فن الحوار The Art of conversation

byUSTADHA Eman Al Obaid

USTADHA Eman starting by praising Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى)

We need to have Taqwa and not to die in other state than Islam And in Surah al Ahzaab , Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) ordering us to have

Taqwa to have straight speech .

Before all it is a command of Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) , Qawl sadid , then Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) will reform and fix your deeds for you , your prayer,

reading of Quran . If you want the success you need to obey Allah . (ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص)and Prophet Muhammad (سبحان هللا وتعالى)

لماذا فن الحوار ؟؟؟؟Why The Art of conversation ?

Pleasure of Allah رضا هللا تعالى

Sometimes we are talking with desires , we need to have Taqwa . That is why you need to be sincere.

الفرق بین الحوار و الجدل ؟؟؟؟What is the difference between an conversation and an argument ???

The difference is that الحوار has an positive outcome while الجدل leads to bad feelingIn Arabic language الجوار means severe killing (شدة القتل) , so you should know what you are doing , either conversation or argument .

كیف فن الحوار ؟؟؟؟How to have art of conversation ???

Indeed it is :You (Allah) that we worship and Indeed it is You help us ,That is why we need help , no power or mighty without Allaah ( (ال حول و ال قوة اال باWe learn it to be an obedient slave of Allah , The Art of conversation is not a funny topic , rather it is to learn how to speak with old , young , friend , enemies and parents .

ایاك نعبد و إیاك نستعین

الحوار ھو الرجوع عن الشيء الى الشيء To return from something to something else , not that you are stubborn , even if you are on the truth , you accept others points , being stubborn is being arrogant , it is as if no one can change your view .

ورد الحوار في القرآن في ثالث مواضع

,And he possessed much wealth; so he said to his companion الكھف ٣٤while he disputed with him: I have greater wealth than you, and am mightier in followers.Boosting about oneself is an example of bad conversation , whereas in Surah Al Kahf : 37

This type is a good one. You need to remember your initial creation , you turn the one الكھف ٣٧you converse with in a way of question . Emotionally you draw his attention .

Allah indeed knows the plea of her who pleads with you about her husband and complains to Allah, and Allah knows the contentions of both of you; surely Allah is Hearing, Seeing.

This is also a type of good conversation , you are in a problem and you go to the leader to solve.

وكان لھ ثمر فقال لصاحبھ وھو یحاوره أنا أكثر منك ماال وأعز نفرا

اك رجال قال لھ صاحبھ وھو یحاوره أكفرت بالذي خلقك من تراب ثم من نطفة ثم سو

حیم قد سمع هللا قول التي تجادلك في زوجھا وتشتكي إلى هللا وهللا یسمع المجادلة١ . ن الر حم بسم هللا الرتحاوركما إن هللا سمیع بصیر

فن الحوار حاجة ضروریة The Art of conversation is very much needed in times of trials in order not to fall in much problem .

القرآن اھتم بأدب الحوارSurah al Baqarah :83نكم وأنتم كاة ثم تولیتم إال قلیال م الة وآتوا الز وبالوالدین إحسانا وذي القربى والیتامى والمساكین وقولوا للناس حسنا وأقیموا الص وإذ أخذنا میثاق بني إسرائیل ال تعبدون إال هللاعرضون مAnd when We made a covenant with the children of Israel: You shall not serve any but Allah and (you shall do) good to (your) parents, and to the near of kin and to the orphans and the needy, and you shall speak to men good words and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate. Then you turned back except a few of you and (now too) you turn aside.

Say the best when you speak !

Surah al Isra :53بینا ا م نسان عدو یطان كان لإل یطان ینزغ بینھم إن الش وقل لعبادي یقولوا التي ھي أحسن إن الشAnd say to My servants (that) they speak that which is best; surely the Shaitan sows dissensions among them; surely the Shaitan is an open enemy to man.

Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) command Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) , let my servant to speak the best , not good but the best . Your test is to speak good even with your enemies.

And in 54 Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) says :بكم وما أرسلناك علیھم وكیال بكم أعلم بكم إن یشأ یرحمكم أو إن یشأ یعذ رYour Lord knows you best; He will have mercy on you if He pleases, or He will chastise you if He pleases; and We have not sent you as being in charge of them.

Because the Shaytan is waiting for any occasion to divide .

Surah TAHA :44فقوال لھ قوال لینا لعلھ یتذكر أو یخشى

Then speak to him a gentle word haply he may mind or fear.

Allaah tells Musa (as) and Haroon (as) how to speak to Pharaoh , speak soft . You need to do reverse psychology with the tyrant and someone who is abusing you .

Surah al Muminoon :96

یئة نحن أعلم بما یصفون ادفع بالتي ھي أحسن السRepel evil by what is best; We know best what they describe.

Someone says bad to you , say good in return ,make Dua for them . The nature of human being is to defend himself . The hormones of defends makes you react bad .

أحادیث

یسروا وال تعسروا و بشروا و ال تنفروا

الكلمة الطیبة صدقة

لیس الشدید بالصرعة

تبسمك في وجھ أخیك صدقة

إن هللا رفیق یحب الرفق و یعطي على الرفق ماال یعطیھ على العنف

The conversation through the Hadith :

Hadith : Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:The Prophet (ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) said, "Make things easy and do not make them difficult, cheer the people up by conveying glad tidings to them and do not repulse (them)."[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

.((وعن أنس رضي هللا عنھ عن النبى صلى هللا علیھ وسلم قال: “یسروا وال تعسروا وبشروا وال تنفروا ((متفق علیھ

Don't speak to make people feel low ,make thumbs easy for people . Always give glad tidings . Be positive . Some people talked negative to themselves in order to not bad eyes , or to get attention ,

Hadith :Allah's Messenger (ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) said, "There is a (compulsory) Sadaqa (charity) to be given for every joint of the human body (as a sign of gratitude to Allah) everyday the sun rises. To judge justly between two persons is regarded as Sadaqa, and to help a man concerning his riding animal by helping him to ride it or by lifting his luggage on to it, is also regarded as Sadaqa, and (saying) a good word is also Sadaqa, and every step taken on one's way to offer the compulsory prayer (in the mosque) is also Sadaqa and to remove a harmful thing from the way is also Sadaqa." صلى هللا علیھ وسلم " كل سالمى من الناس علیھ صدقة كل یوم تطلع فیھ الشمس، ام، عن أبي ھریرة ـ رضى هللا عنھ ـ قال قال رسول هللا اق، أخبرنا معمر، عن ھم ز ثني إسحاق، أخبرنا عبد الر حدالة صدقة، ویمیط األذى عن الطریق صدقة جل على دابتھ، فیحمل علیھا، أو یرفع علیھا متاعھ صدقة، والكلمة الطیبة صدقة، وكل خطوة یخطوھا إلى الص ." یعدل بین االثنین صدقة، ویعین الر

Hadith :Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:Messenger of Allah (ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) said, "The strong man is not one who is good at wrestling, but the strong man is one who controls himself in a fit of rage."[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].. ((وعن أبي ھریرة رضي هللا عنھ أن رسول هللا صلى هللا علیھ وسلم قال: "لیس الشدید بالصرعة، إنما الشدید الذى یملك نفسھ عند الغضب" ((متفق علیھ

It's from a weak personality to speak and out piece down but the one who control his anger.

Hadith :`Abd Allah b. Mughaffal reported the Messenger of Allah (ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) as saying :Allah is gentle, likes gentleness, and gives for gentleness what he does not give for harshness.Sahih Al Albaniفق ویعطي علیھ ما ال یعطي على العنف " رفیق یحب الر صلى هللا علیھ وسلم قال " إن هللا بن مغفل، أن رسول هللا اد، عن یونس، وحمید، عن الحسن، عن عبد هللا ثنا حم ثنا موسى بن إسماعیل، حد حد

( صحیح (األلباني

Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) is soft and gentle and love gentleness , and Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) will give you something you which will not get when you are harsh . Sometimes when the mothers have a child who is soft they complain but this is a blessing from Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) .

فن الحوار

طلب الحقSeek the truth (طلب الحق ) in the conversation , one of the art of conversation is that the heart wants the truth . Sometimes you want to convince your husband to travel ,or to buy something for you. So you talk but this is desires . Most people talk for their perspectives not for the truth . Doing the opposite will be cheating . Imam Shaafi (ra) said : "I never once argued with anyone hoping to win the debate; rather I always wished that the truth would come from his side."

One Jew came Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) and told him you are the best people but you are making shirk . Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) replied how's that ? He wasn't defensive , he said because you swear by the Ka'bah . And it was truth because some Muslims used to swear by the Ka'bah so Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) told him let them swear by the Lord of the Ka'bah. Then he said , you make rivals with Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) , because you said : you reply on Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) and so and so. Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) said say you rely on Allah then so and so .

اختالف اآلراء طبیعة بشریة

Different view point is something neutral (اختالف االراء طبیعة بشریة) : everybody is different , in their intellect , mood, goals . If you are higher than someone then lower yourself to his level . The mentality is different , language , your age ,gender ... There was a boy in grade 4 who were always untidy , dirty and so the teacher always used to point at him saying : I love everybody except Him (the boy) . All the boys gifted the teacher and this boy gifted an half bottle of perfume not packed to the teacher . One day the teacher went through the file of the student and she found out that in grade one and two the boy used to be well dress and always tidy . In the grade three the boy lost his mother . Since the teacher knew about it she changed her view towards the boy . So many things might happen between people life , you don't need to know it before treating them good .

حسن البیان

Speak moderate (حسن البیان ) don't use complicated words , it will push the people away. And when you are

speaking , speak clearly , have the clarity so people can understand . Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) when he speaks

you could count the words .

الظرف المناسب

Suitable situation (الظرف المناسب) : choose the right place . For instance in public place you will not talk about religion and so on , for every situation there is some words . Specially with the phone you do not know what the person is facing , may be busy with the family and so . You need to take in consideration the time , place and so .

ال تستأثر بالحدیث

Seeing only yourself (ال تستأثر بالحدید ) some people are greedy even with the speech . They do not let other speak . The more you speak the more you will do

mistakes and the more you will regret . Abu Dhardar (ra) said : Allah (سبحان هللا create for me two ears and one tongue , to listen more . Abdullah Ibn (وتعالى

Masood (رضي هللا عنھ) : you speak as long as long as they're looking at you ,when the eyes strays then stop.

كن مستمعا بارعا

Be a good listener (من مستمعا بارعا) listen well , do not prepare an answer while the other is speaking but just listen . The more silent you are the more you will have wisdom. One of the wise people said : listen to everybody . If you sit with the Ulemah listen to them and if you sit with the ignorant also listen to them. You listen to the Ulemah it will increase you

in knowledge and if you listen to the ignorant it will increase you in forbearance

ال تقاطع

Don't interrupt (ال تقاطع ) , don't interrupt people. Usually does it to show they know better , or they do not agree , or to defend themselves ,do not cut or complete anyone sentence . Sometimes you go out with family and in the

Restaurent , everyone is using the phone .

ابدأ بنقاط االتفاق

Don't start with disagreement (أبدا بنقاط االتفاق) , when you want to agree on a point , don't start with the disagreement point , don't start with negativity . If you do so, it will stop the conversation or it will go to revenge . When Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) speaks with the disbelievers , He didn't start with disagreement . In Surah Muminoon : 84 Allah (سبحان هللا ,Say: Whose is the earth, and whoever is therein قل لمن األرض ومن فیھا إن كنتم تعلمون: says (وتعالىif you know? they they agree .and in 85 :قل أفال تذكرون :They will say: Allah's. Say سیقولون Will you not then mind? . Never start a conversation with No ,(ال) . It is better to start with yes because when you say no it is hard to say yes after no . One man said : there is two short and ancient words: yes or no ! But these are the two words that need one to think too much before uttering . No is short and can close many doors . To agree is sign that one is strong and it's easier when you start with yes.

افھم من أمامك

Understand from the one in front of you (افھم من أمامك) . You need to understand the person in front of you , there is people who are logic , other people speaks with emotions , when they speak they don't speak about the incident but with the emotions , most of ladies do it . Emotional people only want feelings . For instance when your husband come to you , he doesn't want emotion but he wants a solutions ,whereas the women doesn't want a solution but emotions . You can tell the person from their actions . When someone comes and attacks you then don't react , you need to understand why the person is attacking . When you react to the bad it shows your weakness . And this is a nurturing . If anyone shout or put anybody down then he is an ignorant . We are getting tested in life with people , when you see anyone irritate you that means Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) want to elevate you , then keep it in your heart . Someone people irritate you quietly but you do not react .

حادثھ بإسمھ

When you speak say the name of the person (حدیثھ باسمھ) when you converse mention the name of the person . Umar Bin Khattab (رضي هللا said : if you do three things , the love will be between you : call their (عنھname , start greeting , make a place for them .

أنا و أنت

Me and you (أنا و انت ) do not use the words "me" and "you" in your conversation . It shows arrogance and pride . A research was done in 500 calls , the word I was said 4000 times. Other word which is worst is " We " . You find it more with the student of knowledge. Delete anything that causes misunderstanding . Worst than this is " You " , as it is spoiling the relation . Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) never confront people saying You . If he sees a mistake he will say in general, there is people ... You should avoid anything that gives bad feeling .. Even when Allah سبحان He used the pronoun He (ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص)scolded Prophet Muhammad (سبحان هللا وتعالى) هللا

حیلة

Trick (حیلة) : sometimes people just want to speak to put you down , you need to get away ,change the subject . Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) will help you to make it . Or you will answer him but with something else . Because you are feeling ashamed and this is Taqwa . Or you can just be emotional

ال یھاب و ال یحتقر

When you speak with anyone don't be afraid of the person (ال یھاب و ال یحتقر) , don't speak out of fear and arrogance . If you talk to anyone being afraid you will lie. Don't be proud as well as it affects. They asked one successful people ,how does he succeed . He said he is being humble and respect to everyone .

ال أعلم

Use : I don't know (ال اعلم ) , and be afraid to say : I don't know . Imam Malik (ra) said: I have been asked 48 times and I replied back : I don't know 32

times . He never taught about his reputation . You need to teach the children and students .

ال تغضبDon't get angry (ال تغضب ) : don't show anger , anger is a dispraise character . Even Pharaoh was bad but Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) tells Musa (as) to be lenient . Abu Hurairah (RAA) narrated, ‘A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, advise me.” The Messenger of Allah (ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) said Do not get angry.” The man repeated that several times and he replied, “Do not get angry.” Related by Al-Bukhari. The coward lion is the one who screaming the loudest .

اعترف بالخطأ

Confess to your mistakes (اعترف باخطأ) , admit your mistakes . The believers is not the one catching people faults . You need to confess and thanks

the person who tells you your mistakes .Prophet Muhammad(ملسو هيلع هللا ىلص) after the incident of Surah

Abasa when he used to see Abdullah Ibn Maktoom, he didn't feel shy he said : welcome

the one who Allah scolded me for . If you do wrong just confess, if they don't accept it will be

on them .

اغضض من صوتك

Slower your voice when you converse (اغضب من صوتك): remember truth doesn't need High voice , even if you are angry you don't need to shout

. Don't shout in your house , imagine ladies shouting in paradise ?

احترم الطرف اآلخر

Respect (احترم الطرف االخر) : respect everybody , your workers , and anyone , specially husband and wife .

Nowadays ynnou can't see no respect in the schools . The students make fun at the teachers . Even if he is a

slave or no qualification you need to respect them .

ال تقل انت مخطي

Don't use : "your false" (ال تقل انت مخطي) : don't point at people's faults, In Surah Hud : 88 you want the good for people , so do not scold anyone . Ignore and

pardon.

علیك نفسك

Watch yourself (علیك نفسك) : whatever you utter there is an angel writing it. Look at yourself . Be busy with your

faults rather than looking at others's mistakes .

اختي الغالیة أحبك في هللا

The art of conversation to reach to Allah (سبحان هللا وتعالى) .