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5th Draft. Updated 7/7/2017. 1

The Buttslasher(A Melodrama Based Upon a True Story, in One Act)

byAndy Rakerd

Characters (in order of appearance): Jerry Sensor– The slasher’s first victim. Age flexible.The Buttslasher - Age/Gender flexible. Likely played by other actors in show.Heck Bills – Detective, Male. 40s or 50s.Jo Finlayson – Bartender, Female. 40s or 50s.Karen Bently – Chief of Police. 50s. Potentially gender flexible, with pronoun changes.A police officer - Age/gender flexible.Genevieve Bills – Female, around 18 years old?Jogger - Age/gender flexibleEric Balls - Male, 20s or 30s.Detective Heart – Male, 40s or 50s. Gender flexible, with pronoun changes

Scene 1(Lights up on HECK, alone onstage)

HECK(Narrating)

It’s the darkest night of the darkest month of the year in a ghost town that used to be my home. Stillwater, Minnesota. This is my town, and I have been the keeper of her secrets. Now there’s one secret that overshadows them all, and it’s fallen to me to drag it into the light, kicking and screaming if need be. I was a lousy husband and a lousier father, and a mediocre beat cop in a town that would just as soon beat on without me. Well, I’ll hang up my badge and my gun with a smile on my face if I get this one thing right. The sickest bastard ever to breathe the crisp air of the St. Croix River is finally being taken down tonight, and I’m going to be the one to chap his ass for good. As I envision how it’s all finally going to end, I can’t help but think back on how it all began. It started less than twenty-four hours ago with a beautiful broad, a whole lot of booze, and a scream like a dagger in the night.

(The lights change, and HECK exits. A street at night. JERRY walks home alone. THE BUTTSLASHER appears, dressed all in black, his/her face concealed by a mask. At first, the BUTTSLASHER is unnoticed by JERRY, and slowly creeps up on him. As he gets closer, JERRY notices THE BUTTSLASHER and is startled.)

JERRYOh, Jesus! You scared me there, pal.


(No response from THE BUTTSLASHER.)

Um…uh…kind of a cold night, huh? Yeah. I’ll bet…I’ll bet that’s why you got that mask on, huh? It’s cold outside. No other reason than that.

(No response)I’m…uh…Jerry. How’s it…how’s it hanging, friend?

(No response. THE BUTTSLASHER pulls out a knife.)

Oh, no. Please…please don’t hurt me. I beg ya, pal. Here, look!(Pulls out his wallet and produces cash.)

You can take anything you want, man. Just don’t take my life. I got money. I got credit cards. Shit, man, I’ll strip down and hand you my goddamn dirty drawers if you’ll just let me go.

(THE BUTTSLASHER shakes his/her head and moves closer.)

Oh, god, what do you want? Please don’t hurt me…(THE BUTTSLASHER motions with his/her knife, indicating that he wants JERRY to turn around.)

What’s that? You want…? (JERRY turns his back on THE BUTTSLASHER, who gestures again with the knife. “Bend over.”)

Oh, come on. Come on, man. You don’t mean…(THE BUTTSLASHER nods)

No. No, no, no!(JERRY bends over slightly at the waist. THE BUTTSLASHER approaches)

What are you gonna do, man? What are you gonna do?(THE BUTTSLASHER stands just behind JERRY and raises his/her knife into the air.)

W-W-Wait a second, man. No! No!!(The lights black out, and JERRY shrieks in pain.)

Scene 2(The Backside Pub, owned and operated JO. She’s working the bar, perhaps serving a few other patrons. HECK enters, still dressed for work.)

HECK


(Narrating)The Backside Pub: a watering hole for functional alcoholics, the clinically depressed, and desperate singles. Guys like me. But there’s one face that shines like a twinkling star on the blackest night. Joanna Finlayson. Now there’s a dame any bozo should make a point of knowing. Even after a dirty, sweaty night peddling the sauce to bums and harlots, she glimmers like a fallen angel, exiled from heaven for tempting the would-be pure. No guy has ever been lucky enough to snag her. It ain’t ‘cuz she’s shy, and it sure ain’t ‘cuz she’s homely. Word is she’s never stopped pining over the one who got away. God knows why.

(Approaching the bar.)How’s the night treating you, Jo?

JOThe night never knows how to treat a lady…not until one heck of a guy comes along to sweep her off her feet. What’ll it be, Detective Bills?

HECKWhy always with the formality, Jo? You know I’ll take the usual.

JOSmirnoff Ice, coming up.

(She opens one and hands it to him.)

HECKI need a little firewater to wash my mouth out after the shit I had to swallow today.

JODo tell.

HECKNah. A classy dame like you oughtn’t have to smell the stink of my garbage.

JOOh, Heck. You’re sweet for trying to protect my innocence, but you’re a few years late. Spin me your worst yarn, and I’ll knit you a sweater with it.

HECKI responded to a domestic dispute case this morning. The neighbors heard some screaming, and something that sounded like gunshots. We arrived on the scene to find a shrieking woman, and a dead guy dressed as Batman.

JOMy god. What happened?

HECK


The lady and Batman were romantically involved, but it turns out, Batman was taking up residence in another man’s cave. He was some local preacher man. He’d been making regular house calls to hear the lady’s “confession.” A neighbor called the husband to let him know something was going on at his house. He showed up, and it was good night for the dark knight.

JOSuch a tragedy.

HECKOf course we had to arrest the husband, but no justice was served today. I tell ya, Jo, there’s no sense of common decency anymore. Even a preacher man ain’t above gallivanting around with a Jane that belongs to another John.

JOMaybe he really loved her.

HECKA guy shouldn’t go all half-cocked over some swaying hips and fluttering eyes.

JO(Pause)

There was a time, Heck, when you would’ve gone gaga over a pair of heels and baby blues yourself.

HECKJo…

JOThere was a time when you would’ve put on a cape and flown to the moon and back just to see me smile.

HECKThat was a long time ago, Jo.

JOIt feels like a moment.

HECKThat was before I met my wife. We were just kids back then, Jo.

JOWe were old enough to know what love is. You remember that night, on the hood of your car…

HECK


Don’t, Jo.

JOThe stars were out, whistling us a love song on the springtime breeze. I remember the smell of cigarettes and Barbasol…

HECKAnd then a cloud drifted eastward, exposing the full moon…

JO…lighting up our faces clear as day. I remember your firm jaw…your stubbled chin… the allure of your lips…

HECKThat was a long time ago, Jo. The world is too full of hurt to be opening up old wounds.

JOSome wounds never heal, Heck.

HECKRomance is a young man’s game. Give my ex-wife a call and she’ll tell ya…this is one well of love that’s pretty well dried up.

JOMaybe you just need someone to help you fill it back up again.

(The two lean closer, and the tension between them is palpable. GENEVIEVE enters and interrupts them.)

GENEVIEVEOh, fantastic. I just knew I’d find you here, papa.

HECKGenevieve? This ain’t no joint for a pretty young dame like yourself.

GENEVIEVENo. It’s a watering hole for drunken, jerk losers to flock and feel like they belong. Drunken, jerk losers and the women who give a damn about them.

HECKGo home, Gen. It’s not right for a young, pretty lady like you to traipse around in the middle of the night with seedy characters like these.

GENEVIEVE


Seedy characters like you, you mean? Drowning their sorrows in Smirnoff Ice?

JOCome on, honey. You ain’t being fair to your dad.

HECKNo. She’s right. The Ice has frozen greater men than me. But that don’t give her the right to put herself in danger. Stillwater’s a treacherous place at night.

GENEVIEVEI’m almost eighteen, dad. When are you gonna stop treating me like a kid, especially when you’re acting like one?

HECKDarling, your headstrong nature is what makes you special, but one of these days, it’s gonna get you hurt.

GENEVIEVEI’ve been hurt before. I hurt every time I see that empty hook where mama’s fur coat used to hang.

HECKGenevieve, I know you blame me for your mother taking off…but I ask that once in awhile, you remember who stayed behind.

GENEVIEVEI remember. I also remember that-

(She is interrupted by JERRY’s scream, from offstage.)

JOWhat in heavens was that?

HECKThat, Jo, was the cry of a man in a lot of pain and a lot of trouble, and I got a feeling trouble’s about to come stumbling this way.

GENEVIEVEPapa, that man sounds like he needs help!

(She starts for the door)

HECKGen, don’t you go out there!

GENEVIEVESomebody’s got to.


JOGenevieve, if there’s someone being attacked, you could wind up getting –

GENEVIEVEYou mind the bar and mind your business.

HECKGenevieve, you stay put now. That’s an order!

GENEVIEVEAn order, huh? Why I ought to-

JERRY(Stumbles in through the door.)

He…help me!(He collapses to the floor, back to the audience. We see a bloody gash across his exposed butt cheek.)

HECKJesus. Jo! Get a rag to stop the bleeding! Gen, call 9-11.

(They both comply, as HECK rushes to JERRY’s side.)

It’s all right, son. Breathe deep now. I’m Detective Heck Bills. Help is on the way. What’s your name?

JERRYJ-Jerry!

HECKOkay, now, J-Jerry. What happened? Who did this to you?

(He takes a small bandage out of his pocket, and applies it to JERRY’s wound.)

JERRYI…I don’t know. He was wearing a mask! I never saw his face…

HECKCan you tell me where he got off to?

JERRYI don’t know! It all happened so fast.

HECK


There, there. It’s all going to be okay, J-Jerry. You just stay strong. Stay strong.(Blackout)

Scene 3(The Police Station, KAREN BENTLY’s office. BENTLY is at her desk, filling out paperwork. HECK enters.)

HECK(Narrating)

My feet rubbery with apprehension, I step into the office of Chief Karen Bently. I know the chief like a sister – a sister who slid with me out of the womb straight into the flames of hell and back. Chief Bently wears her responsibility like a nun’s habit, never straying, never faltering, celibate to a fault. She used to keep my counsel too. That was before a few years back, before that case went bad. Before Detective Heart... Since then, she treats my counsel like a bitter medicine. I just pray she’s ready to swallow a bitter pill today.

(To BENTLY)Hey, Chief.

BENTLYHeck!

HECKYes, ma’am, it’s me. I was just-

BENTLYNo, I mean heck! As in who the heck filed this goddamn report? I can’t read a word of this chicken scratch. Shit!

HECKNow what’s wrong, ma’am?

BENTLYNothing. I was insulting you, you shit. What are you doing in my office before I’ve had my coffee?

HECKI came to see you about that man who was admitted to the hospital last night, ma’am. J-Jerry, I think. The one who had the misfortune of… the one who was accosted and…the one who suffered a laceration on his…his…

BENTLYThe guy that got slashed across the ass?


HECKThat’s right, Chief. I’d like to discuss the finer points of the case with you.

BENTLYWhat else is there to say? At approximately eleven PM last night Jerry Sensor was assaulted by a masked assailant just outside the Backside Pub in downtown Stillwater. So far, no suspects have been arrested in the case.

HECKI was on the scene, Chief. Don’t you want my input?

BENTLYDid you actually witness the attack?

HECKWell, no, ma’am.

BENTLYDon’t get me wrong, Heck. I appreciate that you were on the scene. Thanks to you, we were able to get the victim the help he needed in an expedient manner, and he’s likely to make a full recovery.

HECKBut you don’t want to hear about the event from my perspective, ma’am?

BENTLYI hear that your perspective was somewhat clouded by Smirnoff Ice.

HECKI was sober enough, ma’am. Sober enough to know what evil is.

BENTLYVery well, Detective. I’m listening.

HECKFirst, what has Mr. Sensor told you about the attacker?

BENTLYWe don’t know much. He was dressed all in black and wearing a mask, so he can’t be properly IDed. In truth, we don’t even know for sure that he was a he. Plus, Mr. Sensor is in a fair amount of pain, and his recollection of the event has been fuzzy at best.

HECKSo we have no motive, no perp, and no other witnesses?


BENTLYThat’s the naked truth of it.

HECKBut you are investigating the case, aren’t you, Chief?

BENTLYOf course we’re investigating the case, Heck, but our chances of catching the guy are pretty slim. You ask me, it was some tweaker looking for some cheap thrills. Totally random attack. Just some asshole slashing an asshole.

HECKMa’am, I have to tell you…I got a hunch.

BENTLYOh, yeah? I’ve got a hunch that this hunch is gonna be a real pain in my ass.

HECKMa’am, I don’t think this was an assolated incident…sorry. I mean an isolated assident. Incident. Isolated incident.

BENTLYSpit it out, Detective.

HECKI know evil, Chief, and I saw it in the weeping eyes of Jerry Sensor last night. When you’ve seen evil, you can never look at “good” quite the same way again. Sensor lost more than blood last night, Chief. He lost his innocence. He looked into the black soul of the devil, and some of that blackness stuck to his own golden heart.

BENTLYSo you think the man that attacked him is pure evil?

HECKAnd I think he’s not done. Not by a long shot. We got a serial buttslasher on our hands, Chief.

BENTLYDon’t jump to conclusions, Heck. It was just one cheek.

HECKBut think of the circumstances. A young, innocent man was attacked in the heart of downtown Stillwater in a very deliberate…almost ritualistic manner. Why the ass, ma’am? Why did he go for the ass? The posterior, ma’am…the butt has meaning for this slasher. I tell you, he was trying to send a message.


BENTLYYou’re getting this theory from consoling one victim of one attack?

HECKI’ve been on the force long enough to smell trouble a mile away.

BENTLYYeah, I know. But you’ve been on the force long enough to make mistakes too, Heck. Mistakes with fatal consequences.

HECKI’m not making a mistake in this, ma’am. I tell you, we need to commit all resources to this, or we’re going to see more attacks of this nature.

BENTLYLook, Heck. I hear your concern. And I understand that we’ve got an innocent victim laid up in a hospital bed, crying to God and wondering why in hell something like this would happen to him. But I also got a dead schoolteacher who was possibly murdered by his infant daughter over an inheritance dispute. I got a jealous wife who bumped off her husband in a rage after he took first prize in the county backyard landscaping competition. I’ve got a prostitution ring transporting post-op transsexual canine hookers by canoe down the St. Croix River in the cover of night. I simply haven’t got the manpower to commit to a drunkard who got a little boo-boo on his popo.

HECKBut, Chief-

BENTLYI’ve had quite enough talk of butts this morning, Detective Bills.

(OFFICER enters hurriedly)

OFFICERChief!

BENTLYYeah, what is it?

OFFICERThere was another one, ma’am! Another ass assault.

BENTLYWHAT?

(BENTLY, HECK, and OFFICER all freeze in place. Lights go down on


them, and JOGGER runs onto the scene, catching his breath. He pauses and starts to stretch out his hamstrings. THE BUTTSLASHER sneaks up behind him, knife in hand, ready to strike. JOGGER notices him too late. Screaming and pleading, he runs for his life. Just as he gets off stage, THE BUTTSLASHER lunges and hits his mark. JOGGER screams offstage. BENTLY, HECK, and OFFICER unfreeze.)

BENTLYMy god…thank you, officer. I’ll take it from here.

OFFICERI’m scared, Chief.

BENTLYWe’re all scared, son. But you’re serving on the finest police force this side of the St. Croix. We won’t stop until we catch this cheeky bastard.

OFFICERYes, ma’am.

(Exits)

BENTLYDamn it. When you’re right you’re right, Heck. We have a real psycho on our hands.

HECKI’m on the case, Chief. By god, I’m going to work my ass off bringing this sick bastard to justice.

BENTLYI like your spirit, Heck, but I want you to come out the other side of this with your ass fully intact. That’s why I’m sending you out with somebody to keep an eye on it for you.

HECKWhat do you mean, ma’am?

BENTLYIt’s time I hooked you up with a new partner.

HECK


No thanks, Chief. I work alone.

BENTLYYeah, I know that better than anyone. Isn’t the very reason you work alone the very same one that drove that wedge between us all those years ago? Your old partner. Detective-

HECKDon’t say his name, ma’am. Please!

BENTLYDetective Heart?

(HECK winces.)Pretending he didn’t exist ain’t going to help you heal.

HECKThe only way I can reconcile the past is by moving forward.

BENTLYExactly. You and I are both getting a little grey around the temple to be chasing after buttslashing psychos. We need some young blood.

(ERIC enters)Ah. Just in time. Detective Bills. I want you to meet Detective Eric Balls.

ERICBills and Balls, huh. Sounds like one of those old detective dime novels. Eric Balls. Homicide.

(Extends his hand.)

HECK(Doesn’t take it)

Homicide, huh? I tell you, I hear a guy wants to get into homicide, that makes me think he watched one too many detective movies as a kid, and he’s out looking for adventure. Adventurers on the force get themselves killed or worse.

ERICNot me, Detective Bills. I take my job very seriously.

BENTLYDetective Balls might be young, but he’s got three years experience as a detective.

HECKWhere you from, son?

ERICI transferred from Chicago, sir.


HECKYeah? Well, Chicago ain’t Stillwater. You might have been some hotshot detective back in your hometown, but around these parts, you gotta be ready to go to war.

ERICYou got some kinda problem with me, old timer?

HECKNo problem, so long as you remember I’m in charge.

BENTLYAre you two ladies done powdering your noses? ‘Cuz it’s time to get back out on that ballroom floor. I want results on this by the end of the day!

Scene 4(JOGGER is onstage, face down and moaning with pain throughout the scene. His rear end is exposed, along with a bloody cut on his butt check. He is surrounded by police caution tape. ERIC and HECK enter.)

HECK(Narrating)

Every time I see that yellow tape, it sets my teeth on edge. Yellow is often followed by red. I’ve seen enough red to permanently burn the color into my retinas. But I press on, because the only ones that can combat red are the boys in blue.

ERICAre you talking to yourself, Detective Bills?

HECKOf course not. I’m tired, beat, and burned out, but I ain’t crazy.

ERICIt’s just…I saw you talking to yourself.

HECKWhen you’ve been on the job as long as I have, you’ll understand. Thing is, you never quite know when someone’s listening. Anyway…let’s have a look at our guy here.

(They gather around JOGGER, examining his butt wound)

ERICMy god…


HECKYou okay, kid?

ERICYeah…yeah. I’m good. I trained for this.

HECKWhat do you see, Detective?

ERICAssault victim. Male. Late twenties, early thirties. A single laceration to the ass, sir.

HECKDoes this look like the same kind of injury that was sustained by Jerry Sensor last night?

ERICI can’t be sure, sir.

HECKWhat do you mean, you can’t be sure? Get in there! Get a closer look!

ERIC(Leans in so that his face is only inches away from JOGGER’s butt)

Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s the same weapon.

JOGGERCall an ambulance, you bastards!

HECKI hate being right. This confirms it; we’ve got a serial buttslasher on our hands.

ERICA buttslasher. My god…

HECKYou ever deal with one of them back in Chicago?

ERICNah. But I’ve heard the stories.

HECKWell, this is one bedtime story that ain’t gonna help you get any sleep.

(ERIC finds a book of matches on the ground.)


ERICWhat about this? Looks like a book of matches.

HECKCould be a clue. What do they say?

ERICThe Backside Pub.

HECK(Stunned. Narrating)

The Backside Pub… Jo’s place. If the slasher dropped these here, the sick bastard could’ve been right there shooting bull with Jo and tossing back Ice with the rest of Stillwater’s scum. It seems my greatest fear has gone and collided with my greatest regret. The one who got away: Jo Finlayson. Could you be involved in all this?

Scene 5(The Backside Pub. JO is working at the counter. HECK and ERIC enter)

HECKHello, Jo.

JOHello, Heck. The usual?

HECKI’m afraid I’m here on business, not pleasure.

JOI never knew you to have reservations about mixing the two. Remember when you and I used to…

HECKPlease, Jo. Not now. Not again.

JOWho’s the babyface?

ERICDetective Eric Balls, ma’am. This is your establishment?

JOI ain’t standing behind this bar to admire the selection.


HECKThis is my new partner. Hotshot detective outta Chicago with designs on being a real cop.

JOWant my advice, kid? Pack your bags and head back for Chicago, and I mean this minute. This town’ll eat you alive.

ERICIt may find me a tough bite to swallow.

HECKListen, Jo, I came by to ask you about-

JOI’ve already had half the force coming in here asking for my tale. There’s nothing left to tell.

HECKAre you sure you didn’t see anything, Jo?

JOAll I got is a head fulla memories; memories of that poor sap stumbling through the door with his ass cheek flayed near to the bone. But I got no clue who held the knife.

HECKI understand how you must be feeling, Jo, but the thing is-

ERIC(Slams the book of matches down on the table.)

Now listen here, skirt. We found that book of matches at the scene of another slashing.

JOKid, the last time I let someone call me “skirt,” you were still in diapers.

ERICYou won’t be changing my diapers any more than you’ll be changing the subject.

HECKNow see here, Balls-

ERICNo, now you see here: That bit of evidence links her to at least two of these attacks.


(To JO)You better take me through your story from start to finish, because I suspect you’ve been skipping a few chapters.

JOOh, that matchbook don’t prove nothing. Half the mugs in town stumble their way through Backside on a weekly basis. Any one of them could’ve picked that up.

ERICBut you were still at the scene of the first crime.

JOI’m here every night.

ERICStill, I’m betting you saw more than you let on.

HECKCome on, Balls. Hundreds of folks went through here last night, including me.

GENEVIEVE(Enters, in waitress garb)

And me.

HECKGen? What are you doing here?

GENEVIEVEI’ll have you know, Jo was kind enough to give me a waitressing job.

HECKA waitressing job? But you ain’t old enough to be –

GENEVIEVEI turned eighteen yesterday, papa. Thanks for noticing.

HECKI thought you and Jo didn’t get along.

GENEVIEVEI get along just fine with the paycheck she’s giving me. And besides, I-

ERICExcuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt this family meeting, but we are in the middle of an investigation.


GENEVIEVEExcuse me! I do not know you, sir, and if I am going to be so interrupted, I’ll insist upon knowing who is guilty of the rudeness.

ERICListen here, missy, I’m here on official-

GENEVIEVE“Missy” is the name you give to a little girl or a puppy dog. You’ll find that I am neither. My name is Genevieve.

ERICGenevieve, my name is Detective Eric Balls. There is a slasher on the loose, and whether or not it is convenient for you, I have to insist upon doing my job.

GENEVIEVESo your job involves shaking down worn-out lady barkeeps? Do you really imagine that Joanna Finlayson has time to go out carving glutes on her smoke break?

ERICIf she ain’t the slasher, I’d bet my hat she knows the guy who is.

(To HECK)Detective, I’m taking Miss Finlayson in for questioning.

JOHeck!

HECKBalls, Jo hasn’t done any wrong that I can see.

ERICIf you could see all the wrong in this world, you’d already have your slasher. She’s coming with me. If you don’t like it, we can call Chief Bently. We’ll see just who she wants to side with.

GENEVIEVEThen you’ll have to book me too, Detective.

HECKGen, darling, what are you saying?

GENEVIEVESeems to me that Jo is being clapped in irons for no greater crime than being present at last night’s scene. I’m just as guilty as her. What say you to that, Eric Balls?

ERIC


I say I’ve seen prettier hands than yours stained with blood before. Though, not much prettier than yours.

GENEVIEVEAw. If you weren’t hauling me off to my daddy’s precinct to question me about a serial ass-slasher, that’d be almost sweet.

HECKDamn it, Balls! My daughter’s innocent!

ERICYou should know better than anyone, Bills, nobody’s innocent.

(To GENEVIEVE and JO)Come on then. Let’s get in the car.

(All three exit. HECK remains onstage.)

HECK(Narrating)

During my years on the force I’ve learned how to do a lot of things, but none of those things has ever been “the right thing.” All I ever wanted to do in this world is fight evil, and now it looks like I’m hauling my two great loves off to the station with me. Well…

(Reaches behind the bar and extracts a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice)

…make that my three great loves.

Scene 6(The precinct. There is a pair of interrogation rooms set up on opposite sides of the stage. ERIC and GENEVIEVE occupy one. JO and HECK occupy the other one. Lights up on ERIC and GENEVIEVE.)

ERICTell me more about your father, kid.

GENEVIEVEI ain’t no kid.

ERICYou’re a handful a days past being one.

GENEVIEVEI’ll have you know I just turned nineteen. What about you, Detective Balls? Your


prominent jaw line ain’t showing much sign of aging neither.

ERICI’m a lot older on the inside. Now talk about your dad a bit.

GENEVIEVEI thought we came here to talk about some other assholes.

ERICI’m not sure he’s up to the job. Word is, Detective Heck Bills is a hero cop, but lately he’s a hollowed out husk of the man he once was.

GENEVIEVEMy dad…my dad and I don’t get along so great, but he means well.

ERICI’m sure he does, but I gotta know he’s got my back, especially in a case like this one. Can you promise me that he does?

GENEVIEVEThere ain’t nobody more loyal to the job than my father. But that doesn’t mean he can’t make…mistakes.

ERICWhat kinda mistakes?

(The scene shifts from ERIC and GENEVIEVE to JO and HECK. HECK is drinking Smirnoff Ice from a water bottle and is clearly getting drunk, although JO hasn’t quite noticed this yet.)

HECKAh, Jo. Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo.

JOWhat am I doing here, Heck? You know I had nothing to do with what happened to that poor man last night.

HECKWe all had something to do with what happened to that poor man last night, Jo. We all throw our pennies in the same pond, and then blame the neighbors when the damn thing starts overflowing.

JOHeck, what’s gotten into you?


HECKTell me what you know, Jo. I can see it in your eyes. You suspect something…

JOI don’t got much good to say about the fish who come drinking in my pond, but I didn’t spot any sharks last night.

HECKThen what about that book of matches we found?

JOLast I checked that wasn’t jailing evidence. Are you really gonna hold me over a book of matches, Heck?

HECKIt’s fitting, isn’t it? A book of matches bringing us together?

JOHeck…

HECKCuz baby, I’m the match, and I reckon you’re the book. By myself, I’m cold and rigid…maybe a bit red in the face. But when you and I come together, things heat up real fast.

JOHeck, what are you-

HECKI’ve been thinking a lot about our discussion last night, Jo. Maybe it’s time I tried striking my match head on your striker.

JOWe’re here to talk about The Buttslasher!

HECKYeah. Yeah, the whole world’s gone crazy. Me? I’m just crazy about you.

(Takes a drink)

JOYou’re Iced right now, aren’t you? Oh, Heck… how much have you had?

HECKThis is…my third one, I think.


JOThree? My god, Heck. Nobody can handle three bottles of Ice!

HECKDon’t tell me what I can handle, Jo. Maybe when you live the life I’ve lived, you’ll need a good Icing sometimes yourself.

JOI may not have lived the life you’ve lived, but I’ve shared some pretty big parts of it with you, and this is not the Heck Bills I’ve grown to love. They’ve got your daughter in the other room.

HECKGood. If she’s in here, and least I know she ain’t out there with The Buttslasher.

(The lights shift. HECK and JO go dark, and GENEVIEVE and ERIC are brought to light)

GENEVIEVELook, my papa’s a little afraid to let people in. Even me. The only one he talks to is Jo.

ERICI can understand a man not wanting to let another man inside. But sometimes a pair of guys gotta come together. For the common good.

GENEVIEVEMy papa’s been hurt too many times. He knows too well what it is to lose someone.

ERICLike your mom?

GENEVIEVENot just her, Detective Balls. He also lost his partner before you. Detective Heart.

ERICI’ve heard something about that, but mum’s the word on the true story.

GENEVIEVE(Steps forward, narrating. As she describes the scene, HECK and HEART enter in light, perhaps posing dramatically underneath GENEVIEVE’s lines. This is a flashback. Though GENEVIEVE and ERIC look on during this scene, HEART and HECK take no notice of


them.)Detective Heart was the only man my father ever really trusted, see? They were true men of justice, committed to cleaning up the scum of the St. Croix River together. They brought down the infamous Bonanza Boys, and the Three-Toed Mafia. They even exposed the corrupt Senator Conroy and his underground slug-fighting ring. Nothing was too great a challenge for Bills and Heart. Like a pair of granddaddy bullfrogs, they protected the wriggling tadpole masses that inhabit the quagmire that is Stillwater, Minnesota.

ERICWhat are you doing, kid? Are you are coo-coo as your old man?

GENEVIEVEI keep telling you, Balls, I ain’t no kid. I just turned twenty, and you’d do well to remember that.

ERICSorry, Miss Bills.

GENEVIEVEI’m narrating. I learned it from my papa. He doesn’t teach the art of narrating lightly, mind you. So far as I know, he only ever taught one other person the art of story weaving, and that was Detective Heart himself.

HEART(Narrating)

It was the end of a long day of busting skulls, kissing babies, and kissing skulls while busting babies

ERICDetective Heart. Did he…die?

GENEVIEVESh!

HECK(Narrating)

Our eyelids were heavy with fatigue, and our tummies were rumbling with ravenous desire.

ERICThing is, I heard they never found-

GENEVIEVEBe quiet!


HEARTBut an officer’s duty ain’t done as long as there’s still dirt that needs sweeping. We still had one more job to do.

ERICI just don’t understand why everyone around here is so-

GENEVIEVEShhh! They’re expositing. Now shut the fuck up!

HECK(Narrating)

That day, we had seen deadbeats, blazers, freaks, geeks, hoo-hahs, hoo-hoos, babba-doos, Scooby-Doos, and Kardashians. You know. The worst Stillwater had to offer.

HEART(Narrating)

But nothing could have prepared us for our last stop of the day.

HEART and HECKStillwater Junior High.

HECK(To HEART)

You know, you don’t gotta do this, pal. This is my beat. Why don’t you go on home?

HEARTAbsolutely goddamn not, Heck. You’re the olive in my goddamn martini. Where you go, I go.

HECKDamn it, man. Why are you so anxious to throw your life away?

HEARTLook, Heck. Sometimes I look around and I think the world is an old, worn-out whore. She’s been around the solar system one too many times. Nothing shocks or surprises the old girl anymore, you know? It’s easy to give up hope, when the world is old, cold, and cajoled. But you can’t give up hope. You know where I find my hope, Heck?

HECKWhere’s that?

HEARTIn the twinkle of a child’s eye. I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Heck. You get me?


HECKNo, Heart. I don’t get you one bit. And goddamn it, that’s what I like about you.

HEARTNow, Heck, there’s about five hundred pre-teens sitting Indian-style on a filthy gym floor, and they’re waiting for you and I to go in there and raise goddamn awareness about narcotics and the effects of peer pressure. In there, that’s hope. We gotta get these kids when they’re young and show them there’s a better path. You and I are gonna do that, Heck. You and I, together.

HECKYou’re right, Heart. Then I got your back.

HEARTAnd I got yours.

(He hands HECK a T-shirt, and keeps one himself. They both start to put them on. The word A.N.U.S. is written on the chest of each.)

Now let’s get in there and be the best damn A.N.U.S. officers that we know how to be!

(They exit)

ERICA.N.U.S. officers?

GENEVIEVEAnnihilating Narcotics Use in Schools. Anyway, my dad and Detective Heart went charging in. And then…and then…

ERICWhat?

GENEVIEVEIt was a massacre.

(As she speaks, in slow motion we see HECK and HEART desperately fighting for their lives, trying to escape the school. Eventually, HEART is dragged offstage, and HECK falls to his knees in dismay)

Those kids were ruthless, see? It started innocently enough. A few jeers and anus jokes. Then they started throwing things. Then they started to run up onstage. There were too many of them. Some of the teachers even joined in. They later found out that many of the students had been drinking the Ice.


ERICMy god.

GENEVIEVEAs for Detective Heart…my father never saw him again. So you see, Detective Balls, my father can never trust anyone again. He can’t let himself lose anyone again.

(Lights down on GENEVIEVE and ERIC. Up on JO and HECK)

JODamn it, Heck. You’re more than just the Ice. Don’t let it own you!

HECKWhy shouldn’t I?

JOThis city needs a hero.

HECKThis city needs a hero? Why do you think I come crawling in to drown my sorrows every night, Jo? This world’s beyond saving.

JOThen what about your daughter, Heck? And what about me? Who do you love more? Us? Or the Ice?

HECKI learned long ago that it was easier to freeze up to keep myself from getting burned.

JOI know you can get hurt if you get too close to the fire, but we all need a little bit of warmth to survive, Heck.

HECKI don’t know how you can be so hopeful, Jo.

JOMaybe it’s because I have something to hope for...

(She moves closer to him. They are about to kiss when BENTLY enters)

BENTLYGod damn it, Heck! What the hell have you been doing in here?

HECKJust…uh…interrogating a suspect.


BENTLYI suspect you’ve been doing more than interrogating, unless that’s a pistol in your pocket.

(Sniffs the air)Or…is it a bottle in your pocket?

HECKIt’s…it’s a…

BENTLYAre you Iced on the job!?

HECKChief, I was just-

BENTLYDamn it, man! When you’ve been in here making nice and drinking Ice, there have been three more attacks!

HECKThree!?

BENTLYThat’s it. This has been one strike too many, Heck. You are officially off this case!

HECKWhat? But, Chief, I-

BENTLYHow can I expect you to look after the city of Stillwater when you can’t even look after yourself? Take a few weeks off, Heck. For both our sakes.

(Exits)

JOOh, Heck…

(HECK storms out. Lights go down on JO, and up on ERIC and GENEVIEVE.)

ERIC(Narrating)

Nobody knew quite where he went after that. Maybe he was on a raging bender. Maybe he was doing a little bit of soul searching. We didn’t see Heck for three whole hours. All we know is the streets of Stillwater ran red without old Heck Bills mopping up the mess. It seemed like an attack every minute. I thought I could


handle things alone for a while, but the old man was right. I was just a little fish in a big pond. A little fish, in need of a school.

GENEVIEVEWhat are you doing, Detective Balls?

ERICCall me Eric.

GENEVIEVEWhat are you doing, Eric?

ERICI’m narrating, sweetheart.

GENEVIEVEYou catch on quick, Eric.

ERICI know it. I learned it from a pretty great lady.

GENEVIEVEShe had a pretty great student.

(She moves in close. ERIC takes her in one arm.)

ERIC(Narrating)

And so Genevieve and I were married. I tell you, even after all these hours, I still can’t believe I snagged a girl like her. She’s perfect in every way. Wouldn’t take my last name though. I convinced her to hyphenate it. Genevieve Bills-Balls.

GENEVIEVEOh, Eric. What are we going to do?

ERICI don’t know, Gen. The Buttslasher is still out there. Stillwater is going to be a town full of stomach sleepers, and your father’s nowhere to be found.

GENEVIEVEMy papa ain’t up to the job in his current state anyhow. Hasn’t been for a long time. But, Eric, I think I have an idea to help him become the man he once was. And I need your help to nudge him in the right direction.

ERICWhat do I need to do?


Scene 7(The Backside Pub. HECK is at the bar, holding a Smirnoff Ice. JO is at the bar.)

HECK(Narrating)

So I’m back at the only place that I can find a tablespoon of comfort in the recipe of hurt that is Stillwater Minnesota.

(GENEVIEVE enters)Genevieve? How many times do I gotta tell you not to come down this way?

GENEVIEVEI work here!

HECKOh, yeah.

GENEVIEVEAnd why do you even care? You don’t know anything that’s going on with me, lately. You weren’t even at the wedding.

HECKWell, you and Detective Balls met about three hours ago. I didn’t have a whole ton of notice.

GENEVIEVE(To JO)

Is he drunk?

JOTo his credit, no. He’s just been sitting there looking at that bottle with more longing than he ever looked at me.

HECKNow, Jo-

JOOh, shut your mouth, Heck! I’m tired of you coming in here to lay all your problems out on the bar and leaving them for me to wipe up at the end of the night. I know you’re only human, Heck, but I feel like less than human around you. What you see as idle flirtation pricks me deeper than anything you can imagine.

HECKListen, Jo, I just-


JONo, that’s enough, Heck. At some point you gotta choose what kinda man you’re gonna be. Right now, you love the Ice, Heck. You love it more than your job, and you love it more than me. So what’s it gonna be, huh? What is it going to…

(The BUTTSLASHER enters, and grabs hold of JO.)

HECKNo!! You let her go, you!

JO(As the BUTTSLASHER pulls out a knife and threatens JO’s ass with it.)

Heck! Help!

HECKNo! Let her go! Take me instead!!

(The BUTTSLASHER exits, with JO)Damn it! Damn it all to hell!

GENEVIEVEYou’ve got to help her, papa! What are you going to do?

HECKI’m going to the precinct to get your husband, and he and I are gonna crack this thing wide open.

GENEVIEVEBut, papa, your boss took you off the case.

HECKJustice has no boss, Gen.

(Starts to exit, leaving his bottle at the bar.)

GENEVIEVEPapa, aren’t you going to finish your drink?

HECKJust get me a glass of water, Gen. Hold the Ice.

Scene 8(The evidence room. ERIC is looking at a tack board covered in photographs of slashed butts.)


ERICWhat does it all mean? Tell me, damn you, what does it all mean!?

HECKMaybe what the case needs is a fresh pair of ass.

ERICBills! Genevieve said you’d come. Wait…what was that?

HECKTell me what you’ve learned, Eric.

ERICDetective Bills…I do believe you’re stone-cold sober.

HECKAin’t nothing cold about it, Balls. I’m hotter than a cat in heat. The slasher’s taken Jo. He’s taken Jo, and we gotta find her. We have to crack this ass of a case. What does it all mean?

ERICI don’t know, Heck. I don’t know! I’m just a young kid, and I don’t know what I’m doing, Detective! I just don’t know!

HECKDo I look like all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, Eric? ‘Cuz I ain’t gonna put you back together when you go to pieces. Look at these pictures! Tell me, kid. What’s the connection?

ERICI don’t see it! Genevieve is the one who told me to put these asses up. She says you always do this because it helps you piece it all together. But I don’t know what she -

HECKPiece it all together, huh?

(Takes a step toward the photos)My god…could it be?

(Heck begins to rearrange the photographs of the butts.)

It’s a message, don’t you see?(He continues to work as ERIC ad libs lines. “What are you doing, Heck?” “Have you gone crazy?” etc. When he’s finished, he reveals that the slashes on the butts form the perfect shape of a heart.)


A heart. I know where he is!(Starts to exit)

ERICI’ll come with you!

HECKThis is something I gotta do alone.

ERICI’ve got your back, Heck.

HECKThe last man that said that had a traffic cone shoved up his ass by an eighth grader, and I mean every part of the sentence absolutely literally. I won’t risk that again.

ERICBut-

HECKGo home, Balls. You’ll be a happier man reading about it in the papers without your name in the publication.

(Exits)

Scene 9(The school gymnasium. HECK enters.)

HECK(Narrating)

As I envision how it’s all finally going to end, I can’t help but think back on how it all began. It started less than twenty-four hours ago with a beautiful broad, a whole lot of booze, and a scream like a dagger in the night. It’s been a hell of a long day.

(The BUTTSLASHER enters)I knew I’d find you here. You’ll never find a greater gathering of assholes than inside of a middle school. And besides, you and I got history here…don’t we Detective Heart? Is that really you under there?

(The BUTTSLASHER draws a blade)So, you’re gonna slash my butt next, is that it? It’d be easy for you. I’m unarmed. But I wonder if you’ve got the guts to look me in the face when you do it. Well. Well?! I know it’s you, Detective Heart. Show yourself!!

(HEART enters from behind HECK. He’s dressed like a BUTTSLASHER, but without a mask. He pulls a knife and holds the point to HECK’s butt.)


HEARTHaven’t you learned to watch you back yet, Heck?

HECKWhat? But…how…

HEARTIt’s good to see you again, old friend.

HECKThere’s…there’s two of you?

HEARTI found a partner who won’t let me down.

HECKWhere’s Jo?

HEARTShe’s safe. It’s you we’ve been after.

(To the other BUTTSLASHER.)Go fetch Joanna, would you please?

(The other BUTTSLASHER exits)

HECKSo what is this, Heart? Is this just because I failed you all those years ago?

HEARTThat incident opened my eyes to the truth. You and I were going about it the wrong way, Heck. We tried to fight evil with kindness and reason. Turns out, evil only speaks one language, and that language is force.

(The other BUTTSLASHER reenters with JO in tow.)

JOHeck! You came for me!

HECKEverything’s going to be all right, Jo. I promise.

HEARTThe world is a mess, Heck. When you and I were partners, I believed people could be saved. Turns out, people are just born wicked, Heck.

GENEVIEVE(GENEVIEVE is the other


BUTTSLASHER. She removes her mask.)

Even children.

HECKGen? Oh god…not you too. Not you too, Gen! But…but…

GENEVIEVEBut. Exactly.

HEARTBut how?

GENEVIEVEBut when?

JOBut why?

HECKWhy!? Gen…oh, Gen… Has this really been all about me? You dressed up like a hooligan and carved up half the butts in Stillwater just to get to me?

GENEVIEVEIt was about sending…a message. Aren’t you always saying the world is corrupt, papa? That we live in a time of perversion? Vitriol? Decadence? Violence? Division? I did this for you, papa!

HEARTThe Buttslasher was never a man, Heck. The Buttslasher is an idea. Justice is your life’s calling, Heck. But Justice is blind. So, how could she ever see the truth? The world has been split right down the middle, you see? You’re expected to pick a side. Light and dark. Red and blue. Me and you. Everything is all about division, see? Everything is a fight. And if you try to find some middle ground, you find that it stinks there worst of all.

HECKBut all of your victims were innocent people!

HEARTNo one is innocent. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

GENEVIEVEYou’ve devoted your whole life to saving the world, and what has it brought you? All your life you have never been able to finish anything.


HEARTYou never resolved your feelings for Jo.

GENEVIEVEYou never got over the grief of losing a partner.

HEARTYou never learned to trust the people who were reaching out to help.

GENEVIEVEAnd you never talked out your problems with your daughter. All this unfinished business. That’s what’s really wrong with the world, papa. It’s all unfinished business. There is no resolution. It’s all beginnings, and no end. Well…we’re here to help you bring about the end.

HEARTThe rear end, if you will.

GENEVIEVEThe truth is, we’re cracked in two. There’s no fixing the crack, papa. These unresolved differences. Nobody can fix it. Not even you. All that’s left…

(She brandishes a knife)…is to carve out a path of our own.

HEARTWe’re here to slash poverty.

GENEVIEVESlash decadence.

HEARTSlash hypocrisy.

GENEVIEVEWe’re here to solve the world’s problems, one asshole at a time.

HEARTHeck, what are you really fighting for?

HECKFor truth.

HEARTThere is no truth.

HECK


For justice.

GENEVIEVEThere is no justice.

HECKFor some goddamn human decency!!

GENEVIEVEExcuses are like assholes, papa. Everyone’s got them…and-

HECKAnd they all stink.

GENEVIEVEI was going to say, “Everyone’s got them, and they’re all shitty.”

HEART“Everyone’s got one, and they’re all a little hairy.”

GENEVIEVE“Everyone’s got one, but nobody really wants to hear them.”

HECKWhat?

GENEVIEVEDon’t you get it? Everyone has to carve out their own path. What path will you carve out? I didn’t do this to hurt you, papa. I did this to feel close to you again. And it’s working! You finally gave up the Ice this afternoon, papa. You’re finally becoming the man you were. Maybe…maybe, you and I can fix the world. Together.

HEARTI would love to have you for a partner again. All you have to do…

(He hands HECK a knife)…is draw first blood.

(He turns his back to HECK, and exposes his rear end to him.)

HECKHeart…I…

HEARTDo it, Heck. I’m evil, aren’t I? So do it, Heck. Carve out your own personal brand of justice.


ERIC(Enters. He doesn’t recognize GENEVIEVE at first.)

Don’t do it, Heck!

HECKBalls! I told you to stay away.

ERICSorry, Bills. This case was just too stinky to ignore.

(Pulling his gun, and aiming it at GENEVIEVE)

Unhand that lady.(GENEVIEVE turns to face him)

No…Genevieve? Oh no.

GENEVIEVE(Threatens JO’s butt with her knife)

Drop, it, Eric. Kick it over here.(He complies)

Sorry, sweetheart, but you’re interrupting justice in progress.

ERICGen, when you said you wanted to help your father, I didn’t think you meant this!

GENEVIEVEA girl’s got to have some secrets.

HEARTWhat are you waiting for, Detective? I have a little itch.

(Points to his butt)It’s right here. Mind scratching it for me, Heck?

ERICYou’re not really considering this, are you Detective Bills?

HECKI don’t know, Eric. When you’ve seen evil, you’ll never look at good the same way again. I’ve tried all my life to find the right path, but what if the right path was a fallacy all along? Right and wrong...is the world so simple? This ain’t no dime store crime novel. I’ve devoted my life to truth and justice. I spent so much time trying to solve the problems of others that I went and ignored my own. I’ve been an asshole to the people who loved me. And now, the people who love me turn out to be the worst assholes of all. I belong with them.

ERIC


No! It’s time that you started trusting in goodness again, Detective Bills. I know you’ve been hurt. I know you want to give up hope. But, damn it, when hope starts to sink, it’s time for guys like us to grab a pail and start bailing out water. But first, you gotta learn to trust again. Trust me, Detective. So what’s it gonna be, huh? What’s it gonna be?

HEARTDo it, Heck!

GENEVIEVEDo it, papa!

JOHeck, no!

ERICPlease, Heck!

HECK(Thinks for a moment, and then drops the knife)

No. I won’t do it.

HEART(Turns to face HECK. Picks up the knife)

You disappoint me, Heck. Now I’m going to have to do you.

HECKDo it, Heart, if it makes you feel good. As for me, I’ll gladly risk my ass, for justice.

HEARTYou’re a fool. Heck. You could have chosen to join us. Instead, you choose failure.

BENTLYNot on my watch.

(Enters, gun drawn. She aims it at HEART, but doesn’t see GENEVIEVE creeping up behind her)

Long time no see, Detective Heart. Drop the knife!

HEART(Complies.)

Chief Bently! You may think you’ve won, but The Buttslasher is not a man. It is an idea, and you can’t arrest an idea! Genevieve!

(GENEVIEVE attacks BENTLY,


brandishing a knife)

ERICChief! Look out!

GENEVIEVE(Stabs BENTLY’s butt, but BENTLY is unhurt)

What?

BENTLYBulletproof panties. When you’re fighting for justice, you have to protect what matters most.

(Pistol whips GENEVIEVE, knocking her unconscious. Aims her gun at HEART. OFFICER enters)

Arrest this man, Officer.

HEART(As OFFICER puts him in cuffs)

This isn’t over. You hear me? One day, when you least expect it, you too will feel the bite of my blade.

HECKThat’ll be tricky, with you in jail. Life behind bars will suit you, Heart.

(OFFICER takes HEART out.)

BENTLY(Helping GENEVIEVE up)

Gotta hand it to you, Heck. You blew this thing wide open when no one else could. Consider yourself re-instated.

HECKThanks, Chief. Be careful with my daughter there. Heart was the real psycho. My poor, misguided daughter only acted out of love.

(BENTLY exits with GENEVIEVE)Detective Eric Balls…you were right. I should have trusted you to handle yourself. You really saved my ass tonight, kid.

ERICWe saved each other’s asses…dad.

HECKCall me Heck.

(ERIC exits.)


JOHeck, I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what this must be like for you. Your own daughter…

HECKGenevieve and I will work out our unresolved differences. I’ll make sure of that now. Meanwhile…

(Pulls her close to him)…I’ve got some other unfinished business to attend to.

(They kiss)

JOOh, Heck!

(They kiss again. Then they reach around and start grabbing each other’s butt. Light fade to black)

END OF PLAY

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