BESTof

DUgusto kubiak | clarion

may 19, 2014Volume 4 Sesquicentennial Edition

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Staff Writers

lanna giauqueEditor-in-Chief

breanna demontManaging Editor

alex johnsonEditor Emeritus

gusto kubiakPhotography Editor

calvin jouardSports Editor

kaitlynne birkettCo-Copy Chief

emma mckayOpinions Editor

meg mcintyreEntertainment EditorSocial Media Director

logan bakerAssistant Editor

Editorial Board

FacultyAdviserAndrew Matranga

AdvertisingManager

Adrienne LeonardBusiness Manager

Roderick O’Dorisio

Senior Reporters

carli hansenNews Editor

camilla sterneLifestyles Editor

connor davisAssistant Lifestyles Editor

paul heinenWeb Editor

Sawyer D’ArgonneNaomi Forman Kaitlynne Birkett

Jillian QueriBrandon Tate

Online and Digital Sales Lead

JD Arora

Staff PhotographersEmily Krebs

Letter from the (now-former) Editor

May 19, 2014

As the year closes and our friends at other universities remind us about how they’ve been done with school for weeks, DU stu-dents are left to wallow in the spring and push through the final weeks of what feels like a dreadfully long spring quarter.

This year’s magazine helps mark DU’s sesquicentennial anniversary; throughout the publication you will find several par-tially re-published articles that we found relevant to this milestone for DU.

We hope that you take some solace in this magazine, and enjoy this romp that’s published every May as a part of DU’s May Days celebrations on campus. The Best of DU serves as our final project at the Clarion, the culmination of hours of work from our editors and staff on this lighthearted project.

Although the articles are hyperbolic satire and meant to characterize DU in humor-ous lights, some of the issues raised here-in are very serious ones indeed.

Inasmuch that we all enjoy giving a good ribbing to this institution, we also know the amazing opportunities it presents us with.

We all joke about broken elevators, our non-mascot and campus administration, but this space, this culture and these peo-ple, our fellow students, have all shaped our future, hopefully in a positive way.

I remain yours,

Alex JohnsonDU Clarion Editor-in-Chief 2013-2014

Katerina ArzhayevChief Photographer

Kaitlynne BirkettCopy Chief

Naomi FormanStaff Writer

Lanna GiauqueEditor-in-Chief

The Best of DU is an annual tradition on campus. It has been distributed during DU May Days since 2011; written anonymously by Clarion staff, it reflects neither the opinions of the University of Denver, nor its faculty or staff. The opinions expressed by col-umnists and contributing writers do not necessarily reflect those of The Clarion.

2 May 19, 2014

Alex JohnsonEditor Emeritus

Brandon TateSenior Reporter

Gusto KubiakPhotography Editor

2014 Best of DU contributors:

Table of Contents: 3

Campus Culture

Resident Life

Around Town

Best Way to Spend $100,000 and Get Literally Nothing Done................................................................5Special DU@150 supplement: Women Pioneer Path at DU..........................................................................5Best Internet to Never Connect, Ever..................................................................................................6Best Form of On-Campus Entertainment......................................................................................................6Best Course Offered at DU.......................................................................................................................7Best Professorial Tattoo............................................................................................................................7HEAD-TO-HEAD: Which Is the Best New Student Organization?............................................................8HEAD-TO-HEAD: Which Restaurant Is the Best After a Night Out?.........................................................10Best Chancellor We’ll Never Forget........................................................................................................12Best Way for the Sturm College of Law to Save Money...........................................................................12Best Sandwich You’ve Never Had..........................................................................................................13

Best Way to Spend Your Money.................................................................................................................15Best Way to Spend $700,000 With No Regrets.............................................................................................15Best Campus Crime Reports from 2013-2014 ........................................................................................16Best Way to Get One’s Exercise....................................................................................................................18Best Dorm In Need of a Facelift..........................................................................................................................18

Best Non-DU Affiliated Website.................................................................................................................20Best Apartment Complex to Take All of Your Money...................................................................................21Best Bar to Avoid Underage Students...........................................................................................................21Best Campus Happy Hour.......................................................................................................................22Best Place To Study....................................................................................................................................23Special DU@150 supplement: The History of Winter Carnival...............................................................23

May 19, 2014

Campus Culture

gusto kubiak | clarion

Campus CultureMay 19, 2014

BEST WAY TO SPEND $100,000 AND GET LITERALLY NOTHING DONE:Form a mascot committee and get no results

It’s only ever so appro-priate that the incoming student body, comprised of students aged sixteen to seventy six, not fi nd anything in common besides the campus on which they attend class. Who wants to be tied together by a unifying fetish. No, not the kind of fetish your roommate tries to hide: a fetish as in an inanimate object worshipped because it is inhabited by a spirit. In this case, the spirit of the student body.

We can call our-selves the Pioneers, but thanks to shenanigans that have cost us well over the $100,000 esti-mate, we aren’t actually pioneers anymore, and in fact, haven’t been

since the 2007-08 season. Th e mascot committee appointed in 2011 had 76 members — more than the fi nal Broncos roster, but that’s ok because at least we got further than the Bron-cos (oh wait no, we didn’t).

Losing a hundred grand might not be so bad in retrospect, as one student pays the university double that just for a four year education, but hurt feelings remain. Anyone remember “Mile-High Cyrus”?

Th e Red-Vested Jack-alope that the Mascot Development Project tried to push on students did not fare well with the student body. I don’t understand why this animated embodi-ment of Miley Cyrus was not seen to illustrate the ideals of the DU student

body - things like respect, diversity, and inclusivity. When she performed at the VMA’s, the foam fi nger she used as a prop was very respectfully included in the performance, in a diversity of ways.

For me, the problem isn’t that DU is only one of about twenty colleges in the nation without a mascot, it’s coming up with excuses for my parents about why they haven’t gotten proper spirit gear.

When my Mom visited the campus, the fi rst stop was the bookstore. Mind you, while it’s nice and all to buy a $40 t-shirt that says “University of Denver” on it in a fancy font, she wasn’t thrilled.

It seems like she isn’t the only person: many DU

students and alums have been pressured by the administration to get rid of the clothing and other items that feature Boone. Obviously, image is huge for the reputation of a school, which is prob-ably why last year DU spent over $200,000 on developing a new logo.

Th ousands of letter heads, envelopes, busi-ness cards, maps, and informational material had to be re-printed.

So don’t be upset that as a university, you are not represented by a traditional mascot – at least we have a cool, unique crest! (Oh wait, didn’t we steal that idea from Harvard and every other school on this planet?)

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While many colleges and universities across the United States did not begin accept-ing women as students until well into the 20th century, the University of Denver has been a co-educational institution since shortly after DU first opened its doors in 1864. The university did not begin actively seeking female students until the early 1880s, but during the period

between 1884 and 1899, women constituted over a quarter of all of DU’s graduates.

DU saw its first female graduate in 1886, when Helen Fuller Officer graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree. Officer was one of only two people in her graduating class and attended classes at DU’s original downtown campus.

[ ... ]One year later, in 1887, Eleanor Lawney

became the first woman to graduate from a Colorado medical institution as a graduate of DU’s College of Medicine. After her gradu-ation, Lawney served as president on the State Board of Charities and Corrections and worked at Denver Children’s Hospital.

In 1900, Emma Azalia Hackley, the first African American woman to graduate from

DU, received her degree in music. Hackley was rela-tively well known as a singer, teacher, conductor and com-poser in the music industry throughout her life.

She was also involved in women’s suffrage and racial equality efforts and founded the Colored Women’s League in Denver.

Other notable alum-nae throughout DU’s his-tory include Rebecca Ann Dreman, named Miss Amer-ica in 1974, Home Depot CEO Carol Tomé, silver and bronze Olympic figure skat-ing medalist Michelle Kwan and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

meg mcintyreEntertainment Editor

This article is re-printed in part from the April 23, 2014 Clarion. The full ar-ticle is available at http://duclarion.com/women-pioneer-path-at-du/

Women pioneer path at DU

May 19, 2014Campus CultureBEST INTERNET TO NEVER CONNECT, EVER:

PioneerNetIf you want to

find yourself without internet access for pro-longed periods of time, PioneerNet is—with-out a doubt—the best choice for you.

Not only will it fill your computer’s memory with DU-related joy, continu-ously requiring you to reinstall the NetGear program for a grand total of 2 MB of space for (sometimes daily or even hourly) download,

it will randomly cut out, slow down or kick you off your website of choice, giving you all the thrills you could ever hope for from your internet provider.

Got a big p r e s e nt a t i o n coming up?

Hop e f u l ly you don’t need to access the web during.

What about in-class final? Good luck with

accessing the Internet. May the odds be ever in your favor, fair Pioneers.

Another important feature to keep in mind is Pio-neerNet’s abil-ity to simply stop working at random and unannounced times for hours on end. This can effectively

prevent you from access-ing Blackboard, doing research or otherwise

BEST FORM OF ON-CAMPUS ENTERTAINMENT:

“Helping” tour guides

We’ve all seen them: the forced-smile, caff eine-fi lled, color-coordinated tour guides leading packs of awkward high schoolers (and the parents that embarrass them) around campus.

Our tireless leaders of campus recruiting do their best to convince these youngins that DU is the best school for them. It is the least the rest of us can do to help them accomplish their jobs, and perhaps give everyone involved a good laugh while doing it.

Luckily, the task is not a challenging one. For example, if you get a campus safety call late at night telling you an armed bike thief is raging through campus, make sure to approach a tour group the next day

completing your home-work until the very last minute, so even your most ultimate and adrenaline-filled thrill-seeker desires will be met.

If you think that a service that meets your needs so com-pletely may be out of your price range, think again!

PioneerNet is avail-able at the bargain price of about $50,000 per year.

6

and share this information with the families on the tour.

Th is will give the stu-dents and their families an invaluable glimpse into daily campus life, and will also help you improve your conversation skills.

If you have pressing information to share but feel bad interrupting the tour guide’s spiel about the history of the Mary Reed building, feel free to pull out your phone and have a loud, fake conversation about the amazing hookup you had last night.

Th is is the kind of information that will be especially interesting to high school seniors.

Some visitors on these tours may learn better through visual observa-tion than through con-versation. In this case, it

is suggested you adopt a more interactive approach.

For example, why not try a light saber war that takes you straight through the tour group, or a Frisbee match with a stray throw that ends up flying right through the tour guide?

Perhaps these could even be most effective if performed in your under-wear—keep in mind that you want to represent your pastimes (and your average daily attire) in an accurate fashion.

If you know the tour guide, feel free to holler from several yards away about the raging party you both went to last night, how crazy he or she got, and just how hungover you still are.

If you’re lucky enough to have one of the fi rst

fl oor JMAC rooms that will inevitably be fre-quented by practically every tour group that comes through campus, you have an especially important duty to help relay the realities of campus living.

Why not time your shower routine around when you expect the tours? Th is way, you can welcome the tour into your room wearing only a towel.

Clearly, there are many ways to get involved with recruiting new students to campus, and there’s plenty of room to be creative about new options. Just remem-ber to always interact directly with groups, be brutally honest, and—most importantly—have fun!

Campus CultureMay 19, 2014

BEST COURSE OFFERED AT DU:American Government Simulation (SimGov)

If banging gavels, giving melodramatic one-minute speeches, America, being appalled and elated, draft ing bills and sitting through com-mittee hearings is for you, then take Professor Seth Masket’s American Government Simula-tion class, also known as SimGov.

Take it any way you can, for whatever reason, because it’s hands-down the best course off ered at DU.

Imagine a room on the fourth fl oor of Sturm Hall fi lled with political science geeks with loft y ideas about liberty and government and equal-ity, empowered by their youthful, raging ambi-tions and years of politi-cal engagement. Th at’s a brief primer of SimGov.

Freshmen and ye young folk be aware; this class is full of people who’ve worked on cam-paigns, worked in the capitol and who gener-ally know what they’re

BEST PROFESSORIAL TATTOO:Professor Frederique Chevillot, French Department

You might expect a French professor to live up to one or more of several stereotypes typically associated with the Francophone culture; perhaps your prof dresses in a beret and horizontally-striped black and white shirt; perhaps he or she treats the American culture with a marked disdain and cha-grin; perhaps he or she smokes cigarettes and has a tiny, wispy mustache that’s elaborately curled; or perhaps your professor has a

7

talking about. And to the other side, your position is wrong. Always.

Th e class has 30 mem-bers and mirrors the mem-bership of the real House of Representatives, meaning that 13 students portray Democrats and 17 portray Republicans. Th is creates great tension between those foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid liberals who want to cut defense and tax the U.S. into oblivion and the knuckle-dragging conservatives who want to ravage the Earth for its resources and criminalize all abortions.

Th e class teaches not only able teamwork and compromise, but also gives many practical lessons on Congress and electoral politics. For example, when a Republican in a tough re-election battle in Colorado votes to increase the mini-mum wage and then votes to reform Social Security, what will the eff ect be back home in his district?

What about when the majority is one vote short of

a quorum and the minority party stages a walkout?

Take the class and fi nd out. Th e answer to the latter question, though, is that the majority locks the minority in the hall, rams the vote through and then shuts down any attempt at dissent from the appalled minority. True story.

Don’t be intimidated by the 80+ page manual to the class, which can be used a tome on parliamentary procedure and double as a weapon to beat the House Minority Leader when he/she acts out of order. And trust me, he/she will.

Masket, the chair of the Political Science depart-ment, is himself a bona fi de politico; he’s appeared on FOX News, written numer-ous books and is incred-ibly knowledgeable about parliamentary procedure, American government, elections and the massive body of scholarship in his discipline.

Plus, he’s really into Star Wars, so that’s cool. He’s the kind of Star Wars

fan who has a “Han Solo encased in Carbonite” iPhone case. He has the wisdom of Yoda, the foresight of Qui-Gon Jinn and knows how to wield power better than Emperor Palpatine.

Masket seems to devote all of his time and energy to this class, which is part of what makes it so enjoyable for students. He runs a blog for the class, modeled like a newspaper called the SimGov Sentinel. He also operates a Twit-ter page for the class, and regularly tweets out snarky fl oor speech remarks, information about class updates, bills, etc.

At the end of the class, he aggregates all of the votes taken by mem-bers and compares them to their real-life counter-parts. Masket is a model educator who makes students care about the course and challenges them to work as hard as he does.

certain je ne sais quoi that suddenly makes you want to spend long hours abed with some of Baudelaire’s more bawdy poetry.

But professor Frederique Chevillot, the most badass person in the depart-ment, defi es all the stereotypes.

One way she does this is with her incomparably badass tattoo of “Om,” a Sanskrit symbol associated with numerous Eastern religions, such as Hinduism and Buddhism.

Th e ink jumps out in a myriad color

scheme reminiscent of a rainbow. Th e meaning of “om” is nebu-

lous and vague.Th at’s also how almost all of the rules of French grammar are defi ned—contextual and relative.

And nobody really knows what they mean, or why they exist.

Having been on a sabbatical for all of the 2013-2014 school year, she has been greatly missed by students and coleagues. Fred, come back soon!

HEAD-TO-HEADWhich is the best new student organization?

DU VEGAN AND VEGETARIAN SOCIETY

Vegans: they are a little cheeky, a lot sweet and a dash of reality minus any meat. DU’s vegetarians, vegans and veg-enthusiasts have recently been united by a new student organization, DU Vegan and Vegetarian Society.

With smiles, style and spunk they have been pre-senting a new perspective on life, sans animal products.

However, they’re not vegetable obsessed, car-nivore despising, militant animal lovers who want to shove tofu down your throat.

Th ey’re just students trying to promote compas-sion, sustainability and healthy living; plus get some decent food on this campus.

DUVVS is adamantly striving to raise awareness, cultivate community and improve dining services.

From you to the head of Sodexo they’re trying to kill us all with kindness and save an animal … or two billion. Th ey are the keepers of cute stickers and master bakers of vegan things, they are the creators of chalk cows and Facebook posters of adorable pigs.

All they ask is for a few less lentil purees and veg-etables that don’t look like they’ve been sitting for days. We know you’re hesitant, they’re a mysterious folk, but you might be surprised that even they can joke.

What do you call a vegetarian who starts eating meat?...Someone who lost their VEG-inity! See?

But in all seriousness,

they speak with passion and ask the toughest of questions, “If vegetarians eat vegetables…what do humanitarians eat?”

It’s dialogue they desire, so speak candidly and inquire. “Where do you get your protein…and those other things that you need?”

A million times over they’ve heard, guaranteed, but they’ll indulge you once more for they never know when they might succeed. Succeed in the convincing of your heart; “Eat less animals” is all they wish to impart.

Diff erent strokes for diff erent folks, but give them a chance. At the very least you might get some candy and a cash advance. Of one dollar. One dollar richer and four min-utes more aware of the cruelty they combat with their colorful posters and compassion-gun holsters.

Let’s take a step back, examine for real the true testament to the awesomeness seal. Weird Al may have thought it was “all about the Pentiums,” but at DU it’s all about the acronyms, baby. Th e ease to its cleverness and functionality in its creativeness.

On this account alone DU Vegan and Vegetarian society, otherwise known as DUVVS, wins the category of Best New Student Organization.

DUVVS like doves, the birds symbolic of peace, peace being a com-passionate life, a compassionate life

involving less lives taken, less environmental and health degradation, these achieved through consum-ing less animal products, less consumption of animal products inevitably a step towards peace and peace is presented by DUVVS.

Don’t accuse them of being infatuated with veg-etables, they’re as big pasta lovers and Illegal Pete’s eaters as you are.

Give them a second, to give you a fl ier and you just might never look at meat the same way. Th ey’re doing their part, now how about you help out. Pick a meal, pick a day and try the vegetarian way.

May 19, 2014

HEAD-TO-HEAD

PIORADIO/KXDU

The radio airwaves have been silent all throughout the DU world this year.

However, in due time those airwaves will be thriving with best tunes from rock to rap and more. In the meantime, the new KXDU Radio team has been a busy bunch put-ting together a variety of promotional pro-gramming and com-batting the bureau-cratic music process that prevent you ever awesome Pios from

h e a r i n g the voices of your friends.

E v e r y Friday, a group of t e c h n o -l o g i c a l w i z a r d s gathers in the radio room of Driscoll Underground to secretly plot their next move to bring back radio to DU.

In addition, there is also that short bald member of the team who, for some puzzling reason, has an extremely

inane habit of posting #selfies on their page like a teen-age girl. Yet where he lacks in t e c h n o l o g y he makes up for in pro-motions and outreach.

N o n e -theless, the radio team r e m a i n s ever vigilant to resolve issues deal-ing with l i c e n s i n g , e qu ipm e nt , e n t e r t a i n -ment, you name it.

T h e K X D U Radio team

In this corner, the new kid on the block, the masterminds behind KXDU’s latest comeback; in the other corner, DU’s resident saints of seitan.

“KXDU has found a new avenue of entertaining the DU community through mass gatherings of song-

singing and camaraderie.”

“KXDU has found a new avenue

does not sit around waiting for problems to somehow magically fix themselves, but rather they do it themselves.

What helps to make this dis-tinct group of individuals stay together and prevent those air-waves from going under is that they acknowledge and respect each other’s views regarding music, and other issues, they are all driven by one common goal:

Bringing radio back to DU.Unfortunately for them, they

can not do it all on their own. Without being able to get to bumping beats, craftily criticiz-ing of policy or humor, their options of what they can do are kind of limited.

But thanks in part to DU CAPE, KXDU has found a new avenue of entertaining the DU community through mass gather-ings of song - singing and cama-raderie.

Not being able to broadcast has put them on an island away from the DU mix as a whole, but like we mentioned earlier, they are driven by that common goal of theirs.

So go find them on Twitter using @KXDURadio and like them on Facebook for more entertainment opportunities to come!

9May 19, 2014

Which restaurant is the best after a night out?

ILLEGAL PETE’S

Th ere is nothing like the sweet taste of chips and queso, topped with some delectable shredded meat sprinkled over the top. Yet even better than a normal trip to Illegal Pete’s is entering the shrine to everything good in a post-Stadium haze. Th e crowd may be loud and obnoxious, but typically the pros-pect of sweet, sweet delicacies about to be consumed is enough to keep one in line—even the biggest of people-haters.

Illegal Pete’s can be found at 1744 East Evans Avenue, mere steps from the DU campus and across the street from other bars such as the Stadium Inn and Snarf ’s. Its hours are Mon.-Wed. 7 a.m.-12 a.m., Th urs.-Fri 7 a.m.-2:30 a.m., Sat. 9 a.m.-2:30 a.m. and Sun. 9 a.m.-12 a.m.

Th e crowd is abound at Pete’s at any weekend night,

fi lled to the brim with drunken colle-giates attempting to prevent tomorrow’s hangover with a load of carbs, or those who are just giving into the drunchies.

It can be assured that the workers at Pete’s aren’t that happy about their late night custom-ers; trying to under-stand a slurred order, complete with a nonexistent tip, is probably not the most rewarding of professions.

If one is looking for a simultaneous bar/ restaurant, Pete’s is also your place to go. Th ose margaritas paired with that queso and those torti-llas? Absolute perfection. In addition to the riled-up weekend nights, Wednesday evenings are another popular place to get one’s cheap alcohol on: Flip Night. Flip a coin, guess it heads or tails correctly, get your drink for a quarter.

Comparable to Pete’s after midnight is Pete’s in the morning. If it is possible to remove yourself from your bed, drag-ging your exhausted self down Evans Ave. a couple blocks for a breakfast bur-rito (or even breakfast chips and queso). Breakfast is served every day of the week: Mon.-Fri. 7 a.m.-10:30 a.m. and

photo courtesy of blogs.westword.com

Sat.-Sun. 9 a.m.-1 p.m.With a plethora of options more

than Chipotle, Pete’s definitely sweeps the variety bracket of fake Mexican food. In addition to the typical tacos, burritos and salads front, taquitos, fish tacos, quesadillas and nachos are available, with other toppings such as potatoes, green chile or pesto.

If salsa and other delicacies don’t appeal to your taste buds, don’t worry! Cookies and sopapillas galore can also be nommed on at any hours of the day.

If you have not yet had the plea-sure of entering into those beautiful glass doors this year, you should prob-ably plan a day (or night) in which to enter the best food coma of your life. With summer rolling around and the spring weather looking relatively non-snowy, the outside deck will be open to the public, as well as the outside bar. There’s nothing better.

Check out the menu at http://illegalpetes.com/menu and plan your next hungover brunch/ nighttime snack/ dinner with friends there.

“Those margaritas paired with that queso and those tortillas? Absolute

perfection.”

HEAD-TO-HEAD10 May 19, 2014

In this corner, the old standby at Evans and High: Jerusalem’s. In the other, the gastronomic challenger to Jeru’s hegemony: Illegal Pete’s.

JERUSALEM RESTAURANT

Evans Avenue west of campus is home to numerous eateries, bars, other local mer-chants and a dispensary. It’s a veritable bacchanalia of lecher-ous collegiate debauchery; one can go from the Stadium to Snarfs to Illegal Pete’s to drink, and then teeter into Jerusalem’s Restaurant, aff ectionately and universally known as Jeru’s.

Nevermind their alleged health violations last year. Bollocks—the drinking that happened before Jeru’s should have killed that fl u virus, right? Jeru’s is fantastic while sober, but stumbling in aft er a round (or two [or three]) at the nearby bars makes the experience even better. Th e restaurant is a true Denver staple, having been a part of the DU community for many years.

Th e staff is friendly and the ser-vice is quick enough to fi ll up and then get in bed for a few hours of shut eye between Flip Night and your Th ursday 8 a.m. classes.

Th e menu, while a little confusing to those not versed in Middle Eastern cuisine, is fi lled with various meats, sides, hummus and other delights. Whether you’re a meat eater on the level of a range-riding cow-poke or a budding, karma-concerned vegetarian, Jeru’s is sure to have some-

thing to fi ll you up--and to help soak up those last two Jameson and ginger ales.

Order a vegetarian combo platter for just under $10 and you’ll be set for days. Th is heaping platter comes with a mound of fries, falafel, grape leaves, rice, hummus, baba ganoush, tabouleh salad and cucumber salad. Oh, and a basket of warm pitas on the side make a perfect sandwich to go.

Use the restaurant’s hot sauce and tzatziki as an added “yin and yang” culi-nary experience. Instead of going home and having a nightcap of Jim Beam, have a Jeru’s combo plate and save the rest for a breakfast the next morning--you’ll need it.

Th e dining space at Jeru’s has a rustic, quasi-Occidental vibe. Anthro-pology majors will delight

Take a seat at one of the available eight seats inside the restaurant, or choose to sit on the porch area, hang-

gusto kubiak | clarion

� is view of Jerusalem’s shows the awning-style roof and “outdoor” seating.

HEAD-TO-HEAD 11May 19, 2014

ing precariously next to High Street.

By no means is this author an expert in Denver zoning codes, but Jeru’s seems to be cobbled together out of four or fi ve old outbuildings, a tent and a handful of burlap sacks. But it’s exactly this ruggedness that gives Jeru’s its charm.

Th e food and staff make the dining experience enjoyable. Just don’t use their bathrooms. Th ey’re literally so small that a regular-sized human can’t actu-ally sit on the toilet.

Aft er a night out around campus, stop in to Jerusalem’s Restaurant for food that not only nourishes the body, but also warms the soul ... because the fries are served at approximately 300 degrees Fahrenheit.

May 19, 2014Campus CultureBEST CHANCELLOR WE WILL NEVER FORGET:

Coombe DaddyDuring his 33 years

at DU, Chancellor Robert Coombe has worn many hats. He first came to DU as a faculty member in the chemistry department. From there, he became chair of the Department of Chemistry and Bio-chemistry; dean of the Division of Natural Sci-ences, Mathematics, and Engineering; and DU provost. He has been chancellor since 2005.

Aside from the innate impressiveness of the fact that at DU, a chemistry faculty member can advance to being Chancellor of the entire university, Coombe’s wide variety of positions show his vari-ous talents and passions.

It seems his first love, however, will always be chemistry, a discipline that provided lessons Coombe used through-out his time in the position of chancellor; he not only understood the elements and com-pounds of the university,

he applied what he knew to create chemistry between faculty members, students, and alumni to make DU the great place we know it to be.

He didn’t think he was a prime element on the chancellor’s periodic table of life, and he understood how all of the elements, including himself, could use attraction and bonds to work well together. One way he showed these beliefs was through his willingness to make himself available to hear concerns and ideas from the DU community. In addition, he was eager to experiment with hypoth-eses, if they seemed ratio-nal, such as when he agreed to create a fund to ensure students in the department of Geography could travel and learn in the field for 11 weeks every fall quarter.

Like every good chem-ist, he knew that not all experiments would ‘pan out,’ but he tried to make sure the bunson burner never got too hot, and he titrated carefully to make sure he didn’t blow DU from its foundation. Even

when an experiment didn’t work out well, he was not soured on trying another, if it seemed feasible.

Anyone who has been present for one of his speeches has seen that Coombe truly cares about this institution, and it doesn’t take an accomplished scientist like Coombe to know that anyone who has been with the university for more than a fifth of its 150 years cares about its success.

While leading anything as large as a university will certainly present its challenges and opportuni-ties for disappointments,

Coombe always acted in a way that made it clear that he wanted to leave DU a better place than when he took its helm.

He even puts up with 20-somethings, who have been alive for less time than he’s worked at DU, using him as a scapegoat, making snarky comments about all the copper on campus, and—of course—calling him Coombe Daddy.

So here’s to Coombe, the man who has dedi-cated so much of his life to making DU the best place he can make it.

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ryan lumpkin | clarion

BEST WAY FOR THE STURM COLLEGE OF LAW TO SAVE MONEY:Hire more women

At the White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the beginning of May, Joel McHale suggested that the country should seriously consider elect-ing Hillary Clinton pres-ident. “As our first female president, we could pay her 30 percent less,” he said. “That’s a savings our country could use!”

While it may seem that McHale was presenting an idea on the cutting edge for institutional savings, our very own Sturm College of Law has been saving money in that manner for decades.

Of course, with an esti-mated cost of attendance per student of nearly $61,000 per year, the Sturm College of Law’s price tag does not

make it clear exactly why these savings are necessary.

Luckily, however, there are simple ways for the law school to save money: hire more women.

Why would this be effective? According to the Denver Post, after a set of salary raises in the school last year, female full-time professors in the law school

made, on average, $15,859 less per year than males did.

That’s a lot of savings, folks.

DU is clearly above average, even in its cost-cutting.

As a more specific example, Lucy Marsh, who started teaching at DU in 1973 and has

Campus CultureMay 19, 2014

BEST SANDWICH YOU’VE NEVER HAD:The new campus Subway

When it was announced that the good old Pub in Driscoll Underground was going defunct, many students on campus may have been somewhat compla-cent about the change. The Pub food sometimes made you question whether you were eating leftovers from the dining halls. At an average of $10 per meal, it was signifi-cantly overpriced.

The service was so slow that you could finish literally every piece of homework you had before your often luke-warm food finally arrived.

Rumors of the

delectable Panda Express replacing the problematic establishment were ram-pant across campus, and it seemed a franchise might be an improvement over the Sodexo-run Pub.

Then it was announced that the replacement would not be a re-opening, a Panda Express, or any other entity new to the campus com-munity. Instead, the space would be turned into a Subway.

Yes, a Subway. Did it matter that there

is a Subway two blocks away on University? Apparently not.

Did DU care that there are multiple sandwich

places within mere steps of campus, or that students could build a sandwich themselves in the dining halls?

Of course not. Luckily, Sodexo pre-

dicted students would have until January and the start of the winter quarter to get used to the idea. Unfortu-nately, that prediction was a little off; the first day of winter quarter came and went, and there was still no Subway.

Soon, the entire winter quarter had come and gone, with nothing to show for it but an empty restaurant space displayed mourn-fully for every student who

walked through Driscoll north to see.

It was not until the middle of the spring quarter, after many a reminiscent thought back to the days of the Pub, that the new Subway finally opened and students got to find out the answer.

With a footlong in one hand and a 600-page art history tome in the other, savor the now-permanent scents of freshly-baked bread in Driscoll Underground, the gourmet delights of the new Subway and relish, Pioneers, in the best sandwich you’ve never had on this campus.

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been a full-time profes-sor since 1982, makes $109,000 per year. That makes her salary not only a full $49,000 less per year than the median full-time profes-sor salary at the school, but also the lowest of any other professor in the Sturm College of Law school’s faculty.

Anyone concerned that the Sturm College of Law Dean Martin Katz, who specializes in employment and antidis-crimination law, might be interested in depleting some of the school’s sav-ings need not worry. He is excellent at finding places to save, and when the law school finds itself with extra money for faculty raises, as it did in 2013, he stated that he gave it to professors without regard for any inequalities that

may have been present. To provide further support to his intent to save money, while Katz informed Marsh that her salary was the lowest at the law school, he also added that her com-petitive target salary was $181,000—a full $72,000 that Marsh is not receiving that helps the school save money every year.

Unfortunately, Marsh did not see the situation the same way, and after unsuccessfully trying to negotiate with the school, filed a gender discrimina-tion charge with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).

In a response to the charge sent out to the University last year, Katz wrote, “we have a clear and transparent performance evaluation process by which every member is evaluated and through which all merit

raises are determined.” According to the response, professors are evaluated for raises based on three factors: their quality of teaching, their research and scholar-ship, and their service to the Sturm College of Law and the Legal Profession.

It is amazing, then, that Katz has been able to save the school so much money by keeping Marsh’s salary the lowest in the school when she has received honors from the Colorado Lawyer and the Denver Bar Association for her work, she started the very suc-cessful Tribal Wills Project now conducted by the law school annually, and she even won the “Excellence in Teaching” award from the Sturm College of Law at its annual Law Stars Fund-raiser in 2010.

In fact, Marsh’s $109,000 pay makes her wages just

73 percent of the median Sturm College of Law professor salary. Accord-ing to the EEOC, women earn 77 percent of what men make. This means that under Katz’s leader-ship, the Sturm College of Law is going above and beyond—even compared to national averages—to ensure the highest sav-ings possible through the salaries it pays to female professors.

It is estimated that women won’t earn equal wages with men until 2057, and the law school is doing everything it can to ensure it saves as much money as possible until this prediction becomes a reality.

With that kind of leadership, it seems that the DU Sturm College of Law is—once again—on the cutting edge.

BEST WAY FOR THE STURM COLLEGE OF LAW TO SAVE MONEY, continued

Resident Life

gusto kubiak | clarion

Resident LifeMay 19, 2014

BEST WAY TO SPEND YOUR MONEY:

Buy a (clearly authentic) suit out of the back of a Range Rover.If you are paying

$50,000 a year for your education at DU, chances are you’re interested in fi nding any way you can to save a dollar or two. Th is includes your purchase of the all-important profes-sional attire, which—of course—must be com-pleted by a great suit.

We’ve all heard that a high quality suit is some-thing that can help you get internships and jobs, and help give you confi -dence during a big pre-sentation. It’s an essential investment to make.

Of course, to make that investment as a knowledgeable and rea-

sonable consumer, you have many buying options. You could decide to make your suit purchase at Ross and spend your entire day sorting through clothes. You could opt for Kohls and drive 20 miles to fi nd what you’re looking for. You could shop at the Goodwill and deal with a former owner’s armpit stains. You could choose the Cherry Creek mall for your shop-ping needs and sacrifi ce the arm and leg you’ll need to actually wear the suit you want to buy.

Or, naturally, you could buy your suit out of the side of a Range Rover parked near campus.

While the last option may not seem like the most traditional method of suit shopping, it’s hard to beat its convenience. Who has time to go to a storefront suit buying location anyway? In fact, if the book buy-back van is also out, you can accomplish all your errands without ever taking a step off campus. Plus, you don’t even have to sacrifi ce brand names with the Range Rover option; it carries Armani brand suits at an unbe-lievable price. What else could a college-educated shopper ask for?

If that weren’t

enough, the owner is a very nice Italian man named “Gallo Al Dorsi.”

Not only will you get an Armani suit, you’ll get to meet someone whose Italian accent clearly proves he’s from Italy.

When it comes to suit buying, the best option is clear: buy an Armani suit out of a Range Rover. If you do it right, your purchase might even be monumental enough to be advertised by the Department of Campus Safety here on campus. Let’s only hope every buying decision makes as much sense and is as great as this one.

BEST WAY TO SPEND $700,000 WITH NO REGRETS:Build a second elevator in Sturm Hall

Aft er you roll out of bed and trudge to class, your coff ee gripped like lifeblood in your hand, the last thing you want to do is climb the never-ending and harrowing steps to the tippy top of Sturm.

Aft er all, you do NOT want to show up to class huffi ng and puffi ng like you just ran a marathon, especially when you haven’t even met half the cute people in your class yet.

To avoid the red-faced marathon-up-the-stairs look, the clear alternative is to take the elevator.

U n f o r t u n a t e l y , everyone else on campus also had the same idea, and you fi nd

yourself plastered fi rmly against that kid who hasn’t showered in a week and only emerges from a dark video-gaming lair of a room on very special occasions.

Luckily, before that kid decides today’s special occasion is hitting on you, the elevator doors open and you escape, graced with a breath of the rela-tively fresh air of Sturm’s fourth fl oor.

“Clearly,” you think to yourself, “there needs to be another elevator in this building.” You’d think that during the university’s sesquicentennial year, we would have progressed far enough in civilization to be able to aff ord two elevators in one building. Now, it is so, aft er who-

knows-how-long.As a lowly DU student

on campus, you have absolutely no real power to make this happen.

Luckily, however, once-a-week shower kid must also frequent that elevator when DU facili-ties management rides in it, because someone with actual copper-plating power has the same idea you do.

Is the elevator con-struction worth the year-long odd noises?

Th e nasty paint smells? Th e inconvenient closed back alley?

Th e awkward tarps over which you have to walk on your way to class?

Th e extra copper they had to bring in to make it match the campus’s soon-

to-be oxidized façade?The best part about

the huge price tag, though, is that profes-sors at DU are actually paid more than this. Most importantly, is it worth the $700,000 price tag—the eco-nomic equivalent of 14 students attending DU at full price for a year?

“Absolutely,” you think you yourself. “It doesn’t even matter that it doesn’t go to the first floor.”

Unfortunately, what you (and facili-ties management) don’t know is that once-a-week-shower kid has a sibling, and they like to take sepa-rate elevators.

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Resident Life May 19, 2014

BEST CAMPUS CRIME REPORTS FROM 2013-2014:

Monday, Feb. 17, 2014 at 2:14 p.m. – DCS responded to a report of a fire burning just outside of the Chambers Center for the Advancement of Women. Upon arrival at the scene, officers observed several contract employees extinguishing a burning shrub. The con-tracted employees stated that the fire was caused by a welding spark that had contacted the shrub in question. The Denver Fire Department (DFD) responded to the scene, ensured that the fire was properly distinguished and departed.

Saturday, Feb. 21,

2014 at 12:20 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding an intoxicated, unconscious student near the intersection of South Josephine Street and East Evans Avenue. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted paramedics because they were unable to wake the student. Upon being awoken, the student became combative and DPD was called to the scene. The student was transported to Porter Hospital by paramedics.

Tuesday, Feb. 25,

2014 at 9:59 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding damage to a university owned vehicle. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that while attempting to exit the vehicle, a gust of wind forced the door open in such a manner

that it broke the hinges and caused damage to the side of the vehicle.

Friday, Feb. 28, 2014 at

1:21 p.m. – DCS responded to a call from a faculty member regarding threats made towards a second faculty member. Upon arrival at the scene, officers spoke with the reporting staff member who stated that a student had made the threats.

Wednesday, March 5,

2014 at 2:49 a.m. – DCS responded to the Zeta Beta Tau house for a fire alarm. Upon arrival they met with the Denver Fire Depart-ment (DFD) and it was determined that the cause of the alarm was a dis-charged fire extinguisher in the basement.

Friday, March 7, 2014

at 1:51 a.m. – While con-ducting a routine patrol of Centennial Halls, officers observed a student spitting on the floor of a common area. Officers contacted the student and determined that they were too intoxi-cated to remain safely on campus. Denver Cares was unable to respond to the scene so the student was transported by the Denver Police Department (DPD) to Denver Cares.

Saturday, March 8,

2014 at 12:35 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regard-ing an unwanted party in Centennial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted an unaffiliated party who had gained entry to the building by

following students in. The party was in possession of stolen clothing that they had taken from a laundry room in the building. Officers called DPD who responded to the scene and called for paramedics. The unwanted party was trans-ported to Denver Health by paramedics.

Thursday, March 13, 2014 at 6:03 p.m. – DCS and the Denver Fire Depart-ment (DFD) responded to a call regarding a small vehicle fire in parking lot 311. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a student who stated that the fire occurred while they were attempting to jump start the battery in their personally owned vehicle. The fire had been extin-guished by the student.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

at 11:16 p.m. – While con-ducting a routine review of surveillance footage, a DCS officer observed a suspi-cious person at a bike rack near Centennial Towers attempting to break a bike lock. Officers responded to the scene and contacted the suspicious party, an unaffiliated male. Officers contacted DPD, who trans-ported the party in ques-tion to Denver County Jail.

Monday, March 17,

2014 at 11:17 p.m. – DCS responded to a call regard-ing a theft in Nagel Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers spoke with a stu-dent who stated that their laundry detergent had been taken from their room sometime between

03/13/14 and 03/17/14. Wednesday, March

26, 2014 at 9:00 a.m. – DCS took a report from a staff member regarding an animal bite that had occurred on campus on 3/25/14.

Thursday, April 3,

2014 at 12:43 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regard-ing the theft of food from a Sodexo retail outlet located in the Anderson Academic Commons. Upon arrival at the scene, officers spoke with a staff member who stated that they had witnessed the student reaching through a locked gate to take the food in question. Officers contacted the student who was apologetic and paid for the food.

Saturday, April 5,

2014 at 11:11 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding an unaffiliated party who had intention-ally damaged a water fountain in Sturm Hall. Officers responded to the scene and spoke with a second unaffiliated party who stated that the first unaffiliated party had become angry and dam-aged the fountain before departing the scene.

Saturday, April 5,

2014 at 1:34 a.m. – DCS and the Denver Fire Department (DFD) responded to a fire alarm at the Sigma Alpha Epsi-lon (SAE) house. Upon arrival at the scene, officers spoke with DFD personnel who stated that the cause of the alarm was a large amount of marijuana smoke in the

16

Resident LifeMay 19, 2014

building. Tuesday, April 8, 2014

at 6:35 a.m. – A Parking Enforcement Offi cer (PEO) fi led a report regarding a student who has accu-mulated over 35 parking violations since November 2013.

Tuesday, April 8,

2014 at 4:01 p.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding door locks that had been intentionally burned at the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity house. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that there were also burn marks inside the eleva-tor. The approximate cost to repair the damage to

the locks and elevator is $2,000.

Thursday, April 17,

2014 at 7:04 a.m. – DCS responded to a request for assistance from Parking Services who was apply-ing a parking boot to a vehicle in parking lot L. Upon arrival at the scene, officers observed alcohol inside of the vehicle in question and determined

that the vehicles owner was an underage student.

Saturday, April 19, 2014 at 1:15 a.m. – While on rou-tine patrol, a DCS officer noted the odor of marijuana emanating from a residential room in Centennial Halls. The officer was admitted to the room in question where they contacted one student who stated that they had a medical marijuana license and were unaware that they were not permitted to possess or use the drug on campus. The student relinquished possession of marijuana and paraphernalia.

Monday, May 5, 2014 at 12:06 p.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding the theft of a live turtle from the Nagel

Art Studios. Upon arrival at the scene, officers con-tacted a student who stated that they had left the turtle in an aquarium located in a non-secured room in the building on 5/1/14. When they returned to the space four days later, the turtle was missing.

Tuesday, May 6,

2014 at 12:13 p.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding the theft of a lighting fixture from Driscoll North. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that the fixture was last seen on 5/2/14 at approximately 11:00 p.m. A cursory review of surveillance video footage showed several suspects entering the build-ing and taking the fixture on 5/3/14 at approximately 1:40 a.m.

BEST CAMPUS CRIME REPORTS FROM 2013-2014, CONTINUED:

photo courtesy of en.wikipedia.org

A live turtle was reported missing on May 5.

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17

Resident Life May 19, 2014

Tweets from the USG debate from Wednesday, April 23

Casey: “We’re flexible and we want to work for you

Brown: “We love our traditions that we already have

Kellsie Brannen @kellsieadele22“We’re here to listen to students, but sometimes some Kellsie Brannen @kellsieadele22“We’re here to listen to students, but sometimes some Kellsie Brannen @kellsieadele22

voices get drowned out”- Brown #USGdebate14

Klostermeier: “Quite frequently the unpopular decision is the best one.” #USGdebate14Klostermeier: “Quite frequently the unpopular decision is the best one.” #USGdebate14Klostermeier: “Quite frequently the unpopular

Kellsie Brannen @kellsieadele22“Senators come up with what the student climate Kellsie Brannen @kellsieadele22“Senators come up with what the student climate Kellsie Brannen @kellsieadele22

wants, and we will put it in place, even of it’s not what “Senators come up with what the student climate wants, and we will put it in place, even of it’s not what “Senators come up with what the student climate

Brown: Safety on campus is both physical and mental; people should be free to express what they believe in. Brown: Safety on campus is both physical and mental; people should be free to express what they believe in. Brown: Safety on campus is both physical and mental;

that area and could have seen someone, they contact DPD or Campus Safety,” said Banet.

The crime is currently under investigation by DPD, and on campus the Title IX Department will be leading

The crime alert listed several actions students can take to help pre-vent a similar incident happening to them, including: walking in numbers, staying on well-lit paths, taking a Rape Aggression Defense (R.A.D.) course offered by Campus Safety and calling Campus Safety for an escort at 303-

After over a year of deliberations and interviews, DU has selected Psychol-ogy Chair and Professor Daniel McIntosh as the new dean of Arts, Humanities and Social Sciences, according to a campus-wide email written from Chancellor Robert Coombe and Provost Gregg Kvistad.

“Danny’s achievements at the Univer-sity, and the extraordinary level of trust he has among his faculty and staff colleagues, make him an excellent choice to lead this large, complex, and institutionally vital academic unit at the University of Denver,” said the email.

McIntosh, a DU alum, will start the position on July 1 of this year.

“I’m thrilled, I’m excited,” said McIn-tosh. “It’s a tremendous set of departments and people and students and staff.”

According to McIntosh, the search process started in the fall of 2013 when the application was initially sent out, followed by interviews in early January.

“The reason I applied for the job is that I love working with people in the divi-sions across the different departments,” said McIntosh. “I’m really excited and look forward to doing more of that.”

After a national search, four final candidates were chosen and interviewed in March and April; according to McIntosh, the rest of the candidates were from other

c t i o n S by gigi peccolo

Contributing Writer

The LAA program started two years ago, according to Kemp, and serves AHSS students in providing opportunities outside the classroom and special advising and career services preparation. This includes event series like the Courses to Careers series. LAA sent a similar survey last year, which received about 250 responses.

“Last year in spring quarter, we did basically the same assessment survey, and we’re using that as a benchmark to assess this year’s survey,” said Kemp. “The survey is almost identical so we can compare apples to apples and benchmark year one to year two.”

AHSS selects new dean

BEST WAY TO GET ONE’S EXERCISE:

Take a course in the MFJS building

If you’re looking for a good way to lose an inch from your Lulu Lemon waistline after the long winter series of high-cal-orie holidays, look no fur-ther than a frequent brisk walk to the MFJS build-ing. Located conveniently at the very, very South of campus near DeBoer park, it takes just 20 minutes or more to walk to this stun-ning Vietnam-era relic from essentially every other location on campus. It’s located next to the mechanical engineering school. Did you even know we had a mechanical engi-neering school?

What does all of this mean for you? Well, it means there is physically pretty much no way to get to class in the MFJS build-ing on time, especially if you have a class before it any-w h e r e else on c ampus . S t u r m ? G o o d l u c k . O l i n ? Y o u ’ l l still be late.

Unless, that is, you run.Or, depending on where

you’re coming from, unless you sprint.

The good news is, you will never need anyone to motivate you to exercise again—your professor’s strict “being on time” sec-tion of the syllabus will keep you moving all quarter long. Or, for a real doosey, just walk back from MFJS to the Ritchie center. Don’t actu-ally enter the Ritchie center, just walk there.

Even if you choose to upgrade to a bike to com-mute to this isolated part of campus, you’ll be getting a solid, brisk bike ride in at least twice a week, simply by taking a class that far south.

Make sure to enjoy the fresh air while you’re at it, because as soon as you’re inside the windowless build-ing, it won’t matter that the

sun is s h i n i n g or there’s a great p a r k r i g h t outside.

photo courtesy of wikipedia.org

BEST DORM IN NEED OF A FACELIFT:

Centennial HallsHalls. Sweet, innocent Halls. We’ll never forget your quaint

charms: the STI-riddled bean bag chairs in your lobby, your elevators that literally never work, your foul communal bathrooms, your tiny, mil-itary-style dormitory living and your endless, sleepless nights with 45 people crammed into a ten foot by ten foot room.

One of our favorite thing about Halls has to be the John F. Kennedy-era heating and cooling system. In the summer, Halls swelters to record heat waves, made all the worse by the stench of freshmen in their unwashed glory of newfound freedom.

The sweltering heat in Halls is worst right in September, during move-in. Have fun traversing those stairs while carrying your box full of bric-a-brac in 95 degree heat with no air condition-ing! the good news is that those who want to get a workout will get one by just trying to sleep. The sweat just melts the fat off.

The heat is also great in the winter. Halls residents appreciate the ice

and snow nagging at the windows while the ancient HVAC units churn and hiss while trying to bring the room up to above 60 degrees.

Another thing we love about Halls is the fact that as a half-century old building, its bathroom and shower facilities are woefully inadequate for the 21st century.

We hope all residents enjoy having 35 people to a floor where there are only 4 or 5 showers. It’s a guarantee that not all are functioning at the same time, either, so that reduces our numbers overall. The fact that Halls residents

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have to live in communal bathrooms may have been acceptable when DU and America were recovering from World War II, but today they seem wretchedly outdated and outmoded.

Halls, like Towers, Nelson and Nagel should get with the times and

adopt suite-style living. But at least every

floor has a lounge, right? Nope, every other floor has one. And those floors that do have lounges are wont to be raided by other floors; no floor has

the furniture that it started off the year with, and the couches are in need of a thorough spot cleaning from some mystery stains.

At least the views are nice, right? Yes, if you’re on the 10th Floor facing West or South, the views are pretty stellar.

Around Town

creatiVe commons image

Around Town May 19, 201420BEST NON-DU AFFILIATED WEBSITE:

What Should We DU?Whatshouldwedu.tumblr.com

If you haven’t heard of the “What Should We DU?” tumblr, your life is about to be changed.

What’s better than a blog complete with hilarious gifs that directly apply back to your own university?

Nothing really. Started back in 2012, the tumblr has been run by an anony-mous member of the DU community. Everyone has been laughing and sharing links with each other ever since.

Do you get lost in Sturm way too much and wonder

if everyone else has that same problem? News flash: We all do.

Or does your love for Flip Night at Illegal Pete’s cross from casual liking to obsession? All DU students share a variety of experiences, and WhatShouldWeDU

allows us to remember we are not alone--as Pioneers, we stand together in more than just a name.

Editor’s note: the images on whatshoudlwedu.tumblr.com are depicted as .GIF files; as a print publication, the reprinted images do not move.

all images courtest of whatshouldwedu.tumblr.com

Around TownMay 19, 2014

BEST APARTMENT COMPLEX TO TAKE ALL OF YOUR MONEY:

Vista Have a spare

$800 dollars a month? You should definitely check out Vista Apart-ments (owned by the same com-pany as Asbury Apartments) for a greatly expensive apartment lease. Located at 1920 S. University Blvd., Vista offers a vari-ety of unnecessary amenities and a price similar to the jacked up price of DU dorms.

Their post-ers up around campus pitch about being the best value around

campus, if you want access to a “fitness center” (two broken treadmills and some hand weights aren’t exactly great for working out much).

Your money will also be going to “24 hour maintenance.” The puke sitting out-side the front door begs to differ, as well as the perpetually broken side door up to the terrace. Ah, yes, but there is a terrace!

C o n s i d e r a b l y one of the better aspects of Vista, the terrace has a pool table, variety of tanning chairs and

couches, a golf put-ting area, barbecues and a fire pit, as well as an outside TV.

The tanning chairs would be a wonderful place to relax if there weren’t about a hundred rooms facing the ter-race, which makes the possibility of put-ting on a bathing suit and going out there inherently uncom-fortable and creepy.

As well as outside amenities available to all residents, the rooms offer the best appliances available. Due to the fact that your kitchen can only fit approximately two

people inside of it, the refrigerator, dish washer, oven and stove are all half size.

Because every-one wants to share a small refrigerator with their room-mates, right?

Right? Since money

was obviously going to the “37” LCD Flat Panel TV” in each apart-ment, it appears Vista couldn’t afford to put lights in any of the bed-rooms, requiring its residents to install their own floor lamps or Christmas lights to

BEST BAR TO AVOID UNDERAGE STUDENTS:Any bar in LoDo

There comes a time in every upperclassmen’s life when going to Merchant’s Mile High Saloon (let’s be honest, we all call it The Border) just doesn’t sound that fun anymore.

Evenings at 2014 S. University Blvd. usually end with some fresh-man high on life about their new fake ID as they spill their Long Island all over you, which gets old fast.

Even the good ol’ Stadium begins to lose its shine

after some under-age kiddos manage to weasel their way inside. Worry not, P i o s — d o w n t o w n Denver has come to the rescue.

This coming weekend, instead of heading to the poorly cleaned campus bars who don’t have the supplies to make a mojito, strut your way overtake the light rail down to Union Sta-tion.

Walk a few blocks southeast and you’ve hit Lodo, where the offerings are abound. Market Street is well-known for its alco-

21

actually be able to see anything past 7 p.m.

Each floor also offers two washing machines and two dryers, which would be totally great if they weren’t always broken or rejecting your credit card. It’s also the indi-vidual resident’s responsibility to call up the appli-ance company to report if some-thing is broken, if you have a spare hour to sit on hold and listen to elevator music.

holic offerings, rang-ing from the country western Cowboy Lounge to the classier Tavern Downtown.

Despite the removal from the DU campus, it is still possible to categorize the bars like the ones on campus. The Gin Mill—actually the Border for twenty-somethings.

Tired of all the other classy bars but still want one more drink and a place to dance? The Gin Mill has got your back (and the Long Islands are cheap too). Great

deals can be found at bars like the Cowboy Lounge: Free drinks for the ladies on Thursday evenings.

Win-win. Chloe is another excel-lent choice for any evening; from the elevated boxes to dance on reminiscent of your Vegas trip to the mini-chocolates by the bathroom sinks, your night can’t go wrong.

If your nights out tend to leave you feeling hungry, worry not. Scruffy Murphy’s and Brothers Bar and Grill both offer food to complement your

evening’s drinks. Also, there’s an

Illegal Pete’s a block away from the light-rail that stays open past the bars closing time, which allows for a nacho pick-me-up that can be enjoyed on the ride home. Of course, there are so many bars in the Lodo area that they can’t all be quantified in the word count.

All that matters is that if you need a break from the per-petually drunken stu-dents who wave about their fake IDs, your best bet is to move a bit off campus.

Around Town May 19, 2014

BEST CAMPUS HAPPY HOUR:

The Pioneer, 2401 S University Blvd

Can one ever say no to $3 margaritas while basking in the glorious Denver sunshine? No, probably not. Th e installation of the porch at the Pio could probably be considered the single best choice the restaurant owners could have made.

T h o u g h they obviously didn’t get their money’s worth over the long winter months, the coming of spring has seen the return of col-legiates looking to enjoy some post-

class beverages and grub with their friends while the sun is still out.

Th is spring quarter, mosey your way down to 2401 S. University Blvd to check out Th e Pioneer.

It’s close to the south side of campus, like Lamont and the Newman Center, the perfect aft er-party location for theater folks or those interested in DU’s music scene.

It’s pretty easily identifi able by its gigantic statue of ex-DU mascot Boone placed up on the porch.

Whether its for lunch, dinner or drinks, Th e Pio has some great off er-ings, especially in their happy hour which occurs seven days a week, twice a day. Th e double happy hours occur from 4 p.m. - 7 p.m. and again from 10 p.m. - 12 a.m.

Any budding senior will fi nd the hours of happiness advantageous, as it allows for post-class drinks as well as post-dinner. While there are food specials on Mon-days and Tuesdays (carne asada and pollo asado burritos respectively), the

true deals are pres-ent in the drinks: $2 d o m e s t i c draft s to $3 margar itas and wells to $4 wines.

T h e i r margar itas are just s t r o n g enough to taste the sweet, evil, g l o r i o u s tinge of tequila, and leave you feeling pretty relaxed.

The Pioneer, 2401 S University Blvd

Whether its for lunch, dinner or drinks, Th e Pio has some great off er-ings, especially in their happy hour which occurs seven days a week, twice a day. Th e double happy hours occur from 4 p.m. - 7 p.m. and again from 10

Any budding senior will fi nd the hours of happiness advantageous, as it allows for post-class drinks as well as post-dinner. While there are food specials on Mon-days and Tuesdays (carne asada and pollo asado burritos respectively), the

true deals are pres-ent in the drinks: $2 d o m e s t i c draft s to $3 margar itas and wells to

T h e i r margar itas are just s t r o n g enough to taste the sweet, evil, g l o r i o u s tinge of tequila, and leave you feeling pretty

BEST BAR WE’LL MISS:

Jordan’s Th e end of fall

quarter brought an end to all things wonderful 2363 E. Evans Ave. with the fall of Jordan’s Bistro and Pub.

Th e all-in-one restaurant moved away to some unreachable desti-nation in Denver, while the Pioneers of DU were left with a 7-Eleven.

What some believe to be the singular best thing to happen to the DU campus dis-appeared without a trace, leaving behind a group of students wonder-ing where to get their half-price wine, trivia and karaoke.

T h u r s d a y s would obviously be the best eve-ning for Jordan’s, packed to the brim with wine-appreci-ating co-eds.

What better way to blow off some steam aft er a long week than to get a half price glass (let’s be honest, half price bottle) of wine? Well, obviously, if you weren’t at all inclined towards drinking, you could still have a great time at Jordan’s for Saturday’s karaoke or Wednesday’s

“geek” trivia. Tues-days additionally off ered $10 for a pizza and a beer, which is a good deal for a broke college kid any way you kick it.

Jordan’s, you were the best of us, the best of the DU campus bars. A titan among men; a giant among dwarves.

No longer can students seek your Irish pub interior for a pint and free wifi for that essay that you can’t seem to fi nish without having a bit of “liquid inspiration” in your system.

Instead, we are left with the sticky floor of the Border, the over-priced C&G drinks, the dark-ness and bad decisions of the Stadium and the c o m p a r a t i v e l y long walks to the Pio or Boone’s.

Jordan’s, you will always be in our hearts.

We remem-ber your friendly bartenders and comfy booth seats replaced by convenience store lighting and aisles of unhealthy food. #NeverForget

gusto kubiak | clarion� is massive Boone statue sits atop the roo� op bar at � e Pio, a bar on the south side of campus.

22

Around TownMay 19, 2014

BEST PLACE TO STUDY:

Pete’s University Park Café,2345 East Evans Avenue, Denver, CO, 80210

What are the three things necessary for an all-day study ses-sion? Food, coff ee and free wifi . All three are available at 2345 E. Evans Ave, the residence for Pete’s Univer-sity Park Cafe.

Whether the cafe has custom-ers for a mid-morning brunch or their regulars for a nightcap, the restaurant is usually empty enough to get a seat next to an outlet to plug in your computer charger.

Th e back-ground music is typically the

top 40 played pretty soft ly, so if “Timber” or “Let It Go” annoy you, make sure to bring your own head-phones. Th e staff at Pete’s Cafe are all really friendly, espe-cially if you camp out there for the entirety of Sunday and order several meals while tipping generously.

While peak times at the cafe are usually Sunday mornings for family brunches, the aft ernoons clear up pretty quickly so you can nab that booth with one of the two electric outlets in the restaurant.

Your coff ee can typically end up last-ing you the majority of the day, with refi lls

BEST PLACE TO STUDY:

2345 East Evans Avenue, Denver, CO, 802102345 East Evans Avenue, Denver, CO, 802102345 East Evans Avenue, Denver, CO, 80210upon refi lls, but alcohol can also be purchased there to take the edge off that ten page paper.

All sorts of food can be bought at Pete’s, everything

from burgers to tra-ditional gyro meals to all day breakfast to decadent desserts like chocolate cake.

Th ere’s really nothing like that delicious, heaping

tower of pancakes and syrup at seven at night, nor is there anything like your teeth sinking into the hangover-killing egg scramble with bacon.

photo courtesy of petesrestaurants.com

23

by alex johnsonEditor Emeritus

The first Winter Car-nival was held in 1961, thus the 2014 event cel-ebrates its 53rd year as a part of campus culture.

Winter Carnival Legacy

Winter Carnival has evolved throughout half-century-and-change of its existence; its location has changed several times since the inaugural event. It has been held at Winter Park, Keystone and Steam-boat Springs, as well as Crested Butte.

In the 1980s, the event

was sponsored several times by the Budweiser Beer Com-pany, which meant that stu-dents and parties were oft en provided free kegs of 3.2 percent ABV beer, which was legal for people above the age of 18 to drink in Colorado at that time.

“Budweiser was our sponsor, and they served all

This article is re-printed in part from the Janaury 29, 2014 Clarion. The full article is available at http://duclarion.com/winter-carnival-snow-queens-bud/

Winter Carnival: From Snow Queens to Bud

the beer all the time. We had crazy amounts of beer and refreshments,” said David Th ompson, who graduated from DU in 1986.

Th ompson was part of the Winter Carnival orga-nizing committee in the 1980s and was president of the committee for two years. He attended every Winter Carnival from 1983-1986. His vision of the event was to bring as many people to the mountains as possible.

“I was … immersed in trying to get 1000 people to the slopes,” Th ompson said, adding that at that time, the event was almost entirely run by the students. ...

Thank you to everyone, in-cluding the Clarion staff and team, our fearless adviser, our printer, our distribution assistant and all those who made the Best of DU possible!