10 tips to improve communication with your teen · 10 tips to improve communication with your teen...

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10 Tips to ImproveCommunication with Your Teen

10 Tips to Improve Communication with Your Teen

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10 Tips to Improve Communication with

Your Teen

By Roy Petitfils, MS, LPCCopyright 2015


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You want to have better communication with your teen. You’re tired of the rolling eyes, the folded arms and blank stares. You’re worried your child growing up in a rapidly changing culture. And when you try to talk with them about your concerns or to find out how they’re really doing you become frustrated, unable to get more than one word answers out of them!

In this book I will teach you step by step how to communicate more effectively with your teen. These are the same steps I’ve used to communicate with the most resistant teens over the last twenty years.

Over the last ten years using them to reach teens they once thought were unreachable. This is only guide book that will help you to reach and influence the teens in your life by helping you


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When you feel like communication with your teen is not where you’d like it to be, you may try to “get down on their level.” There’s nothing wrong with that, just make sure you bring your adult self with you when you get to their level. Teens don’t want parents to be their friends, and they won’t respect parents who try to sound or behave like their friends.

Try this…

Use your own language. Many parents try to hard to mimic the language of teens in an attempt to get them talking. Teens think: “They’re trying to hard and its not genuine.” By all means, keep updated on what your teen is into. But speak to them in a way that is natural and authentic to who you are.Tell them how you feel. When you feel like you don’t know exactly how to “put it” or say something, say that to your teen. Say “Look, I don’t know how to say this the right way, but …” and then say what you need to say. Teens place a high value on authenticity.

Be Yourself1


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Parent: “How was your day?” Teen: “Fine.”

You hate that, right? Of course you do. You care about your child and you really want to know what’s going on in their world. And you want them to know you care. The problem is, that’s not the question that’s going to get you what you want.

Try this:

“On a scale of 1-10 how was your day?” (they’ll always say five)“What would have made it a 9?”“Why wasn’t it a 2?”Rotate with “How was your day?” This is still a good question to ask, because it lets your teen know you care. Just lower your expectations for what they’ll share with you when you use it.

Ask Different Questions2


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Asking permission to talk about a particular subject shows respect and gives your teen power to choose. In any parent child relationship, parents have more power (even if it doesn’t feel like it). Asking permission levels the playing field and gives teens a sense of ownership and will increase their participation.

Application

Ask: “Would it be OK if we talked about ______?” If they say “No, I don’t want to talk about it right now”, respond “OK, I hear you. But I feel like this is something that needs to be discussed. Give me a time within the next day or two (or however long you want depending upon the urgency of the issue) that you want to talk about it.”If that doesn’t work say “OK, I need you to look at me and put your phone down. I get that you don’t want to talk about this, but help me understand: ‘What about this _______ (issue) is hard for you to talk about?’” If they talk, listen.

Ask Permission to Talk3


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Teens want to talk, but when they suspect you’re not really listening, they’ll clam up. This is the most important communication tool-period. Often teens don’t want to talk because they know that it won’t be a “discussion” where both of you will really try hard to listen to the other, but a one way or even two way talking, shouting, lecturing match.

People, especially teens, listen when they feel heard.

Try This…Make it a point today to really listen to your teen. Listen for what’s being said as well as what’s not being said. Listen for the emotions underneath what they’re telling you. Are they scared? Sad? Frustrated? Aggravated (angry)? Awkward? Embarrassed?

Listen, Listen, Listen4Ask Permission to Talk


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Tell them what you’re hearing “It sounds like you’re pretty angry about that.” And let them comment, if you got it wrong emotion, they’ll say “I’m not really angry, just aggravated.” You might then ask “Hmmmm… what’s the difference for you between angry and aggravated?” Finally, you can ask them “Do you feel heard?” or “Do you feel like I’m getting you? Understanding you?” If they say no, ask “What am I missing?” and then listen carefully again.

This might feel awkward at first, but it communicates to your teen that you care about what they think, feel and say. It says “I care about you so much I want to make sure I’m really understanding you.”


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For some, being vulnerable comes naturally. But for many it does not. It is a skill that can be taught and learned. Vulnerability is simply allowing others to see more of you than meets the eye, especially the imperfect parts of you.

Perfection is unattractive. If your teen sees you as perfect, or even worse if they see you thinking of yourself as perfect, they won’t connect and communicate with you. This does not mean relinquishing your role as a parent, nor does it mean confessing your sins to your teens. It really begins with you knowing that you’re not perfect—really knowing the ways you can grow and areas of your life, personality that could use some work.

Try This…

Admit that you don’t have it all together and you know you’re not perfect.Ask them “What’s one way I could be a better mom? Dad?”Remind yourself “I’m not perfect and neither is my teen. And that’s OK.”

Be Vulnerable5


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Many parents are reluctant to apologize to teens. Perhaps they feel like they’re lowering themselves or relinquishing their position of authority. Yet imperfection is a part of our humanity. There are times every parent reacts inappropriately, says or does something hurtful.

These can be powerful moments of connection and communication with your child, if you’re willing to apologize. Apologizing expands and deepens the potential for effective communication with your teen.

Try this…Be sincere.Apologize for what you believe you did wrong.Apologize for how they felt, even if your intention wasn’t for it to be hurtful.Express empathy “I can’t imagine how that felt for you when I…”Ask for forgiveness. Assure them its OK to feel how they’re feeling.If your teen wants to talk at any point, stop and listen. You can always pick up where you left off.

Apologize6


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Most parents say 50% more than they should when talking to your teen. Today’s teens are watching more and listening less. You can easily overload them with the spoken word, especially if you’re verbose (like me!).

Try this…Be aware of when you’re repeating yourself.Ask “Is what I’m saying necessary?”Ask “Have I said enough to make my point?”Ask “Am I listening twice as much as I’m talking?”Process what you want to say with a friend or spouse first. Remember, there’s always tomorrow.

Say 50% Less7


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The human brain, especially during childhood and adolescence works incredibly hard to grow, change and interpret life. It needs to take a nap once and a while, even when we are awake. It prefers to take naps when the body is still. By moving our body we wake our brains up. The teenage brain needs and takes more naps than the adult brain and the teenage boy brain needs more naps that the teenage girl brain. Talking while moving helps to keep them engaged in the conversation.

Try this…Walk while you talk. Walking not only keeps the brain awake, but has the additional benefit of allowing teens to avoid intimate eye contact. I know! Mom’s love this! But, chances are, your teen (especially your teen son), does not. Walking helps them to feel less vulnerable and increases their likelihood to talk.

Take a Walk8


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It’s easy to assume you know what your teen is thinking during a conversation. Every parent loves those body language cues indicating their teen agrees, understands, and is willing to do, feel, think or believe what you’re asking of them. Teens develop behavioral habits that do not reflect their thoughts and feelings at that moment. If your teen usually slouches when talking to you, don’t read that as apathy, it may just be a habit.

This is important because if we’re assuming we’re not getting through to them, or they don’t care or any other negative assumption, that will affect how and what we say to them. There are times when your teen might not be resistant to what you’re asking of them but your escalating frustration causes them to resist.

Try this…Be aware of what you’re feeling when talking to your teen.Question your assumptions of what they’re thinking or feeling. If in doubt, ask them what they’re thinking or feeling?Anticipate, prior to the conversation, how your teen might act, and prepare yourself to stay calm and collected.

Stop Mind Reading9


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As trite as this sounds, research proves that smiling drastically increases other people’s receptivity to our communication. It communicates to your teen that you still love them, despite their behavior. It communicates to your teen that you are a safe place for them to communicate with you.

This is not about being fake. It’s about communicating to your child what you most deeply feel which is your love for them and desire to protect and help them. What is your normal facial expression when talking to your teen? What would it feel like to smile while having a difficult conversation?

Try this…Today, make an effort to smile more.Put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror that says “smile”Pay attention to the difference it makes in your relationships, especially with your children.

Smile10


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About Roy Petitfils

Roy Petitfils, LPC is a best selling author of What Teens Want You to Know But Don’t Tell You. Roy is an internationally recognized expert on teens. For over 20 years he has worked with teens as a minister, teacher, school administrator and now as a Licensed Counselor in private practice. Today he inspires and helps parents deal with their teens, through his writings, speaking appearances, online courses and coaching. Find out more about Roy at www.roypetitfils.com

Smile


10 tips to improve communication with your teen · 10 tips to improve communication with your teen...

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