circle of security parenting© program fidelity journal · prior to group, i took time to review...

Circle of Security Parenting© Program

Fidelity Journal ©CircleofSecurityInternational2016

LeadDeveloperDeidreQuinlan

Name__________________________________________________

ThisJournalisonlytobeusedbyregisteredCircleofSecurityParenting©Facilitators.

Donotcopyofdistributetootherswithoutpermission.

V 16.2

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(IntentionallyLeftBlank)

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GettingStarted WelcometotheCOS-PRegisteredFacilitatorFidelityJournal©,atooldevelopedtosupportboththefidelityofimplementationandtheskilldevelopmentofthefacilitator. TheCircleofSecurity®usesavarietyofapproachestoengagecaregiversincludingvideoclips,handouts,evenCirclelanguage,withphraseslike‘SharkMusic,’‘RuptureandRepair,’Positive Intentionality’ and ‘Cues andMiscues.’Butperhaps themost importantCOSapproachused to engage caregivers lies in the capacity toBeWith –withparents,with caregivers,withchildren,witheachother. Beingwithisadynamicprocessthatevolvesovertimeandiscontingentuponexperiences‘in themoment.’ Yet forparticipants to receive the fullbenefitof theprogram, facilitating theentire program as originally developed is crucial. In research this is called fidelity ofimplementation. Consequently, facilitating COS-P requires ongoing decision-making aboutfidelity to the original program versus adaptation. Toward that end, the Fidelity Journal wasdevelopedtotrackandsupporttheexplorationofbothfacilitatorfidelitytotheCircleofSecurityParenting©programand facilitator adaptations that unfold in thepresentmomentwithin thecontextofrelationship.HowtoUseThisJournal Use of the Fidelity Journal is twofold. First, at the completion of each chapter withcaregivers, take a few minutes to reflect and write on the experience. The intent is that theprocessof containingand thenwritingwillprovideyouwitha learningopportunity.Then thesecondstepistoreflectaloudaboutwhatyouhavewritten.Thisprocessofputtingyourwrittenthoughts and feelings into a narrative to share with another helps to build coherence andconsequentlyopportunitiestoreflectatadeeperlevel. In the sameway that theCircle of Security® takes the theoretical constructs and ideasfrom the fields of attachment and psychology and makes them real in the lives of families,participation in aprocessof reflection takes the abstract, unconstructed thoughts and feelingsthat pass through the mind during your facilitation experiences and provides a method ofcontainment. Each time you do thiswork, theFidelity Journal offers a vehicle to contain yourthoughtsand feelingsasyouprocess,organizeandexploreyourstrengths,yourstruggles,andwhateverelsethatmighthappen. Please note that the Fidelity Journal is written from the perspective that you will beprocessingthematerialwithaCOS-PFidelityCoach.Werecognizethatalthoughideal,formany,thismaynotbepossible.TheJournalisalsoquiteusefulforprivatereflection.Ifthisisthecase,wehopethatyouwillfindthatthistoolaloneis“GoodEnough!” ThankyouforyourwillingnesstoparticipateinthisprocessaswecontinuethisjourneytogetheranddiscovernewwaystounderstandandutilizetheCircleofSecurity.

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ChapterOne“WelcometotheCircleofSecurity”Reflectonyourworktoday-1(rarely)to4(almostalways)

1.Priortogroup,ItooktimetoreviewthechaptergoalsandDVDtranscriptsothatIcouldsettlemymindandwasabletobefullypresentandengaged.

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2.IfeelconfidentintheuseoftheDVDandofmychoicesofwhentousescheduledand/orrecommendedpauses.

• DidyoushowallthescheduledmaterialontheDVDfortheday?YNWhatdidyouskip?

• Didyoustopatallscheduledpauses?YNWhatdidyouskip?

• Didyoustopatalltherecommendedpauses?YNWhatdidyouskip?

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3.IwasabletoremainnonjudgmentalevenwhenIwasstrugglingwithmyownfeelings.

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4.Iprovidedthenecessarystructureforsafetybystartingandendinggroupsontime,keepingtheflowofthematerialgoing,andworkingtomakeroomforeveryonetospeak.

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5.IwasawareofmyownSharkMusicandhowitaffectedthegroupprocess.

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6.Iwasabletofindpositiveintentionalitytowardeachgroupmember.

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7.Iwasabletocreateaholdingenvironmentwheregroupmembersexperiencedsafetyandsecuritywithinthegroup.

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8.Duringthegroup,Iobservedparticipantsappropriatelyusingconceptsandbuildingconnectionsbetweenthetheoryandtheirlivesinacoherentstorythattellsmethey“getit”andunderstand“hiddeninplainsight.”

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9.Whenagroupmemberaskedquestions,Iwasabletobecuriousandsupportexplorationratherthanalwayshavingtheanswer.

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10.Iwasableto‘bewith’groupmembersinthewaythatIwantthemto‘bewith’theirchildren(parallelprocess).

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11.Iwassensitivetomyown‘inthemoment’experiencesandusedthemtohelpmakesenseoutoftheexperiencesofbothgroupmembersandthegroupprocess.

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12.Inreflection,IamabletoidentifymomentswhereIstruggleasafacilitator.

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ReflectiveDiaryChapterOne

Discussanepisodicmemory fromONEof the followingthree topics.At theendofgroupwriteanepisodicmemoryofsuccessfullymanagingoneofthetopicsandamomentwhereyoustruggled.Iftherewasatimeinthegroupwhereyoufeltstuckandnotsurewhattodoyoucanusethatepisodeasastrugglemomenttoshare.1.DiscussReflectiveDialogueReflectivedialogueisanon-judgmentalconversationinwhichthefacilitatoriscuriousaboutthecaregiver’sthoughts,intentions,goals,beliefs,desires,behaviorsandfeelings.Withinthecontextof“beingwith”thefacilitatorhelpsparticipantsdevelopacoherentorganizationtotheirnarrative.Oftenfacilitatorsarecalledupontohelpclarifythedifferencebetweenwhatisobservedandtheassumptionswemakefromthatobservationaswellasthedifferencebetweenthinking,feelingandbehaving.Theoverarchinggoalistohelpcaregiversdevelopmorecoherenceandreflectivecapacity.

o Recallamomentofreflectivedialoguethatwentwell

• Whatwastheparticipantsaying,doingandfeeling?• Whatwereyousaying,doing,thinkingandfeeling?• Whatdidyoudothathelpedtheparticipantreflect?

o Recallamomentofreflectivedialogueinwhichyoustruggled

• Whatwastheparticipantsaying,doingandfeeling?• Whatwereyousaying,doing,thinkingandfeeling?• Whatthoughtsandfeelings(sharkmusic)gotinthewayofhelpingthis

caregiver?OR2.Discuss“BeingWith”“BeingWith”thecaregiversemotionallyiscentraltothesuccessofthisintervention.Allfacilitatorshavemomentsthattheyareableto“bewith”andmomentsthattheystruggleat“beingwith”.Thinkofanexampleduringthislastgroupthatyouwere“beingwith”aspecificgroupmember.

• Whatwass/hedoingandsaying?• Whatdoyouthinks/hewasfeeling?• Whatdidyoudo,say,andfeelinresponse?• Doyouthinks/hefeltyouwere“beingwith”?

• Yes?No?Ifyes,whatdids/hedothatmadeyouthinkthat?

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Thinkofaspecifictimewhereyouwerestrugglingat“beingwith”aspecificgroupmember.

• Whatwass/hedoingandsaying?• Whatdoyouthinks/hewasfeeling?• Whatdidyoudo,say,andfeelinresponse?

• Whatpartdidyour“sharkmusic”play?• Doyouthinks/hefeltyouwerenot“beingwith”?

o Yes?No?Ifyes,whatdids/hedothatmadeyouthinkthat?OR3.DiscussRuptureandRepairNoonecanmaintainaconstantstateof“beingwith”anotherpersonwhilesimultaneouslyacceptingandorganizingtheemotionalreactionsthatareevokedinourselvesduringtheinteraction.Sobeinginrelationshipisaconstantprocessofbeingconnected,havingrupturesthatcanbeanywherefromverysmalltolarge,seeingtherupturesandrepairingtherelationshipasneeded.

• Thinkofaspecificrupturethathappenedinthegrouptoday.

o Describetherupture.o Whatwastheparticipantdoingandsaying?o Whatdoyouthinks/hewasfeeling?o Whatdidyoudo,say,andfeelinresponse?o Didyourepair?Yes?No?Ifyes,whatmadethatpossible?

IfNo,whathappenedandwhatpartdidyourown“sharkmusic”play?DiscussanepisodicmemoryfromONEofthefollowingthreetopics1)ReflectiveDialogue,BeingWith,orRuptureandRepair.Belowpleasewriteanepisodicmemoryofsuccessfullymanagingoneofthetopicsandamomentwhereyoustruggled._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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ChapterTwo“AllthewayAroundtheCircle”Reflectonyourworktoday-1(rarely)to4(almostalways)

1.Priortogroup,ItooktimetoreviewthechaptergoalsandDVDtranscriptsothatI

couldsettlemymindandwasabletobefullypresentandengaged.

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3.IwasabletoremainnonjudgmentalevenwhenIstruggledwithmyownfeelings.

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4.Iwasabletomaintainleadershipbybeingbigger,stronger,wiser,kindinthefaceofadversity,conflict,and/ordefensivenessinthegroup.

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5.Iprovidedthenecessarystructureforsafetybystartingandendinggroupsontime,keepingtheflowofthematerialgoing,andworkingtomakeroomforeveryonetospeak.

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6.IunderstoodmypurposewhenIchosetosharemyownexperienceandwasabletouseself-disclosureappropriately.

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7.Iwasabletoreflectwithgroupmembersandhelpthemclarifythedifferencebetweenwhatisobservedandtheassumptionsmadefromanobservation.

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8.IfeltconfidentthatgroupmemberswereabletousetheirobservationstodecideifthechildwasonthetoporthebottomoftheCircleandthentoidentifytheneed.

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9.Groupmemberssharedwithmestoriesaboutwhattheylearnedfromtheirownprimaryrelationshipsgrowingup.

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10.Iobservedgroupmembersappropriatelyusingconceptsandbuildingconnectionsbetweenthetheoryandtheirlivesinacoherentstorythattellsmethey“getit”andthatchildrenarecloselywatchingthemforcuesaboutgoingoutandcomingin.

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11.IamabletousethefeedbackthatIreceivewhileprocessingwithaCOS-PFidelityCoach(ifapplicable).

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12.IamabletobevulnerablewhenreflectingandprocesstheobservationsthataresharedbytheCOS-PFidelityCoach(ifapplicable).

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ReflectiveDiaryChapterTwo

Discussanepisodicmemory fromONEof the followingthree topics.At theendofgroupwriteanepisodicmemoryofsuccessfullymanagingoneofthetopicsandamomentwhereyoustruggled.Iftherewasatimeinthegroupwhereyoufeltstuckandnotsurewhattodoyoucanusethatepisodeasastrugglemomenttoshare.1.DiscussReflectiveDialogue(describedonpage5)OR2.Discuss“BeingWith”(describedonpage5)OR3.DiscussRuptureandRepair(describedonpage6)___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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ChapterThree“BeingWith”Reflectonyourworktoday-1(rarely)to4(almostalways)



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• DidyoushowallthescheduledmaterialontheDVDfortheday?YNIfno,whatdidyouskip?

• Didyoustopatallscheduledpauses?YNIfno,whatdidyouskip?

• Didyoustopatalltherecommendedpauses?YNIfno,whatdidyouskip?

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3.IwasabletoremainnonjudgmentalevenwhenIwasstrugglingwithmyfeelings.

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4.Iwasabletodealwithgroupmemberswhowantedtotakechargeofthegroupandtakeovertheconversation.

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5.Iwasabletodealwithgroupmemberswhohadlotsofquestionsandoftenturnedtothefacilitatorforanswersandtosolvetheirproblems.

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6.Iwasabletocreateaholdingenvironmentwheregroupmembersexperiencedsafetyandsecurityinthegroup.

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7.Iwasabletohelpgroupmembersseethevalueincreatingarelationshipwiththeirchildinwhichfeelingscanbeshared.

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8.Iobservedgroupmembersappropriatelyusingconceptsandbuildingconnectionsbetweenthetheoryandtheirlivesinacoherentstorythattellsmethey“getit”that‘beingwith’isnotatechnique,butratherastateofmindthatincludesanunderlyingattitudeofempathyfortheirchildren.

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9.Iwasableto‘bewith’andbuildconnectionwithgroupmembersonthebottomofthecircle.

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10.Iwasableto‘bewith’andhelptoexpandreflectionwithgroupmembersonthetopofthecircle.

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11.Imanagedbothmyownfeelingsthatgotactivatedwhenfacilitatingthe“BeingWith”exerciseandalsoheldthefeelingsofthegroupmembers.

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ReflectiveDiaryChapterThree


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ChapterFour“InfantsontheCircle”Reflectonyourworktoday-1(rarely)to4(almostalways)


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4.Iwasabletosupportconnectionsbetweengroupmembersandunderstoodgroupinteractionsandstruggleswithinthegroupdynamics.

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5.IwasopenandcuriousasIexploredwithgroupmemberstheirthoughtsandvaluesrelatedtocaregiving.

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6.Iobservedgroupmembersappropriatelyusingconceptsandbuildingconnectionsbetweenthetheoryandtheirlivesinacoherentstorythattellsmethey“getit”andunderstandasimpleformofattunementtochildren’sshiftsinattentionandemotion(in/out,okay/notokay).

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7.Ihelpedgroupmemberstounderstandthatinfantscan’tlearntoorganizetheirfeelingswithoutourongoingsupport.

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8.Iwasabletopunctuatewithoutblamethepointthatlimitationsinhowweareraisedtendtorepeatthemselvesuntilwebegintoseeanotherway.

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9.Whenagroupmemberaskedquestions,Iwasabletobecuriouswiththegroupmemberandsupportexplorationratherthanalwayshavingtheanswer.

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10.Iwasabletoreflectwithgroupmembersandhelpedthemclarifythedifferencebetweenwhatisobservedandtheassumptionsmadefromanobservation.

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11.Iamsensitivetomyownexperienceandusedittohelpmemakesenseoutoftheexperiencesofbothgroupmembersandthegroupprocess.

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ReflectiveDiaryChapterFour

Discussanepisodicmemory fromONEof the followingthree topics.At theendofgroupwriteanepisodicmemoryofsuccessfullymanagingoneofthetopicsandamomentwhereyoustruggled.Iftherewasatimeinthegroupwhereyoufeltstuckandnotsurewhattodoyoucanusethatepisodeasastrugglemomenttoshare.1.DiscussReflectiveDialogue(describedonpage5)OR2.Discuss“BeingWith”(describedonpage5)OR3.DiscussRuptureandRepair(describedonpage6)_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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ChapterFive“ThePathtoSecurity”

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3.IwasabletoremainnonjudgmentalevenwhenIwasstrugglingwithmyfeelings.

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4.Iwasabletosupportconnectionsandthedevelopmentofgroupcohesionbyunderstandinginteractionsandstruggleswithinthegroupdynamics.

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5.Iwasabletospeaktoeachgroupmember’sindividualcapacityandpotentialandtreateachasIwouldlikethemtotreattheirownchildren.

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6.Icouldfindpositiveintentionalitywithineachofthegroupmembers.

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7.Iwasabletonormalize‘SharkMusic’andhelpedgroupmemberstofullyexploretheirstruggleswiththeirchild.

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8.Iwasabletohelpgroupmembersdiscoverthefreedomtochoosenewwaysof‘beingwith’theirchildrenbyseeingthewhereandhowoftheirstruggles.

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9.Iinvitedgroupmemberstoreflect,whenappropriate,onstrugglessharedfrompreviouschaptersand‘SharkMusic’.

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10.WhenIhadarupturewithagroupmemberIwasabletorecognizeitandmakerepair.

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11.Iwasabletoinvitecuriosityandreflectionwiththegroupwhenculturecameupduringconversationsabout‘SharkMusic’.

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ReflectiveDiaryChapterFive

Discussanepisodicmemory fromONEof the followingthree topics.At theendofgroupwriteanepisodicmemoryofsuccessfullymanagingoneofthetopicsandamomentwhereyoustruggled.Iftherewasatimeinthegroupwhereyoufeltstuckandnotsurewhattodoyoucanusethatepisodeasastrugglemomenttoshare.1.DiscussReflectiveDialogue(describedonpage5)OR2.Discuss“BeingWith”(describedonpage5)OR3.DiscussRuptureandRepair(describedonpage6)_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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ChapterSix“ExploringOurStruggles”



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3.Iwasabletodealwithcaregiverswhocouldn’tstoptalkingorwentoffontangentialtopics.

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4.Iwasabletodealwithcaregiverswhowerewithdrawnordistant.

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5.Iwasabletodealwithcaregiverswhowerechronicallylate.

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6.Iwasableto‘bewith’groupmembersinthewaythatIwantthemto‘bewith’theirchildren(parallelprocess).

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7.Iwasabletopromoteafeelingofsafetyforthecaregiverssotheycouldtalkaboutvulnerableaspectsoftheirrelationships.

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8.IwasabletohelpcaregiversseetheirroleastheHandsontheCircleasbeing“Bigger,Stronger,Wiser,andKind.”

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9.Ihelpedgroupmemberstoexploretheirownexperiencesoffear(mean,weak,gone)fromtheirchildhood.

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10.Ihelpedcaregiversunderstandandembracethatitisnevertoolateandreflectionisthekey.

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11.Iobservedgroupmembersappropriatelyusingconceptsandbuildingconnectionsbetweenthetheoryandtheirlivesinacoherentstorythattellsmethey“getit”howactingmean(bigger/strongerwithoutkind)orweak(overlyaccommodatingwithoutbigger/stronger)orbeing‘gone’createsfearintheirchild.

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12.IamabletousethefeedbackthatIreceivefromtheCOS-PFidelityCoach(ifapplicable).

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ReflectiveDiaryChapterSix


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ChapterSeven“RuptureandRepair”




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3.Iwasabletoreflectwithgroupmembersandhelpedthemclarifythedifferencebetweenwhatisobservedandtheassumptionsmadefromanobservation.

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4.Iwasabletomaintainleadershipbybeingbigger,stronger,wiser,andkindinthefaceofemotionalstruggle,vulnerability,and/ordefensivenessinthegroup.

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5.Iprovidedthenecessarystructureforsafetybystartingandendinggroupsontime,keepingtheflowofthematerialgoing,andmakingroomforeveryonetospeak.

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6.Ihelpedgroupmembersseethatunderneathactingoutbehaviorachildissaying“IneedyouandIdon’tknowwhattodowithwhatIamfeeling.”

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7.Iwasabletosupportgroupmemberstomakeanempathicshiftbyhelpingthemseethatwhentheirchildrenareactingout,theyareactuallytryingtogethelpmanaginggenuineneeds.

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8.Whenagroupmemberstruggled,Iwasabletohelpthemorganizetheirfeelings.

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9.WhenIhadarupturewithagroupmemberIwasabletorecognizeitandmakerepair.

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10.Iobservedgroupmembersappropriatelyusingconceptsandbuildingconnectionsbetweenthetheoryandtheirlivesinacoherentstorythattellsmethey“getit”thatruptureshappenwhenwestepofftheCircle,notthechildren.

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ReflectiveDiary

ChapterSevenDiscussanepisodicmemory fromONEof the followingthree topics.At theendofgroupwriteanepisodicmemoryofsuccessfullymanagingoneofthetopicsandamomentwhereyoustruggled.Iftherewasatimeinthegroupwhereyoufeltstuckandnotsurewhattodoyoucanusethatepisodeasastrugglemomenttoshare.1.DiscussReflectiveDialogue(describedonpage5)OR2.Discuss“BeingWith”(describedonpage5)OR3.DiscussRuptureandRepair(describedonpage6)___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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ChapterEight“SummaryandCelebration”Reflectonyourworktoday-1(rarely)to4(almostalways)



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2.IfeltconfidentintheuseoftheDVDandofmychoicesofwhentousescheduledand/orrecommendedpauses.

• DidyoushowallthescheduledmaterialontheDVDfortheday?YNIfno,whatdidyouskip?

• Didyoustopatallscheduledpauses?YNIfno,whatdidyouskip?

• Didyoustopatalltherecommendedpauses?YNIfno,whatdidyouskip?

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4.Whenfeelingsemergedingroupmembers,Ifeltcomfortabletoletthegroupmemberindicatewhens/hewasdoneratherthanjumpinwithcommentsthatstoptheexperience.

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5.IprovidedtimetoaskgroupmemberswhatitwaslikeforthemtoparticipateinCOS-Parenting.

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6.IexploredwithgroupmemberstheirthoughtsandfeelingsaboutthefutureuseoftheCOS-Pmaterialintheirlives.

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7.Iwasabletosharemyexperience,whenappropriate,ofworkingwithgroupmembers.

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8.Iwasabletoacceptanypositivefeelingsthatgroupmembersexpressedtowardsmeasafacilitatorasweendedthegroup.

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9.Iwasabletoacceptanynegativefeelingsthatgroupmembersexpressedtowardsmeasafacilitatorasweendedthegroup.

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10.Ihelpedcaregiversunderstandandcelebratethatitisnevertoolateandreflectionisthekey.

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11.Iwasabletosharemyexperiences,bothpositiveandnegative,ofworkingwithaCOS-PFidelityCoach(ifapplicable).

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12.IwasabletobevulnerablewhenreflectingandprocesstheobservationsthatweresharedbytheCOS-PFidelityCoach(ifapplicable).

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ReflectiveDiaryChapterEight

Discussanepisodicmemory fromONEof the followingthree topics.At theendofgroupwriteanepisodicmemoryofsuccessfullymanagingoneofthetopicsandamomentwhereyoustruggled.Iftherewasatimeinthegroupwhereyoufeltstuckandnotsurewhattodoyoucanusethatepisodeasastrugglemomenttoshare.1.DiscussReflectiveDialogue(describedonpage5)OR2.Discuss“BeingWith”(describedonpage5)OR3.DiscussRuptureandRepair(describedonpage5)_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

circle of security parenting© program fidelity journal · prior to group, i took time to review...

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