chapter 1 - chapter 11

8/14/2019 Chapter 1 - Chapter 11

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1. Small Town

I was born and raised in Camden, Maine. There isn’t much to it but whenpeople are asked why they chose to come to a small town such as Camden, the

answer is always the same. “We wanted a simple life.” Whenever I hear that, I have to hide my giggle. Just because the town’s total

population was less than 5,000 people, it didn’t mean that life here was simple. Ourfamily has experienced that first hand. Overall, there isn’t anything wrong with

Camden, actually I rather like the small town feel. Everyone knows everyone in someway. Everything is familiar and that is something that I like, I don’t take kindly to

change. Some people see change as a good thing, I don’t. I see change as

something that upsets the balance. I know Camden is nothing like New York City butfor us who have grown up here who knows how to find constructive things to do,

Camden is just fine. I never have understood why people are in such a hurry to

move on. There are a few things that people do in Camden, it might not be going toa hot new dance club or shopping in some extravagant store, but it suits us all just

fine. We have the Lobster Fest every year.For a small town such as this, the Lobster Fest is a big deal. At the festival

they have an all-you-can eat lobster contest that always brings the crowds.That made me think of Gregory Allten and how he has won the contest four

years in a row. The rumor is he’s going for number five. The grand prize winner of the eating contest receives a trophy from the mayor and a week’s supply of lobster.

Doesn’t seem like much, but what else can anyone expect from a small town. I seeGreg around school sometimes, but whenever I see him he’s always by himself or

with the guys that are obsessed with video games. I think those guys get picked onmore than most. They don’t seem to bother anyone. You can usually find them

sitting on the grassy area by the office. I guess they figured it’s the safest place forthem. From what I hear, Greg is really good.

What makes me sad about Greg is that he is a bit overweight and some of the

people at the high school aren’t very sensitive. There have been a few times over theyears where he’s been made fun of. I remember one year in middle school where oneof the popular girls asked him to the spring dance. As it turns out it was only a joke.

Just thinking about that upset me. No one deserves to be treated that way. Gregisn’t the only one who has had problems with their weight. I’ve had problems with

my weight, and I know what it feels like to be made fun of. It’s something I don’t liketo talk about outside of my close friends.

Another exciting event that takes place during the Lobster Fest is the beautypageant. More people come to the pageant for Camden Queen than for the lobster

eating contest. I guess it’s because girls wear bathing suits and entertain the

audience with singing and dancing. For some people this is the highlight of their livesand so they put so much effort into it. I’m surprised by how many girls participate in

it. I’ve gone a few times but I always walk out of there feeling less attractive than Idid before I walked in. The girl crowned queen gets: a rhinestone crown which I’lladmit is appealing, matching scepter, a $500 scholarship and a ride in the Snow Bowl

parade.In the winter time we have what’s called the Snow Bowl, which is basically

when people of the town get together and participate in winter sports such as skiingand riding on toboggans. Something I’m secretly looking forward to is the dance that

takes place every year. Everyone is planning on going, and what I would love morethan anything, is if Will Rafferty asked me to go. I use to think the Snow Bowl was



fun when we were growing up, but I don’t think any of us will be going this year.Something that I like about Camden is the opera house. I have always found theater

fascinating and whenever there is a worthy show or performance, which doesn’thappen very often, I always try to go. That’s a hidden goal of mine, to have a really

good play put on here. A show so good that it will have the whole country buzzing. If only there was someone who had the courage to write such a show.

The town has been in a down spell for a while now. There doesn’t seem to bea lot of people who want to make the trip to this cold lobster known town. That’s why

the town people are really pushing the Snow Bowl this year, to see if they bring thespark back. Something all the girls look forward to is the dance I’d never admit it to

anyone but I’m sort of looking forward to it too. Can’t really blame people though, if they weren’t born here people don’t seem to appreciate what this little dot on a map

has to offer.It’s the perfect time of year, the air is crisp and clean to where you could

almost taste season. I took a deep breath in and slowly let the cool air back out. Ilooked out at the lake our house overlooked and thought about what was beyond this

little town. If maybe somewhere there was a girl contemplating the same issues as

me. I was looking for anything that might bring me comfort.The problem with growing up in a town that was small was there weren’t a lot

of places a person can go to be alone. My usual routine involves wandering aroundour house, going from the den to my bedroom and then the living room to thesecond story patio. Somehow I always end up on the dock out by the lake.

We have a sailboat in the slot, but I can’t remember the last time Dad took itout. I think it was back when Jon and me were 10; he took the whole family on a trip

down the coast. We had such a good time. Sailing was always a special thingbetween dad and Spencer. I think that’s why the boat hasn’t been touched in almost

a year. There were too many painful memories.On the deck there are a couple of white wooden patio chairs and since it is

starting to get rather cold out, I have wrapped myself in one of my soft warmblankets. I always tell myself that when I make my way down to the dock, I don’t

need to bring anything else with me because that defeats the purpose of thinking. If

I were to bring something such as a book with me, I’d be thinking about what’sgoing in the book and not the problem I’m trying to work out. I lost this argumentwith myself every time, so just for the sake of comfort I have an old familiar favorite

on the arm of the chair. For me though, reading is my only escape. If I didn’t havemy books, I wouldn’t have anything.

Then my mind turned to the one thing I really didn’t want to think aboutbecause the outcome was always the same. I know that things have been difficult for

everyone but I don’t think that just digging ourselves into deep holes is going to fixanything. No one else in my family seemed interested in making our way out of

deep, dark holes and comfort each other.I know Spencer didn’t plan for this to happen but I found myself being angry

at him. He’s the reason our family is falling apart. Sometimes when I thought about

this, I wanted to run right upstairs bang on his door and yell at him. Tell him to stop

playing around; tell mom and dad that he was just joking. Then I remembered Icouldn’t do that. I would never be able to bang on his door and have him appear in

the door way with those eyes I love so much. When that happens, it’s like having theaccident happening again and again, and I’m not sure how much more my heart can

take. I’m waiting for the day where it simply won’t be able to take anymore and I’ll just die.

What would be so sad about me dying is that I don’t think my family wouldnotice. Ever since the accident, my family has been involved in their own lives. It’s

as if there are four one person families living here rather than one family of four.

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Mom was such a wonderful person that was so caring and so helpful but ever sincethat day, she’s only had time for one thing and it usually takes the shape of a Grey

Goose Vodka bottle. I can’t stand to go in our kitchen anymore because it smells likedowngraded bar and there are empty booze bottles all over the place. I’m usually the

one that cleans up the mess. Mom and I use to be so close.When I was younger, she would always tell me how much she always wanted

a daughter and when she found out she was pregnant with a boy and a girl, she wasover the moon. We did everything together. My favorite time with mom used to be

the Sunday mornings. I was never like my brothers, sleeping in until 2 in theafternoon. Both mom and I were early birds. She would always play with my hair and

watch my favorite cartoons. While we were waiting for the boys to get up, momwould make pancakes. She knew the aroma would wake them up and it worked

every time. Oh how much I miss those days. I’d give anything to have those happymoments back.

I don’t have many memories with my dad, main reason being he was neveraround. My father has become a joke. I don’t pretend to think that my parents are

and have always been blissfully happy, but I didn’t realize things were as bad as they

are. I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way in their marriage,they became strangers. My dad has always been a hard working and successful man.

They were quite a few nights when it was just the boys, me and mom at the dinnertable. When I was little, I asked him one night why he was always working. He toldme it was so he could provide a better life for his family.

I know that our life, at least in the materialistic aspect is extremely good. AsI’ve gotten older, I’ve realized there is so much more to life, than having a nice a car

or having the latest computer.There’s something going on with him; he just seems to act differently. He was

hardly at home before Spencer’s death, but now he’s gone for days at a time.Nobody has seemed to notice but me.

Jon is the person that worries me the most. We use to be so close when wewere little, but I cannot deny the special relationship he had with Spencer. He was

our big brother and there were things Jon could do with him that he could never do

with me. Boys will be boys after all. I can see how hard this whole mess has been onhim but what frustrates me about him is whenever I try to comfort him, he turnsaway from me. I am absolutely terrified for Jon; he has thrown himself into his

sports and music, there seems to be nothing else. It’s as if he has removed himself from the world. How lonely that must be. Jon is the only sibling I have left and it will

absolutely destroy me if I lose him, too.When Spencer was killed, it’s as if I lost my entire family in the accident.

Nothing has been the same. What am I going to do? I’m losing my family. I’mfighting to save them. The question is, “do I have the strength to save them?”

I don’t remember how long I’ve been out here, sitting in this big old whitechair. But when I looked back up towards where the sun had been, all I can see was

a portion of it. It seemed like the sun was peeking back over the horizon to see if I

was still watching it.

“Yep.” I said to the sun, “I’m still here.”

After I said my farewell to the sun, I gathered my blanket and book andmade the tireless journey to the cold, dismal establishment that was suppose to be

my home.

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2. Jon

When I finally made it into the house, before I have headed for the stairs, Istopped by the kitchen to see how big of a mess mom had left me. To my surprise

there were only three bottles on the counter, so it only took me a few minutes to

wash them out, throw them in the recycling and wipe down the counter.Before I went upstairs, I went over the door that led to the basement and

pressed the speaker box. I usually did that when I came home from school just tosee if by some miracle, my 3 minute older brother was home. I pressed the button

and listened. All I heard was the faint buzzing noise the speaker sometimes made.More than likely he was out somewhere with Henry and Caleb.

We have a beautiful piano down there in the basement, complete with its ownbathroom and shower. Sometimes when I forgot who lived here, this house amazed

me. As I climbed the stairs to my room, all I could think about was my big,comfortable bed and how nice it will be when I get to lay in it.

The first room I passed was what was supposed to be Mom and Dad’s room. Ipeeked inside and could hear the familiar sound of Mom vomiting. Before my anger

got the best of me, I shut the door behind me and kept moving forward.The room I came across next was the door that always stopped me. I turned

to face it as if I was going to go in although I knew that I wouldn’t be able to turnthe knob. I thought about him, but then I kept walking. I knew Jon wasn’t home so

when I came to his bedroom door I didn’t see the point of opening it.Finally, my room which was on the opposite side of the stairs was suddenly

just inches away. I took a deep breath and then walked into what I liked to call mysafe haven. The only thing I really liked about my father working so much was he

was able to buy the things I wanted. When I was old enough to appreciate my ownspace, I knew that I wanted something that would relax me the moment I walked in.

My walls were painted a soft but cheerful green. I picked out the color myself and

thought that it suited me to perfection. All the pieces in my room are special to me.They’re pieces that express my personality. I have a small night stand with a silver

based lamp right by the door. Next to the night stand I have my favorite piece of furniture, my black ottoman. I fall asleep here at least a few times a week.

With my book still in hand, I walked over to my extremely large mahogany

book case. Just looking at my books brought a smile to my face. I don’t know whythey made me feel so happy but as bad as things are right now, I can use all the

happiness I can get my hands on.I put the book in its rightful place and just as I was headed to take a nice hot

shower, some flash of light outside caught my eye. I looked to see what time wasand saw that the clock on the wall said it was 7:30. I went to my window to see what

the brightness had been and to my surprise, I saw the familiar black Scion pull intothe garage. Jon was home. I thought it was unusual for him to be back so early; he

usually doesn’t come home until I’ve already gone to bed. Chances were that he washeading towards the basement; it has been his unofficial room for months. I heard

the door in kitchen slam shut and knew that he would be in the basement in amatter of seconds. I had failed so many times when it came to talking to Jon but my

pride got the better of me.Without thinking whether it was a good idea or not, I ran from the room and

headed down the stairs towards the basement. When I got to the basement door, just as if I was walking into Spencer’s room, I hesitated. Wondering to myself how I

was going to initiate this conversation and attempt to keep it from turning into ascreaming match. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened the door. As I

descended to meet my brother, the air filled with the glorious sound of the grand

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piano. I moved slowly, taking one step at a time. I considered turning around andforgetting the whole thing but unlike the rest of the people in my family, I was not

afraid of confrontation. Fortunately for me, the grand piano is facing the wall so Jonhad his back to me. I never could sneak up on him, no matter how careful I walked.

He always seemed to know when I was around. We’d always joke that he had a sixthsense. He was my twin after all and no matter how much either of us denied it, we

knew each other extremely well. I approached him slowly and always wondered whythat despite the fact he knew I was there, he never initiated the conversation. When

I thought of that, I had a feeling of irritation run through me. Why did everythinghave to be so damn hard? I decided the best way to approach him would be to

mention the unfamiliar piece he was currently playing. I strolled up to the piano andstood at his side.

“It sounds beautiful Jon. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you play it before.” I wasn’t sure if he had heard me. He was playing rather loud. I realized there was no

point in talking to him he wasn’t listening. I turned to go, when I heard him say, “It’ssomething new. I started writing it last night.”

I turned back around, and sat next to him on the bench.

“Sometimes I wish I’d kept up with music, but I feel I lack the passion thatyou seem to have so much of.”

Without ever looking up, Jon responded to me. “I don’t consider this to be my passion; this is how I stay sane.”

My heart went out to him. But it seemed like he was not accepting it, no matter how

I delivered it. I was fighting for my brother’s life and it felt like I was losing it. “Jon,” I said softly, “I’m worried about you. You have become a totally new

person and I don’t like it.” He stopped playing but still did not look at me. I wasbecoming angry but kept my anger under control.

“I don’t mean to worry you,” he said. “I have changed yes, but it’s nothing you should concern yourself about.” I

couldn’t take it anymore. I stood up and walked to the left side of the piano. Iwanted to get as close as I could. I could feel the anger erupting out of me like water

from a geyser.

“Damn it, Jon, look at me! I can’t take this anymore. You’re not alone here;you aren’t the only one this has happened to! He was my brother, too.” That did it.Jon shot up from the chair, stared right at me with eyes as if they were on fire.

“I am alone! You cannot possibly understand what it feels like. Everyday Ifight back the memories, the images of what happened and I cannot bear it. What

else can I do?” I stared back at him with furious eyes of my own. “You can turn to me! I have tried countless times, to bring you comfort, but

you have denied me. Our family if falling apart and you aren’t doing anything to saveit. I feel like it is me holding this family up. My greatest fear is that this grief and

anger will destroy us all.” I could see that the fire was starting to fade from his eyesand in its place came the sadness and grief. I thought, “At last, I’ve gotten through.”

What a silly thought. All he did was take a deep sigh and headed for the stairs. I

wasn’t going to let him get away that easy. I haven’t let it happen yet, why start

now? When he reached the stairs I screamed, “You are such a coward! And I hate you for it”. As I said the words, the tears

flowed freely from my eyes. Jon turned back towards my direction, ran up to me andput his hands on my arms, squeezing me like a boa constrictor squeezes its prey.

“What would you have me do?! Tell me oh wise one, what should I do?Nothing I say or do will ever bring him back. You may not like the way I grieve, but it

is the way my soul has chosen. Forgive me as I am not as strong as you are.” Hisgrasp on my arms was intensifying and was really starting to hurt me.

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“You are hurting me! I can see the pain you are feeling. I feel it, too. I’mtrying to save you from being consumed by your grief. You may not like my form of

grieving, but it is the way for my soul as chosen.” The tears that have been startedto flow began to pour from my eyes like the Niagara Falls. Jon released his grasp on

me, and without looking back ran up the stairs, slamming the door behind him. Mylegs refused to continue supporting me and so I fell to the floor. I cried hysterically,

letting out the screams and sobs that I was trying to suppress. “Help me”, I said. I don’t know who I was talking to, but with all the strength

I could muster together I hoped that someone was listening.

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3. Romeo & Juliet

The rest of the night was a blur. I must have regained what little composure Ihad and made my way up to my room. The next thing I knew my alarm was waking

me up at six o’clock. Once I actually got out of bed I was ok, but it was thetransition from my comfortable bed to my shower that took the most effort. After the

night I had, I wasn’t really in the mood to go to school. What did I have to lookforward to today? Then it occurred to me that any place is better than home right

now. The process it took me to get ready seemed to go on forever sometimes Iasked myself if it was worth it. It’s not like I have anyone to look pretty for. The one

person I care about doesn’t pay that much attention to me.I figured taking a shower and putting some make up on is more of an effort

than some kids at that school make. For some of them, it looks like they just rolledat of bed and came to school. Thinking of that made me move a little faster towards

the shower.When I made it to the bathroom, I turned on my radio to listen to my favorite

morning program. The guys are so funny, and they’re the only ones that seem to beable to make me smile so early in the morning. This morning, I took just a little bit

longer than I usually do because I needed to relax. I don’t like bringing my problemsfrom home to school. School has its own set of problems.

When it came to picking something to wear, it’s as if it’s a life or deathdecision. I’ll stand there for at least ten minutes just picking a shirt. I have tons of

clothes which makes the decision process that much harder. I decided on a quarterlength sleeve black shirt and my favorite pair of jeans. I always wore something

black after me and Jon had a fight. I completed my outfit with a pair of sliver hoops

and my favorite charm bracelet. With a spritz of my perfume from Victoria’s Secret, Igrabbed my purse and keys and headed out the door.

As I made my way through the kitchen I realized I was a little hungry, butwhen I thought about it, I would just stop at Starbucks on my way to school. I

usually don’t eat breakfast because when I ate, I felt guilty about eating. So I justdecided to skip that whole mess. Plus, I was trying to keep my weight under control.I headed for the garage and towards another materialistic perk that my father has

given me. I liked my car very much. I always saw it as my ticket out of here. If Iever felt the impulse of just picking up and leaving, at least I’d have a way to do it.

It didn’t take very long to get to school. Everybody has their own assigned parkingspace. It’s school policy that everyone must have their car decal visible at all times.

I’ll admit that the administration can be a little abrupt, but their intentions are good.There haven’t been too many disturbances in Camden, and they flatter themselves to

think it’s their fine school that helped mold decent human beings. I don’t doubt thatCHRHS isn’t a good school, but I don’t know if it’s the only thing that can take credit

for creating good people. I pulled into my space, turned the car off and got out withmy macho frappicino in hand. I keep all my books in the trunk and fortunately for

me, I didn’t have any homework the night before. I went around to the trunk to getmy American Government book; I was just about to shut the door when I heard a

familiar voice. “Uh oh, you’re wearing black. That means you and Jon had one of your heart

to hearts last night.” I shut my truck, grabbed my coffee from the roof and turnedaround to face Varley. I smiled at her and said, “You know me too well.” Varley knew

better than to ask me what happened. She knew my methods of trying to getthrough to Jon. Being the good friend that she was, she instantly changed the

subject to something that I wouldn’t mind talking about.

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“So have you heard?” She asked me with a hidden amount of excitement inher voice. I didn’t know what she was talking about it and didn’t really care to know,

but I didn’t want to hurt Varley’s feelings. “No, what’s up?” She stood in front of me, just to make sure all of attention

was on her. That was Varley, loved to be the center of attention. “I was walking by the auditorium and on the bulletin board; I noticed that Ms.

Darcy picked the play for the year. Auditions start on Thursday! Isn’t that exciting?” It looked like Varley was about to burst into million pieces.

“That’s great but what does that have to do with me?” The look on her facemade it seem like I had just popped her balloon. I realized I was being just a little

mean, and Varley didn’t deserve that. “What’s the play?” I asked her, being genuinely curious. That illuminating

smile of hers returned and she continued with her story. “Romeo and Juliet. How cool is that?” I was surprised by Ms. Darcy’s choice;

usually she picks more modern plays. The reason Varley told me this, I suspected,was because she knew how much I loved Romeo and Juliet.

“Wow, that’s really surprising. Usually Darcy picks more modern stuff. It’s

about she picked something with some substance.” “I know, right? I knew you’d be thrilled about her choice. This is definitely

your year.” I looked at her confused as if she had just started speaking anotherlanguage.

“What do you mean my year, my year for what?”

“Oh, come on, Ashley. You can’t try to pull off that shy act on me. I’ve knownyou for years and know you a lot better than you think I do. This is your chance to

audition.” I don’t know what came over me but without realizing it, I had droppedeverything I was carrying, including my Starbucks which was still half-way full.

“Oh my, God. Ash, what’s wrong with you? Was the fight that bad?” I lovedVarley as if she were my sister, by sometimes she didn’t think before she spoke. I

took a deep breath, picked up my purse and book, stood up and said, “Varley, Iappreciate you telling me about the play. That’s really cool, but please don’t mention

my brother.” I didn’t want to lose my temper with her. I knew she was only trying to

brighten my day. She nodded her head and before she could say anything else, thebell rang signifying that first period was starting in 7 minutes. Just to show her therewere no hard feelings I said, “I’ll see you during drama.” She smiled at me and

headed to her first class. I did the same, thinking about Romeo and Juliet.First period went by uneventful. The more I learned about how our

government worked, the more I realized why people all over the world hated us,foreign and domestic. The whole time the teacher was talking, my mind was

elsewhere. All I could think about was the upcoming play, and who would be castedin it. I was so busy with my thoughts that I didn’t even hear the teacher call on me

to answer a question. Everybody laughed at my absentmindedness, and if I hadn’tbeen so in depth with what I was thinking, I would have been embarrassed. I just

couldn’t stop thinking about what was to come in just a few short minutes.

I don’t know how was I was going to handle acting today. Now that the

decision of what was going to put on was out of the way, who was going to be pickedto play the desired roles was now occupying my thoughts. I know who’d get to play

Romeo that was a give in. It’s who would get to play Juliet that had me worried. Ihad showed promising potential in class. On more than one occasion Ms. Darcy

encouraged me to try out. My shyness and reserve nature got the best of me. Whatwould I do if I played Juliet and Will was my Romeo? Everyone knows that the star

crossed lovers kiss and the whole county would see us. Will has no idea how I feel.He has a big enough fan club without me tarnishing it. I can’t believe Varley thought

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that I would actually try out. What a crazy thought. The bell brought me out of mycoma. As I walked out of the room, I was met by Hayden and Varley.

“So”, Hayden said nonchalantly, “Varley told me about this year’s school play.” I just kept my eyes forward.

“Yeah, I know. She told me too.” Varley and Hayden looked at each otherblankly and then Hayden continued.

“Well, I figured you’d be jumping for joy about it. This is the ideal opportunityfor you, Ash”. I stopped and turned around to face them.

“Why do you guys keep saying that? This isn’t an opportunity at all. Yes, Ilove Romeo and Juliet, but so do a lot of people. My luck, I’ll be the nurse or some

other small part.” I fell back into place between my best friends and kept walkingtowards the auditorium. Varley is the one that chimed in first.

“Oh come Ash, we all know that you know more about the play than anyone.You know you’ll get a part bigger than the nurse, if you only had the guts to go for

it.” I know these girls want me to be happy but one of the things that make meunhappy is when I am being pressured or hurried into something I’m not ready for. I

had been in love with Will Rafferty for years, but starring beside him in a play? I

wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. Unfortunately for me, both Varley and Haydenwere in my acting class so there was no escaping them. They kept trying to

encourage me to try out, but I just kept telling them to drop the subject. I loved theacting room. It always felt like a second home to me. There were posters on everywall of past performances; everyone looked like they were having so much fun. One

of my hidden wishes that I didn’t tell anyone about was to have my picture up there.I don’t know how it’s like at other high schools, but here the drama department

seemed to be its own little village. It was like one great big family that was bothloving and supportive; both were things I was lacking from my real family.

When I walked into the room there were already a ton of people in therebuzzing about what part they wanted to try out for. This wasn’t a normal class room.

There weren’t any desks, only a lot of chairs. It didn’t matter where you sat, just aslong as you were sitting before Ms. Darcy came in. She was a pretty laid back

person; she just likes to have order in the class.

One of the things I usually did before I sat down was scope out the room for him. Atfirst I didn’t see him. But just like Moses parted the red sea, I saw him. He was onthe other side of the room talking to a few of the other girls in the class. I only

stared at him for second, but it was as if he could feel my eyes on him because helooked right at me. My heart started to beat faster and those all too familiar

butterflies in my stomach came back. I picked the closest chair I could get my handson. If I didn’t sit down, I was sure to fall down and in front of Will. I turned to Varley,

“You guys want me to audition for the play with him when I can hardly handle beingin the same room with the guy without almost fainting.” Varley rolled her eyes at me

and said, “Oh, Ashley you always over exaggerate. Everyone acts that way whenthey’re around the person they’re in love with.” Varley knew she was being rather

loud, and all I had to do is look at her with piercing eyes. Her response to my death

glare was to laugh in my face and turn to the person on her other side and strike up

a conversation. I felt Hayden place a hand on my arm. “Don’t be mad at her. You know we both love you and are trying to do what’s

best for you. We know how much you want this and honestly, I think you’d be perfectfor it.” Hayden was the kinder, gentler of the two girls. I always went to her for

comfort. If I wanted blunt honesty I went to Varley. I turned towards Hayden andsaid, “I know you guys mean well but I don’t think you know what you’re asking of

me. I don’t think I can do it.” Hayden smiled her smile and said, “Then you canborrow some of Varley’s ballsyness.” It was moments like this that I felt blessed to

have Hayden in my life. She always helped me calm down and give me a boost of

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confidence. What are friends for indeed. Everyone else took their seats quicklybecause Ms. Darcy was on her way in.

“Ok, children let’s get down to business.” Everyone started to quiet downbecause they knew what she was going to say.

“As you all may know, I have decided on the play for the year. What you alsomay have heard, is that auditions officially start tomorrow. However, being as there

are many promising actors in this class, I have decided to do something I have neverdone in my history at this school.” All the small chatter that had been going was now

silenced. Everyone was tuned into what the teacher was about to say. “I have decided to hold a private audition just for the students in this class.”

An out roar of screams broke out in the class. I’m not sure who was sitting behindme, but she had a good set of lungs on her. I temporarily lost hearing in my right

ear. Once everyone, particularly all the girls regained their composure, Ms. Darcycontinued.

“Now, what I’d like to start with is all the gentlemen who would like to try outfor Tybalt, Mercutio and Romeo to grab a script and head upstairs to the auditorium.”

Pretty much every guy in the class shot up and ran over to grab a copy of the script.

“Now those who would like to try out for the lady leading roles, such as themothers of Romeo and Juliet, the nurse and Juliet herself, should grab a script as

well and come upstairs. Once the guys have finished, I want to jump right in with theyoung ladies. Now I want to make sure everyone understands that just because I’mholding this private audition, doesn’t mean that all of you will be casted. Now for

those of you have no desire to try out, please grab a copy of the play and startreading it. It’s part of the class, and you will need to have a general knowledge for

the play. Ok, children, let’s get to work”.Everyone jumped out of their chairs, grabbed a copy of the script, and headed

up to the stage. The trial of guys went by relatively quick. There was this guy namedJosh, who hardly speaks to anyone. He tried out for Mercutio. Everyone was amazed

by how well he had done. It was as if he transformed into another person when hegot on stage. In my personal opinion, Josh was made to play that part. Ever since I

found out that this was the play. Ms. Darcy had chosen, I knew who was going to

play the part of Romeo. The whole school knew who would get to play Romeo.Now, I know Will is easy on the eyes, but he is genuinely a good actor. Thatsimply adds to the appeal. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. It was as if I was

under some spell and even if I wanted to look away I couldn’t. Ms. Darcy had himread an excerpt from the balcony scene, and he did it effortlessly. I allowed myself to

believe that he was saying those beautiful words to me. It seemed as if every girlwas thinking the same thought, and I felt that unfamiliar twinge of jealousy. Then

Ms. Darcy hopped on stage and turned to the class sitting in the house. “Ok, now we’ll be doing the girls. All of you who are wanting to try out for any

of the female roles please grab your script and come on stage. Please form someform of order, so you all know who goes when.”

Both Hayden and Varley got up right away, but when I stood to join them,

their jaws hit the ground. They were still in amazement when I followed them up the

stairs. That’s when I made my move. Instead of getting in line behind them, Iheaded for the restroom. I couldn’t hide my laugh. The last thing they heard before I

shut the door was me laughing. Now I know laughing at my friends’ misjudgmentwasn’t very nice of me, but I honestly couldn’t help myself.

I decided when I walked out of the restroom that I would do what I could tomake the peace. I wasn’t paying attention to anyone around me; honestly I thought

that the auditions would be over. Boy was I wrong. Before I reached the stairs, I felttwo pairs of arms grab me and pull me back.

10



“Looks like we’ll be getting the last laugh.” I turned to stare at Varley in theface. Nothing was funny anymore.

“Look I’m sorry for laughing at you guys, but it was your mistake. Youassumed I was going to audition when I was just going to the bathroom.” Before

Varley could say something dripping with sarcasm, Hayden interjected. “You’re right, we jumped to the wrong conclusion but we have decided on a

way for you to truly prove that you’re sorry.” I was starting to get scared. Before Ihad a chance to stop her, Varley sealed my fate.

“Excuse me Ms. Darcy? Ashley is ready for her audition”. I turned around tostare at Varley with giant bug eyes.

“What are you doing?!” Varley just smiled at me and said, “Getting even”. Ms.Darcy piped in.

“Well Ashley, I must say, this is a surprise. What role will you be auditioningfor?”

“Well, I….”, before I had a chance I was cut off. “She wants try out for Juliet, Ms. Darcy.”

“This is something I wasn’t planning on but so happy I get to see. Well, Ms.

Grey, the stage is yours. Will, would you mind standing in as Romeo and doing adialog with Ashley?” Before I could say anything, I heard the most beautiful voice.

“Sure, Darcy”. This was not happening. Not only was I auditioning for a part Ididn’t want but I was also being forced to audition with the man of my dreams.

“Ok, Will, take it from the line, “Shall I hear more or should I speak at this?” I

couldn’t believe that I was standing just a few inches from Will. I had alwaysdreamed about this moment, and it was finally here. I was beginning to

hyperventilate. I looked over at my so-called friends for some support but all I gotwere four thumbs up. I wasn’t sure I could do this but what else could I do?

Everyone was watching me, including Will. I had to play along. I had to give it mybest shot. The girls were right.

I had been waiting for the right play to come along and here it is. The nextthing I knew, I was staring at Will and saying: “‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy:

Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What’s Montague? It is nor hand nor food

nor arm nor face nor any other part belonging to a man. O be some other name.What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell assweet; So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d, retain that dear perfection which

he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, and for thy name, which is no partof thee, take all myself” During that moment, it felt like I was having an out of body

experience. It felt like I was watching someone else recite those compelling words.Suddenly, I woke up as if from a dream. I stared at the eyes that had captured me

and then out at the audience. I had totally forgotten that they were there. I didn’thear applause or booing so I assumed that my performance hadn’t been too awful.

Just like an oncoming train, clapping started happening. They couldn’t possibly beapplauding for me. All I could muster was a weak smile as I made my way to the

wings and to my two best friends who seemed to be bursting at the seems.

“Oh, my god Ashley! You were absolutely amazing!” Varley was the one who

popped first. Hayden put her hand on my shoulder and said, “You really were great. Iknew you could do it” I was still trying to catch my breath as the three of us headed

down the stairs and back to our seats. When we all sat down, I leaned towardsVarley and whispered in her ear, “I’ll never forgive you for this” I looked over to see

what sort of reaction she was giving me, and when I did, all I saw was a smirk.

11



4. Head-On Collision

The rest of the day went by pretty quickly. I was on cloud 9 the whole time.When the final bell rang to let everyone out for the day, I headed to my car with a

little pep in my step. Of course, my two best friends were overjoyed. “This has been the best day of my life.” Varley said as she kept bouncing

beside me. “Why is it your best day? You didn’t give the audition Ashley did”. I justsmiled as I fumbled around in my purse for my keys. Varley calmed down a little bit,

leaned against my car and said, “I know but I can still be happy about it. She didbetter than everyone else. In my opinion, I don’t think Ms. Darcy should even let

anyone else audition for Juliet. Hey! I got a great idea, let’s all go to Mika’s for acelebratory shake?” I wasn’t too crazy about going to the diner, especially to get a

milkshake, but I knew if I denied them, I’d hear about it later. “Sure. Let’s go to Mika’s”, I said. Today was full of surprises. We all drove

our own cars because we each had something to do afterwards. Hayden had herdance class, and Varley volunteered at the nursing home. I didn’t want to get too

excited over the events of today. I mean, nothing was certain. After all, I never didhear what Ms. Darcy thought about what I had done. The only opinions I had heard

with Hayden’s and Varley’s, and of course they’d think I did well. What sort of friendswould they be if they weren’t supportive?

I was the last to arrive at Mika’s. I always liked Mika’s Diner. It had thatpersonal feel to it; everyone only had good things to say about the place. All I really

knew about the owner was that I went to school with his son, Pavel, and that heworked in the diner after school to help out his dad. Pavel had always been a nice

guy, although he hardly ever spoke to me, which I thought was weird because he

was really into stagecraft at school. Since I was in the drama club and was involvedwith all the school plays, I’d figured I see more of him because stagecraft and drama

were always together. We’ve talked a few times, but they’ve always been short andquick conversations. I wondered if Pavel would be here yet, as I grabbed my bag and

got out of the car. I locked my doors and went inside the diner.My best friends had already snagged a table and were waving me over. I

noticed that Pavel was working already because he was casually talking to Varley

about what she’d like to drink. Trying not to be too disruptive, I slid in besideHayden. When I first heard that Pavel was from Poland, I was worried that he didn’t

know much English. But when he asked my where the science building was one day,I knew I had nothing to worry about.

“I’ll have a strawberry shake,” Varley said. “No problem. What can I get for you ladies?” I noticed how his eyes stayed

focused on Hayden, although he was speaking to both of us. I knew that it wasprobably nothing and that I was just overreacting as always, but I just couldn’t help

but wonder why he wasn’t making eye contact with me. Was there something wrongwith me? Hayden spoke up, “I’ll take a Vanilla milkshake. Thank you” Then finally, he

looked at me. I smiled at him although all I got in return was a small crooked smile. “I’ll take a chocolate milkshake. Thanks”. He jotted down my order and

then disappeared. Varley noticed the shift in my attitude and jumped all over it. “What’s wrong with you? This is supposed to be a celebration.” I leaned

back against the seat, crossed my arms and shrugged my shoulder. “Am I hideous?” Neither girl was ready for my question which is why it

took them a second to answer. Hayden looked at me strangely and said, “No of course not. What would make you say something like that?”

12



Pavel,” I said under my breath. Varley looked behind her towards thekitchen where Pavel was taking an elderly couples coffee order.

“You mean the waiter? How do you know what his name is?” “One because he’s wearing a name tag, you doofus. Two he’s in

stagecraft, and I’ve seen him a few times. He barely looked at me, the whole time hewas over here.” Hayden with her soft voice answered, “I don’t think he did that on

purpose. You’re reading too much into it” “For someone you don’t talk to very much, you seem to know a lot

about him” Varley said it with her mischievous voice. I knew what she was thinkingand as always, she was wrong. I didn’t know anymore about him than anyone else in

drama knew about him.I was going to keep bashing him, but then he brought our milkshakes

out and once again, didn’t make eye contact with me. As he placed the dessertdrinks in front of each of us, I eyed Varley across the table trying to tell her that

Pavel was doing it again. Her response was to roll her eyes at me. I didn’t reallytouch my milkshake.

The only reason why I came was so my friends wouldn’t whine about

me never going anywhere with them. We were there for a good forty-five minutes,and all we really talked about was the play. They talked about what parts they

thought they’d get. Of course, they didn’t mention Juliet because both girls felt thatJuliet was my part. I couldn’t help but feel that both Hayden and especially Varleywere celebrating a little too early.

“Some celebration this turned out to be. The main purpose for it issitting there sulking” Varley said sadly. I jumped at my own defense, “ok I don’t

think celebrating is wrong, but all I’m saying is that it’s wrong to assume that I gotthe part. To be honest, I really don’t want it. I never intended on auditioning in the

first place. You guys made me” “Ok, I know you don’t like to be unsure but you did an amazing job.

Everyone in that auditorium was whispering about it. They all agree, no one couldhave done a better. The reason we did what we did was because we knew that you

would have sat there in that auditorium and let this golden opportunity pass you by.

So, we made your mind up for you”. Of course, Hayden the peacekeeper interjected. “Ok, in Ashley’s defense, she didn’t ask us to help her. We did sort of force her to audition. We know how much she likes Will and putting her on the spot

like that, wasn’t the best idea we’ve ever had” I looked over at my calm mindedfriend and said, “Thank you, Hayden”.

“That being said, I do agree Varley in the aspect of you a not jumpingat ideal opportunities”. It was my turn for my jaw to hit the floor, right next to the

dust and straw wrapper. “What? You’re supposed to be the mediator here. There is no reason

for you to side with her”. Varley gave me a look that made me think she was going to jump across the table and choke me, and Hayden had this look like she was my

mother who knew I had just made a mistake.

“Ashley, I know you don’t like us to mention it so I’m not going to,

but we both understand why you are a little more reserved than you use to be. Noone blames you for that at all, but your life is not over. You have so much more to

give and it would be a crime against humanity if you didn’t share it” When I woke up this morning, I thought that I had done all my crying

for the week. I was wrong. I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. The lastthing I wanted to do was cry in front of my friends, although they have seen me cry

many times. Usually, I wanted one of them to grab me and hug tight, but not thistime.

13



I shot out of the booth like a bullet from a gun. I was so wrapped inmy thoughts I didn’t watch where I was walking. I ran right into Pavel who, by the

way was carrying a whole tray of food. The last thing I remembered was hearing aloud crash which must have been the glass and my head hitting the ground. At first,

when I attempted to open my eyes, all I saw were about five little dark blurs. Then, Iwaited a few minutes and tried again. This time, I heard some voices, some familiar

and some not. I heard Varley say, “I think she’s trying to open her eyes. Ashley canyou hear me?”

“She’s got quite a bump on her head, and that cut on the side of her will probably swell. She was certainly in hurry to get out of here. Either one of

you know why?” I couldn’t identify the voice, but it sounded strangely familiar. As if Ithis wasn’t the first time I had heard it.

“We were talking about something that Ashley doesn’t really care totalk about. We took it a bit far, and Ashley didn’t want to hear it.” I’d know that calm

voice anywhere. Then, the fourth voice I couldn’t place. It was definitely a guy, andhe sounded upset.

“I’m so sorry. I should have been watching where I was going. I

didn’t even see her coming” “It’s not your fault Pavel. She was moving so fast it’s understandable that you didn’t

see her until it was too late” You had to hand it to Hayden. She was so comforting toeveryone. I attempted to open my eyes again, and this time I accomplished mymission. I finally made out the dark blurs. On my right side was Varley with tears

streaming down her face. My head was laying on Hayden’s lap, and she was wipingwhat I assumed was either blood or food from my face. On my left, kneeling beside

me was Pavel looking just as bad I knew I did. “I’m so sorry Ashley. I should have been more careful” I gave a weak

smile and looked at him, “Like Hayden said, it’s not your fault. I was moving too fastfor you to see me until it was too late. Quit beating yourself up” It was the individual

who was by my feet that made me wake up completely. I sat up a little too quicklyand when I wobbled, it was he who caught my arms.

“Careful. You shouldn’t move so fast. You took quite a blow to the

head” William Rafferty said to me. Now it wasn’t only my head that hurt my ego washurting, too. Will must have been just coming into the diner when I was trying tomake my hasty exit. Now, all I was worried about was the embarrassment I felt, not

the gash on the side of my head.Everyone insisted that I go to the hospital to be checked out, but I

swore I didn’t need it. They didn’t really believe me, and so Pavel’s dad called theparamedics. The paramedic said that I suffered a minor concussion, and it would

take about 5 stitches to close the gash on the side of my head. He also mentionedthat I’d probably have a nice shiner by morning.

“Great”, I thought to myself. “That was just what I needed to hear.” The paramedics stitched me up in the ambulance that was parked outside and gave

me a prescription for medicine that would help with the concussion. It seemed to

take forever, but eventually I got back home. Both the girls insisted on staying the

night just to make sure I was alright. They knew what my home life was like anddidn’t want anyone not to be there in case I needed something. I knew they meant

well, but I insisted that I wanted to be by myself tonight. I must have sworn a milliontimes that I’d call them if I needed anything. I told the girls to pass along to my

teachers that I probably wouldn’t be in to school the next day due to a minoraccident. All four of them followed the paramedics to my house. Pavel offered to

drive my car over to the house and to pick up my medicine. I guess he still feltguilty, although all of us continued to tell him that nothing was his fault. If anything,

it was mine.

14



The girls and the paramedics helped me upstairs to my bedroomwhile the guys waited outside by the cars. Varley brought me the medicine Pavel had

picked up and a nice cold glass of water while Hayden made me an ice pack. It wastimes like this that I was thankful to have more than one friend. After a million more

times of promising that I’d call them if I needed anything, the girls trailed downstairsand out the door to meet the guys. It never occurred to me if anyone was home.

Usually Mom was too drunk to realize, but when the paramedics asked if my parentswould be back soon, I realized no one was here but me. The paramedics were

explaining to me about the medicine I was suppose to take when my door burst openand there stood my loving brother. He looked rough, rougher than I did and as far as

I knew I was the only who had been hurt today. Jon’s eyes must have dartedbetween me and the paramedics a dozen times before they settled on me. I assumed

he was waiting for me to say something, and so all I said was, “I was just beingclumsy. Nothing you need to concern yourself over. You can go back to your cave.”

He knew I hadn’t forgotten about the night before. The paramedic looked awkwardas he asked, “I assume you know this young man?” I folded my arms across my

chest “Yeah, I know him.” I could tell that Jon was starting to get annoyed with me,

and I must admit, I was really enjoying it. Him being annoyed instead of me was anice change. He took a few steps closer to me, and the look on as his face was

priceless. He looked like he was about to kill me. “I’m her brother.” So the paramedics were there for a few more

minutes and then left, still wondering if Jon really was my brother or some

psychopath that looked like me, who was just trying to steal my medication. Once weheard the front door slam shut, we assumed we were alone. Then he was the one

that started the yelling. “What the hell was that?” I decided to play the naïve card just a

moment longer. “What?” I said casually. Jon was at the foot of my bed, looking

angrier by the minute. “You know what. I come home and I see an ambulance in the

driveway. You have no idea what horrible thoughts passed through my mind. Then I

come in here, and you act as if everything is fine. How dare you do this to me!” Iwasn’t in the mood to fight with him. I had had a rough day, and I thought that ourfighting for the week had been done the night before. I sat up quickly, and it sort of

made my head spin. “How dare I do what? Jesus, Jon, I didn’t hire the ambulance to come

over here and give you a heart attack. I had an accident. Something that isn’tplanned but happens anyway, the definition of an accident. Since when did you start

caring about what happens to me? You’re so wrapped in your own world I’msurprised you even saw the goddamn ambulance!”

I thought last night was bad, but, boy what was going on right nowput that argument to shame. I couldn’t keep my anger under control. It was

moments like this that brought out the worst in me. Jon had been quiet and reserved

for so long, I had forgotten what his voice sounded like when he was yelling.

“Look, just because I’m having a hard time dealing with someunpleasant events, doesn’t mean that gives you the right torture me so shamefully.

Yes, things are shitty right now and I’m not making it much better, but that doesn’tmean I’m made of stone.” Not only was I angry at Jon for starting World War III at

the most inopportune, but I could feel the tears coming on. “I’m sorry for worrying you. Believe me; running into a tray full of

dishes wasn’t on my list of things to do today. Now I’m exhausted, my head is killingme, and I can’t wait until I see the shiner I’m going to have in the morning. All I

want to do is take a hot shower and pass out.” With that being said, I got out of bed,

15



slowly and slowly maneuvered Jon towards the door. He turned in the walkway toface me and said,

“If it’s any consolation, I’m sorry for bursting in here and acting like adick. I’m glad that you’re ok and perhaps my timing for this brawl wasn’t the best.

Try to get some sleep.” I shut the door on Jon’s face. I couldn’t look at it anymore.

16



5. Captain Morgan

The rest of the night was a blur. As the night went on, the worse I felt. My head

was pounding, and the stitches on the side of my head burned.So my night consisted of watching old movies on television, and alternating the

ice packs. The only comfort I got was from knowing that I wouldn’t be going to school

the next day, and that I could spend the day relaxing.When the sun greeted me, letting me know that it was morning, I wasn’t thrilled

about looking in the mirror. All I could think was what the paramedic had told me

yesterday. I was really sore, I wasn’t really surprised. It took me longer to make it to the

bathroom than usual, as if this was the first time I was using my legs. Slowly, but surely Imade it to the bathroom. I put one hand on each side of the sink, and slowly lifted my

head until I was staring at my altered reflection.

When I woke up this morning, I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, so Iwouldn’t be so surprised when I looked in the mirror. Despite the preparation, I was still

stunned. If a person were to see me on the street, they’d think that I was in some sort of

abusive relationship, or I was in some catastrophic accident. My whole right eye was anice shade of purple. I never had tried to wear purple eye shadow because I was afraid of

what it’d look like. Now I know. I turned my head to the right to get a better look at the

stitches on the side of my face. The stitches themselves weren’t the part that I noticed.The stitches were small and black; it was the area surrounding the stitches that stuck out.

It was a soft shade of pink, which as it got closer to my eye turned purple.

Up until now, I had never needed stitches or broke any bones. Even as a kid, I was

overly cautious. Sometimes it felt like I had missed some part of being a normal child.Just like any other kid, I had the scratches and bruises, but nothing this bad. The stitches

and black eyes made a nice combination on my face.

I’ll admit, despite how crappy I was feeling presently, knowing that I didn’t haveto go to school brought me some comfort. After attempting to clean myself up, I wobbled

back to my bed. I didn’t feel like doing much, my body felt like it had been hit by a train.

I reached as far as my body would allow, and grabbed the remote for my stereo. I wantedto use this time to relax. So much has happened this year and I feel like this is the perfect

chance to unwind. I let the light, whimsical sounds of the classical music surround me, as

if it was a security blanket. I thought about what had happened yesterday.

I thought about drama and the unexpected events that took place. I was stillshocked that I actually auditioned for the play. I always dreamed about doing it, but never

had enough confidence in myself to believe I would actually do it. Thanks to my friends,

I did, and despite the aches I felt, knowing that I accomplished something I had always

wanted made me feel better. Now I was worried about what would happen if I got the part. That would mean, I would get the chance to live out another dream of mine. I would

get to kiss Will Rafferty. Thinking of that, made a surge of excitement run through me. Ilet my mind wonder to wherever it wanted to go.

The next thought that presented itself, was the unforgettable moments that

happened at Mika’s. I know that I can be a little clumsy, but for me to walk right intoPavel, and the plate of food was a new one even for me. I remember how embarrassed I

felt. It was having everyone in the diner surrounding me, as if someone had left the

17



Crown Jewels on the floor that made it uncomfortable. It’s so funny how life works

sometimes. We don’t understand how literally, your life can change from one second to

the next. I know this town is small, but of all the people to walk into that diner at the precise moment I was trying to make my hasty exit, I would never have guessed Will.

How funny is that? As I thought about it, I couldn’t help but laugh. How funny life can be

at times.I spent the rest of the morning just laying around. I didn’t feel like doing too

much, understandably. I got the occasional text from Varley, asking me how I was feeling

and if I had a black eye. Just when I was about to drift off to sleep, I received another textfrom her.

Varley: I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but I found out

something that I thought you’d like to know.

Me: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Varley: I heard something in Drama today.

Me: What?

Varley: Well, I overheard Darcy talking to the choir teacher about the play. I heard

Darcy mention you and your audition yesterday. She thought you were the best

she’s ever seen.

Me: That’s a surprise. I was just thinking about that.

Varley: Yeah, I told you everyone liked what you did.

Me: Wow that does make me feel a little better.

Varley: I know I’ve asked you a million times today, but how are you feeling?

Me: Tired, sore and depressed. I wanted to try and prepare myself for how I might

have looked this morning. I’m just as bad as I thought. This is all thing is doing

wonders for my self-esteem.

Varley: I’m sure it’s not that bad. I wanted to come by and see you, but I have to

make up a test I missed, and then I have dance.

Me: It’s ok, I’ll live.

Varley: I’m sorry; I promise I’ll text you later.

Me: Ok, talk to you later.

Sometimes, it felt like Varley texted me just because she could. I’m a little irritatedthat at the same moment when I was almost asleep, that’s when Varley decided to

see how I was. I looked to see what time it was, and found out that it was 12:30. Atthis time, this was lunch at school. Usually all I got at school was just a bottle of

water. If I was feeling generous with myself, I got a juice or diet Pepsi. I just hatedthe idea of having the eyes of everyone in the cafeteria on me, as if I was

slaughtering a pig on the table. Having that sort of attention, is not something I

18



want, but then my mind wandered to the play and what would happen if by somemiracle I got the role. The circumstances of people staring at me would be different,

but people would still be staring. They would all be depending on me to give somebreathtaking performance, and honestly I’m not sure if I have it in me to give it.

I didn’t know why I was thinking about these things. Who knew what wasgoing to happen. Maybe some unknown person could stroll into that theater and give

an audition that would put mine to shame. That strange twinge of jealously I feltwhen Will was giving his audition, and it seemed like all the girls’ eyes were on him,

came back to me. As if Juliet was my part and no one else should play it. It was mypart and I had to play it. Where on earth did this assertiveness come from? I kind of

liked it.I slowly sat up in my bed. I took a look around my room and realized that I

have spent a good portion of the morning in the same area. I was wondering what Icould do that might be a better use of my time. I thought maybe I could saunter

over to my lovely, immense bookcase and pick out something to read, but I didn’tfeel like reading. I could mess around on my laptop, that little machine is like it has

its own little world that so many people have lost themselves in. I went to my

window, just aimlessly thinking, then my stomach started to growl. I was familiarwith that feeling but no matter how often I felt it, the first few seconds were so hard

to bear. I thought about kids starving in Africa, feeling what I feel everyday forweeks at a time. I didn’t know much, but I do know that I’m not strong enough tohandle that. I sort of felt compelled to send them all the soup that has been

accumulating in our cupboard. I didn’t know if anyone was home, so I figured if Iwas going to eat something, now would be the ideal time.

While still in my pajama pants and tank top, I left my “safe haven”, andmade the tireless journey to the kitchen. Checking my parents’ bedroom has become

second nature to me, just like brushing my teeth in the morning or getting dressed. Ipoked my head into their room, but to my surprise I didn’t hear my mother, the

silence in their dark room made me wonder where she was. My stomach growled atme again, which reminded me of the reason why I left my room. Believing that I had

the entire house to myself was a weird feeling. I was pretty much alone anyway

because I never saw my dad, my mother never left her room and if she did it wasonly did to refill her empty glass and Jon was in his dismal cave in the basement. Icould probably throw a party and no one would notice. I was so tempted to do it,

just to see if anyone would try and stop me. I rounded the corner that lead to thekitchen, when I got into the kitchen, I saw her.

There my mother stood or what some people would consider standing. WhatI saw as I entered the room, was my mother hutched over the countertop with her

head in hands. At first, she didn’t see me. I thought about slowly making my wayback to my room but it only took one step for her to look up at me.

“What happened to you?” she asked as if I did the damage to myself. “I had an accident yesterday. Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

I knew that she wasn’t really worried, not even curious to know what happened to

me. Just once I’d love to for her to look at me like she use to. I think for her to

actually care about what happens to me, would be impossible for her. If she did, Ithink I’d die of shock. She let out a small groan, stood up and said to me with this

smug look on her face, “you look like hell.” I know that my mom was drunk off her ass, but I didn’t see her drunken

stupor as an excuse for her to talk to me that way. I wasn’t in the mood to fight witha drunken woman in the early afternoon.

“This might be news to you mom, but you’re not looking too hot either. It’sonly a little after 12 and you’re already starting happy hour?”

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I could tell that my mom wasn’t up to having a fight with me because unlike her, Iwasn’t hung over.

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you suppose to be in school right now?” she asked me, as if me being in my own kitchen was some heinous crime.

“In case you didn’t catch the first few minutes of this conversation, I had anaccident yesterday and silly me; I thought that excused me from going to school.

Forgive me for interrupting you and Captain Morgan.” When it came to my mom and her alcohol, she didn’t tolerate people talking bad

about her. What did she expect? What do people do when it came to alcoholics if itwasn’t to make fun of them?

“Don’t talk to me like that. You know I’m sick.” “You’re not sick, you’re drunk, mom. You’re drunk like you’ve been for the

past year. Ever since Spencer died, it’s all you’ve been doing.” Mom didn’t appreciate me bringing up her dead son, she didn’t like it all. I had

forgotten what my mother looked like when she was really angry, as I stood therelooking at her, it all came rushing back to me. As the seconds passed, the angrier

she got. I turned to go, but as I did she threw her empty Captain Morgan bottle at

me. It made such an ear piercing sound as it shattered all over the place. Fortunatelyfor me, her being drunk, altered her perception and she missed. A few pieces hit me,

but it didn’t scratch me. I turned back to look at my mother, but the woman I sawlooked nothing like my mom.

“Don’t you dare say his name. You have no idea what it feels like to lose a

child.” “Well you need to straighten up before you lose anymore.” I was done

fighting with her. I needed to leave the room before anymore hurtful things weresaid. Again, I turned around to go back to my room but once again my mom did

something that prevented that. “I sure hope you weren’t coming to the kitchen to get something to eat.

You’re looking a little filled out there.” That was the breaking point for me. I was going to take one more second of her

abuse. I don’t care how drunk she is. What she said really hurt me, but I wasn’t

about to cry in front of her. I bolted from the room before she could say anythingelse to me. I ran up the stairs to my room. I didn’t think mom would follow me seeas she could hardly stand, let alone do a fast pace walk but she did. I turned around

and could see her following me. “Leave me alone mom. I don’t want to get into this with you right now. I’ve

got somewhere I’ve go to be.” I was half way up the stairs when I turned and saw my unstable mother

grab the banister at the bottom of the stairs. “You’re just like your father. You run away when things get ugly.”

I couldn’t believe that she was say this to me. If anything, I was the onlyperson in this house that wasn’t afraid to deal with confrontation. The only reason

why I left was 1) my mother decided to throw a glass bottle at me and 2) she pretty

much called me fat. Only someone stupid would stand there and take that sort of

abuse. I’ve dealt with this crap for too long to stand there and take it. “You threw a glass bottle at me! Why in the hell would I continue to stand

there? So you could do it again? Then on top of that, you insult me. I’m not going tolisten to you.”

I went to my room grabbed my purse and threw on some clothes. I didn’tcare what I wore; all I was focusing on was get the hell out of the house. I grabbed

an old grey turtleneck and a pair of jeans. I slammed my feet into my Ugg Boots,grabbed my purse and keys off of my dresser and left the room. I didn’t even look to

see where mother was, I just snagged my coat off the coat rack and ran out the

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door. I could have gone through the garage, but that would mean I’d have to riskseeing my mother and I had seen enough of her today. I was fighting to keep the

tears down, but once the front door slammed shut, one snuck through.

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6. Pavel’s Secret Spot

Just being outside, smelling the cold, crisp air alleviated my stress a notch. Iturned to look towards the door and the anger started to come back. I had to get out

of here and quick. With keys in hand, I rushed to my car. It was my ticket out of thishell hole.

Once again, I wasn’t watching where I was going, and ran right into Pavelwho was waiting by my car that was in the garage. I wasn’t expecting him to be

there and that’s why I felt horrible when I saw that he was carrying a now messybouquet of wild flowers.

“Oh my God, I really need to start watching where I’m walking. Geez, PavelI’m so sorry.”

Pavel looked heartbroken that his sweet gesture looked like a mess. He managed towork up a small smile.

“It’s ok. I need to start wearing a bell or something. Just so people know I’maround.”

I could tell he was bummed about the flowers but since I wasn’t in the best mood, Iwasn’t sure I was the best person to try and cheer him up.

“Oh don’t say that. It was all my fault; I need to start wearing an alarm or

something. I’m going to seriously hurt someone.” I guess without saying the words, both of us agreed that we were jinxes. He

reluctantly handed the bouquet of flowers to me and took them with a weak smile. “Thank you for the flowers. They’re beautiful. I’m sorry for running into

you.”

“You’re welcome. I wanted to come by and see how you were feeling. I getthe feeling that you’re not doing too well.”

I rolled my eyes, took a deep sigh and looked back at him. “You’re right. I just had a minor tiff with my mom and I have to get out of

here.”

I didn’t know Pavel all that well, so the last thing I wanted to do was unload all of problems on him. I could feel like I was on the brink of a melt down which was beingaccompanied by gallons and gallons of tears. I don’t know how it’s possible, but

Pavel seemed to sense my urgency to get of here and thought of something thatmight help.

“Well, if you’d like, I could show you where I go when things get to be toomuch?”

I was a little hesitant, where would he take me. He might be trying to get me alonefor some weird reason. Then it occurred to me, it was the middle of the day,

shouldn’t Pavel be in school? “How did you get away from school? Wouldn’t you get in trouble for

skipping?” He leaned in close to me and said, “shhhhh, that’s my little secret.” I didn’t know

how it was possible, but having Pavel around was starting to make me feel better.If I went wherever this spot was, it’d be me being spontaneous. That’s something

people seemed to think, I was incapable of being. I smiled at him and said, “Let’sgo.” I looked around for his car, when I saw that he didn’t have one. He drove a

scooter. I thought about how cold he must be driving that in this weather. Since

Pavel was nice enough to check on me and bring me flowers, the least I could do islet him use my car. It had heat. I chucked him my keys and started casually walking

towards my car. I could tell that he thought that I was trying to be funny but I was

22



actually being serious. I didn’t know where he this place of his was and I didn’t feellike freezing to death.

“You’re going to let me drive your car?” “Why not? I don’t know where your special spot is and a perk for you is my

car has heat.” Pavel still looked apprehensive but once I was in the car with my seat belt on, he

finally got the message. I could tell he was nervous. It took him a few minutes to getthe key in the ignition. I let out a small giggle, which seemed to help Pavel relax a

little. Our driveway is usually difficult for those who don’t have to deal with it on adaily basis but Pavel didn’t seem to have any trouble. Once we were out of the drive

way and on the street, I turned on the heater and I saw how happy he was that wetook my car.

“So can I assume by the smile on your face that you’re happy we took thecar?”

“I’m thankful to have heat. My scooter’s heater is broken.” Pavel was making a joke and we were both laughing at it. I couldn’t remember the

last time I laughed like that. The more time I spent with Pavel, the more I liked him.

“Oh, thank you for that. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. It feltgood.”

“I’m happy I could help.” The rest of the ride was pleasant. I turned on the radio and tried to get Pavel to singBritney Spears, but all he did was smile at my attempt. I noticed that we were

heading towards the bay, but I was still confused about where his special spot was.He parked the car and we got out. I looked around and thought that this was the

spot that was supposed to make forget my problems. Pavel saw the look on my faceand came over to me and handed me back my keys.

“This isn’t it. Come on.” I followed him, as he made his way down onto the dock, towards a little row boat.

“Where are we going?” He smiled and pointed straight ahead. Now, I could see where he was taking me. I

had never been there before but occasionally saw it. In the bay, there was a little

island. Nobody really went out there, and I couldn’t think of why. Pavel got into theboat and then reached out his hand to help me in. I was a little worried that hewouldn’t be able to help me, but the minute he had a hold of my hand, I could tell he

was in complete control. I stepped off the dock with my left foot, and slowly placed itinto the tiny boat. Pavel had a good grip on my hand, so if I went down he’d go down

too. I brought down my other foot and slowly lowered myself onto the hunk of woodthat was supposed to be a seat. It seemed like it was getting colder by the minute. I

took out the beanie I kept in my coat pocket and put it on. Pavel unhooked us fromthe dock and took his rightful place as the captain of this tiny vessel. I couldn’t help

but let out a small giggle. I looked over at Pavel, who was smiling back at me. Inthat moment, I noticed how handsome he was. Not necessarily hot, but a certain

aura that guys nowadays didn’t have. He was a down-to-earth good guy. How many

of those are left? I hadn’t done much rowing in my life, but I have heard that it’s

harder than people can make it look. Pavel was one of those people. He rowed theboat as if he did it everyday.

We pretty much made small talk as Pavel rowed us to his secret spot. Muchto my surprise, it didn’t take us very long. Stopping was a little but it wasn’t

anything I couldn’t handle. Pavel get out first, pulled the boat onto the gravel andtied it off on a nearby post. I stood up slowly; I always knew that I’d never be a

sailor. I tried to be as careful as possible, watching where I stepped and taking mytime. I was almost completely out of the boat, when my boot got stuck on something

and caused me to trip. The rest of my body fell over the tiny boat. I could feel the

23



scratches and burns already, but Pavel caught me before I hit the ground. Neitherone of us was expecting my clumsiness to follow us here, which would explain why

as he caught he misplaced his footing and fell with me in his arms. We hit the cold,hard ground with a loud grunt. How strangely at home I felt in his arms. I looked up

at his face and saw something that captured me. He wasn’t worried about our fall orif he had gotten any cuts. All he seemed to be focusing on was me. No one had ever

looked at like the way he was looking at me now.We would have stayed like forever, it seemed like, but a flock of seagulls

flew overheard squawking away and that woke me up from the coma I was in. Istood up fast, hoping that this awkward feeling would pass quickly. I offered my

hand to him and he graciously took it. “I hope I didn’t hurt you when I fell on you. These freak accidents seem to

follow me everywhere.” Pavel was brushing himself off, not really paying attention to what I was saying. I

took a few steps and stood at the edge looking at the amazing view. I saw this towneveryday, but not from this perspective. I was beginning to doubt this whole

endeavor. I had obviously ruined Pavel’s effort to being a decent friend. I was so lost

in my own thoughts, that I didn’t even hear him walk up behind me. “Beautiful isn’t it?”

I turned to face him and saw the same angelic face I saw just a few moments ago. “Yeah, it really is. I look at this town everyday and yet I’ve never seen it

from this point of view. This is really something.”

“Come on, it’s just around this corner.” I let him lead. Just being on this island and seeing the sun shine over the

town was enough for me. I learned something about Pavel today, he was full of surprises. I didn’t say a word, I just let him lead me to wherever he intended on

going. We came around the corner and I saw this quant little, white wooden swing. Ihonestly didn’t think that there was anything that could be added to make this island

more special, again I was wrong. This little swing set was the perfect touch. I took itupon myself to try it out.

“This is such a nice spot. Thank you for bringing me here.”

“Yeah, I thought this would be a nice for you. Hope my swing isn’t too hard.” I looked at him in surprise. I had heard that he was crafty, but I didn’t realize towhat extent.

“You made this? Wow, you really know your stuff.” I wasn’t sure if he was just going to stand there, while we had a conversation. Pavel

must have sensed that I was getting uncomfortable him standing there across fromme. He slowly walked around the swing and slowly sat down beside me. At first, it

was a little strange. Both of us just sat there swinging, as the cold breezesurrounded us. I had never been one for awkward silence.

“Look, if I made you feel awkward before, I’m sorry. I’m just a clumsyperson. These weird accidents seem to follow me. I mean I’m glad you were there to

catch me this time. I think I’ve been hurt enough for a while.”

Pavel took a deep sigh and starred straight ahead. I didn’t understand why the guys

I talked to, never seemed to be able to look me in the face. It was actually startingto annoy me.

“I’m sorry if I made you think that you made me feel awkward. I don’t wantyou to think that I brought you out here to put some sort of move on you. That

wasn’t my intention at all. I just feel responsible for what happened to you at thediner and when I saw how upset you were when you were leaving your house, I felt

like I had to do something to cheer you’re up.” I turned my body to the left a little, so I was facing him. I brought my arm

up towards my face so that my head could rest on my hand. It amazed me that

24



someone felt so compelled for the happiness of a friend. Pavel was definitelysomething special.

“Well thank you for being my kidnapper. I just couldn’t stand to be in thathouse another minute. Anywhere is better than there right now.”

I could tell that he wanted to ask me a question, but was debating whether it was hisplace to ask it. I helped him out a little bit.

“Ask me anything you’d like.” Pavel turned to face me a little more. He placed his right arm against the back of the

swing. I noticed he clutched his fist a few times before he allowed it to relax on theback of the swing. As if, in some weird way that was how he mustered up courage.

“What happened with your mom today?” I knew he was going to ask me something like this, but I was sort of hoping I’d be

wrong. Who would have thought that a girl would want to be wrong? “My mother is a fan of drinking, has been since the accident. I went down to

the kitchen to grab a bite to eat, when I ran into my mother in one of stupors. Idon’t like to fight with my mom when she’s like that, but once I mentioned Spencer

there was no stopping it. She threw a Captain Morgan bottle at me.”

Pavel’s eyes got so big I thought he was going to explode. I could tell thathe wasn’t too thrilled that my own mother tried to impale me with a booze bottle.

“Don’t worry, she missed. It’s one of the perks of fighting with someone whois hung over; their perception is always a little off. It’s the last thing she said thatreally pissed me off.”

Pavel didn’t say anything, he just listened. “She basically told me that she hopped that I wasn’t in the kitchen to eat

and that I was looking a little full lately.” Just saying those awful words again, brought the tears back to the corners

of my eyes. I hated the fact that she could upset so much. I was trying so hard tokeep my emotions under control, so far I failing horribly. Pavel could see that just

talking about it was making mad, after all the whole purpose of this adventure wasto make me happy and forget my problems. I was quite ready to cry in front of

Pavel. I stood up and walked for a feet. I didn’t know where I was going, but I had to

go somewhere. I just stood there staring out at my home town, just wondering whymy life was so hard and when, if ever, things were going to get better. One little tearmanaged to make its way out of my eye, just about the same time I felt a big, warm

hand on my shoulder. Just having his hand on my shoulder caused another tear toescape. I brushed it away with the back of my hand and for a reason that seemed to

escape me; I turned around to face him. I stared into his big, soft green eyes andsaw that this guy was something special. I never took the time to realize the unique

flaws in certain people, what I liked about Pavel was around the outside of isbeautiful green eyes, there was a ring a dark blue. It was easy to understand why

people mistake his eyes for pure green. No one has probably taken the time to see itwas blue and not black. He had the most beautiful eyes, I’d ever seen in anyone’s as

what I see in his. It was so strange how Pavel seemed to know exactly what I

needed, even if I wasn’t too sure myself. He pulled me in and wrapped his arms

around me. I couldn’t hold back anymore, I did what I consider to be the hardestthing for me and that was giving up. I cried so hard, the whole town must have

heard me. I loosened my arms and wrapped them around him. I have never huggedanyone so hard. It seemed to take forever, but I somehow regained my composure. I

loosened my grip on his back and took a few steps back. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re beautiful. Whoever told you that you’re

otherwise, is a fool. Come on.” He led me back to the swing and unlike the first time, he sat down right

away and looked right at me.

25



“I’m sorry for just exploding on you.” “Don’t apologize; this is why I brought you out here. Get out whatever you

need to get out.” “Thank you for being so nice. It’s been a long time since anyone hugged me

like that.” I smiled a weak smile and stared right at the eyes that had captured me.

“What you mother said to you, isn’t the only thing that’s on your mind is it?” I was so surprised; Pavel was so in touch with what I was really feeling.

“How do you do that? It’s so surreal.” All he did was smile, that side smile that was becoming my personal favorite

and said, “Just a hunch. I know today has been a long day for you and if you don’tfeel up it, I understand. We can always save that conversation for another time.”

Why was he so sweet to me? I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t quitedeserve it all. I just sat there, shivering a little. Pavel motioned me over and placed

his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t think having his arm around me wasn’t going towarm me up very much, but I was wrong. I did feel warmer. Both of us just sat there

on that swing, just taking in the calm, but steady sounds of the town. With the

occasional breeze passing through, this was the perfect afternoon.We must have been out there on that swing for hours because the next

thing I knew the sun was starting to set. I checked my phone to see what time it wasit was and found out that it just a few minutes shy of five o’clock. When I wasthinking about the time, which made me think about food. This was about the time

when I fixed myself dinner. I sat up, rubbed my arms because since I wasn’t undermy “security blanket” anymore, I was getting cold again. I didn’t want to leave, but

it was getting really cold out and I was hungry. “I should get going. It’s getting sort of late.”

“It is getting late. Are you hungry?” I laughed and said, “How do you do that? You have to tell me one day.”

Pavel stood up, walked around to my side of the swing and said, “One day I will.” Pavel offered me his arm and led the way back to the row boat. Once we were back

in the car, he turned to face me.

“So, where should we go?” “What do you mean?” “Well you said you were hungry, I am too coincidently. Since I took you to

my favorite spot, you get to choose where we go to eat.” “Well….. I would usually say Mika’s, but I don’t think your dad would let me

in.” Pavel let out a small laughed and shook his head.

“Oh come on, if anything he might make me work in the kitchen. He knowsthat at least there I won’t throw food on people.”

“How about Dino’s? They have good food and plus there are a few pooltables.”

Pavel looked a little skeptic and said, “Ok, if that’s what you want.”

I smiled and said, “It is.”

We both got into the car, and the first thing I did was crank up the heater.

26



7. Dino’s

On the way to Dino’s, again I tried to get Pavel to sing along with the radio.Maybe he’s not a fan of Britney, maybe Green Day is more his style. Again, he just

smiled and laughed at me and my feeble attempt to sing along. Right then, I made agoal for myself to get Pavel to sing with the radio. I never understood how people

could drive in their cars, listening to the radio and not sing in some form. Music hasthe ability of stirring up fun and happy feelings, making it almost near impossible to

sit still. That’s how it was for me. When I heard a song I liked, I couldn’t help butsing and shake in my seat.

It didn’t take us very long to get to Dino’s. It took me a little while to find aparking space and as I scanned the drive for a spot I noticed a black car that looked

like Jon’s scion. I must have been seeing things because there’s no way Jon would behere. He never goes out. I guess it was possible that there was more than one

around here.One of the things I was beginning to like about Pavel, was the way he

continued to surprise me. I thought I was beginning to figure him out, but maybe Ineed to get to know him just a little bit more. When we reached Dino’s, Pavel held

the door open for me. Being inside the restaurant was nice. The heater was on whichmade things warm and comfortable. There was the smell of pizza and light smoke.

Somehow the combination wasn’t as bad as people may think. For me, I sort of likedthe combination. As the waitress showed us to our table, I could hear the sound of

the old juke box they kept in the far corner and the sounds of the billiard ballscrashing into each other. Just hearing the sounds made me want to play. I wondered

if I could get Pavel to play. The waitress, who introduced herself as Tina, placed the

menus on the table and took our drink orders. Once we were alone again, I smiledacross the table and asked, “So…..what are the chances of me getting you to play a

game of pool with me?” “I don’t know I’ve never really played. Don’t have too much free time.”

I leaned back and folded my arms across my chest. “Now it’s your turn to tell me what’s going on with you. You’re not the only

one that has an intuition.”

Finally, I had done something to surprise him. At first, he didn’t say anything, justkept looking from one side of the restaurant to the other.

“You know what’s going on with me; don’t you think it’s only fair I knowsomething about you?”

“You’re right. What do you want to know?” Before I started, Tina brought out my water and Pavel’s Pepsi.

“So do you guys know what you would like?” She looked at Pavel first,assuming that since he was the guy at the table, that he was the one doing the

ordering. After a few minutes of just staring between me and Tina, I took theinitiative to order for us.

“We’ll just have medium Pepperoni Pizza, thanks. Well, the first thing I’d liketo know is, have you always been so shy?”

He didn’t answer right away; he played with the straw in his drink and then took adeep sigh.

“Yeah, I have. I always try to be more assertive or aggressive as my dadwould like me to be, but I’m not. My grandfather says I’m just like my mother.”

“Tell me about your family. You know how screwed up mine is, tell me aboutyours.”

27



I could tell that in the few years that Pavel has lived in Camden; no one caredenough about Pavel to ask such a personal question. Knowing that, kind of made me

feel a little special. What I had said, about since he had a good idea on how messedmy family was, it was only fair I knew about his too.

“No one has ever asked about my family before. My dad doesn’t like to talkabout it. Since he and my grandfather are the only family I have left, I don’t like to

make him unhappy.” I could tell that something we had in common was that we both cared way too much

about what others thought. Perhaps we could help each other out. I wasn’t going tosay much, I wanted this to be the chance for him to vent. He let me do it out on the

island; Dino’s was his vent place. He was waiting for me to respond, but all I hopedto do was listen.

“My life basically consists of school and working at the diner. I don’t get todo much else. It took all my father’s and grandfather’s money to come here and start

that diner. It would feel like I was being selfish and ungrateful if I didn’t contributesomehow.”

“Now I know you have more in your life than just the diner. What about

stagecraft? You seem to be deeply involved with that?” “That’s my small pleasure. It’s mostly in school, so it doesn’t take time away

from the diner. I love building things. As you saw on the island, I put together thatswing. Something about creating things that make people happy, feels good.” Tina came out with our pizza then, I didn’t even notice that it took them a while to

make it and bring it out. I was too engrossed in the conversation I was having. “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your mom? If you don’t

want to talk about it, just tell me to mind my own business and we’ll change topics.” “You talked about things that are unpleasant for you to talk about, but you

did anyway. It’s only fair that I do the same.” This guy is incredible.

“Before we came to the United States, I lived with my parents andgrandparents in a little house in the country side. It wasn’t much but it suited us all

just fine. My dad and grandfather owned a little grocery stand. For people who lived

in the country like we did, this was pretty much the only way they got food. Myfather, grandfather and I were at the stand one day just doing the usually routine.My mom and grandma or my nana as I liked to call her, stayed home because they

were planning a big dinner to celebrate my grandparents anniversary that night.” I could tell that this is the part in his story that was difficult to talk about. I gave him

a comforting look and he continued. “Just like most houses in that area, we had old fashioned appliances that

worked through gas. No one in my family really knew anything about electricity orgas and therefore didn’t realize that one of the gas wires had a big hole in it.”

I could see where this was going and I was trying to prepare myself for what was tocome.

“My grandmother liked to cook. You could always find her in the kitchen

making something. That night she did more than most. We tried to find out what

happened but all the officials could find out was that someone must have lit a matchor something. When we got to where I house use to be, all that remained was a pile

of ruble. I’ll never forget that night. After that, my father and my grandfatherrealized there wasn’t anything left for us there. He sold the stand and some other

things to get the money for us to move to the states.” I didn’t know what to say. What was someone suppose to say after hearing

something like that? I had my mouth open but fortunately Pavel couldn’t see becausemy hand was in the way. All I could do was stare at the drinks and pizza on the

table. I couldn’t look him in the face right now. If I did, I would fall apart. Pavel was

28



handling the story better than I was, and it happened to him. He laid his right armon the table, opened his hand palm side up and used his fingers to motion my hand

to meet his. I wiped a single tear from my eye and then reluctantly placed my lefthand in his.

Just then, something caught my eye. I looked to my left and saw SamanthaMercey walk by. I totally forgot that she worked here. Samantha or Sam, as she was

known to her small group of friends, was the most desired girl in school. Every guynearly fell over themselves to get to her. I’ll admit that she was pretty, but so were

other girls. What made her so special? I had heard a few rumors that she was knownto be a little loose, but what did I have to base that on? If a guy knows that about a

girl, it’s like exposing cat nip to a cat. They go crazy and cannot resist. I watched heras she brought drinks to a table on the other side of the restaurant. It was who sat

at the table that caused me to let out a small, “Oh my god.” I didn’t hear Pavel sayanything, his eyes just tried to follow where mine were. Across the way, sat my

brother with his friends. I never would have thought that Jon would come here. Theonly place he goes if he’s not in the basement is if he’s at Henry or Caleb’s. I

watched as Sam placed the guys’ drinks on the table, but she seemed to be lingering

just a bit longer than she needed to. Smiling uncontrollably at my brother, who, tomy surprise was smiling back. He hasn’t smiled in almost a year or at least that’s

what I thought.As if seeing my brother enjoying himself wasn’t enough, three guys walked

in to the restaurant. The only one I recognized was Brock Dacey and everyone who

lived here knew who he was. Though he’d like to think his popularity was a goodthing, it wasn’t. He was such an awful person who seemed to enjoy making other

people’s lives miserable. When I saw Brock walk through the door, I knew he wasn’tcoming here for the food. My eyes followed him as he slowly but surely made his way

over to the table where Sam stood and my brother and his friends sat. Everyone elsedidn’t seem to be paying much attention to what was happening, but I sure was.

Brock came up to the table and seemed to grab Sam by the arm. From the look onher face, she wasn’t happy to see or the pressure he was placing on her arm.

My brother has never been one for confrontation, and although Brock was

trying to start something, Jon simply sat there trying to be polite as possible. Theonly thing it seemed to be doing was making Brock Dacey angrier. Brock was tryingto keep this low key, this wasn’t the first fight he’s had in this place. Somehow, Sam

got loose from Brock’s Kung Fu grip and hurried back to the kitchen. I was trying tohear what was being said, but since Pavel and I sat on the other side of the

restaurant, there were a half dozen other conversations going on, the juke box wasblaring music and people were playing pool, it sort of made it impossible. I could see

that both Caleb and Henry were trying to get Jon to leave, but Jon wasn’t moving. “Is everything all right?”

Pavel’s question woke me from my temporary coma. I didn’t want to tell himthat I had forgotten he was there. I looked back at him and smiled a not so

convincing smile.

“Oh yeah, everything is fine. I just thought I saw someone I knew.”

As soon as I finished my sentence, my head jerked back around towards mybrother. If anything, Jon looked like he was getting bored with Brock’s attempts to

get him to fight or at least curse at him. To my relief, Jon suddenly stood up andmade his way out the door, with his two loyal friends trailing behind him. I had a bad

feeling about this. I turned back to face Pavel who had this worried look on his face. “Pavel, I’m not feeling too great, would you mind if we cut this short? I just

want to head home and rest.” Being the good person I knew Pavel was, he didn’t question my sudden need

to leave. He signaled Tina to bring us the check and a box for the almost whole eaten

29



pizza. Under normal circumstances, I would have felt bad for leaving so fast, butknowing there was probably a skirmish that included my brother, going on outside, I

didn’t care. As soon as Pavel paid for the pizza, I jumped out of the booth andheaded for the door. I was in such a hurry to get outside, I forgot to get my coat but

Pavel noticed and grabbed it for me. I thanked him and put it on, as I searched forJon.

“You don’t seem to be okay. What’s going on?” I’m sure Pavel didn’t appreciate me leaving him in the dark; I wasn’t doing it

on purpose. I was just really beginning to worry about my brother. “I’m sorry Pavel, I saw my brother in there. Brock Dacey came in and it

looked like he was trying to start something. I’m afraid he’s trying to get my brotherto fight him.”

Suddenly, Pavel seemed to understand and scanned the area trying to help. “Look, over there.”

My eyes darted down the street where Pavel had spotted my brother. Istarted running towards them. I didn’t even look behind be to see if Pavel was

following me. As I got closer, I could hear more clearly the shouting that was going

on. I didn’t even notice that I was running in the middle of the street. I finallyreached them and stopped right in the center, standing between the two of them.

“What is going on?” My head looked from left to right a million times. I just couldn’t believe that

Brock was trying to pick a fight with my brother, the guy that doesn’t bother anyone.

“Don’t worry about it. I was just getting a bite to eat with Caleb and Henrywhen Brock decided to crash our party. It seems he has a problem with Samantha

Mercey being our waitress.” “You know damn well it’s more than that. You know Sam is with me.”

Now I understood why Brock was in a bad mood, worse than usual. I looked over atBrock.

“You think there’s something going on with Sam and my brother?” “I know there is!” he shouted at me. I tried my hardest not to let Brock see

that he had scared me with his tone.

“Look, if you have a problem with me fine, but don’t you talk to my sisterlike that. You’re just being ridiculous as usual. There’s nothing going on betweenSam and me.”

“Oh don’t make me sick with that brother-sister, lovey-dovey shit. I’m tellingyou this one time, stay away from her.”

I went over to stand next to Jon. I know I probably should have kept mymouth shut, and just like Brock walk away but I didn’t. Before I knew it, I was

spitting out, “At least he has a sister.” All eyes seemed to turn towards me, which included the fire engine red eyes

of Brock Dacey. I knew the minute it left my lips, that it wasn’t the right thing to sayconsidering the situation we were in, but I couldn’t help myself. It seemed like Brock

had transformed into a raging bull, because he turned to face us again and started

walking with a sense of fierceness that I had never seen before. The closer he got to

me the more I realized that Brock was intending on hurting me. I was bracing myself for it but then both Jon and Pavel stood in front of me. Brock grabbed Pavel by his

jacket and was about to punch him in the face when I heard a commanding voiceask, “What’s going on here?”

Everyone turned to see who the commanding voice belonged to and to myrelief; it was Sheriff Rowley, Hayden’s dad.

“Is there a problem here Mr. Dacey?” Brock released his grip on Pavel and stepped back.

“No, there isn’t. I was just leaving.”

30



“Well than you better get goin then.” Both Pavel and Jon moved from the protective stances, which just left me there in

the middle. Brock stepped close to me and said, “This isn’t over.” I pretended not tohear him, although his vial words had invaded me. Brock made his way into his beat

up truck and disappeared into the night. “Everything all right now?” Sheriff Rowley asked. We all assured him that

the cause for the disruption was gone and that everything was fine. I didn’t knowwhat to say to Jon or if he wanted to even talk to me, but the look on his face

indicated that I was going to hear about it when we got home. Pavel and me, madeour way back to my car. He could tell that I was a little shaken up and in no real

condition to drive, so he insisted I let him do it. I wasn’t going to debate him on it,so without any protest I handed him the keys. I hardly said a word on the drive

home. I didn’t even look at Pavel, although he looked at me at least a dozen times.Truth be told, I was afraid to look at him. After what I’ve dragged him through, the

least I could do was apologize. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this. I hope Brock didn’t hurt you.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for Ashley. We both know, had he had the

opportunity, Brock would have hurt you. I wasn’t going to let that happen and fromwhat I saw of your brother, neither was he.”

I let out a big sigh, “My brother.” “What’s wrong?” “You didn’t see the look he gave me before we left. All I can say is it’s not

going to be pretty at the Grey house tonight.” Fortunately, Pavel took the only way he knew back to my house, which was the long

way. For someone who didn’t drive a car very often, he seemed to be able to handleour tricky driveway just fine. As he pulled into the garage, I noticed Jon’s black

Scion. He put the car in park, turned the off the ignition and handed me the keys. I just sat there for a minute, fiddling with the keys. I was trying to put off going into

the house for as long as possible. “Do you want me to stick around?”

I lifted my head to face him, smiled and shook my head.

“No, I’ve imposed on you enough for one day. You dad and grandfather areprobably wondering what has happened to you.” “Don’t worry about it. Are you sure you’ll be all right?”

“I’m not sure, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.” With that said, both of us got out of the car and headed for his lonely scooter.

“Thank you for taking me out today. It was the best medicine.” “Anytime you need an escape, you know who to call”,

I did know who to call. I looked up at him, smiled and tried to read what he wasthinking. I turned to go when I heard him.

“Ashley?” “Yeah?”

Before I could wonder what he was going to say, he wrapped his arms

around me in warmest embrace I have ever felt. I didn’t realize that anyone could

hug like that. Pavel continued to surprise me. For a moment, I didn’t want him to letme go. He mad me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time: safe. We said our

goodbyes and I saw drive away on his scooter. I smiled as he left thinking that therewas no way, that scooter of his, was as warm as my car. I turned and headed for the

garage door, behind which my brother was waiting for me.I wasn’t sure where he was, and that scared me more than anything. For a

brief minute I considered running after Pavel on his scooter, but knew that I wouldnever catch up to him. So either, I was going to have to be brave and walk through

the door or move into our dreary garage. I looked around at the array of knick

31



knacks which included our bikes that haven’t been touched in forever, the kayakhanging from the ceiling and my dad’s grill that had become the home of spiders.

Seeing the cobwebs made up my mind, I had to go into the house. What’s the worsethat could happen? I laughed at my own question. A lot could happen. I must have

taken 10 deep breaths before I actually opened the door. I acted like a secret agent,who had just broken into some bad guy’s house, looking in every possible direction. I

didn’t even turn on the light in fear of Jon standing there in the kitchen waiting toambush me. Once I scanned every inch of our lavish kitchen, I came to the

conclusion that my twin wasn’t in here. I was able to stand up straight and started towalk like a normal person. I made my way into the foyer and put my coat on the

rack. My thinking was if I moved as fast as I could up the stairs and made it to myroom I was safe. What other choice did I have? I yanked my boots off and left them

on the floor. If I was about to run, I didn’t want anything to stop me. I counted tothree and ran as if I was on fire. I didn’t look back and if anyone was watching me,

they would think I had the stealth of a ninja. My usual routine was to check in on mymother but even I couldn’t stop. I was on a mission that couldn’t be interrupted.

Miraculously, I made it to my room. I was in my safe haven. I was surprised that I

made it without any sort interruption. I closed the door, turned on the light and spunaround. All I could do was let out a gasp. There stood my brother standing with one

arm on my book case. “What the hell are you doing in here? You just scared the shit out of me.” “I’m sorry” he said which was dripping with sarcasm.

“Here we go.” I thought to myself. “No you’re not.”

“No, I’m not.” “You know I don’t like you in my room. Did you do this purposely just to get

under my skin?” “Maybe. I just know that this would be the place you’d think I wouldn’t be.

My goal was to catch you off guard.” I could tell that he was trying to piss me off and it was working extremely

well.

“Look, I’m sorry for just blurting out that stuff. I wasn’t thinking. He waspissing me off.” “I know. You weren’t thinking at all. Jesus Ashley, you know what kind of

person Brock Dacey is. I had it all under control, why couldn’t you have just left italone?”

“Oh what, you mean like the way you were handling it? By just sitting thereand letting him harass you like that? Why couldn’t you have said something?”

“Because that’s what a person like Brock expects. He was looking foranything to provoke him into a fight. I wasn’t going to give it to him.”

“Maybe you should have fought him. Someone needs to kick his ass.” The one thing I didn’t want Jon to do right now, was the thing that he chose to do.

He laughed in my face.

“Oh please. Who was going to kick his ass? You? No one else might have

seen the look on your face when he screamed at you, but I did. So don’t stand thereand act like the bad-ass I know you’re not.”

I didn’t care what I had or hadn’t thought about, I didn’t deserve to betalked to this way. All I was doing or trying to do was protect my brother. What has

he done for me lately? “Look asshole, I don’t need to hear this shit from you. All I did was try to

stand up for you. You were letting that prick say those awful things. I saw howSamantha Marcey was looking at you. Is anything Brock said true?”

32



He wasn’t ready for me to ask that question yet; I was relieved that I wasn’tthe only one surprised. Finally, I had turned the tables on him. Whether it was Brock

Dacey trying to tempt him into fighting or me trying to squeeze out the truth, Jondidn’t like to fight. He was too much of a coward to stand there and hear the things I

had to say. Jon tried to get by me, but I wasn’t budging. He tried to gently push measide but he’d gone too far. I shoved him back with all my might. I had never seen

his face look like that, just as I’m sure he has never seen mine the way it was.“I asked you a question. Now answer it.”

“I don’t have to answer anything. What I do is none of your business.” “Oh that’s right. I’m just the nosey bitch that is just out to mess up your

already fucked up life.” “I don’t feel like discussing this with you right now. What about you? Who

was that guy you were with?” “To quote, I don’t have to answer anything. Who I hang out with is none of

your business. I don’t know why you’d even care. I try to stick up for you and youattack me as if I had insulted you.”

“You’re such a drama queen. You think just because someone is hurting,

it’s your job to fix them. Some people don’t want to be fixed.” “Only cowards are afraid to be fixed because they won’t have anything or

anyone to blame but themselves. What would Spencer think?” I knew the moment I said it, I had crossed the line. Jon was already mad

but now he was livid. He grabbed the first book he could find and chucked it at me.

The book missed me, but managed to hit my mirror that I kept against the wall. Jonmust have thrown the book with some force because the mirror fell off the wall and

shattered into a thousand pieces. It felt like my heart broke along with it. Ourgrandmother gave me that mirror. I fell to the floor and tried to put the pieces back

in the frame as if it was going to magically fuse back together. I couldn’t pinpoint thereason for my tears; there were just so many things wrong that it was impossible for

me to decide on one topic.Jon crossed the room and attempted to bend down and help me pick up the

pieces but I was done with him. For a minute, it felt like I had temporarily lost my

ability to speak. Somehow I gathered the courage and in a weak whisper I said, “Getout.” He seemed to ignore me because he continued to pick up the pieces.Apparently a whisper wasn’t going to work with him. I tried a different tact. I picked

up my purse that was at my side on the floor and threw it across the room, makingall the contents of it spill out. I didn’t care; I wanted him out of here. Just to make

sure he got the message, I screamed at the top of my lungs, “Get Out!” That worked. He dropped the broken mirror pieces, stood up and walked to

the door. I knew it was no use, trying to fix my grandmother’s antique mirror. I stoodup and felt a light breeze brush across me. I turned I saw that Jon was still there in

my door way. What else did I have to do to get him to leave me alone? He wanted tobe left alone, why couldn’t he do the same for me? I could tell that he felt bad, but I

couldn’t care less. He had gone too far this time.

“I’m sorry”, he said in a weak little voice.

I thought I had gotten all of my anger out of my system but I was. I walkedover to him and slapped him hard across the face. I knew it had hurt him, because

my hand felt like it was on fire. I didn’t wait long enough to see his reaction. Islammed the door on his face and with it, the love I had for him.

33



8. Broken Glass

It was beginning to feel like it was universally impossible for me to have a

normal, relaxing day in my own house. The one place I felt safe, was no longer my

“safe haven”. I couldn’t believe that Jon did that. I always thought he was the sort of person to scream and shout if he was ever provoked, but now I realized that Jon wascapable of more than that. I kept replaying the event over and over in my head and

it made me realize, I don’t my brother at all. The brother I knew would never havethrown something at me. What scared me more than anything, was I don’t eve know

what his intentions were. Did he intend on hurting me or was he just doing it toscare me? Jon didn’t have to worry about scaring me, I was straight up terrified.

Being in my room, all I could think about was what had just gone downbetween Jon and me. I couldn’t even think straight and I was in my own room. I just

couldn’t take it anymore. I decided that I would stay somewhere else tonight. Fromhow I felt right now, graduation couldn’t come soon enough. I threw some clothes

into a large bag that I found in my large closet.I tried to be quiet as I left the house. I didn’t want to tip either Jon or my

mother off that I was leaving the house. I was hoping that she wouldn’t mind when Ishowed up at her door step. I just want to be at home right now. Everything in this

house was wrapped up in hatred and awful feelings. The only thing that made mehappy anymore, were my friends. With my tote bad over my shoulder, purse hanging

off my other one and keys in hand I made my escape. For a minute I thought aboutleaving a note, but then it occurred to me that no one would see it. No one in my

house cared about me anymore. I tried to be as quiet as I could, since my car was in

the garage I was just a little worried about how loud it would be. I made it to the carwith no problem and shut the door without too much force. I looked over my

shoulder and towards the garage door. I didn’t see anything or more importantly

anyone, so I figured I could continue with my get away. I made sure the stereo wasoff, that would definitely alert the guards. I don’t think I have the energy to be doing

anymore fighting today. I took a deep breath in, held it, as I put the key in theignition and turned the car on. Still holding my breath, I turned to look behind me

once more and to my surprise there wasn’t anyone there. I turned my head backaround to face the garage door and it was still shut. Nothing was stopping me now. I

put my car in reverse and hit the gas. As much as I wanted to gun it out of thedriveway, I didn’t want to hit anything. Our driveway curved in weird directions,

which for the inexperienced driver would make it impossible not to hit something.Backing out of the driveway, was something that under normal circumstances would

have taken a few seconds, seemed to take me at least ten, fifteen minutes.Presently, I had no patience for being careful. Finally, I was out of the driveway and

was just moments away from freedom. I put the car in drive, took one final looktowards my prison and hit the gas.

As much I didn’t want to be at home right now, I wasn’t wild about the idea

of crashing my friend’s house. I didn’t want to show up at her front door all frazzled,that would cause her to ask a million questions and at the moment, I didn’t feel likebeing interrogated. I wanted to mellow out a little before I showed up, so I took out

a burned cd I had made with the words “Relax Music” written on it. It was the first cdI came across and the reason being I’ve been stressed out a lot lately. I wonder why.

Usually, I would skip through the tracks to find one in particular but tonight I didn’tcare. The first track introduced itself to me by starting off with a light, whimsical

piano sound. The first few notes were high, which might startle or surprise most

people, but me, I thought they were the most beautiful. As the song went on the

34



more intense and dramatic it became. If there was music that could explain how Iwas currently feeling, this would be it. Music didn’t need words to show emotion; all

it needed was the right combination of notes. I took in the music, letting it fill me tothe brim, hoping that the negative things I was feeling would be forced to flow over

the top, leaving only the peaceful feelings. I had to remind myself to breathe; I don’tthink it would help anyone if I passed out due to oxygen deprivation. In a town such

as ours, there aren’t a lot of lights people have to go through. Mostly it just consistsof stops signs and traffic cops. I only had to temporarily pause at one red light and a

few stop signs before I made it to my destination. I turned down my head lights; Ididn’t want to wake up anyone, although I knew that Varley stayed up for a while. I

turned off the car and grabbed my bag. I pulled my jacket closer around myshoulders, it felt like it was getting colder by the second. Being in Varley’s nice warm

house was so appealing right now. I hurried up her walk way and just as I was aboutto lightly knock, the door flew open. I have always been easy to scare, so it was no

surprise that when the door suddenly flung open, I jumped back almost breaking myankle. Varley grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto her front porch.

“Jesus Ashley, you got to stop trying to figure out ways to hurt yourself. I

think you’ve been through enough, don’t you?” “Well when something unexpected happens, I have the weird reaction of

jumping back. How’d you know I was coming?” “I don’t know. I thought I heard something outside and I came to see what

it was. I didn’t think I’d find my best friend on my doorstep.”

“I’m sorry for just showing up like this, I just couldn’t stand to be at homeanymore.”

“I told you that you’re always welcome here. Now come inside, it’s freezingout here. I’ll make us some hot chocolate and you can tell me what happened.”

I didn’t even bother saying that I didn’t mention that anything was wrong;we both knew that if I did, it would be straight lie. Getting out of the cold weather

and drinking some hot cocoa sounded ideal right now.My good friend motioned me into the house and led the way towards the

kitchen. I placed my bag on the table and sat down at the bar. I placed my head

against my hand and let out a deep sigh. I watched Varley grab two mugs from thecabinet and place them on the counter. I was waiting for her to start the questioningbut a good five minutes went by and she didn’t say a word. She went to the pantry

and pulled out two packets of cocoa mix. I hated the silence; if it went on muchlonger I was going to crazy.

“Ok, I can’t stand the silence. Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?” A smile spread across her face as she poured some of the mix into one of

the mugs. “I thought you were just stopping by for a visit.”

“Oh come on, you know damn well I’m here for more than just to say hi. If Iwere coming by for a visit, do you think it’d be this late?”

She ripped open the other pack of mix and poured it into the other cup.

Varley reached for the tea pot and filled it with water and put it on the stove. She

turned towards me, placing both hands on the edge of the counter. “So what did he do to you now?”

I was a little surprised that she could pick up on why I was in a bad mood,without me saying a word.

“Don’t look like so surprised. He’s the source of all your stress right now.Spill it.”

Just as I was about to begin yet another chapter in the screwed uprelationship between my brother and me, the tea kettle announced that the water

was hot and ready to be poured. My wonderful friend poured the water into both

35



“Do tell but don’t think for one minute that I’m going to let that one go. I’mgoing to find out; it’s just a matter of when.”

The scary thing about Varley is that I knew that she meant it. The onlyreason for the hesitation is that I’m not sure I’m ready for anyone to know about

Pavel yet. What is there to know anyway? It’s not like Pavel and I are dating oranything. He’s just a nice, wholesomely handsome guy that I have run into, twice

now. Granted, he has been incredibly sweet to me: being my temporary kidnapperand trying as hard as he could to get me to feel better. I wasn’t about to admit it,

but Pavel was the only person who made me feel that surge of genuine happiness. Imust have been daydreaming because I suddenly woke up with my lovely friend

screaming my name. “Where’d you go? Didn’t you hear me screaming at you?”

“No, I just lost my train of thought. Anyway…….. Where was I?” “I don’t know but it sure wasn’t here.”

“Oh, yeah! Anyway, after I had my temporary moment of insanity, Jon gaveme a look that told me that we were going to have one of our world famous

screaming matches when we were alone.”

“And that’s exactly what happened?” “And that’s exactly what happened. He started screaming at me at the fact

that I butted into something that wasn’t my business. Considering the rocking day Ihad been through, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind to have one of heateddiscussions. I finally snapped and asked him what Spencer would have thought. I

knew that it would hit a soft spot with him and he just went crazy. He grabbed one of my books and threw it, with impressible force I might add, at me.”

Varley put down her cup and shot over to the vacant stool beside me. Hermouth was opened wide and her hand on my arm. She could tell that just bringing

the fight back up was bringing out the worst in me. “Oh my god Ashley. Are you ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine, he missed. Unfortunately his throw managed to destroy ourgrandmother’s antique mirror that she gave me.

I didn’t think it was possible but both Varley’s eyes and mouth got bigger.

“That was it for me. Whatever hope I had of patching up our torn life wasgone. He saw how hurt I was over the mirror and he tried to apologize but the onlything I did was slap him and slam the door in his face. I couldn’t stand to be there

one more second.” I didn’t really think I could come up with anymore tears but I was wrong,

once again. Varley pulled me into her arms and like a good friend; she let me cry outall of my bad feelings.

“I’m really sorry to hear about your Nana’s mirror. That was a lousy thing todo on his part. You know you’re always welcome here. Now come on, let’s go

upstairs and attempt to unwind. You need as much sleep as you can get. Don’t forgetwe still have school tomorrow.”

With all of the drama that has been going on, I totally forgot that I still had

an education to get through. I let out a loud groan and slammed my head down on

the counter, which reminded me of the gash I had on my face. The good things justkept on coming.

“Ok, do think it’s possible for you to get through an hour without hurtingyourself? Come on, let’s go. Don’t forget tomorrow is the last day for auditions for

the play.” “Oh my god girl, will you give it a rest? With all the things that are on my

mind, do you seriously think the play is one of them?”

37



Varley grabbed me by the arm and led me up the stairs. We must have beenhalf way up the stairs when she turned towards me and said, “I heard Will asked

about you during Drama yesterday.” I was about to pull her down the stairs but just as I reached out for her, she

bolted up the rest of the stairs. As I chased after her, I could here that all too familiarlaughter. This girl was going to be the death of me, if Jon didn’t beat her to it.

I always liked it when I spent the night at Varley’s house. Varley was an onlychild, which meant that her parents spoiled her. What I found interesting about

Varley and her family was that she was adopted. I found that out when we were littleand thought it was such amazing concept. Varley looks so much like her mother, I

sometimes still had a hard time believe that Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll weren’t herbiological parents. The Driscoll’s were open about the adoption from the beginning.

They always stressed the importance of honesty, which is something I’ve alwaysliked about the Driscoll’s. Their house was a lot smaller than mine but the size didn’t

make me feel closed in, it actually made me feel the opposite. I always feltcomfortable in their house, as if it was a cozy cabin with a fire blazing in the

fireplace.

Varley’s room was just like the rest of the house, the only difference was thecolor. Just like Varley, it was a bold, dramatic red. Varley was really into movies and

art. It was the movies that we had in common. We were always challenging eachother on which of us knew more. Fortunately, there was a second bed that pulled outfrom underneath Varley’s. I’ve slept on it a few times and always found it

comfortable. The only other bed I loved was my own and there would never be a bedlike mine.

Varley kept stressing that I needed some sleep. I always thought that whenpeople said that, it was just a nice way to say you look like crap. I knew this was

definitely one of those times. I didn’t worry about having something to sleep in. Justto show how often, especially within the last year, I’ve slept over at her house. Varley

had pulled some pj’s out for me. This was definitely my home away from home.We didn’t talk anymore about the fight. Varley could see that I’ve had a

rough day and deserved some distraction. The best way for either of us was to turn

on one of our favorite movies. Tonight, we chose Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra. Weboth snuggled in our beds with about 10 heavy blankets a piece and watched as theopening music played. I never understood why old movies such as this one, had such

long introductions with just music. This was such a long movie and knew that both of us would be fast asleep before too long. The last thing I saw was Cleopatra having

her first of many heated discussions with the mighty Caesar and the last thing Ithought about was Will Rafferty standing on our school’s stage, looking gorgeous and

those familiar butterflies came rushing back.

38



9. A Pleasant Surprise

I woke up to Varley’s stereo she has programmed to go off at 6 in the morning. I don’t

know how she does it but every morning it plays another song, but the songs it plays are

always up beat and happy. I asked her why she played such loud music first thing in themorning and her answer was because if the first thing you put in your head is happy and

positive, that sets your mood for the entire day. Sounds kind of lame but it’s true. Thismorning, the song the stereo chose was Labels or Love by Fergie. Varley purposely

turned the volume up just to make sure that it woke me. The moment the first sound of

the saxophone blared through the speakers, I wrapped a pillow around my head, as if the pillow was going to block out the noise.

“Will you please turn that down?”

“Oh come on, you know why I do that.”

“I know but it’s just so loud. I like to slowly wake up not be woken up suddenly.”“Oh, don’t be a baby. You’re up now. Let’s get something to eat and we’ll head out.”

I don’t usually eat breakfast but when I stayed over at Varley’s house I had to be alittle more secretive about not eating. I would move around the food on my plate or waited until her back was turned and then I would throw a few pieces of it away. Today

wasn’t any different.

After we got dressed, we headed downstairs where she made us strawberry pop tartsand orange juice. If I were by myself, this is just what I would have made for myself and

somehow I had a feeling that Varley knew that.

I volunteered to drive to school, after Varley had let me crash at her place last night, it

was the least I could do. We just pulled away from her house when Varley put her dirty boots on my clean dashboard, turned to me and asked, “So who were you with at Dinos?”

I didn’t take my eyes off the road. I was a horrible liar and Varley knew it. If I looked

in her direction she would be to see right through the lie I was trying so desperately tocome up with. I didn’t say anything, I just kept on driving.

“I know you heard me. I told you I was going to get to the bottom of this sooner

or later and what better time then on the drive to school?”“Well, a better time would be when I want to talk about and as of right now, I’m

all talked out.”

Varley slouched down in her seat, crossed her arms over her chest and said in adisappointed voice, “You are no fun.”

Now I was the one who smiled, “Oh yes I know.”

The rest of the drive to school was surprisingly pleasant, despite the horrible weather

conditions, winter was rapidly approaching and that meant that the weather was only

going to get worse. Finally Varley got the hint that I wasn’t ready to share the intimatedetails about my night at Dino’s, so she changed subjects to the only other thing I really

didn’t want to talk about: the upcoming play.“Darcy was still talking about the performance you gave. She hasn’t said

anything, but I have a feeling that we’re all going to see your name for Juliet.”

“Oh come on. I wasn’t that good. I wasn’t even really trying. I hope that somenobody strolls in there today and just blows what I did right out of the water. Whoever

Ms. Darcey picks, excluding me, will do a far better job than I ever could.”

39



“I don’t know who you’re trying to fool, but it certainly isn’t me. Everyone that

was in the auditorium that day saw the amazing job you did and know that you have this

in the back. Just think, you’ll be kissing Will Rafferty in front of the entire town!”With everything that happened last night, I had totally forgotten about Will Rafferty

and the play. Thanks to Varley, all those conflicting emotions came flooding back to me. I

was so immersed in my thoughts that I totally forgot about the fact that I was driving. Irealized that I had made into the school’s parking lot in my day dreaming state and

considering the crazy drivers that park their cars in the lot that was some

accomplishment. What finally woke me up was Varley screaming at me.“Ashley, hit your breaks!”

I pressed both feet down on the breaks and if I had stopped any harder both Varley

and me would have gotten severe whiplash.

“Didn’t you see that he was trying to cross the road?”I looked up to see who Varley was talking about and much to my surprise it was

Romeo himself, Will Rafferty. I rolled down my window with this horrifying look on my

face. Very casually, Will strolled up to my side of the car.

“I am so sorry Will I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”He placed one hand on the top of the car, leaned in the open window and smiled the

smile that could allow him to get away with murder.“It’s ok; I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was walking either. We both

seem to be day dreamers.”

I felt Varley lightly smack my and when I looked back at her she had this big grin on

her face as if she was telling me to flirt with him some more. Before I had a chance to sayanything, Varley butted in and asked: “so what were you thinking about?”

“Well to be honest, all I’ve been thinking about lately is the play. I’m freaking

out about what Darcey will cast me as. I mean what if I get something lame like being inthe ensemble?”

“Oh come on Will. We all know that you’re the best actor this school has ever

seen. If you get anything but Romeo, the whole school will start a riot.”All of us started laughing at what Varley at said. I’m not sure why Will was laughing,

but both Varley and I were laughing because it was the truth.

“Well thank you for believing in my acting ability. I’m still a little worriedthough.”

Will’s modesty amazed me. All I could do was smile at him.

“You really are a good actor Will. I know you’ll get the part you want.”

He must secretly know that his trademark smile killed me every time he spread itacross his face, otherwise why would he continue to show it to me? I would have stayed

in that spot and talked to him all day if it weren’t for the pick-up truck didn’t show up

behind me and start obnoxiously honking his horn.“Well I guess I’ll see you guys later.”

With one more glance at that phenomenal smile, Will backed away from my car and

headed for his first class.I didn’t want to look in Varley’s direction because I knew exactly what she would say.

I just quietly parked into my assigned parking space and turned off my car. I looked at my

phone to see what time it was and we still had a few minutes before the first bell was

suppose to go off. That left me know choice but to face Varley and discuss topics I didn’t

40



really want to talk to about. I went around to the trunk of my car and started to pile books

when Varley was at my side in a matter of seconds.

“I’ll tell ya one thing that Will could stop traffic with that smile of his.”All I could do was look at my best friend and laugh. Her blunt honesty was very

refreshing. We both grabbed our books and slowly made our way to the school. We met

up with Hayden at our usual spot. She could tell that she had missed something goodwhen we strolled up to her sitting on the bench with a book in her lap and a smoothie

beside her.

“Looks like I missed something good.”I sat down beside her on the bench, while Varley sat down on the grass in front of

both of us.

“Boy nothing gets past you does it?”

“Oh don’t listen to her. She’s just mad that we all know how hopelessly in loveshe is with Will Rafferty.”

I looked around the lawn, there must have been a dozen people walking around at the

same moment Varley was spilling my most precious secret. Well, one of them anyway.

“Everybody knows that anyway.”I went from staring at Varley to staring at Hayden.

“That is totally not true. Well everyone knows now because Varley has a bigmouth.”

Hayden was always the calm head out of the three of us. After dealing with us for

about ten years, she was use to our little tiffs that seemed to happen on a daily basis.

“So what brought on the topic of Will Rafferty?”“Well Ashley here almost ran him over.”

“Like I don’t feel bad about it enough? Well Varley is partially to blame because

she kept going on and on about the play and that I’m going to land the part of Juliet,which is not a done deal. There could be someone that auditions for it today that is so

much better than I was.”

Varley was messing with flowers that she found near her.“Stop trying to jinx yourself. You know you were good, we know you were

good, case closed.”

It was clear that I wasn’t going to win this argument so I just gave up.“We’ll just have to see.”

Hayden went back and forth between Varley and me, with this skeptical look on her

face.

“Why do I feel like William Rafferty isn’t the only thing you guys are tenseabout?”

Before the first word made it out of my mouth, Varley beat me to it.

“Well because Ashley showed up at my front door last night.”“That wouldn’t happen to be around the same I was talking to you on the phone

last night would it?”

It was my turn to cut Varley off.“Yeah that would be the time.”

“What happened last night?”

“I know you heard the first act of the play known as Ashley and Jon Grey, your

dad was there.”

41



Hayden got the look she often got when she wasn’t sure if she was aloud to disclose

information that might be deemed confidential; it was something between shyness and

being terrified.“I wasn’t sure if you didn’t want me to say anything yet or not.”

“No, it’s ok. Varley knows all about it, that’s the reason I was at her house last

night. Actually she knows more than you do. A lot more went down after Jon and I leftthe restaurant.”

I was just about to start telling Hayden about how Jon broke our grandmother’s

priceless antique mirror, the bell rung.“Don’t worry you can fill me in during Drama. I don’t think we’ll be doing

much today. Ms. Darcey is going to be wrapped up in the play.”

We all gathered up our stuff and reluctantly headed for our first class. Varley and

Hayden had somehow landed in the same first period whilst I was in somethingcompletely different and although I’d never say this to them, I kind of preferred it that

way.

Hayden and Varley had English Lit together, while I enjoyed my writing class. I

worked so hard the first three years of high school, I figured I deserved to take someclasses that I wanted to take, not had to take. Writing has always been my escape from

the crazy world I live in. Sometimes when I wrote I thought about maybe sending my full journal to a publisher and see what happens. I think being able to be published would be

such a way to be remember. I would have left something behind in this world that means

something, something that may save the life of someone who feels the same things I am.

As I walked the short distance to my class, I thought about next period.I knew the minute I stepped into that room; I was going to be ambushed by my two

best friends. I know Varley was more curious to know what I was doing at Dino’s the

night before more than Hayden was. Not because Hayden didn’t care but because sheunderstood that it was something that I wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about because

I knew the minute I opened my mouth, what I was saying would be misconstrued for

something else. I just didn’t want my friends to think certain things unless they were trueand even I wasn’t sure if they were. It was way too early to tell.

I reached my writing class with 2 minutes to spare. The teacher, Mrs. Portman was

really strict about being on time. If you were even a minute late, she would lock you outfor a few minutes and make think about how to get to her class on time. I kept reminding

myself that writing was something I loved and could put up with her tyrannical behavior.

I opened the door, and there standing at the front of the room talking to Mrs. Portman was

the very person I was with at Dino’s, it was Pavel.At first, he didn’t see me. I hurried past the other people and made a speedy move for

my seat. As I put my stuff down and took my seat, I looked to my left and saw that it was

empty. Then it occurred to me, no one sat beside me. I looked back towards the front andPavel was still talking to the teacher. Maybe he’s just running an errand for his teacher I

thought to myself. There are a million reasons why he just happened to be in my writing

class as opposed to the dozens of other classes that were beginning right now. I kepttrying to come up with a reason why Pavel was here but I knew better. I was trying to

stay busy and avoid making eye contact with him, up until now I had been able to avoid

it. Then my suspicions came true. I heard Mrs. Portman say, “You can take a seat beside

Ashley. You’re lucky, that was the last available seat.”

42



I looked up and saw Pavel finally make eye contact with me. I tried to suppress my

smile but I couldn’t help. The minute I saw his smile, I had to reciprocate with one of my

own. He gently placed his books on the desk and sat down beside me. The first thing Inoticed was how good he smelled. He may not wear the coolest clothes but at least the

boy knew how to smell good. I was really surprised that the girls weren’t falling over

themselves to get to him.“Fancy running into you here”, Pavel said smiling at me.

“Yeah, I’m a little surprised to see you. What are you doing in writing class?”

Pavel ran a hand through his hair, which looked gorgeous. I had to stop looking himover. Sooner or later he was going to notice me staring at him and totally freaked out.

“I had to transfer out of my Home Economics class. I have taken it too many

times.”

“Really? I’ve never taken Home Ec. Varley took it last year and said it was themost awful thing. She couldn’t wait for it to be over.”

“That’s so weird. I actually enjoyed it. I mean everything the teacher was

teaching the class I already knew how to cook, so there was no point in me staying in the

class. I asked to be switched out and this was the only other class with openings. I’m gladto see that I know someone, I hate that new class feeling.”

I wasn’t completely convinced that what Pavel was the truth but I didn’t care. Ienjoyed having him around. He always seemed to be able to relax me and I could always

use as much relaxation as I could get. As he was telling me his well thought out story, all

I did was lean on my hand and smile at him. Pavel really was a good guy. That was so

rare to find these days and I was so glad he was my friend.I wanted to continue our conversation but just as I opened my mouth, Mrs. Portman

was calling for everyone’s attention. The rest of the class went by pretty quickly, although

for the first half hour she read to us certain excerpts from her favorite author. He was her prime example and used his work all the time. No one else in the world with the

exception of Mrs. Portman seemed to like his writing. I think that’s why everyone looked

bored out of their mind and secretly did other things. When she finally finished reading awhole chapter, she began telling about the big project of the semester.

What we were supposed to do was to do a paper reflecting on this past year. Mrs.

Portman has always been a tough teacher especially when I came to grades and up untilnow I have been able to maintain a decent grade. I always tried my best and besides

Drama, this is a class I tried extra hard in. In my head, I started to brainstorm what I

wanted to make sure I added in my paper. If I didn’t write it down, I knew I was bound to

forget it. Pavel saw me writing some ideas down in my notebook. He leaned in closer tome in hopes that Mrs. Portman wouldn’t hear him. I tried not to be too obvious but Pavel

just smelled so good.

“Getting a jump start on that paper already?”“I got some ideas, if I don’t write them down I run the risk of losing them.”

I didn’t mean to sound overly dramatic but it was the truth. Pavel suddenly got this

intense look on his face.“Forever?”

“Forever.”

I wasn’t completely sure if Pavel was trying to be funny but once a smile spread

across his face, I knew he was making a joke. I tried to stifle my laughing but I just

43



couldn’t hold it in. I let out laugh and just as Mrs. Portman was going to yell at me when

the bell rang and I high tailed it out of there.

Pavel caught up to me, slightly out of breath.“Boy you can really move when you’re trying to avoid trouble.”

“Sorry for just leaving you like that, I just didn’t want to get yelled at. If she’d

had her way, she would have made me write another paper on classroom behavior.”“Another? You’ve had to write one before?”

I had a feeling this was another one of those times where Pavel was trying to lighten

the mood and make me laugh. Being outside among dozens of people, it was ok for me to burst out laughing.

“Yep. I’m a real trouble maker.”

“I’m beginning to see that.”

I looked over at him, afraid that that’s what he really thought but I was relieved whenI saw him wink at me. In hopes of avoiding any awkward moments, Pavel changed the

subject.

“So what class do you have next?”

“Drama, and normally it’s my favorite class but I’m not looking forward togoing there today.”

“Why is that? I’ll bet you’re a great actress.”“My friends would probably agree with you, although I’m not so sure. I love

acting and movies, but I’m just not sure I have what it takes to perform on stage in front

of people.”

“I know you have what it takes.”I didn’t realize that we had been talking the whole way to the drama room. I was

amazed at Pavel’s ability to keep my mind off things that caused me stress. I turned to

face him, looking at him in his big beautiful eyes.“How would you know that?”

“Let’s just say, I’ve had the privilege of seeing you act.”

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant and I knew that it would bother me until I figured itout. The warning bell run, I said a quick goodbye and quickly snuck inside.

***I wasn’t looking forward to what I knew was coming. I wasn’t really up for talking

about the play or Will. In all honesty, I just wanted to get the day over with. If only I had

the ability of time travel. I took a deep breathe and walked into the room that was my

only remaining haven. Just as I had predicted, both Varley and Hayden hurried to myside. It seemed like everyone was more excited than usual. Usually it was because Will

was in the room, but I did a quick scan of the room and he was no where to be seen,

which was strange too. Will was usually the first one here.“What’s going on”, I asked Hayden.

“We’re not sure. The minute we walked in here, everyone was in their own little

huddles whispering about something. I’m really curious to know what they’re talkingabout. Varley is trying to get to the bottom of it.”

Now that Hayden had said that, I was curious to know too. Just as I was about to go

over to a group of three giggling girls, Varley sauntered over to where Hayden and I were

standing.

44



“Well I can’t say I’m all that surprised.”

“Not that surprised about what?”

“Casey said that everyone is talking about how Darcy is talking to Will alone inher office.”

I shouldn’t have been as intrigued as I was, but let’s face it; I’m a pretty weird person.

“What are they talking about?”“Well, Casey seems to think it’s got something to do with the play. Will is her

unofficial little assistant. He’s got her under his gorgeous thumb.”

We all put our stuff down and grabbed three chairs nearby.“Why would Ms. Darcey need to speak to Will alone”, Hayden asked calmly.

“Oh who knows.”

“I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough.”

With that being said, the door to Ms. Darcey’s office swung open and as it did, all the people in the drama room scattered like what cockroaches do when someone turns on the

kitchen light. When Ms. Darcey and Will casually walked into the room and saw how

strangely well behaved we all were, they looked at each other with big eyes.

“Ok, who are you people and what have you done with my rambunctious dramaclass?”

The whole room burst out into laughter. It was so strange how one minute the roomis buzzing like a newsroom and then the next it’s as quiet as a church.

“Well I suppose you all were yacking about what was being said behind my

closed door, am I right?”

Everyone just looked at each other and then up to the front of the room where Willstood.

“I’ll take the guilty looks as a big yes. Well Will and I were discussing the play

and the brilliant young actors who will play these timeless characters. Now I know I saidthat I wasn’t going to announce who will be playing which parts until all the auditions are

over, but with all the pestering I’m getting from the alumni and all of you, I’m afraid I

must go against my word.”Varley grabbed my arm so tight, within seconds I couldn’t feel it anymore. I pried her

long fingers off of me. She was just being ridiculous. None of us had any idea what Ms.

Darcey was going to say.I was trying to look anywhere but in Varley’s general direction, so instead I turned to

my left and looked at Hayden. Sweet, shy, sensible Hayden. I glanced towards her but it

looked like she was trying to get me to look somewhere else. She was doing this funny

thing with her eyes as if she was trying to say something without saying a word. I leanedtowards her.

“What are you doing?”

“I believe someone is trying to get your attention.”I wish I didn’t know who Hayden was talking about, but thanks to my keen intellect, I

did. I took my time looking at him, it may have been twisted of me, but I wanted to

torture him for just a second longer. Then I looked into those gorgeous eyes I knew verywell. I didn’t understand how it was possible for someone to look so good, but somehow

William Rafferty pulled it off. Now, that is one family that has nothing but good genes. If

the eyes weren’t enough, he had the smile to complete the package. I don’t know why he

was smiling at me that way but I made a mental note to find out.

45



Will Rafferty never dressed badly but one thing I knew for sure about him, was when

he wore black, those eyes of his absolutely lit up. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“Now I want to make sure before anything important is said, that not everythingset is set stone, in fact only two of the parts have been casted. The rest will be up on

Monday like planned. Now, playing the part of Romeo will be……..”

Everyone was acting as if this was a high stakes trial with Ms. Darcey as the judgeand she was about to give the verdict that could sentence the defendant to the death

chamber. People can blow things so out of proportion sometimes.

“played by our very own Mr. William Rafferty.”A positive outcry arose from the room. The judge awarded in favor of the defendant. I

looked over at Varley, and she was acting as if she was the lawyer defending the

defendant and she suddenly knew that she was going to get a huge percentage off the

settlement.“Playing Juliet, I have casted without question, will be played by Miss Ashley

Grey.”

I wasn’t surprised that the reaction to whom would be playing Juliet wouldn’t be as

big as who was going to play Romeo no matter who Ms. Darcey chose. Deep down,regardless of how much I opposed playing the role, I knew what Ms. Darcey was going to

say before she even opened her mouth.Some of the girls in the class, including Varley and Hayden surrounded me and

started squealing excited nothings into my ear. The rest of the girls all huddled around

each other, probably trying to come up with some way to sabotage me. I didn’t know

what they had planned, but I wasn’t looking forward to finding out.Ms. Darcey calmed everyone down and spent the remainder of the time just playing

acting games.

Most of the time, I didn’t like the fact that I had lunch after only two classes. It justseemed too early to me. It just meant that I still had two more classes to get through and

days like today, it seemed to be going by so slowly.

We had our own little lunch area, Varley, Hayden and I. It’s the same area whereVarley and I found Hayden this morning. It’s far away from the cafeteria so we can hear

each other talk without shouting and yet still close enough to be considered in the lunch

area. Varley had to do something in the scholarship building so it was just Hayden andme.

Hayden always brought her lunch from home. Everyone in her house were vegetarian

health nuts. As usual, all I had with me was a big bottle of Smart Water.

Hayden could tell that I was overwhelmed with the new of the play. I was still tryingto process it myself.

“Are you all right Ashley? Ever since you found out your part, you’ve hardly

said a word.”“Yeah I’m fine. I was just hoping, just this one time, that my intuition would

have been wrong.”

“Did you really not want the part?”“It’s not that I didn’t want the part Hayden, it’s that I’m feeling very conflicted.

Like I’m being pulled towards something I’ve always wanted and something I might

want but didn’t know I wanted.”

46



I was sort of hoping that I would confuse her but I could tell she had no trouble

keeping up with me.

“This has something to do with what Varley doesn’t know doesn’t it?“Who I was with when I was at Dino’s, yeah, it does.”

I just sat there on the bench playing with the cap to my water; my life was such a

mess. I didn’t know what to say. Hayden could see how tortured I was feeling inside.Being the phenomenal friend she was, she didn’t say anything. All she did was place a

hand on my back and her other on top of mine. Just knowing I had a good friend like

Hayden unconsciously supporting me, made me feel so much better. I looked at her anddid the best smile I could come up with.

“Thank you Hayden.”

“I’ll always be here for you. You come to me anytime.”

I knew that she meant it. I looked over at the loud group of my peers talking to eachother about who knew what. There were some tables that were perfectly normal which

included groups of friends eating their lunches and not causing a scene, and then there

were other tables where the occupants were acting like animals. Is this really what my

generation has become, nothing more than a rambunctious crowd with no upbringing or respect for others?

As I was looking from table to table, I saw Pavel sitting on the edge looking atsomeone I couldn’t see from where I was sitting. I decided to make things, at least for

me, a little more complicated.

“I’ll be right back.”

Hayden knew I meant exactly what I meant and was ok with it; she just smiled andwinked at me. I picked up my purse and headed in Pavel’s direction. I was so focused on

making my way over to Pavel; I didn’t even notice that Varley was heading right for me.

“Where are you going?”“To get something from the vending machine. I’ll be right back. Meet you guys

at the bench.”

I could tell that Varley wasn’t entirely convinced with my lie but I also knew thatHayden would cover for me. What were good friends for?

As I walked towards Pavel, I was trying to think of what I was going to say. I knew

that no matter what I came up with, it wasn’t going to be as clever as I’d want it to be. Iwalked right behind him and saw that he had a pad in his lap and a pencil in his hand.

From this perspective, I could see what he was doing. He was drawing this couple sitting

at a far bench. Although I couldn’t see much, I could tell that he truly loved her. Just by

the way he pushed back her hair and the way she smiled back him. That’s the sort of loveI was looking for.

“He really loves her doesn’t he?”

Finally, instead of being the person that other people scarred, I was on the other sideof the fence. Pavel didn’t realize I had been standing behind him and when I finally

spoke, he jumped dropping his pad on the ground. I couldn’t help but laugh but as I did, I

hopped off the edge and grabbed his pad.“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Sure you didn’t”, he said laughing and trying to recover from me scaring him.

“No, I really didn’t. I was just admiring your models out there. Do you mind if I

sit?”

47



Being the gentleman he was, Pavel dusted off the spot to his right and invited me to

sit down.

“Sure. I could always use a fresh eye.”He tilted his pad so I could see his work and when I did I was blown away. What I

saw on Pavel’s art pad is the sort of thing that became world famous pieces of art,

hanging in museums worth millions of dollars. I was completely speechless.“Wow, I didn’t think it was that bad.”

I placed a hand on his shoulder, without really think about it with this scared look on

my face.“No, no. Pavel this is truly amazing. I had no idea you could draw so well. You

have a real gift.”

“I try to keep a sense of mystery about myself. Life’s no fun if you give

everything away up front is there?”“No, I guess not. How long have you been drawing?”

I could see that I had really interrupted Pavel’s serious drawing session and I felt sort

of bad about it but I just had to find out more about this hidden talent of his.

“I’ve been drawing for most of my life. Sometimes I draw buildings and suchwhich is another interest of mine and sometimes when I’m feeling inspired, I draw

people, like the couple I was doing before I was almost scared to death.”I was beginning to catch on to his sense of humor and decided to laugh and nudge

him, instead of taking offense. I needed to stop taking things so seriously anyway. Why

not start now?

“So I believe it’s safe to say that you are currently feeling inspired? Whatexactly has allowed you to feel inspired?”

At first I thought I was being a little too forward but then Pavel placed his hand on

top of mine and then I suddenly forgot all about feeling forward. All I could do was stareup at him. I knew what inspired him but I wondered if I was worthy of his inspiration. I

didn’t know what was coming over me but I suddenly felt this gravitational force pulling

me towards Pavel. I was just inches away from touching his perfectly shaped lips whensomething interrupted my thinking.

“Ashley?”

I turned to see who was interrupting possibly the most memorable moment of my lifeand then I saw it. I saw him. William Rafferty, the boy of my dreams was standing there

looking at me. This was my worst nightmare, well at least this week.

“Could I talk to you?”

What a dilemma I suddenly found myself in. There I was, stuck between guy Ifantasized about and the guy that I felt an unexplainable pull for. I looked between Pavel

and Will and honestly didn’t know what to do. Then Pavel made my mind up for me.

“It’s ok Ashley. I got something I have to do for before 3rd period anyway. I’lltalk to you later.”

Before this moment, I had never felt more awkward in my entire life. I didn’t realize

it was actually possible to die of embarrassment, now I knew it actually happened. Iwatched Pavel pick up his pad and pencil and quickly stash in his bag. He stood up, gave

me a quick smile and left me sitting on the edge.

I could tell that this was an uncomfortable moment for Will too, but he can’t even

imagine how I was feeling. There were no words.

48



“Look I’m really sorry to sneak up on you like that. I just saw you from across

the lawn and wanted to talk to you for a second.”

“It’s ok Will. I’m sorry for making that uncomfortable for you. I just want toforget it.”

Will took Pavel’s original seat. As he did, a chilling breeze decided to blow through

and present Will’s amazing aroma to my nose. I took in his scent and tried to figure outexactly how I felt about it. He didn’t stink or anything, it just wasn’t exactly what I like

guys to smell like. He smelled, rich and overly sexy. William Rafferty was the poster boy

for rich and sexy. Those weren’t bad qualities; just maybe those are a few of the ones thatI don’t think as highly as a few others.

As I sat there, I was trying to remember what Pavel smelled like. Pavel’s was

completely different from Will’s. Pavel’s was much more modest which I think just said

that he didn’t want to be associated with a fragrance who’s purpose is to drive girls crazy.Pavel’s was soft and subtle and yet absolutely addicting. Definitely something that grew

on you. The more I was around him; I realized that it was the smell that I was starting to

love.

“I didn’t get a chance to talk to you during class. After Darcey made her bigannouncement, the whole room just kind of went crazy.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s ok. What did you want to talk to me about?”“Well I just wanted to say congratulations on the part and that I’m looking

forward to working with you. I think with me and you playing Romeo and Juliet, we

could make it really something, something memorable.”

I was touched by Will’s sincerity. I was sort of surprised that Will had just said that hewas looking forward to working with me. I could think of at least three girls in that class

that I felt were better suited for the part of Juliet than me. It was a sweet thing to say

regardless if he meant or not. Although I was enjoying his sweet words, I knew that the boy could deliver a line.

“Thanks Will, that means a lot. I just hope I don’t let anyone down. This is a big

responsibility and I’m not sure if I’m up to the task.”Just as I was beginning to loosen up, the bell rang. I grabbed my bag and scooted off

the edge. I smiled at him and was about leave when he stood in my way.

“Ms. Darcey swore me to secrecy but what we were talking about in officetoday, it was about you. She was telling me how in her twenty years at this school, she

has never been more blown away by an audition.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was completely speechless. The only thing that stuck out

in my mind was that I was feeling an overwhelming sense of fright. I smiled up at himand walked around him.

“Hey Ashley?”

I turned back around to face the Greek god that was standing before me.“You’ll be great.”

With one more smile, he turned around and walked away. I suddenly woke up from

my dream like state and realized that I had a class to get to. With a deep sigh and a quick look around, I ran to my class.

49



10. Unexpected Disaster

The rest of the day went by just as I thought it would, absolute craziness. It seems like

everyone had heard about what was supposed to be a secret. In both of my classeseveryone kept congratulating me and saying how lucky I was that I got kiss Will Rafferty.

I was doing all I could not to think about that impending kiss that I knew was to come. I

50



even got in trouble a few times because my teachers thought I was trying disrupt their

classes on purpose, which was far from the truth. I was just trying to make it through the

day alive.It seemed to take forever, but finally the final bell rung releasing me from my

temporary prison. With every passing hour, the weather was getting unbearably colder. As

I walked to my car, I thought about how I didn’t mind the cold weather. I have lived heremy whole life and despite how things were going lately I enjoyed it. We went to Florida

once a couple years ago and I didn’t like it too much. Florida is a totally different world

where there are an abundant number of postcard shops and fast food chains. Anytime Iever hated living here, I thought about Florida and suddenly I didn’t hate it so much.

I was trying to go as fast as I could to my car. I couldn’t take anymore people staring

at me. Finally I made it to my getaway car, but I wasn’t the only person standing by it.

Both Varley and Hayden standing there waiting for me. I grabbed my keys from bag justso they could get the hint that I was in a hurry to get out of here and get home.

“So much for the early casting being a secret.”

“Oh come on Ashley you didn’t honestly believe that something as big as this

could be kept a secret did you?”“Yeah I kind of did.”

A cold wind was blowing through which just made me want to get in the car thatmuch faster.

“Well I’m going to go. I’m freezing out here and I’ve got some stuff I need to do

when I get home.”

“Want us to come over and help you? We never did finish our conversation thismorning.”

I tried to hide the resentful look on my face and once again Hayden came to my

rescue.“Actually my mom wanted me to help her with something, but I’ll call later ok?

See you guys later.”

With that being said, Hayden scurried off to her car that was only a few spaces downfrom mine. That left Varley and me standing there awkwardly silent.

“I don’t feel like talking about what this morning ok?”

“Hey there’s no need to get all defensive. I rode with you this morningremember? You have to give me a ride home.”

I realized that I had jumped the gun a little bit and she was right. I was acting

defensive and that I did need to give her a ride. We both got into my car and I dug around

in car for the cd I knew would cut the tension that seemed to be in my car in anoverwhelming amount. I put in Britney Spears’ cd in and instantly a bright smile spread

across Varley’s face.

“I never should have told you that I was obsessed with Britney’s music.”“Oh yes you should have, best friends tell each other everything.”

The rest of the ride was surprisingly pleasant. When Varley brought up how the entire

school was talking about the play and I tried to be good a sport and hear what she wasgoing say. She said in calculus class there were two girls who were so mad that I had

gotten the part and that I couldn’t even act. I took that with a grain of salt. I myself didn’t

know if I was capable of acting, how did I expect anyone else to? Then there was a guy in

51



her fourth period that said that I was cute and since not a lot was known about me, I

would probably surprise everyone.

Ice was starting to form on the roads so I drove extra slow. It annoyed Varley but shealso understood that I was an extremely cautious driver.

I pulled up to the house I was at just this morning and said a heartfelt goodbye to my

dear friend.“I’ll call you later. We’ll probably do a three-way with Hayden so make sure

your phone is up and on.”

I saluted my friend and said, “Yes ma’am.”I wasn’t sure what or whom I was going to run into when I went home but strangely

no matter who was there if anyone, I felt strong enough to deal with them. I made it to

my cold dismal house and successfully maneuvered through our complicated driveway. I

pulled into my spot in the garage and saw that there weren’t any other cars in thedriveway. At last, something today went my way. I grabbed my bag from the car and

quietly let myself in. I realized that my mother might still be here but once I saw the note

telling me that she had a doctor’s appointment which told me that I was truly alone.

Looking around the kitchen and realizing I could do whatever I want was an unknownfeeling for me. I didn’t know how long it would last but I definitely intended on enjoying

every second of it. I grabbed a bottle of juice from the refrigerator and headed upstairs.Along the way, I saw the family portraits hanging on the wall. I didn’t even recognize

anyone in the pictures. We all looked so happy, if only we’d known what was to come. I

took a deep breath and continued my way to my room.

I opened my door and stepped in. I looked around my room and everything lookedthis same with one very big difference. Nana’s antique frame was no longer hanging on

my wall. I was completely heart broken. I remembered the fight that went down between

Jon and me. I remembered the look in his eyes and him throwing the book that wasintended for me. I started to feel claustrophobic and needed some air. I grabbed a book

off my shelf and the throw blanket of my ottoman. I headed for my favorite spot in the

world.So many things were such a mess right now and there were some things I couldn’t

count on, but I knew that no matter how awful things were, I could always count on that

spot to turn it all around.With my soft warm blanket around me and my book in my hand, I sat down in that all

too familiar chair. I looked out the lake that seemed to sparkle although there was no sun

right now. I thought about the day I’d had, but there was one moment that stuck out

amongst all the rest. I thought Pavel and the kiss we almost shared. I had never felt likethat in my life. I couldn’t explain what I felt in that moment and as I sat that in the

freezing cold I tried to bring that feeling back. I closed my eyes, leaned my head back

against the headboard of the chair and started thinking. I was just getting to the part of meleaning in to kissing Pavel when I heard the dock’s wood boards creak. It scared the crap

me out of me, so bad that I jumped up out of the chair and threw my book on the ground.

With a little more force, my book would have ended up in the water.I wanted to see who scared me and it was my worse fear. It was my brother standing

there in front of me. So much enjoying my empty house. I suddenly didn’t know what to

do.

“Just once I’d like to be left alone.”

52



me. He smiled at me and I smiled right back. I could tell he was excited to see me which

made me feel good, he casually walked over to me.

“So are you stalking me now?”“No sorry. I actually came for some of that delicious potato soup. Think you

guys have any left?”

“Yeah, I think we’ll be able to accommodate you. I’ll be right back.”As I sat there waiting for Pavel to bring out my soup, it hit me that I had a few

butterflies in my stomach. I couldn’t believe it, I was nervous. It only took Pavel about

five minutes to bring me my soup. He placed down in front of me and took the seatopposite me. Pavel continued to amaze me.

“Are you aloud to sit and converse with the customers?”

“No, I’m not. After having been on my feet for a while I’m permitted to a break.

Lucky for me, someone I rather enjoy talking to came into the diner.”“I guess I timed that just right, didn’t I?”

“Yes, I’d say you did.”

I didn’t know what to say to him. I mean I knew what I wanted to say, I just didn’t

know how to say it. Pavel decided to take the reins.“So how was the rest of your day?”

“Really crazy.”Pavel looked at me like he was confused, like he had no idea why my afternoon was

crazy.

“You mean you didn’t hear anything at school today?”

“I may have heard something.”“Well then must have heard about the play?”

“I think I caught wind of something. What about it?”

I didn’t know whether he was trying to be coy or if he honestly didn’t know. Either way, it was starting to annoy me.

“That I’ve been casted as Juliet.”

A huge grin spread across his face as if he was just waiting for me to say the words.“Oh yeah, now that you mention it, I may have heard about that.

Congratulations.”

I shrugged my shoulder and came up with this weak little smile.“Thanks.”

“You don’t seem too happy about it. Didn’t you want the part?”

“Sort of. I mean, in all honesty, I wasn’t even playing on auditioning for it. I

figured I’d just get some behind the scenes part and I was ok with that, but my friendshad other plans.”

Pavel just sat there and let me tell me sordid story. Most of the guys I knew would

have walked out by now. Pavel was different.Actually having someone listen to me vent was a new thing for me. It just felt like at

any moment, Pavel was going to get up and leave. I realized that we had been talking for

a good hour or so.“Don’t you have to get back to work?”

Pavel glanced down at his watch and sighed.

“Yeah I got to help close up. Dad wants to close up early today. My grandfather

hasn’t been feeling well and he wants to get home and see if he’s ok.”

54



I scooted out of the booth and slowly started for the door, but then I realized that I

wasn’t quite ready to leave him just yet. I turned back around and watched him gather my

bowl and utensils.“Did you feel like maybe going for a walk? I could always give you a ride

home.”

At first I thought Pavel was going to decline my offer because with my dishes in hishands, he disappeared to the back room. I thought that maybe I was being a little to

forward and rushing things. Feeling like a complete idiot I headed for the door.

“Did you change your mind?”I spun around to see Pavel putting on his coat and hat.

“No, I just thought since you went into the back that you didn’t want to go.”

“I just wanted to let my dad know that he didn’t need to wait around for me.

Shall we?”Pavel held the door open for me and with in one brief moment, we were out in the

cold walking side by side. I was hoping that I wasn’t going to have to be the one to have

to start this conversation. I was beginning to feel really nervous and I don’t talk so well

when I’m feeling nervous.“So did you really not want the part?”

I pulled my jacket closer to my body as if Pavel’s question had exposed somethingthat I didn’t want seen.

“It’s not that I didn’t want it, I love the play and consider myself to be quite the

fan, but I guess I’m just not sure I can turn into what I feel to something that can be seen

on stage.”“It seems like you don’t have much confidence in your abilities.”

Did he know me or what?

“It’s just a lot of pressure and I’m just not sure if I can deliver. Everyone isexpecting this ground breaking performance and I’m not sure I can give it. I’m really

scared.”

As we walked side by side, glancing at the closed shops in town, I realized that therewas no place I’d rather be. Pavel could see I was under an enormous amount of stress and

changed the subject to random things like whether or not I thought Mrs. Stewart was

going to ever take down the Halloween pictures hanging in her store windows.I didn’t know everything about Pavel; I just knew that I could be myself around him,

even though I didn’t know who that was. They always say that high school is when you

discover yourself; well so far I haven’t discovered anything. All this year has been is

heartache and disappointment and frankly I was tired of both.“What’s wrong?”

I woke up from the heated discussion I was having with myself and came back to

where I was. I looked into those beautiful eyes and I remembered. I tried to put on a fakesmile, but Pavel saw right through it. He touched my arms and gently forced me to turn

and face him.

“You look like there’s something else on your mind.”I turned my gaze towards the ground, if I looked him in the eyes, I was afraid that I

would lose complete control over myself and I had done that enough.

I could feel the tears rising up to the brim; I refused to cry in front of him. Then I felt

the warmth of his glove touch my face and directed my attention towards him.

55



“What’s wrong?”

As the first little tear streamed down my face, I said in a weak little voice, “I miss my

brother.”This was hard for me to say and I’m sure hearing it wasn’t much better. That’s

something that Pavel did well, he brought me to terms with the truth but he did it a kind

way. I felt no pressure from him.“I miss both of them. My family is falling apart and I feel like there is nothing I

can do. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do.”

Pavel did, he wiped away the tear running down my face with the back of his handand pulled me into his arms. I breathed him in and I could feel that even though there

were times when I felt that trying to get my family back together was hopeless and life

just generally seemed unbearable, that there were still some moments left in life that

brought nothing but warm, happy feelings. I really felt that Pavel was a God-send. Hewas someone that God knew would make me see that things were going to get better; I

just couldn’t give up hope. I didn’t want to let go of him, I felt safe and warm in his arms.

Then I felt something, something familiar. I didn’t know what it was but it was

definitely something I had felt before.I think both of us knew what was going to happen but I couldn’t help but feel nervous

about it. Everything that a girl worries about when she’s about to kiss someone, rushedthrough my mind. I was worried about whether or not he would think that I didn’t know

how to kiss or if my breath smelled bad. Then something happened.

Every thought that was swimming around in my head, suddenly evaporated into

nothing. In that moment I realized that there was something going on between Pavel andme. It felt like there was no one else in the world except for us and under normal

circumstances, that would have scared me but the only thing I felt was, peaceful.

Then I felt them, the warmest, softest lips that could have been made. I felt this surgeelectricity rush through me, all the way down to my toes that suddenly felt crispy warm. I

was breathless. I forgot everything I was worried about, everything I was feeling anger

for. All I felt was what pure happiness must feel like. How could someone try and explaina feeling as beautiful as this? Pavel was so gentle, most guys are only too eager to rush in,

but Pavel was different. He took his time and let me slowly explore these newly found

feelings.I had totally forgotten every bad thought and feeling that had found a home in my

mind and was enjoying this newly found peace, when something interrupted me. I heard

what must have been an old soda can scrape against the sidewalk, which caused me to

detach from Pavel and look to see what was making the noise. Behind Pavel, walking afew feet away, I saw three dark, shadowy figures coming our way. I suddenly had a bad

feeling take hold of me and something told me that this was no longer the place to be

kissing. Things had become unsafe just as quickly as they had been pleasant. I didn’twant to ruin this beautiful moment that I knew would never come again, but I also didn’t

Pavel to notice my sudden distress. I put a hand on each of his shoulders, smiled at him

and said in a hushed voice: “I think I should drive you home. It’s getting late.”He brushed his hand down my face and smiled back at me.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

I could tell that Pavel wasn’t in any hurry to get home, and neither was I really but the

three unknown figures that had interrupted us we’re really starting to bother me. I could

56



still feel them slowly walking behind us as we headed for my car. I had to keep reminding

myself to smile so I wouldn’t tip off my sudden change in mood to Pavel. As if he hadn’t

been wonderful enough, Pavel opened my door for me and gave me a quick kiss to theforehead.

The ride over to his house was awkward, only because I made it that way. I had

become so paranoid and even though I knew better, I was driving just a little too fast. Iglanced at him a few times and each time he had this look on his face that made me feel

both happy and uncertain. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking but my judgment gave me a

good idea and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. I am such a mess. Despite my fastdriving, I made it to Pavel’s house in just a few minutes. He undid his seat belt, took a

deep breath and turned towards me.

“Would you mind walking me to my door?”

I just smiled, shook my head and got out of the car.Being this far away from him, I felt the cold again and realized that I hated to feel this

cold. The warm feeling that I had, felt was so much better and I wanted it back. The

question I found I was asking myself was: Do I deserve it?

There wasn’t much to Pavel’s yard but I didn’t mind it. I couldn’t see much, exceptthe little round steps that led to his front door. On either side I could see what use to be

flower beds, they had been beautiful flowers here I could tell.Pavel reached the step that led to his front door and turned to face me, I knew what

was coming but I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear it. I had been longing to hear it from so

long and now that the moment was finally here, I suddenly felt unready.

“Ashley. You are the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.”I was right; I wasn’t ready to hear this yet.

“I don’t think I’m all that amazing.”

Whenever I was uncomfortable or got a compliment I didn’t feel worthy of, I alwayslooked down. I wanted to run away but my feet seemed to have grown roots and had

planted themselves right here on Pavel’s door step. I felt a soft, warm glove slip under my

chin and lift it upwards.“You are. I’ve never felt this way before. You’ve made me feel so good inside

when I didn’t think it was possible. The kind of warmth I feel when I’m with you is

indescribable. Just seeing your face and seeing you smile makes everything right in myworld. I don’t want to lose this feeling. I don’t want to lose you.”

Why was he saying such things to me? I wasn’t worthy of them. I felt the tears well

up in my already worn out eyes. Hadn’t I cried enough today? I couldn’t hear anymore. I

turned to run for my car as fast as my legs would carry me, but he stopped me. I felt hisstrong hand grab my arm and turn me back to face him. Before I had a chance to break

free from his grasp, he pulled me back into the arms I was growing to love, and felt the

soft, sweet lips I had met just a few moments ago. Why was he making this so hard? Iwanted to leave, but really, I wanted him to never let me go.

With his face just a few inches from mine, he said in the smallest, softest voice

possible those words I was dreading to hear.“I’m in love with you.”

That was it. I broke free from his loving hold on me and ran to my car. I wiped the

tears from my eyes and started the car and peeled away. I didn’t want to look back; I

would never make it home if I did.

57



I was trying to calm down, with the blurry eyes thanks to my tears, I knew I would

get into an accident and that was the last thing I needed to have happen right now. I

turned on my relaxing cd and when I looked in my rear view mirror, I noticed a pair of bright headlights approaching suddenly. Usually, I didn’t pay any attention to what the

other cars were doing. I was too busy focused on watching my own driving to worry

about anyone else. I figured that whoever was in such a hurry would simply go aroundme, but after a few seconds, all they did was get even closer to my car. I was becoming

really scared, I knew that if they didn’t back off they were going to surely hit me. My

grip on the steering wheel increased, I was too scared to worry about the pain I wasinflicting on myself.

Then it happened, my worst fear. I felt the jerk the car behind me caused when it

struck mine. I had never felt that before and as prepared I tried to make myself, I couldn’t

imagine that this is what being hit would feel like. It was a powerful hit that forced meforward, all I could think in that moment was, and thank God I was wearing a seat belt.

I looked in m rear view mirror again and saw who my attacked was, it was Brock.

If scared is what you’d say I was before, I had gone far and beyond being petrified. I

didn’t know what do to do to try and get away from him. I wasn’t exactly in the bestframe of mind. I kept looking from side to side as if I would see my ideal opportunity. As

I kept looking, Brock struck me again and I didn’t even try to prevent the tears fromfalling. I wasn’t just scared of losing my family this time; I was scared of losing my life.

Suddenly it was as if someone heard my cries for help because I suddenly saw an

alley way that was dark, I thought that this could be my chance to get away. I realized

that I had to abandon my car which would leave it open for vandalism but what elsecould I do? I found an opening on the side of the street and slid into. I grabbed my bag

from the passenger seat, the keys from the ignition and bolted from the car. I could hear

the monster truck pull up behind and I could hear the voices of what I thought were threeguys. I didn’t look behind me. All I could do was run.

With me hyperventilating and my heart pounding in my ears, I ran down the dark

alleyway. Under normal circumstances this would have terrified me but not right now. Ihad bigger things to worry about, three in fact.

I was trying to find a door or a dumpster to hide behind but it seemed that luck was

not on my side. Every door I tried was locked which left me only one alternative, keeprunning. Then I saw it. I came face to face with a tall chain linked fence. I was trapped. I

shook ferociously at the fence as if my sudden rage would destroy it and I would be able

to escape. I shook the fence as hard as I could and nothing happened. I turned to see my

assailants running towards me. What was I going to do? The question that scared memore was, what was he going to do?

Although I knew it was useless, I tried to calm myself down and to appear unaffected

by what Brock and his wretched friends were doing. When they realized I wasn’t able toescape, they slowed down a leisurely stroll, my guess was to try and scare me even more

than I already was. I wanted to say that there was no need. I had never been this scared in

my life.“You sure seemed to be going somewhere in a hurry”, Brock said in a sarcastic

voice.

I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself before I spoke. I wasn’t going to give

Brock the satisfaction of accomplishing his sick and twisted goal.

58



“Yeah, someone was trying to cause an accident.”

I looked at the faces of all three guys and they seemed to be having a secret

conversation with their eyes, all I saw was excitement and thrill. I had to put my handover my mouth, these guys made me feel physically ill.

“I told you we weren’t finished. You have a big mouth and someone needs to

teach you a lesson.”“No one needs to teach me anything. Someone had to stick up for my brother

and since he wasn’t going to say anything to you, I took it upon myself to do it. You’re

got a chip on your shoulder and you’re blaming the wrong person.”Saying that seemed to upset Brock, he sudden had this monstrous look on his face. He

stormed right up in my face; his was just a few inches from mine. I could smell the cheap

whiskey on his breathe, it was so strong and was starting to make me feel dizzy. I had to

remind myself to stand my ground; I was not going to let this psycho get the best of me.“Shut your mouth. I’m blaming the right person. You are going to say something

that’s going to really get you in trouble and this time there’s no bro to protect you.”

“I don’t need my brother to protect me. I’m very sorry for your loss, but you

weren’t the only one that lost something that night. We lost something to.”Brock wasn’t going to listen to anything I said. He hit the fence and despite my best

effort, I let out a yelp.“Don’t even try to act like we are anything a like. We are not the same.”

“Look I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to insult you in any way; I was just doing

what you would have done if it were Sarah in my place.”

Brock seemed to become a man possessed, he didn’t even look like a man anymore.He looked at both of his friends and said, “Hold onto her.”

Suddenly I forgot everything I was telling me self. All the spare space I had in my

mind was suddenly overruled by fear. I found myself trying to run through the three, bigguy although I knew it was useless. Each of his friends grabbed each of my arms and

pinned them against the fence and no matter how hard I struggled, their grip on my arms

only increased, it felt like there was boa constrictor squeezing the life out of me. I didn’tthink it could get any worse but somehow it did. With a loud grunt, I felt Brock’s strong

fist make contact with my ribs. I had never felt that sort of pain before and it was

instantly crippling. The guys dropped my arms and let me collapse on the ground. Igasped to try and catch my breath. I couldn’t catch it. I just kept gasping and wrapping

my exhausted arms around myself. I wasn’t sure, but it felt like I might have had a broken

rib or two. As I was laying on ground, writhing in agony and tears streaming down my

face, Brock bent down close to me face. I wanted to think, what else can he do to me, butthe moment I started I stopped myself. I didn’t want to jinx my already jinxed life.

“You’ll think twice before you open your mouth won’t you?”

All I could let out were short, little gasps of air.“What was that? I can’t hear you, speak up!”

It was mostly me shivering from the harsh weather but I managed to squeeze out a

weak, barely audible, “yes.”I heard one of Brock’s friends asked, “What are we going to do with her?” I could

only imagine what Brock had in mind, part of me wanted him just to leave me here to die.

I didn’t have any more strength to withstand anymore pain. Both my body and I have had

enough.

59



and calm myself down and remind myself of what I was trying to do. I didn’t even have

to think of who to call. His number was the first I came across and I thought what better

time to make amends.

11.

I pressed the SEND key on my phone and it rang twice before I heard his voice.“Hello?”

I tried to clear my throat and gather as much oxygen as my injured lungs couldhandle. In a weak, husky voice I said, “Hello”.

“Who is this? I think you might have the wrong number.”

I could tell that he wasn’t convinced it was, and the thought that he might actuallyhang up on me was more frightening then my run in with Brock and his monkey friends.

It took all the strength in me, but somehow I managed to find the strength to speak again.

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“Pavel, it’s me.”

I wasn’t sure that he believed it was me, especially when I sounded like forty year old

man.“Ashley? Is that you?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

“Oh my god, what’s wrong?! You sound terrible.”I know that he deserved a more descriptive explanation than the short response I was

about to give, but my lungs would let me give more than that.

“I never made it home. I’m in the alleyway next to the hardware store.”I was praying that my short explanation was enough to convince Pavel to rescue me,

again.

“Stay where you are, I’m on my way.”

Under normal circumstances I would be counting on my rescuer, whoever it was atthe time to take forever because that was my luck, but Pavel was different and he proved

it yet again. Pavel lived just minutes away from where my attack had taken place and I

was so relieved when I heard fast paced running on the cold, wet concrete.

“Ashley!”I lifted my head to see Pavel’s silhouette in the opening and I couldn’t remember the

last time when I was so happy to see someone in my life. He ran towards me as if it washis life was at stake. Him showing up just proved what I already believed. Pavel was too

good for me.

“What happened?! Are you ok?!”

I tried to lift myself up but couldn’t do it alone. Pavel could tell that I was hurt so heever so gently sat me up and let me lean against his warm chest. Just having the warmth

is body radiating off helped my feel so much better.

“You are just a recipe for disaster aren’t you? What happened to you?”“I guess this proves it doesn’t it? Brock Dacey and his friends followed me and

cornered me in the alley. Brock punched me in the ribs; I think one might be broken.”

I thought living through being punched in the ribs and almost accepting the fact that Iwas going to die in a dark alleyway was the worst of it, but I was wrong. Seeing the

distraught look on Pavel’s face surpassed them all. It looked like he was about to cry and

scream all at the same time. I never want to see that look on his face again. I couldn’t bare going through it a second time.

“We have to get you to the hospital Ashley; you shouldn’t be out here, you’ll get

sick.”

“I’ve been through everything else, why not add sickness?”“Don’t talk that way. Now I’m going to try and lift you up and I want you to put

all your weight on me, ok?”

I thought about arguing that he couldn’t possibly handle my weight and his too, but Ididn’t have the strength for that. For once, I just let it go and did what he asked.

“Let me have your phone so we can call an ambulance.”

“No, please. I’ve seen enough of ambulances for a while. My car is just on theother side of the alley, here.”

Thankfully enough my keys were hanging halfway out of my pocket and didn’t take

much effort pulling them out. I placed them in Pavel’s hand. He seemed to be a little

reluctant into driving my car again.

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“You’ve driven it before; you’ll be fine, unless you want me to drive?”

Pavel shook his head and closed his hand around my keys.

“No, I want to take you. Come on.”Doing as I was instructed, I took my time and slowly eased myself up and placed all

of my weight on him. I grimaced a few times because the pain snuck up on me but didn’t

let that stop me. I wasn’t to die; I was going to make it. All I could think about was beingsomewhere nice and warm.

It seemed to take forever but finally we reached the light at the end of the tunnel and

although I was in excruciating pain, I couldn’t help but smile. Pavel helped me to the passenger side of the car and made sure I was securely locked in my seat, Pavel got in on

the driver’s side. The first thing I did was turn on the heat as far as it would go, I never

thought I’d have to do that. Looks like I was wrong again, what a surprise. I wanted to do

something to ease the tension that filling my car. I couldn’t breathe well as it was, I didn’tneed any help. So with my hand, I searched for a certain cd that I thought I put in the

handle of my door. I felt the smooth plastic and gently lifted it from its spot. I examined it

quickly, I wanted to make sure it was the cd I was looking for. I glanced over at Pavel,

who was keeping all his attention on the road. I put the cd in the player and the sounds of Britney Spears’ high voice surrounded us. I looked over at Pavel once more to see if my

trick had worked, but it hadn’t. Although Pavel was extremely careful driving, I couldfeel that he was driving just a little bit faster than the speed limit sign said, but I didn’t

care. I had to have someone look at my ribs.

I was hoping that there wasn’t going to be big crowd at the ER, I didn’t want anyone

besides the necessary few to know what happened. Living in such a small town I knewthat was going to be an impossibility, before I knew it the whole town would be talking

my attack in the alley. This was the sort of attention I was hoping to avoid.

We pulled up to the emergency room and found a parking space labeled for those thatneeded emergency care. I laughed at the thought. I needed around the clock emergency

care. I wondered if this hospital offered that.

Pavel helped me out of the car and led me to the emergency room waiting room. Ilooked around and only saw about three people sitting in scattered chairs around the

room.

“Can I help you?”I looked up to see an elderly lady, with a Good Housekeeping magazine in her hands.

With the exhausted look on her face, I could tell that she’s been sitting at this little desk

for hours when she would much rather be in bed sleeping; I knew exactly how she felt.

“Yes, thank you. She might have a broken rib and needs to see a doctor.”I loved how Pavel just took control, saved me from embarrassing myself. The nursed

handed Pavel a clipboard with the forms that needed to be filled out and I knew that I

wouldn’t be able to fill out most of it. Oh well, I thought. I’d humor the woman; after all Iknew she was only doing her job.

Pavel helped me to the nearest chair and sat down beside me. I took the clipboard

from him and stared at the first requested piece of personal information. Name, I think Ican handle that.

“You want me to fill that out for you?”

I looked over at him with thankful eyes, he really was too much.

“I think I can handle it, you’ve done enough.”

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As I had predicted, I could only fill out maybe five questions out of the 20 that were

on the form. I came down to the bottom when it asked who to contact and then I thought

about my parents and how one of them would have to come down here sign papers andinsurance nonsense. That was something I was not looking forward to, at all.

I handed the clipboard and form back to Pavel and he handed back to the exhausted

receptionist.“I’ll call you when the doctor is ready to see you.”

Pavel thanked the woman kindly and hurried back to his place beside me. I could tell

that he wanted to say something but was struggling with himself, trying to decide if thiswas the right place to talk to me.

“Are you sure you shouldn’t see a doctor too? You look like you’re in pain.”

“No, I’m okay. I’m jut worried about you. I shouldn’t have let you leave when

you were so upset.”Pavel had it all wrong. I could tell that he blamed himself for what happened earlier,

but it was me, not him.

“Are you actually trying to blame yourself for what happened to me?”

“I could tell you weren’t okay and yet I let you leave anyway. I could have beenwith you, done something to prevent you from getting hurt, again.”

“There was nothing you could have done. It’s my fault this happened. If anything, you saved me. I could have died out there.”

I placed my cold hand on top of his and he placed his other on top of mine.

“We have to do something about this. Brock can’t be allowed to treat people this

way. He needs to be held accountable for what he’s done.”I didn’t know what had come over me just then, but I suddenly started to panic. I

started to hyperventilate and my eyes widened open as if I was being electrocuted.

“No! No, you have to promise me you won’t say anything. It stays between youand me, okay? Promise me!”

“Ashley, calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself. Okay, alright, I promise, it

stays between you and me.”I could tell that it hurt to make this sort of promise when it meant that the person

responsible was still roaming around, possibly hurting other people, but what else could I

do? Despite my best efforts to not let Brock Dacey under my skin, he managed to slither under anyway. I was terrified of him and never wanted to see him again.

“You know the doctor and everyone else in town is going to ask what happened

to you.”

Before I even attempted to come up with an excuse no one but me would believe, the phone sitting beside the receptionist rang.

“Ashley Grey?”

Pavel shot out of his chair and helped me up.“The doctor will see you now.”

A short, heavy set bald man that I assumed was a nurse showed us the way. He put me

in a wheelchair and when he tried to push it towards the room, Pavel interjected andabsolutely insisted on pushing the wheelchair. He refused to let me out his sight. I was

touched by his need for protecting me. Obviously I needed it. I was thankful to have the

chair, although I slightly embarrassed about being in one at all, I just didn’t have the

strength to walk anymore.

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“We’re actually going to take you to get x-ray taken of your ribs. You can wait

in that room, we’ll be in there as soon as she’s done.”

Although I knew Pavel was crazy about waiting although while the nurse took into anunknown area. I looked back at him and touched his arm.

“I’ll be okay.”

The nurse understood that Pavel was simply trying to look out for me and easily letPavel’s hostility go. There was no reason for anyone to get upset about this.

I never understood how people who worked knew their way around. Every white

hallway looked like another white hallway with the occasional shut door. The only thing Icould look at as I zoomed past, were the paintings on the walls done by some local artist.

After about ten paintings of sunsets and lakes, the nurse stopped at an open door and

wheeled me inside. I looked around at the dark room, so at first I couldn’t see anything.

The nurse shut the door behind us and sort of abandoned me at the door. He went acrossthe room and around the corner to where I could no longer see him. I just sat there feeling

not only awkward but the dull pain in my ribs that was still causing me to wince every

few minutes.

All I could do was sit there in my rickety wheelchair and stare at the large piece of equipment right in front of me. I wasn’t entirely sure how they took x-rays whether it be

standing or laying down but all I could think about was the pain I’d feel when I tried tomove from my sitting position. I heard some voices from around the corner, one was the

male nurse and the other was a soft, pleasant female voice.

“Alright well I’ll take a look at them after I finish with this patient, ok?”

“Ok, I appreciate it.”I looked up to see the two voices I’d heard come around the corner. I saw that the one

voice did in fact belong to the male nurse that had been pushing me around the hospital

and the other belonged to a petite blond with a dazzling smile. Just seeing her smileinstantly put me at ease.

“Hello Ashley I’m Meredith and I’ll taking your x-rays today.”

I smiled up at her and tried to extend my arm to shake her hand but another pain shotthrough me and I instantly drew my arm back to my side.

“Oh it’s ok, I appreciate the effort. I understand you think you might have a

broken rib?”“Yeah. I know I’m not a medical expert but this on going pain in my side lets me

think otherwise.”

We both laughed at my attempt at being serious, she understood that I wasn’t in the

best mood but I was putting forth a good effort.“Well I think you’re right, so I think the best way to get a picture of those ribs is

that I’m going to have you lay down on the table. I know it’s going to be uncomfortable

but I think it’s going to be easier than standing.”I knew she was right and since she was being so nice I was going to fight her. I slid to

the edge of my chair and she helped me make the change from the chair to the plastic

cold table. I flinched only a few times, but finally I made it down. I still couldn’t breathewithout the pain becoming more than I can stand. Meredith was sympathetic for the pain

she could see that I feeling and reassured me that it was only going to take a few minutes

for the pictures to be taken and the film to be processed.

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Meredith was right, it only took a few minutes and then another x-ray technician

helped me back into my wheelchair. I was relieved to be sitting in something with some

cushion. Meredith went around the corner for a second and reappeared just as fast.“The film is being developed right now Ashley and the doctor will talk them

over with you in a few minutes and in the mean time James here is going to wheel you

back to your room where your boyfriend is anxiously waiting for you. I hear he keepsasking every hospital worker he sees when you’ll be done.”

I laughed with her but I didn’t have a response. I didn’t know what Pavel was, and to

say something he may or not be would be terrible of me. Meredith flashed me one lastsmile with her teeth glistening at me and said that she hoped that I would feel better soon.

As time goes by, it seems that finding someone who genuinely cares about others is

difficult to find and that everyone no matter how nice they seem, usually always have an

agenda of their own. I could tell, Meredith wasn’t one of these people. I wasn’t sure if I’dever see her again, but I’d always remember her and her rare brand of kindness.

James was pleasant enough on the way back to the room; he asked me if I had been

trying out some new dance move that had gotten a little crazy. I could tell he was just

trying to make small talk because he obviously hated silence as much as I did. I decidedto humor him and said that he was right. I looked in every direction in hopes to find Pavel

but by the second time of thinking that I had reached my room and finding out that itwasn’t, I decide just to sit back and pretended to be listening to James’ small talk.

Just as I was about to tell James to please be quiet, I heard a voice I didn’t mind

hearing.

“Ashley!”Pavel looked like he had been worried sick and once he saw me wheeling towards

him, he ran to my side in a heartbeat.

“Are you ok? I kept asking if you were ok and no one would give me an answer.I was starting to really worry about you. What did they say?”

“It’s ok. I don’t know anything yet. They were just taking x-rays of my ribs. The

technician said that a doctor would be coming in, in a minute to talk them over with me.”Apparently James was getting a kick of Pavel loosing his cool because as he wheeled

me into the room, he was laughing. Pavel didn’t appreciate being laughed at but since he

knew him getting even more upset wouldn’t do any good, he just ignored him and keptall his focus on me. Both Pavel and James helped me out of the wheelchair and onto the

sanitized hospital bed. With a snooty “thank you” from Pavel, James left the room.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be alone with Pavel just yet or not. I really didn’t think

I was up to having a deep discussion right now. No matter what he said or how he said it,I knew I was going to react badly. Pavel didn’t deserve that, not now.

I shifted my weight on the table and with every move I made the paper I was sitting

on made an obnoxious crinkling sound. I knew I had to look at him some time, so verycarefully I looked over at him. He looked like he saw me get hit by a car, absolutely

horrified.

“Will you say something please? If we just continue to sit here, I’m going to losemy mind.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Tell me what you’re thinking.”

I didn’t want to tell him what I was really thinking; it would only make things harder.

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“I’m thinking about my ribs and how I can’t wait until I get something to make

the pain go away.”

Pavel looked like he wasn’t entirely convinced that that was what I was reallythinking but let it go. He still like he was really worried about something. I decided to

turn the tables on him.

“What are you thinking?”“I’m thinking about earlier.”

Surprise, surprise.

“There’s nothing to say, it’s in the past, let it go.”He stared straight at me, with those piercing eyes of his. I actually found it difficult to

look at him. With him leaning on his legs and his hands clasped together, a deep frown

spread across his face.

“I can’t do that and there’s actually a lot to say.”I turned away from him, he was making this incredibly difficult for me and it wasn’t

fair. I didn’t want to be mean to him, but maybe that was my only choice.

With the screech of the metal chair sliding across the linoleum floor, Pavel walked

over to where I sat and gently turned my head towards him. I had no choice but to look him in the eyes.

“I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you with what I said.”I could feel my eyes getting glassy and although I knew it would hurt, I sucked in as

much air as I could.

“You didn’t.”

“Sure seemed like it. Especially since you left like you did.” No matter what Pavel thought, I truly felt terrible about the way I had left but I

always felt like it was the only way I could get out of that situation without destroying

him completely. Since he was being so honest, I decided to be too.“I left that way to protect you.”

Pavel let out a small like chuckle.

“Protect me from what, you?”With the tears reaching their breaking point, I jerked my head out of his hands.

“Yes from me! I’m a terrible person Pavel; you don’t deserve to be hurt in such a

way. I don’t deserve you.”“Why would you say such a thing? I know I don’t know everything about your

life and your past, but at the very least I know what you deserve…”

To try and prevent Pavel from seeing my cry, again, I brought my left hand up to my

face and covered my eyes. I could feel the sobs rising up in my throat. Damn him for being so good. Although I tried to resist him, Pavel managed to force my arm back down.

With tears beginning to form in his own eyes, he said those damaging words.

“And what you deserve, is love.”Even though I knew it was probably the worst thing I could do and even though I

knew that I was going single handedly destroy this beautiful person, I reached out for

him. I slowly brought up my right arm and placed my hand on the side of his face. Just asif we were on opposite sides of a mirror, he placed his right hand on my face. I leaned my

face in his hand and aloud myself to imagine that it was the most comfortable thing I had

ever laid on. I could feel him bringing his face getting closer to mine and although I

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“Pavel I need you to promise me something. No matter what I ask, you must

promise to respect my wishes.”

I could tell already that he wasn’t going to like I was going to say and that althoughhe would probably promise me just because it’s what I wanted him to do; he wasn’t going

to follow through with it.

“I want you to leave before my dad gets here. You shouldn’t be around for that.”“I don’t want to leave you alone and I know I’ve

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chapter 1 - chapter 11

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