Logan: Heroes are born from the love of their kingdom. This was surely the case in ancient Geatland!  Land of warriors!  Mead!  And really smelly fish!  So, for the Champagne Player's entry for this Bardic event, the Champagne Players would like to present the epic poem, line by line, page for page, in the original Old English..BEOWULF!

Helena: (running in) Problem!!

Logan: Darling, can't this wait? The good people are expecting entertainment and didn't we have a bigger troupe??

Helena: That's the problem.  Remember the mead?

Logan: Yes, The rest of the troupe were bringing it down with them from Calontir..They said they would let us know when they arrived.... dare I ask... what happened?

Helena: Apparently they were caught and arrested as moon-shiners in somewhere north of here... they said they were eaten by a Small Grey Bear or something???  There was loud twnagy music playing too loud in the background and I couldn't quite make it out....

Logan: Well, We'll have to cancel the show!

Helena: WE WILL NOT CANCEL THE SHOW!!

Logan: Here we go again.

Helena: THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!!

Logan: How?

Helena: Oh, like I know!!

Logan: Ok. Change of plans. (go into a huddle. Hand gestures. Everyone agrees) And now, the Champagne Players would like to present BEOWULF, ABRIGED! In.. 5 minutes?

Helena: Oh boy!  

Logan: Beowulf, a young warrior from Geatland, hears that there's trouble afoot in King Hrothgars great hall, Herot.

Helena: Ah, there's trouble afoot in my great hall Herot.

Logan: What seems to be the matter?

Helena: Who are you?

Logan: I AM BEOWULF!!!

Helena: Who's that?

Logan: I'm GEEEEEEEEAT!!!

Helena: Why didn't you say so! There used to be treasure (Helena throws bag of loot at logan) Mead (Helena throws mead at Logan) and partying far into the night.

Logan/Helena: Yaaaa.

Helena: But now we're being attacked by Grendel. Who comes and eats everyone who sleeps here each night.

Logan: So, who's this Grendal?

Helena: Oh umm...  (runs off and puts on the hat) I'm Grendal!!!! Grrrr....Arrrr..

Logan: oh my god it's a horrible monster, ah!! (Grendel flips off hood) OH MY GOD IT'S A HORRIBLE MONSTER, AH!!

Helena: Hey!!!   Now you're dead and you're dead and you're dead. Now all the survivors wake up! I'm seeing a plot hole here.

Logan: Now Grendel we must fight to the death

Helena: Hey, Wait! What did I ever do to you?

Logan: Well, for one thing you're stepping on my stollen! And you keep on crashing our parties! You ate our food, you drank our ale and you killed my father. Prepare to die!

Helena: Killed your father?

Logan: Just go with it! Have at thee!

Helena: Lay on!

Helena and logan do ridiculous fight scene. Logan pulls off arm of Helena's dress.

Logan: Haha!!

Helena: Hold!! That wasn't the dress with the removable arm, you brute!!

Logan: Oh..um...sorry?  stick to the script!

Helena: Ahhh...Mommyy!!!

Logan: Winner Beowulf! (reading card)  Arming... Grendal's Mom??!!

Helena: (as Hrothgar) You killed Grendel! There shall be a huge party! And for your reward you shall have treasure!(helena throws loot at Logan) Mead! And women! (Takes off hat) Oh Beowulf!

Logan: Now your speaking Olde English!

Helena: And after a mighty night of partying they all slept.

Logan: But I'm not tired....

Helena hits him over the head with loot.

Helena: Sleeeeeeeep....(puts rose in hair) But unbeknowst to them Grendal's mother came that night..(Waits for audience to make noises???) Stop it! This isn't the adult show!! and killed Hrothgar's most trusted warrior as revenge. HA! Take that! (hits biggest guy near with foam sword)  Oh..sorry! Sorrry! (runs away)

Logan: (wakes) What was that?

Helena: (as Hrothgar) To arms! We've been attacked in the night! Grendal's mother has killed my most trusted warrior..Aeshear, I loved him above all men! I loved him more than I loved my son! The only warrior I could count on! The only real man around here!

Logan: I'm standing right here

Helena: I'm surrounded by women and boys! We are doomed!

Logan: Still right here.

Helena: Oh won't some strong warrior avenge his death?

Logan: Killed that Grendel. Still standing.

Helena: Somebody send for Beowulf.

Logan: I'm Right HERE!!

Helena: (looks down) Oh! I didn't see you down there.

Logan: HEY!!

Helena: If you kill Grendal's mom you will get..

Logan: Oh not again

Helena: TREASURE (helena throws treasure at him) Mead! (Helena throws Mead on him)

Logan: Was that the chamber pot?

Helena: And women...later. After you've bathed

Logan: Hey!! Alright lets do this. But first I must put my affairs in order..Ahhh... for this part, we need a brave member from the audience!!  Let's hear it for...??  Ahhh, Unfert.  My beloved cousin!  If I should perish this night, Unfert here gets all my treasure..(throws bag at him) all my mead (throws mug of confetti on person) and all my.....that's it. That's everything.  A round of applause for brave... ???

Helena: Beowulf!  Your mission, should you choose to accept, and it appears you will since you're wearing your lucky underwear... You must swim to the bottom of the eerie lake to defeat Grendel's mom. Here, take this.

Logan: Oh shiny! Is it magic?

Helena: Ya sure!! Bye Bye!! (pushes him towards Helena who splashes him with water)

Logan: There better be more women after this. ('swims' to cave, Helena changes to G's Mom) MORTAL KOMBAT!! FIGHT!! (Logan sings Mortal Kombat song, mimes fighting) 

Helena: Light! Do I know you? Flat! Do you live in the lake down the way. Light! Are you Grendel's principal?

Logan: DIE YOU MONSTER!!!

Helena: No really. Who are you?

Logan: I AM BEOWULF!!

Helena: How Geat for you.

Logan: I killed your son! Prepare to die!

Helena: you what!! (GRABS SWORD FROM HIM AN TOSSES IT)

Logan: Oh...um...Hey, that's a nice sword. Can I look at that?

Helena: Oh sure! I got it off a knight with a googly eyed coronet... (fight continues)

Logan: Finish him!

Helena: Alas, I am slain.

Helena: And there was yet another huge party! There was treasure (throws loot) (Logan backs

up) There was mead( Logan ducks but the bucket is empty.)

Logan: Ha ha!!

Helena: And there was another party!

Logan: And another party!

Helena: And another party!

Logan: And another party!

Saphira: And then Beowulf becomes king.

Logan: And there was another party!!

Helena: And another party....

Logan:  And... another.. party...

Helena: And then Beowulf was old.

Logan: WHAT!!!

Helena: An old, infirm, gout ridden, incontinent man.

Logan: hey!!

Helena: With false teeth. Beowulf Seam ripper.

Logan: You still have another sleeve.

Helena: And in his in kingdom a dragon was awoke and once more Beowulf was called upon to be a mighty hero. Good luck with that. (slams on dragon hat) Bring it on, shorty!

Logan: (draws tiny dagger) 

Helena: Well this seems familiar.

Logan: HEY!

Helena: Seriously. You're going to cut me in half with a dagger?

Logan: Yes I am. (Puts hand on HUGE GUYS shoulder) Let me introduce my friend. I call him Dagger.

Helena: I yield!!!

Logan: But Beowulf is fatally wounded.  Wait, I am?

Helena: HAHA!! (hits him with his own sword. Logan falls down)

Saphira: So they bury him with treasure(tosses treasure on him) they keep the mead and the women have a party.

Helena: Yaaaaa.

Helena/Logan: The end!

Logan: Thank you everybody! Come see us at War of the Lillies for our version of Taming of the shrew, and our annual Adult Show!!  Goodnight!!!