TThehe CCenturionenturionThe week of April 1, 2008 www.bucks-news.com Volume: 43 Issue:12

INSIDE

WEATHER

All the yellow journalism--about Bucks--that’s fit to print.

SPORTS

WEATHER COURTESY OF THENATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.

“It’s

gonnarain!“-

Ollie Williams,Family Guy

N SmokingBY KRISTIN CALCIANOEntertainment Editor

Bucks students have beenhearing rumors of a smokingban. And although some are for aban, and others vehementlyagainst, the Student GovernmentAssociation spoke before theBoard of Trustees lastWednesday and a full-campusban has officially been enactedeffective immediately.

No student or faculty memberwill be permitted to smoke any-where on Bucks campus. MattCipriano, director of student lifesaid, “It’s just our way of tryingto promote a healthy lifestyle forevery student on our campus.”

All ashtrays will be taken awayand signs are already being post-ed telling students that smokingis prohibited. Any studentcaught smoking on campus willbe fined $75, and any studentcaught throwing cigarette buttson the ground will be fined $25.

Since many Bucks students aresmokers, there is a very negativereaction coming from a majorityof students.

Mike Nussbaum, 23, a businessmajor from Wrightstown said, “Ithink it’s crap. Students are thepeople paying the staff’s salary,we should have a say in whethersmoking is banned or not.”

Another student, JustinGoldberg, 20, from Newtownsaid, “I don’t think it will go overthat easily, I can see students def-initely protesting a smoking banon campus.”

The non-smoking students oncampus had a different perspec-tive on the ban. Alissa Roth, 20,a political science major fromYardley said, “I’m kind ofrelieved. I hate not being able towalk around campus when theweather is nice and having towalk through clouds of smoke.”

The smoking ban is a result ofa survey that was sent out to allfaculty and staff about a month

ago. They were asked to givetheir opinion on the reasons whyor why not the smoking banshould go into effect. This is verydisconcerting to the students,because they are feeling like theydid not have a say at all.

Nussbaum said, “To not have asay at all when I pay to go toschool here is ridiculous and it’snot fair to anyone who smokesand pays to take classes here.”

Goldberg said, “How can theyjust say ‘no smoking’ just likethat without even giving us a fairwarning or asking for students’opinions? That’s just outra-geous.”

Students are asked to be coop-erative as this is just a way topromote students’ health andwelfare while they go to schoolhere at Bucks.

Bucks bans smoking on all campusesand some students are freaking out.

SMOKERS CAN NO LONGER GATHER ON CAMPUS.

PHOTO BY SOMEONE WHO WORKS HERE

Tyler Hall gets some extra protectionBY STEVEN LAWSONCenturion Expert on Aligators

Construction started on March26 to construct a moat aroundTyler Hall to protect the buildingfrom intruders.

When you hear digging oncampus remember that a largemoat is being dug around themansion that sits on the far sideof the Newtown campus. Thereason for the medieval-styleprotection is unknown, butrumors are saying a new DefenseAgainst the Dark Arts professorordered it.

Bucks President Dr. JamesLinksz said, “Our building needsprotection and the Board ofTrustees have come to the con-clusion that a moat and a drawbridge is the most financiallysound idea that we have comeup with.”

Some believe the reason for themoat is because the recent rise intuition costs have sent mobs ofangry centurions to the StudentAccount Office located insideTyler hall.

Students are in an uproarbecause they are wondering whytheir tuition, which has been

raised in recent years, is going tobe used to build an inferior formof protection. Erinda Bajo, a psy-chology major, asked, “Why arethey building a moat when thereare obviously other problems oncampus. Have you seen the pot-holes?”

The moat will be equippedwith a draw bridge and also twolarge alligators to guard the moatand deter people from jumpingin and swimming over to thebuilding. Thealligators weredonated by theF l o r i d aConservationof WildlifeCommiss ionand are beingflown in tooccupy theirnew home.

There willalso be a heat-ed pen for thea l l i g a t o r sinstalled sothat they cansurvive thew i n t e rm o n t h s .

During that time, there will betrained archers posted aroundthe moat to take the place of thesecurity the alligators offer.

Another question has beenasked by the student body.Stephanie Tholey, journalismmajor asked, “If the administra-tive building needs a moat toprotect them, where is ourmoat?”

With the recent violence atschools, the students believe that

the campus should be protectedand they shouldn’t have to fendfor themselves if a situationshould arise. There is no reasonwhy the students should be leftout in the cold and unprotected.

Construction will not be fin-ished until the end of the springsemester, but the board is hope-ful that students will see that theconstruction is beneficial andwon’t be upset.

Is football in

Bucks’ future?SPORTS PAGE 11

Phil Coles is a hot-

tieSPORTS PAGE 12

A new professor

comes to BucksNEWS PAGE 2

Obama-McCain

connectionPOLITICAL NEWS PAGE 3

Mountain Dew to

blame for student

deathSTUDENT LIFE PAGE 4

Campus break

gets a new nameSTUDENT LIFE PAGE 6

Mark Grisi res-

cued from elevatorENTERTAINMENT PAGE 8

A Modern

Hypocrisy Vs. A

Piece of My MindOP/ED PAGE 10

BY MARK BENNETT

The No. 3 Guy

Tyler State Park, an iconicview for the Newtown cam-pus, a place where studentscan go to enjoy the splendidsimplicity of nature, is nomore.

Plans have been released

and made public that thebeloved Tyler State Park hasbeen purchased by aPennsylvania mining compa-ny and is going to be cutdown and turned into a coalmine. One year ago geologistswere sent to the park to see ifit had any commercial orindustrial potential, and

unfortunately they foundcoal.

It is estimated that the coalvein that runs through thepark is the largest coaldeposit in PA and apparentlythat money was too good forthe township to pass up. Thedestruction of the forest isscheduled to begin in the nextfew weeks, and already tree-hugging hippies have begunto chain themselves to thetrees and chant Bob Marley’s“Three Little Birds.”

One of the individuals whohad duct-taped himself to atree and only identified him-self as Little Foot was veryupset about the forest. “Wecan’t let them cut down theforest, man. God made theforest for the animals to livein and stuff, where are theygoing to live… maaaan?”

In addition to people tyingthemselves to trees a numberof drum circles, once thoughtto be extinct, have appearedthroughout Tyler State Parkin foggy areas that usually

aren’t foggy.The local police are also

preparing to flush out theprotesters scattered through-out the park. “We have riotgear on standby and my fel-low officers are ready to cracksome skulls,” said OfficerAlex Barbrady, who is incharge of handling the poten-tial riot. In addition to teargas, rubber bullets and policedogs Barbrady said many ofthe officers are looking for-ward to using fire-hoses onthe protesters. “Those dirtyhippies could use a bath,” hesaid.

Even though the flowerchildren have fortified them-selves for a last stand, the sur-veyors and lumberjacks don’tseemed very worried aboutthe possible complicationsthat may occur. “The saws cutthrough the trees easyenough, I’m sure they won’thave much trouble goingthrough the hippies either,”said a grisly forester namedThree-Fingered Pete.

Some people are outragedthat the campus would nottake action to prevent a coalmine from opening so close tothe campus. Chainsaws, treesfalling, heavy machinery,fleeing animals, outragedhippies and other loud noiseswould be rather distractingfor any student attempting tolearn. However, the coal minehas offered the college $2.8million a year to put up withthe distractions.

Most students have noteven noticed the machinerygathering in the parking lotsof Tyler Park or the orangespray paint marking whichtrees are getting cut downfirst. However, very soon stu-dents will hear the distinctsounds of chainsaws, hippiesscreaming and the lumber-jack’s cries of “TIMBER!”

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News2 Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Bucks County Community College’s Student Newspaper

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Bucks gets new dark arts profBY LAURA IRWINThe Boss-Lady

It’s taken a long time forBucks to recover from theunexpected tragedies thatrocked the campus after itwas discovered that formerDefense Against the DarkArts Professor Terry Quinnwas working for he-who-must-not-be-named.

Now, only six months sinceDr. James Linksz, Bucks pres-ident, shut down the pro-gram, a new professor yearnsto take Quinn’s place.

Dr. Adriane Foley, a formerCIA operative, has been seenon campus getting a sense ofthe students and determiningthe extent of security.

“You can never be too care-ful,” said Foley. “I havealready implemented the con-struction of a moat aroundTyler Hall. What I want is forstudents to gain a construc-

tive form of self-defense tothe external forces that aim toharm them. We always haveto be on the lookout.”

Foley was involved in thecapture of Quinn when heturned on students using theImperious Curse to controltheir minds and bodies, most-ly those in the house ofGryffindor. He is now inhigh-security lockup inAzkaban.

Linkz said that the rein-statement of Defense Againstthe Dark Arts classes havenot yet been approved by thesages on the Board ofTrustees, but added that it islikely the class will be offeredin the fall semester.

“I don’t see any issues thatwill prevent this class frombeing reinstated,” he said.

The curriculum is set toinclude zombie awareness,werewolf defense tactics andherbal remedies to dissuade

vampires, to name a few.Foley said he has extensive

history in the field of DarkArts prevention, but herefused to comment onspecifics citing CIA regula-tions.

Linksz, however, said thatFoley’s reputation proceedshim, and that most of hisaccomplishments in the fieldare well-known among col-leagues. “Although it is tech-nically speculation, there arestories that Foley is responsi-ble, single-handedly, for thecapture of many dangerousand harmful creatures such asBogarts, dementors and blast-ended skrewts.”

Students said they simplywant to avoid a repeat ofrecent tragedies.

“I remember CedricDiggory’s death,” said stu-dent Harriet Potter. “It wasuntimely and horrifying. Tothink a Bucks student could

walk into TylerPark and nevercome out. I [go intothe park] all thetime and I neverthink that there’ssomething lurkingin the shadows, orhunting my mortalbeing.”

Linksz denies anythreats that couldstill exist in thewoods. “It’s just notgoing to happenagain.”

Foley has beenseen on campusdressed as a physi-cal plant workercasting charms andjinxes across cam-pus. Students canonly wait to see ifthe charms andnew class will keepBucks’ predators atbay.

Tyler Park to be stripped for coal

Continued on, oh never-

mind, your not gonna

read the rest anyway!

PHOTOBYEMMAROGERS

BY ANDREW HESS

Centurion Worshipper

Hillary Clinton has

been busted for running a

cock-fighting ring out of

an office she has in

Washington, D.C. this

past weekend. Clinton is suspected to

have been running these

illegal events for over the

past year or so. She has

been hosting cock-fights

to help raise money for

her campaign. She is also

reported to have gambled

on these fights on several

occasions. Barack Obama, her

opponent for the

Democratic nomination,

has already been quoted

as saying, “This is not

acceptable nor anything

we should overlook as a

country during this time.

It would have been much

cooler if she was fighting

pit bulls.”This will surely have an

effect on voters and ani-

mal lovers alike.

Supporters of Clinton are

aware that what she has

done is immoral and

inhumane; yet still stand

by her side during this

crisis in her campaign.

Animal abuse protesters

have already rallied and

convened to make their

voice heard.Protesters held signs

and cried out that

Clinton’s actions were

animal abuse and she

should be pros-ecuted forwhat she hasd o n e .Although alle-gations havebeen made, it isu n c l e a rwhether or notshe will be con-victed.

“She wasdoing it for hercampaign, notfor side cash. Itwas completelyj u s t i f i a b l e , ”one Clintons u p p o r t e dexclaimed.

Actor JackNicholson, asupporter ofClinton, said ata press confer-ence, “It’s areal shame asto what is tak-ing place here.I lost a lot ofmoney onthose fights Iwill probablynever getback.”

In a speechy e s t e r d a y ,

President George W.

Bush touched slightly on

the topic, between serious

discussion of cattle and

the Dallas Cowboys’

upcoming 2008 season.

“Now I believe Clinton is

trying to tell us some-

thing’ here,” Bush said.

“She’s saying, ‘Barack

Obama, John McCain,

Brad Pitt…I’m gonna

peck your eyes out if you

get too close to me.”

Bush also extended an

invitation to Clinton for

some BBQ and further

discussion of his interest

in hunting small game

and his thoughts on ani-

mal cruelty. “My ranch, lunch,

tomorrow,” Bush con-

cluded. “Maybe we can

hunt quail too.”It’s not clear as to where

Bush or the GOP stand on

this issue. It is obvious

that the American people

are disturbed by the cruel

and selfish crime Clinton

has committed. Surely

the GOP will use this to

their advantage to mud-

sling the Democrats. It is

uncertain whether or not

Obama will suffer from

Clinton’s actions.

3Political MewsTuesday, April 1, 2008

McCain to Obama: I am your fatherBY JOHN SKUDRIS

Political Afficionado

In a shocking announce-ment, Arizona Sen. JohnMcCain and Illinois Sen.Barack Obama apparentlyhave more in common thanjust their presidential aspira-tions. They’re father and son!

McCain announced his rela-tionship at a joint press con-ference earlier this week.“This revelation brings tearsto my eyes. To find out thatmy own flesh and bloodcould actually have a person-ality that doesn’t make peo-ple fall asleep. It’s breathtak-ing.”

Obama was just as shockedas his father. “I am as sur-prised as anyone. But thehope that this realizationinstills in me makes me asproud as can be. McCain…Imean, Dad, and I disagree ona lot of the issues, but we willalways be connected throughthis bond.”

The news first broke earlierthis week in Philadelphia,where Obama was rallyingsupporters for the April 22Pennsylvania primary. It wasrevealed that McCain metObama’s mother shortly aftergraduating from flight schoolin 1960. The two fell deeply inlove, but McCain was forcedto leave for the Vietnam Warwithout saying goodbye, andwithout ever finding out thatshe was pregnant withBarack. She shortly thereafterremarried, and never told herson of her brief encounterwith McCain.

When asked what Obamawould do if he had to face offagainst McCain in the generalelection, the 46-year-oldresponded, “It would be thefirst time that a father and sonfaced off against each other ina presidential election. It real-ly is tremendous that twomen from opposite sides ofthe political and

eetthhnniicc ssppeeccttrruumm ccaann ttrruullyybbee uunniitteedd aass ffaammiillyy.. IItt jjuussttffiillllss mmee wwiitthh ssoo mmuucchh hhooppee,,ssoo mmuucchh hhooppee aanndd ssoo mmaannyyddrreeaammss.. IItt pprroovveess tthhaatt wweettrruullyy aarree oonnee AAmmeerriiccaa wwiitthhhhooppee aanndd ddrreeaammss aanndd ssoommeemmoorree hhooppee.”

“My friends, this is a timefor celebration. A time forthose who believe in hopeand even those who believethat hope is a platitude torejoice,” said a smilingMcCain. The two hugged andeven appeared to shed tearsduring the press conference.However, some aren’t cele-brating the recent familyreunion.

“This is an outrage! We allthought that John McCainwas already a closetDemocrat, and now he hasactually fathered someonewhose middle name isHussein!” said conservativetalk show host RushLimbaugh.

“This is the last straw,ladies and gentlemen. Notonly is John McCain a liberaland closet Democrat, butafter hearing this I’m surehe’s working with Al Qaeda.He is actually accepting thathis son is Barack Obama. If Iwere him, I’d go on Springerand demand a DNA test.”

Another person notimpressed by the revelationwas New York Sen. HillaryClinton, who is battling withObama for the Democraticnomination. “This is justmore proof that we don’tknow where Sen. Obamastands. First he’s against JohnMcCain, and now he’s hug-ging him and showing sup-port for him. I don’t believewe can elect a man thatwould jump from ship to shiplike that. Shame on you,Barack Obama!”

Obama attempted to quietthe critics last night with aspeech in front of a packedaudience in Pittsburgh.

“Martin Luther Kingbelieved that all Gods’ chil-dren were created equally.He dreamed that we could allone day live in harmonytogether. That dream is whatmy father and I are fulfilling.Only in this great country wecall America could two differ-ent people unite with the lovethat only a father and son canshare. I believe that if we canrealize this dream and getpast the partisan hatred, thanthe American people can aswell.”

Clinton busted for cockfighting, gambling

CHELSEA II IS A 2-YEAR-OLD RESCUED COCKFIGHTER FOR THE HILARY CAMPAIGN

PHOTO BY A CREDITABLESOURCE

4 Tuesday, April 1, 2008Student Strife

Student dead, popular soda to blameBY TOM ROWANAvid Soda Drinker

The caffeine-and-sugardominated soft drinkMountain Dew is believed tobe the cause of a procrastinat-ing college student’s heartattack late last night, policesaid.

Jimmy Jillicker, 20, wasfound in his parent’s subur-ban basement clutching hisheart with one hand and aplastic green bottle in theother.

“He said he had two teststomorrow,” said Jillicker’smother. “He said he couldhandle the dew.”

Jillicker was in his secondsemester at Bucks. He was acommunications major strug-gling to maintain his 3.1 GPA.Today Jillicker had anIntroduction to Theater andAmerican Literature exam, aswell as a research paper duefor his Health and Wellnessclass.

“He usually just sips on cof-fee or tea,” said Jillicker’s sis-ter Judy, “But he felt he need-ed that extra kick.”

And that’s exactly what he

got. Jillicker went to the ACME

supermarket in Newtownaround 9 p.m. last night,police said, and purchased

three 2-Liter bottles ofMountain Dew. Out of thethree bottles only one had thedew left and it was only aquarter full.

“The Dewski was just toomuch for him,” said closefriend Cherry Forman. “Hewas too young to do thatmuch dew.”

An autopsy will be per-formed to attempt to solvethis tragic mystery.

Missing teacher covered uncovered during digBY MIKE FRAIOLICenturion Jedi

Bucks Physical Plant has beenworking long, hard hours duringthe semester to improve the cam-pus, but last week they discoveredsomething no one expected.

Staffers were working on thereconstruction of the Financial Aidwing in lower Rollins when theyunearthed a the mummy of ateacher who went missing in 1967.

The body was identified throughdental records as Bucks professorThomas Sullen.

He was reportedly an amiableand enthusiastic Peace and Loveteacher; everyone enjoyed his classand there was always great feed-back from the students.

But, police suspect that a formerstudent may be responsible for hisdeath.

John C. Homeside was rumoredto have been anticipating an A inthe professor’s class, but schooldocuments show he received a C.

Many students suspected thatHomeside set the professor up at aphony sit-in protesting the inhu-mane treatment of campus grassand weeds, citing the violence per-petrated upon them by lawnmow-ers.

Sullen was known for his dedica-tion to sit-ins and would not moveuntil something was done.

After more than four decades,Sullen’s family is grateful to finallyhave his remains for burial.

“I am glad to have him back,”said son Jeremy Sullen. “Now wecan bury him and he can finallyend his last sit-in..”

An autopsy is underway andservices will be announced later inthe week.

PHOTO BY CAMERAN TAKER

Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday

1 Bucks Baseball

Home Game

vs. Delaware

2 Read the

Centurion

Newspaper!

3 Men’s Baseball

vs. Camden 3:30

p.m. (away)

4 Aquatics Fitness

Instructor Classes

from 5-9 p.m.

5 Bucks Tennis

vs. Central Penn

1pm (home)

6 Bucks

CountyHigh

School Art

Exhibition,thru

April 12

7 Art Exhibition 8 Social Science

club trip: Ben

Franklin Bridge:Up

and Over

9 Men’s Baseball

vs. Northamption

2pm (away)

10 Bucks’ book

group discusses

Finn: A novel by

John Clinch

11 Jimmy Bruno

Jazz concer

8pm/Proffessor

Freeman reads

from latest book

12 Bucks Tennis

vs. Philadelphia

1pm (away)

13 See the movie

“Street Kings” star-

ring Forrest

Whitaker and

Keanu Reeves

14 Jobs: Getting

Your Foot in the

Door Workshop

11a.m.-12p.m.

15 Social Science

club trip: Isiah

Zagar and the

Magic Garden

16 Lower Bucks

campus evening

transfer fair 5-6:30

p.m.

17 Counseling

Workshops: How

to be successful at

Bucks 11a.m.-

12p.m.

18 Social Science

club trip: Frida

Kahlo exhibition at

Phila. Art Museum

19 Men’s Baseball

vs. Delaware 12

noon (away)

20 Random sobri-

ety checkpoints

scheduled all over

Bucks County

21 Team Tennis

Bucks vs. Central

Penn 3 p.m.

(away)

22 Foreign Film

“Cache” 7p.m.

Library Auditorium

23 MLB: Phillies

vs. Milwauke

Brewers 8:05 p.m.

(away)

24 Men’s

Baseaball vs.

Lackawanna 1:30

p.m. (home)

25 American Red

Cross Lifeguard

Training from 6-9

p.m.

26 The NFL holds

its annual colle-

giate draft E-A-G-

L-E-S!

27 See the movie

Harold and Kumar

Escape from

Guantanamo Bay

28 Watch 2 hours

of Family Guy on

TBS 8-10 p.m.

29 Men’s Baseball

Bucks vs. Lehigh-

Carbon 2 p.m.

(home)

30 MLB Phillies

vs. San Diego

Padres 7:05 p.m.

(home)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 To Do 15

April Calendar of Events

"CROSSWORD PUZZLES PROVIDED BY BESTCROSSWORDS.COM (HTTP://WWW.BESTCROSSWORDS.COM). USED WITHPERMISSION."

Across

1- Grave; 5- Slanted; 10- Petty quarrel; 14- Affirm with confidence; 15- Extent;16- Human bone, located in the arm; 17- "Strange" introduction; 18- Welcome;19- Cave dwellers; 20- Floods; 22- ___ Park, Colorado; 23- Wood: prefix; 24-Canvas shelter used on camping trips; 26- Needlefish; 29- Melody; 31- Mite; 35-Accumulate; 37- Little devils; 39- Western pact; 40- Killer whale; 41- Put off, asan agenda item; 42- With "up," to silence oneself; 43- Word that can succeeddance, foot and door; 44- Sheltered, nautically; 45- Pretty girl; 46- Toothdeposit; 48- Talk irrationally; 50- 10th letter of the Hebrew alphabet; 51-Nabisco cookie; 53- Ooze; 55- Begin; 58- Temporary; 63- Positions; 64- Feeblepeevish complaint; 65- Prevaricator; 66- Sigmund's daughter; 67- Therefore;68- Bear up there; 69- Rind; 70- Command; 71- Thin stratum;

Down

1- Cab; 2- Baking chamber; 3- List from which to choose; 4- Borough of NewYork City; 5- Wild sheep of Asia; 6- Pertaining to tailors; 7- Human leg joint; 8-Discharge; 9- Rainy, say; 10- Physical matter; 11- Land map; 12- Poker stake;13- Soviet news service; 21- Group of two; 22- SASE, e.g.; 25- Relaxation; 26-Wraith; 27- Large artery; 28- One on track?; 30- Cinder; 32- Inspire anew; 33-Writer Calvino; 34- Like some stadiums; 36- Predatory; 38- Pleasure garden;41- Shipping deduction; 45- Apians; 47- Illustrative craft; 49- Thin layer ofwood; 52- Alternate; 54- Hairlike structure; 55- Smack; 56- Accent; 57- Skineruption; 59- Outer covering; 60- The Emerald Isle; 61- Mission control gp.; 62-Streetcar; 64- "Tommy" band;

1 8 2 5

4 7 1

5 4

8 4 5

2 4 3 6 9

7 9 8

4 2

9 8 4

6 7 1 8

J PLAY XJGY JBZ’W V NJF

CLUY, NYRVMBY J SLZ’W

FYW JW.

-CVRU PVZSYO

Student Life6 Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Someone remember to put a headline hereBY KRISTIN CALCIANOThe Webcast Girl

Well, Bucks students, nomore sitting around studyingduring campus break; it’stime for recess! In a recentvote taken by all faculty andstaff at Bucks, there will be anew playground installed inthe quad for the fall semester.

That’s right, instead ofinstalling picnic tables as aplace for students to restbetween classes, Student Lifehas decided to build a play-ground for students, com-plete with a swirly slide, ropeswing, swing set, see-sawsand monkey bars.

When asked why the staff

would invest in playtimeinstead of a practical use forthe grassy area studentsknow as the quad, StudentLife Assistant John Shapleysaid, “We thought it wouldbe better for the students tohave a place where they canjust let loose after a hard dayof attending classes. What

better way than a play-ground!”

Apparently, the staff hereat Bucks feels that studentsshould be able to have a placewhere they can revisit theirinner child. Instead of theterm, “campus break,” thestaff wishes to refer to thetime lapse between morning

and afternoonclasses as “recess.”

Shapley said, “ Ithink that callingcampus break‘recess’ will makestudents feel moreat home here atBucks. It will helpto alleviate someof the stress of dif-ficult classes andtough teachers.”

Shapley believesthat putting in aplayground is afabulous way togive back to thehard-working stu-dents at Bucks,and thinks it willbe greatly appreci-ated.

The playgroundis set to beinstalled sometimeduring the sum-mer, and should beready for use at the

start of the fall 2008 semester. When asked if the idea of a

playground was appropriate,Jeff Hower, 20, a film majorsaid, “I think it’s an awesomeidea! Anyone who says theywouldn’t want to have a play-ground on campus is a liar.Everyone would play on it atleast once.”

Some students are opposedto the idea. Sherry Baker, 19,a history major said, “It’s stu-pid! What kind of collegestaff wastes money on a play-ground? Shouldn’t we be get-ting more computers for stu-dents, or better parking?”

Even though there is somenegative feedback from stu-dents over why the staffwould install a playground sostudents can frolic about likeElementary school children,Shapely remains optimistic.“I believe that in the end, thestudents will appreciate whatwe are trying to do for them.They may act like they are toocool for a playground, but Iknow that most of them willuse it when it’s there in frontof them. Who could resist?”

People will soon see whatpeople really think abouthaving their own personalplay area on campus.Students will no longer haveto sit it out and wait for after-noon classes to start, they cango to recess!

Godzilla attacks Tokyo, subtitles providedBY ANNAS MIRZAAngry Centurion Corespondant

TOKYO -- After what manythought to be an earthquake,the citizens of Tokyo wereunsurprised to see their citydestroyed when Godzillaattacked for the first time in thenew millennium.

Buildings were reduced torubble in the attack by theTokyo monster. From thedance clubs of Roppongi, tothe beautiful waiting dog ofShibuya, all of it appears lost.Hiro Ashi, 20, was there whenall of it was going on. He saidsomething to the effect of “it’sGodzilla” but it’s difficult tounderstand Japanese.

Hiro was not alone in histerror.

Junko Kami, 23, said thatturning on the subtitles optionon the DVD player wouldmake Japanese easier to under-stand. “Godzilla come again,”he exclaimed in dubbedEnglish. “Godzilla!”

Junko’s words seem to betrue as the local police reportsthat the ancient beast thatlingers in the depths of thePacific Ocean entered the citythrough Yokohama Port,passed the Museum of Art andover Route 16. He then headedwest into Tokyo.

“We can’t stop Godzilla,”said Ketsuke Nakamora, 45,captain of the Tokyo Police

Department. “We have torebuild, although even ourearthquake-proof buildingscan’t stop Godzilla.”

“Geeeeee-arrrghhhhh,” saidGodzilla. “Argg-uhhhh.”

The police tried to attackGodzilla with several lasersand helicopters loaded withmachine guns. But Godzillarunning into power lines onhis own seemed to be mosteffective.

“I don’t know why he keptplowing into all the powerlines,” said Mitsuko Kojima,23, a waitress, “if it hurt himthat bad, I don’t get why hedidn’t just step over them.”

It seems that Kojima’s wordsare true, as many Japanese citi-zens agreed that avoidingpower lines to begin withwould have been the smartestoption.

“Maybe he’s not just smart,”said Nakamora. “So manyofficers are having a hard timebeing close to him, it’s helpfulthat he just knocks over powerlines and putters himself out.”After the attack Godzilla wasreported to have returned toYokohama, but Japanese arestill wary and anticipate hisreturn.

“Godzilla!” exclaimed SudoGoichi.

She described the monster as“a freaking dinosaur that wasbreaking buildings.” A PENTHOUSE MILLIONAIRE IN TOKYO SNAPPED THIS PHOTO OF THE DESTRUCTION

PHOTO BY SEAN ROGERS YAKIMOTO

AN ARTIST’S RENDERING OF THE FUTURE PLAYGROUND ON THE QUAD

PHOTO BY NO FINGERS PETE

Actual Ad7 Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Newtown • Bristol • Perkasie • www.bucks.eduWhere to learn. Where to return.

Bucks County Community College

The Language and Literature

PenlandPrizeSTUDENT LITERARY CONTEST

GENE PENLAND1935-1985

Department Chair,Professor of English

Three Categories:• Poetry: Three Poems• Short Story: 5000 word limit• Essay: 1500 word limit

$50 Prize in each category

• Entry deadline: Friday, April 11, 2008, 4:00 p.m.• Entry form must accompany all entries• Obtain entry forms from Language and

Literature Office, Penn 105• Entries must be typed/word processed• Reception to honor winners

08048

Entertaining8 Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Free JazzConcert

at Bucks!Philadelphia-based and

internationally renownedjazz guitarist Jimmy Brunocomes to Bucks at 8 p.m. onFriday, April 11, for a much-anticipated concert at theNewtown campus.

Tickets are $10, but admis-sion is free for Bucks stu-dents.

Bruno, who has a host ofcritically acclaimed CDs tohis name, will be leading agroup including SidSimmons on piano; Craig

Thomas, bass; and WebbThomas on drums.

Born in 1953 inPhiladelphia, Bruno has per-formed in orchestras for thelikes of Frank Sinatra,Wayne Newton, Lena Horneand Buddy Rich. He cameinto his own as a solo artistin the 90’s, after a successful20-year career as a sought-after commercial guitaristand session musician.

In 1992 Bruno landed amulti-CD recording dealwith legendary jazz labelConcord Records. Since thenhe has recorded over 13 crit-ically acclaimed CDs, includ-ing “Sleight of Hand,” “LikeThat,” and “Polarity.” Hismost recent CD“Maplewood

Avenue” (Affiliated ArtistsRecords) was described as

having “…a 'classic' feel toit...like a famous album wesomehow hadn't discoveredyet.” All Music.com callsBruno "a passionate hardbopper who loves to swingaggressively but can be avery sensitive ballad player."

Bruno performs constantlyin jazz venues and jazz festi-vals around the world,including the Iridium inNew York and Blues Alley inWashington DC. He is oftendescribed as one of the great-est jazz guitarists of all time.Bruno recently entered athird phase of his careerwhen, in May of 2007, heopened the Jimmy BrunoGuitar Institute.

For more information call215-968-8087 or e-mailjazz@bucks.edu.

Health & Wellness Fair

2008

"Conceive It, Believe It,

Achieve It"

Tuesday, April 89:30 am - 1:30 pm

Gallagher Room ~ Newtown Campus

Topics Covered: Nutrition, Exercise Fitness, Mental Health,Dependency & Abuse, Recreation, Physical Health, Sports & Health

Programming, Chiropractic & Massage Therapy, & Yoga

Sponsored by: The Wellness Center & The Department of HealthPhysical Education & Nursing

Trapped man survives on finger foodBY DAVID CARTER

Centurion Vagabond

Problems arose overspring break whenPhysical Plant ExecutiveDirector Mark Grisi wastrapped inside an eleva-tor for three days.

Heading to the secondfloor on his way to checka door malfunction nearthe library, Grisi foundhimself stuck.

“The entire elevator lostpower, so the alarm bellwouldn’t work, and theemergency phone stillwas having problemssince installation,” Grisiclaimed.

Spring break left thehalls of Bucks empty. Noone was around to hearGrisi’s shouts for help.

Grisi was forced toration what little food hehad with him for threedays. “I only had a bottleof water and a bag of Laysfrom my lunch. Therewasn’t much else to dobut sleep, wait, and countall 99 bottles of beer onthe elevator floor.”

Unfortunately, whatfood he had was notenough to sustain him.

So, Grisi said, “I ate myfinger.”

After what seemed likean eternity to Grisi, hebecame delusional anddecided that eating partof his index finger wasthe only way he couldsurvive.

“I never thought I’d getout of there.”

After trying to pry the

doors open Grisi resortedto climbing out onto theroof of the elevator car.“You see it all the time inmovies but it’s easier towatch in a movie than tophysically do.”

Grisi slept on top of thecar because of the con-stant lights inside the car.The shaft was dark andcool, preventing him fromoverheating.

In an effort to make thecampus more handi-capped accessible the ele-vator was installed in thepast few months. Thoughexpensive, it was impera-tive that it be completedfor mass use and ready assoon as possible. Thismay have resulted inshortcuts on safety pre-cautions.

Grisi was eventuallyfound after his familygrew worried and con-tacted the school.Buildings and GroundsServices Director MartinSnyder found the brokenelevator after hearingabout Grisi’s disappear-ance.

“It was a hunch; youknow movies, newsshows, and all that. Thereare always stories ofsomeone being trapped inan elevator. I hadwatched “Silence of theLambs” just the daybefore, If Hannibal couldbe in an elevator why notMark?”

And ironically, Grisi didresort to self-cannibalism.

THAT’S SOME LUNCH MARK!

PHOTO TAKEN BY LAURA IRWIN’S INDEX FINGER

BYMELISSADOAKCenturion Candidate

By the fall 2008 semester,Dr. James Linksz, Bucks pres-ident plans to have theOrangery turned into a bar.

Linksz said, “I know this iswhat the students want, and

here at Bucks we aim toplease our students.”

The bar will sell alcoholicand non-alcoholic drinks fora lower price than regularbars due to student’s lowincome. The Orangery willkeep its name, although the

interior design is set tochange dramatically.

The Orangery will be a newplace for students to loungeand hang out with friends.Along with the bar will betables, sofas, lounge chairsand a stage.

The schoolwill be issuingID cards simi-lar to driver’slicenses inorder to pre-vent underagedrinking.Every studentwill be cardedat the bar with-out exception.“No ID, nodrinks, alco-holic or not,”said Linksz.

The Board ofTrustees feelsthis is a greatway to showthe school’sresponsibilitywith drinking.

“This bar willshow kids howto drinkresponsibly”says boardmember JohnCramer. “It

will also prevent underagedrinking.”

The bar will be run by theStudent GovernmentAssociation, but they have ofcourse already banned smok-ing within the Orangery andit’s perimeter.

Beginning in June studentscan fill out an application atThe Hub.

The bar’s hours are noon to11 p.m. Monday throughFriday.

SGA has also implementedspecials that they think willbe a great hit. Monday nightswill be “Free Shirley TempleNight” for all minors. AndWednesdays the special willbe dollar margaritas for ofage students. Friday nightswill be “Open Mic Night” foranyone with musical talent.Sign up at the bar at least twoweeks in advance.

Erica Judd, 22, voice major,said “Finally a great idea, thisway I can show off my voiceand get hammered in theprocess!” The music depart-ment is especially happy withLinksz’ decision and will playa role in Friday’s event.

Students are very excited tohear about getting a bar oncampus. Mark Smith, 19, said“This is going to be a coolplace to hang out other thanthe plain school lounges.”

The Orangery bar is set togo under construction overthe summer and be open forbusiness by the beginning offall semester. Be sure to checkit out!

9EntertainmentTuesday, April 1, 2008

Orangery gets hammered, becomes a bar

Paris Hilton speaks forwomenBYJAYJONESEditor -in -training

The Library Auditoriumwill play host to therenowned women’s rightsactivist Paris Hilton thisApril, who will discuss suchissues as gender inequalityand female empowerment.

Talking directly to youngwomen, Hilton hopes toinspire students everywhereto take up the fight againstthe objective imageobjectifi-cation of women in today’ssociety as eye candy and tostart taking control of ourfuture as the next generationof policy makers in this coun-

try.Using her critically

acclaimed show ,”The SimpleLife 1, through 23,” Paris hasalready done wonders foryoung girls everywhere bygiving them a chance to trulysee what a self-made million-aire like herself has done toimprove the lives of other lessfortunate people across theUnited States.

“Having someone who is sofamous for… for… for beingrich is an amazing thing tohappen at Bucks,” said TinaMina Bovina, second-yearBucks student and Yardleynative.

Hilton will be joined by fel-

low peers.buddies JessicaSimpson will discuss theneed for completing a highschool education and LindsayLohan will present startlinginformation on the rates ofteenage drinking. Altogetheran intense program is expect-ed with three of the greatestminds of the celebrity com-munity in one room, the dis-cussion is anticipated to be ofintelligent and critical nature.

Hilton was quoted as say-ing, “That’s hot.”

Girls everywhere areencourage to attend, howeverit is expected that there willbe a large male populationattending the seminar to dis-

cuss womaen’s rights as well. “She is a great role model

for girls everywhere,” ArnoldShineypants exclaimed whenhe heard of Hilton approach-ing seminar, “I have clippingsof all her great tabloid accom-plishments.”

And Hilton has alwaysbeen at the forefront of anycrowd ready to take thescene, whether it is rights ofwomen in this nation, animalrights or taking the Guinness2007 record of being “themost overrated celebrity ofthe year” award, Hilton is ainspiring star in this other-wise gray paparazzi season.

“No matter what a woman

looks like,” Hilton was oncequoted as saying, “if she'sconfident, she's sexy… unlessshe’s fat.”

Hilton has long since sup-ported the achievements ofwomen, whether profession-al, intellectual or personaland at this conference she isexpected to discuss the grow-ing need for more people toact like Paris Hilton.

As she wrote in her NobelPrize winning book,Confessions of an Heiress,“To me, anything goes. Butthat’s just me.”

Where’s the beef? This is just Ebola! BYKRISTIN CALCIANOBand Guru

Chaos in the cafeteria erupt-ed on Monday, March 24,when several students whoate hamburgers started com-ing to the health center withsymptoms directly indenti-fied to be those consistentwith the Ebola virus.

After campus break onMonday, about 34 studentscame to the health centercomplaining of severeheadaches, abdominal pain,sore throat, nausea and dizzi-ness. The staff did not know

what to think until the nurseon duty took the students’temperatures as per standardprocedure.

Judy Bellam, RegisteredNurse, said, “ [The students]temperatures were throughthe roof, one boy had a tem-perature of about 103 degreesand the others had tempera-tures ranging from about100.7 degrees to 102 degrees.”

Upon these findings, thestaff began to call hospitals tosee what could possibly becausing these types of symp-toms. The students wererushed to surrounding hospi-

tals, where upon arrival theywere seen by a representativefrom the Centers for DiseaseControl and Prevention. Itwas later found that a studentwho was unhappy with theconstruction going on aroundcampus developed a mutatedstrain of the virus in his base-ment, and contaminated allthe beef products in the cafe-teria.

The student, Adam West,was discovered when heboasted loudly during achemistry lab that he “Madesure those crackpots stopruining the campus.” He also

said phrases that included, “Ihope they enjoy their ham-burgers,” and, “Oops! Wasthat Ebola in my Whopper?”

When a student alerted theprofessor, he immediatelycalled campus safety, andlater the police were called.

There is no word yet onwhat will become of West,and what he will be chargedwith, but any students whoconsumed any beef productson campus this week arebeing asked to report imme-diately to the health center ifthey notice the symptomsmentioned.

I recently had a 3Dultrasound done, andas it turns out, my childhas large almond-shaped eyes.I was really shocked bythis, but my doctor saidthat he sort of saw thiscoming. He is pretty sure that theeyeballs, abnormallylarge head and extralong fingers have some-thing to do with theweirdly shaped strechmarks that I have oneither side of my belly.The doctor told my hus-band that he doesn’tthink that they arestretch marks at all, butrather that they arealien hand prints andthat we are having analien baby.Of course my husbandgot very upset over thisand immediately

thought that I had anaffair with the hot for-eign college student inthe apartment upstairs. Don’t worry, Francesco,the doctor covered for usby telling my husbandthat he means a realalien, like from outterspace.I have to say though,the baby did look a lit-tle weird. His chin did-n’t look anything likemine, Francesco’s orSteven’s. Come to think of it, hischin didn’t even reallylook like a chin.Anyway, Steven thinksthe doctor is right andthat we have been visit-ed by some UFO probeteam who have selectedus to be their invaderbaby’s hosts.I mean, come on, really. It is not like we havethose black outs everyday, they are only likeonce a month.

And besides, if we werereally abducted byaliens, then where areour crop circles andvaporized cattle? I have seen the TV shows,I know what realabductees say they haveexperienced, and Ihaven’t seen any of that.I mean, I need somehard solid proof before Ican even entertain astory like that.Steven thinks that I ambeing unreasonableand that we should seesome sort of alien babyspecialist, but I say thatas long as our baby ishealthy, who cares if helooks a little weird.We both know that he isours and we will lovehim just the same as wewould if he had blondehair and blue, normalsized, eyes.We don’t need a special-ist to tell us that.

Op/Ed 10Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A Piece of my

Mind

A weekly column by Centurion DunceMark Bennett

A Modern

Hypocrisy

A weekly column by Centurion Perfectionist Laura Irwin

Oh Baby!

VS.Two egotistical editors battle it out over who’s column is better

Wow, she really thinks that her editorial is better than mine, ha! I’m glad she brought that to my attention, I’ve been having abad day and I really needed a chuckle. Because Bucks students really want to listen to a self centered know-it-all perfectionist ranton about her 4.0, perfect attendance and how cool her Heely sneakers are; they are cool, if you’re still in elementary school. AndI don’t know if any of you have had the pleasure of working with a perfectionist; but let me say that after listening to her con-stantly reminding us how great she is and how bad we suck, suicide looks pretty good. Do you know how hard it is to play Halo3 and listen to her complain about every little thing that went wrong with the paper that week. Oh, and she does rant, on and on,about how bad some writers are. Well, maybe it’s because we don’t stay up at night studying the AP style book. I’m sorry wedon’t all work two dozen jobs and study hard to get straight A’s, but you know, some of us actually have… lives.

I could never expect you to be as good as me when it comes to this sort of thing. So, don’t have any negative energy News Editor.You’ll find something you’re good at someday soon I’m sure. But until then, don’t forget that as you were writing all this, youhad to ask me if you were allowed to say this or if it was grammatically correct to say that.

I run this show, and even you find it hard to forget that fact. I see you consider “having a life” to be playing Halo 3 all weekendlong; I wouldn’t expect you to appreciate the value in work ethic. Besides little man, you’re under 21, and I’m not. So by age alone,I have more of a life than you!

But to correct you, I do not study, it’s seven jobs and my ranting is rather hilarious. If I were serious than I would maybe haveas many issues as you have with throwing together a weekly article. But, it’s libelous! I say completely libelous! I’m sure all ofBucks campus was riveted by your epic car ride to Minnisota. Great stuff Capote.

You know, the content of her articles are always so, how should I put this, relevant to things students care about. Lets write acolumn about how to make people cheap Christmas cards to give to them. Because some of the readers might have forgotten howto do that when they were in kindergarten. And lets write a creepy article about all of the movie psychopaths she wants to getdown and dirty with. I’m sure the 10 Goth kids on campus really enjoyed that one. At least I write about things students may haveexperienced themselves. And if you don’t think my articles are all that interesting or relevant, that’s because she sensors the lifeout of me. “No, you can’t write an article criticizing America’s drug policy. No, you can’t write about the potential health bene-fits of smoking pot. No, you can’t write about how you beat that kid up. No, you can’t write an article about how religion is justa way to control people.” And then she yells at me when I acuse her of censoring the press! Damn Republicans.

Censoring? It’s called editing. Would the public like to know how many explitives I need to delete from such amazing pieces ofwriting like “Trick-or-treating,” “Bad drivers,” and “Abortion.” Note, I get to read and edit your columns for errors, and no onelooks at mine. Alpha dog. I am the Alpha dog. And if I was so hardcore than why would I let you ramble on about how bitchy Iam? Newsflash, even you hang out with me. I must be cool, perfectionist and everything! The point is clear, I get more hits on thewebsite than you and more people rant on about how nuts I must be every week when they read my column, which happens tobe the point here. Yeah, so you give a little alternative style to my Op/Ed page, as you said, you’re a little hoodlum. I think it givesThe Centurion a more well-rounded appeal. Anyway, we’re talking about handfuls of readers here anyway, I think this fightshould expand once one of us hits syndication. The rant continues.

A weekly column by Centurion Pregnancy Expert Janine Logue

11MiscellaneousTuesday, April 1, 2008

And all he wants to do is dance, dance, danceBY STEPHANIE THOLEYSome Girl

Bucks President Dr. JamesLinksz is retiring from Bucks topursue his dream of being on thepopular television show,“Dancing with the Stars.”

Dancing has always been afavorite pastime for Linksz. Hehas been taking dancing lessonsfor years now and he feels thatit’s time to get serious.

“I felt it was time to take my

passion of dancing to a whole dif-ferent level,” said Linksz. “Whoknows what dances I’ll end updoing but I want everyone toknow I’m ready for whateverthey throw at me.”

Linksz has been dancing theSalsa, Meringue, Foxtrot andWaltz, and has a little knowledgeof tap dancing and hip-hop.

“I started by taking salsa andmeringue lessons with my wifeabout 10 years ago, and fromthere it just spiraled into a need to

learn every form of dance andmaster them all. The latest form Iam beginning to learn is Moderndance,” said Linksz

He has competed in manycompetitions over the years, andhas even won many of them,bringing home the trophies toprove it. Some of them havegone in his office, as well as theone from his last competitionwhere he beat out Cheryl Burke,one of the professionals on theTV show.

He stated, “Hopefully shedoesn’t hold anything against mefor beating her in the last compe-tition. She did seem a little upsetbut I’m sure we willboth be professionalabout it and take everythingright to the dance floor.”

The rumor is that he is goingto be partnered with KymJohnson, but he won’t revealthe identity of his partnerand assures us that it willbe a show that will go down in

history. Everyone can lookforward to seeing

Linksz in the

upcomingseason of

“ D a n c i n gwith the

Stars.” Theseason startson April 18 and ison ABC at 8 p.m.

Nerd blows up classroom, Prof arrestedBY KRISTIN CALCIANOCompulsive Writer

There was a great deal ofconfusion on campusThursday, March 27, whengreen smoke started pouringout of the second floor win-dows in Founder’s Hall.Apparently, when perform-ing an experiment involvingthe mixing of two highly dan-gerous chemicals, whichincluded a radioactive iso-tope, a beaker exploded.

Students were evacuatedfrom Founder’s and soonafter, emergency responseand HAZMAT teams showedup to clean and sterilize thebuilding. No students wereharmed, but all were taken tothe nearest hospital for evalu-ation. So far, three studentshave been contaminated andare under quarantine until afurther assessment can bemade.

The students did not knowhow dangerous the chemicalsthey were working with real-ly were, according to EmilyJob, 21, biology major. Jobsaid, “I’m really scared, Imean, I was right there whenthe beaker just exploded. Wehad no clue what to do.Everyone was ready to jump

out the window.”Professor Aaron Caves,

who was responsible for thechemicals being brought onto Bucks’ campus, was arrest-ed for illegal activity and ter-roristic behavior.

When interviewed, Cavessaid, “I was just trying toshow my students the rawside of chemistry, the sidethat most of them will neverget to see. I want them to seejust what they are up against

in the ongoing struggle theUnited States is having withillegal nuclear weapons sys-tems. The Koreans are up tosomething I tell you!”

As police struggled to pushCaves into the back of asquad car, he could be heardranting about somethinginvolving the return of theSoviet Union. He was takento Waverly Hills PsychiatricHospital for further evalua-tion.

John Captcha, a member ofthe HAZMAT response teamthat was dispatched to con-trol the situation said, “Idon’t know what this loonwas thinking letting kids playaround with radioactivematerial. He could have com-promised the whole campusand everyone in it for God’ssake! I heard that the CIA isnow involved though so theremight be more to the storythan we originally thought.”

Further investigation intoCaves’ background is underway.

A n y s t u d e n t w h o

w a s i n t h e b u i l d -

i n g a n y t i m e

b e f o r e 2 : 3 0 p . m .

o n M a r c h 2 7 i s

a s k e d t o g o t o t h e

n e a r e s t m e d i c a l

f a c i l i t y t o b e e v a l -

u a t e d f o r r a d i o a c -

t i v e e x p o s u r e .

Library is looking comfy with hammocksBY KYLE CRAWFORDWho?

Announced early Fridaymorning, Bucks’ Newtowncampus library will be put-ting hammocks in the secondstory.

The hammock decision,though controversial, is seenby many as a way to help stu-dents unwind.

The library at Bucks wasmainly used for research, theinternet, and checking outnecessary books - until now.The proposition, number 401-08, has just been approvedand was conceived of by PaulEwing, a member of theStudent GovernmentAssociation.

“I have only recently start-ed sitting upstairs at thelibrary, and thought to myselfhow much better hammocks

would be than chairs,” Ewingsaid.

The new section will be set-ting the school’s budget backapproximately $1.7 million.Dr. Andre Aftermath of theBucks Budget Committee ispleased to announce that themoney was taken from theremodeling funds.

Kelly Courageous, 27, anaccounting major fromNewtown said, “I think it’s soterrible that they can justthrow the school’s moneyaway on hammocks. Thiswill take away money neededfor other things like televi-sions and digital clocks.”

But most students said theywere relieved to hear thatwhat once was a center usedfor work will now be used forrelaxation.

The library was felt to bethe perfect spot for the ham-

mocks, since it’s so quietthere. The large amount ofavailable space in the secondstory made it the best place tostart the project.

Mark Grisi, executive direc-tor of the physical plant, said,“The project should only takefour years to complete pro-vided the working conditionsare right.”

Ironically, the library willbe useless until the project iscompleted because of thenoise caused by construction.

There have been discus-sions of starting Relaxation107, 110, and 111 classeswhen the new hammock areais completed. Dozens of pro-fessors have already volun-teered to teach such courses.Officials have also discussedturning the Tuesday-Thursday break into nap-time.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

CC enturionenturion SSprotsprotsBY PHIL COLESSelf-titled Sports Genius

The Centurion reported earlierin the semester that ProfessorMark Bohling appeared on SpikeTV’s “Pro’s vs. Joe’s” and foughtformer welterweight champArturo Gatti. That match did notend well for Bohling; he wasknocked out in a little over aminute. However, recently thetwo met up again at Spike’s“Pro’s vs. Joe’s” reunion event,in which all the competitors wereinvited back for another shot,albeit untelevised, at the pros.

“It’s something we started toshow our competitors someappreciation for participating,”said Spike TV’s CEO JamesMarshall. “These guys often getembarrassed on national televi-sion, so in order to avoid possi-ble lawsuits; we like to sweetentheir deals a little bit.”

But nobody could have pre-dicted what would happen next.

And it would change the land-scape of boxing’s welterweightdivision as we know it.

Bohling had another shot at

Gatti in the ring. “After the firstfight, I went back and watchedall of Gatti’s previous fights,”said Bohling. “I was obsessed. Ifound that every time he threwhis right hand, he would leavehis chin wide open for an over-hand left.” So it happened thaton March 12, 2008, Bohlingknocked out Gatti with an over-hand left that came as the mostsurprising upset in boxing sinceBuster Douglas knocked outMike Tyson.

“I still can’t believe it actuallyhappened,” said a shocked Gatti.“The producers at Spike TV saidto let Mark hang around for acouple of rounds, I got lazy inthe ring, and he caught me.”Bohling was also amazed at whattranspired. “Never in a thou-sand years did I think I wouldknock out Gatti. It still hasn’tsunk in.”

What happened next may beeven more amazing than theactual fight.

Bohling is now the ranked atno. 4 in boxing’s welterweightdivision after his surprise knock-

out. Boxing promoters arescrambling to find out just whothis man is, and if and when hewill fight again. “I don’t know ifthis was a fluke or not, but itreally doesn’t matter. He beat

Gatti, he will get another chanceto prove himself in the ring,”said promoter David King, sonof the legendary Don King.

Whether Bohling wants tofight again is another question.

“I guess I have to,” saidBohling. “I’m gonna see wherethis ride takes me.”

Bohling KOs Gatti in rematch

BY LIOR SHULMANCenturion Shepard

Bucks’ Student GovernmentAssociation released a reportMarch 25 outlining a plan toclose the campus the first weekof June to conduct a goose huntbefore destroying the baseballfields.

Why? Because Bucks needsmore parking.

The Pennsylvania GameCommission has joined withBucks Security and Safety toorganize the execution of cam-pus geese, amid lawsuitsbrought by students who haveallegedly stepped in goose excre-ment.

Rifles will be issued to mem-bers of the Phi Theta Kappahonor students and they will

“basically play duck hunt,” asone student said.

The new parking lot will “addthree levels of parking, be acces-sible from Swamp Road andserve as the foundation for a sky-scraper to accommodate Bucks’expanding need for a corporateheadquarters,” said SGA.

“Release the Geese,” a self-titled group from a BucksIntegration of Knowledge Artand Science class, has begunprotesting and petitioning any-one who will listen. “Release theGeese” have asked that anyonewho wants to save the birdsshould wear geese colors andreport to the pond south of thebaseball field the week of thehunt.

Security and Safety hasinformed protesters that being

on campus during the hunt willput them in danger from gunfire,and protesters may be arrestedby Newtown police for trespass-ing on a closed campus, or both.

When asked how Newtownpolice were preparing to dealwith a potential surge of protest-ers, Chief Justice Knightly hit mewith pepper spray before I couldblink. While I screamed of thefire in my eyes, Officer AidenAmigo hit me with a night-stick.

SGA tried to appease protest-ers by offering to use the geesemeat to make the chickennuggets that are served in thecafeteria to avoid wasting meat.

Whether protesters will testthe wrath of hunters and con-struction workers is to be deter-mined. But one thing is for sure;I will not be there reporting it.

Fields to be paved over for parking lot, geese to die

N o l o n g e r a n u n o b t a i n a b l e d r e a m , B u c k s g e t s f o o t b a l l

BY ALISSA ROTH

Peace Corps Affiliate

It has always been a campusjoke. Sweatshirts that hang inthe book store read, “BucksCounty Community Collegefootball team undefeated since1964.” But now this ongoingjoke is becoming a reality.

Bucks will be establishing afootball team.

“We are already recruitinglocal players and hope to puttogether a solid team for thisseason”, said SportsCoordinator and new HeadCoach Steve James.

But despite the excitement,some are questioning the possi-

bility of this becoming a reality.“This new venture is going tocost the college a lot. Stadium,buses, uniforms? It really startsto add up. This isn’t a smallteam we’re talking about. Theywould need two buses alone tomove a team this size,” saidBucks Board Member DavidPierce. “So let’s say we find away to fund the team, it doesn’tmean they’re going to be anygood.”

“We’ve seen success withother sports and teams, so whynot this one,” said James. “In thepast the golf, soccer and basket-ball team all saw winning sea-sons so why not a footballteam?”

As for practice fields, stadiumand schedule, nothing has yet tobe formerly announced. Withthe newly announced destruc-tion of Bucks’ baseball fields inorder to create parking lots, pro-posals have been made for usingCouncil Rock North HighSchool’s stadium.

“Were still in the early stagesof development here but peopleare very excited about theprospect and so am I,” saidJames.

A board meeting will be heldon Thursday, April 3, in theLibrary auditorium to discussfurther details and all areencouraged to attend.