deborah gilboa, md the power of failure how great adults let kids fail @askdocg @askdoctorg...

Deborah Gilboa, MDwww.AskDrG.com

THE POWEROF FAILURE

How Great Adults Let Kids Fail @AskDocG

@AskDoctorG

#WAICtikicon

If you could wave a magic wand...

What do you want

kids to learn?

hap·pi·ness:noun

good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy

INGREDIENTS:1.Confidence2.Competence3.Relationships

Wait…

You DO have a magic wand!

CAMP

WHAT DO THEY LEARN AT CAMP?• Get in the water• Get on stage• Touch nature• Meet someone new• Answer questions

about themselves• Ask about others• Be honest• Try something new• Climb something

• Go where they’ve never been

• Read a map• Make fire• Cook something• Write a skit• Teach a lesson• Learn a lesson• ___________

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIESThe Myth:“Getting involved

will make us both feel better!”

The Truth:Stepping back

helps kids become adults.

7

WHY WOULD WE LET THEM TRY?

Proves independenceLeads to competence

Builds relationshipTeaches

resilience.

STATS

• Sallie Mae study of undergrads: average credit card balance is $3,173

• US Census Bureau: 2010 adults age 25-34 living at home ↑26% to 5.9mil

• >2/3 parents give their adult children $$$ support (doubled in 20 yrs)

SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013

“Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of

depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on

college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived

violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and

competence.”

THE COST

WHAT CAMPS KNOWChildhood is for learning:• Independence• Competence• How to build relationships

Stepping back a little strengthens kids.Independence →RESILIENCE

But why, exactly?

Love• Empathy• Helpfulness• Greater resources• Experience• Habit• Genuine enjoyment

Fear• Responsibility• Overwhelming• Deteriorating• Future

consequences• Risking the

relationship

GUILT.

RESILIENCE CHALLENGES

Mistakes Accidents Pain Social consequences Judgment from other parents Haters 11:00 News…

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBERAdult involvement supports•Safety•Growth•Learning

Adult intervention harms •Confidence•Competence•Relationships

GUIDE THEIR PLAN

• Let life teach the lesson!• Praise the process.• Play “What if?”• Read a book or watch a show.• What would you tell a friend?• MISSION STATEMENT/CONTRACT

“I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”

PARENT PARTNERING• Focus on the child

• Favorite song? Their child’s name!

• What do you know? What do you like?

• GOAL SHARING!• Recognize the parent

as that child’s expert• Share

decision-making

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