alas in blunder land
TRANSCRIPT
W r+'"rill W-,_*- ' j , io , ,o tor . .Hi ,everybody, Isupposeeachofyouherek
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.f:ias heard of Goldilncks ... Little Red Riding Hood ... -,. Baby Bear: How do you think I feel? I'll miss schooi.ui Cinderella .. ' Snow White and the Seven Diarfs? - i ri n , n But we can't stop the fairy-tale can we?l bur did you know that one day they mer? yes, they AeV*_L
did, and many more times besides. Oh, it was along 7 Daddy Bear: You mean to teJl me that we just ignoretime ago in a faraway land cailed Blunderiand. our breakfasts, our jobs and our appointments, io for
Brunderrand was a wonderrur piace. rt was rure d by a , lJ']1;,1::1t:1;T;l$*:t:tt.H;.Ti: H:t:"i'- firn-loving King who had a fun-loving wife called The locla intobui house? Who wrotefhii story aryhow?*
Queen, and they had a fun-loving son called The ,brot
Princel Baby Bear: Er ... I think it was a ... a ... a ... oh
AIso living in Brunderland at rhat time was Gordi- ol#t #il:all 'em again? ch ybah' a huriran "' a
lock. However, Goldilocks wasn,t aiways as good asgold as our story book might suggest. Indeed-at times Mammy Bear: A what?she could be a horrible little wretch. But look ... see Baby Bear: A human being - you know, those thingsfor yourselfbecause here she is, that pest fro*q the with no fur except on their heads. They think theywest, Goldilocks! t f ,/ \
{pd^b b" 6 ) -
owntheplaceandthata l lan imalsaredumb.
(Enter Gotditocks.) v'i /
I;::!^!r,;:;:fX'l,j:if,l;ff:#l:.rt At reasiGoldiloclcs: (s/re sits toss-legged hand. to chin) l, m we'Il get some air.feci upi No-one to play withl N*o-one to bullyl So-on. (E*it Bears. Goldilocks breal\ freeze. She laughs
to thur::pl No-one to mangle! StiU ... not a bad day ' boldly.)
for tormenting bears. (.S/re stands, spots a bearho,use.)a l tootc lAbearhousetTt i 'n t i ' i rU?* l . ^ Gold i loc lcs:Mmm.. . Ismel lponidge.TbinkI ' l ln ipwindovr! (Picks up a large srone ... prercnAs b throw ' . in and grab a bite to eat.and then holds a freeze-)
r r, rla;a Goldilocl<s:Mmm ... delicious. I thinkl'll eat the
(EnterNarrator.) u-22-> wholelotl
(Stilt eating, with bowl in hand' she walks towar'ds the
Narrator: (looks at Gotd,itocks rhen at aud.ience) see 'i%*rhink
i,l[ give Red Riding Hood awhatl.mean?fy*.y,earlierthatmorningrherewas
ri";di tq h\hle
:}i'jil111'-H::';..o^^-.-.^..,, --.-.-qrE : @iatsinumbl''; -- '
il'[ammy Bear; Dddy Bear, would you ever get up? Ifthe car doesn't start you'll be late for work, the poorchild will be late for school, and I'll miss my appoinr-ment with the vet.
(Enter Daddy Bear.) 'y0#Daddy Bear: You never stop moaning. Nag; nagnag f >:F:-'-... morning, noon and nighrl Where's rny ponidge?
;t/ M Riding Hood.. you bet it wasl My ne.1:oro{(tr{ammy Bear hands him a bowl and. a spoon.) bikeli a dingerl Right, where shall we srart?
Ivfammy B ear: Now who's moaning and nagging? ''
Goldilork: Tjre chairs?
(Enter Baby Bear.) R ed Riding Hood: Right!
"ii*:;:nli:ru;::ilJ.nli1:r.::iJi:i':"ib*,r'i;i::;::{#:Tn':;*:;;:;'#"it:'-i;4un, 'ease' They fall about laughing')in the book'
| -fl " r '
:' Thel fatl about laughin' '
irtamryyBeal; What book? C%aajlocks: Oh, tharwas great.B a b 7 B e a r : i t s a y s i n t h e b o o k t h a t w e t h r e e b e a r s g o <for a rvaik ahd conveniently allorv Goldilocks to come Red Riding Hood: Sure was. ,t , ,in and wreck the house.
Dadtly Eear:Go for a walk? what about my job? Goldilocl<s: I hate bears' I t I Ill''tl<A
t,|vfantmy Bear; And my appoinrment wirh the vet? E'r!#,1*r *oodr I hate wolves' one of ihemGf
i
Red Riding Hood: Qh, that was only the publishedstory. The foliowing day the Big Bad Wolf cameback, spotted Granny hanging out her bloomers, andSnap ... one bite and bye bye Granny!
Goldiloctcs:Is that true, Red?
RedRiding Hood:Hey, Goldiel I'm a human being.Would I lie?G oldilo clcs : Sounds pretty painfu l.
Red Riding Hoodr you bet. you could hear herscreaming for miles.(They hear voices.)Hey, who's that?
Goldilocks: Dunno. Must be the Bears. Irt,s hide. -
(They' spamper of to hide.) ;;;;i6I yar:to.r: But-it wasn't the Bears. It was their friends" rne \iyolves, who wanted to tell the Bears about a very
important meeting.
(Exil Narrator. Enter Wolves,)
lYo[ I : Where are the Bears?
lYolf 2:Don,t know. Their car is parked outside.Y.yb: they've gone for a stroll. S'trrng. ttrougir, thisplace is a bit of a mess.
lYolf 3: I hope they'll be back for the meeting.
IVolf 1: Yes indeed. Today is the day for sertingthe record straight.
Y"lF to front stage; addresses aud.ience.)
l ne humans have accused me of blowing downlgr_t:r belongins ro three little pigs.lYolf 2.: (walks to frout stage.) nna they accused me *of terrifying a little boy called peter .nd his Grandad.
lYotf 3: (w,alks to front.)The humans accused me ofeating Red Riding Hood,s Granny.
(To other wolves.)Hey, did you hcar a noise?
(Enter Bears. Tlrcy exchange bear hugs and paw_shakes.)
Babl, Beo,r: Hi, Wolves. What's the scene?
Ilolf 1: Weli, Baby Bear, we thought it was abourtime the record was set straight.
illantnty Bear; The record?
oldilocks: No he didn't. In the storv vour Crannvwasn't eaten.
'tYol.f 2: Yeah, you know - bobks and fairytales.
Baby Bea.r: O.h, you mean human books. iegends,myths, fair;'tales and all that Crimm stuff?
-
1lo{ !: Exactly! Well, we gor on the phone to the Kina.nd Queen and Prince of Blunderland. Thev said .they'd be delighted to come around to discuss thematter with us.
Baby Bear: What time will they be here?
lYolf 1: Oh, in about three seconds.
WolvesandBears: ene... two ... three...
(Loud banging on door, Enter King, eueen andPrince of Blunderland) .Mammy Bear.. Bang on time! Come in, yourmajesties.
A&,King: Hi, there, oh hairy funy forest friends! ,
€%rves andBears: Heilo, fleshy royal ones.
(They nod, shake pawslhands etc. The King helps theQueen into her seat and stan^ on her rigit. TiePrince sits on her lap sucking his ttumb. The atrimalssit ot the floor facing them. Baby Bear and the princeeye each other menacingly,)
Prince:Mammy.
Queen: yes, love?
Pince:I don't l ike ,em. I-
Qie in:Why, love? |I
Prince:'Cos they have all hair on ,em and they smell.
Baby Bear:Who are you calling hairy and smelly,, . you baldy little whipperrnupprr? Wait till I get mypaws into ya!
.,{mq borh go for eaclt other, but motlters and. fatltersintervene and peace b restored.)
. King: Well, now, my good friends, I believe you havea problem.
Mamny Bear: (sfte rrses) your majesty, for someyears now the humans have been writing terriblestories which they call ,fairytales'. These storiesalways show humans to Ue wonJeifuJ ana ui animafsto be dreadful.
' Wolf 2: Yeah, I mean I was accused of terrifyine Isomqjeriecalled perer. -
I-- b'8'1 I'Wolf 3: I am supposed to have eaten a Granny.
ryfpgoe_surouod.u,cr,ng.. z
*r^, _, _, "-
_
rurammy B ea. r*y*i"i;'fuffi"# : tr::i;iffi,ffxr, tsffiIi#{,#trrult'Irt! Desr.' rlley InrnK I cao't even make ponidg-e ?- ̂ ,i n, u0noxw.us!They'llonly be the ones wio gJi &ed
laal.a.ey: gooks around scratching his t rorY{o?on ^ nwaiting in my queue'
:rtreyitrlnts rt , u iiioi " aop"r
s / ? {,j.lf::: sll, up: {:u rwo
"*,[email protected] dooing\ //will annoy tle neighbours.
(A'II animats n'od and' agree with each other') 1: ob.noxio^, *.an',u*r,orro,u. .uggot to call usKing: (rises) Come now, my good creatures, not all i
ugly'
fairytales are it such bad taste. We have many morechaming fairytal"r;r,n r"t, #rr#ii."0"","?.,tii" I Brutal: Yeah and he eveu talks to tha.t dirty little cin-ia tha* --r _- --:__,
ogs I ders. Iin them - and no animals - which you ,na ioui
- ""' I
clers' Ifamilies can enjoyl
I I fo, both giggte.) |Wolv es and Bears.. Really?
Queen: Yes. For exampieihave you ever heard of'Cinderella'?
.4,/I;'Cinderella'?
_Ellt ]ggf Is that umbrella,s cousin?
Mammy Bear: Ssh, Baby Bear. Sorry about that,Queen. Please carry on.
Queen: Oh, it's a iovely story, isn't it, darliq.g?
King: lt certainly is, my sweet - and you shall all seeit. Bring on Cinderella!
(They all leave and sit at the front of the
Obnoxious: Come along, Brutal darling. Let,s put thepoor mbn out of their misery.
- .
Brutal: Oka1,, ebnoxious pet, lead the wav to the bussropr (.LW)
(Giggling, they leave. Enter Cinders.)
Cinders: It was her, Buttons, it was her! She said shethought I might have a problem and she'd be over inabouUesiseconds.
r I
_ ̂ ft .aunonsi wtrlC.,g.rr..un* cr"r"st
Lrry Crnaers; ffr'Ugly Sisters are going to rhe ball and It can,t go.I
Cinders: Oh, Fairy Godmother, you,ve no idea howmiserabie I am. My nno Ugiy Sisten have gone to theball and I'm left behind covered in muck and dirt,dressed in rags and feeiing really blue.
Fairy Godmother:Yes, you are a bit messy lookingaren'tyou?
ICind,ers:What am I going to do? I
lairy Godmotler.. No problem, pudding pie. you goto that door over there, ciose it behind you, hrock sixtimes and say:
Dirty Cinders ain't dirty no more ETl-,H.t"ty * she waiks ,lrough the door.--u1;Buttons: My goodness, Cinders, you look absolutelyh a n r r t , i f i ' lv w s q t u u l .
Fairy Godmof&er: Yes, you do, my dotey honev. Justone thing though. Be back by midnigit or else .'..
(E:it Fairy Godmother. Loud banging at door.)
tL"fie%
Cinden-Look at me I I'm filthy and I haven,t got athing to wear.
Buttons: I see your point. (Sie bawls even loud.er i
now.) But listen, sureiy you've gor a Fairy God-motnerl
Cjnd1rc: Yes, of course I have. I've been trying toring her ail ngming but she's just nor ans*eririg th.phone. Nobody loves me. Notiven you, Bunoni! *-\
Buttons:Thar's nor tnse! (phone rings off stage, ff,$t/lVaitl That's the phonet tviaybe it's hir. ivi,yioo,,
'> |you answer it? ' )
Buttons:Why not? I
Cinders: Okay, bur it,ll probably be a wrong nurnber.
--Obnorious: We're otf to rhe ball toniqht.
kuqtr,^tc
It 's a coachrnan with six white horses. Cinders. vou'regoingrorhebail.
FrJi- d n*tCButtons: I bet she meets a handsilme prince and falls
brella: \Yho's that?
e-Eoes to door and looks out,)
Il v5, ) ' rr t r c e l ' at i la s I t c t t s -Loo Lt r t gsi l / / is I tut gu Uus : U Ett,.. you're eve n worse. I wouldn't dancc with either of
-, you if you were the only two women left on earth.Besides, tonieht I 've fallen in love with ... what the
; lwasher*name? She dicln't tell me. (Roars.)-
Detectives Hound and Dos come here!
I{owd: No problem, Dog!
P rin c e F a n tasti cus-Lookirr gs rtras lin gabrs; Get on toit at once and Iet me know when you'ie found her.Narrqtor:(A,s he speaks, Hound and Dog minre an interyiew at
a door of a lrcuse. They tunt away and face audiencewhen Namator linishes.)llound and Dog sniffed out every clue, but keptcorning up against brick walls. dvery woman in thecountry seemed to be the owner of the slipper.
(Exit Narrator.)
I{o.und: Well, Dog, that's every house sixty-threemiles frorn the palace. What clo we do nowi
in love with him. Ah well, i f that's whal makeshoppy, then so be it! C^,1" Fr.a:: t".9 C
(Exit Brutons. Enter Narrator.)
Narqator: That night at the ball Prince FaLookingsmashingabus couldn't take his eyes offCinderella.
P i nc e F antasticus -Lookin gsmoshin g abus; Do voucome here often?
Cinderella: Only when my Fairy Godmother sendsme here.(They both giggle.) i
P i n c e F a nt a sti cut s -L ooki n g s mas hi n g abus.' Anychancc of me walking you home?
Cinderella: Hardly.
P rin c e F an tasti c us -Lo oki n g snrash i n g abusr Why?
Ciy!e_r.el!1: I live sixty-three miles away.
P rin c e F antasticu s-Looki n gsnnshi n gahrs,, Oh, well,pcrhaps a phonc number where I could contact vou,We could catch a movie, or go to the fairgrounj,nibble some candy-floss, pick up a Big lr{ac .,..
Cinderella:Why, sure, thSt,dibe gr..t. nutffi:ould you tell me the timi?
\i n c e F an tasti c tts.L o okin g s nrc shin g ab us : Ah,'elax, it 's early yet.
)inderella: How early?
o. s^t'ltr i n c e F an tasti cu s -Lo oki n g s nrcs h i n g ab us: It'{aboutr{tr seconds to midnight. /\
'inderella: What?
Trinc e F an rasticus-Lookin gsmashi n gab us : Where JrZl! she go? Wry did she go? Was it s;merhing I said? .
Fnoxious:Ah, forgct her. She,s boring. ,,^ :'I1*'uah more cxciling. Give us a dancc, oh lenJt-,re-Edtpone.
.PrtqL!1Incei {.ret lost.
J.+#:;;rosr. He prcfers someone rvith a bir f---.. stylc. Don't you, srveetie. Now let's boogie!
You called, m'lord?
At your service, your eminence,
Prince Fantasticus-Lcok;n; snnshingaDus; I want you totrace the lady with whom I spent, the evening dancing.
D o g : Y ery wcll sir. (T akes oul note b ook.) Ller.name?
P rin ce Fantaslicus-Lookin g.smashingaltus; She didn't say.
Dog: Oh. Her address?
Hou,nd: I-et's get this straight' You want us to find a nameless,addressless, phone- numberless person?
P ri n c e F an I as t i c u s - Lookin g s n:rl,s h in g abus,. yes. (M u mb I es t ohimselfl Well . .. muybe I'm a bit hard of hearin g. (Loudly to de-tectives) That's what I ouf uou for, to solve thi unsoivable, tc.[d,ttr e un fi n da bl e,. r o fi {.r";;, ;f' : ;; sco v e r.a b I e, ro rh a k e-possible
the impossibl"! N;*;d;i i lJi i porriur. _ solve, f indand discover! i ,
Dog: Any clues at all? ]P rin c e F an| ast i ctts_Lookin gsmash in g a brs., No, noneat all. Wait, there is one. That's her slipperl (points tofallen slipper.) And she did say thar slie lives sixty-
, J t lrree miles away.
ffi :'J-: ii l5ffil,H xTiTxJ f, f,' ff ,H,y'sixty-three mile radius. That shouldn't be too dift icurt,should it, Hound?
3
-7Hound: Royal figule? You mean round ligure!
'lhat
slipper wouldn't fit you if it was stretched ten times.
Take it off at once and give it to her .. . the quiet
Pretty one.
(Points to Cinders.)
Dog; i dunno. I'm afraid to go back to baie' Hc can be -!
really mean at times, that ?r-ince Fantasticus-Lookingsmash.ingabus! What's that noise?
(Enter obnoxious and Brutal, slapping Cind,ers around. the head Brutll:H.ul But that's Cindels!
andpi tshingher,) ! : i l l t l ! ' i ; i i i i ; i i ' : : ! \
r "i"&:9, , o.bnoxious; She's oniy a small soot-sweeping cinocf
obnoxious(ou4t"tlit+bffuC cieaner' .l'
/ r - ^ - - - - - ' - - . ^ t
Brutat:you iittre brat! why didn,t you crean the kitchen noor f,:iij;Jj||*J#,n:}jj,:"rt,|,T,!ii:ffiil.-^i""SIast n ight?
. do i t !
t l ts r tur 's rur r 'e ' rvreur
lbnoxious:Yeah, where were you? @rutal hands Cinders the shoe reluctantly. Cinders
cinders:I went to bed early. I had an awful headache. tries it on and stands up')
Brutal:you,il have "*ors"
one when we're finished Cinders:i think it's a little tight. You see, I dirced so
*i,t yoo.
(Thq,'re just about to give her a beating when Hound Dog: (escitedty) Call lhe Princel We've found ber!
calls them.)' Hound: (roars)Prince Fantasticus-l'ooking
Hound: Ladies, ladies, please - no violence! Now " smashingabus!then, that's better. Now, ladies, it is our duty as per' * - --- ---:^r-r,oJ a.t..tiues to His Wonderfulness Prince Fantasti' Dog:Thatwas quickl
cus-Lookingsmashingabus to find the owner of this Pince Fantasticus'Lookingsmashingabzs: You bet -
siiver siipper. She who fits the shoe shall fit theiole ."^,*y n* hearing aid is-a dingerl lt's herl She's a little
of princess. rrr u' Juue 'rq' ^* r'v rv '(
{airty, uof,"iti, I good bar of soup til-. *tJ::::::,
" dreis-making, add a nice'@g ';'-Yes' my rnncessl
Obnoxious:It's mine! It's got me written ail over it! By the way, what's your name'r p''1t2
r call me Cinderella'Brutal:How couid it be yours wheu it's just asking Cinders: Cinden' But you can
iormv left foot' *,,., '''t
ffi.t't,flifffL.oo sottoos. can he come to live in
(Thq push and shove each other in their efforts to the palace too?
grab the shoe from the Hound.) bfH r ^^,.!--otb'!io PrinceFantasticus'Lookingsmashingabus:oi
Dog; Ladies, please. One at a time. Good. Now would t[r..*,J
course he can. I need someone to look after my
-vou please sit down and wait your turn.
Abnoxious: It fits, oh it fits. lt's so comfie, oh, it's like a ciean nappY
on a baby,s bum. I,m going to marry a prince. "'-" q vteq'r "^"t Buttons: can I what? They don't call me Jockey
Dog:r'mafraid you get noughr out of ten for that tittte act. Nate '"ffiryy;n t*:ttt: the wav' boss'
theElephantwouidhaveabetterchancethanyou'Nowtake. i tof fxah&oiAid-gutsswhat ' folks?Yes'you'rer ight 'and give that brutal-iooking sister of yours a chance. LY.V,^: - they all lived happill,evgr afrytl
1 17- Nt flot -? ?)d-/ k (" 9*h huu'
Brutal:How did you know my name, sweetie? ' "
;_ _ X:i:(:f;:j,_ "in:;::lry;!:Bears'
King'
Dog; Hurry up. we haven't got all dav. CJ{+ aueen anafl'f"
W&*"i4:ffKBrutal:Ooh ... I felt thatl -' Xing; Well, did you likdthat story)' 1^
f"c(-
r (Slre is about to fight but looks at Dog and Hound Wolf 1: It was brilliant!
", who are in no mood for any more nonsense. She tries lYolf 2z Fantastic!
'on the shoe') wo{f3: superr'llt's
perfect. Oh goodness, I was made for this slipper.ilhank vou, God, for turning me into a royal figure, Daddy Bear: Very interesting.
i il,Iammy BearzTouching. (Wipes tear from eyes.)i
'i.-*-
aby Bear: I loved it, especially the Ugly Sisrers.
t--/
You see, your majesties, we always thought youhumans thought that you were all beautiful.
Daddy Bear: All humans look the same to me.
Ivlanrmy Bear; Do you have any more wonderfulstories like that - with horrible humans in them?
Prince: Thousandsl
Queen: Mill ions!
Xrng; Quintri l l ions! Have you ever heard of ,Snow
lVhite and the Seven Dwarfs'?
.Al l :Nol t . fz / l r I
ilnlfL I0, (., l{; (oKing:Bring on the'Snow White' story. Comc,f{iends, let us sit and watch more fun in Blunderland!Narrator: See her? That's theWicked euein.,Do you knowwhy shg's mad angry? Well, you see, she recently marriedthe King. He and his first wife had a beautiful child calledSnow White. When his wifedied, the King married again.His new wife, here (Fnsbwickd Oueen) used to bb the mostbeautiful woman in the land. Every day she would ask herh{agic Minor who was the fairest of them all. The Minor used torepll', 'You are the most beautiful in all the world!' But onedav the Queen got a nasg shock. (Exit Narrator,)
lllicked Queen.'Guards, bring in my Magic Mirror.
Guard 1: Will that be all, Madam?
lf icked Queen: Yesl Now get out!' i
Guard 2: Certainly, your most wonderful one.
Guard 1: Just call i f you need us, Madam.
Guard 2: Yeah, just give us a shout. - | - y
lYicked Queen:Get out! \{ *
(Exit Guards.)Now, then, what have we here?
lYicked Queen: Okay, let's begin.Ir,[irror. Mirror on my wall,Who is the fairest and the most gorgeous
of them all?
Reflection: Not you, you ugly-looking bat.
lYicked Queen: How dare you!
(Slrc slaps Reflection's cheeks - at the same tinreRefiectiotr slaps her back.)
i}ollr; Ouch! Don't do that againl
lYicked Queen: l-et's start again.
Ivlirror. Mirror in mv hallWho is the prettiest of them all?
Retlection: Not you, you horrible-looking cowl
llicked Queen: What are you talking about? What areyou saying?
Reflection: It's quite simple. Up untii now you usedto be the most beautiful woman in all the land. Butnow I'm afraid that your lovety step-daughter SnowWhite is more beautiful.
Wicked Queen: What? That's crazy.
Retlection: Sorry. I may be a Magic Mirror but I have' to tell the truth.
lYickedQueen: Guards! Take it away.(Enrer Guards. They remove Mirror.) C .,/Huntsman! (Enter Harry Huntr^on.1 )y'9
hlw)Huntsman: You called, your highness.
lYicked Queen.'Take Snow White to the forest andchop out her heart. Leave her for dead.
Huntsman: But, your highness, that's murder in thefirst degree.
lYickcd Queen: Just do as you're told, Huntsman, oryou too wil l get the chop.
(Both exit. Enter Nanator.)
Narrator: And so poor Harry Huntsman had hisorders to chop out Snow White's heart and leave herfor dead in the forest. But the question is: was HarryHuntsman hard.X.enough to hatchet hearts so heart-lessly?
(Exit Narrator. Enter Snow lWite with Harry Hunts-man.)
Snow lYhite: You've been very quiet today, Harry. Isthere something on your mind?
Huntsman: No, oh pretty one.
Snow |Yhite: You seem very downhearted - in fact,quite brokenhearted.
Htrnlsman: (he brealu down in tears) Oh, Snow
White, I have instructions to chop out your heart and
leave you for dead deep in the forest. The Wicked
Queen is jealous of your beautY.
SnowlYhite: But that's crazy.l 'm only eight.
I luntsnan: I know, but she's so jealous her mind's
gone wild. She wants you dead. Finito, Caput. Bye
bye forever!
Strowll 'hitc: But, Harry, you're not going to ...
1^r'
Htntsmii: Of course not, I haven'i got the heart. ButI cen't bring you back to the paiace or we'l l both die.I ') l just leave you here. I know there's a gang ofdwarfs around here somewhere. They'll find you soonand probably adopt you. Goodbye, l i tt le one.^ A '\
ff,.^$nr<,a(Exit Harry.)
Snou'lYhite: Come back, Harry!Harry ... Oir no, I 'mall alone, But wait. What's that I hear? .. . the pitter-patter of tiny voices. It must be - the Seven Dwarfs.
AttD*'arfs: Y"h((q II I l l I
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, h' \'rfr/'
It's off to rvork we go,We work all day but get no pay,HiHo, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi, Ho.
Dv,arf 1: Hey. Who the hell is she?
Dvarf 2: My God, she's ta l l !Dx,arf 3: Pretty too!
Dtarf 4: Pretty awful!
Dx'arf 5 : Ah shut up, Grumpy,
Dx'arf 6: Don't mind him, he's always grumpl'. Hehates everybody.
Dwarf 7: Who hates everybody?
All Dx'arfs: Ah rvake up, Dozy!
Dv'arf 1: Now, dear, don't worry. lf you're lost we'l ltake 1'ou home. We know this forest like the back ofour hands, don't we, boys?
AII Dwarfs: Sure do!
(Enter Narrator.)
Snou'lYhite; But it 's not that easy.( {Strc ntinres an es:plartation. The Dwarfs mf,ue ,e-l'
f_sponse,) )
Narrator: Snow White explained her problem to Docand the rest of the dwarfs, They told lrer not to worry,and just as Harry Huntsman predicted they adoptedher. She worked in their t iny cottage arrd kept it niceand ciean. But that's not the end of this l i tt le storv. ')
(Exit Narrator, Snow Wtite atrd. Dwarfs, Enter '
\2"
Guards carrying Rcflection, Wicked Queen. Theninte game behveen lYicked Queen and Reflectiortbegins again)
' lYicked Queen:
lr{irror, Mirror on the wall; Who is the fairest of them all?jI
i
\ Rellection: Not you, you wrinkled wartface!
White? With her our of the way who could possibly '-o be more beautiful than I?
ReJlectio n : Snow Whire !
lYickedQueen.' But she's dead. Harry Huntsman choppedout her heart.
Reflection: Oh no he didnlt.
lYicked Queen: What?
ReJlection: He hadn't thc heart to chop out her'heart.
Wicked Queen..Then I'll chop out his. Guards, getHarry Huntsman and bring me an axe! .
Guard 1: Too late, your highness, Harry's hoppedit on horseback.lYicked Queen.. Take this mirror away, I'm going tofind Snow White myself. I'll give her this poisoned ^tapple. When she swallows one bite; she will sleep Vf-
Wicked Queent: Tell me, dear, would you know whereI might find the Number 22 bus stop?
SnowWhitez Sure. Yori walk four miles east, You\ 7come to a huge oak tree with a sign saying 'Numbe{
22 bus stop two miles north'- you can't miss it. / \
lYicked Queen: Oh thank you, little girl: Please takethis apple as a present from me for your help.Srrotv lYhite: Oh thanks! l,{:i:rn ... I love apples.(Takes huge bite.) Aagh aagh! ... (She falk to thefloor, holding onto the apple. She keeps the apple shehas bitlen in her mouth.)
Wicked Queen: Ha ha ha! Now that's the end of her.Ha ha ha ho ho ho!
All Dwarfs: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work *. SnowWhitel
Dtvarf 6: Quick, call Doc!
D*'art 1: I'm here. (He feels her pulse.)
Dx,arf 2: Is she dead?
Dwarf 1: No. But she's in a deep sleep. I reckon she'l l
be l ike this for about one hundred years. Unless ...
AllDvarfs: Unless what ...?
Drvarf 1: Unless a handscme prince can come alongin a flashlDwarf 2: But where are we going to find such a guyin this forest?
/uick:you caried, oh littje ones? t Queen: whar's rhat noise?
nce Fiashinquick! f:::;r"^"t you someone staying here at the moment,
'inquick: The very man! what seems to w+ft: pfr.Maybe it,s bursiars.at Snow White,)w - '-"""' " t"'E'J
problem! Mammy Bear" No. This is a Iovery neighbourhood -teePmg beauty! No probtem! tlrj,r *"nrn;g,"r.ii'rE"E
E"n'" head and the piece of apple falls out' ' nony aear: rknow. i ui.t it,, Gordilocks dnd herwntre wakes up')
[o,,y fri;n; i;;-n.a nioing Hood. come out herewhite: Mv prince! i;;.*.
messers and ler's bd il;;;y;rn,!1",.,
D_addy Bear; Hold it, son.';::;';;"1"]1,0""""'
^A, ?t(- t., tr.,ffirliouthishandandstandsinrrontqrBoly
:'if 'v;#,r,l;:'.',[ff j;,;,',n]il,:;ll,l,if ii;,yl'^stalk ' .
_-. ut:d 0*?.t/"|hfu purrn,Hey, i think it,s time!Queen:'Rumpeistirtll*,
, . , iF %Cr; ,l d//; rime ror what?Prince:,AJi Baba', ,AJaddin,s
I-.g1ol. ,<
King: r-ook, i'u teu ,"",*nr, *f*iIffi r:ri^rt*'' fr[sAtf,ko'Queen:Time to go and rive happiry ever afrer.
i:,'li,l,':""!!iffi:ili*fi il.'**:n:i;,.* Babv Bear:No, ver (Looks at watch):ilSi1l?,',:ii.'J; rI: ,l 'i'" i.i.'.'ito",. or,n. .4//: No?' honcsriyl
' "'cn rnvolve you and rewriti iii.* *o*
]..aby Bear:Hey ... you could call our srory ,Boldirocks and the
u.o,,":to" There are still three seconds.' hree Super Bears'.
.-v'er rvLr\. d'u ine Ail : Three ... trvo ,. . one ... ByEl ByEl ByEll] 'otf 3: you could cal i my story ,Litt ie Dreaded Riding Hood,Me ets Won der Wojf,.
I
/AI IDwarfs:Mygoodness! ( lvr lC Lt^K4
u: : r l , " - -"stLQunasnndsinfrontofBa!
m::ii$,:1.!:-"1Yhite mer hero,in.J. ii., L'
f *':;:"*:; llo:" Iand where peopre andr married the following.y.:k i" "
it"g. .Jrrr"";fin. t animals should live together i" lr#"ii.' """
Flashinquick paiace. All the dwa-r-fs-ati-nd.O. Oo.was best man and they all had r gr;;;; Apart, rhat Baby Bear: But, Dad, they started it.is' fiom Grumpy! snow white, frin., rirrrri,iqui.t
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7 Daddy Bear; I know, but we can,t afford to continue.::.rt'1l,','""ry,ffffiTtil'r".'.o,!|j oi-r'i'na' 'na, I - ? i ,r,'t,io"y *.,u. seen the rrrior-rny troubie in,.;:"'":
" "):4T"JL vtusl9-ei';;.'il",i.
wc Y€ s€€r the rast oran\Exrt Jnow rvhitercast indNarrator. Enter xirg, -{ff^rl
!j:!,yrotrue, Daddy Bear. what h:Queen, Prince, wolves and Bears.) , to say for yourseives? lve you two gotBaby Bear: That was a fabulous story' Gordirocks:*.':: sorry, Bears, but we didn,t reariseMammy Bear; It brought tears to my eyes. such a
that animais had feeiinis.- ---"' vur wr
sweet little giri.Daddy Beai: I love a happy ending.
rl'olf 1 : How many of these stories are there? my Granny't tt".:_t
l1o.. ".p ,rr. ,*'r, uoou, ,ouattacking her. I wr
y,rl,llli"ktheycourdrearycatchonamongthe ::Hiff'ffij::J$iJ'Jd:$ff';::i,:':#,animal children in Blunderland.
iii#!"'r.',T,T{HilTJrff;:ff1::r';. #*ir*ii*#itiiff:;:r;it,:.'odd animal programme. rrv'r t 'E consider' Attacking grannies ii1 giu. nl. a bad name.
Kto,B..,j,j iHrLLERi .r.,, ..i:.MILLER I S' DAUGHTER
RUMPELSTTLTSKIN
2
l l ved a K1ng. He was
into gold.ne .
f see { spools ofw111 th ink of sone
f ' l l have you r head
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I
t{EssENcnR\effir eu4fpSTORY TELLER
had one .Jaurt, he iovea di:-;;-";"'ii*ululj"Et*rlir[lget nore. /one dav bls nessenfei was i i i - l t " "" t r 'age] rHTILER , bou are such a good sweet chird. vou turn/cver'r,are such a good_sweet child you i"ir iZ"erythlng|+ffl3tl ;,,::"^:Tasserati paea, -vJ"-iiv*tiii
##u!;=iJi"r'lfl"MTLLER : Hush ch l ld !SToRYTELLER : And do you know the nessenger rushed back to i lre parace tote l l t he K lng .
iiiiiry!lg,".ir::i,*:*":il;"n::::"";l:". n"riT the vilrase the word is, rheKrNG: Wel l ! what ' ! s keep ing you ? re tch-cne-g i r r a t once !HESSENGER : yes your ul je i t i t_r t r i i - rn i i ru#-vour HaJesty.K ING : I ' l . I danse a j i g_ i f i h rs works .s,W6aptue-.messe-fg"e?t6tr rri}'ui"fi"
-]'r-a f cffine?r rhe sirr.KrNG : Now deai, ru! alons into rnv
"5i i"r ,"p;- i ; ;G-lei " ; a spinrng wheerand a l i t t l e heap oFs t ra i i o r you to sp ln i n to so ld .DAUGHTER, i
""ii";';i_;;ril"j!5.i"'-'3oi?.tn":lt;"n:::.Krl{G : Jaretlr ! guaid'the 6oor careful ly ionight, sh€ migrrt }rant to r*naway.GAURD : yes s i r ! What ever you say Slr .DAUGHTER : oh Fiss! what am.r-gotng to do? How can r .do something grat rsi r l rposs lb le . (s ta r ts to c ry )
-on a6a i i '
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; :$: t : wel l l l t t le " s i r l ' wr,ai-- t i r to you sive rne i f r turn ur is hay inro
DAUGHTER : r am ,,"iy noor.ll (*,0* oofui*f *o ftua ld$..sXil:ii'- T"I 3ff;:":n:":"1d rins vo"i'irt#'' e'1" voui r IlgYfEL : Risht - 1"! me set crackins ?- , Qof$:I3:XT:1":*;-:: T.:'I:1 :::_n:1r-: ,;g soon nuu G":lr-ef/Hiread ready.DAUGH?ER:Herer ! t1e r ingasp ' " ' i " " i i a : " . i I " f f i | tECt | . l I eaqy .STORY : The s,trange lit$ man aisapp""i"6l in t l ie mor-ning the klng cane roopen the workroom.Ki l tg : - opeu up Jareth, t@. Hhat is th isgo!.d thread. Tha'u rs rarrffi i""i *or" g"rdl-ireward fo r you l a te r . a l yDAUGHTER : your Highness please fetl)ffe go [omeKfNG:Not yet . Tonlght you wi l l sp in t " i " t -as much, orso see to i t !
: sood Klng but heaDout how he could
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DAUGHTER : Oh have ltt f donrt care anylnore.sToRyTELLEn : so once nore tbe funny lltt1e nan sat down at the sPtnnlngwheel and worked for a few hours. In the nornlng all was ready.KING : Gaurd open up. tthy - yes nore gold He.Ll-done-Jy dear. Just onenore tlme lf you do thls you !t111 be ny Queen'DAUGHTER : Pllase donrt aak Ee to do 'tbls your Hajesty'KING: Thls is the last t lne. Jareth gaurd the door l tonlghtDAuGHTER : tonlghi lft. i" i i nothlng I can do' :";RUMPEL : oh yes there ls . t^-Y
' DAUGHTER : oh no there lsn ' t . V-RUMPEL : Do you pronise ne whatever I ask'
fiioijliit* i""ii'r have nothine to sive vou. h . ^I nuMpsl : That is not what r ask. sr r f ' \ t ' (
I i je i j iH ieR ; i -n ive 'not t r lns, but I suppose I '11 g ive vou Xh[ t Y]u ask.t+uupsL : Right t t is done ! ; . t , l - t l
s@o* - ( . eL >cc5: KING: l fe l l now-ai -e you mi deJr , yon look pale but we wi l l be narr ied soon.
STORYTELLER:And so they vtere.The Klng spent rnuch of h is t ine naklng h iswi fe happy.The fo l lowi .ng year the Queen gave b i r th to a beaut l fu l babyg1 r l .She was th r i l l ed .
- KfNG:Now we have everything. r,,f-.STORYTELLER:But that n ight the- l i t t le funny man came to see the ygungQueen.
I RUMPEL: f ,nr here to col leqt . f ' l I have the baby.. DAUGHTER:Not our baby anyth ing e lse.Oh please s l r I never d ld you any
harn.why would you harm ne.RUMPEL:TeI I you what i f you can te l l ne teI l r i re ny nane at the end of threedays you can keep your baby.Other-wise the baby is nine.sToRYTELLER:tlr€-trtrfday th6 Queen sent her neiseirger all over the country ^ L-r,' seirchlng for nanes.On the }ast f lay the ggitCd*..Fd lnterestlng news, g$t+.e.4-
j GUARD:Your Majesty,I saw ti?!te" funny l lTtle rnari sdylng.pobody wil l guess ^ri l\. ny nane for lt is RUHPELS?ILTSKTN
DAUGHTER:Oh thank you ,you wil l be rewarded:. ^ n
SToRYTELLER:T I ra t n i gh t . I t ' r _ _ {RLTHPEL:HeII have you had any success.d\\Ue-{ 0\{ nV\ 4+E-DAUGHTER: I s l t .Ch r i s tophe r ? -z \ \
3xU:il,iT"l"t""3f,;ffif( \RUHPEL : No i t is no! , ?DAUGHTER : Is it ;#+t?crry ? lh{T f.RUMPEL : No i t i - s no t
rt,s rnpdilibiS.ldear. .tlretb You fiuard the
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naq->'--)-nllIer' s daughterT€6alght.
4: Oh Sir
: Ndbense neGUARD ! Yes Your HaJestY.DAUGHTER ; O dear, what w111 I do ?RU'|PEL : Oh - here I an aga1n, tblsyourre wear ing.
DAUGHTER : Is it Joseph-Hary-Cet'dldlRUMPEL:Of cou rse no t .DAUGHTER:Then is i t Rumpelst i l tsk in&UHPEL: (BANCING HIS FOOT ON DOHN} .
t lne Ir11 have that lovly ndchlace that
t1\ f [cHow d id yor r f ind o t r t .Yo t r must be n lag icSTORYTELt ,gP.^ :Wel l ! He was so mad he s tamped h is o t i re r foo t so hard tha t hed issapesred t l r rQ i rgh the f l .oQr ; .And d , r yo i , l kn , rw hhat?The K ing and Qr reenand the i r bab l ' . l t l d a l . l . thp i f FeqPle l i ' , ' ec i happ i l -v ever a f te r : . I I
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