CINDERELLA: PROJECT PRINCESS!*Originally produced at Timber Lake Playhouse, May 9-12, 2006

CHARACTERS

MALE:PRINCE

RYAN SEACREST

KING DONALD

RANDY JACKSON (or C Lo Green or Howie Mandell or the Hoff)

CLINTON KELLY (or Tim Gunn or Christian Siriano)

TIGER

SIMON COWELL:

FEMALE:

CINDERELLA

KHLOE

STACY LONDON (or Heidi Klum)

RAPUNZEL

KOURTNEY

STEPMOM (Martha Stupid)

PAULA ABDUL

FAIRY GODMOTHER

GOG

JOAN RIVERS (on red carpet)

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Camerawoman

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SCENE 1: CINDERELLA'S HOME .

RYANGood morning/afternoon, boys and girls! (response) I said, Good morning, boys and girls! Oh, come on! You can do better than that! "Good morning, boys and girls!" (response) And how are you all doing today? (response) I'm doing pretty good myself, you see. My name is Sir Ryan Seacrest, the handsome. You may know me as the host of King Donald's television shows such as American Idol, and the E! Red Carpet Grammy Awards, Academy Awards, Emmy Awards, Tony Awards and (something silly and local) . But you see, I'm here today because I'm also one of King Donald's handsomest Knights, and he sent me on a mission to …. Wait a minute. I'm getting ahead of myself. Does anybody out there watch reality TV? American Idol? Fear Factor? The Bachelor? Raise your hands! (ad-lib, go to audience) And you, Miss/Sir, what's your favorite reality TV show? (Audience member responds.) Yes, that's a good one. My personal favorite is AMERICAN IDOL.

SFX – American Idol Theme(cutting across throat to "kill" the music):

Thank you! Thank you very much. You see, I'm here today, because I have to tell you one of the greatest reality stories of all time. You want to hear it? (Response) Okay, then what do you say we get started? It all begins "Once upon a Time in a Kingdom far, far away." … Now, this time wasn't as long ago as you might think. It wasn't yesterday, oh no! It was more like … a month ago. And the kingdom wasn't as far as, say, Niles … but it wasn't as close as Glenview, either.

THE LIGHTS come up on Cinderella's home.

Our story begins here in the humble home of one of the sweetest, most adorable and most BEAUTIFUL girls in the entire kingdom … Cinderella.

CINDERELLA enters with mop and bucket. She is in rags and filthy.

Okay, she's not so much to look at now, but trust me: She cleans up well. You'll see that later on.

CINDYI hate doing chores!

RYANDon't we all, sister? Now, where was I? Many years ago, Cinderella's mother passed away and her father took another wife … an evil, wicked woman who you may have heard about …. Here she is, Cinderella's wicked step mother: Enter Martha Stupid!

MOM (off:)That's "Stewart."

RYANSorry … Enter Martha Stewart!

SFX – Stepmother's Entrance

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The STEPMOM enters, looking a lot like … Martha Stewart.

MOMMy friends call me Martha.

CINDYHi, Martha.

MOMI said "my FRIENDS call me Martha." YOU may call me, "Mommy Dearest!" (SHE pulls a wire hanger off her costume.)

CINDYYes, Mommy dearest.

RYAN (to audience)Wow. She's pretty scary, huh?

MOM (to RYAN)Don't - mess - with me, Fella! I just got out of prison and I'm chocked full of Crazy!

RYAN (scared)Yes, Mommy!

MOMMommy what?

RYANMommy Dearest!

MOMThat's more like it!

MOM goes and sits, primping and doing her nails.

RYANNow, not long after they married, Cinderella's father died, leaving her alone with her wicked step mother. But it gets worse. The step mother had two daughters of her own from her first husband. Now, these aren't sweet, loving sisters like some of you may have. These are vile, nasty and evil STEPSISTERS!

SFX – Stepsisters' Entrance.

THE STEPSISTERS enter from opposite sides. They are gross.

KHLOEHi, I'm KHLOE Purebred!

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NICKY (eating):And I'm KOURTNEY Nibbles-much!

RYANAnd when the two evil stepsisters saw how BEAUTIFUL Cinderella was, they were so jealous that they hated her instantly and said:

SISTERSWe hate her!

RYANThe end.

LX – BLACKOUT

CINDY (in the dark)What? That's it?

RYANNo. Just kidding.

LX – Lights Restore.

RYANLet's see … where was I?

SISTERSWe hate her!

RYANOh, yeah. Thank you.

SISTERSYou're NOT welcome.

The STEPSISTERS laugh and join MOM, sitting lazily, doing make-up, etc.

RYANCinderella's step family was SO jealous of her beauty that they kept her locked away so that no one could ever see her. They took away all of her pretty dresses and forced her to do all of the chores from morning to night, every day of the week.

KHLOECinderella, wash my clothes!

CINDY runs one way.

MOMCinderella, clean my house!

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CINDY runs the back to her mop.

NICKYCinderella, bring me some food!

CINDY exits.MOM (happily):

Ah, having a slave … It's a good thing!

MOM and SISTERS laugh. CINDY enters with food and clothes.

CINDY (to NICKY, handing big plate of food):Here's a little snack for you, Nicky … And KHLOE, I made you some toast.

KHLOE:Toast? You KNOW I don't eat solid food. TOO MANY CARBS! (Having a panic attack) Take it away! Mommy, make her take the carbs away! HELP ME, DOCTOR ATKINS!

CINDY removes the toast.

MOM:There you go, honey. The evil toast is all gone bye-bye.

CINDY (Handing clothes on hangers to KHLOE):Here are your clothes from the dry cleaners.

MOM:Are those … wire hangers?

CINDY:Why, yes they are, Mommy Dearest!

MOM:How many times must I tell you? NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!

CINDY:Yes, Mommy Dearest.

CINDY goes back to scrubbing the floor.

RYAN:So, one day –

SISTERS go to RYAN.

KHLOE:Look, buddy, you're doing a great job and all –

NICKY:

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But you have too many lines in this play already.

KHLOE:So, beat it! We got it covered from here.

RYAN:But the script says …

KHLOE (shoving RYAN off):Seacrest OUT!

RYAN runs off stage.

MOM (rising):Come here, my beautiful darlings!

CINDY/SISTERS (running to MOM):Coming, Mommy Dearest!

MOM (to CINDY):Not you, nit wit. Go clean something!

CINDY shuffles away and turns on the TV set. SHE channel surfs:

SFX – Channel surfing

MOM:Well, my beautiful little darlings, it looks like someone else is doing all of our chores, so that means we have some free time! What would you like to do today?

KHLOE:I want to go shopping for some new clothes!

NICKY (stuffing her face):No, I want to go out to eat!

KHLOE:You're always eating, you fat pig!

NICKY (smiling with food in her teeth):Haven't you heard, sis? Bigger is better! And besides, I'd rather be a fat pig than a whiney stick like you!

KHLOE:Well, I may be whiney, but at least I'm TINY! Fatty, fatty, two-by-four, can't fit through the castle door!

NICKY:Whiney stick!

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KHLOE:Fat Pig!

NICKY:Whiney stick!

KHLOE:Fat Pig!

NICKY:Mommy, KHLOE is picking on me.

KHLOE (mocking):Shut up, stupid!

MOM:Must I remind you that "stupid" is a very, very bad word, and it will NOT be said in this house?

CINDY:Mommy, dearest?

MOM (to CINDY):Don't interrupt me, Stupid!

CINDY:But, Mommy, Dearest … something VERY interesting just came on TV.

RYAN pops out.

RYAN (to audience):Yes, something VERY interesting just came on TV: ME!

LX – "TV Special" on STAGE RIGHT, SFX – NEWSROOM TYPINGHello, all you folks out there in TV land! This is Sir Ryan Seacrest with a special message from the King!

MOM:What is it with this guy? He's EVERYWHERE!

SISTERS (Trying to hear TV):SHUT UP!

MOM:What was that?!!!

KHLOE:We mean … Shut up, Mommy DEAREST!

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MOM:That's more like it!

RYAN:And here he is, folks, live from Trump Castle … King Donald!

SFX – The Apprentice Theme.

KING DONALD enters, waving. He has bad hair, of course. (Maybe he enters in a "helicopter" cut out?)

KING:Good morning, everybody! I'm King Donald and I’m here to tell you about my exciting new reality TV show. As many of you may know, today is my son's birthday. That's right … the most handsome and the most wealthy Prince Travis, the bachelor, turns eighteen years old this very day. And you know what that means?

RYAN:No, but I'm sure you're going to tell us.

KING:That's right, I am! It means it's time for him to choose a bride! So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to host the most wonderful, the most exciting reality TV show in the history of the entire world … to find Prince Travis a bride! All eligible young women in the kingdom are to come to Trump Castle tonight to participate in the contest so Travis can pick his new wife.

RYAN:Can you tell us a little about the contest?

KING:There will be some singing, some dancing, some rose ceremonies, some stunts … It's going to be absolutely the most luxurious and most magnificent contest since the beginning of time.

RYAN:So, basically, you're stealing ideas from every other reality show on TV and combining them into one?

KING:Stealing is a very ugly word. (Beat) But, yes … that's what we're doing. I figure it's a chance to score some great television ratings and make some cash off my son's search for a bride. (Holding "Dairy Queen" bag out to Ryan): Would you like a Dilly Bar? They're delicious? I'm taking some home to my daughter, Princess Ivanka.

RYAN:Um … isn't that "product placement" a little obvious?

KING:

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What?

RYAN:You're carrying that Dairy Queen bag and waving it right in front of the camera. It's like a commercial. How much are they paying you for that?

DONALD:I have no idea what you're talking about. I just happen to (right at camera, like a commercial) love the taste of "Hot Treats and Cool Eats" from the Glenview Dairy Queen, located at ____ Street, open daily until ___ PM. It's one of the greatest restaurants in the whole, entire kingdom!

RYAN:Okay. Yeah.

DONALD:So, remember … if you're a young, single girl, come to Trump Castle tonight at 7 PM sharp. Who knows … you might just be … The A-Princess.

RYAN:Is that the name of the show?

DONALD:Yeah, do you like it? "The A-Princess." Kind of catchy, huh?

RYAN:That's not even a word.

DONALD:Sure, it is. "The A-Princess."

RYAN:There are a lot of "Project" shows, like "Project Runway" and "Project Greenlight." What do you think of … "Project Princess?"

KING: (smiling)Ryan?

RYAN:Yes, your majesty?

KING:You're fired!

SFX – "The Apprentice"

KING and RYAN exit.

MOM:Hey, this gives me a great idea! I could do a reality TV show just like Trumps'!

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KING: (popping back out)Go ahead and trying it, sweetheart! You couldn't catch good ratings in a baseball mit with (holds some up): Elmer's Glue on it.

KING exits again. NICKY turns the TV off.

NICKY:Mommy! Did you hear that! Prince Travis is choosing a bride!

KHLOE:AND …. I'd get to be on TV!

NICKY:I'd get to be on TV, too, ya know!

KHLOE:It's a TV screen, not a movie screen! You'll never fit, you fat pig!

NICKY:MOMMY … KHLOE is picking on me again!

THE SISTERS bicker loudly, then:

MOM:Will the two of you kindly … SHUT UP!

SILENCE.Now, you two have GOT to stop bickering so we can get you ready for King Donald's television show. Now, let's see, my little dream sickles … why don't you start by showing Mommy your prettiest, TV smile?

THE SISTERS show hideous grins.Okay … we've got a lot of work to do. Let's get started.

THE STEP FAMILY exits, bickering. RYAN pops out.

RYAN:What a long day it was! There was so much work to be done to try to make the disgusting sisters look beautiful that they didn't know where to begin. So, to help them, they called on none other than:

SISTERS/MOM (offstage)CINDERELLA!

CINDYYes, sisters? Is there something you need?

RYANThey need to cut off their heads and start over from scratch.

CINDY (to Ryan)

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Shhh! You're going to get me in trouble!

MOM enters. RYAN hides by putting his hands over his eyes.

MOMWho were you talking to?

CINDYNo one.

MOMNow, listen, Stink-er-ella … the King's first contest is tonight, so you need to stop talking to yourself and help us get ready. So, (tossing ugly shoes at her), you can start by polishing Nicky's shoes … and draw KHLOE a hot bath.

RYAN (pulling out "bathtub drawing"):Voila!

MOMWhat on earth is that?

RYANI drew KHLOE a hot bath!

MOMWould you kindly … GET LOST!?!

RYAN pretends to exit as MOM exits. When she's gone, RYAN's back.

RYANPoor, Poor Cinderella, how will she ever find a fella?With a family so mean and nasty hearted, Woo, I think Cinderella just … heard something!

CINDYI just heard something! (to RYAN): Hide! Someone's coming!

NICKY enters in a sequined gown.

NICKYOh, Slavereeeeeeelllllllllla! (Beat for laughs.) So, what do you think of my new gown? Do I not look be-u-tiful?

RYAN (behind NICKY)Yes, you do NOT.

RYAN hides somewhere.

NICKY (turns on CINDY):What did you say?!

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CINDY:I said, "You look VERY beautiful."

NICKYYes, I know!

NICKY turns away as KHLOE enters. KHLOE wears the same dress as NICKY.

KHLOE:Oh, Maid-er-eeeeeeeelllllaaaa! What do you think? Am I not –

NICKY turns and the two SISTERS see each other. THEY put their hands to their faces and scream!

KHLOE:I can't believe you bought the same dress as me!

NICKY:I bought the same dress as you?! YOU bought the same dress as me!

THEY break into a fight. CINDY taps them on the shoulders and politely interrupts.

SISTERS (turning on CINDY):What?!!

CINDY:Well, I couldn't notice that the two of you seem very upset about having the same dress, and I think I have a solution to your problem.

KHLOE:Well, what is it?

NICKY:We're listening.

CINDY:Why don't you two buy NEW dresses and give me these? I would gladly wear one of them to the contest, and you two wouldn't have to match!

SISTERS (together):What?! (laughing) A-ha … A-ha … a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You're not going to the contest!

CINDY:But … why not?

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KHLOE:Well, frankly, because you're just too ugly.

NICKY:And stinky.

KHLOE:And filthy.

NICKY:And besides … we just don't want you there.

MOM enters. She, too, is in the same sequined dress.

MOM:There you are, my precious butter cups! Oh, my! Don't we all look … SUPREME!

NICKY:Mommy, dearest … why are you all dressed up?

MOM:Why, I'm going to be participating in the contest, silly!

SISTERS:WHAT?!?!

MOM:Well, King Donald said … it's for every SINGLE girl in the kingdom. I'm single, aren't I?

RYAN (popping out):Yes, but you're way too old to be a "GIRL."

MOM (to CINDY):What did you say?

CINDY:I said, "Yes, I think you should give it a whirl."

MOM (sweetly):Why, thank you, ugly step daughter!

KHLOE:Want to hear something funny, Mommy? Dumb-dumb-er-ella thinks SHE'S going to be in the contest, too!

MOM (laughing, to CINDY):Don't be ridiculous, you poor, dear, hideous creature. You're far too ugly and filthy to be in the contest. What Prince in his right mind would EVER want to marry YOU?

SISTERS:

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That's what WE told her, Mommy.

CINDY:But –

MOM:But nothing, Sister. (to SOUND BOOTH): Hit it, Mac!

SFX – song -- "Cinderella!"

As intro starts and RYAN pops out, the STEPS run and "rub the log" for luck, like on "Showtime at the Apollo."

RYAN:Ladies and Gentlemen, It's "Showtime at the Apollo," featuring … THE MEANIES!

STEPSCINDERELLA, YOU'RE THE KIND OF A GIRLWHO MAKES MEN RUN AND HIDE.YOU GOT A FACE THAT COULD STOP ANY CLOCK,AND MAKES SMALL CHILDREN TERRIFIED!NOT TO MENTION – THAT YOU'RE SCRAWNYWE GOT WHAT KEEPS MEN SATISFIEDCINDERELLA!YOU'LL NEVER BE A PRINCESS BRIDE!

THERE AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGHTO KEEP ME FROM WHAT'S TRUE …AND THERE AIN'T NO PRINCE WHO'S LOW ENOUGH …TO EVER MARRY YOU ….

CINDERELLA …. Oooo.

KHLOEPUT YOUR FOOLISH DREAMS ASIDE!

CINDERELLA …. Oooo.

NICKYYOUR "ACCESS" TO TV'S DENIED!

ALL THREEGET THE LEAD OUT, CINDERELLA,YOU BETTER CLEAN THIS HOUSE WITH PRIDE,CINDERELLA!YOU'LL NEVER BE A PRINCE'S BRIDE,ALTHOUGH IT HURTS ME DEEP DOWN INSIDE,YOU WILL NEVER (NEVER)

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BE A (BE A)PRINCE'S BRIDE!

NICKY (spoken)Never, Cinderella.

KHLOE (spoken)Know what I'm sayin'?

ALL THREEMm-hmm.

CINDY:Well … I'm sure you'll all do well at the contest.

MOM:Yes, I'm sure we will, too.

KHLOE:Goodnight, Puke-er-ella.

NICKY:I hope the RATS don't keep you awake.

THE STEP FAMILY starts to exits, and when MOM crosses threshold:

SFX: LOUD ALARM

KHLOE:What's that?

MOM (Showing ankle bracelet):It's my electronic Prison Ankle Bracelet. We better move it before the police come!

THE STEPS all run off.

CINDY:Darn. What am I going to do? I just have to figure out a way to get to that contest! (calls to RYAN): Hey, you! Mister … Sea-toothpaste.

RYAN (popping out):That's Sea-CREST.

CINDY:Isn't that what I said? Sorry. Do you have any idea how I could get to the contest? I've just got to meet Prince Travis! He's dreamy!

RYAN:Hey, ah … I don't mean to point the obvious … but you're barely dressed to scrub

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the floors, let alone meet … The Bachelor Prince.

CINDY:Oh, my goodness! I completely forgot about that. Do you know where I could get a fancy dress, pronto?

RYAN (looking at watch):Nope. It's after 5. All of the stores are closed.

CINDY:What am I going to do?

RYAN: Hey, I have an idea!

RYAN runs over and grabs the Yellow Pages and points something out to CINDY.

CINDY:What's this? The Yellow Pages? (reads) "Fans and blower parts?"

RYAN:No, above that.

CINDY (reading):"Fairy Godmothers On the Go! Best Rates in the Kingdom. Call ahead for pick up, or speedy delivery. Dial 1-800-GO-FAIRY."

RYAN:Well, what are you waiting for? Call!

CINDY (picking up phone and dialing):Okay, I will!

SFX – Phone ring/Pick up

OPERATOR:Fairy Godmothers on the Go!

CINDY:Hi. I need a Fairy Godmother right away!

OPERATOR:Okay, is that for pick up, or for delivery?

CINDY:Delivery. SPEEDY delivery!

SFX – Doorbell

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CINDY (shouting off):Come in! It's open!

RYAN:Wow that was fast!

SFX – Godmother's Entrance.

THE FAIRY GODMOTHER enters. She is, of course, beautiful and every thing the fairy tales describe.

CINDY:Gosh! You are SO beautiful.

FAIRY G:Thanks. (Pulls out a Pizza Hut box, like a commercial) Did somebody order a pizza?

CINDY:Oh … I'm sorry. I thought you were my Fairy Godmother.

FAIRY:Just kidding! I am!

RYAN:Hey! That was OBVIOUS product placement! (To CINDY): This scam artist is doing a commercial for Pizza Hut!

FAIRY:Look, Mister. Do you know how much Fairy Godmothers make? I HAVE to do commercials! I have bills to pay, ya know!

RYAN:Alright, alright, already!

FAIRY (to CINDY):Now, my precious darling, how may I help you?

CINDY:Well, it's like this. My step mother and my step sisters are really, really mean to me and they force me to do hard labor all day and all night.

As CINDY starts to cry, Ryan hands her a hanky. SHE walks away and it's a long chain of silly hankies.

CINDY (con't):But what's worse is, now King Donald is having a big TV contest to find a wife for Prince Travis and they won't let me go because they say I'm too –

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CINDY sees the hanky chain and throws it as she WAILS. THE FAIRY GODMOTHER gives RYAN a disparaging look.

RYAN:Sorry. I was just trying to cheer her up.

CINDY (wailing):It's not workinnnnnnng – ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

FAIRY:Don't worry, deary. Just tell your Fairy Godmother what you want.

CINDY (wailing):What does it maaaatter? Just look at meee… ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

FAIRY:Honey … I can't understand a word you're saying.

CINDY (out of breath, in short gasps):No-Prince-could-ever-fall-in-love-with … meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

RYAN:Well, not like that, he couldn't!

FAIRY:Of course, he could! Cinderella … (CINDY quiets) … Prince Travis is a nice boy with a good heart. And all he's looking for is a nice girl with a good heart. That's YOU. (beat) What you look like and what you're wearing have nothing to do with it.

CINDY:It doesn't?

FAIRY:No. You can go to that contest and win him over dressed exactly as you are. But … a little home makeover couldn't hurt and I know just the people to do it!

FAIRY GODMOTHER waves her wand:

SFX: "Magic Wand" into: LIGHTS flicker, then:

"What Not to Wear" Theme

CLINTON and STACY enter.

RYAN:Why, look, everybody! It's Stacy London and Clinton Kelly!

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STACYHello, Cinderella! I'm Stacy London …

CLINTONAnd I'm Clinton Kelly. We're from TLP's –

CLINTON, STACY & FAIRY G"What Not To Wear."

STACYWe couldn't help but overhearing what your Fairy Godmother was saying and …

CLINTONAnd, yes … what you have inside does count a lot!

STACY (To FAIRY G):But, you really can't go to Trump Castle dressed in those rags.

CINDY:Who are you guys?

STACY:We've been following you around with a camera crew …

CLINTON:Secretly filming your every move.

CINDY:That's a little creepy.

STACY:And we couldn't help but notice that your fashion sense is …

CLINTON:More than a little disturbing. I mean, every time we spied on you, you were wearing this same outfit!

STACY:For kicking around the house or the grocery store, that dress may be considered Bohemian chic. But it simply will not do for meeting Prince Travis!

CINDY:It's the only outfit I own.

STACY:Don't you worry about that. We're giving you …

CLINTON:

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A credit card filled with five thousand dollars so that you can buy a new wardrobe to wear to the contest.

CINDY:Five thousand dollars! (Reaching for credit card) Wow, thanks!

STACYNot so fast! Before we give you the money, you have to promise to give yourself over us …

CLINTONBody, Mind and Wardrobe. And you have to obey our rules for shopping.

CINDY:What rules?

CLINTON: For this contest, Stacy and I would like you to go for a look we like to call:

STACY: The Classic Princess!

STACY pulls out a drawing of a "Princess" and holds it up.

CLINTON (pointing at drawing):Note the classic oversized, "A line" skirt, with puffy sleeves and modest neckline. It's the ideal dress for a young woman with your shape.

(WE WILL ADD MORE DESCRIPTION OF ACTUAL DRESS COLOR, HOW IT GOES WITH CINDY'S SKIN TONES, ETC.)

STACY: Every Princess hopeful simply must have one of these. And like your basic black cocktail dress, it never goes out of style.

FAIRY G:Wow, that is nice. Attractive, without being too trampy.

STACY:So, what do you say?

CLINTON:Are you ready to go shopping?

CINDY:Let's do it! (Goes to FAIRY G) It's all right, isn't it? I just want to look nice when I meet the Prince.

FAIRY G:

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Of course. It's fine to wear nice things. Just as long as you remember what's really important is what you have (Pointing at CINDY's heart) right in here!

SFX – "True Magic"

CINDY:I won't forget! Thank you, Fairy Godmother!

CINDY runs off with CLINTON and STACY.

FAIRY:No need to thank me darling. It's all up to you … (sings)

YOU HAVE THE TRUE BEAUTYIT'S THERE IN YOUR HEART.WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR LOVE THERE'S NO BETTER PLACE TO START

AND YOU HAVE THE TRUE MAGICAND YOU RIGHT WHAT'S WRONG.IF YOU FOLLOW THE PATH THAT IS TRUE, IT WON'T TAKE LONG …

AND OTHER'S MAY DESERT YOU, OR TRY THEIR BEST TO HURT YOU.RIDE THE STORM UNTIL IT'S GONE.FOR YOU HAVE YOURSELF, AND THAT'S ALL THAT YOU NEED …TO FORGE THE DARK AND SEE THE DAWN …CARRY ON!

YOU HAVE THE TRUE POWERIT'S THERE IN YOUR MINDALL THAT'S GOOD COMES FROM YOU, WHEN YOU LOOK FOR IT WHO KNOWS …WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'LL FIND? AHHHHHH ….

As the song ends, CINDY enters in her new dress, with CLINTON AND STACY. She is beautiful, of course!

RYAN:Wow! You look amazing!

STACY:Shut up!

FAIRY G:I didn't say anything.

STACY:

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No, that means like … "WOW!"

CLINTON:Doesn't she look fierce?

FAIRY:Of course she does! She's a very beautiful girl, no matter what she's wearing (To CINDY): Well, dear … it's getting late. You better get a move on!

RYAN (looks at his watch):Yikes! It's almost 6 o'clock! I gotta get into make-up before the show!

FAIRY:You … wear make-up?

RYAN (embarrassed):Just on T.V. … a little … um … coverstick. (Dashing out): See you at the contest, Cinderella!

RYAN exits.

FAIRYI better get going, myself. My baby sitter refuses to work past six. Good luck at the King's contest! (SHE starts to exit.)

CINDY:Excuse me. (FAIRY stops.) I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but … how am I supposed to get to the ball? Trump Castle is very far away, and I'll never make it in time if I walk.

FAIRY:Oh, my bad. Just fetch me a large pumpkin. (To CLINT & STACY): You're going to love this trick!

CINDY:Sorry. We don't have any pumpkins.

FAIRY:What?! No pumpkin?

CINDY:Halloween was, like, months ago.

FAIRY:Oh, I didn't think of that.

STACY:You can take my car! I'm parked right out front.

CINDY:But I don't have a driver's license. My step mother won't let me!

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FAIRY:Hmmm … let me see. I got it! (SHE grabs rollerblades.) Try these on for size!

CINDY:Roller blades! (Takes them and begins putting them on)

FAIRY:They should get you to the Castle in no time at all!

CLINTON:They look a little clunky with that dress.

STACY (to FAIRY G):Do you have anything with an open toe?

FAIRY G:No. Sorry.

CINDY:Don't worry, these will be great! Thanks, Fairy G! Thanks, Clinton and Stacy! How can I ever repay you?

FAIRY: (Starts to exit)Don't you worry about that, just have a wonderful time!

STACY:And win that contest!

FAIRY G (stopping in her tracks)Ooo! I almost forgot something. It is very important that you leave the ball when you hear this sound …

SFX – "Midnight Toll"… Because that means it's midnight.

CINDY:What happens at midnight?

FAIRY:At the stroke of midnight, the magic spell will be broken and all of your beautiful clothes will turn once again into rags!

STACY:Shut up!

CLINTON:But, wait a minute. We BOUGHT this dress at a store.

FAIRY:

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It doesn't matter. That's the way the fairy tale goes.CINDY:

Okay. Don't worry, Fairy G. I'll leave the second I hear the clock strike midnight!

FAIRY:Great! See you later! (To CLINT and STACY) You two coming with?

STACY (to FAIRY G)Yes, because as a matter of fact …

CLINTONWe've been secret filming you, too, and we want you to be on the next edition of TLP's

STACY & CLINTON"What Not To Wear!"

THEY ad-lib about FAIRY G's wardrobe as they exit.

CINDY (to audience):I'm SO excited … and do you know why? (Response.) Because I'm going to the contest. (It really hits her): I'M going to the contest! (She starts singing to tune of "A tisket, A tasket"): I'm going to the con-test, I'm going to the con-test! ….

SFX – "True Magic" – scene shift

CINDERELLA waves and skates out as theLIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT.

SET REVOLVES TO TRUMP CASTLE, then lights up on:

SCENE 2: TRUMP CASTLE

When the lights come up, SFX – "Crowd/Music"

JOAN RIVERS (or some other reality person) is standing at the door, with a camera man filming her. There are cardboard cutouts of guests.

JOAN:Hello, all you beautiful people out there in TV land! This is Joan Rivers for TV Guide TV, coming to you LIVE from the Red Carpet at Trump Castle! We're breathlessly awaiting the arrival of fair young maidens from throughout the land … all hoping to become the new Princess Bride! That's right, tonight is the first phase of contests sponsored by King Donald in hopes of finding a wife for his son, the deliciously handsome Prince Travis! Oh, and here comes a lovely young lady now!

LIGHTS UP FULL as CINDERELLA enters. A CAMERA MAN is filming her entrance.

JOAN:

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Hello, darling. What's your name?

CINDERELLA:My name is Cinderella.

JOAN:Cinderella what?

CINDERELLA:Just … Cinderella.

JOAN:Oh, I see. You're one of those "one name" stars … like Cher, or … Madonna.

CINDERELLA:Well, I'm really not a star at all.

JOAN:Then why am I talking to you? (Pushes Cindy away on rollerblades, realizes the camera is rolling) I'm just kidding, darling! Come back here! (CINDY returns.) And who are you wearing tonight?

CINDERELLA:I'm wearing … Fairy Godmother.

JOAN:Oh, I think I've heard of her. She's one of those hot, new Italian designers, right?

CINDERELLA:No … it's from my Fairy Godmother. She brought Clinton and Stacy over and they bought me this dress at Sears.

JOAN (aside):Between you and me, kid, I'd tell everybody you're wearing Vera Wang. (To Camera): And those shoes are interesting. Who designed them?

CINDERLLA:They're not shoes, they're roller blades.

JOAN:Oh, how nice! Well, have a good time at the contest! Good luck!

SFX – Trumpet Fanfare

(To the ROOM): Announcing … Cinderella!

CINDY starts to enter room, but is stopped by a GUARD.

GUARD: (indicating roller blades)

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Excuse me miss, you're going to have to take those off. King Donald has a strict rule: "No Skateboards or Rollerblades allowed in the Castle."

CINDY (removing shoes) :But what will I wear? I didn't bring any other shoes with me?

GUARD:Sorry, Miss, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you'll just have to go barefoot.

CINDY (removing rollerblades):Well, alright. If you say so.

MOM, KHLOE and NICKY enter.

JOANHi, and who are you?

MOMI'm Martha Stewart and THIS (looking around castle) … is Living!

JOANAnd are these your grandkids?

MOMNo, they're my daughters, you giant bag of wrinkles!

JOAN (pulling back wrinkles, to KOURTNEY)And you are?

KOURTNEY (camera shy, stunned)I'm, um … I'm …

KHLOEShe's fat. And I'm KHLOE Purebread. (Poses for camera)

JOANGreat, great. And who are you all wearing? Destiny's child?

MOMJust shut up and announce that we've arrived!

JOANWell, which do you want me to do?

MOMHuh?

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JOANDo you want me to shut up? Or announce that you've arrived?

MOM ANNOUNCE US AT ONCE!

SFX – Fanfare that "fizzles out"

JOAN (to room):ANNOUNCING … A VERY RUDE LADY, AND HER TWO UGLY DAUGHTERS!

MOM (to JOAN):I'll have your job for that!

JOANGo ahead, the pay's lousy. (Exiting, in earpiece) Melissa, did you get a load of those three uglies?

JOAN exits as the STEPS enter the party.

KHLOE (Aside, pointing at RYAN):Isn't that the guy from our house?

SFX: Game Show Theme.

RYAN moves centers and CAMERA MAN moves to him.

RYAN:Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to "Project Princess!" I'm your host, Ryan Seacrest, here live at Trump Castle and we have quite a show for you tonight! We have searched the land far and wide to bring you the Princess-Hopefuls you'll be seeing. And, to get things started, let me introduce you to the man of the hour, Donald Trump!

SFX: "Apprentice"("Money)

KING DONALD enters, camera man moves to him.

KING:Hello, everybody, and welcome to my TV reality show, "The A-Princess." We have some of the most beautiful, the most talented young ladies in the entire world, here to compete for my son's hand tonight. These ladies will compete in some of the most difficult and most complex tasks in the entire universe, all for a chance to marry my son … the most handsome, the most richest Prince in the entire galaxy. And here he is now, the most good-looking and most wealthy man in the Kingdom, next to me … PRINCE TRAVIS!

SFX: "I'm Just a Prince"

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PRINCE TRAVIS enters, with a microphone. (CAMERA MAN EXITS to change into TIGER costume.)

PRINCE:Thank you!

PRINCE joins Donald in front of the camera.

KING:Nice job, son!

PRINCE:Thank you, Dad!

KING:So, are you ready to find yourself a wife?

PRINCE:I sure am!

KING:Then, let's get this contest underway! First, let me explain the rules. Our Princess contestants will compete in many contests and be judged by some of the most phenomenal, most amazing judges in the entire solar system. One by one, the contestants will be eliminated … until only one contestant remains. And she will be: The A-Princess!

SFX – Fanfare.And now, for the first part of our contest that I'd like to call "Fear Factor." (Beat) But I won't call it that, because that would be stealing and I'd get sued for billions of dollars. So, instead, I’m going to call it "Who's a Big Scaredy Cat?" Let's bring out our bachelorette for ROUND ONE!

SFX – Game show music.

RYAN:Our first bachelorette comes to us from Glenview and her hobbies include shopping for clothes, buying clothes and spending money on clothes. Let's say hello to … Khloe Purebred!

KHLOE comes forward, waving, wearing a badge with the #1 on it.Bachelorette number two comes to us from the Amazon Rain Forest, where her interests include climbing trees, bathing in dirt and … eating bugs? Please give a warm welcome to Miss … Gog?

GOG enters, in animal pelts, with a bone in her hair, wearing "#2"Hi. Um. I’m having trouble reading your name here. What is it, Miss …?

GOG (looking suspiciously at mic):

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Gog.

RYAN:I see. And what part of the Amazon Forest are you from?

GOG:Gog.

RYAN:And that's in the northern part of the Amazon?

GOG:Gog.

RYAN:Great! Nice chatting with you! (Aside) Oh, brother! We tossed a coin backstage to see which of you would go first and … Gog … it's you.

GOG:Gog!

RYAN:And here is your first stunt. You have to wrestle … with a live TIGER! Are you up for that?

GOG (subtext, "Bring it!")Gog!

RYAN:Okay, then! RELEASE THE TIGER!

SFX – Cat meow

TIGER enters. Not very threatening at all.

RYAN:The clock begins … NOW!

SFX – Tiger Fight Music

A battle ensues between GOG and TIGER. The TIGER is quickly out-matched and runs. GOG ends up on top of the TIGER, biting his tail, as the TIGER wails and pounds it's fists on the floor!

RYAN:Time! (Beat. GOG acts triumphant.) Congratulations, Gog! Fear is evidently not a factor for YOU!

SFX – Applause (To KHLOE:) Miss Purebred. Are you ready for your stunt?

KHLOE: (eyeing TIGER)

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I don't know. I'm really afraid of tigers.

RYAN:Oh, don't worry. You have a different fear to face. (To TIGER) Tiger OUT! (TIGER limps off stage.) Let's bring out the next stunt.

SFX -- FanfareJOAN RIVERS brings out a covered tray.

Now, KHLOE, you probably know that we're fairly famous here on "Fear Factor"-- I mean, "Who's a Big Scaredy Cat" -- for making people eat really, really gross things. Are you ready to see what you have to eat?

KHLOE:I sure am, Ryan. I'd eat anything gross for a chance to marry the Prince and get my hand on all his money!

RYAN:Then, here is your stunt! Miss Rivers, remove the cover.

JOAN pulls off the cover, revealing a piece of toast. The CROWD gasps and moans.

That's right, Miss Purebred … your task is to eat … (lifts it up) one piece of toast!

KHLOE:But … the carbs! It's just too –

RYAN:Ready … GO!

SFX – "Beat the Clock"

KHLOE gasps, asks like she's going to vomit. MOM comes over and tries to force toast into KHLOE' mouth, but she won't eat it. MUSIC ENDS:

RYAN:Time! (CROWD groans.) Oh, I'm sorry, KHLOE. But this means you have been eliminated from the contest.

KHLOE:What a rip off! That is SO not fair!

RYAN: (shoving KHLOE offstage)But thank you for playing! And that means, we have a winner for round one!

HE and PRINCE look at GOG. KING DONALD runs on with a rose.

KING:I have this great idea. At the end of every round, Prince Travis can give the winner of that round … a rose! And then, at the very end of the night, when Prince Travis picks his bride to be, he can give her … a rose!

RYAN:

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Yes, great idea! It can be called … A ROSE CEREMONY!

KING:Yes, that's a great idea!

RYAN:It's a great idea because you stole it from the TV show, THE BACHELOR.

KING (frowns at RYAN):Prove it in a court of law, Sea-Bass. (To TRAVIS): Come on, son. Give this fine young lady … a rose.

PRINCE TRAVIS tentatively gives GOG a rose. SHE sniffs it.

RYAN:Great. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's hear it for …. Gog.

SFX – Trumpet FanfareGOG pricks finger on rose, throws it to the ground and stomps on it.

And now, let's move on to round two!

KING (as he runs off):But first, a word from our sponsor.

SFX – "Commercial" (reappearing with a bucket of KFC.) Hey, Ryan? You know who makes the best chicken in the entire, whole wide galaxy? Kentucky Fried Chicken. Cluck, Cluck. Mm, mm! I just love the taste of it. And they are the sponsor of our next segment of … The A-Princess. (Beat) Any of you who know Prince Travis know how much he loves to dance. And so, this next round is one I'd like to call, "Dancing with the Stars!"

RYAN:But you can't, because that's already the name of another show.

KING:Right! So, I call this section (holding up KFC bucket): "CHICKEN dancing with the Stars!" Ryan, why don't you introduce our next contestants?

RYAN:Our next contestant is number THREE! Come on down!

SFX – "Game Show Music"

LIGHTS in house come up to bring teacher down. RYAN and KING may have to ad-lib and get the TEACHER onto the stage. Once she is there, scene continues:

RYAN: Hello, contestant number THREE. And what is your name?

TEACHER: (Response)

ALTERNATE 1: If teacher's response is "MRS." something, do the following:

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RYAN: MRS? Does that mean you're married?

TEACHER: (Response)

RYAN: Um, did you know that the Prince is having this contest to search for a bride?

TEACHER: (Response)

RYAN: You realize that having two husbands is illegal in the Kingdom of Carroll, don't you?

TEACHER: (Response)

RYAN: Well, I suppose if you win the contest, it'd be worth dumping your current husband to marry a prince, right?

ALTERNATE 2: If teacher's answer is "Miss," or a first name, do the following:

RYAN: (Repeat name) … That's a lovely name. Well, (name), just a couple questions we need to ask for the contest before you go in. (refers to his question sheet: )

RYAN: What's your occupation?

TEACHER: I'm a teacher.

RYAN: Wow! That's great! And have you ever done the Chicken Dance before?

TEACHER: (response, "Yes" or "No.")

RYAN (if she says "Yes") RYAN (if she says "No.")Well, great! Then, you know exactly What? You've never been to a What you're in for. Wedding reception? Well, it's

really an easy dance. We'll all help you, so I'm sure you'll catch on.

RYAN (con't):Our next contestant is … Number Four … Miss Martha Stupid.

MOM:That's Stewart.

RYAN:Whatever.

MOM comes forward.

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RYAN:So, Miss Stewart. What do you do for a living?

MOM:I'm a home maker. I love to grow my own vegetables and fresh herbs, cook for my lovely family. And I love to do crafts, too!

RYAN:I can see that. It's a very nice ankle bracelet you're – wait … that's a Prison alarm bracelet! Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

MOM:No, I have a perfect record. Nine arrests … no convictions.

RYAN:Great! And are you ready to do the Chicken dance?

MOM:Almost, Ryan. What festive chicken dance would be complete without a lovely, decorative chicken hat? (SHE pulls CHICKEN HAT out.) I made this hat with

MOM (Con't):some fresh, white linen, a few scraps of red and yellow felt, and some ordinary Elmer's glue. (Putting it on): Isn't it lovely?

RYAN:No chicken dancer should be without one! Are you ready to lead the dance, Prince Travis?

PRINCE:Yes, I am!

RYAN:Then everybody, stand up, up, up! (CAST may have to lead kids to rise) Great! Let's all get ready to do … THE CHICKEN DANCE!

SFX – THE CHICKEN DANCE

AT END, ALL APPLAUD, ETC … *NOTE: MOM must end up next to "teacher" for the next bit.

RYAN:Well, Prince Travis. That's the end of our "Chicken Dancing with the Stars," which means you face another tough decision: Which bachelorette are you going to award with … (handing him rose) … a lovely rose, allowing her to move into the finals?

PRINCE:Well, Ryan, the competition was really tough. But I think the better dancer was –

HE goes to hand rose to TEACHER, but MOM grabs it:

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MOM:ME! I'm the better chicken dancer. (TO Teacher, escorting her off stage): BAWK, BAWK! So long, sister! Maybe you should have a nice, home made chicken hat next time!

RYAN: (to Teacher):Sorry, Miss ______. But thank you so much for playing!

KING: (to audience):And now, on with my great reality show! I have an idea for something completely new and original that we're going to try for the next segment of our contest. It's a little something I'm going to call … a "group date." Prince Travis will have a date with three of our lucky contestants all at the same time! (to RYAN): Do you think that will work?

RYAN:Sure. It works on "The Bachelor."

KING (frowns):Just read the names of the contestants. (KING exits SR to change into "Randy")

SFX – "Game Show Music"

RYAN:Our next bachelorette says she comes from a very tall tower where her hobbies include sitting in a chair, looking out her window and combing her hair. Say hello to bachelorette number five …. RAPUNZEL!

RAPUNZEL enters, waving, tripping over her hair.And bachelorette number six comes to us from Mt. Carroll, Illinois, where she loves to cook, clean house and take care of her lovely family … say hello to CINDERELLA!

CINDERELLA enters, waving, blowing kisses.And our last contestant for the Group Date comes to us from the Bavarian Forest, where she enjoys snoozing, napping and slumbering … say hello to lucky number seven, Sleeping Beauty!

SLEEPING BEAUTY is rolled on chair with wheels, snoring.So, Prince Travis. Are you ready to go on your "Group date?"

PRINCE:I sure am, Ryan!

RYAN:Then, have a seat, and let the date begin!

PRINCE TRAVIS takes a seat by the three contestants. All ad-lib "hellos."

PRINCE:

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Hello, ladies! Well, I guess to get the date started, I'll ask a few questions if you don't mind. (ALL ad-lib "okay.") Bachelorette number five … I can't help but notice that you have really long hair. What made you grow it so long?

RAPUNZEL:What? Are you talking to me? I can't hear you, can you speak up please?

PRINCE: (louder)WHY IS YOUR HAIR SO LONG?

RAPUNZEL:Ohhhhh! (Beat) Broccoli!

PRINCE: (moving on, to CINDY):And contestant number six. I didn't catch your name. What is it?

RAPUNZEL:Rapunzel!

PRINCE:No, no. I meant (points at CINDY) her, please.

RAPUNZELOh, no! I hate peas. They're green and slimey. (Smiling.) Yuck!

PRINCE: (to RAPUNZEL)Thanks. (to SLEEPING B): Um. Do you like peas?

SLEEPING BEAUTY(LOUD SNORE)

PRINCEI see. (To CINDY): Hey, you don't have any shoes on. Why not?

CINDERELLA:Oh, I’m just a casual kind of gal. I skated here, and left my rollerblades at the door.

PRINCE:I love rollerblading! Of course, my dad doesn't let me skate in the house, so I do it out on the terrace.

RAPUNZEL: (giggling)No, carrots are orange! That's a silly color for a vegetable! Gross!

PRINCE:No, no. We were talking about ROLLERBLADES.

RAPUNZEL:You can put them in Rubbermaid, you can put them in Tupperware. I still won't eat them.

35

PRINCE:Right. (To SLEEPING): Um, bachelorette number seven, do you like to rollerblade?

SLEEPING:(LOUD SNORE)

PRINCE:I see. (To CINDY): What's your name, again?

CINDY (quietly): RAPUNZEL: (loudly)Cinderella. RAPUNZEL!

PRINCE (ignoring RAPUNZEL, to CINDY):I'm sorry. I didn’t' quite catch it.

CINDY (quietly): RAPUNZEL (loudly):Cinderella. RAPUNZEL!

PRINCE:WHAT???!

CINDY (quietly): RAPUNZEL (loudly):Cinderella. RAPUNZEL!

SILENCE. CINDY and PRINCE stare at RAPUNZEL.

RAPUNZEL:It's German for (very guttural) "Frohe Geburtstag Rauchen!"

PRINCE (To CINDY):Where were you born?

CINDERELLA:Only in one of the best cities in the whole entire world … Mount Carroll, Illinois!

PRINCE:Really? That's where I'm from! We have a lot in common! (To RAPUNZEL): Where were you born?

RAPUNZEL:No. Corn gets stuck in my teeth! All this talk of vegetables! You're so silly! (SHE slugs PRINCE and he falls off his chair.)

PRINCE: (to SLEEPING B):Bachelorette Number seven. Where were you born?

SLEEPING B:(SNORES LOUDLY, rolls over and sucks her thumb.)

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PRINCE: (To CINDY):

I'm sorry, I still didn't catch your name.

RAPUNZEL:RAPUNZEL! Gosh, you should really get your hearing checked.

PRINCE: (Exasperated, to RAPUNZEL)Um … what vegetables do you like? How about Broccoli?

RAPUNZELYES! That's my favorite song!

SFX – "Ding Dong"

RYAN:Oh, I'm sorry. That bell means it's the end of the "Group date." Prince Travis, that means you have to give one of these contestants (handing PRINCE rose) this single rose … allowing them to move on to the final round.

PRINCE:Oo. It's really a tough choice. They're all very nice.

RAPUNZEL (looking at rose):DO you want me to EAT that?

PRINCE (quickly handing rose to CINDY):But I pick her!

CINDERELLAYes!

RYAN:Great. And that means, bachelorette number six, you get to move on to the final round!

SFX – ApplauseAnd now, ladies and gentlemen … it's time for the final elimination round of our contest. Can I have lucky number bachelorette NUMBER EIGHT come up onto the stage!

HOUSE LIGHTS come up and TEACHER is brought onto the stage. When TEACHER is on stage, RYAN leads her to stage left proscenium. A special comes up on them and LIGHTS go dark on stage (so they can set up the IDOL judges table.)

RYAN:Hello! Don't you look absolutely lovely. And what is your name?

TEACHER: (RESPONSE)

RYAN: And what's your occupation?

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TEACHER: (Probably will say "Teacher.")

RYAN:Wow! Looks like we have a lot of teachers here today, looking for a husband! Well, Miss ______, Are you ready to meet your competition for this round? (RESPONSE) Let's bring out Bachelorette number nine, KOURTNEY NIBBLES-MUCH!

KOURTNEY enters and joins them at Stage Left proscenium.Hello, Bachelorette number nine. And how are you today?

KOURTNEY: (smitten with RYAN)Just peachy, Ryan.

RYAN:Whew! Have you been eating onions?

KOURTNEY:Why, yes, I have! How did you guess? You're so smart … and cute!

RYAN:Wow, let's move along here! And, ladies, are you ready to hear your challenge? (RESPONSE) In the next portion of our contest, we are going to let judges rate your singing voices in a section that's ripped off from: AMERICAN IDOL!

SFX – "American Idol" Theme.(To Teacher:) Have you ever sung in public before?

TEACHER: (Response)

RYAN: Wow. So, are you nervous about singing for the Prince?

TEACHER: (RESPONSE)

RYAN:I see. And how about you, KOURTNEY?

KOURTNEY:No, I'm not nervous about singing for the Prince. I'm sure he'll love my voice and want to marry me. (Beat) But if he doesn't, that's okay. There's someone else I have my eye on, too. (WINKS at RYAN)

RYAN:Great. Well, we flipped a coin back stage, and Bachelorette number Eight, it looks like you go first. Let's just move you over here (he moves her center) to meet the judges. And Good Luck!

RYAN moves away. Lights come up on a table Stage right, revealing Paula, Randy and Simon (with a newspaper up covering his face):

RANDY:What's up, dawg?

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PAULA:Hi, honey! And what's your name?

TEACHER:(response)

RANDY:Where you from, Dawg?

TEACHER:(response)

PAULA:And what will you be singing today?

TEACHER: (Response)

*Here, PAULA takes charge in any improv. If the teacher doesn't have a song, Paula suggests some current rock songs … if the teacher doesn't know any, PAULA goes to her and hands her lyrics for the "__________________." PAULA needs to whisper to the teacher to ask her to sing LOUD.

PAULA:Okay, whenever you're ready, honey …

THE TEACHER SINGS.

At an appropriate time, playing off teacher's singing (and it could be right after the first line, if teacher is LOUD), SIMON lowers his paper and yells:

SIMON:Stop, stop, stop! (Wait for silence.) That was absolutely dreadful. That has to be the worst singing I've ever heard in my entire life. It sounds like a drag queen in a karaoke bar in a bad Las Vegas lounge review.

(TEACHER may respond here. If not, Randy goes on.)

RYAN: (to SIMON)So, I take it that's a "no" for you?

SIMON:Absolutely not. Never in a thousand, gabillion years.

RYAN:Paula?

PAULA (sweetly):

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Oh, honey … Your personality is just so … wow! You really got it going on! And those shoes (Dress, etc) are so cute!

RYAN:So, that's a "yes" from you Paula?

PAULA (doing her signature "over the head" clap):Absolutely! Wonderful! Yes!

RYAN:So, that's one yes and one no. Randy, you have the deciding vote.

RANDY:Ya know, Dawg, that just really wasn't a good song choice for you. It was just aw'right. I wasn't feeling it. So … I'm sorry, but it's a no from me, too. Sorry, Dawg.

RYAN: Oh, I'm sorry, (name). This must be really hard for you. Well, at least you have that "teaching" thing to fall back on.

SFX – "Been A Bad Day"

RYAN gets the teacher. As he walks her to her seat during the following, he's pulls her head to his shoulder and consoles her. CINDY approaches PRINCE TRAVIS. NICKY watches her suspiciously from the snack table, where she is eating an orange.

RYAN: (to audience):And we have our next contestant coming up … right after the commercial break!

ALL shift positions to casual, lounging around.

CINDY (Aside):Excuse me, Mr. Prince.

PRINCE:You can call me Travis.

CINDY:Hi, Travis! I just … I got you a little something for your birthday.

PRINCE:Wow, with all the excitement over the contest, I completely forgot about my birthday. How sweet of you to remember!

CINDY:Well, go ahead! Open it!

PRINCE (opening gift):

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Wow, it's the new Clay Aiken CD! Cool! (This could be Kelly Clarkson, but Clay is funnier, right?)

CINDY:I know how much you love "American Idol," so I thought you might like it!

PRINCE:Clay Aiken is only like my favorite recording star of all time! Thank you so much!

NICKY (nudging between them):I got you a present, too, Travis!

PRINCE:You did? That's nice of you. (Beat) Well, where is it?

NICKY (thinking):It's … um, it's … right here in my head! It's a birthday poem I wrote just for you. That's what I do. It's my thing. I write poems. Yeah, that's it. I'm a poet …tress.

PRINCE (Beat):Oh. Okay, I'm ready.

NICKY:Um … "Today is your birthday … and stuff. And we celebrate it with mirth … day and … stuff. I think you're really, really, really, really … really cute … and stuff." (Beat, she curtsies) The end.

PRINCE:Gee … that was … interesting. Thank you. It was a very nice poem.

NICKY:And look! (SHE puts in "orange rind" teeth) How do you do, Travis? I'm Princess Orange Rind teeth! I think you should marry me! Pretty funny, huh?

PRINCE:Yeah. Pretty funny.

NICKY:Would you like to hear another poem?

PRINCE:NO! I mean … no, thank you. I have to get back to the contest. Thank you.

NICKY:Don't forget to pick me! (holding up 9 fingers): Nine! Contestant number nine. (mouthing it silently) Nine!

SFX – "American Idol"

RYAN:

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We're back. And we have one final contestant left tonight. Miss KOURTNEY Nibbles-much. KOURTNEY, why don't you come over here and say hello to our judges?

KOURTNEYHi, Randy! Hi, Paula! Hi, Simon! I love you!

SIMON:I think I'm going to barf.

PAULA:Don't you pay any attention to him, sweetie. What are you going to be singing for us tonight?

KOURTNEY:Well, I think I'd like to sing you one of my favorite songs. (HANNAH PICK.)

RANDY:You go ahead, whenever your ready, dawg.

KOURTNEY:(SINGS)

SIMON:Stop! Stop, please! (Beat) That was simply … amazing! That was the best singing voice I've ever heard in my entire life. You are Brittany Spears, Kelly Clarkson and Diana Ross all rolled into one.

RANDY:I've worked with Diana Ross.

SIMON:Of course, you have.

RYAN:So, Simon, that sounds like a "yes."

SIMON:Absolutely.

RYAN:Randy, what did you think of Miss Nibbles-much?

RANDY:Looks like we got one for the dog pound! Woof, woof, woof, woof!

RYAN:That's two "yeses." Paula?

PAULA: (crying):

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That was just … you have star quality. Your spirit just moved me soooo much! I - (wails)-ahh!

SIMON:All right, that's enough, Paula.

RYAN:Well, bachelorette number nine … it looks like you move into our final ceremony!

SFX – Trumpet Fanfare

PRINCE TRAVIS reluctantly hands her a rose.

KOURTNEY (jumping up and down):I do? I'm a finalist! Oh, my gosh! Thank you! (Screams and general hysterics.)

RYAN: (to audience)That's right. We have four finalists. Will these following bachelorettes please step forward: Bachelorette number nine (KOURTNEY steps forward, screams, etc.); Bachelorette number six (CINDY steps forward): Bachelorette number four (MOM steps next to CINDY) –

MOM: (to CINDY):You look strangely familiar.

RYAN:And bachelorette number Two. (GOG steps forward.) Here are the final four contestants! Who will Prince Travis pick to be his new bride? We're going to tell you ... right after the commercial break.

SFX: "Midnight Toll"

CINDERELLA:What's that sound?

PRINCE:Oh, nothing. It's just the clock striking midnight.

CINDERELLA (to audience):Midnight! Darn my luck! I gotta go. (SHE starts to exit.) I hope I see you around some time! But, I doubt that's going to happen! (to Room) See you all later! Bye!

CINDY exits. ALL move around and talk in shock, chaos. PRINCE goes to the STEPS.

PRINCE:Excuse me. Do you happen to know who that young lady was who just ran out of here?

KOURTNEY:You mean that dumb girl with no shoes?

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KHLOE:And the outdated dress?

PRINCE:Yes! That's the one!

KHLOE:Who knows.

KOURTNEY:Who cares.

PRINCE:I do!

PRINCE: (approaching RYAN)Hey, Sea Turtle.

RYAN:That's SeaCREST.

PRINCE:Oh. Sorry. Do you know who that girl who just ran out of here?

RYAN (shrugging):Search me. (PRINCE begins "searching" him.) Hey, what are you doing?

PRINCE:I'm searching you.

RYANWell, cut it out! It tickles.

PRINCE:I asked you a question! Do you know who that girl was?

RYAN (aside, to Audience):Now, I could tell Prince Travis Cinderella's name, but … what fun would that be? I think he needs a little "reality" check himself. One test … to prove that he really loves Cinderella. So, what do you say we make this a little more interesting? (To PRINCE): Um, she told me her name, but I forgot.

PRINCE:You forgot? How could you forget something so important?

RYAN:It didn't seem important at the time. ("remembering") HEY! You know what? (Gets rollerblades:) She left in such a hurry, she forgot these. Maybe they'll help.

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PRINCE goes over to KING, who is combing his hair and looking in a hand mirror, blowing kisses at himself.

PRINCEDad! Dad! Did you see what happened? The girl I love ran out of her before I got to give her the final rose!

KING:That's the breaks, kid. Can't you pick one of these fine young ladies for a bride?

Other contestants wave and smile.

PRINCE:But I don’t want another young lady! I love … that one girl. But I don't even know her name. All I know is her shoe size.

KING:What are you talking about?

PRINCE (showing KING):She ran off so quick that she left her rollerblades. Size 8.

KING (thinks, then):I'll tell ya what we're gonna do! I read something in a book once: You're gonna take these rollerblades and a camera man, ride throughout the entire kingdom, and see who they fit. Whoever they fit will be the girl that was here tonight and, thus … your true love. It'll get amazing ratings! It'll be huge! (The Donald says "uge.")

PRINCE:That mission sounds impossible, Dad. Doesn’t more than one girl wear a size 8?

KING DONALD: Not in Fairy Tales, kid. (out to audience): Not in Fairy Tales.

BLACK OUT!!!SFX – "Mission Impossible" shift

SET REVOLVES BACK TO CINDY'S HOUSE.

SCENE 3: CINDERELLA'S HOUSE

LIGHTS come up on CINDY, back in her rags, scrubbing the floor. STEPS enter, yawning, etc.

CINDY:Good morning, evil step family.

STEPS:

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Good morning, Cinderstinkbomb.

CINDY:Did you all have a good time at the contest last night?

NICKY:We sure did! They had so much food there! It was heaven.

CINDY:Um, I was just wondering. Who won? Who did Prince Travis pick to be his new wife?

KOURTNEY turns on the TV. RYAN pops out.

RYAN: (to audience)Suddenly, when Wicked Stepsister KOURTNEY turned on the TV, something exciting came on the air! ME!

SFX: Newsroom TypingGood morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is Ryan Seacrest here with an important news broadcast from King Donald. As many of you may have seen last night on the television show, "Project Princess," the Handsome Prince Travis was just about to give the final rose to a beautiful young lady and ask her to be his bride, when suddenly the clock struck midnight … and the mysterious contestant ran away from the castle! The Prince is searching desperately for his run away bride, who only left one clue: a pair of roller blades.

CINDERELLA (Aside):Oh, my! Prince Travis was going to pick me to be his bride!

RYAN:Today, the Prince will go to every house in the entire kingdom, trying the in-line skates on every single girl, until he finds his true love! More details … after the commercial break.

MOM snaps off the television set.

MOM:Did you hear that, girls? The Prince is coming here! We better go change so we look our best when he arrives.

SFX: Car Horn

KOURTNEY: (looking off)It's too late, Mommy Dearest! He's here!

CINDY:Yeah! I can hardly wait to see Prince Travis again. (ALL turn and look at her.) I mean, "I can hardly wait to meet him for the very first time!"

MOM:What are you talking about? You can't meet the Prince?

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CINDY:But the news said he wants to try the rollerblades on every girl in the kingdom.

MOM:They didn't mean you, nitwit. (to SISTERS) Quick! Hide her in the bathroom before she scares the Prince away with her hideousness!

SISTERS grab CINDY and start to drag her off.

KHLOE:Come on, ugly!

KOURTNEY:It's toilet time for you!

MOM:And scrub the bathtub while you're in there!

ALL laugh at her.CINDY:

How did you get to be so mean?MOM:

Lots and lots of practice! Now go!

KOURTNEY AND KHLOE push CINDY off stage.

SFX: Doorbell

MOM and SISTERSCome in! It's open!

THE CAMERAMAN enters.

KHLOE:Who are you?

CAMERA MAN (filming) Announcing … Prince Travis!

KHLOE & KOURTNEY:The Prince is here! The Prince is here!

MOM:STOP THAT! Try to behave like ladies!

PRINCE (Entering, with rollerblades)Good morning, ladies! I'm sure you all know why I'm here.

KHLOE: (shoving her way past the others)Why, yes! You brought my rollerblades back to me! How kind of you!

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KOURTNEY:Your skates? You big liar! (Shoves KHLOE aside) You see, these are MY skates, and well, honestly, I don't even see why there is any point in trying them on. We'll just get married right now.

PRINCE: (taking skates back, pulls chair center)Sorry, but I have to try them on ALL of you. Those are the rules.

MOM:Well, what are you waiting for you ninnies! Try them on!

KHLOE and KOURTNEY pull their shoes off and all react to the smell.

PRINCE (handing skates to CAMERA MAN):Here. You do it.

CAMERA MANNo way! This was your big idea.

KHLOE: (sitting in chair, waving her foot)I'm ready, Mr. Prince!

PRINCE tries it on her foot.

PRINCE:I'm sorry, but this is way too big for you.

KHLOE:But –

PRINCE:Next!

KOURTNEY instantly pushes KHLOE to the floor and takes the chair.

KOURTNEYHere I am, darling! I'm ready for you to put MY roller blade on.

PRINCE tries to up skate on, but it won't fit.

PRINCE:Well, this seems a little small to be your skate.

MOM:Nonsense! You're just not doing it right! Let me try! (MOM tries to force it on to no avail.) KHLOE, help me! (THEY try again, KOURTNEY screaming in pain.) Oh! What was I thinking? This is MY roller blade! I totally forgot!

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PRINCE:Um, I'm pretty sure that these aren't yours. The girl that they belonged to was … um … much younger than you!

MOM:You better try that skate on me … or I'll sue you for age discrimination!

PRINCE (sighing):Oh, all right.

As PRINCE goes to put skate on MOM, CINDY enters.

CINDY: (with toilet brush)I've finished scrubbing the toilet, Mommy Dearest. Is there anything else you'd like me to do?

PRINCE moves suddenly, causing MOM to fall on floor.

PRINCE: (to CINDY)You … you look strangely familiar.

MOM:Impossible. You've never met her before. She's just my ugly step daughter.

KHLOE:That's right. Cinderella wasn't even at the ball last night.

PRINCE:Cinderella! What a lovely name! You look a lot like my favorite bachelorette. A messy, dirtier version of her-but still, you look just like my bachelorette number six!

KOURTNEY:Are you sure you don't mean me? I was number nine. If you turn it upside down, it looks like a six.

PRINCE:Cinderella, will you please try these skates on for me?

CINDY takes the skates and puts them on during:

MOM:There is no possible way those skates could belong to her!

KHLOE:She wasn’t at the ball, we told you!

KOURTNEY:Besides, they'll never fit her. She has a big fat foot to match her big fat head!

CINDY stands up. The skates, of course, fit perfectly!

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CINDY:Well, it looks like a pretty good fit to me!

PRINCE:Why, it IS you, bachelorette number six! Cinderella! And you're even more beautiful than I remembered.

CINDY (punching him):Quit it. You're embarrassing me.

PRINCE (kneeling, pulling out ring):Will you marry me, Cinderella?

SISTERS:Waaaaaaaaahhh!

CINDY:Yes! I'll TOTALLY marry you!

THEY kiss.

PRINCE:You rock, Cindy! What do you say we get out of here? I'll take you down to Subway Sandwiches and buy you (holding one up) a six inch Spicy Italian on home made bread!

CINDY:Oooooo, okay!

CINDY & PRINCE start to exit.

MOM:WAIT A MINUTE!!!! (C & P stop.) Wait just a gosh darn minute! If you take Cinderella away, what will ever become of us?

THE STEPS ad-lib, 'yeah, what about us?" etc…

PRINCE:Well, I suppose you could come and live with us.

CINDY (aside, shaking her head "no": )Ix-nay on the iv with us-Lay.

PRINCE (to CINDY: )Oh. (to STEPS: ) Forget I said that.

KOURTNEY:What?! This is an outrage!

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KHLOE:I demand a rewrite! This play stinks!

MOM:Oh put a sock in it and get to work!

MOM hands the sisters buckets and rags.

SISTERS (whining) :But, Mommy!

MOM:"But Mommy" nothing! If you two aren't going to marry a Prince, you might as well make yourselves useful. Now clean!

SISTERS whine and wail as they begin to scrub the floor.

SISTERS:Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

RYAN: (to audience: )So, you see, kids. It just doesn't pay to be mean, does it? (Audience response, then to STEPS : ) DOES IT?

STEPS (crying):Nooooooooo!

RYAN:But as for sweet Cinderella, she found herself a handsome Bachelor Prince. And you can surely bet that they all lived –

SFX – "Happily Ever After"

ALL (with the STEPS crying: )Happily ever after!

RYAN: (to audience)See you later, folks! Seacrest OUT!

BLACKOUT

SFX – BOWS MUSIC

LIGHTS UP FOR BOWS

FINAL BLACK OUT

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PROPS LIST-- microphone for Ryan-- Notepad and pen for RYAN at "Idol"-- lyric sheet for PAULA to give teacher.-- 3 giant "Coke" props for IDOL table.-- Contestant Numbers for Teachers-- Contestant Numbers for Princess prospects. (numbers get really, really high as the show goes on.)-- Television-- TV remote.-- Edible food for KOURTNEY.-- Toast (1 for first scene, 1 for each performance of FEAR FACTOR)-- fake food for Cindy to bring KOURTNEY.-- Dry cleaning on wire hangers. (Cindy gives KHLOE)-- Drawing of "Hot bath" for Ryan-- Log for "Showtime at the Apollo."-- phone for Cindy.-- Long, colorful hanky chain for Ryan.-- comb for King-- Hand mirror for King-- headset for Joan Rivers.-- TV Camera-- "Magic Wand" for Fairy Godmother -- Credit Card for Stacy & Clinton-- "Princess Drawing" for Clinton and Stacy-- Clay Aiken CD and Gift Box.-- Orange-- Orange rind "teeth"-- "Bachelorette" Number Tags. (1 thru 9)

1: KHLOE 6: CINDERELLA2: GOG 7: SLEEPING BEAUTY3: TEACHER (front of house) 8: TEACHER (front of house)4: MOM 9: KOURTNEY5: RAPUNZEL

-- Chicken Hat (Mom)-- 5 roses for ceremonies. (In vase on snack table?)-- ring in box (for Prince to propose)

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