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Deborah Gilboa, MDwww.AskDrG.com
THE POWEROF FAILURE
How Great Adults Let Kids Fail @AskDocG
@AskDoctorG
#WAICtikicon
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If you could wave a magic wand...
What do you want
kids to learn?
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hap·pi·ness:noun
good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy
INGREDIENTS:1.Confidence2.Competence3.Relationships
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Wait…
You DO have a magic wand!
CAMP
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WHAT DO THEY LEARN AT CAMP?• Get in the water• Get on stage• Touch nature• Meet someone new• Answer questions
about themselves• Ask about others• Be honest• Try something new• Climb something
• Go where they’ve never been
• Read a map• Make fire• Cook something• Write a skit• Teach a lesson• Learn a lesson• ___________
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CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIESThe Myth:“Getting involved
will make us both feel better!”
The Truth:Stepping back
helps kids become adults.
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7
WHY WOULD WE LET THEM TRY?
Proves independenceLeads to competence
Builds relationshipTeaches
resilience.
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STATS
• Sallie Mae study of undergrads: average credit card balance is $3,173
• US Census Bureau: 2010 adults age 25-34 living at home ↑26% to 5.9mil
• >2/3 parents give their adult children $$$ support (doubled in 20 yrs)
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SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013
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“Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of
depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on
college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived
violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and
competence.”
THE COST
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WHAT CAMPS KNOWChildhood is for learning:• Independence• Competence• How to build relationships
Stepping back a little strengthens kids.Independence →RESILIENCE
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But why, exactly?
Love• Empathy• Helpfulness• Greater resources• Experience• Habit• Genuine enjoyment
Fear• Responsibility• Overwhelming• Deteriorating• Future
consequences• Risking the
relationship
GUILT.
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RESILIENCE CHALLENGES
Mistakes Accidents Pain Social consequences Judgment from other parents Haters 11:00 News…
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WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBERAdult involvement supports•Safety•Growth•Learning
Adult intervention harms •Confidence•Competence•Relationships
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GUIDE THEIR PLAN
• Let life teach the lesson!• Praise the process.• Play “What if?”• Read a book or watch a show.• What would you tell a friend?• MISSION STATEMENT/CONTRACT
“I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”
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PARENT PARTNERING• Focus on the child
• Favorite song? Their child’s name!
• What do you know? What do you like?
• GOAL SHARING!• Recognize the parent
as that child’s expert• Share
decision-making
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