ASAVIOREPUBLICBOOK

The5SecondRule:TransformYourLife,Work,andConfidencewithEverydayCourage©2017byMelRobbinsAllRightsReserved

ISBN:978-1-68261-238-5ISBN(eBook):978-1-68261-239-2

CoverDesignbyRachelGreenbergInteriorCompositionbyGregJohnson/TextbookPerfect

Nopartof thisbookmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedbyanymeanswithoutthewrittenpermissionof theauthorandpublisher.

PublishedintheUnitedStatesof America

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THISISTHETRUESTORYOFTHE5SECONDRULE

WHATitis,WHYitworks,andHOWpeoplearoundtheworldare

usingittochangetheirlivesinfivesimpleseconds.

Theeventsdescribedinthisbookarereal.

Nonameshavebeenchanged.

Thesocialmediapoststhatappearthroughoutthisbookaretheactualposts.

Icannotwaittosharethisbookwithyouandwatchyouunlockthe

powerofyou.

5...4...3...2...1...GO!

Xo,

Mel

THE5SECONDRULETRANSFORMYOURLIFE,WORK,ANDCONFIDENCE

WITHEVERYDAYCOURAGE

PART 1

THE5SECONDRULE

1. FiveSecondsToChangeYourLife

2. HowIDiscoveredthe5SecondRule

3. WhatYouCanExpectWhenYouUseIt

4. WhyTheRuleWorks

PART 2

THEPOWEROFCOURAGE

5. EverydayCourage

6. WhatAreYouWaitingFor?

7. You’llNeverFeelLikeIt

8. HowToStartUsingtheRule

PART 3

COURAGECHANGESYOURBEHAVIOR

HowtoBecometheMostProductivePersonYou

Know

9. ImproveYourHealth

10. IncreaseProductivity

11. EndProcrastination

PART 4

COURAGECHANGESYOURMIND

HowtoBecometheHappiestPersonYouKnow

12. StopWorrying

13. EndAnxiety

14. BeatFear

PART 5

COURAGECHANGESEVERYTHING

How To Become theMost Fulfilled Person You

Know

15. BuildingRealConfidence

16. PursuingPassion

17. EnrichYourRelationships

THEPOWEROFYOU

EverydayCourageCourage is the ability to do things that feel

difficult,scary,oruncertain.

Itisn’treservedforjustachosenfew.

Courageisabirthright.It’sinsideallofus.

Andit’swaitingforyoutodiscoverit.

One moment of courage can change your day.

One day can change your life. And one life can

changetheworld.

That’s thetruepowerofcourage; it revealsyou.

Thegreatestversionofyou.

Discoveryourcourage,andyouwillbecapableof

accomplishing and experiencing anything you

dreamabout.

Yes,evenchangingtheworld.

PART1

THE5SECONDRULE

Y

CHAPTERONE

FIVESECONDSTOCHANGEYOURLIFE

ou are about to learn something remarkable—it takes just five seconds tochangeyour life.Sounds likeagimmick,doesn’t it? It’snot. It’sscience. I’ll

proveittoyou.Youchangeyourlifeonefive-seconddecisionatatime.Infact,it’stheonlywayyouchange.

Thisisthetruestoryof the5SecondRule:whatitis,whyitworks,andhowithastransformedthelivesof peoplearoundtheworld.TheRuleiseasytolearnanditsimpactisprofound.It’sthesecrettochanginganything.OnceyoulearntheRule,youcanstartusingitimmediately.TheRulewillhelpyoulive,love,work,andspeakwithgreaterconfidenceandcourageeveryday.Useitonceandit’llbethereforyouwheneveryouneedit.

I created the 5 SecondRule at a time inmy lifewhen everythingwas fallingapart.Andbyeverything,Imeaneverything:mymarriage,finances,career,andself-esteemwereallinthegutter.Myproblemsseemedsobigthatitwasastruggleeachmorningjusttogetoutof bed.That’sactuallyhowtheRulebegan—IinventedtheRuletohelpmebreakmyhabitof hittingthesnoozebutton.

WhenIusedtheRulefortheveryfirsttimesevenyearsago,Ithoughtitwassilly.LittledidIknowthatIhadinventedapowerfulmetacognitiontechniquethatwouldchangeabsolutelyeverythingaboutmylife,work,andsenseof self.

What’shappenedtomesincediscoveringthe5SecondRuleandthepoweroffive seconddecisions isunbelievable. Inotonlywokeup—I shookupmyentirelife. I’ve used this one tool to take control and improve everything from myconfidencetomycashflow,mymarriagetomycareer,andmyproductivitytomyparenting.Ihavegonefrombouncingcheckstosevenfiguresinthebankandfromfightingwithmyhusbandtocelebrating20yearsof marriage.I’vecuredmyself ofanxiety, built and sold two small businesses, been recruited to join the teams atCNNandSUCCESSmagazine,andI’mnowoneof themost-bookedspeakersintheworld.I’veneverfeltmoreincontrol,happy,orfree.Icouldn’thavedoneanyof itwithouttheRule.

The5SecondRulechangedeverything…byteachingmejustonething:HOWtochange.

UsingtheRule,Ireplacedmytendencytooverthinkthesmallestmoveswithabias toward action. I used the Rule tomaster self-monitoring and becomemorepresent and productive. The Rule taught me how to stop doubting and startbelievinginmyself,myideas,andmyabilities.And,theRulehasgivenmetheinnerstrengthtobecomeabetterandmuchhappierperson,notforothers,butforme.

TheRulecandothesameforyou.That’swhyIamsoexcitedtoshareitwithyou.Inthenextfewchapters,you’lllearnthestorybehindtheRule,whatitis,why

itworks,andthecompellingsciencetobackitup.You’lldiscoverhowfivesecond

decisions and actsof everyday courage change your life.Finally, you’ll learnhowyou can use the #5SecondRule in combination with the latest research-backedstrategiestobecomehealthier,happier,andmoreproductiveandeffectiveatwork.You’llalsolearnhowtouseittoendworry,manageanxiety,findmeaninginyourlifeandbeatanyfear.

And, that’snotall.You’ll seeproof.Lotsof proof.Thisbook ispackedwithsocialmediapostsandfirst-handaccountsfrompeopleallovertheworldwhoareusing theRule tomake someamazing thingshappen.Yes, theRulewillhelpyouwake up on time, but what it really does is something far more remarkable—itwakesuptheinnergenius,leader,rockstar,athlete,artist,andchangeagentinsideof you.

Whenyoufirst learntheRule,you’ll likelystartusing it tosticktoyourgoals.Youmightuse theRule topushyourself toget to thegym likeMargaretdoeswhensheisn’t“feelingit.”

OryoumayusetheRuletobecomemoreinfluentialatwork.That’showMalfirstusedtheRule—tofindthecouragetomeetwithhisbossandtalkabouthiscareergoals(somethingthatsomanyof usfear).ThankstotheRule,itnotonlyhappened,butitwentgreat:

That’sanotherthingthat’suniqueabouttheRule—Imayhavecreatedit,butit’snotjustmystorytotell.Insidethisbook,you’llmeetpeoplearoundtheworldfromallwalksof lifewhoareusing theRule, inwaysbig and small, to takechargeoftheirlives.TheirdiverseexperienceswillhelpyouunderstandjusthowlimitlesstheapplicationsfortheRuleanditsbenefitstrulyare.

You can use theRule to becomemore productive. Before the 5 SecondRule, Laura used tomake endless to-do lists and sat aroundmaking excuses andbeing a jerk to herself. Now, there’s no room in Laura’s life for excuses—onlyaction.Laurahasincreasedhercashflowby$4,000amonth,finishedherbachelor’sdegree,andhikedafew4,000footers.Nextup,runamarathon.

YoucanusetheRuletostepoutsideof yourcomfortzoneandbecomemore effective at networking. Ken used the 5 Second Rule the same day helearned it at the Project Management Institute National Conference to meet

“movers and shakers,”Matthewused it to cold-callC-Level executives, andAlanusedittomeet“adozenfolksIwouldn’thaveotherwise”ataPGATourevent.

You can also use the Rule to self-monitor and control your emotions.JennausestheRuleasamomtopractice“patienceinsteadof snappingat”herkids.She’salsousingitasasalestoolinhernewdirectsellingbusiness.TheRulehelpsherstopthinkingabouthow“intimidating”itistosellandgivesherthecouragetojuststartselling.

Executives insidesomeof theworld’smost respectedbrandsareusingthe Rule to help their managers change, drive sales, engage teams, andinnovate. TakeCrystal atUSAA,whose entire sales team is using the 5 SecondRuleandtheresulthasbeenawesome—they’vejumpedto“#1inourlocation.”

The#5SecondRuleissoeasytolearnandsoimportantforconfidencethatweseemanagers,likeMuz,teachingittotheirteamsallovertheworld.

You’ll also be inspired by the stories of people who are finding thecouragetostopthinkingandstartputtingtheirideasintoaction.Mark,whoafterdecadesof thinkingaboutstartinganonprofiticehockeyleagueforinnercitykids,usedtheRuletofinallygettheidea“outof myhead”and“intoaction.”He’snowpartneredwith formerOlympiansandNHLalumni tocreatecamps, clinics,andleagues.

The Rule is also a powerful tool in the battles of addiction anddepression.Billlearnedaboutthe#5SecondRuleonaRedditthreadanditwasthe“Rightmessage.Rightplace.Righttime.”HestartedusingtheRule’s“countdowntrick” to quit drinking and it’s working “amazing!!” He just celebrated his 40thbirthdaycompletelysober.

AnditmightevensaveyourlifeAworkcolleagueof minerecentlyreachedoutandsharedaverypoignant#5SecondRulestorywithme.Afterheandhiswifesplitup,hefellintoadeepdepression.Itgotsobadthathe“contemplatedsuicide.”Athislowestpoint,heusedtheRuleto“putitdownandcallforhelp.”Findingthecouragetogetoutof hisheadbycounting5-4-3-2-1andthencallingforhelpsavedhislife.

InusingtheRuleformorethansevenyears,andhearingfrompeoplealloverthe world, I’ve come to realize that every single day we face moments that aredifficult,uncertain,andscary.Your life requirescourage.Andthat isexactlywhattheRulewillhelpyoudiscover—thecouragetobecomeyourgreatestself.

HowCanOneSimpleToolWorkinSoManyPowerfulWays?

Greatquestion.The#5SecondRuleisonlyeverworkingononething—YOU.Youhavegreatnessinsideof you.Evenatyourlowestpoint,greatnessisthere.TheRulewillgiveyouboththeclaritytohearthatgreatnessandthecouragetoactonit.

Using the Rule, I have discovered the courage to do things that I had spentyearsthinkingaboutandmakingexcusesfor.OnlythroughactionhaveIunlockedthepowerinsideof metobecomethepersonthatI’vealwayswantedtobe.Andthe confidence I exhibit on TV, online, and on stage is what I call “RealConfidence.”

I’vebuiltRealConfidencebylearninghowtohonormyinstinctswithactionsothattheycometolifeintherealworld.Iusetheword“honor”onpurpose.That’swhat you are doingwhen you use the Rule. You are honoring yourself. You arechampioningyourideas.Andeachtimeyouuseit,youtakeonestepclosertobeingthepersonyouaretrulymeanttobe.Ihavechangedfromthekindof personwhojust thinks aboutmy ideas tohaving the confidence to share, act on, andpursuethem.If youusetheRuleconsistentlyandyouhonoryourinstinctswithaction,theexactsametransformationwillhappentoyou.

Marlowe discovered just how easy it is to use the Rule to transform herself.Days after learning the Rule, she used it to stop thinking about signing up forclassesandactuallydo it,whichwassomethingshe“hadbeenwanting todobutkeptmakingexcusesfor,foralongtime.”

AsMarloweputit,“it’sabsolutelyincredibleandawe-inspiringhoweasythingsbecomeonceyouwrapyourheadaroundyourownabilitytoPUSHyourself.”

She’s right.Onceyou startusing theRule topushyourself outof yourheadand into action, you’ll be “astonished” by how easy it is to make a five seconddecisionthatchangeseverything.

AsIusedtheRulemoreandmoreinmylife,IrealizedthatIwasmakingsmalldecisionsalldaylongthatheldmeback.Infivesecondsflat,I’ddecidetostayquiet,towait, andnot to risk it. I’dhave an instinct to act andwithin five secondsmy

mindwouldkill itwithdoubt,excuses,worry,orfear.Iwastheproblemandinfive seconds, I could pushmyself and become the solution. The secret tochangehadbeenrightinfrontof myfacetheentiretime—fivesecondsdecisions.

HaveyoueverseenthatfamouscommencementaddressDavidFosterWallacegaveatKenyonCollegein2005?If youhaven’tseenorreadthisspeech,youcanfinditonYouTubeandit’sdefinitelyworththe20minutesittakestowatch.

Init,Wallacestepsuptothemicandstartsoff withthisjoke:

Therearethesetwoyoungfishswimmingalong,andtheyhappentomeetanolderfishswimmingtheotherway,whonodsatthemandsays,“Morning,boys,how’sthewater?”

Andthetwoyoungfishswimonforabit,andtheneventuallyoneof themlooksoverattheotherandgoes,“Whatthehelliswater?”

You can hear the audience laugh in the video, and thenWallace explains theimmediatepointof thefishstoryisthat“themostobvious,importantrealitiesareoftentheonesthatarethehardesttoseeandtalkabout.”

Forme,thehardestthingtoseeandtalkaboutwastheverynatureof changeitself. I had always wondered why it was so damn hard to make myself do thethings that I knew I should do in order to expand my career, enrich myrelationships, become healthier, and improve my life. Discovering the#5SecondRule gave me the million-dollar answer—change comes down to thecourageyouneedeverydaytomakefiveseconddecisions.

YouAreOneDecisionAwayfromaCompletelyDifferentLife

Insidethisbook,I’mgoingtoshareeverythingthatI’velearnedaboutchangeand the power of everyday courage.You’re going to lovewhat you are about tolearn.ThecoolestpartwillbewhenyoustarttousetheRuleandseetheresultsfor

yourself.Youwillnotonlywakeupandrealizejusthowmuchyou’veheldyourselfback.Youwillalsoawakenthepowerthat’sbeeninsideof youallalong.

Asyou read the stories inside thesepages, youmighteven realize that you’veusedthe#5SecondRulebefore.If youlookbackonyourlifeandreflectonsomeof the most important moments, I guarantee that you’ve made a life-changingdecisionpurelyoninstinct.Infivesecondsflat,youmade,whatIcall,a“heart-firstdecision.”Youignoredyourfearsandletyourcourageandyourconfidencespeakforyou.Fivesecondsof couragemakesallthedifference.

Just ask Catherine. When she first learned about the #5SecondRule at hercompany’sexecutiveleadershipoffsite,itmadeherrealizeshehadusedtheRuletomakeoneof themostimportantdecisionsof herlife—shejustdidn’trealizeitatthetime.In1990,hersisterTracywaskilledandCatherinetraveledbackhometohelp.That’swhen“a5Seconddecision”changednotonlyher life“but somanyothers aswell.” She decided to raise her sister’s “two little ones”whowere “leftbehind”whenTracydied.

Ilovehowshedescribesthedecisionasa“nobrainer”—becausewhenyouactwithcourage,yourbrainisnotinvolved.Yourheartspeaksfirstandyoulisten.TheRulewillteachyouhow.

Willittakesomeeffortonyourparttodiscoverthepowerwithinyou?Yes,itwill.ButasMarlowesaidjustafewpagesago,“Itisabsolutelyincredibleandawe-inspiringhoweasythingsbecome”whenyoudo.

Doingtheworktoimproveyourlifeissimple,youcandoit,andit’sworkyouwant todo—because it’s themost importantwork that there is. It is theworkoflearninghowtoloveandtrustyourself enoughtostopwaitingandtostartleaningintoallthemagic,opportunity,andjoythatyourlife,work,andrelationshipshavetooffer.

I’m so excited to hear about what happens when you start using the#5SecondRule.ButI’mjumpingaheadof thestory.Beforewecantalkaboutalloftheexcitingways thatyoucanuse theRule, Ineed to takeyouback to2009andexplainhowthisallstarted.

cour-age/’kerij/noun

Theabilitytodosomethingthatisdifficultorscary

Steppingoutsideofyourcomfortzone

Sharingyourideas,speakingup,orshowingup

Standingfirminyourbeliefsandvalues

Andsomedays…gettingoutofbed.

T

CHAPTERTWO

HOWIDISCOVEREDTHE5SECONDRULE

his all started in2009. Iwas41yearsold and facing somemajorproblemswithmoney,work,andinmymarriage.AssoonasIwokeupeachmorning,

allIfeltwasdread.

Haveyoueverfeltthatway?It’stheworst.Thealarmrings,andyoujustdon’tfeel like gettingup and facing theday.Or, you lie awake atnightwith yourheadspinningasyouworryaboutallof yourproblems.

Thatwasme.Formonths,IfeltsooverwhelmedbytheproblemsIhadthatIcouldbarelygetoutof bed.Whenthealarmrangat6a.m.,Iwouldliethereandthinkaboutthedayahead,thelienonthehouse,thenegativeaccountbalance,my

failedcareer,howmuchIresentedmyhusband…andthenIwouldhitthesnoozebutton.Notonce,butoverandoveragain.

Inthebeginning, itwasn’tabigdeal,butas is thecasewithanybadhabit,astimewenton, it snowballed intoamuchbiggerproblemthat impactedmyentireday.BythetimeIfinallygotup,thekidshadmissedthebusandIfelt likeIwasfailing at life. I spent most of my days tired, running late, and feeling totallyoverwhelmed.

Idon’tevenknowhowitstarted—Ijustrememberfeelingsodefeatedall thetime.Myprofessionallifewasinthegutter.Overthepast12years,IhadchangedcareerssomanytimesthatIwasdevelopingmultiplepersonalities.Aftergraduatingfromlawschool,IstartedmycareerasapublicdefenderfortheLegalAidCriminalDefenseSociety inNYC.ThenImetmyhusbandChrisandwegotmarriedandmoved to Boston so that he could pursue hisMBA. In Boston, I worked crazyhoursforalargelawfirmandwasmiserableallthetime.

Whenourdaughterwasborn,Iusedmymaternityleavetolookforanewjoband landed in theBostonstartupscene.Iworkedforseveral techstartupsduringthoseyears. Itwas funandI learneda lotbut Inever felt like techwas the rightcareerforme.

Ihiredacoachtohelpmefigureout“whattodowithmylife.”Workingwithacoachledmetowanttobecomeone.So,likealotof people,Iworkedduringtheday, focusedonthekidswhenIgothome,andthenIstudiedatnight toget thecertificationIneeded.Eventually,I launchedacoachingbusiness.Ilovedit,andIwouldprobablystillbedoingitif themediahadnotcalled.

Mymediacareerbeganasafluke:Inc.magazinepublishedanarticlefeaturingmycoachingbusinessandanexecutiveatCNBCsawitandcalled.Thatonecallledtolotsof meetings.Aftermonthsof tryouts,I landeda“developmentdeal”withABCandacall-inradioshowonSirius.

Sounds fancy, but it wasn’t. I was surprised to learn that most developmentdealspaynexttonothingandthatradiopaysevenlessthanthat.Inreality,Iwasamotherof threedrivingbackandforthtoNYC,sleepingonfriends’couchesinthecity, coaching clients on the side to make the ends meet, leaning too much onfriendsandfamilytofillthechildcaregaps,anddoingwhateverIcouldtomakeitallwork.

After several years scrapingby in themediabusiness, Igotmy“bigbreak.” Iwascast tohosta realityshowforFOX.Ihadvisionsof magicallysolvingallofourfinancialproblemsbybecomingaTVstar.Whatajoke.Weshotafewepisodesof ashowcalledSomeone’sGottaGo, and then thenetwork tabled the show. In aninstant,mymedia career hit a dead end. I only got paid if we were shooting. Ifoundmyself unemployedandlockedintoacontractfortenmonthsthatpreventedmefrompursuinganothermediajob.

By this point, Chris had finished his MBA and started a thin crust pizzarestaurantwith his best friend in the Boston area. In the beginning, thingsweregoing great. The first location was a home run, the company won Best ofBoston™,multipleregionalawards,andthepizzawasfantastic.Theyopenedupasecondrestaurantand,ontheencouragementof alargegrocerychain,awholesaleoperation.Ontheoutside,itlookedlikebusinesswasbooming.Butonthebalancesheet, thewheelswere starting tocomeoff.Theyhadexpanded tooquickly.Thesecond restaurant failed and the wholesale business needed more cash to grow.Thingsgotscaryveryfast.

Likea lotof smallbusinessowners,wehadpouredourhomeequity lineandlife savings into the restaurant business and it was now disappearing before oureyes.Wehadnosavingsleftandthehomeequitylinewasfullytappedout.WeekswentbywithoutChrisgettingpaid.Liensstartedtohitourhouse.

With me out of work and Chris’s business struggling, the financial pressuremounted;scarylettersfromattorneysseemedtoarrivedailyandchecksconstantlybounced. The collection calls were so relentless that we unplugged the phone.When my dad sent us money to cover the mortgage, I was both grateful andashamed.

Inpublic,wetriedtokeepupappearancesbecausesomanyfriendsandfamilymembers had invested in the restaurant business, which only made the pressureworse.Chris and his partnerwereworking around-the-clock to save it. I tried tokeep an upbeat façade, but on the inside I was overwhelmed, embarrassed, andafraid.Ourfinancialproblemsweretearingusapart.Iblamedtherestaurantsandheblamedmeforpursuingacareerinthemediabusiness.Intruth,wewerebothtoblame.

Nomatterhowbadyourlifecanseem,youcanalwaysmakeitworse.Idid.Idranktoomuch.Waytoomuch.Iwasjealousof friendswhodidn’thavetowork.Iwasbitchyand judgmental.Ourproblemsseemedsobig that IconvincedmyselftherewasnothingIcoulddo.Meanwhile,inpublic,Ijustpretendedeverythingwasfine.

Inhindsight,Icanseethatiswasjusteasiertofeelsorryformyself andblameChrisandhisstrugglingbusinessthantotakealookinthemirrorandpullmyselftogether.ThebestwaytodescribehowIfeltwas“trapped.”Ifelt trappedbymylifeandthedecisionsIhadmade.Ifelttrappedbyourmoneyproblems.AndIfelttrappedinafrustratingstrugglewithmyself.

IknewwhatIshouldorcouldbedoing tomake thingsbetter,butIcouldn’tmakemyself do those things. Theywere small things: getting up on time, beingnicertoChris,gettingsupportfromfriends,drinkingless,andtakingbettercareofmyself.Butknowingwhatyouneedtodoisn’tenoughtocreateachange.

Iwouldthinkaboutexercising,butIwouldn’t.Iwouldconsidercallingafriendtotalk,butIdidn’t.Iknewthatif Itriedtofindajoboutsideof themediaindustryit would help, but I couldn’t motivate myself to look. I didn’t feel comfortablegoingbacktocoachingpeoplebecauseIfeltlikesuchafailuremyself.

IknewwhatIneededtodobutIcouldn’tmakemyself takeaction.Andthat’sthethingthatmakeschangingsohard.Changerequiresyoutodothingsthatfeelhardandscary.Changerequirescourageandconfidence—andIwastappedoutofboth.

What I did do was spend a lot of time thinking. Thinkingmade everythingworse.ThemoreI thoughtabout thesituationthatwewere in, themoreafraidIfelt.That’swhatyourminddoeswhenyoufocusonproblems—itmagnifiesthem.ThemoreIworried, themoreuncertainandoverwhelmedIbecame.ThemoreIthought,themoreparalyzedIfelt.

Everynight,I’dhaveafewdrinkstotaketheedgeoff.I’dclimbinbeddrunkorbuzzed,closemyeyes,anddreamaboutadifferentlife—onewhereIdidn’thavetoworkandallof ourproblemshadmagicallydisappeared.ThemomentIwokeup,Ihadtofacereality:mylifewasanightmare.Iwas41,unemployed,infinancialruin, struggling with a drinking problem, and had zero confidence inmy ormyhusband’sabilitiestofixourproblems.

That’swhere the snoozebuttoncame in. Ihit it…two, three,or four times amorning.WhenIhitthatsnoozebuttonitwastheonemomenteverydaywhereIactually felt like I was in control. It was an act of defiance. It was as if I weresaying,

“Ohyeah?!Takethat,life!****you!I’mnotgettinguprightnow,I’mgoingbacktosleep.So,there!”

BythetimeIfinallygotup,Chrishadalreadyleftfortherestaurants,thekidswereinvariousstatesof dress,andtheschoolbuswaslonggone.Tosaymornings

werechaoticwouldbeputtingitpolitely.Theywereatrainwreck.Wewerealwayslate.Iforgotlunches,backpacks,gymbags,andpermissionslipsasweracedoutthedoor.Ifeltashamedbythenumberof ballsIdroppedeverysingleday.Feelingthatshamejustputmeonedgeevenmore.

And here’s the kicker: I knew what I needed to do to start my day right. Ineeded to get up on time,make breakfast, and get the kids on the bus. Then Ineededtolookforajob.It’snotlikeIhadtoclimbMountEverest.However,thefactthat itwassimplestuff actuallymadeitworse.IhadnolegitimateexcuseforwhyIcouldn’tgetitdone.

Myself-confidencewasinadeathspiral.If Icouldn’tevengetupontime,howthe heck could I have faith in myself to fix the bigger financial and marriageproblemsthatChrisandIfaced?Lookingback,IcanseethatIwaslosinghope.

Haveyouevernoticedhowthesmallestthingscanfeelsohard?Havingheardfromthousandsof you,IknowthatIamnotaloneonthisone.The listof hardthingsissurprisinglyuniversal:

SpeakinginameetingStayingpositiveMakingadecisionFindingtimeforyourself

AskingforfeedbackRaisingyourhandAskingforaraiseEndingself-doubtWorkingonyourrésumé

Hitting“send”onemails

StickingtoyourplanLeavingthehouseVolunteeringtogofirstShowingupatareunionBlockinganexonsocialmedia

Talkingtosomeoneyoufindattractive

Steppingonadancefloor

PublishingyourworkGettingtothegymEatinginmoderationSaying“no”AskingforhelpLettingyourguarddownAdmittingyouarewrongListening

Inmycase, itwasgettingupontime.Lyinginbedeverynight,Iwouldmakepromisestomyself thattomorrowIwouldchange:

Tomorrow,Iwillchange.Tomorrow,Iwillwakeupearlier.Tomorrow,Iwillhaveabetterattitudeandtryalittleharder.Iwillgotothegym.I’llbenicetomyhusband.I’lleathealthy.Iwon’tdrinksomuch.TomorrowIwillbethefutureme!

Andwiththatvision inmindandaheartfullof hope,I’dsetmyalarmfor6a.m.andclosemyeyes.Andthecyclewouldbegintheverynextmorning.Assoonasthatalarmrang,Ididn’tfeellikethe“futureme.”Ifeltliketheoldme,andtheoldmewantedtokeepsleeping.

Yes, I thought about getting up, and then I would hesitate, roll toward thealarm,andhitthesnoozebutton.Fivesecondswasallittookformetotalkmyselfoutof it.

The reason that I didn’t get out of bedwas simple: I just didn’t feel like it. IwouldlaterlearnthatIwasstuckinwhatresearcherscalla“habitloop.”Ihadhitthesnoozebuttonsomanymorningsinarowthebehaviorwasnowaclosed-looppatternencodedinmybrain.

Thenonenight,everythingchanged.

Iwasabouttoturnoff theTVandheadtobedwhenatelevisioncommercialcaughtmyattention.Thereon the screenwas the imageof a rocket launching. Icouldhear thefamousfinal five-secondcountdown,5-4-3-2-1, fireandsmokefilledthescreen,andtheshuttlelaunched.

Ithoughttomyself,“That’sit,I’lllaunchmyself outof bedtomorrow…likearocket.I’llmovesofastIwon’thavetimetotalkmyself outof it.”Itwasjustaninstinct.OnethatIcouldhaveeasilydismissed.Luckily,Ididn’t.Iactedonit.

The fact is, I wanted to solve our problems. I didn’t want to destroy mymarriage or keep feeling like the world’s worst mom. I wanted to be financiallysecure.Iwantedtofeelhappyandproudof myself again.

AndIDesperatelyWantedtoChange.IJustDidn’tKnowHow.

Andthisisanimportantpointinmystory.Thisinstincttolaunchmyself outof bedwasmyinnerwisdomtalking.Hearingitwasatippingpoint.Followingitsinstructionswaslife-changing.Yourbrainandyourbodysendyousignalstowakeupandtopayattention.Thisideaof launchingmyself outof bedisanexampleofthat. Your instinctsmay seem stupid in themoment, butwhen you honor themwithdeliberateaction,itcanchangeyourlife.

There’smore to thispointaboutactingonyour instincts than just thephrase“trustyourgut.”NewresearchfromtheUniversityof Arizona,inpartnershipwithCornell and Duke, has shown that there’s a powerful connection between yourbrainandyourinstincttoact.Whenyousetagoal,yourbrainopensupatasklist.Wheneveryouarenearthingsthatcanhelpyouachievethosegoals,yourbrainfiresupyourinstinctstosignaltogetthatgoalcompleted.Letmegiveyouanexample.

Let’s say you have a goal to get healthier. If you walk into a living room,nothinghappens.If youwalkpastagym,however,yourprefrontalcortexlightsupbecauseyouarenearsomethingrelatedtogettinghealthier.Asyoupassthegym,you’ll feel like you should exercise. That’s an instinct reminding you of the goal.That’syourinnerwisdom,andit’simportanttopayattentiontoit,nomatterhowsmallorsillythatinstinctmayseem.

Subconsciously,mybrainwassignalingmetopayattentiontothisrocketlaunchonTV. In that five-secondmoment,mybrainwassendingmeaveryclear setofinstructions:

Payattention to that rocket launch,Mel.Grab the idea.Believe in it.Anddo it.Don’t stop and think.Don’t talkyourself outof it.Launchyourself outof bedtomorrow,Mel.

That’soneof thethingsI’velearnedusingthe#5SecondRule.Whenitcomestogoals,dreams,andchangingyourlife,yourinnerwisdomisagenius.Yourgoal-related impulses,urges,and instinctsare there toguideyou.Youneedto learn tobet on them. Because, as history proves, you’ll never know when your greatestinspirationwill strike andwhere thatdiscoverywill lead you if you trust yourselfenoughtoactonit.

This is how some of theworld’smost useful inventionswere discovered. In1826,JohnWalkerdiscoveredthematchwhilehewasusingasticktostirapotofchemicals,andwhenhetriedtoscrapeagoboff theend—itignited.Hefollowedhis instincttotrytorecreate itandthis ishowhediscoveredthematch.In1941,GeorgedeMestralinventedVelcro®afternoticinghoweasilycocklebursattachedtohisdog’s fur. In1974,ArtFry got the idea for thePost-It®Notebecauseheneeded a bookmark that would stay put on a page in his hymnal until Sunday’schurchservice,butthatwouldnotdamagethepageswhenheremovedit.

That’sevenhowtheFrappuccinowasborn.In1992,anassistantmanagerataStarbucksinSantaMonicanoticedthatsalesdroppedwheneveritwashotoutside.Hehadaninstincttomakeafrozendrinkandhefollowedit,askingforablender,tinkeringwithrecipes,andgivingaVicePresidentasample.ThefirstFrappucinorolledoutinhisstoreayearlater.

Whenitcomestochange,goals,anddreams,youhavetobetonyourself.Thatbetstartswithhearingtheinstincttochangeandhonoringthatinstinctwithaction.I feel so thankful that I listened tomydumb ideaabout launchingmyself outofbedlikearocketbecauseeverythinginmylifechangedasaresultof it.Here’swhathappened:

Thenextmorningthealarmrangat6a.m.andthefirstthingIfeltwasdread.Itwasdark. Itwas cold. Itwaswinter inBoston and I didnotwant towakeup. Ithoughtabout therocket launchandI immediately felt like itwasstupid.Then,I

didsomethingthatIhadneverdonebefore—IignoredhowIfelt.Ididn’tthink.Ididwhatneededtobedone

Insteadof hittingthesnoozebutton,Istartedcounting.

Backwards.

5..4..3..2..1..AndthenIstoodup.

ThatwastheexactmomentIdiscoveredthe#5SecondRule.

The5SecondRuleThemomentyouhaveaninstincttoactonagoal

youmust

5-4-3-2-1andphysicallymoveoryourbrainwillstopyou.

W

CHAPTERTHREE

WHATYOUCANEXPECTWHENYOUUSEIT

henIusedtheRulethatfirstmorning,Iwasassurprisedasyouarethatsomething that stupid worked. Counting backwards? 5- 4- 3- 2- 1…

seriously? I didn’t know why it worked. I just knew it did. I had struggled formonths towake upon time and suddenly the#5SecondRulemade changingmybehaviorsimple.

LaterIwouldlearnthatwhenyoucountbackwards,youmentallyshiftthegearsin yourmind.You interrupt yourdefault thinking anddowhatpsychologists call“assert control.”The counting distracts you from your excuses and focuses yourmindonmovinginanewdirection.Whenyouphysicallymoveinsteadof stoppingto think, yourphysiology changes and yourmind falls in line. In researching this

book, Idiscovered that theRule is (in the languageof habit research)a“starting

ritual”thatactivatestheprefrontalcortex,helpingtochangeyourbehavior.

Theprefrontal cortex is thepartof yourbrain that youusewhenyou focus,change, or take deliberate actions. I knew what the prefrontal cortex was, but Iwould soon learn through my research about the basal ganglia, habit loops,activationenergy,behaviorflexibility,cognitivebiases,neuralplasticity,theprogressprinciple, and locus of control. I certainly didn’t realize I had just discovered asingulartechniquethatimpactedallof them.

IusedtheRulethenextmorning,anditworkedagain.Andthenafunnythinghappened:Istartedtoseefive-secondmomentsalldaylong,justlikemystruggletowakeupontime.If IstoppedtothinkaboutwhatIknewIneededtodo,Iwastoast.Ittooklessthanfivesecondsforexcusestofloodmymindandformyownbraintostopme.

AsyouusetheRule,you’llseeittoo—thereisafive-secondwindowbetweenyour initial instinct to act and your brain stopping you. Seeing the five-secondwindowchangedeverythingforme.Theproblemwasveryclear.Itwasme.Iwasholdingmyself back,fivesecondsatatime.

SoImademyself asimplepromise:If IknewthatIshoulddosomethingthatcouldchangemeforthebetter,thenIwouldusetheRuletopushmyself todoit,regardless of how I felt. I startedusing theRule to forcemyself tonotonly get upearly,butalsotogettothegym, lookfora job,drink less,andbeabetterparentandwife.

If Istartedtofeeltootiredtoexercise,Iwould5-4-3-2-1andpushmyself outthedoorforarun.

If IstartedpouringadrinkthatIshouldn’thave,I’d5-4-3-2-1andputdownthebottleof bourbonandwalkaway.

If Ifeltmyself beingbitchywithChris,I’d5-4-3-2-1andcorrectmytoneandmakemyself bekinder.

If Icaughtmyself procrastinating,I’d5-4-3-2-1andsitdownandstartworkingonmyrésumé.

WhatIdiscoveredispowerful:pushingyourself totakesimpleactionscreatesachain reaction in your confidence and your productivity. By pushing yourself totake the simple steps of moving your life forward, you create momentum andexperienceasenseof freedomandpowerthat’shardtoaccuratelydescribe.Rachelfoundthatthe“simplestep”of gettingupontime“startedachainof events”thatled to her losing “30 pounds, bought my first home, and reinvigorated mymarriage.”

Rachel used theword “reinvigorated,” and that’s exactly what the Rule does.Rebecca had the same experience. By using the Rule to 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 and pushherself tomakesmallmovesforward,she’sbreakingoutof amentaljail.Nolongertrappedbyanalysisparalysis,Rebeccafeels“FREEforthe1sttimein47years!”

There’sanimportantconceptinpsychologyputforthbyJulianRotterin1954.It’scalled“locusof control.”Themorethatyoubelievethatyouareincontrolofyour life,youractionsandyourfuture, thehappierandmoresuccessfulyou’llbe.There’sonethingthatisguaranteedtoincreaseyourfeelingsof controloveryourlife:abiastowardaction.

Forgetmotivation; it’samyth.Idon’tknowwhenweallbought into the ideathat in order to change you must “feel” eager or “feel” motivated to act. It’scomplete garbage. The moment it’s time to assert yourself, you will not feelmotivated.Infact,youwon’tfeellikedoinganythingatall.If youwanttoimproveyourlife,you’llneedtogetoff yourrearendandkickyourownbutt.Inmyworld,Icallthatthepowerof apush.

Oneof thereasonswhythe#5SecondRuleissoempoweringisbecauseitturnsyouintothekindof personwhooperateswithabiastowardaction.If youtendtooverthinkeverymove, you’lldiscover theenergyandconfidence to stop thinkingand actually move. Using the Rule strengthens your belief that you do have the

abilitytocontrolyourownfate—becauseyouareprovingittoyourself onepushatatime.

Jenneyisfinallytakingcontrolof herhealth.Sherealizedthatwhenshewouldeatamealof “cannedraviolis, abagof chips, anda soda…thencomplainaboutbeingoverweight,”shewassabotaginghereffortstoloseweight.Bycommittingto“5-4-3-2-1-HEALTHY,”JenneywasabletousetheRuletogiveherself the“kickinthearse”sheneeded.

When Donna first learned the Rule at an Aveda Institute Conference shethought,“Yeah,yeahI’lluseit,butit’snotgoingtobelifechanging…”That’showI felt about theRule too—that I’d justuse it asa trick tobeat thesnoozealarm.Boy,wasIwrong!SowasDonna; itchangedjustabouteverything inher lifeandbusiness.AsDonnafound,“Onlywecanholdourselvesback.It’samazingtoseehow horribly I held myself hostage out of fear and where I am today. Moreimportantly,whereIseemyself inyearstocome.”

Asyouuse theRulemoreandmore,you’llbegin to feelcourage,confidence,pride,andasenseof control.TheRulehasthateffect.Ioftentellpeople“theRulewillhauntyou,”andImeanit—justaskDarryl.

That’s because you’ll realize you’ve been sleepwalking through life for a longtime. Something this simple, easy, and effective is also contagious. Crystal hasalreadystartedusingitwithherson:

The first person I told about theRulewasmy husband.Chris had definitelynoticedthechanges, inparticularthatmybitchydemeanorwasmeltingandthatIwasactuallybeingproactive.Itdidn’ttakemuchtoconvincehimthattherewasa“secretweapon”mentalityhewaslivingwithout.

He adopted the Rule and used it to make some major changes. He quitdrinking, startedmeditatingdaily, andexercisingeverymorning.TheRuledoesn’tmakethesethingseasy;itmakesthemhappen.That’swhyIdescribeitasatool.

Insteadof avoidingthecreditorcallsandbankruptcyletters,we5-4-3-2-1tohit it headon. I used 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 to pushmyself to reachout to old coachingclientstorevupthereferralengine.Iused5-4-3-2-1topropelmyself togoon

interviewsforradiohostinggigs,despitethecontractissueswithFOX.Togetherwe5-4-3-2-1topushourselvestomeetwithaccountantsandfinancialadvisorstorestructuredourdebtanddothenauseatingworktofacetheholewehaddug,andgetdisciplinedaboutslowlycrawlingourwayoutof it.

ChrisbroughttheRuleintohisbusinesstopushhimself throughfear,guilt,anduncertainty.He and his partnermet with dozens of advisors, crunched financialmodels,workedday andnightuntil they closed thewholesalebusiness, andgrewtheirretaillocationsenablingthemtoselloff selectlocationsandpaybackasmanyinvestorsandcreditorsthattheycould.It’sremarkablewhatChrisandJonathandid.Grit,hustle,andcommitment.Theypushed,pushed,andpushedsomemore.

Tothisday,whenChrisreflectsontherestaurantdays,hismindwillsometimesdrifttowardfeelinglikeafailure.Whenhecatcheshimself thinkingthosenegativethoughts,heuses5-4-3-2-1 to redirecthismind to thinkaboutwhat theydidbuild:sevenrestaurants,anincredibleemployeeculture,millionsinrevenue,andaremarkablebrand.Did it enduphowhehaddreamt?No, it didn’t.Butwhat helearnedaboutbusiness,partnership,andhimself duringtheprocessisworthmorethanmoneycanbuy.

There’s nothingmore powerful than the feeling of confidence andpride yougain when you keep trudging forward, face life’s challenges head on, and pushyourself tochangeforthebetter.AsChrisputit,“theRulehelpedmeprocesstheexperienceof succeedingandfailing—onsomanylevels.Ultimately,thisawarenessgavemepowerandcontrolovermypositiveandnegativethoughts.”

Aswestartedtoreconnectwithfriends,theRulewouldoftencomeup.You’llfind that too. Jennifer learned the Rule and told her nurse about it. Her nurse’sresponse?“YouhavenoideahowmanytimesI’llneedtodothisaday.”

The Rule ignites something powerful in everyone who tries it. One of ourfriendshadthecouragetoaskforadivorceandanotherlefthisconsultingjobforone that didn’t require travel. Awork pal lost 73 pounds andmy uncle stoppedtalkingaboutgivingupsmokingandfinallyquit.Afriendof Chris’smovedbacktoMaineandusedtheRuletonegotiateanawesomejobworkingremotely.

The #5SecondRule gave them all what it had given me: the framework, thecourage,andthemethodforHOWtopushyourself tochange.

The first time I shared the Rule in public was in 2011 during a TEDx Talkentitled“How to Stop ScrewingYourself Over.”The funny thing is that the talkwasmostly aboutmydream (back then)of becominga top talk radio showhost andhow I help people live the lives that they really want. I only mention the#5SecondRule at the very endof the speech, and I barely even explain it.Whathappenednextwascrazy.Thetalkwentviral.Millionsof peoplewatcheditonline.Andthat’snotall.Theystartedwriting.

Everysingleday,IhearfrompeoplearoundtheworldwhoareusingtheRule,just likeMark.Mark isusing it to create somepretty incredible changes in just 6months:

It’sthecoolestthing.Morethan100,000peopleinmorethan80countries,todate,havewrittentomeabouttheirexperiencesusingit.Asmoreandmorepeoplestarted to write with questions and requests for more information, I began toresearchtheRuleindepthsothatIcouldbetterexplainthemanywaysyoucanuseitandprovewhyitworks.I’malawyerbyprofession,soIreallywentnutsontheresearch.Ilookedforprecedent,evidence,andguidanceasif Iweregoingtohavetoprovemycaseaboutthe#5SecondRuletoajury.

Ittookmealmostthreeyears.IreadeverythingIcouldfindonthesubjectofchange, happiness, habits, motivation, and human behavior. I read social scienceexperiments, happiness research, books on the brain, and neuroscience studies. Ididn’tlimitmyresearchtothe“experts;”Isentquestionnairestoeverydaypeople,likeyouandme,whowereusing theRule.ThenIgoton thephone,Skype, and

GoogleChat,anddugintothestep-by-stepexperiencesof whatsomeonefacesthe

momenttheychoosetochange.

As I deconstructed the moment of change, I uncovered somethingfundamentalabouthoweachandeveryoneof usiswired.Rightbeforewe’reabouttodosomethingthatfeelsdifficult,scaryoruncertain,wehesitate.Hesitationisthekissof death.Youmighthesitateforajustnanosecond,butthat’sallittakes.Thatone small hesitation triggers amental system that’s designed to stop you.And ithappensinlessthan—youguessedit—fiveseconds.

Ever notice how fast fear and self-doubt take over your head and you startmakingupexcusesforwhyyoushouldn’tsaysomethingordosomething?Weholdourselvesbackinthesmallest,mostmundanemomentseveryday,andthatimpactseverything.If youbreakthishabitof hesitatingandyoufindthecourageto“takesome kind of action,” you’ll be astonished by how fast your life changes. That’swhatKeithdiscoveredafterlearningtheRuleataRE/MAXconvention.Nowhe’sableto“doextraordinarythings.”

You see, it’s not the big moves that define our lives; it’s the smallest ones.Withinfivesecondsof stoppingtothink,you’llhavedecidednottotakeanyactiononthosesmallthings.Overtime,thosesmalldecisionsbuild.Andhere’sthekicker:We’ve repeated this pattern of hesitating, worrying, and doubting ourselves somuch,thattheseactionsarenowhabitsthathaveencodedinourbrains.

The fact thathesitating,holding yourself back, andoverthinking arehabits isgood news.There’s a simple, provenway to break or replace bad habits and the#5SecondRuleistheeasiestwaytodoit.Onceyoureadabouthabitloops,startingrituals,activationenergy,andtherolethatfeelingsplayintriggeringyourdecisions,you’llappreciate themagnitudeof the#5SecondRule.Asyouuse theRule,you’llseehowchangehingesonfiveseconddecisionsand justhoweasilyyoucan takebackcontrol.

TheRulewillworkeverytimeyouuseit.Butyouhavetouseit.Itisatool.Ifyoustopusingit,fearanduncertaintywillcreepbackinandtakecontrolof yourdecisions.If thathappens,juststartusingtheRuleagain.

Asyouuse theRuleover time,you’llexperienceashift insideyourself that ismuchdeeper,atransformationthatimpactsconfidenceandinnerstrength.Youwillcomefacetofacewiththeexcuses,habits,feelings,insecurities,andfearsthathavehauntedyouforyears.Youwillseethebullshityouputyourself througheverydayandhowmuchprecioustimeyouwastewaitingforthingstochange.

ByusingtheRule,thatwaitingwillend.Youwillbeabsolutelyamazedbyhowmuchjoyandfreedomyoufeelbymakingfive-seconddecisions.FreedomisexactlyhowRobindescribedwhatshegetsfromusingtheRule.

And that’s what I’ve gained too—life-changing freedom. The person I wassevenyearsago ... isgone.Andthat’sagoodthing.Everyphaseof your lifeandcareerwillrequireadifferentyou.UsingtheRule,you’llbecomethepersonyou’remeanttobecomeinthisnextphaseof yourlife.

So,whatdoyousaywedigintothebasicsof theRulesoyoucanstartusingit?

O

CHAPTERFOUR

WHYTHERULEWORKS

ver the years, I’ve received lots of questions about the #5SecondRule. Iwantedtostartyour introductiontousing theRulebyansweringsomeof

themostfrequentlyaskedquestionI’vereceivedaboutthisawesometool.

WhatExactlyIsthe#5SecondRule?

TheRuleisasimple,research-backedmetacognitiontoolthatcreatesimmediateandlastingbehaviorchange.Metacognition,bytheway,isjustafancywordforanytechnique that allows you to beat your brain in order to accomplish your greatergoals.

HowDoIUsetheRule?

UsingtheRuleissimple.Wheneveryoufeelaninstinctfireuptoactonagoalor a commitment, or the moment you feel that yourself hesitate on doingsomethingandyouknowyoushoulddo,usetheRule.

Startbycountingbackwards toyourself:5-4-3-2-1.Thecountingwillhelpyoufocusonthegoalorcommitmentanddistractyoufromtheworries,thoughts,andfearsinyourmind.Assoonasyoureach“1,”move.That’sit.It’ssosimplebutletmehammerthishomeonemoretime.Anytimethere’ssomethingyouknowyoushould do, but you feel uncertain, afraid, or overwhelmed…just take control bycountingbackwards5-4-3-2-1.That’llquietyourmind.Then,movewhenyougetto“1.”

Counting and moving are actions. By teaching yourself to take action whennormally you’d stop yourself by thinking, you can create remarkable change.Counting backwards does a few important things simultaneously: It distracts youfromyourworries,itfocusesyourattentiononwhatyouneedtodo,itpromptsyoutoact,anditinterruptsthehabitsof hesitating,overthinking,andholdingyourselfback.

If you are wondering if the Rule works if you count forward 1- 2- 3- 4- 5,insteadof backwards5-4-3-2-1,theanswerisno—itdoesn’t.JustaskTrent.

AsTrentdiscovered,if youcountup,youcankeepcounting.Whenyoucountbackwards5-4-3-2…thereisnowheretogoafteryoureach“1,”soitisaprompttomove.

WhyIsItCalledthe#5SecondRule?

I get this question a lot. And I wish I had a better answer. I called it the“#5SecondRule” because that’s the first thing that popped into my mind themorningIfirstusedit,andthisnamstuck.Remember,Ihadseenarocketlaunchthenightbeforeandthoughttomyself,“I’lljustlaunchmyself outof bed—likearocket!”Thenextmorning,Icountedbackwards5-4-3-2-1—becausethat’swhatNASAdoeswhenitlaunchesaspaceship.Istartedwith5fornoparticularreasonotherthanitfeltliketherightamountof timetogivemyself.

I’vecometolearnthattherearea lotof other“5secondrules”intheworld,like the one about eating food off the floor, the five-second shot clock inbasketball,thegameEllenDeGeneresplaysonhertalkshow,andthefive-secondtestyoucandotoseeif asidewalk’ssurfaceistoohotforyourdogtowalkon.

HadIknownmyRulewouldspreadaroundtheworld,Imighthavecomeupwith a more original name. But in hindsight, all these #5SecondRules havesomething in common.They require you tophysicallymovewithin a five-secondwindow.

Physicalmovementisthemostimportantpartof myRule,too,becausewhenyoumoveyourphysiologychangesandyourmindfollows.Perhapsthenameisnotonlyapropos—it’sactuallyperfectbecauseitreferencesotherfive-secondwindowsinlife,andthatmakestheRulefeelthatmuchmorefamiliar,universal,andtrue.

TheRuleSoundsLikeNike’sTagline“JustDoIt”…

Thedifferencebetween“JustDoIt”andthe#5SecondRuleissimple.“JustDoIt”isaconcept—it’swhatyouneedtodo.The#5SecondRuleisatool—it’showyoumakeyourself doit.

There’sareasonwhy“JustDoIt”isthemostfamoustaglineintheworldandresonatesacrossallcultures.Doyouknowwhatmakesthetaglinesopowerful?It’stheword“JUST.”

ThewordJUST is in therebecauseNikerecognizessomethingwe’ve talkedalotabout in thisbook—rightbeforeweact,wefirststopandthink.“JustDoIt”acknowledgesthatwe’reallstrugglingtopushourselvestobebetteranddobetter.Weall hesitate andwrestlewithour feelingsbeforewe jump in.Theword JUSTtellsusthatwe’renotalone.Everysingleoneof ushasthesesmallhesitations.

It’s themoment right before you ask to join the pick-up game that’s alreadyunderway,themomentyoucontemplatewhethertodoathirdsetof reps,orwhenyoustarttoquestionwhetheryou’llheadoutthedoorforaruninthepouringrain.

The tagline acknowledges that you have excuses and fears and Nike isencouragingyou tobebigger than them.Come on…don’t thinkabout it…JUSTDOIT.Iknowyou’retired…JUSTDOIT.Iknowyouareafraid…JUSTDOIT.

Nike’staglineispushingyoutomovepastthatdoubtandgetinthegame.Nikeknows that there’s greatness inside of you, and it’s on the other side of yourexcuses.Itresonatesprofoundlybecauseeverysingleoneof us,evenanOlympicathlete,needsaPUSH.Andthat’swherethe#5SecondRulecomes in; theRule ishow you push yourself when no coach, competitor, parent, screaming fan, orteammate is there to push you. With the Rule, you just 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 to pushyourself.

IsThereaFive-SecondWindowofOpportunityforEveryone?

Yes.Thereisawindowforeveryonebetweenthemomentyouhaveaninstinctto change and your mind killing that instinct. While your mind starts working

againstyouinnanoseconds,thebarrageof thoughtsandexcusesdon’tseemtokick

intofull forceandstopyouforafewseconds.Thefive-secondwindowseemstoworkforeveryone.

Thatsaid,byallmeansplayaroundwithittomakeitworkforyou.Personally,Inotice that the longer I wait between my initial impulse to act and physicallymoving,thelouderthattheexcusesget,andtheharderitbecomestoforcemyselftomove.AsAngelafound,thosefive-seconddecisions“turnedinto50secondsandthen500secondswhenthefearwasdeeper.”Shenowtreatsthe#5SecondRuleasif herbrainwill“self-destruct”atzero:

If itworksforyoutoshortenorlengthenthewindow,personalizetheRuletomakeitworkforyou.

Matt,agoodfriendof myhusbandandmyself,wastrainingforhisfirstToughMudderrace.HelivesinNewJerseyandhesentthistexttomyhusbandduringthefreezing cold winter. He had shrunk the window to three seconds because henoticedhowfasthismindwouldgotoworktostophim.

“TellyourgirlfriendMelthatthe5secondruleisworkingoverhere.Ihaveitdowntothreeseconds.Whycontemplatelife’scomplexitieswhenyoucanbemovingaheadafterjust3seconds.In5secondsIcanmakeupatleast2excusesinmymind.Inthreesecondsmymindhasalreadypushedthefirstbuttononmyphonetomovetheballahead.AsIawokethismorningImistakenlycheckedthethermometer(thattook2seconds,butinthatthirdsecondIstartedtoputonmyrightsneaker.”

That ishowthesysteminyourbrainworks—the longer thatyouthinkaboutsomething,theloweryoururgetoactbecomes.Weareamazingatfoolingourselvesintostayingexactlywhereweare.Assoonasthatimpulsetoactkicksin,youstartrationalizingitaway.That’swhyyou’vegottomovefaster—soyoucanbreakfreeof yourexcusesbeforeyourmindtrapsyou.

WhatCanIUseItFor?

Over the years,we’veheard thousandsof examplesof howpeople are usingtheRuletoimprovetheirlife,relationships,happiness,andwork.Buteveryexamplefallsintooneof threedistinctcategoriesforhowyoucanuseit.

•YouCanUseIttoChangeYourBehaviorYoucanusetheRuletopushyourself tocreatenewhabits,pullyourself away

fromdestructivehabits,andmastertheskillsof self-monitoringandself-controlsothat youcanbemore intentional andeffective in your relationshipswithyourselfandothers.

•YouCanUseIttoActwithEverydayCourageYoucanuse theRule todiscover the courage youneed todo things that are

new,scary,oruncertain.TheRulewillquietyourself-doubtandbuildconfidenceasyoupushyourself topursueyourpassions,shareyourideasatwork,volunteerforprojectsthatstretchyou,createyourart,andbecomeabetterleader.

•YouCanUseIttoControlYourMindYou can use the Rule to stop the barrage of negative thoughts and endless

worriesthatweighyoudown.Youcanalsobreakthehabitof anxietyandbeatanyfear.Whenyoutakecontrolof yourmind,you’llbeabletothinkaboutthingsthat

bringyoujoyinsteadof focusingonthenegative.Andthat, inmyopinion, isthe

mostpowerfulwaytousetheRule.

WhyDoesSomethingSoSimpleWork?

TheRuleworksbecauseitissosimple.Thereareallkindsof trickywaysyourbrainkillsyoururgetoact.Someof mymostfavoriteresearchers,professors,andthinkershavewrittenbestsellers anddelivered epicTEDTalksdetailinghowourown minds betray us with a seemingly endless list of tricks including cognitivebiases,theparadoxof choice,thepsychological immunesystem,andthespotlighteffect.Whatallthesegreatresearchershavetaughtmeisthatthemomentyouwanttochange,breakahabit,ordosomethinghardorscary,yourbraingoestoworktostopyou.

Basically,yourmindtricksyouintothinkingthingsthrough.Andthemomentyougettrickedintodoingthis,you’llgettrappedbyyourthoughts.Yourmindhasamillionways to talk youout of acting.That’s the neurological reasonwhy it’s sohardtochange.AsImentionedinChapterOne,changerequiresyoutodothingsthat are uncertain, scary, or new.Your brain, by design,will not let you do suchthings.Yourbrainisafraidof thingsthatfeeluncertain,scary,ornew,soitwilldowhateveritcantotalkyououtof doingthosethings.Itispartof yourhard-wiring,and thishesitationhappensreally fast.That iswhyyouhave toactevenfaster tobeatit.

TheRuleleveragesandisanexampleof somepowerfulandprovenprinciplesinmodernpsychology: abias towardaction, internal locusof control,behavioralflexibility, the progress principle, starting rituals, the Golden Rule of Habits,authentic pride, deliberate action, “If-Then planning,” and activation energy.Throughout this book, you’ll learn more about these principles as we go intogreaterdetailabouthowyoucanusetheRuleinspecificareasof yourlife.

HowCanOneRuleWorkOnSoManyAreasofMyLife?

The#5SecondRuleactuallyonlyworksononething—you.Youstopyourselffrom changing the exact same way every single time—you hesitate, then youoverthink,andyoulockyourself inmentaljail.

Thatmomentof hesitation is akiller.Hesitation sendsa stress signal toyourbrain. It’s a red flag that signals something’swrong—and your brain is goes intoprotectionmode.Thisishowwearewiredtofail.Thinkaboutthisforaminute.

Youdon’thesitatealltime.Forexample,youdon’thesitatewhenyoupouracupof coffeeinthemorning.Youdon’thesitatewhenyouputonyourjeans.Youdon’thesitatewhenyouturnonthetelevision.Youdon’thesitatetocallyourbestfriend.Youdon’tthinkatall.Youjusthavetheinstincttocallyourfriend,andyoupickupthephone,andyoucallthem.Butwhenyouhesitatejustbeforemakingasalescallortextingsomeoneback,itmakesyourbrainthinkthatsomethingmustbewrong.Thelongeryouthinkaboutthatsalescall,thelesslikelyyou’llmakeit.

Mostof usdon’tevenrealizehowoftenwehesitatebecausewe’vedoneitsooftenthatit’sbecomeahabit.Here’showTimdescribeditafterusingtheRule:

“Honestly,IthinktheRuleispowerfulsimplybecausekeepingitonthetipof yourthoughtsallowsyoutoprocessandstartonactivitiesyouwouldnormallyglossoverandignore.Ialsokeepsaying,“Whatthehell,I’mleaningintothis.”So,it is powerful because it helps you break the formally embedded thought patterns about doing things and allows (meanyway)tosafely‘goforit’.Seriously,whywasIafraidof doingsomeof thethingsIamnowdoing?ItwasneverlikeanythingIdidordidn’tdowasgoingtoendtheworld.”

Butwhatyouwillsoonlearnisthatmomentof hesitationcanalsobeusedtoyouradvantage.Everytimeyoucatchyourself hesitating,itisapushmoment!Thefive-second window is opened and it is time to 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 to push yourselfforwardandbebiggerthanyourexcuses.

Seeingthe5-4-3-2-1countdowncanserveasavividreminderof theRuleanditsimportance.Arthungthenumbersonhisofficewalltokeephimmotivatedandmovingforwardalldayatwork:

CantheRuleCreateLastingBehaviorChangeToo?

TheRulewillbeatthebrain’soperatingsystemtohelpyouwinthebattlewithresistanceinthemoment.Butdoyouknowwhatelse?Overtime,asyourepeattheRule,youdestroythatsystemalltogether.Onethingmostof usdon’trealizeisthatpatternsof thinkinglikeworrying,self-doubt,andfeararealljusthabits—andyourepeat these thought patterns without even realizing it. If everything you do tosabotageyourhappinessisahabit,thatmeansyoucanfollowthelatestresearchtobreakthehabitsof:

WaitingDoubting

HoldingbackStayingsilentFeelinginsecure

AvoidingWorry

Overthinking

There isa“GoldenRuleof Habits”and it isverysimple: Inorder tochangeanybadhabit,youmustreplacethebehaviorpatternthatyourepeat.IwillexplainthisindetailinPart4of thebook.I’llteachyouhowtoendthementalhabitsofworrying,anxiety,panic,andfearusingthe#5SecondRuleincombinationwithallthelatestresearch.

Fornow,whatyouneedtoknowisthis—the#5SecondRuleanditscountdowntrick,5-4-3-2-1-GO,willbecomeyournewbehaviorpattern.Insteadof holdingback,you’ll5-4-3-2-1topushforward.Thecountdownisalsowhatresearcherscalla“startingritual.”Startingritualsinterruptyourbaddefaultpatternsandtriggernew,positivepatterns.

If youmastertheRuleyouwillreprogramyourmind.Youwill teachyourselfnewbehaviorpatterns.Insteadof defaultingtoworry,hesitation,andfear,youwillfindyourself automatically actingwithcourage.Over time, asyou takemoreandmore steps forward, you’ll discover something else—real confidence andpride inyourself.Theauthentickindthatcomeswhenyouhonoryourgoalsandaccomplishsmallwinsthatareimportanttoyou.

Everythingthatyouthinkmightbesetinstone,includingyourhabits,mindset,and personality are flexible. The implications of this for your life are absolutelythrilling.Youcanchangeyour“default”mental settingsandyourhabitsone five-seconddecisionatatime.Thosesmalldecisionsadduptomajorchangesinwhoyouare,whatyoufeel,andhowyoulive.

Changeyourdecisionsandyou’llchangeyour life.Andwhatwillchangeyourdecisionsmorethananything?Courage.

Ifyouhavethecouragetostart,youhavethecouragetosucceed.

PART2

THEPOWEROFCOURAGE

B

CHAPTERFIVE

EVERYDAYCOURAGE

efore I discovered the #5SecondRule, if you had asked me to give youexamplesof courage,Iwouldhavegivenyoualistof historymakers.Iwould

neverhavesaidthatcourageiswhatittakessomedaystogetoutof bed,speaktoyourboss,pickupthephone,orsteponascale.Iwouldhavetoldyouthatcourageisawordusedtodescribeactsof hugebravery.

Courageouspeople,inmyview,weretheNobelPrizewinnersMalalaYousafzai,LeymahGbowee, theDalaiLama,AungSanSuuKyi,NelsonMandela, andElieWiesel.IwouldhavethoughtaboutWinstonChurchillandBritainstandinguptofightagainstNaziGermany,RosaParksstandingupforherrighttokeepherseat

on the bus, andMuhammadAli steadfast in his religious beliefs and refusing to

fight in Vietnam. I would have been reminded of HelenKeller, who triumphedoverherowndisabilitiestoadvancetherightsof others;of SirErnestShackleton,whoovercameshockingodds to rescue thecrewof theEndurance;orof Galileo,whochallengedtheOrthodoxChurchtoadvancescience.

But after using the Rule for seven years and hearing from so many peoplearoundtheworld,Ihavelearnedaveryimportantcertainty:Everydaylifeisfullofmoments that are scary, uncertain, and difficult. Facing these moments andunlockingtheopportunity,magic,andjoyinyourliferequirestremendouscourage.

Courageispreciselywhatthe#5SecondRulegivesyou.TheRulegaveJosethecouragetobelieveinhisvalueandaskforaraise.

Onceheaskedforoneandgotit,andtherewasasurprisewaitinginhisnextpaycheck—abiggerone.

TheRulegaveBrycethecouragetoputtwoyearsintowritingandpublishingacookbook. And he didn’t stop there. He got Barnes andNoble to host a booksigning.AsBryceputsit,“youcanachieveanythingthatyouarepassionateaboutandarewillingtoworkfor.”

What’sevencooler?Brycewasonly15atthetime!

TheRulehelpedMartinpushthroughnineyearsof “oneexcuseafteranother”and slamming“on thosebrakeshard” togoback to school andpursuea secondmaster’sdegreethatwillgivehimamorefulfillingcareer.

Juanitalearnedtolistentoherinnerwisdom.Insteadof “thinking”aboutajobsearchandacompanyherfriendrecommended,shepickedupthephoneandcalled“rightnow”—andguesswhatshegot?Exactlywhatshepushedherself togoandget—adreamjob.

Learningaboutthe#5SecondRulewasaturningpointforGabe.Afterrealizing“that Iwas responsible for everything that happened inmy life,”Gabe used theRule to change his life by starting his ownVirtualReality company.Today, he iscreatingthecareerof hisdreams.

Kristin’slifehasbeenforeverchangedbecauseherboyfriendnowhasawaytobattlehisdrugaddiction.Wheneverhefeelsthedesiretogo“backtooneof thosedrugs,”heuses the#5SecondRule tofighthisaddictionandretrainhismind.Hecountsbackwards5-4-3-2-1tohimself totriggernewbehaviorand“hismindsetcompletelychangesandhegoesabouthisday.”

Courageis,infact,whatIneededtogetoutof bed.Itwasscarytogetoutofbed because itmeant facingmy problems. It was difficult to lookmyself in themirrorandaccept the fact that Iwas41yearsoldandmy lifeandcareerwere inprettylousyshape.ItwasoverwhelmingtoconsiderImightnotbeabletofixthesituationmyhusbandandIwerein.

Courage iswhatmy daughter needs to put down the pen in her high schoolhistoryclassandraiseherhand.It’swhatyourteamneedstoescalateitsconcernstoyouandit’swhatyourkidsneedtotellyouwhat’sreallygoingon.Puttingyour

onlineprofileuponadatingsiteorblockingyourexonyourphonecanfeellikean

actof bravery.Socanadoptingnewtechnologyforyourbusinessorwalkinginthedoorof yourhomeandfacingyourproblemshead-oninsteadof pouringadrinkandzoningoutinfrontof theTV.

AsIbegan towrite thisbookandstartedcollectingstoriesof peoplearoundtheworldusingtheRule,itbecameclearthatinsideeverydecisionthereexistfivesecondsof couragethatcanchangeeverythinginourlives.

Themoretheword“courage”cameup, themoreIbegantowonder if therewas something about one of themost historicmoments of courage that wouldhelpmebetterunderstandthenatureof courageitself.ThefirstpersonthatcametomindwasRosaParks.Youprobablyknowthestoryof howRosaParkssparkedthe modern American Civil Rights Movement on a chilly December evening in1955whenshequietlyrefusedtogiveupherseatonthebusforawhitepassenger.

Hermomentof courageteachesusall that it’snotthebigmovesthatchangeeverything—it’sthesmallestonesinyoureverydaylifethatdo.Shedidn’tplantodowhat shedid thatnight.Mrs.Parksdescribedherself as thekindof personwhotried to “be as careful as possible to stay out of trouble.” The only thing sheplannedondoingthateveningwastogethomeafteralongdayatworkandhavedinnerwithherhusband.Itwasjustanevening,likeanyotherevening—untilonedecisionchangedeverything.

Curious,IduginandresearchedeverythingIcouldfindaboutMrs.Parks,fromtheNationalArchives,biographies,radiointerviews,andnewspaperarticles.WhatIfoundisincredible.Justweeksafterherarrest,shegavearadiointerviewtoSidneyRogersonPacificaRadioandtheNationalArchiveswebsitehasarecordingof it.Here’showshedescribedthathistoricmomentinherownwords:

Asthebusproceededoutof townonthethirdstop,thewhitepassengershadfilledthefrontof thebus.WhenIgotonthebus,therearwasfilledwithcoloredpassengers,andtheywerebeginningtostand.TheseatIoccupiedwasthefirstof the

seatswheretheNegropassengers,uh,takeasthey—onthisroute.Thedrivernotedthatthefrontof thebuswasfilledwithwhitepassengers,andtherewouldbetwoorthreemenstanding.

Helookedbackand…demandedtheseatsthatwewereoccupying.Theotherpassengersveryreluctantlygaveuptheirseats.ButIrefusedtodoso…Thedriversaidthatif Irefusedtoleavetheseat,hewouldhavetocallthepolice.AndItoldhim,“Justcallthepolice.”

Thentheradiointervieweraskedherthemillion-dollarquestion:

“Whatintheworldevermadeyoudecidetobethepersonwhoafteralltheseyearsof JimCroweandsegregation,whatmadeyouatthatparticularmomentdecideyouweregoingtokeepthatseat?”

Sherepliedverysimply,

“IfeltthatIwasnotbeingtreatedrightandthatIhadarighttoretaintheseatthatIhadtakenasapassengeronthatbus.”

Hepressedheragainnotingthatshehadbeenmistreatedforyears,andwantedtoknowwhatmadeherdecide in thatmoment—and in the interview,shepausedforasecondandthensaid:

“ThetimehadjustcomethatIhadbeenpushedasfarasIstandtobepushed,Isuppose.”

Heaskedherif sheplannedit—andshesaid,

“No.”

He asked her if it just sort of happened. She agreed that it “just sort ofhappened.”

Thisisacriticaldetail:RosaParksdidn’thesitateorthinkitthrough.Ithappenedsofast,shejustlistenedtoherinstinctstellingher“Iwasnotbeingtreatedright,”andshepushedherself tofollowthem.

Sinceshedidn’thesitate,therewasnotimetotalkherself outof it.

Coincidentally, fourdays later, inthatsamecityof Montgomery,Alabama,onDecember 5, 1955, there was another five-second decision that changed history.

TheMontgomeryImprovementAssociationwasformedinresponsetoMrs.Parks’arrestanda26-year-oldblackpreacherwasvotedbyhispeerstoleadthe381-daybusboycott that ensued.Onbeingnominated to lead theboycott thatnight, theyoungpreacherwouldlaterwrite:

“IthappenedsoquicklythatIdidnothavetimetothinkitthrough.Itisprobablethatif Ihad,Iwouldhavedeclinedthenomination.”

Thank goodness he didn’t think it through. He would become one of thegreatestcivilrightsleadersof alltime.HisnamewasDr.MartinLutherKingJr.

Dr.Kingwaspushedintothespotlightbyhispeers.Rosapushedherself.Theybothexperiencedthepowerof apush.It’samomentwhenyour instincts,values,andgoalsalign,andyoumovesoquicklyyoudon’thavetimeoravalidreasontostopyourself.

Yourheartspeaksandyoudon’tthink,youlistentowhatyourhearttellsyoutodo.Greatnessisnotapersonalitytrait.It’sinsideallof usandsometimesit’shardforustoseeit.Mrs.Parkswasdescribedbyallwhoknewherasquietandshy,andDr.Kingfamouslystruggledwithself-doubtandfearinthebeginningdaysof theCivilRightsmovement.

Reflectingbackontheradiothatnightin1956,Mrs.Parkssaid,“Ihadn’tthoughtIwouldbe theperson todo this, ithadn’toccurred tome.”Itprobablyhasn’toccurredtoyoueitherwhatgreatthingsyoumightbecapableof achievingatworkandinyourlifetime.Her example showsus thatwe are allmore than capable of finding thecourageto“actoutof character”whenthemomentmatters.

It is true, asRosaParks explainedon air in that 1956 interview, that shewaspushed“asfarasIcouldstandtobepushed”byasystemof discrimination.Butinthatsingular moment, she was pushed forward by something way more powerful:herself.

That’swhatcourageis.It’sapush.Thekindof pushwegiveourselveswhenwestand up, speak up, show up, go first, raise our hand or dowhatever feels hard,scary,oruncertain.Donot lookatourheroes inhistory,business,art,andmusicandassumethatsomehowtheyaredifferentthanyou.It’snottrue.

Courage isabirthright. It is insideeachandeveryoneof us.Youwereborn with it and you can tap into it anytime you want. It’s not a matter ofconfidence, education, status, personality, or profession. It’s simply a matter ofknowinghowtofinditwhenyouneedit.Andwhenyouneedit,you’llprobablybealone.

It’sgoingtobejustyousittinginameetingatwork,standinginyourkitchen,riding the subway, looking at your phone, staring at your computer, or thinkingaboutsomething—andallof sudden,itwillhappen.Somethingwillgodown,andyour instincts will come alive. You’ll have an urge to act. Your values and yourinstinctswilltellyouwhatyoushoulddo.Andyourfeelingswillscream“NO.”Thatisthepushmoment.Youdon’thavetohavealltheanswers.Youjusthavetomakeadecisioninthenextfiveseconds.

Danisaloneathiscomputerthinkingaboutregisteringforsummerclasses.Hewants to earn his college degree but at the age of 44, the idea of starting as afreshmanisnothingshortof terrifying.

CourageiswhatChristineneedsasshe’ssittinginamarketingmeetinginPlano,Texas.Shehasagreatideatosharebutwonders,Isthisgoingtosoundstupid?

Tom is standing in a bar inChicago. Themoment he sees her he can’t lookaway.He can either turn back toward his friends and pretend to care about thefootballgamethey’rediscussing,orfindthecouragetostartwalkingtowardher.

Theentiresalesorganizationof afinancialsoftwarecompanyfeelsdiscouragedinNashville. They’ve hit their numbers three years in a row, and quotas just got

raisedyetagain.

Alice in England needs to push herself out the door to go on a run. She’sinspiredbyherfriendonFacebook,butfeelsdiscouragedbyhowlongit’sbeensinceshelastexercised.

Halfwayaroundtheworld,Patelcan’tstopthinkingaboutafriendwhosesonjustdiedinacaraccident.Hedoesn’tknowwhattosay,andthethoughtof losinghisownsonterrifieshim.Hetellshimself,Itwillbeeasierif Iwaitafewdays,buttheurgetopickupthephone,stopbythehouse…todosomethinglingers.

InChina,Syhasjustsignedonasadistributorforanewskincareline.Shehasat leastadozenpeople shewants tocall.She looksatherphoneandhesitates—whatif theythinkI’mbeingpushy?

InQueensland,Australia,Toddknowsexactlywhathewantstodowithhislife,anditisn’tstudyinglaw,it’sphysicaleducation.ButbeforeToddcantakecontrolofhisfuture,he’llneedtofacehisparents’disappointment.

AndMarkislyinginbedinAuckland,Australia,whereit’s10:30p.m.Heturnsandlooksathiswifeasshereadsherbook.Hewouldlovetomakelovetoher,butheassumesshe’snotinthemood;hewantstoleanoverandkisshershoulderbuthe fears rejection. He needs courage to lean toward her after so many months offeelinglikeherroommate.

Thesestoriesarerealandtheyarejustthetipof theiceberg.Theyhighlightthestrugglebetweenourdesiretochangeourlivesandourfearof it.Theyalsorevealthepowerthateverydaycouragehastotransformeverything.

SethGodin oncewrote “a different part of our brains is activatedwhenwethinkaboutwhat’spossibleratherthanwhat’srequired.”Ibelievethesameistruewhenwethinkaboutbeingcourageous,ratherthanfocusingonthefearsthatstop

us. It’s the difference between focusing on the solution rather than the problem,

andthattinyswitchismentallyliberating.

There’s something powerful about framing my struggle to get out of bed,Patel’sstruggletocallhisfriend,asalesorganization’sstruggletoembraceahighersalesgoal,andAlice’sstruggletoexerciseasactsof everydaycourage.

Afterall,courageisjustapush.

Whenyoupushyourself, youmaynot change theworld, the laws,or sparkacivil rights movement but I can guarantee you’ll change something equally asimportant—you’llchangeyourself.

ThereisonlyoneYOU.

Andtherewillneverbeanotherone.

That’syourpower.

T

CHAPTERSIX

WHATAREYOUWAITINGFOR?

om is celebrating a new piece of business with his colleagues at Stetson’sSteakhouse inside the Hyatt Regency Hotel in downtown Chicago. He is

crushinghisquotafortheyearandthewintodaywillputtheterritoryhemanagesahead on the leaderboard. Fourmonths ago, he threw himself into his job at afinancialtechcompanyafterhiswifemovedout.It’sbeenawelcomedistractionashetriestopickupthepiecesof hispersonallife.Heturnstowardthebartendertoorderanotherround,andthat’swhenheseesher.

She’sstandingjustacrossthebar,laughingwithherfriends.There’ssomethingabout her.He can’t quite put his finger on it.He thinks aboutwalking over andtalkingtoher,buthehesitates.Hestartstowonderif it’stoosoontoputhimselfoutthere.Hebeginstofeeluncertain:Wouldawomanthathotgoforaguywithtwokids?

Tomhasadecisiontomakeandhe’llmakeitinthenextfiveseconds.

Intheamountof timeittakestostartwalkingacrossabar,Tomcouldstarttorebuildhislife.Intheamountof timeittakestoraiseyourhandinameeting,youcanchangehowyouareperceivedatwork.Intheamountof timeittakestoopenyourmouthandcompliment someone,youcouldbrightensomeone’sday.And ifyoudon’t, themomentwillpass, like itdidforBlakeandnowshewantsto“kickmyself.”

Whateverreasonyouusetoholdyourself back—youarewrong.It’snotsafertostayquiet.It’snotbettertokeepthepeace.It’snotfutiletotry.It’snotrisky.Youare wrong. All your excuses and reasons are wrong. There is no “right time” toimproveyourlife.Themomentyoumoveyou’lldiscoveryourstrength.That’sthewaytobringtheREALyoutothetable—bypushingtherealyououtof yourheadandintotheworld.Andthebesttimetodoit, isrightnowwhenyourhearttellsyoutomove.

We waste so much of our lives waiting for the right time to have theconversation, ask for the raise, bring it up,or start things. It remindsmeof that

famousWayneGretzkyquote:“Youmiss100%of theshotsyoudon’ttake.”Here’sthething—youneverregrettheshotsyoudotakebutyoualwaysregretholdingback.Anthonyrealizedthisthehardway:

Lifeisalreadyhard,yetwemakeitsomuchharderwhenwelistentoourfears,weconvinceourselves towait,andweholdourgreatestselvesback.Wealldo it.And not just in bars. We hold ourselves back at work, at home, and in ourrelationships.

Thequestionis,whydowedothis?Theanswerisbrutal.Youcancallitafearof rejection,ora fearof failure,ora fearof lookingbad.The reality is,wehidebecauseweareafraideventotry.

IhadaconversationafewmonthsagowithmydaughterKendallthatillustratesjust how deadly this waiting game can be to your dreams. To give you somebackground,Kendall is fifteen and a very talented singer. From themoment shewakesupuntilthemomentshegoestobed,she’ssinging.

Recently, one of her mentors recommended her for an audition with thedirectors of a musical in New York City. He had placed kids on tour withLesMisérables,MaryPoppins, andMatilda.He thoughtKendallhadaverygoodchanceof landingarole.

The second the topic came up, she said she “wanted to audition” but neverwrotehermentorbackaboutit.Iaskedherwhyshewaswaiting.Itwasfascinatingandheartbreaking tohearhowher thoughtsand feelingshad trappedher.Funnyenough, she wasn’t afraid of the audition itself. At least not when she thoughtaboutit.Itwaseverythingthatmighthappenaftertheaudition.

She said that she didn’t want to try out because, “What if I didn’t make it,Mom?Whatif IamnotasgoodasIthinkIam?If Idon’taudition,atleastIcantellmyself thatI’mamazing—I’mjusttoolazytohavewhatIwant.”

Now we were getting somewhere. The fear of sucking, of not being goodenough,of feelinglikealoser—noneof uswantstofacethatreality.Soweavoiditliketheplague.Iactuallydoitwithexercise.IcanpretendI’mindecentshapeaslongasIavoidit.ThemomentIhitthegymIhavetofacereality.Andtherealityisthatwithintwominutesof runningonatreadmill,IhavetogothebathroomandI’moutof breath.I’mnotingreatshapeatall.Ihavealotof worktodo.That’swhywe dodge challenges—to protect our egos, even if itmeans eliminating thepossibilityof gettingwhatwewant.

IlistenedtoKendalltalkaboutherfearthatshewasn’tgoodenough,andthenaskedheronesimplequestion:

“WhatIfYou’reWrong?”

It’s a powerful question, and we don’t ask it nearly enough. What if you’rewrong?Whatif youauditionandyoureallyareasgoodaseveryonesays?Whatifyour idea actually is the nextmillion-dollar business?What if younot onlymeetyourquotaagainthisyear,butyoualsoactuallysurpassit?Whatif beingsingleisn’tasscaryasyouthinkandyourtruesoulmateis justdaysawayfrombumpingintoyou?Areyoureallygoingtoletyourworriesstopyoufromdoingthework,havingthelovelife,andbeingyourgreatestself ?Youdamnwellbetternot.

Andevenif youdosuck—there’sanotherthingyoucansaytoyourself:

SoWhat!?

Sowhatif yousuck?Atleastyoutried.AsfarasI’mconcernedlandingtheroleis irrelevant.Just likethewomanTomsawat thebar is irrelevant.Theonlythingrelevantisyou.Thepower is insideof you.Theonlywayyouaccess thatpower ispushingyourself totry.Thegreatestyoushowsupattheaudition,walksuptothegalorguyatthebar,andraisestheirhandandtheirvoiceatwork.

You’llneverstopyourself fromstartingtoworryaboutsomething.Butyoucanstopyourself fromlettingthoseworriesdragyouintoaparadeof worriesthattakecontrol of yourmind.You can assert yourself and push yourself to think aboutsomethingempowering.Youstepback into thepresentmomentandgoforwhatyouwant.Andyoucandoitinfivesecondsflat.

Weareallguiltyof thinkingaboutgetting involvedbutnotdoing it.We’reallwaiting “for the right time.” It’s total stupidity. In a recent survey, 85% ofprofessional services employees admitted theywere withholding critical feedbackfrom their bosses. Why? You already know the answer—they’re waiting for the“right time.”The same is true for your kids, your spouse, your friends, and yourcolleagues.

All human beings are wired this way. One of the most insightful andenlighteningaspectsof AdamGrant’sincrediblebookOriginals:HowNon-ConformistsMovetheWorldiswhenhedescribeshowsomeourgreatestheroesarejustlikeusinthis simple regard: they hesitated, doubted themselves, and almost missed theopportunitiesof theirlifetimesbecausetheydidn’tfeelready.Ifinditreassuringtoknow that the people we admiremost needed to be pushed through their fears,excuses,andfeelings,justlikeyouandme.

You knowMichelangelo, the artist who painted the Sistine Chapel in Rome?There’sabackstoryyoumightnotknow.AccordingtoGrant,whenthePopeaskedMichelangelotopainttheSistineChapelin1506,Michelangelofeltsooverwhelmedwithself-doubtthathenotonlywantedtowait,buthealsoactuallyfledtoFlorenceandhid.ThePopehadtostalkMichelangeloandpesterhimfor twoyears togethimtoagreetopaintit.

Wanttohearanotherone?HowaboutonerelatedtoApple?In1977,whenaninvestorofferedSteveJobsandSteveWozniakfundingto launchApple,Wozniakfeltsoafraidanduncertainhewantedto“waitawhile”beforehequithisjob.Hedidn’tfeelready.Hewaspushedby“Jobs,multiplefriends,andhisownparents”tomaketheleap.

Remember the stories in the last chapter about Dr. Martin Luther King Jradmitting he would have declined the nomination to lead the MontgomeryImprovementAssociation“hadhethoughtitthrough”?OrRosaParks’admissionthatsheneverthought“shewouldbetheonetodothis”?Inthemoment,neitheroneof themstoppedtothink.Theydidn’twaittofeelready.That’swhatweallneedtodo.Weareallcapableof greatness.Ibelievethat.Itisourfeelingsandfearsthatconvinceusnowisnottherighttimeandkeepusfromachievinggreatness.

Grantthenwritesthis line inhisbook,whichmademyheartfeelheavy:“Wecan only imagine howmanyWozniaks,Michelangelos, andKings never pursued,publicized, or promoted their original ideas because they were not dragged orcatapultedintothespotlight.”Thequestiontoaskyourself isthisone:

WhatAreYouWaitingFor?

Are youwaiting for someone to ask you, drag you, pick you, or catapult youintothespotlight,orareyouwillingtofindthecouragetopushyourself ?Areyou

waitingtofeelready?Waitingfortherighttime.Waitingtogainconfidence.Waitingtofeellikeit.Waitingtofeelworthy.Waitinguntilyouhavemoreexperience.

Sometimes there is no next time, no second chance, or no time out. Stopwaiting.It’snowornever.Whenyouwait,youaren’tprocrastinating.Youaredoingsomethingmoredangerous.Youaredeliberately convincing yourself “now isnotthetime.”Youareactivelyworkingagainstyourdreams.

Paulacouldhaveconvincedherself thatshewould“neverqualify”foragreatjobopportunity.Shewouldhavebeenverywrong.

IjustappliedforajobIneverthoughtIwouldqualifyforbecauseIfigured,“whynotjusttryit?”Ididn’tfocusonmyshortcomingsbutemphasizedmyqualitiesandgotthejob.PreviouslyIwouldhaveforgottenaboutitafter5secondsandnoteventriedbytheway;–)

–Paula

By“emphasizingherqualities”insteadof focusingonhershortcomings,Paulawasabletopushpastherfearsandlandthejob.

Youmaythinkyou’reprotectingyourself fromjudgment,rejection,orupsettingsomeone, but when you make excuses and talk yourself into waiting, you arelimitingyourabilitytomakeyourdreamscometrue.I’mamazedbyhowmuchtimeI’vewastedinmylifewaitingfortherighttime,waitinguntilI’msure,waitinguntilIthinkmyworkisperfect,orwaitinguntilIfeellikeit.

Youmaybeafraidof findingoutthatyousuck,likemydaughterwas.Letmetell you what really sucks: being older and regretting that you never went for it.Being30andrealizingyouletfearof whatyourfriendsthoughtkeepyoufromeverreallyputtingyourself outtherewhenyouwereyounger.Friends,bytheway,whoyounever talk toanymore.Being56andrealizingyoushouldhavedivorcedyourspousetenyearsago.Being45andwishingyouhadhadthecouragetotakeonaproject at work that you now realizewould have changed the trajectory of your

career.Or sitting in college classes earning a degree toplease yourparentswhenknowinginyourheartthatyouwanttobedoingsomethingelsewithyourlife.

Thereisnorighttime.Thereisonlyrightnow.Yougetonelife.Thisisit.Andit’snotgoingtobeginagain.It’suptoyoutopushyourself tomakethemostof itandthetimetodoitisrightnow.

YouValidateYourIdeasByPursuingThem

It’sheartbreakingtohearfromsomanyof youwithacreativeideaorproductconceptthatarewaitingforsomeoneelsetovalidateit.It’ssosadbecausewaitingforvalidationwillbethedeathof yourdreams.If youhaveanideaforashoworabook,andyouarewaitingforanexecutiveataTVnetworkorapublishinghousetopickyou,youwilllose.It’slikeTominthebarhopinghissoulmatewilljustwalkuptohimandpickhim.OrmewaitinguntilIfeltmotivatedtowakeupandgetoutof bed.Waitinguntilyouarereadywillnotmakeithappen.Theworlddoesn’tworkthatway.

Theworldrewardsthosewhoarecourageousenoughtostopwaitingandstart.If youdreamof beingontelevision,Icantellyoufromfirst-handexperiencethattheTVexecutiveyouhopediscoversyouisactuallyonYouTuberightnowlookingforsomeonewhodidn’twait.Thepersonwhohasthecouragetostart,create,andputthemselvesandtheirideasoutthereistheonewhowillwin.

TheonlydifferencebetweenthatideaforanovelyouwanttowriteandBritishauthorE.L.JameswhowrotetheblockbusterFiftyShadesof Gray trilogy(thatwasdevouredbynearlyeverywomanontheplanetEarthandsoldamillioncopiesinfourdays) is thefactthatshedidn’twaitforpermission,therighttime,ortofeelready.Shedidn’twaituntilshehadabookdeal.Infact,shestartedwritingeroticaonaTwilight-themedblog!Shefoundthecouragetostart insmallways,andputherself outthereoverandoveruntilshebuilttheconfidencetowriteabook.And

FiftyShades of Graywas that book. Itwas self-publishedby aworkingmomwhowroteinherfreetime.Yup.

By theway, that’s alsohowGrammyaward-winningmusicianEdSheerangotdiscovered.Hewas15yearsoldplayingsongsinaparkinEnglandwithnopermitand no guarantee that anyone would notice. That’s how you do it. You pushyourself to getoutof your comfort zone and youbegin.There is nootherway.You stop waiting for “the right time” and you start. That’s how award-winningBroadCity landed its hit showonComedyCentral. They actedwith courage andstartedfilming3-minuteclipsonaniPhoneandpostingthemonYouTube.

AndeverysingleYouTubestar,fromTylerOakley,tomake-uptutorialphenomMichellePhan, to“MyDrunkKitchen”hostHannahHart, toMinecraftnarrator“StampyCat,”will tellyou that if theyhad told themselves towaituntil they feltready or until they had a sponsor, theywould still be living a boring life insteadcreatingalifeof theirdreamsandlaughingallthewaytothebank.

Waiting, thinking, and “almost doing it” don’t count. As Kyra explains, tochangeanythingyouactuallyhavetodoit.#AlmostDoesntCount

Thedifferencebetweenpeoplewhomaketheirdreamscometrueandthoseofuswhodon’tisjustonething:thecouragetostartandthedisciplinetokeepgoing.

TheRuleisagame-changerbecauseit5-4-3-2-1forcesyoutogetoutof your

headandstartandit’ll5-4-3-2-1helpyoukeepgoing.

And thatbringsusback toTomat thebar in theHyattRegency inChicago.Willhestartwalkingtowardthegirlacrosstheroomordecidetowait?Well…thatdepends.ItdependsonwhoismakingthedecisionforTom.WillitbeTom’sheartthatmakesthedecisionorhishead?WillitbeTom’sdreamsthatwinorwillitbehisfears?RosaParksofferssomeamazingadviceformomentslikethisone—Tomneeds todowhat“mustbedone.”Tomknows inhisheartwhatmustbedone.Heneedstostartlivingagain.

Waitingwon’thelp.Waitingwillonlymakeitworse.Whenyousitwithfearanduncertaintyyourmindmakesitexpand;it’scalled“thespotlighteffect”andit’soneof themanytricksyourbrainplaysinanattempttokeepyou“safe.”

The fear Tom feels is real. The uncertainty is scary. The self-doubt can becrippling.Noonewantstoberejectedorfeellikeafool.Noonewantstofindoutthatthey“suck.”

That’s why the moment right before you walk into a networking meeting, aparty,aninterview,acafeteria,orstartwalkingtowardsomeoneyoufindattractive,itcanfeeldaunting.Wethinkaboutwhatcouldgowrongorhowawkwarditwillfeelif noonewelcomesus,insteadof allthepossibilities.

But safety isn’twhatTomwants.Tomwants to rebuild his life and find loveagainandthat’sgoingtotakecourage.Asscaryasitistakingthatfirststeptotheothersideof thebar,Tomisabouttodiscoverthatallthemagic,wonder,andjoyinlifehappensthemomenthedoes.

Youcanfeeluncertainandbeready.Youcanbeafraidanddoitanyway.Youcanfearrejectionandstillgoforit.

FiveSecondsofCourageChangesEverything

Tomstartscountingtohimself,“5-4-3-…”andbythetimehegets to2,hestartswalkingacross the room.Hehasno ideawhathe’ll say toher.Hisheart isracing,butforthefirsttimeinalongtimehedoesn’tfeelnumb,hefeelsalive.Thecloserhegetstoher,themorehisheartraces.Sheturnsaroundjustashereachesher.Whathappensnextis…irrelevant.

Itdoesn’tmatterwhathappensbecausesheeitherbecomeshissoulmateorshedoesn’t. The ending of the story is irrelevant—the only thing thatmatters is thebeginningof thestory, thatTommadeachoice tobegin livingagain.That’showyoulistentoyourheart.Whetheryouarestartingtodateagain,startingacompany,orstartingaYouTubechannel,youmustfindthecouragetostart.

NoticehowwedesperatelywantanassurancethatTom“gotthegirl.”Itmakesfor a greatmovieplot, but “getting the girl” isn’t thepoint.Life isn’t aNicholasSparksnovel.Life isgrittyandhardandthensuddenly it isbrilliantandamazing.Besides,thegirlcouldbeengaged.Shecouldbegay.Shecouldbearealbitch.Evenif she’samazingandtheyenduphavingcrazyhotsexorgoontogetmarried,“thegirl”isnotthesourceof powerinthestory.Tomis.

The treasure in your life isburiedwithin you. It’snot insideof someoneelse.Tomis thesourceof power inhis lifeandyouarethesourceof power inyours.You unlock that powerwhen you listen to your instincts and 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 pushyourself tohonor them.When youdiscover your “inner true self ” itwill be the“mostimportantgiftof all.”

Jean-Baptistealsosawthis.Hewrotetomethatherealized“thatnobodywasgoingtocomeandgetmetolivethelifethatIwanttoliveandthattakingactionistheonlywaytocreatemyownspaceintotheworld.”

JustasJean-Baptistesaid,Ialso“believethateverybodycouldbringsomethingnewandoriginaltotheworldwelivein.”Thepotentialformassivegreatnessexistsinsideeverysingleoneof us.

Thewaythatyouactivatethepowerof youisbyfindingthecourageyouneedeverysingledaytopushyourself forward.Whenyoulistentoyourinstincts(“getupand face the day,Mel,” “suck it up and start walking, Tom,” “take care of your nephews,Catherine,”“don’tgiveupyourseat,Rosa”)—it’sclearwhatyoumustdo.

There is nodebatewhen you followwhat’s inside yourheart.Theonly thingthatwillquietthechatterinyourheadisadecisiontomove.AsIsaidintheverybeginning of the book, you really are just one decision away from a completelydifferentlife.

Weareallsoafraidof uncertaintythatwewantaguaranteebeforeweeventry.Wewantevidencethatif wetakeariskwewill“getthegirl”too.Evenif Tomgetsthegirl,it’snotproof thatyouwill.“Gettingthegirl”or“theguy,”forthatmatter,isanumbersgame.Toplayanygame,youhavetostart.Towin,you’llneedtokeepgoing.If youwanttomakeyourdreamscometrue,getreadyforthelonggame.

Lifeisnotaone-and-donesortof deal.You’vegottoworkforwhatyouwant.Do you know the game Angry Birds? Rovio, the brand that created the game,launched 51 unsuccessful games before they developedAngryBirds.How aboutTheAvengersstarMarkRuffalo?Doyouknowhowmanyauditionshedidbeforehelanded his first role? Almost 600! Even Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times. Myfavoritevacuumcleaner isaDyson.Andthere’snowonderwhyitdoesn’tsuckatsuckingupthedirt.JamesDysoncreated5,127prototypes!What?Andthislastonewill blow yourmind. Picasso created nearly 100masterpieces in his lifetime.Butwhatmostpeopledon’tknowisthathecreatedatotalof morethan50,000worksof art.

Didyouseethelastnumber?50,000.That’stwopiecesof artaday.Successisanumbersgame.Andyou’renotgoingtowinitif youkeeptellingyourself towait.Themoreoftenthatyouchoosecourage,themorelikelyyou’llsucceed.

Whenyou5-4-3-2-1pushyourself forwardyou’lldiscoverthemagicinyourlifeandyouopenyourself uptotheworld,toopportunity,andtopossibility.Youmightnotgetthegirl,thepart,ortheresponseyouwantedbutthat’snotthepoint.In the end, you’ll get somethingway cooler—you’ll discover the power inside ofyou.

Holdon.Letmeoverthinkaboutit.

I

CHAPTERSEVEN

YOU’LLNEVERFEELLIKEIT

t’sahotafternooninPlano,Texas,andawomannamedChristineissittinginameetingatwork.Herbosshascalledthemeetingtodiscussideastohelpclosea

massivepieceof consultingbusiness.It’sdowntotwocompaniesandthedecisionwillbemadenextweek.Christineis listeningandtakingnoteswhensuddenlyshethinksof anout-of-the-boxidea:

Whatif wecreateacustomSnapchatgeo-filterandtagittotheprospect’sofficebuilding…everyoneatthebuildingusingSnapchatwillseeitandthatwillcreatebuzzaboutourcompany.

Hermind starts to racewithall kindsof cool things that theycoulddo.Theconversation among her colleagues is winding down and the VP of BusinessDevelopmentsays,“Thesearegreatsuggestions,anyoneelse?”

Christine has a decision to make and she’ll make it in the next fiveseconds

Sheknowssheshouldjumpintotheconversation,butfirstshestopstothink.Isthisgoingtosoundcrazy?Nooneelsesuggestedanythingevenclosetothiskindof thing.Sheshifts in her chair. Is there a reason no one else has mentioned Snapchat? Now she’squestioningwhethersheshouldsharetheideaatall.

In thenext five seconds,Christinewill eitherdecide tosaynothing,apatternthat’s become a habit at work, or she will find the courage to speak up. Plus,Christinehasagoal.Shewants toadvance inhercareerand isworried that she’sgoing to get “passed over” for more senior roles if she doesn’t improve herexecutivepresence.She’sbeenspendingalotof timefiguringoutwhatsheneedstodoandshewrotetomebecauseshewasstrugglingwithherabilitytomakeherselfdoit.Herconfidenceistakinganosedive.

She had devoured fantastic books likeLean In, Tribes, DaringGreatly, andTheConfidence Code. She has attended women’s conferences, listened intently to hermentor, and practiced power posing in her mirror at home. Thanks to all thisresearch and reading,Christineknows what she needs to do (share strategic ideas, beproactive,leanin,bemorevisible,andvolunteerforprojectsthatstretchher),andsheknowswhysheneedstodothesethings.

You’reprobablywonderingwhyonearthChristinedidn’t just speakupwhenshehadthechance.Greatquestion.

The answer is simple: she’s losing the battle with her feelings. Christine isn’tstruggling with speaking. She’s struggling with self-doubt. Of course Christineknowshow to speak inameeting.What shedoesn’tknowhow todo isbeat thefeelingsthatarestoppingher.

If you’veeverwonderedwhy it’s sohard tomakeyourself do the things thatyouknowwillsolveyourproblemsandimproveyourlife,theanswerissimple.It’syourfeelings.Noneof usrealize it,butwemakealmosteverysingledecisionnotwith logic,notwithourhearts,notbasedonourgoalsordreams—butwithourfeelings.

Andourfeelings inthemomentarealmostneveralignedwithwhat’sbestforus.TakeChristineasanexample.Sheknowswhat’sbestforher:tospeakup.Inthemoment, however, her feelings are making her second-guess herself. Study afterstudyshowsthatweoptforwhatfeelsgoodnoworfeelseasierratherthandoingthethingsthatweknowinourheartswillmakeusbetterinthelongrun.

Themomentthatyourealizeyourfeelingsaretheproblem,younowhavetheabilitytobeatthem.LookathowquicklyChristine’sfeelingsroseinthatmeetinginPlano, Texas. In less than five seconds, self-doubt started to fill her mind. Ithappens toallof us.Andonceyouunderstand the role feelingsplay inhowyoumakeadecision,youwillbeabletobeatthem.Here’swhatyouneedtoknow:

YouMakeDecisionsBasedOnHowYouFeel

Weliketothinkthatweuselogicorconsiderourgoalswhenwemakedecisionsbut that’s not the case. According to neuroscientist Antonio Damasio, it’s ourfeelings that decide for us 95%of the time.You feel before you think.You feelbeforeyouact.AsDamasioputsit,humanbeingsare“feelingmachinesthatthink”not“thinkingmachinesthatfeel.”Andthat’showyouultimatelymakedecisions—basedonhowyoufeel.

Damasiostudiedpeoplewhohaddamagetotheirbrainsandcouldn’tfeelanyemotions at all and he discovered something fascinating—none of his researchsubjects couldmake a decision.They could describe logicallywhat they should do

and the pros and cons of the choice, but they couldn’t actually make a choice. Thesimplestdecisionslike“whatdoIwanttoeat?”wereparalyzing.

WhatDamasiodiscoveredisparamountforyoutounderstand.Everytimewehave a decision to make, we subconsciously tally all the pros and cons of ourchoicesandthenmakeagutcall,basedonhowwefeel.Thishappensinananosecond.That’swhynoneof uscatchesit.

Forexample,whenyouaskyourself thequestion,“WhatdoIwanttoeat?”youare actually asking yourself, “What do I feel like eating?” Similarly, I wasn’t asking,“ShouldIgetup?”Subconsciously,Iwasasking,“DoIfeellikegettingup?”Tomwasn’tasking,“DoIwant towalkover toher?”Subconsciouslyhewasasking,“DoI feel likewalkingovertoher?”Christinewasdoingthesamethingatwork.Shewasn’tasking,“Should I share my idea?” Subconsciously, she was asking, “Do I feel like sharing myidea?”

Huge difference. And that explains why change is hard. Logically, we knowwhat we should do, but our feelings about doing it make our decision for us. Yourfeelingswillmake thedecisionbefore you even realizewhathappened.Howyoufeelinthemomentisalmostneveralignedwithyourgoalsandyourdreams.If youonlyactwhenyoufeellikeit,youwillnevergetwhatyouwant.

Youmust learnhowtoseparatewhatyoufeelfromtheactionsthatyoutake.The#5SecondRuleisaremarkabletoolinthisregard.

Themomentyoufeeltootired,you’lldecidenottogoforarun,but5-4-3-2-1-GO,andyoucouldmakeyourself goforone.

If youdon’tfeellikeattackingtheto-dolistonyourdesk,youwon’t,but5-4-3-2-1-GO,andyoucanforceyourself tostartworkingonit.

If youdon’tfeelworthy,you’lldecidenottotellhimwhatyoureallythink,but5-4-3-2-1-GO,andyoucanmakeyourself sayit.

If youdon’tlearnhowtountangleyourfeelingsfromyouractions,you’llneverunlockyourtruepotential.

Here’showfeelingskeepyoufromchanging.Whenyoustoptoconsiderhowyoufeel, you stop moving toward your goal. Once you hesitate, you’ll start thinkingaboutwhatyouneedtodo,you’llweightheprosandcons,you’llconsiderhowyoufeelaboutwhatyouneedtodo,andyou’lltalkyourself outof doingit.

Ihavesaiditbefore,andI’llsayitagainbecauseitissoimportant.Youaren’tbattling your ability to stick to a diet, execute a business plan, repair a brokenmarriageandrebuildyourlife,hityoursalesgoals,orwinoverabadmanager—youarebattlingyourfeelingsaboutdoing it.Youaremore thancapableof doing theworktochangeanythingforthebetter,despitehowyoufeel.

Youcan’tcontrolhowyoufeel.Butyoucanalwayschoosehowyouact.

Everwonderhowproathletesachievesomuch?Partof itistalentandpractice,but anotherkeyelement is a skill that youand Ineed inour lives—theability toseparatefromouremotionsandpushourbodiesandmouthstomove.Theymayfeeltiredasthefootballgamedragsintothefourthquarter,buttheydon’tacttired.Feelings are merely suggestions, ones the greatest athletes and teams ignore. Tochange,youmustdothesame.Youmustignorehowyoufeel,andasNikewouldtellyou,JustDoItanyway.

Everyone struggles with their feelings of self-doubt. Just ask Lin-ManuelMiranda,creatorof thesmashhitHamilton thatwon11TonyAwards in2016. IttookhimsixyearstowriteHamilton.Youmaydreamof writingthenextHamilton,andyouverywellmight.Justdon’tforgetthatittookMirandasixyearstowritethatshow.Andhehadtobattlehisfeelingsof self-doubteverystepof theway.

HerecentlyputupthispostonhisTwitterpage.It’sapostof aconversationbetweenMiranda and his wife, Vanessa. Three years beforeHamilton debuted to

sell-outcrowdsand$1,000tickets,Mirandawasstillwritingthemusicalandhewasstrugglingwithhisfeelingsof self-doubt:

“Ihaveahardtimefindingthebalancebetweennotbeatingmyself upwhenitdoesn’thappenasfastasI’dlikeitto,andnotwastingtimewhileIwaitforittohappen.”

What did Miranda do? He pushed himself and kept writing. That’s why hepostedthisonhispage:toremindeveryonethatweareallthesame.Weallstrugglewiththesameself-defeatingfeelingsandtheonlywayoutisthrough.So,5-4-3-2-1suckitupand“Getbacktoyourpiano.”

I lovewhathiswifesaid too:“Everyonehas thatproblemall the time.”She’sright.Wealldoubtourselves.Thatisthetruth.Thebiggestmistakeyoucouldmakeistobuyintotheliesyourfeelingsaretellingyou.Donotwaituntilyoufeellikeit.5-4-3-2-1Getbacktoyourpiano.

Let’sgobacktothatmeetinginPlano,Texas,whereChristinehasadecisiontomake.Inthepast,assoonasshefeltuncertain,shewouldhavejustlookeddownathernotepad,saidnothing,andinfiveseconds,themomentwouldhavebeenover.If one of her colleagues had raised a similar idea (as colleagues often do), she’dspendtheafternoonbeatingherself upfornottalking.

Buttoday,Christinedoessomethingdifferent.Shedreadswhatsheisabouttodoandshecanfeelthefivesecondwindowclosingasherownbrainfightsher.HerstomachisinknotsassheappliestheRule.

Shestartscountingbackwardssilentlyinherheadtoquiettheself-doubtandtoswitchthegearsinherbrain.

5..4..3..2..1..Thecountinginterruptshernormalpatternof behavior,distractsherfromher

fears, and creates a moment of deliberate action. By asserting control in thatmoment,sheactivatesherprefrontalcortexsothatshecandriveherthoughtsandactions.Thensheopenshermouthandsays,“Ihaveanidea.”

Everyoneturnsandlooksather,andChristinefeelslikeshemightjustdierightthere.Sheforcesherself tokeepmovingforward.Shesitsupalittletaller,takesupa littlemore spaceby slidingher elbowswider across the table (aspowerposingsuggestswedo),andstartstospeak:SoIhadthisidea,youknowhowstatisticallyalltheseMillennialsareusingSnapchatasaplatformto…

Everyone listened toher idea, asked a fewquestions, and thenherboss said,“Thanks, Christine. Very interesting suggestion. Anyone else?” On the outside, nothingearth-shattering happened, but on the inside something life-changing did. Shediscoveredthecouragesheneededtobecomethepersonshealwayswantedtobeatwork—arockstar.

WhatChristinesaidisn’tthepoint.It’sthatshesaidanythingatallthatmakesthis moment powerful. Sharing her idea for a social media campaign changedsomething way more important than the marketing strategy of a company. ItchangedChristine.Itnotonlychangedhowshebehaved,butitalsochangedhowsheviewedherself.Itevenchangedhermindset.Thisishowyoubuildconfidence—onefive-secondmoveatatime.

SheusedtheRuletoreachdeepinsideof herself tofindalittlecourage.Andbyspeakingup,whennormallyshe’dholdback,sheprovedtoherself onarandomafternooninaconferenceroominPlano,Texas,thatshewasinfactgoodenoughandsmartenoughtocontributeideasatwork.

Itwasasmallbutmonumentalstep.Andittookcourage.TheRuleisHOWshetookariskandwasabletoapplytheadvicethatweallknowworks.ItwasHOWsheleanedinasSherylSandbergurges,outsmartedthelizardbrainasSethGodinimplores,actedlikean“Original”asGrantchampions,anddaredgreatlyasBrenéBrownempowersustodo.

Isaidearlyonthat theRule isa tool thatcreates immediatebehaviorchange.And that’s exactly how Christine used it. That’s how you’ll use it too. By beingdeliberate, Christinewas able to beat the feelings that normally stopped her andbecomemoreassertiveinhercareer.ThemorethatsheusestheRuletoexpressherideas,themoreconfidentthatshewillbecome.

Confidenceisaskillthatyoubuildthroughaction.SocialpsychologistTimothyWilson writes about a psychological intervention, “do good, be good” that dates toAristotle. Its premise is based on changing people’s behavior first, which in turnchangestheirself-perceptionof thekindof personthattheyarebasedonthekindsof thingsthattheydo.

Thisispreciselywhythe#5SecondRuleisyourally.It isatoolforactionandforbehaviorchangealignedwithyourgoalsandcommitments.Itisnotatoolfor

thinking,andattheendof theday,youaregoingtoneedtodomorethanthinkif

youwanttochangeyourlife.

Wilson clearly agrees.Hehas said that, “ourminds aren’t stupid. It’s not likeyoucanjusttellyourmind, ‘ThinkPositively.’You’vegottonudgeita littlemorealong.”Ibelieveyoumustdomorethannudge.Youmustpushrightthroughthefeelingsthatstopyouanddotheworktobreakthehabitsthatholdyouback.Andthen, you need to replace each and every one of these destructive habitswith ahabitof courage.

Atthenextmeeting,Christinewillneedtopracticeeverydaycourage.Shewillhavesomethingtosayandshe’llfeeluncertainanduncomfortable.Shewilldoubtherself asshe isabouttoshareher ideas,andthen,she’llhesitateandfeelherselfresist.That’sthepushmoment.It’samomentwhenyourvaluesandgoalswillalign,butyourfeelingswilltellyou“NO!”Christinewillneedtousethe#5SecondRuletopushherself tospeak.

ThemorethatsheusestheRule,thefastershewillbreakherhabitof stayingsilentinmeetingsandreplaceitwithanewhabit:courage.ThemorethatChristineisable toexpressher trueself andbringout the ideas insideher, themorealive,connected,andempoweredshe’llbecome.

Nateknowsexactlyhowempoweringthatfeels—heisusingthe#5SecondRule“everydaynow”topushhimself togrowhiswellnessbusiness:

Pushing herself to “get out of my comfort zone” is how Carol found thecourage to achieve one of her #lifegoals #bucketlist—presenting to her nursingcolleaguesataprofessionalconference.

WhenAlexandrawasinvitedtogiveapresentationatwork,herheadwasfullofexcuses. In “a matter of 5,4,3,2,1” she acted on a “moment that changedeverything”—andthatgavehertheconfidencetoteach“apostgraduationclass!”

Thereasonwhyitissofreeingtousethe#5SecondRuleisbecauseyouarenotonly seizing the moment, you are also taking ownership of your life. You arechanging your “NOs toYESes.”As Jim says, “neverunderestimate thepowerofyou”—he’s used the Rule to beat “analysis paralysis” and have “one incredibleyear.”

AsWilsonandAristotlesaid,“Dogood,begood.”Changeyourbehaviorfirstbecausewhenyoudo, youchangehowyouperceiveyourself.That’s exactlywhatAnna Kate discovered while using the #5SecondRule. She’s a marketingprofessionalwhousedtostayquietwhentheroomwaswatching,worriedthathercolleagueswould thinkshe’s“sillyand inexperienced”only to learn thatonceshefoundthecouragetochangeherbehavioratwork,somethingsheneverexpectedhappened—her“creativityflourished.”

“HiMel,

Hereismy5Secondrulestory:

WhileIreluctantlydragmyself outof bed(in5seconds)inordertodomy30before7:30(inspiredbyyou!)andothermorningroutines,mycareerhasbeenimpactedthemostbythe5secondrule.

I’minmarketing,soweareconstantlyonalertfornewideas.Eachnewideacantakeoff anddevelopintoafulloncampaigngarneringmajorresultsforourclients.Yep,justonelittleinkling.Inordertokeepitalltogether,IliketocarryasmallnotebookinmybagwithmewhereverIgoanduseittojotdownquicktasksbutmostlyideas.

Withthe5SecondRule,Idon’tthinkitoutorconsiderthelongtermlifeof myidea,nordoIsendituptheladderforapproval-I’lldealwiththatlater.Ijustneedtogetitonpaper.Later,Irevisitandtakethetimetoevaluateasoundstrategy.

Iusedtobesuchasissywhenitcametosharingideasorevenwritingthemdown!Iwasself-consciousandworriedaboutwhatpeoplewould think,or if theywouldseemeas sillyand inexperienced.SinceIhave castedmyscaredy cat

syndromeaside,mycreativityhasflourished.Now,Ican’trememberwhatIwassoworriedaboutinthefirstplace.

Thankyouforthe5SecondRule!

P.S.Myteamactuallydigsmyideas:)

AnnaKate”

Youcan feel like a “scaredy cat,”but5- 4- 3- 2- 1 actbrave.At theheartofeverydaycourageisachoice.Fivesecondsatatimeyoumakeadecisiontodo,say,or pursue what’s truly important to you. That’s why there’s such a tight bondbetweencourageandconfidence.Everytimeyoufacedoubtand5-4-3-2-1rightpastit,youprovetoyourself thatyouarecapable.Everytimethatyoubeatfearand5-4-3-2-1do itanyway,youdisplay innerstrength.Everytimeyousmashyourexcusesand5-4-3-2-1sayit,youhonorthegreatnessinsideof youthatwantstobeheard.That’showconfidencegrows—onesmall,courageousmoveatatime.

ShouldhaveCouldhaveWouldhaveDid.

T

CHAPTEREIGHT

HOWTOSTARTUSINGTHERULE

hefastestwaytoimplementthe#5SecondRuleistostartbyusingittheexactsame way I did. Here’s a simple Wake Up Challenge that you can do

tomorrow morning to jumpstart your use of the Rule. Just set your alarm 30minutes earlier than usual, and the moment it rings count 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 pushyourself outof bed.

ChangeIsSimple,NotEasy

Thereareafewreasonswhythischallengeisimportant.

First,there’snowiggleroom.Thechallengeisstraightforward.It’sjustyou,thealarmclock,and5-4-3-2-1.If youfail,it’sbecauseyoumadeadecisiontoblowoff the#5SecondRule.

Second, if you can change yourmorning routine, you can change anything.Changerequiresyoutoactdeliberately,despitehowyoufeel.If youcanmasterthatinoneareaof yourlife,youcandoitinanyareathatyouaretryingtoimprove.

Third,Iwantyoutoexperienceaconceptcalled“activationenergy”andfeelhowharditreallyistopushyourself todosimplethings.Inchemistry,“activationenergy” is theminimumamountof energyrequired tobeginachemical reaction.Chemists have found that this initial amount of energy ismuch higher than theaverageamountof energyneededtokeepthereactiongoing.Whatdoesthathavetodowithgettingup?Alot.Theinitialamountof energytopushyourself outofbedismuchhigherthantheenergyyouexertonceyou’reupandmoving.

LegendarypsychologistMihalyCsikszentmihalyiappliedthisconcepttohumanbehavior,blamingactivationenergyasoneof thereasonswhymakingchangeissohard. He defines activation energy as that “initial huge push of energy that’srequiredtochange”—whetherit’stogetastalledcartomoveforwardoryourselfoutof awarmbedinthemorning.

JeromefromthePhilippineswrote:

“Itfeelsuncomfortablebecausemybodyandmymindarenotreadyforthiskindof rule.ButI’mwillingtopracticeit.”

Thatfirstboutof activationenergyissouncomfortable,butIwantyoutofeelthatresistancesoyoulearnwhatit’sliketopushyourself.

If youdon’tgetthathugepush(likeyoudidasakidwhenyourmotherturnedoff theTVandsaid,“It’sabeautifulday,getoutsideandgodosomething.”)yourbrainwillinevitablytakeyoudownthepathof doingnothing.

Whenyoustarttocount5-4-3-2-1,itisthebeginningof achainreactionthatnot only awakens the prefrontal cortex, but also gets you ready to make thatphysical“initialhugepush”that’srequiredtochange.

When you get up themoment that alarm rings, it gives you personal power.Thisonesmallactof gettingupwhenthealarmringsdemonstratesthatyouhavetheinnerstrengthtodowhatneedstobedone.Plus,asEmmadiscovered,itwillgiveyoua“muchmorepositiveoutlookontheday.”

That’salsowhatTraceyexperienced.Bywakingupat5a.m.andusingtheRuletopushheroutof bedandtothegym,Tracywasabletostartherdayonapositivenote.

If youcan’tgetyourself outof bed,thenyou’llneverbeabletopursuealloftheotherchangesthatyouwanttomakeinyourlife.Andif youtakethatsimplestepof takingcontrolof yourmornings,you’llcatalyzeachainof eventsthatleadstochangeeverywhere.

HowToSetYourselfUpforSuccess

1.Beforeyougotobed,placeyouralarmclockinanotherroomandsetitfor30minutes earlier thanyounormallywakeup.Even though it isn’t easy to“dragyourassoutof bed,”asPattydescribes,youmustpushyourself tocomplete thechallenge.

YoumightbewonderingwhyIwantyoutostart thisexercisebysettingyouralarm 30 minutes earlier. The reason is simple. I want it to feel hard, as if youliterallyhavetodragyourself outof bed,justlikePattysaid.

2.Tomorrowmorning,assoonasthealarmsounds,openyoureyesandstartcountingbackwards…5-4-3-2-1.Throwoff thecovers,getup,andwalkoutofyourbedroom.Startyourday.Nodelay.Nopillowoverthehead.Nolingering,nosnooze,nocrawlingbackintobed.

Here’swhatyoucanexpect.Assoonasthatalarmgoesoff,you’llthinkabouthowyoufeelaboutgettingup.You’llthink,“thisWakeUpChallengeisstupid.”You’llfeeltired.You’lltrytoconvinceyourself to“starttomorrow.”

Just likeTim,youwill“notwanttogetup”—butthe#5SecondRulewillhelpyouwinthebattlewithyourfeelingsbygivingyousomethingtodothathelpsyougetoutof bed.

Oncethe#5SecondRulepoppedintohishead,Timwasabletoimmediatelygetupandheadtothegym.Alotof ushavea“justdon’tfeellikeit”attitudeinlife.Inthosemoments,theRulewillhelpyoutakeactionlikeitdoesforJessica:

“Ihavefoundthatthe5-4-3-2-1-GOhelpsonthosedayswhenan“Ijustdon’tfeellikeit”attitudecreepsinwhichiseveryday,soagain,THANKYOU!”

That“Ijustdon’tfeellikeit”attitudehasawayof takingoveryourentiredayandthat’sanotherreasonwhythisusetheRuleissoimportant.Ithasatrickledowneffectontherestof yourlife.JustaskStephen,whowrotetomeaboutthenightbeforehefirsttriedtheWakeUpChallenge.

Iaskedhimhowwakingupearlywent.Hesaid“itsucked”whenhefirsttrieditbutovertime,ithas“madeahugedifference.”His“mindsetliterallychangedinthespanof afewminutes”andsincestartingtheWakeUpChallenge,hehasfoundanewjobthathasallowedhimto“startlivinglife.”

As you just read, for Stephen, “the snooze button has been broken andautopilotnolongerexists”—andthathasmadeallthedifference.Stephenisn’tjustwakingupearlier.He’schangedfromaguywhoused to“alwayssettleandrarelypursuemypassions” to apersonwhohas takenhis life intohisownhands, onefive-second decision at a time. And it all started with getting up right when thealarmrang.

If youcangetupon time, start yourdaypowerfully,planahead, thinkaboutyour goals, and focus on yourself, all before you get bogged down in your dailyroutine, then you will simply accomplish more. This is the first step to takingcontrolof yourlife.

Remember, while I created the Rule to help me get out of bed, the#5SecondRule is about something far greater thanwakingupon time. It’s aboutwakingupthepowerof youandusingittoshakeupyourlife.

After you try theWakeUpChallenge, letme knowwhat you discover aboutyourself using#5SecondRule.Youmight find, likeStephendid, that it “sucked,”butovertime,Iguaranteethisonesmallchangewillmake“ahugedifference.”

Nowthatyouknowhowtogetstarted,onabasiclevel,thenextthreepartsofthebookwilldivedeeper intohowyoucanusetheRuletoachievespecificgoalsincluding increasing productivity, beating the fear, feeling happier, and enrichingyourrelationships.

I’mtired.It’stoocold.It’stoohot.It’sraining.It’stoolate.Let’sgo.

PART3

COURAGECHANGESYOUR

BEHAVIOR

I

HOWTOBECOMETHEMOSTPRODUCTIVEPERSONYOUKNOW

like to say that the#5SecondRule is “change agnostic.” Itwillworkwith anykindof behaviorchangethatyouaretryingtomakehappen.Theapplications

of the#5SecondRuleareonlylimitedbyyourimagination.If youwanttoadoptapositivenewhabit,justusetheRuleto5-4-3-2-1andpushyourself todoit.

YoucanalsousetheRuletopullyourself awayfromdestructivebehaviorlikegambling,drinking,drugs, and impulsivebehavior likemicromanagingyour team,snappinginfrustration,andbingewatchingtoomanyTVshows.Just5-4-3-2-1to assert control and shift your focus away from the destructive or impulsivebehavior.Thenturnandwalkawayfromit.Likeallchange, it’ssimple—noteasy,andtheRulewillhelpyougetitdone.

There are three behavior changes that we receive emails about constantly:health,productivity,andprocrastination.Iaddresstheminthissectionof thebook.You’ll learn the step-by-step approach to how you can use the#5SecondRule incombination with some recent research-based strategies to improve these threemajorareasof yourlife.

First,you’lllearnthesecrettoimprovingyourhealth.You’renotgoingtolikeit,butitworks—andyou’llseepostsof peopleallaroundtheglobewhoareusingthe#5SecondRuletodosomeprettyremarkablethingsforthemselves.

Second,you’lllearnhowtoincreaseyourproductivityusingthe#5SecondRule,and the latest researchon focus,productivity, andyourbrain.There’s aparticular

factinthereaboutthesnoozebuttonandhowitimpactsyourproductivitythatwillreallysurpriseyou.

Third, you’ll dive into a subject that plagues us all—procrastination. You’lllearnaboutthetwoformsof procrastination,andthestep-by-stepmethodforhowyou canuse the#5SecondRule in combinationwith19 yearsof research tobeatprocrastinationonceandforall.

Everything you are about to learn can be implemented immediately and isbackedbyscience.Toreachyourpotential,you’llhavetopushyourself—thereisnootherway.

Eitheryourunthedayorthedayrunsyou.

A

CHAPTERNINE

IMPROVEYOURHEALTH

lmosthalf of themessagesIhavereceivedarefrompeople,justlikeyouandme,whowanttoimprovetheirhealth.Whetherit’stoslimdown,pumpup,

dropweight,lowercholesterol,healyourself fromillness,eathealthier,orimprovestrength and flexibility—whatever it is, you can use the #5SecondRule to get itdone.

Thefactisthatthinkingaboutbeinghealthierwon’tmakeyouhealthier.Evenmeditation,which is amental exercise, still requires that youDOIT.There isnogettingaroundthis.Youmusttakeaction.

The irony is that in no other area of our lives is there more information,support, research, options, or free content than on the subject of health andwellness.YoucouldGoogle“diet,”downloadthetop20searchresults,printthem

out,putthemonadartboard,andfollowwhateverdietthedarthits.Thediet, ifyou actually follow it, will work. The problem is never the diet. The problem isalwaysyourfeelingsaboutdieting.Thesameistrueaboutexercising.

JustlikeAna,we“neverfeel likeworkingout”andweletthesefeelingsgetinthewayof ourdesirestobecomehealthier.Usingthe#5SecondRule,Anapushedherself to5-4-3-2-1andgotbackonthebike:

Yes,youmayhyperventilateasyoupedal,butwhocares?Itsoundsbetterthanmakingexcusesathome.

Everysinglediet,exerciseprogram,gymcircuit,workoutclass,physicaltherapyregimen, cross-training routine, meditation program, and yoga flow will improve

yourhealth.Buthere’sthecatch—YOUHAVETODOIT.Andbelieveme,Igetit.I loatheexercise,especially if it’scoldorrainingoutside.Ihate itasmuchasIhategettingoutof bed.Withoutthe#5SecondRule,I’dneverdoit.

Whyisgettinghealthysohard?Youalreadyknowtheanswer—yourfeelings.Ifyoufeeldeprivedof bread,youwon’tsticktoyourgluten-freediet.Thesecondyouconsider how you feel about eating salad for the next 113 days, you’ll convinceyourself nottodoit.Themomentyouscantoday’sCrossFitworkoutandconsiderhow you feel about doing three sets of 45 burpees with a bunch of people in aparkinglot—youwon’tfeellikewalkingoutthedoorandgoing.

Willstickingtoadietmakeyouhappy?Absolutely.WillseeingyourfriendsatCrossFit and working out make you happy? You better believe it will. Just askMelanie,whohadtroublegetting“off thedamncouch”beforefindingtheRule.

And once she did get moving, Melanie experienced “Freedom andbreakthroughs,”somethingthatweallwant.Themomentyouacceptthefactthatwejustwanttodothethingsthatfeeleasy,yourealizethesecrettogettinghealthyissimple—you’llneverfeellikeit,youjusthaveto5-4-3-2-1-GO!

Blowingoff thegym,hittingtheIn-n-OutBurgerdrive-thru,andwastingtimeonFacebook isahellof loteasier thanhyperventilating inaspinclassorcuttingout sugar fromyourdiet. If youwant to loseweight, followadiet, and regularlyexercise, there’s only one thing youmust do: Stop thinking about how you feel.Yourfeelingsdon’tmatter.TheonlythingthatmattersiswhatyouDO.

Erikarealizedthis.Evenafterstartingherweightlossjourney,shefoundherself“losingallmotivationtogetmyworkoutsin”and“alwayshadanexcuse”whyshe

couldn’thitthegym.

Oncesherealizedthatshewas“nevergoingtofeellikeworkingout,”Erikawasable to find 5 secondwindows of opportunity and then push herself to act onthem.Exerciseis100%mental.Yourbodywon’tgowhereyourminddoesn’tpushit.That’swhythe#5SecondRuleisgamechangingforyourhealth.

Here’sHOWyouuseit…

5-4-3-2-1-GOandgettothegym.

5-4-3-2-1-GOandputdownthedonutandeatagrilledchickenbreast.

5-4-3-2-1-GOandwalkaway from thebakeryeven though thebreadanddessertsareseducingyoulikeasiren.

There are people all over the world who are fatter, lazier, and more out ofshapethanyouwhoused5-4-3-2-1tochangethemselvesintoatotallydifferentbody,mindset,andlife.

LikeCharlie.Thisguyfirstreachedouttomeweighing383pounds.Hiswaistwas54 inches.Lookat thephotos in the followingFacebookpost andyou’ll seehowheavyhewas.

Imagine how horrible he felt. Now look at the other photo of him in thebottomphoto—celebratinghis life.Heis literallyadifferenthumanbeing.How’dhe do it?By drinking drinks that taste like grass.Yuck, youmight say.But that’swhat it took for him to reach his goal. Today he runs a business called JuicingStrongthathelpspeoplebecometheirhealthiestselves.

For529straightdays,thisguypushedhimself tokeepthepromisehemadetohimself.Why?Notbecausehefeltlikeit—butbecausehesaidhewould.Imagineif

Charliespentthelast529daysthinkingaboutlosing176poundsinsteadof juicing.Whatwouldhavehappened?Nothing.Alexandraalsofoundherwaytoahealthierlifestylebyjuicing:

CharlieandAlexandrabothfoundthatwhenyoufollowyourinstinctstoleadahealthierlifestylebytakingacourageousaction,changestartstohappeninyourlife.

It takes courage to start something, it takes courage to stick with it, and itdefinitelytakescouragetoshare itwiththeworld.That’swhatPakinamdescribedtome.Courage iswhat it required to loseweightbecausesometimes,asPakinamwrites,thegapbetweenwhereyouareandwhereyouwanttobecanseemsohuge,thatwecan’tevenfacehowmuchworkwehavetodo:

HiMel,

FormyentirelifeIhavebeenoverweight.NowIamtryingtodietforthefirsttimeinmylife.Ifeellostandtrapped,butIkeepongoing.Ihaveamassivefeelingof insecurityandvulnerability.Canyoupleaseexplainthis?

The short answer is that the gap between the person you are now and thepersonyouwanttobecomecanseemsobigthatitfeelsimpossibletobridgethatgap.Feelingthiswayisnormal,butallowingthosefeelingstotakeoveryourmindisaformof self-abuse.

That’s why I love Charlie and that photo of his bare belly hanging over hisshorts.Anyonecanbridgethegapbetweenthenumbersonthescalewithapush.LetCharlie’sexampleinspireyoutostarttoday.Andlethisresultsencourageyoutostickwithit.

IhavesomeoneelseIwantyoutomeet.MarkisusinghisInstagramfriendstohold himself accountable. Five thousand pushups in a month? Holy cow! I canbarelydofiveaday,#exercisegoals.

The discipline of daily exercise will also help his other personal andprofessional goal of “trying to finishmy book on increasing business value and

selling.”EverydaythatMarkexercises,he’llhaveabrainthat’sprimedtohelphim

finishwritingthatbook.GoMark!Keepuspostedwhenyourbookisavailable.

Maybe5,000push-ups inonemonth isa littleoverwhelmingbecause itmightliterallykillyou.Noproblem.Howaboutjusttakingonafitnesschallenge?CheckoutAnouk—she’sonweek threeof hers.She is tellingus thesimple truthabouthealthandexercise:“Ireallyreallyreallydidn’tfeellikeitbutdiditanywayBOOMBOOMBOOM.”

BOOM to you Anouk, you rock girl. And you rock too—when you pushyourself totakeactionwhenyoudon’tfeellikeit.

If youfeeloverwhelmedbythethoughtof takingthisonforreal,meetAlice.She’s“a19-year-oldgirlfromtheUK”whowrotetomebecauseshehadbeenina

“reallybadplace.”Here’showshedescribedit:

Isufferwithanxietyandagoraphobiaandtheyreallytooktheirtollonme.Igainedabout30lbs,whichmademeevenmoremiserableandIstayedindoorsevenmore.Additionally,Ifeltpressuredbymyparentstodoacertaindegreeatacertainuniversityandconvincedmyself Iwasfinedoingthisinordertopleasethem…Iwatchedyourvideoanditreallymademethink,isthisreallywhatIwant?AmIreally‘fine’beingthesizeIam?DoIdeservetogetwhatIwant?

Iwon’tlieittooksometimebutIwatchedyourtalkaboutonceaweekandthenIhadtheimpulse…”

Shehadtheinstincttogetrealwithherself.Shehadthedesiretoassertherselfandtakecontrolof herlife.Shehadtheurgetochange.Andshedid!Notonlydidshetalktoherparents,butshechangedhermajor.

“Wasaccepted to theUniversity of my choiceand the course of my choiceandamdue to go thisOctober.As formyweight,sinceDecemberI’velost28lbsfromeatinghealthily,gettingintoagoodexerciseroutineandit’salldowntoyour5secondrule.

IhopeIdidn’ttakeuptoomuchof yourtime,butIreallywantedtotellyouhowmuchyourtalkimpactedme!IhavestillgotalongwaytogobutwheneverIfeelmyself slippingIwatchyourtalkagain!”

That’swhatittakes.IttakescouragetodowhatAlicedid.Ittakescouragetobehonestwithyourself aboutwhatyouwant.Ittakescouragetoassertyourself—tostart.Often, thatfirststep is thehardest.If youfalloff thewagonor“slip,”youcangetbackontrack.Slippingisnormal.Therearedayswhenyouwon’tfeellikeit.Remember,youcantakecontrolagain.Ittakesjustfiveseconds.

Just ask Kristin. She says something really important in her Instagram post—“Thefirststep—gettingoutof bed—isthehardest.Butsoworthit.”Nomatterhowmanytimesyou’veexercised,startingeachdayisthehardestpart.

RememberwhenItoldyouthatIwantedyoutostartexperimentingwiththeRule by doing theWakeUpChallenge? That’s so you can experience “activationenergy.”It’stheforcerequiredtostartsomething,andthat’sexactlywhatKristinisreferringto.Andshe’sright—itissoworthit.Infact,there’snothingmoreworthitthan learning topushyourself rightpast yourexcuses andone stepcloser to thelife,thebody,orthefutureyoudreamabout.

Maybeyourhealth challenge isn’t about thegym.Maybe it’s about somethingscarier,likefightinganillness.Youaren’taloneandyouneedcourageeverydaytoheal,tolive,andtostaystrong.Alotof peoplehavewrittenaboutstrugglingwithcancerandsetbacks inhealth,wonderinghowtheycan reclaim theircourageandstrength to fight.The#5SecondRule is a tool that you canuse to find the innerstrengthtofaceseriousillness.

GregCheekisoneheckof aninspiringguytofollow.Stagethreecancer.Whatdidhedo?He’srun10marathons—sincehisdiagnosis!Howincredibleisthat?

Maybe it’s not about runningmarathons.Maybe health for youmeans beingbraveenoughtogetyourannualmammogramscreeningdone.WhenAmyRobach,thehostof GoodMorningAmerica,wasaskedtohaveherfirst-evermammogramliveon-airduringBreastCancerAwarenessMonth,herinitial internalresponsewasnoway,nohow.Shedidn’thaveanyconnectiontothediseaseanddidn’twanttomakeitlook like she was trying to steal the limelight. Amy turned to Robin Roberts, a

fellowanchorandabreastcancersurvivor,foradvice.AfterAmytoldRobinthat

shehadneverhadamammogram,Robinreplied:

“Amy,that’sthewholepoint.Listen.NobodyknowsbetterthanIdohowuncomfortableitcanbehavingpeoplewatchingyougothroughsomethingmedical.Butthepowerof savingevenonelifeissoremarkable,you’llneverregretit.AndIcanprettymuchguaranteeitwillsavealife.Justbyyouwalkingintothatmammogramanddemystifyingthistest,someonewillfindouttheyhavecancerwhowouldn’thaveotherwise.Amy,80%of womenwhohavebreastcancerhavenofamilyhistory.”

Amymadeuphermindright there, inRobin’sdressingroom,anddecided tohavethemammogram.Shewentbackonairweekslatertorevealthatthescreeningshehaddoneon live televisionhad savedher life—shehadbeendiagnosedwithbreast cancer. Amy went through a double mastectomy, eight rounds ofchemotherapy,andtodayiscancer-free.

WhileAmydidn’tusethe#5SecondRuleinherdecision,shegotapushfromRobinduringacriticalmomentandmadeafiveseconddecision.Thankgoodnessshedid.Youmaynotbeluckyenoughtohaveaworkcolleaguetheretopushyou,butyoucanalwaysgiveyourself thatpush,5-4-3-2-1-GO.

Improvingyourhealthisallaboutaction.YoumightnotloseasmuchweightasCharlie,orrunmarathonslikeGreg,butyoucanpushyourself togettothedentist,toexercise,orgotothedoctorforatestlikeamammogramorprostatescreening.Whenyoupushyourself justlikesomanyof thepeopleyou’vejustreadabout,thelifethatyouchangewillbeyourown.

Lifeisaboutthechoiceswemake.AndIhavesaidoverandoverinthisbookthatyoucanalwayschoosehowyouact. If youhavegoals togethealthier,whatyouneedtodoisusuallystraightforward.Pickaplantofollow,anyplanwilldo—and then 5- 4- 3- 2- 1-GO.The only thing youwill need to choose after that ischoosing each and every day toDO IT even though, asAnouk said, you “reallyreallyreallydon’tfeellikeit.”

Isaidthatwhatyouneedtodoissimple.Ididn’tsayitwouldbeeasy.Ipromiseyou, itwillbeworthit.Exerciseandhealthcomesdowntoonesimplerule—youdon’thavetofeellikeit.Youjusthavetodoit.

Gotheextramile.It’snevercrowded.

P

CHAPTERTEN

INCREASEPRODUCTIVITY

roductivitycanbeboileddowntooneword—FOCUS.Thereare twotypesof focus you need to master productivity: First the ability to manage

distractions so that you can focusmoment-to-moment on the task at hand, andsecond,theskillof focusingonwhat’strulyimportanttoyouinthebigpicture,soyoudon’twasteyourdayonstupidstuff.

We’regoingtoexplorebothtypesof focus,takealookatthelatestresearchonthesubject,andlearnhowtousethe#5SecondRuletomastertheskillsof focusingyourtimeonwhat’smostimportantandmanagingdistractionswhentheypopup.

GetSeriousAboutManagingDistractions

Managing distractions is like following through on health goals. You’re nevergoing to feel like it; you justhave tomakeyourself do it.Youalreadyknow thatbeingaddicted toyourphone, texting, andansweringemails is adistraction…butstoppingitfeelsimpossible.

Eventhoughyouknowyoushouldturnoff pop-upalerts,silenceyourphone,and stop checking email every fiveminutes, this knowledge doesn’t change yourbehavior. I could bury you with research about how bad this is, but it wouldn’tchangeyourbehavior.Thisiswherethe#5SecondRulecomesintoplay—youdon’thavetowanttodoit,youjusthavetopushyourself todoit.

Firstyoumustdecidethatdistractionsarenotgood.Interruptionsof anysortarethekissof deathforyourproductivity.Researchshowsopenofficespacesareanightmare for focus. Checking email can become an addiction because of whatbehavioral researchers call “randomrewards.”Youhave todecide that yourgoalsaremoreimportantthanpushnotifications.It’sthatsimple.

Then you just remove them. I’mnot claiming this is rocket science. I’malsonot going to tell you that it’s easy. But I promise you that if you use the#5SecondRule,you’llactuallydoit.Whenyoustarttoremovedistractionsandareabletofocusonthemoment-to-momentthingsthatmatteryouwillhave“noidea”howmuchitwillhelp,asKarenwrote:

Recently,Iwastalkingaboutthiswithmyhighschool-ageddaughterKendall.She loves socialmedia, butwould spend somuch timeonherphone that itwasseriouslydistractingherfromherschoolwork.Plus,itwasmakingherfeelinsecureto constantly compare herself to the social media posts of celebrities andsupermodels.

Justlikeyouandme,sheknewthatsocialmediawasmakingherlessproductivewhen she needed to focus on homework. Kendall decided that the best way tomanagethedistractionof socialmediawouldbetogetridof thetemptation—soshedeletedphotosharingappsInstagramandVSCOfromherphone.

Inherwords:

“Afterdeletingit,itdawnedonmehowunimportantthestuff istomylife.Whentheseappswereonmyphone,itwasaninvoluntaryactiontoclickonitandlook.Nowthattheappsaregone,Idon’thavetheurgetolookatitever.”

Anddistractionsarenotonlyintheformof technologyandsocialmedia.Sarahfoundthatherclutterwasamajordistractioninherlifeanddecidedtotakeaction.Sheused theRule tobeat “emotional”hoarding and5- 4- 3- 2- 1 and“donated,recycled,soldandalsotrashed”somuchstuff:

By clearing through her junk with five second decisions, Sarah now feels“amazing” and is no longer “bogged down.” So if you find yourself gettingdistractedlikeKendallwasbysocialmediaorSarahwasbyhersurroundings,that’s

ahugemomentof power.You justwokeup andnow it’s time to shakeupyour

environment.5-4-3-2-1.Removethedistraction.Itreallyisthatsimpleandtherewardsarepowerful.

The harder andmore powerful thing to do is to master the second type offocus:bigpicturefocus.There’sonethingthatI’veusedthe#5SecondRuletodothathasincreasedmybigpicturefocuslikenothingelse—beinga“boss”aboutmymornings.

OwnYourMornings

Takingcontrolof yourmorningsisagamechangerforproductivity.ThewayIdiditwastocreateamorningroutine.Alissafoundaftersheimplementedherownmorningroutine,shestartedto“rule”herdays:

JustasAlissa said,whenyoucreateamorning routineand follow it, you“setyourintentions.”Andoverandover,you’lltriggerachainof eventsthatwillshockyou.

IowemymorningroutinetoDukeUniversityprofessorDanAriely.AccordingtoAriely,thefirsttwotothreehoursof thedayarethebesthoursforyourbrain,

onceyoufullywakeup.So,if youpopoutof bedat6a.m.,yourpeakthinkingand

productivitywindowis6:30a.m.to9a.m.Andsoon.

If yourhouseholdisanythinglikeours, it’schaosmostmornings.Feedingthedog,gettingbreakfastready,andguidingthreeschool-readykidsoutthedoorcanchewupmorethananhourandcutintoyourpeakproductivitywindow.That’swhyIhadtogetseriousaboutmymorningsif Iplannedtobethebossof myday—anditstartedwithgettingupearliersothatIhadtimetofocusonmybigpicturegoalsbeforethedayhijackedme.

Here’s how I changed my routine to become a master at focusing on mypriorities:

MyDailyRoutine

1.Igetupwhenthealarmrings.

Wewent over the importance of this when you learned about theWakeUpChallenge.The alarm rings. I get up.The end.Forpeakproductivity, you shouldNEVERhitthesnoozebutton.There’sactuallyaneurologicalreasonwhy,onethatIlearnedwhileconductingresearchforthisbook.

Youknowthatgettingagoodnight’ssleepisimportantforproductivity.ButIbet you didn’t know thathow youwake up is just as important as how yousleep.Scientistshaverecentlydiscoveredthatwhenyouhitthesnoozebuttonithasanegativeimpactonbrainfunctionandproductivitythatcanlastuptofourhours!Here’swhatyouneedtoknow.

Wesleep incycles that takeabout90 to110minutes tocomplete.About twohours before youwakeup, these sleep cycles end and yourbody starts to slowlypreparetowakeup.Whenyouralarmrings,yourbodyisinwakeupmode.If you

hit thesnoozebuttonanddriftbacktosleep,youforceyourbraintostartanew

sleepcyclethatis90to110minuteslong.

Whenthe“snooze”alarmgoesoff 15minuteslater,thecorticalregionof yourbrain, which is the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, attention,alertness,andself-control,isstillinthesleepcycle.Itwon’tbeabletosnapawake—itneeds75moreminutestofinishwhatthatsnoozebuttonstarted.

Itcantakeuptofourhoursforthis“sleepinertia”conditiontowearoff andforyourcognitivefunctionstoreturntotheirfullcapacity.That’swhyyoufeelsodarngroggywhenyougetupafterhittingthesnooze.It’snotbecauseyoudidn’tget enough sleep. It’sbecauseonceyouhit the snoozebutton, you startedanewsleepcycleandtheninterruptedit.Ondayswhenyouhitthesnoozebutton,there’snowayyou’reatyourbest.

So,I’mdeadseriousaboutthis.Thealarmgoesoff.Nosnoozebutton.Getup.Notnegotiable.

2.Iwalktothebathroomandturnoff thealarm.

MyhusbandandIdonothaveourphonesoralarmclocksinourbedroomoronournightstands.Whereismyphone?Inthebathroom.CloseenoughsoIcanhear thephone ring if someonecallsand thealarmring in themorning.But, farenoughsoIdon’tfalltotemptation.If myphoneisonthenightstand,Iwillgrabitwithout thinking and stay in bed reading emails. You know you’re guilty of thesame.If it’s inreach, it’seasy tograbwithout thinking.Amajorityof adults reademails before they getoutof bed, and a recent study fromDeloitte reports thatone-thirdof adultsandone-half of thoseundertheageof 35actuallywakeupandchecktheirphonesinthemiddleof thenight.Byputtingmyphone/alarminthebathroom,I’mmakingithardertosuccumbtothehabitof reachingformyphone,andIamsettingmyself upforagoodnight’ssleep.

3.Ibrushmyteethandfocusonthedayahead.

Iusethe3to5minutesof timethatIspendwashingmyfaceandbrushingandflossingmyteethtofocusmythoughtsonwhatI reallywantandneedtodoforMEandMYbig-picturegoals.This isnota to-do list.This isa“must list.”It’samomentwhenIconsciouslycollectmythoughtsandthinkof oneortwothingsImight not feel like doing but that I must do today—for my goals, dreams, andbusiness growth. Researchers call these SMART goals (Specific, Measurable,Achievable,Realistic,Timely).Ijustcallthemtwothingsthatwillguaranteeforwardprogressonthingsthatmattertome.It’susuallythe“crap”Idon’tfeellikedoing,justasMorphindescribed:

4.Igetdressed,makemybed,walkintothekitchen,andpouracupofcoffee.

Have you noticedwhat I haven’t done yet? I haven’t looked atmy phone orgoneonlinetocheckemail.Why?BecauseIknowthatthesecondIdo,Iwilllosemy focus. The moment you check email, read the news or surf social media,someoneelse’sprioritiesjumpinfrontof yours.DoyouthinkthatBillGatesandOprah are lying in bed scrolling through social feeds?Nope, and neither shouldyou.Youmustputyourself first,sodonotcheckemailuntilyouplanYOURday.

5.Iwritedownmy1to3“musts”andwhytheyareimportant.

InmycheapodailyplannerthatIboughtatanofficesupplystore,Ijotdowntheone,two,orthreethingsthatIfeelImustdotoday—thatareforME.Therearea couple of reasons why this is an important step: one, because I am a visualperson, and two, according to research by Dominican University of CaliforniapsychologyprofessorDr.GailMatthews,by simplywritingdownyourgoals, youare42%morelikelytoachievethem.

HavingthemwritteninmyplannermeansthatI’llseethemthroughoutthedayand be reminded to act.Having the “why” statement remindsme of why thesegoalsareimportantandgivesmeanaddedpush.

If Iputtheminmyelectroniccalendar,I’llforgetaboutit.Half thetime,Iwalkintoaroomandcan’trememberwhatIwalkedinfor—soI“stalkmyself withmymusts” by keeping them written down. When they are in my planner, which issomethingthatIlookatthroughouttheday,I’mcuedvisually.Seeingmy“musts”remindsme to do these tasks. You can do this in a notebook, in your calendar,wherever—justwritethemdownandkeepthemwithyou,justlikeSharondoes:

6.Iplanmydayandtake30before7:30a.m.

Iplanandoftenexecutethemostimportant“musts”FIRST,beforeIcheckmyphoneorgoonlineandcheckemail. Ido thisusinga tool Icall“30before7:30a.m.”

Itake30minutesbefore7:30a.m.toplanoutmyday.Duringthistimeblock,IeitherstartworkingonmytwoorthreemustsorIscheduletimetogetthemdonelaterintheday.If Iamhome,Itrytostartthisplanningsessionat7:00a.m.when

the last one of our kids leaves for the bus. These 30minutes are critical tomysuccess.

By setting up your day tomake sure that you “focus on the right things,” asJeremydoes,youprimeyourself tobe“muchmoreproductive”andsuccessful inaccomplishingyourgoalsfortheday.

Theconceptof “30before7:30a.m.”cannotbedoneonceyouwalkintotheoffice.Youmustdothisathomeoratyourfavoritecoffeeshoporonthetrainorsitting inyourcar in theparking lot.I’mnotkidding.Themomentyouwalk intoyourofficeandanswerthatfirstemailortakethatfirstcall,yourdayisgone.

ProfessorSuneCarlssonstudiedhowCEOsgetsomuchaccomplished.Whatwas the secret of these high-powered executives? They worked at home for 90minutesbecause“therewassomechanceof concentration.”Atwork,theyreportedbeinginterruptedevery20minutes.AndwhatdidItellyouaboutinterruption?It’sthekissof deathtoproductivity.

Whyelseisitimportanttoplananddothemostimportantstuff firstthing?

Remember,asDr.Arielytoldus,thefirst2to3hoursof thedayarethebesthoursforthebraintofocusonthetasksorgoalsthatadvanceyourownpersonalorprofessionalgoals.Fillingthattimewithunimportantstuff isstupid.

Answering emails, taking phone calls, and sitting in meetings have a way oftakingover your schedule and rarely lead tomakingmajor improvements in yourlife.Foryourownhappinessandtoprotectthetimenecessarytofocusonthedeepwork,thefirstfewhoursof yourdaymustbegrabbedbyyou,foryou.Fightforit.

If youworkontwothingsyouconsiderimportant,youaremakingprogressonprojectsthatmatter—andarewinningthelonggame.

Wakingupearlyandplanningoutyourdayhashugebenefits.JustaskMari:

By jumpstartinghismorningswithearlywakeups(nosnooze!),checklists,andrituals,hehasbeenabletotakecontrol,sethisprioritiesstraightandfindtimetostartworkingonanewbook.Ifollowedupafewweekslater,askingMarihowthemorningritualwasgoing:

That’samazing,Mari,day#54of beingaboss.Tonydidthesameandfoundhis“waybackintothegymeverymorningat5a!”:

Iknowit’shardtogetupthatearlyandgetrightintoaworkout,butwhenyou5-4-3-2-1tofindtheactivationenergytobeatthosefeelingsof resistance,you

not only set yourself up to be the boss of your day, but you also activate yourgreatestself.

7.Iplanmyquittingtime.

Here’ssomethingelseIlearnedfromresearch.Inadditiontoplanningmyday,IalsoplanthetimeIwillstopworking.That’sright.Everyday,whenIstartmyday,Ideterminewhat time Iwill stopworking andhangoutwithmy family.Having adeadlineforstoppingorredirectingdoestwothings:itmakesmemoreintentionalwiththetimeIhaveandthatmakesmemoreproductive.

There’saprinciplecalledParkinson’sLaw—workexpandstowhatevertimeyougive it.Sogiveyourworkdayadeadline.Adeadline is important for staminaandmentalhealth. It forcesyou to focus andbe serious about taking thebreak fromwork. It’s a break that we all need to be present with our families and give ourbrains the time to rest, recharge,andreset that they require. I’mnotgoing to lie,I’vehadtousetheruletoforcemyself 5-4-3-2-1toturnoff thecomputertostopworkingforthedaymoreoftenthanIwouldliketoadmit.

Usingthisdailyroutinehashelpedimmeasurably.It ishowIputmyprioritiesaheadof puttingoutdaily fires. I feelmore incontrolbecause Iownmyactionsfrom the moment the alarm rings. I have more clarity (which helps spotopportunities) because I’ve defined the 2-3 big picturemusts that willmovemygoalsforward.

If I notice myself detouring from my routine or getting distracted, that’s amomentof power.IusetheRule,5-4-3-2-1togetbackontrack.Of course,youcancreateanyroutinethatworks,butif youarelookingforawaytostart,trymine.Lotsof peoplehavefoundgreatsuccessaddingexercise,meditation,andgratitudeliststotheirmorningroutines.Roadtestthemalltoseewhatworksbestforyou.

What I’m telling you is simple, it’s obvious, and it works. Customize it so itworksforyou,butbyallmeans5-4-3-2-1todoit.Whenyoudotheworktobethebossof yourday,asChristiesays, it’sa“realgamechanger.”Shehasachievedthehighestrankinhercompanyandis“onfire.”

Nowit’syourturn.

Startbeforeyou’reready.Don’tprepare,begin.

T

CHAPTERELEVEN

ENDPROCRASTINATION

he#5SecondRuleisanincredibleweaponinthefightagainstprocrastination.Beforewedigintohowtouseit,weneedtodefineprocrastination,whatitis,

and what it isn’t. In researching this book, I was shocked when I learned whatcausesprocrastination.Ihaditallwrong!

Iwasalsosurprisedtolearntherearetwokindsof procrastination:destructiveprocrastination, which is when you avoid tasks you need to complete, andproductiveprocrastination,whichisanimportantpartof anycreativeprocess.

Let’sstartwiththegoodkind.

ProductiveProcrastination

If youareworkingonacreativeprojectoraninnovativeidea,researchshowsthatprocrastinationisnotonlygood,butitisalsoimportant.Thecreativeprocesstakestime,sowhenyousetaprojectasideforafewdaysorweeks,yourmindcan

wander.Thatextra timespentmentalwanderinggivesyou theability tocomeup

withmorecreative,“divergent”ideasthatenhanceyourproject.

Productive procrastination was a hugely liberating concept for me to learn,especially while struggling to write this book. Before I learned about productiveprocrastination,Ibeatmyself upconstantlybecauseIkeptfeelingburntout,Ihadwriter’sblock,andIthoughtitmeantIwasabadwriter,lazy,orincapable.Intruth,acreativeprocessof thismagnitudejusttooktime.

Mymindneededbreaksandtimetowander.Ittookmesevenmonths longerthanIthoughtitwouldtofinishandthebookis100timesbetterforit.If you’renot getting the results that youwant, give the project some time, go focus yourenergysomewhereelse,andthencomebacklaterwithfresheyes.

So,if youareworkingonacreativeproject,andyoudon’thaveafixeddeadline,it’snotprocrastinationif youletyourworksitforafewweekssoyoucanletyoumind wander. It’s the creative process. Those fresh new ideas you have as youprocrastinateproductivelywillmakeyourworkevensmarter.

DestructiveProcrastination

Destructiveprocrastination is an entirely different animal. It’swhenwe avoidtheworkweneedtogetdoneandknow therewillbenegativeconsequences.Thishabitreallycomesbacktobiteyouintheend.

Everyoneof ushas apile of stuff we can’t seem to get to: updatingphotoalbums,analyzingaspreadsheet,finishingaproposal,cleaningoutDad’shouse,orplowing througha to-do list thatwouldgrowyourbusiness. It’s anything thatwefindourselvesdeliberatelyavoidingthatreallyneedstogetdone.

Evelynfoundherself procrastinatingandbeatingherself up:“Ihavequestionedeverything about myself for years.” She put the Rule into effect and it’s been

“AMAZING.”

Once she discovered 5- 4- 3- 2- 1-GO, Evelyn was able to push past herquestioningandjustgotthingsdone,impressingevenherself.

Sheprobablydidn’tknowwhyshewasprocrastinating.Mostof usdon’t.Foralongtime,everyonebelievedprocrastinationmeantpoortimemanagementskills,alackof willpower,orlackof self-discipline.Boy,werewewrong.Procrastinationisnotaformof lazinessatall.It’sacopingmechanismforstress.

ProcrastinationandtheConnectiontoStress

Timothy Pychyl, a psychology professor at Carleton University, has beenstudyingprocrastinationformorethan19years.Dr.Pychylhasfoundthatthemainthing driving procrastination is not avoiding work. It’s avoiding stress.Procrastination is“asubconsciousdesire tofeelgood rightnow”soyoucanfeelalittlestressrelief.

Acommonmistakeweallmakeisthinkingthatpeoplemakeadeliberatechoiceto procrastinate. In fact, most people who struggle with procrastination tellresearchers that they feel like they have no control over it. And they are right,becausetheydon’tunderstandtherealreasonwhyweprocrastinate.

We procrastinate because we feel stressed out. Here’s the catch…you aren’tstressed about the work. You are stressed about the bigger stuff: money,relationshipproblems,orlifeingeneral.Whenyoublowoff workorstudyingfor15minutesof onlineshoppingorwatchingthehighlightsof lastnight’sgame,youaretakingaministress-breakfromthebiggerstressyoufeeloverall.

It’s like emotional eating for themind.When you avoid something that feelshard,yougetasenseof relief.Plus,whenyoudosomethingyouenjoy,likesurfingFacebookorlaughingatviralvideos,yougetashort-termboostof dopamine.Themoreoftenthatyouprocrastinate,themorelikelyyou’llrepeatthebehavior.Here’stheproblem:Whileyougetasmallboostof relief whenyouwatchcatvideos,overtimetheworkthatyouareavoidingbuildsandthatcreatesmorestressinyourlife.

Scottisanexcellentexampleof this.Hewrotetomebecausehewantedhelp“gettingoutof his ownhead.”He shared that everyone close tohimhas alwayssaid,“I’mtheonlythingthatisholdingmeback.”Andtheyareright.

Scott isaPhDstudentperformingresearchinaphysiologylab,heismarried,andheandhiswifejusthadtheirfirstchildwhois“themostbeautifulbabyboy.”Hedescribedhislifelikethis:

“Everythingathome is incredibledespitelotsof financialstresswhichwouldbeexpectedconsidering thatI’m in school.My issue is that inmy daily life, and branching into school/labwork, I have troublefulfilling obligationswhich is starting to become a problem.Basically I put things off continuouslyuntilitreachesthepointwhereI’veeithermissedadeadlineoritupsetssomeone.

Ihaveveryhighexpectationsformyself andI literallygo tosleepeverynight tellingmyself thattomorrow is going tobe that fresh start that Ineedand I’mgoing to tackle everythingwith tonsofenergy.ButthenIfaildayafterdayandthatconfidenceinovercomingthisbymyself isstartingtofade.BasicallyIdon’tfeellikeI’mlivinganywherenearmyfullpotentialandit’sfrustrating.”

ReadingScott’snote,youcanseethathe’strappedinaviciouscycleof feelingdisappointed in himself. I can totally relate because that’s how I felt as I wasstrugglingtogetoutof bedontime.Scottknowswhatheneedstodo(attacktheworkandgetitdone),buthecan’tseemtomakehimself doit.

Scott’s note givesme a chance to explainwhat’s actually going onwhen youprocrastinate.Hetoldusthatheandhiswifeareunder“alotof financialstress.”Thatfinancialstressdoesn’tfeelgood.Italsoexplainsthereasonwhyheprocrastinatesto get temporary relief from themoney stress. Remember thatwhenwe replacedifficulttaskswithdoingsomethingeasier,wegetatemporarymoodboostandafeelingof control.

Itseemscounterintuitive,butthereasonwhyScottkeepsblowingoff thestuffheneedstodoatthelabisbecausehewantsrelief fromthefinancialstresshefeelsinhislife.

Sohowonearthdoeshestopthis?Luckily, there’sthreesimpleandresearch-backedsteps.And,the#5SecondRulewillhelpyou5-4-3-2-1dothem.Whetheryouareavoidingwork likeScott,cleaning likeEvelyn,orexercising like@JLossooncewas,youcanusetheRuletobeatprocrastinationeverytime.

ForgiveYourself

Thefirstthingresearchtellsus:youneedtoforgiveyourself forprocrastinating.Seriously.Thisisn’tKumbaya—thisisscience.

Remember our expert from Carleton University? Dr. Pychyl co-authored apaper about how students who forgave themselves for procrastinating were lesslikelytoprocrastinateontheirnexttest.Soundssilly,butpartof theproblemthatpsychologistshaveuncovered is thatprocrastinatorsarereallyhardonthemselvestobeginwith.

Trishkefoundthataftershewasabletoforgiveherself,shechangedherlife.

Insteadof beatingherself up,she’snolongerprocrastinating.Amazing!

Youmay also relate toRyan,whowrote tome about being in thebeginningstagesof startinganewbusiness.Hesaidthatasmuchashewantsthisventuretowork, “it amazes me how hard it is to force myself to spend (time on it) andactuallydoitduetothefearof failure.”

Ilovewhathesaidattheend:“Winorlose,atleastI’mdoingsomething!”Ittakesalotof braverytobeabletogethonestwithyourself andadmithowharditistofocusonwhatyouneedtodo.

AnotherperfectexampleisourPhDstudentinthelab,Scott.Rememberwhathe wrote? He said he has “very high expectations for myself.” Every time heprocrastinates he feels shame and guilt. Those negative feelings then create evenmorestressforScottashis“confidenceinovercomingthisbymyself isstartingtofade,”whichcauseshimtofeelevenmorestressandprocrastinateevenmore.

So,let’sapplythisadvicetoScott.Stepnumberone,stopthecyclebyforgivingyourself. Scott, you’ve got to take five seconds, 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 forgive yourself forupsettingpeople,fallingbehind,andnotworkingtoyourfullpotential.If youcanrecognizethatyourstressaboutfinancesaredrivingtheprocrastinationatthelab,nowyou’vegotachancetoassertyourself andtakecontrol.Bytheway,youwanttotakecontrolsoyoucanachieveyourgoals.Andthatpersonyouhopetobecomecanhelpyourightnow.

ThatleadsustoStep2.

WhatWouldtheFutureYouDo?

Allowmetoexplain.Dr.Pychyl’steamhasbeendoingalotof researchonour“presentself ”versusour“futureself.”Our“futureself ”isthepersonthatwewantto become. Interestingly, research proves that when you can picture the “FutureYou,” it gives you the objectivity to push yourself in the present moment. Inexperimentswhenresearchersshowpeopletheirownpicturesdigitallyaged,they’remore likely to save for retirement. I guess that’s an explanation for why visionboardswork. They help you envision the FutureYou and that is a great copingmechanismforthestressyouexperiencetodayasthePresentYou.So,Scott,createa vision board or amental image of what your life looks likewhen all this gradschool stress is behind you and you are Professor Scott. The moment you feelyourself procrastinating,justaskyourself,Whatwould“ProfessorScott”do?

ThisleadsustoStep3.

GetStartedwiththe#5SecondRule

Finally,onceyouunderstandthesourceof procrastination,Dr.Pychyl’sfavoriteadviceis,“Justgetstarted.”He’snottheonlyonetalkingabouttheimportanceofstarting. One of the most powerful ways to create new habits, according to

researchers,isto“createastartingritual.”There’snobetterstartingritualthanthe#5SecondRule.Now that I understand the science of all this, I can explainwhy“justgetstarted”works.

If procrastinatingisahabit,youhavetoreplacethebadbehaviorpattern(avoidance)withanewpositiveone(gettingstarted).

Themomentyoufeelyourself hesitate,doingeasiertasks,oravoidinghardwork,usetheRule,5-4-3-2-1pushyourself tostarttheimportantthingyouneedtodo.

GettingstartedtakesusbacktoourengineeratCISCOandtheconceptof a“locusof control.”Procrastinationmakesyoufeellikeyouhavenocontroloveryourself.Whenyouassertyourself andjustgetstarted,youaretakingcontrolof themomentandyourlife.

Danielafeels“empowered”and“capable”whensheputstheRuleintopractice,showingus that thebenefitsof beatingprocrastinationexpandbeyondwork andintothemoreimportantareasof improving“myrelationshipwithmyself.”

AsIexplainthroughoutthebook,exertingeffortwith5-4-3-2-1switchesthegears inyourmindandallowstheprefrontalcortextohelpyougetstarted.EachtimeyouusetheRule,it’llgeteasierandeasiertostopprocrastinatingandjuststart.JustasSyfoundout,tellingyourself to“justmakethecall,replytheemail,finishthestupidjob…”andstartisthesecrettocompletinganythingimportant:

Eventhoughshedoesn’t likedoingit,she’sformedthehabitof takingactionanyway—andhascompletedahugeprojectwiththismindsetandwill“getwhatIwant.”

InScott’scase,backinthelab,hecanusetheRuletocountdown5-4-3-2-1andpushhimself towork for a short interval of time.Now that he realizes thesourceof hisprocrastination(financialstress),hehasforgivenhimself (extremelyimportantstep).AndonceheispicturingthefutureDr.Scott,hecanstartcountingtoassert control,physicallymove tohisdesk, andbeginworking.Whenhe finds

himself gettingoff track,hecancountdown5-4-3-2-1again.TheRulemakesit

easiertojustGETGOING,somethingthatwillhelpScottgaincontrolof hisworkandfeelbetterequippedtodealwithhisotherfinancialstressesheadon.

Andre also used the Rule to push past procrastination and act on his goals.Andreis16yearsold,buthe’salreadylearninghowtobeatprocrastinationandisstartingtowriteabook!Hesaidthathealwayshadexcuses:thathewasn’t“ready,toobusy,notsmartenough.”TheRulehelpedhimto“getpastthoseexcuses”andnowheistakingactiononhisbook.

Andreshowsusthatatanyageandwithanygoalwehavethepowertoownourselves, look inside, take “a step,” try “something,” and “changemy life.”Thereasonwhyjuststartingissoimportantisbecauseyou’llalsobetappingintowhatresearchers call “the progress principle,” which describes the phenomenon that

forwardprogressof anykind,includingsmallwins,boostsourmoodandincreases

ourhappinessandproductivitylevels.

Ontopof that,onceyoustartaproject,you’llhavetriggeredamechanisminyourbraintocueyoutokeepatit.AsImentionedearlierresearchershavefoundoutthatthebrainremembersunfinishedtasksbetterthanfinishedones.Onceyoustart,yourmindwillkeepnudgingyoutofinish.

I also told you that my snooze button habit was a form of procrastination.NowIunderstandwhy.Itgavememomentaryrelief fromthelargerstressesinmylife.That’swhy Ihit it.When I reflectback, I seenow that Ibroke thehabitbycreating a “starting ritual”—the #5SecondRule. My snooze button habit gotreplacedwithapositivenewone:counting5-4-3-2-1andthenstandingupandstartingtheday.Sevenyears later,Istillcountbackwardsto launchmyself outofbedeverysinglemorning.

So,insum,here’showyoucanmosteffectivelyusethe#5SecondRuletobeatprocrastination: use it to make yourself start. Start small. Attack what you areavoiding for just 15minutes at a time. Then, take a break and watch a few catvideos.Andforcryingoutloud,giveyourself abreakforblowingthingsoff untilnow.You’reonlyhuman.

Allof thisstuff iscommonsense.Youeattheelephant(intheroom)onebiteatatime.Whatwearelearningoverandoverinthisbookisthatunlessyoubeatthefeelingsthattriggeryourbadhabits,andyoupushyourself tojustgetstarted,you’llneverchange.

You’lleitherfindawayoryou’llfindanexcuse.

PART4

COURAGECHANGESYOURMIND

I

HOWTOBECOMETHEHAPPIESTPERSONYOUKNOW

nthenextthreechapters,you’lllearnthestep-by-stepapproachtohowyoucanuse the #5SecondRule in combination with some recent research-based

strategiestobeatfear,stopworrying,manageorcureanxiety,andchangethewayyouthink.

If you’veseenmeonTVasacommentatorforCNNorreadmycolumnsinSUCCESSmagazine,it’seasytoassumethatIwasbornwiththeconfidenceof awarrior. That assumption only gets strengthened when you watch my YouTubevideos,myTEDxTalk,orexperiencemeliveonstage.Yes,Iamconfidentnow,butIwasnotbornthisway.Formostof myadultlife,Iwasaloud-mouthedextrovertwhowasplaguedbydeepinsecurity.ConfidenceisaskillI’vebuiltovertheyearsbypracticingactsof everydaycourage.

Whatalotof peopledon’tknowaboutmeisthatIhavesufferedfromanxietyformore than twenty-five years. I had debilitating post-partum depressionwhenourfirstdaughterSawyerwasbornandIcouldn’tbeleftalonewithherforthefirsttwomonths.IhavetakenZolofttocontrolmypanicattacksfornearlytwodecades.Thestrugglewithmythoughtshasbeenrealand,attimes,terrifying.

When I first discovered theRule, I used it to changemybehavior.TheRuleworkedwonders, and as actingwith everyday couragebecame secondnature,myconfidence grew stronger. However, anxiety never disappeared. It was theresimmeringbeneath the surface. I focusedon learning to livewith it,managing it,andmakingsureIdidn’tletitboiloverintofullblownpanic.

Aboutfouryearsago,Istartedtowonderif Icouldusethe#5SecondRuletochangemorethanmyphysicalbehavior.Iwonderedif Icouldchangemythoughts.Ihadseentheeffects ithadonotherhabits—sowhynottrytobreakthementalhabitof anxiety,panic,andfear?Theyarepatternsthatwerepeatafterall.Theyarejusthabits.

I startedusing theRule to change theway thatmymindworked. IbeganbyusingtheRuletobreakthehabitof worrying.AsImasteredthatskill,IusedtheRuletocontrolmyanxietyandbeatmyfearof flying.Itworked.

As I write this sentence, I can tell you—I have cured myself of anxiety. Ihaven’ttakenZoloftinyearsandampanicattack-free.Inolongerhaveahabitofworrying. And my fear of flying? Gone. Learning to take control of my mind,directmythoughts,anddismantlefearhasbeenthesinglegreatestthingIhaveeverdoneto improve thequalityof my life. Ialmostnever feelworried.AndtheraretimesthatIdo,Ijust,5-4-3-2-1anddirectmymindtowardsthesolutionsratherthanworryingabouttheproblems.IhavetransformedmymindusingtheRuleandIamthehappiestandmostoptimisticthatIhaveeverbeen.Mymindisworkingformeinsteadof againstme.

Now,it’syourturn.

First,you’lllearnhowtobreaktheaddictiontoworryingandnegativeself-talkusingthe#5SecondRule,thescienceof habits,andthepowerof gratitude.

Second,you’lldiveintothesubjectof anxietyandpanic.You’lllearnwhatitisandwhat it isn’t. And I will give you the step-by-stepmethod for how you caninterrupt,reframe,andeventuallyeliminateanxietyfromyourownlife.

Finally,you’lllearnaprovenstrategyforhowyoucanbeatanyfear.Usingmyfear of flying as an example, you’ll learn how to use the Rule with “anchorthoughts”topreventfearfromtakingoveryourmind.

Everythingyouareabouttolearnissosimpleandpowerfulthatyoucaneventeachittoyourkids.

Lifeisamazing.

Andthenit’sawful.

Andthenit’samazingagain.

Andinbetweentheamazingandtheawful,

it’sordinaryandmundaneandroutine.

Breatheintheamazing,holdonthrough

theawful,andrelaxandexhale

duringtheordinary.That’sjustliving.

Heartbreaking,soul-healing,amazing,

awful,ordinarylife.Andit’s

breathtakinglybeautiful.

-LRKnost

M

CHAPTERTWELVE

STOPWORRYING

ore than anyother change, ending yourhabitof worryingwill create thesinglebiggestpositiveimpactinyourlife.Believeitornot,youweretaught

how toworry.As a kid, you heard your parentsworrying constantly “Be careful,”“Wearahatoryou’llcatchacold,”and“Don’tsitsoclosetotheTV.”Asadults,wespendwaytoomuchtimeandenergyworryingaboutthingsthatwecan’tcontrolorthatcould gowrong.When you get to be near the end of your life, you’ll wish youhadn’t.

Dr.KarlPillemerisaprofessorof HumanDevelopmentatCornellUniversityandisthefounderof theLegacyProject.Hehasmetwith1,200seniorcitizenstodiscussthemeaningof life.Hewas“shocked”tolearnthatmostpeopleneartheend of their lives had the same regret:Iwish I hadn’t spent somuch of mylifetimeworrying.Theiradvicewas“devastatinglysimpleanddirect:worry isanenormouswasteof yourpreciousandlimitedlifetime.”

Youcanstopworrying.Andthe#5SecondRulewillteachyouhow.Worryingisadefaultsettingthatyourmindgoestowhenyouaren’tpayingattention.Thekeyiscatchingyourself whenyoudriftintoworry,andthenregainingmentalcontrolbyusingtheRule.Here’sanexample.

Myhusbandrecentlygothismotorcycle licenseand justboughtasmall,usedmotorcycle.Yesterday, Iwassitting inside thehouseandnoticedhimon thebikepullingoutof thedriveway.Ashedrovedown the road, Inoticed thatmymindimmediatelystartedtodrifttowardworry.

I startedworryingaboutwhetherornothewouldgethitby a car,becomeastatistic,andif Iwouldsoongetacallfromthepolicetellingmethathe’sbeeninanaccident.Theworryhijackedmewithinfiveseconds.Thatfast.Andyouknowwhat?Myworryingaboutitwon’tkeephimsafeanditwon’tpreventanaccident.Asone83-year-old in the study said,myworrying “won’t solve anything.” ItwilljustputmeonedgefortheentiretimeChrisisoutridinghismotorcycle—whichrobsmeof enjoyingthepresentmoment.

AssoonasIcatchmyself worrying,IusetheRule,5-4-3-2-1andIthinkofsomethingmorepositive—like the thoughtof himsmilingashedrivesdowntheroad.

Thefunnything is thatChris isalsoahugecyclist.Hecompetes intriathlonsandisoutontheroadtaking40to50miletrainingridesbyhimself allthetime.Ineverworryaboutthat.ButhereIamworryingaboutthemotorcycleheisdrivingdown our road at 10miles per hour. Could something go wrong?Of course itcould.Butitusuallydoesn’t.

WhenyoustarttousetheRuletoendworrying,you’llbeamazedbyhowoftenyourmindjustdriftstosomethingnegative.Minedoesiteveryday.Itreallysucks.Andeachday,Ifightagainstit.TherearesomedaysthatIhavetousetheRulea

dozen ormore times to controlmy thoughts. Just the other day I caughtmyself

driftingintoworryoverandoveragain.

OurdaughterswerereturninghomefromaservicetripinPeruandthroughoutthe day, I caughtmymind drifting to thoughts of plane crashes, missed flights,fallingoff acliff intheAndes,busaccidents,lostbags,andthegirlsbeingstrandedattheairport.Thegirlswerefine,andwithouttheRuleIwouldhaveruinedmyday.EachtimeIcaughtmyminddriftingtoabadthought,Iwouldsaytomyself “ohnoyoudon’t…”and justpoint it toathoughtthatmademesmile—likethegirlstalkingamillionmilesanhour thatnight in thekitchenas they toldusabout thetrip.

FeelingsofLoveOftenTriggerWorry

Another thing that has surprisedme aboutworry is just how subtle it is andhow fast it can seize control of you. I’ve been surprisedbyhowoften I start toworrythemomentthatIfeelhappinessorlove.

Thisspring, ithappenedtomeasIwaslookingatour17-year-olddaughter.Ihad this incrediblemomentwhenmyheart just suddenly swelled up and I felt atidal wave of love wash over me. And then, without warning, all these worriesfloodedintomymindandstolethemoment.AllIfeltwasfear.

Wewereatthemall.Sawyerwastryingondressesforherhighschoolprom.Ithadbeen a long afternoon.Wewereonour thirddress store, and shehad easilytriedonmorethan40dresses—andshehatedeverylastoneof them.Tellinghershelookedamazingonlymadehermoodworse.

Iwasinthedressingroomwithher,puttingtherejectsbackonthehangersandhandingherthenextgowntotryon.Istartedpanickingthatwe’dneverfindonethatsheliked.Ihandedheranotheronetotryonandsaid,“Let’sjustbangthrough

thesenextthreeandthengetoutof here.”Isteppedoutof thedressingroomto

givehersomespaceandcalledChris.

Suddenlyshecalledouttome,“Mom.Canyoucomeinhere?”

Itriedtoreadhervoicebutcouldn’ttell if shewascrying,frustrated,needinghelpwithastuckzipper,orsomethingelse.Icrackedopenthedoor.ShehadonafloorlengthgownandIcouldseeherreflectioninthemirrorandshelooked,inaword, stunning. Itwasperfect.Thedresswaspeachandhadbeautiful flowysidepanelsthatwerepink.Itwaseverythingshehadwanted—nosparkles,nolace,anopenback,andabrightcolor.Oureyescaughtinthemirror.

“Whatdoyouthink,Mom?”

Icouldfeelthetearscoming.Whenshewasaninfant,Irememberexperiencingthatsametidalwaveof emotionthatcanwashoveryouwhenyoulovesomeonesomuch. In themiddle of the night, I’dwake up to go check in onher, and therestandingaloneinhernursery,watchinghersleeponherbackwithherarmsraisedupaboveherhead,I’dgethitwiththistidalwaveof love—andjustmarvelatmyabilitytolovesomethingsomuch.Itfeltlikemyheartmightburst.

That’swhatIfeltstandingoutsidethedressingroominthemall.Ijustfeltlove.Andthen,theworriesrushedinandstolethemomentfromme.Withoutwarning,Iwasthinkingaboutherheadingoff tocollege,gettingmarried,beinganewmom,livingfarawayfromme,timepassing,gettingolder,andmylifebeingover.Mylifeflashedbeforeme.Timewasracingbyandforafleetingmoment,IfeltIwaslosingher.Ifeltoverwhelmedwithsadnessandlossandmyeyesswelledwithtears.

Sawyersawmegettingemotional,andthoughtitwasbecauseof thedress.“Ah,Mom.Don’t cry.You’llmakemecry.”But Iwascryingbecauseof howscared Iwastoseehergrowup.IwascryingbecausetimewaspassingtoofastandIwantedlifetoslowdown.Worryrobbedmeof allthejoyinthatmoment.Ittookmeaway

fromSawyerandintoadarkplaceinmyhead.Insteadof justbeingpresentandinaweof mybeautifuldaughter,Ifeltafraid.

That’s howworries and fearhijack yourmind and rob youof themagic andwonderinyourlife.BrenéBrownobservedthisexactphenomenoninherresearchfor her best-sellerDaringGreatly. She found that feeling a worst-case scenario inmoments of joy (such as not being able to enjoy a hugwith your childwithoutworrying about something bad happening to him) is an amazingly commonphenomenon.Andwhyisitsohardforustosoftenintojoy?“Becausewe’retryingtobeatvulnerabilitytothepunch,”saysDr.Brown.

When yourmind takes you somewhere sad, dark, doubtful, or negative, youdon’thavetogowithit.IlovewhatHeinwrotetome:“99.999%of thetime,ithasalwaysbeenafakerealitythatIhadcreatedinmyhead.”

When you find your inner voice becoming an “enemy,” as Hein and I haveexperienced, it’s important to “stop worrying” and recognize that in those 5seconds,youcanreclaimcontrol.

I started to silentlycounting tomyself,“5-4-3-...” andas Icounted, I couldfeel the fear lowering inside by body. Counting yankedme out of my head andplantedmeinthepresentmoment.Itswitchedgearsfromworrytofocus.Iwasnotgoingtoletmybrainrobmeof thisexperiencewithmydaughter.Iwasnotgoingtoallowthehabitof worryingtoderailmefrombeinginthepresentandtakingamentalphotograph.

ThenIaskedmyself twosimplequestions:“WhatamIgratefulforinthismoment?Whatdo Iwant to remember?”Whenyouask that simplequestion, you impact yourbrainatabiologicallevel.Inordertorespondyouhavetotakestockof yourlife,relationships,andworkandsearchforananswerinthemoment.

Itforcesyoutofocusonthepositiveaspectsof yourlife.Assoonasyouthinkaboutwhatyouaregratefulfor,you’llstartfeelinggratefulinsteadof worried.Theanswer to thequestionwasclear tome. Iwasgrateful tohavesuchan incredibleyoungwomanasmydaughter.Andafterthreehoursof drama,Iwasalsogratefulshefoundadress.

KatieisalsousingtheRuletoreflectonwhatsheisgratefulforandtocontrolherworries:

“Nothing”inlifeisperfect.Nothingatall.Butyoucanuse5-4-3-2-1toquietthemental chatter and learn to appreciate all of the small moments like feelinggratefulforyourdaughter.

Feelinggratefuldoesn’tjustfeelgood.AccordingtoneuroscientistAlexKorb,itchanges your brain chemistry by activating the brainstem region that produces

dopamine. With my worries gone, I took a deep breath and stepped into the

dressingroomtomovecloser toherandputmyhandonhershoulder.Oureyesmetinthemirror.

“Well?Whatdoyouthink,Mom?”

“IthinkLukeisgoingtohaveaheartattack.Youlookabsolutelygorgeous.”

It’sokaytobescared.Beingscaredmeansyou’reabouttodosomethingreally,reallybrave.

A

CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

ENDANXIETY

nxietyiswhathappenswhenyourhabitof worryingspiralsoutof control.Asalifelonganxietysufferer,Iknowalltoowellthegripitcanholdonyou

andhowscaryitcanfeel.Ialsoknowhowtobeatit.Usingthe#5SecondRuleincombinationwithastrategycalled“reframing”istheanswer.

The key to beating anxiety is understanding it. If you can catch it right as itkicksinandreframeit,you’llstabilizeyourthoughtsbeforeyourmindescalatesitintofullblownpanic.Andovertime,asyouusethe#5SecondRuleoverandover,youranxietywillweakenandbecomewhatitstarted—outassimpleworries.Asyoujustlearned,thehabitof worryiseasytobreak.

I think I was born anxious. As a child, my parents said I had a “nervousstomach” and I worried about everything. I was that kid at camp who was sohomesickshehadtogohomeearly.Asacollegestudent,myfacewouldturnasredasatomatowhenIgotcalledon.IreliedonliquidcouragetotalktohotguysatpartiesbecausewithoutalcoholI’dgetstresshivesonmyneck.

The panic attacks started in my early twenties, when I began law school. Apanicattackfeels likeyou’reabouttohaveaheartattackandcanhappenfortworeasons:one,becauseyouhavesomethingscary todo (publicspeaking, facinganex,gettingonairplane),ortwo,fornoreasonatall.

If you’ve never had a panic attack, here’s the bestway to describe them: it’swhen your mind and body have a “near miss” experience that’s totally out ofcontext.Allowmetoexplainusingareallysimpleanalogy.

NormalPanicvs.PanicAttacks

There will be tons of times in your life when you will panic and it will becompletelynormal.Let’ssayyouaredrivingacarandareabouttochangelanesonthehighway. Suddenly,outof nowhere, a car racesby you and cuts youoff, youswervetogetoutof thewaybuttheynearlymissyou.Whena“nearmiss”happensonthehighwayyoufeelasurgeof adrenalineracethroughyourbody.Yourheartraces.Yourbreathspeedsup.Yourcortisolsurges.Yourbodygoesintoastateofhyper-alertness so you can take control of the car. You might even get a littlesweaty.

Assoonasyourbodyfreaksout,ittriggersyourmindtofindareasonwhyyourbodyissoagitated.Inthisexampleonthehighway,yourbrainknowsyoualmostgotinacarcrashandthat’swhyyourbodyfreakedout.

When your mind has an explanation for why your body just freaked out, itwon’tescalatetheanxiety.Yourmindwillallowyourbodytocalmdownbecauseitknows the“danger”haspassed.Your lifewillgoback tonormal, andyou’llbealittlemorecautiouswhenyouchangelanesnexttime.

When you have a panic attack, that same “nearmiss” sensation rushes yourmind and body, without any warning and with no preceding event. You’ll bestandinginyourkitchen,pouringacupof coffeeandoutof nowhereyouhaveasuddensurgeof adrenalineracethroughyourbodyjustlikewhathappenedwhenthatcarnearlymissedyouonthehighway.

Your heart races. Your breath speeds up. Youmight get a little sweaty. Yourcortisol surges. Your body goes into a state of hyper awareness. Now that yourbodyisinanarousedstate,yourmindisgoingtoracetotryunderstandwhy.If youdon’t have a legitimate reason why, your mind will think you must be in actualdanger.Yourmindwill goprehistoric on you and escalate the fear, thinking thatdangerisimminent.

Asyourheartstartstorace,yourmindracesforanexplanationsoitcanmakesenseof what’shappeningtoyourbodyanddecidehowtoprotectyou.MaybeI’mhavingaheartattack.MaybeIdon’twanttogetmarriednextmonth,afterall.MaybeI’mgettingfired…maybeI’mdying.

If yourmindcan’tfindasuitableexplanation,yourbrainwillmaketheanxietyworsesothatyouwillwanttophysicallyrunawayfromthesituationandleavetheroom.If you’veeverseensomeonehaveapanicattack,theyfreakout,dartaround,have scattered thoughts, a “deer in the headlights” look, and suddenly “have toleavetheroom.”It’saviciouscycleandoneIwastrappedinforyears.

Foralongtime,Iunderstoodneitherthedifferencebetweennormalpanicandpanicattacks,northerolethatmymindwasplayinginescalatingmyanxiety.Iwenttotherapistsandtriedallkindsof cognitivetechniquestotrytostopmyself frompanicking.ItgotsobadthatIbecameafraidof thepanicattacksthemselves,andthatfear,of course,justmademehavemorepanicattacks.

Finally, I just medicatedmyself with Zoloft (a miracle drug). Zoloft workedwondersforme—foralmosttwodecades.Andif youareinaholeyoucan’tclimb

out of, get professional help (and possibly drugs). While not a substitute fortherapy,theycanbelifechanging.

IassumedthatIwouldjusttakeZoloftfortherestof mylife.Andthenwehadkidsandallthreeof themstartedtostrugglewiththeirownformof anxiety.Itwasbeyondmereworrying.Theanxietywasimpactingtheirlives—theystoppeddoingsleepovers,sleptonthefloorof ourbedroom,andwereworriedabouteverything.Oakleycalledhispanickystate“Oliver”andourdaughterSawyercalledheranxietya“What-if Loop.”Sheonceturnedtomeandsaid:

“It’slikethere’sthis“What-if Loop”inmyheadandonceIstartthinkingaboutallthe“What-ifs”Igetstuckthinkingaboutallthe“What-ifs”andIcan’tgetoutof itbecausetherearealways“What-ifs.”

Iknewhowscaryitwastosufferfromit,anditwasdownrightheartbreakingtoseeourkidsstrugglingandafraid.Itwasveryeye-openingandfrustratingtryingtohelp themdealwith theiranxietybecausenothingworked.Wewent to specialistsand tried all kindsof techniques.We setupgameswithprizes for them to“facetheirfears.”Itjustseemedtogetworse.

Icameoff ZoloftsoIcouldfacemyownanxietyheadonwithoutthehelpofdrugs.Iwantedtounderstand itbetterandfigureouthowtobeat it—soIcouldhelpmykidsfigureoutwaystobeattheirs.Here’swhatIlearned.

TryingToCalmDownDoesNotWork

I’vespentcountlesshourswiththerapistswhohavetoldmeandthekidstojust“changethechannel”andthinkaboutsomethingelse.Thatworksif youaremerelyworried, but on its own, that strategy doesn’t work for full-blown anxiety. Andthere’s a reason.When you feel anxious, you are in a state of physical agitation.Whenyoutellapersontocalmdown,youareaskingsomeonetogofrom60mph

to0mph.It’sliketryingtostopafreighttrainbythrowingaboulderinfrontof it;

it’lljumpthetracks.

A study in the journal Behavior Research and Therapy showed that people whonaturally try to suppress their unwanted thoughts end up beingmore distressed by saidthoughts.That’s right,whenyou try to tell yourself to justcalmdown,youmakethe anxietyworse because you are fighting against it!When you understandhowpanicworks,whatitis,andtheroleyourbrainhasinmakingitworse,youcanbeatit.

There are two strategies that work incredibly well together: Using the#5SecondRuletoassertcontroloveryourmindandthenreframingtheanxietyasexcitement so that your brain doesn’t escalate it and your body can calm down.Here’showyoudoit.

ExcitementandAnxietyFeeltheSameInYourBody

Ifirstusedthis“reframingstrategy”asapublicspeaker.Igetalotof questionsaboutpublicspeakingandspecificallyhowdidIgetovermyfearsandnervesaboutpublic speaking.Myansweralways surprisespeople: I havenever gottenovermyfearsandnerves;Ijustusethemtomyadvantage.

I speak for a living. A lot. In 2016, I was named the most-booked femalespeaker in America—98 keynotes in one year. Amazing. Do I get nervous?Absolutely.Everysingle time.Buthere’s the trick: Idon’tcall it“nerves.”Icall it“excitement” because physiologically anxiety and excitement are the exactsamething.Letmesaythatagain.Fearandexcitementaretheexactsamethinginyourbody.Theonlydifferencebetweenexcitementandanxietyiswhatyourmindcallsit.Likethe“nearmiss”example.If yourbrainhasagoodexplanationforwhyyourbodyisfreakingout,itwon’tescalatethings.

ThefirsttimeIeverreallygavealegitimatespeechwasthatTEDxTalkinSanFrancisco.IrememberstandingbackstagelisteningtoonePhDafteranotherPhDgive their talks, thinking to myself, “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever gottenmyself into.Iamgoingtosoundlikeacompletemoroncomparedtothesesmartpeople.”

Mypalmsweresweaty.Myheartwasracing.Myfacewashot.Myarmpitsweredripping likeNiagara Falls.My bodywas preparing forACTION! Itwas gettingready to do something. But I toldmyself that Iwas nervous. I labeled all thosesensations as a sign that somethingbadwas about tohappenand thenervesgotworse.

Wanttoknowsomethingwild?Sixyearsandhundredsof speecheslater…Istillfeel theEXACT same things inmy body back stage.My palms sweat.My heartraces.Myfacegetshot.Myarmpitsstartdripping.Physiologically,I’minastateofarousal. I’m about to go intoACTION andmy body is getting ready. I feel theexactsamethingasfear,Ijustchannelitinapositivedirection.

ThemorespeechesIgive,themorecomfortableandconfidentIbecameaboutwhat I was saying, but as I gained confidence in my ability I noticed that thefeelingsinmybodydidn’tdisappear.That’swhenitdawnedonmethatmaybethiswas just my body’s way to get ready to do something cool. So, I started tellingmyself thatIwasgettingexcited;insteadof callingitnervousness.

SayYou’reExcited

Ineverknewmy“trick”hadsomeserioussciencebehindit.It’scalled“anxietyreappraisal.”Reframingyouranxietyasexcitementreallyworks.Itisassimpleasitis powerful. Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks hasconducted study after study to prove that it not onlyworks to lower anxiety—itactuallymakesyouperformbetterinmathtests,speaking,andsoforth!

Inanutshell,sinceanxietyisastateof arousal,it’smucheasiertoconvinceyourbrain that all those nervous feelings are just excitement rather than to try to calmyourself down. When using this technique in experiments ranging from singingkaraoketogivingaspeechoncameratotakingamathtest,participantswhosaid“I’mexcited”didbetter ineverysinglechallengethanthoseparticipantswhosaid“I’manxious.”Reframingyournervousintoenthusiasmworks,justasSuzidid.Sheusedthe#5SecondRuleto5-4-3-2-1andkept“thatfeeling”inherstomachfromstoppingher:

Now, here’s the catch about telling yourself “I’m excited”—it doesn’t actuallylowerthefeelingssurgingthroughyourbody.Itjustgivesyourmindanexplanationthat empowers you. That way the nervous feelings do not escalate. You stay incontrolandtheagitationinyourbodywillstarttocalmdownasyoubegintomove.

Thenext time youhave a panic attackwhilemaking coffee, experience stagefright,havepre-game jitters,orareworryingaboutabigexamora job interview,usethe#5SecondRuleandthisnewresearchtobeatyouranxiety.

Assoonasyoufeeltheanxietytakeoveryourbody,takecontrolof yourmind,5-4-3-2-1juststarttellingyourself “I’msoexcited”andpushyourself tomoveforward.

ThisiswhatJ.Gregdidwhenhereframedhisfeelingsinordertobeatanxiety:

Thephysicalimpact(thepush)iscriticalanditbeginswithcounting.Exertingyourself allowsyourprefrontalcortextotakecontrolandfocusyouonapositiveexplanation.Whenyoufirststartusingthisstrategyyoumighthavetorepeatit27timesinonehour.Thefirsttimeour11-year-oldusedittobeathisanxietyaboutsleepingoveratafriend’shouse,hesaid“I’mexcitedtosleepover”overandoverfortheentiresix-miledrive...blesshislittleheart.

WhenIpulledintoQuinn’sdriveway,Iputthecarinparkandsaid,“Howareyoudoing?”He responded,“Myheart is still racingandmy stomach feels funny,but I’m excited to sleep over.” That was six months ago. His anxiety aboutsleepoversisgone.He’snowactuallyexcited.Andthat’sthepowerof thistool:Ittrulyworks.

“Youarebraverthanyoubelieve,strongerthanyouseem,andsmarterthanyouthink.”

-AAMilne

F

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

BEATFEAR

earwillmakeyoudonuttythings.Oneof mygreatestfearsinlifeusedtobedying in a fiery plane crash.When I had to get on a plane, I used to be a

completeweirdo.Ihadall thesesuperstitionsaboutflying.First,Iwouldscantheboarding area looking forwomenwith small babies,men orwomen in uniform,priests, nuns, wheelchairs, off-duty pilots catching a ride home, or just generallykind-lookingpeople.Then,Iwouldtellmyself thatGodwouldn’tlettheplanegodown with these nice folks onboard. That would assuageme until I got on theplane.Theneverybumpor sound theplanemadeon the taxiout to the runwaymademyheartraceandchesttighten.

Takeoff wastheworst.Bythetimethewheelsleftthetarmac,Iwasusuallyinafullstateof panic.I’dclosemyeyesandvisualizeanexplosion,terrorists,myrowgettingsuckedoutof theplane,ortheplanejustdroppingfromthesky.I’dsqueezethe arm rest and could barely breathe. If the captain spoke to us over theloudspeakermyfearindexwouldcutinhalf.Ididn’trelaxuntiltheseatbeltlights

turnedoff,whichwasmysignthatthepilotsbelieveditwassafetomoveaboutthe

cabin. Inmymind, thismeant that the immediate threatof deathbyplanecrashwasover.

I curedmyself of my fear of flying, using the#5SecondRule and a specificformof anxietyreappraisalthatIcall“anchorthoughts.”AndyoucanusetheRulethe exact samewaywith any fear. Zahara did sowith her fear of flying “and itworked!”

Here’showIdidit.It’sthesametechniquethatIspokeabouttoZahara.

CreateanAnchorThought

First,beforeanytrip,Icomeupwithmy“anchorthought.”This isathoughtthatisrelevanttothetripthatIamtakingandwillanchormeif fearsetsin.Istartbythinkingaboutthetrip,whereIamflyingto,andwhatIamexcitedtodoonceIgetthere.

If Iamheading toseefriends inDriggs, Idaho,myanchor thoughtmightbeclimbingTableTopmountain. If I’m traveling home toMichigan, Imight thinkaboutthemomentwepullintothedrivewayof myparents’houseandmykidsrunoutof thecartohugmyfolksorof takinganicewalkalongLakeMichiganwith

mymom.If I’mheadingtoameetinginChicago,I’llthinkaboutgettingadelicious

dinnerwithaclient.OnceIhaveaspecificimageinmind,therestisveryeasy.

This useof the#5SecondRule is a formof what researchers call “If,Then”planning. It’s a way to keep yourself in control by creating a backup plan inadvance.PlanAisnottogetnervous.

ButiIdogetontheplaneandstarttofeelnervous,theIhavemyPlanB:I’lluse the#5SecondRule andmy anchor thought tobeatmy fearof flying. Studiesshowthatthiskindof If-Thenplanningcanboostyoursuccessratesbyalmost3times.

OnthePlane

Themoment I notice something thatmakesmenervous,whether that be analarmingsound,turbulence,aclimbthatseemstobetakingtoolong,weatherthatlooksominous,orabadvibefromapassengernexttome,myfearscanbeeasilytriggeredbecausemypatternof thinkingissoingrained.Whenthishappens,Istarttocount5-4-3-2-1toflushthefearoutof myhead,activatemyprefrontalcortexandpullmyself intothepresentmoment.

Then,Iforcemyself toanchoronthespecificimagesof whereIamflyingtoandIthinktomyself abouthowexcitedIamtowalkonthebeachwithmymom,have dinner with a client in Chicago, or climb Table Top Mountain with mybuddies.

These anchoring images are powerful reminders of a simple truth…if I amsittinginarestaurantinChicagohavingdinnerwithmyclientstonight,orwalkingthebeachinMichigantomorrowmorningwithmymom,orarrivinghomeintimetomakethegirls’lacrossegame,obviouslytheplanedidn’tcrashandIhavenothingtoworryabout.Most important,Igivemymindthecontext it is lookingfor—so

thatitdoesn’tescalatethefear.AsIthinkabouttheanchorthought,mybodycalms

down.

Byusingthistechniqueoverandoveragain,Icuredmyfearof flying.Andbyusing,Imeanusingitoverandover.Itwillgeteasierandeasieruntilsuddenly,youwon’tbeafraidanymore.You’llhave trainedyourmind todefault to thepositive:excitementaboutwhatyouareabout todo insteadof thefear.Danawasable tousethistechniquesuccessfullyandshe’snever“beensocalmwhenflying.”

And Fran put it to use on the flight home immediately after learning thetechniqueataconferenceinDallasanditmade“aworldof difference.”

IlovewhatFransaidattheendof hernote:“Ican’tbelievehowmuchIwasmissingbybeingafraid!”She’srightandit’sheartbreaking.Irealizedthesamething—Iwasrobbingmyself of joy,opportunity,andmagiceverysingledaybecauseIwaslivingwithfear.Itdoesn’thavetobethatway.Infivesecondsflat,youcantakecontrol.Youcanbeatfear.

Today,IamnevernervousorafraidwhenIboardaplane.Occasionally,if wehitroughturbulence,I’llbreakouttheRulesothatIdon’tdrivemyfingernailsintothearmof thepersonsittingnexttome.

However,IstillusethistechniquewhenIfaceotherfears.Beforeanegotiationor a difficult conversation, for example, I’ll create an anchor thought of theconversation or the negotiation going really well. Specifically, I might picturesomeonehuggingmeorthankingmefor“havingtheconversation”ortoastingthedealwithmybusinesspartneratourfavoritebar.

That thought keepsme grounded, present, and powerful.When you enter aconversationmanagingafear,youcan’tbeyourbestbecausepartof yourmindisbusytryingtomanagethatfearinrealtime.Whenyouhaveananchorthought,itallowsyoutodisappearthefearthemomentthatyounoticeyourminddrifttoit.

Remember, even though your fears and your habits can hijack you in fiveseconds,youcantakebackcontroljustasquicklyand“continuetodoso”forever.

Masteryourmindandanythingispossible.

PART5

COURAGECHANGESEVERYTHING

W

HOWTOBECOMETHEMOSTFULFILLEDPERSONYOUKNOW

e’renearingtheendof thebook.You’velearnedthestoryof theRule,youunderstandtheconceptof everydaycourage,andyou’vecoveredthemore

tactical uses of the #5SecondRule to change behavior and change your mind.You’renowreadytodiveintothedeeperandmoresoulfultopicsthatimpactyourconnectiontoyourself.

First,you’llexploreconfidenceandhowyoucanbuilditusingactsof everydaycourage. You’ll learn about the surprising connection between confidence andpersonality. You’ll meet people who have had great success building theirconfidence and you’ll read some deeply honest socialmedia posts about how toreconnectwiththemostimportantpersoninyourlife—yourself.

Second, you’ll learn how everyday courage helps you discover your passion.You’llmeetmen andwomenwho are using the#5SecondRule towin the battlewithfearandfindthecouragetopursuewhat’sintheirhearts.Theirexampleswillinspireyoutodothesame.

Third, you’ll explore what creates deep and meaningful connections inrelationshipsandwhycourageissuchacriticalcomponent.Theamazingstoriesinthissectionwillinspireyoutomakethemostof thetimeyouhavewiththepeopleyouloveandgiveyouonesimplethingthatyoucandoatanymomentandatanytimetodeepenyourrelationships.

Bringtissues.

Thisismyfavoritesectionof thebook.If youcanenrichyourself-confidence,passion, and connection with people, your life will transform in ways that youthoughtyoucouldonlydreamof.

Therewillalwaysbesomeonewhocan’tseeyourworth.

Don’tletitbeyou.

A

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

BUILDINGREALCONFIDENCE

big mistake people make is thinking that confidence is a matter ofpersonality.Confidence justmeans that youbelieve in yourself, your ideas,

andyourcapabilities.Anyonecanlearnhowtobecomemoreconfident.It’snotapersonalitytrait.It’saskill.

Youmayhaveanextrovertedpersonalityandtalka lot,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouareconfident.Themostvocalpersonintheroommightbereallyinsecureandonlysayswhathethinkswillmakehimlookgood.Looknofurtherthanme.Foralong time, Iwas loud and bossy, but I felt insecure inmyself,my ideas, andmyabilities.

Thequietestpeopleyouknowmightactuallybethemostconfident.Yourbestfriendwho’sanintrovertmightbelieveinherideaswithgreatconfidence(andget

annoyed when you don’t ask her about them), but she’s afraid of speaking upbecauseherfaceturnsred.Sheisn’tlackingconfidenceinherideas;shejustneedsalittlecouragetopushthroughherfearof beingjudgedforhavingrosycheeks.

Ihadanexperiencethatillustratestheconnectionbetweenconfidence,courage,andpersonality.Italsowillshowyouonceagaintheauthenticprideyoufeelwhenyou5-4-3-2-1topushyourself outsideyourcomfortzone.

Recently, I had a chance to speak at Cisco Systems, the largest networkingtechnologyand services company in theworld.A fewmonths later Iwas invitedbacktogiveasimilartalk,thistimetoaseniorengineeringgroup.

WhenIarrivedforthatsecondtalk,amancameuptomeasIwassettingupwith theAV team.Hewas so excited to seeme and greetedmewith thewarmembrace of an old friend. Being from theMidwest, I love nothingmore than agoodhug.Hecouldhardlycontainhisexcitement,andsaidthathe“hadsomethingsoexcitingtotellmeabouttheRule.”

HehadseenmespeakatCiscoLiveseveralmonthsback.Duringthatspeech,asIoftendo,Igavetheaudienceahomeworkassignmentusingthe#5SecondRule:

Introduceyourself tothreestrangerstoday,usingthe5SecondRule.

Then,IexplainedhowIwantedthemtodothisassignment:

Payattentiontoyourinstinctsandthemomentthatyoufeel“drawn”towardsomeone.That’sthe“pushmoment.”Grabit.Startcounting5-4-3-2-1andstartwalkingtowardthepersonwithinfivesecondsbeforeyourmindtalksyououtofit.

Next, I explained to the audience what they can expect when they try thissimple homework assignment.Themoment that they see someone they’d like tomeettheirmindswillfillupwithamillionexcusesforwhytheyshouldn’twalkoverandintroducethemselves:

Oh…wait.They’retalkingtootherpeopleandIdon’twanttoberude;shelooksbusysoI’llcatchherlater;he’slookingathisphonesoIdon’twanttointerrupt;there’snotalotof timesoI’lldoitatthenextbreak.

And all of those things you think—they aren’t true. Instead, it’s your braintryingtoderailyou.

Aftermynewengineerfriendrecappedmyownassignment,hethendescribedwhat had happened to him. After my speech, at Cisco Live, he was out in thehallway and he had a “pushmoment.” John Chambers, Cisco’s CEO, walked bywith a group of senior leaders.Now, youmust understand, JohnChambers is alegend atCisco and from all accounts, he’s a really great guy.Chamberswas theCEOfortwentyyearsandtheverynextday,itwasgoingtobeannouncedthathewouldbesteppingdownasCEOandthatChuckRobbinswouldbetakingover.

So,mynewfriendtheengineerwasstandinginthehallwayfreshfromlearningthe#5SecondRule.He sawChambers and his instincts fired up.He immediatelyhad the urge to introduce himself and thankChambers for inspiring him, alongwithlettinghimknowthepridethathefeltbeinganengineeratCisco.Hetoldmethatheknewheshoulddoitandhetriedtopushhimself,buthefroze.

Heexplainedthathefeltparalyzed,adding thathe isan“introvert”and“thissort of thing” doesn’t come naturally to him. The moment passed. His herodisappeareddownthehallandhespenttheremainderof thedaybeatinghimselfupfornottaking“hisshottomeethim.”Butluckily,that’snottheendof hisstory.

Thenextmorning,mynew friendwas joggingnext to theSanDiegoBay inEmbarcadero Park in downtown San Diego. This beautiful bike path along theMarina was (as usual) filled with runners, cyclists, and walkers. He had hisearphonesinandwaslisteningtomusic,takingitallin.Andallof asudden,whodoyouthinkwasaheadof himonthepath?That’sright,JohnChambers.

Chamberswasalone,hehadhisheadphoneson,andhe’sjoggingtoo.Myfriendtoldmethatheknewthiswasit.Nowornever.Hesaid,“IwasimmediatelyconcernedthatIwouldbe interruptinghis timetohimself andthat itwouldberude,butI caughtmyselfhesitatingandstartedcountingdown5-4-3-…”

He sped up to catchChambers, tapped him on the shoulder, apologized forinterrupting,andthenexplainedhowhehadalwayswantedtopersonallythankhimfor the incredible career hehas had atCisco.The twomen stopped jogging andstartedtowalkthroughtheEmbarcaderotogether.

Accordingtomyfriend,Chamberswasdelightfulandengaging.Theydiscussedall kinds of topics: work, life, and even an idea that my friend had related to aproject he was working on. At the end of the talk, Chambers shook his hand,thankedhimfor introducinghimself,andgave theengineer thenameof aseniorpersonintheorganizationinchargeof innovation.“UsemynameandtellhimwespokeandthatIwantedyoutoshareyourideawithhim,”Chamberssaid.

Mynewfriendwasbeamingbrightenoughtolightuptheroomashetoldmethe story. “Itwas the highlight of my career,Mel.And if it hadn’t been for the#5SecondRule,itneverwouldhavehappened.Icannotthankyouenough.”

Andthenheadded,“Oh,mygosh,Ialmostforgot;I’mnowinterviewingforajobwiththemanChambersintroducedmeto!”

Didhegetthejob?

Ihonestlyhavenoidea.Anewjobisn’tthepointof thestory.Thisisastoryabout acts of everyday courage and how they build confidence. This singularexperiencehasthepotentialtochangemorethanajob.If hecontinuestousetheRuletolistentoandfollowhisinstincts,itcouldverywellchangethetrajectoryofwhat’spossibleforhislife.

His exuberance was not necessarily about meeting the CEO, although that’scool,butmoreabouthowdarngooditfeelswhenyouhonoryourowndesiresandtakecontrolof yourlife.

Remember, confidence in yourself is built through acts of everyday courage.That’swhathewasexperiencing:theradianceof knowingthathecouldcountonhimself.Themorethatmyengineerfriendpracticesactsof everydaycourage,themoreconfidenthe’llbecomeinhimself.

Remember, confidence is createdby the small things youdo every singledaythatbuildtrustinyourself.

I received amessage from aman namedBill that will helpme illustrate thispointaboutlearningtotrustyourself.Billdescribedastrugglethatsomanyof usfacewithalevelof braverythatisinspiring.

“IHaveAnIssueBeingtheRealMe.”

Bill’slifeontheoutsidesoundsremarkable.He’smarried,hasfourgreatkids,averysuccessfulcareer,andisthepresidentof aprofessionalassociation.“Greatlife,huh?” Sure sounds like it. But there’s something missing. And it’s a meaningfulconnectionwithhimself.

Bill is courageousenough to admit thathe’s “not livingwithconviction”andthat(likesomanyof us)hehasdevelopedahabitof “hesitating,overthinking,thenneverdoingorsayingwhatIshouldbedoingorsaying.”Bill feelsas thoughhe’s“lostsomehowtheabilitytomakearealconnectionwithpeople.”

He’sforgettingthemostimportantpersonhe’slostconnectionwith—himself.Whenyou lose touchwiththerealyou,youwill feeladrift,you’ll loseconfidenceandyourlifewillloseits“flavorof congruency.”

Youcangetitbackwiththe#5SecondRule.Billstartedusingittoworkonhisrelationshipwithhimself.Togodeepand“littlebylittle”startwalkingthe“journeyof a thousandsteps,”pushinghimself todo thesmall things that“quietly” teachyoutotrustyourself.

Agoodlifeismadeupof smallsteps—“makingtoughdecisions,”“beingabletosayno,”even“gettingoutof bedandtakingthedogsout”justbecauseyousaidyouwould—theymaybelittlestepsin“learningtotrust”yourself,buttheyarethemost“exhilarating”movesthatyoucanmakeforyourconfidence.

Trayce is a 48-year-old stay-at-homemomwho felt stuck in a rut when shediscoveredthe#5SecondRuleand“WHAM…likealighthadbeenturnedon.”Sheuses the Rule to do things that “are small in the big scheme of things, but the

feelinganduplifttheygivemeishuge”—likespeakingatchurchorpostingaphoto

of herself online.

Here’sthethingwelearnedfromBill:Smallthingsarenotsmallatall.Theyarethemostimportantthingsof all.Andtheyaddup.Pushingyourself to5-4-3-2-1onthe“smallthings”givesyouconfidencetodothe“bigschemeof things.”

“Mostof theapplicationsweresmallinthebigschemeof things,butthefeelinganduplifttheygavemeishuge.

Hereisabrief listof somethingsIhavedoneusingthe5-secondrulethatIwouldnothaveotherwisedone.

Istoodupanddancedbymyself atamusicconcert,Itookandpostedapictureof myself withanauthorIadmire[Idon’tlikepicturesof myself],Ispokeinfrontof acongregationinmychurch,Ispoketomyhusbandaboutsomethingthatwasbotheringme,Iintroducedmyself topeopleIwantedtomeet,andIhaveaccomplishedmorearoundmyhome[notputtingthingsoff asmuch].

Inandof themselves,thesearenotearthshatteringevents,butIdidthembecauseof thepowerbehindMel’s5-secondrule.

Iamtryingtouse this toolnowfor thingsIconsider tobebiggerstrugglessuchas losingextraweightIhavebeencarryingaroundfor25yearsandtogettingupthecourage toattendmy30-yearHighSchoolReunion,consideringtheamountof weightIhavegained.

Ievenusedthe5-secondruletowriteandsubmitmystory.IalsotrytoshareMel’smessageof the5-secondrulewithothers and have heard and seen some people putting it into practice for themselves. I know Iwill continue to use thisempoweringandyetsosimplelife-changingformula.

For the first time ina long timeI feel like Iambeginning togetunstuckand climboutof my

rut…andIcan’twaittoseewhathappensnext.

Thankyou,Trayce”

Confidence builds when you do things that affirm your sense of self,particularlywhentheyarethingsthatyoumightnotnormallydo,likegettingupontime,speaking infrontof yourchurch,orchasingdowntheCEOof Ciscoonabikepath.Theseareactsof everydaycourageandtheybuildconfidence.

CrystalattendedthatsameCiscoLive2015eventastheengineerandshewrotetome about the#5SecondRule. She “realized that for the past 8 years” she had

“secondguessedeverystep”shehadtaken:Ithoughtsomeonewasinterestingandthenasecondlatermymindwouldgivemeamillionreasonswhynottotrytospeaktothem.

Shestartedimplementing5-4-3-2-1and“rightaway”byfirstsittingnexttopeopleshedidn’tknow inabreakoutsession.Thenextday,when the instructoraskedif anyonehadanyquestions,she“realizedIdidbutwasembarrassedtoevenask...then thought you knowwhat youwould have stood up if you just stoppedthinkingaboutitsoIdid.”

Using the #5SecondRule, she stood up and asked her question. She alsoinspiredtwootherwomentostanduptooinaroomfullof maleengineers.Next,she5-4-3-2-1andmadeherself gotoabasketballgamewhenshedidn’tfeellikeit andeven found thecourage toaskaVPforabusinesscard.Becauseof theseactsof everydaycourageherconfidencehasgrownsincetheeventandherlifehascompletelychanged:anewjob,anewtitle,andanewhouse.

Nobuo started using the #5SecondRule after he was “released from anexecutivedirector”role.Helosthismotivationand“feltincapable.”

UsingtheRuletopracticeactsof everydaycourage“littlebylittle,”NobuohasfoundjustlikeCrystaldidthat“thepowerandenergyhascomebacktomyheart,mindandbody.”It’scomebackbecausehehasproventohimself thathehasthepowertochangethingsinhislife.

There’s one more point I want to make about personality and confidence.Rememberwhat the engineer said right afterhedescribedhowhe froze the firsttimehesawChamberswalkbyinthehallway?Heofferedanexplanationof sorts,“I’man‘introvert’and‘thissortof thing’doesn’tcomenaturally.”

Whatif Itoldyouthatnothingaboutyourlifeorpersonalityisfixedor“comesnaturally”anyway?Nothingcomesnaturallyuntilyoupracticeit.That’swhyIkeepsayingyoumust“practice”actsof everydaycourage.

Youhave theability to improve,changeorenricheverysingleaspectof yourlife—through action. Professor Brian Little, a psychologist at the University ofCambridge, just gave a great TED Talk, “Who Are You, Really? The Puzzle ofPersonality.”Init,hetalksaboutthedifferencebetweenextrovertsandintrovertsandthethingsthatmakeuswhoweare.AccordingtoProfessorLittle,“It’sthedoings.

It’sthepersonalprojects.”Hedescribeshowsomeof ourtraitsaremorefixedandautomatic,butmanyare“freetraits”thatwecanadjustinordertoadvanceacore

projectinourlives.

Little explains that like theengineer atCisco,he’s alsoan introvert.However,hiscore,personalprojectistoprofess.Helovestoteach.Soevenasanintrovert,heis“actingoutof character”whenheisupinfrontof theclassconnectingwithhis students. How does he do it? Through deliberate and purposeful action. Hepusheshimself todoit.

Theengineer’spersonalprojectwastoexpresshisgratitudetoJohnChambers.That’swhyhehadtheinstinctto“actoutof character.”Howdidheactuallypushhimself todoit?The#5SecondRule.Inbothexamplestwothingswerepresent—adesire to do something meaningful (connect with students or a CEO) anddeliberateaction(apushtoactoutof character).

Does itfeelharderforan introvert towalkuptoaCEO,talk infrontof herchurch, or teach a class than it feels for an extrovert to do these things?Maybe.Maybenot.Dependsonhowconfident the individual is.Andconfidence, as youknow,hasnothingtodowithpersonality.

As Professor Little likes to say, “you are like some other people and like nootherperson.”WhatIdoknowisthatthefirsttimeyoudoanything,it’sgoingtofeeldifficultandmaybealittlescary.You’regoingtoneedalittlecourage.Weareallcapable of “acting out of character” when it serves an important purpose. ThemostimportantpurposeIcanthinkof isimprovingyourlifeinwaysthatmakeyoucomealiveandfeelhappyandfulfilled.

Howdoyou“actoutof character”todothatwork?Youguessedit:youassertyourself andpracticeactsof everydaycourageusingthe#5SecondRule.Thoseactsmaynotseem“earthshattering,”buttheywillshatterself-doubtovertime.

There’s somuch greatness inside each and every single one of us. The Rulehelpsusseehow“freaking incredible”weallare, justasAmberdiscoveredaboutherself.

Which takesusback to theverybeginningpoint:Themore thatyoupracticeactsof courage,themorethatyouwillbelieveyouareincontrolof yourlife,andasaresult,themoreconfidentthatyouwillbecome.Evenwhenwhatyouneedtodoscaresyoutodeath,theRulehelpsyoutakecourageousaction.Michellefoundthecouragetoquither“toxic,anxietyriddenjob”andeventhoughshe’s“scaredof theunknown,” that one act of everyday courage has made her “more confident inmyself andcapabilities.”

AsMichelle discovered, doing things that scare you actually make youmoreconfident. If you have the courage to take action, your confidence will follow.Everytimeyoupushyourself tospeakwhenyou’renervous,actwhenyou’reafraid,or get to the gym when you don’t feel like it, you realize that you can rely onyourself togetanythingdone.Fromthisbelief inyourpersonalabilitiesflowsyourconfidence.

Jay goes to a performing arts high school in Toronto but has “always beennervous to goout for things.”Using theRule, hehas auditioned formore roles,gottenmorepartsinshows,andhe’salso“gainedalotof self-confidence.”

Themore that youuse theRule, the faster your confidencewill grow. StaceyusestheRule“almostdaily”toactwithcourageand“talktopeoplefacetoface,”“dohomeshows”forherbusiness,and“nolongerhide”becauseof fear.UsingtheRule in acts of everyday courage has helped her “grow inways I never thoughtpossible.” She has cultivated the confidence she’s always wanted and it feels“amazing.”

Throughout this book, youhave read stories of peoplewhohave taken verysimple or seemingly small steps forward—and their entire outlook on life haschanged.It’stemptingtodismissthesestoriesbecauseitseemsimplausiblethatby

simply waking up on time every morning, you can create a chain reaction thatimpactsyourconfidence.However,thisisexactlyhowyoudoit.Stopfocusingonthebigthings.Use5-4-3-2-1-GOonthesmallestthings—andyouwillseethatthesemomentsareactuallynotsosmall.

As Bill said, daily courageous actions of getting out of bed, making toughdecisions,beingabletosayno,givingbackeverychanceyouget,andfocusingonprioritiescreatea rippleeffect thatchangeyour life.Theseare little stepsbut thepayoff is everything that youseek: confidence, control, anda senseof pride thatfeelsdamngood.

Speakfromyourheart,evenifyourvoiceshakes.

O

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

PURSUINGPASSION

vertheyears,I’vereceivedlotsof questionsabouthowtofindyourpassionandpurpose.NotoncehaveIeverbeenaskedtohelpsomeone“thinkabout

theirpassion.”That’sbecausefindingyourpassionisanactiveprocessandyou’llfindthatthe#5SecondRuleisanincredibletoolasopportunitiesstarttoappear.Whatstopspeoplefromfindingtheirpassionisthatcan’tgetoutof theirthoughtsandmoveintoaction.Whenyouusethe#5SecondRuleto5-4-3-2-1pushyourself tostartexploringandleanintoopportunitiesastheyappear,you’llbeshockedwhereitleads.

StartExploring

How do you explore?Hire the best guide you can find: your curiosity. Yourcuriosity is how your instincts get you to pay attention towhat your heart reallycaresabout.If youcan’tstopthinkingsomething,makesomethingyournewhobby.Also pay close attention to envy. If you find yourself jealous of someone else,explorethatfeeling.Whataspectof theirlifeareyoujealousof?Thismaygiveyouaclueintowhatyoureallywantforyourself.

Next,pushyourself totakesimplestepstoexplorethatsubject:readaboutit,watch video tutorials, talk to people, take a class, and write a plan. You’ll besurprisedbywhathappensovertime.

Your passion could be photography. When Chris first discovered the#5SecondRulefouryearsago,hewasaCIOatabank(andhestillis),andhehadalwayslovedphotography.HeusedtheRuletoforcehimself toexplorehispassion,and, two magazine covers and multiple awards later, he’s a professionalphotographer.

Maybeyou’reinterestedinlaunchingagourmetfoodbusiness.Itdoesn’tmatterif you’veneverdoneitbefore.Intoday’sworld,youhavesomanyresourcesatyourdisposal tohelpyouexplore.TakeEricasanexample.He lives inCambodiaandhadanideatostartanexportbusiness.He’spushinghimself tolearneverythinghecanbywatchingYouTubevideosandreadingbooks.

That’s how you “discover” your passion, you 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 explore until youbumpintoit.

BuildMomentum

Itwillstartasjustaninstinct.Italwaysdoes.Firstyoutakeaclass.Aclassleadsto a certification. A certification leads to conversations. Conversations lead toopportunities.Smallopportunities lead to largerones.Maybeyou’llwant tosharesomething what you’re learning with people at work, so you use the Rule pushyourself todoit.That’swhenmomentumkicksin.

You’llcursemeasthingsactuallystarttohappen,butyou’llthankyourself forfindingthecouragetotrustyourheartandexplorewhatyoufindfascinating.Jo,abankerinLondon,isafabulousexampleof howsomethingsmall, liketakingoneclass,cangrowintosomethingremarkablelikeawholenewcareer.Thisstoryisan

unbelievableexampleof howmomentumbuildsfromsomethingsmall.Checkthisout:

Jo, a banker in London, is a fabulous example of how something small, liketakingoneclass,cangrowintosomethingremarkablelikeawholenewcareer.Thisstoryisanunbelievableexampleof howmomentumbuildsfromsomethingsmall.Checkthisout:

As your exploration picks upmomentum, you’llmove into the next phase—actually pursuing your passion full-time. At some point, the side business ofphotography will become your real business. Your presentation to the Bank ofScotlandwillbecomeafull-blownspeakingcareer.

TheCouragetoCommit

There’s no magic formula for when to pull the trigger and turn a passionproject intoapassion-drivencareerormajor lifechange. It requiresplanningandsome slow, deep thinking. If you are anything like the rest of us, you’ll tortureyourself forawhileuntilyoucan’tstandstraddlingyourpresentlifeandthefutureone.

Michalhadamajorpassion that shewanted to turn intoa companyandhad“beenwantingtodoitforyearsbuthavejustheldback.”She5-4-3-2-1pushedherself “toannouncethestartof mynewbusiness.”Now,shehasareasonto“nothitthatsnoozebutton”anymore.

Wealldeservetowakeupsoexcitedthatwenolongerwantto“hitthatsnoozebutton,”justlikeMichal.If youarethinkingaboutmakingtheleaplikeher,makesuretobeintentionalabouthowyouaskyourself thequestion.

Youneedtoaskyourself theHeartFirstquestion,“AmIreadytocommittothis?”insteadof theFeelingFirstquestion,“DoI feelreadytocommittothis?”You’llneverfeelready.Themomentyouansweryestothequestion“AmIreadytocommittothis?”you’llneedtousetheRuletogiveyourself thatfinalpush.

Evenwhenyouare ready, it’snotgoing to feel goodwhenyoudo it. Just askTodd inAustralia.Toddhasknown for a long timeexactlywhathe ispassionateabout:physicaleducation.He’salwaysdreamedof teaching itandhavinghisownpersonaltrainingbusiness.Asahigh-schooler,ToddknewthathewantedpursueadegreeinPhysicalEducation,buthisparentssaid,“Ohno,youcan’tdothat…”Theypressuredhimtopursuea“professional”degreeinstead.

Fouryearslater,ToddwasaseniorinadualmajorprogramsplitbetweenLawandBusiness.Hisheartwasneverinit.AsTodddescribedinanemail,that“littlevoice”wasconstantlyinthebackof hishead“silently”echoing.Whydidhestayinthat major? Simple—his feelings. The thought of disappointing his parentsoverwhelmedhim.Everysingleday,hethoughtaboutwithdrawingandgoingtoadifferentcollegetostudyPhysicalEducation,buthefeltparalyzed.WalkingintotheRegistrar’sOffice and fillingoutpaperwork is easy.Facing thedisappointmentofyourparentsissoul-crushing.

Foralmostfouryears,Toddhadwantedtowithdraw,buthedidn’tknowhowtofacehisfearsorhisparents.The#5SecondRuleishowhefinallydidit.ToddwassittinginaLAWS5513LectureonAdvancedTaxationLawwhenherealizedthathewas“ready.”

AsToddputit:

“IcanattesttoyouthedislikeIhadforsuchaprogram;IwantedtowithdrawfromthemomentIstarted.Butwhatisperhaps,mostdisturbingaboutthisentiresituationisthatIhadliterallyallowedmyself tostudyadegreeuptothefinalyearbeforeIdecidedIwasentirelyandcompletelydonewithhatingmylife!”

Toddcouldseethefuture:

“Myparentswouldsendmeoff todomyMastersandalongIwouldgo,livingmylife…foreveryone,butme!”

He described the instinct to act and the five second decision that made ithappen.

“Juststart.Ineedtowithdraw.Igatheredupmybooksandstoodupinthemiddleof classandleft.”

Hisbodywas shaking,buthewasmoving—straight to theRegistrar’sOffice,where he unenrolled from theUniversity.He then got in the car and drove twohours southof Brisbane toTheQueenslandUniversityof Technology,whereheappliedforthedegreeof hisdreams.

ThatfatefulTuesdaymorningwastwoyearsago.Toddisnow24yearsoldandhalfwaythroughhisteachingdegreeandhas“neverhadthismuchfuninmylife.”HehasbeenacceptedintothehonorsEducationprogramfornextyear.Asheputsit:

“Ihavefoundmypurpose...thisisinfactexactlywhatIwassupposedtobedoingallalong.”

Asforhisparents,yestheyweredisappointedwhenheinitiallytoldthemthathedidn’twanttobealawyer,buttheywerewaymoredisappointedbythefactthatToddhadbeenscared(totellthem)andunhappyforsolong.

HaveFaith

Ibelieveyoucanmakeanythinghappenaslongasyoulistentoyourheart,dothework,andgiveupyourtimeline.Oneof myfavoritebooksistheinternationalbest-sellerTheAlchemist.It’soneof thebest-sellingbooksof alltimeandhasbeentranslatedinto80languages.I’verecommendeditformorethanadecade,andasIwas writing this book, I bought myself a new copy to keep me inspired andremindedthatthe“Wholeuniverseconspirestohelpyouwhenyoufollowyourheart.”

WhenIcrackedopenthetwenty-fifthanniversaryedition,Iwasblownawaybyastoryintheforwardof thebook.IhadnoideathatwhenTheAlchemistwasfirstpublishedinBrazil,itfailed.Miserably.

“WhenTheAlchemistwasfirstpublishedtwenty-fiveyearsagoinmynativeBrazil,noonenoticed.Abooksellerinthenortheastcornerof thecountrytoldmethatonlyonepersonpurchasedacopythefirstweekof itsrelease.Ittookanothersixmonthsforthebooksellertounloadasecondcopy—andthatwastothesamepersonwhoboughtthefirst!Andwhoknowshowlongittooktosellthethird.

Bytheendof theyear,itwascleartoeveryonethatTheAlchemistwasn’tworking.Myoriginalpublisherdecidedtocutmelooseandcancelledourcontract.Theywipedtheirhandsof theprojectandletmetakethebookwithme.Iwasforty-oneanddesperate.

ButIneverlostfaithinthebookoreverwaveredinmyvision.Why?Becauseitwasmeinthere,allof me,heartand soul. Iwas livingmy ownmetaphor.Aman sets out on a journey, dreaming of a beautiful ormagical place, in

pursuit of someunknown treasure.At the end of his journey, theman realizes the treasurewaswithhim the entiretime.”

Forty-oneanddesperate?IgotchillswhenIreadthatline.That’showoldIwaswhen I discovered the#5SecondRule, and that’s exactly how I felt.What I havecome to realize is there is no expiration date on discovering and expressing thepower of you. And as Coelho wrote in the foreword, it starts with a belief inyourself,andthatbelief isgroundedinthecouragetopushyourself.

“IwasfollowingmyPersonalLegend,andmytreasurewasmycapacitytowrite.AndIwantedtosharethistreasurewiththeworld.Istartedknockingonthedoorsof otherpublishers.Oneopened,andthepublisherontheothersidebelievedinmeandmybookandagreedtogiveTheAlchemistasecondchance.Slowly,throughwordof mouth,itfinallystartedtosell—threethousand,thensixthousand,tenthousand—bookbybook,graduallythroughouttheyear.”

The book became an organic phenomenon and the rest is history. It isconsideredoneof thetenbestbooksof thetwentiethcentury.WheninterviewersaskCoelhowhetherornotheknewthatitwouldbeasuccess,thisiswhathehadtosay:

“Theanswerisno.Ihadnoidea.HowcouldI?WhenIsatdowntowriteTheAlchemist,allIknewisthatIwantedtowriteaboutmysoul.Iwantedtowriteaboutmyquesttofindmytreasure.”

Theanswers are insideof you if youhave thecourage to listen.Youare likesomeother people and like no other person.You have something remarkable tosharewiththeworld.Itstartswithlisteningtowhat’sinsideof youandendswiththecouragetogowhereitleads.

Followit.

Don’ttellpeopleyourdreams.

Showthem.

T

CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

ENRICHYOURRELATIONSHIPS

hereareonlytwowordsof adviceyouneedtoimproveanyrelationship.

SayIt

I was speaking at a sales meeting for a retail brokerage firm in Florida andafterward a tall man namedDon approachedme. He was in his late 50s, had abeard, andwaswearing a sport coatoverhismadras shirt.He saidhewanted tosharesomethingwithmeabout“my5SecondRule.”

Donhad “his ownversionof it that had changedhis life.”Hehad “made adecisionafewyearsago,thatnothingimportantwouldbeleftunsaid.”

Then he shared a story about how, acting on instinct, he pushed himself toshare something with his daughter that had completely changed their entire

relationship. Over the years his daughter Amber and her husband had taken in

family members who had fallen on hard times. They also volunteered everyweekendintheircommunityandhadcompletedseveralservicetrips.

Dontoldthemthatheadmiredthem.Headmiredhowtheylivedtheirlivesandtheexamplethattheirlivesprovidedtheworld.HeaddedthathewassoproudoftheyoungwomanAmberhadbecome.Andthenhetoldmethis:“RightbeforeIwas about to say it. Iwas so afraid. Imagine that. Iwas afraid to say somethingbecauseIwasafraidtogetemotional.”

Hesaidthatafterthatconversation,hisrelationshipwithhisdaughterwasneverthe same again. They are now closer than he ever imagined and the experienceinspiredhimtolivebythisrule:Leavenothingimportantunsaid.

Intimacytakescourage.Riskinggettingemotionalorupsettingsomeonesothatyoucanexpressyourself isscary,buttheresultismagical.Iexperiencedthatsamemagic in a simple conversationwithmy father last fall. I was onmyway to theairporthavingjustfinishedaspeakingengagementinMiamiandIsawatextfrommydad:“Callmeassoonasyoucan.”

That’sodd,Ithoughttomyself.Icalledthehouse,andmymompickedupthephone.

“HiMom,IjustgotatextfromDadaskingmetocall.Iseverythingokay?”

“Youshouldtalktohim,letmegethimforyou…”

Shesetthephonedown,asItriedtocatchher

“Wait,Mom!What’sgoingon?”

I could hear the kitchen door creak as she opened it and yelled formy dad,“BOB!Mel’sonthephone!”

Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingon.Atfirst,IthoughtthatIwasintrouble.Isatinthebackof thatcabfeeling likea10-year-oldwhowasabouttogetgrounded.

Isn’t it amazing how quickly yourmind can take you down the rabbit hole thatsomethingiswrong?

Uncertainty had triggered my habit of worrying and now I was inside themental “What-if Loop”:Did grandma die?Did I do somethingwrong? Is he in financialtrouble?Itmustbeme,whatdidIdo?

Didyoucatchwhathappened?Theuncertaintytriggeredmyhabitof worrying.In less thanfiveseconds,Ihadconvincedmyself thatmygrandmotherhaddied,thatIhaddonesomethingseverelywrong,thatmyfatherwasdeeplydisappointedinme,orthatIwasabouttogetinmajortrouble.

Iheardthebackdooropenandhimwalkingtowardthekitchen.Hepickedupthephoneandwasasnonchalantascouldbe,“HeyMel,thanksforcalling,whereareyourightnow?”

Iwasfreakingoutontheotherendof theline.

“I’minMiamionmywaytotheairport,yourtextscaredmetodeath,didIdosomethingwrong?”

Hechuckledandsaid,“No,it’snotaboutyou,Mel.It’saboutme.Ididn’twanttotellyouandyourbrotheruntilIwassure.”

Ialmostdroppedthephone.“Areyougonnadie?Ohmygod,youhavecancer.”

He interrupted,“Will you letme talk…Idon’thave cancer. Ihaveananeurismand Ineedopenbrainsurgerytoremoveitbeforeitkillsme.”

He went on to explain the whole story. He had had a bout of vertigo andcollapsed while he was playing a round of golf. That lead to an MRI, whichrevealedthisaneurism.Theyfounditbymistake.Hewashavingsurgeryattheendof theweekattheUniversityof Michigan.

I sat frozenon theother sideof thephone.My father-in-lawhaddied fromesophagealcancer.Withinsecondsof hearingmydad’sstory,Iimmediatelythought

aboutthedayof myfather-in-law’ssurgery.Itwasjustamoment.Thenurseswerewheeling him off to surgery atMemorial SloanKettering inManhattan and justbeforetheypushedhimthroughthedoubledoors,helookedbackatallof us.

He smiled and gave us a little wave. We all smiled and waved back, and Iremember givinghim a “thumbsup.” I remember feeling apangof fear right atthatmoment.Then he disappeared through the swinging doors.We had no ideathathissurgerywasabouttogohorriblywrongandthatthecomplicationswouldeventuallykillhim.

Isnappedbackintothepresentmoment,inthebackof thecabandlistenedtomydad. Ipicturedmy fatherwavinggoodbye fromahospitalhallway, and Iwasafraid.Idon’tknowwhy,butIreallywantedtoknowif mydadwasscaredtoo.Ihadaninstincttoaskhimandimmediatelyhesitated.Istartedthink.

“Don’taskthat,it’llupsethim.Of coursehe’sscared,youmoron.Keepitlightandpositive.Don’t stress him out, that aneurysm could explode.” That was the pushmoment.Leavenothingimportantunsaid.

5..4..3..2..1..“Dad,areyouscared?”

Therewassilenceontheotherend.AndIstartedtoregretaskingthequestion.Iwasnotexpectingtohearwhathesaidnext:

“I’mnotscared.Iamnervous,butIreallytrustmysurgeon.Youknow,Mel,Iactuallyfeelkindof lucky.”

“Lucky?”That’snotwhatIexpectedtohear.

“Yes,Ihaveanopportunitytotryandfixthisthingbeforeitkillsme.Andattheendof theday if something happens I have no regrets.Watchingmymom take care of mydadafter his

strokeorwatchingSusiedieof ALSwashorrible.Qualityof lifeisveryimportanttome.Andthequalityof mylifehasbeenmorethanIcouldhaveeverwishedfor.AsakidIalwayswantedtobeadoctor,andIbecameone.YourmomandIhavehadawonderful life together.Youandyourbrotherturnedout.I’vebasicallydoneexactlywhatIwantedtodowithmylife.Andthat’sallyoucaneveraskfor…thatandmoretimetoenjoyit.”

Itwasoneof themostbeautifulmomentsIhaveeversharedwithmydadandwithoutthe#5SecondRule,Iwouldn’thavefoundmycouragetoaskthequestion.Ijustsatthereinthebackof thatcabandtookitallin.Andthenheaddedthis:

“Actually,thereisonethingIwanttodo,”hesaid,“I’dliketoseeAfrica.Andif Imakeitto90,Iwanttojumpoutof planelikeGeorgeH.Bushdidonhis90thbirthday.”

Ilaughed.“Youwilldad,youwill.”

Thatconversationwithmydadremindedmeof somethingimportant.Waitingfortherighttimetogetrealinyourrelationshipsisafool’serrand.Thereisnorighttimetohavetheconversation,askthehardquestions,say“Iloveyou,”ortakethetimetotrulylisten.Thereisonlyrightnow.

Sometimes it’s notmerely a hard question that you need to ask. It’s actuallyending the silence between you. It had been “years since” Cortney let herrelationship gowith her father, but she had beenwanting tomake amends. Shedidn’t“passoutoroverthinkit,”likeshewouldhaveinthepast.Instead,sheusedthe#5SecondRuletotrustherinstinctandjustpickupthephoneandcallherdad.Shejust“saidoutloud5-4-3-2-1andjusthitcallanddidit.”

Itonlytakesfivesecondstochangeyourlife.

HidingiswhatMikewasdoinginhismarriage,untilhefoundthecourageto5-4-3-2-1tobe“morehonestwith”himself:

“IamtalkingtomywifeagainaboutsubjectsIwouldhaveratherjustbeenignored(notliketheyweregoingawaybecausemyheadwasinthesandoranything).AndIambeingmorehonestwithmyself.Andmostof allIlikethat.Imaynotbeperfect,butIamworthy.I’msurprisedbyjusthowdamngoodthatfeels–tobeworthy.”

—Mike

Mike just shared a very powerful secret. To feelworthy, youmust firstmakeyour own instincts worthy of your attention and your effort. And Anthony wassurprised that “something so simple” as having the courage to “lean intowhat Inormally shy away from” could create such “enormous change” in hismarriage,helpinghimtobe“closertomywife”andgethisneedsmet.

“Thatsomethingsosimplecouldcreatesuchenormouschange.Thatwassurprising.Iusedtoexpectpeopletoknowmyneeds andwould harbor resentmentwhenmyneedswere notmet,mostlywithmywife. I thought allwives could readminds,imaginemysurprise.

ByusingtheRuletosimplyleanintowhatInormallywouldshyawayfromI’mmakinggreatstridesinafewareasof mylife.I’msmilingasItypethis.I’mclosertomywifeandmyneedsarestartingtobemet.Ihadnoideathatmysilencewastheproblem.”

—Anthony

AsAnthonysaidhe“hadnoideathatmysilencewastheproblem.”Silenceisalwaystheproblem.Decidingnottosaywhatyoufeelcreateswhatresearcherscall“cognitivedissonance”betweenwhatyoutrulybelieve(inyourheart)andwhatyouactuallydointhemoment.Thoseproblemsbuildupand,overtime,theycanbreakyourrelationship.

That’s what happened to Estelle during what she described as “an ordinarymoment in time.” A seemingly stupid argument with her husband “cracked abranch in a silentwoods” and her responsewas immediate—“I asked him for adivorce.”Here’showshedescribedit:

“MymindwassuddenlycrystalclearandIusedthe#5SecondRuletosayit.Itwasnowmychoicetodoit,orallowmybrain to “pull the emergency brake.” I chose in thatmoment, to act. I asked for a divorce. In retrospect that decisioncatapultedmylifeinthedirectionIknewIwantedtogo,butalwaysheldmyself backfrom.

Thisisnottosayitwaseasy.Itabsolutelyhasnotbeeneasy,butIhaveneverforoneseconddoubtedmydecision.Inthatpuremomentof action,of trulychoosingtoactonwhatIknewwasrightandauthenticallyme,Ihavefoundmyself.Therehavebeendarkandsometimeslonelymoments,butwhatsurprisesmeisthatinthosemomentsIneverregretmychoicetodivorce.

Weall havemoments throughout our day to act or to choose.We sometimes hold ourselves back,we choose to becautiousandnotactandtonotrisk.Ichoosetoact.Andit is inthesemomentsthatI feelmostalive,have foundmysoulmateandmoreimportantlymytrueself.”

—Estelle

I said fromthebeginning that theRulewassimple. Inever said it“saying it”wouldbe easy.The truth is the shortestdistancebetween twopeople and itmayvery well save your relationship. Silence creates distance. Truth creates realconnection,asNatashadiscovered.

Natasha was “overwhelmed with life” after her mother died suddenly. Heroptimism“evaporated”andshecould“onlyseemorenegatives”inthefuture.ShewasworriedaboutherrelationshipwithherboyfriendandusedtheRuleto5-4-3-2-1to“speakfromtheheart”abouthowshefelt,forreal—thattheirrelationship“wasunsustainable.”Shespokehowshereallyfeltandtheoutcomewasamazing.Insteadof blowinguptherelationship,thetruthbroughtthemcloser.They’renowengaged.

We often fail to appreciate the profound power held inside the smallestmomentsof ourrelationshipsasourdaysraceby.Irecentlyhadsomethinghappenthatremindedmeof the importanceof slowingdown,beingpresent,“saying it,”andtuningintoyourheartwhenitspeakstoyou.

AmansentmeaFacebookmessageafterhearingmespeak,andaskedmetocheckoutamemorialpageforafamilyfriendnamedJoshWoodruff.HefeltthatJoshwastheepitomeof apersonwholivedhislifetothefullest,andembodiedthe#5SecondRule.

Onan instinct, I clickedon the link to thememorialpageonFacebook.Thefirst thing I sawwas a post from awoman namedMary. Itwas a beautiful postabout the intimacy and connectedness we all want in life and howwe pull backfromitforthesilliestreasons.AweekbeforeJoshwaskilledbyahit-and-rundriverinNewOrleans,Maryhadseenhiminthegrocerystorebut“didn’tsayanythingtohim.”I’lllethertellyouthestory:

Mary’spostisanincrediblereminderforallof us.Sometimesthereisnonexttime.Whenyourheartspeaks—sayit.IreachedouttoJosh’smom,Caren,andshesharedastoryaboutJoshwithme:

“Joshwasnotafraidof otherpeople’semotions.Whenhewasateenager,mymotherwasdiagnosedwithcancer.Iknewwewerelosingher.Oneday,Isatinthefamilyroombymyself tothinkandtocry.Joshcameinandaskedmewhatwaswrong,andthen“eyelocked”me.Hedidn’tlookawayorfidget.Hejustsatthereandlistened.Fromthatdaywestartedmovingfromjustamother-sontoafriend-friendrelationshipbecausehetookthetimetolistentomeasahumanbeing.”

I’msadthatInevergotthechancetomeetJosh.Hesoundedlikeanamazingman.AsCarendescribedhim,“Joshwastheepitomeof doing.Hetookhisintentionsand

actedonthem.Afterhisdeath,wesaidthathelivedlifewithouthesitation.”

SheclosedheremailtomebyattachingatextthatJoshhadsenttoherandherhusbandonNewYear’sEve,justhoursbeforehewaskilled.AsCarenputit,“Hethoughtit,hesentit.Wewilltreasureitfortherestof ourlives.”

Leavenothingimportantunsaid.

5-4-3-2-1goaheadandsayit.

Allourdreamscancometrueifwehavethecouragetopursuethem.

-WaltDisney

T

THEPOWEROFYOU

oday,somethingincredibleisgoingtohappen.

Awomanwillquither jobbecauseshe trulyhates it.She is scared,butshe’lldoitanyway.Amanwillcalloff hiswedding,knowinghe’llbehatedforit.A56-year-oldveterinarianwillstartherfirstbusiness,anappdeveloperwilllaunchherfirstproduct,anda15-year-oldwillstartwritinghisfirstcookbook.

Abankerwillapplyforanexecutiverolethatshe’salwayswanted.Shedoesn’tfeel100%qualifiedbut that’snotgoing tostopher fromthrowingherhat in thering.Andamaninabarwillleavethesafetyof hisfriendstowalkacrosstheroomtoapproachanattractivewoman.Initially,he’llfeellikehe’sdyinginside,butitwillturnoutwaybetterthanheanticipated.

Theyknowtheymightfailorfallflatontheirfaces,buttheydoitanyway.Theypush themselves forwarddespite the feelings that scream“NO!”They feel afraidbuttheystillmove.

Thequestionis,why?Theanswerissimple:theyknowthesecrettogreatness.When your heart speaks, honor it, 5- 4- 3- 2- 1- andmove.They also know thealternativeandthatitisterrifying:missingoutonallthatyouaremeanttobecome.Livingonautopilotandswimmingrightpastallthemagic,opportunity,andjoythatyour life has to offer. And the greatest risk of all?Dying before you’ve actuallypushedyourself tolive.

Dan in California is not going to let that happen. He’s just registered forsummer classes in finance.The idea of being a#44yearoldfreshman is daunting,buthedoesitanyway,because“nevertooold”iswhatitmeanstobegreat.

In Honolulu, Shirley is pushing herself to start living again after losing herhusband. She’s let toomany“five secondwindowsbewasted”over the last fouryears.Now,sheispracticingeverydaycourage.Shehasstartedwithsomethingsmall—beginning to walk again. That one change has opened doors that have beenclosedforyears.

In SantaMonica, California, Julie used the#5SecondRule to push herself tomakecallsthatmadehernervous,andgottwothings:greaterconfidenceinherselfand$5,000tohelpcurepancreaticcancer.

InNewDelhi,India,Pulkitistaking“somanyrisks”usingthe#5SecondRulethat it is helping him grow in “amazing”ways.He’s now always “giving the bestshot”atwhathedoes,thankstotheRule.Andhehasapieceof adviceforDan,our 44-year-old freshman: keep pushing. Pulkit knows the power of everydaycouragebecausehejustfinishedhisbachelor’sdegree.

Afterahighstressweekatwork,Kathleenwantedto just“kickbackandfeelthebuzzof awell-deserveddrinkandnotdeal”butshe5-4-3-2-1anddrovepast

the familiar cars at the bar. It was a “white knuckle” drive home, but in thatmomentshewon.AsKathleenput it“Howeversmall thatdrivewas, it felt likeavictory.”Andittrulywas.

InMinnesota,KellyhasmadeaHeartFirstfive-seconddecisionafteryearsofdreaming about it. She’smoving to France.Now that she’s decided, the fear hasdisappearedjustlikeRosaParkssaiditwould,andshe’lluseherbraintofigureoutthedetailsinsteadof allowingfeartoholdherback.

In London, England, Steve was suffering from PTSD and thinking aboutending his life as he rode on a ferry.His instincts told him to get help and the#5SecondRule“kicked in,”hemovedawayfromtherailing,andwalkedtowardastewardworkingontheferry.It tookthe lowestmomentof his life toadmit justhowlostindepressionhehadbecome,butinlessthanfivesecondshe5-4-3-2-1anddiscoveredthecouragetosavehislife.

Andfinally,James…

Steve’s story hit James “close to my heart.” James lost his baby brother tosuicide just a year ago.As Jameswrote, “Iwishmy brother took 5. I can neverchangethat,butIcanchangemyself.”Usingthe#5SecondRule,hehasfoundthecourageheneedstowakeupandstart livingagain:“It’stimeformetomoveon,backtomypassion,backtomyrunning.”Jamesmadeafiveseconddecision.Heisrunninga100miler,5-4-3-2-1,inmemoryof hisbrotherPatrick.

Yes,youcanmovemountains.Whateverishappeningrightnow,thisisit.Thisisyourlife.Andit’snotgoingtobeginagain.Youcan’tchangethepast,butinfivesecondsyoucanchangeyourfuture.

That’sthepowerof everydaycourage.Whenyourheartspeaks,honorit,5-4-3- 2- 1- andmove.Onemoment of courage can change your day.One day canchangeyourlife.Andyourlifecanchangetheworld.

Thereisgreatnessinyou.Thetimetorevealitisnow.

5...4...3...2...1...GO!

The5SecondRuleThemomentyouhaveaninstincttoactonagoal

youmust

5-4-3-2-1andphysicallymoveoryourbrainwillstopyou.

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