by ian mcwethy - carrie mccrossencarriemccrossen.com/ianmcwethywriter/full_length_plays...2008/10/31...
TRANSCRIPT
12 Incompetent Men
(Full Length Version)
by
Ian McWethy
Ian McWethy536 Ft. Washington Ave. Apt. FNew York, NY 10033
A Jury Room. A table, twelve chairs. A water cooler. There is one door up stage right to enter. There are two windows, one with an air conditioning unit.
JUDGE (O.S.)Ladies and Gentlemen, this is by far one of the most bizarre cases I have ever seen in my thirty years on the bench. To be honest, I don’t even know how it came to trial. For the past two weeks you have seen a plethora of evidence against Mr. Pleats, the man accused of the abduction of half a dozen cats. You’ve heard from eye witnesses, seen videos, and, at one point the defendant even admitted guilt, saying “alright I did it, I kidnapped all the cats. Are you happy?” Mr. Pleats, on the other hand, fired his court appointed attorney after two days, supplied no witnesses, and had a closing statement that lasted over four hours, which mostly argued for the return of interment camps. As a judge, I am not supposed to give you my opinions one way or the other, but come on. The man stole cats. If you are in there for more then fifteen minutes I am going to be very very disappointed in you. As human beings. So get to it.
Lights come up on a the Jury room. The twelve jurors enter. Some sit, some stand, there’s a few ad libs here and there.
TWELVE takes out a cigarette and starts to light it.
SEVENUh, I don’t think you can smoke in here.
TWELVEHuh!? Smoke?!? Yes!
SEVENNo. No smoking.
TWELVEBut stupid Judge not here! He always says no smoke, but he not here!
SEVENIt doesn’t matter, some of us are asthmatic.
TWELVEHuh?!?
SEVENAsthmatic. In my chest.
TWELVEWith heart. Your heart explode! Boom.
SEVENNo. Ast-
TWELVEEh...
Twelve puts her cigarette away, disgruntled.
ELEVENGum? Gum anyone?
FIVENah, I don’t chew things I can’t swallow.
ELEVENOh yeah, why’s that?
FIVEWhat’s the point of chewing if you ain’t gonna swallow it, ya know? Who am I a cow?
SIXNo one’s sayin’ your a cow.
FIVEI know! I’m just sayin’. Proving a point.
SIXWell he’s just bein’ nice, you don’t have to be such a pain in the ass.
FIVEOh! What a mouth. We’re in an official building here, you can’t just talk like that.
ELEVENOh I’ve heard much worse, believe me. I’m in PR. And I have a this one client, I don’t wanna name drop or anything, but he’s VERY famous. Anyway, the things this guy calls me. Terrible. Always making fun of my genitals, always insulting my heritage, which he thinks is Asian for some reason. Weird, right? I’ve tried to tell him “look man, I’m not Asian.” Still, this guy is relentless. Calls me things like “rice patty” and “ching chong” and “pot sticker.”
THREEPot sticker?
2.
ELEVENIt’s a sex thing. Look it up online. Well don’t! Because its gross. But...do.
FOREMANSo who is it? Someone really famous.
ELEVENNope. Can’t say. I’ll lose my job.
TWELVESam Waterson? Very handsome. Always squinting.
ELEVENWho? The old guy from Law and Order? Pfff...I’m a young gunner baby. No one over 35 that’s my rule.
NINEI like that him. His forehead is very...WHITE. mmmm.
Everyone ignores Nine’s creepy comments.
TWOI’m sorry, I may have uh...missed something. Are you two married?
FIVEOh! What’s that supposed to mean.
SIXWould you calm down. It’s a perfectly innocent question to ask.
FIVEYeah, but I don’t like that tone. You think I’m not good enough for her or somethin’?
TWONo, no, no...I, uh...um....it just seems unusual....that they’d let a married couple on the...same jury. I guess.
SIXIt’s like this. I got a notice in the mail two months ago. Franco sees the letter and is all “Oh! Gia Marie! You can’t do this with out me, you don’t know what these things are like!” And I’m all “What?!? You think I can’t handle a court room with a couple of Boogati lawyers!”
FIVEIts not exactly like that but, you get the picture.
3.
FOREMANSo they just let you on the jury? I thought you needed a summons?
FIVEYeah, I took care of it?
SEVENWhat does that mean?
FIVEDon’t worry about it. I know a guy.
SIXWho Johnny Spigarelli? If you think he has any sort of pull in this you’re dumber than I thought.
FIVEOh! A little respect, huh! There’s no need for that!
THREEWell, maybe now’s a good time to get started. Huh?
TENOh for Goodness sake! Can we fix the temperature in here before we start! I am FREEZING! My ass!
THREEWhoa, okay. I didn’t realize people were that cold.
SEVENIt is cold, isn’t it. I didn’t notice it until I got in here.
TENIt’s probably that air conditioner! Look at it! God Damn Chinese! They don’t mind being shivering in a cramped room. But guess what?!? I do!
THREEAlright, let’s just -
SEVENThe court room had an air conditioner as well, but it did seem warmer in there. I think maybe it was being in the same room as Mr. McAlister that made it warmer.
ELEVENWho? The lawyer?
SEVENYeah, the lead prosecutor. Did anyone else notice it got warmer whenever he was around?
4.
Or how when he spoke your extremities started to tingle? (more to himself)I’m thinking about giving him a call...
TWELVEWho? The man in suit?
SEVENYes the prosecutor.
TWELVEHe’s warm?
SEVENNo, he makes me feel warmer.
TWELVEWhat? With fire! He uses the fire on you. You should not take any gasoline from this mean. Could be bad.
SEVENNo, I didn’t mean that at all.
Beat.
TWELVEI no understand.
THREESo if we could just get everyone at the table, I don’t think this will take too long. Yeah, everyone.
ALLYeah....okay.....fine....I’m coming....yeah yeah yeah....alright....
THREEHey, buddy. We’re gonna get started.
EIGHT, who was staring out the window. Turns around and joins the group.
EIGHTOh. I’m sorry.
ELEVENSo this is kind of a crazy case, huh? Guy stealing cats.
EIGHTAllegedly.
ELEVENRight, yeah, but...I mean, who’s ever even heard of something like that. Its pretty freaky.
5.
TWOIts fairly um...undocumented in uh....the things I’ve read....boy....I do not feel good.
ELEVENYou need to go the bathroom or something?
Two waves him away and pushes on his sides.
FIVEHey! Remember Alf. That guy ATE cats. Remember that?
SIXNo, not really?
FIVEWhat do you mean “no, not really?” Its ALF.
SIXI don’t remember the show! What’s it to you!
FOREMANOkay! Sorry everyone! I just feel like we really should get started. I mean (cockney) no one wants to be here all day! Right?
Everyone nods, ignoring the “accent joke.”
FOREMANSoooo...we can do this a couple of ways. We can talk, if you want, and I’m totally for talking...or...we can take a vote...(Cockney)Right at the tip top of it!
THREEI don’t know, it might just be good to take a vote, to see where we stand?
ALLYeah....okay...sure...okay....yeah.
Four is still texting away on her cell phone.
THREEHey, we’re not supposed to have cell phones in here.
FOUROh no?
THREENo.
6.
Two still keeps texting.
THREESo why don’t you put it away?
FOURTotes. I’m on it.
She continues to text.
THREEMaybe I should call in the Guard.
FOURFINE! Geez didn’t realize my dad was here! Are you going to tell me I can’t date black guys either!
FOREMANAlright, we’re uh...(Cockney) gettin’ a little off track here! So...why don’t we...take a vote shall we?
Everyone nods/murmur agrees.
FOREMANAlright, all those voting guilty?
Three, Seven, Ten, and Twelve put their hands up instantly. The foreman, Two, Four, Five, and Six follow a second later. Then Eleven puts his hand up, and a few seconds later, Nine.
FOREMANOkay. And all those voting not guilty?
Eight’s hand goes up. Everyone looks at him.
TENWhat the hell! Damn it, I outta sock you one in the teeth holder!
THREEWhoa whoa whoa, no. Its alright, we don’t need to resort to violence.
TENWell where does he get off! I’ve got a life Mr! Do you hear me! You’re not better than me!
EIGHTI never said I was.
7.
TENWHAT?!?
THREEOkay! Hey!
SEVENYeah, there’s no need for that, come on.
THREELook I think we can all talk about this civilly. You...think he’s innocent.
EIGHTNo. I’m just not sure. A man’s life is at stake.
THREEWell, no. Not a man’s life. A man’s three to six months is at stake.
EIGHTWhich in prison, can be an eternity.
THREEWell...
TWELVEHow can you not be sure! We see so many things! Video! The witness! The cat napper crying! He guilty! We put him in cage, yes?
FOREMANI don’t think we’re putting him in a cage, are we?
EIGHTI don’t know, I just think these are things we should discuss.
THREENo, we are not putting him in a cage. We don’t need to discuss that. He would go to prison.
ELEVENI thought “cage” was like “code” for prison.
FIVENo, you’re thinking of clink. Or the “slammer.”
SIXOh, that’s a good one.
ELEVENNo, I’m not. Clink isn’t even a word.
8.
FIVEOh! Clink isn’t a word.
THREEI think we’re getting off track here. The point is not if we’re putting the defendant in a “cage,” -
TWELVEWhich I still say 50-50.
THREENo. Not 50-50. 100 percent not going into a cage. He’d be going to prison.
TWELVEMaybe 70 - 30.
THREEThe point is...he (pointing to EIGHT) believes he’s not guilty.
EIGHTI didn’t “say” that. I just raised my hand.
THREEBut...okay. You were the only one to raise your hand for “not guilty.” So...I guess we should talk about that.
ELEVENYeah, why did you do that? Cause I don’t know about you guys but I need to get out of here. Work has been bustin’ my nutter butters.
FIVEYeah, us too! What’s your problem! You know how cranky I get when I don’t eat regularly.
SIXIt’s true, he’s an animal. Every day this week. The temper.
FIVEI have some erratic blood sugar issues. No big deal but it does weigh on me.
EIGHTWell I’m sorry to keep you all here, but I take this very seriously. A man could be sent to prison. For up to six months. That’s a long stretch of time. Some people say he’ll be put in a four by four cage -
THREENo one’s saying that -
9.
EIGHTSome say he’ll be put in prison, I’m not here to debate that.
THREENo one is, just / for the -
EIGHTThe point is, I think we owe it to Mr. Pleats to review the evidence at hand. I think we owe it to him to review the facts. And I think we owe to Mr. Pleats...For Justice!
Eight looks heroically into the horizons.
THREEOkay, I’m not sure that last sentence made a lot of sense but...I think he has a valid point. Reviewing the evidence wouldn’t be a complete waste of time.
ALLAaahhh....geeez....bah....come on.....errr...okay....
FOREMANWell, perhaps we should just go in order of our numbers, talk about why we think he’s guilty...that may be a good way to start discussion.
THREEThat sounds good.
TWOIs anybody else cold?
TENThat’s what I said! I said this already! Crime-En-Nutly no one listens!
SEVENHey. That’s not true, I listened. I responded last time.
TENWell then why don’t you turn off that God damn air blower!
THREEFine! Can we just turn off the air conditioning?
ELEVENDo we really need to turn off the air, I’m feelin’ like this is a pretty good temp all and all.
TENDamn it!
10.
ELEVENHey! If I’m the only one, I’ll live with no air but maybe some people agree with me. Huh? Anyone on board the air conditioner boat.
TWELVEI will be on the boat.
ELEVENNice.
TENOh she doesn’t understand what you’re saying! She’s been talking gibberish all day!
TWELVEHey! You! I go on boat if I want! I’m fine sea-MAN okay! You no tell me this.
TEN..............................He’s not actually talking about a boat! AH!
THREEWe are off track again guys! Okay, can we take a vote. Quickly. All those in favor of turning the air conditioner off, raise your hand.
Jurors Two, Three, Five, Seven, Nine, Ten raise their hands.
THREESix votes turn off. All opposed.
Jurors one, Four, Six, Eleven, Twelve raise their hands.
THREEAnd five against, meaning we leave -
Juror Eight raises his hand.
THREEOh come on! Now your just trying to be difficult!
EIGHTI take offense to that sir!
FOREMANMaybe we should compromise. That way we all win.
TENBut I NEVER want it on!
11.
ELEVENAnd I never want it off chief, but them’s the breaks!
ALLHey....you Wait just....come on....why I outta....this Is absurd.
THREEOKAY! I think the foreman is right. We’ll start with ten minutes on. Then we’ll turn it off for ten minutes. That way none of us will be satisfied, okay? Who wants to be the timer? How about you, you’ve been looking at your phone this entire time.
FOURNo. I’m texting.
THREEBut you have the time at the top of your screen there, right?
FOURYeah, but I never look at it!
THREEWell can you just keep track of it for us.
FOURNO!
NINEI can do it. My watch works juuuuusttt...fine.
THREEFine. Thank you.
FOURSee, creepy guy wants to do it anyway.
Nine drools into his french fry bag.
NINEWhat did you call me!
THREELet’s ...resist the temptation to call people names. Okay?
NINEI’m going to stare at you for a loooong time now...
FOURWhatever.
12.
THREESo now that the air conditioning dilemma has been settled, can we get back to -
FOREMANRight! Let’s (cockney) Jump back in shall we! Okay, let’s just go around and give our reasons for why we think he’s guilty. (To Two) We’ll start with you.
Juror Two stands up.
TWO....okay...um....I’m not great at.....public speaking but...I could give it a try. Um...the prosecution made a lot of good points, the points...he made points, points, poi-
Two stops himself and hits himself in the head.
TWOStop it! You’re being an idiot right now! Stop! um....look We all saw the video!
Two looks at the jurors. They are confused/worried.
TWOI’m sorry, I don’t want to do this anymore.
Two sits back down, rocking nervously in his seat.
Everyone sits for a minute.
EIGHTWell I hardly think that is a good enough reason to put a man -
THREEYeah, okay. That wasn’t a very compelling argument. Look, if you’re done I’ll just go ahead and go over the evidence.
Two nods his head.
THREEGreat. So here’s what we know. Mr. Pleats is accused of stealing half a dozen cats.
TWELVEAh yes. The cats. “Rough rough.”
ELEVENI think you’re thinking of dogs.
13.
TWELVENo, I know dogs! Dogs go “aaaahhh. Mah! Mah! Heeee.” I know dog. And I know cat.
Beat. ?
THREEWell, we’ve seen pictures of these cats, and we have seen a video that shows, in broad day light, the abduction of these cats. We’ve heard from several eye witnesses. One being a police officer. And on top of all that, Mr. Pleats himself admitted he was guilty on the witness stand. So really...our jobs are pretty easy. All evidence points, including his own confession, points to him doing it. And I’m not sure he has a defense of any kind...that I’m aware of.
Everyone around the table nods and murmur-agrees.
EIGHTI don’t know, it doesn’t fit.
ALLWhat?....No....come On....Good God....
THREEEveryone! Come on, let’s....what do you mean it doesn’t fit.
FIVEYeah, you sayin’ you believe his alibi?
SIXYeah, come on! He said he was at the movies and clearly he wasn’t. I mean we saw the tape, it was time coded.
EIGHTSo because we saw a video of Mr. Pleats at one place, clearly means he must of been there.
THREE....yeah.
EIGHTWell I saw a video of an island...a theme park island, where dinosaurs coexist with human beings.
SEVENNo way. They have that?
THREENo he’s trying to prove a point.
14.
EIGHTI’m not proving a point!?! I’ve seen a video where Dinosaurs exist. Therefore they must, according to you.
THREEClearly there is a difference between a Hollywood blockbuster and the video we saw and...Jurassic Park is a complete fabrication.
EIGHTI guess your right. Which is how this picture...IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Eight shows a picture to the Jurors.
TWELVEHe is with Big Lizard! Hey!
ALLHey, let me...I wanna see it....no Way....Come on...
Three grabs the picture.
THREEThis a picture of you at Universal Studios on the “Jurassic Park Ride.” See the frame around it. Its one of those gimmicky...We’re not arguing about this. No one’s denying the validity of the video we saw. Right?
FOURI don’t know. It looked kinda fake to me?
THREEWhat do you mean it looked fake?
FOURIt was just boring, ya know?
THREEBut that doesn’t mean it looked fake?
FOURNo! I mean like...FAKE...BORING.
THREEOkay. Just because something is boring doesn’t mean it’s fake.
FOURYes it does.
THREENo it doe-
15.
FOURWhatever, I just think it could be fake!
THREEOkay, anyone else? Everyone else is on the same page. We all agree it’s not fake.
SIXI don’t know. I mean I think its real but maybe we should see it again.
FIVEWhat! You’re buyin’ this?
SIXNo! Not necessarily! But maybe its worth another look, just so we can prove it’s real. Couldn’t hurt right?
EIGHTYes. Let’s look at it again. A man’s life is on the line.
THREENo. A man’s...stop saying that, he’s not getting the death penalty or life. We’re talking about a three to six month sentence!
EIGHTWhich could be an eternity!
THREE(snapping)
I know! You already made that point!
ALLWhoa...calm down...that’s a little much...too loud...
Beat.
THREEFine. Should we ask the guard to see the tape again?
All murmur, agree yes.
THREEFine.
He walks over to the door, knocks on it. It opens.
THREE(to the guard O.S.)
So, we’d like to see Exhibit C again, if you wouldn’t mind bringing that to us. Thank you.
16.
Three shuts the door and returns.
THREEThe tape is on the way. Is there anything else you want to see?
EIGHTI don’t know. Not at the moment. I want to talk about the witness testimony.
THREEOkay. Who’s?
EIGHTSpecifically the police officers.
THREEOkay, what about it.
EIGHTWell let’s go over it.
TENWhat in Hell-God’s name is this! What are you trying to pull Mr. Huh! What’s got you so cozy for this guy!
EIGHTI’m not cozy with him, I just think we should discuss the witness testimony.
TENI’m not letting you near my animals. Got that! I know what you’re about now!
Ten mimes the “fondeling of genitals.”
THREE(to Eight) I just want to...(to Ten) Wha...what are you doing?
Ten stops miming. Three gives him a look, then moves on.
EIGHTI just want to examine exactly what the police officer said. I don’t see what’s so wrong with that.
THREEAlright. Go ahead.
EIGHTThe police officer arrived at Mr. Pleats house at around 2:45...about forty minutes after the alleged abduction of the cats.
17.
He knocked on the door two times, and then citing probable cause, entered the house where he claims he saw Mr. Pleats throwing the stolen cats over the fence in his back yard.
SEVENThat sounds about right.
EIGHTAnd the abducted cats where never retrieved, correct.
FOREMANNo...but its possible they’re still out there....or were collected by a shelter and not properly identified.
EIGHTRight, there are a number of explanations. That being one of them or...that Mr. Pleats wasn’t throwing cats at all.
Beat.
THREEExcuse me what?
TWOWhat was he....uh...throwing?
EIGHTI don’t know. Stuffed animals.
SEVENYou think he threw stuffed animals over his fence? Wouldn’t the police officer have noticed the cats weren’t real.
ELEVENI mean we’d have to be talking about one really realistic looking cat. Like an exact-
Eight SLAMS A TAXIDERMIED CAT on the table.
ALLWHAT....CAT....HOW THE...WHERE DID...NO....SOMEONE CALL...
TENWhat is this!?! Who do you think you are?!?
FIVEOh! Is that a real cat?
EIGHTIt was!
THREEThis is a taxidermied cat? Why do you have that?
18.
TWELVEThis cat has been taxed? You tax cats?
SEVENNo. Taxidermied.
TWELVEHuh?
SEVENTaxidermied. He’s been...stuffed and preserved?
TWELVEPreserved? Cat is jam.
THREE(moving on)
Why are you carrying around a taxidermied cat?
EIGHTYou said there was no way the cat officer Jensen saw Mr. Pleats throw over the fence could be anything but a real cat. I just showed you how realistic stuffed cats can look.
THREEWhere do you even get a taxidermied cat?
SIXYeah, that’s a little messed up.
EIGHTI got mine on the internet. They’re quiet easy to come by.
TWOYeah but why? That’s really weird.
NINEAnd what did you do with it’s genitals!
EIGHTI pulled out a Taxidermied cat and for a moment, you thought it was real. When the officer saw the defendant throwing cats over the fence...he only saw it for a second. All I’m saying is that its possible.
THREEWhat are you doing? Do you know this guy or something?
EIGHTNo, I just think its worth exploring. I have some doubts.
THREESo you think its possible he was throwing taxidermied cats over the fence. That’s your logical explanation.
19.
EIGHTIts just as logical as throwing alive cats. This is an extraordinary bizarre case, I think there are a lot of possibilities.
TWELVEThis is dumb, no? This guy, his head? It not work no?
THREENo, I don’t think so.
EIGHTAre you saying its impossible?
THREENo, what I’m saying is that I think you’re wasting all of our time. I think you have some fantasy of being a lawyer and I think we should take a vote. With out you (referring to EIGHT).
EIGHTWhat! You can’t do that!
THREEYou’ve had time to try and convince us with your “arguments,” so I say let’s vote with out you. If the vote is still unanimously guilty, than you should stand down. If even one person votes not guilty with out you voting...then you can keep arguing.
ALLyeah...come on...let’s just vote...that’s fair....
EIGHTFine. Vote. If that’s how you all feel...fine.
FOREMANWell if everyone is in agreement, I suggest we (Cockney) Get to it! Perhaps a secret ballot would be best.
THREESounds good to me.
The foreman passes out slips of paper as EIGHT walks over to the window and stares out the window. Everyone writes their vote on a slip of paper and returns it to the foreman.
FOREMANGuilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. (Cockney) That’s Half a dozen guilty’s that is.
20.
THREEJust keep going.
FOREMANGuilty. Guilty. Guilty. (pauses for a moment) Not Guilty. Guilty.
ALLAahhh....No.....come one....Darn It....what....God....
EIGHT(to Three)
YES! In your face! Who’s all alone now?
TENAAAHH SON OF A BITCH! Who did this, huh? I wanna know, who did this?!?
Eleven looks around. No one Moves.
Dramatic curtain. END OF ACT 1
21.
ACT 2
DRAMATIC CURTAIN RISES.
The action resume moments after we last saw them.
TENSeriously, I wanna know!
TWOAH!
THREEWhat?
TWODid...uh...did anyone feel as if time just...stopped or...
TENWhat?
TWOI...nothing...
EIGHTWe agreed this would be a anonymous vote.
THREEHe’s right, we shouldn’t force anyone to -
TENAh! Be a man! Huh?!? Show a little fuzz on your fists.
ELEVENIs that a saying? Do you say that in your regular life?
TENWhat’s it to you, ya commy Hollywood bastard! They should’ve never let you off of the black list! Red is Dead! That’s what I say.
ELEVENWow. That is way too dated to even be offensive.
TENI wanna know! Who voted not guilty! WHO!
He slams his fist on the table. No one says anything.
Then, SIX coughs.
22.
NOTE: THE FOLLOWING SHOULD HAPPEN QUICKLY AND ON TOP OF ON ANOTHER.
TEN(pointing at six)
Ah-ha!
SIX(what?)
Oh!
FIVE(hold on)
Aye!
SEVENHey!
THREEWha?
TWELVE(like goat?)
Baaah?
NINE(the pain)
Errrrgghh.
ELEVEN(bad breath)
Ew.
FOUR(so annoying)
Eehhh
TWO(overwhelmed)
Oooohh
FOREMAN(can we get back on track)
Um...
TWELVEEh? For money!?
Ten slams his fist on the table.
TENHey! Stop making noises. We’re missing the point! She did it! She’s the one who voted guilty!
23.
SIXOH!
FIVEAye!
THREENo! We’re not doing this again. Okay, let’s just...get on with discussing why you changed your vote.
SIXWho says I changed my vote?
SEVENYou did give a suspicious “cough.”
ELEVENIt seemed a little incriminating.
THREESo if you want to talk about it -
NINEThere’s nothing to discuss. She didn’t vote not guilty.
Everyone turns at Nine, as he slowly eats a french fry.
NINEI did.
THREEWhy?
ELEVENYeah, you’ve hardly said anything the entire time, now all of a sudden you’re “Johnny has an opinion.”
SEVENOh. I’ve read that book. It’s good.
FIVEThat’s not a book.
SEVENOh. Then what am I thinking of?
FIVENot sure.
SEVENHuh.
24.
NINEI believe in this man. Sure he’s...got a look about him. His forehead could be a little more...sloped. But, he’s right. This isn’t about...uh...
Nine eats another fry, then slowly licks his finger.
FIVEBuddy, do you have to eat in here?
NINEThis is my food.
FIVEI know but it’s disgusting!
NINEIts the only thing keeping me alive! THAT AND THE LIQUIDS!
THREEOkay! Just...sir! If we take the time to convince you of Mr. Pleats guilt...would you be willing to change your vote.
NINEOf course. What would this world be with out...the power of persuasion. If it wasn’t for persuasion...I would never have a single companion for reading nights at the Library. But I do. Every Sunday. Because I make them.
Nine winks slowly.
Everyone tries desperately to ignore what he just said.
THREE(to Eight)
Well I hope your happy. You’ve convinced the french fry Library creep. You can keep playing your game.
EIGHTThis is not a game! A man’s life is at stake!
THREEIt is not! Would you stop saying that! No one’s life is at stake!
EIGHTThree months is like -!
A knock is hear at the door. The Foreman gets up and opens it.
25.
FOREMAN(to the guard)
Oh, right. Thank you.
The foreman wheels in a TV and DVD player.
FOREMANThe video’s here. Could somebody help me set this up.
Three, and Five help the Foreman move the TV in place, plug it in, etcetera.
Seven and Eleven walk down stage to the water cooler and get a drink.
ELEVENSo what are you thinking? Thinking that guy’s cat “decoy” case makes any sense.
SEVENOh, no way. I’m still thinking about the prosecutor’s closing arguments.
ELEVENOh yeah, that guy was pretty convincing.
SEVENPretty convincing? Try very convincing.
ELEVENYeah...I don’t know. I mean, maybe I could be on board with “taxidermied cat” guy. I mean that was a pretty cool when he like, pulled the cat out of his coat, I was just like “what is going on!?! What? No!” And then, I don’t know, that guy (pointinng to THREE) that’s guy’s so like “let’s look at the facts, mah mah mah, I’m paying attention, pick on me teacher” and stuff. He just seems like a...a “reader” ya know? It’s like, I get it, “envelope” is a really cool word but just say “paper holder thing” so we all know what you’re talking about.
SEVENBut didn’t you think the prosecutor made a really compelling closing argument? I mean, he speaks and you feel like he’s your best friend. And...I just don’t understand how some one could...not see that. He’s just the best and...so funny and kind, ya know?
Eleven nods, not really sure what to say.
ELEVENI mean, I don’t...really understand what your saying but -
26.
SEVENBut basically, I mean, we’re on the same page -
ELEVENWell, not in a literal sense -
SEVENWell right, but -
ELEVENI mean I agree that about some things -
SEVENTotally, that’s what I’m...we’re all about.
ELEVENRight.
Eleven finishes his drink, crumples up his cup and throws it away. Seven does the same.
The TV is now set up.
THREEAlright, we all ready to watch this thing again?
The TV is positioned with its back facing the audience, so we hear the audio but can’t see the video itself.
Three presses play.
BRAD (O.S.)Hello. And welcome to the Lucas family yard sale extravaganza.
SHELLY (O.S.)Oh, God. Brad, can you put that stupid thing away and help me.
TWELVEAh! This is the worst movie. All they do is mwa mwa mwa. Is awful.
THREEThe point of this is not to be entertained. This is evidence. Not a movie.
TWELVEYes. Movie! This movie has no tigers! How can movie be good with out Tigers?!?
27.
ELEVENShhh! This is important!
TWELVEEh. I need smoke? Is okay if I smoke?
SEVENNo.
TWELVEBut what if I blow smoke out of side of mouth. Pfff, like that? Is fine then.
SEVENNo. That’s not any better.
TWELVEBut I use side of mouth! Pff! See. It goes that way!
ALLNo!
TWELVEBruishnick - Mot! Ah!
THREEAlright, here it comes.
BRAD (O.S.)And the final item for sale is...the litter of Ms. Abigail Mumsy! Look at all the cutesy baby kittens!
SIXDoes anyone else think its weird he gave his cat a first AND last name?
ALLYeah....uh-huh....little weird...very....oh yeah....
NINEIt’s only unusual if the cat walks on two legs. That’s how you know...that’s how....mmmmerrmmm....
BRAD (O.S.)Alright, looks like we have our first customer...it’s Harold...from down the block.
MR. PLEATS (O.S.)It’s Donald! Donald Pleats! I tell you this every time!
BRAD (O.S.)Oops! My bad! Any who, welcome to the Yard Sale! Lookin’ for anything in particular?!?
28.
MR. PLEATS (O.S.)Um...maybe the chair, in the way back there.
BRAD (O.S.)Chair? Honey, do we have a chair for sale back here?
SHELLY (O.S.)No. We’re not selling any chairs. Not back here or...is he...is Harold talking Mumsy’s kittens?
BRAD (O.S.)Uh, Harold....those cats are for sale. Are you interested in -
SHELLY (O.S.)He’s running to his car! Oh my God, he’s stealing them!
BRAD (O.S.)Harold! Harold give us those kittens! Harold!
MR. PLEATS (O.S.)My name is Donald Pleats! I told you! My name is Donald Pleats!
The sound of a car driving away is heard.
They video ends. The foreman stops the tape. They sit for moment.
Three looks to Eight.
THREEWell?
EIGHTWhat?
THREEYou’re the only one who has a problem with this?
EIGHTAs you’ll recall, I’m not the only person that has a problem with sending a potentially innocent man to jail.
NINEHello.
Eight gives Nine a high five. Nine holds on for a little too long, but then lets go.
29.
EIGHTAnd I may not have a problem with this evidence just because I’ve had doubts about other elements of the prosecution’s case.
THREEGood, so we’re all in agreement that this is definitive evidence of Mr. Pleats guilt.
EIGHTNot quiet.
THREEOh, come on.
SEVENYou just said you didn’t have a problem with the video.
EIGHTI said I may not have a problem with it. By saying may it also implies the exact opposite.
THREEAlright, can you just get on with it then.
Eight stands up and paces around the room.
EIGHTI would like to show you a different video, if I could. One that takes you away to an extraordinary land...where dinosaurs WALK with men.
Everyone groans.
THREEAre you making the argument that the video we just watched was some how...computer generated. Because if that’s where you’re going with this I think we can all agree...that’s preposterous.
EIGHTI....no, I’m not trying to prove that.
THREEGood.
EIGHTOr, I guess I should say, I may not be trying to prove that.
All groan again.
EIGHTIf I may.
30.
Eight goes to put the DVD in the DVD player.
FOURIs this the new Twilight movie?
TWOUh...no. I think it’s, uh...Jurassic Park.
FOURJurassa what?
SEVENJurassic Park. One of the highest grossing movies of all time. Steven Spielberg.
FOURSpielberg. Ew, sounds ugly and Jewish. Je-ugly.
TWOUh...he’s not ugly -
FOURJust tell me when Taylor Lautner comes on.
TWOBut he’s not in this -
FOURYeah, but just tell me, okay?!?
TWOAh...okay...yeah.
EIGHTOkay, now I want you all to pay close attention to the clip. Especially...to the dinosaur.
Eight presses play.
From the video we hear A T-REX roaring, and various people screaming. This plays for only about five or ten seconds.
EIGHTNow I don’t expect you to believe that this dinosaur is real.
TWELVENo. Is too LOUD. Real life, it hiss. SSSSSS! Is tricky in that way.
31.
EIGHTSure. But what I do want to point out, is that this movie used two types of special effects to create the T-Rex. Most of the shots were done with an animatronic, life sized replica. Like the one in this picture. The rest of the shots involving dinosaurs used digital animation, created by George Lucas’s Industrial Light and Magic. The clip I showed you was an example of the life sized replica. Are we all in agreement?
All murmur, yes, and nod.
Eight points to three, as if to say “I want to hear you say it too.”
THREEYeah, I agree.
EIGHTWrong! The clip we just saw was a mix of both digital and practical effects. The first five seconds were of the animatronic Dinosaur, and the last ten, when the dinosaur starts running, were digitally created. Observe.
Eight plays the clip again.
FIVEOh yeah. The colors kinda different once he starts moving.
SIXWhat’ll they think of next. Uh, those men and they’re computers.
SEVENIf you think that’s impressive, you should see what they can do with video games these days. I’ve been designing -
TENSon of a...bitch! No one wants to hear about your computers! Ever!(to Eight) Where is this going!
EIGHTThe point is that no one here could tell the difference between a computer generated Dinosaur, and life size replica.
THREESo therefor, what? Mr. Pleats was computer animated. That’s your suggestion?
EIGHTMaybe.
32.
THREEBy who? Who would computer animate Donald Pleats, just to use it against him in a cat napping case.
FIVECat napping! Hey! How come no one used that phrase before! That’s funny!
EIGHTAll I’m suggesting is that its something to think about it.
FIVEIs no one gonna jump on board this cat napping thing?
THREEOkay, let’s think about it. In order to computer animate a COMPLETELY REALISTIC person, something that has never been successfully done before, you would need access to...many computers, the best animators in the world, and enough money to pay for it all.
EIGHTI agree. To create something that realistic you would need George Lucas himself to do it for you.
THREEYes, exactly!
EIGHTBOOM!
Eight takes out a newspaper clipping out of his pocket.
EIGHTA picture in the local McKena County newspaper of Brad Lucas, the plaintiff, with his arm around his cousin...GEORGE.
Three looks at the picture, surrounded but Five, Six, Eleven, and Ten.
FIVEOh! I didn’t know Brad Lucas and George Lucas were cousins! I thought it was just a common last name.
ELEVENOh, you know what I think I heard something about this.
THREENo, please stop supporting this -
33.
ELEVENNo, I read it. In Variety. There was an article that said like, George Lucas was determined to digitally animate the most realistic looking human being ever. He’s been working on it for months.
THREESo this is how he chooses to unveil it! By secretly framing his cousin’s neighbor as a cat burglar.
FIVEHey! I thought we were calling him the cat-napper. That was good right?
ELEVENWell the Pleats guy said that the Lucas’s hated him, right? Maybe they like...asked his cousin George to help frame him. I mean he’s got time. There’s hasn’t been a new Star Wars in years.
THREEDo you realize how insane this sounds. Did you just listen to what you said?
ELEVENYeah. I did. Kind of. And I’m not sure I appreciate your tone. I’m aloud to have an opinion same as you smart guy.
THREEFine.
ELEVENI made three Hundred K last year in PR and I can barely read! Who’s a dummy now?
EIGHTHey, you know what, there’s no need to be uncivil here. Let’s get back to the case. A man’s life is at stake.
Three points his finger sternly.
EIGHTIn my opinion. Okay? A man’s life is at stake in my opinion. Does that make it okay?
THREENo. It doesn’t. You are...okay. What about the corroborating witnesses?
ELEVENThere he goes again, with his tenth grade English. “Corroborating.” Uh! Got any other big words show off? Huh? Like “Triniticate?” Or “Blamcampy?”
34.
THREEThose are not words.
ELEVENThere he goes again! The nerve!
THREEThe neighbors across the street. Mr. And Mrs. Hurwitz. Who said they heard Mr. Pleats say “My name is Donald Pleats.” And then by the time they got to the front yard, SAW Mr. Pleats drive away in his car.
TWOThat’s true. They heard him say “My name is Donadl Pleats” and the same time as...uh...on the video... ooooohhh....okay...just....
Two puts his head between his legs and breaths heavily.
FIVEWhat? You gonna pass out or something.
TWONo, I...my therapist said this would be a good experience for me to....stand up for myself...and speak in publll...
Two looks like he might vomit, but controls himself. He takes deep breaths.
SIXWell you don’t have to speak now. If you’d rather -
TWONo! I have....something...eAAAAHHH! I can contribute! (pointing to Eight) JUST LIKE YOU!!! EHHH!!
Two takes very deep breaths. He hits the table with his fists.
THREEShould we take a break?
TWONO! JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! I’M MAKING....AN ARGUMENT.....OOWWWW!
Two puts his head between his legs and heaves like a crazy person. Everyone waits.
35.
TWOI was going to say...that’s true...the Hurwitz’s heard Donald Pleats say...”My name is Donald Pleats,”...at the same time....as he said it...in...the....video.
Two takes a moment and looks around.
TWOThat wasn’t very good was it.
FIVEGeez. That was it? That was a lot of build up, you know.
Two starts crying.
SIXWould you stop it already!
FIVEWhat? He didn’t really say much.
SIX(To Two) That was a very well thought out argument, thank you for sharing. Thank him everyone!
Six starts clapping. Everyone else does half hardedly.
Two nods a thank you. Still trying to get himself together.
THREE(moving on)
So...we agree that the Hurwitz’s heard him say “My name is Mr. Pleats,” at exactly two O’clock? Right?
SEVENThat’s right. He said he looked at his watch and it was two O’clock on the nose. Then he and his wife walked from the backyard to the front yard and saw him drive away.
SIXAnd Mr. Hurwitz said that they both got a good look at him.
THREEAnd on the video, the time log at the right hand corner clearly says the time was 2:00..
EIGHTMaybe they misheard him. Maybe he didn’t say “My name is Donald Pleats!” Maybe they mistook it for something else.
FIVEWhadya mean somethin’ else?
36.
EIGHTMaybe he heard something like, “Isn’t that neat!” Or “you sure have big feet!” He was far enough away, its possible he misheard.
THREEYeah I’m sure some one was yelling “you sure have big feet!” That completely changes this case.
EIGHTDo we have a diagram of the Hurwitz property.
ELEVENNo. Why?
EIGHTI’m just wondering how long it would take someone to walk all the way from the back yard to the front yard. Does anyone know where the house is located.
FOREMANI think they said they lived in McKenna County, right off of Claremont, right?
FIVEYeah, that’s right, I gotta cousin who just moved there?
SIXWhat? Since when?
FIVEI dunno. Two weeks ago. Tommy-John. I went over Sunday to watch the game.
SIXTommy-John moved to McKenna County and I wasn’t invited?!?
FIVEIt was just a few guys! Relax, will ya!
SIXOh I’ll relax. Next time you see Tommy-John, you let him know...we are going to have words.
FIVEOh, yeah, you’ll have words alright.
EIGHTI...sorry, you’ve been there?
SIXOh he’s been there. He and his little boy friends building forts and drinkin’ beer. Ask him anything about the neighborhood.
37.
FIVEIn front of all these people, this is how you act?
EIGHTDo you remember the distance from the back yard to the front yard.
FIVEMmm...sixty feet, give or take. And it’s a track community so the back yards from one house to the next are near identical.
EIGHTGreat. So...let’s say they were in the very front of the back yard....what would you say, forty feet?
FIVEYeah.
EIGHTBut they probably didn’t get all the way to the front yard to see Mr. Pleats in his car. So we could say they only traveled...twenty feet. Is that fair?
ELEVENMore than fair.
THREEWhat is the point of this?
EIGHTThe Hurwitz said they heard a man say “My name is Mr. Pleats.” And by the time they got to the front yard they saw him driving away. Now according to the video, the time he said “My name is Mr. Pleats,” and the time in which he drove away was roughly...ten seconds, yes?
TWOThat seems about right, yeah?
EIGHTWell let’s test it, here in the room.
THREECan we...you’re wasting our time, you know that? Some of us have lives to go and if its still only you and French fry guy...
ELEVENI’m in. I change my vote.
THREEOh, come on! I didn’t mean to insult you earlier.
38.
ELEVENHey! Who said I’m basing my vote on a petty grudge. His picture of George and Brad Lucas convinced me, okay!?! So shut up and sit down before your stupid poop mouth says anything else!
Three sits down, frustrated.
Eight walks foot over foot from one end of the room to the other.
EIGHTAbout Twenty feet from one side of the room to the other. Perfect. Why don’t we just see. Two of us can walk from one side of the room to the other, and see if it actually took ten seconds. Does some one volunteer to be Mrs. Hurwitz with me?
The Foreman shoots up her hand.
FOREMANOh! I...if no one else minds, I’ve been taking improv classes at the Y. Working on developing a few (cockney) Crazy characters, I have! Unless...anyone else wants to -
EIGHTNo, you’d be perfect. I think we’ve all been charmed by your “cooky old British woman voice” you’ve been doing today.
The Foreman is beaming. Everyone else looks down at their shoes.
FOREMANWell thank you! Thank you very much. Its still a work in progress but...thank you.
The Foreman move to one end of the room with Eight.
EIGHTAlright, ready?
FOREMANNow, just so were on the same page. Mr. And Mrs. Hurwitz are an elderly couple, and we’re in there backyard and we start moving once we hear “My name is Donald Pleats!”
EIGHTOr “isn’t that neat!”
THREEWhy don’t we stick with “My name is Donald Pleats.” Yeah?
39.
EIGHTFine. Does anyone have a watch, or a cell phone with timer.
TWO(pointing to Four)
She has a cell -
FOURNo, I’m not gonna do it, I’m watching Kittens fall off tables on Youtube.
THREEAlright, you know what, you’re supposed to be paying attention, why don’t you put that away.
FOURNo! I can do two things at once.
THREEWhy don’t you just -
FOURWhy don’t you just mind your own Biz. God! This guy is totally raping my privacy.
ELEVENTell me about it.
NINEI still have a perfectly good watch...with one of those hands...the kind of hand we need for something like this.
Beat.
THREEA second hand?
NINE(angrily)
The kind we need.
EIGHTThat works for me. So are we all set? When you give the signal, somebody yell “My name is Mr. Pleats” and we’ll start walking. Sound good?
FOREMANGreat. Um...if you wouldn’t mind, could I just take a minute...to prepare. Just a quick vocal warm up or two.
THREEAren’t you just walking from one end of the room to the other.
40.
FOREMAN(getting flustered)
Yes, but...in order to properly portray Mrs. Hurwitz...I haven’t done my vocal warm ups in a week and -
EIGHTSure, sure. No problem. Please, take your time.
The Foreman starts a series of bizarre vocal warm ups. Everyone attempts to ignore her.
Three goes to the water cooler and gets a drink. Ten quickly follows him.
TENHey.
THREEAh. Hey, what?
TENI think we need a back up plan. This guy (referring to Eight) is really trying to pull a number on us. Never trust a Polack when it comes to the law. That’s what I say.
THREEHow do you know he’s Polish?
TENI could smell it on his breath. The Polack women, they don’t...clean themselves properly.
THREECan you just...try and keep your prejudices to yourself, okay?
TENGod damn it! This is America! I can say ANYTHING I WANT!
Three looks around, everyone is looking at them. He pulls three away.
THREE(whispering)
Well, be that as it may, just try and keep it to yourself okay. I think we can win them back but, we don’t want to offend them.
TENFine will try it your way. But if things get desperate.
41.
Ten makes a fist. He then “mimes” punching into someone’s chest and ripping a heart out. He then crushes the heart. Then he licks his fingers.
Three doesn’t know how to respond.
THREEI’ll get them back. Just please...don’t offend anyone and...don’t do that.
Three and ten go back to their seats.
EIGHTSo are we ready to see this re-enactment?
Everyone nods and murmur agrees.
EIGHT(to Nine)
Just let us know when you’re ready.
Nine looks at his watch, he point his finger in the air. Then, for what seems like an eternity, he slowly points his finger at Eight and Foreman.
NINEYes.
Beat. No one says anything for a few moments.
THREEWait, are we starting, is no one going to...”My name is Mr. Pleats.”
This re-enactment is very shmactily done. Both Eight and Foreman are doing broad impressions of an elderly couple.
EIGHTOh, Barabara, my Shpilkiz! We better go and see what all this yelling is about?
FOREMANYou just stay there Harold. What with your heart? Dr. Mayfield said you need to rest. You’ve been pushing yourself to hard.
EIGHTNonsense! I’m as healthy as I’ve ever been. Hold on to my arm we’ll go together.
42.
THREEThis is ridiculous, can we -
ELEVENShhh! I’m trying to pay attention.
Eight and Foreman begin slowly walking to one side of the room.
FOREMANI hope it isn’t the gangs. We left the city to get away from such non-sense. What if they followed us here?
EIGHTThen we’ll start a neighborhood watch. We’ve been running our whole lives. From your parents, from the city. I’m tired. I want my last few years to be in peace. In one solid place.
FOREMANBut what if things get bad.
Eight stops walking.
EIGHTBarbara, can I tell you something?
THREEWhy are you stopping?!? Don’t stop, that’s the whole point!
ELEVENWould you be quiet, nobody interrupts you when you speak!
EIGHTThese past few years have been tough on us. I know that. You know that. But if I didn’t believe, with every fiber in my being, that we weren’t doing the right thing. I would take us back to the two bedroom apartment in a heart beat.
FOREMANYou know Gerald, from the first moment I met you I knew you were the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I knew it wouldn’t always be easy, that there would be good times and bad times. But I never doubted you. I never doubted.
EIGHTYou’re my little bupkis you know that?
THREEOh God.
ALLShhhhh!
43.
EIGHTShall we go see about this yelling?
FOREMANYes. Let’s...together.
They hold hands and continue to walk. FINALLY, they reach the wall, the distance they needed to travel.
EIGHTTime. How long?
NINEAbout....four Minutes.
FIVEWhoa! Four minutes, now that’s something.
TWODoes anyone mind if I use the bathroom real quick?
SEVENHe couldn’t have possibly seen him drive away, Mr. Pleats would’ve been long gone by that time.
FIVEThey must of been lying!
THREENo, no, no.
SIXI don’t know, you think it really...
TWOSo I’m just gonna go, cool?
Two exits the room.
EIGHTAt the very least it shows there’s doubt. It proves maybe they were lying.
THREEThat was the worst re-enactment I’ve ever seen. I mean my God how is everyone believing this! Look, I’ll show you how long it takes to walk across the room.
Three goes, Eight stops him.
EIGHTWhat is your problem? You just want to see Mr. Pleats fry, don’t you.
44.
THREEHE’S NOT GOING TO FRY! Nobody even uses the electric chair anymore. STOP TRYING TO SWAY THESE PEOPLE!
EIGHTYou’re a sadist! You wanna punish this man! You enjoy seeing pain brought upon people! You’re the one who should be in jail! You’re the one!
THREEOh I am! Me! Isn’t that just amazing! By the time these deliberations are over, you’ll have them accusing me of stealing the cats. Isn’t that neat!
EIGHTMaybe you did!
Three lunges at Eight, they hold him back.
Two enters the room.
SEVENCome on guys, everyone just calm down. Let’s just think about this.
TWOWhat’s going on?!? Are we re-enacting part of the case again?
SIXNo. They’re fighting, what are you talking about?
TWO(pointing at Three)
But didn’t he just say “My name is Mr. Pleats.”
A dramatic beat. Three sits down and rubs his temples. Eight stands over him, a cocky punk.
EIGHTNo. He didn’t. He said “Isn’t that neat.”
Eight leans in, staring at Three.
EIGHTAnd I guess from a ways away, it could be mistaken for “My name is Mr. Pleats.” I guess maybe...it could.
Freeze. A dramatic curtain.
END OF ACT 2
45.
ACT 3
The Curtains dramatically rise again.
EIGHTWell isn’t that interesting?
TWOAh! Again...did anyone...
THREE(muttering)
Here we go.
TWO(to himself)
That is so weird.
EIGHTHe heard you say “My name is Donald Pleats?” when what you really said was “isn’t that neat.” But I thought no one could possibly mistake “isn’t that neat,” for “my name is Donald Pleats.”
FIVEYeah, I don’t know, maybe that proves it.
TWOI swear, I wasn’t trying to sway the...vote one way or -
ELEVENI think we should take another vote. See where things stand.
THREEWhy does that even matter? If his argument is that Mr. Pleats wasn’t even there, that he was “computer generated,” then the Hurwitz’s wouldn’t have heard anything.
EIGHTMaybe it does matter, or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe they heard something maybe they didn’t. Maybe he was computer generated and maybe he wasn’t. All I’m saying is that there is doubt.
THREEBut is there reasonable doubt! Is it reasonable doubt to assume that Donald Pleats was computer generated by George Lucas in a conspiracy to put him in jail.
FIVEYeah, it does sound kind of crazy when you say it like that.
ELEVENThey’re cousins! The neighborhood hated him. I say it’s possible.
46.
EIGHTLet’s vote, we’re not going to get anywhere until we vote this out. Foreman.
FOREMANYes. I’ll start it off. (Cockney) Not Guilty!
EIGHTDelightful as always.
The foreman blushes. Three rolls his eyes.
TWOUmmmmm....Guilty.
THREEGuilty.
FOURGuilty.
FIVENot guilty.
SIXGuilty.
SEVENGuilty.
EIGHTNot guilty.
NINENot guilty.
TENGuilty!
ELEVENNot guilty.
TWELVENot guilty.
FOREMANThat’s six to six.
They all groan.
THREE(to twelve)
Do you even understand what’s going on?
47.
TWELVEYes! How dare! I see everything you say!
THREEThen how can you vote not guilty.
TWELVEI hear wrong thing through door! I see old people walking! I see the dinosaur! It wrong dinosaur but it look real! I don’t know, the movie is no good. The movie is Boring. If Sam Waterson in it, maybe good, but NO! No Sam Waterson! No tigers! Is no good! No!
Three rubs his face. A lost cause.
THREEI say we go to the judge and say we’re a hung jury. Maybe the next group of Jurors won’t be so easily persuaded.
ELEVENThere he goes again with that smart guy face and big words that don’t make any sense. Maybe I’ll “persuade” you a new face!
FIVEYeah, what makes you so great!
NINEAnd what’s wrong with your forehead! Clean it up.
THREESeriously, I’ve had it, can we tell the judge we’re a hung jury?
SEVENWell maybe some of us want to talk about it more.
ELEVENNo, this guy is so full of himself he’d never listen to someone else’s argument. Go ahead! Let him do it.
TWELVEIf he do it, can we smoke?
FOREMANI say let’s take another vote? All those in favor of telling the judge we’re a hung Jury, say aye. All opposed say nay. I will start. Nay!
TWOUm....aye.
THREEAye.
48.
FOURWhatever.
THREENo. You have to vote?
FOURWhat will end this faster.
EIGHTNay will.
THREEDon’t -
FOURNay.
THREENo, you don’t have to -
FOURI said Nay! NAY!
FIVEAye.
SIXAye.
SEVENNay.
EIGHTNay.
NINEAye.
THREEReally? I thought you were with him (pointing to eight).
NINEI am but...I have my reasons for wanting a hung Jury.
THREEWell, would you mind sharing them with the rest of us?
NINEMmmm...
Nine eats another fry slowly.
49.
NINEIt’s personal.
THREEWell I’m just having a hard time trying to understand your logic.
NINEMmmm...fine, I’ll tell you but only you. Then you can tell everybody else. If you want.
THREEFine.
Three walks over to Nine.
NINECome closer.
THREEYou can’t tell me from here.
NINENo...closer.
Three leans his in.
NINECloser.
Three leans in so their heads are almost touching. Nine starts whispering to Three, his lips touching his ear. When he finishes, he pets Three’s cheek.
THREEAlright, I’m not going to share that with everyone. That’s disgusting.
NINEIt’s how I feel!
THREEWell its disgusting. He...let’s just keep voting who’s next?
TENAy.
ELEVENNay.
TWELVESmoke.
50.
THREEThat is not a vote.
TWELVEBut which one means smoke.
SEVENNeither! You will not get to smoke in here.
TWELVEBut what if I say magic phrase.
ALLNo!
TWELVEUh! Biz-sphat! Nay!
TENOh sweet Jesus!
FOREMANIts six to six.
THREEThis is pathetic! We can’t even decide if we should call ourselves a hung jury.
SIXI don’t know why this surprises you! We couldn’t even decide on the air conditioning.
FOREMANYes we did! You haven’t been doing your job and reminding us to turn the air conditioner off every ten minutes!
NINEI’ve been occupied!
FOREMANWith what?
NINENone of your business!
EIGHTYou know what? I think we need a break. Why don’t we take five. Get some fresh air, make phone calls, whatever you need to do, take five and when we come back, let’s try and really nail this thing down.
THREEYeah.
51.
EIGHTSound good?
Everyone mutters/ad libs yes. And scatter about the room. Twelve, Eleven, and Three leave to smoke/call somebody. Seven and Eight mosey over to the water cooler down stage.
EIGHTHell of a trial, huh?
SEVENBoy you can say that again. I’ve never even been to court, let alone on a Jury like this.
EIGHTReally?
SEVENNope. No, but it’s...exciting. I just wish...that the uh... prosecutor could be in here with us. I mean, I know we’ll see him again, when we give our verdict. And I’m sure after the trial, there will be plenty of time for us to, you know, hang out. Play War Craft online, or whatever, but....I just think it would be more fun if he were here.
EIGHTHaving a lawyer in the room, does certainly make things more exciting. I’ll give you that.
Beat.
EIGHTI was a lawyer once.
SEVENReally?
EIGHTHmmmm...well legally, according to several definitions...its a grey area. Did I pass the bar? No. Have I argued cases in public court, Yes. Does arguing against parking tickets successfully make you a lawyer...I don’t know. I guess you could call me more...lawyerish.
Beat.
SEVENThat’s, uh...well I think that’s pretty impressive.
EIGHTThank you.
52.
SEVENVery...much so.
Beat.
SEVENSay, uh...you don’t like...hanging out, or playing World of War Craft do you?
EIGHTNo.
Beat. ouch.
EIGHTI love it.
Seven is beaming.
Three, Eleven, and Twelve enter the room. Three is still on the phone.
ELEVENAlright, we ready to dive back into this thing.
Everyone sits around the table and waits for Three to get off the phone.
THREE(into the phone)
Uh, huh, well I’ll pay you, obviously...I...don’t know, I thought I’d be home by now. Okay, well no later than eight. Thank you.
Three hangs up the phone.
THREESorry, uh...baby-sitter. I thought I’d be out by now.
EIGHTWe all thought we’d be out by now, but time does not wait in black and white.
Everyone nods there head.
THREEOh come on. That didn’t make any sense.
FOREMANSo, where were we?
SEVENWell we were just talking about World of War Craft
53.
FIVEWhat is that, like, Goblins and stuff.
SEVENYes! And orks, and gaming strategy!! Have you played it?
FIVENah. I don’t do that.
ELEVENOh its not as bad as it sounds. We play it at the office all the time. My Avatar is a six foot dragon named “Big Deal.”
TWELVEHa! Dragon not so big when up close? Who’s with me?
THREEI’m going to stop this conversation right now...if you don’t mind, I would like to go over what we’ve discussed so far.
EIGHTIf I may.
THREENo, you may not.
EIGHTExcuse me, we all have the right to talk.
THREENo, I want to hear from everyone! Everyone, for themselves, before you start flapping your gums and making ridiculous arguments!
SIX(extremely insulted)
Whoa! You just watch it there pal! You think you can just say something like that and its okay!
Everyone takes a moment. Is she offended?
SIXYou think because of my feminine nature I won’t leap across this table and rip the hair straight from your scalp? You don’t talk about someone like that.
FIVEGia Marie, come on, he didn’t know.
SIXIn this day and age he thinks he can just insult the loose gummed like that! Uh!
54.
THREEThe loose-gummed?
SIXYeah! The loose gummed?!? The Braspatalianos come from a long line of loose gummed people. Our gums literally flap about when we speak, or eat! My great grandmother Braspataliano came over from the old country, she couldn’t find a job. They called her “Marie the sloppy gummed gypsy.” Said her flapping gums would interfere with her sewing!
TWOHow would that get in the way of her sewing?
THREEI’m sorry, I...literally have never heard of loose gums being a...slur or stereotype of any kind. And I...obviously would have never said that had I known. I thought it was just an expression.
EIGHTYou “never” would have said it. Sounds likes your pretty sure of yourself.
THREEOf course I’m sure.
EIGHTBut just yesterday when Donald Pleats was on the stand you said to me, and I quote, “I wish he would stop flapping his gums already.”
Beat. Six gives him the death stare.
THREEYeah, but...that doesn’t prove anything.
EIGHTIt proves doubt!
THREENo it doesn’t! I said I wouldn’t have said that if I had known. I didn’t know yesterday! What does that prove?!?
EIGHTDoubt. To me it proves doubt.
SIXYeah me too.
THREENo it...you’re just mad at me. It doesn’t prove doubt.
55.
SIXOh! Because all us loose gummed people don’t understand abstract concepts. I guess you’re right. How could a mush mouth like me possibly understand what your saying.
Three is livid. He stares at Eight.
EIGHTDoubt.
THREEI am going to -
FOURThis is so stupid.
ELEVENWhat’s so stupid?
FOURThis...you guys...you’re acting like a bunch of stupid babies.
THREEWhat do you mean?
FOURYou know how like, when you see a baby their just so stupid. Like how there always crying and stuff. And you can be like “baby! Stop crying! You’re being so annoying right now! Stop!” And you shake them and they won’t stop! They just keep crying, cause they don’t understand anything. They’re just too stupid. Stupid babies.
ELEVENI totally know what you mean.
THREENo, I didn’t mean “why do you think babies are stupid?” I meant, “What’s so stupid about what we’re arguing about?”
Four slams down her phone.
FOURWho cares if Donald Pleats was a cartoon, or if the neighbors heard anything or not. He confessed. He said he did it. Right?
ALLOh yeah...yeah...geeze....right....darn it....oh....yes....
56.
FOURSo who cares. If he said he did it then he did it. End of story. Let’s all vote guilty and go. I’m so tired of this stupid trial. Uh...
They all sit. Good point.
FIVEIt’s true, we completely forgot about the confession.
SIXI guess we just blew right over it. I got so caught up in the dinosaurs and what not.
EIGHTNow wait just a second -
ELEVENHe’s got a point, chief. Look I’m no fan of “big words Magee” over here.
SIXNeither am I, but not because of the words so much. More because of the ethnic slurs.
ELEVENBut we completely overlooked the fact that he confessed.
EIGHTWell, he didn’t confess -
THREEOh boy, here we go again.
EIGHTNow hold on a sec. If he confessed, there wouldn’t have been a trial. If he confessed...we wouldn’t be here -
THREEOkay, I get where this is going.
EIGHTWe wouldn’t be...here! But here we are! We are here so therefore -
THREEHe didn’t really confess! Right! He’s a ventriloquist! Or there was a hidden speaker! What insane idea are you going to push down these peoples’ throats.
EIGHTI resent that implication sir. We all deserve the right to a fair trial.
57.
THREEHe had a fair trial! It lasted two weeks! What is your problem!?
EIGHTI believe in justice! I never had a fair trial, so Donald at least should!
Beat. What?
EIGHTI mean...
THREEYou...you never had a fair trial.
ELEVENYeah, buddy, what did you mean by that?
FOURHe meant he has like, “lawyer issues.” He had a bad trial or whatever.
SEVENIs that true?
EIGHTNo.
ELEVENYou were just using us! You manipulated us because what, you had a bad trial experience or something.
SEVENHey! Leave him alone! He’s a lawyerish.
FIVEOh! A what?
THREEWhat happened? Just tell us, so we can put this whole thing behind us. What thing happened to you that made you want to set this man free? Were you a lawyer?
TWELVELawyer? With Tiger?
ELEVENWhat? No. Lawyer!
TWELVEEh?
58.
ELEVENNever mind. Go on?
Beat.
EIGHTYes, I was, or almost was. I...I was working for a lawyer. His name was Jonathan Aldridge, he was a trial lawyer for Putnam and Putnam...a big firm in Eastern Rhode Island. It was a murder trial. And the day of closing arguments, Roland J. Putnam got the flu. He asked me to do the closing arguments. So I did. And I was good. Man was I was good. The Jury was crying. The judge was crying. The stenographer...was crying. I was going to save a man’s life. But the Jury deliberated, and apparently, because there was “a ton” of “hard” evidence that our client was in fact...guilty... videos, eye witnesses, etcetera...they sent him away. And he’s still there. The next day I was so distraught from the loss that I...failed the bar exam. And I never tried again.
Eight walks over to the window.
EIGHTSome days...I think about that man. I think about sitting in prison, and I swore to myself...if I ever got the chance...if I ever was on Jury...I would make sure it never happened again. It would never...
Eight buries his face into his hands. Everyone’s silent for a moment.
THREEWell...I’m glad you told us. Here.
Three brings him to his chair and hands him a tissue.
THREESo...all of this, the Dinosaur defense, the conspiracy theories...this was all to make up for that case you lost.
EIGHTYes...I...lead you all astray. I...wanted Donald Pleats to be innocent so badly I....manipulated all of you. I did it. This, is my confession.
Beat. Everyone takes it in.
THREEWell the important thing is -
EIGHTOr, I should say, this...may...be my confession.
59.
ALLWhat?...No...he’s good...who....wait, what?....huh....
EIGHTI’ve never been even been to Rhode Island, I’ve never tried a criminal case and my reasons for dropping out of law school had to do with a drug problem. Ladies and Gentlemen! What you just saw was a “confession.” Filled with real emotion and tears. You all believed it, I really said it, and yet...it was a complete fabrication.
FIVEI’m done, that was very good.
SIXHe’s good, he’s very good.
SEVENI’m switching my vote too. I’m really impressed with his ability to make an argument and the thought of actually getting to hang out with him is very exciting for me.
THREEBut what does that even prove!? Why would Donald Pleats falsely indite himself! Why!
FOURI dunno, he was pretty weird.
THREENo, not you too!
FOURWhat?!? I can vote however I want! God!
THREEBut you were the one that brought up the confession -
FOUROH MY GOD THIS IS SO BORING I JUST WANT IT TO END! I JUST WANT IT TO END! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
THREESo this is really happening, everyone’s believing the “computer generated, neighborhood conspiracy, man falsely confesses to his own crime because he’s weird,” defense.
FIVEWe’re just sayin’ its possible.
ELEVENYeah. Could be, couldn’t be. That’s all we’re sayin.
60.
THREEBut that’s not a reasonable defense!
NINESays who? You, the guy with the strangely shaped forehead! Is that anymore reasonable?
TWELVEYes. Big man who doesn’t let us smoke?!? Who made you so big.
THREEEVERYONE SAID YOU CAN’T SMOKE! EVERYONE!
TWELVEBUT YOU SAID IT THIRD! YOU DID! ADMIT YOU SAID IT THIRDLY!
TENI HAVE had enough! ENOUGH!
Ten slams his fist on the table several times and stands. Everyone stops talking.
TENI don’t understand you people! You’re gonna let this man walk free. We all know what kind of man this person is. Lives alone, festering. Pleasuring himself with bottles. He’s a freak. And freak’s don’t deserve sunlight. They deserve rot and starve.
No one is feeling this speech. Ten starts working around the room.
TENYou all act you don’t know what I’m talking about. And maybe you don’t. I mean look at you. LOOK AT YOU. YOU! (Seven), you’re disgusting. Your face...is disgusting. Your hair is disgusting. You smell like a wet cat! And you (Eight), you should go to jail too! All your talking, all your fancy arguments, How’s this for an argument
Ten gives the angriest middle finger ever!
TEN(Nine). And let’s not forget about ol’ french fry guy. It’s not fair TO EAT THEM ALL YOURSELF! YOU SHOULD’VE LEARNED TO SHARE! (Eleven) Oh, look at me, I have such a fancy phone. I’m the best show biz guy ever! Sodomy is NOT A CHOICE! REMEMBER THAT!(Twelve)I WANT TO DEPORT YOU! THIS IS MY COUNTRY! NOT YOURS! I have ways. This will not end today! (FOREMAN) YOU’RE AN IDIOT! AND YOU’LL NEVER BE LOVED! EVER! (TWO) COWARD! PANSY! MOMMA’S BOY! (Three) American.
61.
You I salute. (FOUR) I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU! BUT YOU NEVER LOOK AT ME! WELL I WON’T LOOK AT YOU! IN JAIL! (FIVE) You, and your garlic. And your cheeses! I made pizza just fine! JUST FINE before you came along! And you (Six). You’re the worst of all. You deserve a punishment -
FIVEI’m just warning you. If you say anything bad about my wife. At all. I will knock your teeth in.
TENBut -
FIVEKnock your teeth in! You understand me!
Ten takes a minute, re-strategizes.
TENI say let’s the heck with votes. On the count of three, let’s just run in there, guns blazing, and scream at the top of our lungs “GUILTY.” Come on! Let’s do this! Be better than the stupid jerks you normally are. Be better! BETTER! ARE WE ALL ON THIS! ARE YOU ALL WITH ME!? LET’S GO! ONE! TWO! THREE! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ten runs out of the room screaming. Everyone sits.
TEN(off stage)
NOT GUILTY!
They wait for a moment. And another.
Finally he walks back in slowly. He takes his seat.
EIGHTAre you done?
He stews.
TENFine. Not Guilty. (to Three) I’m sorry. I did all I could.
THREEYeah, that was a big help, thanks.
Eight leans back in his chair. Case closed.
Three sadly turns to two.
62.
THREE(to two)
Are you still with me?
TWOI, uh...I don’t know, I’m not...I really just want to vote with the.....ma...the most people. I don’t...I have a lot stress and....please don’t look at me, I’m....ehhhh
Two holds his side and sits back down.
ELEVENAnyone else voting “guilty.”
No one raises their hand.
EIGHTYou’re all alone.
THREEWell then I’m still voting guilty.
EIGHTFine, what are your arguments?
THREEThe video tape. The witnesses. The confession! All are my argument.
EIGHTBut we’ve proven reasonable doubt.
THREENo! Not reasonable! And “we” haven’t proven anything. YOU have done all the talking.
ELEVENHey, you jerk! I said a couple of good things!
SEVENYeah. I said things too.
FIVEWe all said a lot I think. I said I’d punch that guys teeth in.
SIXHell yes you did!
TWELVEI talk about tigers. So many times!
EIGHTIts not easy being alone, is it?
63.
THREEOh shut up you...well I’m making this a hung jury. Donald Pleats will at least get a FAIR trial with a group of his peers that aren’t completely insane.
NINEHeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy......
EIGHTA hung jury could take a long time, don’t you have a baby-sitter?
THREEI don’t care.
FIVEReally, cause child care’s really expensive.
THREEStop! I’m aloud -
FOURThis is the worst! Can you just say “not guilty!”
SEVENJust say it man!
ALLDo it....guilty, guilty....come on...you know you want to....do it....
NINEIt feels soooo good.
THREENo, just! Stop! / I’m not!
EIGHTSo imagine you’re right. What’s the worst that could happen? He steals more cats.
ELEVENYeah, if he does it again they’ll just catch him.
EIGHTNo harm no foul.
THREEThat’s not the -
TWOLet’s just go home. You’re not going to convince them. Look at them.
64.
Three looks to ten.
TENWhat the hell, huh?
Three takes a deep sigh.
THREEFine.
ALLYes...alright...good...finally...thank god...uh...
Everyone congratulates themselves as they exit the room. Three stays, and picks up the taxidermied cat. Eight stays as well.
The rooms empties except for Three and Eight.
EIGHTWell. Shall we?
Three picks up the cat. He walks over to Eight and stands right in front of him.
He the THRUST THE CAT to inches from Eight’s nose. Eight doesn’t move.
THREEMeow.
Three laughs a desperate little laugh. He hands Eight the cat. Eight puts the cat back in his coat.
THREENot Guilty.
Three exits the room. Eight takes a look around the room. He walks over to a chair. Touches it.
He takes a deep breath and silently takes the room in. The moment.
EIGHTBoo ya!
Eight turns off the lights and exits.
THE END.
65.