A mQUEsnONS TO ASK Y01JRSEI.F 010 05 .

-:Are you a victi~? A prosecutor? A rescuer?'-Whose li(escript are you fonowing?

",-What part of you is a child? A parent?, An adult?,-HoW'much of your relationship'S 'Yith others is superftcial?

How much truly intimate?.

,

-Do you stroke people positiv~1y.togive them: a feeling ofOKness, or do'you 'discountthem with negative stroking? ,

-Are you a wimet or a loser? ','

When yo~ undtrstand these questions, and begin to find tlltir,answers; you will be well on the wa,jlto becoming whtlt you

, werea/Wllysmeantto be~'

",

!III

,)

.

BORN TO WIN"EJIrlchlng, s1Imuladng, re'lVarding, , . ~rllftycme,"'"ested in understandiJlghimself, his relatlo~ wluiodie.-'

'.and his goals." -:-~NSAS CITYfIMp

"The most e"cllingcontributiOnto,self-UIIIIersf8ndiII.!",. , . .

-PROORESSIYI! WOMAtoi. " '

,

','DR. MURlELJAMES'1S a licensed marriage and family-coUnieIOJ'~aninternational" consu1t,nf in human relations tOlcwemment ..pneief. '~school !iystems, ,and ttusiness. and. an ,adviser to the California ~sion on The Status of Women. Dl. James received her doctorate komthe OnivCrsityof'Caltfomiaat Berkeley, She is vice--preS1dentol the 18;-- ~ternationalTfansactional' Analysis, AsSociation, and. was a c:olleaaue ~

4)r. Eric Berne. Dr. Jarnes is the author of TRANSAcT'IONAL' ANAL-YSIS FOR MOMS A!'ID DADS,BORN TO LOVE, a,nd THS OK!BOSS,and i. the co-aUthor of WINNING WITH PEOPLE and "NEW SELF. ' , ".

DR.' DOROTHY JONGEWARD iJo,'he president nf tI!. T,..s/octI...1,Analysis M;anagetnent Institute~ She earned .her Ph.D. at CUj{QM'ia,

. Western' University, and is a -TeJl.ch'ng Mer:nber at' tlieIntemaliooaiTransactional Analysis Association, a Prof.ror of Human Deh.vior ;and>Transactional Analysis at Califorma,American tJnivenity:, aad a ,lifemember ot the California Association p{ Marriaat and f_mil)' Cou..selon. Dr. Jongewardis the'author of EVERYBODY WINS: "Trans...'actional Analysis Applied to Oraaniutions, and, is .theca-author "of

,i

AFFtRMATIVE ACfIONFOR WOMEN, WINNING WITH PEO-!,PLE, and WOMEN AS WINNERS, -

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Foreword

II basb!:en said that the psychotherapist's job is to pu\bimself out.of business. Researcb and writing efforts in tbe field are l1irectedtoward curing patienm faste." in a way tbat is fun, ecoriom~, and,long lasting. The ideal in ,therapy is the one'session cure,Ihe idealin writing is tbe one'book cure. So mucb of tbe writing in ~sycltol.'ogy is wriuen like hieroglyphiCs on the llosetta Stone that a Je.....

fr""",is Champollion tberapist or writer is invariably I.eeded for.the decipb~g al'd

.application. . . .Born 7'0 Wi. b)f'&'SOItbis middle-man system an4. pRSi:nll

. psychological insights in an intmediately recognizable way. It is in'line Witb tbe '10's .trend or making all information more dilyavailable.1O people, and the quarian A"." ofbrinfing IOplheriliformation from both .worlds. Humamstic Man. Ulterest!l'i inpetsonal.growth and higher levels of awareness, can noW~die information intelligently .tllat before be could handle onlyinlellectually. .. .

Bor.' 10 Wi. seems free of the codifying "games wtiten play;"In the writing ~tylethere is a patience, thoroughness, clarity,and"giving" that is unique in the field..Here the needs of the reaaerare met, 'lot discounted. The numerous examples sbould bemeani~1 ~ reader and student aliJce; even. 10 those pro-grammed for J1:1inimalinsi8hllt has tbe clearest use of e1<amplesI .

bave s~n in any book, and.! see it as a landmark book in.the r~dof psychological writing. , . ..

(AsSistant Clinical Professorof Psycbiatry, Univeisity of'California Med~ CenterSan francisoo, California)

8tepheB B.KaJPlll'Wi,JI.D.San francisooJuly 1971

viiI.

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Preface

..

Cl1rrenlly w~ find aresl1rgence of interest. in the "why" and "how"ofhl1man behavior and in .the search for meaning in human eJtis-tence. Bosses study how to work with subordinates, p~rents take~l1tses on rearing children, husbands and wi.ves learn 10 I!'lk 10each other and how to "fight fair," teachers study how to copewilb emotional disturbances in Ibeir students and how to reversethe effects of deprivation..' .' .'

..

. Along with .their interest in millerial goods and .techn.ology, .many peopl~,areconcernin$ th,emselves with whatitmeans1to behuman; As one young niale exeel1ive with a large firm put it, "Ihave a Master's degree in accounting. When-l "'entto work with.

this firm, 1 thought my. problems "'~re gomg to be accountingpro~ems., But they're not. They're 'people'problems." . ,

Two new approaches to .unders.tanding people are transactiqnalanalysis as developed by Dr: Eric Berne and geStalt therapy as in-terpreted by Dr. Frederick P.erls.This book is primarily concerned

. with our Interpretation of transactional analysis and its applira,.tion to tbe dairy life of the average person. Gestalt-oriented exper-iments. are used to sl1pplementthe transactional analysis t~eory.Case illustrations are drawn fml1:\our experiences as teachers andcounselots: .

'

..

Transactional analysis gives people a rational metbod for ana-Iyzirig and understanding behavior; gestalt therapy ~ives people a.useful'method fo. discovering the fragmented parts of their per-sonality, inICgrating them, and developing a core of self-confi-

. xi"

'1I

xii BORN TO WIN

dence. Both methods are conceAled with di$Covering and fOs'tering aw~ren'ess.self~responsibUity. and genuineness. Both meth.ods are conc.emed with .what is happening now. "..

.

We.belia'e this book can be used as a text or as a study guide fotthose interested in personality thooEYand interpersonal i'elation~ships. It is intended to beof value to prof..sion,als in the menta:bealth fields, to those; in manageme~t and education; and to la)persons who arc' interested in: new ways of understanding them;selves. It is definitely riot meant to take the place nf professionapsychotherapy. Seriously disturbed people need outside help

'"well as their o,,"n total commitment to get well.We are convinCed that people are not tptally at the mercy of eil

ther their heredity or their environment. They can modify _ bothlOUf hope is thatthis book will increase your awareness of the real

power you. have to direct your own life,_to make deCisions, to de.'Ve:lopyour own ethical system, to enhance: the liyes-cf omen, ancto understand th'at you were born to win.' .

,.We extenp. our sincere appreciation to the many who have in.!luenced and assisted us.ltwould be impo&Sible to list th.em all b)name. We wish to give special re.cognifion to Dr. Eric Berne an(Dr. Frederick !'trls for their teaching and writings, and to the In-ternational Transactional Analysis Associ~tion. a.nd Dr. Ke~nettEverts, its former ,president,,'

"

, , I. y./e want to express our appreciation to c;>urstudents and counjselees for their trust in us and for what w. have learned .from eadot~r..

_ . _ .

&d .we thank .our husbands and children for their patience.love, and encouragement. -

, I

Muriel J esLafayette, California May,197/

Dorothy Jo ,.....Orinda, California

I

*Informa:tion concerning training in TA may be dir«:ted to the Interna-tionalTransactionalAnalysis Association, 1772 Vallejo.Street. San Fran-:cisco, CA 9412~.,This Assotiation publish,es it directory of affiliates and

,geographicalli$t of accredited members and also has many TA publicationsav,ailable for sale: .

';ontti!nts

WINNERSANDLOSERS.: :. c I

Ninners .. .. .. ... . ,. .. .. ... . .. . . . . . ,.. . . .. .2oscrS. . . .~.. . . . . . . . . . .

". , . . . . .' ,'; . ..". . . . . . . . . ". . .', . . . '. .', 3

[ools for Change ,...: 6'rederick Perls and Gestalt Therapy.. . . ...

".. . . . .. .7

"tic Berne and Trallsactional "'nalysis . . .. . . . .. . . .. . .. ., . 10;ummary , ',' c ,.. t2">q>erimentsand Exercises : \3

Trait Ch""klist . .. . .. . . . .. : .. .. ; .. . . . ... . . c .. . , : .. . .. 13'Winner/Loser C6I1tinuum :...,.: ..-:,'14,.f!ole.Playing an Inner Dialogue. . . :... . .. ... . .,'" ... ,14'

I ,ANOVERVIEWOF TRANSACfIONAI, ANALYSIS. c. .16

Introduction10StructuralAnalysis. . . .. . . .. .:.. ..' . :. 16"~eveloproent"of Ego Stales.. .. . . .. i.. ..":'..23 .

Inlroduction 10 Analyzing Tl)lnsactioru;. . ... ..: ... . .. ., ...26rhe Games People Play 33Days of Decision ... 36PsychologicalPosilions .. ; .. .', .. . .. .. .. .. . .. . .. :. . ..' 37~xualily and PsychologiCal Positions . . . ... . . . . . . . . , . . . . . . 38 ,

Introduction to ~ripl Analysis. :. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . A2

Summary'... . .. . . ... . .. . .. ... ...43Experimentsand Exercises.... ..

".., .. . . . .. ..,44

. Beginning to Know Your Ego,States ... 44.YourEgo Stat.. and Feelings.: , :...44Analyzing Ii Transaction.. . . . . . . ... . . . .

". . . .. , . . .. , . . 45

Your OKness (fantasy),.; ,.45Your Sexual OKness (fantasy) : ..~

S THE'HUMAN HUNGER FOR STRODS AND,TIMESTRUcttJ1UN~ : : ..47

xiii

. .

.xiv BORN TO WIN

SlrokingHunger... .. . .. .. ... . .. . . . . . .. . .;.. ~... .. .47. Positive Slroking. .. . . '. . .. . . . .. .. . . .. . .. . .. . . .. .. . . .. .. .49. Discounting and Negative Slroking .5.3The Hunger for SlruC!u~d Time ,... , 59Summary. . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . . . '. . ... . . . .'. .. . . . : . . . . . .. ; 66 ,

ExperimenlSand Exercises. . :. ... . . : 70 I

You and Touch.. .: ..'.: 70!YOUand R~ognlrlon. .: ..: 72

1

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Youand TrmeStructurrng ,.,... 73YourCapacityfor Intimacy 73,. .

. 4 'nIE OllA.MAOF UFE SCRIPTs. .. .. _ .."

..". '.. .. .. .75

Scrip" : :..: ,.. .76,CulluralScrip"'" ,'. .. ... . ... .. .. . :.. .. .77Subcultural Scrip" ,..:.. 82Family ScriplS. .:..., ,' : .;.:. .83PsychologicalScriplsof.an Individual..... . .. ,. . .86Howl!criplingOccuis; , ,' .87Scrip"witha Curse.: : '.. :89,Counterscri"".. , ...,' .. . . . .. ...:.. ... ..., '

,'. :. .911Roles and Themes in Life DraQlas. . . . ." . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

'"92,

Scri~Themes ;.. ,'.97Script Roles and Themes in Greek Mythology. .. .: . . .. . ,'...97Script Themes in Children's$tories .. ., ... . ., . . . .,'.

":"..99

1Summary : , .104Experimentsa~d E.xer,cises..:. ":,' ... 1,0" ','_" .. ... .. 10f)1. Cultural and Family Scripting. .. .. ... . .. . . . . , .. . . . 106,

Individual Script. .... . . . . .. . . . .. .': .. : .,'. .. . . . . . 1061. .NONVERBAL M£S8AGES IN YOUR SCRIPT. .VER.8AL !

MESSA(;t!S 'IN YOUR 'SCRIPT ,_ .ROLE .IDENTIFICA110N. I.ON STAGE. LIFE STAGES..' CAst Of 'GHAR~CTERS

,. -. - ' . I

5'ARENTlNG AND 'nIB PARENT EGO ~TATE.. 110!

Tile ParentF.goState ...: .' .'.,. 110.outward Expression of the Parent Ego State:'.. .. .. .. 112Inner Int1uence of the Parent Ego Stal. .. . ... . .. ... .. 114Nurturing Patent "., : 118Prejudicial Parent , ..: ' .119The Incomplete Pirent Ego Slate ..; ,.121Reparenting. . . . . . : . . ". . .. . . . . : .. . . . ., . . . . . . . . . . . . ..' . . 126

Summary , 126Experiments and Exercises ;...: " 130

YourParentsasPeople.. .. .. . .. .., 130MONEy. POSSESSIONS.CRJSl~. fUN. ,SEXaOLES

.

.fAYILY WEALS ~ APPEARANd! . mUCATION .WORK. . YALUES. SP.EECH PATnRNS' -LISTENINGPATTE.aNS. SCRIP1' :(!'SY£S AND ROI,IIS ..

.' PARENTING PIlACTICES .

YourPar.mts' Allitudes: , , ',.. .US

flow A YouLike YourParentS?... : 13$Your Inner Dialogue .136YpurParentEgoSt/lles..~ , .137

.'

",atkan Therapy (Japanese selfO/)serv/llion method). . . ,... 138

8 ~()()D AND THE CHJLJ>.EC~'STAT:E I3'J .The Child Ego State , .I~.The Natural Child ,.. 140The.Little Professor.

'"I'"

The Adapted Child.., ,..: .' .1S7'Shifts belWeen the Notudl and Adap~ Child : ',,0163Activatingthe Child Ego State ...... .. ..... . ..'.166Summary .:; 169Experiments and Eiltercises , "., J~., Your Childhood Home :..., : .l1O

Getting in Touch wil~Y""r'Child!l()od. ..;..170The Child in You Now , .. . ... .. .. .. ... ,.. . .. : .. .. 171

Fan/asy Awareness:.' .. ., , .:... .. :tnYour Childh~ Adbpt/llions. ,.. .. ... ..0172:Lass of a Parent.. .. . . . . . .. . ... .. .. . .. .. . .. .. .. ; 174Your Uttle Professor. ,. .. :.. ,175You.4t a Natura/Chilti. .. ' ;.177

'1 PERSONAL ANI} SEXUAL IDENTITY. .. ."

. .., .. ... 179

Namesand Identity. , :.., , ...179ldentity.through Play .. : .; ..,... 183ChildhoodPsychologicalGames.and Role Identity 138Sexual.Identity : ,., ,.189Sexual E1Ipression .. . ... , . . .

". .. . . .. . . . .. . . .. ... . . 193

.Summary , .,: .:198Eiltperimentsand ExercisFs : 199

Identity anti YourName .~ ,...:... .199.

xv

I

xvi BORN TO. WIN

Your Childhood Play ..., ; , 200. Your Current Pray ,.. 2011. Your Psychological Games. . . .. . . . .: .. . . . . . . . . . . . , . . . 204

.Your Sexual Identity and Expression . . '. . . . . '.' . . . . . . . . . 204YOU17Sexual Feelings and Behavillr Now : ~... 206

;.

8 STAMP COLLECTING AND GAME PLAYING. ,.. . . . 209

Psychological Trading Stamps. . . . . . . . . . . . .. .'. 210.,T\1eTime of.Redemption:.;... ..., , 216The Sweatshirt Message. .. ... .. 'C'" . .,. .,.219. Ga.mes Played from the Child Ego State ' .:

221The "Ye~ But" Game , .223The "Let's You and Him Fig."t" Game 223The "See What You Made Me Do" Ga",e 226The '''Uproar'',O'ame.... . .. ., . ... . . . . . . ~ .. . .. .,." . ;...226The "Courtroom" Game.: .' 227The "Cops and Robbers" Game. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'. . . 230Giving Up Games , 231Summary.... . . . . . . . ... . ., .. ..

'". .. ...: ... ...232

Experimentsand Exercises 233Your Stamp ColleeHon. . .. . , .. . .. . . . ... .. . . . .. .. .... .. 233.Integrating.Old Feelings... : ,. 233

INADEQUACY . 'HELPLESSN,ESS. PERFJK''I1O'N ..DEPRESSION. FEAR -GUILT. ANXI~~ ."ANGU,..

...RESENTMENT. OTIlER.FEELINGS . .Tracing Old Feelings. . . . . . . . ... . . . . .. . . . .. . . .. .. .. .. 243

. Your, Sweatshl'rtMe~flages_~ . .. . . . ':. . . . . ... ,. .,'"

... ... ,244Seftpt Cheek List " ...; .245

. .9 THE ADULT EGO STATE ,.. , ,...247

. . .

The Bash Trap Phenomenon. . .. .., .. . .. .. . .. . . .. . , . . .. . 247The Adult Ego State. . . .. . , . . .. . . .. .. . . .. . .. .. .. 248.EgoSiate Boundaries. . .. . . . ... . . . .:.. .. .. ...2SOen Ego Bou<>;d;n-ies , , ;;.251Rigid Ego Boundaries , ,. : .252Cont1mination of the Adult. . .. . . . . . .. . . . . . , . ... . . . . . . . 255

Boundary Lesions 258.

The Adult as Executive of the Pen,.nality .. . . . . .. .. .. .. . 2.5~PlacatingYour Parent. . . .. .. . .. .. . . . . . .. . . . . . .. .. . : . .. 263Pleasing the Child.. .. .. . .. . . .. . . . . . . : .. . : . . . .. . .. .. . . 264

coli,., DiiActivating and Strength.ning th. Adult Ego Sl&t... . .. . . .. il6SDays of Despair.. . ~' ,.. 273Summary..~ <.. .\.'", ...:. .275 '.Exp.Jim.nts and ex.rci , , 27S.

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---'n'alhbed'Setne (fanl'tlSJ).. . , . .. '". . . . . .., .. .. . . .

'" . 278'. Yoor Last Ho.r (/anuuy) ;. ',., ... . 279

BiotiJkill~O.lol.:yo.r Btuh.T,.", . :. 279Eltamtning<:orUlant.PoWnt,<:1HI~a"lIlduit.an' '. ".

<:olistall/.Child ... : 1: ';:180Yi>l(tEgoStal.J'~iV1I! , ..~.DeconlamtnaltnlYOIII'AdrJlt:...; ~ ." ,..: "';". .284~,..ntrrgfromJloW'Proj«tiO". ..; '" .28$~ntnglrom YoorJ;lreaI!lS ;'. , " '286Probl ;Soi~ingT«hn~ "..,.. ..; , ,;2&'7

III .. ....' -

,"

ui ~UTONOMYAND.u>.UiT~ .,....AWarell.~ ,.. ...: ',' '.~" ..., ,..,..;... '~. ".,191SP9D"'!,.tty .. , ~.'

" ,. ..:.~ .. ~nl1D1acy... '.., ;. .;. ,.,1.931.,.

he.IntegratedAdult ,297.''Ad,!lt,Fe.lin.. .,. ; :'2?9Ad"IIElhi(:S, , , L ...3Qj!Epilogue. . . . .,

'" ..' . .'. ,.. . . . .. . . . . . . . ; . '. .. . . . . ... ;..,tQ1~perlinents aR~Exe",ises :...;.,c .. ~~';::II¥.

YourAduit Ethics... ..., ,;.".. ;,. .:.304 .'Adill~ Questions "n YOur Lif~. , .

~.... . . . . .... . ;~3i!J '

FOOTN~ANDREFEJ\ENCF$. .~.., ..., .11)6.INDEX ; ...;., "..,'~I',

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xx BORN TO. "'IN

ler, John James; bQttom, Daniel Buop; page 185, lOp, QorothyJo~ward; bottom, Dorothy Jongeward ,

'

"PIa.. XVI, pages 224-22.5: All three photos by Sneny Morgan~ pages228-229: ,All four pholOs by Sheh'y M9r,gan

'Plate XVIII;pages210.211:~21(); lOp.John Pearson;bottom,SherryMorgan;page21l,lOp,John Pearson;: bottom, Eric W, .

~ pages 216-277:page 216, John Pe~; page 211;tOp,Daniell!uop;bottom, SherryMorgsn ,,' '.,

Plale XX,pagcs2!14-29S:J>!I.8" 294, lOP. Daniel &op;' bottom,John Pearson; page 29S,IOP; Sheny Morgan; bottom, John Ja~ .

, .Plale XJU;page :I03:PboIO by John James \ .

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,

.1

Win.net'$flnd~. < ~. .'

. .

. '. . ,'. ,. .,

Y. C/JIIIUIIt.IIII . -fl/IhIg. . .'YOIltiMo,,~ ~lpli""~ (J!NitlUli~1f. ... GIIIu«i. .. .

. .

. ,

2 BOANTO WIN

WINNERS

'.

'WlnJlCll !)avedifferenl polenli.ls. Adlievem,nl'is nQItjie lnQSt. importalttthins.Authen~ilylt.,The..* ~n6"e~rV

e_ self'rea)ity by Itnc:>wins.beills. andbeCC>mlng.«C4ible, .aponaive peOOn.-Authentic peQple~ualiJelheir IIYII''''''''dented uniquenesi and ap'preci.teiheuniqu~neISQf O!lled;

,

'AuUlentl~ pe~n.,..wilU1era-dQ n()\dedi~'letlleirlives loa9Oni:ep1of whalUley imqlne !hey.ilro../r/ be; ralber, IkeY ate

.tbentMlves and uauch dQ~ot use lI1eir_1Y pUttinsQ!lIl;per.fOIll1&_, maintalnins pretence, andmanijluJ.lini Qthera.Win.nera. c.n m-eal, Ulemselves inate.d' of projeclills imeses thatp~.se. provoke, 0, entice QUIeta.They .re are Ihat .Ihere is. .dlfTeren~ belWeenbeillS!()vmSaliI!"ClinSIQvins.~""1I belnsSlupldand acllns Stupid, betWeen beinsknQwledseable and..ct. .

I,!Skno"'iqe.ble. Winnera dQnol need 10hide behInd a muk.' .They \IIrowOffunrealiaticself.hll,ses of.lnferiQritY<>rauperiorily.~ulo!lOnty dQes nol friShte~ winnen; . . .' .'.'. .,

..'),J1~l!lehave mQments Qf .UlonQmy; If Qnly fiee.ting. Howey..

er,Winne!im ~ble \0 susl6in their autQni)myover ever.increas-.inSj)eriods

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W!nnersllfenol afraid 10 do.thei. oWn IhinkinS encllo ~~irown kll"",ledse. ~eY can aepa;raleJ.CIS from Ql!lnion"ana don'lpretend 10.have' .lIlbe a_era. T~ey lislen. 10 oUlera, .evalualewhalthey say. bul co!1\e '10 their "",n conclusion$. AljlaQiI~lwin. .

nm can admire .nd tespecJQlher plQPle, Ihey:are n"IIQt.IlY""filled,demQlished,bQund,Qrawed by them. '.

"

. ..

.WhIners 00 nOlpl.y "helpless."neir 00 theypl.y Ihe bla\llillS

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lives.They'(\() nclt's'v" Qthera.false .uthQritjr QVerthem'. Winners are.theit o.wnIx>Ssennd kllQ\Vit.

.

.,'. ". '.'

.

'. Awi!lner'slill1.iltgis ripll. Winnersresp<ibd .ppr<>pri.\Cltlo the'8IluatiQn.Their rCSj'Ollles.re relite,dlo t!ie'm se:~nt a;ndpre-serve th silJ\ific.nce, wonh, well-beins. .nd di",ity oflhe people.invQlved.Winnets knoWthat for ev..rylhinSthere is . IC8SQ1I..ndforevery.i:tivity. time.' . .

I. ;oj'I"'~ 10 b. aggrUli..a~da II",. 10 be [H.usi.e;

.

A lim.l.o b'lo~~htf anda.li,,!.,IONa/l1n., . /

\

. .'

AIthoUP:~pl~~ ~\09.io..meY siC~ ""'" ~1jiles$'"IDtallydependent on iheit. ~n\llroll!llent...W\nJiOrS~

\

4 ,SORNTO"'IN ,

make 'the triullitioDftom IOtal helpleS$ness 10independem:e, andthCl\ to interdependence, Losers do not SOmewhere along the'linethey begiJllO avoid bpeomijlg mpolllible for their own lives.

'

" A. we have no,", few, people are IOtal winnel$ Or looers. ~,ost.Of them are winners in SOmeareas of their lives and loseJ1 in

, others. Theil' winlliDc or I,osing is,influenced by what happe"s 10 '

'1IIem ill, clUldhood, ""',

" "',.', A Iact of r~ 10dependenCy need$. poor nutrition, btutal-

ity; UltllappyreJtdonships,;disease, COJldnuing ~ppOinltnenlS;inadequateph~ ~, ,and tralimali~ ev~nls are, among the_

,Y,,~pen

,

' "~nces "tha:I COnlribil,

1010

,

_,

ing~e 10$01I,,Suchexpenen~ mlCrrupl. deler, or ~ltl the normal p~g,rcss,

toward aulOno..". andselr-aClual4ation. To cope with,negallve ,

experi~nce..ch~ learn to manipulatethemmves and othel$: ,

11iesemanipul~live techniques are hard to give uplater in life and" ,, often become set patt.,.,.. Winners work 10 shed them. Losershang onto them. ,', ' '

"

'

SOllie losers .pei.k ofthem,eJ~e. as successful but lI\Xious, sue-~id but',trapped,or successful bUt unhappy, Othcors.~akof.theI!'Jelve'~lOtalJy bcslen,withciutplirpose; URabl.. to mo~,half dead, or bored todealb. Losers may not reoognize t,ha~ fOrthe m,ost part. they have been buildiog their own cage.., dipglhI:ir OWl!graves. and boring themselves,'

"

,'

'

,

"

A loser seidom'ljves in, the presen~ but, iostealldestroys.the~t by focUsing On'pUt merrtbries, or future expeCtations. The

,

toiler who Uves in the past dwell. on th~ good old dq$ or 1>"past, Personailltisfortunu.. NOstalgically, tbe loser. either clings!,> theway things

,

"used t<1he" Or b.moan. his or ber,

b,ad.lutIc,The Josef,il seif.pitying illil s6:ifts the respolllibility for an. unsamf"""""

life onlO ollte.., BI"""ng others and excusing <1n!'$Clfare oI'II:npUt0fth.1ose ,'.m... A loser who lives'in the past,may 1_01,

,1/01//1'

'''If 011/}'Iliad inarried someone else"

,"',

,

"lfOllly I had a ,dil1'er.ntjob, , ".,""lfQllJylhad,liniih.dscbool. : ..'

"..,hnl,Yl had be.n~a~m. (b.auliful) .. ,""Ifonlymy spousehail stopped'drinking '. ,"

"If only I 'had been born riclI., , ,~'. "If only I had had beuerp&renls , "

iI

.

. .\ .. __lAW> . . 5, . ,-

'. Pcol'lewho live in the fUture may <\Ram of """,e miracle after..which they Call ~live haPJrily evp after Rather than. pUl$uing',th~r own lives. 1_1$ wait-waitfor themagical_. flowwonderful iifewiJI be w~: "

I..

,.~~~~I'C~~orth!~lwoin8JI@laJIYcom~. ':7...'

WliCII.SchoollS.o~. .., ,'. '. ". ''WhentlielUda~wup,';...,', . .' . .

,'. ''WII~ii!/HIt ~ jol> open&.. ,,'.. ':Wh~the~~,;. ."~'. "~e..my ~P~.nc.irr..

....."

." . I.11\centr8$llo trWsr:who ,liv,ewith th'''lelusicin<>f" in.pca),~ .

C1!C..omeIOlel$live~tIYlU1dcithe4re!'doffUlUre~,'

JIII"...TheyconjurivllpexpelitatiQIIS of"'ftat!l" ".,'"

. ',. " ,"..'

..

"'''.

,

', ~Ii

"What if liose my jOb . , .~","Wliatiflloae my mind:" ....

,

'

"WItaI.ir~1\1iDg falb'onmc. . ," .;' ..':,."WJ,Iatifl ~ myleg.. ,".

"",

', "What if tI\ey .d!In't like nte . .'~_ . t~Whatir.l~.e.a,~,..,." ,~,)"

BV~~~UallY (oCUtingOll~~IU~..th;.e~. eX~_:> :.~,anxkty in the preo.citt.They~ anJIioilsoverwhatthey~1! .':.

'-,-eiiherr.al.oriina8iMd-tesIs,!riIlP!'ying...loveaffair.cris!&;iI1'c<, .

ness, relirentent, the weather. arid so fort\loPersons IWfftylll"valved,!liith iInil~ letth. actU"lj>osiibllitiCJ~fthemliUlCi>t.'

. ,

.'pass them by. TheyOCl:l1~th~ m~wilb mateliil1that ~ fiTele-

,

1'..,1 10 the Clrn'enl si\1il\llon:NiX\ety tUnes oUI cutrentl'Cll\ily.'.Consit<Iucntly.th$ .people iaclllU!bIc10sed for thelllSClves.~\.',

lorlhem..IVC8,fcclfor~\VC8,.Qr tU\C, w\ldl,m' ~J~' .

tlJemselves..', ,'.

'.'''. '.' .

'diY~nt::.~~.~~~~IO~~ '

They _ ,.~Ives .II!d()lll'fSt\lrOllpA prismllb'~'q.cir.ilbIllty.tdd~ietTec:tively, with ~rcelWQ'l'Id~ haJnperCd.

L~n ~dll\ucIt 9ft\lcirtiJtlepl.y'aCII..g.~4iq.. .

nipillalins, alldpelpC~g<lld ro}eIfroJI.I""lIdhood;Loimiti-.vCsit\lcirCIICl1Y.inmailltaiDiatmAlb. ol\ea ptOjectint ~ jIboO.jI,.front. K~H<II1iCYWri~ ''ThefO~lIoft\le pIIOnyseltis

~.'. ,..',~

:,j,.

L

6 BORN TO WIN

ways at1h.e ~xpense afthe real self. !he lalter being tr~ated,with 'disda.in. albestlil<e a pQOr.rdative" {~j.To th.eplay-aCli~g loser,perfonnance i~'often more impottant than reality. ,

,,'

,'",

Losers repress their caPacities1<>~xpress Sj1Ofttaneolislyand ap.-propriately thefuU ran~ of possible behaVior.They maybe un-aware Of other "pIioits,for a more ,prO\iiJctive.setf-ti1lfillinglife.palh.toseI'.lare afraid, to, tryli~ things ..d iluteall ,!tIai,ntaintliein>wnstatusquo. Losel'$ are ripeat r.peatingllot.Q1\Iytheir'ownmistilkes, bUlofleotjlos. ,oftheir faniiJies aM...ltJireaSwelt.'A loser h,asdit1i~lty giving a'lil 't~iYing IIIT~ &I\~does

oQienter, into intimate, h!!1les\;"irCct~/iI,,~ps w.i\hothw.lftStead,aloser tries 10matiipulaJe them in'totivii.g,upto hisorh.ere"pectations. Lose~' energiesarebften channeled inlo'livlJ)gU,PII) t{t~e~lions <ifl)lbel'${3}."

,'" ..',,' .

,feople who are losersare nOlusing,lheir iitlell~t ~priaJely,. but ~tead are misusing it 10rationalize aDdinteliectualitj!. WIi.FD

" nilio\laijzing, 100el'$giv.e excuses to make Iheir actions seem plan-.sible. .When intelleetualizin$o Ihey try to sno\v.otIJers,vith ver-

. biage.,Consequently, ml\Ch'of theirpi)tential remaiJtsdQ\'illali~unrealized; and ,unrecognized. Like'the trog-J>rin<'O,in tlte fairy..Ie, Ip~ are spellbound, and live'.lheirliveSbeiDg 80methingliter a(eit:t meant to be. ' '

"

.~FOR CBJ\.NGE,

A1Jel'loilwho w'atitsto discover,~ndclulnge a"lo.smg.~~:~ whowants.lo betQlne more like Ihe 'winner he or'she \Vasborn to I>e"c&II,uaegeSlalt'lype e"perimenls anI/transactional 1utaly.isto

, make change happen. These are fWonew anp excUing psychologi-calJiPprQacbes 10human prob~ The fil'$t jI,oasgiven new life byDr, Frederick perls;the second was developed by Dr; Eric. Betne;

~Iswas.born in Ge,rmany in 18?3 and left the country whenH,idercame in'" power.Betne was b<!rn in MontrealjD 1910. Bothmelt "'~re IW,oed as Freudian, i>sYI:hoanalysts, .biIth b&:okea.wi.y,I'ro!nlhe I!se <>f<>rthQdoxpsychoanalysis;bothfounct thei,r gtW-, ie$\P"pul.tity and 'ICI'q>\&nc.eindt~ Ubi~ States. W~ have stUd~ Iiedwidt both Berne and PerlS; and we lik~theiI'methodsbecause

. '.1eit lI1eIhods'w<!rtc. . , ,"11\,Ibis book we\1Qpe 10 show h!lW4leIl\C0ty of transactional

alllllysi&, stlppl tttletJ by experiments we bave peraonally de-signed and othCl'$which were derived froDigatalt therapy. can be ,

"

, . .,

. . w'fIIMr#'~_L&!trl.'

7.

, usedto.!ttv~l()partd'''I.ndilPc~'s...willl\ini slrealt."We.~.lievetlial,~eryone.,..alleaslin ~m. phaseof hiS.Ofher.bu n-.~..,haall!~11"tenlialt,,~:~ winner: 10be mal pe!""n, an alive ,

.. p~n; ap,~via:rcpe.r$On' .. ."

.,..'. ..

,,

" 'BORN TO WIN

A.nd: laking risks is risky 100Too i-julio consider. (5]

'S9meofihe methods common in gestall Jherapyarerole-'

PI~Yillg,exaggeration o(symploms or behavior' use ol'tantasy, the'principle of Slaying with the immediate monlenl, which is the ex.

,perienee of"bemginthe now,"lhe u",ofth. word "I"rathes than,"II"as'a way 10 assume responsibility for bchavior;tearnillg how10talltJo r)llher than al someone, becoming aware of bodily '

es, andlearntng 10 "Slay,wilh feelings" u\ltil tiJey are undt!r$lOOdand inltgrated (6). , ,",,-

, 1:hi lliosl difiicult method for many people 10Undetstatid isPerls' spe,cialized form of role-playing. Rote-playing is nOlneW k>psychological practi!;e. As early as I~ Dr. Jacob Moreno ",asworkillgon this ",eihod froin which have emerge4tmuiy fOrms ~f,

, ~up encounler and Irealment. He cOined the, wo~ "psycho-.drama" in 191910 desc;ribe how he directed people lo,tai<e onlheidentilies of olhers and 10aCloulllteir p"!&lems CromdilTerenl ,

poltilSofview(7]. ,

.",',.

,',,'"-,III, conlrast,to Moreno, Perls rarely uses otlter people to.!Ole-

pla~wlth,his palient. He claims these olher:>would "!Jrillgin/,kirawn fantasies, Iheir own' interpretations" [S}. The(efore; Perl~,...quires thepalieht to illlOJine and act oul alllhe pans. HdOC)lies ,

on how ''''epatienl is acting: now. nOI On Ihe ",hy of the palienl's '

behAvior: ',

"',,'

Although many arrangeinslS can be used for this ttrid.ofrole-playing, Ih~hairtechnique is uniquely Perls', His, props .,., (I)

.Ihe ~'hot"'al." a cltairf.;r lite patienl whd chllO IO"wotk," (2)'. an empty chair facing the patientOhto which thepatienl projects,

hisor her many selves, and(3) a box oftissues for .,.nny n,osesandtearful eyes.,

"

,"

". The "hot-seal" melhod was ">ed wilh a reacher Who describedherself as friendly and "elpf"1 yet couldn'i understand why $he

CIt,

ad, ""

Close frie,

n,

ds,

.Although,

Sb,

e denied an,

Y angry'feel

.

ings.,

'common expressions SIt. used. were "you'll be sOrry (or thai" and,

"I feel sorryfor anyon:elikeyou." OIIten beatdtbis as~atetti1'lgand lIosr;le."

',' ,",

, Whenlhis woman toIe.playedher fragtn~nled pans. $he acted,her "liiendly: self". from Ihe hal-seal and ill8lgined her "allgTy.self"oblhe opposile chair. She switched c1)aiis when sbe switdled '

roles and !loWlybegan a ~ialogue: "

8

..~.

....

W{irnm a,1til-LT _ , 9.

t don't ~now why I'm;~re.,I'Di always friendlyaid helpful.

.

'. .

Op!,<,s/(ecila/r: You do 100 know ..hyyou''''; here. Yo~ d01\'1have any friendS. .1t ca,n'iundersland i!.rn.always doing Il!i~for people. ' '.'

"'.

.':, .

j)pf'(Jsite'chaii":T.i)at's:the tf9~l)le with you. Alw.y.,,"i~,~lIeIpfurHan.I!,"You hII\<t~eryI>oIiY9\)1i. ,.

.ptiJdt9'you,,'..

",,;' ~,

lnashOr\'funeth.teache6vbiceerewshrillafid!ill1d.\y&el\ ~e".'; '._ in me h<!t-$i!al,She .trUCk

~OU! iJ!S1the"help(ul1i!atiM'li'>cr',commenl: Alii"'!!, al&,r o..n a '. ..siven..." she. ~om.menl~"'*;.'

,,

Aisbelief,'hever knew I co,. reel so all~':'AlmousJtj)\h~r'"people ¥ad ..en this,\"pe<:lOfh~ l'Ooo.nalilyC\Uileofte",jh\...~ ::~: .

the fii1ttil1\O she admiuedt<> he, opposites .ofanger a:ndhelpfIII' :',. ., 'n~her polarities. . .'

"',' . "."

,",.,',".'

/-.,~etim.. people* aWa~ OfonlyoM \>ftlieirpdlts,a$Ut(\1ir:'fJ.:j ,

,;i.f:t~~,:a:~::~JO:;~iki: ~~Ze~~e~:~"::'iI!~~j,;i'pres~on/' or "I'm eitl!er angry andaggre$Sivo' or' afraid a full<il" ',.,

'"dO~bl.". " '.. '..'

""'. '.,.,". .., '..'".,

.

'. Apersonwhosepersonalily!s(ragmentedbypol.ritalion~r/:,"'"ales ilt an ~ither~OtmaMe~...eitherarrO"nl Or'wpr\,hle~.It~

.' ';;or tyTaIJn.~al,w,~~ or r'&bIIIOUS.A person ,whoISsllld< ~~,~: ,F::

. ~pa$$.:ofsuchoppbsingf~s is fighting an inlernali~~t.;Br ""'.' ,usiilf!~1.'role'playillgtechniq..elheseopposin8 f,9n;e.callJ!aVe

'

,".,

;1 O.UI\Vilh each other, forgive, ea~h olher. compromise. or al\ea$I'come \0 know each olher, ," ' .'.

Using the dOllbIe:tliaJriechnique, people '.~ clove\tjp!in .,~aren!;SS oftbeir fraplltt<! parts by starting a dialogue and "-rcal:\ing 0111jia.riolls roles;switdling' cbairs ",ith eac1i~wi1dl iAM<i(,Tbc;roIt players may bej>eop! as theYl\I'e ~,or asc;hildl'ellJ",'l!Samqlber, "\her. ,spouse;ot ~ 'T1\erolepla)'ed Qlay~¥physica1~lDptom$";lIk;ers..hea!la~,'ba~adies. .iw~II\)',p'II~palpitalmgbeans.,'th~ mil)' even be objtcts en~ntcite'ltilla

.

. '<iream,siII:h as a pi~ 'orturilil1ltO. "n anift\at, a winOOw...Role"p~)'id. with the use o(lhebw)cal, eJin'lIlsobe !IiIOcito

c:iaiity anyrelatfons\tlp ¥\W~peQple. T~ do_o!!e pena'"imagines ""other pers\1n".n the 0ppostle dla'r.;Tbe persollrspealtf

Ho/-seal:

"

,

".

10 , BORNTI:> WIN ,

'

to this other, sayillg what\really on his orhermiJid,'The'personthe!, beco~s the otber...nd responds. In this ProCess un.spEikell~. ,sentmenl£ and affection often come, to the sur(ace, where they.canbeundel'ltood anciresolved.,

'" " ''

,,

,:YatiOus parts 0(10 dream~ alsQ !>c-IO~;p1ayed !Opill self. ,

aw~ness. Aecording toPerls, the dto;al1\ is,"iii<; royall'QaJI 10 in~ ,itegratiQn" (9J. ,

'"'.

"

.'

'" "

,

, ,

'" ""~

. .- -',

"- -.

'- " -

..'-,

.

-': :.' '.' -

;.

-"',. ,; . ,.IIth<: ditTerentpattsoJ the dr."" are fraa '" of i!i1r perio1IAlitjeS..~:~ur aifnistOm~e:cvery~n~orusaw11cJ1esqme,-":Cnon; W~ch:~Jt5a unif#penon. w;dtoolcontli~.what Iveb.~ to do is put th.~etentfraamCnMf the dr.am wgethet'.We have 1O:""ow, tbcse~j"'tOd;'II'a.$'mfIIled parts of OUrp-,naIit}', and ,...",. tliebidden patenti/IIth!'ta:p-,pc.ninth<:dream(I~~,', :' ,

~'

. . ,

" ", 'Or: pUIariolh<orway,,all Ihe,dream is Ihedreal1\er.'Each per-and h Ihmg in Ihe dfeamis some a~~! oft~e d~I'I\<".By1'Q1.e'J>layingthepcJlple In the drealn, tbe o'6Jec15In th"'4ream;oreV~1Ia dread! C1'1lPent, the .,,!stenna! mi!$Sage thatthccjr<o8l1l'boidscanbcunIOcliC<!,IIDiby .nalyl,ingi~but bj'relivi1lg it

For example. one manh.d a...,w:tiitg d,realn in",bic~,there,was,a}wiysadesk.When:as1<ed toim.gine,himself~ this~ of'f\ll'!litute he muttered, ~HowsillYif'm ltotadesk,"1Vith a ,,".of'encourar.rnenthegotover hissla-ge ftighiand started hiSp'd'OI'.

,mance. I.am. big desk, I'm sluffed full of other peopl~'things.,P<iople pire things 01\ me, write OQme, poke m~ with,peIt.,T~eyjust use:it}e and I can't m~ve;,,", ..n Latefhe¥id, ','That's m~;>'anright! Just like ades!< I tetev.rybodY use me, and IjusisitlltC1t'"

In ges(alttlt~rapy people gain, both emotional ,and inteUectualinsight. hut Ihemethods focus on the former, Emotional aware-'ness is Ihat moment of self-discovery when a PCfsol'$ilys "ohalt."Perl. describes the ".hah" e"pedence as':. .. . whatliappe,!'as;whenever something elicks, falls tl'to ,place; each Jim., a gestaltcloses,tliefe isthis'allah1'ciick, dteshoc~ ofrecognition:' Ill). In.teltettuallnsight CO'1Ieswijh'the galheringof data;'. ... '.

'-

\I

BRIC BERNE AND TRA)lSACTlOI'IAL Al'lALVSJS

In transactional analysis people gain bbth,~motional and intellec.tual i05i/lht.but the method focuses on tbelalter, It is a.thinking,

, ,

.12 ,BORN TO'i+:tN.

most;pcople can understand,.and ,pul to use. Itencourages the. useofwor.-.tbl1t are simple. direct. and aftenoollG'Iuialiostead ofpsyeholo$ieal. scientilif words, or jargon. For example, the majorparts"fthe personality ~calledthe Partn,'. AdM!t, and Child eg<s.,state$.'

, . ,". .

.'t, ..-r.ansactional aiial~is is .. tationaJappfoach to understandIngbobaviot and iJ based on the assumption that ~Il iadividuals .canleamto trust themselves, thin!(. fo~ the~t!lves, maltetheir OWnd~sions, and express theit' feelings. ItsprinciAles cantle aPpliei!oath. job. i.DAhehome, ili the c!illSloom, in theneighboth"'1~wherever ~ple ~il with ~p1e.

'. .'.

" . .BemC,$ays an important goal of tranliaclionll\ analysis is ''to oS'.

tablishtb. most !Jpen,aridauthentic commuaicatii>n~bletle.tween the arfective and intelleclUal componellts. of the pe...,nl1li. i,tY'114l Wjlen this happetjs. thepelSQll is able to use both em'" (

tioPs IlDdintell..~ not jIHt.OI!eallhe expense of the 0lher}3esta'lltechniques ~1lD'ai!Qol!;fate:1IieProcess, particulady at the .feelins

.level. .. .

. ". .'In thi~bookeacbcbapterhl1Sexe~ and expetimentsti)at,ate . :.

designed 10 'assi$t you in perso!1ally applying ihe thcory. We IsUS$CStIhat>asyou comp\ete .each chapter, you read through tlie I

.experimer\~ and exercises related tQ il.'pc, what seemS .possibleaad inleresting im/liediately. Then at 'a later tilRe..oomplete whatis r.elevant.~to you.' I

, , ,

'

,'. ..'

, ,

A p~rson who i~ not a~ate of how she or'he acts or feels is impov~erishec!. Lacking a core Qf,confidence, sach a personf1uctualesbetWeen conf1iClingin!1er forces.. This person is

I","" than whole,'haVing

.

alienated parts of the self4ntellect, emQtibns, creative.ness, body feelings, Qr $<Ime particular behaviQr. AperSQn wM be.cOmes awate and' moves t<>ward.becOminga whole person is..liriched,

". , .

. . .. People who deCtdeto beci>itt..ItIQr~ Qf a willner than ,a loser

allow such insights. Through tJ>e1nthey discOver thai they canrely, InQte and 11)0", oi\theit i>wrrcapacit.i~s for sensing and malt:ing judgment'" Tb~y continue tQ discover anelrenew themselves.FQr them, lif, consists notin getting more I$ul in being more. Win-n are glad to be alive.! . .

Winners andLo." .

EXPERIMEms AND EXERCISES

1. TraitCheckJiat '

Mov~quickly th",ugh the. following Ifst of t(aits, Use a c&~ck'mark.( ) besid~ th"s~ that fil your s~lf,itnaa~. Us. a cross (x)

,

to ,,!ark thos~ thai do notfit.Us~ a qu~stion mark (1)to indical~'

"

th,cones thai'you'r~ unsure about. '

./ .~,,'"

-Lik~ mys~lf, n'l'hold ,a job

~Afraid of or hurt by Trusl my.~lf '.< o)h~rs \r\",

',. ' ?";UsuaJly say Ih~ wrong, .£'P~opl~ can trust m~ ";hing

,LPU! up a good front. 'LEnjoy p~pl,'LEnjoy p~pl,

. lam''-~el bad about mys~lf ,

'

'

V"F~arfut of Ih~ futur~ /XDiscouraa~d aboullife

){D~pendenl on o'hers for fDon" lik~ 10 be around,

;d' ,A~Opl~eu . -

~wasi~ tim~' Hav~ not d~y~lop~d my.,f

"

)IIlenlS'

~se my tal~nlS ~Glad I'm Ih~ sex I am

<'>Think for mvs~lf X Ot\ d th th '1,1..' I.

.,£:.::.. en 0 e wrong ..Ing'

~Know my f~~lings~I I' d ' I ..

'.

.

nvove In sovlngLDon't und~rstand mys~lf" communily, probl~ms,

",

' "

,

-'-F~~I h~mmed in ¥Peopl~ lik~ 10 be around'/ m~

"-.,.Us~ tim~ w~lIvi:.

'

.:;Lpwpleavoidm~-/

Comp~l~ntonIh~job::L'Disinter~sl.d in '-ContrOl myself

'.fcmmunity probl~1!Is'

/S ' I

.,,

', ~I nJoy h~

'-Enjoy work "A T' ' I'

,

",/ , F.roub ~ controlhng r"yself

t;.EnJOY natur~, ,f\Don'( lik~ mys~lf

Don't ~njoy work '

.13

"

I

14 BORN TO WIN

Now look at those traits you have marked.. Is there a pallern~.Arc they winner traiis, loser traits, a mixture?

.What traits would you' like to' ciWIgc?

As you read throup the book, come back .to Ibis checklist.Look over the traits you've marked and change what you de-cide.tochange.

J. WilUter/lAMr Coatin.um

ludging from how you feci about'yourself, what you have &c-compli&hcd in your life, and wbt your relationships are 'wilb<>thers; rate YO_If somewhere alCing the foUowingcontin-uum. Think of one end of the continuum as a tragic loser andthe other end as a totally sUlUsslb1 winner..How do you feci about yourself?

Loser' Winner.How do you feci about what you have accomplished in yeiur'tife?

Loser Winner I. Howdo you feel about your relationships with others? -Loser Winner

. Are. you satisfied with where you placed yoursclfl.If nOl, what ~6uld you tile to ch...g~?

a. ftc)Ie,;Playiagau Iaaer Dtalo....

The next timeyou ~'t g~t to sleep, can't cOncentr~te, ca~'t its--ten to someone else because you have a dialogUe going roundaJ;KIround in your head, become, aware of the essence of theconversation.

'.

. Listen to it. Who is tailing in your head? Are you talking to ~particular person? '

I'\

IIII

,Will"! 4Jfiti ~ 1,5

. Now 'bring thisconversationout in the'DpeD.Set t\Vochairsracing each other. UsingPerls' role-playing method, speale

, this conversationalo~d. Switch from one chair to tbe olherwhen it is appropriate.

. .

. Toy to bring this dialogue to some kind .or' conclusion.

'-

.

:.

2

An Overview ofTransactional Analysis

The aazy person says, "J am Abrah~m- Linci>ln,'Jandthe neurotic ~ys. ..[ wish I were A braha,m Lincoln.'J _

,"

and the healthy person says, "I am I,and you are you. "Frederick Perfs [I)

,

Many people come to,a time in theitlives when they are provokedto define themselve$. At such a time transactional ;:analysisoffers aframe of reference that most 'people can understand and put to usein their own lives. This chapter provides a,'brief overview of TAtheory and its.applications [2J. Subsequent chapters consider eachphase in depth. ,...

Transactiodal analysis is concerned with four kinds of analysis:

Structllral Analysis:

r'DllSDC/ional A nalys;s:._

Game Analysis:

\he analysisofindividilal person&Jity.

the analysis of what people do andsay to one another.

the analysis of ulterior transactionsleading to a payoff.

the analy';' of specific life draD)asthat perrons cOlI\pulsively play ou~

Script Analysis;

IN'taODUCTJON TO STRUCTURAL ANALYSIS,

Structural analysis offen"one ..ay of answering the questions:Who am I? Why do I act the way I do? How did I Bet this way? It isa method ofanalyzinga person's thoughts, feelings, and behavior,based on the phenome.na of ego SIalAA.(3).

16

An Overview of Tr;lnsaci"al Analysis 17

Imagine a mother loudly scolding her noisy, quarrelsome chil-dren. Her face wears a scowl. Her voice is shrill. Her arm is tenseand held high in the air. Suddenly, the phone rings and she hears afriend's '~oice. The mother's poslure, tone, and expression begin tochange. Her voice bc;comes weD modulated Her once tense atI'mlies qllietlyin her lap.

.

Imagine two factory workers angrily arguing with each otherabout a work problem: Their argUment is animated and fierce.They look like two children fighting o>:er a piece of candy.. Sud-denly, they hear a cr,ash of steel followed by an agonized sc~m.Their enliredemeanor changes.-Their argument isdropped. Their.angry expressions give way to concern. One hunies to see what'swrong; the other calls an ambulance. According to the theory ofstructu£al analysis. the workers. as well as the mother, cl!angedego states.

l" . .'Berne defines an 'ego stafe as UA consistent pattern of feeling

and experiemie directly related to a'corresponding consistent pat.lern of behavior" (4]. Berne writes:'

. . ; inlhis ~pecltbe brain functions'like a lape recorder 10 preserve com~plete experiences ill serial sequence. in a form recognizable as "~,go states"_ .

-indicating.tbal ego stales comprise Ute natural way of experiencing and ofrecording experiences in theit IOlalily. Sir.nullaneous~y. of course, experi-ences are recorded., in. fragmented fotms . . .(5). ,

Theimpl~cations are that a person.s experiences are recordedlDthe brain ~d nervous tissue. This includes everything a ,personexperienced in childhood and .incorporated from parent figures,perceptions of events and feelings associated with these events,and -the distortions brought to memories. These recordings, arestored as though on videotape. They can be replayed, and t\t~ .event recalled and even re~experienced.' .

'Each person has three ego states which are separat~ and distinctsou

.

rcesofbehavior: the Parent ego stale. the Adult ego sta.

te, andthe Child ego state. These are not abstract concepts but realities:"Parent, Adult, and Child,represef\t real people who no,!" exist 0'who once existed, who have legaInames and ciVic identities" (6).

. The structureof personalityis diagrammedon the followingpage. . ,I.

Ego states are colloquially termed Parent, Adult, and .Child;When capitalized in Ihis book they refer to ego slates, not to actual.parents,adults,or children. .

The three ego States are defined as follows:

18 BORN TO WIN

The Paren/.ego slaJecontains the attitudes and behaviorincor. .

porate,d. from external sources, primarily parents. .Outwa~4Iy, itoften ISexpressed ~oward oth~rs ,in prejudicial~ ctitical. and nur.turing ~havior. Inwardly, it i~ experieaced as old Parental mes-sages which 'COntinue to influence the inner Child.

rh~Adull egoslale is not 'related to a person's age. It is oriented'Ito currenl reality-and the objective gathering of information. It is I

organized. adaptable, intelligent, and flmctions by testing reality.estimating probabilities, and computing dispassionately. ,

. The Child ego Slale contains all the impulses that come natural-ly to an infant. It als<>contains the recordings of the child's early'experiences. responses, and the "posit1on," taken about self I\I1dothers. It is expressed as "old" (archaic) behavior from childhood.

,

Ego State Structure ShripUfierl Diagram

When you are acting, thinking, feeling as you observed yourparents to be doing, you are in your Parent ego state.

When you are dealing with current reality. gathering facts, and .computing objectively, you are in your Adult ego stat,e.. '

When you are feeling and acting as you did when you were achild. you are in you, Child ego siate.

.

Caoe UIUlltratioD

A client was advised to investigate a private school for hiss<>n.When he reported his findings about the school where

An {fteryin,oof TrtuuatfU4/AII",,,,IJ .9

'heleaching was informal and crealivily enoouraged, threedistinct reactions 'were easily observable. firs\, he sCowledand said, "I c,an'lsee how ""yone,oould learn anything al thaIsehooL There's eJ,irton the floor!" Leaning back in his chair,his forehead smoolhed bul as he reflected, "Before I decidei IIhink I should check on Ihe school's Scholastic rating and talk

,10 some of the parenls." Thenexlniinu~, a broad 'gnn, crossed hisface,and'hesaid, "Gee, I'd 'ove to have gone to a

schpol6ke lhal!''

When quenedabOul his responses, the' clienl readily analyZedIhal his firsl was the way his falher would have responded. His 5e9"

, and was,his Adulliookmg for more data. His third was his Child.recalling his own unhappy,

",hool expo,

rience and imagining thefun he mighl have had at a school such as the one hc':Visited.

Before making a final decision, he pursued his Adull 'questions.Subsequendy,' his son allended Ihis school, is curn:ndy having agood time th~, and is achieving well beyond his former level:

.

Acoording to structural analysis, e""h person may respond to aspocificstimulus in quite distinct waysfrom each of the ego states;

,

sometimes these ego' states are in ,concert, sometimes in conf1icLleI's look at the following exan/ples., .,' ' ','

,To a stimulus of a piece of modem an

'Parent: GoOOgrief! Whal's it supposed to.",,!,

Adult: ThaI COSI$5350 8ccording to the price tag.

(hi/d: 000, whal prelty color!, .

To a requestfor an office report '.Parent: totr. Brown is nOIcuI OUIto be a. superviSOI.

Adull! I know M", Brown needs Ihese by five o'clock.Child: No matter whall do, I can'l please Mr. Brown.

To an act of violenceon the nreet .Parent: It serves lhat girl righl f~r being oul so late.

Adult: I'd better. call the police.

Child:' Say, is this ever exciting!

To being offered a piece of chocolaJecake ...hendle/ing

"

PLATE"r

EVERYONE HAS THREE EGO STATES

Critical behavior often comesfrom the Parent ego state.

.-

22 BORN TO WIN

Parent: Go ahead, honey, it will keep up your energy.

Adult: That piece of cake must have atleast 400calories. I thinkI'll skip it..

Child: What yummy cake! ! could eat the whole thing.

To a crash of rock music \

Parent: That horrible stuff kids listen to tod:,v!

Adult: I~s hard fot me to think or talk when the music is soloud.'

... .

Child: That makes me want to .dance.

To the late arrival of a young woman secreta.ry ..Parent: Poor thing looks ~ if she hasn't slept a wink. .

Adulu If she doesn'r make up her time, the other employee,will be di tisfied.

Child: I sure wish I could take time off for fun.

TQ,a lecturer using four-letter 'words .Parent: Using such expletives only shows. a weak voca~u1ary.

Adut/: I wonder why he chooses those wor4s to ItSCand whattheir effect is-oil the audience.

Child: I wish I dared to talk like thc.~

To the smell of cabbageParent: Cabhage really keeps the family heallhy.

A dull: Cabbage has high vitamin C onntent.

Child: Nobody's going to make me eat that sunky stuff.

To anew male acquaintance putting his arm around 'youPurent: Never let a stranger touch 'You.

.

Adult: I wonder why he's doing it?

Chi/d:He scares me:'. .

People can feel, smell. tOUch, speak, listen, look, alld act fromeach ego state. Each ego state has its own programming. Somepeople respond from one ego state more than from the others.People, for example, who .,tend to respond mOst often from their

\

An O-,erjjew'ofTrrJUlJCtIJ,QI Ana!\-'.~s > 23

'Parent ego state vi~ the worid as they. observed their parentSviewing il. In tbis case tbeir ability 10 sense Ibe world forlbem-selves is diminished or distOrted. '

DEVELOPMENT OF EGO STATES

When first' '~ril, lhe -infant's awareness is centered on persona.!

n""ds and comforts. Tbe ~by ...ks to avoid'painful experiencesand responds atlbe feeling lev.el. Almost immediately the infant'sunique Cbild ego slate emerges. (Prenatal influences on Ibe Cbild

. ego state bave-not yet been determined) .' .Tile Patent ego state develops next. It is often first observed

wben the young cbildplays 'at paret1ting, imitatirig. paret1ta1 bebav-.' iQr. Sometimes 'it's a shock for parents to see ihemseJves being

played back. Sometimes they are very pleased .

The. ..,dun ego state develops as tbe cbild trie. to make sense, out'of the world and figures out tbat otber peo.ple can be manipulated.Tbe.child. may ask, "Why do I have toeat when I'm not hungry'!"and may try to manipulate olbers By faking ~ stomacb ache .in

'order',to avoid eating.',

Case lIluot tion. .

Sheri, aged tWe~ty-two months, received- a dolt'-strol1er atChristmas. She tried to climb into it saying, "Me, baby." It '1was too small. She then tried putting her doll in. The doll fit.

'\.Sher! squealed. uMe. mommy,'" and started to push thestrol-

ler but soon grew tired ofpla)ing this part. Angrily she threwthe doll out, pushed over the stroller, righted it, and tried 10get in again. Still she couldrtot fit. Frustrated, she put tbe doUin oneemore.. She tried this switch four tiines. The~ appar-ently deciding she wCStoo big, sbe settled for being .molT,my'ond acted toward ber doll in ways ber mother acted t6wardber. . ,

Shen's motherly behaviOr, an actual imitation of her mother,wa~ from ber Parent ego state. Altbough in ber Child' ego stateSheri wanted 10 be a baby,-'her emerging Adult ego slate collectedand processed obj~ctive data~lbat sbe couldn't fit into tbe stroller. .

'Any. situation may activate a specific ego state an4 soJIletimes,

PLA TE II

EVEN CHILDREN HAVE THREE EGO STATES.

.Rational thinking from theAdult ego state.

.

.

26 !lORN TO WIN .

as in !h~ case of Sheri. different -ego states, within a, person V

.

ie forcontrol. Between two people, one "baby" confronted with another"b,a!>y" may tl)' to be a parent or may try to bi: a "bigger" bal!y:

1NTR0DUCTIOlV '1'0 AlVAL"YZING TRANSACTIOIVSI

Any time one'person recognizes another with a smile, a nod; afrown, a verbafgreeting. etc., this recognition, in Th language, iscalled. stroke. Two or more strok~ make a transaction. All tran...actions can be,classified as complementary, crossed, or ulterior [1).,

Complementary Tran8ac\io....

A co'mplementary transactipllO:ccnrswhen a message. ,sentfrom ~specific ego state, gets tbe predicted response from a specifiC egostate in the other person. .Beme describes a complemental)' tran....action as one which is "appropriate and expeeted:and follows thenaturalorder of heallbY human relationships' [8]. for example. ifa ,wife :who.k grieyiog for her lost friend- is comforted by _asympaihetic husband, her momentary depenilency need .is an.swered appropriately (shown in the diagram below). .

Wife Husbtnd.

A complementarytransaction can ocCur between ~y tWo egostates. For example, two people may transact Parent. Parent whenlamenti'18 their children's leaving bOrne; Adult.Adult when solv-ing a ,problem; Child.Child or Pareno.Child when baving fun to.gether. A person can transact from h,s or her Parent with any of

,ii

Ail Oyeni,w 01 Tm_cIlIlIl An~y.ris 27

the ego s.ates ofimother person a~d can also do this withthe Adul!and Child ego Slates.If the response is the expected one, the trans- .

action is complementary. The -lines of communication are open,. and the,people can continue ttansacting with onc,'another.

.

Gestures, facial expressions, bodY.1"'sture; tone of vOice, and soforth, all contribute to the meaning m every tran"""tion. Jf a ver-bal message is.to be completely understood, the reeeiver must takeinto. consi!leralion the nonverbal. aspects-as well as the spokenwords. . ,

TJI better .;nderstand the fJllldwing illustrations. we. must as-sume that the stimulus isslraiglttforward and the verbal and non-verbal m~es are congruelll Any illustration, is, at best, an edu-cated gu To be totallyaccurale, the actual Parent, Adult, andChild ego states of each persOn would need 10 be known.

Data Exchange in Adulll Adult trans'action Wig. 1.1)

.

I. What is the yearly salary for Ihis. job?

..

.2. It starts al $10,000.

Sympathetic .Porenll Parent lransac-lion (Fig. 13) .I. Those children really miss. their

falher. .

2. Yes,let's take lIIem to the park fora little fun.

PlayfUl Child/Child transaction (Fig.1.4) .'

. .

I. I really lilc;eyou,

2. I like you, too.

Childl Nqriuring 'Parent /ransac/jon(Fig. 1.5)I. I'm so worried about myson I

can~tconcentrate on i?is- report.

2. You can leave work early to go by. the hospital and see him. . I

II

28 BORN TO WIN

A IIgry ChildlLls/ening Adult feed-back transaction (Fig. 1.6) .I. I'm so mad I could throw t!Uidarn

typewriter 'out 'of the window.

2. Something made' you so .angryyou'd like to throw the equipmentaround. Is that how it is?' I

I

In each of the above transactions communictuion is open because Ithe response, given Were expected response. and were appro-

.

I

'priateto the stimulus. This docs not always happen. Sometimes astimulus receives an unexpected or inapprop':iatc'response, andtbe lines of Communi~tion become CfO$Sed. .

Crossed Transactions

When two people stand glaring at each other, tUrn their backs oneach other, are unwilHllg to continue traw.acting, or are puzzledby what has just occurred berweenthem, it is likely that they have Ijl,lst experienced a 'cro:;sed.transaction. A crossed,transactionoc..

"curs when .an unexpected re~ponse is made to the stimulus. An in.. Iappropriate ego state is activated, and the lines of transacting be.

I

tween the people are crossed. At this poin~ people tend.to with:draw,turn away fromeachother,or switch theconversationin ~..other direction. If a husband responds unsympathelically 10 hisgrieving wife, "Well, how do you think I fee!!" he is likely to causeher to turn away from him (Fig. 2.7).

. .

,.

I

Crossed transactions are a frequent source of pain between pea..pie-parents and children, husband Imd wife, OO..a"d employee,

,

~

Alf 0""1",, o/TnuWIC'IMJ' Alflll",. 29

readier 8IId stUden~ 8IId 80 forth. The penon who iniliala a IIW-actioll,expecling a certain response, does not gel it. The, individualis a'QSscd up and often feels diJcounted and mis~ndentood.

Flgu,.,2.81. Boss:

2.Seaetary:

.

What time is it?

You're alwaysin such .hurry~.

~'.

Flp" 2.9.I.. ,Husband: Can you take the. carlO.

be serviced Ibis after..noon?, .

.. Today 1Iron.,Johnny e~. peets a birthday cak, The ' ,

cat has to go tothtyet,.and nOWyou want II\e to.take the carin!

.

2. Wife:

Flgu,.,2,l0.1. Boss: 1 heeil 25 copi.s of ibis

~port for Ih. b9atd.meeling this afternoon.'Can you gel them for ~

Aren'l you lucky you'vegOI me arou!'d to' lakecar. ~f you? .

2. Seael~:

Flgu,.,2.11I., Scientist A: TherJOmay be. 811m.

. variables...e havell'loontldered 'ror thisexperimenL . . .So what, who caresaround here?"

.2.Scientis,1 B:

'30 .JJO~N TO W!N

Figu... 1..l2'1. Wife: rd like to use the ear QD.

Weduesdey . !lighl and,bave a pd visilwith lilY'sister.

2. Husbaud:' Gee; YQu'lIoverwam \0talk to me.

Havt you seeD theWillows ""DIraC\,Miss Smith?

If you ran this de- .parbDeDI the wayYOu're sUJ>P<!SC'd to,

you wouido'l 118ve10 ask me wbore theWiDows contract is.

Figu... 2.14 '. ..

k John: Lei's h;ive~li!.n. .2. Marcia: Cau'l youeve~ be ser;ous?'

1 .

Transactiops may be direct Orindirect, straighttorwardor di!ul-.ed, intense or weak. bldirecr ITamact;ons are three...han~ One.person speaks. to another while hoping to inl1uence the third jVhocan overhear II. For exaniple, a mau may be too fearful to speakdirectly to his boss, so says something to a co-Worker, hoping theboss will' "get the message." .

DiJuled lransaclions are often half hostile, half affectionate. The"mtSsage is buried in some form of kidding. For example, one stu>-dent may say to another., "Hey genius, when are you going to r....ish that book? I waul to read it."The other may toss the book,saying. "Here you are; butlerfingen. Catch il if you 0;00."

Weak/,an_lions are those thai artsuperticial, perfunetor}1.and lack feelings of intensity. Such is the ease if a wife says to herhusband. :'1 wonder if we shoul" go oul fordirmer lonigh!," andhe responds, ."1don't care, dear. whalever you say, dear," .'.

1ft healthy relatiooships people transact directly, slraighifor-wardly and,. 00 oc:easion; inlensely (9). These transactions areeompJemeoU!ry aild free lrom ullerior motive..

Figu... 2.JjI. Supervisor:

2. File clerk:

. An Owniril 0/ r""uactfHJI Anfll,-liI.

UlterIOr Tran..ction.

Ulteriortransaetions are the mOSlcompl.x.Th.y d,ff.r from COlD-plem.ntary and crossed Iransaclions in Ihal th.y always involv..mor.lhan two.go stal.s. Wh.nan ullerior m g. is.senl, il isdi,sguisedund.ra soci.lly a=ptabl. Iransaction. Such is the pur-pose ofth. old cliche: "Would":l you like.tocom. up 10 seeJllY..tchin~?" In this instance the Adu

.

l! is v.rbalizi1!g on. thing ,...hil.Ih. Child, with the use of innaeric;lo. is s.nding a diff.renllJlcssage(Fig. 2.15). .

.

31

j.

. .

..._---...----

If a cat salesman sayswilh a I..r 10his customer. .'TItit UiliIutr lsportscar. bUIil may b. I~racy for you." h. isaending amessag.lhal can be heard by eilher Ihl!cuslom~s Adul! or Child.go .stale(see Fig.,2.16). If tb.e cuslomer's Mull h.ars, Ihe ~spoqsemay be. ."Ves,you',. ripl. consi<1~ringthe r.quirementsofl1lYjob." If the cUSlOm.r'sChild hears. the response maybe;'.:~'1l,take it. It's ju~t what I W&J1t." .

..

..

An ullerior message is also giv...: wh... a secretary s"b",its alelter.with several typing .rrors 10the bOss.this1nvites lhe.boss to

. give the seer.lary a Par...tal put-dow.. (se. Fig. 2.(7). Th. ,ame. .happ.ns wh.n a slud.nUs continUally.Ial. wilh assignme..ts, ab-sent from clas',.writes ill.gibly,oUn some waYlptO'iokes'lh..quival.m of par.ntal erilicism,

32 BORN TO WIN-

Th~ sam~ kind of ulterior Iransaction occurs If a man wbo basbeen a urefQ.nned"aIcobolit;comes to work with ahangever, but aglimmer m bi. ey~, and 'boasts 10 bis co-worker, "Boy, I reaUyblew illast night and drank my~lfunder the lable. Whala headI've gol today!" On tbe surface he is givIjlg faclual Informaiion.liowever, at the ulterior level, Ihe'alcoholic's Child ego slale)slooking. for the Parenl in the olh~r to smile indulgenHy and Ibuscondone his drinking. '

,

',

. ,

. Instead ofa Parf;:Dtresponso,he maY'~ctivate his c:o-wQrkcr.sChild ego slale, and he may respond by lal,lghing al the tragedy. Ifthe cO-work~r laughs; from either his Parenl or his Child ego stale,he reinforces the (parental) injunclion, usually giv~n nOl/verbally.to th~ alcoholic.(as a child), "G~t losl, you bum." This inappro-

,. pri.al~ laugh orsmil~ i.sdescri~d by Claud~ Slein~l8$ th~ gallowst,ansactlon [1!)].Th~ smile serves to IIghlen the noose, and de-'S\ruotive behavior is reinforced. " '

,

Any 'milil!g response toa person's mi.sfortun,es may serve as agal!ows transaction. Such i.s the eas~ when .'

,a teache, acts-amusedat a pupil's'.stupid ~.bavior:"

.

a moth~r laughs al her accidenl:pr~ne Ibr~-year-old,

a fath~r beams over Ih~ riskshis son tabs.

A.~"T~A..,.. 3J',These gallows transacti9J1S,:like olher tranSac:tiooS Wilh ulteriormOiives, ate common among losers., Losers use !hem 10 p(Omotethdr psychologicalpmes.' ,

TBB GAdS PBO.,uPLAY

People play pSycIiological games With one anoiher tlUIIare similar ,

,10games,li& ,,!onopoly, bridge,or check that people play atsocial gatherings. The play"," must know Ihe game. in order ,10play-after aU; if one person en,ten a card party toady 10 play

, bridle, anel cvelYone 01.. i. playing pinochle, chat pombn can'f,

VCZII~:'~'l.~r:t~~ aJivenseto(rules;anelac0nclud-ing payoff. PsychologiCal games. how.ever, have an uIleric!r pur-pose. They are nOt played for fUn. Of co~ nejt'her are sO!hepokerg.m~

',

' '. Berneelerme.a]J3ychofogltalgameas ". recurriilgset of~actions, often rq)Otitiv.e. .uperficially ratiOnal, wilh . COIlCe8/i:4'motivation; or. more CQI)"'Iuially,-as a series OftranS8CliQns with a ,

gimmick' II). Throe specmc elemeirts must be presCntlO definetransactions as games:'

. ,

t an ongoingseries'If cornplemenWy~ which.....,

Plausible ,on 11Iesociallcve!, , ' - ."2. an ulterior transaction which i. ihc DR<\Crlyingm-ae of-

Ihe game, anel ,,,3. a preclictablepayoff which canclu"". Ihe game anti ~ ihc

real purposelOrplaying., ,

Oames prevent ~onest,intimatc, anel open relationships bolWoonihc players.

,

Y,

etpcoPle play them "-use Ihey fiIl,

UPtim7,

pro-voke attentiotl, reinforce early opinions about solf and othen. ancIfulrdl a $C115Cof deatiny.

','. .

"

PsyI:hologicaIpmes are playecilOwin. but. penon who playsgames as a way of life is not a Winner.Sometimes, a penon _,

like . loser in order to Wi"Iha game (fig. 2.19).Forexamplc!,in agame of Kick M. a player provokes JOmOOlleelse 10 a put-doWn~~_. '

.

J!

.

I stayed up too late lastnight and don't have myassignment ready~ (ulte~ '"rior: I'm a' bad boy, kickme,)

,

~

'Innructor,' You're out of luck. ThISis the last day I 'eangiveereciit for that 'assign-men/.(unerior: Yes,youare a bad boy and here

, ~ yourkick.)

Though they may deny it, people who are ~sed to thiS gani~ tend10 attract others who can play the complementary hand' and arewilling te?"kick'"in'response. , .' .

",Every game has a -first move. Some first moves are, nonv~'rbal:

turning a cold shoulder, batting a flirty eye,shakinsan accusatiye'"finser, s!ammins a door" ttlU:king mud in the honse, reading5O",eone'.' mail, lookins wo~begone, not speaking, Other fintmoves'are verba! statements, such '8S:"'

.

BORN .TO 'WIN

Student:

'34 .,.

,.I

, ,

'''You 100k so lonesome over here, by,yourself,.,"How could you g<l to ,scjtoolwearing that get-up!"

"He criticized_you. A.re yoil going to take tbat?"")- have this terrible problem . . .'"

"Iso.'. it. awful ,that. .' .". .

.. ,Barbara an" T<>m'sfavorite game was Uproar. They both knew

the f1rstmovein the game, so'-either ~uldstartit; Once it Wit!started, a predictable set 'of transac~ons occurred ~h-ichclim'axedwith a loud fight. The outcome was always the same~hostile with-drawalto avoid closeness. T!ris was their payoff for playing the 'I,game" the avoidance of intimacy.

"Toset up the game eitl,1erB,arbara or Tom provoked the othet'with nonverbal behavior such as sulking, chain'smoking, with"

,

drawing, :or acting irritated: When the partner wa' "hooked" intoplaybtg, the game was under way. As the game ""ntlnued he/she'g~t a put-off or a put-do",n. After exchanging many ansry words,they fmallY withdreW, from each ot~er.

' "1

\\ .

AII~,oITrtlluGcI.fMl/A"(l1ftll .'_- 35 ~,

'W1ie.BtIrbtuosltJl1. Ih. g_.. lhe 1_110.. an:. '.

"I -

.

1Ioibatv:

Tom:

BiitfNu4:

Tinri:. .'

~:"

.

(Begins poutidS I!Id c/ljUnoSmOking\rilb ral-edgeslliRS) . . . . .

. "W.lial's lb.. mattct'l What's wrong?"

~s n<mcof your busi~!"

, (Goes QUIto the I~bu) \(Ex~ in an~i wb.nb. t.lusns. A long b\lUIe

fd/ed Wtlb ~ns and counlC~itODS.Th. payoff coines wb... Batba(l. .breW ink!

11I1IJiinto'the bedroOm, and .slams the door.Tom rettealS to the kilel..nfor inO~dfiiik. ~malteno:furthct conW:llbal evenmg.)', '.

.

. Who. T_ i.i/lat.. rher_', I;" triJ1l$t1J:llQllSan:. . ,T..: (Faes a dtint. for himself, goes off leBb. dejl. .,id.

cIo~ the <I\>OL)'.' .'BarlkW:. "Wby didn't you [ax It drink for me? Is iIomethbig

WJ'OD8'I'".

.T_: "Can'i levcnbav.a,few minutesalo '... 'lIarlNua: "If you wanlto be ~ l'11lea..~'~(Bar~ ....

sboppiats. buys things theyc:an'tafford; AIJ.drttutns'

carrying sev.ral packag~) . .

(Explodcs in anger abOultheway she spends mol1<:)':th. game comes full c;ircl. wben sb. stam~aw8,y"'ad. and be fi~es his bed in lb. den.)

,Tom,

I\

\"

. GamcSICDdto be repetitions. Peoplefmd lbem..I"es .ayingthesam. words in lb ,.. w.,; only thclime and plaCemay~

. Perhaps II!c replay contributes to wbal is on.n.deseribcd as ,"I f~1as if l\lcdo"lbis before."

.

, Peopl. play games \rilb diffcrcnldcvecs of inlCDlily,from theso,cially~~ rel~ Ievclio Ih. aiminal bomicide/lliicidtlov.l. Bern. wntes: . . . . ,

, .

36, BORN TO WIN

.) A Fint.Desree a'.me is o,ne which i. .oci.lIy .ccept.ble, in the .sent'scircle

" ,

b) A Second.Degree a.me is one from which no perm.nent,'irremed.i.ble dlln.ge arise.; but which the pl.yer. ~uld ,,

r.ther ccincealfrom the public.' ."

II

c) A Third-Degree G.me is one which ISpl.yed for keep..'.nd which ends in the .ursery, the courtroom' or the morgue[12].

',

',Game. .re individUallyp,ogrammed. They are played from theParent, eso st.te if the parent. simes are imit.ted. They .,eplayed from th~Adult ego .t.ie if Ihey are con.ciously c.lcul.te,d.They pl.yed from theChild eso .t.te if they .te basedori e.rIylife experiences, decisions, .nd the .:po.ition that a ~hild I.ke.,about .elf .nd others.

"

DA VS OF DECISION.

'Before children are eighlye.rs oldlhey develop a eonceptal)oulth.irown worth. They .Iso formulate ide hout the worth ofothers. They cryst.lIize their-experience. and decide what il ~11me.n. to them,wh.t part. they .re gains to play, and howthey .resolnS to play Ihem.,Th..e .re children'. days of deci.ion [13). .

When deci.ion. .hout .elf .nd others,are m.de very early.1iilife. they m.y ,bequite unre.li.tic. They are yery likely to be some, '

wh.r, distorted and irr.tional; becau.e children perceive lifeIhrouSh the .mall pee~hole of Iheir existence. These distortionsc.n cre.lesome desree of p.thology ranging from inconsaquen,

. Ii.lto ',eriou.. However,.lhey .eem logical and make seilse allhetime tbe child makes them. Tne following story. reported by BeUy,-

'

a wom.n of forty-three who had been m.rriedto an aI~holic fortwlnty yean, iIIuslPat.s Ihe efTeclof eariy decisions.

,C... IllU8&radoD

My fal!ler was . brutalaleohollc. When he WI" drunk hewould hit me and scream at me.l would try to hide. One daywhen he came home. the door new open and he was drunker,tllan,u.ual, He picked up . butcherknife and Itarted running

All OM"iew (If TNu/1tIdUal AllaQl,lJ 37

throllgh Ihe house. I hid in a coat closet"'Jwas almost fouryears old. I was so ..!Ired in the closet,. It was dark and

,spooky, and things kept hitting mein the f That day-I de-,

cided who men wtri:~beasts, who would only try to b"n me.I was,alarge child IInd I remember thinking. "Ifl were small,er, he'd love me." 'or H]f,1 were prettier.he'd lovc'me." I al-ways thought I wasn't wonhanylbing.

,. '

The "days ofdecisioo'~ leaila person 10 lakepsycliolopcal posi-'

liOIlS(14)..In the above case the.,woman took Ibe posillons; "I'm .~

I1nworth~(lam nol-OK) nd "Men are beas!twllo wilJ~un me(men'are nol-Ol\.)." On t~ basis oflh\\Se ~ilions shelClcctcd,

. people who 'would play cenain roleslhal fil into berlife drama.Sbe married a "beasl" who was also an alcoholiF..ln addilion,

she often playedlhe game .of Rapo at social gatherings. WbJinplayiag 1,.. game, she would engage a man in conve1'$8tiollandlead him on scduetively. If he responded to bermessage,shewould lurn awily,inrightious indignalion,confidentonce more

'that "men are beasts who will hurt me." '\ . ;,

~ \.'. PSYCH0L091CAL POSttIOl'fS

. .~ . ',. ,.

When taking positiOns aboullbemselves, people may conclude:~ f .

'"

I'm sman. I'm' stupid;' I'm powerful. ,I'm.',inadequale. ', .

I'm Nee. " I'm nasly. I'm an angel. I'm a devil.I can't do anything rigbt.' I can'l. do anything wrong.

I'm as good as anybody e t Ikon'ldeserve 10 live.

When laking pOsitions abo~t otbers. people may conchide; ,-

.'

. \..,

, .

P~ople will give me ~nything I waot.,' Nobody will give me,

' anything.,"

,

'.."PeOpl~ are wonderful. People are no dllrnn good.

". \SOmeoriewill help me. Pe",ple arc out 10 get m..

Everybody likes me. ,No¥y likes me.

People arc nice. Everybody's mean.

,'

BORN TO WIN

Jp. general. the' abovtpositions are "I'm OK': or ".',0:-not.OK,'"and "You'fe OK", ()f "You'fe not-OK." The'l"'ychologicalposi-tionstaken about oneself and about others fit mto four basic pat-lefns [IS). The fint is t~e Winnef's ""sition, but even winne~ may

,:occasionally have "'e1ings that feSemble Ibe ,Ptbef three., ",

TMFirst Posilion: "01 OK, You'fe OK

, .is potentially a menially healthy p<>sition. If realistic, J?Coplo;with\his position abouNhemselves and othel'Sca.!!.solvethel~problems

'

, cOJ>StNcti~ely.Theitexpectaiiol\l,are likely"1o be valid. They ac-, cept the Slgmficance of people:,

"

, .THe Sefond or Projeclive I'0sil;on: I'm OK, You're n~t_QK.

"'

is the ,position of pe.rsons who feel yictimited orperseCuted~ so vi~timize and pel'SeCUteothel'S, They blame othel'S for their miseries,DeUrtq...nts and crimmals often have this position and take onparanoid behavior which in. extreme, case~ ma,y lead to homicidc.

'r~e Thirdor,Inlrojecliv,ePositio~:"m~ot-OK"You'rc OK,'is ,a common '~sition of persons who ftel -powerless, when they

, compare themselyes to 'others~ This pO$ition leads tI1~mto w~th."draw, to: experience, depre~siori, and, In severe cases,. to becomesuicidal. "

1

I

,1$. Thefourth or FUli!ityPositi'on: I'm not.OK, You're.not.OK

is the;poSition of those who lose, interest' in living"who ex~lbit,schizoid behavior"and who, in'extreme cases, commi,suicide or

I

'horn icide. "

. ,

IPeople ;'ith the first posilion feel "!,.ife i~worth Ii;:ing.':With, '

the second they feel "Yourlife is not worth much." With t!\e iIIirdthey feel "My life is not worth much." With the fourth iIIeyfeel"Ufe isn't worth 'anything, at all.",

IiIEXUALlTY AND PSYCHQWGICAL poSITIONS

Psychological positions are also sexualized. In the formation ofself~identity, a person tak~~ two positions, or ,appraisals, about his

An ()t'mI1e-.:of Trtm$IIClual,1"alysls 39-

or her self; one is generaiand Ihe.olher is Sexual. So~elimes IheSe ~

pOsitions aie.'similar, Sonielimes different. For example, s6me~leta'1<e "n OK position abouI1hemseiveo as studen,is,work-ers, and, so (orth, !)IJllake a nOI-QK position ~lI'Itbem~rveUs, .

\\\ale of ferriale. When tIIis oCcuts,sexual gamessueb as R(ljxI.and .Ki DJTmay he pl!!yed,. . . ", . .

. .' Tbeallejent.mytb ofCadmllS,re(li:~ts IhisdUa\\de"titj" Callmu..washW'ly competenlal bliildbigthuncienl cilyafTtiebes bUla'failUre in his sexII.1 toleSwilhhisfllllli1y.:Hi& offsPn"g bl\d '1!.ILr'tna*C4Iies;lIIewell-l<noW!>.~dip'!S as O'1eof )lis ~~~, ,,'

, tn Iicoun$e1illggroup' a \il6dem Cadrrius; exPfCSSing'~~'"PfOtJltm, said, ~I,k"l"" I'm a capable "lfltilC~blltl feci/iie.

h'op" Jiman""e~ecjally aI home willtmy family;" A womanre'sponde<l. ~Iknow how you. ftel. I ma<,teIbehigileS\. 8fa(jeso('anyone in my se!liOHla$s:bUll really (\on'lreel feminine,';M,anystalements jndicaIC a pSycholOgical posiiiOn relaled to ap i""lar

.

.

. seil.I16l' '.' ..". .' .....

I;Unever qel a "".n(wom",n).' i'U n~er be:a man (womlill)!.'r;;' h..nd.:orne(beauliful)., Women !'Bn'lhe Ifllsl..i.

.

W,omenate tyn<ntS...

Men are Iyrants"

Womell ar. ~weeland lender.. .'. Men will prOl"", me..~ ~.

S()m~people lake .Ihe position lhai one sex is OK and Iht other i. .

'.nol-OK,: .' .',

.'

Men are inte1li~ent.buIWolnen are stupid.

Men.'are dirty, 'but women~~e pure;. .

On" a. pasi lion is laken, Ihe persall seeks 10 keep his or herworld predictable by reinforcing it. It becomes a lifepositioo.fromwhi<;hgames are plaYed and scripts actedoul. The more severe,lhepathology, Ihe mare Ih. person feels pushed to reinforee it. ThisprOCess can be. diagramJ!l.ed. as follows:

..

.Expericnces-+ pecisions-+S~pl . .

PSychological- ReinforcingPositions . Behavior

--

I

I

. ,'--

---

--

,

~---

,-

42 BOliN TO WIN'

INTRODUCTION TO SCRIPTANALvins.

~ - . .A script ~ be briefiy defined as the life plan, very mucb lil<e.adramatic stage' ptpduction, Ihal an individual feels compelle<!'loplay,oul.

""".

A script is related to theearty decisions ~nd the positions takenbya cbild. It is in the Child ego state and is "wOllen" throug., theIransactions belween parents and.lbeir child.. The games thaI 81"e.played are part of Ibe script, Wbenthe posi.lion~.and game. are ..

identified, a 'person can become more awaie of this life script. '. .....

c illustration"

In counseling. Fred reported, "If I beard il once.,lbcard.iI abundred limes, 'W!uilaslupi4lbingtodo, Fred.€"':lyou doanything righl?' I couldn't even talk ful enough for my"fol~~,and I still stulter sometim~s. When I went 10 school, Ijuslco'lldQ'(seemto doal\ything right. Iwas always at the bottomof the cilUiS,andIcanre'!'entber teachers saying. 'Fred,lhat'was a Stupid.question.' Teachers were jusllike" my"mont. .Wben they read the grades out loud, myname wo"lasl.apd'the kidSlaughed al me. The'; 'I gOlto bigb.scboOl, and, thecounselor said I' could do belter. Tbal I wasn't dumb, jultlazy. I jUsl \lon'l gel it.':

. In subsequent counseling sessions Predleamed that early in.lifebe had taken the position, "I'm slupid, I'm not-OK." He thoughlof himself as afailure and acted oul therolc. Tbougb be did poor-ly, Fred remained in scbool,played Ibe game of Stupid,.andevoked negative comments, low grades, and nagging from hi.. leacbers. Tbis.reinforced his basic psycb,?logical position',

'Fred discovered his scripl was thaI or a loser. In his Cbild egoslalehe felt slupid and played Ibe parI of Stupid. He also discov-.ered'lhal his Parent ego stale agreed. with \his position IU)d thus

,

encouraged him 10faif.Fred's analysis of his ego stales gave 10hbAdult tbe objective data about wbo he was, how he.got tbat way,and where be was going with his life, It took Fred a wbile todocidewbicb ego state would conlrol his life. Finally, his Adult won out.He enrolled in college and mainlained good grades., After di~ering his loser scripl. Fred dedded that he didtj't

,I

. .c.O_., c~Qj,"'. 43have 10be alo""r. He could become a winnct if he chose 10.Berne,writes, ''The ultimalegoal oftrl!Jisactional_lySis is theanalysi. .

. ohcriptS; since the scripl delermines the destiny and i!lentily ofth~ individoal" [f1J.

..'

..

.,

Modem~Ie wearmany~and bavemany.formaof ariooi'tha1kecp thbirrcality ~...ed and unkooWn, even IOthcmselvcs.Thepll5Sibility of encountering one's reality~leaming aboot one's

""lf~ be frightening and fruatratiDi~ Many people expect 10discOvct Ibe wonl. A bidden fear lies in the fact thallheY' IIlaYaIsqdiscover lhe beS/.' .

'

.

Todibver theworsti. 10face Ibe dCclsionofwbclher or 00110connone it! ihesamepaiiuns, To leam tbe best is 10.faC<!~ <¥:-

,

. siooofwhether or not Iolive up 10it. Either discovery may involvechangeand.islherefore,anxiety-plo~king, However, this can' be a.crealive 8IWcty which niay bethoughl Of as excitem"",...the ex'citement of eahanaag .one'spossibililies for being a'winner.

Tr sactionalan~sjs is a 1001yck can use Iol<now yonrscJf,1oknow now. you relale toolhers;andlo disCover .the dr81118lic

,courSe your life is taking. The. uni~fpersonalily slru~ure is :Iheego sllilc. By 1:M:<omjagaware of your ego states, you can dislin-sWsh between your various sOUJ'CCSof thoUghlS, feelings, aad be-havior paltems, ..You can discover where Ihere is discord' andwhere there is.agreementwithio' your own pe~riaJjty., You:can.become more .ware of Ihe ,oplions..vailable 10you.

. . 'Tbe unil of measure ininlerpcrsonal rel.tionshi/" is ",e tnins-

action. By analyzing your transa'etions, you can g&ln amore, con.scio,," control of how you operale wilh other people and ho'Ntheyoperate with you. Y00 can determine when your transactions arecomplementaty, crossed, or ullerior. You can .Iso discover whal"8am..~' you play.. '. .'

, .J' ;,,Transaction.l alySis is a practieal frante of refore~Jrom.

whichy"u can. evalua\cold decisions ,and beh.vior and ch gcwhat r'u !lecide is desirable for you 10 ehange. ' '

-. "

44 BORN TO WIN

EXPERIMENTS AND EXERCISES

Find a place where. you will not be ihter(llpted. Taking eDo.,,8htime to ima.sinc each fantasied situation in detail, ~ns'ider thequestionsthat follow. .

.1. ~DDIn8 to K,;qw.YOIII'Eao State..

'Your Parent .'. Think of one thing you now 110which you ""pied fro';' a par-ent figure and perhaps repcat to yout spouse, children,. friends,or co-workers. _ ' .

._

.

.Think of one parental message you still hear in your head andobey, fight against, or reel confused ~bout.

Your AJi./1.Think of a rectnt situati0l' in.which you .believe yO\l gathere<i,. facts and on the basis Of these facts, made a reasonable

decisipn. ".Think of a recel\t situation in which you felt hostile andaggressive (or sul.ky, depressed, and so forth), yet were able .to

. actreaspnably and appropriately in'spite of your feelings.

l41ur Child

. Think'of one form of manipulation you used succ~ssfully as a. child that.J'ou 'stilluse. .,'

.

'. Think of oni: thing you did for iun as a child thill you still do.

Z. Your E,o Statea aDd,FeeliDlf8

,Imagine you are at home alone on a stormy night. Yo'U'vcbeen ,

asleep forseveral hours. The doorben rings unexpectedly andby the sound of the clock's strikillg you know :t is 3:00 a,~..What are your feeli"85 and. thoughts? What would you do?

.'.,' -.How would you have felt as a child? Do you feel this now?

. An Oimiew ofTTtlrlsactuaiAnalysis... 45-. What would each of your pare~ts have done? WoiJId your be-,

havior resemble that of one of your parent figures?.What do you thjnk' is the "best" thing to do?.

,

.Imagine ,yo;;',ii, gone to work a usuil.T~e boss. looking tenseadd angry, is there to m,eet you and immeiliately lightS i.ttoyonfor something you forgot to do. ,',

"oWhat are yourf~elings and thoughtS? What, W'ouldyou dO?.How would you naVe £eltas a child if the bc$ss was apltont"r

. leache(l Do you feel Ihis no~?, '.What would your parents have done? .would you be Uke,ei-

ther of them? ,'. ,

. What do you think is the "best" thing 10 ,do?

.",

, .

3, Analyzing a TranSaction. ~ .'

Think back to a transaction you had tOday. l)yto c!il\8rarn it.

"Do you \hin1< there' was an ulterior transac.tion thu was con'cealed under another message? If so, inchide ;tin the diagram;

\\

4.Your OKne88

";

.'..'

(magine'yOU areJaCC'to-fai:e with 11IIimportan,t person wholooks you directlY'in the eye and asks, "Do you feel OKor not-OK?" .

.

.What wouid be your feelings and tho~ghts?How would, YOllrespo~d? '

. .

Ii

46 . BORN TO WIN.Can you recall when you decided you were OK or not-OK?.Imagine that scene. Who was there and what happened? Try

to re-experience it.. .

., 5. 'Your Se~ OKnol8i"

(

Il1I4gineyo~If in a SItuation i.nwhicl1 your sexual roie .. im-portant. Picture yourself asa spouse, boyfriend/ girlfriendf orparent. Do you reel lil<e an OK or not-OK male or female?

I. .. ..Think.had to your parents' attitudes about yo"r maleness or

femalen Try to remember any words that wetesaid.. Try to rtH:~Jtperience one: incident that YtJucan remember tfiat

had.'o do with your sexuality.

,.

.

. ,

,.

3

The Human Hunget' /Or'

,

StrOkes and Time Stn:#Cturlng,

.If y~ulOllch' mo soft a~d g."tI.Ifyou/ook 01muM sml/ul mo . 'Jf.you I1Sl0N'Id m',la/k somtllma btf~" you la/IeI will grow, rtil1lygrow.

"

.Brad/oy (ago 9) , ' ,

.

'

Every {)Crso

.

, n has the lIeed to he tonched tnd

,

tOlier.

ec:o~' d by,

.'otherpeople,andevery{)Crson1latthe,need.todo 80me with ,

, the time hetWeen birth alld de.a~h. These are DIolostca1 an .pay.'chological,needs that Berne ca1b ~hungen.'" ,

",

''. The hUDsen for touch and reOOSnitio..,can he appeased withstrolces, ~hich are "any actimplylll8 recognition ofano\her'sp"'"en,

ce',

' [IJ;Strckes,

~,

n.he given in th

,

e.rorllt ofactval phY8iW~, ',

UcIt,

or by some symbolic f"no ofrecopl!ion snch as II lOok, a wOrd.'.geOlUfe,or ~y act that ..ys "Ikno... you're there "

'

, ,

People'sbungerror strokes "ften determines, what the)' do with, their time. They may. for example. spend millUtel, houn, or a life.

time tJyIng II>getst;okes ininany ways, ineludi1lS playin8Pycho.l()gicalgames. The)' may spend minutes. houn, or a lifetime lIjyill8to avoid strokes by withdrawing. " '.

';0

.

STROK~G HUNGnI, ,

, fnfanl8 will not srow norma[ly without the touch of othen/1J.This need is lUually;lnet in theceveryday intimate trallllCllOIIJiof,.diapering" feeding,. burping. powderins. fondliilg,-and car.-Dg

,

that nurturing patents give their babie~ $omethl~g aboul \ICingtouched stimulates ininftnl'schemiJlry for mental' and physicalarowth. InfaDl8 who are negleo.led. ignored, or for any reas<,n <\<,not experience enough touch. suffer mental and phySic~1'deleri".ration even ,to the ,point of death. "

,

.' '. .47

"

.48 BORN TO WIN

New-born infants, isolated from normal\Ouching after birth,young children place1 in detenli9n facilities, and children reared

'

under the theory thaI picking upbabie, spoils them" may bave a\Ouc:hdeprivation $imi\ar 10serious nutribonal deficiencies. Both,impair p'owth.

,

' ,,'

Ampng transactional analysts there i, . saying, "If the ,infanl isnot stroked, his,spinalcord ,shrivels up" (3). The documentaryf1lm .s:ecomtC"","",[41 which is SIID1Diarizedhelow, dramatically'illuitrate$ the tteed for \Ouc:h.

'

c.8e ma-Uon

When S)ISaD'Sfather lerther al a large cIillclren', hospital, shewas 22 Months 9Id., However, she weighed only IS, pounds(theweighl of a fivc-montjl.old bPby) and was 28 inches tall(the averaae hei

,,

.gh,

I 9f a"len-month.,old). She had practicall,

yDOmOtor ski11s,could DOlcrawl, could not speak or even bab-ble.If people approached her, she Withdrew in tears. ,After three weeks durin! which no one had come \OseeSusan, a SQCia\wor.l<ercontacted the mother. 89th mother'.andfather were 'aoove a-.gein educati9n,yet the m9thOr

. complained,."Babies are a jK>8rexcuse f9r human heiD&',"She dc$:rihed.Susan asnol 1ikin,g'" he held and wanting \0he leftal9DC. She d she bad given up tryingtc> make con-taCt With Susan and, in regard'" taking care of her" admitted,. :-I d9n't wanl

'"d9 thaI anym9re.~. ",

"".mi oonsSOOWed DOj>hysital reason for Susan's extrememental and physiaol retardation, and her case was diagJ\<>!c:das "maternaJ dcprivaoon syndrome."

.A volun~ substilu~ m9ther was called in 10give Susan 19"-: ing care f9r six lIOurs,II day, fIVe days a w~t, The hospital8tafI' ais<>gave Susan much a,uenti"", ~ she was h~ld,roc:bd, played With, and fed WIth an abundance of phy.s!caltouc:hing.. ,,'

Tfoni9llths later, alth9Ugh she was still markedly retarded,S_ had a highly developed affectional respoD'e,~he h!ldais<>ped six pounds and bad grown two inches. Her m9\Orability was greatly im~. She could crawl and could walk

TMH_ H... f" S, <WIn. S 49If holding on. Without fear sh. c:ouldr.late to ..ltitiy. strang-

, T.nd.~ lovingcar.'hadhadaremarkable.ffect on S_

.As a child gro older. ih.ear1yp~ hung.rforlldu8Jphysical touch is modifi.d and becomes recognition hunger. A$II1i1.. a nod.: a word,' a frown. a gesture eventuaU)' replace sometouch Strokes. Lik. touch. thq;e form& of recognitioD, wbeIher

, positiveornegativ...wnulate the brain of the on. recei¥inl themand serve iO verilY for the dIiJd the filet that she or h. is ~ '!'Id.

,alive., Rec:ognili~ stnJkes also keep the dIild's nervous ¥Ie""froro "shriveling." .

" . ' 'Som. pc:opl. need a great deal ofreeognition in order, to 'eel ~

c:ure. This bunger can be stronglyfelt ,anywher~in the hc> the'.!tassroom. even on the job. In an iJldustrial sitwition a su~rc:omploinedthalone of his lab worton was ~,too much.lim. at the waterc:ooler.leaviJighis isolatad lab evciy~hour loot-ing for somcon.lo talk to. Th. $lipervisor, anerbelng tni ,n ,

T A.'mad. il a practi<;e to poI<. his head in the lab al iptervaJs fou ,

bri.f. fri.ndly c:onversationwiththis Wo/'ter.The trips;into thehallWttydiminJshed~ably. ,As this ,SIIPerViSOr~th.varying hu~ needs.forrecognitioncOnftontanyOllCwlloworkswith peopl.. Effectivemanagers,~ often thosewho _

. abl. to 10uch and recoSJlite ~ appropriate1y.

POSmvE STROKING

Th.laclc ofsuff.aenl strok.. alwayshaSa detrimentaldf~ 00,peopl..Although .ither negative or """itive strokes may stimulatean infanl" body chemistty. il takes positi.. stn)kn, to de-yelop.motiOnally healthy persons wi'" nse of QKo,ess, Positivestrokes ranso in valu. from the minimal moinleJJanoe ofa "hello"to the depth encounter of intimacy. '

.', '

So ,trok.s are merely $1Idac<icoc:ounters. These _ sillJpt.transactions'whiCh c;an be thought of as-maintenance"\"Okes. 'They lIS!Jally lad< meaDiBgful 4;iOI1tenibut at least pve retopi-

. lion.,keep c:ommuniclotiooopen. and main~n the .penon's ......ofbeiog alive' Greeting ritUals such as bowing and sbakingJlands

, ~struc:tllfedways forgetti",and giviilg s\!.'Okesof.this natu.... ~ve strokes are,u5t1al/y c:ompl.mentar'j tIa~ns "'al

are dl~approprial" and relevanl to the ,Ituati"". When strokes. ~ !JI .., __

.

'.

50 BORNTO WIN

are P2'ih~e, they leave the person feeling good~.alive, alert, andsignificant. Ata gIeater depth they enhance the inc:liv1d~al'. .enseof well.being, endorse the person's intelligence, and, are bftenpleasurable. The feelin§s beneath are,feeling. of ~oodwill andconvey the I'm OK, You re OK po$ilion.lfthe .trokmg i. a~then-tic,.hon,estly jibes with t!l,efacti, and is nOIoverdone, it no~ri.hes apenon. The individual'. winning streak is ""panded.' "

A parent gives a positive IIroke by.wooping up !Ii. or her' childspoJltaneou.ly ~ith "Oee, I love you'" A s~pervi$Or give. aposi.hve stroke by answerin~ a ,s"bordil!ate's que.tion .traig!lt. A clerk.Ives a CUS\Ol1)era, posItive oke by gIeeting the customer withfrOOOd momins.'J

:'. ',Positive strokes Are often an expression of affechonate or ap.

preclative feelings:.'

~ : ttY~uJre sure run ,to dance with.';

"I'm glad I've got,you for a son." , ."Yo\/, really saved the day fOf me hy fini.hing that rep0rl."

"It's a, pleasure 10 work in the sl\l1le am.. with YOII."

Positive stl'()kes are .ometimes compliments:

"You look gOod enough to be on a magazine' cover;"

~Having a girl around'is$reat," .,"Your flower arrangement. really brighten up the am..."

"You swim'like a champion.'"

"That's a gocrd.looking 'P0rl jaCket you piCked'out."

"Your proposal is cleal; concise, andj~sl what weneeded..'''

"Poiitive strokes can also give people informali9n abOul their

competencies. can' help thelll becomemor. aware oftheir individ.ualsldU. and resources. For example,olf a father has hi. son mow.the lawn and then, lays. "You mowed the lawn well. It reallylooklgood and larpreciate ii," he allows the SO"to infer positive thingsabOut himself and io know Ire,has speeific abilities. This helps himto mlrlntain his I'm OK, winner position.

.

One Woman studentrepOrled that her parents had COnstantly

The HllmIUIH"nger!orSrrokes oflll Tilnl StruduriRg 51

evaluated her performance with uYou.re !iuch a sweet, ni\.~ girl!"This SlrQking was not unpleasant but when, at forty. she soughtemployment and was asked what she could do, the parent tapewas turned on again, "¥ ou can be such a sweet. ana nice girl." .

The same is true of strokes given from one grown.up to another.For example. a new secrejaty who capably.wards off an unwantedoffici: visitor, may ,«complimented ,with uYou're, an angel" io..stead of "I appreciatt the f~ you used in handt'mg that perion."Althou.ghmany secretaries enjoy occasi"1lally being !'IIiIed an

,

angel, if dO<!sti',give them much data on, their job competencies.especiaJiy if they're "ew. . ", '

A cbild, c.eeives positive simkes whell' a parent. teacher; or 8"

[

'

,frend gives a warm "hello," uses the child's. name' (pronounced'accurately), looks the child in the face attentively, and most im-portantly, iistens without condemnation to what the ehillOw tosay.boutpersonal feelings and thoughts. All preserve a sense ofdignity.

' '.Listening is.one of-the ,finest stro~es OIle,perso:i1can givean~'...

other. ThCf,most effective listening'involve~ focusing aU o'ne"~", .artention on the. ~aker, a, discipline wmcb eanbe lear:ned.

,

Many unaware ordisintercsted people never develop 'the skill,.

, consequently:'

Chililrencomplain. "My parents never listen to me."

. P~tscom~ "My kids ne~er listen':to"me " ,

Husbancis and wiv~ cOmplain, "He 's!;te)'never really helUSme/" .

;' ':'

Bosse. complain, "lfI've fuld'him on~e. I've told hima hun.dred times. and'he still does~'t listen." ,

SubOt~inates complain, "No~y up thereeverlist~s to iI$.u

"

A person...00haSbeenIis«enedtoleav~ theencollnterknow"ing ,th,at his or her feelings. ideas, and opinioI\s have been reJlUyheard. This perso1t has not beon "turned off,", but has J\eeJI'given.~tiv~ feedbac~, Active listening, sometimes ..lied reflllClive. lis:.

, tening, invowes giving verbal ~clback oftheronlent ofwbat wassaid or done along with a gu...at the feeling ~"demeath the spo-ken wo/ds' or acts, These are verbalized. Reallistening.does notnecessarily mean agreemenL It simply means clarifying alld un.derstanding Another person's feelings ,and point of view. .

S2 BORN TO WIN

When a teen-age. bpy COmes home, throws his. books on. thetable, and groans, "School issur~Iousy."the mother who Hstenswill say something Ii~e, "School seemed lousy today, and you'refeeling pretty mad about ids that/ight?"

. .

When a Secretary suddenly begins to make anum ber of typingmi.st~kes. mutters inaudibly, and snaps 2:t,office visitors. '8 bosswho really listens will say something like, "From what you justsaid.yousound~pset,. Are,you?", , _,

' '".

.In.the above cases the Adult feedback transaction-is used. With-out co~demning or c6ndoning, the A<jult listens to both the con-

. tenfand feelings that the. otper person expresses from the. Childego state~The receiverdoes~otengage in "I" talk, but emphasizesthe Uyou'1 message. This-ttansac~j.on is appropriate when one per;-son has had strong feelings activated and needs to be listened torather than lectured-to.

One teacher who had discipline problems 'inhis clasSlearned touse this transaction withra sJdl!,"thatimproved the tPne of his class.He eonfessed,"When I firsl>tri.ed this active listening, I real!y hadto delil with my Parent and Child in my head. My first reaction toany behavior J didn't like was Parent, and I wanted to spank andscold the kid. My next teaction was Child. I felt very 'inadequatewhen kids misbehaved, and I thought, 'Boy,'rmalousyteacher orthis wouldn't happen.' Once I learned another way to respond, 1didn't feel so inadequate or like,scolding anymore, The kids seemto have a beller feeling about the class, too." . . .

Everyone needs strokes and iflhey do not get enqugjl positiveones, they 9ft.n. provoke negative ones. thildren can becomebratty or delirtquem, inviting parents to slap, scald, arid degradethem. Spouse-scan whinc,overspend.. stay out late, flirt, drink,fight, or in some way provoke confron~ation. The same applies to

The HilmfNI'Hunger for Stroke..v dnd Tirrw Siructllring ~53

a working environmeor (5]. Workers can stall, IUf\ke mIstakes, hurtthemselves. Studies show that if a job situation is sterile offeel.ing..the production goes down and conflict emerges. It app~rs

. that f~r children and grown-ups alike, negative attention is betterthap, none. . ,

DISCOUNTING ANI;I NEGATIVE STROKING

If a parentdiscounts an infant's feelings and needs, healthy devel-opment is "thwarted. A discount is,either the' lack of ~ttention ornegative altention that huits emoti<.nallr or physically. A'child

, who is ignored or give~ negative .strokes, rec_eives1he message""You are not OK," A person who' is ignored, teased"diminished.hU'l'ili~ted, physically degraded, laughed at, canednam

.

es, orridi-'culed is in some way being t~ated as insignificantl The indiyid,~lis being discounted. -Diswunts always carryan,uJteriorput-down.

_Many Corrin of discourtting center on wiving ptoble,!,~' A dis.;counl occurs if (I) the probleni itself is nol taken seriously. (forexample, if the mOlh~r walthes TV while baby cries), (2) the sig-nificance of the problem isdenied (a super;visor says, "~Vo",take II. _ail too seriously. It's just not Ihalimvortant."), (3) the sDlution is .denied ("There's nothing you can do about a waywardhus-band."), or (4) a persondenies'her or his own ",'.pacity to so!"ea.

_ problem ("1 can't help it if I'm cr~bby. It's not my fault.") [6).If a wife \flakes an honest inquiry of her. husband, "HoIIOy,

wherl will you be home for dinner?" and he responds po pou$ly,"I'll b~ home when you see me coming,"'she i.sdiscounted. tier'.s,isnificancc is diminished by the ulterior message of "'You're notimnortant." From th~ toxic transaction she is likely, to experiencepain., ,', - ,'....

Being discounled..is always painful. lIetWeen parents and chil-dren it lead. 10 personality pathology--crealing lose"', 'Be"~ngrown-up

.

s it leads to unhappy hu,,!.

an relationslijps or feeds inlo'desWuctive or ugaiI)'! ~owhere" scripts, .

'". .,'_ .As we saw,in Ihe Case Illustration aboUI Susan, ignoring is a disc

astrollS way of discounling a small chi.ldeEarl's case ;,ssomewbat.similar. As a liuleboy he was rarely sp"ken t.odirectly by his par-'.ents. One day, in desperation forsbme kind of direelenOOUnterwith them, he sJ11aShedabole in the .bedroom wall with his base-ball bat and waited for their ,esponS!'. No response was forthcom-

. .

54 BORN TO WIN

ing; his parents ignored his action. The lIext day he overheard hismother sayillg, "Earl must have fallen against the waIL There's ahole ill it" fl.epeated incidents of beillg ignored so discoullted theboy that he became psychotic.

The e.ffects o~ insufficient touch can carry over into adulr life., -

Case Illustration ,..,Howard wa1 an only child. His mother was forty-one ilttd hisfather fifty-eight wlten he was born. He was reared in a four_teen-room house on a tWo-acre pl",t of ground very isol.tedfrom neighbors. Howard <iescribed his parents as <;001andaloof. Although they touched him if a'*'luteIY'lIeoessary,they never displayed a' .pontaneOus burst of affection-athrowing.of arms around him. . ;

-' As a !!T0WII-UP,Howard would IIOttou,chhis wife and ""iI.droll. He rationalized his oooille.. -by,proclaiming, as his fa- --ther had, "Public display of affeclion i$ in poor taste,'''and"DoII't kisS me ill frollt of the childrell, Alice. No tell~g whatthey -might thill~!". ' _

How!,rd was a teacher but foulld iruncomfortable to be withpeople alld avoided them whehever,he could. He refused tomeet after class with slUdellts or parelltS, avoided fa<;ol-ty meetillgs, alld described himself as "lIoi able to getanywhere;~'

,

Howard's being insufficiently touched as a child' contributed tohis lIonproductive script. He was indeed goirig nowhere ulltil hediscovered how to give alld receive strokes. His learning to do thisimproved his home life 8I\d his career. -

Parellts ignore and fail to stroke their childrell for mallY ,rea-SOliS.MOSLoftell because ip their OWIIchildhood they were them-~Ives IIOt touched ellough and learned to "keep their distance."

Other parents, sellsillg their OWIIilltense all,el, try ,to ke.=p"hands oft"' as a deterrellt-for "knockillg the ~id . block olT," Asone iather said, "If I eVer touch her, I'm afraid I'n kill her. In fact,once Whell my father got mad, he threw my sisler Qut of the win-dQw. HerskuUwas fractured and she,never.recovered,'"

Still other parents 'ignore their children becauSe they reselltthem and the J'e'IP0llsibility that accompanies them. ResearchIn-

TheHIIWlphHllngerfo.rStrokesundTimeStructuring S5

dicates that as many as 700,000 unwanted American children areborn each year [7]. Many or these children are never accept.d byth~ir parents and Jive in an .motional climate of hostility andrCJccUon., .

On. mother describes. the.emotional .climate she created be-

cause of h~r'resentfur teactimi:; to ,her son, Dibs,. asix.~ear-oldschizophrenic who WaS~nsidered m.ntally retarded although hjsintelli80l\~ quotient was i~8:

. .. J

... \. ,

H. is a yery dimoul! child to und.rstand. I.have triOd. R.ally, I.bave lried.But I,have failed. Froin~the beginnin.g,wben he was an !nfant~I coutdno\understandbia,: I had never rejil1y known .aoychildren beroreDi~5. I bad,'nb real experiencc:u a.woman with cluldrc;n or babies. ,1didn't, have: the,

'slightest idea whadhcy we~ like. reall)' like as persons, thatis',lknew all,at,out -them biologically, physically, and medically. But ~could never un-derstand Dibs.;He Was such a heartAChe-such a disappointment from rl1:emoment of his birth. We hado'tplapned on having ach~d; His cOa~pti~was tn accident. He uPset aU our plans. I had my professional clltcet, too.My hUSbandwas proud of my accomplishments. My bus~and anci I :wereverybappy beft;)cfeDibs: was: born. Andwhenhc was bOrnhe ytras,so'differ~~~I.-so biund ugly. Suob a bil!o'Jiaoe1ess cbunk of a thing! N01, pqn!iV.at aU., Intact. he rejected me f~omd1e>momentbe wasbor8. HewouI4~tit. ,

fOIl'and cry ev.ryti.,i I pick.dbim up! . ... . /.:,. .

Mypre'gQ~c.r WIS

.

,very diciicUlt.

.l w_¥very

.

'in,mO

.

8toftb~um.~. A~dmyhusband resentedl11Ypre8'QIocy;H. tbought tb~t I "OI,ldbavlfpre\<en!edit. Oh, I dbn't blame bim.lresented ht,too.We couWn~tdo ahy o(the

. thin.. W. u$Cdtod<'!together; couldn't go 8I!yplace.l suppose I sb0uldsaythatwe..didn't, I)ot couldn't. My husband stayed away moreancl--ntQTe,'buried himself inh~swork. He is ascientist, you know.A brilliaM man! Butremote. And very. very sensiti~e'l8]\ "

I.gnoring and isolati~g people are well-known forms of punish,. ment even for adults.. Such punishm.nt deprives persOns of even,minimal stroking. and l.ads to int.llectual, emotional., and physi-cal deterioration. .' , . '.

If a discount is deliver~ through negatiVe stroking, the not-OKnt..sagtbs.nt either openly or by implication. To.. little girl's re- .quest, "Can I wear my new dress'" direct discount could be"You're sa sloppy you'U pr<;>babl.ywreck itth~ fitS! da~." Anim

.<"plied discount could be,"HoW gan we'be $ure ou won t he cart- .

.less?" In eith-er'case the r. m en can't be te '.. 0 n, It ISnohh.words but t . intent1"hich is expressed by

tone of voice, facialexpression, ~..ture, posture, and so fot1h,that' .

BORN,TO WIN'

make$ a str9ko oJle .9r and De tiv r strai I and

us an gIVesa posotive str!)ke to his wife by sayms.when. he coDieshome from work; However, if a fe derk callsa customer "h0I!~Y'" she is likely to be discoUl!ting, Implying thaI.O>ecuslomer. is 2Ullibl.;~sometimesllenlbypeoplewho CaoetiolJslysay th. opposite 9C what they mean. The fqUowing statem~tsmay. on r, ap as compliments, but if said sarcastically orconlemptuo. y, t ey ve strokes. The real message isllent by an ulteri<>rtran$ae\i91>Ibrough iMuendo. Such is the casewhen. .

"You look great in thal.sweater" is said with adisapprovinglook. .

"Thafs really good for the typewriter" is said ~ywhen someone: is erasing di=tly over the wl'rking mec:ha-nism. . ~ .

. .~ .'"Your re~ is realiy somelbing"is said with a ...eer:..~Well.good for you'" is said with a tone of di ~

FalSel1aiteiyand false compliments delivered under the velloCsincerily ~ealso forms of diseounting: . .. .

'.'~

"Greal idea'" says a oornmiuee clIairrnan, alttioughhe may.really thiltk O>eidea is ullel .., . .

"You're doing a greal job" says a ~ altbough the sales vol-ume has JUSIdropped. .

"ThaI hairdo is gorgeous" says a friend, when it's actually un-'beooming. '. .

1 .'

~'Teasing rc;marksand gestures can beallother form"C disoount-

ing. A husband who says"No wonder the bumper'1 draggiJ1g.wjthyou in lliehaek Ileal" is likely to he npressing

"real hostility

toward his wife hec&UIIeshfl overweight Altho1lP adults canlearn to a I ..

. when leasiiii:reilly"liiiiii11ieDi,IS.I very for children. Bacb writes:.

Psrenls fuoIlhemselvesthac children like to be e.t In truth, they pUI up.with it at best to """."mmodate the parenls~ need for . hootiIi,>: release.

\-.

11ftH_ HII",. fOt'SII'oicatIIIdTimI Stftu:tvrllft S7

When C~ a1low 1hcmsclv.. to be d lik~ "gQOd sporto," they arc,"".aIIy juSi ~uugry fur parcrttal attoutiuu, They arc acccptiug .be teaSingor od1er hostilities assubstitutcs for genUineencouragemenl To be teasedisbeuerdianto~ipi-d(9,1 ..'

,- ""

.

. ."

.

Child bauering i$ an extreme form of discoDliling usually car-, ried 0111by parentswho wereth~selves hottere4-The chaia of

'houering can continue thrOugh several generations unless m9t'C, acleqDllt,epatternsfor parenl behavior are developed.. In America

il is estimatedthai 60,000youngdtildren""'

killed Or_rei,,

bealen.C8ch year .at the hands of their paren1S. In San Francis;Oalone, 60 to 100children who hove heen m4im<!d by a parenl conieto the ~tionof authorities each year.' .'

. ParentalviolenceloW"'" dtildren takesmany'forms.One fa.!Iter; whO used pain asa tiaining techoiqu.e, burned his child~s lin-ger wi!lt amau:h while c\aimittglie was leaching biin 10 su.y' aw~yfrom r~ Another father whipl?"dhis soa and lied him.lo the hed.for slealing a penny off the ,dreiser. One motherbeal hermcinth-old infant, causint bIo(K\ cIo1Son his brain, and interpreted It, "/'10one loved me an my )ife,and then I had my hobyand th()ught he,would. When he cried I thouglit he didn'llove me, so I hit him.'Hedi~. . '

Child.holletin n1Sus y need llrof ""~) trealm~an 0 want it. ost 0 them have an inadequate Parent egelstate as wen as ahun inner Child. By a'Cti ting and iirl'ormingtheir Adult egoslates, thesCparen1Smay learn what to realisli~ny

. expect of a.child arid how 10 modifylbeir own brutal behavior.

. C llIustratioD

Early in life Cynthia experieq<:edphysical ~Ity. Ii was ;'01'uncommon for hot coffee 1<>be """"dentally" spilled on ber,and she suffered many scaldings. Cynthia was also d"liher-._'aIeIy c:lilwith a knife by her mother -'10 teach "er not 10touch'knives" and trained 10avoid electrical soCkets'by having her,?uger stuck in one. Later, whenCyntltia P"'1'nted she was

.. often CtIICllike her Dl\'ther, brutalizing litr, own children., Furtherm()re, she was exceedingly suspicious if anyone wasnice 10 her. She expected Ihe "worst" 10 happen,

.

,.

58 BOIf.N TO WIN

, Throu,gh studying TA Cynthia became aware, ofw/la,iher '\"",-er had done to her and /low she was repeating thIS behavoJr'toward her children, She learned not to use the destructive" be-havio( from her Pareht ego state and il15tead parented by \IsingAdult controL Evenlually. she functioned as an adequa~ pareJit.stoppel! all display of hr"tality. arid learned' 10 give positiveslrok~s. . .

"

,"

Disco'unting in the work-a-day w",ld usuallY,s more subtlethan physical violerice. Inakes either the fonn of crossed tran$ac- ,

tions or of ulterior put-d,owns, p"t-olTs. and 'put-ODS. Some .Pllt;,

'

I'off, at work resemble !/Ie "niafshmallbws" parents throw to ,theirchildren to put them 01T..Berne writes:' .'Parentid supportive" staterneqls '(known C;oIlaqui,ally as "throwing,manh~

maUows"'oc"gumd1opl') al'(! fundamentally patroniz~ng., and transaction.;, '

ally, they tire brush-offs. Functionally. they can be translated. . \ as fol~

Jaws: (l)."lamg1ad to have an opportunity '[0 patronize you~ it makes-mefeel worthwhile.'~ '!t (~) '''Do,n'l bothet me with )'our troubJes;' take this \

marshman~w and k~pquiet so'l c.nta~ about"mine~ ,(10~One Sjllesperson might lOss a marshmall~w to another wilb

':That was terrible to have happen 10you.bullet me tell you about,whathappene~ 19me thatwa~ even worse!"ot "You think-you'vegot tr,o.ubl~s.just: w~it until you ~h~ar millc!" '.', .

"'"Thewaysjrrwhieh<p~ople are touChed and recognized ofrenaf-feet their stroke palteros in Adult life. People who.werei!rutalized.or ignored lend to shn!1k from lOuch. Pe~ple who were overstimu-la(e<l may continue with an innatiabled..ire for physical.contact; ,

thes. people make very demanding spouses and may feel unlovedunless they receive a great deal of physical touchirig.Many peopledevelop peculiar touch 'pa.tterns. .' .

Ca. IlluatratioD

One distressed husband'complained that his wife warited 10have her back stratched whenever he felt amorous. He inter-preted this as a rebuff and was furthel'frustrated,becauseshe,

.became negative when he wanted 16 fondle her, breasts; Inmarriage counseling. his wife recalled Ihat back-scratching

. Was the only way her mother touched heraftectionately as.achild. To her, back-scratching meant love and alTection. Shealso recalled that as a developing girl a farmhand grabbedher breasts unexpecledly and hurt her. She was adamanl that~he."di,dJ)'t want t~ be hurt tt-at _way a:gai~!'

Tire IlumJlfl Hllnger for Strokes and Tim~ Structuring, 59

This woman eveillually learned nol to confuse her husbandwith the farmhpnd. Every time the old, frightening tape was acti-vated, she reminded herself, "This is m husband who loves me."She aduall leanied to c'

..er,

r usband. Het husban in turn hecamemol'Csensilive to her anxieties arid toalned, that they weI'Cnat' negativetoaclio,," to his Inanhood. '., .

mE BUNGER FORSTRUC1'URED. riME.' .". '

",' 'r

,', .

B~ing bored for;a 100ngtime 'h.a$tens en10tionaland physical dete;rioratian in much' the .ame way as iilad<:quate stroking does. TO'avoid the pain ofbol'Cdom, people seek something to do with thei~time, What parenthasnot heard a bored child<whining. '~Mam..what, can, I t'do 'new?" What, married. couple b~n.t $,ataro~nd JIlusing. UWhat can.we do th~s weekend?", What we~ker'hasn't heard anather one ",y, "I hate this. job when th s noteneugh to de.", .." ,', ~ "

,<"

People structure their time in six possible ways. Sometimes,theywitbdraw frourotherpeople; sometilnes, they engage inrit~-als o~ paslimes; somelimes..theyplay psychologiCal garne~; SOI1l<'ti~, tbey work together; and OCCl\$ipnaily.they experiertce ambmentofintimacy. .'

WIttMb-awat.', . .

PeOplet.hemselves call withdraw from others either by.removingth.emsel,",:s physicall~ or by rep)'ovin.8 themselves ps~chologi

.

",..ny,wlthdrawmg mto'their fantasies. WItbdra.wal~haVler' cah come

. from any of the. !hI'Ce ego sta'les.Withdrawii. is sometimes a tatiol1al Adult'decision. People

ne _,-me ,a one,'

re ax, to t melrewn, ou, tt.t-tate..'.-stock otthCmselves. and tobete.uvenated,In'tI1etr tnQ1Wluaihu~, I

~yen W.tbc.1rawal into. ene san_asleslso" , n- egltimati:;.

IAjiOOdfantqy may be a better use of lime than listeninll to a bad ilecture.' . '.. Iw.uIdra'Ving is sometimes based on copying pltrents. In this

1

case~,theoPerson imitates'parental behavior,. Fot example. a manthreatened by conflicj with his wife may withdraw as his father didwhen his mother go! m~d. He may leave the house, Tetire to the '

./

,

liOB0I!NTO WIN.. shop, or go 10 his study. Or, instead of physically leaving, he may

go 10 sleep or simply "tune out" IIis wife, not hearing whal she.says. ,

' ' " ', WithdraWing patterns also come from the Child ego slate.These are often replays of a person's c!1ildhood adaptaliolls out ofthe necessily for ..'f-protection from pain or cOntlict. They mayaI,sohe the resu,lt of training. A child trained 10"Go 10your roomand shul the door and don'l come out unill YOIlhave: a smile onYOllrface" leains, ,10withdraw either physically or psychologicallybehind a forced smile. . ,

When a person wilhdraws psychologically, it is oflen inlO a fan-tasy world. These fantasies are likelJlilO be ofuneensored pleasureor .violence, creative imaginings, .'Of.of learned' fears 'and catawstrophic expectations. E:veryone wilhdraws into fanlasy from lime10 time. Who hasn'l imagined alllho.. groat things thai "couldhave'" been said? Who hasn!t engaged, in some' fanciful, uncen~sored pleasure? '. "

,Ri......

Rituallransactions are simple and stereotyped complementalY, transactions, like everyday hellos and gpOdbycs. Someone who.j

says. ~Good morning, how a~ you?" is, in most instances, Dot ac..tually inquiring inlo the other person'. health and feelings, but in-stead is expecting to. receive arituaJistlc response, uFine, how areyou?" In' this brief encounter both persons, Bet' maintenancestroke~.

Many rituals of this nalure grease the wbeels of social il\\er-change. They give sirangers a way of coming together, they savctime in, figuring oul who should go first or be served firs~ and soforth. Some cull..res, cnurch groups, politiealparlies, secrel or",ders, and social clubs struciu!e a great deal of time with highlyritualistic palterns of behavior; (>ther groups are less' structured,using theii time in olher ways. For many people, riluals become away of lite. After the ceremony is long past, the marriage may beonly a series of ritualisti,c transactions consisting mainly of role-playing,of actions devoid of real meaning and intimacy, yet keep-ing tbe .people alive with minimum strok~s.,

'

PlUtimes

Pastime transactions are those in which peopl. pa.lim. with 011..lIIIolh.r by talking ~bQutiJlltocuous.sub) such as the w"th.r.Whohasn't seen tWOold dI.n sjtli.1IS011a,park bench avidly dis.cuisingpolilics? .~.. govemmCJ\tought 10straightenout 'this .

mellS, , .," Whq hasn't hwd twopre~ passing tiJ.II.allariJlgcommOll prj:jwtices."Aren't kidateTrib1e tOday.The way ~., ,"'" bQflicasesthe pel'l\lns~~ opinion ~r opin....ion with total disrega!'d ~

.

or the,r.ctf and enjoxevery JIlin!!... of it

.'PastimeS are rell!Iiv.ly saCe: thetA superllcial exchanges areoften lded between peoj)lewho 4I!n'tknowexch Other weJl,Fqi

l1Ipl.. 'at a diim.r ~rty it is nOlunoommon Corthe m.n 10 passthe time talking about occllpations. Cars. spOrlS, or'th. stoc:Iimar.ket, ",!iil.th. WOI\1.":pass thetim. iIIlking abQut Jef:ipes, children, .or de""rating, , . . ' .

.

Pastim.s, as ",.11 as rituals. are ways p.opl. spCJ\d \im.108Ctherpolitely withqut' g.lIing involv.d ata de.p.r I.v.!, they providethe opportunity Corpeopl.to "psych" .ach ot..,r out Corthe possj.

,i)iUty orCurther involv.m.m in gaRl.s. activl'tic:s.or intilll~,

.

.

Gables

On. "ad~anillg." oCplaying psychological ~es is 10.suuctur.etim.. Som.. games Slr1le\Ut.only five nIi"utes oftim.. For exam.pl., a secr.tary who plays lJlemishIa~u few min\lt.s 10poii\4wtthat th.bQss .lways Cors.ts 10put the "s. on th..third.pe n slil'gulu verb or Cr.qu.ntly .misspells"abs.nce." ". .

Other.sam... such asDebtor.can strUCturea lif.tim., For exam.pl.. wh.n a YOURSmarried <:oupl.play DtbtOt..ey So into he." Jdebt CorCurnitur.. appliances. .cars, bQall. and so on, and with.ach salary raiR th.y go.Curth.r into d.bt... bigger house. two .cars, a"d so Corth.For a ""hole liCedm..nq matter what they .arn,.th.y'r. always in d.bt. When Dtbtor.

.

.. playa ..hardo Same. theymay CJ\dup filing for bankCllpteyor goln~ 10jail. . .

'.. . ..

. . .Activities are ways ofstrUClurin$ thn. that deal ",lth .]f.Iern~1real.lty and are commonly.thought oras work. ~ellin~ som.thins done.

.

<It.

---

-

! .. .::r

t .. :4.

CD i

,

64, BORN TO WIN .

Activities are onCn what peOple want to do, need to do. or have todo-alone or with others. , .

'.~on a comm~lIee playin,in a hand'progmnming a ~e . propanng ajoint pn>jectweedin, Ibe ~n l\Ii$weringlb. pfumeo<gon;,..nga precinct c:ookia$dinner. '.dictating a Je~ . unloading a ship .building a house sewing a dreas<\rawi"8 blueprints.. 'building biidges

When sonieof the above, d other time-honored~ties.

cqme to an end. a person frequently f~ empty, restJess,'or use-.Iess. This problem comes inl(>sharp awareneSs.whencertain time-'IrUCIurins.aetivities, such as caring for children, goillg to ~ool,or holding a job, come to an abrupt end. ",

Many mothers who complelely rill their time with child_ indhousehold chores are overwhelmed with a sellSOof boredOm lindi""dequacy wllelllbe children grow up and leave home: Similarly,afatherwhodevotethislifeto

.abreadwiniterma su/ICNhe,

same boredom' an eteriorale ra .r re l

. n ml 0 actiVities erent ways for slructUring time canemerge.,RituaIs. pastimes, games, and even intimacy niay octur.For example, vice-presidents c;an pl,y Harried E>:ecu,iWlon Ibejob, saYing "V es"to so many requests tba1they finally collapse, Inthe melintime, they harass and overwork theit secretaries as well.When these Mr. or'Ms. Harrieds leave the room, their secretariesmay switcl\ from their typing and filing activities to a commonpa$time of ,till" il A wful. "What a bosst saying 'Ves' 10ovOl}'body,

.8/ld we end up with a lot of exira work. Ain't it awfuL" When .thehilssre-enlers the 109m, they may.switch haclr.to w.ork.activities 6rmove 10 the ritual of a colfee break or withdraw into' tbeir ownfantasies-perhaps angry onet-Or initiate a g&II1e.

IntblUle:r

At a deepelleVel of human encounter th8/l rituals, pastimes,g&II1es,andactivities lies th~potential that each person has for in-timicy. Intimacy isfree of game. 8/ld free of exploitatioit.lt oc-CUrsin those rare moments.ofhumancontac! that arouse feelingsof tende,?,,,,, ~mpathY' and affection. S!",h affection is no!just

'.,.,..8.- 8..,..."" s_ """n.wS , 65

thewarm _doli a person II.Ii&htget from a gllmpee of sbapeIj. Icp or broad sJioulden. Intimacy involves genuine c:arin&

People can liveorworJr.together for m8JIYyeanbut_ really""",," or "bear" each othef. Yet; a moment may a>me wbat 0IIe._the o!!ter for the rUSttUIIe-seesthe other'. coJorinj. the "fh- .

er'sexp~the other's III&!'Ysba ~ ditf_The olle may also beat

.

the \>therfor the ~ I\m bear all the 0111,a's messages, v~ aDd DODvedja),emoIj'onaI UbI faCIUL .

.'

Th!: c;of intUII"'Y can occur in the D1it1stof a crowd or in aCOIIIinai"lfriendship,.atworliOrin a marria&ereIati~. Inll. .

m"'Y may bsppenif:"

.

A penon aucom:ert briefly c:atd1~the q<cofuirapger: FlItthat moment they are aware of the bOnd of "utu~ en-joyma,tt. They smile openly at each ot!ter.in a rrtOIIU!iUotintintacy. "

,,,' '

A bUsbandaad wife at work ...eeding \heir garden expe1io...« .a sense of~s...bid>spoolatleo""yleads.tbem IA!~,

cat CODt"'"that validale!i !!teir aff~.,

'",

A' father loobinto the tear-sqiled f-.;e ofbis wbo k6t'blU'ied his dog. He pull hiS arm.around the

"'?'and 8Y' "'t"s',

tousJi to bury a good ffiaul." The boy melts mto his fatbeis ,

, armS, rdeasi"lhis pie{. For thatmQIIICIIIIh9 are ckIie;, Two qIeit work toAether f.,.. ieveraI weeks ~.. ita-

portaDtp~Iot the """pany. One presents,II""....'&gelllCllt and, the proposal is rejected. When ,be J8tan1a,.1P

c:oU"!'Sue l(JOksinto hiS fl!:e, and, without words a feeling of, undtrstanding for tbeirmutual disappointment.p_ be-tween them. '

,

Any acti,vJties such as goinlto a conCert" digging in a garden.buryin, Ii dog, or working on'. ptopoW Ie~'" a c:onteat inwhicb mtimacy can occur. In modern life intUII"'Y;seems rate.People who fee' crowded in one ...ay or anOlhcroften _ "psy-chologic;ll" space. They may withdraw or .-rt to ritualjltiC \IY.ing and use "keeping your disl8DCe"t!:dmiques. Even ..bettJammed into a crowded elevator or trai!I they remain ~pre-tending not to seeoue,another., '

, Intimacy is often 'frigh!eDi"l be!:ause it involves risk. In an inti. ,

mate relationship peorte are vulnerable, and many tiQleS'it seems

'.

I

66 BORN TO WIN

easier to pass time or to play games than to t'lsk f1(elings either of,iffection orof rejection. '

\\ ,

". .

If the caJUlcity Cor intimacy has been unnecessarllysuppres~9'it can be recovered. Throug!t activating and srrengthening \h~Aodultego state, people ca

,

n change insphe oflheir early IiCa expe-rjences. Recovering the capacity for intimacy is a maNr goal bfT A and is one of the marks of a,autono,nious person. Winnersrisk genuine intimacy [11].'

,

8UMM~Y

i.'

every infant needs touch to grow. Positive stroking encourages in.Can,lSto gtow into the winners tbey w tiprn to be. Disco,!ntingencourages losers. Infants who are ignored or strok<d negativelyarc encouraged to becomelpsers.U nless there is a strong interven.tion and a decisi..n to fight against lI\e loser's script, thes.people,in turn, tend to produce other lose"

"

,

, Your own mental and physical healtb .r.likely t9 be relatedtolb. ways you wcre touched and, recOgnized: If you have negativepatterns, about touch or recogni)ion and wish to expand your

'cap~bilities, It is never too late I~ learn how.Learnihsto change old habils'of discounling is not always easy.

'However, people can become awareoC ho)\' Ihey disco)1nt Ihem-selves and otbers and develop new panerns'or trall$8Cling. Inslead 'I

I'

.of giving anullerior pUI-down, they can delibera!cly activate Iheir

,Adult 10 cbeck destructive remarks and bebavior. They can filterwhat they cboose to use fromtheir'Parenland ,Child .go sl8lesIhroug!t'their Adult. Instead of discounling. they can give poijlivestr,*es to otbers and even to Ihemselves. Tbeytake 'responsibilit)'for their behavior. '

,

''

Actual parenlS wbo arelrying to' make sucb changes usuallyneed more Adult data. They need tbe skills laugbl in parenlu.in-ing courses [12}. Theyneed to studycblld devel0l'ment. 'Iheyneed

, to watch more "sI1ccessfu1" parents. And Ibey need IQ work pntransacting in nourisbing "I'ays. , ,

.

When people decide to do Ibis, their messages become 11I0re ip-,propria.. to Ibe siluati9n~clear,undiluted, direct, al!4 relevant.They lalkstraig!tl When a linle girl asks ir~e ,can wear her newdress. ~heparent states "'YesttoruNo"w-ith ratiOnalreasopl'.'Whcn,a wife asks ber ,busband wben be'li be .bome,ite answers h<\rwilhavailable data.'

,',..

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.,

PLA'tE V(continued:

SometIme. they: engage in ritual or pastim88\.e,,"nencea moment ofintim.cy, withdr.w from.oneanother, WtJrk together.

--~~

70 BORNTO WJN.Time 18slJ:uctured iit Ihe process of getting. giving. or'avoiding

. strokes, Withdrawing is a way to, avoid strokes. Rituals and pa$-

~\

times prOVl'deminimal stroking ala supe,

rliciallevel. Games are. also a source of strokes.-o&" nel!Oli1lJ'.Activities andintimicy...now for positive strokes that are befitting a winner. '

EXPERIlIIENT8 AND EXERCisES

. 1. You 8Dd Touch

"

To become more' aware of your louchpattems. reflect ol1thelast forty-eighl hours. Evaluate your capacity to give and re-ceive touch. "~

.'.

'.Whom did )'Dutouch? HOw did you touch them? PoSitively?Negatively? .' .

. ,. Did you avoid touChing someone? Why?' Do you wi¥> you

.had, touched someone? Why? ,

.. Who' jouched you? How did. they touCh you? Positively?Negatively? .' .

. ..Did you avoi<\ letting.omeone touch y';IU? Why? Do you wi5h

I

someone had touched you? ..

Now'1birrlc:ofyo~r hunger fodo'uch'aS,ifit wete on a continuum, ranging fro", avoidinglouch to seeking il incessantly. Where.

do you Judge yourself to he on the continuum? Where .would .you like to be? '

+,

", . \.

Now'use a continuum to evaluate the frequency with which youtouch others, the -intensity you use.,. the authenticity of yourtouch. ~

.'"..

+

'\

The HUfh(lItHllrapr.lorSlnNrnQt81I TIme SNWClllrillg 71

Can you r.lal. your currenltoucb palterns 10your cbildhood. .xp.rien..s7 If you can'l r.m.mber bow Yl>uw.r. toucb.d-and wbere-Ib. following ...rcise will b.lp.

, .",

'Draw an outlin. of your body. bolb f~nl and b~. Color Ib .'areas red wb.~ you w.~ lOucb.d a 8ftat d.aI; colorlbem 'pink wb.re you were tOuch.d less frequ.ntly; green wb.~you wer.. seldom toucbed; I!lue' wh.~' you lIer. n.v.r'toucb.d. Wb..~ lb. touching was,ru;gatlv.. draw black linesIbrol1gb 111.colOr. (13)

, .. ,.Stu~y your "toucb portrait." Try to r.-~pcri.j1COoldfeelings.

Do youbav. curr.nl tou.chbarri.rs lbal r.late to th.se .arlyex~rience!7 _ .

. ,~. '. . ,Now Iry On. of Bernard Gllnlber's expt:rim.,,1S il\ s"ns<>ryawareness. . .

'. "." .l\.end yourfing.rsall~Joinls and b.gitlll!Pl'ing 111..10\>.of.your .h~&d;a liv.ly hal~-inchbouncing ~igorous tap lik.

. Tam falhng (15.,20 seconds m each area). N.xll"!' arou!1d Ihe· eanand lb. sid.. of lb. bead;'Then ov.t lb. for.h.ad. \'/091

re-Iapov.i your enlit. h.ad,' dOiilg an .speciallygQod jobover any plac. Ihal fe.ls il needs kliltle' .xtra; gradually 1.1III..lapping subsid., Pal your hands down \0 your sid.s"c/As.your ey.s al'd beco\T1.aware df how.your h,.ad f as a ~-.sull of what you've jusl do~. .!1d Ih.nslowly opcn.yourey.s." 114)' . .' ' :,", .

this' experim.nt isoforIbose r.arful'of touch: . .

.think of on. ~uch pallem yoU'~'~k;'\O chang.. Whal i~ ilyou do now7 Whal do you.Wlinlli1 be abl. 10 d07

,. . .'" lritagin. yourself doing som.lhiilg d,iifer.nt. Picture yourself.

,inma,n,y Sili!ltions louching Ih~ way you wanllo.. Now filter Ihroug" your imagin,ing a~" ask yourself "What'

would, be a'i right to. do7" ...: ....

. ,.Imagi".yourself doiilg tbis many lim.s. See.th. otll.r'pcrson.S.. yourself 10ucbil1j\. '

. . . .. \\,\1.n you fe.lco'ilfid.nt enough. Iry i! willi.an aclualp.rson. .

II

BO~N TO WIN

. J. Y_ 8114BeeopitiOD'

To become aware ofyotir ~tion patterns. return to Exper-iment I. Substitute, the wo!ll "recognition" for the word.~touch." ' '. " .

Ev'll\l81e your hunger for rc<»gnition on the ~ntiJ!uum belo1v. ,

. . -j +',

Now evalUate your ability to give recognition to others.

-+'

,.

.Are you satisfied with your plaaoment 00 the continuums? .I(

no~ what wOUldyou clIange?,

'

Now 1'\'CaIlthe kind of rc<»gniliooyou received as a child. Doyou' believe your parents~eyou enough? Was it positive ornegative? ,

. , ,

,

'

'

.,' How did they compliment or criticize you? Wbatwoqis didthey use? . '. ..

0.'._

'. What nonverbal messages <,f recognition were: given to you?Were there any family $ignaI$ ,such aswink.s Of apptOval,hand sign$ indicating "O.K." or "craiy in the head," a'fingershake of "no, no," a clenCbcdfrstinJhe face, or a-threatening'

;.

removal of a belt?'

Lon$ider your current recognition patteJ'll$: ,.Do yoU now' roPy the rc<»gnilloil patten,. ..fYour parentswith your Children, friendi, or work 'lWOCialeS?' ',

'.'What pauernshave you $DCCesuuUy!'hanged? '.I. there aoyan" in yo!,r life now-a $pou$<, \>o$S.friimd-who .

givesyou the same kind of either negative or positive recogni-'

tion as your parents did?, '

73

.

a.y011 8Dd TIme Stracturlq

.Wbaldid yourparenlS say abo)ll1jme? Did tltey use phrasessueb as: "YOI' only live once," "Enj!>yil wbile you may,"I6DOn'.~liSte:your time,,, "What are y~u going,to; do, sit.around all day? ~I goins." or "Relax, honey, Ih~'s 'alwaysanq,tlter dsy."?. . . ,

.How did tltey use ~eir own time?.Do.any of tlteir verbal !>rnonverbal' ~cssagcson time inn~:encc. YO,!today? Do )Ou feel driven, lazy, I'OOfused, stalled,

.

fulrdled, empty,whal?'

".Are you fightingtim.e? Killing il? lImg it? Enjoying il?

· Now 'select'an average wcekdsy and try 10 determine whalpercentage of your lime.is structured with rituals; ""'times.

.withdra~ng. attivilies, games, and intimacy..Do Ihe same exercise coJl$.i4eringa weekend.

.. Are you satiified with your auiM1es and feelings abo,!lclme? ..If nOl, whal would you considp a be\t~r use of the. time .(If

your Iif.? For example, if you Slopped playing. a game )Villi

- your spouse, or a friend, how could you struc\ure your, time in

.a ~(Jre satisfying l\lalU1er? '.

. When you are al work bul nOI,..;tUallyworking"how do you

.structure yo,!r time? .

.

4.Your Capacity for Intimacy

Thlle~perimint kforthosewho want to"become m~re awareof their cap~ty for intimacy [l~). II should be condu<:ied wilh aspous"or a trusled friend andwith lheiragreemenl. The agree- .meitl should include a decision nol to withdraw and nol to in-

. dulilein riluals,pastimes,or games.Sel a timelimii of fil\ee.nmmu-tt's. .

Selecl a quiel place with few distrattions, Sil facing each other,nol more \lian five feel apart. Look directly inlO each olber'seyes. .

.

74"

BORN TO WIN .,T like turns sharing something with each other that is a genuine .

concern-a worry, an interest, an incident. Share both thoughtsand feelings.

.'When listening,..try t" give active feedback. :w)Ienspeaking, try

.

.to be clear. Be aWare of your emotions and expross them. Beaware of hoW your 'emotioDS change.'

. .

'Share bll!'k and forth severaltimes..What feelings do you havetoward yo\1r partncr after the experiment? . .

, .

4

The. Drama of Life &ripts

.A Ii rhe world'.. a srage.

. Alld al! (he men and womell merely pIa";,..They have thei, exits 411dtheir entrances;Each 1IIa1l111hisrim~ plays many parIS.

Shakespeare. .

Most-peoy

tCareill'l0lvedin sOme'form of theatflcs,performins". on severa stages for different audienees. At times, the audience

exists only in llie mind.. . .:

According to Frederick Perls, each pe'"'!n h!lS two stages-theprivatestagc>where, in the hiddenness of secret thoughts, one con-tinwilly nihear$es for the fU!!lre,.alid the public stage where aper-son's acting can 'be Se~n. Perls Claims, "We Jive on two leveJs__thcpublic ~vel which is our doillg, which is observable, verifiable;aud the private stage, the tltinkin8 stage, the rehearsing. s/Age, onwhich we,prepare fOr the f"lure roles we want to play" [I).

. Rehe!,rsingon the private stage in the mind may sometimes be'appropriate, .but too much ,of it leaves a person tun'eli. ~"t andpreoccqp.ed..' .

CaseIDustratioD

At her first group counseling $Ossion..Doris avl'ic:led looki,,:g. at anybody.She stareli.at the ceiling; the wall,the 11'00r,o~ at

her hands. When asked what was going on inside, she replieli,."I was trying .to figure out how I should act ¥re. I thoughtand thought about it all the way over hut still don't knowwhat to do. I know I want everyone to like me. it may soundsilly but I wondered, should I act shy oiwouid I be liked bel'ter if! call\e on strong? Should.! act smart '1r dumb? I was ..

15.

76 BORN TO WIN

thinking so hard abo~t it I almost didn't, see a dog run in fiontof my'car," . .

, Doris had been so pr.occupied witlt rch~ng on her privatestage for tl\. kind of performa!)ce she int.nded 10 act out on, tit.,public stag. of tlte coun~eling group, tht it was almost as thouglishe pidn't v. ey.s,', '

, ,, '

"Public stages on which people act oul their sCripts cao b. h0I\\1"place of worship, social gatherings, school, office, factory, '.tc,Some p.ople prefer one stage over otlt.rs, This is trUe of a personwhos~ tim/;.,isspent mostly at the offic~ rather t~ -athomei oraf'a person whois the perp.tual student and whose only public stag.is the campus, However, most p.ople spread tlteir energi.s to sev-eral stages and oftenplaydiff~rent'parts on each, A man who is.tough boss on the job may; at home, become'a mass of jelly at tltehands of his three-yearo{)ld daughter, , '

SC'RIPTS

,In the life of every individual tlte dr,!matic life everts, the, rolesthaI are learned, rehearsed, and acted out,~rc originally deter-mined by a script. ,

.' . . ,

" ',_

"

, ~.

A psycholotcalscript [2] bears a striking r.semblance 10 ..the-atrical script, Each has a prescribed cast of characters, dialogue,acts ~nd scenes, themes- and plots, which move towar-d a climaxande~d with a final curtain, A psychological script is a person'songoing program for a life drama whieh dictates where the personis going with his or her life and the path that willlead.tlterc, 11is adrama an individual comp1,11sively as:tsout" though one's aWar~ness of it may be vasue.,

" "Aperson's seript may resemble a soap opera, a wild adventur~,a tragedy. a saga, a farce, a romance, a joyful comedy, or a"dull

'play that ,bores the players and would put an audience to sleep"DifTerentdramas contain varying_.degrees qf .constructiveness~' .destructivenesS" 6r nonproductiveness-"go~ng ,nlJwhcI:e.. . .

The drama of life starts at birth, Script instructions are pro-,grAmmed inlO,tlte Child ego state tIirough tranlactions betweenparent figures and their childfeJ\, As childrc!) grow'they team 10play patts-heroes, he~ines. villains,. vic~ins. andrc$Ctlers and":'"~nknowingly-seek others to play com~lemenlliry rQles,"

,

'D. D,.,imo./ ~ih Sc'ipI. ,,77

,When grqWRup, people play oUI theirsc:ripls wilhinihec:onleXIof the SOCiety in whiCit lhey Jive and which has ilsow" dramalic ,

paUen.s.1\SShakes!'!'.re ¥id, aIItbe wOIidis a SlaV. IndividUals:fOl

,

lOW sCripts;

,

/Bndlies fO,

Ib>wscn,

,

,,,IS;,n/llionHOIi

,

OW"",

rip,

.,

Is!,"

,"

,

I..Each individUal's life is a"unique:dtarna ",hieh 'CAniaelude, a;.

, 1>1_ of bOth familyaild ~1t...raI scrip!&.T!teinltrplaY. of",*sc:ri~ affects lI1edtaJria ,,-,,~ach~n'.!ife im6 thel'Ct.y'!i'~I\I$

,

tllehiSroryof itpeOpJe..

" ,.'

/.

'I

I

IIJ

III

:.(--

~,--

-~

,--...

.-

.

..

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"~

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. .

10 , BORN TO Wilt,

wllcre Brilisll iDflll!'Deeis overriding. suc;ha clCmonsttativedis-plar between,men is coJisidered~ Most c:ullureshave fa.

::t~='::~~U:::~ilJe:==., 'this aspecIofa c:ul1IIraI!lCrip1<isret1ec:tcd ,in inlfivjdual...yior.

,,. \ . . .

'. A ,. is iDW8Rvcpoup con rcir'COJ\CCD~ p..;.,.. !>f'',' iimi>for. filii !layor a uad.' .' ' .. . . ~""'" . . .

.

.

---

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---

114. . BORN 'To WIN.

"We Smith women have always made'goo<! nurses," '.

"We GOld,enshave produced thr.e generalij>nsof politicians,"

''There's always at I~ast on~orse thief in our famay.", "rhe. sons in oUr family have a reputation focul'holding

the traditions. Qf the armed services," .. ~'

. A family tnemberwho. <loes~ot live lip to the script expectationIS often tholight of as the "black sheep." Howev.r, a particlllarfamily script C9ultl'call f!>fabhick sheep \Oidd inmgue or thepossibility.of . ..,apegoat\0 thefamilyscene, . .

Many family scripts have. an explicitse! of ditettioQS fur ellchindivi<lue.linti!.family, wit1i<liff(ent expectations for. each sex.For example, il18nol uncomJ!ion for 'th.firstbom SOlito hold aIImq\1eposition within tile family, Olle.gradllate student !'CPottmg,

on her familyscriptingstated: .:"

.

~ . . . ..o.i Ikmil£'Crip' bas ils roots in haIY',Every",. has 10be ""ahar '"'Y, !'i1>'

"(:om11l""i.. !lay i. imporia.t as s birihday, The old.., SOI\is.always .~. . I'~ed~o' '.~ a pri'F5t.At leastone dauJhteris eXpected,~o~nter ~~convent; ,11'1f.c:t~1.rem~m~er.decidin8,agamsl bcinganuft:"when I wasa~tnine~use.l couldb't,w~ high heels,at~e~tOrtvent

I\Mtlu,r'studCllt tePOl'led:

I

. ,I,

,

hi our family the boys follow ;n'the (oo!$top.; oftheir,father, they are...peeled 10 ~ farmers:,The SirlS: make their hushands and'~bildren t1i~r~.,.reers.'&ft4anythi.ng,else.is att~ked forbeing~nfeminine. Mother often:S$id."T~e Lola ma.de,yo~ female to havechil.dren and, to lake~ate of ahusband;-Runriingtheworld i~ formen." It's always ~en this wa)rin oUrfaR\ily. SOwhcnl became a.tcacher, itcaused a_101ofconsternatibn. Partorme felt prQU<1 ~f myself: anQtherpI,rt' fd~-as if I'd done.somethiog wrong~d disgr~ced my tamiiy.1 reaUyfelt'C8ught ina bind.

,

~-, .'Curr"tIt ieseaich[lOjindicates!hatthe kind ofScriptingfoi gitls

.,..hith equates inteliectualsc~i'Vem~nl Withlcss offemininily is a. ~o",mon theme in )nanYA~lcan fa~ilies, When ,Ihisistl1ecase,

",the woman "iho uses herinttlli8enct may t~l1d 10 ~Iittle ber sue>

cossri ancl sUff~ from foelin.. of guUtover not ~ng "1!"oinall1y.:'

'. As n"ledin tli.previous cases,nol all f,amiliesperpetuatt!f~!',Iy..,ripts. In fact. ma,nyindividualuh,:/or families work at delib.erately thr01!"in8off ~ script.traditions of Ihe "old country" (>rth05eofthe older generation. Some traditio", simply die because

"

"

.

-' --

.,;

".88. 1tORN 70 WIN"

A child is ~d oc:cupationallywben parents say:_. . .' ""George was 1out 10 be a doctor.~

"Tbat kid will never lipid ajob."'

,

."Wilb)'!>urgetup !IUd.gO,you could~lIrefriaCrak)" 10.Eskimos." .'

'

":\Vh8t a n~ you'd make!"

"Sbe's.1Oo lazy 10 """".~.. .

"

.. ."

qne manro,.embers a (...iily friend's1~8 atbim"lluaRly. and

.

.sa.

yius..

..

.

Y.

OU.d,mik

.

eagoodla"'5'<F,yODJlgman.you'vegotagift of'pb." This man is nOw a .di8trictaltomey. '. .

'. ElICbchild receives specific scripl ins\lllCrionsrelate4 k)bis orher _&ltdmarriage..Fouxample, "When you get mlitIjed. , ,"se~a differenl message from "If)'!>ugei married, . .-A ~'sMute.sexual roles and altitudes art influenced by sndljudgmentS~ "'

~ "'".

"ISlft,she lhe lil~ lU.<>u.er!".

',

..You'te sndla .era y kid,you'U' never hea man."

~'WhY.cou!dI\'1y.,u have'been a boy!".

,,'"Don'tbo.1Oo smar~ boney.' It mighl __ lbebOys

.. ,-.. .-

.',-

" 'a y. '. .'( .

."We are J~ and expect you, 10 manY a ~."

"Playaround'bUl dOll" marry, ibaUcind of a;.t."/' "Marriage i.atrapt~1 only fools .filJl(or.".

'People receive scripting' m~ about many areas bf life. .

Aliout educatiua '..pe~n may hear,"NalUrany yo,,'II get 10col-.

lege" or "Conego;. for eggheads." Aboulreligion apers<>nmayhear, "W.e~y~to keep'lbe T~ ~olllmandlllenlS" Or"Chun:h is.for !he birds." 'Atiout recreation ",peI$OI!mllYhear,"p~~exercise it ~ foryQu~ ()r"PIa~ ball. is a waste oflime." ~beaJlb a petsol1may hear, "'IS aUin'yoiltmind" or

. .~ sare)'OU!'bnwelsIIIbVe~ry day.-' '. I...'

. Fail\ire or goinll.nowhere.mpts may ~I from unrealisli~ c!rin~rate pr"$"ammml!: For example, a person may be encour-agedk) be a doctbF or lawyer but at the ""me ,time may,nQIbe

,"

i,

f,

,

'.

.

"

-T",o,.,.,.ofLif<S.'

,:89

gW!'!'UlYIllessa'g.. about the ti";C,~tcllecli1a1 abili'r' eduCation,Ind IIIOncyit Iak.. to get t/tc",. ',,' , ,"

There i$ c:oDsidcta1l1ctnlth ~ the cliche, "It's "01wfun YOII58Y,iI'othe...ay tbat YOP"y it."'SoIll~III'" parnl$~t a child by58ying one IhiI!&while iriipiying ,",other. TIiis Is what Pctls CIft'

"ph..;.". 'WIlenbe says moat ~glsa lie. llegardl!188of w,lI4tapaient.sa,ys,a child Is lIIost~to t'"fK>DdtOIlPnW:rba!;IIICI'..~:ti!DcIct;afJ'~tc"O(Ixiw8c.lJove~"!< q1iile'!iUICf-eatfront ~, ~COJIplitinC888JC:' ' '

.,".

AtcIISe "Of ~uhcl1OvCyJlll:~ ,

;,'An .imjry' "Of~ll..e. I ioV8ygU}' ,

. A diulCrCstcd "Of cou~ t kwc you." , . ,

..

.

~ >t\<.<,f\:ill(;.jl'lr~WiN)(i,~, ~k

,"£,iI b(aiHt4plitMUl_d>mit JtI'~~~jl!ll\. quote theparat>lesof Je.us.~.,oQIdAl~donI:t.li"r

.~"' !I"_I~tt'<?"t>. [ .ed'aildJl.~~;~»Irrtwo,~dfHijf>ba.!~~"'-r~t;"'oI¥'~~'~'~4IT~,'IbIhUel1i'lla}'~"!~}~'ql)l! ~Ir~w 8"11Irotto aqr{..

,Iii l£rlw')o 2tJ;3ib1J)~~fI ,.:tiT !; .ij~oi~l,M:r(',(t(h .t'tf~:$~' 11,3ffW ~si?4B(t,

-'~i1l~__)I*I!JII~tIIt .lIfdiImilhlttilfe~~C,-1lIi(~~~a$~__"\JI...~

alr.atit'ndil!8tl>~I\J~.",...,j-fII"1~o(HI:iIs~1I"""t.spenonacbildrI~.)4).TI1ey~d..tructiveinJu,octiollSlbal

"are give" cli!ljerdirecdyaJld fI:~flljlih~1ii\tII>;tiapliCa'tion-'"Iikea:''wilchliI.ssa8$~~~<!tJL~iI'~I"'Carare:

,.,." ,'.'"

,,;~' '.

~'.1J~'t, ~w(~f 1:;i;;1!ft):~ 10"h~j2oi:#nJ?Ib A

" "Y"u can"do,lbat'Let'me,dQit'lorYQu.""

"If they gave a pri... for ~~, ~1IfNSfqma?" "Go play QIl,\he ftee..a~" , """

.,',',.'

;::H(r.~tIro1~G~qq~\t1Wkv11i£;JJ'JQ'i ?.jSA,~tim, f~!n-:Jt:aq"l4t fJQd1Jt;.~"atrr".a,q.~~.~~"'4)~b()1qtr\):I'IO..d:}!l"'itJ:!:IJ~~b 1~~~A)3vi!',onut,,! ."i)"~_~l(r:~"'JiJi4~\i!J>Ib<lj""..y.'fTo 1i~dl'j" ;ZUli"

~!~;1~':;~i~;::r$~Jl)M$iJH!It~~~~~fi~;\~'~:~~;:A clui~ inay~~f6\I'H%a6f.&\if_Wn°p.:fghm 3t\to"di9:"o;' ,

.Tbe boy w~os..eve,>:act of aggQ OD~FKM~X::.~itbe a.mJm. _" , . ,c .

hoJif~:r/!I<t>I&<~~~1IIII'8r~ieel"i&;ff1Dbtr¥i

" "

_ "ndEi lIft :tt}';':dilnB~ O1;111-J f.ul

~m,

'. '@I,':6~~~,

.;"~f,~~~~~iJ!~,

tf~~ld~1S~1:':lnrer'.~~:.~, .

.' . _ :bffla aJ:]:} ,,, j',

i larelllVith' ' ill i flits. "'I'Onure',!/. ,fj,iv:)sR2 IN, I,

,,~,' fl-!t~..,'. _.'" '"

,;'

~',~, ft ,d~;'(- :~ib 1~"()<(Jittt£1 -UJl: ru z~9bi.u~.la1~'�~ ',..'

r~=~:~N1Iti~Naf!l~ '~.nJJ',or~hepei10n,,;'l>reak~'1\1~_~~8 a"good \>oy"oca "gOodgirl" byfollowmg msor ber'J!!IfeDIS'

,~l!In§!oIg h""li~hbf.~' Jf.! ,'<40 I 'jlif ~ffIHA ',">""'\ '

:li»A>\Md>ttiMi&'Ii~dI!I'~_~~~d'

.

.

.

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92,

'

/lORN ro WIN ,,

'

prescriptiOns for dte child, jiven !rom tt.e Parenleg\>stateof achlld'sTadteror mother 10!he Parenl egqstale \)fthe child. ClaudeSieinerbelieves Ihat"Thc witch or ogre injunction is far 1JI0rep<)-,lent andmeanin8fUi Ihan dte COlIJ)lerscri~

,

1 ., .,

"!I,

6J.AIthOuah,the pet!lOn may vacillate belween the'desuuctivescriPI 8tId the

moreconstruClive,toUnterScriJft, the colinterscriPllDayfail. ,,J

'ROLES AND ~IN un DBAMAS '. ,'.

'AS1JI~...m received, the cbild talte&pYth9Iogical posi\iOiisI\lId"develops dte IQlesnccetsaryto fulfill his or her,life dramas.,

Once!he.roles arededded ~~,~persc;n's Child egq stateseJectii '

and m"",pulates ~ to JOIn his or ber cast of characters. For,eJl8mple, inthnates tend w base~r mille selection,on <OIDpIII'mentary Sl:ripiS. "

"""

,,

An atl\biti\>USyl>U1tgm8Dwho is Sl:ripte<ito be<:ome a lOp exec-

",', )tliveneedsam..-ri.,.partoerwhQ.is,JI1otivatedto:h~lp,hi1'!,~1

'r"J;,,:,,] /~. He seeks out. properly eiI'Ic:ated,h<lsl~rien~, eq1iaIJy,

'

Ii ',' ' ~...olJlan whowill 1101foul up his dramatic plans' In turn;

"

,,,,\' slieselecis him to (II a requir,ed role in her scnpd,ven when j>1an-

':,~;t!:Zi::= ::r-:~~Iyto incIudcoihenwh~~ play.

, '1

,

"

The same ~ \>fselectiOllhappens WbetlIlwoinad, w~o JwI'

'tak,en,!he positinn "Men are "ums'»m..-ri.. ~siq~ce o(''bums," Part of her script is based 011~~enare nol-OK;";Sheflll- ,

,fillS her o~ prophecy' by na8ging. pusItin& complaining. 8tId ,

generaHym~ng1ifemiserabie for 'her h\lSband(W,bohas his ~'. to play), EventliaRy,she manipulates lliin into leaving. Then she. can say, .'Scc, I told you. !den are bums who JC4VeyOUwbendte

'g6~h~:t:. \iSUaRym~pUlate~~dter.hom thepOsItion,',

_,. ?=~~r::a~w:.u.;r=~er;:::~:~o':"lay

fe;l Vii;lImi~in dt,e~If\he hypoclto"dria<>givesup iIIe~iP1llative JIOSI

,

'u.m.Ofhel"',

'_-.Ihe sr,

Sp<>tlse

"

,

,"

w.hO'may /101

,

'&

"

~.ready 10change pClSjlions;may aggravate thebypocbon<llUic's!H:

'.

ness 10reiestablishthe former role~lalion~p. O~ ",e other hItiId; ,

iflbe spi!useisth.r1l'SHo decidl!lIOlIoplay lite eJ<pectedpart,the'hypoch\lDdriac may develop more pnDounced 8yJDptoms or may

'

seek someI'ne e!seto play the rescu',..tpersecutor roles.' ,.

. .SOmetiJDes,a,lif~ dra,,!a calISfor one cO-starto exil and anew'. - '.

, .'

t

, n. 0...0{ £If<:rm,u 9iIone toehler the .sc:c:ne.This.is frequendy "boeryec!in ",aniages ofpr'!fessional menwbodllJ'iq Jo~ yean ofu.w118 need a leadinJ

. lady""0' i.a workil18wifeand UIcarefulwilbmoney.However,when. $UCbal\\.

.

anftn.all~Y.

.

. inhisprof_

.

'on.and bep' 10moYem a,dilJercot~

.. !tiuerjpt may requirea co4Iat

.wilb different.~biJi . .. . ,

~.te.,~, fr:le~,.and ene/lliea 'Ire o'!\en,eelel:tedfO\'dicit 'm.mpolative :potentW, P~r Ihi. kind of ~on 10pay off,""e<l-playe,;i"'U$I~ ,liIe tOpI&ytile "daJ\t~'pmes.nc1 to fulM a

I\)lnequiremllDttblll, ~ the .:ript~ !'etls '4eser:lbe$ ttto pri-.

mary. m.mpulative ~tjol1l~lOpdog.nd u~"8; ,.,~.

, tlic:lOfcIoa"'Iy'~ "*"~..~ .ulh9ti~...;.he knows H.I!_.. tiah~ but alwaystJeIt-,'l'he tQpcIot;, a bu~: UK!WQIt..witl\"Vou~uld"...d "You~ DO~"n.lOpdQs IJ\AIUP~,)l/i1b

. da UK!!hreAl$ofc_lrOphe. -..;b If youdcHl'~ W!~,",Y!"I". won't be loved, YO'1V,on't ~ 10 h..VI;\>. you ..JII die," UKlIO.on, '.

:.. .-'.,""..

", ',.', .'.:.-,'..,...,

""", ".:> ,""

"'dO"

..

"',',..

,

, '''':'''.. :'\

11ie:Underdosm'an;pulates"jlb.beiU ~renaiv.,.IpoIoFtie, ""~'pley...~e~'l!I\bY'UKI~1L Tli<!un!ltrdoe nQp<)WC!'.~~: ., . tile MICkey.Mou~ 11ie Iopdogis tile Supet M AJld ,he. 1ilt<¥!M

work. like tlti.; "Manaa.<,""ay!"f hOst.""LoOk.)J:,y~n.mh"iIi; r'. _"helpi' ifl foil.""1_'l.bell>llIfl f~)'OUrc1"ithd1ty.""1ilJw,,,,,,,

=..

.~~~;J.=... ::~=::::~i~=\'O"~r-~

..

'.

SOtbe~ UK!underdOtllrive Ibrconlrel. Likf...ery' '1bi1tt '

. djey-.wiIb"'" oI,her ror \101(17J. ..

..' ,

~"'y tole5are pltylod fr<in1lhe t\>pdogandul1!lerdog m.anipult.-tivepositioD.. However, moot drtrnati~ roles can be~gnized . .. the pereeeutot; the reseuet, Ol!!tbevi!:lim. . ..''These role. are 1,g111",,!leif !hey are II<Itplay.aetinll 6ut are,

realistieally apprOpt:i~~ to Ihe.itwition:s.;.m" leaitimate rot..''are:

.-'

.

AJWlI«'<lor:Someone.vbo SetSnecessary Hmitoori'beltivior.' or i. eMrsed witb .en(Ql"'itig~rn'e.' '.

A viellm:.$omeoae "hoqueJjllesfur ajobbu',ia ~nied.. it",,~.or...~,~~reHgio"'l.' .,

A. r'e tr:SomePIIe..bo belpa a petsonwbo ~l\meti!,njD.. inadequately 10bec:ome rehabililated and adf-,..IIanC .

. . .

.Wben \Ii~roie. are like ",as4 !/leyare 1(I.gllhruJltandarefor ",

.

94 B,ORN TO WIN.'Ih~JI1II'POKofm8llipulation.Subsequently wb~n th..~ IIIR!oroles

..-e capitalized in \his book, they refer 10 maliipulatiy~, illegiii-,mate,ioIca: . ,

,"

A i'm_,or. Someont wbo sell UDDtc..arily stric:I mi,;ts ODbehavior cIr is.~ged with enforcing~lDlesb1I\ does so.wjlh ~adisti" bnttali\1. '

'"'

,,,' ':.

"

~.

SqmeOn~ ...ho~ IIQ/qualify for aj(lbbu\faJae,.Iyc\aims il ~ d~nied bec:ausC(If r..,." se., (If.,.,.i-gion.

, .

8<>Ql~~ wh(l, ill the guiSe (If. bQing h~~ul,keeps Clthersdepon.ckn\ up<>nhim ,(lr \let.

, ,

,

A Rest1m':

I

KarpmlUi 'Wri\es:,, , .

Oaly tbtc. roles_ neceuory in drama..,1tyJis to depioI lheCdQtioaIII...versoII1bat..._.,Th... _,_,m eo-,.;Ib lb.identity_

, T"'~oli1fr$crlpu"

.

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.,' ,,',

"referred to above,: ate thtfPetsecutor, Rescuetrind ViCtim,totP, R, ,.,~ V.in the diasram. Diiuntbcgi~. whenth... rol.. ... oatabUllle4.0 &lid-cipali>clby the audience. the.. is no dra!J>auol... there 10.a tWitch iDdiero ,. Dramacomp~ totraI>m;Iional~... but mahat. pUt;orn~..ber ofevenls,a ~*lernumber of ~ even~and on. pot. .",n!>ftaj play. !Woo. 11I100t:<>Iesa\o_. Games ... aimPiet anlfthcre t.-. .onemajorswi~b;i.f..iIJ"I'I\IOiI!y, toJi.lpyo"'. }..on.o_~'

.Iioo (equnte,..;/ockwiso) in the IIttma1rial1gle: die VIdiGI~ 10.....-"',

,',,,-

," ,""

.

','- -', ".' "" '

.>.' '.".,..{.

.:",..'

. ..CllIo' &lidthe 11 becOI!>U11Io,ViClim., .'. ." ,. :. .'"

.

()it.f~IU;'1I'f~~idta~..iAcltlclt$IIi'~otila~#- '

Cifi, g8!ll.i; each iiIi~ trol1l ~ $~c;ifiCrol.." , '", ".

Garn. . lt8sicRole

Kj~",Me " ..

"Victim . h..

NOJ'"['a. GtJl YOJI,'Y011$.O.B. P.rs_lo;. Pm ()nly 'Iiy/IJg.loHtlpY~u Rescuer

.'',:

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A4<:e~'~\v~~t/I'I.il~atot?':K~A{~III~uI"teS~, .

.

.

Pa. '.

rson

." .

,

.

11110

.

,.

.

W:i!1g~'."orh.

.r,,"'.'tI\eVIClim'~.IIi!lIa~"." .

'". iatlerse

. ' .

CUl<>r, who O

.

bltgutglyCa..tCh.,

ea

.

.

.

the.

perp..

..

Ira.

to. In.

th.

e, act

.

.an. '

d.'.P

.

Ia.'1".

th.

.C<lmI'k...

IbCa,Wy8&J!1

..

..NOWI'WGift Y"", YOfIs.

.

O'f1i~...

','this point tlt,e t~la.ett'or aRl:0011er.,AR~ wlul Piiik' '.'.'1it.,..<it with an i1l1pOlent«.nmrtaticteS~ iatejt\11'" 8I1d'j¥II.";'

..' Jeebi ~rseeu~il4ttdJli~t«I, Wi.lbt Ii~Hn)D1 tbeR~l~'

\:::~;~'y~: ~irdpartYto t:_g&,"'.I~~U,l.WQS O$'t?Jirg,'

TIle fpUowing di..logue maynol repreaeitt all the rinsacdOttfbi ..'. the Ihree gam.sof a family dt'.ama; bow.ver" it does iIIustrtl. thesWitcltingof roles.

. . .

"

Son:,(as ' hisecutor,yells angrily alm!'thei}

.

1.tO/.~r:, .(aSYi~ill!lr

FaihiJr:(rCScueSi1l<lther.~!Oason)

You kbO\'l'l~blue.Her.cYOti-Wenl,anel bougbt m.anou..r blue'shirt!. . ..

ljlever do~)'ItIItigri8ht.. r.r ai y,o~re .cIObc:erited.': ,- ..' . .

"',.'

"DoP'I you cla!:eyell al your It\othaJ'.Iik.,'thal..YO~n8 i!lan.,OO,IO'YOUr _ and1\0 dluerl.' ..

I

I

.

"SINI:_

(BOW as Vicliai.suJJr:iDginbil~) ,

MoI/uI(:(1IOWa-,

'IPeiW /lima trayof Ibod),

,

MOl""(as Pei '~tof~)

FIIINw:(asVic:1imf

BORN TO WIN

They tell m~ lei bebQnesl, and wb.n 'tell _

1bcmw~~ '!ion't Iik..-tItey putm."'""', Howaiu you iatislypeopl. 1iI!.!bIIt?

'

Nowdcm'tt.llYourfa!bCr. Weshou\dD't, get so upsetove.:a shirt,

JQIuI,you're 50 toup with our SOD,"II '

bet b.'. sitlillS in his roomri8ht nO'r bat-inlyou, ",

'

Gee. bo;i.y. , ~as only tryjna to, help,

you.!lDd yoli kick m. whO!".it,h!'rISth.-- '

~.Mom. lay,off. wil~ya?' Dad's just

,-Soft:

".

(cal1ia8 OUt It.

Ilac:uer)

"

EWI'y'perD1 fromtimF ,totiin. plays tho parts of p tor.,

Raoucr. or Vic:tim. However, eacIa person tends to confront !if.1IDdto playpmei$ mor.frequently from a favori", role. The tj)letbatis played is _ ai1JIaysdear to tbeplay.r. who,may ~ pa.

=::~:::::.~V~~a~~:yi~;=':'::~:.~~6&::;:thesWildt in JOlescreateS'th. <lr8ma. . . ,

'

When ahusblnd andwif. _k iparri&JOcounseling.""""

may, ~vo u.if-pPI'COptiou or. Vic:1imsId'f.'inI undetthe persecutionof the ~. Their ,xpe<:lation may be-that .th. th.r.apis! willplay into !beir pmos as a Rescuer rath.r than..ffe<:ta real :rescu..

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. .'TIw.- t1fUf. Sa/pIs 1M

. and rewrite th~ dramaSiIIl!:COfi1uri:cwith theif 09/DuniqUe-~ Such people <8JIcome ill lOuch.witb\heir possibleselvC$~. .

fl'cliteCltheir compulsion lO)ive life witbill.one SpCcifICIi'aQiC:' :.work.For many. Ibis i..nol_y.lo fact, i\is of\en paillf]llanil iII-

I

voths much IIar4w<>!lt.SpmetiJJtCJ. real ~r is necde4, as is " .'

depictcd ill the folloWin$~phrase o( J&mC$Io.tPy'. "ThcPu..!tle of the Easle"{24]., "

"'.'

,

.',..'

. o~upon ali~WbIk..81i;..1IuoU'"~f_ it";";. "f~aY<iuns,-.re, He ~ ~~""aJlUI il !n hio!>aniyanl

..'

wheIe .il""'"lelllU<d'to oat OhickOJireed..d

'"tiohave..Cliickei!s_ . /.

. Ooe day, a a~iI.l1!iho pusiftJbyinqllircdofilte ""!\Cf "!II)'il....IIIIItan,'''''"' iItekiftgohll biraa.shQuldbe ~mcd to livei. ~..~yald'l\lilh iIte chilo"""", . ,

'

,

"SiaCe i hay, il.~ feedand ~.iI",be ~.hic~ ~hasaevorl,ornecIlOny,"RpUediIte_. ''It1ich"" ~ ~'so .il iI no longer .., ~ '" . '. . .

"StiI~"iasislCdthe"luraliol. ..it iIteheart,,!' ..east. and <IIi>11I~"" .

~8htlo 'Y,"' . '.' ., . Aftei 14Ikin8ii '1Vor;tb" "'"" 8irea tb 1ht"~1 wbcdtcr~W..~ .'

'IJIc,c:;""tIyilteli""""'isl t\dilte Nth ...lIis d oaid;~Y...~'"tolheol<1 and dol 10 1bc ~ S.., forIi1yc>utwinJsui(lIy.~ . . .

;):lIe elgie, _~; w.. eo.nfUSed;.iac'1'"1110Iknowwllo he...and, ..

.~in&.iI1c~' calinS ilteir f""'":b.juOlpcd ~I!> be ,...",.i\te!I>

apia... .',. .

". ."; ..' . ". ..

.'. UndislllaJCd.lbc naturalist to<!kiIte~"'" ~ iItef~8!iaY.UP~ .u.'-i'Jj>QfQCiIte_, and urscd him asuo, s8yins. "YOI' OR an ~.~. ....forthyourwi andny."au.",.. w.. afraidutllis .unknown"'If"",)World..d jul1lpcddOw..once'lDO~foriItechickOJii'ood.

"' .

Oolbc'~irddaylbe"I.~ _ cMtyandloOl<lbc,casJ,ouf<>f._- .'..

yard ~ ~.Iti&\> Iain. ~ be bcldtb. of biTd>hiaII. a,l>Qvt.bim,' .

andCtl<OUtapd bim ~ri, iayins."You OR an PSI" YW1ocki'!l1O theoI<y..-~ 10lb. ~.S~tch fOJ1llyour, and 11)'." ,

",', ,1_.."."..j,._

..

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.'.,,'.,-, \

. TIle ~ uf,!iIInd.bacl<1OWarda\be _yanI iu1d"P"',\II,C .yo' "still bCilidilottly,That \ll,CnIuI'I>~ Ur.dbhn8lt1liilht""'aJdsl/lC ..~~adil ha~edlhallbc casJe bI:pn lOuembIc,io1oWIybCiitcl<Jii4.11!": ..

; AI J8s!.WillI~ 1riu1D~lery, be.lKIOJcd...ay jato Ihcbe..,..: .

'UlJIDybe \haI dic'aslCslilltemcn:tbcrs thechi<:Unl wiilt_wp:il.,..y ,.

..e. be tbDlbCoCtaiOliidlp_ tIie yar4.,aUl.. f ~10>00...be bas never rc\UnI.~ Iolcad \be Uf, o(..dUCkOJi.H, _an.lI!ou&h'bcbad,bCenkepl...d ..mccI..a chktCn..,:

.

106 6lJRN'UJ WtN .. .

Juatlike!hc CaaIe, peoJI1eWho h&ve¥~.l!Jthi1lk oftticmaelv~,~ theyaf@:t,~ ~~ iIIfll"o/o(tbcir1t1llpo-

tetttial. TIIe,can.be!1ome Wfl!o~".. ,

','-',..,;

'.', '''~" "'";-".

"'I~~AMD'1t~.',.:~\~,,:_,.',.'

. . . IfyOOwish 10'-in ~~ yoUr ICtfpt, set -.;de SOllIe 1111IO10,~1I\tQub"th1'f'!/k)~~~ex~~"""Jn.ter- r\l.'~ " . ,.' '.

.,71',; ,.,_,,:,,:.,;i,-.:' ."

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1;OO~.4.II..~ p.;';"11)'sm.,... '. I. 'ni..e~~bIIo*idtil...Mat.wfroyour...

l,'. "tOrI.lite'/S~.QI'.ISOyem'ap?'" ',,"',

.~'I>peB.,~ $jIt1lValherila8e.llfl'CC\yo~ jj, 8/1y w.i ~y(i,c.;10-yoll1'sexiaatJOles,wor/c,~liOrW aspita1i9llS)?

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~'thiu...fatl;Out O!'C~.jr~:'nOVf ~l$":'ll\Ir8ur'~~'. ;

::~;~;~J»~~br.~~S'~ r7~~~~~~., .'tiiipt 'oi~Crn.in~tk ~m.,iJil&c I\Imllyy<ilf~w-~ IA. .

, Are you 'ropea1ill8 11II)':.i;Jf tbem~ now? What have ~.u.

.'>':-'.'J,~:':J"~".::""'i?

,- "'-".,:. '->::"'i,~,"/-;,'<'" ;',"":;:";:""'~:;,~;<':;'\;_:,:,:j;/.,

'I,'.,,'.

.\'

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. TIw ~ -fUP 5aIpU 107. Whili---I"" do \he facial expressions ami body actions

c:onv~'," '...

, .

Vuba./ M"'~ iII'You,Scrip!. .

im~yQU~ tltechild ~ USf!dto be. Hear 8,pinyour f8lD1.

'.

Iy'. ..emla. What Will.said aboUt:.' .' .. ,

YC>IIrworth yC)ur abilities . Jbur mQl'alS, )'C)Ut ..'.'"

. '... .,"'''ualliy

your look_ you':inteilig~'

yourb~ your

'.',~?'

.Say ina...teili:e 1iIIatyou unagi/ie cad1 oryour ~tl1&."uriis 1hoUPUf you..

'"

.

".,',

.1~yoUr ~t self-appraiaaJ relMedin anyway to)Ollrpar-~IS' opiDionof you?" '

,",

.R~IdiIU~tllliHI

, ..-"~' I . '

, . ,.

Ilevkw the ta$!itwdays and~ bQWyourelalCJi\>JWt_PI"'JIk. J?1~youfln<!.yo_If plaY'JIgany Qfthe th,FeedtUiatic'roles- YII:tiID,PtlSecUtor. or Rescue(l . , .

. .' . ,~Did your role mange wbCllthesellinl """"~d?'. \..,.

.1Jid y"u play .~ role more ,,!\en Iba11theothcis?

.;. . Are the fC)1~you playtd similar to those ill your.favOrittO

myths, fairy laIes, or Qther stories?'.' .' i.,

,. .. ..-', ~.. .. ,

As you readlhrouP the Parable o,t the Eagle, djd you idiIntit'ywith a,SpeciflC. role? Aai;,YO_!f: '

.".,,' .

. Dicbnyonekeep anlt ia11leme? AnY0!,e I'vebpt"'d ed?

'. Is tbere ~~el~e.~f~.;.."yOne ."~me'l , .

"",

,

0" .ttlgl

Im~e yourute dramabeillsperI'o\'bICdoDa~,

101 . . ~II.N.TO WIN ,.Is il a comedy, _ farce, a saga. a soap opera, a meiociram&. a.

tragedy, or what? . . ..

.. ..· Does

.

your pia.

X.

b8ve a 1Cript d1em. '

e?if ..... .

is il sua;css.o.

'ri.. ented or n.iiure;.orien~OIlrUc:live., destructive,!lJ

nonpr!ldu<:'ive?,'.'

,

:' '...,..' .

. · Bethc aUcii~ 'watcbiB,yOu!-play. J)(, ~~~," boO.} III ~ sleep, WUI YIIW:m.oaey btiI:k;!lr what?

. . . ~. / ..

. Llf, si(IgU, .

, .. ,".'s the_lnOuntof ~ Y9Uin~in~h sit!Ii\it'.~'~

'amount !If !itne?'. ..

." . ", ",

.

· Do yourrealilfttrests.lie wh= )'9U1f,tit1teai14~ are:

Qlvc:$lCd? . .' , ", "

.'Y.!I~em.i1o~d~etibtyoordtaMa 111',~adi~.?'

~,i.reYII~~tedwiil i~YII.inwfl \>f~lfin)'Ollt;~~",.. setIiIt-.~ .'

" " .' ,"" .. . .,.P", .

"

. . ..~,' "..., ,". .

(;:/II(af(;""rt1l;'er

'TItiJak !Illite 8\O$tIID~1 ~plewho~ ~:ly ill )'!>Illlite drama. ,

.'.'

,, .

'. '.

, ~-l!l'tImalJfLiftscripU ,',109'.

-~.a.nk them iJ\tcrms of the time, energy, andreaIJn-.erest.youinvest in them. ".. , "

", .Reverse the situati'!n. How much time, energy. an4tealintet-

est do you believ~ they inveSt in you?:,','

: ". Do you see them as furtherinsyour life plans in liliYway? .

,'. With whouiin4 i>n~ich .~ges (\0 you pi",y-ac,.'~asit"?'.

'.Wi~""hom and on ~hich ~tagesate yo~ fea14.tnt the ~not Justacling tha part?,' . . . " . .

"

,.

.

I.,'.

'.

.

..

...',

'7\TlQI~~BG()8't.'$'.' .

J'qfbtt..tOr'f'or1vP"'~~"~III!4~im\irliiied;i .1hIIbnMD,sotdidr~~, TIIe>P~nt ~~.diei8~'. ~.oflhea~ 8QlflleDavior.jIf.n em,otICID8UY~1. tpI!Op1e. lerV.'II ~t.1Iptea f(j~ clllJef.The l'anml;C$O

,jeie <1-1IQ1.~;~in~.,. (WtWaIly~.."modlerly"or "(atherly."1a(/jj;I,..ao.~ofmatemaJor P!'~ inslin<:l4liJlhu~ McorIfiDgloJlar~' Stu4iei"

. . . 110" . ..

i .

~

'.Pinnthtg and Ilk, .1'..,11IEgo Stlfl. ' . I"

this is also true oflowerpl'irilates (2]. Humans learn how 1obe pltfo .

enlS from their own parenls. Monkeys app~ar to dosomew\lalthesa~e: .

. .

Eaa S"' witbiJ1 the ".rent.

;:h j::::~;'I::i.'t~1;t~~e:;~~~~~~~. Parenl, AdUlt, and Child, the babysitter'iP,"nl, AdUlt,:,and

Ghi1d,an4sa forth. At liJnes~enlS behave toward tlteir c.l)ilcirenas theit: parents. behavedto~ardlhem-morAlizing,'l'unill!lng,IWrtul'ing,ignc:il'ing..AI other linies parentst8&$0110" tile buiB ofcurtenl, obieClive <lata-explainin8

.

whY,del1\o,

ilStrating !tow,searching

,

for,

facts, '

and SOlving,

Proh1e,

in,

s: At slin otbe,

r liJlles \11.,

ey,

''. use bebavior frorn their own cbi1dhofibwJililing, wil\1drawi....

froli.ki~sigg\in.. manipul&ling.and playing. Thatefore,lhe bt.'haVior,ofa persoDrespondiitg froltlthe Pltfent eg<lstate ystemfrom any eg~ state incorporated from one.or,more parent If~es!The Pare"II" a person:s Parenle.gostate ISmbstoflli.nlhepJ1d.'parentS.,

'" "

,""

.' _',

r

. Anal~iIIgiheego'statesV/it!tUiani.oState Is.,canecl.~,order sltllcturalanaJysis.. AppUed to Ibe Parent tbiJ means sot1;lngo)ilthe Par.nt.Adull,an4Gbi1dego Slales,within llie penqn~s .Parent "80 state.Sec:ond-ord~r' sttuclUraJ lysis ofth. Pa,(OAtcan be diagrammed as,

~"page 11~.'.. ' .'

.

.This means ihat at times a person's behavior .naY're;cmble .

grandm6ther's Adull Orbabysitter:s parent or father'aCl!il4, i8lid'so forth. Th. followingSlOty illumatel how certaill traditiollS PlO

. beUers..,.culturai and family scl'ipt$'oomay&0 ~ man~ 1"ne~o.lions,'II1t,bough,the .re_~hilld. tbem.~,IOJlg f"rgQtl '

'. J ,",' " ,"

'_

" A bricle..rvedbU~lifIi,and IiUSban4 ukedw!tY cuI ,tlte omitoff. '~Well,tlla\'a/ho ".Y molber.oya didi't,.. iMi'eplicd. , . ".

Th' n..' timo'h. 1I\0tlter-m.Ia".toppedby. b.u1IaII bar ".by .hecut!be"ends ~!J'tbo bal!' .., r~ Ibe,way IlI»D1Qtb,!,dld11,. replied.

. TboPat.nl egoslale Consistsahnyorid .n of~ *'IuaI parenrfll'l'OI in-~rated by a cbUd. 'The ,!"coricl-order di"Slilll of O8I'b'p""""'s ;P""'l1t ..go slale ,,,,uld reveal a difI' t balanceot pareatanilcorporatiOn.

,,' ,', .

'

.

.'

.

--

. .',PQmiiili1tlll4t/tlPmr,Ego'Silll,. 113

Ca. m tio.. '

,

"

'Oe,

was

"

bealen ,.;verely W,

ill>asua,

'

'1' when his father,

'

PI',

ni$!!~hinl, HC$woreto him..lf dtathe'd never hi, a child.. hisf..

'ther had:,H01"~ver,w~Joe ~ hislir$1son,il*1Md ~7',

ural" 10 hiI\'>to otriI<e ,the child wilen heemisbehaved. ~llOOk a,detennmed decision an4A4nk u.ronitatioll forlo. 10 nji>clify

"

.l!iJPmnt;~\'ior, ,

,

..'

"

"

:1.;. ',"_

,ca..,.nh1.tratik... . ~ .

Ma'fs ",i)therOlJdy tumedto' I\'>~ical cloetQrs.foradvi"~whenhcr.chiid",nwere ill, MarYre.:..u.dtat~~~shewas sitk h~,nli>lh<!tpr~ tea a1Kl<UStBrGP"ddins.WhenMaryh1ol1ahahy'andtfu;baby'<1!l1its,firstfever.Mary f~l~torhebaby Ct,:mt aboldt, ' ' '

, , . '

-" ', ,In addition 10 oQpyli1g chiklCI1>aMg.practic<!s. people

il!cortM!"rale pQtlures~,_ces, ge&liIteS.'an4manyfOl')llsofbOOylangua~ .

'from parenlalmodels, Piclure. ,if you will, ' c', ",','

: ;,','"

,,," ',-> .".,', iI, .

A womansl/lnding withheihands on her hips. sCol4btgsol\\t'-, "on..jusl as her mother 'bad ~.', '

":

"Aman pointillgan aC.:uS;ng"",gei lit people ii1~e o ~I'y ,

his father ha4 P,9inted.'

.. ',",', '"A wOman lifting herohin.100lWtg 40W1j;htr D~sbrugpng bIir

~bouI4ers, and sayins. "That's ,ridicUlo\is." jU$! IS beqjrand,mother had, do"e;

,

, ,ju.~:~'\:dd:~~thhis r~lto CGlPh4sitea~

A.wom ~ aTbanb~fihgfeastjusl.iher motherb~:dOlle"

,',', , ,,',' ',' ',',','"

,," ,','

Amaiogivi.ng .SII~ wink and nQc1of ihI; ..hi$faiber'Jiait" .

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-.:,-'People also intOtpiJrale the:1"")'$:Iheirpaten. pUI Ibmgs il'l1.Owonls, Late~. they".. these Pareata\ wOrdswith, nth_ SOme

· :",",,,IS u..wordSlike ./iou.1d. htrie '...or mil"" 10 I»IIvey 1M idea .

" ,',':,,' ':," "" "

'.

.'

114 . BORN TO.WIN .

ot ..ooghtnes "Keep e~erything in it. piace and yoU WO!!'thaveaJiy problem.." "Everyone.ottght to eatn hi. or her way." OIhe.",more per.mi$.ive or indifferent,.ay things 'llehas"I don't~are.It'sliP .10YOIl,"or "Dowhale~ YOI1viani.., do, hQney~'" .

I\'eijple allO'copy~.i ~ren!iS'l'"Y"hQI9Sica1'ame',.I\, Y91l!lg.wifenmy plt.yl[J" W_'~ F¥' feu witlt lIerllu.II""d in.1n1ll:11thesamestyIeasMr m~1her.1n tI\J$g~tslteblllmeli IItr ~Ibitil!.g.

.. husblllld for her ownlack of .chleveme.nt whenactuaUy .he I,.a!n.icl1O perfcirtn.. '. ' . .r '.... .

" A~aeher~ay pley~with hi. Sludtnts'IIy.lookingfQrandru:.~g~t,1111iIltpQl'\"Rlfa~jUSlasb"prel!~b~dP'l'Y>'.t~

.." '"pervjsc>rmay play.~ ",jtlt ber'1"Qrkcqby bejns ui!-"lear a!loUther standards and then~ticitiJIgtho~orl\eI'SMm...tetw/lat tb

.

ey 40

.

. .

.,ill

.

... as her.

p.re!I~ ma.do he

.

rJee.

I.

,.tb

.

_

.

.t

.

,'

.

~ewa."411m1100' s\ledW ,and.1Iarnnedif she didri't."" .. ......

A youngQecutiVe~Y play. OW.'y.Go,fiYOiI . .'~

"'\

.

~~~~e:~f::~'~~;Ui\:lil!~;~6~Q~~fa'"..~

. ". ;, ~ '. '.

..a.Nrx.tJENCB OFUB P~BOO8TA~. , . , , .., I

'.~ ".. .{ :

.~eopl.tjot 6n1y.i1\OOq,otate1l1e~~ts'bp.avioio.b\lt.~alaOiJ\COr:potatea !I' ofpa~el!tal m p tIIatare hllet ~"'d!n theirbe8ds.like t.~; Somctim~.tWO~ple,,\,i1h\nthePiri'!1te.eo

".tatcaretalkil!" somet!ntci1heAd* lrC.rswbanb~i!"JIOTP.re.i!ti~sayil!g.Botll}oit f~'l~otly'il!ner dialoSUetakes pI$I1eJ : Ween'.t/leinfJ",el!cingPareot .n4the ChIld.

.. < ". '.

",

I

"

_ ' p(l"mi~i and 1M ~(JtwJl E,o St4/~ . II~

. These me..ageS'are like replays of 91d Parental facial e"Pre,..sians, actions,. gestUres,or sta~D1ei1ts and instrJIcUons.,Forexam..-pie, a grOWnman aoollt to leave rood 9n his plate _ the men\81image orcalber's disappr9ving frown atid cleans lip h,isplale like agood little ooy.,A teen;age girl waJlts to steak SC1irf,bllt hearsllermother in her bead, "Nice !iris don'lsteaL" In tbe''SaJI1esilllali9n .

an91her teen-ager Ilears, "99 ahead. boll don't get Cl'1I~t."SliI1'anolher hears. "1m beal the hell 91110fy'1UifYOU.leaI.~n muck

.

the. saine ~ay, scripl ihstructi9ns are:h~rd and f9!19WC\iby theChiI4.. '. ..' ..

.',..

.Sollie Pare!llai iDessages areen~lIr~8.s<>nt'e ~e,"0I. 8011;1,"give permission 10 behave in,CI'rtain negative orpositive.iays:

"If at ('list )1011don'I.~ce~ed''?'''r again!'

"Y 01111~yerknow until, yall try,~ ;

~Y9\1'vej!!>l a gOod,head. use iC;.

"YOII made 'your be<l.so \ie.Jpit"\ . ,

. "O'et lost.#.

,

'.

. SinQ: children are not """'~ith an inJ)ereenSf!r, Iheir f~.

pangs 9f ooJl.Sclenceiesuk from P1'reljtlehiId Iransaetial1S,' Cb.it'dren Ieiom 19 vallie ",haltheirparents value, Thi. earlysensell(el!JI.Scleneecall be experie.need !II.\nni:r dialogue between Ibe P~,. .

ennf!dCbilciego $lales. This in!IerdialoguepiAy b<;.permi~ive..eonfQSing. m9ral, 9r rigidly moraliStic.

"." . , . .

Allhough the inner eonscieDQ: .Is beanj,il'i. no!, alway. col;19wed. Even small children can make independent judgmell!S 9r.give in 19 personal desires. Selina Fraiberg desc:ribt~ such a .hild;

Thirty~~ODth.~oIdJulia fi~ds'herselCalo'De iJil~ kitcbenwhileh~ ~b~'r',1"

'i. onlhe telephone.Abowlofegp'i. ~\he table,Anu ..experienced'.

b~ Julia 1'1oi1aJ<e_mbled fI&s. Sbe re...h..t"r,.thfe~. bUI J)oW,he .<laim'ofre"it~ lIfte.peri ,...witb. eqO.al"lrBnglh, Her """h ould'~lapprove'.;Th..RSJJIting ~1~lhlhtbee,.is,experiea<:ed"'"

1" an~"N". you m!1S\Ji'I"andlheease fOJ.b<)th..d~is presen!eilanda,.d«ilion arriv~ at Within the 1DO t.WJ1cnJuUa~smotbcrJelYms'lo the. .'tilcl1On;,$lie (mds her#ughter <hee!f.llyPIOppin8 'g.QII..tbe ~1eUm .'and se<1ldinghe"'lt plytor .~1!ptop; "NoI'I~NQ. M!1S~'t d90d iL,I\I'ON9No. 104"'.'1 don<! iI!" 14) .'... . .' ','

". .

All children need'some _ to proteClthtTD(rom ham" 10ell- I

.

;, , iII

I

.

"

i'art;.tiIlK and tht 'P'!"ntEgo StaIr'

. ,Ih ..,

Conflicting dialogue ",ilhin the Parent ego. state .also creatisteJi$bil and confusio!),' Barry :Stevens expresses .\bis CE>ofusion asshe, in. her inner -..rorld, cee)s the continuing pressure oCputsideauthofitieS:t,She writes:. . ",

' '"

'. InJbe bet,inning W!"il, and i "'as~.. .

. Tlnon<am. in etht( I.Ou!Oi~"u'b0ritY.T1I;'W~ t~fU!ib\.)\~d.~

.

.oth.r Ibe"""..'...y""nfusedbe<a weresol\Ianydilt:orent""~. .<.;

'authQRties; ", '\,,'<, ',1 "'-'~'-i' "',,",,-<:-":-..

. Sit'~.'~eaV.iII~~"'W~'Y<'''' n6Se<~'<ki tIIa',.\Iu!I's'i"j,~,;Why,tbep<>i>rpuJj\,;I '..-;.k"""'bo":'tapi~.a bon'!l'lus~tl!/;\!iil!:l.";. .

. at ni8h~_ ifyan dqa'ti~'!'-'1<es i!'ha!derto .1..,., P9.JtI'TfLjJ!!j;f.,~THE TOIt:EtAt'MC:itlT~ypu wllka'pe<>p!eup! Always be *' 1" fk'I?r. ;,.,

~~~:;:~it~:::,:~~~r.°~~~:~~;~.:~~:~~.~::£;i..ly, )ltrtter .knives:;Uis inlportanl\O use butterklliVes.Butier kniV~~':y..f'oo14bo~s!Sp"~ni<etr. Sissy!'l(.ipti.,i, Wenderful!,¥h! \<.i~\jnl-n'..lng,aw.y~." ," .,'

, -,',:';";';'

~~~=~~~~W.:~:~=~::r~~r;:'4"~~/..'~ant l~g IS~

.

ttUn

.

,is'sex.

; The mo.'

Stbl1pOr(BI1

..

t'~,ng

.

.

.

..

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a..

1u\ve. ino~ey In, me...~

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~..~'<'

,>.

.'~pOitarttt1Un!is lO~wr~n~.lik~yo,~.TJie~tJ~1;;~~,thing ,,\0. d"-,, Il 'file. mos' Important ~"10 be ..pblst~a!'It'i;..~7~:Jri;n~~~~~:~;~da~t~r~a:;;~~e~~ ~~~~,~~1~~;":thIng.. a bIatk..!II "","-a04 chi.aand s'lver.The mQSllm~ )~wg.."Ipbe.cl...,.J(b. most importiu\t !bing;' to alwayspayy""r d.~TI!'i~' ", .'important tblng is-~t \0_ be :tuen'in by an)'~~~_ebe~ ThemostJim~!' ,":/:

thingur.~ l~~yourp~ents~ The mOStimportant ~ngis towork:~~t.'~f'Orta

.ntthif1g.is. tobe'in~epe

."d~t, ~e ~st i~~taRt t~gis',t~:~~

.

.

.'.:'

.

4;.".

;-(:~U1tpt~ish, The most i1npOrtaat'tbingJs:tobeJ!Vl'fIJ1~-r"i-h~;.,:.Th. lOPs!illlW.-.an'; lbing i'1O~1""lyqur.<hi\dranbeh...h...1I; :rhel\l0S1".impo",,"' thing Is \0 go to the riBht play.;and read.tIi.ti81\i.~.ks.ne'W,t int~""",\thi~~ ~1P<!O~hatoth~saY,. N1d o~e...~ an ~"tluftgs 131.'..,.. ..., ,..,' ....

/' :,:',~:">,'; .-, "'-",'~"

.',-~"",' .,,>, :,:,\-,-~>'.:;,

i'$p~,WIl(rh~te~t' ftpteSin li\eifheads """"'~\..,,',

WC)ft$IymaYlOrtI'reth;"mse~~ listiiriirit",.~ha!tl!>,§UCh.~",jt<irture'~m~w~play#byHIitve):(,*ijo'h'(\' hejOi\I~ r~i' '.iin~.t~qoPd~"'. \ii>'\li-,\~~~):' llisfath~thad..iCl;'."SUtld~$cJio<!! tt. a ..as~,of It~ anji'&\otc>f balPttey. Le\'.8!'. .' .

'1

fl5itmg.'!taivey JC>""4.~)f I'It<:tllaU)tSfotpeti@s.oc "Inei:.

."rtr~tdping ",~I'his. ntoth'er~iid,;\IIen dO'lIgwhat l:ti5father ~ai\L... .

.'

, . I

118 , BOR,N TO WIN I

H~ oomplaiDeil,"Na mattet what I ill'. 'it doesn't seem right HI gato church, I feel I shaUld be fIShing and enjaying nature. If I go -fishing, I feel goilty. What am'l sui>pos~d I\>da abQut mY.ownkidS?".

.

,

"\

'tnJR~G"~ .','..

, Mast~nts ~sYmpAtheiic,proteqive, an.dnunurin8on,S<)me"~ns and criliCal,pri!judi<W,mQl'aliiing.or pllDitiveon 0Ih-~"Som~ ~1S,.nd tOl!e~~n.unuri,;g thanju4$mell\&! ""dVjce."I'rsa.,

".

"..

..1, .

'Chil~ whOh&venunUring J:"'I'CntS<leveJap Parent "IIi>Qtes,,'~ eonlain~.llunuri!!. '.~haViOt.Unl~ss deliherately<lecidiDg

.. against i~ wh~n @rmo!n.tIi~ maY repeatlo their OW"chi!4!ion1b< {

saine.sYmpath~ nurturing rematb and gestUre$they I'arnedfrain. th~ parenlS: .

;.,',." .,..' \... ',.. ", ','

., "..'. ,'r

"Came onw, yOll'to ute4,I'U carryyauaw!,lile.".

. ..~~*c aup. h~*ey, u..InYOIl'lt feel res;'d." ',./

,:-," ,'..:

'"

..',',' '...,',' '..':' ",

-"Tb~t;~too:~~':but'~R't"t'Orry"ab6Ut it"'(

."[.qnerut' i!iliere.,ii Ii,,",,"

'.. "<T&s.i-~alsQ're lik.ly to $c:itl)~.me kind pfproleclive IQIi~'JIIiontbar~1dm1 that...e", ..tan, th.m. '.

".

".

uy <)11"""~t play on thisbusptre't:'~ .,"Don~.tpet st g. &;gS.~ . .

'. . .'."De8l/1'e wat.r is cleanber~re Y!'dd~'!kit."..

' '. '~~rsonilqtonlyuses nllrttlrlngpatenW I1ehaViatt<)wa~dchll-:'\:koin,,but ,I$) "_ 9ft" M \lNUttI1rlq PI!1"nt'cIOWard,<>!her

. !lduilS."

..' .

q_'- '~,J,\ .<:;:/.,'

",,' "',"",',

..,;"

. Wife:' . Jain!, YOll.IOOk.~ura8e<1 'tl!nigttt Js.

~I~ h~baIld) there .~ingsp«!1II you'd ~eto,!k>

u.,t"'<mld~.. )',"u f..II>e.'t<:,~ '., . "'NoWhonn,.,dQQ'j cry;~.oo~dIf!ue tba,1~iQdof l\:1;s,,*..' .

.Husband:.(\0 wif.:>

I!

. \

/Joctor:(to .urge." patient)

Patt.nt: .(todoetor) .

lrut ctor:(to 1:1 ).

Stud.nt:(to in.truCtor)

\Secr.lOry:(I? boss)

1J(> .(to $CCreta.,)

'Work.r:(to worker)

Sal.dtJI/Y:. , (to customer)

. P,"N'ing iutd.~"eP(lffl'.~I:O Stale. . 119

TruSl me and don't worry. 1'1\take Care ofeverYthing:

. .'. .

Don't f.el SO bad. Doc, I can take thetrutb. .'..',

'

You've been working si>)1atda\1 setIIe~lerthat tQday 1 broUgbl d!,ugbnuts for every- .

one. . ..'. .

You still IQO!q)O\efrbmb:iving the fill.,Are you ~re .you f~el.lI,rigbt?1 couldCarry,tbose Iblnp.

', .

I'm,so sorry you\ost tbe AndetS911ao:. <»unt, Mr. Smit~, Lbrougbl you ""mebomemade cake lO..,beer yau'¥p: ,',

" .You'vel<>,*cd unlla.ppy ev~rsince we,putin t\1enew data-processitlg system. DQ1!'t

)001 ~. W. slm need you., .

you'v.worked so. hard forth.tptQ~lion. I'm Sorry you didn~ g... ';( 1'IllI:iet

. you'll havebetler luct neXI~me.,. "HorfsBchair. You just sit y<llJ1Self~wn ,,anq,bave a, nice rest while. we wrap tl\Cpa<:kage. . ,';'

'C'," "."

Sometimes .the nurtUrtllg.aspects of lbe'P"enl are,;verSQ\.ic\- .tous, and, olbe, People resent it. Lei's look al ...Jew exampl.S:W\1en some peopl~.re ill, they resent 'having anolhe:r adUlt"hover"over th~m. Some patients would ralberhave Iheird.<>c1Ql',,lellthem the .truth,lban "ptotecl" th..m from it. As one ,bos.>cQ1II",,

plai1\.:4."lfl\1o!t's "'''sllgM..t indjca\iono(raill, my .~et&1!)' iII,~'sists I clIrI'y an umbre!la, SometintesJ sneak oUi before she,ca\<,bes

'me~.".'" .'

.'"

, -,. .pa&i'unlC1AL PARENT

'\'he parente$<' ~a" t~ndsto~ filled",ill!opi\ilo~about reli-giOl1; polilics, traditiOns, _u.1 role ,expel:t.tions, life styl~, oWd .

rearlng,Jfroper dress, speecl\, and aUt!1e facets of cilltuml and'~..'.. . .

..'

.

, ,

P_""fDUI ,/up.,.., £p SIIIk. :12\

boss,$pous~:teacher.or friendwlIO'fRqucntty iJ a ~ucal P":Dtmay irrita\e other peopIC and perhaps alienate "'e,m.. ,

'

'".

... -', ,

" '

1,2~, . 80RN rOWIN' '.. .wOlked all clay Saturday and part of Sunday. 11M,holiday' were notlfjnsbut a nuisance.Before veryl9ng \tie word had.'Bone around that WalJerBri4.sewa~ the, man to hanqlethe c8¥."' /,,'

"',,' ''";~he',fari1il~wvery ~tde of ~R1~' It \Vas rtotun'~$Ualfor aD'~tire:!tek-to

po$>withou! anyofthe Chilill~' seeing him, On Sund~vJ\lQmillSlhey, 'Would""IJIC~"i". and he,mlgh,tbe'altheh~aJ<faSt tabi.;bepet.d .

. 1he, p1<:~ntJy!"'d,th.yl"I""~ ,,~.ren1iaIlY.anda Iittle,wiStfU\ly"" ,

c tbeY"!si<d hIm,Sensl.S tho. h. wouI4 re~oubl'. hi. .ftOl\S at,the t~IC. in ~"'.i.. th.~. O\te1')'tbingth.'Y':"i1>tod1~2}.

. ' "",,':', ':,':. ,.'

_<oj ,',,:',.,.,\' .,f'-,","

Anin<;Ol1ipletePlirent.go ~'-teQftef!,lea~ 10 distinctive ~,'Ii~viotpatt'ltt.: For,'~l1ipl';'Some peQp1e,fn~~ \heir<;1!lld .go.Bta~e,,1'ftaY~C9Dh:~~an~ arch for,. "I08t~", arentan~ rna 'c,

""t,

~P'!~nl~g" frQmIt01t~"CUPS, S/l ,as asppuse, .. s,' .'tor, . e.,oreve elfoWllehildten.Othcrpeo!llc,j~~a!l

..:~~;~~7~~~Z~~::rl;{;t:nl;~::~r;b=i...,c:aPt<>avoidtl!'poI1sibjlity aupIQ ~XCU"~em...lvesfori\IO.4 er- :.~r;;:~~;.~~~;rJ;~&~~~ew~n'e; .

. .. ..A persOnwitb.. im»11!pleteP~elltllgO 'statema.}' lIof.II~.c:jate,olberpeople wli01te of iii. same "~. fs!Iie 19'"!I"~~!,~y.~O\Vn8!'l¥!etb~:misl1:usL!!1cm,.'?f'ev.elll:ie1!os\i~!PW~::~.

~:". \' .'. '7;"

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,','_,'

',:;, :,',: '.., "..;. ...::':: .:'0,... ,.;;.\..:.::.,...1.;

"

,

'.) ~

Pfl/Yn,iltgtUld the "~t Ego Sldl~, , . t, , .'C_ nIUtra.tIOD

Carl",... tne youngest in a large family. His fathe~ died",benhe ",...four years !>Id.As lIhadu!t be ",...generally c:ompetenl.and' self-contained, but. sulTenrd from periods of depr~o...

"I ciy every lima 1 /alI<.of!l\YchildhoOd .and.spendwe'ek$'eae" year in deeP depression' before the fO\1ilh ofJulr' n-.

"'as llIecjay birdied, IIII' d~ylbt, boltomfe'U ,outormy life!l..,remember l)eingal!nosl~~,be~entbeltea~andan:>:'oth~ antomobije and titelllud ofllte4irt on the c:asli:et.t!ver

'.si_ then I~e (ellan i!>s!llbili.y in ~y life.'

,'. .."

"Well; after that, I weal jtlimy motherto-live With;..ygraIIdll10tller in a \OWIiwhere 1 had lots of u""lesc I, use<ilo'hope "D<fhopeIhey woutd accept me as p;ut of lIteii"~ , :,b

..

'!t'lItey... neverl"!O~U... notir,ed me.,jusf.p.tted me llil tile .Ji<i

.aIL"

.

and8'!vemea Illetel.+ , " ....

,

"No"'.l'm having lto~bleWithm:yWs. There mu.theS<Nl\e,", ." ,

-tbiilg. "",o~'lliilll llie, 1 caa'tfigure'oul "'bat, r wQt.to:bUt. somel10111 1 'USt don't OIt1W1ll " , .

fallter;".

123

, ., ...

i'eo.

'J>ieViithanlnc!>m.

P.

le..

teP.

aren.

.. Jego Slatenot.

oDl)'.

'ha.

ve'.

we.': '

."t\~tt!\neparenijDg£hildren,theyahobavedil1ic:ull}'s~l~inga!'\'f9priatelyViithother'~: . . , .

.;,,--

. "., ,.

.A husband maynol,knliw hoW-Ii, tXI\IIfort hi.s'icio.rite.. .. .. , .A ",jfemafnot ki!~""""to,~palbiz.nVben berh".k.niislaidoffwo~k." . ,',

,'. .-, '.;.,

A bossma)' he !.,.ensitive hi $IIb9J'dinale1'huinaJl, Proble......

" ", ,..." .. .

. .ritheSeessesiliepelio'" _ft~ ~ApptQtma.e~..til\g~

.

,te\'ns

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O.

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.

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by

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.

nIi. " .

Ibe...

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..

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..

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iIi.mtWIri..

atio!1...

.NoI.

.OIII

.'.eanllletreadaM.~~"iIIi~ pai'e!I\iII8.Ih~......

'obse~ and eop)'~ whi!~1...~un",FIitt!I~:. Iller ...Q)IItCjpus1>: lotus llIejr~tte,;,tic>B!II.1lhe ~eedS.of otII~,and ttyto !I\!ldtheseneedS.1'~eJy, QOI><Ip.1IRDtJngdoe&not coin. 'aulomiltic:al\y:-il tii,\¥.i'~ lC1irne4 . . .

. .' .' . ~

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t!~f

t~.Il

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ntiI!

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if~!~

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, 130 . IIQRN 7'0 WIN .

.BXPBIWIBNT8 ANn UB1WJ8B8. /

1. YOUJ'P8I'811t... hoPie ,. .

To acl.n \ouch Willly~P~JlI oso 8I4\C.'i\811bY~,.moru"are of YO!Ir'lCIua\'~.' "

..~'

,.Jll'lagino'youndj'. jj.a ~: lathe tooJII H ',a\1dW-Vjjiutt IeljQipInnIYQ"CaiI_-IQA~1.yQ1!E ~.t ~.~, ~'.'elUdo IaJ*-Of DloltieF.I'aI\Ii't.JIU~ .top. bf:~' \jIare8IS.older IIbIiJlD,~~ o'II>YOIW~"i.I\MIthorityover~U i!urme citIy t&it4ll00d." > '.

. . iml@iilc,lhetaPtI .rc lilbcI~n\I!1s \0 .itbj~ __11II",

· Rcad.n..tofljuntio 1heatill'llon the rideo !llp4tQ'JIIt~ 'CJIII wka 1IIe,OlIOIa!!eled MIH!>fy..:;: . :,.., .

'!{',' "~',,- -\t':,.""

M ' ~~- ,Ollf)l", .. '

'. HowdidY~ 1!~caUlI~ ~ 1JI000Cy'p,robieil!s?A 11I1111I'

--of Ios/jlJ a joO? ~sUddcrl. ul1fXpcctedwllldtaH? ,

"

· ::~Y~.\o .iru~~«.urviYa1.o'4i~ l~tO~eai.'.

. Whet did they spend their mOl\O)''Iar'/ Who.'~_pane IlrilljitHoi>Idid \lrei.CXpftd1t1lm.fCl1ec\.l~cir""'''F'J'

· Ro. dkjlhcy taltabolll \110M;? . '" .'.

,"," ,'::. v'';.'.,' ","".

. P".~..lon-. " . . ,'.

. Did !heYh&YofavorilC~m,ion" o,s.. house, ca.. child~'", pictllrcs'llf so;... !heca.. of posIessionJl1\Or-t il1lpotta~11O

. tlltll\Ih~ thocaR of P"?pIo.01"ri.- irma' <

.~:-.:r~ ~~~"'? ~.~ity \I!k~ ~ ~ih. .

>,:,',!,',;:... "~'~,,_,;:'<',::::, <.~.,;';,\,:

. ,:,' '.,~",/,. ",:~'-:'""',"" " '..."'r:- -0',:

-::._'~ ',;',i.,','

~:.!~,iif"'111t.~~..:~jo. f1!I\lsc1"'~~,.. '. ._1I!I1IIf!\II'C~"~SO"""" ' '.. .

'::/:<;::,"', ,'i' ,.::,:;, ,,':.;

,;'-"" -.'~' ',. ' ,::;,,:,

. €~, .;.;..'.

: '. ~llIapptnWS ill fallll!y~ _ at cIaath,iUaicas,.~. '

.:'.

4ciI!. unw'fted. prc8ll~~, ili~QI'CC~~ t\atu~lcalarnititt? ,,.: './:',

, . ..."."-

,'.' ','

, .

\

PtnN/irt../Iw_e,.S,... , '31".Did ~ut pvenlS resp<lJ1ddifferently to dlfferenl types of

..~'.'',";,,'

,'1,""

-, Who co\lld bereliCd on? WhoJeD a~?

fll" ,.. ,-. . . ','". \Vbal 4i\t' tIieY do. fOr I'iIn? WhC~?

;. J>ldyQur~1$; have \I!i "",me;, .

", ,,

. IJi)w 1Ii\ii!Jey etUtiIaia ..~ W'Io'" iIId tltj:y ia\dIe 1:otlle" 'hoUae? WIi04!d the ilaYillp,J/,,",

,," '\

, . ,"-,didJtkydoror..te*!8_I~:.~:" .

, i, 'iI

"

" "

IJZ . lORN TO./I{ ... Wen there family rilllAls,~ IS DO(ealbla until .vtryonewau..udor until after praye.l't

". W!latopmIonsdid ~ ,,-veal-tdill'eren! foods?AboJ1t~Jo,Kttbouldbe ~Cd8l1d"",",

.

..'

.W,hat...,lbeIr~~a~t,.,~you.tea,llll......yo"ateit7;.

. .."'.i" '.

".

.Were,lIIdllIIIIU.ti~P; l'iIIIi,p~ pr.a 1JIIitu\'e? ..

,:.:"

:';. ,<:":',:./..:..' ", ,.

':':".::

~

.,/., .; .}',;:./

'.-:>_.' ","';:' .::'.,:.~:: ',':':-, ,',:."

, '. -,:'

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ifII~ .. "'" '

,

.~i.:at""t~III'P~I'ip...'~~~?W~thoilrCk!~.lt1'8C:IIve,dean? ...'

.

,.,.. .,"

~~erelhfly.~at hqnt(and~ upwbeb~ ?III?

. ';0ta.~y~eta~,:~~4:liojlll'l1:.' '.

'.'".of~~~~or~dral>?'''..~~~-:'=~!.-=r.:~~~~1iGt...~",.!j .~

," ,

. \81ha1 !tid.I!Iey

....r.boI!t~li~r '91

.".4weII.1iP'ID.t~,

YaI.-1i(e.OrwNIH .-1OaneDd?..,

",'.1: , ,., :: .

"

"., _',:" ',' ',:.

'.':',.'_ ',,'."".

,. H~ ,pluchedw:alioil dW tbey have? Were tlie)"talif6e4 with..it?

.,.' ',' , "".

.Did,tb'Y"l\counaeyou Iifb~~,!IIor;?The~? ?oiW1DtbcyJDIcteited, indi~~ PI'~ ~,you(edil.

catioD?)Scbools? Tellche..? ' '. . .'

W.,-k' ,"

. '.'

." W,,-tIl1DdloijPbs.~ theyba~W~ ~. ...~~~..'''-m? J. '. . . i .

",', ,

c'~"..'.

. :', ,:- . ':"',...',

,.' Wliatdkt~"',abdul.fl!eJGb.1H"';""ycltttlll8k~'p=r.f~e4th~III~/i ...,.., ",,",).,,;' "i

."· Did (beywlpt,youlf)401lle ,",1IIe;'~ Of~~, $OIpelJlill..1)eUerl..',

.":"," '1-:;(\':'.1"":':':""",::<,:';0::"':"'"-'.,,

'"

.. Pid .theyhave ,pedfic altitude. 11110111.""" a wOIIIao',. .,' ~ ) 'it

,>".' " -

,I

1

1

.'

"\.

Pqrm"If' ~ "", ;ft,i, Ep SllItt 133

Workand wh.it'w..ltlan'$ workIn'the businC$$and prof .

5ionJl'olqrld1 ,'.

. ... .

'. .

jil/lt...rl51 .',,'

,

',-- ",-/',

":'

'..,', ", "',

-,," ','

.'Wllat ,veril,tlte n,toftd and .etIII~ahaloC$ youip&rentJ.lailght.>yOU? "

.'.,..' .' .'. . ". .

. W'eRtlI* .'~1fe$ related I<>~reHgious~k8rouUdorBnJI

.W~~YI'ur~".~~S'/...p~Weret~Y,~laled,with ap8rli<:ui,u.i'elisic\iBppTlf the'aU$'. w~ Ye>i!bt'

'c1iK1ed and how? ..' .". ,,'," ..' .

.Oidthey h~~e deftnit.

e.

allitUde51<>,vQlf

.

. 'Peo~l~ OrdilT~'reli

.

'p

.

'oUS belief.? No", did.

'

..

...I!1eY

.

.

..

.1

. .

.

.

t

..

lheiJ

.

etntlitud

.

.es'I D.

101

they use ~religion'lO~trol your'bebavior'l Did lAeyu..itI<>give you a.sense ~f appreda\ion fot~. WOIIclerpfUfe? 1"0.gi~eyuuCbII!tortan4~To'~oIainoatural ph~.

.11&?~h5t dicltl:!ey...y abo,lltnAwo\ls Deliefs?Did they ape?

.

. HoWdi<l theyprllC\lcelhcirb.elief,? Were whal tIIey !'i¥I iIIId.

. wbat tbey'wclconsistent? '. .''.

, ,~

..~~~~r~~~~~::Yb~~;t'dl;nicf~~~Wh5tdicltbey y?Wba\ did they clp1 .

"

" "

.\. '.. ,t:,"

,

. spew. J>alt(rn.;. .~ How did they speak !O each othart'." .

"..Hpw did they ~ak 10 6Uter pec>pl.$U~:~ tlidriff.~nilfl

.f'rJ,Cll4S?SelYanlS? You? Can you recall their w<>rcl$ancltoM.,ofvi>lee?'

. : '" .:.".

· Pill \bey"'O/1akilldbflanguapwilb~pe(lfi~~dlilt-.other ~w\tttod)~ . ".. I. .

J.Ukil'l"Bl',p~r~.:

..~ ,

. Didthejr~\~..~~~et.to~, , '..'

.Didtheylis~~iilta.~mindH~tly?W\.Ib\l"dtf.. slallding?...~~y?1l~~y?. .. What",.. ...101ab!>\II1islelllllg'/ .

..

.

"1 IiI

134 . BOliN TO WIN.

'.~ripl Tlwine. IIIUiRola'.

.'. What ,"",cd to make them bappy?Sad? Angry? F tra1cd?

Help)C$$'I .' '.. , ,'-,' .:-

".

.Did th~ btve'a Ii~ Ibemc,iudI. ~'J)rioIdn8 tIIeoIS\IIVeito

.<!k&Ib,\,':'C9a1miiti8a~~ :~_iour.it,."S\'~.in.

..~~. "N_ uilemdi!i8:}~-;,-wBu~ II~I)';""an"" " q

'. .)'IQI ~e,. .,' .' .

~.'~Your~ts,hawllilrerenIJif'I~~$?\V~ ~'ihC~ .IIJ ~nttlt!.~en '"re lhey~I"ple!nCllIlllY1.' .' >

.

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'-b.t!lk ~)'OUt ~11I8u~sinlh~rY~.~~did'. .the)' I#YiI!e JMUI:'o(Vi",~Pencattors; en ft"acUOIs1\V1ta1

roles. did Yf1U~y ia rel8.\ion to~tbiom?'.,...,

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P/IIJ., _..,.'Proi:.. .._ . ... "'.,,6

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~Wltal were.thelr r e~lkxiy ~7 ".

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· Howdi«they:ic;oId,.pUniilh,or,~You'.:: . ,

:-it .1III41Sr01h imct/o, ~ djcl .cj'Nio s1IbW'. ..~. . , ., , ,y

'"~~. .

faVoRtidQt,';""::-;C"''':,>,-',.,!>-;. ;,,,.,.,,.

.:,:-.',"/';,'<t"';: ,;"

. QjcItheye,q,~ss &/leer' hale, orkive toWard .y(ni? ~.

./iowdi.

dthcy_.

. 'pulal".

Y""1Wjlh.

giwl?f~.

.c:.

~7Sw~_,/, False eomplimenl$? IiOw? ':.,

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'What .mo(lOis ~d ..yinp..eteyoureared !'II? W"~elhilyhC.l\>ful?HuttfUl'1JrreI~1'I '. '

,

., , ...

"',..;... -": -," ", "- ';

· Were Y<?UIpa~lS.gencrally -truslWorthyorli~<;tahle?

.\\!etil\!M!Y~~~Ii\>" WitJ1.~~.~ Wil!>}'OI!t',':,:,".".: ':-'

..,:': ,"','.: ,'0,>,,:'':''

, ~~yo.iI~thep"et~ol!yo~Siae1'. "".:

. WhalditJ yOulihnd _ ah6Utt!ic",1 ~ ..>'< "-;;;

,

..',"

- ,,:_ ""', '-,_-'.-, ':iJ,:-.,/.,

"Poyouthillk.1!Iey r'JI li1!~wi~ p~~ Po.Y4li1bi!lk.they eDCOUra~YOU\ebe -wicUlGrorluSet1' .'.. ..' ,', '," c'

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HoW WOJlldy~ur parenls react to

',iI. sic!! c\Ii1d c9tftgbul in-thO nii!I". A dill";. birtbd.i'p~"

'. . . ..oA"\'I14b\'eakinta raimlytrf...llli'ordoin$.qDl~ ror1>jd;..

'~'.."

< ,':.""-"" "":-""1,,,' -'.

,.~cI'.~Y!n..l!eQ~~y~;~. ,f ....o A4U14's...anting 1fpel.;.

.. .

.. '-,I."," ','._ ','.

,'.,_.:,

'A t«n.age.l'\irini!l.g away orgetti~g) Pr,osnanl.., A.teen-ager e!ltistlrigin-)nilimy semce,

.Tbemarriage ortholul i:bildin the r.mily:

'A'I\ew nei*hbi)rf>f.ditTerenl~~(litor ~ ;\1~"presldenlial~IIiPitt r.n rofce,J . ."'."

.. 'A retallve'swlllltins «tCOlile 10 Iive.yoUr "ome~. ......A~in~nt.~..utinJrora~If..:

.. A retallilewlIoni~ ~ ~... ..' ...,'.

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'~..cariCeklel\l..' ' ,'... '.' .

· Tbe~wOek~d, M(Iit".y ~~or l101IAA

.a. Ho AreYcIu,UIteYour1' ,.

~fter dl~erlna ;;'ore qf wmu yOUrparents,werercaUy like, .becomeawareor bow yo\l'1eftke t1teIh.' , :

. . Ileview the q!leSlions and responses :n &pet\m~''''J''IIDd 2" . ..

ukin. yo_If the Ij~. "H~ dOJ tIOpy \M81'",.'

"",','";_d,.~:";:;<:',, _>';:', ,,' ~-:;':-<"'. .<'<,,',0,. ..' WhAt Is your NW'IIIrin& PareDllike and I\Qw 40 YO.Ulse!t?

.

'.With.faDli\rtfried&? €()I.wq~ '. "'... .

'~\¥I1al i,a§Ou~"Preiu4'lCi~1'!'fen~iiie 'an"fI9\V'do;'u usei!?.Wilb rtniily? fri.il4s? CO-wod:en'!' . .' . , '.

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,136 BOR/'!to WI/'!

. What. mannerisms; gestures, tones of voice do -you now usetha.!are like Ihose of your parents? '

If you work,with clrildre)l,how much of your behaviqr comes'fiom )!PUrParenngo swe?"

"

,

':

, Imagine yOUrself talking ",'chJl4ieQ ill <WTere)lt moods. ~oW", wo1i1dyou respQl1C!to;a",hjnychikl. a h~rt f;biId; a ,,~ughty

,

cl\ild, a boaslfulcllild, an inquisitive child, ...8iw1na<:l>iId1

W,hich llarenl ftgU1'e$irJ.Yol/would taUt'in lhalway'l Is itappropriate? How \10you, use$h,~se $lime,modes Ofex~&lQn low~d gI'OWDUPl'?, " '

.'

Ndw lake a pencil and paper 1i1Idwriteol11your idea Of,. per-fect, child.

" '., ~. .,' ., .· ,Do you think, tlli' j. wbatY<I\It'parenltigures .!)IIi" write?,'

.pi~youIiYe,up to o~fallsh<>rt0f tiUsiJna80? ',

'. Do you '!'(1weJtj!C!;l~driJl1 orOtiter adultslOCliveup tolh!Si!ll~e? ',,'

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.'.~'~""~~"~Ullot~_~,..atope.1t_y' to ~

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'. Imaaine'Yourseifat.nA';'..g: Abi>ullWCJ:Itfliv.~are PIb~inJ'orillally, The speaker..1IS the ~up1C1'..'"

"qo)l 8I!4,!hen..yo, "Ilieedfive Ofyou!O v<)IUftteerso thai I ,

can okmODStrlltesome o(the princjplesof our new ...~cb~to mathematics.'," - - -', -..

.. . P9M your eyn;wMlwoWd hepg ol1,in ,YOurh~dwhen you were ccIIIfrOnted,with thio requ.? Who is talli-ing(in Y0JlrbeliJl)? ~bo ilts?

'"",, ",

.~,youraelfal>Ou!.l9.l&kU r~,~ it\.I!i,I!Dcp>rtanl""1J1'SC.l.i~,to your inner dialofIC., :'

" i.~tare Y"I'':p~ r ressayin&1.Jiow;is~j)lt1er

" ~~~.r~f~z,':tt:L~:i=~~~~~~"'..

'-, ,,' ,

..

o l!IIaglJleyou ~ive 1I0tir...tion lrom th~ .Intemal RevtnueD~p8iimel1tthaI,they Wishyo~ I!, come in to documenl your

, in,colII~ ,18« ~Iuni.,"

,

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- .

PlIIftl'''I aiad tire .ptWlft Ego. Stlll~ 137,1 '. .- ~

.'What is.,the innel; dial9gue?

> Imagine you are at a banquet and your name is called une~-:peeledly. You areaskcod to stlllid up and come to the .fronttable. Imagine, as yOUstand there; thai the speak~suddenty. launch..in~a paean. pi p~aiSefor your "good waits": .

What do the P~nt (igures iReXO'irhead sav io YOU?Howdoes :yourChild respoftd?'" .

".>Imagine severalell10tlOJIaioriraumatic situatiolis: Li$ten to

yourinterli81 dialo$ue; What is.aCtu~lly ~d'l . '.

. ~ : . {I'

.,. .

5.Y~ P~nt.BgO~~te8 ._

Writeln~he importallt rness!'g":you.i tWQ DlPst signifi<1lU1t p.r-'entfigures SC;nito ypu from each <Iftheir ego stat.., . :..,

'. . ~". .

.

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hiCbof,the.. me.

sse,gcs haveyouincOrporated in )'Pur pwn egostates.? Include f~ings, 'thoughts,and behav,ior: ..

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IJ3' , ,'

80RN TO WIN ,

eo Nan.an Therapy (Japan~ Setf-o"rvatlon Method)6'. .' ' .

If you ue famillar with ZCQo~oll\er fonns of l!SCCIioip<!dita.'

lion, you.may "'8111k?tty thiJJapanese ~lfoj!bSCfV.~ i!tOth,<)d~t.'4ikIlltIIl"""y.' "Iti, apro<ilsSin ...hiobthed~pll' ,

n8llte;tam!lIes~df.I1C\Ois on IUs~I ~x~lIc<s,an~th~II~.h .

J~ ~lIecbllR _pl~ \lIe seU',~rotl\laU~II~ IHi~, 111JaJ18".N.aik~ ,*~olle ~e~,~thePef801l ~I~,,&:o,n hisor b~rlegs 111&$n>aIi,r~,: ~~8fromS,~'ai,. ~~p.1I1.A;leI\~er ($ensei) colll8l ill~ thefl?ODlffQmlll!tO to lIIfte...daSkSfhe,pcrsonto,meditale OIIIyon,theJ>\!op!ewholiave ~cI.eel the \ndiv!dull{'s i'efSQnll!ily,~gin"i1I8 wil~ lIIepctsI!R"mOlher;The di;(:i~anl is aSke!il9f<x:us

0" ",hat lie'o"lIedid,or sai!1\()the~,sm<!theri!llh# dhte~ingre~III~I'4Id.lIO!ju$lwh81,hed!dor$8id. '!'he emp)la$isis OI!.sel!'-I!~a~Iionrath..r that! 011olher-obscrvaiion.

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tr~dlls,forai(extendea pcr}<>d.' ,,'',.\ ",'".,." ','"

.Imagine you..e IDokingat~blackTV $CruninyQut11\iiriL

.tJteti.brin$YQt!r mOlbe'ftli the s~,W\lenpictu~ ~~"den~witb your mother ereers<, ~ yourse!!; "WJ¥itdid1c\oor say all\le time?" Keep your fpcUson )"hat,roullic!, DrJailed 10clO;'or bad'DO i.ntentio,n ofd$8." : "., '.'

.}{~pcat lhiswltb other pircnt fi~cs. ',"

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~hitt doY!'u learn a~\IIjou,.,,!p,

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9hl~1EgQStflt~. .,

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Each of,us caqies within",,,,, br&u; and nervous system permlll1tptj, rOc<>rdin&,of the way we experienced our own impulse. as",~hild,

the way We experienced the world, the way we fel\ ,bouttheworl<!iWe experien!>!d, and, the way wc,.adlipteti to it. T"ePare~tego.s~1t l*'<;orpl/ral$ th~' per$Qllalities of emotionally si$bl(~tal1tborities;theChikl~~ ~ ,is the inner wor,1dbffed/n.. .iI.d

'e"perie~ and,adaptatinas." "

,...,

"

",,",X ~wbote~ads" a~d~qu~v~ !\ITe<;tinn-,',

~"selfis\1. mesa,' playfu~ whiain.."'-.nipulallve-is rCs'poIIdiIt.".fromthe,Chi'id e"'$,~"The ChUII.slate develo~ i!110t\u!1edj$eerilible parts: the Jliatutal ,ChUti,th,e f-jtt1e~fe~r,anilll!eAdaptCdChiJd. '" """,,"",

"

','

t~. NatlU'lll(:~IIiI,is tltat partoft~ ChUd,~ state that ISlhevery young, impulsive,unliai!>Cd,.eJ\presSive i!>fants\iII inside. ,'. 139:" . '

I

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140 BORNTO WIN" each pe~n. It is often like a seJf-~ntered, pleasure-loving baby'

. \\those response is cozy affeclion when needi are met or angry.re-bellion when \hey are not met. ',

The Litrle bofusoris the umchooled lV;sdQqi of a child.!t isthat part of the Cliildego state that is iD!uitive, re,pondington,op-

. verbal messages and playing !lunclies. With, i~ a child figurosIhlngs()ul,lhings sUch as when 10<\'Y.when toh'~quiel, and;1,iOwt<>,l.\1anil'Uj8te mama in to ,miling, "TIle Lillie' Prof~r is, alsO. 'higltly .creative., '.,

c' ','',/'

T~eAdapredCMldis that I'artof the Child ego stite t!lat e~1>c)lSa modi/kalion ofllie lIIaturaIChild'sinclinaUons.These ad~

,

tati0!1s of,natural impulses ooonr'in respoRse to ttauma~' experi-ences, training, and,mostiml'ortantly,. ~.lIeman~ frolJl,si81)jt,i-calit authority JigUres. For example; a' child isnaturallyprp-.gra\1l.d 10Mt when hungry, Shortly ai¥r birt~, howeve,r,thi! nat-ural.urge may beadapled, SOthat the child's eatiJjgscbedule '"de-termined by the chil<I's parents. A child would also, do a,nd take,w~aCs'\vantednatur~lIy,oni",pu!~, b~tmay be'!dal'te"tOsh~ar>4 to ,be <;nurteous to.".~d others In ways also deter..mll\edb~t>Ji!"CIItq)n the next pageisa !ec6nd-dJderdiagram o:nIle01IIi1esocs'tat~ \"",' ',"," -: " "",-:: ,:",',,".

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'filE NA'l'UkAL CHnJ>, ,. ."

.. The Natural Child within eacl' pets0n'.Chil<\ ego ~tateis what .a

ba!>ywould b'e "n/iturally," if there Wl're,nOothl'r intluence, The,

Natural Childis ' ',.". .

. af),ectionatc,.

imptilsive~

:s~nsUous,

, um::ensorea.,-

. curiolls.

.I

, ,

'.,' . ,- . ,

'BY~.lII.re, ao~~fanti:~s~nds1o tb,~.~in'lo-skintol!ch Wiih,~-er,and good feelings of a, rullqelly. j~t4e O1otberjsplelUled Wl1l\ijer b$by, smiles.ofsatisfa<rtion I) betWe~ them, 'lhey .ared<1se'an.dli.ke it., ','.

" ',!nfani.\ respondllnpplslvely, tQ t1ieirllodily (eeliDgS,ctying ,, .

ChildhotJd ~"d rhtCh/IJ Ego Start .41 ,

when hungry or wet ~nd cooing when full or comfortable, ht{~nts.react spontaneously to changes in their situation. !ly,lIature seek.

';11 g pleltS ure

."

.

vcr paIn,

.

infants

.

'"e una'l\ame d ly sen SUQ

!,

.

The

.

,enjoy pleasurable feelingssoch as roUillgOn a ruS' 'plas n, thewater, warming in the sun, luckiJl! on a thumb; chewj g'On.a.blanket, slurping'lustilypna'bott1e, They e&ploreme!r bodieundare 9~en deli&htedin what they find. Infants are without an i~censortha( might.s~y "No,", . . .' ,

"

,

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.

Ita_ed. ""..III! ... "'...""

, I. _

Ad inflll\.t II ~riOUI abOut tite'lUi-roulldi.g ivot-l4'"-lookIIiJ at .'1.Ceelinsit, andofJcntryin..1I11U1C it/I'lIel\tU"a~ jIcar .licklesthe iDr81it;me mi>veaj",toj' _mobil. ~t/Ie.lllf8llt'scrib capttltes ~tiM. These. ailf,fodW.tIt 1I\Ii1II.18Iit.....

:;"~~j~~Qfe:nf~~!#.~~lm:.L-teritl1ifelhcllCpr~c,ti..~ m~ di.r_ ~"eur"rlJl!!lreamt,cSl't,ellofa sy1SI!1!IlIeajalllta..

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I01"""" and.'''' CIdJU,. $r~,.. 14'

or aggression, In a grown man tIIc:se fanlA\Sies may lake tb~ form ofimagininJ be is s,ur\Ound.d' by beautiful worn.n who bring himCOIIIfort and dcligbt,a.king notbingin ~tum. Or, they maY takethe form of ~i""1Y tellingolT a bosSor.beatin, som~ne up:Fantasying is ~.~y a8'1l1/i,,"up,~thc;tn\C1'llal.N~IU'ral.Child! ,'. . :'. .'

. ",

''. Aaveyou everno\icC!l'...1\Ierry mallli!:kingalii~#Cm.Cone

w~ ,?bvious dc~gb'OI1'a.patk ~~h. or allli\ld~~ ~,skippl~ aIonaail qeeanl>C!ac;I!.,or a <o\!pk;~1 \opijI;t.!Ji .joyrul abando~fid1.1b90u .8awJ~>Nttu,.tCllilll ~lill:~

. expr~. Rep~orhow old a petsoll,i.ithoJllalurar~~has valu..\t~cllaim andwAOJlllthto tbe~.~.'ityi

.' just as a'real child.anl\!ld cltann'ifnd warJtUh10. family, "per. '

_ 'onw~o maintalasa.child's ~pabUitiq forlil'fectij)n;~ane'iI)', *n.uou.n",~. Cliribslty.andlinagil\ation is li).:etytDcitjoy.Uf.'and is fun lobe arOund. .' '. ". ..

.'Ho v... th.Na\uralqiidis DOrju.tcharmil!g;but ~.

,

"",

f.arful. .. sclf.iRdolg.Jit. .

..I(-&n\...d.

r~belliou..

aggrcS$iv... .

Bynature.cbildt"na""r~;"f\JI.Tb.yhaveprimalfe ofbomgdropped or abandodcd. What would happen .if no.on" ..meto.protect or tare for tbem? Being naturanysclf.ind~lgeJiI. childrail

,wa.~t.~.rything'\~eIr own way':'someti9>esat a~peci~" moIDCO\'.",lliChis usually.tlgIIt 110",:,chl14ttllappear to .xpe~uce tIIe\1l's4!IVCSas lit. centerof tIIeu1l1v <

'.'

. .! '..11>eo.it"'l\\Cied!Zhlld.Weiisi~\O otherptoptt f..Ii....

t..i~~Id,i~seIO~Iii><i~'t:Jllie tf'sli!\te.;tIO'ltke 'Iiras.:H~oo;

.~1¥~~~~~1~~~~~~...,$O~Ii~ ~tbi$ wjll...itb 11>i'cc.', . , ."<'. '.W1I!!Rff!lsUitt""''¥N~lii~If;liilcl m~rebl!liioiisly.ciijl. ,

"dren. mayastert tblswilfby throwin&a boUIe, retUs/nglOeat,anlil1&1/iitllilngefcl\rebclli01!S.cbilclsaY No:' in.many.way..

.Sqme Child'{.nexpress rebelliOusnessbyhaving:tempcr tantrum..When. used inlidult life. such boh'aviO.is self-defeating.. . .:,. .

."

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. ,148

.,

.' 'BORN TO WIN

Ca.. UllUlt...don.

Wben Mary was.littlec8ir!, if..she C9~ldn'lhave -.:h£.8hewlllled. sh. would faUtolll.Ooor. kick h.r r..1 wildly. and

, screaltl..Her ~Olher ine.ital>lypv. in 10 her d.mands. .

a groWn Woman. Mary)OillSa,'compttent secrel!li'y.nd inlin. to'i>ecom. pttsonne\manag.r, How..er. Wh~nher re- .

qu.st f<>~'*rtainv~tion dat.swasdenied. M'ary...spond.d.Ii)'yelling."'wanll~d.~ies. and iff can'l havethqrrnuch.)'011ell! .n.otOb\a#S aMund bere!" Sh..lhe.n st8n\pedherfOOl.rnilrcbe4outofhersuparvisor's office. and slaltlrned tll.doOr.. she w.nt,As. ,.soh. Ihesupervisor sUbmiuedsuch an.gative rep!>rt Ihat Mary nol only fa\l.d I~ get her.preferred

.

v..ali!>,! Ii!"e.sh.also fililed to be adva~ to perionnelmanager. . ..

'

;

. .Ui)l... ilioy make "1(-cent.tOiI d.mands, .ome.Childreliwo.uld

,. petlslI;"~tr asemli'VCnl'5ian(\r~nlOuSI\'" gowm*telyuh.

.c~ked. peoplt.wh.n arowit.rnayl>lindly~mand *It.gtatili",,-tlOnw

.

ilhoul regard.. .itherforperso

.

nalll.alih.

or 9felY.

orto.'

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of-others;SIn1h perso~Srtllyd'ri'VCUkef<XIls. dr!nklOO.lI}yc/t.a~deat likeglullonl.Their unadAptedl\h.!uralChild~Y.m.~,nlI1anyl'll~s:' " .

. ..' ,." '.

'bosses 'N.~o~~nttllin~~~..itway.or':lhe~;~~~.' willl-oul ~pr!l for Olh.rt..."... ,

.~.:i?.j.', ...;'. f.iJath'..who ..Lnilll>' lake more.th.r!.their sh .'. puents \Yh~use their aggreSsionio batler tii.irchi1dren.

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. ,'~oiiv~rii:IY, jft~li~ of .WC$Siven~ and ...J>el!ious~'" are.

. ~m~IY~Uekhed1n ~bild6QOd..pCQpI'e~~!>m~una~l.etO..at'"~~iIi~es.ey~whenne~s.ty,'ttie)'~ ~;;SI>",,"of,*'

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C/dldhood.rrJ Iht!,CldId Ep SIal.

THE J,JTTLE PROFESSOR

. Th~ Liltl~Professoris tbaLpan of Ibe Cbild ego stale thai isiaaately . .

149

intuitive

~ea,ti,.e,

. ,1It""ipul.tiv~. ' ,. ..".

.I. .' ,

.Witlt no knowledge.of psychology,&mild inluits mucltofwl>alisga\ngon

.

,DebbY

.

lOOks..

alher mO

.

lher's f~ and figllres",ul she,~dI1etI~t .top what, she's doing; Site catches her mother's ""nyerbalm...a$e senl tlu'ough a disapproving look and~ncls to it, SIM;

. Ihen attempls to solve hc(problem wilh Ihe use of her Liltle Pro-. .fe.sor, who ';psychs ""Iulhe best. ro"v~ in a given.situation.

.'......

. Winnie-Ihe-Pooh (I], a walkiag, \Biking teddy bear, is. li..p'.'Prototype of the inluitivelittle.Prof~r. Pooh)Vants \1(jn.e:trr;»n'Ib

.

ctopofalrce.

, bUI ca

.

ii. i.

nbisli..i~lIcInP.

,

.

1

.

\O.g~l

.

it...

Helhlll."

.~

.. '.

.

.,,"'

.gins 10creale his plan &~!Icalls fm'hiJ .ia-yC't,t1>I&friclld, Cliri.~.,,' ',::pher Robin. 10 give him a balloon. '(bus he... 110""to\lle'tOp.!I"t ,".

,Ihe. lree.. .

.. .. . , , .','"

,

.,~.'. ..~~

"Il'slike.lhi.,,,'he~aid. u"'hcny\,u,;o after ey wi"'tbaUQ9n,.tht~thin! is nol to let theboes know you're .<omi,,!, Now, it'yon ba1lC.i~ } .

, balloOn, 'hi)' might think you wmoaly pat, ,Oftbetree d ll!il,~"

'

,

. you, and if you have a bl.e balloon, they might 'binkyouwereQi!lypadOf .

,the sly,and not r.~tice you, and',the CfuCsuon is; Wbithi$ most like1~' .

To furlherbisplan, Poohroltsbit11SOlp~the mud.He inna... a .

blue I1111100n and. hanging onto it, rises above the treetops to ~.cOme ua little black.cloud in lhe S1Iy,WIMthe bee'seetl\r~~dtsguise, SOhis plan fai~. AlthoilghPoqh had given inllc1.':t~u&!Il...to solving ms pr6ble"" b~' I~k'" infolrnntioita1'loUc~;iIIl~!I'genec a,ndvi.ulil "9iIty oflbebees.'. .)', .,:", i)'

like, Pnob,lb~ ltt\k 1>tofessor,.. Ib~ Child tgl;l.~I8!i'I~1fO('1~ .ways well inf<>rmed.Tbc child b.. nef div... enollgl\~)jtj)Ibad enough e.peri"!'", t9 be so. 'I'heehild oflen.rnakes W,,?~'"ci~ions and draws wr9n~ cOncI\I$ion$. F.ot damPle, si~y.ear.ok,!Raymond, who had heeD watchiag t~lCvi'ion",t!iiera' said.lO.hisgrandmotber. "look <>"1for r?~~n you.open .the door.~

"

,

1~1 '1/9RN TO WIN

'She <esponlled, "How wiD.(lD~ . robber if I see ODe?"WilhS<OrDIbe boy we!, "Oh, OmDdm., you em IIIw.ys ~lIthe ~~"ys;theyweillbl..t _,,, . .

'.. , . .

" 1."e inlaid"e yme Pt'ofessoris stili '!'li... .rt~ . persoDh.;gtoWDup"r--~ ~,ItIDV1e,.~ em.inluit~ meallingofthe

~~~~~=~~:.~7:~%:yto:;:;,::t~:.

.1I4..elijcnd.u)'be enjoyiDg .~...tAsy.", ,.' ,','

.!

'TheLitt\jiProf~r, ~hO tm Iio8!>m~ofi8iui wilholllauikor. feu, ~ JlQI biclil!ed ,II> ..staY~\hiJ!' theliu.,." .iD the <:!I.i-.ori.ngbook.blll.ean 'Origittatcnewbol1ndarieS .J!d llUlke. dlffe\,-~Ipiclure. ThIi lJuteProf"'"'l"i;An 1I\8iI(~e8$tle 0l1loflllllld",,4w.tet. Ii building out ofbloei:s, pies.oUt of nlud,'od . draiaa with

.big!t!!eels md loil! skirtS, Cowboyhl!\$, II11dbolsters.. .~lewhoexpresstl1eircreatiYilypurpo",ful\Yuse thelrLltlle'Pt'ofe!sorihoonj~nCtiOh with thei\' Ad~1 ego ''-Ie. )Vh~ llpers<!n

.expenences "moml9l\ of geDius. the ];lItie Professor Is:proba~y .il!9ft il. The Adullartd the Lillie I>ro~r mllke.gpod fejI",.Tci- .

. getherlliey _: .' , ,

\'. ,

,.'

ChiltHtood, lJrid.flleCItIId Ego S'll" IS3

to figurt QUIhow to bring someone Close by, Ofte~ by lrial anderror. Ihe infant finds Ihal.. f~igned rea~ orill!!e.. will makelJjother come quickly. If Ihese early manipulations ate effective;tlte chIld is likely to atti'ibutethese succ;esses tomagie.''Like..1Imagicians he believes. that his wish"- his though!$, his ~prds arethe instrumenl5 .of his' lliagicpowers"[~t Af!er ;ijl,'a clrild 'e~

"inake the world dis.ppejU.I!Y..clo$inl.hisprher.eyes. .

.....

Y<><4ngchildl~n akl> attriliUte mJllic powers to parent fig1lt~and may fear that they \lave the .power I<)turn 'litem in.to 5IIakct,..to&<!s.or ugly duck,\i 0tJnak~themd~ppWa1lo8<~er,M-

'0,.tually.'~~enl5 do hol.t.

, thepq~.

rllflireal14.

<ij'~~~WtheD.

.'.

;~!I

..

j

.."'.

.

.

..

.\chen.ft isno wonderthue'llUdretl\~totitlAli:or~..;'

powerrul gianl5 or ..itches to be'outwitted. &11,<I.o(lheI\'~.."

powerh:ss.(P<)\verlessMe, rID' nol OK.. POWbfui Yo~. ~OII''''''OK.) Som~ ..uthol'ities tal<e~v~t.!,f a chi1d'~~lief~. .whentheylmj>1ytheyhaveey.esllttltC'bitckoftiteirheada~. ,tllaj someone is .Iway$ ",a't<;itil\8-As Onelx>ywtOtel ': ,,'

'. M(1)t\ter.are. people with ~~ay eye., Tbeyalways tnQWIIIhe~,~~,"-.hat you are doing, how you're doiqg it. who you'fe_doingit jIitb,.~, .:'j,wbcu. you're. ~oin8 it. T:heY'BR "thefiB. ones to find oUt what lOu..~~(~,' .:

':.want anyone ~ mow. - ,.' _.' "'-.',. J . ".\ ~

'. ., .

". 'ack{3I.

.

Childrenfrequently~li"Ye}nthe n#cof objectsand events. '.,.

~Ybeco~u.perstl~ a~\.!Yd<y peJ!ny.a iabbi.I's root, af""r.leaf ciover.a-blaclrQt, a !oolh uDder a .pilkWI'amado.....crossiQg1hemooli;btCaJrjQgamirror;steppingonacraclr. ~iQg ., .

on a &tar..and walk\1lgu"de;' a IAdder.\So",epenl'le. when ~n,'are Qa~ ta dis~uishthe magical !hillkingof the Li!tlc hates<

.SOl' f~ the faClUllIintormati<)lllhaicani>t ,data proce$SCd by

.

their Adult.S~1t' pec!pIe~~sily""'!Ifjjse fl$ClIDdfantasy. c,~ql1colly;they may a!'l either omniP,Otent«h.lpl or jllSt ,.~tand de.1K!tIjiJa!.:>'. .

"".' ",

O.m!li~~people matIi~.I~ the,lOP-dogposi-001\'2'J'!I~1I}'in"'"'the.ti~()[~~ iHdclw\ellt!iatthey hOlda ~~~et'.. BI'*~ ~tllbt... ;

a'~~ptOJ>le JRlmipUlaletrom.1,IIe under-cII!S.~..=j.:r~i~~~:,?~:~~~irhelplcssn~

Man.

,'1.'~

.

' e.

retaina<;hiId..

hOOd

..

belieftU.

'iWishiIIgwilimAk4t

.

i.

1so. ~',.j$b.8nd wait for ,the mll8ical event'lo idljirove their

.

.. . .~o

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:1'

t'J

-i

co-

ji::

t'J:>

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<: t'J

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p-c'

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rn O'

I"

,

~._-

. .156

'.

II()RN TO 'WJII

live,. Meanwhile, tililerUl\S out, and tltey lIWIi}>ula/c IhelD$Olves'into going nowhere. Beme ..teB to !hi, as waili1lgfor Santa Claus.He wrile,: . . . .

i'!,~':,

'

,.

H:'-.,-"I"~;L';',l"

&;~,,':~-',

1:.',',",

.

,

"C";,,"~~

.'

.THE ADAI"i'BD CBn.D

A ~ld;. flrot adaptations ~,!he wo~14 bept .in the "'other'a.wottibas her emotions, chemiW QUlke.up, nUlrition,lI1\dheallh., .

,Ieav~ their ef'l'ec:tson bCronbOt1t dl/14.Fo)lowing1ti_ e~peri. .

,

. ence. is the traRlllaof bIrth-aD Infant's flnt ihrusttnto ~~~ate~nes. and flnt ""..tact with the oulOr emationsl aild physical envl~ronment:,This new envlr<mllteJi'tma)' range. from dire Impcive!'ish. .

"

ment togro88overstillndation OtoverproWclion, ""nl!'il>util\g,tothe OK or not-OK~1.ingS the infant wi!1..dllllI1Y dOvcIap.'

Immedl8'lely after birth, an Infant bepts !I)ladapt.totbtde-.mandaof outside authorit)', d.

.ngthl. out Clfawink1survive iII1<Ia

.~~.fa':'~~f~v~::~:;~:~:.~e~~::;~::=a:v~Qpover)'slowl)' froril.interactionwitb \htenvirClnment, panicul~

'l)'with parontfigurjOs.'. '

. . ......

Smiling ,and flattering responses {rom pa~t li4ures ~vey to.'. thecl1i1d the ideUfapproval for doing. what itrigbl. ~d or

an$')' parental respo!lli's convO)' a sense 0( puniabment"l"P!iR.. for viron8-doln~ Youns children usuallyleam whallheyousJItto .

.~. by belllg praiSedClf pUllished. ThGf fig>ift oUI, witll tbe aid Oftheir, LittJe PrClfessor, how to avoid pam and bClW"toJetaj)~I.TbtY,adapt, in sOmeway, f!ithe..ougbt ,.'

'.A'chlld'Uliaptations mill! ,I" ~at .881111'",ails the/I;/:Iaptt4

Child. The Adapted ChiliUs the pa,rtofthe Child egO atate, tlWis .inltuenced primarily,f,yparenl8. . '.

Whereas some adaptation <)fnatw:al il!\pu\ses Is ~1iaI, many. ,

children e>q>~riencetraining thatlsunnet~rily f!preasive. fo~ .',

"~mple, cbIIdren whQ bear: . . .

.~.'

,~I~l!give YQ,\~"",lbing to really cry abQut!.. .,.- .,

'.. -,.'" ,',' ',' ',,:

"I expect you tg dowhatfsay ilndliteit!" ..,, ','l-eanbtand ,iti ,I)(>iI'task meailoCb~dUrilt. queatioft!"

!'I'DbOat YQuwiJhinan in~ofYQ\lflifeit )''111..y that"again/~~' .: ..:

''"

,."',' ,.:'.

may adapt by 1Qoil18,tl\elrabilily 10fe~lfQt $emselVes,tO be curi-,,QU' aoout !he W<'Irld,

.

IOl!ive.

.and receive alTeciion. Their naturalexpres,iven~ be""me. overly inhibited. .' ',- ,

. / ~ .

1S7

,.

..

I

. I"

CltllIIf/oodrw-'1 CItl/41Jo'.' .'.

.\59

~"ntly. ~lhollJl1lbe J*lilleJltlycltft,led18v1l11 Up'".11II.11, 019111~ Ihi w,nUnlo e rqe

b""".ollie-

011ImoVed.louOl/1erpoup.. Thli oulbunlled her 10pi In'/oIIchWithol4f"lin.. Qtanl'f lIIe bedfellwhel! ber mothlfW.. \Utl\v1lC)!MIli-lin4her tether bed8llbW8l\i\ ~~,W~~~..~~. ~itldntady..~t.a.-~ .::'~~~~~;J:~~w;:r=~,.,.~, Ifii,.roonl~.u4~,~'r_th',Id4..;~lI\iI.a~~'IIIOIbIr...~~iI~)r' ,.~IU~. .': ... ';'C'.::;"":':,,:,,

.BtIty~..~t... tive"IIb'aA;'IUI\.hom'hoO~II1tIIll"'.

.1wllylrmy. ~er fal/1erruelZIed b41rrlll!l~',..',!!!,"~"her fOOI!1l~., .tIIInPc""~,!II'~.. ..tlW')'Ib~.1\ .'lbelitupId.otcJ) ;""

.1~!Ia!...IIY...tttcl~~OIIeO{ber.t..cIi~~:N~~~~ '.'.,

'man'\VbO tireJy kepi ~ 'Pro~ in4~l\eIIk.epIber'M!iI :.'.',for bOUrl.Mer. .&Fbl\jl8ppolJl~~nce, 1Ieui~~"', pWtled."Wby~. IbIItlwi.Y'\I*IIpenlo,m"" »;/,:, , i

"

, ,~., ,', "..',i,.,

',D*UyW"""enluJ,ll,yable 10aclmilWi 8he"~ held. ~AII' >'bit lifeepin8lbermothet'ancl rt.ll\etJor tbulcIoI!iIitllli'."'; ,

'''9f!nll'iDaoooll1pllti.ble~;3~1I obmvIcI!nclietllfw\lo .,J pi«lIIin,,"yehII4~. :..

.', '. : ':,'" .' < ','i' .'Olber cbilcli'enlnelbl1!WilluetiOllmlpl ftIIpOIIl\cliff",,",,,.' .,

=~Wi=Lijf~~~~~~ed-r~I~:;:::~',

=lM~:t~tt:.~bIe~~:tdl~:~~=.by £!'t'IlI~lilln"" or~~vtti4~ ..ltobblfs,Wh~It,CIIe)'.,'cp~.~e,Tb~~~~iL~-"'jI,:,IttI~~;,;.',.

',~:~:I=:II~-:fu~'1;.e!1l"Of''''.). ...L

.~aJ"ppO~"!WO~~.te\jlii1a!1~.I'Jii..~ ..' . ,"'W..~ectbUnhuddICd\ll.~riot.j\ieceU..., lalOr,talk- . ' '. J,

1nf~l!ll\i8'c~Wero'ea1e~@~bls IUOtherend fe.' ::"

=:::r:;~~~U;n:.~;~:=:~~ieW:: .1

an~ ar~1i tltan,W\ihltfWitbl\mrfti)m<,plifliolWithhii ,'I

,]II

CloI tIwClIiIlEp S_ ' 161

wife, he "1"8$reliviag the _ pauemofadaptadQ1l:I;bis wasa ii-play of a,cOmmonChiftIhOocI"""ne. .' .'

,Children wl!o-adapt by withdrewiaa may do soeillouolll11yJ'I1bertbIIIphylicllly.In, a ~...,hcbildren ~/III1eoUt~~often act as if they ~'I he8r. Thus1hey avom eXlel'Dlide",~

'

'

When~tunedOll... theyone. ataletheir.- _Idof fQI8Iy ,

.wJU<:hpt'oItICIIthem ftoII\ CODj1jc:I..d thepnssible hUn I8d. in.VoIvemenl,~ 8O~th it. ' ' . . , ;

"'

. fllI1tasiet;9f the AdlptedChi!4 freqllClldyret'lecle8dytraiDUlg,', Ornt"'~' ~lDUI!81)oycaU8f\1iIICalingatOOpe bYhit ittoIhet '

",ay 1JD/I8I11C

.

. be.

' mg.nl.way 1O...

.jllil bee1i bee1i

..

he"'SIIdI'a'~~.

Mboy. A yaung &it' ic8redb): ~ ~er''' uaex~y j"",plligOutofaclosel with aloud yell mayf'an18ly that lllerecould be..IQ8Itill eve~ closet. A <OIIIIiIO*fiuI\aIYofpeople~_aJW.:clren lObe _bufnol heaJ'll"is ofbeiit~inasit\latiOAWbeIe ,

'Ihey ,,"eel 10 .~~ oryenbuleart't . ~1\Dd... .The IIIUSmedia,.. wc11"pria...cxpectatiQ may'lIiIl!!- '.

,ence a ChilclIb 11" ", re~.1'hisdislOtIion may..e the ~ oftOpyin~ or f":""'"i" in .hi<bfhe c:fWdis .,.,

. .. . .Tl!esw..g.rin$ ~whoy ",100<;&11"0otliersto_er whelt,1!<,

enten,the,_.'.

" ,"." '

rlie superpersol1,wlio..x.tai VISionfoils~eiollbory'!"the, city treasury. ..' . :, . ' ';"Tl!e help'''' ~maiiwbu isreselleel flom her clinsY)aulWryby a handSome.111...with the "",I pWcluct.

.

'~~_~, ., ~

Ii'

Who.

.gains ,friends by dszzli'18 ...hile te$I d a,v ,;lad :fIgUre. '.,

. . ~.'

Procrastination' isanotbtr commonpauem. of the, I\.da)?1edCliillLBecaUSetbe Nal"bJ(:hild wantsio .fetld and ..y; "t ,

"wOII'I," aodthe Ada~dClriti!cIoIJsiI'Idste.I~1.illle Pn>AloiIur ' '.<!ec\de$lOstall.Byota\ling.a clti'dpa!'!1y~~the au~

"'"'.llbe sal\1etime-satisfiesIllimlJ\r wISh ",1.B..uiII".

', proerastination betpmes an adaptive pattern., .'.. .

,A'boyheariog bis molliefcall, "Freddy. il:s lime 10co",e in fordirtDer,"dlay responcloii:ely, "JUSta min~lei mother,"By '.un,teclipjqut hel\eit!llir openly clel1csbet nor;jumps 10..her com:mand..'" gii'!_in~cI to sel.the table may tODnlerwith, "MI assoon lISthe pt'!>gFIImIs over, Mom." often. the ptoct&stin.tkm/.., , .' , ," . "', ".

"~.', 'ORNtoWIN ',"

ccmllnueswith'~ust OIIlt'IIOftJlJ08l'lm"or ""Beloit ilt thl'next:commercial." ~i,ldren I~I'II to piOcrastmatl for many re8lO1II:

> ,',..

t .......

".

". . . r

'i'¥yhea~ tI1\i!'iIllY'~rft~Q\!nI~tldj,,' ','-1" ",' ",'~'/~' ~- ,',1 ":<-, ','\

",~, t,',:: ""': ;",'

',;' ,',':'

,

",', 'i'

",, _

'

I" :'.:JNI}t(II!1.h'!lejr,4h~ ~~,!I!t);:B,p\ ~',',\O ~'!

Sllpeti<;tpetrotmiineecrtlt,blm~"ir~ liftd SIbIinJli:jelJo~s. ',.."..,...<. ..'i'<,'

"~~,\I,t...~II-.I:bl)\ 4P\a¥b&, tb,tY~Nt"o~'~1ie JoOO

If they S\an1Oft,eDb1ltJk;SOIiI~. ~ wilt dO il.' , i.'

',' ',.'. ',. '., ,"

". i'.prQctQtil'alion c.belX'll\lln iDtelQi ,pa~'pr Ib; ~ycmilo&i''.eiI~ripl~."ayQ/' actn!1 o~~tbeHfe d'riiml~'Th."IICIiI\'i. ..en'ln I

:':?r;.~:;::;;~~~~=~J~'::..;:r~J~~~ i'iftpo1M. "JliSttltl'irloRtllijiutei:and,l'It8etllpi~Mlllt~~.tillors J1aBtat ilea<llbtet'.aljdoll~ IItk fII,,a 1i1lle'1IiOre!fQlj'

Tbe'~l1ern c,tpi'OCfllltil\iiliOIlit JOmllimel mule6 i'" i:oun..ttllllJletbniqulin wh.~tb.iJI\'IO'l\it iitked.to~ ller ~is

#~~~~~~~~.~~i~:~I~~~~_Clte.proerl.tin6ljoJt~re' .'

,',

"

.

.

- ' .,$14,,t","'l\IJan!to,.oul~hi\I'a1w!i¥";itI"'~,, Shl l1'.6,11I6t"8 trilil,'but shl flnBllydleli. , "

,

In railoutoftlrpl. ,

.

'.'.'HI IIIYet gqt ttlttltt .

'

On'e !I1~'s'pit~ph tQok i poelig, (0tI#:

"> 'j. ".W u. a'poisot\ni1\l1""lIk,)

,.,"

'.."':~"*'udth.:_:I\IIII'~IIIt:i:'.", ,',...' .'/, ,;

",.",'"~;,iI'itd.aft.1ilf\(ie!l.1IIi1\l';cIa)'thal.1Iedll«,

'..IIInps~I.!,",,"r ~'U~'II.: .,.., " ,'" . .',',

".JtiC,~m~,W~~~r iJ~~t,~'.$atI.i~.~~fOrQ'a;wlll~6~,~dp~gpi~Oil.!l1i\ !>IIand dOl!rI 9pj1nin, ontpnl;llhinll>rOlltO I

!~l'lIkwau.. "'I8btbaY.~~b"ilt ,bya'Yl'I1tJ,Uwho baI,~ld th;atI:.~?W

iit .h~ pr~lIItillalad Q!lI1Iii.hiJl8t,hlhous...". ,.ouId notI

. , . .

CAI"",.." N 1MCldlil£p sw. . . 163

The iItn.r Adapted Child isv.ry 01\... th4Itroubled part qfth.perfOoaIity.This ispartic1d'lrlYuue~hCII" c~ bo~ to win, de-.

. v~ps tbe self.imageQf a -., &$lIOt.O~.~bqiII$,to act not-. .OK; Wltctt a gnIWI1d1AAIW:IeI~ Iiii 4eliratheith!"1tAt« f&nij\y. eoaI\ic:t,w!a\l!1.. iwonaaII-ya "Y"',dear,"foall\'IqIiCSU~

.t/II>Uab~ reie»lIdtem.~.hea a~ t'efiIJ~ Q4;,. eaa't!/1illt Indepeitdcatly,Iti8Iiie1t\lt~'dIoIA4apie4qU/diailt ". 'eomroI0rthepetS04'I~..t_ ~L WIatm./JIII.1s

th.S :.i1e_ !"I.v&O-!;t~...~~ quw),~e..'

~ ;vib.. .J<nbW,~.u;."~\uiay. .', tedtidive.." wiIdi,pure1aint,..., Ct~"

moul\lVicllm.' . .,. . '.'. '

/-'"..

I,',.,,:..

."

;~,

cMci ~f;IoB) ,".'"

:....

-'0" ,:1' :," .."

", ..

.. ,'r' ,;:"':.

..',:..

..,:,'

".. : ,~,:.,;' ,,'

"

..

I 'AithOUp. forty. H8N14 cimtia.8Y ~~ abOUqlU.eta-.I.

tiOllShIjiwith his ,I1Iother. lktWoel'l 'Viiits.1(,her /1Om' he .-:.'

.

...

)

. . .w4u1d~i",ItJt"-el.db/llltr,\!>tellhert1tatbeMdltJtwite. .had aSteilllthat Ih.u.cbiklrennd 1'Oligerbad to attead~mt.,.S~I, HoWever,~ett Haro14actually (..",II tlis mother. hecould. dot tell. htr 'Of this decH!oJl'Inste/id. he rabricat~

II,, .

'.

""

.

. 166 i.'.4OII:N TO W.lN ... ,

sfO~" aI10uIllie childrea that ~d her.~tbrtbe chil.d~lI. they were in 'sR.al .con/1ict. abc1\1lwhaldiey were sup-

, ~ \0sayan",C!oinfrontof~!bnetb",.. .. .,. . .'

""'--.,', ,:,,~, ",.,"." '::'!'<',:»:-~"'I-':':""':_-<:': :.,'

~rnld's Mt>therjoa.tltemOilI~~m.tiia ~and~nlin.uec/.todi~il.AI""'~"~($~1I"~'" be-.

'n.eetl 'Wanting "'c:omply wi\!1het wis1\e$ II ~. "',..hel .

. ~ tliem--lter"Pl'j)vaI \!Ias."",.ys.t!>lIpt.~rin,*.t!Itd.~jell~.reteiVWb!~~~J!lill~.~.fII'"""a1iIY'",,,~C "

:~ '

.',..... '

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'. . .'Ch~fIfMIG1tdt_Cltild£pS'Gf~

WithdrawingJiomMhe! peopl..

t~'ha!d~F JI!id h~.t

W~jnt~\II"~$~d~M~ingi\eJllaa:.s.fpl$lO&~' '

Co~jng sire. "YiIciiiI.~!ful

167 'I ,,

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s~ peopl. oo'lilntOl'1y4Cs\IC.th.saui~foo&;-~Ii' ~~.\.cu$tU(l.<I! c\lickeR.~tllat"",adaptt4to .'Nb~ .~..'~. ..siQkq c\IjIII!~Thelr,Litt1e'''~~ma)'~<?f~",.r~,~RI~~~. andtl\t:ymay.atthem,.v.n tilO"ghtheltNIi~. .

.CjliIoI.mayw.ntoI\lYwe qeaman\ijanl>[91,""" '\'(.,.

When peoplem: tiled,th.lr NaturalCl1ild may w'&I\IiO~~;,\ doaothl"g. !boil.r A,<lapt~Chlldm'y;.not dare giv~}n to,~"$IO\'

. ..f~.\inv.-~~1Y ifgCXIdRessis equated w~h k'~iR'8'1!~.~>,," , sttll.tl1...nnelQC>'n1liot tlte Litll. PI<lf.~t,mayr'8u!CO'Ut!l'1-"''!

g.l'\»: WI~I\ a. ~l!Iltap"'

.'. '.. . .. ,.,.,...,.....

.' . ~.np.Ople 'arew~,'theiP Natulal CI1i1d~f~,1'!.~'{. 'somethitigtg$~OIl: a~etl.,a,piec<iofg\!mwc.mdy;i('lltinL.TheirA~aptedChifd\1l,aypro~stlpate and nO!facetht~~'01,inay.expc~o~en Ii>s6lyeit. If theil,Lit~~'P(gf.SSI1t~'~"

. 'the,ac:1,lbeill<Dvid\1alsm~ycOllieup.witb., c!Cativet(lltjti~!lIr.'mayca\lon ~fortt) .rmagic'IQ 't!akth. P(gbl~~'~

iN>""!,beneeopk,are badly. hUrl. th.II"l'4a~al C"iJd~~~ . ."......

screaltl,.~y;and demand ~kre, TI1~'"Adapted 9i1d:~ \VI").dr.w.)nS1l~itl a8ony, .sp~...nr if ~le.m.d 111chi\d!t9MlIt1!t)erying brought splI!'\king,:r~1t 1,I1tieProfessor m.yr,ute~:thatlookin~ p3lhetic.results in tI~S ~ing m.t or I&t.ltii(iItJ~, ,

. injurpvoid$ th~ trjp IQthe doclor' Ji.yery persOnlias hi1l?t~..owftlndMdual..~ M.ny 1I11uat,ORS,SUcb~,. p"~y.alit$l,-,..a day 911;a.vacatiOlI,"sudden' \Vindnil~...r6motlQh.flr.~r.

:.tir#.~v8;IC'i!li:.'(;IIi\d~II!'&t"t~ !..?". '.' 0':' '.'.

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ex..

all\pl~. al."'.

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ya pe.

rso.

II'.SAd.

aPled.

,e.

,bud-tn

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fllol.

..

.

. iii..

:.fir ut\li\\ed,an4 m.r~i!l4l1~or s/t.ih.dn'come.. T~lIipi:.~I. ......

'r<lf...btdiscovmth.lalwltO! knQcltso!Jttli. Itthl~8~t,f.,and tile "er5QnbeComes Itss s\ly,Continueddtinltin8 alSQI<qiJCks",

OtI!the Adull, l~¥it\glhe .,.rsonahlle ft1~iB'Qf die Ul\guitt'ileQ.". Child-Having 1000i"n~rcontrol,th.penciitmay e~~p«,>' .

diCtable bebaviorf\Imi."Yl'art of th.. Chi14 .go Slate anlhna)'tigbt; ,sw.ar,' sin~ dancic, insult I,," hostes$, 'or bec:oDU: "m0T<>\is.

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f!"S!);.\ad_typt> fo~e~_ssing

1'!cein {<qat of.lhe'-'

,1cOuldjUSl&pit~ yo",,(..,..,, . "

'

, ,. , ,

, AlthOughcenaiiuillnUons ull l m,8cIion.ieadto_ctiv_klhe,

ChiI4;lh'e Child d~Ii'I"'ve lo,be CXptes$ed.,MUY people funo.'. ,. .' . ,', ','.,

CII_ ,,.. Clll/dEp SIltU 169

lion WtJI from their Adult ego state In spite of the internal replayof their Child ntemory tapes.

,~., '"

,,"/ . .

~veryo!.e ~... IniernaI tittle boy or liuleg!rl. when you 116Wact'

and feel as you did in ~ ~,~ in yoilrCiu1d e$"~tale'l, The Natur&I<::hiIdfee1s~and ~ wb&the or sh~ .w_t'1110.Wt.en)'O!l.re ~. ex~ afTectioaate,p1&yful;~1\iSh..,

.

or."'"

stan.

dingupr..or you

.

ill' owurightS,.

you a!".'very .Iik~l

.y.ex.;

..

~ng your Na\Wll1<::hiId.' '.

,.,., ..

. ,'.' .',

The .J.ittle ProfC$lOr is thumart tittleJdd Qlcach PersoJl. W\ieIIY'1Uare feetinSlntuilive, exp.riencitlga DlODICQt'1f plus,~at. ,

in!,f'" the fononl, Or .nanjP ti!IgsOmeoneelse to gelwllatyou',. want,yourJ.ittle.Jlrofessor is involved,.

. . '',; '...

I"The ~ted Child is the traIned c/rildJ"ho deve. sodaI

.

a.wareness ~U\ rometimcs feels verynot.O~. When >'0" "'"bO!!,

. l1OIIrteQ1js,coJl\pUan.t,avoidU\A coiJ(ron\lllion, pro'a'astin,~or'feeling not.OK, YOll""'\iltt:fy \0 be ~xpre.s.ng ybutAdaptOd

'ChiId. .".

,.'

.. the Child egostatebOcom"; ai:tiveifsomeonCelse«>ln~~';

tikeapateJU:ltmayalsobeacti"ateddurillgtimcsofC\o!~~,"such as.when DUetinic:l<, or whc:re 11Im is fun lobe had, roc\\8$aI

'apatty~ ,

'",~"

",'" .'.,'",,<

'"'*Child Is thet fqllndatiOjlof a PCtrsou~sSCtlf4mage,Your(eeJ,.

"lags of""i\lll.a..winnu or aJQSCtt"'"

\ilteiy to stem fromyoW'CIli1detg'1sta(e. ," '

, .

>,

. EXP1i!Jf.1JIIE'Im! AND IOO!:IWISBS,'.

,.. .,

.

hoplethave dilTCttCtDtkvdsq(tetall1.oo.>t theirdilldhood.So\net"tCcalI a great dea\, a fCtWfmd It dlmC1iltto remember anytltint If. .'

.,

Y'1IIdesire to stimlllateRC:a!l.to .wxpCnet_ <:\IiIdhpodfeetlings;,.,;andt~ ~"'er data~bO\It your Child ego$\a!6. s,ettasjde limetfor>';."'etfQllowmgCtJt~Dleota and~x~ S'1IIIe~glv~ y",:,'cmf'" ' ,)liona\, as well as mtellCtClual;jilsight.. ~" ..' I

,_£\I1QlionaI Insight 00_ with lJnexpaDSioJI of awlitOlI~.Iti$ Ithatltloment of SCtlf-discoverywhCtDthetperson~Iys."ahah.':' Petls . IdCtSeribes'the ahah .cxp"rieneteas ,~ei1ever sometthing clicks.

'Ij'falls Into Pl~;. each li!1leagestalt clOSets,there Is .this'Ahald'II

.

.,4

17~'..BQRN'TQ,.WJN.. .

cljck; t~ ~bock of recqghiiiQn'1IOj.rrileUigCnlinsighl<»mO'Witli...

\IIeig~th.ril18of ?~t~; I.ti~.a Ihinkiil§.pr~SS;Q~n anB!Y/!caI.inwh.chlh. person often concludcs; Strrhar~the wapn.!" .

. ' 1. Y0111"CbUdbood ~ .

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CI9'C)'Oui eyes. 'Iina8iJlOyqpnellllaCk fn' the ~h9me)'Ou.

_ remember.LeItheplct\!fel boa.'1, illcib. what)"hIthini: gIrt~ ".,.~. lust W/1"~. ...IIt .

\.""""-,, ':,' ','0-" ,","._,"'''', ":,-:.,/t'.,.:'"',,,,,- ':',".:. ",: ,;'.i' -,."f,_',

· What do.y<>IIaCl\lally see?' Poopl.? F'w:IUtwe? btIscr, oijeCIt?

.'. ~QOk'aioltnl!l~e' ~fo~ d.~-C<!l~rs, _bapo, ~., tion~; doors, lIdows. etc::

''

,", .'. ,

eN.XI,lry 10 rc;..xp.ri..nca your OiF"lieDSes in, reladQl1lQ,thJs' ":bom.. .' , '.'

"'.'

., .

.. What do you heat'! SlIIcIl?Tuto? T~,",h7 . ".

.~Qtjce~lIIoiiC!l1s aa Y9:U~.xPeri~tbCPast:,

. Now l1.oom. aware of Ih~ peopk who arethete in you,:dil!d.h\104 bo,me. . ' "

':""o.

'.Look IIItheir, f_. ge.slur<\~posture.. c1\Jtbes,.'

; .. '. ,,","'..' 'i'" ,-'"

, ..'..How lirethey.iii acting?How M,they iRIer.Clwilltr~u?,'

,What kind of dnlmais ping on? 'ACo';"'dy? F.arce?~.dy'!,S.ga?Wltal? ," ... ,"':

. What rolea ,are biing' played? Wlto ~e lhe Vit1ims, RftC1IC\'I;fersecutors? What are your rol.. In Ihe drama?:

I.tmay ~k"'YC)Umo!", than ,~n. visit to rcciOve~ the mCl1\orie'- of'your childhood h~., You h!ay.alao bave mo,.., tIian ORehome.

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I, o.t 1a TOuchWitla¥0\1&t'~'.

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O~ OO!!Your family albilDlor ally}iCtllre of yo;' as a',driIIi'c, SI»d)'I\!' picture. slowly. Let'YGut iiIem\Ji!cs._erp~',

, ~".- ',"\':, .co"..

.... ,. ',

" .. -: .. "," ' .: .. ..,..".. .." .

. Werr, these happy dmes? Sad dnies?serious limcs?.i".

.. ,_," '_,",' ,- .r""

.

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i'.

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, . . CltiItlltoOd"""'1M C/JIIdE,. ~I.'

.

171

'. .What'was.going on in your \it~then? '.Compare yourself asan~lnt, a tDddJef.a ~I ~bi\d.

. Wllatdoyou_ inth pictum thaiyou_.in yo..,.1fnow? ' .'

'.' '. ".,' ... '. , .

~DCI""'see an~ inthcpict.jm I tyou wouldlit~ib.~bI~"""',/ '.'

.'.

,~;.~ve~~~~~~:.~~=:~.,'1ioocI.hawlt.Qet&!1q~1ed. .'. '".;.i.isttnlO lIIohurts,'.ppinessiS, ancilonp"S*ofyour ~.. C,fuld.' :.'.. '.

. ..' , . .' ..' ',"

. · W I doonbis' d1ildboliove ~boul itself? .'.

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,':"""""'.!..'.::,.:.::.,', ~',;''-/

· Slick 'f(itb IbiSunlil you loam "'lIIo1bhigbi'and noWa\1olll. ','.

'.r .",unalf ... achiW. .', , ",

,

8,"'" CW'" ioU,Nowd '.

.

:"!..

.','.' "",'

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'try ti>disc:ov~wh_~tIy.lOCIiv"" yourIIogin.~ .boa>lIri1IJaware of how Y'!Uaet; .

~Wl1or, lindof stross,sick;,Hred. 'disappoblted.

.Wbm 110III. ~'coD1e.on"aronl;~ioyou.',.,

.'

..~

.". '. When tbeChiid in anot\.oi porsoli.p""vok~orChild in you, .',

"

.

.~~ y~1Igum a,J'O!'tY: ..' ," .\- ",".'.". -'

.. . Whouy.0UWlnt so\n"thitig ftom si!1II"pno~,.'

,1\4""1,i!Xt~disOoVcr ifY~u ...~0~'p~~1'11 of~~mflli~'!;;":IId.UuoppJOO~ly.

.' ", '.',

.'. ,',

.i>o you do or..y ihillg. tliat .011Cilt'roW1\sl)io'ridicuif;~~' .'.()thersJ '.

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.1)0 Y"'Jdo oisay thill8f tturli.,peopl" otror omba4ass. "

. Ib"III', .", /'

,,', .', . ...' ~ .

.Aroi\lOrc~Ii.~,tbityou h~bitual1Y':C"pQi1dlOl'i:o\i1,your Child egu~~:tr~.w"y? WhenyoutranSjlCt...ith

'<.

,...,

\

,.

j ,

172 BORN TO WIN, them; how do you feel and how do yoOOOl?What responsihil;

ity do,you take forljle, nMure of the tran$aCtion?' ,

. ,

If yqu d!scover inappropriate Child beh.vior pattern$, expl!,rea\larnallye ways )'I>ucould aCt.

"

,

;'4. Fantasy A""""n_'

",

.I' . ..

." !\ieXl time you ''1~ne out" fromwhat'sgoingon around you. be'co,meaware,(jfwh"t's, going on inside'yot!.

''

.. Are you.~ia fantasy trip to a special plaW'{. '

.. Talking to a special per$On?De~ating? SeduCing?Pleading1

,Fighting?

,. '

.. R~hearsing for a IjJtur" event?, ..Playing a ~uperm~nor Superwomanrole or oljlerwiS!'engag-. ing in wishful thinking? .

'... C~ you identify whicf{partofyo~r Child ego~ta~ ia f~t... .

S}'lng? ,~, -', , ,

.'.Wha/happensto your ab\lity to hoar othetS wbell you are fan..

tasying? "., ,.". -..,

\

lI.t_ Chll<lhoodMaptat1ona. ,

\. . .

Think hack to themethoil"':'verbal and ti"nverbal~thatw"reused to tmin you. Try to compare what you WQ1lledto do (i:o..

.climb on Daddy's tap. stay up,lat<;. play oulSide ,with tile kids)'1'i1hwhat you had to <1<1(i:e,. act~toic. go'lObed early; do yourchoreS before playing). ,'. . . , ,

- .. Wl\at .wol'ds,loob,elc., were used to keeJjyou in,lino? ...What wordS, looks,~to..wereusCdto (lnco\itap, you7. { ,

".', .' ".Whallimitalioit. Wera sal on y~"r aciMties?' .

: . ';"['"

"

., " .Were~ rationalandhecess.."Orwerethey.u.ma~ly

. inhibiting? ,,"", ".

'.

,!:"owselecta specific iilcidenl!m" in your imagination re-expe-'rience it.' ." .

, ChlldhQod "lid :~e CAlM £IQ, Stall

. See again wh~ was.there. .

. Hear whal was said.

., Fee!again.wh@1 you fe!llhen.

Now ask YOllrse!f:. . When do you fee!.this way n01N'l

.. Do you IICIloward5Qtne9nee\8e nf!ll'III~ur;part"" allied '1,

to1Nardyou Ihen?' .-, .'; . !. . .

173

~h,al were your "allernsof il.daptalionlo'Pmntal dimands?.Did you comply? When? . '.

. Did you ~ithdra1N'l When?i', .', I', '

~.

. Did you procrastiljale? When and j.ol>t .'.. .Was one ofthese beliavior pa,tterns mote predOlitinanUIwI.

the,-oth'en'! :'" ..

,,"'". . ,'. J{owdo you:..ethes..patterns operating in your life. drama

now? r ",,

. ,

'Hllw app~prial" are. yo!,r~hildhood a:daptatiOl)$ ~',your GtenoW'? WhIch adaplallons dul you learn ilial remaIn:

..,

-,' , '.." ~ .

~ J{cIRful to ~o\l?. .'

.-', " .. Conf~sing \0 you?..Inhi)liling of your poienlia!?

.De.iructi-:' of you cr of others?,

'"

~"

,

' "

', ~,

,""

I. If you have .discoveredadaptive patlerns .thal nOWbinder ~II.Ihink of oppo$lre .\!ahavior.

.'.

'. ,'..,

· If you u.uallY cc!lItply wilhpeop,.'.demancll. ~halWOIII41!he like if you re!\load? '.,

"

",.

~'"

i

"',,_',

'",","',". fryou freq\le~tiy wllhdraw froml)then, whal wotdd il I1o.Wie

'if yOUgol involved viith',them? '. ,.IfproCl1Utinalion i. YOUrsly!e, what would il be likclfyO\lslopped .talling and made 5Qmenlpld _iOlll?. .

I

114 BORNTO WIN

When you thought about opposite behavior, was an old Parentmemory ta.pe activated inside your head? ,

,

"

.!fsa, p"'y t"~ word&,back again, Then say the words outloud

, .Whalmeml'ry lapes 'ill your Child.do the word& activate?

',Sil ina chair.lmasine,y6w P""OQlsiuui!opp.Jsi~you. Usedt,e.w,ords you beard 10 ~ your dialogue. ,

. NeJd,~yOl!f "'-'I}'ou'ro goin~ to experil)lenl with difTer.ent bebavior,bljl that you arellot goillglo do ything de-s~~ either I..,yourself 0',"1 anyollCCIse~ 0

Your AdaptCd Child frequcmlly !likes liD I!I!der-do! position.'your Parenl ego'sta.te frequentlY lakes the top-dog position,,The.. may, repre lpI.)les in your l\Ctsl>Dalitr- };Doven!".manditig Parelll may .be Olle pole; the' balky, compli8l!I, or.withdraWli Child the <lther. .. ,

,"'

,,,'C8I!y.;u lIdmillo 8I!1 Iop-dogiuul/or-ullder;dog positi~'

I wi\hin }ioI\rself!. 0

",,

.'

.. Can you relate th~ ,10your Parenl d Child egl.)~?,

\. . ",

AI\erYou have cJUjlied -polarities within yourself, Jety<!ur IW4J0

.liSlSreprcsent 1h~ poiar\ties; Qe<;i.dewlUd>natyli!l ~I.YOur

"',

P"doS

"

posiUoo,,' ,

.,0

which will.represent your 'under-\!08- .Let yoUr tWolisb.,laIt 10each other. . o'. ,I>oesCIllowill over theothct'lls \his th~ beSt ..ayf()r~."'end?.

, If IICJI,a\1aJllpt a...mpromise or ieoo}scii;a:tioll 0.1II<e~"

ru:an ''s1al!d against lbe oppOsition. .' . , . .

, ,

,

'This..,eotis rei<,;person"'110,1,,,(& ~~~,mo!lllSnther ..lIr-'i... di~ d~~

'It<Iri,fJI!IIIC..-yto..tItiI!g.'*~"""''!¥';' '.IftIDs"'ppcAediOy&.,uk~:

.".',

".',~H-._ti)e pi'n~~ WmyouaII01V~'to 1a!k Iibout it? ',.'.

"

. .o. Vi.hal yow- q tiollJ; H"';' .i.e... d.

,ordeall willi?. ;,

'."

, ... . '. ., .

. .. .

-,

IClllfJlroodani Ih, Cltlld Ego Sf.,

"

l1S,

. Did you biamnomCj'nefor Ihe absence of \he patinl? '

. If Ihe parenl came back from lime 10time, were you happy'!. Confused? Resenlful? Whal? . '

.'.

~Did Ihings ~hanae when Ihe parenl returned? .. ... ',' . ..

Nowuse Ihe ohairlechnique. Tell \he parent hOWyou relt~ulbeina left. Allow \he pjlrenllO talk ,back 10you. 'Express your

.

feelings. .Wh~I\.iI,feefui&hl, try foraivin& your parent.

Tltls ..periment is rota person wllo as a child tOSIapareJlI bydea\h.Do it when yo" feelstr6nJ. a~,"(!oWtl." LeIYoiIQalfre.. (e"'p~ence 'as mIlCh as y~u cin toIerale.' You may want 10 doIhis al intervals' and in small doses. ' : .In your,-imagination 80 back to \he day YOt,,~p&rel\t ,c\ieli. '

. Who .old you? Whal did you do? ,.How did you fe~l? Sad? Mad?De~rted1 . >-

.Whal,did ",ther \)eOpieCioin,d say? '.,

"

"

N6w,imagiJle t~ p~nl \.rlhec!l~ opPo.ite You.Tell him 'or '

her,what'happened 10 )'I1Ual thai lime aJldhow,you,fel:t a~t. it. ljapress yo~ faeli1\8l. .

" '.

.

\

"

",', -,'

,'. '. .:"

". After you f.eel you'veexp~ssed everymmg.you neea,1O

(wbic!ll\lay ~"~IMsaiODI),aaY"Ooodbye.~;,'

.

7. Your Ltttl'; Prore8.0r

How accurate, is )'our intuilion~yo1lr ability to tUlle ill 1OI\6n'',verbal messagesOrplay your huilcbes? . .','

r" .' '.

_',

"'

'. ,'.

,I

.Select several people! in ,different aiitlal\CillSwtIo, WOUld ~.

rdllil'lglO give you hOnestf.eed,backOll~lrtl!oul\lltl!l4f.eeUngs.Thoy'~y be alyour d'DI\OtJable;m yourel,t fI9OI~on ypuro.~e'$laff,ete, liI~1Ide..JIeoII!e._djfhit

.

'"',bffire!tt 1ftse.. ~; tlll'e, e\Q., ,"

.. . -. .

. As~)'01ItIOlf,''W~tis that penoIIfeeling about 1110ortlle~, ilalion? Thinltint a, hout me,(thuituatlon)'l'" : : ' ,

I'

. ..'lm\Oedi~ly clu;ck With the ntJIer person 10...if...hat~ou

intuit is .I:c>rrect/. . .'. I'., .

'. .

.

,

'., '

176 IIOIlN TO WIN

.,

HOWacCIIratc is your intUition? M jou correct !!lost on~eti!!le? Sotne of the tiine? Se14ont?' ,

". .. I

.0., you "re8d" SO!IIekiu~ of people ell$iertllau others?

Rmew yourcreativeuess."

'

o~~~~p~~fi:,>;o~~O:~J~:o~=~, ~. reIatioDSbips?' .,. 'oeanyouu

,

,trace your <reativeness,

.

' or,

lfekofareativeuesstoal>.y~eveulor~? ," ,,',

~DoJOUbave !!Ie~tapes thai giveyou~gintft.r en-courll8ing messages in refercaC>eto your creativity?

oIly.;.. find you Iack.~ve ex.pressiVenesS,1t)'doing some:lhing a new way this week.

'"

"'

,Recall your lDaniJlulaliveskills. ,

'

0

'

Wbal~.l'!,

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,

dolo get W!IA,

I

,

you

'

""anled? ACt si~? <>bCy'1_ Turnye dwm?SuIk? Throw ataptrum?Wbat?, ,

-WhQm did you I!lanipula~ essi/y? I,"",

"

,

~ Was there 'lIDyoneYOIi rell unable 10 SW,ay?. - .'

'o Now think of ihe people you !U'IIcurrently inVolvedwith.,

How do, you think you manipUlate !hem? Irpossible. askthem wb,al you do., ,

Do you mnember wbat secmed IlU\gicallO you as~ C/1it'd?

o Seeing sometIiing appear or disap~,'

oPeeling likc a giant or like' adwarfiw:roultdCd by giants?

o Believing someone or,SD.II!~g wo,¥ ~yoil? ,

oW~~orcarrylngalllCkydwm?, ,-'

HowdQeS ~ WryC1YCS',mto)'<lUr,adulIIi~. ,," ,',

'": '..( ..c .

''0 Are you sti1lwautinglO be ~,.po yo!istilI mmetimes reetlikc a:dw.n- or a IID!bing?

o DoyoUa>unl Q8 thc"maSic" of your smile; Yr "'tOuch? TheWay you speak? YOur gestUr8J?, , '",. .' 1

"

Cltildltood "¥while 'CIriM Ep SIBle . 1,77

Do some people.aroundyou nOW seem 10 have a masical quali-ty? .

"

. ISlhere anyone in your liCe wbo seems like a witch? An ogre?. A fairy godmothet?A wizard?.. ,o Do they.have any' similarities 10 p,ople myour pasli

o ArC they 'c:llaracter$ ,in yoursc:ript'l

.'-

.S.You.. . N~ ChUd. ,You max be ODeof IhoIIOmalty people who have losl some of,their childlike ~bilitylO sense die world in their own uliiquew4}i.This experimenl wiD ble you 10 ~ inlouch with yoursenses more fully. .

'

00010 aplace wbere you feel c:oinrotlable, preferahly outside..Poeus your eyes on an object ~ ifY\UI've nem seen il before.

,Become aware,orits size,shape,col9<,texlure, elC..Nowlei il

. fade a~ay and 8Ik>wthe bactgroundJO colne inlO focus. It...poal this with other objects. . .

,' '.

o Nexi. focus YOUTallenlion onii';"ning io SOmething;"'tside. oCyou. Whal sound~ are CODSlaDt'IWhal are iDlemtitlent? Be.aware of, the in\ODSityand pitch.

'

"

. .

o Next,foeu. on,

"';y_ Whel1Y,

aU.

diStend your'uostrib andinhale, what smells arc you aw:a:reoft, ' \, ,

'.Next. focu$on.the taSlein your mouth. Whalisitlike? Runyour lOngue ov~ your leeth. What do...youfeel? ..NeXl,focus on \be surf ofy.,urskin. Do you feel warm,cold, pIIln?shin YClurfocus 10diffel'enl parts of YO!lrbody,.moving frolit Ihe lop of your bead 10 your loes.

"

, ,

'.Repeanhe experimenl abe>..ey~{day (or a:/I!w minutes.Lels~ aw~essl!eeotitea habiL

" "

What did' you reaDy enjoy; doing in your early childhood?Choose somethillg that's all righl 10 do 1>01thai you l1aven'l.done for a long time. Try il agaib. . .

olfY9u1iked 10 lie on yOur back anA m~e pictures out oClhe.t "', ""., .

" ",\..

\

171 BORNTO WIN'

cloudl, ,taJie.some litlie to fiad aspot where you can lie onyour back again' and watch the clouds.' "

. If you liked to take. off your shoes and wAlk in the mud or run

through the wetland Or kick your way through the autumn, leara, why not ,do it again It the first opportunity!,

".~ettbel~n shine on younkin andwncentraceon thefeelings

it pves your body. .,,"

"

-. Find a u.e youean climb and $ii there a while, '. Fly ak!", 'Take a hike. Suck. popsicl...Like a child, have 'full. Enjoy yourself. 'YingefsdO.

,

.

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.'7

Pe1"SQnal and SeXUalIdentity

!

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We s#/lnot cealefwm ixplortlf4>n, ,And th,een4 of all /JNtt)Cpl!)ring

, Wilt be 10 arrive where we:S/(/Tted'And kriow Ike plm:e fot the fin/time,

T. S.'li,liot, ,.

.

"

."

.,"

',

Everyone eXpjOnencesn8lufJ! int,

pu~ "psychs<)ut" how 10,

111...";ogethe worfd, and adapts in ..roque _y., Every""'., n0lllatterhow old; how sophi$ticated. or how we'! educated, acts.t limes,f~ti> the ,Child ego Slate, The Child egpstat. contaillS a penoJi's'

, fits~$enseofid.ntity. life script, games played, life positiOt1$,and ,winning arid losing streak,!-all ofWbich are likely to be reinfolOedby,the'Pareritel!o~e, If the P..,.,nt is sayin., in~<mally,"Why /lidyou'have lObe bom?" the Child ego suite ;, m,,,,) to'hol4llieposi

tioP.'~rm'no good!'or "ldon't,dCservcto liVe.". -~ :

",

NAMES ANIHDENTITY", ,

p.;.,.in" i to 8 person's identity ,is his othet name. Evenlhoughthis name should I1QtchaDge one's characler ,it oftellCI)Ulrlbutes

,:beth~~;n;: :t\t~c~l;~vely

or positively.becaulOof,

Ona bitth cerliflCale.a boY'sname'could Riad J8"" WilliamStone. However. he~lght lie, caIIe,li: '

JilD (by IIl'rleitd) , , ,

JameS (by hi. fatl1tJ), Jimm)':(hy ,hismotl1er when pleased)

J Will,,",, Stone (by his mother when disple8$ed). '1'19 ' '

,

110 ,BORN TO WIN

"

,

Each of these variations on ihe boy~s name'rel1ects an emotionalfeeling of the person using them. Each, ~ves tlte boy a dil'ferelllmessage te>live up to. Each activates a different response in him,

Egber~ now ~ banker, relates, thaI at age sev.n h. d.cid.d to. chanse his name 19BuU:h,TIIis exercise of hi. Littl. P)'Of.ssor sue-ccssfiilly stopPed the other c:hildr.n frpm picking allIUm and calI-ing him liJsy. Anoth.r, man riJiQrted that he had to d.f.ndhimselfoo.niinually becalllClof his family 118meoff'rancis, Bertha,In at-trac:tive houac~e,chail~her 118in. to MAria.bec8use of tile im-ages of an elepbant that always came to 'mind wh.1\ sh1:h.ar!!lhe. , Jl8IIIe,,BeI'\IIa. 'ome, peopl. indicate tbeir ,diililie for the \dentityIherr firft,l!ame holds for th.m by choosing to u~ the,it ,middl.,n,ame or th.1r 'in(ti/IJs,

"

,

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Many children labeted Jllnior 'Or the "Uf' assume tIIat tII.yshould follow,in Ih.idath.r's footsteps. Th. sam, can occur withdesianations sllch as "DIS" Bill and "Littl." Bill for a fath.r and

. son. In .ith.r case there is a ri;k the son will f..1 be can n.verJl\ea-sUre

"I' to dad. COlISequendy, lie .!nds up feeling guilty or illa~-quat. or il! some way not-OK. 11\addition, he may fc.llike a.car-

~ copy ~ath.r dian an origi1\al, confusinll bis own identitY with,

his fathers. ,

"

,

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Many-childr.n ,ari given 'ym bolic I!a",..,fromliteratllre, ta",i-Iy genealogy, or history and are expected to,live up tothem.r"rexample,: dlildrCli with biblical names such as DaVId orSolOlll9n,

, Martha or Mary,may learn to idelltifywith, QrchOQSelO'apt, ajiliMt, tile impli.d expectation.. ,., Solomon may ","m. h. Is. wiscrtllaJllie ieany;s,'" Martlla ,may ' nt the implication that

her int.reus,li. in the kitch.n rath.r, thaI! "in things of th. spirit.".

C... IJ1uatratlol! . -,

-.

'-I. ...

.. ,- ," _,.".

Wh." the tw.lfth child was~rn to Philipa.n<l Sarap, Philip,'a minist.r. opcn4CIhis Dible at random for a scriptur. v.rse tohelp himseJec:t a proper Jl8me for his'lI.w SO<I,His, eyest;.U.

. 0"' the p..sage:"YOu shall caRbis name JOSII'.",Both parcnl$ ,

"'ere inspir.d by thia,and Sarah'comm.ntedthat ,the child!lad be~n born without pain. III,fear .thai ,their neiSllbo:3would .Ihiltk\bemllnduly proud, the parents adapted thename Jesu. to Jos.ph. He wu the family favorite andtreat.d",a special chil<!that would <10gt t thinB"

'1

181

Joe was thirty-three ""hen he and his wife enlered Iherapy.'S~ was threatening to leave him and colIlplained, "He eitherdemands 10 be "ealed like a king or goes arounq the'house"ling like a mal1)'r.:' Ono of Joo', favorite commonts ahoulhis jo!> 8$It probation officer wasthat he fell "nailed 10 thocr()Ss.". '

.,','.'

. .. . .

Fcireign-soundin$ names, II.;woU as symbolic name', ari often,hurclensome. In bQth World Wats malt)' families with Germannames were persecuted . j'r rejocled. T!lroug/lout. history " maliy

.

JeWish families bavo suffored Ihe same falo. It is <:ommonfor 1'8111'ilies with difficUlt fOreign n8mo' lo~orten or angliCize them as away offiltlng into A now cultural..ript. Howovor, indisOwnin$their identity based'on traditions they often ond 01'wilb a seuse of

. rootlessnessand...ith a goneraliol) split between tI\ose oftbC "old~OOlllttry and I/toseborri on new soil.

.'.'. .' .'SU_nlCS lisually. (one« tI\~ fami\yh~tageandgivo.~",o..

c1ues:-pleaSan.t or unpleasanl,:",!, tho.cultur~ sCfiplin8 of aper-son. SQmc people are so closely Idol\11Iledwiih thoU' {amily name

,thallbey usoka!mosl exclusively. .'; .

The imppr\allce ofa. family Damo diffors in various culturo..Jn .Japan, Cpr.exam!>lo.:. . . .

. .

Tho primacy "fibe f.mily ""d its,umvali..&i:h that if a """pte~'adequato means have only adau&hte~, they will often adQpt tho .mllt oIi.wishe,lQ mJrry

.

; He will then lake her f.mily's 11.""7 tfrn.. insuringit.SIIr

.~

~wa1. .This. ptactice,. calle~ "..,kolori, isaccepted.~ I!., tomt:l10,t1pt~~inJapan. In the event that a

P""I""'"''family h n onlydau&h~ whO.

marries a man. not free for" hi, own family ~880ns to chaDge: hisoame.1twilt sometimes adopt offICially' an adolt couple who' will then &$5urneitsnAll\c. This practic~ is often uS;e:d1Opreserve a~q continue'a-family t~e qr,.

busir Inboththeseprai:\lCes,wocan*. theini of theJapanese«",com.for the.fal11ily na\1io! (I)..

.., ,

'.' .','

T~adiliolullly; iI' b~.s j)een a. common Amorican practice fo'. _woman. wtlenmalT)'ing, to drop Ihe use. o!ber,uma\11ea"d lake

.On thaI of. her husband; .SI'\1nisb cuI/urc.,' in. contr..~; add. Ibe.moth.r's!lulicien liainolo surn/l!lle." ~snizing bOth Un.. Cl'fde,scent ib$~d or Ibe father's alone"[2t.

..

'AI~ .practice similar 10 thaI used bY 11\0SpnnI.h ""!!Soolnmollin Carly ~erl!ia,today'il i. infrequent, Consequenlty,manymarriedw~lJIj;n-often withoul \ lbeir awaren-..Iose thesouse of Ihe early identily assoCiateC\with their maiden name.. As,.. .

.' '. . ',' '.

132 BORN TO WIN

I

.one.woman reequnted, NOne day when home alone and bon;d, Itook out my <!OlIegephoto albums and turned the peges. I wasam

. .

azed at the dynamic yo.

ung WOman pictUred there~rece

.

ivingSchojarships, bethg poliucally active, debating on. the team. ThisWIM",., What happelle<!along the way?Did becoming Mn. Rob- .

",~rts ,make me ,a,difI"erenlperson?" _

. .A"psy~hic symbiotic union". is a phrase of Eric Fromm's whichdl'SCiibes twogrownups living off each other much like ail unbo",

. Child)ivesoff its p~antlJ\other (3). Symbiotic attachment,.$jIin"times sym bolized~y; use of 8S1!tDRme,.ean'lead 1O;\he neue.fQtjc pattero of incorporation/identification. Thisattachmentean<x:cur in marriage,. work rei8til>nshjps;even friendships. A$ An-thony Storr. puts it: .

Toincorporateanothet person'is tos\Vallow~hifn~p. td oveN,helm him.,'!"idt~dCstroy hiin; and thus:to:trearhim ultiQ1atcly ~Jess than a"whole:pe~SOII.1:o identify with !inotberperson is,to lose, oneself:, to submcfgtonc"s own ide1ltity m tbat of,tltc ~th~r. tQ be ~erw~lmc" and ,hen~, 10ITe.,""..elf ultinmtely...~ .thana wbolepet>OIl(4).' .

Altbough botll given names and sumanies affee! tile .sensCQf'identi\)' iulddestiny, nicknames, pet names, and be~ called

. names have even ;Pore inf!.uenceon some' people. Thl!iO""!"e'aiedescriptive .and may be idTectionate or demeaniljt. an~ Ihej,

'.o((ect either'ppitiveornegative. If nicknaJUes Sqipt ChUd{en \ln,re,alistkaUy o.l ul!fairly, the effect Is alway. negative, dfsconnti!li\he penal!. . .

.. .,

. . Some. nicknamesconj\lre upp~iciJ. images. ~atso~ Stri~8,bellll, Frecld~,V enUS, IUon<fie,Piano-legs, ShOrbe,. Fisll-face,and Dimples,all focus on appearanCe. ".' .

.

. Some nic(u!ames .imply behavioralcharaeteristics.. .Stupid,$weetit!-pie, Monster, Knuckle-head, The Ood,.Angel. Red.the~'Hothead, all give.a cltild'''permissiOl\'' 10 act ill specific .\tiays. .

C_~tiOD'. .' .'

""Klciter'~ was IheIlickQa~'of. four-yearCOld\x>y.it!"'..'Biventohim \>yhis father, "11>0bad had a.tronl! ft'ol!kick.s as~mmer on 8 colIegeteam and"""xQ\\dof'tlteslfe!IgdI inhj. infant son's legs. He coJltinUalIycommenl.d,"He.'s a.reaikicker." In nursery ~ool,Jhe boy frequently kjcked ,olher

'., Pm-u iIIVI5#_ Id..rily

,, 183

'

children to get what'" wantediIQjIeven attacked the teacher.When she med to ooiTect him he bragged, ~But I'm a real

kicker.t'taskmy cIa~." ," '

" In ',.'senselQcker was acting Ollt his niolu1ame,but in, anaggressive wsY; 'not relaU\d i<>.tile ,original, construclive, "&0"4"nieaning. tie was making life.misera~ for his f ,ily, fnendS;and schOOlmalOs..1t1counseling. his parents became aware of tilescrip.linlplicatllin. of his Dic:kname; They h&ll unintel.'rroQallygiven him "permilSion"", aCtagmaiyely \()JVarOothen. Heli~I$pteclhis sCript theme,to beeolM '~kicldng up a' f They C

,dropped the use of this nidrname and used only his given na~,Alan. and,they asked ,others to do tile same. The child's be.haviQi"

'soon began to im~e; and, he. eyenlually. gave up' being The.Kicker.

"", "

"S-omechildren; ate SUmlnone6or clwtlsedwith clerolatoryq;i-, thels. Thisnam~llUig; is a \'Icmus f<!nnotd~ling. ~~.ehlldrenl\l"ealin",t totaUyi~red oJ are caUe(~l'Iey y~: ..~'""Kid." S(jmechildrenenter kindergarten wi,thQUteven'~their name. ~cking a SODieof il!C!llity,such children f..I\II!~or like a !\Othmg. ,,', .."" ,.'

"',,<

"When a name gives a \Chili! JmIII'",-\ry, pain. !'"'hapatheo,fjI ,

jingle "Slicks andsto"~ean break my boaes,bu~namescanlle\rtl'. hur.t m~'is ltiS.thanlite Anawlian Pf!Wl'rI:ItJtat.,'~

hd'n of ~sti~~jaway, but vle>rdS,hllrt forever." , ,

,IDENTI'l'YTBBOUj)BJlLAY

A name is onty one ofthell1ally ways by wbleb a child clevlll~ps'.'

"seDie of self.idel\tity.l'\ay la a,no~r. I! is one o(the most natural.Play inlA>l~ physical or mental aclivity f9r the sake of diYel'Sjon,amusement, and 8:"OWth.Playisa wld'a way of"tryingout~ W:eaD4 ofdiK9veriltgherorhisw9rld.

'.",

','..',

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Ol)eil; a child'a:ibijity to laugh..,d 10play &0hand in hand, A',

personal~ 1)f~1itymayinchlcle sUChloelings~re.e"'e.'SQbeoroe"~playt\1bi~ ,or ...it.Fbr better or for worse, a$rownul''exprosse.SQftleChild'upects..'. ., ,.. A chill' can ,play 8<#iveiy,leStingstret!fth aadakills, a.;tmg ou.t.em<!liol\S,'~," tUl11re~~ Or, a .cbi1dcall bep~sive, an obServei.r~!het than'an ~elivef!'rlicipant-i,nlife. Mostactive play reqll~ thechilli'adirectbodlly'parlicipation, a .tes.-

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\86 . . BORN TO WIN.

ingof "'1I$<1estrength and a. sllarJ>eitU!gof wits, Tl)is may be un..s.ltuclured p!sy-an infant rol1iilg OJ'

the grass, a IQddlCrchasing am.

,

Oth. .

.a ehilcl~ci~ free.

Iy to

.'.

1I1USIC-O

.

..

.

.

.r it.

ma.

y bebighly SItU.

el-ured,with predete~d rI!1~tb. RquilupecillliZeaakjlls.andsome Ailufl program1\Ung. ." . '.'

If Ibe Na\11l'8lc;bikl enl!&~ iti ad!veplay, lAeroarelikely to begiggles, laughler, and sbQuts of joy. If the Ailapted qIi1d iJ'

- Pl&Ying.be~ting an!!ppOnenl~ay \Ie more Import~lthait havi!'!'"fUn',"'-.".

. ;

''-'.:' '".

~.~ l: ',_: . "- "", ,

'. Si>me~vepiaY iaa roliearlafforfutureroles.Pla)inghQusc,

"You be the mom.lIlY;111be t!lti'di!d4y, ancl she'll be Ihebaby,"isplay"actillg fUlute .sexU31roles.PlJymgwlit g&lDeswithg09c1 guysand 1?acJguysmaf beca£lirigoultoles seen on televisionor inmqyjes and~cticjng,ptrbAps, in line with f\lturo CXpe<1\atiCilS,

- Playing d9CIor, explorer. te~ber,ehemis~ carpenter, etc., i. often...thet

.

It\le.

P\'deasorin'~.

'on;T1p.

ring oulfu.

I~vocation.t.

.J><1SS1

.

...-. bilities.Ot,lt maybe !I\eAd'ilted CJUidcopyiug'~ts or roo .

heaAlmg for roles assigned by pat;entCXp"ClatiOIla. In!>no family a- bQy'who, was always v~ry activ.e in1»mpetitive.po\'Ii Is ftoW a .~.

coach. HIS brother, wllosc-favonlep",e was~cops and robbers,",

Is 00", a sherltt. Theirmtet; who...as always roady tog!> to their'rescue with- Bane/-Aids, i. now:a nurse.. '. ' -'. . .

'rhe pt!SSiv~ehiidliveovi£ariouSlythroiip other people/.expo-,riences, ofIenf...~ying ...IiaHt would be like to bea:~ctet~.

*e screenor a part of the team. AU'ebildre-.iCnjoy.~g specta"tors. However, -When mo.. of their froe ti!jieinvolves watobitlf,

. -'theAl, they dO.OOIdevelop their o,..n body tki11s,Coo,lle\'lltiVe...comJl"tiiivenes." or crestivity.. Their iiall1hll' ex~lICSil.slUnllOd;'and they. ada\51trioobsel'Vint lif'rather man livin,j1. .

. A$ Inadl'dt, ibis pe~n is likely 19m around the fringe$ofaO>-cialp~tl/lp. ...aldtingoihers9wim~ ds~, !sup. andhi\ve filii,p"r~apsrosen~ ~ who are thOat!ention.getters, 01'simplyfeeli~ i1elpless.al!'linadequate..

" .' " .,

. . k pasSive:<>bsetyet.'!'iYseletflollllte 011a job as an(l~~ .".o~, F!",exam~'s~ a p"lIIbn...y ~IC ~!I!>"t~I~"", of $CClc!yb~! j>etotalf,. umnvoh:ed, may ""'1m .boul~ events .

I!Utncvar,SWe "JIJ11)'. /II.y _te "boi!.t.~mance \>!1~ge(close II) anyol!6, .. .'. .

'.''.. '..' .' "

"Where a~ 1'1a)'edd1Iri~eItiI4fI(Iod oI\Cnbasasm\lt!tSlI'

niliClin"e'iucluillife U1tow .he or he P!a.yed;On~ ~ilnwe kn~'

ha",dCi\m.

,\iin.t.,

. .

WO\iIdn'(jraV!ll,and.

evena~likedIOUl80Utfor..

IIIevening.JJe said, "rmjus! like I used II) be. ~ aKid:rve, 110\'#

,

. I

I

I.

I

. ,.,.."",""" $>xUQ/ldmI/Jy \&7.

been able to p!.OUlO[ I"y OWnbact y8rd to play:' In oonl1'ilst,",any~l1itdit'impi)SSible to play, \0 laugh, and \0 ""'<e funin their«n.J!l~ItOirtes. Usually, this. is bo;a ofoldA'arent tapesth~1 di8\jo8t"S"ij sudl

.'

. acti\'ily ill their ..ildbood and thai continue10 be. beaudby the Child ego stale. .

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,'

!

."00 outside,the ho is n,?lloplay in." .

"Beq~~ !I1otber!uIsa~.""Ik qqie~you'l!'upsety~u-rfll'¥t." . .

"leJon'l ,;,...t anynt~es indU$bclUsc."

"No dancing in this ho~. If yo'll'rc going 10may in-

.'

si4c.,,,.watehTV,".

". , ,:~,c

,M~eclcOup1es, re~wioeriae IUJunClion "DoII't p""tinlilC,' .JIouR,",...,. diIc:om-tIJeonly time they can really h-ftlit.iJ ;/. 'wben lIteys<>"oul"/ , .'

.

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'Cont1ictortcneruJ'lS ill marriage ~one'pe~~jOy.~.'

':;;~t.::':~":~=.::;y:~~:ti~~:wlfe'in!l'rpt'eIed; "H~. doi!SJI'tlOve me or Ite'd spen~t the ti~~.,WIthme. Why d~hea1...ap have tocle sudt)trenuoua~~ .

Another couple ",-",ays f0'1ghIO'<er!!,OW\O.~d Iboil' '<~IIi>II;-.' .. In childhood. dle~band IIIIdSQIie~gwith his fa,t!ier,fIoi:"...

. enjoyed lhe rugged O\Ildoors and e,<ery.yeilf'looked fQrw.nt "". ".SeitinS 10 the mountalnsduriJ4 hunl\llS ""8$Onlo dO,a "UtilesI1ootjng."1f1S wife, bowO'<or,had spenl her childh<JO<ivacali<lMat die beacl1, p1IIyiog in dI.sand and slU'f.NOWwhenit_efune .

to "play," she wanted to So \0 die bcach,and he "'allied \Ogoljllhe mountains:,~ accused Ibe odlor,"Youdon'l even c:atewhOtberI"bave.~:~ !imeornQl", .

." ,'.'Nomatltr WbaI=";~ did, one pat'lQei'wi\hclrcw ~

fully,andv..,..7~4r!f""" fwiAt'tertl..a,.m,t~tiona!~»is~'''~ii.bIe\Ol\Ilder.tamrtbat theirCh.d~ .

"l4leswerei~~diti'ereatJy. tb&Multe8Q~w.ere tIIeiIaf*. ~~'ffOttO)Utaaliifacto1')'t»'m.J1I'OIni*stI.thatiheyeach @pIa ~~ witbO)ul the oilier's resentioSil TIIC)'aIac1eXpel:-

..::::~~::~=~~~lies1halnel-~, .!iis 110IUJlCQnllDonInmarritgefor one person, fto,m,dloChi1d ..

ep'late, 10~ oontinuaUyonslase as"'" ~ perf01'n1er andf,,!" ,

,

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-,

188 BORN TO WI':' ", .the spouse to feel compelled 10be a passive observer. The center,stage role may be, for example, that ora clown, a wi~ or a tragic.queen, The audience, is expected to applaud or weep. Conflictoften emerges in a marriage if the, passive pattner wants a share of

'

the, spotlight. ": . .Some groWn-ups hllve lost the capacjty 10 play. The,child 01' a'

,person who cannoi play is likely 10feel guilty und... the'illnuen~ofan internal Parent dialogue,such as "Playing is awaste of time,""YOU

,

can't play,till aI,

l the wod< is done."."You<!On'tdeserv"'IO'have, fun," Or "{dIe hands are lite devil'sworkshop." This kind ofperson may pick ajobthatis al1work and no play. rfother workersa~ cutMg up, this ,person'. Child may feeluncoiitfortable ",hilethe Pa~nt disapproves.

"

,'Other a1iults find.it, easy taplay and laugh. Their Natural Child

laughs out of II sense of pleasure, often II "belly laugW'or a de-, , lighted giggle. Their LitUe Professorlaughsit tlie humor or absur-!iitYof a situation. Their Adapted Child laugha out qf neIVouSliess..d politeneSs and at w"at they've been taught 10 laugh'at. Su""people may Itave learned'IO,play'the'roie of a cloWllIO glOtatten-tion and 10make !>thers laugh. Or, they may hllvelearned to playthe c1bwn to I'Dver up a tragic' feeling ht ,.helr Adapte.. Child..,Oneman expressed this when he said, "At a party I always play1heroleof a JcwlShcomeclian. I'm gOO\iat making p~ple laugh. ~lIt

',

solJletimes when they laugh at mo. I really hale !heir gu!li."'Th!s.,man used his talent, to 'COllecthurt and angry feelings.

The person whocannotlaugh or bring la!>ghter to. othen,whe\ll<!rat a~ seven or seventy, isprobablya""Pteil to fear thepotential iUIin\acy th~t sh.red laughter is likely to bring. Shared

'

laughter is also a way of being transparent, and some people al-ways ha~e their guard up:

"

.

fo

I

CHn.oHOODPSYCHOLOGICAL'G~ ANDRO~ IQENTITY ,

"

,

Nqi 4IIpray'~ InnQCent.Ul;Crior ~"tives areillvolved tlenachild rehea...$psyc\10Iogica1 .,.mes to be JUyed later iIIlil"e.Afut!>re Rescuer may ba!tdage his unlllllfutg and com"laining ,three-year-old patient. When the young ~eru finalb bun.. illto

,

tears, the would-be Rescuer, throWs.." h..hands iJi despair 11II\11."I'm just trying to make your hurts !1ttter, you crybaby;" (I'mOnly Trying I~ Help YQU)Another fU'ure ReSC!1eris the young girl

I '. ' .' .

'. Pt!NonGl:iznd~*uti/ Idenlit! U9.

who while baby,sitli~g her linlt brother lets hi,rn: wander away.Whet! he screal118in .terror al'ler climbing up a fen<:eandJaUing .off, sbe picks him up, bruahet; him off with. "You .always hurtyourselfif I'm notth~re'to take.care of you." (Whal Would r ou D.. :WilhoriJMer). .'. .

.,.. ."AfUtll11;Perseeutcirmay "ilctidcnt!,Dy"",ave a ~ycleonthe, .,'.

sj:hoolgr()!1llds,la!lirc.atch. mend stealing it ,~-handod.. and_t.this,l"'!n~ tlJteaten" '1 sawjou, Vou'"e gonna, geIJnlrOuble!";(/II.w I've (Jot to.,}!'"u S.O.B,) Mother type orfwu.e Perse\lOlOri~ the Jjft1e..giriwh.obltiUthe !\eighbor h!>ybyeallin&~tly1&him; "Why 400'.tyou wme, j)verand>pl&y.withme?Wh.~~e,ar,rives,sbe IQoksd~ hetl!.~ Id him andsIl.ets. .Qh;,Y01!'r~tQP'

.diriy, my mama ~on1d!1't""a"nrt. to pl.y,with yon.. '(Rapo) '.':When !jttle JOhnny; ..tsopriCticing,,"er!iecutor !Qle; tt:U!lts

Jane with.:..Myda~1s bi~'" thanyaut dilddy."he's deli"erjn$t!lefirst line Qf a I!ght,lfJanerotpondswil),;, "01\ no Iki:m'4,~ydaddyis big8"r;~l'he'g.me is .0n,Their ..ttaokldefense r;(!oti,,~es'un,tilJ\>lniny.01J!\tuUi'/SJ>erandshe runs away,eryi"g, ((JprdI:W'

A.fUluteVi~il'l,jnvite4<to a P!lrtytl\athe'sal'rijdtOatlell.d,may IUrnoown ~niltvitatjort with. "I oon.I' go if il werel1't:fOl' . I.

'Im\>m,'Shenever!ets me have any fun:" (I!It¥'eren'tjfJr H~rj~,1oth.r fUlure-te~earsing Victim'whines to hi. w';uld'D"compl!tj~1.to "I can't run il1.lIIe'ae~. If!.run.too fasf,lmight 8"u~s(O.tI),

.'I

aChach~.ljkefl1y,Utllebr()ther," With thisltlovl'\1e ~\I~lI!!tuse~.an ItI1agina')'.illoess t<'J~void "etf0r.mmg. (}VrJtJden£Ii"",",fteraU, what ~.yQ~ expe,r.of a person WIth;.wo<>ilen.leg!)~slitl'a"olher )'Q~.o8Victim, ..eingthatth. co<:>kiO$areneai-1y,~~i. 'pas;"l the

.

ttt ,aU to ~ friend'..

,and,th.

en moans, "Tbere.

1ItO"iiiWI'

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any t!!>od.thlngs~fr for lIIe, , (.p.or Me)..' .' , . ,,,

.'. .-Laterin,life,g<';l'!I<sare,likely to 'ber1ayedharder,.witl)~e

Adult ego.;Iat.e used .t9 cover ~p the Ulterlotmotives or~e C';h!id; ,

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In Id~iliorit<:> dtVe'()pin$~ ide",!i!}' as ap-e~; every<>~eals;<>devel<>",a sexuali4entiiy,Even a,sntosrebild,enlt."e.ba$jc '.f~~IIS abpuft¥lI)selv.s a;being()K or n<:>",pl{~~erso1'. theYalSQ,feelOK or o~t-O!< as.a perSon.of . pattJcu!at ..i($~ So",.c~ildrendevelop:a sexu!il'i~tity t/1ai is healthy' an.IHealistN:':others do 'nor .'. '. .

..'Although maleness and fem.len~;s ..,ebiological fai'ri theac,

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- .. '>/!. . ~190 . _ BORN 7~ WIN .~ptan~ or ~on ofon...e1f as eIthq-1IIIIcUIinO'orfeminJne '-.

.

. psyd>ologicaIJy. determined by

. fe.tinp .~atne4in dUklhoocI..

From. ~momC11tof\>irth. .child whOkpl1'eDtSw~ a babyof the opposite sex D1ayS'ut 0111OIIth~"""il8f(>ot(nOi-QK JDaW~ale);AItIIou81..ml)lt.~I.-m 19~_Wy.pr,..,mtnevwsetovetthl>il'~p~,w.t..f!II:~Jip'tht...~1jI~ su~edisCoJln{of::..hal~~~\Johj tc>1!(:~~~MlI1er~'.,./ .

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',"'te~bei~ ..y~"W. recI~.li!tlejjir!;iUHI,!b",'y~*,-~II'C"'" '~qjl;l.'$IIe~~l!IOddJall_r"'m,Mbn~Ward,...d'\'hen l!l'<!eldpc>iIii!!lltiIIa'.1I!ere...!IO baby depart!Dai.liDIbeMil".y. W8111~;~'_Id I14Y"'1'b!s'(8S~.'.' " ". . ' '. .I ..."er~ ; '-1It.t ~bI1tI pjIYOr IIi.e'! enoI/ft.llioew-''''II,w'''~tmmI~ .81J(".~youjvstllae I&II>J;~'IRJ'~W1>uld...y. dw.'Ubar~k> do.~ .'.tMY'~~"""."

''pi". pu",~bef~the <Iiaoatcr.my~. ~ ~ oi1mlbo.by~ ,

"""Pil1kiJl1Y

.

""unCl frlJl&ed willa.

, pidJi,'1Iiid1itlle"'''' ~ '~peeringbilothe~...IUI4&rib.sIyi "Wb.tiiQ~blelil/le '. ......(6 .

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'Clijldren whose .1$ r~dbythdr~DtSarciii1:~iytO~-.

)eet\lleifOWn s~ 'J1her.rilaytry.io Jive'upJothliit parents"~.1AIIi000.:d~nII.tthe~"~!lfthl>il' ~~8Ifslic$ei~ i/ki!tifi' .

. .Qn. A liltle gi!! WI\otric!.to be "daddy's littl. ~ may.u~.-'iat.ea.r Datutt1.fl1DiJaht~ ~alitiea. A 1ittJe boj ,.]Ioll'ies \0 "".. ''1!IoJi!we'slill1e gill" m.y~tehi8.._~ural~e !PIli!{"Ii",. ~Ihough these mRuen... sddom1eadtollQrnO$txuabty or .

les1iianism,they~. iD$(!",eeases. CQntribule\alleViatiOn;. .o~ youl!ghomoSexual~poned ~11!i8mother remindedbilb..

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. mernc>ryJroml\i.cl!iIdhQOdi8~fbeing..JIk~,paSt I\Qre,~~and lohi that if he were '~I!sI~.weCO!Jld buy_f'~'~

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Y<id'Cd'hi..~ as a'lIIrf' and \eVilhc.Urlsi. .'\. '. '-;i'.'

. H~""'X11ilbefui\iiilr.i:alt0ftudllpel)pteliH' a"j8riot'yO(rea-,sonsi/whldiilg psyi;bo~I.8bd()l<!giatl;bIOIo~I,..,dSl~liq.iatC:i~taft~es. The .bealww.iltdhoniokl<\1al' billaviOl' isprob.b1yrela,led.iolheprimal (eelingsill Ihe Natural CJlildatldto .

Ihe lack of adequate hetefOSCxual adaptalioli. At birth, infants are;~ > '. .. 1"

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lORN TO H'lN. .

. models of oolli.sexes. The current nuclear family, bowever, frt. ,

! quendy limits a child's adult"""\adS' Children wHit limited adult

associations often turn \0 their.peen. tbr sex. standards or to th.in,'" media, -where their models are Jjbly 10 be phony images ofm8ICUlinityand fem~ pr.>jcc:tedtor the purpose Ofsellli!&

\ . The feefui81or beIn8OK ornot.OK,masculine or feminine, aref . most JIowc!rfuJIylnl1u~ by pareD'" expectationsand their

definitions of "mascQJine" and "feminine". beba\jjor. . .ff," iittle'Sirl '~..g rwm aWe is admOllishe!l.''That's not

feminine," or "WeSntiths never do such uttJal!yllke"f.bin~" sliemay'question \be faCtth&!she is rea"y a glrl:rfb~r&oisterousaCli-vit)' ~not ~~r" \0 berparelltsjlnd she then adapts bybeing pve~au~ or quiet, one tide.otber personality will be.frasmented.or un4erdeveloJ?ed. . '.

. .

. Many wo~en strive ioappel!f sby,emotional,fragiJe,senti. .

iIlenbll,belpless;and inteUeetuallyincompetent in otder to live upIOfheir~ imaBeora ",ea:J~woman.or to appear''femjnine"to.otb~18~ /. . .

. .'.A\tbl)UgbAlneri~ cuUJUalscriptin,@often caIIJ fordUWunt:i~theJnteU~ and agmsion ofSIrls,.t enc:ouragesth..e aSpo:tl

. in ooys.1k>ys.remorelikeJy to ltave their feelin9.and teOdet111>-

I(.tiOJlS.dil!C08nted.AIittJ. ~y, piay;ngC!JWooys aadfndians,.may

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." , cut his leg aiJd run \0 mo~ cryin~ ff be is lIIet with a stern,.. )'

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~..: :.~.','qu!et boy,wbopref;n-iCaC!Jiij and ~Jioo.mpCt1ffveactivlti.s \0

. " m~':.e_~wessiveIicti:~~~: .--we a negative. '.

. 'i60ut 1II.as.:ullmtyw c can , "You .not Vln .up'. ..';0 outtii:ji\iiiiiciesof1r1eat ~ 1titsmay COntribute\Oa ~Pt

Jjjfiltllr"WTbo~; . . ,.Studies byJourard p!>intto the danger of parental messages,

..6ith Jleny chil~n their honest rellCtions\0 pain or fear.-This'.denial, most ofteD'8Iven 10boys, may late\' Contribute t&the P!>Ot

.

health and prematUre deall! of-men wbl) feel \bey""

lIot men, ull-leu tbey appeflt ~tougb, objec

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've:.

Striving,.

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bievinS..

unsen."

ti.mCJIbllandc>1iotionaliyunex~e" (9).. . .' .'.

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. M~y boys bear, "{)Qlbare for 8irJs,~ an injun<;W>nwllicb "ften

frustrates the natural desire \0 re_ their emotional life drJmIa\ISIn! dolis.assubstituIC ~ple, Many.girIs hear, ''Trucks are for

ooys,~ whjch(>ften frustrates thena\1lrlll desire. to shape and 11I1I-nipulate objeCtS.This kind ofscriptmg pei-petuatestraditioDalsexual '1)Iesin the AlneriCIIIIclllmre, where taking C'areof people .

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ind1llgC insa<lis\ii:o~lI1,IISUChisli"~xu4J bc~r witbother ~I.ad\ill,s ':. . .

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~ ilnp<>tcnlor.!'rip.!. 1.W...~p~e!ll.atIO~atIO.~..1CQ~fuotia,

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.ttqly iIIdi",1ed.I:'rof~!,,- ~li"8 iaol'letl~ lli Insle.!i1!l!5~'.., i;'}'" ',ii' '.'

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'",.': "Ted...d AInt~1\~e4CQuplein 1\T'¥P"C';;""",.~~~,repi)rtcd d:lauhtyJelluidelyDkedliliCh~. ~I:I7J1!lBittedIolheir ~~ bill~atIOC:OI!l\1~(\u \<)W")'

'tbeir s,cxIif. so~~.ryiJi&. Alina, s.14 ~ ~)' felt .'.al1yllrOlIMd ~m'i!mbariulCd by'~lI\ui>l>lI5~. .:UIJ."T.dth\iJlleclhF &I\lecI101I1ikelheirsexlife.bcltc(l11!\.

','cfi<bl'tkn"",~II!.I\)&i~.'.

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.~tb ~ bee:11&ivenJ>erCnltapes !I"Sl!Xwll~h U;cl~,iII, '. .; .injilnc:tions:"Keepyour buds lo.you!$elf,""~hWo'<II\Y"\I

"for1ouc~i!'§)'o\1tSC1fI~" ana"You~u~)' lIe1i11f'1:~.)'Ou.a,gun. . .: . ..." ..' '.

. . .'

.

".'",' ','Ted alid Alma.sOOnb_ ajYa.re,thail!ieirParenl rapeg ",e .

very. pi:ohibitive an4' activaledunlX/lftf<jnl\bIe f~np in.1h.

A~ptellCbild.,~ feb yiilry ..boultoueh,l!achjY&$ feUtritor.~ne&$'EI\<:h lacked'"",aU...)' !'Ildserisilivi!)'jn'seual~~."

",p~ C?lISCqut$lly,their>I1a!U1ii1sexualim,p\llal:s~aIrII~, .

"'tally ..,~ied,TJi"J:"'<Ibl~ .were CQmpo"I\~\IeCaIIse,. 1h.i~Mull "JO sll!lesjYereb()th.UJ!inf~edan<\JI\lsinf~, '

. '. b\'~I1/1!'11t,TecI a'\"fA"ili""Ctt'in.lrIi~edi!tlec\ull!luilS t~i ,

~b!>diIy ~\!iatenilSS,.Theyw~. gi"'ll>~ni&(fq.81i$1of'.,~.~IIt

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;'. 11\'t:0tIIJaitj0no.ud _';u!all'}', They."._ aI", fnCf1uralCll~ex-.

!'leA mutt. sensuouSniiss fRi'II\'1h~ir .NaIUt~1 Child, IOnn10aUy,\hfy ltarl1ednol 10 b8sclheil's,cxual IIQlivities on old. neg~liveIbtnwryrapes.

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It~ pla~:-4h~ tiow. whm:when, arid with whom ofohildhood. play-sOll1e1imes are 'reAected later,in the penoit.s choice ofwca.'

liOD and'use ofleisure.tilile. '. ':. .' '. ..'

. v9W~plaYP'.ych6fo$ical ~es to;~\ltoJte theii~a.rly:~'" "',ldeDllty.,The'pllles ~ ~ rodliture'lJCO!Ie5Inwl!iOlt'tht rol,s of. Viqli I!Cfseeilk)r.and R.IIocu.,will lip pIaye",: .',

. :rM ~tloplni"it of'se~t"ljty. is aIsc1rttat~ to..rlt~. ..... ..1I:8IIuwona.k~""" ... ..~..~~aiI4=ated bJ'..:"~

.

rr::ri:~~~f~'::=:=:~iJ.\.p~=:';::.

, Iy 10JU:~.. P91\tiW:~~\labout tjIf'.$e1I.u id~tity Of~{, ~.

. . , Y"~haveauIdt/llltrbothas ..peI$C\I\'IfICI.... .."ue! ~ . ,', .

. 'fbe'~sa8<llyooll!CJ'IXedaboutyour~.hatandwhal!l:YOP. ... .

'r.:l::.s:rt:!>;tC~t~~~~~.\,~~~~~W~:, :,".

..titj:trillese'aie helalhy:youl!~w t\ie~ !:in ~..'tdulW~

. [ .Willilei'positioh.. If; ihey ue ~t..oId .rtitJJdn ~.1Ie ~" ','

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.or ",>'\,:,>::>';,i,;.;,1~~}:,~,'

~<I~t}'<>\ir ~ame.in rela1ioDto ~r soript.:;-V~idel1ti~. '." ".Jlid It Jive you", :.'. . . ....."

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.0 Who.i>amecj'you? Why?',..

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*'ere you 'na~ed '!.flu someOlIe?lf so, .didlhe...me !!old $pe-: ,<.:

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..Weter"0 ~O~~ ~fYour ~Rle Q~.~id ~u.4isiike'it1 '~:, ~:' ,:'~ W )'()j11211edIiIi.,..lhat cjidt\'t~ approptiatelo J'DIIt.,.""Ot,o~~IIi\Vileiir\di~..;.,: ,.: ..', . :. ';':.'.,:-. W~y~Ui-nim,,~o pppu~ tiltiYOIIte'"p~'of.. mOb,:;',~, .,;

uliCOtRlI\oDtit.. yoli !'eU odd'/- . ' ': '.', ." .

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. .Diify01.\ have a\ik:k_~A pel na.;;e~H~\Vdidy;,IIJCtitf .

~ How.did yo,.~ ~am~or o'tlter:,enris you we.re 'called. :uit1~;. ',

. enoeyoutself.lilit.? ", . ,:. '. .

~\vlla't.areioli ~Itd /IO<iIi.By whom?

. .,200 BORNTO WIN'

o .. ."

. If yoll' ar,. matried, da you caU YDurspoUse:mommie pr .'daddy? Why? , '..;. .

,I ',',', , ,,'. '.. Are,youl<&llN oRe name al ho~ a"d aRol\1e,...me al,worlo1

. 'If sp, wllai aN ~ Implicaaio' 1'.;

'..~What ~o you prefer~'; .,e caliN1 Why?, .

;· WoIdd you rather lIa.".a di/'ferep\1I'I1J1e1Why1.~ ~ ,~y

I'AcMI reaspft fGr cball8IRg)'OilrDlllle1 For Ittq>I1Ig die <>jIe

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~~~~;dJ:J~aidO~ rta/II.wb.1I~~h",~

· WIieIl.sOlReoneS8)'S,~IIG." )'IIu?"40.)'011~. ~'" JoImDoe;" It, do you'say"MarY Poe"?\vhy'i.'

~._

.

i',", ,','.:: :.. '.-",_ .':, '::'...'.,''<

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~:4:?,~.. ~~II ~re divo)Q4or.~dmvcd; ~_I\~do)'OU_~.

[,:,:','1" , '"olf:yOu;...,~ pr()fedi~...~ dilJe\'CDIf)Ouilhat,~t'yOUr

.. husbatld'.,hoWdb pc9JIlc

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.,:f,:' ..F'~'

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~t,'. S>yinar~ ~ '.'.:if .~thiHx~lIienl:siowly.CIOsc~;eyeS.TlyIO*~

r'. .as a youps chil,fa~ p~ay,YGU.in probably .;a1CbglW)pscsof

.'" yolltselfatdl/fereDllgc,aad..., HPldOnto_.pr~ u...; ~

agery aad exP!'rje~" il more fully.. ,'. " . ,,·

. . 'NoWgOilllCrtlieImalPaarYr06I11in your bead where yoU'lI03:. vjdeo~T.eoUl~uapela'bcljod~nt..l1IdPlar~HtOll..,,..'. , your~ tape recorder.;rum 011the .;ri!eb, ~II. .

1:'7'. . W t &i)(11I' si!y.tIo..t'pll~. .', :

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, ,,' .; I ,,'; ".,' "... . ' ..What nonverbal m_~ \I() they pv~ .,'., , ,

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'. . Wereyo\l~ven lillie 10play, on,asyOi.r ~~O¥~tecI?

. ."

.'w~;".int:nOlJS pIaciedQIl your'P!aY ~ 01' y~ .x?Now~ the followinaq~~ to P!hef :

.,

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,

201.What were your acpve I"onm of pl.y? ,.:Nhere did you play? Back yard? Street? Barn? Alley'tPatk?, Whichwasyour favoriteplaee?WI\y? ,

.O,

idYOUP,

lay alone?,

D,

jd Y, '

,

ouh,

m'PI.YI/i,

ateS,

?If so,

; weretheyrelatives? :N,eigltbor$? sdtooijnat~s? Did youlave,a~ inutgt-.n.ry playmate? ':

"

,

'..,. .'. " '

.,

· We"l your playJliatt;s Sl,

' mUM ~ l)IIe Ulol"C;t1 .1('1101, wfult ,'were ,the.differences?', , ' ;,'

" '".Did roUf. site; ..x,appearall~, ,skm~. oW.ikeop you' .'~n..', the sidelines.get yauolt the tellm, or leI you bf the Sll!r

" ,performer? " .' " '

",

",',

.Wmyou primni1y~leader,a fOllowef.lir, ,!,feree'!\V"lIlch,'role didyouPrefet? Washa topdogor anulld~rdogiro!:e?

,",

.' '

,... W"at was the most fuIi thi.{g yo~,ever,d}d?

,.,

.\Vhat were yopr passi~.fo;'tIi$of play? Didll1ey ,irtclud~ a lot''

of reading. radi,o.or TY?"

',:'

.,Whit,were yo,{rra~orite programs? Comedy a~ ~tm"'de,you laugh? Soap o~r.s ~t made YOu'c¥Advejltute stOries,:

,

that Jl)(>kyouout of Ihis world? " /, ,:.,.Did they motival~You:to adion? Lull yoU'into f~nhe~ 1'0$;','sivity?' " r , "

,

'

.With ~hichcharacter$did youidenlify? Why?, ,,

'. III what "lay was youqilay a rehearsal for yout presennole'?..

'.Dom~tic.oCcupatio_nat, etc.?"

. )', .~

I

'Now imagiae;~noiher'vid.Q'tape.!abeled "'CJtildhOQil'Laugh.ter Tum,i(,on.,Heilrthe'souIid Of your,/aughlet," .

~ .:..., -, '- ,.:",' ,'"

. Whot~adeyoulaugh?'" , ~, ,', .Doe's tbe &ound seem, to toniHromap<lr1il'Jiiar part~fyour .

~h,

il,

d:e~,'

.ta,

te?,

F,

I'e

,

e;flowing,Nahl,ra

,

tCIIi,

l,

d? .M

"

aII,

,jp"1a!i~,

.mtu1llv~ Lltde'Prof.ssor? Polite ,Adapted' C.h1I~? . .

.Is l1IIy4"'.teiling you I1()tto laugh,llIat ~'/t.. 'tIp1ftmDY''?, .Dpyousee or hear anyone Ia"ghjng at you? Ifs6;doesit male

,

you feel good ,or bad?, .. ' " '

"

,

"

I"

Ii

I

I

II

, P""_a1Js."",,, I_itl" , 2Oi"

,~Try lhi.t;o; two mOl\Ihs<Thea 'di..1iss yo~r eXpcriellp'$.\.kvel'with el\l:b olloer as Id,wbal was enjoyable, wbill, was tolerable. 'wbat <ll!asimpossible. Could iIIIytIiiJ)gbave beeJldone to ~~

'CIJOI!Sethe /\In? Are tl\ete agrellmenls1!lat.need to be reac~to m*e 11 MllcHn U,e filluie?'

,

", ' ,

..'

.. ..' '

,'<'.. , ..-~

· ~,with lhe purposo'ofbr/e8ing I$~ P\eUjIfe" ~h"',lilt to the \'Iller peqo...1ak~ tUt'1\Splanniflg. QeII~

""ao:,

Ilvity,ljIat youtl/iJlkwpukj ~P'I~$!!I'fOUf apoutrc.,",.',::' :...,.. ,

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':'"_'{',,':_,',." -.,..

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"".' Ffila1lMxjl!orIisatii!ifibuOOviti~.9i\Ii4~lboi'!fyOl1."

" tried b!>Iwo~liJtlO. \VJUtluirib '""»\ld be ~t1l), ~enttWidi? ~at#Iyoqrpiw. ~~e \liem. Iry.~t~'"

"'your ,.;sullS,", "', "

,

.'i3:;.f"

. . .." .' ' "

." ~.'1f;.'T,,~'fiII,iasY'~,edmelil is'fottitese wbo'~';e/otgoUI!n, afd:

'afrai!!.'dr.feel UII.bl~1\iplay.Do ,!!,IeexJ!"fl'l\~ ,~."

,

SlOp'ifyt>11become I<J9anltious. Wpt a wiJIi!eand start~"

,,

i)qn'! ruoh' YOUrself. ,,' ," ,.', )'lmagiD:e,youneJf selting rC.uiy'11>.,J>hIya prne.bf'loiICy- · · \

~U.r:_""'; ,.,-'0:,' ;,,'i"O _.',,-,'. ,__,:1...\,,:(.:',; ':.';~!k

. SC\ect'whattowear.V;watiu'~ ~ssed~a f!'.dJ~.',;:'....y

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:'r,..hnaglne tballbe '6$~"pl,ay~':' ,wil,1~I$Q'be beginne~ 1!Ij>1'«' ",

'.inMresJecl itI.1\In dIaa'jn <olilJ'CtitiQll.

"

,

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c,:"

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'.. ~-.... Imap YOI1I'SeII'od .theway I<>the''$'""e.

. ,'.

~ybursel} and ";bC($ arri.vinwa!th~ court. , ,:,

'

, I

"

~=~:;:I,fOfllbe COlI",bitting~J!le tOOdsItOUc~~4"

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." .::~m:;"~~~~*:,;e~u;.~t;=::'r'

.lng fuIt, ,,',' "

,,'',""" r:~',

NOjYt~iakorap\ayf~~~yqu'v~ hada~~1!18"y:;"'~;'"Iry. Seek out play Siluaifonswbere yotawould feel qfe, qy \be I"y:r a r'ecrcalion_tor, or,an .dull J>I'QS1'I!"!.Selec!J?COp!e:-\O

"

'play WIth w~o:arC 'non~loning. ",",I.iepe!",lite ~l1Ie 'P~ lISabove.Do this for'severa]days.I~~1I!

4. Yow P87~t.ol.a1~_ '

. '. .. -, . -'.. .

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, ,Lilllilbis this exjierilileat IOlMsad.~di~ iD,Ih~,e!lapler,flm writ~ In lb. b¥iQ'l\IaoJflldadve Viotllli>p~,

"'Il-:"'- ""'":.~' -:"'.i.

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'" """",,,,,.~',um'w~'c~P~''''-J_': ,,'." "",:'

.N~ ~dtr",blch psy~l~ sjitii.syoU; YOll!p'~IU,or s.blJnssplayedIn clllldhood.' i'

,

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,

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.

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,41Qnl:ff~t~:;.,NlUPie of theCiame. .~

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." -..',.:.~,<.',

bn 'O,dll frying 'IQ Help You' ',WiIIIl Woulil You Do,,wilh,,U,1

. I~M'e?,\

.,' .,' ,", .

,,'"Now I've 0'0\ You. 'You 8:,0:11,',~apo, "

,,

" pro~.'

,',",','w- , ~ >' ..-<~.

,"'e"" :'-,

,If II W.' fIIr",rtHimWoodenLtg' ,

:I>oor Me ,

, . i'204 BOJlN, rOWIN' ,

B""",

mea"'

,

IIt,"of Y~ incr~"inS

,

' QOor n'te. \Vhcnitfec>~'righi, lurn your fantasy,lnt"mJJly,

"

. '.Re ~lJIber10 play for;fu";'{~OI for "kcq>s.'" ",

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,

",C:-:_ff~', , ~'

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I~ yo~ playo" 'any (,rlbe;. g<!l1!csin Chil~QOd" do YOll~Y' ,'

I.

',~he~'~:, '-"::.. "'_ _': :i,,'_','_.. '.>;., ,,'_,1~: ,;~':i~:,:>,':,"':',',~'_-,';"J _:,:',~::',~:~'_':~

,

iHo", ,lIPyou 11CI"!It 'roles-of ll,esCiier, Pe~~lOr; Dr'tljetl..r

,'~.(nWbatsilu8Iion$and",iili wlioin, , ' ",", -".'

I

I

. At ",\tat-leVel~~nm~ ..;; YQUpl.y your I!!I~,- .

"

". ,> ,'{':,.':,::'''.:'' ::"",":.

,\", """,.':. .'~:. ;.;~,::.",';' """'".-

6:Yo';; s~~I4ee,~ ~nd J!:vr.il8til,a ,

R~..peri.l1cing your~hiklliood,f~iIlngs .abOulyi>\li se'f,lIaiidentity and your "dUal e.peri!'riI:eSmll¥ Si\'.'you impotIJIIIl." , ' ". '~: ~ "'. ",

.."."

Pmo~qlaNISexual/tknllty 20! ...

clu,es 10,your present attitudes 'and behavior reg~rding yoursexuality.

Think back to what was said about your birth.. .,' .

'4', .Was anYthi4either positive or nc;gatiye, ..idabout the pain

you ""u.sed youtmother? ', ,.00 you know what your parents feli about yeur seX when you

were born? We,reyou what th~y wanted? 'I

.If so, bow did you cOme 10'know this?'.. If not, how did you gc!ltheine$sageand how did YOII~etl

',

about it?, '",

"Who were your male and feml\Ie models1':Ve~-th~y adequate? .'. . .,.Did youbave suffic;ientopporljlnil!es lObe with ~r$on$ of

. the "!,posite SC1<?The"ame sex? ,:

.

.Were you gen~iall,

y afraid, 'ot 'did you, enjoy persons,

of the, OppoSItesex in your childhOCd?Pe~", of your own sex'

.~What images <'Ifmasculinity or femininity ha"e youi~l'I'o-rated? R<;jec~d?Are stilIeonf\l,.d about? . ~ -, .

. Did YO~frather j)elieve woinen:wereOIt and lI'eat them,assuch? .'

"

. .~/,\

" ,". , ..Did:you, mother believe men ~ere OK and ll'eat them.. .

such? ..'". .Wllat were ihe attitude. and bellavior of your (libet parent

. figures in relation to perso", of the opposite sex? ..Which ",f the$e attitudes bave you i~rporated? .

Now activate you.' Par~nl videotapes labeled SEX.

. . What. do you bear a!>out-your sexualcu.riosity?~ tbe-, rem.rk$ rational? Prejudicial? Tilreate'ning? 1)estrui:tiYe?

Indu~gent?'. . .

. .

. Are they igllormgthe .ubj~'l'r,",yirig' nothing? Aie you ridi,ouledorsnamed? .

.' '., -· W~I>~Otd'Or phiases are used Ib,be? you II) lilie?. W1\at are your sexilal organs called? How did they teach you

.

"the facts of life"? '. '.'

.',',,',

,

.

'., 206 BORN TO.wiN .

· Did they leach YOII 1(1 pro\eCt yourself seXllalIY? .Did theyablise YOllsexually? Fail to protect you sexilally'l Flirt with

.'you? Tefl" you? Ten}1>1Iditty .~rie. to arobse )'0I1? ..

° Oo:eitIW.of.>:ol!r p8Mft1Sget vicario!l$ s.litf.acliOi1&om yo",sexllalu:~riences?Did they seemuad,.t)' ~

. NOw~Ie~"~CIill4 feC1ia~ &bQut;u..

.,.....

itWbat

.

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is~';U'~I

.

.

...

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f.~..

.

..

.

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'yout.~~..

a.

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youPeX~Q.J0y7 S ,., Wbaif"

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L.i)'OOf~I!1.

to~.

" yo.

lit

.

N8U\QIChiId.

teeJinpf.~.

=~~~?~~~~~.~,-',' , ,': --:- ',; '.,

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.........

.'Did YOI1l1eedteladeyourleJ:lI*1 CIII'iosIty? If.~_ ~. .

,)'OOf~~!,~ iIt.' ".;> '."."",',

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,

. ...:r ~~~~.f'-~ N"""..." ..

.(:O,oaider.~efoll~.q~'ia.~ tpydilt~,t~'aDtlbel1a\'i0r: '.'

.

. .."....

. .WIuit, areyciur~ab9Ut yOur body ~. .)'OOf.sexI18I~? . . . "; ....

.,What.. 'Jour .~'a\)o1ttper.ooiaof.tJO.~iIox'!

oAt yQIU'. ~ Slap.qf.lit" wliaidoYOl1~~pIiate ~ bWVior'l Do YOII.ba~AduJ.tdata~.'~~l(Ia~li~iIr~. ,.

...

.WbiCh ,...ia.. ot,ou,~ !(olirllcllllV~.,

_--,,~':;':'::'::":':'-;':"-';":;:'" --<:'-~,.~1",-':,'--, ,'.' ~'-,::;,.:",'<,h.;!.,"'''_;:'

...""' u~m:~. or ia biiBiOiI~ '.

'.~~t~atate'~~,~Ot\IIIe~~IeIt... '.

'~~."':YOI¥'~' ,'.

.";;' .' ;

.ff ... " '. .' ~1IIdi .. ...............:.v':'.~.TAi!'they~..r~.flnistr&liaf'~tative?~~.WIIat'1......

, ;,.

.

PerJOllllla"d&xuall"'hy 207

T,his txptrimtntl. only for Ilwst who have asexual probl.m. [161.Do your Parent tapes contribute \0 YQur probleJ11 now? iflhey

00. figure out a, way,\o turn Chem Q!f. '.' .

Olle way is to interrupt the illtemal dWoguebyf~g'9n'younensuousn Becom. aware Qfyour body f..lings and

Whatfe.ls.good. If your parenls resli!ne negaJive talkiag illyour bead, ~ t~ Chem."That's Paslm.tol)!:' v bllliAngyour body feelings win belp mmolT tltCtape. FOOls,your'al-tejition agaill 0/1' bow YOllfeel, now.,

'

.: ."

o'Do your Cbild tapcs conlti""te to Cheproblem? What a~,Ch;',desires of your,Natur~ Child.? Whicbofthcscarc you .bl,c \0. eJtpress?Do you need more control? ~ rontrQ\?

~ How docs You/Little Profcssot..ffCCt Chepr<>blem?1s itililitu.'ilion 41Idcrealivity turnedofl'l Docs It manjpulateteaJOltablYor attempt to exploit oChers?' '

Because so many ...ual problems dc\ieloped in the Ada~dChild, e..mine yonr ada~IiObS care/1lllY.' ' ,.What feelings did you learn io bave about ...? Guilt1,Fear?

Contempt? What? Are'Che..f.elillgs ,telated 10, traUDt.1ieineiden,ls in your childhood or 10 lollg.term negativeconditioning?

' ".,,' . ,

. Is your Adapted Chilc}CI100sing to maintain Che scxUa1,prob-lem in o~der \o'prove i~ early psychological pusit.iOl\$?' ..How does the probl.m contributetQ yout ~pt?

Now, U$ingyout flS..or Checbair, develop a dialogue 9n sex~tween YourParent and Child. Do tbe ~alilewiChyour Ad.apl-.d Child and Natural Child. S'ay'WhateveryoUwant .\0 &a)'.. Aftc,ryoilha"e eXha~ iIIe~onvctsalion (wbich rna)""~,

SO",

eral trieS,

); let xou

,

r Ad1!ittell you/Parent ~.t,

you ,arc now

'

>an,! hereafter responsible 'for. your Qwnse'lI~ behavjor. ",

Now eXa~ine your Adll1te!o state.. '

. 00 you have a"equat.information aboutyollt soJt~y ...dChatof the oppOsite ...?If nOt, galbermore data b)'tcading,

,

, attending classes: or talkillg 19,professiorii1s.' "

,

.

208 . BORN TO W1N

. II the dear thinking ,ofyour Mult amtaminalcd by,Parent- prejudkes,and/or Child cxpcrie~ arufdistortions?.Wbat SCXIIalbcbaVioris

,

a,

pp'oprWe to your life now?,

,Wk,

aldoca your behavior mean 10others now? WhaI,c:ouId il'dtean?

~ you makesomeonebappicr'l . ' - '.

.

. bibcrc _hing youc:oll1d.iIo,boul your jIrObl~mbutbaven't?Qi)you/lte\t 10~ a couiuclor? Have apbyiicalcx-~ Take. VllCl\tiOnJb!,Dtwork? ~JC.9fYOUrt!lViioillncnt? v.rtUu? .'

,

" "'.

.WJaal ~ dOrO/!~to,m.? WIw,lIt'Ir~\in.. couJd your AduII,ilacideIlPon? ,.,."

,

'..'

I. , . \

, ,

.,

"\

,

,

8

StomP Collecting at14Game Playing , .

life iJ.,lik"i /III'onion; yoU1'"' oJ! one '

loyer 11I0 lime, On4.J-mmn you ".Carl Stmdburg,

:,' . ,.

OpinionsaudtraditiOllS,formostPeoPle.rendtobe~4inthe P"",,I, egoslale; fatl"I\I<k1a .,.dcoinP\1lation c;enlcR4 it! ~~Adult; aDd nalu~atad adapted feelilljllc:en1eR4 in \be ,CJUld.

Children are ""tncapable ~ aU feeliJlj!S>taJIBi"8 from."r~

ROO'" rase, In QIebe$iJlning they re""""d senuiJlely witl>~Q1\'~.~e:I:;m~er=~.:=n::~iJ:e-=~!~~~ "

example.dlildren are nalUraUytuddiy. y.t can learn II) I>eco,ne. rigid 3114to wilbdr jp f.ar...bn lOinConeapp~ ~~b.

~dren. nal1lfl!ny~kp1e over pain. yet CU adapt to~pain. even deatb.Childrenare na\U.;allyself-centctCd. yet c:anleani to fed guilty about w'!"ting anything for '\bcmselves., ,

Child(en are not hatn witb tbeir fe.linp already prOg!1Ull_d"toWatd obj~ and peoplc. eoeh ohI1dlearns toward ,wbolll8Dd '...hat to show atrcciion. ,Eachl.atnS toward whOlllaud a1>outw~10 feel guilty. l;ach I.a"" wilont 3IIdwhai to f.ar. ,ElIch'\w:IIS1vilont,ndWhat"'bale.

"

...

,""',.

,"'.'

. Altboug/J .ath I:hild"experiences all fe.IiJlp.'e""b~aIIy.adaplS,~ith a "tavoi'ite"l1;eliJlg,TII\s is what coml\1oDlyf.k ,

when thinIII' "got tough~ around the house. ", ".

-,A dUld ~ ~uaU' hean~I'm ,!!Shamedof you!" <>r" ,"You should he ..harned of yourself!"

'. .,,~

"gUilty.

J

210 BORN TO. WIN

"1 t !"~t until your father.Setshome;~c'll bear you..,~"

"~Don~t.peak to thosele'ws/Catholits/Proteslants,.

.the)'c:an't be !rUsted." ..ha.~ or .uspici9n;'f"'. . ,

,"Altho!Ishtltesereeling8m~ have been an undi:ts~dal>le' re'. 'spo_to the original childhoo<isilUatit!t1$,Ia.teri~life people .

ien4. to seeko!'t sltua!:l01\Sinw~h!l!ey~~. the.OId.

,tee~~.ll' f~the~:~e1inJ8'ar~ OftenooU~~

.

.

afraid.

\.t'

./

, &I..., CoIl«,..,.Ga...,.",yi", '21]

loser wltl) sua:eed$ in *experien~..tliai old feeling," perhapsby playing g1\mes,manages to maintain the status qUo; ,

1'be followingc:ase iUustrateslt<iw IWopeop1e.ltandielheirguiltfeelin~ differ.ndy.

ci-~~'.Severalm=,ha4t..que~a \WIBfer<)UtofDivIsWa B oIliJtelectrolli<:s(abo"Ibry. TIt.!;jIUIed tIia,,$Iperviso11O~;t,m~g at wlndl'he ml!nw~enc:ourapho v.lilate tIiaki'eSCn1lJ1 ~ iss11ebecu1e clear w~" &I1eman explodedwith, "1'm Sickaliitliredof Samand~'$ ~aYs ~.IWo-Ito lunchperiodud Iellvingth. ex\tI(,work fortlia rat

'of us." Bodi SamllJid Ed confessed to ,!Jeing&bilty;apoiQ-"

&i1:"d,'and proInised'to do ,better.

sam,

Ii,

ved up to,Itis ,,",miSe,

:I!d, however,'cild1i\lIe c:oJib

,

...,

,. ued hi$JODI!lunchhOur$,o~riag ex~ of "Qee, fellowt,I'm sure sorry. It ...mslike something iIIways l\appl!ns>eveI!when I ha~egoodm",nlions.I f= terrible about it, ,alld Ibow I've Just got 10 try ,lIatder." T\Ie, reprimalld$ from 'Ih<!SUpeMoor '-'me more fn;q,uent. Edw... tltiaIly lIIid olf.

, The.gO $1&tetraIIw;ilqas be\WeeIIth. s.pen.iaor and Ed ~very different from thUsebelWeCl\lhe ~pervisor and Ii ,~,

'.Fig. 8.1) Sam ~d theJact that hi$long lunelt Itoun put all,

"!!fair burden on others aIIdShaped up. Ed c:oUetICdpilh_p_by playing a hard ga\1le (>fKick Me and got hiS payOff'by IlciJig ,

, fired: .j(ick Me is a CO!1Imol1'gl\Dleofjob ~rs. '

-!'. iI

.

,.' ,, ,,,',

I

III BORN TO WIN, . ..

A child w~ose "favprite" fe~ling,rcsppnsewas inadequacy. laterin life tends _to CP!lect fee1ingsofinadequacy. (sometime. referred'

". 10 as ~rown slamps or gray SlQ[llpS). This person usua11y has an I'mnOl-OK posi1ionand manipulales from the.Victim role.

.' one

.

game playedtP collect ~

.

eeI.ings

.

oJ inadequ.

ac:y is S.

IUPid.'-

.

Thcfollowi"l c.

.

.

con..

versatil)n,rc.

POtted.

by Gin

.

ottl:3j, iIIusti'ates ason's slrong determination to colloi!:lan inadequacy stamp fromhjaf&lber ~d hidalher's willingness IQ Siyeh.

'.

$011:'.

.1,am slu)'id.:

'Fill"": '1'011.artnol' SlUpid.$on,:' . Yes, I ."in." '

.. .

fal"": '\'~u ar. nOI. Remel1\.ber~ow smafl yoll Were.ai~p?. The. q:>unSelor thou8b' you were one of Ihe. brightesl. .

sOn: HO'If <10y~u I<nol)/what,bethoughl?

Falher:. Hetold 010so. '. . .'.

.

""

~',__','

,''''-,',..'',

"", -",', ';'-':~,' i..:/"

Vah, how.c:omebe Caned,,!e S~.U :w~tlnio?'

. He Wasjll$,iciddi~~. ". "....

'lam.l!lpid;.ndhnow II.L.Iokat my'8fades jp.Jclt<>9l~

Youjus! hllri to wort har4ei. ,

"

.'

,

"

.'

,

,,:..".'. . '."":.

',:',",'-"",

.,',. .1, :.'

'/,atfeaciy wor~harder andii doeNt'll1.ip,'I,havl!iO.

;braiftl,.'

1'" ,:

'FIZIh,,: You are sOlarI. I ~now., Son:.1 am siupid.l~now.

Falhe" Y011are nlll '$lI\pi41, '(loUdly)'

Son: Yea I amf

",.'

Jlal1tlr,.VO!!8te 1!0t.I~pjd;Slupidl.

.

."".' .

','

Irl'~1e.

.

Ie 10

.'.~

.

fiel ~III.

pid can'inn.

'd,

" so:n...

\6.

'

.

;..n.

1Itb.n' ''$IU-,.p4I"'~J."ay i~H~ ~tl, .0000eOIlei.Uteerins ~11hem.

hu..

.lheY collect H"OUHt".frit S1upidSIf,mp.."

.<'

"

f~pre wboteSf>oI!dto discountingm.c\tildhoOdby feeling hU.fI .

and dep~. laler lend to In,lulge themselYesby collecting feel,, ,

,

,

.S,amp Cttll«Jing and Gamt' Pltly;ng 2t3

. ings af depressiar, (som~tim~s referred t<1.as blue stamps). Onewoman. aj:Cus\Omed ta collecting feelings ar depression, discov.ered tt>

.

at wt>en her.

day was taa. bright. she caul~ ahvays collect a.few depresSlan stamps by calling hermather-m-law; One man

. collected his depressian.s.Umpsby consistentlyst>awingup late todepartment meetings. thus provpking a "kick" fralD the chairman.Later. he ,,,"vayscomplaiDed. "Those'meetings.really ..e1iress 1I1e.They roin my day." . . ..' .

, 1\p~n!Pt\whocollectsdepr ionstampsusuallyoperatesfroma psychalogieal position <1fl'm.no\.()\( 'IIUImanipulates others 1>}I,.playing a Victim role. This type ofpers<m is easily hurt hy """ualcomments and actually tries to get hurt in arder to feel depres.ed;

Playing Hruril!d affqrs an opportunity ..to collect d~pre~ia..stamps.' A Harried player eventually jristifies a seriaus dcpressjiJtl:and complete!:Ollapse: Berne d<$Cribes the tYPi~ hOusewife. whoplays this gam~

..'

. . .

. i ". ..' .'.

SM agre.. willt.lIe, hUSbl>nd'scriticism. and acc:eptsali hercbiiclren's dl!-.mands. If ~he ~ ,tQentcrtaio at~inDei'. shefiol-onl)'fed$ she ~,ultt.t.don impe~ably,a.s.a conver,..tiona1iit,chatelaineover,the househo14_a.dseryants;inte,iordeCOt:&tOr, catmr.:glam,o,"" girt, viI'gi..queen,; .~di:P\O~,mat; _$hewilta1s6 vol~teer tha

.

1 momin.

g'_to _bake

.

e a cake and takethe;C.bi~'

dren to.thedenlisllfdle alreadyfee,..~.he makesthe<la,y "";.morellOrriod. 1'ben in .he.middle of the IDet;IIOOnshe ju.ti~y ""Ua~.and nnthing gets done. !lbe lets down ber bushend. tbe cbil~ arid Ibeirgues.s, and hepelf'reproacbes add 10hormisery.Afte'tbishappeM\W!'

'!'~ee timts; her marria8ei$ injeopirdy. tbe~.hildren_~ eonfu~ ~e 1~

.weight. b~r hair. is un~iciy. her.facei~draw~,and her .shoes arescuffe~,[~~.,

-~

"Executives wh" p~y Harried say"Y os" to everything. vall!llteer1'1come early .lId wark late, take on week,end~S'!lDents dcarry work ho",e hi a briefc8se--perbaps even ~t"dy1'ng.it 0Ii ihecommui.er.bjIjI.Far a1"hi!e they are al\le ta a.ctlike s\lperman ar8uper'lVolDan.bUl,evelltuaUy theirappeara\Jai. 'begins ta ronecl'th~ir harried slale, TheYC\>IDeto war.ka bit disheveled.)'.rba~unahavell or \¥llh bIoodsh"leyes. Theyllri: unable tonnish thmwork. Theirpfiy*aI al\d rne\Jlal.health deleriarate,1'hey<:OlI~

.. ,. :~~r~;~~1:c~e':~~:= r;Kr~:;~~:~:nre~:;:;:"

hand. is bascidona replay ofoldmem...rytapes wbere ttie'child relt 1''''''.''less in ..lanon io.'bi.or her parents,14~ . '

" '5'0"'1'Col~';", aridGa;ni PlDying!

215In s~h a CIIS"the executive saves up enough purilY stamps to wardoff the ,"frivolo\,1s"demands of others. The ulterior message it, _-'Ifa person li~e me can be IhiS frugal. so can yoO," Byoollecting S(),much self-righteousness and humility; IheexeCutiv~ makes olhelS

,feel 10<>guilly or tOO fearful ,and in Ihis way wards,ofC,lheirdema,,~'

". ,"

. ,

T.he color, thai we assign to F'jchological irading stamps ).,0(, course, unimportanl, 'I;he,iJDportanlpoinl is the fact !hat psy~

logicalrrading sta'JIl" represenl anindulIience in \jrcb~cfee1iDgs.which are saved,np and, evenlu,ally:'re<feemed,"

""

('"e way people can gel in toUch wilh Ihe old ~elings Ih~ they' ,

keep reinforcina is Io!lecome 'toware,offeelings Ihal,see",jn~p-propr

,

iate,

in Ihe,SllUII

",

lion, "

Who,

n peo,

Plellbow thai thelt,"

feeb

,

'!Ijresponse is nOI tational,they maybe able 10 trace il bac~

'"its on'

',

gin. as Diana did in the following case, "," . '. '. , . .~.

.

C W...tr.Uci"

Diana deScribedhelS;\f asdepr dand ~.;xiouswhen .......

husband watched (eleYisioriinlh~venin& She saidh",f~""ingswere IIn~onal!le, ,becausein reality he worked h"'d,,waSresponsible al home,',and Wr,8devoloo to Ihei(IWO~

.'

",.

.' ,':.,'

,,-.\,.,.'

.

. .:.:. ".'

.".One evenin$! QVerCOmebyilepression, piana ,wenl I?,~~, 'bedroom to Iry 10 Irace her feeling' 10 their origin, USllig'" 'technique'she had-learned ,incounselirig, she beganby_c~ri-

'

f:ting 10 helSelf ~'OW.she, tcally fell, She Ih,en .skedhersejf.","Whaldoes 0 this remind me ol,?""When did.1r..ltliis way

,before?" ",

'

AftCr. few minutes, chitdhooil memone,ofher (athat'ca';'~'to mind. Wh.nililn~'were difficult fothim,hewilh\it~ i;>\Om".nl~iUneSS:This ,Wasm.pifesled by ~i. siiling fodrmg fie" \tiO<isqf \i",~inLa ~ajr.staring, btankly al nothing: W!i"Il'Diana's filher'beh.veal"lhis,,\,~y, she fe114ei>r~i0!1AA" '

\!len p.nic.V,

,,IWh,

"II,

sn~SI~~!lI,

o~abo~lii,h~m,

'0

,

1,1I

,

:or prole5\ed,"II'S lie\1erno~tOWka!1oul IhiitptiU !hat.tljust upsets everyliody," ",

.,',

[)i~na: ...pOrled th.le~peliencil!.itheoe'otdmC!llorit!s...painfi,J .nd p{Ccipitale4a torrenl of lears: tI0weve., she dis-

o coveredthil S1t~uen\ly sif" coUld.seeher hu&ba"dwatdt'

\

, 'BOli'" TO/l'I'",ing television ftom bis chair witltout experiencing 'be oldCeelinp tromher past. ,

"

,

..' The ~iI who:is iJI ~.proc;ess of ~mg a wiuner will

'. often ~,oddeto give up col~ negative $t8l\1J'"AndC!JI!Sci~y

,

<:o1l~JI>(d".,p.s-teoliJIgs of se\C-apprecialiob.lUthertbljat Ie-

~,l""itjveSl«lkes'~ say.i~ otcf1oserteelings,lhi;perso...~n~~,' '. ' ,

," '

216

".;/,',!

',I"" - .,,T~ JIv '81~""": Thai w",,'a lovelydiDner"Sally.

,,. Q!4~: ~,i!W8Sli't~.'.

· Nfil(~; ~kYoo.Smst.~bilimY~iy.,

,.'To;~. Sljlllulw:' naI estimateyOlim~dcfor tlje job 'r:;.'

In tact, it "'AI in d~1e yea must, b~1Ie

Old, 1f(,,;,n..: yei..w~~ bUI rm IIO~ ;t was!t'! Rib_bed

~};i","'::"~"'"

,I'~'~'i,;',.'~

,:',. '-.,',t .,"':;...,.",'\"

,-'~

r:;:' NftJ R : "'Thanp,:,r.n .p.e.w it worked OIIt'~ ~eJt.'''', ' ' 11miSht help lIS." more <:On1QlCtS.~"I'

" '"/",

'

, (..- ..,"

"

;"',

.., ..

",ro 'fI"e SlI._ ,'

" 'yoa~ ~\o WAI' jat the oOn.iert. "~~+:':'

, ,.. .O-~.. ..

~" ~:, . OI.R~ "I didn'tIhi~ I wasS<!bQt..

i" ,N(w~~: Oee. t~s.Gl.t4you liked i,L. 'r ',''qiving"'If i01~ st8JIIPS;"aki:s the Child te'd goOd. HOW~- 'r.. "cr, Ibey can ,be phony. A pcfllORwhoSe generosity with money is

r'

really.a bri!>e1o'~bll~ trie~d.hip is really Collectinga,_terteil,gold ~mp ,whicbgives. tempOrary or taIM"~" of p~n~

f; . ',' A pCfs:mwho basgained enough iJin~r'~pport ~ IOllgert"els a

f' ,~mpPIlM! nc,d.to,coIIed psy<:hol"Jllcallradipg '!1iJftPS'o!any'

f', .,=1r:;"~::';'~M~I~~r:F.::fr'~~t.;~~~"':~,"

.i<lId,Ha~f"ItOf..urainYday":.,eyu.1bi1cn. ~"",~,.:,",~'»"'''''''c': i':"','" ,'.

',': ,,';;';"'."";',.,~,,~,

,

Itt..,-

"

f

."".

'":"",.,

"

, ~

\ , 0' JtBDBilCP1'lO!\i .,;:..

'.

.:. "" '", ' "',,...

,.,:"'","

'" ':.<','"Y'.'~'.,

i.;. . .PSychoIOgil!alll'aainIlSlam~.feev.Uy ~in .~r ~~~.C," By tbi.~lilRe <Ifredemption:' ~many rescntftl~n," in conJlJtlCliOh

" ,

I.1

II

. Stamp COII«tlllg ~ €;ame Playilll 211

with this specialstamp collection ha~ebeer. $aved up that the per- .son feelsjustified.in a~ting (hem out. The process is . .

collectingStan1pS

-+ . growing ~resentment

jualifl(:alionfor behavior,

A person.rede.:ms .these .tradi~g Slalltps tltrougli self-injury.flunking a test, striki~ out at som«me, siUing and b~ooding"aad'so forth. A persoI1 who has been coll...in& gold stamps )IIayseeltfor .,~:hto improve his or ber job, 'iake a pl_urablevacatio...

_ m~e newfrietldS,!pa~up difi'erenceswith old ~ds; give liptdl!Structiver.laticinsbip, alld so forth, . . ..'

People a<;q1JireCOllectionsof difterettt sims and have di~tcompulsions as to when, wbere, an" how to redeem tbeir""U~,fionl Som~ people wait years to "",h in a single negaiive ,slamp,This was true' in Ken's ca5e,He recountej! how his !>tothercashedin aj)",!gei stamp ,thathe'd 'SIIvedagainsthim ror,m~y ycan. Q!ieday. at play,his older hrother had demanded Ibat he reDl~ve.apiece ofbrea,d .tram their'tpy raikoad track.,\ltho,\ghKenwasonly five,he had.stubboinly refuse,d.,Hisbrother. \hreat",,-ed. "I'llnever forget that Some day I'll really,geteven wi!hyo!'. "TJreir re-'lalionship was good until some twenty years later, when'Kencalled his brother for help wben,IbiS car broke down.out,in Ibe

.country, Although his'brother had hel~ him often before; ,thistime be "r,ot e~en" and cashe!!,itl his s P'With"N~lbis ti",e,Bd$ter, JUSI.remember the bread ODIbe track!" ',..,", .

" ,Some people collect the equivalettt of a page of .Is",ps iui4 tum,. them in fOTrelatively small priZeS-weeping in the bedroom, hav-ing a headache, throwiltga di$h, dropping a pie, dre~ing"dQ~!m .

.",

'

1

employee, spilling a file drawer, or mailing a'letter in the wrongeltvelope. For some ~"ple,'.the prize is somewhat bigger.

'

, .C... IlhaetratioD

AU day lo~ Jalle ~I(jwed bersmaU sOn to ,enter the h9'J1ie. wilb muddy feet She acted patient, clC"'!ed. up lite m6<Land '.,"l'nt him 9utsidea8'!in: Later, he colored ber new chair with a < ..crayolL Still withou~ showing disapproval, she moved I1jm to

'anQlbetroom and cleaned up the.chair, The boy coltlin,!edhis tTallS

.

gr"",.

' iO

.

ns ~ndshe continued (o'apcept them, final.

.y,at the enq of lite day, Jane had, "I1ad e1l?Ugh" (her page was

BOflNTO WIN .

fllUandil w..lime to !'Cd~emlIer<ioUIl<rtiOl\).~ berson

,~;:: ~~~~~~;:;~ rbnm~~:':e;f.IY

.~'§ome. peojitesave8everal'ix>o!"~ot8~p$ andtben teelj,,-,i-:. lied WbeDtb~dO ~c;blbiDg$D~'~car;tUDaw.yfrom>, I

.. bQl1l~IIIj1"'CtbCDi$d.~ 'QOtaslpte,~,a; ~~. elnpJoY"'l!1it.. .

.

1

a;job~ IIiO$t~'eded;"'v.; ~i{;8ftW."'I!O(~"

:

'.~~;=~~~~~~".Of ~ty. 01 divon;ie.Am.Q'iClf!iOUplt,~, XJINII!~

.1!1 y~ts dley~'QOII~C\f /b1'~dllriti&~ I'Itft.

~'to'aco~aseIP;f;,'.'.. "; ,{;' ." ". ~'e ."

','r''(,

'r." A.~'!l\aY;$IIY. ·,

'

, ..',t'

..

218

i'"'(,()(:

(:"... 'rr.n"~.$~e"dalll.lion. ",eiiit, "'that'Sthe 1,,1 stamp I'

,~"I'sCiftlelO Cdb. iot';". piiZew-ol'lh,of my <io~_." II,' .' . .,'

. ", ~

"

'~

"

81«",,_ CoIl«ti;ng IIIfIi GQIIWPltlyillJ _ 219

"'usually happens that this laSt stamp represents a smalllhil1s com-

pared to what f"lIoWs. ',

''

R~..IIIi!tS solds~ps may,be announce4 with ~ressiollSsuch as

'

-

"I'm ~y for a new challenge,""lfcelpKi ,(boutdoinsl\lis."

"~~g<>mgto as" tar Ii r- an41 IICt1ge!'it" ,

Tn 8WB4TsaI.TMB88Acnc

The uui~ Cbi\d ftcnwitb the Jiid<>filteUU\e Protes$or--stndsa~messase !di>thersinordcr to enpgethem in~. "f gam~ and sWIip collecting. Sendinssuch a message is:much"cweeringa.sip "n !>lie'sciu:st IUidis CoIIoqUiollyre~tredtoas !be

, ...dahllirl. This ~rDI wastakOD from a youth fad, o.tw.JOrin~'SWeatshirtSimprinted 1'Iithmessages. , , '

,

,

'P~le whost s\1i>ulders~. wJto whine and 10QIi~, mayw.- Iisweotshirtmess ihat..ys; .'PI DQn.tKi"'~'i'

I'm a Victim," their in~e messages give their BSSDdatesa,j:Omc-<IJI,either'l!> Put ~m dgwn()l to uytob"lp \heIn'"

Pe"ple who look widc4!)'ed and confu~ may also be playjnll'V4:!im,.weatins sweatsliirrs..Ying. ,"0.. WI!iz"what,canfoll ex"pect from a footlike J11&r',They"act" dumb aIId then can'l,\nd.r~

'

stand ,why others are e~asperated. ,,

,",

, A men wean!'11a tweedjackel with leather elbow patcbes.IeUi,inS hack ,in,his chair and looklllg sympatheticallyal hisvisit.n,w~ile casuallyli$bting hisJ1ipe may p'rojectaRescuer 'SW~,"",shirt, "You can tell me ,ollyoUf tr()ub\k" ",

""

- A men wMoCpwlswith his chin jutlin8 0111;w~ ...ub,,ahellV)', s~p. and direcrs inaccusin8fingcr toward othersw~aP~

tor sweatshirt, "YOllBe~rQo What ISay, ot Woe,"" '

"

'A \Y9manwho,'wearsa:rev~"!mt~t1uuors:~C1' .yt.i-..;,end wigle&h.rbips has on an ~I'm available" ,sw""tsbirt.SI\C,may want mentothinl\ she ... Resale them. Actually, she is aPersecutor with her favorite-~e otRapo.. Siie c.nplains like a

"Victim.,,"The women at the olf... arc a bunch of crabs, and the.'men arc alWays maflil\$

1' atm,e." .,'

,"

Other popular sweatshirt messages readily ob6crvablellrc' ',

220 BORin't! WIN.

1'18Qoingto Get Youlf You !;>on'tWalel! Oul

.Lea!ton..Me, 'I'm Ihe Rock of Gibraltar.

. Don't'Worry, 1'0 T~e(;are of You,- "

\

. Yo\l'Vo]oSI.GOIto I..9veMe

I'm Belter 'rhan, Y00 ..

. .Catch M. If \'90 Can

Keep YOJit Distance'"

. .I'm So Fta&\l. ..

.Oae "",mk,teporled h"viag~aI.w".~hirt:mcSs~SOtIIe

.Jao.. \lbvioos than o\Jl\>tS,Sbeal\8lyzedlbe frplit ofbet.w..~hln .aa1")jJ 'soGOOtiand re.~Oa..ahtb.ack."~.~,sI1e~ the "~. "Qo N~~urb.J May Nor DeSo Pllre;".()n~r~se. .,~tb .weatsh,in, tjUt(Im_ag~.whiehsbedettribed'"":~:YQo! (I IQvO'llomllllitybol~'t staa<lmy neish'1<>~~'~'1tIoItipl.Ja~t..lped IlerWl\h...,.\amp I1IIltei;t!onS;,w~.. forpori.ty an4r.d for ~8.Cr.. .' .. .,. ,', /~ JD~Werepartofber ~ptpallern, w~...J!ise-

I

!l\loIIIgpeopleIillo false ,!).\iJna!,ybyrlgllteouSlybell''''* tlltfilanlt(ty~,~l\lIqWIngtlJe!11at"diSlat!ec.'~theygot rop~. $lad; ...

'..woilk! s.,.itcband $ive 'tIIe!11thel)n,ub.'otTthroogb the os~!>r~

~'/'" "'

r,:~:~P;Fbf,by:u~ini_~1 ttaoirJ:op,ut.tio!ts \Vilh:8o~P.' 1'hi8-"~-ij, .: ~rve)'ljo'1('ftb..Betu'I"."..,.pm..h1'lsdcscri~.pelSoB...1.IQ

:;; '. .'J!laysthis'l!l1rileasfoUOW,'-.. . ,

i .The trsppe,. suckyou in I\lId&lve,youthe comt.oll. ""d..hon )'01/....~..

. s~ in, <!owncomesth. batdiot and you.""", thor.wilba /;\oodyDOH;. d. ~ wbtover. ADdifyou arc foal.oaou&!>to ram your head ~11h"

, . !Vall,",III):Ou 11eght,'" bleed an4bo .~perated;!I>O\I the bear.,...,., on~

~.".>. '.~

.

.

..

.h.i

.

lII

.'''''.

d.eliP

.Y"

.

.

.

th

.

.c6a~..

.~e.""<iverJ<j\l

.,Io~

..'

.

dCry<i

.

~:iriadC'

.'

.

.

'~. .q1IaIc;i~ and he-.itjciyshisvi<lorioUssd(~Jlich~aWtlorhis'.

r..bI W.*"".f8J.' ...

", :' :.,..'f:, '.

". '.. '. ... ":,>(,

'~".'"

I.1

I

'.1'

,.~~ IImag..o~.1'S ~-~.PPe~ t..I\"I!>~enli~in.~~.KJlJ$lihlftm ThI!y'100klike.nice ~. appear'IINi$IC'II.1II1i .

. JIOIi.tO.",,4 make pronii... (the !lait);. .".

.,':, ':.~. ,".'

"

:,. .

"

,', ,.,,':','

"

",

,":Yoo'U onli be \>0 ihis jo~ for a year." '.. '.,"

Stamp CollectingrmdGamtPI(1yiltr .221

'~Of cOurse, you'll be: free 'to do pure research.' ,

.. "You,'v~egot a greaffuiurt\bcrc.",

", I', L~ter; Ib.eIraI' falls'When the employe~ fmds oul thai the job is nOI

soiRg10 chan!!e, "pure" research means company-orienled, orthere, is no fUlure ..ith this orsanizlotion19~

. . , , . .. .

GAME~PLANE~ FROM THBdBIt;])B()OSTAn-

.',.'..' '..'

,,,.:..'

.:.'.'

,:.' .'.

'Wh

,

eng,

am,

~sa,

repiay,

'ed Ii'?~ th

"

e (:;IIiI.fts"O$tal~'

"

,¥epet:$Oll,

pl!'Y,

's,,,:the~ to'reinfon:c life pi)$Iuqns &lid $0 advance hill or herscnpl:, Games are \lsu#!lyplayed from the PerseC!ltOrorRe~uer roles to

~inforce a negstive pi)siti()na~ulolhers, YoU ~ nol.OK()'O!i,1\CCd10be punislled!'lt teSCU~d);()ames ~ played from the Vie,limrole to reiOfpKe a negative position aDOUtCllesetf. rill, not.OK (I need,you to,pllnish me Or f!'~ue me)"Let's,examine,!!,e!Cgames,

"'

"

,

Name of the,oame Pllrpo$e: lo'prO\l<O,

"Blamil\g others<'f'

, Savingoth....

Findingfaull

Oetting even

~rovokingpllt ~s '

"

If!1 Weren'jfor'YoII'

SeelVlJal You 'Mode M. Do

J'in Qnly Trying,10 Help, You

Whal Would YouDaW/lhOuI Me

B!emlsh, Corner

You're na"OK

You're nol.OK

You're nQl-OK....

,',P.qpo , Y oll'renal-PI<"Nw l'~~Got' You~

.,,\ . .

Yau 8.'0:B '

Xlck Me$Iup!d

,I'm not-OK

,

.SldmP OH/«;'", tllfd GIInw Pftlying,

..:tHB "YES, BtiT>~GAME .'

.

Th~ $am.islik.ly to be Ye.. BUIiflhe .cbaitpcrson in"'bn~e.. .1IIcclingpresents a problemall<\ tIIenshoo.tscion .uSUsgClltollS,if'!pril\Pip;\l <\oest/l.sen,teWi\b teac!lerUI afac\l1ty II\ClCling.ita,w!'ftI"'" rejects all the be.lpful suggestion. i/ven by her friendS.

.People whop!ay ,es. BUI.m,ainlaiillbeposition ''}IIoliodts Joing

..;~~:~~O':~~I~~:;"~~~~~e:::y~~';:~yl~ &0111IIII,ag&1~t&,eil' parMIs. (You are n9!,QK); }

. ToWII/l~ tbispm..~"e PlA!~pte'senIs,!~mintb,eIUi8e' .c\ff91iciting a<lvice fl'om one Or more ot1iei~layers.1f.1\ooIiecl.lhe.. .olln;rp"y.reclvi.~"Wby do,,'t you. . . ," The.initiatOr!!,..,'.. .

.~.u su~li<I"swJI\I, "Yp..bUl. . ."j1:>IICIWe4.by''reasm.!.'','\','"why the advl!'!' wnn'~.wort.EventuW1y; thci WhyPDII't..Y... 8!I<.:i,

. vice-glveifglveup/In<\f~ sileal.Tbis~ .Ihe:pay"ffof 111 11\.to ,':,.( ., pt<Ive:lhe' jlQ$itlill1"'~fO!.ls C.'I T.I'~~ ~hl\rg."'. ,

'.,' .',., i.:'.,.. .n~sp$.etl\eCbild "I\pokt~l/leNurtii~~I\I. '.,in 1I!00,Cbcip1aY~ .AltboQPtltetralls8clioils~ ap~ to.~

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"""Gonw Playi., . 227

her SODby ")'ills. "V ou look lit'e a girl in that outfit. No wonderthe teachers.don't lit. you." '. . '

AJlholl.sl! Bemo deacri~ UprfIQTas a pm. played by 1W0peo-- pie io.avoicl ~ iutim~, varla1lJiDSo(U".,...:~ played iD

'offk:es aaiI ~ T,i;fnilial 'attaek: which aIIv coJItaiIU a'cIiJcoIlDt,Dli8/Jt'~: .'.

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s~:.~at'iltbiiJialte~w;thYO\l'~.YoIl~~

(10J4Iespenoa) , II'~ the 11MpriJlti,nUteCOItu:iet?-. '.". +:>'. ,'" '," .'.1" ""'.'.' _'

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IhoDl~ form of di:fen8iVtstatein~nl'is mlllle in.response ~~oIt!'.tack; tJie fisItt i. 0II::nie' Payoff ",,_when tIie'd.IettW,~ ..

~p in.angry. frUst,*~od ~cI ihet"'~.stamr a...~fto... ~ ~~ ;.,

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~'a.nd,ll1. teeDl!g.daughter, botJi might seek out mottier to 1!O-d\!I.,j... intJi.iralJlt"l<D1+ CQ/l~ is played witb t~or 1\11)~',

.".

p1~-Th."'-'WbOpiaYCriU'/tf!fJmfrcqu""iIy.oitfth~::wboill ebi\4lidOd1~ bowto ii\anipul l1thoriCytl$u «!.(..id<;~~..niI~!Ie ~!beilppjl<>l1tI\ts. TIi.ir~do,n.iS} ,I.DlQK,you.reROt.()~.;1be ~ ~I.s arcp~litT, cleft~~j~..*'.lI\etim~.ther"'i. a J"ry-,-1hechikIrtR,.0f'f/CCktalf,' '.'petIOIIIlel rm... bqard..or.~h.tever.

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M8tI;i.clCOU\>ltsol\<D!aItf lb~r,"cA$.7to a~~tojll~;,..crtC!>~~I\I.Y tUl'.,I!Ieir8fli!V~,I;O;tb.bossor.!" 1fIOse!ll...t~~;~f#i~~~~t , tiIk"t~.pi"";'. ,

'!"!# li!'IfIe~,~yr ~ At,,~e~.Eacla ~u1IH!'!2$Ototlle~ti~,hOPiIl!""'t't,nc'oIbeI-)iI'iII he j~edpoll!)",' C / '. > .; ,; . ...'.

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.i\Viifas{tllOinliff:

. .. .J'Y., ,alwftJ5 . been,. "'#\11 about,

"money. 'fIi.n he ""erdraws t{lCI;heck.',

booI!; 5O~OW we .c.n't ~ay our, bills;. .

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be," ",h<>'1i';',1iidd~nlO\)wclI /!lay C9l1gh ilr 'drop SOII!cthing as. due tQlbe "<;:op." .'

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mjll)" t,ole..rc,adve behindQr tQ*,mJl1iiiInn~v~n~ .

or"a~daIi$1ILTIle '~I!W' is ittdq!ling Chili! ~clin)S ~ C<jm,.,r:~~~;(I~~~~"f::~=::~:~~'.<.'

.lcavu.nQ~u. beIIil!d.i~Qids..n~~!.ncc. ~~'nQI'.:in!<in<llO'f,cI~.) 'I,. ",,'/";.

Tb~d~iC$;ofC"" a#d~I'!lii..mj"'I9~() pIIJ~1AA!,":,eomjllern...t~~,Q~t"Now1'we Gpt)'o",.fl>!f.S;~.B.Ii¥~tt4}'

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_ Stanip Colf«ting It,", Gimfl!Playing,

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,

, EXPERIMENTS .,\NJ>.EXERCISES

'Whcn~y,eryou make,a mOVe toward autonomy. old, fceUngs may I,

re",indyauafhaw yau"Used 1,1'be." Being aware afhaw,you feel._ even ifi!, doesn'1 seem ralianal.sives -yall a' thanee lochanc~:_

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1. Your Btani. ColleCtIon

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~.Some, feeliit~are geo.i/ne all". relevanL' However. If~,! ~x" .>Idt yaurfeelings;lf Iheyare inappropriate to t!te "uneftL$il-

tions, yau are saving stamps, 1'0 di$(;over\your.;oU!'QIioII..cOnsidert\1efonOWingqueslions. ,.' ': "",'oln childhaad wh~itlhlngs werelOush;eril<it!6ns high. oHroll"

hle)Vas bie",ing, hl'w did,you uS\I8Hy feel?'

. ..,.What did yausee. hear.arinlui~ \hat causell youtafeet IlIa\!:waf!. """ ' .,~ "(;:""

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o Whal fe.lings (stamps) da ydfi:experience mosl colnUli»llyd' '

a'grawn-up when lhing!,S<> ~rang?Fear? U1adequao/l"An~r? Guill? Helplessness7Anx~y1 Whal? '

,,' . .,

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.,'.'.. ill, Whal,kinli of siluatian dOes. this aid (eell'!8 emerge? I.!!

, similarII' a childh~-sltualian? ~'.", ",", ,

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.00 yoU cash in your stamJ1$ freljuellliYby indul~t.in a 10.11Isull\?Blowing aftsleam~Ha.ving a trying jag?' OJ)~s,~n,,binge'! Overdrawi1'\g yauf accOunl? t;;xplaliingat S\Cinlepile?

. Do yausavey~rsla'mp. for:abig coUecliQf\?," "

,o'ifyau aren~ collecting. ~QW9oYQOiljlend'1O c;;,.h Ihemin?,

Da yQD have a prize ill.f1Iind? ". '

,

' ,.Where dO YQUredeem ypur Slaf1lPS?' -,

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o:PQ.y'!u!1<!lledlheminQnes'e\1/n.and re(ieem Iheru.i",,()I~..er;~9rex~lnpl~, colle<;!al work ,aIld .c~h-inat bo~~

",

."The follbV(litg.~x.rci... will help youi,nlegtate speci1icre~!"...'

lhal w~re condllioneli in Ihe p~SI.a1'\\lare b<.thetsOmem,tbe

~--_

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. . ~ian'lrCQ//t!CIing 1I~ GtiIJ'.t!PlaYing' 235

. ~ook at. yourselfin a: fIIJI-lengt.h mirror.pxamine~ow youappeu: front.,'rear,sideways. .

. .' "'. .

· Slarta clOseexaminauon from !he IOporyour ~ad 10 the. base of yo,,\" neck. See your skin, feat.ures, and ~air lISdley

really are. .." .

. Now ""nliDue on doWn 10..your. IOeS,. . ..Does !he image youcarryin your mind lit with ~ ~.iil.)' You

.see?Not.icea1lythin8~u hadn't. noticed ~re? Does it.Rl8JI;ey~ufroWnorsmile~ '. .....

~. ~,y~~=nO:a:J.;~::;,)?ehild-:or doyUuknoww~.rou.

Next., inwhat. afeasdo yo.. aef inaj:lpropriat.elydependent. 0.-helplc:ss? . . ... ....

. . Willi 1I10n~y?Making decisions? Driving? Seleet.ingdOdtes?

What.?'.. .'.'

. W-idlw~omdo you adhelpl~s? Widl whom do)'!.>"ad COlliS."peIet1f! Why die.ditTerenee? . .'

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. ,','. What. ad,vantagef do you have tlYaeti.ng helpless? Does it give

yoI' ""~trol ovetSOIl1_? Do.. it."...Vt" ~ou from some-'thing?' . .'

.. . '; .'

Ifyouar.lc.verlY ~nd~1jt uPOI\ot.bersfor support.. ;magi".Iheopp<>sire,visualiZe yoorself in a situat.ion)Vit.hDdlera wlto .are able t.odepend.on you, 'Oil t.his for short periods ever aweekt-s time. ' ".WheR you feel re~dy, do ~ a<omall way wh~t. you have imag:

.

ined yourself doing. _ . .".-.Then

t.'Y your CORlpet c:i.. on a larger seaIe.:t. ry out. a DeWskill, ~1"'I.teer t.ohelp ia communityl'robt plan awe.k-

. - eDd,'exeul'81<1n,mak.ea lIeclsion lhat.has been haogiJ\S over. ' YOllrhead, dO~lI)et.hing fOf)'P rself that ydu've aJways let

"t.hera do for YOll.. . . . .'.

i\.

Perf«ti/ll..

,.

'If yOn I\Jssundulyover details at.work. youra.r; ~1"th~.IiIes,d..k; theyard,'1iIe house, et.<:.,make'IIP an txercise dlat. exag-gerates your eompuisive perfeetionism.

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'. 1"236, BORN rc WIN,.far example. if yoII try ta have everytlii"g perfoct,exaggera!!'_your movements,i.e., russwi~ tl}e dust. str~ighten and fCt-

"

, ,$1t'lightcn the papers an, yaur desk:' "

.,y erbali~ as 'l(el1'as act 1')11yallr sympt\1""'''Sce bow perfectI am, ! adll\irt ",.becaIiS~ !'m~a perfecl. I can .xnuratpC?-Jl!el>ecau~rlJt S<?pctfcct.N\>\>a~caa put m. down, I~",so

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, : :his e~e-:~ exa88eril~~Yi!urbehilviar,' '.' '. . '

, ,<CQnsia.r,theie 'I~ons:'

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'~Whatfeeiinp dOl, ttvoid.bytryil1g W act per(ect? ,,-~,I{ow.dQe...pe;~#on~maffeetm~"use.;clill!e'!( ,'"

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'-Sl':''!y y,\>!'{rate catefully. w~ do y6u 1001:like h.n fi1u'r.:,

'

depressed. ,: ,,':" "

~ N~": look al your.i,ntl\'C"booY. !'law .r~ youh~ldi~W.

,shollldet'S,.yaur blln:ds,YOU(a,*,mcn, ete.?,,,' , :, .

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eN\>w ..sgg.rate your Jymptams af depression.

'.Fhsl. exaggerafe' Your facial ilnd bod» expression."i,..

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.'Ify\>u tend II' witlidraW'lIIldsulk, curt up in,a,baH, cover upyourhead,'Stjcl(.a,J1 yoilr lawiir!ip. anl1suik, in'. big WilY,'

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. .,i;xaggerale ,any sy~pla", 'you're ~w,art :of, .".",

. Now ~m. aware~f bOlvyallr bOd'yfe,!~ ,when depre~,.

,"tryon fednp tl,ihl,ai~t1d Yw~s~a~lder$~n4n~ck,ttY,t():I1is.

c()V~twh.lher i\re tenseness ISr~lated ta a paru<:ularpel'l\OD,'.

Stomp CoIl«ling andGa""

Playing 231

. Ifit is, say softly, "(Jet off my back." If this phrase "f,;!s," sayitlouder and louder, increasing your power until you arc shout.ing. ..

Now askyourself<

. What else could I do with this time if I weren't silling here.feeling.miserable? '

N~xt, ~everseyourdcpressi~n symptoms. ..If your eyes look sad, your month droops down or something<simihtrf reverse youf.expressioq. .

, . If your head is hanging low and your shoulders are drooped,raise your head high and pull your shoulders back. ThrustYOUf,chest forward and say. UI am notrcsponsiblc" for every.thing and everybo,dy!"Of_'~I'mOK." .

, Fear

Sit down and think of all the things or ,people 'you're afraid of.Write a list of them.

'.,.Take your"listand'im,agine being Cbhfronte'd'with each ,item

on your list. One ~ a time.;.Exagge'rat~ the experience" (~~era11, 11'5only fantasy);

. What's the worst thing that. could happen?" ,

. How wouid you cope with the worst? .

Now try the opposi~e ~eeli~g of fear-tietceiress.

. Look fierce'enough to make - someone afrai~; of you.

. tv10ve.aboutthe room being fierce toward objects in the room.,Feel your power when being fierce. .

Now switch back and forth, first exaggerate y<,>~rfearfulru~:ss(be afraid of all the objects in the room), and then exaggerateyour fierceness., Did you get;any messages? If your fear is of aptfrson you know, pr,etend the person is behind you., ,

-..How do you feel? ... .\.~rurn this person into' a huge bear or some other frig~tening

animal. Now how do y.oufeel?. '

.',~

"

,238, B.o~N TO WIN..In y()l1ffantasy world,look around (or something1hat wou!d'pleast this animal. T~m calmly and_do something good for this

Ifierce creature. What happens? .',

If you' are botheJ"Cd with recurrent frighleriing dreams' thatsoineone or something is chasing}''''', toll yourselfthal the nextlime you have such a dream; you will turn and face youradvJr'sary. Remain ConIi~ent and calm. You will be in contrOl dftllesituation. ' "

.'. ,.' - .',

". Now in fantasy ima:Pnc YOJlrse1fchasing W',

ivh6ll\ever,

Q<wb,

!II'ever'frigh\enCd you in the dre8R1' Visualiu yoursel( as beingbig and-st",ng.

,

"'". "

Guilt' . .If}'OIIfrequendy feel guilty, it i..1ikel)' thai you ~ pllniSlringyours<:lf.Imasine yourself in a courtroom. V"" are on trial.Look the ,scene over oare(ully. .

. Whir is at the trial?. . Who is the ju..e?.'.If there is ajuiy, whl! i. onil? . ,

.Is there someone there to defend you? To prosecute (~cole) }'oo? , . '

,

,. Are there obseivers?lf SO,What d9they want lhe veJ"<lictlobe?", , .

. Is theve;dict guilty ~r ~Ol guilty? If guilty, whalls th~ puriltltt.ment? ,

''

.:NOW defend yourself. Speak '\!p 'on your own bellall"'

IfiD your inlier dlalqguc you play a se/f'torture giI!IIe"tweenyour Parenl as judge and your Child as defendanl. be these twopo1ariti&,usingthe twoow...

".

. ..' '. '.," ;,.',

.. put theju,,*" (top-d<!gJon one 8IIdthejlldged (under.doIOall,the other. SI8ft your dialogue willi an _lion. TIter\;switching to die ,other cl!air, present your defeAse. '

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., If YOU,feel guilty during your Ove~y,.divit.ies. steip a', .:moment 'and verbalize your top-dog andJlnder-dog innerdialqgu...

,.

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. ,Stamp CQlltc:ti"gand Gamt PIf1)'lng 239

Now consider the questions:. Do you frequently apologize and/or look guilty to avoid re-

sponsibility for your actions? .

'. Have you been trained to coUeet guilt stamps, or a~e you real~'Iy guilty in some significant waf! .

If your- guilt comes. from a "crime" you have actually commit.ted against another or from an important thing you failed to do,ask your1elf: _

. Wha.t is this burden doi~ to my life in the prese~t1.. . What am I doing to others becauseof it? Is there now some-

thing I can do to rectify the situation? . . .. If not. oan J learn to accept this as past history, which cannoi

be changed?. ..Have I ever seriously cOnsidered forgivingmyself1 What

could forgiveness mean in my life? .Sometimes, talking .bout it helps. Seek Ollt someo". who is a

. good listener, who will not betray your confidence, whowillneither condemn nor condone Jour behavior. Talk to that per-son about it. .

Forgiveness .may' be easier if you "make it upu in some waytow;ard someQne who needs' a second' chance or ,a helping hand.Involv.ing yourself in cor.recting some of society's injustices mayhelp yon as well as society. Don't play the role of Rescuer, beone"! . - ,

A ~x;ety

If YOll frequently experience allxiety, ask yourself:. Am I deStroying the moment by concentrating on ehefuture? _

.Am 1 anxious because of eX!1ggerating it problem or procrasti4nating']

".'.Is there anything I can do now to allay the anxiety-firlish a

report, make a Iist, retutIT.the book, call that person, .tudyforthe exam, make that appointment, desig!1 an outlin~, finiohthat cleaning job?

.

Next; try ~ "now" experience. It's difficult to be anxious !f

,

'

2AO BORN TO WIN

, you'rduny in Ihc hcre anoll.ow. FocllS your complctc at!cntiolt !on lheexlU/fiJ1 wodd. (See Excn:isc 8, pp. 177-118.) ,

:.Tunc in yool ~. Becomc aware of !he sigh... soWlds,I

' ocIon_d you.'".VcrbaIizc in a li.tcral way what you CJlpcricnce. Start your

llatcrncnt wilh "H"", aod now,{ am aware. . . .~ ,

Next, ,foeIq)'Ol1r ,OOmP.leICatlcJ!tionoD yo;'" in~naJworld., . TUllc in to Ihc 'world, of your body~your akin, lIIusclca,

tJIin&,1iearIheat,cte.'

' " ',',', '

, .A.pin verbaliZe statclllCDISwilh "Here and now I am aware.. ",. ,.

.'~

After cfojng~ for a few minutes" askyour.clf:. DidT,* somcof my-.es and not otbcn1

,

· WbOaIf~ on my body, did I i~cettail1 ~ofit1, (In 11ais,CltJlCriDlcnt ...my !*>J>1cignorclhc fact th&\1hcy

bave §!niJa\saodexttctory organs.)".

.{fyou fiodlllat,YI'u havc liot lISCd,aIJyO¥'"sea~ ,*ba~ beenWIII!,arc of pans of your bod)'. rcpea\ the ""erase; payingsP""WaUerttion to Ihe ignorClfareas.

'

,

. Eaoh time 'yi>lJfeelYi?u~ becOming atUjo baVC.a no,!"experience.' , '

...

Anxiety and bieathingdifiroUtty go together, When 'you be-mll\C amioIu, pay attention to y<Jurbrcalhing.Petis suggests!he followingexel'Ciie:

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, Exh8Ic~y, ~rIrftVe_Thoa b...tbc~y,~...reQCII1<<ilh., twithoutrorcins-c...)'OI1

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,

'iII your,

~ duria&liIbaJarion?Callyou reelthioiI1~soIIIy -0'""JIll oIft\le IIODIIicbaa!I ,tbepclvil? Call your... your ribS expand Onyour sides aa!I 1NOIjOotbe Ia._ QCyouru.-.: youi jaws;

',!hecIos11Ieof tbc Pay attontion eIpociauy totbe IiPtn... or themIdri/T(cIiapbrip). Coacenlralc oalb...1etUioas aa!I allowdCYeIop-

(14). .' "

'.

Siamp C"ll«ting Qnd GQWWP/Qying.. 241

The next time you feel e~citement over a person, situation. etc.,b=me aware of your breathing [15]..Do you hold your breath?.If so, what are you holding back?.TI)' breathillj\ more .deeply.

Anger

Jhe desire to hurt and des\roy others often accQmpanies feel-ings .of anger. . '. .If in childhood yoUfrequently fell angry toward a parent figureand currently collect feelings of anger against your .,.,..spouse. fellow employees. teachers, stlidenlS,.etc.,

.tl)' role-

playing. 'use the chair technique.. Imagine ~e person who bothers you sitting opposite you. Say

aloud how angry you are and why.. ..Become aware of your body's response to your anger. Do you

restrict or hold back wi!h some part of your body? aenellyour teeth?Fist? c:olon1ExaggeratCyour restriction.Whal doyou discover? .

.

. When you feel ready. reverse.your roles and be lhat person.Respond as if Ibe o!her person were actually !here.

- Continue the dialogue. swileliing back and forth.. If you strike a phrase .thal fits or feels goOd.snell .. "Stop

\tying 10run my life St~phurting me," "Stop embarrassingme," "Why didn't you protect me?" re~t the phr_ sever-al limes, each lime louder and louder until you a,e reallyshouling. : .

Next. stand on a sturdy stool. Imagine the person toward whomyou feel anger is cowering beneath .

you.

.l.ook down at this person and state what you are angry aboutand why. Say alllhe !hingSyou've always wanted 10say andnever dared. .

. .. .If you feel like changing posilions, do iL

'242 , B08N TO WIN

Some people need s,afe melhods for dispelling their anger phys-, ,ically.This r~quires a "Ielling go" (16).The following exetcise is

only for Ihose in good physical condition. "

· St,and by'a bed or a sofa, raise your arms above your 'heael,clench your listS, arch your back, Bring down yO'~r lisls andpound. Increase your force. Make noise":'gn.rn~ groan, weep,scream. As words emerge, say Ihem oulloud. YeltExhaus!

, yourself.. .. .

". When you C<1me10 Ihis point of e><hallSlion\Jr relief, lie,down,and,tune in 10,your bo<Iy and 10 your feelings, Tak,e ,at leastliveminules. What do you elistover?

"

. As a vr.riationtry beating on a punching bag or shad",wbOxing, ,wilh strong movetilents. Make sounds with y",ur movementS.

R.son'"",nl,;

'",-'Any negative SIamI'collection!s usually accompanied by feel.

ings of r.scntmept. .Resentmenl is often a "demand thai liIIotherpersonful gullly" [J7]. '

. , ."

'

When yop bccoll1C' aware thai your resentmenl is grOWIng, han'dIe ,each silualion as it occunand with whom il oceUn ralherthaqCOlleclingand holding your feelings and perhaps cashing'Ihem in for a ~ig prize or on. an "inn<>cent"penon. '

,

. TI}' 10talk the problem o~erwith whQever isbusAins you.

. When you. alternplth\s,avoidaccusinB Ihe olher.

. Tell the other,penon bow the situalion is,affeciillg you; \,lie

thepronourtUI" instead of an accus~Ltive.'you." (fbr~x~m-pl.. "I don't like smoke; it bOlhersme,"j\lstea<:\ of "You'rereally Ihoughlless the way you blow your smoke around,").

.'

, .- ".

Ify<lu are in a family group,ll}' lOestablis~ re..nllnenland ap'preciation sessions. To bee/'fective the procedure has definite'rules, to follow: " .

. .Bach, 'persOn in 'Iurnverbally Slales Iheresenlmelt/S'Sheor heholds against the olhers. (It Is imporlaht Ihat lhe otherjlistenbut 40 nol'd./.nd Ih.mulvu. The slatemenlS of resentmentare to be tet oul bur not reacl~dlo.)"

"

,.After resentments have been stated, each pCnon lells the olh.ers 'what is appreciated aboul them:

/

S'amp Collec'ingand GIIIM Playing 243. When first learning how to conduct this kind of sessioD, do it

daily. Latet, after it can be done with ease. do it on a weeklybasis.

'

In some. working situations resentln~t and appreciation ses--sionscouldbe ...ful, ,P"rlicularlywh.r. peopl. worktog.th.r

'

clo..ly and personal IrritatiOns occur .asily.

"If it is tri.d, all m.mb.rs sh~uld agr.. to 'a trial period-saytwo months.

" At the .nd of this p.riod th.IIS.lUln... of th. procedure could, ,be r.-evaluat.d. If the participants d.cided 10conti,nue, th.ycould' d.cid. on adaptations anti .stablish r.gular iontimes-meeting 'on~ every two or three weeks Or wh.a~evers.emed practical. '

Other Feelings

_ If you have a both.rsom. f..ling that has not been d.alt'with inth.e previQus ~xercises,

.

. . Exaggerate your symptom-mo~ around, make. sounds" look'at yourself. '

-K.epin touch with yout body and .xagg.rat. your bodyreac-lion. .

.

. Reverse yo~r feelings and experience the. opposite.

- D.v.lop a top-dog/und.r-dog. dialogu... Assume some responsibility for .your own feelings. For exatn-

pl., inst.ad of saying that "it/,h./h. d.pr s m.;' say, "Iam allowing mys.lf 10 be'd.pr.ss.d,"

3. TraciDIL Old FeeilDII8'

The ne~.t.time you are aware that you baveoverieacted or react-.d inappropriat.ly in a situation, try tracing your f..llngs back10 the original scen." (18).

',

- As soon as th. situation oCCUrs,ask yOurself, "What am I f..I-ing right now?"

,

.Dia~ (p. 215)usedth!s technique.Y o:u may wish to review this case

_ 244 BORN TO WIN'!.Is there another feeling under the surface feeling? Anger

. under the guilt? Fear under the hate? Helplessnes~under the, anger'].What does it remind you of? Whe", did you feel this hefore?.Go baclt to the original scene..

.

.Where.was it?

. Who wl\5 the director?.Who were the characters?

. What role. were played? . .

. !i.owdid you feel?..

Role-play the Scene i(you have other People to work with, Ifypu don't; try to.act out the variouspttrtsyourself.

'

,.

4.Your Sw..~.hlrt M_apa'

.

'?oYou send,~ple.messages1hatcause them to SaYlh~tyouar~

"

.. .

as-'wiseas an,o,wl, ~',sna'k~)nthegrass,. _ a wolf,proud as a .peacoclt, a skunk,. hen-pecked, .stubborn as a mule, stupicj.tstrongasan ox; .

.little more thana stua. a.poor fisb. . an old crab.'<tazy as a loori. . sly as a fox... : happy as a .Iarlt,snealtyas a we~sel,. gentleas.a Jamb.or .

clumsyas a bll11in a china shop?.

.. If so, how do. you give the~ this impression? What pdslure.

facial expression. 8estu~e.tone of voice..etc., do you use?

Now.a~k at least five otber P!'ople [191howlheywoultivisuarizeyou as . .

acoldr; o country, . a kin~of food. 'musie.,",,'fOl11ousperson. \ .. kind !>fweathet, kind of ,do~.

partefthe body. articleofclc>thing; a type ofliterature.a piece of furniture, ', . .

"I ., ~., .

After gathering the above feedback. study it. Then considertb~se. quest~ns:

'.

!

S/amp Collft'tlnJ!, and Game Playing r 245.What messages .do you send others to cause them to see youIhis'way?.which of these messages are come-ons? PUl-offs? Put'-downs?

.PO' you have a colleclion of sweatshirts tharyou wear differ-/ ent places. with different people?

'.',/'

I '. Are t~ese the messages _youwanl lo send? If not, what could

/ . you do differently?

"5. Script Check List

Rea<l the following quickly, Write in the first thing that comesto mind. Then go back and fill in the1(!anks after furtherthought. Work on completing the checil"t1st [20) as you ,finishthis book.

'

. Rate how you feel about yourself amr" olhers most of the time.

I am OK'.

I am not-OK

Othersare OK'

Things I feel OK about _

Things I'fed not-OK about~

Other>arconot-OK

--~-

Now rate,yours~lf in reference -to.sexual ,identity.

I am OK,..(male/female)

Men are OK, ,

I am. not~O K. (male/female)

Men arenot-OK'

Women are OK Vlorne-n arenot-OK

My Sweatshirt message.,My Stamp collection .

, Th~ ways I cash in my stampsThe basic l1lanlpulative tole

(Persecutor, Rescu~r. Victim)Complementary roles of __,played by my

246 B()RN TO,WIN

P"""rite games I play:

as PerseculOr with whom?

as Rescuer with wh01"?

.. Victim with whom,

Kind of scrip!'(lX>DsUuCtlve, dcsl1'uctive, nonprOductive)

Sorlpt theme

.Epitaph if curtain fen noW

Type of drama. .(farce,tragedy, melodrall11l, sag&; <:omedy, etI::)

)\utliencc r,c,sFO"¥'to my drama.

.

. . ".. .' (applaud*<!,bon:~ awed, tearful, hostile)

New s«lpt if desired

.N~cpi'tap~ If wanted

Con!m~ with self for new script

,

,

9

The AdultEgo State, ,

'

Man"r1nind stretched 10 Q netyideanever goes ~k .to its originaldimensions.

'

Oliver Wendel(Holmes'

People ofte,n feel unable to get out of a distasteful or unhappy sit-uation. They assume-they are t'rappedin ajob. in a community, ina marri~ge, family; or a way of Hfe. They dO"not see the alterna-tivesof looking for a new job or. improving the one they bave, ofmovingQut of the community. of changing their marriage"pat.terns, of break.ng off a re!litionship, 0<ofloving and discipliningtheir children more effectively. They limit their perception of the.problem, not seeing possible options or an obvious solution. Theyuse one narrow "approachand repeat ,this approach over 8;ndovereven though it obviously doesp.ot res'Jlveor change the situation.

THE BASH TRAP :PHENOMENON. - . .Sometimes" people's reluctance or refusal to look at thctOtal sit-uation, results in their avoiding. the obvious-the obvious,diagno-sis, solution. escape route, dc.Berne refers to avo.~dab.ceof the ob-v;ous as a "bash trap." When people are caught jn a bash trap,they compulsively continlle \0 bash themselves against the sa.nesituation. Theyar. much like a goat bUlling its head againSt a rockwall, wanting something on the other side b~t not observing thatthere are ways of getting there other than 'headebashing. They ex-pect that if they.just keep crying harder and harder, they will .

somehow break throllgh the baITier and gel what they wantPtople causht in bash traps often express themselves verbally

with statements. such as,; '.,24H

,, 248 BORNTO WIN ',

ul push and push and nev~r g~t ,anywh~~.»

"Day after day f f~1 as ifl'm hitting my h~a4 against a brid<wall." '.

, "I'v~ trioo,fQr y~ and ~'t get anywh~re.» ,

"1'vetQld that kid <Werand ~vct and can't SC(througbJl>.him.'.. '.

. ,-,- .'

.

'..-,

'A ~~it wbQ Strengd1ens,th~M"'[I'J<>~~tc,,,,,,, ~p bash'.~;~~~n~~~1'::;.~i~t~~'t=Qtij~tiv~poiJ1t"foo;. usmgth~flill~I7Oftbe A~Dlttolc$!realitY,lC),scek'altcm,ati""sointiQIIS,.tocstbnidJO~nc:cs

"QC,~achalt~rltativ..aBd 10 mak~ a chOic:C. . ','

THE ADULT BOO STATIC'

EvC/'X<>nchas,anAdulttgc>statc; aA4unJ.s.the brain is severely~d, everyone is ""pabl~Qf ~ ,Ai\ult"'ta'~"\18

. abi/jty. The often ar~ qU,.nOf qiaturity venUSiJIIIt!.atUrity'. " isJmlevant in'$h1JCturalaftaIjIis.What illcalled "Imsnatnnl~ is

'-fhi)dllte ~baviot ~habitl!8l1y, Bn4inappropriately: ,,""TheAdult ~gostat~ ~uHd to reason; to evaJ~ltstiml!fi, ,topther,teChnical information. and to store this,infonnatiODlOrfU-,t1ir~~fere=.' It also "'hl..a~tQ,.<UNive ~tIy

<' andtQ "",_ $elec:tivdnmaking responses. B~cl\8ys.the.'. Adult is

,-- ',' - '.{

.' ". . .~ iAdepu~' set of feelings..auIt~ and behavior P.altetllsduotm,adap~ 10the CUJ'l"iIIre8Iityand affected by _tal prejudi' ",

""'Of aic$itudes ..1Io""r from,chUdbood... ,the AdultIIthe...~.. wlfichmates,sum"'" poI8ih...[I] . .

, . --

" '. ,prin<ipally CiOIICCIJIedwith transfbnniDg llimuli, inlD pieceS of bJfor',~. 8nd~g8nd,liIiagduotinfl>multionORtbe bOIisof~

'\!XpIIrien..,.121'

.

"'

,.

. . ,_..rned";;ththea~...J""'~.andl"~ordata8ndtIIe iliIgof poohabiIj1iio$...~r;;;"oction.I3J' ,"

, .

>' ".' '.' .' .-

. . ~adalitahle, 8nd;.".1\' ~ is,eXporim&:edai "*'"tiYt"laIi(>Oshipwithlbe-.Da1~b.,.;J ..__.._.....ityl~.11-(41 ,.

II!

. 111~Aduh EgD Stal~ 249-

Reality testing is the process of checking out what isreal. 1.tin.volveS'separating fact from fantasy, traditions. opinions, and ar-chaic feelings. It'includes perceiving !'I'd evaluating the currentsituation I1ndrelatiJ!.g the data to pas\ knowledge and experience.Reality testing allows a person t",figure out alternative solutions.

A person who has alternative solntions caR then estimate the. probable CQnsequences of the vanQus CQurses o(action. The Adultego state's functions of realitr testing I1nd PfObabilitr. estimatingserve the purpose of minillliz10g the possibility of fatlure and re-gret I1nd increasing the possibility of creative' success.

.A person d'issa~fied with a job but programmdl "tostic)<withit no matter what" CI1nreflity ~t this value I1nddecide whether or~ot it is appropriate. A person whO:.decidesthat "sticking to it 'nomatter what" ispotgoo4 caMearch out alternatives on the basis of .his or ber capacities, talents, interests, job oppurtunitie:;, andso forth: To ,gather ~ta the person can visit a voca~'onal coun-selor~ get job aptitude testing, seek, interviews with personnelmanag~ study want~a~ ,send for:and read material about ca-re'eroppo~uniries;

Thepe..soncan carefully sUUly'wbat she or he really'wants in ajOb-securi,ty,-a flexible time scbedule, an expense account, _travel3.Ss,ignments.re,gularhours. an intellectual,challenge. a chance to'he with people, or whatever. The person can deci(k;which satiS-factions are the most I)\eaningful a,ndin what ways to compromisethese satisfOctJons if necessary. The person can then select av...l-able alternatives, estimate the probable CQnsequences, I1nd.adopta courseof action.that win otTer the muimum satisfaction.

The criterian far fun.cttaning fram nie Adult ego state is not. based on, the correctness of. the decisions, but on the process .o.fre-

ality testing I1ndprobability estimating I1Ywhich the decisions aremade. Colloquially, ",his isyoor Adult meanS: 'You have jostmade anautonomou~ .objeCtiveappraisal .of tk~ situation and arestating these thooght-processes, or the problems you perceive, orthe,conclusions,you have come: to. in 'anon-prejudicial mar\ner.' n

(5). '. .

Th. quality of decisions. will depe?d on how'well informed the.

Adult is and how well ,the Adult can select I1nd us. informationfrom the Parent I1nd Child. However,

"person's olecisions, even If

,basc<ion compute~ facts. are not necessarily "right'" BeinghU!'1an.we sometimes ha"e to make decisi.onson ipcomplete,data,and w~may draw the' wtQng concI_usions.

J!iI,

250 BORN TO WIN

An old woman may look before she steps into a »reet but not be~nscious ora rapidly approaching truck.

'"A young man may weigh. all the focts he ean obtain lrefor~he

, aci:eptSa newjob, only to findlater !haltbeboss has alol1e!iQnie,

: and demanding' wife.,

"

,", , " '

,A scientist may work years on a research project, then failIorlack of one piece of essential knowledge. . "

~ ' .'

"'". '., , . 1.

Some, people know mlllly fa<:lSin.otd: areaJ'ui few in. others.,

",,' '.

. ",-, A,~mpete'" hanker may be a novice in So!ving probl~. in-

i, _-volvj.ng :human relations. ,.

'. '

A competent homemaker may be inadequate in IldiscusSion ,

of turbine' engines. .' .

A ~mpetent mechllnic lIlay be unable to diagnose Il chil'd's'iUn~.1S. . , ,- -

,"

~ ..

,',

EGO STATE BOUNDARIES '

"'..'. ," .'.

.

.-.'

.......

A J>eI'S9D'ssense of real self c.n be experienceci in aIIrof the ego,sq.!,e., depending on ,where the free psyohicenergy resides,

""that

pllrticulaitime. When the senseofrelll self is experi~hcea in oneegostate, the others maY be ina"1ive.fI'Iwever;th~oIh,",~.IlI-WIlYSthere and have the potelltlal to betome,llct!ve.'

,~1' the tl\Qment thepe~n is expressing Parei1ta1 anger."he feels '~hi~ ~~l1yme"even thougl.1.'thisSel~r.tsi4esin-ab9'rrowcdegostl,te. At~otber.,moment;.whenhe:iaobj~ively adding his:client's~,Ut1ts.be aaain recb"It is 'rcal1.",me'addin, these figures." If he sulksjust like tile lillieboy he,

-once actuaJ,ly was, he feels at that rp;oment '-'It,is 'really me' wh,o issuJkinl~"Jnt~ e,xaJ:nples,.tbe free enefl)'. which gives ri.Se~othe .rience of"really me," .was rcsidina i~ the Pa'e.~ Adult, and Child,r<SP<!"UvcIy 16J.

!

"

. . .'..It is IIStfu! ,to thWt .of e.cb ego statellS havitig ~una~ri~s.Jlerne~uggests thllt ~go bou.naaries.,.n be though! Qf as oemtper.1I\~llblemembranes through which pSychic enargy <:an !low fromone ego slale ~ anQther [7]. Ego bo '.lIaries must be semiparme-Ilbie; otherwise, psychic energy wo ,fa be bound up 1n0Jl1' ego

.,5Iate and unable 10 mOve about SPlJOt.neo"sly ..situationschAAge. . .

!

I

Th~ Adult Ef!o Stat~ 251

In ~me higbly effective people the flew of energy may be quiterapid; iJl others it may be sluggish. The pe~n whose free energyinoves rapidly may be exciting and stimulati1\g, but others mayhave difficulty keeping up with this. fast-moving pace. The onewhose energy moves more 'slowly !s the person who is slow to s~and slow to stop activities, including thinking, Other people maybecome impatient with such'slowness. even though the person'sresponses are .of high quality. .,.

The pbysiology of the ego state boundaries is n'er yet under-stood, but the assumption that they exist is made by observing spe-cific kinds of behavior defectS. Some people continually act in un.predictable ways; others .r"", predictable they seem .monoto- .nous; sanie explQde O.fgato pieces wi~h the slightest provocat.ion;tbe tbinking of others is.distoQed with prejudices and delusions.Th.esedisorders Arccaused by ego state boundaries which are taolax or too rigid. 'have lesion~ at overlap. >

I.,,

LAX EGO BOUNDARIES

Samuel~Litl~rwrote~ uAn open mind,.s aH.veryweJl in its way. bUIit ougbt not to be so open tbat there is no keeping anything .in orout of it. It should be capable of shutting its doors sometimes, or itmay be fouJld a little drafty." A per~n with lax ego boundariesdoesn't close the doors between ego states, but appears 10 lackidentity and gives the impression of slipshod bebavior [8]. Tbepsychic energy slips continually from .one eg.o,state to ,another inresp;mse to 'very minC'r'stimuli-.This person may have gn~at dim-'cull¥ functioning in the real world and be in serious,need ofrro-fessiona! help. .'

One woman with this boundary problem waS de~ribedby oth-ers in,a counselipg group: "JY.ounev~r know what's going,on withher or what she's going to do next." A .personality witb I~bouitdllries can be diagrammed as in Fig. 9.1. .

252. IB,ORNTQ WIN.

.Th~ ptrsonwithlax ego boundaries hasli.tlle Adult control and

behave~ different.ly from the person whose psychic energy ,~ovesr~picJJYJrom one ego state to an.o~htr. yet with the Adult in con-ttol. hdjl~ latter case th~ per.rt)n'~ behavior may be quite rational. .In Ihe Cornier. ,tis ~npredictable, "nen'jrrational. .

'~ .-

, , ; . ~., . -,

.

RIGID ~GO BoUND,ARJES

Rigi<.llOg.oslateh<!undaries' dO.~('I permit IJj(\(ree ,mo,;emen\ at~Ch

.

icen.

erS)',ltisas Ihough alh.

iC.

IrWB

.

ll

.

.l\<J!!d'

.

5 \be psyc

.

,hie.ner,

1!YbOund up in one ego state,exclll!ling tll!:oilier tWo, This.pheno,. menonis called exclusion,' :rhe beha~ior of J>erSO!,swilh thi1prob,

him appears rigitl becausetheyt8l1d 10 respOud 10 moslSlimuli 1,v',lh QnlY;<'IIeoftheir ego siares, The&..on always collies on Par,ent, "ways romes on A<.Iult,or Alway.""mes on.Chilli." . . ,I

A person who usesonlytheParenlego slale or IheChlid egoslate and does nol Ii¥, the Mult istikely to be seriously diSlur~d,Thispers6n is not m IWch witjlwhatis currenlly happening, ,. nolrealily lestingin .the 'here and now. '

-.. P..""I,~... the.-""'\I.ud Child

'1'hi CJitld. ~...xc tbe_t_AcJolt

.it. perso~ who excludes th"Parent and Ch~ciand ~anlythe.

Adull D\8Ybe a. bore or a robOt,wilhoul p~on o..:omp~ssion.\Ierne. describes theexclu~ing. Aduft.~ ud~Qid of the ro.~rm,

~A'variation'otdaiSProbil;Dl,is'foundinthe~ wbo,t1IRlioffonlton~.'ego Slate. I. sblllC cases, wben a porsolf hils few redeomiDg q\l8li!iCslil the .

,PUent.'L"15.y be'in orcJer.ne'penonca-1) lean) to ~nt otbtrs,(~the -.Adult..

.

. ,d.pul'

Cbi1lJuodetAdJ>11 trol.or !bepersollmaybefe-parented. '.'

. .'. '

. ,

,.

"

.',

"

TIt~Ad~/I,~S'_a'e _

,'", '.,

-253"

spontaneity, and fun which are ch~acle.ristic pflhe heallhy child,and.. . . unable 10 take sides <yilb th,econviCtionor indi~nation.which is foul/dimbeallby paren~'.[9], Rigidly responding fromonly One ego slate is a serious enough persot!alityproblem 10prof-it from professional help.

.

.. '

. ,.

, Thete' are soinep~ple wbohave a problem similar 10exclusionbU110 a lessse.riousdegree. They favor using onee.gostate fairlycOJlSiSlentl)'over the oth~r \'No. btJ,1.the other .\'NOare nOI,lola11y

. ,excl\lded. In Ihe foUowing,qxampl~' We arC re(emll5 10 Ibis less~rious, eg~ boundary" problem as C01'$lanl Parent, Cons!.anl,44ull,. and Constant Child. .

""

. . .,TJ>e Constant P..r..nt

. A peiso~who operales pri'!lariJy from the Pare;1I ego stale often ,

treals plbers, cveil business associates, as if Ih.ey w~cbildten., Sucb behavior can be fqund '., theseCtelarY w»o ~takes<;are or".

everyone', problems al th~ I>ffice'orin .corporation boss who.,Irles 10,run the personal1iv..ofstaffmem~. who cannOlbe'~-

..i p...aclied re"",nably, ,or wbo <ljsP",ys,ijtde OrnoseJlSe o(hum<>r' i'Eitlierknowingly or, unknowingly. the. COIIstanl Parent c<iUecI$people who are willing 10 be ~n'd.nl or jllbOrdinale and often ; .t~if.'ays

with someone.~ th~.col\lplemen1arYroleof~n$laI'I. .,' .

. One,lypeof Constantparenl ishardwo'kingjmdhas a strol,lgsense of dill}!!This ~rson may be judgm~nla~ criticalof,othel'S,moralistic, and mayneililerJaugh nor cry fm", the.Child, IIOrbe .

objectively reasonable from the Adult. The ConstantPars:nt,"knows alltbe answers," III!\Dipulales others from th.e1Op-<Iogpo;

silion" and is dOlnitteerlng, oVerpowering. ,l!IIdaulhoritaril!ll;Specific ki\!dsof pccupa!ions whieh offer autho)'ityover oibeta .

altracl,lhis dOmineeri"Jlypc!of Person' S~jne presidenlS,of bu*i. .ness .firms.,.,me hOmemakers.,.,me0!Jic\als in ehllrChor;sehQol.hierarch~. sqI\Ie pQiiticalorl\lili'~rtgU IIDd.iQ4eed ""medi.tato~~k Ih~seP!'$iIjOJlSbeCallseil full"lIIllbeiUe<:d 10_veparen\ltlp<lwer ov~r othe~ M~y ntultiit\illiO., dollar bi1sin.1\Ve\'C.~pllycarved:<>utby ~,strons. del_me4 peJSQlIG!'

~~~~t:~#:I.~1~J:t7~~:~fon~iPS\Vere~"",of,r',

'AnQther tYPe,of Collstalll Paron!'is the Pf»'PCtual nurtu,rer or

relCller~hp y play Ihcroie .ofbenevolenf diciator Ormay come.. .' '". . . 4

'\

,. . . .

"~s.. . BORN Tft WIN. . .pius asalotiy person ",hois dcYo\Cdiqhelpingothe1)l:Tbdol. ,lowing cxpkssiODsmay b~associatcd with,this type of CODs\&JIt.,Parent. '" "

"The 100%avt!labl. on.: "<;all jo. just anytim'. you.'oOed me,"

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Ttieperpct1J~~lf~~00.:"i..,...go without;it's~el'~ Ihat)'Ou ha'v. it:'

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'~~al~scuet:"DctI'(wony;;1 C&i\,alw,ayshelp iyou;"~"

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~., .. ,

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A G!ias\&ntn~""miaoficndra"'!ltoonei),fth.~h~piII~' ~~, '

,U/>IiJ~it lItaY~,~eff~vc~ Yet,~ b:cPiJ!goiltcr.\)I\I111C;U>,

slJl'i!y~.pt!1!1~ot,!lIc co~t nill'\"~tisovcrindltlgjnghis Qt'Ij~,n~':Ing eapaci\Jcs,and docs rn~,,~ Jban good;'

,, ,,' , ,.. .

" ";:

,

The Co",ota"t ChildThe Adult Ego S/~'~

". r

"

.,

'

.The person who operates primarilr as Constant Child is the on~-,who iScthe p<rpetuallittle boy or 8'rl who,like Peler Pan,doesn twant !ogrow up. People who act from their ConStant Child d"l"tthink for themselves, make their own decisions, or lake respons\-bilil¥!br their own behavior, These peopl,e may exhibit little ,eon-science in their dealings with other people, attaching themselvesto someone who will take care of them.' A l\1al\ or, woman \\Ihowants tQ be "kept,"babied, punished, rewarded, or, allplaude1is

'likely todseek out a C"nst81\t Parent.,' , , ',',,Peopl~ with this ego .bool\dary ptoblem are often ~ucce..ful as

performers on the .tage oron 1he playing field. .However, withoutadequate Adult functioning, the performer may .pendher or bi.large salary impillsively, often ending lip broke. Other types of

.,job. that may appeal to the Constant Child are thoSe'that are high-ly routine and require ria decision-making. for~xample, assem. '

bly-!ine work. ,'.

'

"

. . I.

'CONTAMINATION-OF ':['HE i\DULT

,"

,The ctear thinking of the Adult i. ofteq spoiled:by,coll1amlnallon. ,Contamjnation can be thought of a. an il\trusiol\ of the parenl,ego

'state and lor the Child"ego state into',the ,boundary of the Adultego Slate.

" '

~ Contam.iriation occurs when1he'Adulfaccepts:as t,~, sonic u.n,"founded Parent beliefs or Child"distortions and rationalizes and

Tho Adull,contaminatedby the, Par8bt

'!!Ie Adull.,i>lOIIml..1edby tile Cblld ,

'0 Tho "dull' ,

ied by tile'Parlllllll! Child

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'AI times, Iars<' ..~ent&o(S<JCiety ~e withprejudiccd ideas.F..

or e"i'mple; mosl pea.

pie.

in.a city mayl» IO~~Vetha.

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.

r-dy hQ,*s should be built ofbrick; evCtl though the .ity is loea.led'111&11earthquake faulL

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€ontiuninatil)ll oflen intrudes \!II"'ela.,.ofsociety.Untilre-~tly, IlllderTexas brNa. whOkiDedhis viif'efor lIdulterywl!spr~ciniJ~iliible lIomicidc; howeve., it a'wtr:el;il\jld1ler1i1i$-

,,;:~~~~~:~n;~:..':'~d~~~:,r"

itt~d alliD iy in 1<J69a4\1IJthat yaung ~"(njItOo-, .leeji be give~lIIe,vote, wilh Iheex<eptiOll;however;'ofy~.~ ','with long"'..r, He adm(>nis!jed,"lfctllcy're goin81obc:'d!it,e~thCYsh$ld'look Ukecitizens."

"~

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, SeVere con,*inination f~m Ih.Child egO Slate oi)enOccurS bO-c&\i$eofj;Ome deblsio", A ""!11J1j(jn"ne is Ihe delusion ofpp'deur, In its exlreme f~a PtrSOlI.maybelievt thai she o~ he is !he

,savior of,ilIe "",rId ortbe ruler "fthe worid:An<>!her ..,nmiM'delusion is fe.ling pe,-ulede-being poiwn!!d, spiedupoil,titpl~agaiBSL

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',',

In i~ I~ severe form, apefS()n whose Child CODta1I\inal!is~Adult has'<!iswrted perception;nf reality. This petsOnmay be.

U""" an~ say. tai example, ," ,

"TlteworIdowes nie a Ii~g;" ,

'

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.. "People are'talking about me ,,"hind my .baa,," /."No one could possibly. foigive/lovel.Wanl/di,like me,"

"Some day I1\.1iere,seued." '"

'

A;;"om~n whO holds the delusion lIIat one,day her pritll:e,wmcome may stay on a meniaijob, a CindereQa''Waitil1.g'' for aR,s'

. q,~r. ijerassump.li9n i~site's'going,\Osetlnatried an,d,is justml\rI<ing time until "he" cOmes ~ong.', ' . .

.,.'

'a.~ren learn dislorti~ ttJaJI)' ways,$ome are. iaUghl; tonte,!,~e ..,njuredup. For eUIIIPIe, a bOy m,!'y lu!VC;tllightmare,in

.

,

'~lfJhis ~0m8n would reveaw bet'aSsQmpiipn to, i.l::.m,.n~ goin!&o~marrie(n she'cOuld ,reconsider ~rcorit8.ination.-d might rH:xanunc.' .

her ~ttitu_deSabout tueducalion,jQb, where-shc's'living. and where she,iSgoing with her tife.

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\

218 BORN TO WIN

wl!lch a m01\Stef'\mder hi. bed ISaboQI io devoQr him.. Ifhi. moth. .aradmoni.hes themonsler, "Don'l. YoQdare eal my little boy; YOQbad fhing! Now get o\lt of here!" .he reinforces.the clist~rtion..lfs~ says insll>ad ''V..1oo"dQnder the -bed 111I4there'.. 1\0 ilion- .

1\Of!hete. 'i'<lQmnstha~bad a tembledream that seemed"e!)'1~::t1I~ halp$ ¥r son."p8@tete~ity and.,Ihe fi~enlS <Ifhi.l!I!...t\!ItiO!l.brllvi~ him a~ta. mfQnnau<lnWI!hOQIPntti/1gd9Wn b,i,abilio/.\O' ilreall\thi1l&tnp'" _ - .'. .'.

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. ',:D(jlll:tle conliltllillatioll Occurs whe'll b<lth \!1If!\11tjlrej\l4ii:e. and .\Cbjld!lel!'li~~ \I1I\'elolllteA~1t ,"IP Sllill>like "ye,.;l~4.of.~""\ibjectJ,~ly awa~<>f.t!ll:'f~! \IIeA:~lt '1IjIC1:tIp~tP).~

.nall~,tliel'<1nt.amlIlall()l1l;lf\lle..dlstOitio\l$1If!\.removld, ap.!riIQIIh~ac:lear.r pe~on\>f WIi~t'is"aI. '.. . ' .. .

.

sZ~e~~g,'l:t~~~=V':~~lh:~~I::'::ai¥~.these inllu.nee.. One ~lienteJ(Pressed \hit ~t.allllil!lliOn.Jk<>'

. Clisswilen he said,"' ~atoba~e tIIisstrange i4ea !balno"!!e<;oI1lc!'ev.rIikeme.N\>WI~thal \!taU'sju.Il\Ie waylfe,\tat 4\\l\Ie... !pd,NOJ'o"~liIe,fbatl!Ole~~y tikeslll",liIitlI\UIy,~~', .

,

.f~,~"'i~ac,~:~.sn~.~,ihi~iII~re~aj>~n"!~~ .

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,frJ~~~~*Jo8f~~~~~~~~!s:cn~~~~;::~.psi~ has~nmiou.ly injt!i'edbyone trauma\ic~anior)!)ta .

".

series of unhappy e~perfenQeI dQringchild\lood.WheIl som\!llliil&'rubs the;sb!'OspQ\(thainjot)' may "i>reake>pen"willt aI1.ai!lpOur.

iJ!.g01' ,trO!lS; irrallOIlltl emotion;T.\tis.\,,1I$ ,?bs!>rved'ina O()Q~' .~ggroup; "WI>1'\l\nllSked a !hill1.~\ViU)'Oupl,/ISOlO<i~atl!\e

,."~ij~~~~i~~:~~~~!to~~r:~~;t~~y

.,'AJes~~~4IIY, jn4#l~wbeila~~IIr+ntS.a~~e~ghlp~r'.'

.'.,nI~us«,'801$h)'t~ri.IiIiIQYttac\.p.ot;thWl4~panicsal!d )tide"l.'

...,}\le 1Ii9~\o.€""ffO~l)Iing,and sb forth. S\>nlepei,>plebl'eak into. .." .!eats9t"nkiim d.p~ when even mil~IY(;rjlkil!04.Alesli;ln

ii lTI!!JIjfes,~'Iii. 8rossoverreactionlot~,real~y()f \hutimI1\Qo.,t il. inlerre"'. ,. JIlr adeqQa1i fu.itctlonins.pri>C~ionall/.elp is.nealled. .

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",,~

,THE ADULT ABEnC\JTlV& OF THE PERSONALITY,

, Eachperson the J>*DliaJ to pnt th. Adult w.xcculive "'1'11'01afthel'ther.$O states. Iffr.ed from neplivc ar irrelevanl inJIu-,CIIcc,ftom the P8rCJlt aildCliUd, tHe pcnon is emancipaleil tomake antona!j>aus decisions.

"

"',UnJcss a pcrsOit h.. Adult self-awareness. mOStautside slimuli.

ar,

e,

likelYk>~firstfcl,

\&nd res,

spon,

dod, ,

to,

by,

citbcr,

tbc,parc:n!,

'ar,Child oS'! $JI!tcsarooth. W.henthe Adqk ~mcsUle execulive'..

per~le8rns to ,receive more andmare slimuli Ibroush Ihe Adul\.,The, persoJi stppS.loo~, and liStens. perbapa rounli... to len..AAdlhinks. The person cvaJuates befare IICIin&takes fullrespo~li:IYfnr pcrsonal thOnghlS, fecllitgs, and behaviOr, and ;wurnes th.task,af determinin'g.which of the poSsibleresponses in hisarher

'egostalcs are appropriate, IlSingthai "'!lid> is.;>K from ,the P&rOII!.and C.hild egQ slates,

' ' '

i ,

.

StUI1~lQ8 __.

III

In some instances the pcrson miy take a laok,al the situationand decide thai whal his I>rher mnther Qr falher wauld dn is tbeapprt>prialething 1040: Far e'IDmplc,the persoll may \lecideto Ia4apt parental behavinr by sympatheliCaJly wmforling a crying. 'Ilost chil4;n a large deparlOtent storeJFig.9.Sa). At anOther"",e i.. ' I', person'may reject thisParc:nlresponse and wiUlhnld a !'riticaJremark learned from a parentfi~ (Fig.9.Sh). , '

In some in,Slillces a persoll Q1t take. Inok at a silualid1>and de-cide tnmake a r..ponseleatned in childhood. For'C!<IIMplc,when.

,drivillgp..t a rescrvni,rnn ahn\. sultry daY, the penon may sod-denlys!<,pthe ~ar. check out if it's safe, and dcCi\je to take a ,run,,ning jump intI' the witer tn cool 9fT. Atannther time the pcrsoninay reject a Child impulSe IQ '~play arnund." ' , .

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tal18b1h~rthat sh~.could,fl">mh~r Par~nt.go sta\'e,be nurturingwithout think;ing. . ." .

',S!lllyrc:sp<>nd~ddirf~r.ndy.W* sh~ ~...rd Ih. noise, her ini'. tialrosJ:>Qns.was~niilar !Qwha.t'lleimotlt.r would have.$aid

wh~1I~.. did not want tIJl1eint.rrupt<d;''T~ damn kid$\lbn't.ve'!!!

.

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a~.

qu\e.

tt" Sit:1Y.

ha.

<lhad.

1nad.

.' ','.equate pat'IOtIllng 'and was aware of It. Therefore,sbe1\a(\ fo actI'

..' va~eh~ Adoltby tionclo".decis/on, She then r.sl¥'nd~inappr()o

.

poat< ~ay.and,likeJune,wenl ,,\It to see ,,!halwas~g.. ' ,'~.'.

1The Ad\llt.gostat< it. exeC\ltiv~ of lhe pers0naJity referees be- .

tw,.n 'th~.Paren~,ego .",teand theCbild ego slat<;.speeia,lly'!lh~lIthe I~ dia,lo$'!,e is huttful or destructive. [n sueh casesJh.e.

"Adult ~",es alllOre ralional Parent f<)Ih. Child Ihan tlte aet~p.ar.1\f!iwere-selting ration~lilt\its, giving rational.pet:n1i>sions;

, ..seekirigrea!'OlIitj)legratif..ationfor tIt~ Child:The foll"wingea""

,indieal.ljpw tit.. 'Millt: lIIigl\l rerere~ or eft'~cI a Compromise be'tw~n Child and Parent (\iaIOgu.. . .

.

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,,?'. Jim .

@['JD ~~ingtdplaysicktbis(E)Mo;"n.Ii~'s boy should.tay. wcell and not go I" w"rk, home if. he, doesn't. f~el

.." . '. " "good. ". .

", , @l could g.t away with'it,,

.',butI'd have to wort Iwic. as.'

" bar4 to '!i.ate liP for it.:No,point, in stayillg hO!D~,'

..',I

,

"

Mary,.

.,@.IO lDAkeg~d ';oitey, tM@ \V6h1e~ shl>uldn't m*~.

'. 1I\en ritigblMllik~ m.,' ,'as ninch.llloneyas men..'

, -', .@'['mcapable,but ['II n.""r .

"

.' get a raise, here,'1 thfnk I'll1001\ fora n~1lijob.

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'2Q BORN TO ,wIN

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"there', newt been a ,

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@ what are th~ pwiliid~ '

Q( .~~ JII&~il1What are '

the pro$ ancI coal of belftg'divom.d?,£1I8eI'seme

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obJ"v"4!dB l>elbte'~'

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,@ A,tI\&II'$ haml~~eaStI~..

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~rir 'thepu. I CU' wa...(

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@ BiIldOO.a't 'ov~ me <!> ('1<iId~u,you COuJda;ti,or 'he woul!ln~t In!$ meA! 'QIey'h __I\ty got ,,be'ollt !Gmgh\.

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oo.e thing DII\h4fu",tni~..,.,:"

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"@t_o.r Sia ~to woO; ,

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I8~Y\c we canll!ke in a liI01Iie."... " 1'<,,_..

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.

, Tom.

@ rdon't Bet'that ,rd Qe.. .'CV Never intemipt when

. instructor jU$l1lsed but if I ",meone is talking. .

ask, I'D SOIIndstUpid. YbU:lItight mu;e a.' fool of yourself.

@ If ldo,,'[ ask my questio,.,. fll.miss Iha whole J>9intoftheclecture:.So hen: ~s. evenif I fael stupid.,

'"

. ,

PLACATING yOuR PARENT. .

Sometimes, the inoer Child feels constan\!y un<ler the pr~ureoftheinnuaoce of a Parenlogo. state ",hieh.s overly critiC1\l,bnltaf,.threatening, pllnishing. or withholding approval or atTe(:!ioll,Wiih the Adult 1!-1Ixecutive,a penon can I..m to "throw a .'

Icrumb" to the Parent. This helps allay the stressful discomfort ex'.'pe,rien<:""..hen the penon g~sligainsl Ii PUent81 permissior, ot1nJlIDction., . . .. "Throwing ~ crumb" implies placating the innuencing Parentby doing one "ittle'~ thing tb,at would please /he Parent. Pe?pleare often placatins .their Pareot ",hen they do such things as go toehun:h at Cl)rislJ!las and Easter or to .the synagogucon the Day ofJ\tont'ment.' .

. ," . I -"_

One woman lived under the compulsion of. s~ving odl 'thefamily relics, collecting nearly:a 'roomful of doilies, pictures.embroidered pillowcases, etc. While',she needed tbis .space,sbeC9llIc! not bting herself to throw these tbings .out. SIIe ..

'claimed to feci guilty wilen she even thought about doing so,."as it would, be disloYal to her family. Liter shueported,"1t

alwayspleasedmyinolher to give to lite needy, So I threw bertwo crumbs lIta! really made mt feel good. Pirst, \.saved onelittle box of mementos tn,keep \11Ymother in lily head happy.

.~

.

','" "

. \,'i64 . . .oR/li TO WIN . .,.\

.Th~, I sa

.~ a \¥ln1lerOOrn/'QlQfl!iihgs away wsoinepc;.,ple,.

who really ne~ded Ih~m.'W.1n!.I in~lief.". 'CO\,< '. .. ':', . .., .:"'; '. .<i " " ..' :.. . ',.

'.

{'',...,

. 71te,Adull Ego State 26S

Many people have found specific wayo 10 please their Child..

EaCh person must fi'1f!'~. or ljio oWJj way by checking out the <!e"

.sires of the Child and deciding with the Adult on something .

aPl'19priate. '. . .. '.

"'. .

.'. -.~9n,e'man reliey"d the. t~sJon..uoed by an irtile,ble boss byplayittg a Yigortius game Pf lOuChfOOtblil1 with his kids. .. '.'. .' .

". ,¥other m.anaustlliii~ ~Ifwhil.re...peralitlgfl'l>"''';'\IOre.Ii by !liking'short trips tQthe,n:tQu!ttllill&. ;,':

".

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Ogo'.womanso9theclti~elf ftoR1t~ ~nof ~gli>t~. ,.~ca"ped child by !ding ",atm. l\lXurij!usbli\>l!ll:~d!i';While hertbild nap"""

..'.

. .'. .:'

AnQther wOI\!&nm';;nlained a rigid diet. for .several nlollths ..I!Ylil!Qwing'herself. to InduJgein,one 'bpt f~dge~un~ ~mOQ.th. '. '

. ,

. "'. .!;'>_~",.'

II

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I

. .This teeh1'iqile of "taking !ive" for me Chilcl,enables a pe~tP .

keepgl>mg'Y~enit's ne""ss!ary.It involves inclulgingin~m~ .,. \bat waioparticularlypleasurable in childhOOd.Or fl)WI\n&(II\.un" .

JllrliJeddesire.£ach person !leeds (0 assess whatplCases/he ~~ " .and seHationallimits on the frequencv of such self'in<lI/I~;'

: ' '\ '..~..,

'".-'. ..

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,'..

.,

.ACTIVATING AND $TUNGTHENING.TUB ADULT EGO STATE , _

The Adult ego.s"w is,trengtllene<\,wiU, uSe 'mmuch \lte Sainelight as a musele, whicl1increasesil\strength'with exerciSe" (17/.The Rt-0repeople use it, themore;they.~re able to'u.se it.

Educado": .. . ., . . ). ..

.-'.

'.-,-""',

--'-. '.. .: ,: ,-'. .'Edllcal10ltwhich.treligthensa~rson" ability to ~tber. or~,

a,ndev'\lanle informatioD _trib!!1es to more'~rate AdtiltJlldgntellt$.f,!veryOlle'sAdult is ,aft'ec(Cdby many typesof!e8mIn&e~periences. some li;arning hinders ¥ult fun.ctioiling;so@eeti.hances iUlemecauUOIIs, "In /heiJ!dividual caSP.,<bit allOwance,mUstbe left ""rpast Ie"ining experiences'; [13/. ,

". "

J.!ducatiQDastpast lea(1Iing MpeiienCc" can be tItoughtor~,.

-266 BORN'TOW1'N ,

manY waYS. Hc;nbe acad~inic9rnonaC<!demk. formal or inf~r.mal.For example. II1,OSI~pIe receivolbeiruluca.tion abo",thi..!j)ry.,~rilhm~lic;ind &IISlishin.a fQrmal school settins wilhIlain~d teache,.., However, fuoi.r~""aliQn a\)Q""-..aJity islit~Iy 10peeur in.. loss,f"rlitaiway-fFOIII i"oirp"~ itl the.iQ\;\lor

.\ (ooin. a!tl\.}tr~1 CQmer. behind Ih!f'~ Infonnalion ~uired ,

hi Ibiswar maXbe ~...ralo .orii1acc:1ita~.lJ'nJC$Swhalis 'I~~ned

l' ,is """,ral. a"d!ll\lC$Silisev.l",atcif. it'ism>tu~ul!j) Ihe Ad...I!.iC,;,. '.' . 'J"b.~l;()mp'u'er"!)ra~ .'''''1>6$.01, ~ OUIMapplie$lo tl\e.,

". q...alitYl>f1l\P!lt~!I>,~~dul, or fotl~lma'tet into a!iyego 8!11~." ~".-fdiJW1I,Mp'htrl~data!h!l)~~. ,t!d~iion, lIIe;Mu!'~

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,

,: '

.~,aI~.sa~~~c. fr6Ine'XJI'Iriel\~1"idi.reality.~b~., '.

I,.

"

'smelJ,~l, aiId_ their,nvii'<>ilme~11in<I<\~~;~I1P~.' ..,'

~.;. "

, ,'~t.curringal~te<I\c'a~le in,ervals.They obse",albal,th',f ",

, Itees II!>wera'l!outtho s8ll\.t~"..,hYe8r: thai the tlWel!,kif.",,", IU\d'hem.at8l'O!n\CJth.m pfoduceu:distinct!fuil. 1'h~laartl,'t,: ',.

"..,howJII{ they can~On a I8Jjk,,(gas, tJ,ehest,en!rancol1!t\tOf/'(e;:,

C" .way"how !"u~h,llI!leill8~e. tO~t \9~rk, ",wbele", FuYtl\.i,; "h!lsl"",*.1'hem~l.e"'$!&r.ccll~d&'a~lIst!,,,II):,~~ji,i. ,;e~X;:~iitm~. '.,., .".'..'

" .<.} ","!I>;I\Q",~eJiJlJes, inf<>tJlJ8tloJ!:isev.aill!!lOdi~ety; }):"~I>)'1tar~ .~:>..~n"~e$~ c;snbe)llt1>i1I!'-The,earth ~y look l1al, I>I,II,!/SR)(..,.,.;;.'.!""

,,','.

..,"AnI.;/~WIta!\ri

f't~ll."'t':.~~.I:} beard~ee"h<1oest

f th"b...jcQn~~"

. lImoliles, \>InI",.. "...efont *''''e '' . o sallie.eve.~...

~'.;!

.'...

...

.':, Aipeoon who uses th!'t\<!utl~ e~ecnti¥eatl<twallt$t~itI\pnove. .l,.,th,e qU'a1ilYofhis,cIr Mr ftsP9J1ftS~..~'""edlb.g~~en~'

f.','.'\.( ."

. ~~u!"by ¥li'Iherlng!laUiftoll\,Qt'!!!ye~J1tjtI.~~s...wdl.~"l~Inlng stif-knaw1edge. C\>lIeclin8 and ev~uallnslnlbnttaijo,1I,

. en.b1aa pet'$onlod<;leJ;,minel!iotoaccurale'>' what response in?': .

i(.

".'

ptoi'~letOth. teSlily.ol'lh. 1I 8I\d 110"',A peoonwilh Ad4l1".i", .~ecu'liveconlrolneedSCo1tlillulll.self-e<jUcationandneedslOsOri",cY"'put.thisinnerworld in;,ordc,.t10ll8e ~Iy whal isgK:O'Om1lte!

(i.e".. .~~"I a"d ","ali. QK Crotnt~eq,ild... , ,,< .

',',I, .

-."

"

TItt Adult Ego Slat~.

261

. . . the contract may refer. to symptoms char,cteristic of particular disor-ders, s""h as hysterical para1yses, phobias, olisessions, somatic symplomB,fatigue, and ~pitationin the neuroses; ,forgery. excessive 4rio.kmgodr1tSaddiction. delfitquency. and ,ot1\ersuch gam~likcbeba:vior in th~ psycho-patbios;pessin!ism, pedanUy, sexual ilnpotence, or frigidiCy In !bechara...'ler disordjOl'S;hallucinations,elali(>n, ,and a.prcssi~n in psychoses (1.4).

A.ol1tr8C1 must I>e clear, collcise, Bnd direCt. lI.involvo.(l) adecision to do 8Omethi.g aboul a speQfic problem, (2) a stalemenl'of a clear gpa! to be.worked toward In language, simple endugli forthe inn.,. (:bIld 10understaJ\d, .aild (3) llie oosslbilily of the go~~beirtg fulfilled.. ,'.

. ' .',

. In aider .10make a .,.,ntract, a person II}UStbave ellQUgh aware.ne6Sofhisoiher approach 10life 10blow what i, causing dlssatlS;faction or Ul\due discomfort, to. self Or to olhe!S. Dissatisfaction

'

often motivates change. . .. . '..

It is importanl that a contract be made by the A4ull ego state.tbe Parenl ego state may make, a pro,!,i'se 10 put .off a Child, and'the Child ego state may malte a ""'ew Year'sre",lulion"wilh nohonest intention ofkeepingit. the Adll/I plays!t straight!.,

Although..}, was originally desigoed as a eontr<'CIuaI form'of'therapY. a person can .",aIt. a eonVact ith anyon<-"self. spouse,boss. ",,"worker; or friend-Io' ."

,'

.

stop indulging in self-pity

. stop self-degracjing Ihoughts .and acts: .'SI<lP acting like a martyr

Stop discounting albers

stop destroying his or' her body;'

start ,listening Ie>people

,start being pleaSant,

start relax/llg ,

start laughi!,g. ',~ ' ..

start using ~is or her heiid.

Leatliing 10 malte nontracts. Seeing iitem Ihrough. cha.gIlI8them when appnipriale.,andmovi!lg on to Ihe nexl problem andnextwntractare signs or autonomy, signs.of1L winner.~ '

;, . .\

. .

.

\

,

~268 BfJRNt4 WIN'

,

,

L ~islnc the RiIh*~'c' ."'" : ,""., ',...Co'.'" ',', '. ...... .

. .. Tire Adul. £'0 SIGle ~

10 play." When a person w;th .this C()nlracl has Ihe impulJe 'for,playrulne!S. he Or she can ask. "Why nOI?" It' there are sood rea"sons (nol, ra~onali:zations). Ih. person can poSlpon. the pl.asure

. for anotheruI/IO.lfth.r. are none.\h.perso.n can lei &0 ancl_. have ap<i tlm...' .

....

'If a person's Par.nt is oV.rly pemissive. sayinaallllnthin~"y.." to mOSIimpulses (lique>r,drup,food. 'l..p,.~)'OI'to 0"''''.

P"CIple'sdemands, IlIepelSOn may make th.Acilllt eoDIraI;I,"f.

will not say 'y.s' 10myself or to othfls 1f the ~~OI'I. d.es\fI!C~, liv TIte p.rson ~anraise ~ quastions. "WhYsh<!"ldldothla'Pmy..lO" or,?l1yshou141.ilurt ot!.er peor~ orall!!w them Iohll!'l, ,

.

Ih.mselvas. . .. .When people Us. lhe. oontract=qllettlOn'tecb.nlqueto.~va/II

.lh.'Aduil. Iheydesip their own "nique queitionrelatecllO~CoJ'llraCllo.naage .their inteUiIenc;c.so Il1atlhey can evalu.te'~.Silllalionm!>re ra,lionally.They 'risk 1aking the ",s~bUlly for

, 'their" ~i~~;'.

. ' <» ."

,,

,.

\

People whoareawa.. "sc th.irAdultto ieanuboul some e>flheiralienateil personality fragments (rom their projections. Pro,ioction .

.. is a '1"mmon phenomenQn of human hel1av~or. Perl. wnt<!o:

.A prqjl'C\iOrl is'lkl!Bi~ attiluile.fming, or !>itof bebaviOr which .cu.all)'.belongj 10~ur ,ownpenon_lity but ia not e.peri"",.d II suc;b; i~. it Isattril>~ted

'9 obJects or """sons in 1h<!~vironm.nt andtben e",,"ri~ II',Urect'td towardYO!J' ,bY ~hem, instead of th~ other way around. . ','.'~

, ..' ';

.. ,"The pictu.. of being

_'.

re;eCte~fi..tOy bia par.nti and tiow bYhis fri""'....is eme Ibat t~- "eu",",c goes 10gr.ot I.ngths to blish and.lftlin1abl.. ,.o,yhil. ,uc;hcliims may bav. S\lbs...ce,1h. oppositi is 0110cortainl, vue-Ili1!t\h. .neuro'ii:.~i'C\I 011\0"for n9lliving up to sot1l~fan...li.ide~ or_'*!tdald w~ic" he ttnpoJOSon 'b.m, ~~e!le bas pri>jeoted~i' rejecting<nI1o"'.o!ljer po""",h.ean. wkI\O~1(..linB any rosponsi,bUit'for \!Ie!it"~t.ion, regardni1D..lf.!Ii the. polliv. .object of all kblds.of. 'iRWalhlnl'id:hardship,\QSkjndtreotlntnc,.orevonvictinrizalion(IS~ .

..' .

. "eo,*m.y~roj~any poslli"eor negalivettalt theih~vo-aliellaled from their .w~"eS{. 11\811unaware wl.ythty III*YIe- .

cuse olh~rsofbeing angry, whOllIlC1Ul.l1yit~bey who are 8IIg\')'.t them, They may perceiv~ oth.nas being tendcr and,kind,wllen

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no Adoltlip St.,. . 213

,ate like a stage produ~tion, but the dlrec1iOn and action are I19tunder tbe same control"" in waking lite,

.'.

'The Gestalt approach is to integratedraams ratber than to ana.Iyze them. Inte...,tin. CUIbe acco'!!i!'islle4"r colllCiously...uv.ma tlte dream, II)'!!'king rC$pOnsibilttyfor being the obj_ andpeople m tbe ctreain, by bemlning a'f'Ue of the, \liCSsageathedrelm holds. To learn fl'Ollidrea~ 1\is 110Iessential to workout11ftentire dream. Working with smaUbI\s of .tltedream are oftenI'ruitluJ. '.'

. ':,,'" .'

. To relive . drea'!I the potl4lnJIfStlells itor writes il down lIS.slOlyillal.i. happening no lJsmil tbe]iresenll'~"'; fcir'exampl"..I waUdfigdow,na lOnelyroad . : .,"") amwtirta in an ait.Plalte

'. ,.. .theperson iI\I:Iudes~ng experienced ~ Ibe

. dream, but dOcsnol..addanythingthai'wasn'1'ael1iallythere. ., In lhe Dexlstep Ibe person.bC:giDjladialogue-speaking'oulloud.~. a help in gCltin~started,each~n"object, orevenl is' .

lISted, "Whal are.you dOtllgin my dream?" Thenbec.'oJningeach~ objec:t,or e\!Cntthe p, n ,",,-wers,bcgitming with "I,"again '!Sing the ptes!>nl'lense..For examplio,"I am'a j..zy ...d

. sl"'rlSlIIt, ..." ':/am arugstretcbed.outon tltel1oor. . .,""Iaman old womantryingto dimb somestairs.. .." . ,

.':

'E~b part of the dream is likely 10disguiaea message.al\oullhe. per.oodreamjagit When Ih~message COn!eslhrollgh.the persOn

1S.likelylo fecJ.~ ha! S4>lhal's the way lam." "

. On. woman; on being an unbendillg boss in .hcrdream. discov-. cred thai she 'ite/8Clfwas unben'ding and unwilling 10:lI\ake achange. Que man; &peaking aslbe steam roUer in his dreall!, 'cJis- '

coveredtbal he,roIIed overolber pee!)!e ifth~ gol in his ~. Inbolb. cQes tbe aUenated.persol!attty frapeRt w re-cwned"a?dthus intepled iDlOthe !hoJe personality. 'em cautiOns:

'. - '.'.' . ~ifyoU wotkondreanu it is ~uet ifyo,u"doit.,ithlOmf:C)no'dse wftQ

caq. point OUtwhere yqoo'avoit\. Uncie<alai\dins-d>c IIrcatI\lftC_ ..oIiziD8w\tenyoupreavoi~lIa.obvio.s. 11ieonlydaq.p:u ~batthi>.,. 1'\1I'-.SOIIl)Ii&Iit_e gui<ldytothe andiellyou~t itaoina inyou. iaolCl/I bf Bivins yoIIrli!'lf the Ohan.. !If cliiCdveriD8yourself 11'1]:

. .. ',,', ."

.'

\

, DA $ i>ti)I8PAl.,

\ pe~WhO ilw 'lateS the Adult""p. lo.ee lif. roo ...alisti-.:ally and may iliSCO\'\:rIbings tIi>itare. lion! to acccp~ for'lumple.

'.

.".

274 ., BORN TO WIN'. .

, I~tlhe je>his a dead .tri<!. .. .thal a ~~ is metltally diSlurbed.. that SC>I!\tpee>p!Freallybate e...1i other. I

'"'... :. '. ,',"'. ,', '. ,'..

,....

thai somepee>pIereallyhlltt ~h other. . 1\IIattheChlld~,!,~ aUe".ied.'

thallbe pi~l_ be "ai4..

..tlyt~irrreri~ ~ ~rc..' ,

. " .thai _Y Jlbifntials~u!ire~ .."

.'

.'Fur~r~, ~e.pe,e>"lediscovat .thaltJle~. j!ersOnorl'~~'wereWaiPIl1re>it<> i'mprovel~tr1ol iJ!tileil,s()I~"I\

IhaltheirshipIs,II';Y"totnllO aimejll.. ',... '.'Iht~fI1'IIICY ia~I'l!>re~om~,the,;~t#r,..ttui~theln&Jlm~ia!IPI~iI\lIO !'Plllt#'!-..

. .

. 11I,~"'uty';~I~e>1II~~r;..:. '...

,I}halll\~e is,no'.fairyll'lIm\>lhfor w~w,.I

\llatth~rriflil~'f ~~not~prillce.'. I

FI!4:iIdy,>jTII.sucha-W're~O$s,~y pCopIe r.ifii\1!> de.~i~Ie>IInI:.lh~Jiope Iba: ~Meoneel.e will rcaeuethem. I'e>(the firat, \iJJIe. '~ps; they r...li~ lhal if IlIer.,.,1C>berescucd,,\heYjIIUII rely;.o.ntha,!,selvel sn4 strongi!lenlhelr own:resourc.~ for mtiyltoflife I

is a.do.iI,yoursetf,project.'.

". .'. '.

I

". J\IIhC>Ugh

..

t.'het

.

~elilll ofdelPfob'.

isi..

'J>S1

..

'''fIII, iliS s C"aII~., . tCld!l

ldII\ethill1\dift'etelit. AI t!U.poiQta penon~(n ~ fIOri!.sOciety1!y\1eQOnUt1tal\Ct~ 11:I~~is()jatl4p~~ hy~11i:olil

.

.

.

.initijd..,) i"'.

IS

.

' in.

~titU~OR,litbY

.

IU:YiIl8'!'C..ted\lpl~.

.

..

.' .

bbl. ' .

}I.I'

tOOlIt:(2) Iry 10eliMinate ~1'sCI~ prtIbtomi\>y."twiliIgWI"cWl\b

~~;~'!~::~~:etv~~~j~~I::~::~I

''away, she~8a wil'f ptl\lUhaJl41 or)llptdCrln.lIO~nc;(4)do,I\QII!in8alld ..ait;(~) set be~.r ari<!III:~" IC>li>(e ill tbenal world.&er,ne Ik\ICribesit ~llIi.lI!snller: . '.' .

....

~. ....

1M A.,h Ep ~<U 275

In ~ long "'D, the patient must uDdertate the ~ oflMufln awodd inwhicli the.. is no San.. CIa... He is then fKeelwith the "i.ten~al ptob-lemsof osity.tnedom of choice. a1M!absuRlily.aDof which pre-viouslye,ad".t in some me by livingwith theiUusiou of his '1Crip1(11].'"

,

People who dCcide IoUve 'in,lhe re.. ,,!,orld,who decide thai theywere 00r1I 10,win, agree wilJr,J)jsraeU t!lat"Ufe ia 100 shorl 10 be .small.'"

. ,:

'

\

, . ,~ .The A.i1dlego stato'd~ objeClive1y with rell1ity. ~ Adull ianol '

related 10 age,bul is in/1uenCedby eclucatiOll,and expm_,When it is i~ated. a person «)11~' and organiu informa-tion'l"ediclpooSible consequences of'vadous"";ons,and I!\DkI:COllSC10USd"",sions. Even thollgh a~iOl1 is m.ade from theAdult, il is noll1ecesoari1yaceura18iCin.(orm.tionis laWt>8' HoW.ever. usinsthe Adull C,811help 10Ililiiinuzt regettable actio!Isand_ incre_ a person'spotenli-'~or~",'. .,

'"

When ,thete is inner conRi~ orlelf,deCeadng interaction ~lweenthe in!",rCbild:and P~nl. the A\lulleso I\I1le,odin,"r-,Cere: il CDI1referee.' arbitrlte. fmd, colJlpromises, and m!lk0I1O!ll'

'

decisions Corthe expression of the inn.r Cbild. II can $0 _ptoe,rejecyParental assumptions OI1,Ihebasis of rell1ilyanhppro-,priaten_ To Ichievethis.inteptiol1 of personll1ity, the Adull

, m I.pI1I\1iowledS. lboul\l1e Child arid Parenl ego ,SIi'tctThi.,is parI~f self-awarenes..

"

,'

.. '.

,

A pe,..,n,s spontaneous ~ of peDOnauty resources, can be af-f~ed by eso boundary proble",s. If lhe ego boundaries am 100lax, psychic enerIYslips erraticaDyfrom one eSOSlatD10an

,

o\her..causinsthe person 10 be highly UJipredtcllble.lfthe. ego bo,mdae.,ies are lOGrisid. tbepsyc!l.ic enerIY is ''Jpcked" in one egos~\...xcludiJlsthe othera;Thisproblemmanifestsitselfby a contiJiu-,

oUS \lie of one ego SJlte-th. peTSOD'ohoose.1O act abDostexdu-, sivelYfroin \heYarenl. the Mult, or the Child. When Ifaumaor'a,piliDSup of DeptiV!lOXperiencosoecurs,the .So boundaries sUC.fer lesiOns.Theresull is a IIow of emotion .ich appesrsumeaisoDable in terms of the stimyjus. The Adult'. clear perception of .eurrtlllrell1ityeaaaltobe <XJIIIDIIIinatedbyp~udic:eilbeUefsand,

'childh!)od delusions. '.

,

'"/,

i

l218 BORN TO WIN

'

jWhen a. Peooltlint gains Adult awareneS$,~pairof'ten ~-

sul1$,The ,pe!'lOl)can r~acl ~oJhis ynoomf'W"ble .fe~lingby bidptg Iout, oopp.ng QU~gettll'8 nil of orhe... do1ftgnothmg. orpu\ling .

ihe \Adulteg<)s..te iaexOC!I!iye contr()1 ()f thepenonality and I8.

()ing ab<>ur th.e

.

bUtinef5o

.

"rUD.IUII.

'O!"'

.

his.

or.

be.

r.

,()wQIi

..

'fe,'.

TlieAdu1i 0$0~...te.. "1'~Iiv~~ IiC!lIlle~ihat~pe~nis

..

al.

ways.

acting from..

rhe AdU..

11.

.

11~.

I/IaUh.

e..

A<l1Ih

..

auows ap

.

-..pJ'~te ~~prelSjonoralleg<) ~ta!C.~~Use .e~ IuIsits,contd,

bIIuQnto mate to a total peI1Qnallty.TheMIIh,,~uDedIn"...dk!Ii>W'w~n lUIimpuJsem~ lie ~p~\oVI1II~at pre.silre ~d

...hon'it l1j\1Stb.iconlllilU:4 Or~tOlit ~"'allty(Jftbemom'Ut, . . '. ' ......

Foi'rhe /.<Iult\Qgain e-..tive~ 'tJiis..ePcst.alellllistbea~yated andi\lS04.Eyeryone Iulslbisl'O)~ntiaI,"".eJ(thOughfor

'so~e it mayDC?lseedl"so,B""1" JjI~"1I\e ~&y;.;i .\;.it'.",. ~.fadl<) iiI'hear" 1ft Sl)jftOll"e'$ 110\I.., that\doeSltOtmean he.llidts

01\0;he may h"ye .. gQOdOII4.""t It 11$tiI.'" ,!lined o!)anllw...medupbefore it .Cailbe heard4early'..tI~;. .

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Y01lset"" courseoi""""!ite..."""\ilOK ...sempll¥-M ~Poll.hprove:rb~,,*, "ltlhClJi i8no wind, roW.'\"

"".

, "

"~

'

. . ., .

EXPEa~AND 'UEIlCl8BS

Thft Adull ~go SIOlt .. 21'J.Doy"" have any regrets? Ifso, what cOuld you h~ve done dif-: ,

ferently'!What can you do differently no",?. Do you wish you had spent more time or less time with- ,

anyone in paracular? "" '.Were there choices you weren~ aware 0fI"Or ,perha;;' afraid' '

of?'

,

.Did you discover what you value? Are your values what you

want them tQ be?'

".Did you discover something you ~ant to ch~nge now'?

2. Your Last Hour (fanta8Y)

No,", li:>okat yoUr life'from another PerSpective. Iinagine Ilia!,you have one hour of life l,eftand you can spend it with who,lIt-

ever youwisli." , ',' ,,. .." .,

. Whom wbuld you want \<I.bave with you? ,.How and where would you, like .to spend the last ho~r,

togethen'

,', ...Does the perSon(s) know you feel this way?

3. Breakina Out of Your Buh Trap-. - ,

If you feel trapped in any area of your life or up against a w,aU,try the following fantasy exci1rsion.

, J. Close your eyes ~nd fantasize you are ba1ihingyour head ,

, against a high, brick wall, trying to get tosoroething 0'/\ th~ '

otlter side, '" '

,

.WatCh yourself bekling your hew..Naw stop bashing and look, around:'

. Find sOme way to gOlaver, ul/der,or'araund,the waltwiihout,

bashing. If you need something 10 help you., invent it.,

If you think of yourself as ','boxed" in, rake a fantasy !rip into a ,bOx." " ""

,~;"",'.0

2SO" IIO.N TO WIN' ~ ,

o Imagine yourself curled u./' insi~ How d_ ilfeel? DOc.itp~'y"u froIn somctlWta!" SOatcooe?

'.. "n~ne ;vel'8l.ways afgcl1iDg.out~fyour \>Ox.Now, get OUI

of it .', ". , ,".

,.". ,,"

- ~!,you have "'apcd.(rom your box,."".YOJlrsc1flimn.QUlliae,undera,tree. ,'. ,

. ...:' . ,

.' ~,Lbo~~~ I.Oolcboiytat yoiU bolt, ~ at the RS',Jf1ke .

',~~,' ',:',",',::"'<': {.-:_,._',,: ,_:"', ",..'__ ":"f',~~::'.',-:'

it you,.i up~a~..t boIJeitln.andiI-you'renoi1Isscn,.il't to OIiI..,..that' '-y -~aOIl'1 do 111_laml'ofih.aas;" . . ".' .

..Bui1dym;~ all~;'fcudtioard,ne,..pa~ ~ja.tl'. yO\!fllea4 against is.t.9<Ik~hind you.l./hctie .'siJilplQw.y: .

" ~. ". <;, G~ ab..cardbr>Jnl~x.~inlide_pull ~illeiid.sk .

,1I;tC!reawbjle ... ...rin uch wi!h y~ fcetinp.. Nqt,:II!e811,

"

_.,Looi;~ lJieboX..LooIrat ~ ri$. 'or ~ .W/Jtht;" ,:".!"'!",:,

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:", ',",

, .-Isft bY.anyclIanee UlJe~ l.bui1d my oWn:w8l1;.11 \sstQ

,", ~':CIi!In,box?,. ",,' "

,.'.

~:Jl''', what ',dOtiger OUIi>(il'for m~t'I- Wha.does it dO'soo~ .'. ,

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"

,.-,

'o ~1iAiposit1onsdol'reinfo~ in m,..if?

" '

o :Wts mps lid t coli... in' doing Ws?.

. oHm. does if Ii! mY~ '

" ,"'I~tJUs ~baI t "!8IrY wan. 1\1I:.myse1t'l '. ,.jT'

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eo.: COII14I(Poirifili IIIGt; ;.,...",~t"" j;,/fNmtly ,

,

' """"tJr.~, frw-J/N '-III ego "f4"'",

...

.,

,lTIeA.k 4e ""... 211.

. Do ol/le you of doing \heir thinkinaforthem, putting ,

words in their mouihs, never Jetting them stand on theiN,wn.

two feet, havin. all the "!1""?'~ beina una~ab1e 9f un. ,

reachable? ': ,..,...':.

." '> " -',' - - '- --~ - -','

, . '.DO yo\l cvangelize,~dW:.or bulldoze qd!ers!'.Examine dosely the grouJlSwith which you afttUa~. .'Is there room for d~within '*",~tiaI\. or,

are mOstqf the membr.s of the saft\e piOn?' . .",.',

. Woulclyoll1'Parentsba,~' beJon&ed(or.liIt~ to havO~"<longed)~ these groups7 '.:'

. Is o:realivethinking appreciatecloj repm,scd in th~sroups?

. Wh,t common opinionsclo the groups }'OIl~Jlg to I1OkI'I'

,

. If you tend ,tobOlong to resetting UOUPS.quCStioll. .whetherthey really solve problems orjust talk .rout ~,Dolheyapproad> problems from one pomt of view or ftoQ1~y'l

. Do your groups depend on yo" to make ~:.ons fori#l~t

", .00 yo!, tel! thelllwliatto oo?~"""gelhell! to thmlr " aCt

". for ,thell!selves?"

. '.:.

',

. How'often do"'''

say ~ould,M ~ought:' or ''mUst~to othCl8?Are these Adult "sbOuldsM'orParent "dIC>ulds"'l. I

'

."

I .; What subj~ ooyoufmd yourself~g heatecllyand Fe-

.

pea{edly abQUt'I .'.,'

',.

. Collld it possibly,be true that you are expressihg 'IOmcolle.e\Be'svalue judgments without applying yq,urown thoughtand examination to the subject?

/'

.

'

,. .,

Consider: Could il p<miblybe '_'1ulI 1.'-""',100 II'IfUIittIyonJlf/I'iIIopP"'J>rldl'IyI"""my AlluIl <go.rta~' ."

:. 00 YOu.find yoursolf to ~ Overly analytical, tOO ratiol!al. ., nonspolltan~us; &l\d1IIad>i!lelikemoStof the timet..

'00 you consiste~tiy deal withclata Processil!~ rarelY ejl:pressing parental concern 0, chilcllilte pla~?" '

. Are yOu alW&)'SratiOnal With money; I!ffver ~splurting~ illl-pulsively or overindlllging someone with a Present they have .always wanted? "

.

"

282 . BOI!N TO WIN ,, ,

.I?~youhav. litil. time (ar rccre,ationor JUStdoing nathill!?.;D6 you b.lollganly tapro(essiolllll ~ups-gr01Jps ~w~i~

'. gath~r primarily ta .xchang.: data?"

~

:-,-,"'';,':",

.',.'

,

""""

',' "'",.."

· "'<>W!!link?o(your close,(rl~d.. Ai< IhCylimii~ to l1u$i",...

'

; _atO$ , ';. '., '

. Whenyoug~to 8'~itl..th.ri440 yo~alwa,. ,';'kshopat.'f"mdllQ)mClaadpther datafl'OlIi'll"gatil'ie~?"

"',.: ,. _ .i,.: ,h ', -', \.~.'.: .. .. '.. ' .,.:-'-". _.,'..:'.':": :',, ,.:-,>"" .. '," _":',.':

".4rey9u,lICCIIsi!d of \lei_. ~Ilal'un" '>rof ~nritt~1<iag you~''.. Sl\ar~.ofre$pon.ibijiltfOtth~ ~ild~rf'? ,', ,

, '. .' .'. .";: ..

-_

.:-.. -.,': ..', -,.."..

',~ ", J '~:,',".. ..

.!>O Ytl\lJmd tab.. machi!t.;-$eomplllcr 1ustgrindillg o~t ,

tn(ormatiQnan4 deCjsioll~'

' "/' ", ':,

' .'" '".I><I~ ~yo\lr Allah ,to ~1I/)lJaJi, to eXl'lailJaV(aYta"h$

a!l4prcjudi~ ,,''"

'.,

"','

'"'.. .," ',.t', ..,

.1)(, you use it 10 ...tiCkup for" and.,.,tpetuatc P&(Cllt opiinoilS

" <tII1It~.!t a~~tQOthmll\l'lJin~fOt ~u to~x~lIIiIlein~.lCelJt;1>1.:_",: '. , .,>:._':<'-:"

'~_".' " ",«,,:',,~

.~Po~'lIIu~JttO:~lp,t/1e Chll.4 ~cO"~ oth.rs eD4io!ll~e~'".. ,

ChUd"lioOd~ iea~!iS for pl&yiIlgpmes? '- , .

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"'~C!/!ISi4cr;C~l4ld.il~,!b~ ~ I,," IhQi,I OP.llll~.fre~ltllyD1!d10'. itlapp~rla/~Iy/1Pttt "'J' ChJ1~ep '/D"?«

...'..~po yang/ve others' ;'~lhOrity Overyou in~anyway$?' .

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g

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r.you,put.wards it\yaur

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m.

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. ..mOtheryou.giv.y<iJ\tllu!ls rs.oftencometo,.ourrescu.. P ",

. QrkecP youiil yaur.plec.? '.' '.' ..',

.., ~eInine.lllc FoupstQ wllich~aub.long...\',

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,,:',, ,;, ',..

""':",~,N'e they prim'i9ly fPtfUJi?, .'-,<' ,,:,' ",,' '",,' ,,',,-, ",' ;',' ""..,

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r bu..!Iii

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1..F<ir edVljilgyqu.JUjwto t.un.y..urH(e,?' . \ .,' .oJ.)lYyou t~"),9Q.-b~~ ol!..panid"" ~e~~iJ.i'Ii!~~. .o(prQ~I. __44eclsiollfl >':'. ". " ,'..'

,

,. .pOYO!1Io~k100~rs(C)r!WastalJtapprov.l:crit!cls~.or.~'.port?,

'. ,.,''"

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,-

i

"

. The Adult. Ego Slate 283

. Think of you~ ten clO!'e$t friends. Do they have anything in

eonuDon?, Are they playmates? Do the" serve as parent 'fig-ures?"

, .. Dayou 'often say .'1 can't" when yo~,rea'llY' mean ~'!,'\Vo~~t" or

1:1'don't wan~ to"? .'

"

/

'.. -

5. Your Eao State Portrait

"

.UsingdrclC$ of different size~, draw your ego stllt~P<>!'Ir..tas

.

YOIlperceive yourse/fmost of the time. Your portrilit 1I1ightloqksomething like fig. 9.7below.

'.

. Do YOIlsee yourSelf as ha~mg a f~vorite ego ~t.te?.poes your portrait change when the situation changes?' At"wo~k? At home? At school1 At a pariy? Where else?,

.. Does it change with oe,rtain people? A boss? S'ubordinate~Sp<>use?Children?' Friends? Who else? , ' ,

. \.

"

. -.. Now ask a child, sp<>~j friend,~lative, andl')f bus4les$as, .:sodate, to ,draw hQwhe or she perceives you~ Notice any dif. '

ferences? ..,"

' ,

J\fterX:0llha,

ve drawn YOllre~o 'stale portraits, both from. 'Y0llr'

own ptrspectiveand that of others, ask YOllrs~tf, ' ,

. poes this ,satisfy me? If not,what needs' to be changea?'.What contracts do I need to makclWhat Adult questions do I'

need to raise? '

.284"

BQRNTO.WIN .'

".DeeoD~ati... V Aliwt: .

b~e' eff~jv~ methQdfor d_otamiQati~&your Adult troln thep,rcii~ of your t'arenl ,d.li\e1ttUonsof yilUrChild';..\o re-~me )'011'~tieIIa. ."

"'..,.!'

."'..'..'.

"

C .

Forp_i COiIlamlllllllo".' .,..' ,'.,.,.'

.,' ".', '""..,,- ',.' ,.'",",'. ,., ',,-

"o Li-tfour adj~)'OII_ wbe...t8IIGIIIs.ab!wt~~ a'dlff~(.~ ~. ap. te)l8iotl. educalion. <:laSt..~...

',8/'OIIJtI1,'.OIi;,f~~pIe~, ". ". '.'.;,'.

Well -.e ' ' "..., , " .',

:WOlnettafe';~

J.'',~L'

.-,~,.:;,"{",":':;',<,

..Jews ' . ," '.Qen1i1es are, . , '.., ,

,,'Blai:lts ate , ' '

.Whili'S ate

-_:... '>'>," i.,' .i;,': ':c,',:::,\i,>'" ':'

":.'." '"".\~~", <'. ",>":'I':\:l "~:':;

'000 yOlib.",e .QtIiclt,III'altd"'*t~ ilalli toverilY~tr.~helie!$,or ,by.., .dt8o"",.bawyoutaked~ ~ ~d.OII .,,,,-Ihe "*IS o~

""ea~? ()I).'h. bUil ofb~:OtI

. lhe balisof MaStnieiii. j)lI>iranl'lI\ing'T', >:- - .;:, :(~-o -lilow re.v.erse'y.. a""II'J>!iens; Uaips adjec>l\\'Osthat ..

""

.. rev oflhe ..t.i'yOIi-II~, Wha' dOyou'dI6co~er1.. .'

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':.

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J_,.':~.

P'I" CN'"f;onlair!/R4l,.1/oS . .' "',', "

::':';', ", ,,;<'_"~.~ '-"'_ -" "

,_,', - I.' ,:'" :."_

... DI1yPU.illeo 1Isj;,word&indic""llg ,bat ypo.are waitioslor.a. anagieal,Per..,,, er_event'!.Wqrds .""h IS ,. ,:,,-When (if o!lly),~/sht .ballt~,.. ,

".

,Wheq1iC onIy)J ie",iaMe~,>, -.' .When(if only}I.ge' ~"'" . : ' . '

,.

::::1Yr:t~~:iIf-~f:~ft~;,:.' ,:"."

. ~yon often_:wOlds\11,\i~~~thh.k, 0(~"~('!1. OJ1e~lj/l~~.dWllIt' "'~.\I~", ;-, , ,

,'f'';' so be~S$Jj\"t'.. . ';" :' .;.: '"

. 'I'm sOs'lIpidtil81.:: ;'.

I'm. so deprtssed'lhll., ,', .."

,',.

'".

-. ,

Tht Adull.Ego. S/Qrt. 285

I'm so confused lhat. . . .

~ Whal do you frequently slale ahout yourself'?I'm so . . . that.. . . '

. Now reverse any of the ahove assumptions you havemacle:,forexample: : :. He/she may never change so. . '

I'm so pow.rfullhil!. ..' .I'm so. '. ,t~at.., . .' . , .

After you. have considered possible Parenl and Child contami.nations/ ask .ypurself the following questions,

. ... .

.Am I satisfiedwilh what. I've discovered?.

. What do I need to re-evaluate?.,Wbat do I need to change?.

. Whal conlracts do I need 10 mak'e?

. Wh~t Adult questions do I need to raise1,,' t

7. ~aming fromYour Projection.,

Olhers Often serve as mirrors. When you look, you see yourself!Learning from your projections is a useful 1001in self-knowl.edge Let us look alone way to begin.

'.

,visualize someone whom you particularly dislike. . ,. What are Ihe things you don'l like about tIIis pOrson?.Do you know others whO are this way1 Do you also,dislike

Ihem? . ,.NO}Vvisualize yo'urself ti having ihese same Iraits.Seeyour.

self in action.

. Do or be the very lhillgsthat, annoy you i~ olhers.'.Now raise tbequeslion; Could it possibly be true tltatl am theone who does or is' these things? ~.

.

Now "isuallZ~ someone you partieularly admire.

. .what are the things you.like a""ut Ihis.)"'rson?

186 BQRNTO WIN

- Do )'OUknow oth.rs who possess similar traits? Do YODaboadmkc th... pepple? '.'

.

- Next, visualizO yourself t81kiDg.walking. performing. doing.11I01being what you adntkc in th.m. SCC1yourself .. having

i thcit"tr'lits.. ': .

- Now raise the qucltiou: Coulcl.it'possibly be th~ I havethe potcndalto actu.ny do aad be th... thiugs m)'sc1f'! ..

f1~ au. k keep tWoICpatattlisll. ..~. 9D one ti$tWritc down an t)je.tbinP you liccusl:othencit(lhe.

rejects me, he'$ ltupia,my husband/Wite is. fOOliug aroUl1d. .

. lhe'l alwaysaagry,litha"," me,~,) . ' . . .

- On the oth.rUlt'keep traCICwan th-.iatcments of admiratiouYOu mlike (she's iO lIffectio~, h~'1 thoughtful, iny wifI'IhUSband always knoWs the right thing.., say, he's great with,children,' /lei so/le is. very clear,1IIe.)

- At the. end of the week,cumine )'oarllsts. 1><1.)'011,see any

;pattcms? . '. .-NoWraisethe-questiOli:~d il possiblybe th~t:l..,:.?For exampl., "CQuidit posSiblyhe true thetl tcjeciMaryfor..die veryreasolli I <;!aimshe rejeCtslI1e?""Couldit~yhetrue that I'~ like 1O.'WaIkout of this marriage'... I h... ~Dick of wlllting to .do?"

'.. '. . .' .

.

,

8. W81'D1q ,",m Your!JN8m8

MillY pe.,jlle claim 10 forgetthei'r dreiun$.Jf YOD~ 9RC Qfth~, ke.p ~ncil and pa~rby your bed IiDd 'I\'f!Ieyourdream.downimmedial~Y. Eve!)'dtcam hasam~. Todis-.~ct.the messageyour dream haldSfor.you; Petls so.ts thefollowing ~ssr .

. writ. dI. dream <IGwJIaDdmilk. $ list of.ill the details ill the drol!lll.. Oct overy person. eVery !hile. overy giood,"md then wQrkon ~... to be:

"""",...h ..n.!i.f!he\D.H.m it up.andrWly Iransforminto.., oflbedIft'_t i Reallybecpme1hattbin.-wil it is in . dream-be.

it U"YOUfm.pc. 'f11r1Iinto !,haIullY f!OJDrwh er is thcre-tbedeadtbine. fhe live tbinc. Ibe demon-aDd .",p~iD~ms.

.

i.1

II

II

.,I.,

,

'

Tilt AdIIl, Ep'S'lI'~ 187

Next, take each one ofthcse different Uems..characten. and parts. and,tetthem have encounters betWeenJhent~ Wrhe .script. By""'t. a script" [

.me.. have a dialogue between the two oppoaing pans and you willl1n<i--especially if you get the com:ct opposites-that they always start out fight-ing eileh other [20~ '

.After you ha"e ori<ed through a dream Qra dream fragmenl,as Perls suggests. ask yourself, "Was I ."ellding something inthe dream? Was I running away?'Hiding? No. able '0 use mylegs or "oice? Wha'?"' ,

'. : .Jf so: is,il umil... 10 my teal.llfe avoidance pallems?,

9.Problem..solvIDg Teelmtque

lfyori ha"e a problem lhal needs solVing-such as how 10gel ajob. how \0 ehange a behavior pattern. how 10 improve familyrelationships-activale your Adult'by following specific steps.Some sleps may n~1 apply 10ail problems, bUI alleast consider

,them as you move through, the process.

. I. Define Ihe ~blem and write il down (yOIl may fin41hatwhat you Ihoughl was the problemisn'l ~he basic one).

21 Whal are your Parents'opinio,ns. information, and be-havior concerning this problepl?

".Lisl whal each of your Parenl figures would say or dQ. ,about it. ".Lislen 10 your Parents speaking in your head. W rile down

Iheluhoulds. oughts. etc. Now list whal they avoided and, thtir nonverbal :messages.

3. ~x~ consider your Child's feelitlgs.alliludes. and infor- '

mation about the problem. '

..List the feelings you ha".lhat are relaled 10 the problem.Are these stamp's. or are they legitimale feelings? ..Are any games being played in conneCtion with Ihe prob-

lem?' ' ., ..Dl>es Ih. problem fil'inlo your construCtive. destructiv~

or nonproduclive scrip.?' Are" any manipulative rolesbeing played? .

"

,

4. Evalu~le'he above Parenl and Child data with your Adult..Whal Parent attitudes hinder youmsolving the p,n!>lem?

. m lORN TO WIN .

Whal P nl anil"d~ aid.you in S!>IYiD&the probl~m? ,

" Whal GbUd f~liDgs and adaptations IUndef you in S!>Iv-. ins th~ probkm?'Wha! (:lIild f~ and adaptations

aid you in solvins Ihe problem?, .' . ,," Whal tOiutiotl wou\d'pl_ your PaR..t? Woulcl il be,ap-

"propriate Or cXs\tUCtift for )'011to cIothis? .. W

.

ho;l."'IlutiOll woulcl pJwe your Chil.

d? WOUld il be apo,propnat~or cXstruct1ve? ' ...'

",. '..bltagiMaUema~ ways'to soift the P:i'ob1eIn.\)f,)1101cen-sor any id_.bIs~ad, use yol!rLittll>Prof r ahd "b~.

'

slOrm,~ COme u\l With as many J)OSSibi1i~ as )'j)iI can-~V~1tif some _m,ridicuIous,',., '

6: Th~1tcon$id~d.lt~aildextema1resourc~~ryforeadlbrainslOrm~ sOlution. Are 11\"Rs(IuJC\!Savail~e?Are they appropriate?

''. ' , '

? Estimatetheprobabili~ofsua:as ftomead1~~.W."s oul th_lh!olare I1OlptlSlible.' ' '.

, 8. select tWo «it lhJCe tbM e the most possil>le. OIl ~.'ti.- ,, .sis ~th" f&\1tSancl}our ~alive imaginaliOft.~~

decisiOII.

"

, , ,', .",

9,B~aw of the ~ of yoIirdeci$iClIi.'

" "\ . -.

Decitions \batl"" "feet~" may be sati$fyiAJ to

aU ego states; A deI;iSioD that 1iIak~. )'Qu fedlincomfort-iIbIe l!Iay haft your parenltd'Qr Child fiJllfillJapioat it,may ~aUy be IlarmfuJto yc>mselfor,others, or !Oaybe

'si~piy th~ WtonJlkcisiori. ' '.

IO.~tabli.sl!ihe ConIJa~rl)iJ'lIee4, 10 ca!'}' oiatd.~.cIt!ci-. . SIO". RiIisti.,the appropnateMull quesllons ,\bat fil yourcOntraCL ',' .'

II. ImpIemUI)'QUr decision with~OII. If pOssib\e,~,kll'"ilt ",snIiIUfty.Tben!llOft ~ Wjth II10R~er. '.

12.E atatllulR..gihsahd weaknesses of Y9ur plait is you

8" aJoq, Mlke'iIt!Y nec:asary adjuslliluts; ',',,'

U. ,EnjoyY"urs~. 1¥1i!>1 beOverly c.ut CiOwnby )'Qur,

faihim. team from them and,start agailt. (:oIISIcierJohn

'".' .' '.

, n. ..." E,. St.,. 219Dewey's statement, "The penon who really thinks, learnsquite IS much flOm his failurts as flOm his successes."

When lose.. make decisions. they usually put the blame some- " '

where else if thin.. go WJ'OUS-When,"winne.. make decisions,they usuaUy take responsibility for them whether the decisions

I

are right or wrong,

I~

I,

1.,'

I

"

10AutonOmy andMult Ethics

"

,.

M1'" ulll_,lydecidi,fm: Irlmulfl.II lid In Ih..1Id, "",CDllon _$I b<I

'education iOW(l1dlh. tIbI/JlylO .'Vlklo, Frank/., ' ,

.

,',",'

,:I

Ac!U.viQg autOllOm~ is th. ullin!att:goa1iillr~nal~. I8eUlg autonolllOIll means btin8 ..If,govenung, delltminmg Ione'.OWII.~tiay, t.aking responsibility fOI on.!. own actions and I

r..nllg!l..an~ tbro'Ning off pa~ tho' are inelIVanfandinap.p/op~iate to Uvilliilt !h. !me ,and now. .'

Ev.ryon. has ths cap~ty to. obtain a measUllofau\ol10lilY.Bilt in spite of \lie fact that autonomy is a human birthright;' fow,actually achieve it.Bern:e write."

lot... i. bOrnCree,bu, on. of lite flllt thinI' h. I is to dOas h tokl.'and h. spend! the rest0fbis,lif. cIoiasthaL ThuS!lis fillt .nslavem..., is tohi. paroou.f:(efollov,o.their instnletiOD$forev.""o r'wmna only in

; SOm'c lite right to cl\oooehisown methodaand consolin, hi_lfwithan nfusion of autonomy 111.

''"

"PeopJOIW'

,

luffer,

IUIde,'

I th. i,

Uusion 0,

fauto,

n"l'.'Y if they think th,'Y

, ::~=:-~~:,~.:~~=~a:r~°.:it:~r.~;.~ampl.. a peraon who II Parent p,'Ogtamm,d to ~ lII\.vang.lUt

,

may Joil),the d$iIgJCeUIand!h.o With religious zeat.evanpliJeoth,rsinto foUO'Ning.Choosiag the ..ttlllll:for evang.lizingmay

. slv. th. pilson the illusion or~dom wh.n actually th.tnsl.v.-. m.nt to pallntal instructions has only,"n d~uisld. . ',

, . Similarly, a woman with a SC;riptJiklB.auty and the B.ut may.beli.v. 'sh. is .freeiQg\I.~lf from a Uf. of misery by divorcing a, ,m i'

.. . .

AIIIMOM)'"lid AM Elida 291

beast, d rcmorrying when actually She may be only trading inol1e kind of beast for other.

A truly autonomous penon. aa:ording to Berne. is one whodemonstralcs "the relesseor _err of three capadtics: aware-,n spontaneity. and intimacy" (2).

,

AWARBNB88

Awareneis is knowing what is hapPening now. An ...1!>n01I\!)USpert9II is a"""e., ~ penon peell.away the layers of COI\IamiD..,Don from the Adult and begins to hear., amen, touch, taste,

'~tudy, d evaluate independently. Shedding old opink>nI thatdjstort present perception, the aware penon pen:eiVCI the1\'Ofldthrnugb perfOnaJ encounter rather than the way lie or'"," w."taught" to see it.,

Knowing that life is temporal, an aware person a~atcs na-ture now. An av.\arepenon experi",,_ that part of the onIverae' ,known to the self. as wen as the mys\ery of.those unive~yet ..be discovered. An aWare person can stand by a Jake. study a but- ,

ter""!>. feel the wind, and experience a sense, <\f awe. An awareperson can look at a sunset and say. '~Wow!"

,

An aWare person listens to the mesnges of the body. JawoLiing'when he or she is becoming _or relax<>cl,is being open or wlth-,,drawn. An aware penon knOws the inner wcirld of feeJin8s and,f ~ and is 'not afraid or ashamed of them.

'An awll1'epenon also hears other people. listening and giving.active feedbac:k when they talk. An ,aware penon's psychic energyisn't used, to form a qUC$Doo,<:reate a diversion, or plan a mentalcounterattack. Instead, he or she attempts to make p\line eon-tact with the other person by learning the skills ofbOth talking andlistening. , ','

,

An awareJlOfSOl'is all there and fully'aware. HIs or her'mind'and b2!Iyrespond in unison to the here and ~: the body is.11OtdOing one Ihingwhi1e the mind focuses on SOIII!'thiJIgelse. ~perSOl\ .

'

'

,

doesn't use angt). words while smiling.

doC$II't frown Or _I ;'hen the ,,"'won calls for l'I1Igb",

doesn'i rush through a picnic to get \laeI< to something thai"really matters.", ",

, , ,

,'

, Z9Z, .O~N TO_WIN, .

does~'t ,mentally write'an important business letter \yhile.makUlglove, .' " . .

.40esn't rehash w~t happeped last ni'~twhilewiiting~hat im:portant letter at tM om~,

," ,

'.'

~f:'n't wear roae,coloredglas~s'$o' avoid the hard fal:ts 0'"\

'..,

doesn't riddle w'hile R(IIne bums,.

.

. . . . . ., P"'pleW~O at!: .."'at!: kno", w~ere they are, what they're doiils,..rt;,liow they fe.hbo'uli~,AsAbraham Wnw".. observe!t lfWeeoul,f I!ntknowwhetewe ... and wbither we are tcnellns,we .

Couldb'cotterju~ ",bat to do and how 10do it," .'. ,'. .

TIi~nt $lep1O!~e8rati()nihwarenllls. with the ~j!Ullasexec-.utlve,

,'A'perS.i.

,

.

nwho~m..,

,.ware of.aCtioglib"'

.

Iy.

rant..

o.

'r..,sulJnandeCk\ewllat 10 do ..boUnhil' behvlor...whe!herto

kDO~njlyk~ ii. Qwn.it, "'d,bei~ <Ii'whether lOihrow ii in .thepaiial0l!8 with ibeJestof,the gar\>a8C,if thai ~ what he'Or she de.

, ,oj_. iti" Perls cl,.;l)'Is,"Everything i$gtoullded ill,(lw~en"l3I,~ ~. ..' ...

I.

SPONTAmT1I':

$P\'Ift~elty isth\! t'l'Udolllto cIt~fI9m,t&cftlll ~um ,of.

,,~a;U:~~~::;~e'~:J~~I,~;~::k:~:~s~:::;':~ .

,

.ntOlis,andflexible-not j'~ly impulSive:Thil persOn~.Ih.lit,,,, options a',oailable .,.d uses what beb'avlorseemslo be lIP"propriate to the sl~tion, an~ 10 ller orbi~ goals, . ",

A spontaneous p_ tsbbera.ted, m.klng and-accepU.!Ig reoSpoli,li\)ility for pe(Sqnal.choices: Thb pe,:",n gets rid of Ibe~III'pul.1On ICI1I.,ea pred'etcri1tined Iife.llYle and ipS\ead leiln\$.tO fac:enew sit\l&tIDOs. and lCIexpl<>r.e npo ways of think in.. fceHII'g.and

:r:~~:SOl.:rbte"'be=~tiY'in~reaseland rc:"y*lu..~ a

.

TIM spuntaneouspetoon usesoi' recaptures i!te"'al:lilf!y1O~Cide_ '

., =::;~~:::':~~,~;t.t::f:::nr;\be'mtrq' ot"tate,fl I.Jllles pmon makes decisiQllSieve\'lthou8h~ DotalwaY'ri8h1, personaJp4IwerremaiJ1sundfrec~d and .,he edUcunctear OJ'unstable. DeciliOl\lessn accordin&to Mat-tlDBuber, b ,e~~".ViI i. the aimless whirl of hu",anpote~tia1i.

"

A "'Momy IIiId~AdMllElhlcJ 293

tics withoutwhich nOllling can be achieved and'by which, if theytake no directiQl1 bul remai,n ,trapped in Ihemselves, .verythinggoes awry" [5J. In 'this sense the autonomous person is on. wholI\ak.s decisionswhich give purposeful dir.ction 10his or her own '

po.l.ntlaiities, Within realistic limilalions, the person knowinglylakes responsibility for' a self-imposed deiJtiny.

. .To consciously decide for oneself from the Adull ego slate is to

be free-fr.. in spite of b~sic instinctt or drives, free. in spite of in-herited charact.ristics and' environmental influen~ Viktor'Frankl writes: ",

''

,

iI

. . .Certainty m~ has insti1K:t5,but th~instinGts .~~ not haft him. We, ~.ve~othing against instincts, nor alai¥'- a mar.."s.ccep~& them. But we .holdthat su

..h ac~eptanc. mUSIaloc prosu

.

opposeIh. _. "

'billt\, of rqec.

'don,In.

otherwords, the" -muslhavebeeafreedom or decision... .".

..

. . '.As for inberitance, iesearch oi1h~re~y has shown how hi8h'isdl~"~re. of l1,u~n,frtido~ in the face of p~isl'OSition.,F", .xample,tw.n. may tijlilddiff.rent b...on Ih. b..is 0' Ideo~calp~lSp""uon~ Of '

a pair ofidenticahwins, one became a cunniDgcritBinal, while'his, b~thorbecamc=an. equaUycunning ~rimiliologist.. . ~

.....

. .,.:

. . "_. As for enyironment,we know "that it.does riot make man, but thateVerything d.peo~' on what man makes of it, on hi, atiitud. toWard It (6),.

'A person musl do more, however, than make a !lecision. Unl.'F-,

the person actt on thai decision, il is meaningl Only when one sin,n.r .Ihic and oUlwardbehavior match isa person congruenl and

'whqle, A sponlaneous per",n is free to "do his own IlIing," bUI nolat the e~p.nse of othe" through .exploitalion and/or indiff.rence.

INTIM Cy ,, . ,

Intimacyi. expr.ssing lI1e NaturaL Child feelings ofwar.nilh, ten,d.ra art!!clOsenessto olhers, Many people suff.r from art in- ,

abili!y to ~xp'esssuch closen Maslow secubis as particularly"lrue of Amencans: . .. . ..Americansne~sO"m~y ~ore,therapiSt~ than dte'~st or thC'~orld I

needs because theyjust don't know how 10"beintimat~that t)1eyhave nointimate .friendshipfI,'bycompari$on'with the EurQpeans:and that,there.fore, they really hs.. no d.ep fri.ndS to unburde. th~nlsel." to (1),

. , .

AutOnomo~s persons ri$lt friendships and intiniacy when theydecide il is appropriale. This does nOI ~me easily to J"'ople who

,

/

----

. -~-

-~::

---

.296'. . ~N TO' WIN. . .,

.' -,.'.',",''-'. .'

- ..".'have restricted thair affeccioDalc-reeUI!JSand are 1101in the habit

:r..:~~~.;~~~~r=~==:.tN=rO'~they try..' . '.

'. , .'i '. .

.

In the,_ of~" thisc:apecilyforlptimacy,apeltODbecomes more open~leamUo"l8tao,~ becoIDes'mOR!':If,re.vealiDlbydroppin8-.e O(the ~but. alwayswitJI.theawarea'essof the AdolL The perI01I~rai!lSfrom tto"~DI wi,hothers .iDways thai preY=t ~""8'!'Oids U$iDs~,ctOIICd~. i!'"playing the penoJIf*YS,""'csooly if it isalXlllSCiool8decision4.,.ftap iol ,.tshID8!i>~1

~.time QleDel'8Yina pat!ieulu~\II"skll8lion.'""

per.ortdOesIIOlf<)l'OOoth\=R10play~r, RC8CIier,Ory~ !O,-lir 10remainCODIIaDIChild; eoilititiilPareDi, or,COIIII8nlAdutt In.slead, the pOrIOlIanemplllObe openaod a!llit.Iic,OJIiltingwith

. others in Ihe here and now, aod also allenipl$ tq thers ia their.OWD .11I.iqUeness.nOttIm1..p dillO~ of pasl experiences: T~

.,.:OOn do"'n'I'''se acCIisation as '. ,

. '\ ~ .

''You:re'just", sloppyasyo..r mOther!" ."",' l ,.'. "..

.",

"

.

"f,fyfall!et c:ou1dliuaythina- Why C8D'lyo,Jevenfi'!th~,.water (8ucct1-,.,' '. ..\

""',.".

:,'

" "Yo,,~ jo.I"!!e my brOth~, alWjI)hhininjlb{ "''''I,}'~

"'",want!,.', . "".;~;/

,"Yo"'rejusl,like my sister-everjthin8hadt~ he.,htr; .1

way!";.~. ' ,,<.'

.

People who rejecl awareness. sponlaneily, and intimacy also re-ject the responsi\lility for sIIaping their owlllives, TIley think ofIhe)Dselvesas"ilher lucky or olll..ay, a min8withOIIIquestionthat' '- ~'.

~.

. I' .'... '.

"

,":;.'

it's 'IIJeIIIIrlohe. and can't he ch8D~d,;/

." "".".

c ' .'. .:.. .'..."

,

. Jt'S meailltohea!ldsbO~ldn'I,he <ih.I\~;

"

/il's~dC)bcI,"donTy cancbanseiL

In ,i'onltast; ..iIODOI"ilollgpe["",s are concerned witll. "bCiIl8.""ihey'allow'U"ir()Wncapa<:itie.1O unfold and ~ncoura8e olhen 10

. 41Hhe same.rhey-projectlhei[ o~n ptISIibilitiesinlMhe fUlure.as ,I

I

, _ A""ElIIIa 291realistic,gPaIswhich pve aim and purpose to their Iiv!=s.They ...,.rince only wheDthey arc sacrinc:iDga

'-"vallie tor a greater

'value according totheit ,own val... s,.tem.Tbey arc not con-cerned with getting more, bIlt with beJJtr more.

TBB INTBG"'TBD ADt1LT

People mo"lIltoWud alltollomy expand their penoDai capac:iliesfor aware spoDtaneity,&lidillti~. As this OCC\II'Sth~de-velop iDtegratedMlllt egP states. FilteriDgmore &lidmore Parco!and Child material throup their Adllit &lid ,eamiDl Dew be-haVior pattems are parts Of theiDtegratiog 'process. Berne de-scribes the iDtegrated Ad!llt [I),

,

'" ', .

' ' .. . .ita~ that ..many __ c:ertaiacItik\-likequolili.. becomdnlO'grated into the Multego atate in. manner different ft'om thec:odtamina-

'1iOD process. 1'b&m~m of this "inte1f8lioo.,resnains lobe eIuo!dat-cd, but'it can be oboerved that<:er18iD people when IUnCtioniog Adult. bavoacbll'lilandop.na.ofbature_iuemiDiocentofdtatoxllibi1ed

'by chilclten. Alonl with th..e JOce,..;a reaponsi fee1iop Io!"ardtharest of bulll8llity wbich may be subsumed under the cIassic:ol term ....thO$..On the othq band, there'_ moralqualili.. wbicb_ oni~...peeled of people who undertake grown-up respodSibi61i01. such a\tri-

\.'

'Etbtoal _Ibtll'lj.Objeotl..data__Pef8C88I.ttr...ltl~.---;',.

_ OrdorIftruc!ural AD..,... of tho Adult It I

I

-I

III

.\

29& - B()RN T() WIN

buw u cour.. linc:erity. loyalty, and reliabililY,""d whiclt moel nOI.

mere I'!C"Iprqadi_ bat aworlcl.wjde'.thos.lD IhiI JCIUCtile ~dull canbe Did to"'" cbild-lik.""d ethic:al~but tIIis remainJ tII. mosl ob-

area m struc:I1IraIana1ysiI.oo thalli 11110\pOIIihle at Pr-' 10clarityilcliDica11Y-For _demIc pUrpoaeaand ill onjer ioexploin "".wo Clinical .

phODPD1 however. il would be defensible to ...b<fi1rid- the Mol' intoth ,

.

. '.' 't~. IhiI m that Ulyoneftml:lionin&u an MullI/tOIoIcIi~. exhibitdIIeekindsoftend :.~.. at~and~:.u" ~bjeoti..<Ia"'~ and.thica/r..fIOIIIi_.. .This "leira~ ~ It dUlimin&eu:;' an4 cour CIC.,ill biIAdult ""'te;wlilte\ier qaOliti.. he bu ordOel1lO\ "ave ill hJaChild and P .0111...""' The "1UIiII~. peioon 1114y""" to bliJig clt8fD1in8.

. and;may foel that he .,w,,1Itbe ~.raa""ui (101 ".

The ~rson in the p,om. of inlegradon takCl responsibility toreverylltin. he or sh. feels, thinks, ,and believes and also either hasor devOlops an OtbiCalsystem for J!fe~ethos. The person also goth,en iIIfOrtnation ud compntCS olijective1y-techni~ [lIIIn addi-tion. the person dcvel9ps social gra~ousn... and expe!ien<;es theemotions .of passion. lenderness. and suffering-pathos_

. DUringthis process the ego slalel go tbroup a aerie. ol'chan'whiclt areiUllSItated in FiJ. 10,2. '"

ffi.

.

p

..

.

.

.

.

A-"

C

..AdUlt 'Adult,' Ad:ntt'A or llplUDtad ]I'U__Pat..t~ Qikt, Dt-oaaCamiDutlob' .r8ehf.riH

,'.

~ porseD~os.Adull is inlegrated may.revert allim..lo ar- .chaicbehavk>r from Ihe Parenr or Cpild. Perlsclaims thllhere i,s

. .

Au,onomy QJldAdul, Ethics 299

no such thing as IOtalintegration. However, in tbe ongoing processof integration, a person becomes more and more respoosible for.her or his own life.

. J.Tbe il1\egrated Adult appears 10 be similar to. wbatEnch

.Fromm calls theful/y tkveloped pe,j()n ml, and 10wbat AbrahamMasl!"", calls tbe self-actualizing person. In addition 10using theiroWn talents andin\ellects, Maslow claims, self-actualizing peopleiake responsibility for others as..well as for themselves ""d

bave achildlike capacity. for awareness and pl...ure. '. '.

.

,These iadividuals CU$tqmarily,have 5OQ1tmission 111life, some taSk tq 'ful.r.u. some problein outside themselves wlrich enUsts much oftheir'energies.-. . ."In general, these tasks are QOD.personaior unselfISh, concc_row ratherwith the &000.or~kin4 in general, or,ofa D!ition in general.. ':' . Ordi-narily con~me~ with basic issues and eternal questions, such ~Ie Jive,'

. customarily in the wi~t possible frame o~referenCe.. . ,Tl1ey work with.;in a framework of values that are, btoad'&l1d not petty, universal' and not1ocaI~and in terms of a century rather ~aJ1 a m(Ullent. . . b~ !he ~on.

. dcrfutcapacity to appreciate again and again, freshly and naivelY, the basic,goods ~f life with awe, pleasure, wonder; and even eatasy, however stalethese eJlperienccsmay havebecolnc'to ot~ers 113],

.

It appears that the per"",,:.vho is most fully In lOu~b with his orher own buman potential is inthe process of integrating the Adult.This person: has the honestconce~,nda commitment toW'ar~'

.otbers tnat are cha.racteristic ofa.goodparent. the intelligence to_ solve problems tbat is cbaraCteristic of an adult,'and the ability to

create;_cxprt;ssawe, flD,dshowaffecUQD that are characteristicof,ahappy and healthy child. .

ADULT FEELINGS

At tbe time oftbis writing. research wotkers are still conductingfurther studies in an effort to better understand (eelings in the

Adult and the integrated Adult. We believe that unless integrated,the Adult functions oD.ly as a data-processing macbine.

An unfeeling machin.e as'tbeexecutive Ofthe perSonality wouldcreate an inadequate personality_ A machine bas no etbicaI valuesyslelri, do emotional capacity. It cannot cbange or program itself,Therefore, we think it istbe integrated Adult that contains Adultfeelings and. ethics as well as tecbuiesl skills. and' ability_.

. .Feelings tbat are copied, usually as attitudes or belfefs, are likely

JOO IfORN.TO WIN ,

'

10 be,

in,

the,

Jiarell,

t Fe,

el,

in,

,pt"P,

'rlen«d,

,

.' .

,

in,

infancy and,

child!lood,

are I~ylo be in theCbild. Feelinpllral area gtlllilll' rupi>tt.tt tD, an a£/Jial ,'Iliall... /utppl1lill"0W are likely ,Io/l,ve 'SOmeAdultinvolvement. Eilller lIie AdJlIt infOrms Ihe ClII1d of lIIe sil1l&lionsOiIIal!he reSpo~ isau~ticor certamfeelinp bave,~ inle,graledinto lIIe Adult.

"'

, ,',,,'

',",','

For ~~.."le.an8IY temper !antrums are rackclJof the ChUd.,,· buLlORi!imal~,indilnalion !lr OUI/ase Ihlids baSed,on oboervinJ ~

, aj:tuafinjJlStice ipdicate Adullresponsibility.'" .' ,,',

, 1'fUsllII\d adl"iraliOll ar" reelings<»' I/le Cbild ...lro believ,," tIi!I\,

~Ie ~ OK. BuI""'U!ne res""'l or Ol/lm ~d 011o!lject!1/O.~liOJ!Sof Ihem is Mull; \ ',

Dcpressioll is an Indulgence of lire Child. ...hereas <l8IJI8iri~lies Adult awa:reniOSS'ofa Ira8iCrealily., ",',

Ouillred,

inpc:a,n

,

be a s\&mpaddo,

de<lIO,IIIO,

Child

,

'SCO,

lIec:ti

,

,,'Qn

,

0/

can be an,adthenlic response'10 an aclual wrongdoing. " '.'.Sympathy'islikelyto be copied from a parenl; un)lentaildi~

involves AdulljnformaliOll.,' '

,

'

ADULT,BTHICS,,

"',- ".

'"','

"..'

c..',-

,', ':':... -..':,,: >':Tbe processoOnleS/aling servesas~cat,aly.st mOlivatitlllbe ,per-!iOnto re-evaluale a~nlvalueSy..m and 10desip . t>et!iOnaI.elhical-COde' , ,

'',' " '

',If a penon does somelhing ",00d~ beeaUs,~ofa mould fHi''!1', f/!IID Parenl provamming. this ISan actqf, Obedi

,enoe r&!hft. thJII!

one' based oil an' Othical principle, AlUIough a, Parent-pro"grammed acl may be wholesome. it is IIOI!lecessarily baseel ()n the

. penon'saulonomous, elhical cJeeision.,HistOry is, rlliedwitl),

buman tragedi~s of '!naware ,obedience. Ireaedies broughlabQul'

"-use people blindly COIIform.d 10en-aulhority whose pDrppae,

was 1O,I\eep otlten <lepCndenl,unabl. ,10 chaIIg~., <It 10,~diem'".; ,',"",', , .',

.,',

,,',,',

'\,'

To' .~tabIiS1t.~IIAcJvllcode of ~tliics. bolll Par,enland ChIlo!,,opiniQl1S,atlelf"lInp iteeel 10 be SCtIltinized obj~...ly""iihtlle

", MUll. 11tis..ruliny dOes nol imply I1W pejt teaeltinp aren_ 'sarjlytllrOwn OUI by the, rebeUioU$ Cbil\l, forllll!l1Y,.,epu I,""'m,lta fa!iol\ai,ethical sys~m., !tatller. bo~f'.rCpt'nd Chii'd,valueure."amined. Whalls foundto~ arbitrary. iiI'.lev~1, ordestructive is ~rcled. Whal;" found to beconduciv. 10srow\ll

, I~ integrated. This pri>cesI'brif8' into. question mary treuured .

"

,

.Autonomy and Adult Ethics )01

opini~ns-opinions which may have been carefully handed downfrom gene'ration to gencrationtl1'fOugh the Parent ego state andperhaps oheyed by a compliant Child. .

.

A person does notbave to be enshived by the past, but can tran-scend past influences and respond in freedom. Using tlte Adultego state, a person can re-tk£itk what is right and what is wrongbased on. actions that,.when examined in their realitY,preserve'the

'health and dig~ity of the person and of the human race.All. Adulqthical.system is based on an AdultI'm OK and

You're 0 K. This Adult position is differentfrom an unexaminedChild position ofI'm OK and You're OK which is basic t",mentalheal~h. but which can re~ain either as a naive, exaggerated senseo( OKrtess or as a manic refusal to'recognit't a-riythingnegative(14). An ethical position;evaluated by the Adult, reflects a basicrespect for oneself and for Others un."1 rea.lity indicates otherwise.It is a position that d.isa:imirtatesand recognizes the negative as,well as the positive. .

.The protection, enhanccment, and well-being ofpeopkand the,

pro~ctionj enhancem,en~, ,and w:~l1.being ,of the inanimat~ andanimate natural world are fundamentals on which' Adul~' ethicsare based., Adult ethics are supportive of human life~supportiyeof winners. '.

A de~sionis ethicalifitel}hances self.respect, develo~ person.al integrity and integrity in re.lationships, dissolves unreal.barriersbetween people, builds a core of genuine confidence in self andot~ers, and fa~ilitate~ the actuali.iing of human ,potentials wi~houtbringingharm to others. .

A decision is not ethical if as a result a person is exploited andused as an inhuman object, if hUmiiOHfeis threatened fOrulteriorpurposes; if barriers are built between. people, ifhuman potentialsare belittled, squelched, or ignored, and if there is no possibility offree choice'. . .

One's value system can be judged by Ihe way in wl>ich a personrelate, to all things. The ethical person e.tahlishes a practical,workable, coneerned, and enhancing relationship with the tOtt¥environment. '. Human survival ana oontinuing deveit>pment depend nolonlyon how we transactwith ourfdtow humans but also on how we re-late toOtherest'of ol.irenvironment.' The inanimate world, which.includes rocks, sunsets, w~ter, and air, 'and the animatcrworld ofliving plants and animals are at our mercy. We have the power toenjoy them, to enhance them, or to destroy tbem. Wh(,A:e misuse

/

:iIn' BORNTO "'IN'them by poUuting air and waterways,.by rendering land barren. byc:a:usingthe extinclion of a specie.. or by upsetting the ecological,balance, hIs out ownexistcncc ami-continuance as a race whichare, in thelbng run, thte'ltened, OurowlI exploitation of our envi-.ro~onf\!l!ll~y can dcx>m liS .to.a tragic enditlg.'

1.1>elhi~ person doe. ncitdisc!lunt problcDlS o~ thejr~'cance. bUt iDstead U$I!IIIeslli.tt Jieoplecan Work together to IOlvetheDJ..,1.I>eUU~ per501Iworks pe""na,/ problem.. eomml/DityprobJcms,and sUdt viorklwide{>rOblems as those caused by ralS"!\iI~th.:teatavia,yai\!a\!l~ando~p"'aIioJl-&\ld~ts !~t ~dca,th&liil bo~~tom,ilijolJSofpel\ple. Aljethi!>!l ..IpelJC)11t.an~..asBen!c .~u~,",,[ISlagaiDBI the f"\1U1"H~~m<!l!-W 81'.Pestilence. Fam1!1c,andDeath'-Whoseim\OCl!nt.

~ ... tjlei1ltanlS. of IUlti<11\S,.and the resultingbleak¥SSw'hio!l'aCsIhejiev""ues are ig!lor'iS' and give way.to'ugiinCs$. A.n.lh,kiaIpo:~!\req)g!Iias ihltt aP!'!hJ iJ co!lsellt in ma~sUdt..l!1f'a'ntmortality, child beatillgl. Qrban det.rioratiQll, and,~,employment, education. '\!Id hQusiIIg practices, A.n ethicalpersol!is j!1di~t!/V~ ~injuries and injQSIiCC$,sutTe(Cli1>Y.h!!f!I8!I4y~d'!t\.. to,,~.them, ~ .tllil'l1lper$o!lis awll,!Co«a re- .

"I\01ISi""to,~~!I, '.' .> .,..A.netllical pet'SO!lWOrksfm: IDClivira!lm.!lt in IVhii:h1"'OI!le.,

~. "",co,!,ewinners,theriShes "",daclualiz~ persoI!al~en~. Dl!d!>ecom.eslhe'1t'iWrj,te Or she Was'boll!-to be,.. .'i

.'

. .

it lakes countse.tO be a real Winner-!IOt ;"wiMer in ~seri.e.of,*,,",gOQ~ someone else 6y""ways i!l.iisting on comi!lg outQ!i,top-butll'willJlCl at l'CSfIOD4in$to life,Jflakesl:o~. toeXpc,ri-

'eMe Ibe fl'eedoa. thai comes with iultonomy, courage ro acceptin-. ~and ~)'enPO!!IIICI:.Qther~-,rage to.lake a'~ilm '\!I~C4use,cour. to.eh~ ...t~\iC;ity ow.

'IIj!jIroVlllandt<>~ i!a&aiJtandaga.in. "!'ura8"toa<:eePt,tberespo.wbi\ityforyoutn_ cItOices,and.indeed,~~to&e~ .~~

.

""-I.

'

.

q.

~,

.

'J1e.

ISO

.

"IIY!>l!~..

y.

a.."'cN

.

,..

,;wan.

. ;81t-_O.

~II

.

',!!~

.

...

...,

..~,.--!l...ltPbettFtpSt eJtp~ it, .'~fO'lfl\&C'is die huiI>'UIYitIU' thal~_,-courait!ll actQ1ttlmitedknC)Wledgeandl..s.m~te~e.! Thai's 8I1)J1Yof Q$~a,,,,,.~'

.. ,... .

The path ,<1f~ elitkalpel'SO.l1whn is au~mo...ly ~are,spou!UeO 11!IIlal)le ro be intimate jsnot always...,; however,

- .,

-

304 BORN TO WIN

if sucll people recognize lI1eir. "losing streaks" and decide againstlIIe IIIcy ~ likely 10 discover tllallllcy w..eborn willi wllal ittakes to win.

. .'

BXP~NT$AND EXBRCISII8

1. Y AdUltlttldU, , ,

Indcvcloping YOIII'own <:ode,of Adultctb.ic::s, examine all lIIoscarcu w~' your life toucl1es.lb.elives of oll1.crs-wllere youropimllllSaff~ people wllo maybe liWIg a pAtdistanoe,flOlllyou and/orwllo may be exlre ly differenl ftom yoo.

AIsoexaDlint yourbcilavior and attitQdestoward your low "'I-vifl)llGtcut.~a<:Iuding1ft. ittanimatc as weU.. tile, aoinl&teWorld. ,

." .

,

i'ro... your :'dult ask: .

'. WIIo andwhl,do /value?

."'WlIoand~tiiotlivCf9I?

,

'W:IIO_ Qat would I die tor? ,

fWb.t dncsD1)'lIf. mean to I/ICI\OW'I. Wllat oould it meau?

,; ,,

'

,

', :-,,:. ,"

".:. ".,'. Wllal d!>cs my life. mean to olllers .now? Olll~rs toco~e?

"'.'

-..Do I~ iJ,sucI1a way as to prcscm and ~1Iee~~n1,

.What is rHIly importaol? ',','.

',Ust!.llc live dtin!;' you valutm~st inlif.:

, .

'1I'I.

2.3.4-S.;

,'--.,

i.2. :3.4.5.

"I

,"

JOS

Study YOUTpriority list. Ask yourself: ,.How do my values relate tomy bome life, my social life, myjob? .'.How do ,they relate to my Parent and CbUd ego states?

"

.Does tbe,.way I am living my life now reflect what I say'Ivalue? .

, I, Adult QaeetlOlUl oD Your LIfe

If you are begiDllil1g to thill!< at a deep level about ",hO youreally are, wby you arc., wbat you are ieally doing witb your lif~"I1d wbereyour pre"I1t patterns wiU lead you, let your AduUbecomemoreawarebyasking: .

. WhO do I feel I "",1 (fro", iny Child experience).WhO do I believe, I am? (fr()m my Parent opinions)

· Wbo do I belieVeI am? (from JI1YAdult data-p~OS> .. Do other people treat me like a p8;rent, adult, OTchilli?

(spoUse, children, friends, busiu... associates) ,

.'Who do I want to ~!? (today; in S years. 10 }fears.20 yeafS)

. What potentials do I bave for becoming tbat person?.Whal are Ibe barriers? '.Wbatain I going io do aboUt tbe potentials and banit..?

.Do. , value thaI wbich enbances my potentials?.DO I value that which helps othe~ develQp their ~I1tials?.How eao I become more of the winner I was born to 'be?

.

.

Footnotes aTulRefere1JCes

CBAP1'BS'ONB ~"""

J.ooea"t. M&(tinBubor.Ha#dbm altti.M."" MiIII(N<'IIYo!k: IWpcr 4!Row.. 19SI).pp.13J.144:'"

.''.'

.,., ,.'

2.K.. HOtftOJ',S.U'A""!1N(Now YorI<:W.W. Norwn.I942). p. 23.3. Murid 1__. WltG/,DQY.~ Do With TM" N...ThD! ..r, "" Got. \1JririttT""""",iOlltllAll4ly,i,/or Moms anti Patir(Rwms.MI,s,.:

~~-W..Ioy. 1974).pp.4-~.12. " .' .'

4. FredOrickS. Perll,G"",1t TMrapy V.,/JaIi.. (Lafay~.CaIif.:R.al-'People ~ 19$).j>.29., ' ,'...

"'. .',. Froclcri~kS.i'lnIs.Inanti.Q"t"M.G~<Poil(Lafayet...Cllif.:.R.al .

,'

)

People ~(969). ..p.' "

,~".,' .

. 6. Abrah Lcvilllty anS Froderiell: S. Perls, "The R1!IOsllid Games'of. , O~1!It T\>era,y.:' Ioen Fagan and Irma !.,eeSn.Pbtnl. Eds..G~taltThfflll'yNaw (Palo AltO: Science and Bebavior Books,. 1970). pp. 140'I~. ,

".

.", '

7. J.L More~o.,"Th~ Viennese,Ori~of the ,Enco~m~ Movel1)e~1..PaVinlth. Way for ExiStOnlillliSDl.o"",pP*hoth~.,,!,d Pay.bo-:dran>e.7Group PlyehGthefJJPJ',.voL 1Q<ILNo. 1-2, 1969.pp.7<l6.8. PerIs.Gtlll1It Th " JlII'I1Qitm,p. .12t. '.9. Iblli.,p:66.

'.

."..'10. IbIII., p.,67. . . , .II. Ibld.,p. 236. .

", .' . '...

.12, Ijric:II."'MI PfOp~ Play (NOWYork: Orove 1964: Andrt.Deutsch, .Ltd.).

"' " ' . ,'.

13. Erlt.B~Prltl<ipl.,ofGro., 7Ttat...nt(N.wyorlt: Darosa Un;,.er-IityPreos. 1964).' ,

"14. Ibid., p.216.,.

306

.1

,

\

CllAPl'ER TWO MAu Ovenlew of TruuetI ADaJ701aM

\. Perl.;Ge.I,.kTherop,Verbatim,p.40, . ,

2. See ,Dorothy Jongeward, T ac'Io.., Anoly'" Qwervlftv(ReadinloMoss.: Addlson.Wesley, 1913).A _tte.

3. Eric Berne. Trdn.racllonolAnal)'J# In PJYChothmtp, (New Vodt,Grove:"""',1961; Sonvenir Press of LondOn),pp. !7-43.

",

Cf. Paul McCormick and Leonard COmpos;1_« You_I{ I.',Tr cil.nal Anal,lil: A TA HOIIIilHH1Ic(Stockton, Calif:: Sill )0..quill TA StudyGro~P. distri~1edby Tronso<tioIWPnb.;31~ CobeseAve.. Berkeley, Calif., 9470S. !969)., , ,AUOJee JohnoM.Dusoy, ''TIIDSI<IiCmllAnaIysis," in A ~',Oulfle ... P'y<hiotr, OIId,P'y<~)'J# by Eric Beme (New 'York:SiIoOl!Ihd Schu.ter, 3rd cd., 1968).pp.271-306. '

4. Be",e, Principle! .f GN.P TrtIfII_III. p: 364,S. Ibid..p. 1S\.

''. '

6. Berne, Trtl1lJQt:,l..o/ Ano/yn". PJYChotM"",,; p. 32:-7. Berne. G_, People Pilly. pp. 2~. ,8. Ibid, p. 29.

",

9. See Eric Berne, The StruClureIlIIdDy .f OrgrmizOSf<HuosuJ. Group,(Pbiladelpbia:J. B. \.ippmoott,1963). . ,

'\0. See Claude M. Steiner. Gum.. A1co/JoIi<'PIIly:T1reA,IIo/yJiI.fPI'Scrip" (New Yodt: Grove 1'ress. 1971). .Cf. David&_, "Freud on the 'GaIIowsTraniaction: .. TrtstutItIii/ft-0/ An.!!'" -Bullelln.Yolo9. ~o. I (JIO: 1970),pp. 3.5. . .

11. Eric Berne. "Tran..c:tioaalADalysi$." inActive P")'Moth""", HaroldGreenwald, Ed. (NeW York: Athenon Press, 1967). p. 125. '..

12. Berne, G People PI.,. p. 64. ,

13. Berne. Principles .f Group 'Trealmen~ pp. 269-278.14. See Thomas A. Harri..1 QK-You're OK (New ¥odt: Harper"

Row. 1969).,,'

.IS. . Eric Bern'e, '.Standard Nomenclature, Transactional Nomeoclature."

Tron'tk'iOll.1 An.!!Ji' Bullelln; Yol. 8. NO. 32 (Oct 1969j,p. 112.'Cf. Zelig Selinger. "The Parental Seoond Position in TrellJi1en~"TroftJOC,i..o/ A no!!,,, Bulletl.. Yol. 6, No. 21 (JIO.I967). p. 29.

'

16. Muriel James, "The Downscripting of Women for ,liS Genetations: AHis10rical Kaleidoscope:" TranJocti01lol,Analp;,JoriruL Vol. ,3,No. ~

, (1 1913). pp. 15-22.'17. Greenwald, .p. Ci~. ~. 128.

,

, ,

CllA.I'TERTHREE''TIMIH D.H-..' ier ~ aacI"..~ " .

"a ..

I. BerllC,GomeJ PeopleP/o)\ p.ISFor a focus QD stroking in famints.:5CC J~' Wh'QI Do, YDat DoWilhTMm Now Tho' Y e G., Them?pp. 1'6-17. '..

., '. ,.

. i

I

,

, -

;

308 BORN TO WIN. . . .

2. R. ,Spitz. "Hospitalism:. Genesis of Psychiatric Conditions in EarlyChIldhood." Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 1945.1: 53"74.Seeals,o "Hospitalism: A Follow-Up Report" an'rluAnacli,tic Depre$-

sion." I/Jid..2: 113.117 and 312.342.' ,'

-3. Berne. The Structure fInd Dy,namic3 of Organiztlt;ons :and,Groups, p.\57. ,

4. Film.,: Second Chilnce, American Medical" AsSociation. 6644 SierraLane. Dublin. Califorma 94566.

), .

S. Su DorothyJon8~ard and Contributors, Everjbpdy Wins; Trallsac-fiona! Analysis Applied ,10, Or:gal,.izalions' (Reading. Mass.: Addison~

: Wesley. 1973) pl',76-78,', ,

.',

6. JacquJ Lee Schiffwith Beth Day. AU MyChi/dren;<New York: M~.' EVM1~.distributed in association with J. B. Lippincott. ,1971). pp. 210~

211. '7. Planned Parenthood Report, publithed by Plartncd Parenthood Wor'ld

,Population. 810 Seventh Ave.. New York, 10019. Vol., I, No. ~ (JuDe-July 1970). p. 3." ' .

8, Virginia' M, Axline.' Dlbs in 5.tarC'hof self n~ew York: Ballantine 'IIBooks. 1964). pp. 85-86, .' ,

9. George R. Baeh'apd Peter,'Wyqeri.' '{'he Int/mare' Enemy (New York:William Morrow. t969),p. 302~ '

-. ,

10:,Berne"Pri.dplesof Grollp Tre?-t1nenl.pp; 314-3!,S. .II. See DorothyJorige~ardand C()ntributors.pp~72~78. ,.

.12.J:'or inrormatibn, wdte..Thom~s Gordo~. ph.D;..EffectiYeness TrainingAss\>ciates, lne" 00 Euclid Ave., PasadenA, Calif.. 91101. '

13,~idney~: Jourard~Dl$clo:Siilg Man 10HimfelJ,(Ne'(N York:-Van-~,os~, !rand ReInhold. 1968).pp. 1~151.' '.',

,14. Bernard Gunther, Sense.Relcq.at;on (New York: Macmillan. 1'96&). p.13.

" "

,

IS.Cf.' ,Eric Berne. '$ocial- Dynamics: The InfilT'acyEq.uipment,~. rransactjon(JIAna~vsis Bulletin, Vol. 3, No.9 (January, 1964). p. 11'3.Also.VoL3..1'10,10(April.1%4).p. 125, ..

CHAPT~11FOUR ,''Tho D.-alDa ofI4fe ,Scrlptlo"

,.Perls;(;tstalt TherQpj"'erb(Iti~ p:,47. -.'

.: 2., BerJ1e. Pr;n~iples. of Grouf <Treatment. ,p.368. _

. '..3. Sd Dor.othy Jonge~itrd and Contri~utQrs. Chapter t, "Oi'~nizations

H,ve,Scri;ptS,.'1';', . ','.'

.,

.

4~ .S~t Dorothy Jonsew_rd a,,4Dra'Scot~AJJ1,:mQtilJe ~C:,tidnfor Wo~~:\A /'I'tJ</icQIGulde(Reading, MaS$.:Addison-Wesley. 1973).~hapler2."Women's Lack of A~hjevcment: Th,en and'Now'"

,1. Set Dorothy Jongeward a,ndDr.uSCOtt.CJ\.apters.land 2 The.Orga~'njulion 'Womu;- Then and 'Now" ~d "Women's Lack of~chieve.ment Then and Now.~"

,

.

, FoolllOIejand kfer~ 309

6. Herbert HendiD.SuicUk arui 'SCtUldinavia QooIewYork: ,Doubleday.Anchor Book. Edition. 1965). p. 5.

7. Oakland Tri~ne. Oakland, Calif., Feb.B, 1970. p. 10.8. ~ean()r' (-,Iexner. Century if Struggle (Cambridge:, Belknap, Press.

HarVor<! UOi;'elSity, 1959). pp. !1-12.. ,See also Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward, The' People Book:Transactional Analysis fot Snuknts (Reading. Mas.~: AddisoDMWesley.197.5),Chapt~ 1.

.

9. See Dorothy Joopard and Dru Scott, Chapter 2, ,'~Women's Lack ofAchievement: Then and Now."

,. ,

10. Matina Homer,"Woman's Will to fail," Psychology Totloy. Vol. 3,No.~ (l'Iovemberl969), pp..36 fT. .Cj, Dorothy",Jongeward., "New Dire,,1ions: Changing Family 'Pat.,terns;" Ca/ifomia SlOte Mqrriage Counseling Quarterly. It No.4 (May1967). C

'.'

'I L Thomas Szasz., 'TMMyth of Men'a/.111ness (New York: Dell P.ublisb.ing,I96I).p.23O..

''.

12. MurielJarnes. '"Ego S.tates and SocW I~ues: Two Case Studies (rdfl?,tIJe 19605," Trait:sactional"Analysis Journal, VoL 5, NO. I, (Jan; 1975).Cf Muriel James; Born to Lo.e, pp. 119-151.

11. Berne, Principles of Group TreoJmen/, p. 3.10. .14. Cf Leonard P. Cam"".. ..Tean onal Analysis ofWitc\1 Messag .

Trans,",'ional ..""lysis Bulletin. )'01.9. No. 34 (""'ri1 197.0). P. S I.See also aaude M. .Steiner. "The Treatment of Alcoholism," Trtinsac-tion,a/Analysis Bulletin,Vot. .6. No. '23 (July 1967), pp. 69~11: .

IS. Pe,I., Gestalt Therapy Verbatim, p. 42."16. Claude Steiner, Gome~ A'lcoholics Play (NeW ¥(Irk: Grove -Press,

m~p.. '.

'

17. Perls, .Geltalt'T.heory Verba,;m. p.42.' .'1&. .Cj Stephen'B. Karpman, "Fairy .Tales and:Script Drama ArialySis....

Transactional Anoij'si.$ Builelin, VII, No. 26 (April 1968).-

pp. 39.43;1,9.Thomas Bullfinch, The Age of the Fable (NewVork: Nerilage PresS,

1958), p. II. . '..

20. See Dorothy Jongewatd,"WhatOo You Do When Your s€ripfR'msOut7'~ TrtinsQCtiofJolAnalysis Journal. 2, No;_2 (April 1972), pp. 78.,.81.

21. Ibid. ", ..22, Cf also WiUial}1Brid~ "How Does a Nanative Mean'r'(unpub-.

lished paper), ,Mills College, Oaklaod. Calif. .. . .

"

'

23. w. R. Poindexter,"Hippies and'the pttl.;:,laD)CPrin.ce,"Tran3Qcll"oriai.Analysis Bulktin. VII. No. 2S (Jan. 1968),

f,' 18. .24. James Aggey. "The Parable of ,the Eagfe,' in Dor~..ss and Ugh',

(Le;ghlOn BuEtard. Bedfonlshire. England: The Faith "'e.. Ltd.,..d.).

. , ,

.

,II

310 . BORN TO WIN

CHAPTER FIVE "Paronil... aDd The P_t E,..Staten'I. Dic!I...,y oIQuotaJ/On~,"NOIebook of a Prinler" (Reodcr'. DiF". Assoc..1966).p. 114. . '. . .'

.CJ Mnriel Jamcs.W1uzt Do 'You Do WI/h

"''''''''Now 11ra/ YOU'1'e Go!

TIuIin? . .2. Harry.Harlow. "The Nature ofi.<w":'1'I.Anw;ca~ piyciwlogirt 13 I(12): 6~, 1958. ,.

. .'.

' 1

AM sa H.F. Harlow and ":I.K. Harlow."SociaJ Deprivation in Mon- '.' krjs,'~.Sc;"nliftcAmeric'!ll.207:136-46(N"v.I962~. . I3.~unk~own. ,

'_'.-

,

", ,.,.1f

4. Sclma FraiberJ. TIuI M4glc Ye.,. (New Yolk: ~f:s, 1959):p. .

135. .. .

.. '.:

. .

S. "rilt H. ErWon,"taeoility ",d the Life Cycle.~PsyclralOglcaJn es. (monosrapll). Vol, I. No. I, (New York: IntetnalionalUniv. /'rOSa).p.

68. ." "~,

.'--.,..,. ,

".6. Karen Honley. Nturos;$ and HIllfUmGrow!h (New Yo.t: W. W. NO,.

lOri, 19SO),p. 65.,. '.. '. . . .' .

7. Fredericlt S.PerIs.."Four Lcctu~." JocnFapnand IM.Shcp.herd, Eds., 'Gesiah 1'/reQI'yNow (Palo Alio: Science IiuI Bchavic)r'Books, 19711):p. IS. . .. .

. .g.~Ri=~~~~J:i~~~/~";~:'*~

9;ElcanorRoo;evek. TIW Is MyStory(Ne'N Yorli:HarpiIr: 1917). p. 21.IO-Uii< Brollfenbrellncr, "The Changing l\Jricrican Chita,'. I_at of.

SoCialI""""

XVII, Non (1961) pp. 6'18..""', '. ..

II. Uric Bronlenbrcnncr,T\V9 W"rIdII 01 Cltildloood, WS.a;t4.V.~~.I/..

'(N"" .York: Ruudl Sagc'FoundalioJl. 1970);p. 104. . .' ..'

12. Evan S',~U, Jr.. l\frs.Britlge.(NewYork:VikUls.".. 19s8).p.13. . .

'.13. CjJ8<XjuH.eeSchifl' with JIcth Day. ap. ell.. D.p. ,.,'14: See MoiI,,1James. Wh01Do YW Do Wilh Them Now 77tarY G«

'Them?(Reading. M : AddiJort~Wesloy,1974" ....See. alsa Murid. James,' "Sclf .Repasen)ing; ,tbcory and Proccso,~1'1aWlaClipnalA""/rli.r J_a!; Vol. 4, NO.3 (July 1974),pp. 32.39..

15. MIIli.eIJaincs. ''The U.. .of StruClI!<aIAnoIyscsill PIISIOIaieo_I-.in

.... Pili/anti

.

P'.

;ytholO8)'.

.

Vol. UI. 181 (0<:.

l 1968.

,), pp-

.

).1'. '.~.. alia M.riel J_.B"", /q l;ne: T7fI1UQCliolio/Altalpi' iii I~Church(Reading.Mu~: AddisoD-Wos/cJy.!97J)..'

'.. . . /

.CtMliri~IJ..." an"'L.O,.risSa.itY,TIuIP._aflh'~1Iotir»na''''Will: 1iWr8acljonaJAnalyt/s_/"..I/."'~ ~1 (N/1O!YOtk:

Hai\!Ct"kOw.I974)."" . . . .....

h,. Plyd,,0g/11-AnlnleJoms!iaItfJIJ 'qJPIYChri!ouIii,''''

Oi/SII. Ed.Koji Scto, Kyoto UBi Vol. 11,No. 1.2, 1~5.

">-.

. .1

Fooll"n~s,andR"~cu 311

CHAPTER lUX "Childhood and The ChDd Elo State"

1. A. A. Milne, Winnie the,Pooh (Londo,n: Methuen, 1965). Pp.. t~18.2. Fraiberg. 01. cU.. p. 109. _

.3. Compiled by Lee Pari~cGrath and Joan Scobey. What Is a Mother

,

(New York: SilllOn" Schustet,J968), n.p.4. Berne, Principles ()fGl'Oup'TJ'e(Jt1Mltt, ,p.'2S3.5, Fraiberg. op. cil" p. 109.

'

6, Benie, G(l1JIeS People Play, p. 173.

7..Berne, Prl.ClplesofGro~p Treulmertl,p.305.'8. 0,",1""" TrIbu Oct. 15; 1967. , ,

'"

'

9. See Mu~1 Jam.., Whal Do You Do With TIIem Now TIutJ You~e GOIThem?, pp, 33-14.

"10., Perts, Gestall T/lerrrpy Verbtztlm.,p. 236.

\

CBAPfEIl SEVEN "Penonal ...d s.nn.at Identity""'1. !lillie T. Ch...dle,. Japanese Family Ufe willi UolI'..d.FI__ Ar.

ra.geme.'s (Rutland, Vt.: Charles Tuttle, 1963). pp. 29-30. ,, 2. Caroline Bird. Born Femole, (New York: Simo,Il& Schuster, 1~).p.

183."

'3. Erich Fromm. 'FloeArt of Lovl.g (New York: l:I'!JPet" Row, 1956),

pp. \8.19. .'"4. Anthony Sto,". TIle Integrity0t'M peno.ality (M~I",*- Penguin

!looks, 1966), p.43., , , , ,5. VirginUl Satir, C..joiJOl ,Family'lJlerapy (Palo Alto: Scien.., an<! Be, ,

havior Books, 1964). pp. 29, 48-53.' .

6. 'Merle Miller. "What It Means to Be a Homo5eXuai" (NewYoIkTim~Service.Sa.,FranciscoChronicle,Jan. 25, 1971). :

7. Peter and B8rpara Wyden. Growi.g Up Stralghl (New York: Stein imdDay. 1968).. . - ,

8. Cf Dorothy Jongewaro, "Sex, Rolea. and lden~ty: The E11tergence ofWomen." Calif Slate Marriage. Counseling Quarterly, J; No.4 (May.1967).' ",', ." ", '

, 9. Sidney Jourard. The Tr..s"", Self (Princeton. N.J.: D. Van No.-

\rand, 1964).,p, 46. ,.

Cf Muriel Jalil";Barn 10 Lave, pp. 119-122' -IQ.' See Do~y Jonaeward and C(JQtribulOrs,.,,: ell.

for Seminar1 abOut Career Wcllilel>; see pP' 106-109, 152.182:. II.S.. Dorothy Jongeward and DruSoot~op; cU" pP. 2Ir.\.250.

12. -ErikSon. op. <il., p. 68. ,.,',13. The Child St.i!dyAs>ociationotAmericA. What 10 Tell rour 9hildre.

Aboul Sex (N~ York: PocketBooks, 1964); p. ~2. .'.14. See Renalus Hartop. Fo.r,Le/(er Word G(l1JIeS(New Yon:: Dell Pub'.

hshing, .1968). . . '

312 BORN TO WIN

IS. ~e Alexander Lowen, T"eJlelra~oflh<.Body (London: Macmillan,1969). "".

.

..16. Muriel Jamc:s, "Curing hnPoien<Y with Transactional Analys;.."T'(lI>It1C'iorrtliArrtliym J"",oaI. Vol: I, No. I (Jan. 1911), pp. 11&-93.

".

!',

I,:

I

. .CllAP'rBaJJ;0B!_p ~ 0"';" ~ ..' I..lICme,I'rl1tdpk8II{G p TrefJ/meJU,.l'p.1&6-288.

q. MurielJ WIwtDp 1'...lJg W;,~ Th<mNowT/roI y GQtT/Jem1,pp. 45-~7.. . .

.2. Ibid" p. 308. . ... 3. Haili! G. GillOtt.Jl~ PtVenl , Cii/d (New York: Macmillan, ..

. 1967);1'1"

29-30..

..

. . ..

_ for redHI",,,,,, lOr reeogaizing familypmes, see Joltn J-. '''!'heGame Plan, "Tro"1"</ional Analysts Jou"",I, Vol. 3, No.4 (Oc:t. IWI.PI'. 194-197... .' ". .' .'

4.' S~ Berne.PrlIf</pk#ofGrovp~-nt,pp. 278-;Hj. S.. oho 1Ierr1..a-' PeophPIaJI,1'..5).. . .for @11m..__IY played in thecbuR;h, ... Muriel Ja 'tJn< to .LOYe,PI" 95-110. . . .

5. IIerr1o.G , P<opIePItI"p.102. .'. '. "

~ .'DorothyJongeward. "Game. PeOp1ePlay-ln the Office.P.$. for?ri..'au Sl!t;I't/ij,ie.."Voj.13,No. 12(J_ 1970),Itottrfo.rcl,Cm\!'-: I\U-.reau of BllSin_ Practices,.Sedion: II, pp, 1.8. .

7.Ber"",_ Peoeh Play, p. 95.. ".8. PerIs. Gd/oII n,.-apJI VerbDt/m,p. 53. . .

9. fora cieIaileddesc:Jiplil>nof _ gam..are.adapIecI.'"

DornlhyJongewn and Contribulors, 9p.dt:, Cbapter). "G;unes CQ$IOI;gani-zaIio.. MOney," pp. 23-49. , '. . .'. .

10. IbId.,Cbapter 3, "GamesC"" Be. Stopped Many WaY"" PP- 51-59.

II. See DorOthy Jongeward and Muriel James, 'WInning Wili",,!#e:Gr;ouF E:<

.

erctsesin r_'iotIa/"rrtliJ'p, (Readillg. Maoo-. '

:.

Ad<!ioon-'v,es1ey, 1973),pp. 80.81. . . . . ....

12.Stephen.Karpman,~Ii...," r_#o.sl A/,aIy,IIJoumtli,Vol:I,No.1 (Ian. 1971),1'1'. 79-&7.Cf.JoIm James. "The Game PIan," P-195;

13; fran:kJiD

.

I!nIst, "ell..iIy Of~ (moa

.

. .ogtIIph, 1.\ ed..;

.Mar. I~

availahlethrough Golden.Ga.. foundaliori~r Oro\1pTre_~ .;'.Q.8o_ 1141,'Vllllejo,<:a1if.1PI" 13,14.

. '. "14. Taken: fJOlllGdlQ/t T/Wrap" by frederi~ Perla, M,~, Ph.D., RaIp~f. Hefferlin:e,~.D., andPaulGo<idman.Pb.P. ~ c. 1951by

ofrederiC:k Perl., M.D., Ph.D., Ralph f. Heffcr\iae, Pb.p" !IDd P....Goodman, Ph.D. Osedby permiSlion of The Julian Press,,, division ofC 'Publishers, I"".

.

"

FOOl"ot,s tmd 'Refermus 313

IS. Ibid.. p. 168. . '16. See Alexander 'Lowen,op. cit.. pp. 237-250. ,17. PorI'. Gnltllt Theropy Verbatim, p. 127.Cf Muriel James, WhaJ Do

r.., Do With Them Now,17taJy G.otThem?, pp. 61.71.18. Cf Muriel SdtiffmaD, Self Theropy: Techniques f()l" Personol Growth

(Self Th.rapy Press. M.nlo Park. California, 1961). D.p.

19. q WiRiam C. SchulZ, Joy (Now York: Gt"'"Pross, 1961), p. 66.

20. CJ W. Cheney. "Haml." His Script Cbocldis~" TronsDI!don,,/Analyli$8IIlkti.. Vol. 7. No. 27 (July 1968); pp. ~8.CJ also Claud. Stoiner, "A Script C)loc1dis~" Tramoctionol,Anoly'isBulleti.. Vol. 6. No. 22 (Ap';; 196'1), pp. 38-39, 56.

',

'.CIIAPTBR~B "TbeAdultEll"_" .

'" ", ,"

I. 'Berne. 'The Structun and DynamicS of Organiza/iOlI$ d1Id Groups. II.137. , .

2.'1ICrne, f"rruuactiona/.Anatpis in P!l}'Cholh<rtlti)!,p.)7,'3.Bcm~~ Principles df<iroilp Treatment., p. 220.1

"4. Berne. TratUU1:tl/)llalAnatym In P!l}'Cholheropy. p. 77.s. ~.. G_, PeoplePlay,p..24.

"\ 6.- Bttmc:.Pri,1Icipk8ofGroup Tnatment. pp.306-307. For clarificatiOn oneacrgy and the _sense of se:lf as it is cafhccted. see Mu~..;;1 Ja~ and .

'.Louis Savory. The Power at tile Bot/om, of the Wi/~ ~p; 145-146.7. Ben1e, Tr/IIIStICtllmalAnatpis in P'yehoth<rtlti)!. pp. 39-40.

Cf Muriel James, Barn to Lo.." pp. 48-52.8. Ibid. p. SI.

'

.

9. Ibid.. p. 46-to' Ibid., p.62.,.

"11. Bet... Principles of t;'roup TreaJmen~ p. 306.12. Berne~ TransactiofUl! AnalysiS i" Psychotlu~"'PY~'p. 146.

".

13. 'Berne, Tlae SlructUTr and Dynomics of Organiza/io," ondGT'OIIJIS.p.137., ,

14. Betn~, Principle~ of G(OIiP Tre4tmen/. p. 90. .

s«abt:1 MurielJamcs. What Do You Do With Them Now 17uu.YouwGot Th.m' pp. 23-43.' '

IS. Perls, G..ratt Therdpy Vet6aJ/m. pp.211.212.I~ INd.. p.66. '17. Ibid.. p. 10,18. Berne, PrillCipkt" oj G",~p T-reaJment. p. 311.19. 16i!t, P. ~I. .

'

20. PorIs, (1essaft'17t<ropy Verbatim, p. 69.

"

314 BORN TO WIN

CHAPTER TEN "Autonomy aDd Adult' Ethic."1. Eric Berne, Se~ in HlUMnLov;ng (New York;' Simon 8!:,Sc~uster.

1!rnJ),p.I94. "2. ~. G;""','1'«>1'I.PIlIy,1'.178.3. .Perls, Gestall Therapy V<rbQt;m,

'P'44:.

4.\IeI'ne. fiamn 1"01'14Play, 1'. 180. .S. Martin'Buhq, Benye.. Man'ami Man (N!'WYork:, MacmiUon.I968).

1'.78-" ,'"',, ',',,

""

.

6.' Viklor E. Frankl. T~(Doctoiaml Ik Soul (N!'W York: Alfred,~no1'f.19S7), Pi>. x"iii. Xix. "

"

' ',',7. Abraham ,H. Maslow. £.psychlan Moilagemnlt (HomewOOd, Ill.:

Richard D. Irwin and 'J'be Dorooy Preso. l~), 1'. 161.8., !Ierne. Trati,a"tIOltal AhOlysl, /. p'ychotherapy. p1'.194-19S.9. Ibid, p. 193.

'

' '

10, 1bUJ.,p. 19S. '"

.',' "

,

11. Dn.RobertQ Ke~'z' and Jorge A. Savorgnanof the UniY<riityofBuen.Os Aires, FaCulty of Ml:diclne. fi~t used~'techniCS~ as ,a teFl!1-todeseribe the Adult iD Ibe Adult .

'12. -"rich Fromm. The R"olutlon 0tHope (NoW Yolk: 8antam; 1%8),1" ,

16. ,

'

',

,,' ,

'

".,' . ,"I?, A""'haJ!1 H.M"ow, Mot/va/IOItand perso"".Htyi- York: Harper

& Row. 19S4).pp. 211.214." ., .

'14. ,KerteszetaL. c1ai(Dthe,~dult's'~rm OK/You'~ OK" positiOR ~._qui"different fr()mthe marik. Child's ,"I'm.; OK/You're! OK'~' ~tiOn.

'.

IS. Erie' Berne,. ",Editor'. Page," TI'OII8<ICtion.1 A1f4/ysis, Bulletl,

",-Vol 8-No. 29 (Jan..j969), PI'. 7,8.

.' .16, Copyright 1955.bY E. E. Cummings, Reprinted fromI';, E.C,um.

mings: A Miscellany edited by George ~. 'Flrmag<!by peoni88iOboiHarcourt ~n'ce JOV~QVic~ ,Inc. . -

'\ , ~ '

III,

. ,

.

,

,

Aboence. of a pan:.~ 121-23ACcusation arid'projection. 269.

272 r(~xperiment), 285,86

. Activation of ego statcs~ 23-26.,166-69, 250, 265-69, 272-75.278

"

",'

Activities. . and ego slateboundaries, 250,

and tintes~ctunng; ,84Adaptauo...'of child, 157

(experiment), 172~74of sexual explora1ion. ,193

'Adapted Child. 140, 157-63.;u:uiappropriate sex' lrainirig,

196,un(experiment);1~-74 ,and inappropriate sex, training"

196-97,198 .laughter ;n;188

'in play, 186',and sexual prob s

(~xperiment), 2117-8summ.ary.d~ription. 169-

, Adrilirauon and piojecQon, 272. (experiment), 285,86

"f Adolescents.effect'of parental

. aboenceon, 121-22Adult ego state,' See also

Collitant AdulLacQvaoonof, 265,69, i'l2' 74aW8lOness'(experimen,).30Sand "bashu.p~ phenom'enon.

247-48; ,beginning to ~now

(e,,,,,rimenls), 44-46' ,

Index

'.contaminaljOn

.

of; 2S5-56.

.

(experimentS),208: 284-85coop~tion wjth Lictle

.Professor,')52 .

dee~sion in withdrtiwing, S94econtantination' of

, (e"perim~tj, 284-85description of~ 18,' 248-SOand despair, 27~ 74develop t 0(,23

'and dreams. 272~'73

educ;ation 'of, 265-'66

ethics of, 300..2 . .ethics' of (experiment). 304-5as executive 'of persoojllity.'

259-63,278' '

feelings in; 299-300in games, '189'and g.. woe f.e.ljngs, 210integrated, 297-99 ,vs.Natural Child in sexuality.

197, 198 ,'

in overcoming. discoUntingbehavior. 66

in problem solving, (e~perim..t), 287-88 , \

and M>jecQOns, 269. 272questiOns from, 268-69stn:ng!heningof, 1.95. 26H9,

272-73 ,in-ulterior transaction, "3.

Adull 'feedback Uansaction, 52and,'awarencu. 2~IM92in stoppins a game. 231-32

AffecQon, difnculty with (loser),,6' .

3IS

'316,. index,._

and winners. 3-4.. Blemish .game, in'the classroom.Aggression, and Natural Child. 114

. 148 ~ and projection. 272and !!eX rold. 192 theme and purpose. 221

"Ahah" eXperience; _to, 169-70 aDd time structuring. 6,1-Ai.', II,.twfUlpastime, 64, 98 II9dYawareness, 29r.~AICQholand the Child e~ '!a'e,

'I ~' (experiments),71, 177-78,. 1~7-68 "2'10-41'AII.marive~ value of. 249 B(llin, reeGtding l'uncriQII, 17. S...Anger. integrating feelings -of. _ cdso Tape,s, memory.

"(""",rimen.), 241-48 ..B(IIiI!S\OJ:ming" (.xperiment),

AnFlYGhikllli'1cmingA<Ju1l ,288 , ",

feedback transaction, 28' BI;C1Ilhinga!ICI anxiel)'

,

Anxiety, iri'egr~ring (ceti"!' of (experiment), 2«H11, (..periment), 239-40

'Appearance of your patents(experimen.), 1)2

Ap~ropria...css of 'espouse, 2-),259-62. 'tiel!

a""A!lult' ego

state' 'Approval; >s. 'iUthenric;ity,)02

infant's~ for, IS7qu..' roi,'I63, 166

Atlas scrip4 98'Authenticity. vs. -achie\'eD1en~ 1

vs, approval, 302, 364... play~!'ring, 104

Autonomy, ~9().~7'and awareness, 291-92

and inrim8cj', 293-96and spontan<ity, 292.93a winner~~lity. 2;. .,

Aw~e...lI, 274-75,291-92d~elopmen' of in Adult ego

stote (experiment), ,305

,~

,

, ."Bosh trttp" phenomenon. 247-48

(experiment), 2~1Io'

.,

S_rappe, pme;descrip.....,221\0'21 ,,',

disoount in, 232..BqS4.~_,91' ,B~ul)' and the Beast,serlp4102Bilateral contract. 11. S.. abo

. Contract -,

"'Black Sheep:' 84., Blaming parents, 91

I

Ca4mu,' m)'th. 39 'Chair tcclulique, 8-9

('xperimel),lS), IS, 175Change, murivation II>r, 2~ChUd batteril!g. 57-58

"ChUdegost",,,'17-1g,I~,~. S",,'aboNa"'raiChid; Adopocq o.iI<I; ,

l-ildcProfessor; Q.DsIaDtChild, .

'"activationof', 166-.69.,

(experiment). 171and Mapte" Chil!!, 140 ,

allowing cap_on of, U8-69conftic. withiti; 1~7g,rltaminatioJ1 from, 251;'58oontrol1e<1 by Mult exeCutive,

260 \dcve.~~ 23

'

f

fanlaSy:(experiment), 1,12feelings 'in, 209-11),2!1!i' 300feelings .bout ... <experiment).,

2011-8'r

',

and identitj, 179 'inI1nen~ of porents on, 157-59,

1~1-6,3' :iR\nitiatiDgpmes, 94Ionghtorin, 188, .learning .bont(experimentS),

4'1-45Uitle ProfeS$Or, 140

.

I'"momoryI'pa ('Xp.riJII~nl).. .ncllnlimacy. 296 .

174 . Conllllni Pa ~ 253.'".N.tural Child. 140-41 .. (.J(peri~.I). :180-8\. .

not alw~ welHnfol'llJed.'149; ancI Indmacy.~93, 296151. ,CqlllII..I..don. ns.58. .nd play.183.88 d91ible,m . .

1'1..11II...:!64-1\~ and IaWI.257in p~bIO\II"lYi.. . rado \zalinnOf.2'8

(IXpOIimeOl);2&7.88 c, ,

".trncI.

-q....

don IeCbnlque..' '*"tMo.l68

.. .2611069" ,

..ancI IIirt 2.J!)OWCO.It_266-~ ,th... pettI 0(.\)9040. . .ncI Milll"o "10,267In.lIorior" cIion,31.32 to !IN'" up acrIpl' .

I. withdra~. 60. .' (!'!I"'rjy!i8nl);U6CbUdhood.d in;36 in~lIlaminadonot Adul~ .. seuma in .00000hwith .

.T 8S .

(..peri""I).171).71 d.rtp\lo1l of. II 'homo (..peri l), 170.' . .nd. .a. 11&10j>QJIrIll'. plctur..or(.xperi I).1*71 (..pei'imf.t)..283 "..Ilea,.. 0( I.. 188-89 .

I'mm'Pam" <itCIdId.267'11II1" of. 139 IlIl'tob lvlnl 1lCllni'l1I8

. CldliliNurturin8.

1: '(experi..enl); 217.89;., ,

\llllllClioi!. '..",ple, 27 "qolldonllo dtVtIloP. 2iI8i.289. <lhild ha.in8 mothOCll,' Con\<iction... prejllCllC8<25647

(..perjmellt). 172... . '. ClIP' /11III.II~ pm.I'm..h(tlnt 113-lol . ,d~p\Io1I 00»31

.itpr...i~ 157 .' In,. O...t ..yth, 99ChUdr nw..ted. S40SS':, Co"" , 114. ..,'

'Cinderellaac;rip~101-3'. III iIId P"'1"*;Of, 22~. d.lullOn In..'257 '. Cour )CD:.. ..,........

CI.~inI1.ladonahlp' OIl of Cd.rt 11;22'7.230 '""'.bo_1 in. 8 C...~n.. end the Lillie"Condn8 on," Child . Prof_r. 149-52

(..perim..I)..I71 .. .("","rimenl). 175'77 .

,willithe Parenl...IllIO. 168 Crilli..nd.~ur pI"_COmmonicalinn'Un.,27,28 .

. '(experini..1)'1~31 .

,CO,11anceVI. iebOllIan.163. CriI.. 26U9 .,' .. 66 ". ..~ltural iitotk". &lidfaIIiIly

COrilpUAlln....fllse. 56 . ac;riptI,84.8S ..

. Complylna. 0 paI1em .of.

,adapladon.I$8'" ,D'ph..~~99 '.. "

.

COnad_. II'.I~. , D.II ,.""h Adult/Ado"Con"'OIAd~1I.2S40SS ~n. 27 .',

(.xjI.rirDeill),2I1Oo82' . Dillop_ail...~n !\4ul1aaoinlimaCy.2911.97 111I11.18,2«\.50 .. .

COnlllnt Child. 2S5"'"

.eotlllanIAd.1t, 2S4(exporim",t).28113 c,duc..on ancI. 265066

II

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in, 11IIIIaIIIpcoIIcctin..21~21. . .,.~I':;..' 11-4-16

1Iioa (~I). niaKripl.!J7:". '.

(cxpetiI!!oM),J06.1iD''''~~28,

'".' N.owWI)nS ~.

. '. .-u.,,I9-$(I '..'

I.Now l'N GIJ/ y...,y..&IUt

'. ~,""" dlildhoOd.......iD. .ramiiy--.~_\R>1e,Ot.,,~ ~:~~,4'7

"""P...I ~

114 ". ..

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' :~1fI.

.

NW."r.' .'<If...191

. .' .

'OKD...(~_I). ~ ..-.J ( 1)...0 ",pporl;? ._I.., -.S.....

CoIIII8Df_I; .~tiDJ..

..thori 268bec;o"'in&a"~ 0'. 1U-2?

, ' (~~I),'130CbiId,1I6 . .

~ic:t witbiu,m.lsCOI1tamiD8tion of Adult -by.

2S6-S7 . '.COIi1roIICiI Io)'.¥uIi.'2S9:;61crilical, .119-21,'168 ....

'~Dot,l8.. .deoe-lopI:utiul of,l 10-13teOliuf.s ii\._JOO. ...

'.iDa~ ...o.r.~ . .iDoOm~ I2I.iP. '1.26..m_ iuIIu.- o~114.II. .

1"!Din&.bout(.~..).44-46 \ .

'

..

.1

1

\

,

.

QUeotion.. tod p ,a con_268-69' '. .,...'

o' (""'_11). 283-IS.287:18

Rlcket,210 ,IItIpo same. aacl.childhood

. .decbio 37

childhood exalllf 189diaccun\ in, 232

'

, ,.

and aI.poyclwlo8ioal. pooitiona.39

'.'

and sw irt maoap.219th andpllrpcoe or. 221:

'

R8!i-UziD&. 6' '. .

orcon'"""""Iio 257

"ReMtell;.. Of,'250

''Rtallty "",ins. and Mult "10. . .1\81e.18. 249.2$2...'

R~oliln... and 1bON8\WCbad. 145. 148

".

Rec:opiU... b.na '49 c.Rec:opiUOD palle""

(experiment). 72

..

32$

,

I

'1

.

. ,

"..1 I

II

.

.and !&mil)' ~ripts, ,82-85 ;

and .your parents (exp,erirtlent)~. UI . .

SeJ{~I' exprt\$kh'i '.(experiment).104-6 "'.'

Sexuai., Un d \>eha,ior,(.'r.'ril!1ertt).~0!1-8

S.xual.d..uity. 189:93 ,

(.xperim~\u.),~245-'16S._I1>"'blem t..petim.nt~.

2()7-8 " "Sexu'al:w~s. aixuraie:,vs.

e~phemisl11" 1901"95 .'

,

~Qa}ity. '~ut;.tion ,abO~t,266pan;n\al beu.r. abou~m.'JII

ShaJIiC.nd,..!'JIal."P ioit,'l94"Should" a~d "''''~t, wonl..

114-15., "''SiuJulds,'' ')'IanM <if. 116S,ckn~'and' the' Cliild:eg_os,tate,

167 'SirJ,ana:loI!tiip~ 1(14,

'.",

"Sore, poi~ts",andef!O'. boUndaryl"iollS, 2$8 " '."

,

Spe<di ""Ue~ aniI you, paretll.,.

(expanm.nt}, 133'. ,.

SpellboUI>d.lp;er a., 6and scripts:~lh ,&',cutie.89~91

,Spontaneity. de.cription of; 292,293' .

repr,e$Sion'of, '6and WinnerS.' 2~3

Stage.: cen~er. 'sltaring :of. '268,lif. (e.~rirnenl).I.q1-9'. .Priv~tcan" P';bli<;75-76,

Stamps. ,See _Trad:in&stampa.St,roke~ defmjtioD, 47

h1I~p-fot. 47-~<J,rn lI~fanOY.'of( . .

logillmate,232" .,n)aintc:il.a:nce. 50,'60,

,...gali".,49;;~~~'.

;

pt<>\'OCatiOOots3-S'4 ',.:iI1 ul\<rior ti.nsa'cti<ln, 56-57

posilive, 49-53 _ . .i, ...d giving up games. 23h32'information' 'abo'\Jt .

,""

.-

327

. com~tenC:ies,'SO:SI. lCarriiftg to 8cCei*. 216

and timc' structuring. 70Stru<turaJ,...alysis" 16-23

d.frnitian uf. 1&'parionaJ;,y dillgra",; I,' .....

- second ord~,!"

P...~, <!p..

""",11'0-12.." .'.,Stupid ,gome. and~d.~o/'

""mp..~12"

.. ;",a.d~r\pt ~1ySiS. 42-43

!boUle ..,nd pu"",oO.~ 21)Sulking; lS8-S9 .. ,...,

Supa""anOC1:ip~l\)3 . ..... sweatshirt me"!'gcs. %19-211,

(."P.riAl..t), '2AS'<"

~ '",asgaQ1e',ip~tio"":~~i

"multiplc. ,UO , ,

","_."',','"."

. .and~ript(~pc;rim"",),,~ .

"Symbioticat~meitt~'. fia~182.'

," .....

Sympat!lOlic .~are.vl'~1Iitt~ ,

'transaCtioo;';cxam:~j,tT'

l'

,,',":"\', ""'.'

'.

"Taking live" fa, tI(~P.~d.)6S.

~a~~." mcmOry, .r~. ' :". ,1:i. ChildegG"",., ,~~. (~~penment).11.(. ,inParepf_c-so sta,tc.: 1'14;,,',''",

(exper1~t$);, J;1J!.1.74 ;,

Teasing as a disC9ufi~ ,56 .,'Th..in. or .gam.S; 221'~2' .Third~degrce ,'ga~C:.:,Be~e's

"d""ripUOi\,36' ..'"ThI'QWinga. cruJltb'" to-Pate,nt,.

.263-64 .'" ;.' '

,

ti1'1e,.nd:win,n~1", ,', S

i'ime'stnu;t~~nJ. 'm "vfn .,gup

JI1I 23I.'>,,aitd'$tI'O~~s/4~ ",wayS?f, S~~I,64~'

{..pc;ri t).13.'. .' , 'Tiredn "" .lheC~'" ego

,,..i.. 166 ,.'

" 'Tnpdag v~ .u.derdag;,n~,(.xperime.ts). 17.4.240..744

, ,:.

('

\

-WlldtIP, ."WIldt' w_ r... Do 11'I11\...,

M.1'

.

.

. I.I.,

, -