Parr

Words Are Not forHurting By Elizabeth Verdick

The Way I Feel Books(series, ages 2-5):Scared / Angry /Jealous / SadBy Cornelia MaudeSpelman


Psychologist Doris Landry has created a set of prescriptions;tools for parents to use to help them steer their children throughthe seven issues, and to alleviate some of the alienation and confu-sion categorized by Silverstein and Kaplan Roszia. A prescriptioncan be applied to a core issue by a parent with one or more of thefollowing tools:

• Education • Understanding • Ongoing Awareness • Acceptance.A parent’s job entails guidance and support; it requires a mom

or dad to allow and encourage a child to feel every emotion deeply,while using the education, understanding, awareness, and accept-ance tools that give a child permission to move forward. For anadoptee stuck in a core issue, the world is a scary, insecure place.Mom or Dad might not be able to fix the world, or a child’s losses,but according to therapist Dee Paddock, parents have an importantrole. A parent…"…can model doggedness, mastery, moral courage,love and hope. Our adopted children can grow into adults who areoptimists, who believe it is possible to transcend sorrow and fear, andthat things do change."

1) LossThrough abandonment and adoption, our internationally adoptedchildren lost their birthparents and biological siblings, and theirextended family of aunts, uncles and grandparents. Our childrenlost their birth country, birth culture, racial identity and language.Some of our daughters and sons lost orphanage caretakers that theycared about, others lost foster families that they had loved and livedwith since birth.

Children who have lost their birthparents, foster parents or pri-mary orphanage caretakers have had the rug whipped out fromunderneath them one too many times. They come to expect fearand loss as a normal consequence of loving and living; they know itcan happen at any time and without warning, because it’s happenedto them before. Internationally adopted children can suffer fromintense separation anxiety, and have difficulty with transitions andseparations of even the innocuous kind. Camp, sleepovers, moving,or attending a new school are small hiccups that can re-awakenconscious, or unconscious loss issues. A parent’s death, divorce, orhospitalization, are severe trials that need to be recognized as majorearthquakes for a child with a previous loss trauma.

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Today I Feel....

My older daughterreally likes Today I FeelSilly: And Other MoodsThat Make My Day byJamie Lee Curtis. Lastnight when she washaving a total melt-down because an eagerly anticipated playdate for today fellthrough (in addition toother complicating fac-tors), I suggested thatshe try to draw whatshe was feeling. Shesaid, or rather screamedat the top of her lungs,"HOW CAN I DRAWMAD AND SAD ATTHE SAMETIME?!?!?!?"

So I suggested welook at this bookbecause in the back is aclever little gizmo withwhich you can spin twodials to get the littlegirl's eyes and mouthto change expression.Sure enough, we foundwe could make a facewith sad eyes and madmouth or mad eyes and sad mouth. Itseemed to give hersome satisfaction to be able to do this.

~ Rhiann Wynn-Nolet


There is no prescription to “cure” loss, and there is no closure. A parent’s understanding of achild’s loss won’t make the loss go away, but it will forge an empathic parent-child liaison basedon honesty and trust.

Birthmother loss is especially poignant for an adoptee. [See LOSS and TRANSITION chapter]A birthmother’s rejection cuts deeply, sharply and permanently. If a child was adopted as aninfant, the birthmother is the person the child “remembers” on an unconscious, primal level, andis symbolic of the “loss soup” that contains the overwhelming longing an adoptee may feel forher previous life. As a parent you can give your child permission to love two mothers, one whogave her life and one who will take care of her, make good choicesfor her and love her forever. You can also give your child permissionto feel anger at the choices a birthparent made for her.Abandonment may have been the birthmom’s only choice, but evenif a child understands this intellectually, it still hurts and the hurtneeds to be expressed. Your child may even need permission toexpress feeling angry with you – for not being there when she was ababy and needed you, or for “stealing” her away from her birth-mother and country. Some children get temporarily caught in birth-mother loss and need concrete ways of processing:1) Include the birthmother in normal conversation with your child. 2) Celebrate adoption day, your child’s birthday or Mother’s Day

with a birthmother honoring ceremony the day before(“Mother’s Day Eve”). Help your child make the day of her own symbolic design, using letter writing, picture drawing, cake-baking, candle-lighting or moon-wishes.

Reinforcing a place for two “real” moms within one family is a unifying gesture, and one thataffirms the reality of a child’s love and loss, past and present. Focusing on adoption loss does notequate with fixating on unhappiness.

Acknowledging loss is an important first step in moving forward for our children, and we haveto stop ourselves from trying to amend their reality by painting an entirely rosy picture of theirearly lives—a rosy picture that may not entirely jibe with what they are feeling inside. Our chil-dren don’t need us to make life pretty; to grow, they need to be taught to examine their feelingsand be able to decide if loss is unfairly over-influencing an emotional reaction. Adoption loss can’tbe eradicated, but a child can learn to recognize it, own it, channel it and control it.

2) RejectionA child’s feelings of rejection are directly related to abandonment. Children without a way toexpress their confusion, fear, sadness and anger over their perceived rejection by their birthmoth-er, may act out with inappropriate tantrums or behaviors (or act in, with depression, boredom andwithdrawal). A child may be extra controlling, or exhibit intense anxiety about loss or separation.Adopted children may feel shame ("I must be bad / unlovable for my birthmother to have givenme away") and live with poor self-esteem. Adoption is a lifelong process; understanding the ongo-ing need for communication and beginning with Feelings 101 may feel simplistic, but it is part of


Focusing

on adoption

loss does not

equate with

fixating on

unhappiness.


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the prescription: Does your child have words to identify

and regularly express the four basic emotionsthat people are born pre-wired for?

Angry Sad Scared HappySome children really have no idea why

they are feeling the way they do inside-- noone has helped them make the connectionbetween their lives/losses in their birthcountry and their current feelings. They donot understand what is triggering their reac-tions, and over-reactions. They honestly donot know why they are feeling angry, whythey are taking it out on their mom or dad,and why they carry so much inexpressibleemotion. Once they "get it" their relief isoften immense, and they can begin to workon coping mechanisms.

Does your child have your permission andencouragement to express her feelings? "Iwish I still had my birthmother" is hard for achild to say if she believes her mom wouldbe sad or angry in hearing the truth aboutwhat she thinks or how she feels. If the momtakes it personally, it is far too risky for a kidto be honest ("my mom will leave me if I tellher this"). Our children's #1 fear is of aban-donment, and they will suffer in silence ifthat's what it takes to avoid causing theunthinkable to happen again.

3) Guilt and ShameGuilt and shame are by-products of rejec-tion. They are a child’s paralyzing, toxicreaction to the belief that something must beintrinsically wrong with them, or that theymust have done something really bad, tohave caused their own abandonment. Shameis secret and silent. Adults understand thatbirthparents have grown-up reasons to relin-quish a child, but children view the act per-sonally as a reflection of themselves, and are

Teaching Feelings

I spend a lot of time teaching mydaughters appropriate emotions.When reading books or watchingmovies, I ask questions about how the character might feel. "Why do youthink they are crying? How do youthink they feel?" I share my feelingswith them both and explain why I feelthe way I do. We talk about how welook (facial expressions, body posi-tions) when we feel certain emotions.

I often ask them to identify theirown emotions and tell why they feelas they do. "Share your feelings" is aphrase heard often in our home. Wejust focus a lot of attention on howwe feel and on how others feel;on how what we say and do makeothers feel. If they deny an emotionor express an inappropriate emotion, Isay something like, "I don't reallythink you are feeling that way. I thinkyou are feeling angry, but you areafraid to tell me. What do you think?"or "If I were you I would feel angryright now. I would look angry and Iwould probably want to say......"

Over time (much time) they arebecoming more able to recognize andexpress a variety of emotions withoutfear. With this, their empathy for others is growing also.

~ Virginia Farr, adoptive mom



The Trauma of Feeling and Relationships

Many say that the "act of adoption"or the neglect/abuse that was sus-tained is what is traumatizing to ababy or child. This seems reasonablebecause we have come to understand"trauma" as an event. However, if wedo this, we render ourselves helplessin repairing the trauma. But, if wesee the trauma as a "trauma of rela-tionship" (lack of relationship/ neg-lectful or abusive relationship / loss ofrelationship) we are left with hope....the hope that we can then repair thepain and suffering by repairing therelationship.

When we ask a baby or child toenter into a new (adoptive) relation-ship, even saying "if you do this withme you will reap the rewards ofstrong love and devotion" and theyresist, it is then understandable,because you are asking them to enterinto something that creates fear! Ifseen in this way we know what it isthat we have to do—what we CANdo. We can repair trauma throughbuilding a secure, healthy parent-childrelationship.

~ Doris Landry, M.S

deeply ashamed of not being "good enough"for a mother to keep. The prescription forshame is to blast it out in the open and helpchildren understand that their “rejection”and abandonment was not about them.Doris Landry’s treatment for shame: "Detect it, Expose it, Dump it!”Shame and guilt can only exist in dark,untouched secret places. Bringing the rea-sons for a child’s self-incriminating feelingsout into the light and exposing secrets to thetruth will begin to eliminate shame, rejectionand guilt’s internalized triple grip.

4) GriefA pro-active parent can help their childexplore the past, live fully in the present anddevelop the resilience necessary for thefuture. Therapeutic parenting is a term thatdescribes the extra level of pro-active parent-ing that is required to help a child discoverand recover from their childhood trauma.Children exhibit expressions of grief accord-ing to their experience and their tempera-ment, and they may present grief in very dif-ferent ways. Some children display sadness byfighting, some are unable to play, and somechildren demonstrate little expression and noexcitement about life in general. Others areexcessively nervous or shy, and worry morethan is normal.

A therapeutic parent uses all four tools(understanding, awareness, education,acceptance) to help a child with a prescrip-tion for grief. A parent can gain valuableinsight into a child’s feelings by introducingsensitive or painful topics, by really listening,and by being watchfully aware of a child’sactivities. The content of a child’s imagina-tive play is a window into what they are feel-ing, and by observing without interfering, aparent may be able to decipher if a child is


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trapped in the grieving process. Withoutskills to become "un-stuck", a child willrepetitively play out his or her issues. A use-ful twist on ‘misery loves company’: a thera-peutic parent using the four tools can relievea child’s burden by sharing play and conver-sation, and by examining and validating thechild’s emotions. Part of the miracle of ther-apeutic practice is that simply talking aboutan inner issue like grief can take the issueoutward, re-shape it, and change a child’sperceptions about it.

5) Mastery/Control"The adoptee often feels as though he/she hashad no control over the events of his/her life.Decisions surrounding relinquishment, choiceof adoptive family, and information to beshared with them were all made by other peo-ple. The adoptee feels helpless and frustratedthat life seems to be a series of uncontrollableevents. As a result, the adoptee’s need to be incontrol of "something" often becomes a prob-lem." (Judy Bemig and Betsy Keefer)

Paradoxically, post-institutional (PI)adoptees suffer from a lack of control overthe early-life decisions made for them, andalso suffer from taking too much of theunnatural kind of control, at too young of anage. Ideally, a child learns autonomy in steps,and learns control over their world under thewatchful eye of their mother. A healthy bioinfant/toddler trusts that their world is a safeplace to investigate and master (control). Anabandoned PI child skips over the trust, todesperately trying to control their environ-ment in order to survive. A child who is hav-ing difficulty dealing with the seven coreissues is unable to let herself believe that"father / mother knows best" and willengage in continual power struggles with herparents, and anyone else in authority. These

Our Children’s Questions and Feelings

Our children may feel, our children may ask:

How did I survive (and others maybe not?)

Why was I left, was it me, am I so BAD thatI was left? And if I am bad, how can I relateto this feeling of GOOD my adoptive par-

ents keep selling me?

Why was I adopted and not others? Whathappened when I left?

What happened to my birthfamily when Iwas gone? Was I missed? COULD they havetried harder to make it work so that I stay

with them (even though I love my adoptedfamily SO much)?

Why do I FEEL /NOT FEEL so many things?

Why am I angry, why do I feel sad, when Idon’t know why?

Why can’t I simply ask for a cuddle andenjoy it? And when, if I get a cuddle, why do

I still want to cry?

WHY and WHAT is the hole I feel?

Even when I am happiest, I still feel there isa bit missing?

IS THIS ALL OK?

Questions are all about making sense of howthings are. The very best outcome is that our

children trust us enough ask.

~ By Sheena Macrae



children must control friends, play-dates, conversations and parental attention. Some children willfeel pushed to hoard food, tell lies, or even steal, in order to demonstrate complete control overtheir own world. A child lives through an orphanage experience by taking care of herself; to latertrust an adult to take care of her feels dangerously life-threatening.

Part of the control problem is solved when the parent and the child recognize what the under-lying problem really is (an adoption issue), and what is fueling it (a child’s base fear for survival).Working on changing control patterns takes dedicated, non-punitive action and lots of loving, butfirm limit-setting. Part of the control problem is solved when the parent and the child recognizewhat the underlying problem really is (an adoption issue), and what is fueling it (a child’s base fearfor survival). Working on changing control patterns takes dedicated, non-punitive action and lotsof loving, but firm limit-setting. A parent needs to withdraw the unnatural control and decision-making from the adopted child and work at building a basis of trust and love. The adoptee has tolearn to allow the adoptive parent to make good choices and decisions for her, while the parentscontinually demonstrate trustworthiness. Giving the child the gift of healthy, inner self-control isbased in a prescription for attachment-parenting plus parent control, enforced with kindness andaffection. When an adoptee feels safe and in control of her inner self, some of the need to controlthe outward universe disappears. Although frustrating, the hard work a parent does with an adopt-ed child on her post-institutional behaviors should be an affirming experience for both; shame isdebilitating for a child and anger is self-defeating for the parent. [See DISCIPLINE chapter]

6) Identity “Adoption, for some, precludes a complete or integrated sense of self… Adoptees lacking medical,genetic, religious or historical information are plagued by questions such as: Who are they? Why werethey born? Were they in fact merely a mistake, not meant to have been born, an accident?” (Silversteinand Kaplan Roszia)

Helping a child develop an identity that includes the past, the present and the future is integralfor a child to feel whole. An adoptees’s realization of the blank space in their family history exacer-bates the hollow spot they carry inside, with a profoundly sad result.

Past Identity: Without a foundation to build upon, a structure crumbles. Creating an honestlife narrative, or Lifebook, is the prescription that helps provide a sense of history, or life structure,for adopted children. [See LIFE STORIES chapter] Our internationally adopted sons and daugh-ters come to us encoded with information that we can backtrack, react to and connect with.Everyone has a story, but the facts of an internationally adopted child’s babyhood are not asimportant as how she feels about her early life, how she interprets pre-adoptive events, and howshe views her place in the world. Resilience, a trait that allows a person to view and react to adver-sity as a challenge rather than as a trauma, plays a large part in how a child defines herself through“past identity”. A child who suffered a harsh orphanage experience had a difficult start in life, butcan be taught by a parent to be defined by her bravery and courageously strong survival skills. A“powerless victim” internal working model can be changed; not by ignoring sad facts, but byembracing them.

“Reframing is at the heart of resilience. You go back to an incident, find the strengths, and buildself-esteem from the achievement. It is a way of shifting focus from the cup half empty to the cup half


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full. Wolin accords it a central role in "sur-vivor's pride." (Hara Estroff Marano) Resilience may not be innate to some, but itcan be learned. Parents play an integral rolein modeling behavior and feelings, and bydemonstrating their own resilient responsesto life. “Resilient adoptive and birth parentsshow their adopted children how to movetoward, rather than away from, their painand sorrow.” (Paddock)Resilience researcher, Dr. Steve Wolin, con-tends that the give-and-take, the emotionalinsight, and the support that are componentsof a healthy reciprocal relationship, ultimate-ly generate self-esteem and permanent, inte-grated strength in an individual buildinginternal reserves. [See Positive Outcome inCHALLENGES for more on resilience inchildren]

Co-creating an early life history with anadoptee gives the parent an opportunity toshare thoughts and feelings, and to help thechild reframe early events. This intimate rela-tionship / identity work can: 1) Help a child claim parts of herself, and

her birthfamily, through her past2) Teach a child to view herself as brave and

empowered3) Reinforce the adoptive family’s claiming

love for the child and her historyA child who longs to know what her

birthparents look or act like, may willinglyengage in a discussion of her own personalitytraits, talents and physical attributes. Gazinginto a mirror and talking about her attractiveor individualistic characteristics may help achild fill in the blanks of a faceless, namelessbirthmother and father. The determined,joyous, funny personality you brought homefrom Russia, China or Guatemala, inheritedmuch of who she is from her biological fami-ly, and her intrinsic / genetic traits should be

Fear, Anxiety and Leaving Home

When my daughter from China wasyounger she preferred to be at home.She was anxious about traveling and wasalways relieved to return. A therapisttold me that my daughter had trans-ferred her feeling of being kept "safe"to the house, instead of allowing orrelying on parents to keep her feelingsecure. I worked on this with her, andtold her repeatedly that “The house doesn't keep you safe, yourmommy and daddy do that–it's our job.”

I think it was a concept she had tolearn; there were a few gaps in trust thather early life had not filled in for herand the holes were exacerbated by herfear and anxiety. Sometimes while on afamily trip she would say she wanted togo home, then catch my eye and repeat"but I know my house doesn't keep mesafe, you and daddy do, and I'm withyou so I'm okay!"

We had done a lot of work on adop-tion issues with her, so she had anawareness of the root of her fears towork off of and a knowledge of whatgood parents are supposed to do.Repeating the mantra "mommy anddaddy keep you safe", reminding herthat a house can't do that, and teachingher why she felt the way she did, helpedher to genuinely switch her gears to ahealthier reliance on her parents (andeventually on herself).


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celebrated. But allow yourself to tie your daughter or son’s development to

you, too! Your child may have acquired your sense of humor, bodylanguage or attitude towards life, and she needs to know its okay toconnect to and identify with both the nature and nurture of herbirth parents and adoptive parents.

Filling a “past identity” with an honest, re-created, re-framedstory won’t make a child’s pain over loss and rejection disappear,but it will give a child a clearer sense of self, and something to hanga personal history on.

It is tempting to want to give a child a firm reason for theirabandonment—to answer that important core issue "why" questionin a way that gives closure, and makes a child feel loved and want-ed. But creating a truthful life story means looking at all possibili-ties. Discussing abandonment with your daughter or son is anopportunity to explore the sobering economic, political, culturaland personal reasons for its occurrence, and an opportunity to talkabout your child’s feelings, opinions and beliefs. Political or culturalexplanations will not ameliorate the emotional pain a child feelsabout her abandonment, but they play a role in your child’s storyand are part of her long-term process of insight and understanding.Tough questions are part of adoption-parenting territory. There isno honest way to discuss your child’s life story and past identitywithout talking openly about loss, the sad conditions that led to ahappy adoption, and the feelings that these dichotomies engenderfor everyone involved.

Present Identity: A child’s identity in the present is to a largedegree, familial. It is a huge comfort for a child to feel that shebelongs in her adopted family, that she has full membership alongwith her parents and siblings, and that the membership can neverbe revoked. A child derives strength from kinship and claimingbehaviors! A parent can emphasize family by celebrating connec-tions, and by dedicating time and importance to building family.The prescription:

• work and play together• describe the special attributes of each family member• describe family goals• talk about family unity• design simple family rituals • draw or talk about what families do to stay close• ask each member to list three things that make it difficult to stay

close, then problem-solve the difficulties as a family (Landry)

The Twelve Gifts of BirthBy Charlene Costanzo

Help your child claimthe gifts of birth thatbelong to all children:Strength, Beauty,Courage, Compassion,Hope, Joy, Talent,Imagination,Reverence, Wisdom,Love, and Faith.

Use The Twelve Giftsof Birth to discusswhat your child was given by herbirthparents, what youhave contributed toher growth, and the amazing person shehas become. A bookopen for interpreta-tion and useful forreinforcing anadoptee’s birth entitle-ment and personalresilience.

A great book to readon a child’s birthdayeve or other milestonedays. It gives you awonderful opportunityto look back at the giftsyour child used oraccessed during thepast year .


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Dealing with Young Children, Adoption and Anger

“Those of us who weren't adopted cannot fully grasp the meaning of being given away.As I work with adoptive parents on listening to their child, this issue becomes para-mount. From the adult perspective, the adopted child was taken out of an unsafe envi-ronment and this should be seen as good. From the child's point of view, however, some-thing very valuable was taken away: their home, their identity, their family.

Children are quite adept at communicating their feelings. Strange as it is, adults con-sistently miss the messages. For the adopted child, anger is his way of communicatingfeelings of loss, grief, fear, and terror. Unfortunately, these messages get misinterpretedand the child subsequently gets labeled as defiant."

~ Christopher Alexander, Ph.D, The Inner world of the Adopted Child

As adoptive parents, we need to stop and think what we are reacting to when our childrenact-out or misbehave. Adoption doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it should influence howwe choose to deal with it. Sometimes, demonstrating our understanding, or pro-activelygoing for the “core issue”, can nip a tantrum in the bud.

Identify feelings. Teach your children to use the "Four Feelings" (mad, sad, happy andscared) to identify and express what they are feeling inside. This takes practice, and it helpsfor a parent to model usage, too.

Go to the core issue. What is REALLY producing the anger? “For the adopted child,anger is his way of communicating feelings of loss, grief, fear, and terror.” Not everythinggoes back to adoption, but it is a big relief even for a very young child, to be able to sortout the root of their feelings and behaviors with the help of a parent.

Adoption discipline. For little kids, a time-in is generally more helpful for emotionalissues than a time-out. Hold the child in your lap (face in or face out) for a period of timeuntil they have calmed down, stopped raging, or are ready to talk and listen. A time-in isdone in a quiet place (no toys or TV), in a non-punitive manner. The goal is to help a childunderstand expectations and their own motivations, and to help them process and internal-ize their feelings. The parent’s quiet, calm, hands-on presence helps a child with behavioralself-regulation. A time-in takes the "abandonment-isolation" aspect out of time-outs foradopted children. Adoptees with control issues don't care for time-in, but it is an appropri-ate, gentle, disciplinary action. [see DISCIPLINE chapter]

Helpful Resource for Parents Dealing with a Child’s Anger:A Volcano in My Tummy: Helping Children to Handle Anger:

A Resource Book for Parents, Caregivers and Teachersby Eliane Whitehouse, Warwick Pudney



Some adopted teens and adults cite feeling alienated from their adoptive families; it makes sensethat time, effort, and priority should be put toward underscoring the fundamental need to betogether. A strong family provides a safe base to explore from for a child, and a secure safety netfor a teen experimenting with independence.

Future Identity: Family claiming and connection, life narratives, and Lifebooks are tools tohelp a child learn to integrate her past, understand the present and take charge of her future.Giving a child ownership of her life story and her thoughts and feelings builds a foundation forfurther construction. Kaplan Roszia and Silverstein warn that a:"Lack of identity may lead adoptees,particularly in adolescent years, to seek out ways to belong in more extreme fashion than many of theirnon-adopted peers. Adolescent adoptees are over-represented among those who join sub-cultures, runaway, become pregnant, or totally reject their families."

Reinforcing your child’s whole identity, co-creating and re-framing her story while facing thedifficult truths together, will strengthen your child’s trust in herself and help give her the resilientfortitude to live with past, present and future shadows.

7) IntimacyFor a young child, intimacy is measured in peer friendships and in a child’s relationship with herparents. If a child is grappling with adoption issues, it can interfere with all of her interactions.Grief, shame, loss and rejection may motivate a child to steer clear of any relationship with poten-tial to bring more of the same.

“Adoptive parents report that their adopted children seem to hold back a part of themselves in therelationship. Adoptive mothers indicate, for example, that even as an infant, the adoptee was “notcuddly.” Many adoptees as teens state that they have truly never felt close to anyone. Some youngstersdeclare a lifetime emptiness related to longing for the birthmother they may never have seen.” (Kaplan& Silverstein)

Working on the intimacy issue requires a great deal of trust, communication and vulnerabilityfrom children, and from adults. A parent must be willing to discuss topics that are uncomfortable(infertility, for example) and be willing to participate in painful conversations (a child wishing forher birthparents). It is up to the parent to introduce adoption subjects, and to be willing to acceptthe notion of a child’s biological family as an intimate part of their own. A parent who is dis-tressed or embarrassed talking about personal issues or who refuses to visit the loss-laden "dark"side of adoption, will not be helpful to their child and will probably not get many shots at parent-child intimacy, either.

Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb, authors of Real Parents, Real Children, suggestusing the Pebbles Technique to open a conversation about a sensitive adoption topic. "Pebbles areone-liners, not conversations, that raise an issue and then are allowed to ripple until a child is ready topick up on it." An example might be mentioning your child’s beautiful, black hair and wonderingout loud if she got her hair from her birthmother…essentially, throwing out a conversational peb-ble for the child to catch. If a child chooses not to respond to the pebble, the parent has still com-municated a willingness and ability to talk about difficult subject matter, and can toss out anotherpebble at another time.

Because adopted children are fearful of hurting their adoptive parents, and are unwilling to risk


Feelings14

rejection, parents must be the discussion initiators. Parents mustmodel behavior and leadership, and pro-actively be part of a child’sinternal world. An un-addressed intimacy issue can quietly decimatean important relationship, leaving a child alienated and a parent sadand confused. How intimate we are with our young children nowwill have direct repercussions on their teen years:

"When an open, accepting environment in which the child can talkabout and tackle adoption-related issues is established early on, thechild will feel freer to turn to his parents to talk about problems as ateen. If parents deny their child’s feelings or sweep them under the rug,then the family—parents and child alike—will have no system foraddressing them when they intensify in adolescence." (van Gulden andBartels-Rabb)

Adoption fall-out is a blessing in disguise. Our children’s sad-ness, anger, confusion, and questions are all there for us parents topick up and run with now, perhaps circumventing some of the big-ger outbursts in adolescence. Adoption issues will continue to re-appear at times of transition throughout our children’s lives: enter-ing school, moving, marriage, pregnancy and birth, divorce, med-ical interventions, deaths of friends and family, mid-life and old-age.How our children handle each challenge depends on their personal-ity and on their preparation. The Seven Core Issues and parentingprescriptions give us tools to interpret our children’s thoughts andemotions, and allow us the insight to guide them to self-awareness.We can’t fix the fall-out, but we can help our children with theirfeelings, and with their healing. We can demonstrate our ownresiliency and teach our sons and daughters that their journey ofadoption is more than survivable; that it has shaped them inremarkable ways, and with our help, it can make them strong.

~ By Jean MacLeod

A Note to Parents Adoption-parenting can be challenging, puzzling and frustrating. Our children are huge joys, but they comewith to us with a history that we sometimes need to work to con-nect to. Attachment or adoption therapists are trained to under-stand the needs of internationally adopted children, the issues ofloss, and the effects of post-institutionalization. For parent-recom-mended therapists, and therapists registered with the nationalorganization ATTACh, go to the following websites: www.attach-china.org and www.attach.org

Books andResources forParents

Lifelong Issues inAdoptionBy Deborah N. Silverstein,LCSW, and Sharon KaplanRoszia, MS

Doris Landry, MS,www.adoptionparenting.net

The Art of ResilienceBy Hara Estroff Marano/PsychologyToday.com

Orphans and Warriors,The Journey of theAdopted HeartBy Dee Paddock, MA,MTS, NCC

The Resilient Self: HowSurvivors of TroubledFamilies Rise AboveAdversity By Steven J. Wolin, MDand Sybil Wolin, Ph.D

Real Parents. Real ChildrenBy Holly van Gulden andLisa M. Bartels-Rabb



~In My Words~The Perfect Child – When Fear and Anxiety Drive Goodness

My older daughter was the easiest and most compliant child I could have imagined (a true joyto be around) from the time she was adopted. But she buckled under incredible stress afterstarting school. For her everything came to a head in 2nd Grade. She quite literally had a"nervous breakdown" and left school for a few weeks while we found a therapist and pickedourselves up off the floor (totally mystified by what was happening with her). Her breakingpoint didn't provoke rage, but rather depression. We learned that she had basically run outof steam in working SO hard to promote the image of the "perfect" child all those years. Shetruly wanted to be a good girl, never wanted to be in trouble or thought badly of by anyone.I did not realize this was the lesson she learned in those early years in her institution -- goodbabies live, bad babies and toddlers are abused, neglected and in other terrible ways mistreat-ed. During her pre-school years, we controlled her environment so nicely (loving family, setboundaries) that she was able to manage being so good most of the time. But once she gotto school, it was no longer easy....and the effort it took was overwhelming her.

When she started 2nd grade and there was another little girl in her class who had somebehavior issues. The other girl, as kids often do, figured out very quickly that it wasn't hardto "push Elena's buttons" and so manufactured ways of making Elena think she was going toget "in trouble". Elena slowly began deteriorating as the year progressed. She forgot how totie her shoes, she cried in class if she couldn't finish a paper, she couldn't remember thewords the teacher had just said during spelling tests...and so on. Initially we didn't under-stand what was going on, and neither did her teacher!! Finally it all came to a head with onedramatic incident -- and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back!

Once we began working with a wonderful (gentle, loving) therapist, I was happy to finallyunderstand what was going on inside her, but at the same time felt so bad that I hadMISSED some symptoms she had displayed early on. Her basic issue was fear/anxiety....shewas living in constant hyper-vigilance all of the time, from the moment I got her, but I didn'trealize it. I just thought she was a "good" child, and I was doing a good job of parentingher. Honestly, I don't believe any different parenting style would have changed a thing. Shewas going to "be good" for whoever adopted her; she internally wanted to be good, motivat-ed by overwhelming life-or-death fear for what the repercussions could be for being "bad".

Today she is sixteen and still a "good girl" at heart. She hates to get in trouble, but haslearned it's not the end of the world. She has so many things going for her that help hercompensate for the ways in which she is different than other people. As she has matured shehas learned to cope with her assumptions and perceptions of things that are often born out ofher internal fears, rather than based in reality. I have learned so much from parenting her,and know in my heart that she is a miracle girl just to have survived what she lived through in Romania, and come out on the other side as a strong, competent and successful individualtoday.

~ By Jill Lampman


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Authentic Beginnings, Real Bonds:Honest Talk About AdoptionThe road to adoption is invariably a painful one for parents, markedby many losses—the child they might have had, but for infertility;the child or children they lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, ordeath; and sometimes even pieces of themselves feel chipped away—their sense of competence, wholeness, worthiness, and so manyother essential, but clearly not immutable, components of self.

By the time their long-awaited adopted child is placed in theirarms, parents usually—and understandably—just want to put all theheartache behind them and move on into the joyful realms ofmothering and fathering. But their very real feelings of loss need tohave a place in the story of their new family, or they can cast ever-lengthening shadows on the relationship between parents and child.

Adopted kids often grow up with the mantra “Being adopted isjust another way to become a family.” This is a dismissive character-ization of a profound experience which has involved not only theparents’ deep losses, but the child’s loss of the parents who couldn’tkeep him. With the best of intentions, adoptive parents often con-vey half-truths about the implications of adoption to shield theirchild from the pain of loss which is inherent in the experience.

“Adoptive parents are really trying to do the right thing, and itfeels like avoiding pain is the right thing, but it truly is not,” saystherapist Wendy McCord. “They need to look at their good intentionsand re-frame them, because hiding from the feelings doesn’t help theirchild.”

“Other mommies and daddies had to take what they got, but wegot to choose you,” is another well-intentioned but ultimatelydestructive lie told to many adopted children. While it clearlywouldn’t be appropriate to share with them what is often the actualtruth—that they tried everything possible to have their own childbefore deciding to adopt—it is crucial for parents to share theessence of the truth with their adopted children, the feelings whichhover beneath the facts.

Social worker Annette Baran, a nationally-recognized adoptionexpert, says, “Adoptive parents must weep with their child—We’resorry, too, that you didn’t grow in Mommy’s tummy. I think par-ents don’t realize they’re allowed to show these feelings. Theythink they have to present an unflagging cheerfulness about adop-tion in order that the children will feel positive too, which is a mis-

“Parents who

allow a child to

explore all of

the complex

feelings—and

questions—that

are a natural

part of the

adoptive

experience

lay a solid

foundation of

trust and

honesty for a

deep, authentic

connection with

their child.”

~ Marcy Axness, Ph.D



conception.” Parents who demonstrate emotional openness send ahealthy message to their child that he or she is allowed to express afull range of feelings, not just the “nice” ones.

“Parents whose children express sadness usually feel that theyneed to reassure them, rather than feel the sadness along with them.But having lost an original set of parents is something to feel sadabout, and the best any parent can do for a child is to allow themto share those feelings of loss with them,” explains Baran.

Dr. McCord acknowledges that supporting a child in thisempathic manner can be emotionally challenging for adoptive par-ents. “It forces them to feel their own loss about not having theirown biological child, and it also will trigger any issues of what theymay have lost in their relationships with their own parents.”

While it may seem easier—especially in the beginning—to avoidthese uncomfortable feelings, glossing over them with cheerful slo-gans isn’t the loving choice, for it ultimately deprives both parentsand child of genuine intimacy. Children who grow up with thatkind of pretense and denial often report that they have superficial,“walking on eggshells” relationships with their parents.

By contrast, parents who allow a child to explore all of the com-plex feelings—and questions—that are a natural part of the adoptiveexperience lay a solid foundation of trust and honesty for a deep,authentic connection with their child.

As any attuned parent knows, children are creatures of intu-ition—they respond to the truth behind our words rather than thewords themselves. And if the truth we’re telling them isn’t thewhole truth, they perceive in this discrepancy that there is some-thing intangibly wrong about themselves. In my own experience, ittook me until age 38 to unlearn that early, stunting lesson, to learnthat there wasn’t something unspeakably wrong about me, butrather, something that my parents couldn’t face, and share—the dif-ficult realities that surrounded my adoption.

When we deny adoption’s losses, we also deny ourselves its fullestblessings.

~ By Marcy Axness, Ph.D.

“Parents who

demonstrate

emotional

openness send a

healthy message

to their child

that he or she

is allowed to

express a

full range of

feelings, not

just the

“nice” ones.”

~ Marcy Axness, Ph.D


Feelings18

“Why Do You Ask?”Questions from Total Strangers and Strategies to Handle Them

“Where are your kids from?” It happens at least once a week. Totalstrangers approach me in the grocery store, at the park, in thelibrary. Most days I’m happy to answer, but sometimes I admit Ijust want to shout, “It’s none of your business!” Locally – forexample in our church - everyone knows who we are: We’re thefamily with the two girls from India. They may not always remem-ber our names, but our faces are indelibly etched into their con-sciousness. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. The response hasbeen overwhelmingly positive. One family from our church evenchose to adopt after seeing the joy our children have brought toour family. But that feeling of being on display never goes away. Sohow do we handle invasion of our privacy?

I have learned some strategies to help me evaluate which ques-tions are OK, and which invade the privacy of our family and askfor information private to my children. I also am teaching my chil-dren how to evaluate situations - essentially, teaching my childrenhow to speak for themselves. This is really important. One daysoon, if it’s not happening already, your daughter or son will startmoving around in this world without you. It may begin at pre-school, dance class, scouts, or elementary school. But when that dayarrives, your kids are going to need to be prepared with some ideaof how to handle the questions when you are not there to helpanswer them. Here firstly are my tools for teaching my kids how toevaluate situations

• Model good responses.• Ask their opinions. “How could we have handled that different-

ly?” “Were you comfortable with me answering that question?”“Is it OK for me to share that information?” [See W.I.S.E Up inSCHOOL chapter]

• Role play with them. Ask what situations they’ve encounteredand work together to come up with responses that might work.

• Let them know it’s OK to ask for help. If a child at school is toopersistent in their questions, who can your child turn to for helpin deflecting the problem?

• Let them know it’s OK to not give an answer, and demonstratethis when out in public. It’s parents’ jobs to defend their children,it establishes boundaries and it teaches how to establish them

Using your Bodyto Communicate

Allow your bodylanguage to indicatethe question is outof order with a lookor a physical turn ofat least 45ª. Yourchildren will cometo learn from youthat boundaries –the personal and theprivate - matter inYOUR family

Sometimes thesound of silence ismost expressive.When someone asksa question which inyour view is outra-geous and simplyviolates family priva-cy, it isn’t necessaryto answer. You canalso add a slow gazeslipping over theperson questioningyou as you disen-gage. That tells theperson your viewmore directly thanwords.



Five great strategies for formulating a response

Strategy 1: Give a brief, but honest answer, when appropriate.More often than not, this will end the conversation quickly. “Whereis she from?” “She was born in India.”

Strategy 2: Answer their question with a question. “Why do youask?” This puts the ball back in their court. If they’re being inquisi-tive, they’ll probably feel uncomfortable saying so and will let itdrop. If they have a good reason for asking, you can decide whereto go from there.

Strategy 3: Show them how invasive the question is. “Do yourchildren get their looks from their father?” A quip is in ordersometimes: “I don’t know. I never met him.” And a snappyresponse to “Are they really sisters?” is to reply with, “Yes, they arenow. Thanks for asking! And do all your children have the samefather?” The point here is not to cast doubt upon the questioner’svirtue, but to help her see a comparably personal question.

Strategy 4: Defer to your children. Depending on their age, youcan make a point of asking them if it’s OK for you answer the ques-tion, or, if they’re a bit older, you can invite them to do the answer-ing. It’s good for the children to see that you respect their owner-ship of the information, and it can be a good chance for them topractice how they want to answer when strangers ask.

Strategy 5: Invoke the cloak of privacy. Privacy is different fromsecrecy. Secrecy connotes that there may be something to beashamed of. Privacy is the barrier that allows you to keep personalinformation to yourself. Would a total stranger walk up to a womanwith a newborn and ask how many stitches she received after child-birth? No. Some things are personal and private and it’s OK to say,in as tactful a way as fits the occasion, that it’s none of their busi-ness.

One thing I have discovered is that my primary obligation is to mychildren, not to the person who has asked the questions. Usingthat premise to set boundaries and to model responses for my children has been the key to handling intrusive questions for myfamily.

~ By Cheryl Leppert

RECOMMENDED

Holly van Gulden'sworkshop on tape orCD: Preparing Kidsto Answer QuestionsAbout Adoption

Adopted children areoften questionedabout adoption, theirbirth parents, or howthey are different fromthe rest of their family.Parents need toempower their chil-dren to answer–-ornot answer-–inways that protect thechild's self-esteem.This tape teaches practical techniques toparents and childrento use in dealing with questions about adoption.

http://www.adop-tiontapes.com/home/cart/view_item.asp?Item_ID=240


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Using RitualsRituals are really lacking in today’s world. Children derive feelings of security and

safety in knowing what the limits are and what is going to happen next. Developing family rituals and traditions are great ways to build family strength and increase the bond

between parent and child:

Use the Day Before. For my older children, all coming with memories of sadness, abuse,abandonment and loss, we have a day before ‘gotcha day’ to talk about sad feelings. We findways to accept the feelings, and then move through them to feeling hopeful.

Family Party. On ‘gotcha day’ we have a family party, with lots of favorite comfort foods fromtheir past lives, as well as favorites from our family. These family parties are “big business” inour family and days and days are spent planning them.

Favorite memories. During our meal, we go around our dinner table and offer some of ourfavorite memories both from initial homecoming and the most recent year that we’ve complet-ed. For our older children, they write down things they really have enjoyed to put in their LifeBook. This gives lots of time to talk about feelings, successes, and continued challenges.

Blended Memories. Knowing what’s going to happen for various holidays, and blending theirmemories into our family celebrations can also lessen grief. For one of my sons, adopted at agefour, this meant adding vanilla to the pancakes we eat each Saturday morning. His foster familydid this, and the smell reminds him of feeling loved and cared for. He’s since asked us to addvanilla or cinnamon to his oatmeal, as the familiar smells help him remember his foster parentsof almost three years.

Writing Letters. Some children like to write and can write their birth mom letters about whatthey’ve accomplished, and what their life is like. Sometimes they might be sad and sorrowful,sometimes angry and full of pain. Put them into a fileand when your child is ready, take a let-ter, go outside and burn it. Envision all the pain and sorrow going up in the air in the smoke.Voicing Sadness. Some times we get my Drum out, and weep and wail, as loudly as we can,allowing all their sadness to be translated into voice, and then do a ‘happy dance’ when we’redone, to help them ‘change state’. We often use jumping jacks to help their brains make betterchoices by giving their brains more blood an oxygen. The older two will ask to do them whenthe sadness or anger seem ‘too big’ for that particular moment.

Visualizing Feelings. We use visualizations to give feelings a “size, shape and color” and aplace in their bodies where they live. Then we imagine the size getting smaller, the color fad-ing out, and the feelings flowing down their bodies and out their feet into the Earth (againwith a “thank you for helping me” and “please go find another little girl to help”. Then we fillthem up with another color and feeling, and allow that feeling to climb all the way up theirbodies and fill them to the tips of their fingers and the tops of their heads.

~ By Deborah Anderson



Releasing Feelings Through Body WorkPediatric Tui Na-Chinese Massage for Our Children

Touch is one of the most natural, instinctive ways of communicat-ing. When we adopted our daughter Emma we held her constantly.We carried her in a Snugli as close to us as possible all day long andslept with her between us all night. Within days her severe facialeczema largely disappeared. On a deeper level, we felt that she rec-ognized and responded to our intention – we were there for herforever. This interaction, we believe, is what began to dispel thegrief and contraction that had seized her; her energies were allowedto begin to expand, she felt safe and could begin to flourish. ForEmma, this was the opening of what Chinese medicine calls herLung Energy, enabling her to be in the world, grow outward, andbe receptive to her surroundings.

Everyone responds to touch, and the younger we are, the morewe are open and needing contact. Touch helps us to feel connectedand safe and allows us to flourish. Children who are institutional-ized during their early months often do not get enough physicalcontact and stimulation. Studies have shown that this can lead toany number of problems, including attachment disorders, sensoryintegration problems and even brain development issues. As adop-tive parents we can go a long way towards making up for this initiallack, simply by doing what comes naturally: cuddling, stroking, andholding our child. There are also simple massage techniques thatcan be helpful for common childhood issues like constipation, diar-rhea, teething pain and the common cold, as well as first aid tech-niques to help stop bleeding or quell a fever. But for our adoptedchildren, the most important thing touch can do is give them asense of safety in which they can expand, develop and express theirtrue selves.

No matter how much we love our children, or they love us, theywill have a lot of feelings surrounding their early history. Intenseanger and grief are natural and healthy responses given their experi-ences of early loss. Each child responds in her unique way, and weall want to help our children develop to their fullest potential ashappy and healthy individuals. Part of that entails that they feelsafe, accepted, and understood as they express their difficult feel-ings.

Chinese Medicine is based on a beautifully holistic philosophy


Feelings22

that the Qi, or “life energy”, motivates and is expressed on all lev-els; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. When the Qi is flow-ing smoothly and harmoniously we experience health and wellbeing on all these levels. As parents we intuitively know when theenergetic forces within our child are flourishing, we can feel thatour child is exuberantly healthy. According to Chinese medical the-ory, sickness is defined as an outward manifestation of an internal“energetic imbalance”. Here are some examples of “energeticimbalances” our children may experience, and their physical mani-festations in terms of Chinese Medicine:

A lack of a sense of safety in the world reflects a Lungimbalance. Frequent colds, chronic throat infections or skinproblems may follow.

An imbalance in their Earth energies may manifest as hav-ing no clear sense of themselves, not knowing what they want,having no self confidence. This may manifest as digestiveissues, frequent stomach upsets, or weight gain or loss.

If a child is chronically tired, even though they sleep and eatenough for sufficient energy, this could be tiredness on a psy-chological level, indicating weakness in the Water Element. Inthat case, there is a lack of will power to go forward and act.Fear and anxiety is the predominant emotional state.Manifestations might occur as chronic ear infections, early den-tal problems, or never being warm enough.

If a child exhibits a lot of anger, frustration, or irritability,without knowing exactly what they are angry about, it is anoutward sign that their Wood energy is out of balance. On aphysical level, eye infections, eye irritations, or even early visiondysfunctions may manifest. Tension throughout the body, per-haps in the ligaments and tendons, may also be noticed.

If a child is constantly in an excited state, speaking in a highexcited tone, often with a quick or even incoherent manner(stuttering falls into this category), it indicates an imbalance inthe Fire energies. The child may also exhibit very quick orsharp impulsive movements. Headaches, fevers or chest conges-tion could be a child’s common complaint, because all of theirenergy is rushing to the upper parts of their body.

How do we use this information? Pediatric Tui Na is a system ofmassage for young children in which points or areas on the surfaceof the body can be manipulated to communicate with the inner

The Power ofTouch

In Chinese Medicine itis thought that forwhatever problem,imbalance or illnessone has, one also hasthe potential for over-coming that condition.Another concept is thatenergy seeks balance,meaning that our chil-dren (and each of us)will naturally seek tobalance and heal them-selves. As parents, as ineverything else, we cannever be perfect. Weneed to be as gentleand forgiving of our-selves as we are withour children. Thechild is her own healer.Touch is one way wecan provide the feelingof safety and uncondi-tional love throughwhich our children willfind their path towholeness.

~ By Alix Keast and TomBanasiak CertifiedShiatsu Instructorsthrough the A.O.B.T.A.,Diplomates of AsianBodywork TherapyN.C.C.A.O.M.



processes. For instance, rubbing the pad of the thumb can helpdigestive issues.

One very effective treatment that can help relieve and release ten-sion in a hyper-vigilant child goes as follows:

• Have your child sit or stand in front of you with their back facing you.

• Place your palms on their shoulders, gently begin grasping themuscles, drawing up and then releasing your hands, and follow-ing the muscles back down.

• Continue in this way as long as it feels good, about two to three minutes. You are releasing the child’s held tension to the surface.

• Now use the palm of your hands to brush outwards along theirshoulder tops, then down both arms and out through theirhands and fingertips. Gently brush apart from upper to lowerback, and then down along the outsides of each leg.

• End facing your child, placing your hands on the tops of theirfeet. Stay there with the intention of drawing that protective,defended energy back down through their body.

In Chinese Medicine it is thought that for whatever problem,imbalance or illness one has, one also has the potential for overcom-ing that condition. Another concept is that energy seeks balance,meaning that our children (and each of us) will naturally seek tobalance and heal themselves. As parents, as in everything else, wecan never be perfect. We need to be as gentle and forgiving of our-selves as we are with our children. The child is her own healer.Touch is one way we can provide the feeling of safety and uncondi-tional love through which our children will find their path towholeness.

~ By Alix Keast and Tom Banasiak

RESOURCES

There are many advan-tages to using Tui Na.Most importantly, itprovides a nurturingtime for parent andchild to come together.Plus, there are no“harmful side-effects”, it feels good, and it’sfree!

A favorite manual ofours because of itswonderful photos andparent-friendliness:

Tui Na Massage for aHealthier, BrighterChildBy Maria Mercati (Gaia Books)Maria Mercati also hasseveral video tapesavailable

For more detailedinformation, also written for parents:

Chinese Massage forInfants and ChildrenBy Kyle Cline (Healing Arts Press)


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~It Worked for Me~Cranio-Sacral Work

Emotional tension, stomach-aches and headaches

My daughter held her feelings in, and they would re-appear as somatic (body)pain. She complained about stomach-aches and headaches, and after rulingout medical and vision problems, we turned to an Occupational Therapistwho specialized in Cranio-Sacral Therapy (CST). CST is a non-invasive, calming method of releasing the stressful emotions the body has stored.

“Practitioners release restrictions in the craniosacral system to improve thefunctioning of the central nervous system. CST is a gentle, hands-on methodof evaluating and enhancing the functioning of a physiological body systemcalled the craniosacral system - comprised of the membranes and cere-brospinal fluid that surround and protect the brain and spinal cord.”(International Alliance of Healthcare Practitioners)

During a CST session, the child lies down, fully clothed, while the practition-er applies a soft touch to different points on the cranio-sacral system. CST isnot a quick fix, but it can be very effective on emotional difficulties, post-traumatic stress disorder and migraines, and moms or dads can learn how tocontinue the work at home. I didn’t start out as a new-age, “alternative” parent, but I have come to understand and appreciate the positive benefits of alternative, or adjunct, medicine on our post-institutional children. CST,Tui Na Massage, energy work, traditional Chinese medicine; all reflect thepowerful connection between touch, emotion and natural healing.

www.craniosacral.com

Sensory clinics and Occupational Therapy centers usually have or know ofcertified CST practitioners. For an online list, see www.iahp.com

~ By Jean MacLeod


feelings - emk press · adoption parenting 3 teaching our children to understand their emotions and...

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