In an effort to stimulate theeconomy and create new jobs,Bucks County is planning ondemolishing Tyler State Park,to build a Super Wal-Mart.

Tyler State Park, where stu-dents go to hang out whenthey are not studying, consistsof 1,711 acres in BucksCounty on Swamp Road.There is original farmland andwoods surrounding the park,that includes trails where peo-ple can bike or fish.

The park is scheduled to betorn down on July 4th, when

Shockingly, PETA hassued Mother NaturePETA is claiming that MotherNature is abusing animals everytime it rains cats and dogs

Toyota installs ejectionseats on newer carsIn the wake of Toyota’s gas pedalissues, owners can now ejectthemselves safely...sometimes

Lady Gaga speaks hermind about healthcareShe has dropped the mic for a fewminutes to speak her mind onAmerica’s healthcare policies

New parking lot isplanned for BucksStudents will have a new area topark their cars, and a place toenjoy many different amenities ▷4 ▷5 ▷6 ▷8

Goodbye park, hello Wal Mart

▷ Continued on page 2

centurion@bucks.edu | Our pictures: flickr.com/buckscenturion Weather on back page

ALSO INSIDE

Geese strike back!While you mayhave thoughtwe were safefrom the geeseon campus,maybe youshould thinkagain...

A different kind of love Tiger Woods at BucksOur love colum-nist HopeKumor takes alook at a lovelike none other

Tiger Woods has madehis way to Bucks topractice alongside ofthe golf team inpreparation for theMasters

PAGE6 PAGE 11 PAGE 12

bucks-news.com

NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS

Bucks County Community CollegeThe week of April 1, 2010Volume: 45 Issue: 12

BY: MATT FLOWERSCenturion Staff

people can enjoy a specialfireworks show from thewooded area, until they aretold to get the hell out.

One unemployed studentsays he will be the first in lineto apply for the new MegaStore. “They offer greatopportunities. I’m glad theyare doing it. The one thing thiscountry needs is another Wal-Mart,” says Eric Treehorn, 19,a Retail Management major.

The retail complex willinclude 1,200 acres for theactual store, including foodand apparel, and 511 acres fora parking lot where you canbe shuttled to one of the five

entrances.According to the captain of

this operation, Mayor DennisO’Brien, this venture will cre-ate more than 1 million jobs,mostly workers for the store.

“I’d be a real idiot not tobuild this thing. Don’t youjust love those $5 DVD bins?”says O’Brien.

Mayor O’Brien is also beingpresented with a brand-newNintendo Wii, from thefounder of Wal-Mart stores,Sam Walton. “I like MarioKarts the best,” O’Brien says.

For students who will worryabout not having a park or nat-ural surroundings with woods

to play in, Carrie Deload, newmanager of operations there,shed some light on the situa-tion.

“At the end of the parkinglot, we will leave a tree wherestudents can sit under andhang out. We will also be giv-ing away free gift certificatesto the first 100 students whoshow their Bucks CountyCommunity College studentID’s,” states Deload.

The new Mega Wal-Mart isexpected to be slashingunemployment rates byThanksgiving weekend, 2010.

OperationsmokerwipeoutBY: JOHN MACDONALDNews Editor

"Finally we have the where-withal to totally eradicatesmoker terrorists fromBucks," said recently-appoint-ed Bucks security czar,Colonel Ramsey "Ramrod"Jackson, in announcing thatBucks has retained mercenaryfighters from Xe (formerlyBlackwater) "for the finalassault on the smoker terror-ists."

“The planned offensiveagainst smokers will take placesometime during the first weekof April,” said Jackson, whoprefers to be called Ramrod."We're announcing it now sothat all students will get theword in time.We don't want them to get

scared when they see our mer-cenaries in action and thinkthat our country is underattack."

Innocent student casualtiesare expected.Although Ramrod assures thestudent body that he will doeverything to minimize casual-ties, he admits that "theseXe/Blackwater guys have beenknown to be trigger-happy inthe past." He says that casual-ties will be minimized if stu-

NEWS2

Editor-in-ChiefIan McLean

Managing EditorLiam McKenna

AdvisingTony Rogers

Senior StaffNews John MacDonaldEntertainment Luther AndersonFeatures Annmarie ElyStudent Life Jesse TroutSports Liam McKennaArts Jim O’NeillOp/ed Hope KumorAdditional StaffAlejandra Lewandowski Matt FlowersDaniel Carvalho Matt KinseyRonald Palmieri Sarah BattistaRosalie Napoli Amylynn BellingrathMatthew Stumacher

To receive the Centurion’s Email Edition:Register at www.Bucks-News.com and a .PDF versionof the newspaper will be delivered directly to your emailbox.

Letter PolicyLetters should be limited to 300 words. They will be edited forspelling and malicious or libelous statements, and may be editedfor space. Letters must be the original work of the writer and mustbe signed. For identification purposes, letters must include thewriter’s full name, address, and telephone number, although theaddress and telephone numbers will not be published.

Send letters to:The Centurion275 Swamp RdNewtown, PA 18940Centurion@bucks.edu215.968.8379

The week of April 1, 2010

▷ Continued from page 1

Final assault on smokers imminentdents just do everything thatthe mercenaries ask them todo.

Ramrod said that theXe/Blackwater team will belightly armed, "small arms,machineguns, rocket-propelledgrenades, that sort of thing."

"Our budget didn't allow usto bring in anything reallyexciting," said Ramrod, whohad hoped to be able to usearmed, unmanned drones totake out individual "smokerterrorists," as he calls smokers."That would have been fun,like a real live video game."

Ramrod denied that hisplanned military-style offen-sive on smokers and hisdescription of their smoking asacts of terrorism were in anyway excessive:

"How else would youdescribe the constant release ofhundreds of cancer-causing

agents into the atmosphere,endangering the lives of mil-lions of innocent people andchildren?" he asked.When this reporter responded,"I don't know, the usual corpo-rate way of doing business?"he pointed a handgun at meand said: "I'm going keep myeye on you. You might be oneof those pinko-socialist-com-mie-thinking liberals. They'regoing to be dealt with next."

"These smoking terrorists arethe gravest domestic threat toour security that we have everknown. Hundreds of themhave infiltrated our campus,each one armed with gas-pow-ered incendiary devices."

"You mean cigarettelighters?" I queried. "Cigarettelighters, cigarette lighters,that's all you think they are?A determined terrorist can

bring down an entire buildingwith one of those so-called cig-

arette lighters, more than onebuilding in fact. Let me tellyou, once I blew up an entirefactory complex using onlyour lighters. That was in ...never mind, forget I said it.Never happened. Wasn'tthere."

"Make no mistake about it,"he continued, "the campussmokers are determined.All day long we see them con-gregating in small groupsaround doorways, hatchingtheir evil plans while theyrelease noxious fumes, nodoubt."

"We've given these smokingterrorists more than enoughchances to peacefully leave,"said Ramrod. "When wepushed them to the outer edgesof the campus, many thoughtthat they would take the hintand leave peacefully. I knewbetter, and that's why I appliedfor a Homeland Security Grant

to give us the money to hirecompetent mercenaries forOperation Smoker Wipeout."

Ramrod's eyes lit up when Iasked him about some of thedetails of Operation SmokerWipeout. He began:

"We're not going to announcewhen, but on a certain day inthe first week of April, we aregoing to lock down the entirecampus by sealing off the maincampus entrances.Vehicles will be allowed in,

but not out.""All students will be told to

report to the cafeteria, wherethey will undergo searches toroot out the smokers."

When queried whether thesearches might violate stu-dents' constitutional rights,Ramrod responded:

"Students have constitutionalrights? Really? Who wouldhave thought? Well, no matter.It's axiomatic that you have to

give up some rights in order tolive in a free country."

"Constitutional rights areonly asserted by criminals,anyway. Innocent peopleshould be only too willing togive up their constitutionalrights in the war to defend free-dom," continued Ramrod.

"Any smokers caught in thecafeteria area will be arrestedand sent to one of our allies tobe dealt with." BecauseRamrod expects that a lot ofsmokers will attempt to flee onfoot into Tyler Park rather thango to the cafeteria area and bearrested, he plans to stationsharpshooters on the roofs ofPenn and Founders Halls.

Ramrod concluded with:"You put this in your paper,sonny boy, it's going to be openseason on smokers in April.The smart ones will get outalive before then and nevercome back."

Teachers’ kids teach at BucksBY: LUTHER ANDERSONCenturion Staff

As Bucks students returnedto campus from spring break, anumber of them were in for abig surprise. A number of theschool’s teachers had beenreplaced by children.

“Imagine my surprise when Iwalked into class and saw a 12-year-old attempting to lectureabout philosophy,” says NinaRitchey, a second-yearPsychology major.

It seems as though a numberof teachers misread the “Bringyour child to work day” as“Allow your child to workday.”

“I’m so embarrassed,” sayscomposition teacher Dr.Gilmore. Her 12-year-olddaughter, Felicia Gilmore,required students to write a500-word summary about themovie “New Moon.”

“I want the summary typedand on my mom’s desk by nextclass period,” said Felicia.

“For extra credit, do a shortsummary of the “Eclipse” trail-er too,” she added.

“I was more than happy to doit,” says self-proclaimedTwilighter Kelly McKeon.“Any excuse to see RobertPattinson,” the PhysicalTherapy major added.

Media and Society studentswere in for a treat as ProfessorDouglas Rosentrater’s 13-year-old nephew Stanley decided toact out an entire episode of thehit comedy “The Office.”When asked if teaching washard Stanley replied, “That’swhat she said,” apparently stillstuck in character.

Students were pleased not tohave to listen to a lecture dur-ing the class period but werestill befuddled by what theyhad just witnessed during the50-minute class period.

“That was by far thestrangest class that I have everbeen to,” says theatre majorAdrian Lopez. “Not sure whatto think right now,” he added.

Mike Misciagno, a journal-ism major, seemed to secondLopez’s notion. “No way didthat just happen,” Misciagnoadded.

Some students were disap-pointed to have missed whatturned out to be the talk aroundcampus. “The one day I actual-ly go to my classes I miss allthe fun,” says undecided majorTramaine Green. His teachersavoided the miscommunica-tion and were able to teachclass as normal. “Only me,”Green added.

Some students were morefrustrated than others. Mathmajor David Diaz can becounted as one of those stu-dents. In David’s calculus classProfessor Rafael Rivera’s 12-year-old son instructed stu-dents to do their one through12 times tables and bring themin for next class.

“This is ridiculous,” saidDiaz. “This is what I’m payingfor?”

Other students in the class

jumped at the opportunity toimpress their brief “substitute”teacher. “Finally something Ican actually do,” said Filmmajor Daniel Green. “On myway to passing this class,”Green added. Sorry Daniel.

College administratorsrefused to comment about theissue. “Mistakes were made”

said the school’s dean.Some students were happy

with the change in the normalcurriculum and some werefrustrated with what has takenplace.

But one thing’s for sure: Atleast for a day, classes at Buckshad never been more interest-ing .

A little girl being congratulated for her efforts in teaching philosophy

3The week of April 1, 2010

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NEWS4 The week of April 1, 2010

New parking lot plannedBY: DANIEL CARVALHOCenturion Staff

A new parking lot is plannedto be built providing Bucksstudents the adequate and con-venient space to park theirmotored vehicles, whichmeans no more searching for aparking spot every morning.The parking lot is currentlyin the process of beingapproved by the Board ofTrustees, and groundbreakingis expected to begin as early asApril 15, depending on howlong the board takes to make adecision.This new state-of-the-artparking complex will includean innovative parking garageopposite of the lot that offersBucks students protection fortheir cars from rain, snow, hail,and other weather phenomena.The actual parking lot thatwill be adjacent to the parkinggarage will be about two foot-ball fields long and wide, withup to 10,000 parking spotsavailable to students.This new facility will alsoinclude a bathroom complexon the east gate of the lot,along with a snack bar for stu-dents who are unable to nour-ish themselves before they getto school.The snack bar will provide anumber of inexpensive snacks,from pretzels to chips, cottoncandy, hot dogs, cheese steaks,filet mignon, cheeseburgers,chicken wings, and even icecream.Prices for the snacks rangefrom $8 to $16, a slightincrease from similar itemsprovided in the school’s cafete-ria, but now available at thenew parking complex for allstudents to enjoy.There will also be designatedtailgating areas so that studentswho attend sports events willhave the necessary locale toenjoy food and leisure inpreparation for the game.But there is one major issuedealing with this parking lotthat will upset students.If a student was to park atthis new facility, he or shewould have to buy a parkingpermit, giving access to the lotand the perks that come with it.If a student fails to pay for aparking permit or a permit isnot displayed correctly on thewindshield of the car where itis visible, students will befined $75 and banished fromthe lot.Each permit costs $2.50, and

the more exclusive designatedparking spots, such as the areafor tailgating, will be $5.Placed conveniently at theentrance of the lot will be elec-tronic ticket kiosks that accept$1, $5, $10, as well as coins atthe convenience of each stu-dent so that they can experi-ence everything the lot has tooffer.

The board explains that it isnecessary to charge the stu-dents because revenue wouldhave to be made back in orderfor this parking lot to even bebuilt.They felt that by charging thestudents for a one-day permit,they wouldn’t have to resort tohigher tuition costs. By doingit this way, many students will

actually save money.“The new parking lot will

provide students with a newexperience different than whatBucks students have ever seenbefore,” says Board of Trusteesmember Jeff Spiller.The parking lot will be erect-ed where the soccer fields arecurrently located, with escala-tors being built to help students

get up the hills.Though the parking lot willbe the farthest from the class-rooms compared to the otherlots, it is expected to attractmany students for its very neatfeatures.

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NEWS

Lady Gaga on healthcareBY: JAMES ONEILLCenturion Staff

Lady Gaga has always beenone to say whatever is on hermind, whether she is wearingher outrageous costumes (foran example, Google” LadyGaga Punk Rock GeometryClass”), yearning for both menand women or responding tomedia speculation about heralleged extra parts.It came as no surprise thatwith the passing of PresidentObama’s new healthcare plan,she put on her poker face andgave her two cents.“Rah - r ah - ah - ah - ah - ah !Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!” she responded withslurred words and bloodshoteyes at a local Burger Kingwhen a reporter asked heropinion on the healthcarereform passed earlier thisweek.When asked to translate fromLady Gaga speak to English,she proceeded to tell “Mr.Discoh Stik,” Russian Rouletteis not the same without a gun,and baby when it's love if it’snot rough it isn't fun.”Asked to elaborate on thissupport of healthcare reform,

she said, “Wish I could shutmy Playboy mouth.How'd I turn my shirt insideout? Inside out, right.”When informed that her shirt

was in fact on the correct way,she validated her support forObama and his reform yetagain, adding “I'm your biggestfan and I'll follow you untilyou love me.”Miss Gaga is reported tohave a “pre-existing condi-tion.” The condition would becovered by the United States

government under this newhealthcare plan. When pressedfor details about the conditionGaga responded, “I'm on amission, and it involves someheavy touching' yeah.”When asked to elaborate onthis, she said she would neitherdeny nor confirm the allega-tions at the time, telling Stik to“Call all you want, but there'sno one home and you're notgonna reach my telephone.”Towards the end of her inter-view, Gaga was finishing up

her Whooper Jr. and polishingoff her eighth diet Coke. Shewas asked if there were anysuggestions she would offerMr. Obama to regain his popu-larity (she has had six top 10singles in the past year; he cur-rently has a 31percent approvalrating. Approval has droppedfrom the 50 percent rate heheld when he was sworn in).“Boy, we've had a real goodtime and I wish you the best onyour way,” she replied.When asked if this meant she

felt President Obama was los-ing support, she put her sun-glasses on, adjusted her leatherone-piece and said, “JustDance,” before spotting AmyWinehouse and waltzing overto discuss the finer points oflarge hair and paparazzi.Lady Gaga has spoken toyou, President Obama.And heradvice: “Just dance.”

NEWS6 The week of April 1, 2010

Toyota installs ejection seatsBY: SARAH BATTISTACenturion Staff

TORRANCE, Cali - In lightof Toyota recalls all across thenation, Toyota announced theywould be installing ejectionseat in their vehicles.Back in 2009 recalls on more

than 2 million Toyota vehiclestook place due to floor matscoming unsecured and causinggas pedals to stick.Toyota President, Akio

Toyoda said, “I assure our cus-tomers Toyota is moving to fixproblems that led to a recalland to regain the trust of con-sumers; this is why I havedecided to install ejection seatsinto our vehicles.”After the recall, Toyota held

a meeting with hundreds ofToyota dealers around theworld, at which they tried tosolve the problem of not hav-ing their vehicles stop proper-ly.“I was unsure how we could

fix this problem at first andthen it hit me like one of ourcars flying out of control.Ejection seats!” said CodyLusk, president of theAmerican InternationalAutomobile DealersAssociation.After getting the approval

from the chair board members,Toyota was full go on design-ing the perfect ejection seat.Only after few months of

testing these seats ,Toyotadecided to release the Driver

Interion Exsit 9000 (alsoknown as D.I.E) into their2010 cars. Over two million ofthese seats were installed.Taylor White, 23, a 2010

Toyota Corolla owner said, “Iam so glad Toyota fixed theproblem with their cars run-ning out of control. I’ve onlyhad to use my ejection seatthree times.”Toyoda was afraid of losing

out on their millions of faithfulcustomers after the recall, buthe felt that this was the best

line of action.“When we announced to cus-

tomers we were installing ejec-tion seats in our cars peoplewere thrilled,” said Toyoda.At Toyota dealership around

the states they had a grand re-opening introducing the ejec-tion seats.Customers came far and

wide to test out the ejectionseats and have free refresh-ments.Confident with their decision

Toyota has sold over 89 thou-

sand cars and refurbished over1.7 million cars with the seat.The Driver Interion Exsit

9000, brought to customerfrom the same makers of theToyota gas pedal, has a newsleek look with four high-pow-ered engines, a parachute andextra cushioning for thoserough landings.Once a Toyota vehicle is

speeding out of control justsimply push the ejection but-ton.D.I.E. comes in six colors:

black, white, red, blue, hotpink and lime green.Toyota is still working out

the kinks with the ejectionseats including: the seatbecoming stuck, the roof of thecar not popping off when eject-ed, and having the seat ejectwhen it is not supposed too.If you have any questions or

comments call: 1-800-TOY-OTA Extension: D.I.E or visitwww.toyota/D.I.E.com

Geese strike backBY: AMYLYNN BELLINGRATHCenturion Staff

Last semester, we reportedon the great strides that Buckswas making to help keep thegrounds free of geese and theirwaste. The groundskeepers hadbeen training their dogs tochase the geese from certainareas of campus, claiming thatthey were dirty and left drop-pings on the walkways andgrassy areas.Well, the geese are back!

And they’re ANGRY!A new strike force, entitledQ.U.A.C.K! (Quackers UnitedAgainst Canine Killers) hasformed in Tyler State Park. Therevolutionaries have plans totake over the campus in thenext few weeks.

“We’re angry, man.That’s prime real estate forus!” exclaimed George, thehead goose of Q.U.A.C.K!“We’ve been here for years,and now they’re going to sickDOGS on us? That’s justrude.”“No one else is eating it,”

states George, referring to thegrass on the lawns of the cam-pus. “Why can’t we?

We’re not really botheringanyone.”Although the Centurion can’t

state for certain, as the lan-guage barrier between thehumans and geese complicatescommunication, it is believedthat a coup has been plannedfor the end of the semester.Watch this space for furtherupdates on the geese vs. Buckssituation.

7The week of April 1, 2010

NEWS8 The week of April 1, 2010

PETA sues Mother NatureBY: ROSALIE NAPOLICenturion Staff

In February 2010, PETA(People for the EthicalTreatment of Animals) filedsuit for another case for animalabuse. The person accused ofanimal cruelty goes by the titleMother Nature.It was found that MotherNature repeatedly allowedskies to rain cats and dogs formultiple days. The storms wereso severe that countless ani-mals were said to be injuredand killed.“How can she not now knowany better? For several thou-sand years this has been goingon, and someone needs to put astop to it,” commented KittyLitter, head representative forPETA.Their research goes back toancient days, when MotherNature was causing disastrousstorms to hit the entire country.“She won’t get away withthis for much longer,” Litteradded.If it is found that MotherNature is guilty, she will have

the punishment of a lifetime injail, which could affect theworld’s atmosphere.“It’s been going on for years!There are still plenty of ani-mals that can be treated ashouse pets. Leave her alone,it’s not anyone’s business,”exclaimed Summer Wither, anAmerican citizen, who isdefending the rights of nature.The problem with allowingMother Nature to be provenguilty is the reaction she willhave. She could cause a tsuna-mi, hurricane, even a landslide.“For years this has been theway we’ve lived. Why changesomething that works out fine?We can’t be overpopulatedwith animals,” August Knight,a meteorologist explained.“If we mess with MotherNature, it’s obvious that shewill mess with us. Let her befound innocent,” Knight stat-ed.Some feel that it will be easyto take down Mother Nature;they are prepared for what shehas in store.“BRING. IT. ON,” Bill

Terrier, a PETA supporterexclaims. He feels thatAmericans can out-numberMother Nature and he is readyfor whatever she has in store.“If this will save the animals,we can save ourselves,” Terrierfurther explained.Another activist that had thesame reaction when hearingwhat Mother Nature did wasRott Weiler. He has beenbreeding dogs for 20 years andhates to see this type of abuse.“She should be locked up,”Weiler stated.At a press conference,Mother Nature stated, “It isonly harmful to those who let itget into their heads. This hasbeen my responsibility and myduty since the world has exist-ed. If there is a problem, Iwould like to see these crazycats take over!”Ally Kat, an elderly womanwho owns over 15 cats, takesgreat offense to the destructionthis is having with her animals.“After the storm hit, my pre-cious babies were attacked bythe cats that survived the

Chemicals gone missingBY: ALEJANDRALEWANDOWSKICenturion Staff

Bucks professors havereported that stocks of variouschemicals in the college chem-istry laboratory are beingdepleted at a rapid rate.“I’ve always stressed to mystudents to take only theamount of chemicals neededfor an experiment, and nothingmore,” says Professor MichelleHoch. “These substances arenot cheap.”Students from all classes thatuse the Founders Hall labagree that they and their class-mates take no excess chemi-cals during experiments. “Ifwe’re going to be professionalchemists one day, we can’t bedraining research funds withwasted chemicals,” says SamHorton, 19, chemistry majorfrom Fairless Hills.Students report that chemi-cals are stored in oversizedjars, either at the front of thelab or under the fume hood,which drafts away harmfulvapors from volatile com-pounds.“The reactants are very care-fully guarded,” says MariaRomano, 20, biology majorfrom Newtown. “In fact,

insanely so. I don’t see whythis is necessary, being as theonly people allowed in the labare current science students.”Chemicals stored in the labinclude potassium perman-ganate, magnesium sulfate,ethanol, and hydrochloric acid.These and other substances canstain and dissolve textiles, burnthe eyes and skin, and causedangerous physical healthproblems if accidentally con-sumed.“Over the past few weeks,I’ve noticed the quick declineof our stores,” says Buckschemistry Professor Dr. RonButler, “Particularly theethanol.”However, students and pro-fessors have yet to witness anypilfering taking place.And now more than ever, pro-fessors are vigilantly lockingthe door to lab when it is not inuse. Bucks Campus Securityreports that every key of whichthey have made duplicates isaccounted for.“Each evening, I am the lastone up here,” says ProfessorHoch. “Nobody else is aroundwhen I close up; I make sure ofthat.” But quite consistently,the professors find, there are▷ Continued on page 9

storm. This not only affectedthe animals that rained downon us, but the animals that livehere with me. It’s a darn shamewhat this know-it-all naturelady does,” she exclaimed.A verdict has not yet beenreached in the case, due tocourt members not attendingthe trial. It has been continual-ly been postponed due to hurri-cane alerts, causing everyone

to stay inside. Is this yet anoth-er act of the infamous MotherNature?Only time will tell what hap-pens with this case. It will notbe easy to determine whatshould happen. If she is provenguilty, the world should bescared that they may not haveto wait until 2012 for it tocome to an end.

The

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PHOTOBYTHEDAUGHTEROFONEOFOURADVISORS

9The week of April 1, 2010 NEWS

Yellowstone may blowScientists are worried more than ever about Yellowstone blowing its top and wreaking havocBY: ANDREW FISHERCenturion Staff

The most famous nationalpark in the United States hasn’terupted in 640,000 years, butscientists and employees whowork at the park believe itwon’t be long before the parkerupts.Citing a huge increase ingeyser activity, earthquakes,land elevation, and animalsbeing poisoned from toxicgases, the scientists and parkemployees are getting moreconcerned every day.“I must admit that we do notfeel comfortable when ourtourists ask us if we feel thatthe Yellowstone caldera willblow its top off,” said parkemployee Jason Harrison.“The scientists here are thecream of the crop, and theirfindings make us worry andalso make us feel we are lyingwhen we try to assure ourguests that the world will besafe from Yellowstone,”Harrison added.It seems that geysers like OldFaithful and Beehive Geyserare erupting more often, andsome geysers have gotten sohot that they now erupt onlysteam. In addition to geyserschanging what they let out,they are also changing the waythe flora and fauna react to thenew air the geysers are mak-ing.More animals and plants aredying due to the geysersreleasing more toxic gases, andnow the park employees worryabout the safety of the tourists.“Making money is one thing,but when our guests get illbecause of our national parkpoisoning them, it not only

lowers our income but makesus feel really bad,” Harrisonsaid.Mini-earthquakes so smallthat people can’t feel alwayshappen at the park, but the parkgeologists are noticing a 35percent increase in the fre-quency of these quakes, a ratethat has steadily been risingsince the start of 2010. Itmight now only be a matter oftime before an earthquake of atleast 7.0 on the Richter scalehits the park and detonates thewhole supervolcano.As if an increase in earth-quake activity wasn’t enough,the areas of the park known asMallard Lake Dome and theSour Creek Dome have beenrising. These two areas havealways been known to havenoticeable changes in themovement of the ground, butsince the start of 2009 theseareas have risen 2 inches ayear.

This is a sudden turn ofevents from the gradualdecrease in ground rising thathad been happening since2007. An increase in groundelevation usually means thecaldera, or the area of thesupervolcano under the groundthat holds the magma, is fillingwith more and more magma.This is obviously not a goodsign for those hoping the parkwill not start the apocalypse.The idea of the world goinginto a global winter because ofYellowstone National Parkerupting is not all that far-fetched. The park is a super-volcano, which, as the namesuggests, is a volcano with aneruption blast that lets outenough debris to cover at least240 cubic miles.The Yellowstone supervol-cano usually erupts an averageof every 600,000 years, butwith the last one being 640,000years ago, the park is clearly

overdue.A volcano of this magnitudehas the power to shut downfood production in the bread-basket of the United States,which will in turn lead to notonly domestic famine, butworldwide famine as well.As any person who hasresearched historical faminesknows, after famine comeswidespread disease and anar-chy.Not only would the volcaniceruption cause a worldwidefood shortage, it would causelong, harsh winters and verycool summers due to the ashfrom the eruption blocking outthe sun’s heat and light onalmost the entire planet Earth.This would cause a hugedecrease in human populationand a noticeable decrease inplanet life in general.Unfortunately, trying to savethe Earth from an eruption isout of the question.

Any attempt to drill into thecaldera to drain the magmacould spell disaster. It couldvery well make the volcanoblow its top at the second thedrill hits the caldera.“You got a balloon that’sready to pop, the last thing youwant to do is prick it,” saidLawrence Joseph, author of thebook “2012 Apocalypse,”which was featured on a recentDiscovery Channel documen-tary which, coincidentally, wascalled “2012 Apocalypse.”The whole idea of the worldending on the winter solstice of2012 has also drawn interest inYellowstone erupting. RolandEmmerich’s recent movie“2012” included an eruption ofYellowstone that was due tosolar activity increases weak-ening the ground all over theEarth, which in turn caused theYellowstone eruption.Now, with actual park scien-tists having conductedresearch, Emmerich’s idea maynot have been that far off.Yellowstone scientist KarinaPopov weighed her extremeconcerns when she said:“Movies are movies, but ourscientific work does not lie.All this recent activity has ledmy fellow scientists and me tothink that the park may eruptany day. If Emmerich had itright in his popular moviewhen he showed the groundgetting weaker, I would have tosay that the idea ofYellowstone erupting whenthat happens will be 100 per-cent guaranteed!”Only time will tell if thathappens.

Lab chemicals missingchemicals missing the nextmorning.Bucks cleaning staff, howev-er, might have found a clue.“Usually the lab is impeccablein the morning, because sci-ence students are very good atcleaning up their lab space,”says Jim Stephens. “Butrecently, I have found napkins,crumbs, and even candy wrap-pers lying about. I don’t sup-pose it’s very safe to eat around

all these toxic chemicals.”Basic laboratory safetymeasures forbid the consump-tion of food in the lab. So itappears that the lab is beingbroken into while classes arenot in session. Security is con-sidering a correlation betweenthe break-ins and the missingchemicals.“Ethanol is just a fancy namefor grain alcohol,” saysStephens. “In its purest form,it is 190 proof.”Security has launched an

investigation as to how the lab-oratory is being broken into.The second floor lab’s windowand door locks show no evi-dence of tampering. “It seemsthat whoever has been break-ing into the laboratory hasaccess to a key,” saysStephens.Now, professors are eyeingone another with suspicion.Their jobs and reputations areat stake as the ongoing investi-gation looks for a scapegoat.One total mystery remains:

Why are other chemicals inaddition to the ethanol beingtaken? Potassium perman-ganate temporarily dyes theskin a brownish color, andcould possibly be used by localtattoo artists. Magnesium sul-fate is used in the care of mag-nesium-hungry plants such ascannabis, and can also be usedto re-coagulate lava lamps thathave been shaken too much.Hydrochloric acid can basical-ly burn its way through any-thing.

“Our greatest fear is that per-petrators will accidentally mixthe potassium permanganateand the hydrochloric acid,which evolves extremely toxicchlorine gas,” says Dr. Butler.“All we can do now is hopethat these criminals actuallypaid attention in class.”

▷ Continued from page 8

10 The week of April 1, 2010

Bucks County Community CollegeNewtown • Bristol • Perkasie • Bucks.edu

Where to learn. Where to return.

Career Services April EventsBucks County Community College

Dress For Success Fashion ShowTuesday, April 20, 12:15 to 1:15 pm

Gallagher Room, Newtown Campus Watch student models hit the runway and learn how to dress for success!

Mock Interviews Thursday, April 22, 12:15 to 1:15 pm

Student Services, Newtown CampusPractice and improve your interviewing skills. (Pre-registration is required)

Resume Frenzy Monday, April 26, 12 to 1:00 pm

Solarium, Newtown CampusBring your resume and get advice from real recruiters.

For more information visit us on the web www.bucks.edu/careerservices or call our office (215) 968- 8189.

10048

11The week of April 1, 2010 Features

BY HOPE KUMOROp/Ed Editor

Do you believe in loveat first sight? Well whetheryou do or don’t, this is astory about two who felt itfrom the moment they metat Save-A-Lot.“I swear I knew her

from somewhere. She waswearing a brown turtleneckdress down to her feet,white shoes and had prettyblue eyes,” said LarryCarter, 20, a film major.Larry started working atSave-A-Lot in June 2009.He said Mary Jenkin ofLevittown was someonequite special.“The first thing she said

to me was ‘Hello sonny;’ atthat point I was alreadyattached,” said Larry.Since Mary was the

manager, she and Larryspent a lot of time together.“While she was trainingme on the register, shewould take glances myway. She would tell me I’msuch a handsome boy,” saidLarry.On Larry’s third week of

working, he brought herflowers.“The moment she saw

them she smiled. I couldn’thelp myself, I was fallingin love faster than a chee-tah running and that’squick!” said Larry.The fourth week he

asked her on a date. Sheaccepted.They went to the Golden

Dawn, a local diner.Everyone her age gets thelunch discount special.

They shared chickentenders together. After thatMary said she was tiredand wanted to head home.As a gentleman, Larry

walked her up to the doorto say goodnight.“I knew what I wanted

to do. I was going to go forit. I kissed her,” said Larry.“To my surprise, she did itback.I asked her on another

date and she said ‘yes.”Larry was so convinced

they were meant to betogether that he startedthinking about wedding

plans and kids.“I really wanted to start

my life with her. Only her,”said Larry.

Others who workedwith them weren’t toosure about thecouple.“I knew they

were getting alittle close, but Ihad no ideatheywouldgo outon adate!Thatisnuts.

There’ssome-thingwrongwiththatboy,”saidAnitaRoy,23, anemployee atSave-A-Lot.Martin Sure,

25, anotheremployee said,“I was thinkingabout asking herout myself, butplans change.What are you gonnado? Is that a slice of pizzayou’re eating? Can I have abite? Okay. That’s all Ihave to say.”“To be honest, I think

it’s sick. They don’t evenlook good together,” saidBrenda Marin, 24, anotheremployee.For the next couple of

weeks they went out to themovies, the mall, to thepark and they even triedhorse backing riding.“That hurt my butt. I’m notas young as I used to be.But I’m falling in love withLarry. He’s so romantic. Heleaves special notes on mydesk at work. Here I’ll readyou one:

Mary: I love your lips. Ilove your long dresses. Iwish you had moreequipped hips. I love yoursweet kisses. I love yourcute laugh. I cherish all thetime that we’ve spent. Ilove you.“Oh. He’s such a

poet and he didn’t evenknow it. Ha-ha,” saidMary joyfully.

Amonthlaterandall

of

thosenotes,Larryaskedher tobe his

girlfriend.“I knew her

husband passedmany years agoand I was sympa-thetic to that. I toldher whenever sheneeded her space tojust tell me,” saidLarry.Mary was a lit-

tle uneasy about theirrelationship at first, but astime progressed, she lethim have her whole heart.“Oh Lawrence is such a

sweetheart. I just wonderwhy so many people stareat us as we walk into thegrocery store holdinghands.“It’s okay. He also taughtme how to text! I love it!”said Mary.Larry wanted to ask her tomarry him, but at thatpoint, they had only beendating for three months.“I swear to you, she is theone for me. I’ve never feltthis way about a womanbefore. I love how she

pulls up her socks all theway up to her knees,” saidLarry.After their six-month

anniversary they began tofight more andmore.“ He start-ed nagging

me about everylittle thing.

That’swhatmyhus-

bandused to

do. It both-ered me, soI broke itoff.“ I need

to datesomeonemy ownage any-way,” saidMary.Larry

was heart-broken, buthe found

another lady in earlyMarch.“When she walked into

Save-A-Lot with her grayhair, I knew she was agreat catch.I flirted with her as I

rung up her order. I askedher on a date.She accepted! Now

we’re just hanging out.“Who knows what the

future will bring,” saidLarry. “I know one thing; Ilike women, not girls.”

A differentkind of love

“To behonest, I thinkit’s sick. Theydon’t evenlook goodtogether,”saidBrenda Marin,24,another employee.

“The firstthing shesaid to mewas ‘Hellosonny,’ atthat pointI wasalreadyattached,”said Larry.

In an attempt to join thegreen movement, Bucksofficials have said they willallow students to camp outon campus from Mondayto Friday while classes arein session.“Allowing the tent com-

munity cuts down on allthe gas students wastecoming back and forth,”student life director MattCipriano said of the plan.Professors like the plan

as well.“I’m behind this deci-

sion 100 percent,” saidProfessor Smith. Smithnoticed that students whotent show up on time.If they don’t, he knows

where to find them.So far eight tents have

been set up in the orangery.“I love waking up to thesculptures and the beautifultopiary,” said RachelMerson, 18, a freshmanmajoring in biology.Merson said she became

homeless when tuitionwent up. The tent commu-nity has been a lifesaverfor Merson and many oth-ers who are struggling topay tuition and the cost ofbooks every semester.“I sleep in the orangery

from Monday throughFriday, “says Merson. “Onweekends I park my car inthe Wal-Mart parking lotand camp there.”Bucks has designated a

staff supervisor to makesure that the communitydoes not vandalize thecampus or haul in fourkegs under cover of thenight.The staff supervisor is

blowing a whistle tonight.Apparently one tenter hastried to take over another’shome. The student is beingdragged helplessly aroundthe orangery by a barrel-chested man who isdemanding his tent.“I need this tent,” says

the barrel -chested man tothe hippie boy. “You justwant to save gas! I needthis home,” he screams.

Tents oncampussave onfuelBY ANNMARIE ELYFeatures Editor

SPORTSThe week of April 1, 2010

THU April 173° | 43°Sunny

FRI April 275° | 45°Sunny

SAT April 375° | 46°Sunny

SUN April 473° | 46°Mostly Sunny

MON April 569° | 44°Mostly Sunny

WEATHER

Woods is tuning up at BucksAs the Masters draws near, Tiger Woods has been practicing with the men’s golf teamBY MATTHEW STUMACHERCenturion Staff

After his long stint frombeing away from the gameof golf, Tiger Woods isready to return to the golfcourse for the Masters.But he has been workingon his game while he wasaway, and he was spottedat the Bucks campus.Woods has had such acrazy start to the New Year,starting back in lastNovember when hecrashed his car whilepulling out of his owndriveway. Then Woods wassent to sex rehab afteradmitting to having sexualrelations with variouswomen.He has come out andapologized to everyone hehurt. Last week Woodsannounced his return to progolf, and he is scheduledto return to this year’sMasters from April 5-11 atAugusta National golf club.To get himself preparedfor the Masters Woods has

been spending time aroundthe Newtown campusunder heavy guard, practic-ing with the golf team.Woods has been teachingthe team some new golfmoves, and how havinglarge 9 irons can help youwith the ladies.Woods has been told notto come in contact withany of the girls on campus,and to keep his putter inhis pants. Woods will belooking for Bucks tobecome one of his newsponsors. The school hassaid it will agree only ifWoods wears a Bucks t-shirt while playing in theMasters.Woods arrives at Buckseveryday around 4 p.m. Hedoesn’t drive himself to thecampus because he isafraid of backing into oneof the beautiful trees locat-ed around the campus.Woods has his driver bringhim everyday to the backof the gym’s entrance so hecan get in without anyonenoticing him.

Woods then meets theteam on the practice fieldto get some practice swingsin and to work on his driv-ing. Woods seems to behaving a good time work-ing with the Bucks golfteam, giving the teampointers for their openingmatch against BurlingtonCounty.Woods is expected to playwith the team in their firstmatch; to do so he willhave to pass himself off asa college student.Woods has picked out adisguise and a fake nameso he will not draw muchattention. He will be play-ing under the name CharlieSheen, which is verystrange because Sheen hasalso had problems withbeing in sex rehab; it’s apretty bold move by Tigerbut we’ll see how it pansout for the golf champ.Even though the Mastersbegins the same day as theBucks golf team beginstheir season, Woods willcompete with Bucks first

and has ordered the PGA tohold off starting his matchuntil he arrives. If the PGAis smart they should listento Woods if they want tomake some money.Remember to come outand watch the Bucks golfteam with their special

enforcer Tiger Woods, oopsI mean Charlie Sheen,playing Burlington Countyon April 5 at 1 p.m. here atBucks. Then go home andcatch Tiger Woods makehis comeback to pro golf atthe Masters from April 5-11.

Brett Favre is an EagleThe ex-Viking joins the Philadelphia Eagles as both a quarterback and a head coachBY MATTHEW STUMACHERCenturion Staff

Quarterback Brett Favrehas decided to join thePhiladelphia Eagles. Theone-time Green Bay PackerMVP and Super Bowlchamp followed hisPackers career with a yearwith the New York Jets andthen a year with theMinnesota Vikings, wherehe reached the NFC cham-pionship game.The Philadelphia Eagleswill trade DonovanMcNabb along with headcoach Andy Reid for thefuture Hall of Fame quar-terback.“After a long run with

Donovan and Andy we feelBrett would fill our quar-terback and head coachpositions in the directionwe want to go,” EaglesOwner Jeffrey Lurie said inregards to the trade.Favre will groom youngquarterback Kevin Kolb,who is famous for being abullfighter during his offseason.“I am no bull, Kevin isgoing to really have towork hard to keep up withme, I may be a little olderbut I still got some fuel leftin my tank,” Favre said inregards to Kolb studyingand training with him.The Philadelphia fans

seem to be excited aboutthe new quarterback andwhat Favre will bring tothe table.“Finally we got Brett, Ialso knew he would be agreat player for us, but agreat coach too, what a 2for 1 special that is,”Philadelphia native and fanDJ Jazzy Jeff said.Owner Jeffrey Lurie isgetting quite a deal onFavre.As a quarterback, hesigned a one-year deal withoptions for the next tenyears. Each year is guaran-teed to have as much timeas he wants to think aboutcoming back.

Favre can think about thisdecision at a lake house inMississippi, paid for by theEagles. Favre is also guar-anteed two steak dinnersand 100 hours of ESPNdrama discussing his possi-ble return or retirement.In addition to Favre andKolb as quarterbacks, theEagles also have formerAtlanta Falcon starMichael Vick. Vick hasmade tremendous progresssince being released fromfederal prison on dog fight-ing charges. Vick recentlyjust purchased a puppy, afemale Maltese namedSnowflake.“I love having Snowflake

around, I get to put littleribbons in her hair andwalk her in the park, shereally puts a smile on myface, and I have a new-found love for dogs,” Vicksaid in regards to himbecoming a different typeof dog owner.“Kevin and Michael willexcel under me as theircoach, who knows howlong I will be around forbut I promise the city ofPhiladelphia the same thingI promised the four othercities I played in, that I amhere to win,” Favre said inclosing in his press confer-ence.

PHOTO COURTESY FREE-EXTRAS.COM