ODYSSEY 201958

Every day Carl Wayne Denney or his wife, Tuesday, becomes a teacher forLivia, their 13-year-old daughter. Livia is one of five children and the seconddeaf child of Carl and Tuesday, both of whom are also deaf. They haveenrolled their daughter in schools and programs around the country, but theyhave not been able to find a program that can provide the support they need. Itis the Denneys’ desire to protect their daughter. In their search for theappropriate school, they have experienced objections to Livia’s enrollment inthe school and ostracism from the community and other parents. Parents havetold their children not to socialize with her. Then there was the man whothreatened to shoot her via an online forum following a news article detailingher daily struggles. This is because Livia is a transgender female. While the sexthat she appeared to be at birth was male, she never felt male; instead, sheidentifies as female. Below, in a Q&A that Odyssey did with Denney via e-mail,he reflects on schooling his daughter academically and in life.

ODYSSEY: How did you feel when you realized that your daughter was transgender? DENNEY: My wife was the first to realize it. She was watching “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” andOprah had a mom, the author of the book My Princess Boy, as a guest. The way the authordescribed her child described our child, too—exactly. My wife decided to initiate aconversation. She asked Livia—who was living, of course, as a boy—if he liked dresses, and hesaid, “Mommy, I am a girl.”As for me, I am a man who is very much into athletics, fitness, competition, and the jocular

culture of brotherhood and fellowship. When my child was born, I saw a son and I saw myselfcoaching him. He would play football, and he would be a tight end. He was going to be abasketball center. A baseball catcher. I have three other sons, and I coached them incommunity basketball and football. I also coached the prolific Indy Hawks, who captured three

Photos courtesy of Carl Wayne Denney

Carl WayneDenney graduatedfrom GallaudetUniversity in 2000, wherehe was a dedicatedintramurals participantand a past president ofthe Student BodyGovernment. He hasexplored the continentalUnited States, working atvarious state schools forthe deaf as a teacher,dormitory supervisor, andpublic relations specialist.Denney and his wife,Tuesday, are the parentsof five children, two ofwhom are deaf. He livesin West Virginia, wherehe enjoys reading,working out, andspending time with hisfamily. Denney welcomesquestions and commentsabout this article atindyhawks@gmail.com.

Q&A with Carl Wayne Denney

Advocating for a Child Who Identifies

as Transgender:A Parent’s Journey

2019 ODYSSEY 59

national club championships in the mid-2000s. It is rare fora Deaf father to have a Deaf son and be in an environmentin which they can be on teams together, and I had beenlooking forward to sharing those father-son moments.

ODYSSEY: How did you and your wife initially respond? DENNEY: First, we tried to negotiate … be a girl at home, bea boy at school. It didn’t work. It was too complicated and,basically, what we wanted as opposed to what she wanted.We were letting society dictate us instead of what our child’sheart was desiring, so we chose our child and never lookedback. Now we have a daughter, and we are all in. Wesupport her all the way.

ODYSSEY: What happened then? DENNEY:We allowed our child to be who she wanted to be.As simple as that. My wife took Livia to the store and let herbuy dresses. Our son became our daughter. The difference inbehavior was night and day. She was a brand new person.My wife says she was like a butterfly coming out of hercocoon. She started talking—signing with us—constantly,and she hasn't stopped since. She is so full of life!

ODYSSEY: Was the transition easy?DENNEY: Perhaps it was easier than the alternative—accepting a thoroughly miserable child, knowing the suiciderate is high among the LGBTQ community with those whoare or were repressed. We had not been able to understandLivia’s behavior. It was okay with us that our child playedwith dolls, but when she was a boy she was so unhappy. Shehated school. She would take off her clothes in the car—andonce she threw her shoes at me while I was at the wheel. Iwas driving down the road dodging flying shoes. Shewouldn’t sign to us at all. We had three sons prior to her,and I had never experienced anything like this before. Was it a struggle at first? Yes. At first, I didn’t understand.

I questioned myself. I wondered if, after three healthy andrambunctious sons, I had made a mistake somewhere alongthe way or maybe our child was just feminine (which isperfectly fine). The struggle was not about Livia’s sexualitybut over why she was having those terrible temper tantrums,those angry fits. Those scared me immensely. Only later afterwe watched and researched into this online—where verylittle information was available, combined with our first-evervisit by a Child Protective Services (CPS) representative whocame to investigate why our biologically male child was

Left: Livia, age 13.

PH

OTO

CR

ED

IT: C

AR

OLY

N R

OC

KO

W

ODYSSEY 201960

going to school sometimes wearingfeminine clothing—did we begin tounderstand. The CPS representativeexplained that it was burgeoning, andthat many people—children, teens, andadults—were becoming more and more“themselves,” shedding societalexpectations of them and simply beingthemselves. Livia was one of them, andthe CPS representative was verysupportive, leading us to furtherinformation and exposure. With thatknowledge, we realized her fits of angerwere all over having to wear male clothesto school. Happiness was having her wearthe clothes she wanted to school. Man, Iwill forever cherish the memory of herbeaming when she walked to the schoolbus wearing her dress and shoes. I wasapprehensive but decided if this is whatshe wants, she’s got it.

ODYSSEY: You realized Livia wastransgender when she was around 3 to 4years old. Since then, you have movedoften, and Livia has been in severaldifferent schools. Would you talk aboutyour experience with this? Did youadvocate for her?DENNEY: Yes, we’ve had Livia in a hearingschool and schools for the deaf. It hasn’talways been easy, but it hasn’t always beenhard either. We have had a variety ofexperiences in different schools for thedeaf. Some schools were wonderful andaccommodating but we couldn’t affordthe cost of living in that area. Otherschools struggled to understand what shewas and what we were experiencing asparents of someone very different thanyour normal everyday child. With time, the receptioneverywhere was very much more accepting. Within a three-yearperiod, society had evolved; people everywhere were outwardlyfine with the transgender image. (We do not advertise ourchild—this is an important thing to understand; we accept herfor who she is, but we do study society at large.) Still, therewere some ongoing unfortunate incidents in the community. Ionce had my driver’s license withheld at a local hospital whereI took her for a suspected severe ankle sprain because they weresuspicious as to why my son (as named under the insurancecard) was wearing female clothes so they called CPS, as Imentioned earlier. Lucky for us, I had notes detailing who shewas when we arrived to register, and the interpreter assigned

had previously interpreted for us atacademic and community events. Thiswas an example of an isolated incidentbased on suspicion and fear. Needless tosay, we never returned to that hospital.When life took us to a different state,

we once again explored local schools. Inone school, the reception waslukewarm—not just because Livia wastransgender but because we were from the“big city” and we were “outsiders.” Liviadidn’t face adversity, but there was somereluctance as to her enrollment. Therewere some brief spots of turbulence thatcaused us to step up and advocate for ourdaughter. For example, she wasrecommended to be suspended for 10days for using the girls’ restroom. We hadto step up then and advocate—and thediscussions were forceful; I mentioned“lawsuit” and then school officials checkedwith their higher-ups and finally agreed toallow her to go to whichever restroom shewanted. This is the most common-sensicalsolution to a very nerve-wracking issue,symbolic of a national struggle. In anotherschool, she excelled academically andearned high honors but was continuallylonely and alone. We have alsoexperienced ongoing accommodationissues, mistrust, and a lack of fluentsigners. It took an emotional toll on all ofus and still does to this day. Sometimesstanding up for your daughter meansaccepting advocacy must be done inanother environment. Homeschoolingseemed to be the solution. We pulled herout and put her into a homeboundprogram via the deaf school.

ODYSSEY: How is the homeschooling progressing? DENNEY: Her mother and I do our best. A nearby school forthe deaf is in the process of hiring a teacher who willvideophone/teach her four hours a week. Livia is intelligent.She keeps up with her schoolwork and is just about on gradelevel. She gets great language exposure at home. Still, nothingbeats being part of a school with its full offerings—academics,social life, sports. I earn a good salary, but I am alwaysexhausted due to the long commute round trip and overnightworkload. Livia is also struggling with loneliness; she needssocialization. Our future is up in the air; we are looking atrelocating. In the meantime, we’ve set up a small personalhome business so Livia can be self-sustaining and maybe have

Make sure your

child’s rights are

protected, that

your child is not

ostracized, that

your child has the

same opportunities

as everyone else.

PH

OTO

CR

ED

IT: C

AR

OLY

N R

OC

KO

W

some funds set aside for the future surgery she will needbecause the job market isn’t great, especially for those uniquelike herself. It’s growing little by little as home businesses do,but Livia’s helping with it and doing a heady job for someoneonly 13.

ODYSSEY: Are you close as a family? DENNEY:We used to do a lot of stuff together as a family. Now,our two oldest boys (24 and 20) are on their own. Massimo(16), Livia, and Noelle (10) are still at home. Everyone signs;our deaf children are fluent in English as well as ASL, and ourhearing children are fluent in ASL as well as English. Sincemoving to our current home state, we’ve gone on hikes,checked out some beautiful overlooks, and we love going to thebeach. We are close-knit but everybody also has their owninterests. I encourage independence. I’ve been everywhere andam still curious about other locales. I encourage the kids to dothe same.

ODYSSEY: How did Livia’s siblings adjust to the change? DENNEY: They struggled at first. Massimo struggled becausethey were close in age. Noelle has always seen Livia as who sheis—her sister. Everybody has long accepted her for who she issince she was 3 or 4; that’s a decade now. She’s a great kid, agreat sister, a fun conversationalist with a wicked sense ofhumor (just like her dad), and a very loving and caring person.She’s close to her mom, and she looks up to her.

ODYSSEY: What is the biggest issue facing Livia right now? DENNEY: The biggest issue? It is society. I think in some areasof the country, yes, society and many individuals accepttransgender people. However, there are people who still freakout when they see the word transgender. We don’t advertiseLivia’s gender identity, but it always comes up in schoolconferences. Professionals will sign to us: “DO-DObathroom?” The answer is always simple: Let her use herpreferred restroom, which is the girls’ restroom, and leave herbe. Other than that, schools are the least of her problems.Today, many people are supportive. After what we’ve beenthrough—accepting our daughter and then advocating for herboth educationally and socially—we have been asked for advice,and we give it the best we can. Neither of us is a licensedprofessional in whatever field, but we have the best knowledgeof our own daughter’s persona, which is: Let the kid be.

ODYSSEY: Having experienced so many different educationalsituations, do you think of yourselves as experienced parentadvocates now? Do you have any advice that would helpother parents? DENNEY: Our advocacy centers on Livia, and we give peoplewho ask for help the same advice we gave ourselves. Make sureyour child’s rights are protected, that your child is not

ostracized, that your child has the same opportunities aseveryone else. We don’t lecture or give workshops becausethat’s not our thing. We go for a common-sense approach andleave it at that. Don’t go insane when people don’tautomatically accept your child—give them time to adapt andovercome set prejudices. Often, kids don’t want who they arediscussed or advertised; they just want to be left alone to dotheir thing like a normal kid … but this means parents ofchildren like Livia must work with the school to ensure theirrights and get the education to which they are entitled.

TIPS FOR FAMILIES ON

Supporting TheirTransgender Child

By Larissa Clapp

Larissa Clapp, MA, is a counselor at the Laurent ClercNational Deaf Education Center’s Kendall DemonstrationElementary School. She is also the co-creator, with KDESpsychologist Blake Culley, of the Clerc Center’s newLGBTQIA training (see p. 86 for more information).

• Seek support if possible (e.g., online chat groups,informative links, organizations, other parents oftransgender children, experts).

• Familiarize yourself with the latest laws and legalrights that impact your transgender child so youunderstand to what they are legally entitled.

• Recognize that your child has their own uniquepersonality, mind, and journey.

• Become comfortable with advocating for the well-being of your family, including your transgenderchild, and teach your child self-advocacy skills aswell.

• Remind yourself that positive family support canliterally save the life of a transgender child.

• Realize and embrace the fact that there will be somechallenges and difficult moments, but there will alsobe many beautiful milestones and memories.

2019 ODYSSEY 61