Bipolar Disorder — What to Say, What Not to Say
By Andrea Bledsoe, PhD | Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH
What you say to your loved one with bipolar disorder can make a difference — either in a positive way or in a harmful one.
Bipolar Disorder: The Nine Worst Things to Say
You may have been surprised by your loved one’s
diagnosis and his behavior may be very frustrating,
but no matter what he does (or doesn’t do) and how
upset you get, do your best to avoid saying the
following:
1. You’re crazy.
2. This is your fault.
3. You’re not trying.
4. Everyone has bad times.
5. You’ll be okay — there’s no need to worry.
6. You’ll never be in a serious romantic relationship.
7. What's the matter with you?
8. I can’t help you.
9. You don’t have to take your moods out on me — I’m
getting so tired of this.
The truth is that bipolar disorder is a genetic medical
illness — and it is treatable. Your loved one may cycle
between being depressed with very little energy to
being hyperactive or “manic.” This is all part of the
illness and he can’t help it. It’s important that you be
supportive, without nagging him. It will also help you if
you know what to expect and how to spot when your
loved one is not doing well or has stopped taking his
medication.
Not finding someone to love romantically is something
your loved one may be concerned about, so be careful
not to reinforce that idea, even in frustration,
especially since it’s not true. “There are plenty of
people with these illnesses that get married. It just
means that they have to do their best to get the
condition under control,” says Jeffrey Rakofsky, MD, a
psychiatrist at the Emory University Bipolar Disorders
Clinic in Atlanta.
Bipolar Disorder: The Eight Best Things to Say
What should you say to be supportive and help your
loved one to do his best to manage the condition
without being too pushy? Some of the best words of
encouragement include:
1. This is a medical illness and it is not your fault.
2. I am here. We'll make it through this together.
3. You and your life are important to me.
4. You’re not alone.
5. Tell me how I can help.
6. I might not know how you feel, but I’m here to support
you.
7. Whenever you feel like giving up, tell yourself to hold
on for another minute, hour, day — whatever you feel
you can do.
8. Your illness doesn't define who you are. You are still
you, with hopes and dreams you can attain.
Kristin Finn, author of Bipolar and Pregnant, a mental
health advocate and member of the speaker’s bureau
of the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, was
diagnosed with bipolar disorder 30 years ago and is
the mother of a 17-year-old daughter with bipolar
disorder. Finn stresses that as important as it is to
know what to say, it is also important to know when
not to say anything. Finn says when her daughter’s
mood changes suddenly, the best thing she can do is
give her daughter space and not ask “What’s wrong?”
or “Is it something I did?” She adds, “Remember it’s
not about you. You’ve got to let the person experience
what they are experiencing.”
Finn also recommends suggesting a support group to
your loved one or finding books about the condition
that may help him realize that he is not alone and that
lots of people live with bipolar disorder every day.
Dr. Rakofsky adds another important point to remind
your loved one of: “People with bipolar disorder are
often very creative [and] talented. We have people like
Vincent Van Gogh and other artists and actors out
there that speak to that.”
