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New Article from McSweeneys Internet Tendency: IM THE BEST STORY IDEA YOUVE EVERHAD.

BY JASON HAYES

- - - -And youre back. Of course you are. How long has it been since you were last hereto drop off those parchment paper love poems you tediously burned around the edges? Three hours? Four? I can see the blisters on your thumb from holding the lighter for Christs sake. Well you know what? Im glad youre back.

Lets be honest, I can see why youre here. After all, Im the Best Story Idea Youve Eer Had.

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It doesnt matter if youre at work or driving to the grocery store, you can alwaysspare a couple minutes to see meto revisit the curves of my plot line. Anything is better than listening to the sway bar clattering in your 1999 Dodge Neon. I mean seriously, my character arc is downright voluptuous. My dark undertones of self-deception will need to rent storage space for the awards theyll win.

I am untouchable right now. Im the Best Story Idea Youve Ever Had. Exposing the leading characterwho probably should be a twist on the Byronic Herothrough intertwined second person narrative and the inner monologue of a local news reporter? Thats just smart. In fact, its genius.

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Were going to blow the lid off the story-writing game. Were going to do for fiction what late 1980s Berlin did for Techno. Whats more, were going to do it with thesame nose-to-the-sky air of dispassion, like were not even trying. When readers finish the last page, their laps a wasteland of tear-soaked Kleenex, theyll thoughtfully enfold your story in their arms and gaze out their window, out into the w

orld, and be all enlightened and shit.

So, no matter what other story youre writing in the real world of criticism and barbs and rust, it doesnt really matter. You dont have to feel the sting when the writing group suggests you overthought your short story, or when your friends politely ask you to stop sending them drafts. Your ego is safe tucked away with me. Im the ace up your sleeve. Im the .44 you brought to the knife fight.

Lets just set some boundaries though, before we send this rocket to the moon. When I said I was untouchable, I meant that. As in, hands off. Why? Because you need me. More specifically, you need me looking like this.

Right now, I look as good as the ladies of the Adult Entertainment Expo when you

 first walk in the door. Just dont get too close or youll be face-to-face with mydetails. And the details, my friend, are neither pretty nor real. Think about them too much and youll start to feel icky and alone.

We both know that if you put me on paper weird shit is going to happen. Youll sit down at the computer and realize you need a setting in a bad way. Like a two-pack-a-day sort of way. All of a sudden my narrative voice will become that of a Mexican cartel Jefe. You dont know anything about Mexico. You get indigestion from guacamole.

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What do you know about the main characters love interest, really? Dont even try to fill in those blanks. She will turn into a character played by Kristen Stewartfaster than you can say I shouldnt have eaten all that guacamole.

So lets keep this straight. I stay like I am and youre free to visit whenever youneed a taste.

When your co-worker who takes off at four and hits on all the ladies gets the promotion, you wont have to think about it. Just think about how popular and well respected youll be when you write me.

When you get an exs wedding invitation in the mail, Im there for you like Mommy slinging hot cocoa on a Sunday in December.

Im the Best Story Idea Youve Ever Had, so kick back and relax Tiger. Were going tobe just fine.