with jayson gaddis - amazon s3 · talk to you in a way that works for both of you. because look, if...

with Jayson Gaddis

ByJaysonGaddis

The4SimpleSteps(ThatYouCanUse)ToTalkToYourManAboutYourFeelings&YourNeedForADeeperEmotionalConnection….(WithoutComingAcrossAsNaggy,Whiney,OrTooDemanding!)

2©2015JaysonGaddis.Allrightsreserved

Contents. Welcome!.......................................................................................................................................4

Chapter1........................................................................................................................................5

YouTellMeThingsLike...............................................................................................................6

Chapter2......................................................................................................................................10

MyPersonalStory.....................................................................................................................10

Why?.........................................................................................................................................11

Why?.........................................................................................................................................19

Chapter3......................................................................................................................................21

1.YouWantYourManToJoinYouInHowYouDoRelationship.............................................22

Chapter4......................................................................................................................................26

7Mistakesyoumaketotrytogethimtoconnectwithyou....................................................26

Chapter5......................................................................................................................................28

RustyTools................................................................................................................................28

Chapter6......................................................................................................................................30

Mistrust.....................................................................................................................................30

Chapter7......................................................................................................................................32

Self-BetrayalinExchangeForRelationship...............................................................................32

Chapter8......................................................................................................................................38

AcasestudyTrish’sStory..........................................................................................................38

Chapter9......................................................................................................................................45

Step#1:Gethisattentionbypullingwayback.........................................................................47

JournalExercise........................................................................................................................48

Step#2:Tellhimwhatyoujustlearned...................................................................................49

Step#3:Trainhiminwhatyouneed…exactly..........................................................................50

TheFinalStep?..........................................................................................................................57

Step#4:Receivehiseffort.Thenacknowledgehimforanyeffort(even5%)..........................57

Step#5:Focusingonyourempowermentisthemagicpathwayforhimtostepintohis.......58

Don’ts........................................................................................................................................61

ByJaysonGaddis



Do’s...........................................................................................................................................62

YourNextSteps........................................................................................................................63

ByJaysonGaddis



Welcome! Thankyouagainforinvestinginyourselftotakeyourrelationshiptothenextlevel.

Inthisebook,we’regoingtobuildoffwhatyoulearnedinthelastclass“HowToGetHimToOpenUp”.(Ifyouhavenotreadthatshortebookorwatchedtheclass,pleasegodothatnow).

Inthisbook,we’llgethimtopaymoreattentiontoyou,yourneeds,andwe’llteachhimhowtotalktoyouinawaythatworksforbothofyou.Becauselook,ifhecan’tlearnsomeverybasicskillsthatyouneed,yourrelationshipwillstruggleovertime.

You are not crazy.

Youarenottoomuch.

Youarenormal,inthatyouwantconnectionwithhim.Youwanttofeelaheartconnectionwithhim.Thatisnormal,okay,andjustright.

Whatmattersis“how”yougoaboutgettingwhatyouwantandIthinkwebothagree,youroldwaywillnolongerworkhere.

I am here to tell you that you can get yourman to understand you, and go after a deeperconnection. And, that you can talk to him in awaywithout sounding needy,whiney, or toodemanding.Itcanbedone.

Allyouneedisthetoolstodoso.

So, let’s dive in and see how to make it so you both feel closer, sound good?

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 1. Remember, I’mabsolutelycertainofwhat I teachbecause Iwasemotionallyunavailableandnow I’memotionally available. And, I live it everydaywithmywife and I help others do thesame.

Oh,challengesarisewithmywife,yes.Butwedon’tseethemasproblemsanymorebecausewehavethetoolstotackleanythingnow.

Itwasn’talwaysthisway,however.

Yearsago,Iwasnotonlyaveryguardedman,butIdidn’tknowhowtounderstandthewomenIdated,andtheydidn’tknowhowtogetthroughtome.

Moreonmystoryshortly…

First,let’sunderstandexactlywhatyouaredealingwith,why,andthenwecangetintowhattodoaboutit.

ByJaysonGaddis



You Tell Me Things Like § Ifhewouldjustopenuptome,I’dfinallyhavetheemotionalconnectionIwant.

§ Ifhewouldjustcometotherapywithme,wecouldworkthisout.

§ Ifhewouldletdownhisguardforonce,wecouldhaveagreatrelationship.

§ IfhewouldtakeaninterestinmeandwhoIam,ourrelationshipcouldbeamazing!

Here’s how your communication typically goes: You:Heyhoney,canwetalk?

Him:Whatfor?

You:WellbecauseIjustwanttoconnect,Ihaven’tseenyouinawhile,andIwanttohearhowyouarefeeling.

Him:I’mreallybusyrightnow,maybethisweekend?I’mtootired,Ijustwanttorelax.

You:Hmmm.Okay,whenthisweekendisgoodforyou?

Him:Can’twetalkaboutthatlater?IalreadytoldyouIwastootired.

You:(gettingsmaller)Okay,allIwantedwastimewithyou,Ihaven’tspentthatmuchtimewithyou…and..

Him:(interruptingwithatone)Whyareyoumakingsuchabigdealoutofthis?(nowheshutsdownandiscompletelyquiet)

You:Yougobacktotheotherroomandfeelterrible.

Soundfamiliar?Thisisverycommon.

And,thattypeofcommunicationiscomingtoaclose,soon.

Igetit.

BecausethisishowIcommunicatedforyears.

ByJaysonGaddis



Here’saquickpersonalstorywhereIthrowmyselfunderthebusjusttoproveapointfromourpreviousclass.

BeforemywifeandIgotmarried,wefoughtforalmost3yearsstraight.

Seriously…

One of our biggest, and most common, conflicts revolved around me trying to talk to heraccordingtowhatIcaredabout.And,this,bytheway,isoneofthemostcommon“mistakes”couplesmake.Onepersonistryingtospeaktotheotherpersoninaforeignlanguage.It’sjustnormalhumanbehavior.

But,itshutspeopledown…

…andmy“way”shutmywifedown.

Here’smyexample…

Prior tomeetingher, I fell in lovewithmeditation. I foundameditation teacher I connectedwithandthrewmyselfintoit.

Istartedsitting1-2hoursaday.

AndthenmywifeandIstarteddating.

Shewasreally intoyoga.She’dwakeupeverymorningat530andgoto“practice.”Thatwashergigandshe’ddonethatforyears.Shewasn’tabouttochangeandgetintomeditation,butIstartedtryingtogethertocomewithme.

Why? Because I was starting to have some pretty profound experiences on group and solitarymeditationretreatsandIwantedtoshareitallwithher.

Seemsnormal,right?

Well,everytimeI’dsuggestthatshecomewithme,she’dshutdown.Thatwouldthenleadusintodaysofdistanceanddisconnection.

Itwaspainful.

ByJaysonGaddis



AfewmonthswouldgobyandI’dmaketheslightesthintat listeningtooneofmyteacher’stalks.

Bam!Thedoorwouldshutagain.

Shit.

AfewmonthswouldgobyandmyteacherwouldbegivingapublictalkandI’dinviteher.

What’dshedo?

Shutdown.Ourconnectionwasseveredyetagain.

And,sothecyclewent.

Until one day, I had enough of this terrible cycle. I knew I was doing something that keptmakingitworseandIfinallythrewinthetowel.

IfinallytookresponsibilitytoherfacethatIwasindeedjudgingher.IownedthatIwantedherto like what I liked. I was judging my way as better than hers and while it felt bad in themoment,itwasveryfreeingtoownuptothiswithher.

Overtime,Ibegantolearnhowtotalktoherinawaythathadherfeelingsupported,ratherthanchallenged.Mynewwayofspeakingtoherhadherfeelinglovedandappreciatedinsteadofdishonoredandjudged.

I have much more to share about my own story because I think it will be helpful inunderstandingyourdynamicwithyourman.Forexample,I’llshareanotherchapterabouthowItriedtohelpmenlikeyoursfor2-3yearsandfailed.

Okay, there are two important insights about my wife and me that we will come back to.

1. Islowlylearnedhowtoacceptherforwhosheisandher“way.”

2. I slowly learned how to communicate to her in a way that was opening instead of

closing.

Now,mywifeandIhavethiscommunicationthingdown.

And by “down” I mean that she feels understood and accepted. And, when she doesn’t(becausethatstillhappenssometimes),sheletsmeknowandweworkthroughitquickly.

And,masteringcommunicationwithyourmaniswhatI’mgoingtoteachyou.

ByJaysonGaddis



But who the hell am I, anyway? I’mgladyouasked,becauseIhaveafewembarrassingnarrativesthatI’mguessingwillhelpyoutrustmesomemore.

Idon’tsharethiswitheveryone,sokeepthisclose,okay?

And,ifyouarenotinterestedinknowingmystoryandwhyImightbeagreatcandidatetohelpyou, then feel free to skip directly to the video class and the 4 steps that will help himunderstandyouaswellasmovetowardadeeperconnection.

Becauselook,let’sbehonest…

Yourwayisupsettingtohim.

And,I’msurehiswayisupsettingtoyou.

Butsinceheisn’thererightnow,we’regoingtogiveyousomenewtools,anditwilllikelyruboffonhim.

Partlybecausethat’s justhowitworks,andmostlybecauseheno longer feels the low-gradejudgmentcomingfromyou.

Hewon’thavetodefendhimselfanymore…

Okay, here’s some backstory on me…

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 2. My Personal Story Asyourememberfrommylastclass, Iwasprettyjammedupasaman.Until Ifinallyhadmybreakthrough.

Ithinkmystoryhereisgoingtohelpyouwithyourman...

Priortomeetingmywife,Iwasaveryguardedman-boyformostofmylife.

Iwasemotionallyunavailable.

Iwasguardedandprettyshutdown.

And,whenwomenwantedmorefromme,I’dpullaway.

WhenIwas29,Iendedyetanotherrelationshipwithagreatwoman.

I saw in a moment that I was the one common denominator in all of my failed relationships!

ByJaysonGaddis



I sharedmy“ahha”momentwith soon tobeXgirlfriend. Itdidn’thelp,but I felt a tingeofexcitementinme,knowingthatifitwastrue,thatIwasthecommonlink,thenperhapsIcoulddosomethingaboutit.

I was both very excited about this HUGE breakthrough, but I also felt very heavy.

Why? BecausedeepdownIfeltlikeafailure.

And,Istartedtoslowlyadmitthat,butonlytomyself.Itoldnoone.

IbegantoseethatIhadfailedatrelationshipforoveradecade.

Icouldn’tmakethemworkandIhadalwaysblamedthewomanIwasdating.

ButIkeptthesemyfailuresmylittlesecret.

Throughoutmy20’sIfeltdeadinside.

EverywomenIdatedpickeduponthefactthattherewasahugeemotionallandscapegoingoninsideofme,whichI’mguessingwasprettyintriguing.

Butwhenthey’dshowinterestinthatpartofme,I’dgetdefensiveandirritatedandpushthemaway.

EventhoughdeepdownIwas longingforsomeonetofinallyseemeinmypain, IwashidingoveritbecauseIdidn’tevenknowitwasthere.

After that last breakup, I began to dive in and work on myself and my “relationship issues.”

IsoondiscoveredthatIwasaveryemotionallyguardedmanduetomychildhoodexperiencesdespitethefacethatIhadamazingparents.

AsIpeeledtheonionawayIlearnedthatIgrewupwithaprettyemotionallyunavailabledadandaprettyneedymom.Sincewelearnrelationshipthroughourparents,Ilearnedthatwhenawomangetsclose tome,sheusuallywantssomething fromme. Iperceivedthisasasmallthreat,soIlearnedtopullawaylikemydad.

ByJaysonGaddis



AsIgrewup,Ihidmysupersensitivesideandmaskeditwithaflataffect.

The only time I actually enjoyed my life was when I was in nature, when I was stoned, ordrinkingwiththeguys.

Womenseemedtoocomplicatedforme…yetIdidn’twanttobewithoutthem…

Very push-pull…right?

ButasIworkedonmyselfIstartedtoseemyownblockstointimacy.

Ibegantoseehowmyissueswithwomenwerenothingmorethanmyunresolvedissueswithmomandmyownsensitivenature.

I learned that I pushed women away because I perceived them as taking from me. Myautomaticresponsewastoguardmyheartandget“flat”inmyaffect.Thiswasmyversionofself-protection.

Isoonmetmywifeanditbecamethefirstmature,adultrelationshipIwasin.Iwas31whenwegottogether.

AsIworkedonmyselfandlearnedmore,Ijoinedamen’sgroup.Ichosetowritemygraduatemaster’spaperonthedisconnectedmaleandwouldspecializeinthepsychologyofmasculinityandrelationships.

Ihadavisionofhelpingonemillionshutdownmen,wakeup,andstepup.Ifeltitwasmydutytohelpmenopenupandbemoreavailabletothemselvesandtotheirwivesandkids.

Inthefallof2008,Istartedmybusinesscalled“RevolutionaryMan.”

Ifyoureadmyblogbackfarenoughlike2009and2010,you’llseepostsmostlygearedtowardmen.

Because Iwas determined, I spent over $10,000onmarketing programs in hopes of helpingmen.

Ilearnedthetools.IusedeverymarketingtacticIknew.

Ifoundedthe“TheMen’sLeadershipTraining”tohelpmenbreakfreefromtheirconditioningandlivemorefulfillinglives.Iranthatfor3yearsstraight.

ByJaysonGaddis



Ifacilitatedcountlessmen’sgroupsandbecameknownasaleaderinthethenmodernmen’smovement.

In2010Ihadavisiontobringthetop“masculinityexperts”togethertotackletheproblemofguardedmen.

Ihosted the firstever “EvolvingMen’sConference”here inBoulderandsuccessfullybroughtthe most popular men’s organizations and their leadership together. Over 40 men and 5womencametomytownfor3daystosolvetheproblemofmenbeing“unavailable.”

Welaboredfor3daysandcameupwithmorequestionsthananswersonhowtoreachmen.

Wewerestuck,theweekendended,andIfeltlikeatotalfailure.

This,alongwiththebirthofmyson,sentmeintoaverystrangedepressionandyearlongmid-lifecrisis.Icalleditmyspiritualemergencyandtalkedopenlyaboutitonmyblog.

Iwasamess.

IfIcouldn’thelpmen,Ididn’t’knowwhattodo.

Butnothingreallyworked.

Sure, I helped somemen, but overall Iwas driving themen that neededmy help themost,furtheraway.

EventuallyIsteppedoutof“men’swork”forawhiletofocusoncouples/relationships.

Moreandmorewomencametoseeme,wantingtounderstandmen.

And,thesamecomplaintsstartedappearing.

“He’s so guarded, how do I get him to talk to me?”

“Ijustwanthimtoopenuptome.”

“Iwanthimtotalkabouthisfeelingswithme.”

“Iwantadeeperconnection,buthe’sonlockdown.”

Ifhewouldjustworkonhimselfwithmewe’dbesomuchbetteroff.”

Istartedtoseesomeseriouscommunicationproblems.Themesandpatternsemerged.

ByJaysonGaddis



And,Istartedtoteachwomenlikeyouhowtocommunicatelikeapro,howtotalktohimtogethimtoopenup,andhowtotalktohiminawaythathewouldunderstandyou!

And, I finally learned how to get men to open up!

I realized that Revolutionary Man was a great vision, but how I was going about it was allwrong.

Want to know the single biggest lesson from that time?

Whenmenfeelpressured,judgedorcriticized,wewithdraw,pullaway,andshutdown.Ifwehaveahabitofbeingemotionallyunavailable,wewon’treallychangethatuntilwegetsomeconsistentfeedbackintwomainways:

1. Pain

2. Thewomenwearewithtakeastandforthemselvesandwhattheywant.

Yousee,weguysareafunnylot.Weclaimwewantconnectionwithyou,yetoncewehaveyouclose,we pull away and distance from you, but deny it becausewe don’t even knowwe’redoingit.

WhenIwasguardedbackintheday,Ididn’tevenknowIwaspullingaway.HadyoucalledmeguardedImighthavegottendefensive.Butasyouwalkedaway, I’dfeelbusted, likeyousawmeandImightfeelinsecureaboutit.

Needlesstosay,Ilearnedhowtoeffectivelyhelpwomencommunicatewithaguardedmansohecanopenupandbothpartiesgetwhattheywant.

Thisisthebulkofmyworknow.

Idigresssobacktomystory….

Around the time Imetmywife, I putmyself into individual therapy, group therapy, couplestherapyandattendedrelationshipworkshopafterrelationshipworkshop.IlearnedtomeditateandevenjoinedaBuddhistcommunityfor5yearsstudyingadvancedandesotericmeditationpractices to help me better understand me, my mind, and my relationship patterns.

ByJaysonGaddis



MywifeandIdugintoourrelationshipissuesrightfromthestart.SheandIwerebothbuddingtherapistsandwereeagertotestourskillsoneachother.

Ioftendescribedthefirstthreeyearsofthatrelationshipasbeingonegiantfight.Welockedhornssofrequentlythatmyclosestfriendatthetimesuggestedwebreakup.“Itdoesn’tneedtobethishardman”hesaidoverdrinksonenight.

Ifeltdefensive.

But he was right. Why did we struggle so much?

Inourthirdyeardating,IfeltthisintensefamiliarpressureinmeandIwantedreliefsoIdidmybesttobreakupwithher.IntypicalfashionItriedto“softentheblow”bytryingtotellheranumber of differentways that becausewe struggled somuch,we probablyweren’t really agood fit.Iwastoogrippedtobedirectwithher.“Areyoubreakingupwithme?”sheaskeddirectly. IwassoscaredtohurtherthatIbasicallyletherhelpmebreakthingsoff.

Lookingback,shehadseenthebreakupcomingforawhileasIwaspullingfartherandfartheraway.Butshewantedtobewithme,soshehunginthere.

Wewereapartforsixmonths.

Eventually,ourpowerfulchemistrybroughtmebackandwestarteddatingagain.

And,truetoform,IkeptwonderingifthegrasswasgreenersomewhereelsesoIstartedpullingawayagain. I couldn’thelpbut feel thatweirdpressureagain like somethingwas “off.” So, Iendedour relationshipagain justbefore I left for amonth longmeditation retreat (almost ayearafterourfirstbreakup).

ThistimeIwascertainweweredone.

Duringmyretreat,sittingwithmyselffor9+hoursaday,Ihadplentyoftimetoreviewthingsinmymind.Icriedalot.Ifeltalot.Iexamineditfromeverycorner.Attheretreat,dayafterday,weekafterweek,IfoundmyselfseeingthroughmyBS.

Meanwhilemywifewasgoingthroughherintenselettinggoprocessandshewasmovingon(Ihopeyougettohearhersidesomeday.It’samazingwhatshedid).Neartheendoftheretreatshesentmeaharshletterthatstartedwiththis,

ByJaysonGaddis



“I’d like to start with a request: that the man I was in love with read this letter. I really

want him to hear it, if he exists at all anymore.”

4single-spacedpageslater,Ifeltahugeamountoffearandself-doubtandclosetotears.Shewascallingmeoutwithsuchferocityandpower.Hervoiceseemeddifferent,stronger,moreself-confident.Iwasdefensiveinitially,buteachdayIreadtheletterandnewinsightscame.InthelettersheessentiallytoldmethatIwasrunningawayfrommyself.

Itwasahardpilltoswallow.Butherwordspenetratedmetothecore.

Shewasright.

Once the retreatwasover I returnedhome. I hadone very powerful therapy sessionwith agiftedrelationshipmentor,andsatwithmy“shit”fortwoweeks.

Then,Ididwhat,atthispointfeltsuperclear,right,andnatural…

…Iaskedmywifetomarryme!

(Atsomepoint,I’llsharewithyouthevowsItookwithher—verypowerfulandindestructible).

Luckyforme,shekeptthedoorbarelycrackedopenformetoreturn...

Duringthe2breakups,thefallout,andthereconciliationthatcameafter,Ilearnedsomekeylessonsaboutloss,commitment,partnershipandlove.Ilearnedaboutmycorefearsandhowtobreakthroughthem.

Ialsolearnedexactlywhatshedidto“getempowered”whichhonestlywaspartofwhathadme return.We still talk about this todayandhowpowerful thatwas forher (Eventually youmaygettohearhertalkopenlyaboutitinafuturecourse).

Aftergradschoolandthroughourupsanddowns,andbecauseI’marelationshipgeek,Ikeptstudyingrelationshipandpracticingvariousformsofcommunication.

Iworkedasafamilytherapist,anindividualtherapist,amen’scoach,andacouple’stherapist,andkepttweakinghowIworkedwithpeople.

Eachday,I’dcomehomeandtestitoutwithmywife.

Togetherwelearnedevendeeperformsofcommunicationandlistening.Whenwegotstuck,we’dhiresomeone,getsupportfromourfriends,orothermentors,oroneofuswouldgovery

ByJaysonGaddis



internal for a while and come out with renewed clarity that would help us both.Wewere, and still are, committed to churning over everything and learning from it.We letnothingslide.

Thenwehadourfirstbaby.

Andguesswhat?Thingsgotchallengingagain.Oursexlifewaned.Westartedtonotsleepverywell.Oursexualconnectionandintimaterhythmwascompletelythrownoff.

I understood why this is the most common time for an affair to happen. We faced newchallengesandourrelationshipcamesecondtothisnewamazingbeinginourlife!

We became a dream team. We co-parented extremely well. However, our relationshipcontinuedtosuffer.

22monthslaterwehadoursecondbaby.

Andthat’swhenwereallygotrocked.Thesleepgotworse.Whilewemaintainedanincredible“business”relationshipraisingthekids,ourloveconnectionsuffered.Ourintimacyandsexlifetookanotherhit.

SexbecamesomethingIavoided,yettriedtomakehappen.

Once Imarriedmywife, Ineverdoubtedourcommitment,vows,orconnection.Butatsomepoint after the second baby, our connection became so tenuous that both of us were “onguard” and very easily hurt and upset. Neither one of us was getting our adult, intimateconnectionneedsmet. I felteverything fromrejection,abandonment, tohurtandenraged. Ialsofeltveryscaredattimes.

Thentherewasabigturningpoint.

OnenightaswelayinbedshesaidsomethingI’llneverforget.

Shesaid,“Idon’tfeellovedbyyou.”

Asyoucanimagine,thiswasaseriouskickintheballs(andabigsinkingfeelinginmygutandsoreinmyheart)…

My“habit”tobesemi-unavailablewasback.

HerwordsarejustwhatIneededtohearinordertorollupmysleevesevenfurtheranddeal.

Itwasformetostepup.ShehadcalledmeoutanditsnappedmeoutofalowgradetranceIwasin.

ByJaysonGaddis



Truetoform,Idugdeepandfacedanotherlayerinmethatwasblockingmyheartfromher.

Bythetimeoursecondchildwas2,ourconnectionwasontheriseagain.Weestablishednewpracticesandexercisestomakeourconnectionahigherpriority.Itworked.

Occasionallywe’dfallbackdown,driftalittle,andoneorbothofuswouldnotice,call itout,andwe’duseourtoolsandpracticestore-connect.

Therearemanypowerful“secrets”welearnedalongthewaythathelpedushavebreakthroughafterbreakthrough.ManyofthoseIwillsharewithyoualongtheway.

Ourkidsare5andalmost7nowand,whilewehaveourusualupsanddowns,IcanhonestlysayIliveinsideofafulfillingmarriage.

We are not only a dream teamwhen it comes to parenting, butwe are a sexy couplewhosharesdeepconnection,intimacyandlove.Wetaketheviewthatwehaveyearsandyearstokeeplearning,deepening,andgrowing.

Webothstillstudyrelationshipworkfrommasterswellbeyondouryears.

And,weareamodelcoupleformanyofourpeersandstudents.

And yes, we still have big challenges, fights, and hours of no talking. And, we are far fromperfect.Nooneescapeschallengesinalong-termrelationship.

Butwefacethemdayinanddayout.

Wearestrongertogetherthanwearealone.

But every time, we face ourselves and deal. We learn new lessons, awaken new parts ofourselves,healoldbaggageandgrow.

Inawaywearejustgettingwarmedup.

We’ve been through so much, and every bruise, scrape, and wound, has only made usstronger.

ButwhatisitthatinspiresbothmywifeandItodigdeeptimeandtimeagain?Whatseparatesus from other coupleswho drift, struggle, and end things in affairs or divorce?What is oursecretformulathatwekeeprefiningaswegetstuckandbreakthroughyetanotherlayer,andanotherlayer?Whatisourkeytoafulfillingmarriage?

I’mgoingtoshareonelayerofthatinthisshortbook.

ByJaysonGaddis



GiveneverythingI’vebeenthrough,myarsenaloftoolshasgrownovertheyears,anditkeepsgrowing.Based onmy years of study andwork inmy ownmarriage, I believe thatmost therapeuticmodelsandmostrelationshipmodelsarelimited.

Couples counseling rarely delivers and very few people have an inspiring marriage.

Why? Becausepeopledon’thavearock-solidmaportools.Nottomentionthehelpthatisavailabletousisgenerallyverylimited.

Remember,I’marelationshipgeekandfreak.

I’vestudiedjustabouteverythingwhenitcomestorelationship.I’vepouredendlessamountsofblood,sweat,andtearsintomymarriageandmyrelationshiplifeandIfoundthatveryfewapproachesseemedtoactuallyWORKonaconsistentbasisintermsofrelationshipsuccess.

Thegoodnewsisthis:Itookmymanyyearsoflearning,testingandrefining,andmadeitintoapowerfulrelationshipformula,thatiseasytounderstand,andmostimportantly,WORKS.

HowdoIknow?Iliveandbreatheiteverysingledaywithmywifeandmykids.Iliveitwithmyfriendsandmyclients. I know itworksbecause it’swho Iam.And, thebasiccommunicationapproachthatyouareabouttodiscover,helpscountlesswomencommittedtochangingtheirrelationshipwiththeirman.

Inthisbook,I’llbeteachingyouthePersonalOperatingSystem.

Ithasthepowertoreallychangethewayyou’vebeentalkingtohim.

Youarenodifferent thanmywife.And, inmanyways, I’mnodifferent thanyourman.And,togetheryoutwohavethepowertobesomuchstrongerinlife,together.

ByJaysonGaddis



Hell, some of you will have your man ask to read this and learn it because it made a change in

your relationship for the better.

Usguyslikestuffthatworks.

And,thisapproachworks.

Butfirst,weneedtosetthestageandquicklymakesurethatIunderstandwhat’sgoingonwithyouandhowyougothere.

To be clear I’ve interviewed countless women, and I have personal coached hundreds andhundredsofwomenoneonone,aswellasinclassesaslargeas100ontheweb.

I’ve even led women’s circles before.

But I’m a guy. Strange, right?

Perhaps,but I’m justaguy,whocaresaboutyougettingwhatyouwantwithyourman,orafuturemanandIhaveaknackforhelpingwomenwithmen,sinceI’vebeenthroughsomuchasamanandtriedtohelpmenunsuccessfullyforyearsuntilIfigureditout.

Idon’tcareaboutyougettingagreatguyorhavingfireworksthatgoaway. Icareaboutyoubeingsatisfiedovermanyyears,throughallthehighsandlowswiththemanyouarecurrentlywith,orafutureman(incaseyouarenowsingle).

Becauseyoudeserveacapablemanwhowillshowupforyou.

And,ifIdidit,yourguycandoit.

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 3. Now,let’s lookatwhyyourwayisn’tworkingandwhatdrivesyoutobehavethewayyoudo(becauseself-awarenessiskeyhere,remembermystory?),thenwecangettoexactlyhowtogethimtoopenup.

Thewomenwhocometomeallhaveverysimilarchallengeswiththeirman.

Youwanthim toopenup toyouand talkabouthis feelings,buthewon’t, right?Maybe it’sbecausehe’saguyanddoesn’tknowhow,butmaybeit’salsobecauseyou’remissingtheboatinsomefundamentalway.

ByJaysonGaddis



There are 4 reasons your communication approach isn’t working:

1. Becauseyouwantyourmantojoinyouinhowyoudolifeandrelationships

2. Youuseoutdated,andineffective,communicationtoolsyoulearnedinyourchildhood.

3. Youdon’ttrustyourself,yourpartnerandhowtheydoit,andyoudon’ttrustLife.

4. YoutradedyourauthenticSelf,fortheversionofyouthatwantstoavoidgettinghurt

andabandoned.

Let’sunpacktheseoneatatime…

1. You Want Your Man To Join You In How You Do Relationship ThisfirstpointisasummaryandreviewofthelastclassyoutookwithmeaboutthePOS.And,youroldwayhereisSOunderstandable.

Ofcourseyouwantyourguytomeetyou,connectwithyou,andopenupwithyou,likeyoudowithotherpeople.

Yet,whenweexpectotherpeopleto livethewaywedo(accordingtowhatmattersmosttous),wecreatealotofsufferingforusandthem.

You might be thinking, “I don’t expect him to do relationship like me.”

ButifIspentfiveminuteswiththetwoofyou,Icanassureyou,thatinsomesmallorbigway,I’dfindouthowyouarewishingorhopinghe’djoinyourvaluesystemaroundrelationship.

Here’stheruleofthumb.

Ifhefeels judgedorcriticizedbyyouinanywayaroundthesubjectofrelationship,thenyouwanthimtodorelationshiplikeyou.

ByJaysonGaddis



ByJaysonGaddis



So, let’s not spend a ton of time on that one…

Forexample, youwantyourman to relate toyour current relationship situation likeyoudo,right? Youwant him to care asmuch about the relationship as you do, right? If he did, youmightbothbe“onboard”withtryingtoimprovethings,ratherthanjustyoutryingtoimprovethings.Thisisunderstandableandthisisyouwantinghimtodoityourway.

However,whenyoudon’tlearnhowtocommunicateeffectivelywithyourmanoutsideofwhatyou learned in childhood and your past relationships, you will be ill-equipped for thecomplicatedroadoflong-termrelationshipandyou’lldrivehimfurtheraway.

And,whenyouhaveanagendaabouthowheshoulddo“it”(itcouldmeanlife,marriage,hisjob, whatever), you sow seeds that give birth to disconnection and alienation. These seedsbecome the roots of the cancer that slowly bleeds into yourmarriage. By not accepting hisvaluesandpriorities,andbytryingtogethimto joinyours,hefeels judged,nottrusted,andunloved.Thenhepullsawayandyoulosetheconnectionyouwant.

Helosesandyoulose.

I have seen the same thing for years with thousands of clients. The same is true for you.I can guarantee that you are doing this in your relationship on some level. And, I can alsoguaranteeyou that if you reallycommit tochanging thisone thing foryou,yourmarriageorotherrelationshipswillimprove.We’llexplorehowtochangethisdynamicshortly.

So,ifyoureallywanttochangeyourrelationshipforthebetter(whichdoesn’tmeanchangingyourman),keepreading.

Now let’s pretend for a minute that your guy doesn’t want to read this, and he definitelydoesn’twanttoworkonyourrelationshipissues.

Whilethatmightbefrustratingtonothavehim“onboard,”withyou,himnotparticipatingisgoingtobeokay.

I want you to start seeing that his resistance is your opportunity. Cool?

ByJaysonGaddis



Infact,his“way”pushesyoubackonyourself.Everytimehedoesn’twanttodoityourway,isyourchancetogrowupandgetmoreempowered.

And,yes,Ialsowantyoutohaveagreatrelationshipwithhim,regardlessofhisinvolvement.

So, let’s do both! Sound good?

Becauseyouarereadingthis,youarethepersontosaveyourrelationship,preventabreakup,anaffair,adivorceorothercostlyactionsthatfeelawful.

Ifhedoesn’twanttodoanythingdifferent,youarethepersontotakeittothenextlevel.

Thisway,ifyourrelationshiptanks,getsworse,orworst-casescenario--ends,youcanhonestlylookinthemirrorandsay,“Ipulledoutallthestops. IdideverythingIcould.”Doingthiswillhelpyouliveguiltfreelateron,nomattertheoutcome.And,sometimes“takingittothenextlevel”meansleavingyourcurrentrelationship.

So,willyoupulloutallthestopsstartingnowanddowhateverittakestomakethiswork?Andwillyou, ifafteraHUGEamountofeffort,withthesetechniques,hedoesn’tbudge,cutyourlossesandmoveontoamanwhowouldbegratefultogiveyouwhatyouwant?

Some day there will be a choice.

But first, let’s give it everything you’ve got!

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 4. Theapproachyouareabouttolearnisnotwhatyouthink.

Mostwomenhearmywordsandthink,“Okay,I’vegotthis,it’suptome.”Butthenwhatyoudo is predictable and unwise. You know what you do? You try everything you can, everytechnique,everymanipulativeway,everythinginyourpower,tochangeyourman.

7 Mistakes you make to try to get him to connect with you. Youknowyouarefallingpreytotheseductiveapproachoftryingtogetyourmantovaluerelationshipinthewayyoudowhenyou:

1. Askyourspouseinavarietyofwaystocometocounseling

2. Askyourspousetoreadthis,oranyotherrelationshipbook

3. Indirectlyofferhintsandsuggestionsabouthowtheycanimprovethings

4. Continuetotellyourselfandyourfriendsthat“Ifhewouldonly_______”

5. Blameandjudgehimwhiletakingnoresponsibilityforyourshortcomings

6. Havehimwatchsomeromanticmoviethatremindshimofwhat’spossible

7. BasicallygettinghimtocareaboutrelationshiplikeyoudoinyourPOS.

ByJaysonGaddis



I think you get the idea. What do all these have in common?

Youare trying tochangeyourmanbyasking thathevalue relationship likeyouaccording toyourPOS!Rememberourlastclass?

Remember, wanting him to join you in improving the relationship is normal. It’s what wehumansdo.Butdon’tdoyouroldway.GethisworldwithhisPOSandwatchhimopenup. Iwanttoteachyouhowtodoitwherehefeelscaredabout,insteadofjudged.

Clearlyyouroldapproachisn’tworkingforyou.So,gettingonboardwiththe“newpractice”oflovinghimasheis,iscriticalhere.

And,indoingso,yougetoutofyourvictim,poorme,orself-righteousstanceandtakeamajorstep toward being an empowered,mature, adultwoman. It’s choosing to get in the driver’sseatrightnowandtakechargeofthesituation.

That iswhy, inordertogetempoweredwithyourselfand inyourrelationship,you’llneedtolearnandimplementthiskeystepimmediately.

Now,Iwillconcedethatwewilldoafewsmallthingstogethimengaged,becauseyoureallyneedthatinordertobefulfilledinalong-termrelationship.

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 5. Rusty Tools

In adult relationships, you relied on outdated, and ineffective, communication tools you learned

in your childhood.

Ifyouaregoingtoreallygoafterthe loveyouwant inrelationship,youneedtoseethatthetoolsyoucurrentlyhavearelimited.

Nearly everyone has outdated, and ineffective, communication tools. Why? Because youlearnedaboutrelationshipfromimperfectadultswhoalsohadissuesandprobablydidn’tworkonthem.

There was no “relationship” class in school. There was no class on how to do conflict withsomeoneyoulove.Therewasnoclassonhowtostopblamingothersandtakeresponsibility.Therewasnoclassonthedeepartofintimacy.Right?

ByJaysonGaddis



So,whenyouarenotwillingorabletolearnnew,highlyeffectivetoolsinyourmarriage,youuse the old default ones that keep you looping in the relationship results you currentlyexperience.

This is the first layer you need to address if youwant a better relationship life. Inmyotherprograms,Idiscussavastnumberofpractical,easytoimplementtools.Fornow,justknowandunderstand,thatnewtoolsarekeyforanewoutcome.

Upgrading your tool kit is essential, and that’s what you are doing here. We will soon becoveringthePOS,oneofthemostpowerfulcommunicationtoolsoutthere.

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 6. Mistrust

In my experience most adults have a core orientation of mistrust in life.

Ifyouarehonest,somepartofyoudoesn’ttrusthim.

And,somepartofyoudoesn’ttrustyoueither.Yeah?

Example. Youdon’t trust he is totally there for you. Youdon’t trust the frustrations you arecurrentlyexperiencinginyourrelationshiparealsoopportunitiestomasteranoldlesson.Youdon’ttrusthecanhandleyouremotionssoyouwithholdthem.Youdon’ttrusthewon’tshutdownagain,ifyouaskforwhatyoureallywant.

Again,youarenormalhere.Mostpeopledon’ttrustverymuch,eventhoughtheyclaimtheydo.

ByJaysonGaddis



So, why does this matter here?

Becausealackoftrustimpactsalong-termpartnershipslikeyours.

Iteatsawayatthefoundationslowlyovertime.

And, you begin to feel a little, or a lot, on guard,which is another result of him not totallyfeelingsafewithyou(eventhoughhemightdenythat)andyounotfeelingsafewithhim.

Butfearnot,weareonourwaytotrustingmore.Butafewthingsneedtoshiftfirstinorderforyoutogetthere.

Sound good?

Okay,Iwantyoutoconsiderthatyouwerealittleoralotmistrustinglongbeforeyoumetyourman...

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 7. Self-Betrayal in Exchange For Relationship

You choose any form of connection with him over being true to yourself and your needs

Mistrust has to start somewhere.

Letmequicklyexplain…

When we are babies, we have two fundamental needs. 1) The need for humanconnection/attachment (connectionand loveare food for the infant) and,2)Theneed tobeauthenticandself-expressed.

Bothof thesearealso “drives”wehaveaspeople. Thedrive to connectand thedrive tobeourselves.

These two needs, or drives, are everything to the fledgling infant. And, if you grew up in anormal family,yourparentswerenotabletomeetthoseneeds100%ofthetime.Noparentcandothat100%ofthetime.

Forexample,imagineyouarealittleinfant.Imagineyouarehungryandaloneinyourcrib.Youhave a need—hunger. You can’t feed yourself so you start to fuss. Yourmomdoesn’t come

ByJaysonGaddis



right away as she is in the other room and can’t hear you. Your hunger is upsetting so youeventuallycry.Yourmomisoverwhelmedandstressedaboutallkindsofthingsandsinceshe’sbeenparentingyouallday,shewashopingyou’dnapeasilysoshecouldgeta longerbreak.Dad isgone,asusual,atwork.Yourneed isgoingunmetsoyoucryabit louder.Yourmom,nowfrustratedandveryirritated,comesmarchingin.

Inanidealsituation,yourparenthearsyou,picksyouupwithagentle,lovingvoice,validatesyourfeelings,andthenyoudrinkmilk,calmdown,andfeelsafeagain.

Instead,becauseyourmomisstressedandgoingthroughaton,shestormsinandshamesyouby saying, “If you don’t stop crying, I will _________ (enter some hurtful behavior). Youcontinuetocry(asymptomofyourhungerneed)asMomleavestheroom,shuttingthedoorbehindher,withoutfeedingyou.Youcrylouderandloudernow.Yougetangryandscared.Ifmomdoesn’tcomebackanytimesoon,youshutdown.Youcannotsustainthatlevelofupsetand it’snothelping,soyou learntosuckyourthumb,bitethesheet,oryour lipandyougetquiet.Butyouarestillhungry.Theneeddidn’tgoanywhere.

What happenshere? You got themessage to not beneedy in thatway.As a baby you shutdownthatpartofyourexperienceandfeelshameforfeelinghungryandthenyoufeelshameforfeelingupset.

Anynormalbabydoesn’tlikeshame,soyou“coursecorrected”andthenexttimeyouhaveagenuineneed,likehunger,andyouwanttotrytogetmilk,youkeepquietinsteadbecauseyoudon’twanttofeelshamedorshame.It’sveryscaryforsuchalittlebabylikeyoutoexperiencethis.Youwantandneedfood,butyoualsowantandneedlove.Whatevergetsyouconnectionand love (reward) you will repeat. Whatever gets you more painful feelings such as upset,shame, and hurt or a threat of being alone (punishment), you will work to minimize.Thisisbasichumanbehavior.Rewardcreatesapositivefeedbackloop.Punishmentorneglectstopsorminimizesthebehavior.

It’snoteworthyheretomentionthat theresearchshowswearetwiceas likely toavoidpainandpunishmentthanwearetomovetowardgettingareward.So,thatmeanswehumansputmore attention and energy on behaviors that avoid, rather than behaviors that reward.Forexample,youmightavoidmovingtowardmoreconnectionwithyourmanbecauseyouareafraidtolosewhateverversionofconnectionyoucurrentlyhavehim.

Needlesstosay,thistypeofexperiencecreatesariftinsideofus.Westarttosplitofffromourcoreneedsandourcoreself-expressionbecausewedon’twanttobeperceivedas“toomuch”forotherpeople.

ByJaysonGaddis



Youdecided,atwhatever level, inwhatevercapacity, that inordertogetandkeep lovewithhim,youneedtobehaveinawaythatupsetshimtheleast.

Inotherwords,youtradedyourauthenticity(onecoreneed)forconnection(yourothercoreneed).Thisistherootofco-dependentbehaviorthatexistsinnearlyeveryhumanbeing.

Here’sapersonalexamplefrommyownchildhood.

GrowingupIgotthemessagethatplayingsportswasgood,whilenotplayingsportswasbadorlessgood.

Mydadreallylikedsportsandwantedmetobeanathlete.Iwasasensitive,emotionalboyandwasn’tthatinterestedinsports,butmydadpushedmetogoplaysports.

Because I wanted his approval, I relented and played sports, doing my best to hiding mysensitivenature.

Eventually I learned thatmydadpreferredme if Iwent tosoccer, so Iwentandeventually Iexcelled.IgotloveandattentionfrommydadandotherssoIkeptplaying.IwaspraisedandrewardedandsoIkeptplaying,butdeepdown,IfeltlikeIwasthereformydadmorethanme.

So,Ican’tremembereverreallyenjoyingit.YetIdidn’thavethecourageatthattimetobetruetomyselfandquit,soIkeptplaying,because,morethananythingIwantedmydad’slove.

Whenthingsgotmorecompetitive,IfeltmorefearandmoreintouchwithhowlittleIwantedtoplay.ThestakeswerehigherandIwasstillplayingsoccer“formydad”soeventuallyIquit.Mydadsupportedmewithalookofdisappointment.IrememberhowrelievedIfelt.ButwhatIreallywanted(mydad’slove)Istilldidn’tfeel.Moreonthislater….

So, what does this have to do with my marriage or my relationship?

Let’s say you are “walking on eggshells” around your man about some issue in yourrelationship.

Youare“walkingoneggshells”becauseyouarescaredthatifyoureallybroughtthetruth,hewouldgetupsetandpullawayevenmore,right?

But if you look closer, you are also scared that if he gets upset, you’ll have to deal with it.BecauseYOUdon’twanttodealwithhisupset,becauseyou’dgetupset,youkeepquiet.

ByJaysonGaddis



It’ssortofafunnytrapyoufindyourselfin.

Ontheonehand,youdesperatelywanttoconnectmorewithhim,yetontheotherhand,ifyoupushtoohard,youcouldlosesomeofwhatyoualreadyhave,soyoustayput.

Canyoubegintoseehowyouareprotectingyourself?That’sprobablywhatyoudidasakidandit’snormal.

Butasyoucanguess,thisprotectingyourselfcomesataprice.

That price?

Yourintegrity.

That’s right. Because you’d rather be in relationship with him, no matter how sparse theconnectionis,thanbetruetoyou.

Ouch.

Don’tworry. You’re like almost everyone in a long-term relationship--youwill abandon yourneedsanddesiresinordertokeeptheconnection.Why?Onereason:Becauseyouareafraidtoloselove.

Icanguaranteethatyouarestilldoingthiseverydayinyourrelationship.Thatyouhaveastorythatyoucan’tfullyexpress,orsaycertainthings.Youcan’tdocertainthings.Youdon’twantto“rock the boat.” You don’twant to upset your partner, ormake himmore guarded or shutdown,soyoutip-toe,keepquiet,avoid,distance,etc.

That’s a lot of managing, yes?

And your big fear underneath it all?

Youdon’twanttorocktheboatsomuchthattherelationshipendsandthatyouarealone.Youdon’twanttobeleft,andyoucertainlydon’twanttobealone.Noonedoes.

Can you also see, that this is a very subtle way of not trusting he can handle it? Or moreaccurately,youdon’ttrusthecanhandleYOU.

ByJaysonGaddis



The solution? Twomainways.

1. Learn togetcomfortablewithyourexperience (bodysensationsandemotions),when

hegetsupset.

2. Learnhowtocommunicatelikeachamp(you’reabouttolearnthis).Eventuallyyoutwo

can learn to co-regulate each other in a goodway. For now, you are reacting all the

time.So,getcomfortablewiththefeelingsassociatedyourreactionwhenhegetsupset

orshutsdown.

Answerthisquestiondaily,“HowdoIbetotallytruetomyselfandstayconnectedtomyspouseinastrong,lovingway?Ahha!Icandoboth?Yesyoucan,andyoumust.

Otherwise,youfeeltheconsistentrubofgettingaconnectionthatisjustokay,andnotbetruetoyourwantsandneeds.Thatisaslowburnofhurtandanguish.

Trustyourtwobasichumanneeds:

1)TheneedtobeauthenticallyYOUand

2)Theneedtoconnect!

Sobelieveitornot,bothcanbedone.Youcanbeconnectedandbetruetoyou.

Now,thatisnottosayyouwon’tdisconnect.

Disconnection is normal, but it’s how you do it that matters. Are you disconnecting in amutuallysupportiveway,orareyoudisconnectingwithhurtandpain?

Iwanttoinspireyoutoaimforthis—connectedandtruetomyself.

This is the key to a fulfilling, empowered relationship.

Thisisthetypeofvibrantrelationshipthatwealllongfor.

ByJaysonGaddis



This level of empowerment changes EVERYTHING.And this type of union iswhatmakes thewholegreaterthanthesumofit’sparts.

Inotherwords,youandyourpartner’sco-createdpowerisunstoppable;inbusiness,marriage,parenting,orwhateveryoutwochoosetotackletogether,nomountainistoohightoclimbfortheempoweredcouple.

Thiscoredynamicwillneedtobetackledifyouwantadifferentmarriage.

So,behonest.Ifyouarewatchingthefootballgameandyoureallydon’twantto,speakup.

Ifyouarenotbeingtherealyouinyourrelationship,youareholdingbackandyouareinsomedegreeofpain,andthisisthesourceoftip-toeingthatleadstoyousoundingneedy,whineyordemanding.

Youarerobbingyourmanoftherealyou.Youarerobbingyouoftherealyou.

BringtheREALyouandslowlytrustthatyou,andyourpartner,canhandleit.Ifyouareunclearhowtobetherealyou,readon…

Okay,toreview,thereare4mainreasonsyourapproachisn’tworking:

1. Becauseyouwantyourmantodolifeandrelationshipslikeyou.

2. Youuseoutdated,andineffective,communicationtoolsyoulearnedinyourchildhood.

3. Youdon’ttrustyourself,yourpartnerandhowtheydoit,andyoudon’ttrustLife.

4. YoutradedyourauthenticSelf,fortheversionofyouthatwantstoavoidgettinghurt

andabandoned.

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 8. In my experience trying to get your man to open up to you and have a deeper emotionalconnectionisahugedeal.

In fact, sooner or latermostwomenwill be challengedwith this issue. Once in awhile thegenderrolesarereversedandthiscertainlyhappensinsamesexcouplesaswell.

There’snothingwrongwithyouifyouwantmorefromyourguy.

YoumaybelikemyformerclientTrish.(Ihavechangedsomedetailstoprotecttheiridentity).

A case study: Trish’s Story Trishwantsher life tobedifferent.Specifically, she’s ina lotofpainaroundher relationshipwithherhusbandJeff.

ShewantstofeelclosertoJeff.Shewantsadeeperemotionalconnection.

Shewantsmoreaffection.

Shewantstobewanted.

Shesimplywantshimtoopenupsoshecanfeelmoreconnectedemotionallytohim.

Alloftheseareveryreasonabledesires.

So,afteryearsandyearsoftryinginherownway,andseekingoutsomeprettybadtherapists,anddraggingJeffthereafewtimes,shefinallyreachesouttome.

Jeffwon’tcomeinsoImeetwithheraloneandgatherthefacts.

Turnsouthermarriageisprettycoldanddead.

She and Jeff have two kids, ages six and eight, and haven’t had sex in over two years. And,whentheydidhavesex last,Trish reported thatalthoughshealways feltmoreconnected tohim after sex, it was challenging for her to open to him since she prefers to feel a heartconnectionbefore sex. But since Jeffwas emotionally unavailable, itwas sex thatmadehimmoreavailabletoher,soshegotinthehabitofgoingalongwithit.

ByJaysonGaddis



WhenIpressedformoreinformation,itturnsoutTrish’ssexlifewasalwayslikethis,notonlywithJeff,butothermentoo.

Sheneverhada guyhonorherpace, and sheneverhonored it herself because shewas tooafraidtodrivethemanaway.

Thisisverycommoninmale/femaledynamics.

Themore I dig, themore I learn that Jeff andTrishhavedifferentwants andneeds andaremissingeachotherlikestrangersinthenight.

However,Jeffwon’tcomein,norwillhedoanyworkonhimself.AccordingtoTrish,Jeffthinksthingsarefinethewaytheyare.Butsheisunsatisfied.

Innocentlyenough,shetriestoconvinceJefftojoinhiminmixingthingsupandimprovingtheirmarriage.Butsheismetwithresistanceandpushback.Hmmm.

Asweexploredeeper,IsimplyaskedherwhenJeffisbehavinglikethat,howdoesthatmakeyoufeel?

Wesatinsilenceforafewminutesuntilshecracked.

Tearscamerollingdownherface.Thenshegrittedherteethinrage.

Shewassadandangry.

Iaskedherwhatwastheangerprotecting.

Hershoulderscavedinassheputherhandinherface.

“Hurt.I’msuperhurthere.”

“Ifeelsoalone.”

ItturnedoutnotonlydidTrishfeelhurt,shealsofeelspowerless,rejected,andunlovedinhermarriage.

Within30minutes,IgottothecoreofwhatTrishwasfeeling.

TrishsoonreportedthatJeffapparentlyfeels likethingswerefinebeforeTrishstartedtoaskformore.

Trish said that Jeff feels like I’mnagging for somethinghe can’t give. “Healways says, “Whydoeseverythinghavetobesuchabigdeal?”

ByJaysonGaddis



“And, I’moverherethinking“Because Iwantourconnectionback.”Butthen Istarttodoubtmyselfandfeelbad.MaybeI’maskingtoomuch?”

Andso,shetip-toesaroundhimbecausebynotspeakingup,sheatleastgetsconnectionsomeofthetime(rememberwhatwecoveredearlier,right?).

ClearlychangeisthreateningJeffandthemoreTrishdemands,themorehedigshisheelsin.

Again,thisisalltoocommon.

So,thequestionsare:

*Will this relationship work and what in the hell can Trish do about her frustrating dynamic?

And

*Is there a way through this?

WhenIgetTrishtobedeadlyhonestwithherself,sheadmitsthatshewantsnothingmorethantoshareherlifewithJeffandhavehimcomealongineveryway.

SheiseagertofindoutwhatliesaheadonthejourneywithJeff.Sheisreadyandmotivatedtoimprove things. Jeff is unmotivated to change and, forwhatever reason, is choosing to staystuckwhereheis.Whilehesayshe’ssupportiveofTrishand,whenpressed,claimsheisopentoworkingonthings,hisactionsspeaklouderthanhiswords.

Underneath itall, Jeffdoesnotwantchangeandhedoesn’twantTrish tochangeeither. It’sscaryforhim(buthedoesn’tknowthisyet).

AsmyclientTrishsobrilliantlyputit,“it’slikewearegoingonawalkandheisjustsittingthereona rock, refusing tomove, and I’meager to get going toanewdestination together.” Sheadded,“ifhedoesn’tcomewithme,we’llendupgoingincirclesaroundtherockandI’mnotupforthat.”

Me:But,seemslikeyouarestilldoingthat.

Trish:True.

Atthispoint,herfrustrationisgrowing.She’sconflictedinside.Partofherwantstojustgetonwith it and startherownadventure,withorwithout Jeff.Anotherpartofher loves Jeff and

ByJaysonGaddis



doesn’twant to just leave him sitting there, especially since she loves him and they have 2youngkidstogether.

Trishfeelstorn…

Thisisacommonquandary.

IbegintoteachTrishsomeofthebasictoolsyoulearnedinthelastclasssuchasthePOS.Thenextweekshecomesinlookingcompletelydifferent.

“Itworked!ItookaHUGEstepbackanddidmyPOS.Iaskedhimabouthimallweekandguesswhat?Heopeneduptome.Heevengotemotionaltalkingabouthisdreamsthatheburiedalongtimeago.

“Great”Ideclare,“soarewedonehere?”

“No,yousee,Istillwanthimtogetmearoundmyfeelings.ThisisagreatfirststepandJeffsaidhe’swillingtolearnbecauseheadmittedhedidn’twantourrelationshiptoendeither!”

Okay,slowdown.Ihearyou.And,weneedtogoslowhere.Jeffisnewatthisstuff.

“Right,butI’mafastlearnerandwantmorehomework.”

“Okay,Ithinkyoucanhandlethenextfewsteps.Solet’sgivethemtoyounow.”

Wewentbackand forthand I taughtherwhatyouareabout to learn.Thirtyminutes later Igaveherthehomeworkandtoldhertomeetagainnextweek.

Andguesswhat?

Twodayslatershesentmeanemailsayingthis:

“Jeffwasdefensive.But Ipressedon likeyousuggestedandheagreed to try. I can’tbelievewhathappenednext!”

Twodaysafterthat,guesswhosentmeanemail?

Jeff.

That’s right, and he ended up coming to the next session. And, he came not because Trishthreatenedhimwithanything,butbecausesomethingwaschangingandhewantedtoclearhisskepticismandmeettheguywhowasteachingherthisstuff.

Jeff was big dude. I’m 6 feet and this guy wasmuch larger thanme. His handshake nearlysquashedmyfingers.

ByJaysonGaddis



Butweweresoonsharinglaughs.

I let him know I hoped I didn’t see him again because I’d rather have him homewith Trishworkingthetoolsandsavingtheirmoneyforsomethingelse.Heenjoyedthat.

Ialsocalledhimoutonbeingatypicalguywhostrugglestovalidatehiswoman’sfeelings.Headmittednooneevertaughthimthat.Herealizeditwastimetolearn…

And,Ionlysawthemtwiceafterthatandgotanupdateayearlaterthatthingshadimprovedtothepointofthemstartinganewbusinessideathey’dhadbeforetheygotmarried.

Then,theycameinaftertheygotstuckagainandItaughtthemthenextsetoftools.Andguesswhat?Theystoppedcomingbecausetheyactuallyusedthetoolsandtheyworked.

Sure, not everyone is like Trish and Jeff. But theywere smart people just like you that onlyneededafewtoolstogetthembackontrack.

And, the tool I already gave you (the POS), combinedwith the next 4 steps is a power toolcombo that permanently changes the way you communicate, even if you have a resistant,emotionallyguardedpartnerlikeyourman.

Seriously,onceIlearnedthis,Ihaveyettolookbacktomyoldwaysofcommunicating.

ButletmegobacktowhatIlearnedwhenImetwithJeffbrieflybecauseIthinkitwillhelpyouunderstandyourguy.

Thecoreofitwasthis:Jefffeltjudged,unaccepted,andnotlovedasheis.

DuetoTrish’sbehavior,Jeffalsofelt“I’mnotdoingenough,”or“IfeellikeI’mnotenough”“I’mnotgoodenough.”“I’mnotdoingitright.”

These are commonmale “wounds.” (Inmy, “End Your StruggleWith Him,” 30-Day course Iexplainwhythisisthecaseforsomanymen).

Jeff grew up with a father who treated him well, but always had a critical eye on him. Heappeared to be disappointed in Jeff when he couldn’t do something quickly, correctly, orefficiently.ForJeff,hisDad’sparentingstylewithhimtriggeredtheexactsamefeelingsof“notgoodenough”inhim.

Nowasanadult,Jeffhas“attracted”intohislifeapartnerwiththesamestyleofcriticismandjudgment---someonewhosaysthingslike“Jeff,ifyoudidX,Y,orZforme(Trish),thingswouldbemuchbetter.”It’sthesamemessagehereceivedasayoungboy.Interesting,right?

ButwhywouldJeffattractanotherversionofhisparentsintohislife?

ByJaysonGaddis



Becauselifeiscruel?

No

Becauselifeisaccurate.

Jeffunconsciously“attracted”thistypeofdynamicintohismarriage,sohecouldgrowandhealthe“I’mnotgoodenoughorloveableasIam”woundinsideofhim*(Isharemuchmoreaboutthis,inmy30-daycourseyou’llhearaboutsoon).

By the way, it’s very common knowledge in relationship experts everywhere, that we attract a spouse who resembles our parents in some way,

shape, or form.

JeffleftourtimetogetherbeforewecouldgettothisdeeperissuethathadnothingtodowithTrish.

Butnoteveryoneneedstogoback intimeandresolvesomething. I think ithelpspersonally,butit’syourchoice.And,Jeffdidn’twanttogosuperdeepinhispersonalwork.Hejustwantedhismarriagetobeokay.

If Jeff ever does get this, he will have a huge breakthrough and go even deeper in hisrelationshipwithTrish.

Here’stheotherthingyouneedtoknowaboutJeffasitpertainstoyourguy…

And, these are common male behaviors of men who are emotionally guarded or distant.

1. Jeffbehavesinwaysthatavoidconnection,yethedoesn’twanttobealone.2. Hewantsyouinthehouse,butnotnecessarilyinhisbusiness.Thiscanbeconfusingfor

youandcanfeelabitlikepush-pull.3. Heseemstowantspace“allthetime”butdeepdownhe’sterrifiedyou’llleavehim.4. Hegrewup ina familywhereoneparentwasemotionallydistantandonewas super

needysowhenyoufeel“needy”tohim,hepullsaway.5. Hedoesn’tliketoprocessfeelingsandemotionsverymuchandheactuallycan’t(until

helearnsslowlyovertime).

ByJaysonGaddis



6. Hedoesn’tknowwhyhebehavesthewayhedoesthathurtsyourfeelings.He’sreallynotaware.

7. Whenyougetupset,hegetsupsetandsohewantsyoutobe“fine”sohecanfeelfine.8. Jeffisalsoverysensitive.Heissensitivetotoneofvoice,bodylanguage,andanything

thatresembles“beingwrong.”9. DeepdownJeff(andyourguy)feelsintenseshamethathecan’tdeliverandmeetyour

needs.Thiscomesoutasirritabilityandanger.10. RelationshipsfeelcomplicatedandburdensometomenlikeJeff.OnlywhenTrishbegan

to“getit”onhowtocommunicatewithhim,didhisrelationshipfeellessstressful.

Butthethingis,Jeffwasn’tevenawarethathewasdoingthistoTrish,butwhenIpointeditout,Trishfeltsovalidatedandittookme10minutesofexplainingandshowingJeff,beforeitmadesensetohim.

IcertainlyletJeffknowthatTrishisgoingtomakealotofmistakesandsoishe.Iremindedhimthatifhewantsmoreeaseinhisrelationship,heneedstohavemorepatiencewithhimselfandTrish.

So,pleaserememberthatmenlikeJeffarereallycommon.Yourguyhasamore“distancing”relationshipstyleandithasnothingtodowithyou,evenifhemakesitaboutyou.

Letmerepeatthat:

Your man’s distancing behavior isn’t about you. It started a long time before you came into the picture.

All men have issues and they came online before they met you. And, most of those men,includingyourman,probablyburiedtheissuesoraresimplynotawareofthem.

I’mtellingyouthissoyoudoyourbesttonotmakehisdistanceaboutyou.You“trigger”himinsomeway,butthatjustremindshimofsomeprevious“negative”experiencehelikelyhadwithhisfamilyoforigin.

And,that’snotaproblematthisstage.

Rightnow,youneedtolearnhowtocommunicatewellwithhim,whereverheis.

IfyoulearnwhatI’mabouttoteachyou,youwillbegintoseewhat’spossiblewithyourman,nomatterhowjammedupheappearstobe.

Remember,IwasaverydefendedguyandevenIhadabigshift.

ByJaysonGaddis



Chapter 9. You’re about to discover how to talk to yourman about your feelings and your need for adeeperemotionalconnection(withoutcomingacrossastoodemandingortoomuch).

Butaswediscussedinthepreviousproduct,youneedtotalktohiminthewayIsuggest.

Canwebothjustagreethatyourwaygotyoutheresultsyougot?And,perhapsbynowyou’vemadesomegoodtractionwithmylastPOSvideoclass,yes?

Now,let’saddon…

I’mabouttoteachyouaskillthatwillhelphimbelessguardedandcontinuetoopenuptoyouemotionally. These 4 steps will help you share your feelings without shutting him down orcomingacrossaswhineyortooneedy.

I’ve taught this for years with my female clients and the women who actually choose toimplementthis,andstickwithit,getresultsnearlyeverytime.And,theoneswhodon’t?Theygetstrongerinthemselves,enoughtomoveonfromaguywhopreferstostayonlockdown,thanunderstandyourheartandsoul.

Okay, so are you ready to learn these 4 powerful steps that will take your relationship deeper?

ByJaysonGaddis



Here we go:

The 4 Simple Steps (You Can Use) To Talk To Your Man About Your Feelings & Your Need For A Deeper Emotional Connection….

(Without Coming Across As Naggy, Whiney, Or Too Demanding!) Inourlastclasswediscussedyouspeakingtohimintermsofwhathecaresabout,yes?How’sthatgoing?

Ialsomentionednear theendabout“traininghim” to listen toyou inaway that takesyourrelationshipdeeperandhasYOUopenup,right?Butwedidn’tgointodetail,sohereitis.

Thisprocessisveryimportant.Pleasedonotskipsteps.It’ssequential.

Youmustcommittodoingthis,stepbystep, inordertoseeresults.And,I’mcertainyouwillseeresultsverysoon…

...but…

…youwillbechallengedtovalueyourself,andstandupforwhatyouwant/need.

Youcanalsowatchthispartasavideoclassifyouliketolearnthatway,orlistentothemp3thatyouinvestedin.Igothrougheachoneofthesesteps.

Areyouwillingtodothat?

Ifso,let’sdothis...

ByJaysonGaddis



Step #1: Get his attention by pulling way back Asyoutakespacefromhim,youcandooneoftwothings:

1)Pullbackquietlysayingnothingforatleast24hrsbutupto48hours.

2)Gethisattentionbysayingfromyourheart“Thisrelationshipisn’tworkingformeandIneedtotakesomespacetogetclearonafewthings.I’llbebackinadayortwototalk.”

Eitherway,youaregoingtotakesomecrystalclearspacefromhim.

This does 2 things:

A.Hegetsspacefromtheconstanttrackingandattentiononhim,whichfeelsniceforhim.B.Yougetspacetogetclearonsomestuffyouwillsoonbesharingwithhim…

Note:Hemaynoticeyoutakingspaceandsuddenlyhaveaproblemwithit.Ifhedoes,sticktoyourgunsandtakespace.Lethimknowyouarenotgoinganywhere(likebreakingup),youjustneedsomespacetoreflectonafewthings.

Whileyouhavespace,youhavesomehomework…

Yourassignmentistogethonestandvulnerable.Staywithmehere…

Remembermost people get that if youwant your partner to be vulnerable, you need to bevulnerablefirst.Youmakethefirstmove(Moreonthatinasec…).

ByJaysonGaddis



Journal Exercise Part 1 Takeresponsibility forall thewaysyour relationship isn’tworking rightnowwithoutblaminganyofitonhim.

Youbothhaveapart,whatisyourpart?

Here’saneasywaytostart.

Talkonlyaboutyourfeelingsandexperiencewithhisbehaviors.

Format:Whenhe__________,ittriggers________inme.

Whenhe__________,Ifeel/experience_______.

Part 2 Next,makealistofthewaysyouhavenottotallysteppedup,walkedoneggshells,orgivenuponapproachinghimbecauseyouareafraidtodrivehimfurtheraway…

Examples:

§ Ihaveunrealisticexpectationsofhim.

§ Whenheshutsdownfordays,Itiptoeandtrytohelphim,ratherthanfeelmyfeelings.

§ Whenhepullsaway,Ifeelabandonedandalone.

§ Whenhe’sonhiscomputermorethanwithme,Ifeelunloved.

§ I keep hoping itwill get better because I’m scared itwon’t. (Deep down I really feel

hopeless).

§ IhavebeenspeakingupforwhatIwantonlywhenI’memotional.

§ IhavewithheldmyloveforthepastXmonths.

§ IhavebeentiptoeingandnottellinghimhowIreallyfeelbecauseI’mscared.

§ I’mscaredthatifIspeakupitwillonlypushhimfurtheraway.

§ I’vebeengivinghimsexjusttogetconnection,whenreallyIdon’twanttoandit’snot

thekindofheart-connectedsexthatIreallywant.

ByJaysonGaddis



§ I’ve been tracking him constantly. I’ve been trying to change him by suggesting

everything,books,therapy,classes,hoping.

§ I’vebeensuperemotionalandhavefeltdesperateandalone.

§ Ifeelhurtthatmyneedsarenotgettingmet.

Wearegettingyoutogoinsideandfindoutwhat’sgoingononyoursideofthestreet.You’vebeen so focused on him, it’s important to educate yourself on your own feelings andexperience.

Alotofwomenarehyperfocusedonhimandhisbehaviorthatit’shardtoidentifytheirownexperience.Infact,itcanevenbeawayyou“hide”fromtherelationship.

That’sright,youowningyourstuffandhowyou’vebeenplayingitwillbekeywhenyoureturntohimandtalktohim.

Becauseratherthanhavethefingerpointedathim,itwillbepointedatyou.

Thiswilldisarmhimimmediately.

Butdon’tshareanyofthiswithhim,untilyou’vereallygottenclear.Gobacktomyexamplesasareferencepoint.

Let’sreviewthisvulnerabilitystuffbeforewecarryon…

Repeat: Ifyouwanthimtoopenupandbevulnerable,youneedto leadbybeingvulnerableyourself…

Step #2: Tell him what you just learned Nowthatyouaremoreclearonwhatyouhavebeenfeeling,doingornotdoing,askifyoucantalk and tell him you have something to share and see if he’s willing to listen.Sharetheessenceofwhatyoucanownfromstepone.

Don’tsay“Iwanttohaveatalk”or“canwetalk?”

Thatwilltriggerhisdefensesandistheworstthingyoucanaskhim.

ByJaysonGaddis



Dotrythisinstead(whichwillhelphimopenup):

Example:

Honey, I need to callmyself out on something I’vebeennot saying,when is a good time tosharethat?

Youwant todisarmhim,soyoumustsay it likeyouwant tosharesomethingaboutyourselfthatyou’vebeenavoiding.

Thisway,yourvulnerabilitywillkeephisdefensesdown,anditinviteshimtobevulnerabletoo.

Noticehowthere’snopressure,pryingornagginghere…

Insteadsay“Honey, I’vebeenthinkingaboutwhatapain inthebutt I’vebeen,andIwanttosharewhereI’vebeenhidingoutalittleinourrelationship.Areyouupforlisteningtothat?”

NoticehowIsaidnothingabouthim…

Nowthatyougothisattention,youarereadyforthenextstep.

Step #3: Train him in what you need…exactly. That’s right. You will be training him how to listen, get you, and validate your experience.

YouwillalsoteachhimaboutNoFracking(moreonthatinasec)

ButJayson,isn’tthismetryingtohelphim?

Yes,butthisapproachisamoreeffectivewayofhelpinghim,andonethatwillteaseoutifhecanbehelpedornot.

Example:

“Honey, here’swhat I needmoving forward in our relationship. You’re a guy and youdidn’tlearnthisstuffasaboy,seemslikenomendid,soyou’renotalone.And,Ineedyoutolearnthis forme. Ineedyouto listentome likemygirlfriendsdo.Theyknowhowto listentomereallywell.I’mgoingtoteachyouhowIwanttobeheard.Areyouupforthat?”

ByJaysonGaddis



Ifhepushesbackandgivesyoureasonswhyhecan’t,remindhim,

“Itotallydroppedtheballanddidn’taskforthisfromthebeginning.Igetthatitmustbetoughforyou to learn thisnow,at this stage.And, I am finally standingup formyself, and I’mnotgoingtoleavemyselfbehindandbequietanymore.”

But…Youmustfollowthroughifyouaregoingtotalkaboutit.Don’ttakeaverbalstand,thennotfollowthrough.Thatmakesitworseandhewilllosetrustforyouandnottakeyouseriouslyovertime.

It’sliketellingachildtheycan’thaveanothercookie,butthenwhenthekidgetsupset,givinghimacookieanyway.Whatdidyoujustteachthekid?Thatifyoudon’tfollowthrough,thekidcangetwhatheorshewantsandgettingupsetisthewaytogetit.

(And, by the way, when you finally own what you have not been doing, and you make acommitment to changing it, it is attractive. Even though somepart of himmight hesitate orbalk, anotherpartofhim is attracted to you finally takinga small stand forwhat youwant).

“Sohoney,whenIsay,I’mfeelingsadandfrustratedaboutwork,Idon’twantyoutoproblemsolvelike“Justtellyourbosstotakeahike,”or“Haveyoutried…”Ilovethatpartofyouthatissmart and problem solves. And (notice how I don’t say but), before you helpme solve theproblem,Ineedtobeunderstoodfirst.So,here’showyoudoit:

“Oh, you feel sadand frustratedaboutwork.That sucks. I knowhow that can feel. Itmakessenseyouare feeling thatwaybecauseyouare soawesomeandyourboss isn’t seeingyourgreatness.”

Areyouwillingtotryrightnow?Iknowitfeelscontrived,butIneedtoknowyougetit.”

I’veevenincludedasimplecheatsheetonhowtovalidateawoman’sfeelings.I’drecommendtypingupyourowninyourwordsandaskhimthis:

“Honey,because I sowant this, I’mwondering if youwantme to typesomethingup tohelpyou?Noworriesifnot,Ijustwantyoutogetthisone.”(Youcouldgivehimmine,butthatcouldtriggerhisdefenses,soexperiment).

Getthepoint?Youneedtotrainyourman,stepbystepaboutwhatexactlyyouneedandstoppretendinglikeyoudon’tneedit.

ByJaysonGaddis



Letmeunderlinethatlastsentencesoweclearthisuponceandforall:

Stop pretending you don’t need this when you do.

Wealldo. It’s calledbeingunderstood, seenandknown inyour feelingsandexperience. It’slife-giving.ItfeelsSOOOOOgood,right?

And,ifyoudon’tdothis?

You’rebackinyourEHHcycleandendupaloneandfrustratedinyourrelationship,andhegetsawaywithnotreachinghispotentialinrelationship.Thatsucksforbothofyou.

So,giveyourselfpermissiontomakethisacoreneedofyours.It’sokay,itreallyis.Ineedthistoo.Ifmywifecouldn’tdoit,Iwouldn’tbewithher.And,ifIcouldn’tgivethistomywife,she’dleaveme.

(Icallthisanon-negotiableneedandcoveritextensivelyinthenextcourseIteach).

You’llneedtostepupandbeclearinwhatyouwantaroundcommunication.Youcan’texpectsomeonewho’sneverlearnedhowtotrulyunderstandsomeone,tojust“getyou.”Youneedtoteachhimtogetyou.

I didn’t know how to get my wife. I went to grad school, took workshops, spent tens ofthousandsofdollars,andultimatelythebestteacherwasmywife.Becauseshe’sunique,andwhatworksforher,maynotworkforsomeoneelse.

And, if youarewithamanwhodoesn’twant to “get you” thenyoumightwant to considerbeingwithaguywhodoeswanttogetyou,consistently,yearinandyearout.

So,ifyouhavethecourage,here’sanotherangleofwhattosaytohim:

“Honey,Ilovehearingaboutyourlifeandwhatmattersmosttoyou.And,Iwantyoutotakeaninterestinwhatmattersmosttomeaswell.Areyouupforthat?Imean,ifyouwantmetostaysoft,open,andnotcomplain,thenyou’ll learnthiswithmebecauseit’sacoreneedofmine.Thiswillshowmeyougenuinelywanttoknowme.”

ByJaysonGaddis



You get the idea, right?

Ifyoudon’ttrainhim,youriskresentinghimandyou’llkeepfeelingunloved.

So,youmusttrainyourguyinexactlyhowyouwanttobelistenedto.Thereisnootherwayhewilllearn,unlessofcoursehesays“Okayfine,I’lltakeaclassonthis,butIdon’twantyoutobemyteacher.”

Then,cool.

Some men might be motivated to learn, but may not want to learn from you. No problem, right?

But he’ll need to demonstrate he’s getting it slowly over time like someone learning a newlanguage,oryou’llkeeploopingwhereyouareat.And,you’llneedtokeeplearningnewtoolsaswell,inordertokeepyourrelationshipalive.

Mywifedidthisformeovertime.Shetaughtmehowtounderstandherinawaythatworksforher.

AndafterIgrewupabitandlearnedthisone,Ihadtotrainafewofmynon-growthorientedmalefriendsaswellonhowIwantedtobelistenedto.

Letmeshareaquickstorytoillustratethispoint:

Forexample,onetimeduringgradschoolIwentthroughaphaseofbeingpissedatmyparents.Itwasnewformetohavefeelingsthatmyparentsweren’tperfect,soIwasgladIwasfeelingsomeemotionsaboutourcomplicatedrelationship.

OnenightIreluctantlycalledbackafriendwhowantedto“catchup.”Heaskedmewhatwasupand could sense Iwasupset. So, I tooka risk and toldhimabouthowangry Iwasaboutsomeofmyparent’sbehavior.

And, guess what he said?

“Dude,yourparentsareawesome!Ithinkyouhavegreatparents.Iwishmyparentswerelikethem.”

Ouch.

ByJaysonGaddis



Thispissedmeoffevenmore.

Why?Whatwasthebigdeal?

Well,Ididn’twanthimtotrytofixit,changeit,ortellmehowgreatmyparentswere.Itfeltsoinvalidating.

And,thisiswhatmostpeopledo.

Becausemyfriendwasuncomfortablewithmyemotions,hewantedtotryandremindmethatit’snotabigdeal,thatmyparentsarefine.He’sdoingthatsothatmyupsetgoesaway,whichinturn,makeshisdiscomfortgoaway.

Yourmanisverymuchlikemostmen,somewomen,andmyfriend.

So,itisyourresponsibilitytoteachhimthatthatisn’thowyouwanttobelistenedto.

CheckoutwhatIeventuallysaidtomyfriend…

AfewdayslaterIfeltterribleaboutourcallandIwaspissedatmybuddy.

However,hehadno idea that Iwasmadathim. I justquietly shutdown.Butbecause Iwasgrowing and learning Iwanted to challengemyself to bemore authentic and tell himhow Ireallyfeltaboutourinteraction.

Icalledhimupandsaid,

“Lookbro,Iappreciatethatyoulikemyparents.And,I’mgoingthroughatoughtimerightnowwhereI’mre-evaluatingallmyrelationships,includingours.Iwanttobemorehonest.And,thehonesttruth is I’mupsetwithmyfolks, regardlessofhowyoufeelaboutthem.So, ifwearegoingtobefriends,Ineedyoutonottrytomakeitbetteranymore.Idon’twantthat.Iwantyoutojustlistentome.”

Hewasabitstunnedandsaid“okay.”

Wehadafewmoreshortcallsandhelistenedanddidn’tsaymuch.Nowhewasscared,andourrelationshipendedupdyingovertime.Ikeptgrowing,andhestayedstuckwherehewas…

ButImadeanothermistake.

ByJaysonGaddis



Ididn’tkeepteachinghimwhatIneededandwanted.Ijustgotlazysincehelived1000milesawayfrommeandIjustmovedon.

IfIcouldrewindthetape,I’dtakeitonemorestepbecauseIcaredabouthim.

So,here’sthestepIdidn’tadd.

Ifyoucareaboutyourman,andobviouslyyoudo,you’lldothisnextstep.

Aswealreadycovered,tellhimexactlyhowyouwanttobelistenedto.

Saysomethinglike,

“Hey,Iwantyoutolearnhowtovalidatemyfeelings.Idon’twantyoutotrytofixitormakeitbetter.IfIdowantyouradviceorsomethinglikethatIwillletyouknow.”

Oncemengetthis,itchangeseverything.

Somewhere insideyourman really lovesyou,hedoes.Buthiswayofexpressing it is limitedgivenhischildhoodconditioning.

So,becauseyoulovehim,youneedtoshowhimhowyouliketobelistenedto.

(Sexissimilarbytheway,butthat’sforanothertime…)

Tellhimexactlyhowyouwanttobelistenedtoandgivehimsomeconcreteexamples.Tellhimthat“yes,Idowantyoutolistentomelikemygirlfriendsdo.”

Ifherollshiseyesormakesfunofyou,that’sgoodinformation.

Don’tbackdown.Nowsaysomethinglike,

“Hey,thatfeelsawfulwhenyourollyoureyes likethat.And,nowIwantyoutopracticethisrightnow.RightnowIdon’twantyoutosayyou’resorry,Iwantyoutolistentohowthatfeltforme.Something like ‘oh, Ididn’tmean tohurtyour feelings,but I can see that Idid.Thatsuckstofeellikesomeoneismakingfunofyou.’”

ByJaysonGaddis



So,youaregoingtoneedtoteachhimhowtounderstandyouandvalidateyourfeelings,overandoveruntilhegetsit.

I’ve includedasimplevideo foryoutosharewithhim.Here’sasamplevideoyoucansharewithhim.Justsay,

“Hey, I’mnotgreatat thiseither.And, Ineed this. If youdon’twant to learnonyourown, Ihaveafive-minutevideoyoucanwatchwithmewherethisguymodelshowtodoit,andheusedtosuckatittoobeforehelearned.Whatdoyouwanttodo?”

ButJayson,isn’tthistoodemanding?

No,that’shislabel.

Thisisyouadvocatingforyourneedsandbeingclearanddirectaboutit.

Youcanalsogivehim thecheat sheeton “NoFracking”&“HowToValidateYourWoman”,whichwasincludedintheoriginalemail.

Keepadvocatingforwhatyouneedhere.

DONOTbackdown.

Ifyoudobackdownforwhateverreason,thatisasignofyounotvaluingyourself.

Donot keepminimizing your experiencewhile expecting him to appreciate it.He’ll bemorelikelytorespectyourexperiencewhenyoudo.

Icoverhowtobegintoaddressyoudevaluingyourselfinmy30daycourse,“HowToEndTheStruggleWithHimin30Days”sokeepaneyeoutforthatifyouwanttogetthispermanentlyhandled.

Because if you don’t value yourself, why should he?

These are the same tips that have alreadyhelpedhundredsofwomen in thepast year helptheirmanopenup.

ByJaysonGaddis



The Final Step? Is it communication?

Notexactly….Mostpeoplethinkthatthisisthekeytoa“healthyrelationship”andweknockedthatoneoutalreadyinthefirstclass.

Sowhatisit?

Step #4: Receive his effort. Then acknowledge him for any effort (even 5%). Thisoneisbig…

…andsubtle.

Putahandonhisleg,touchhisshoulder,andlethimknowyouseehimtryinganditfeelsgood.

Infact,notdoingthisisthenextlargestmistakeyouwillmake.Letmequicklytellyouwheremostwomenblowithere…

Listencarefully…Whenhedoessomethingsmall,andtriesanditworks,becausemostwomenwantitall,theygetfrustratedwithhimbecauseit’snot100%andtheyreact.

Ifyoudothisbigmistake,hewillshutdownagain,almostguaranteed.

So,likeasmallchildlearninghowtowritetheirname,acknowledgetheeffort,ratherthanthefinishedproduct.Itain’tgoingtobeperfectatfirst.But,hewillslowlylearnifyouusepositivereinforcement.

Remember,underneathhisdefensivenessisahurtboywhofeelsshamethathe’snotgreatatthisrelationshipstuff.

Nurturehissmallefforts.Seehimtrying,seehimandacknowledgehim.Lethimknowthatyoufeelappreciatedbyhissmallefforts.

ByJaysonGaddis



Like a small ember in a fire, if you gently blowonhis potential, by acknowledging the smallwins,hewillbeburningbrightverysoon.

Okay,thosearethe4steps…

Oh,wait…

Onemorething…

Asecretbonusstepontopofallofthis…

Step #5: Focusing on your empowerment is the magic pathway for him to step into his.

You getting empowered:

§ Youmodel and lead without asking anything from him (this is what the wise parent

does).

§ Callshimforththroughosmosis(and,ifitdoesn’t,you’vegotimportantinformation).

§ Thisopens&inspiresinsteadofclosing&contracting.

§ Youceasemothering,smothering,enablinghim,blaminghim,orfeelinglikeavictim.

§ Itslowlybeginstohighlightanddirecthimtoachoicepoint.

Empowermentisn’twhatyouthink.

EmpowermentisNOTthreateninghim,ventingtoyourtherapistorgirlfriendsabouthowstuckheisandthengettingvalidated.

Somewomenconfusethreateninghim,withempowerment.Thatiswhenyouarecomingfromfearvs.love.Andthefearapproachjustshutshimdown,driveshimfurtheraway,andcangoagainsteverythingyousodesperatelywant.

ByJaysonGaddis



ByJaysonGaddis



Thecostofnotgettingthese4steps?

§ Youstaystuck.

§ Hestaysguardedanddefensive.

§ YourepeattheViciousCycleofEHH.

§ Thisleadsto:

§ Himpullingawayfurther.

§ Yougettingmorefrustratedandenraged.

§ Yougettingyourhopesuponceagain,onlytohavethemsquashed.

§ Hopeful=Hopeless

§ Youcontinuetofeelunlovedandpowerless.

§ If you have a son or daughter…theywitness the strugglewithout resolution and that

hurts…

Yuck.

So,stepupandvalueyourselfinthisway.

Goforitandseewhathappens.

Ifnothingelse,you’llgetgreatinformationaboutwherehe’satandwhathe’swillingtodoandnotdo.

Finally,hereareafewdo’sanddon’tswhencommunicatingwithyourman.SomeoftheseI’veborrowed from the attachmentwork of Stan Tatkin and some frommyownexperience andworkwithcouples.

Stanwritesaboutthe“island”typeswhichisverymuchyourman.

ByJaysonGaddis



Don’ts. 1.Don’tcallhimbyhis firstnameloudly.Foraquietsolitarytype,thiscanfeel threatening.He’sprobablysensitivetoyouremotionaltone.Mywifeissensitivetomytoneandthisistrueforher.Shedoesn’t respondwellwhenshe’sdownstairsand I callhername.Besensitive tothis.

2.Allowinghimtoomuchalonetime.Guys likeyours think theyneedmorealonetime,butdeepdown,heneedsconnectionmorethananythingelseandhe’sdesperateforit.Remember,hejustdoesn’tknowthisisgoingon.

3. He says he’s super independent, but if you understood the family he grew up in you’dprobablyseethathe’sadaptedtoneglect.That’snotindependent.And,there’sahugeunmetconnectionneedinsideofhim.Youassumehedoesbetteralone.Butthinkaboutasmallboy,theydon’tdowellraisingthemselves.

4.Hedoesn’tlikeinterpersonalconflicts.Itfeelsstressfultohim.So,wheneverpossiblewatchyourtoneofvoiceanddoyourbesttounderstandhimandhisexperience.

5.Trynottoholdhimphysicallytoolong.Thatgetsintenseforhim.Beawareofhissensitivityaroundphysicalspaceandtouch.

6.Trynottoaskhimwhathe’sfeelingtoomuch.Thiscanfeellikeanattackaswe’vecovered,plusit’swhatyouwanttotalkabout,nothim.Hewilltalkabouthimselfandwhat’simportanttohim.Focusonthat.Remember,hisdistanceisn’taboutyouandhecan’tcontrolityet.

7.Don’ttalktoomuch.Youtendtotalkalotbecauseyouliketoprocessyourfeelingsthroughtalking.Hisstyleistoprocesshisemotionsinternallyandnottalkaboutthem.

ByJaysonGaddis



8.Don’toverprocesstoomuch.Keepitshortandsimplewhentalkingtohim.

Do’s. 1.MakestatementsthatsupporthisPOS(aswediscussedinlastclass).

2.AskhimquestionsthatsupporthisPOS.Askhimquestionsaboutwhathecaresabout,andaskhimtoexplainitevenmoresohereallydivesintoit.

3.“See”himinhisdesiretobealone.Example:“IknowyouwanttobealonerightnowandIsupportthat.”Yet,remembernottoomuchalonetime.:)

4.Seehiminwhoheisandwhathelovesandcaresabout.“IknowwhoyouareandIloveyouforithoney.”

5.Onlyspeakinconcisesentences.Moretalking=morestress.

6.Expecthimtosay“no”alot.It’snotpersonal.

7.Also,knowthathedoesn’tfollowthroughsometimes.Thisisnormalforhim.

8.Hedoesn’twanttofeellikeanythingisademand,sowatchthedemands(theremaybeatimeforthatdowntheroad.I’llkeepyouposted).

9.Assumehewillmissyou,eventhoughyoumaynotfeel it.Henoticesyourabsenceandisimpactedbyit.

10.Don’tshamehimforneedingtoprotecthimselfbycheckingout,pullingawayorshuttingdown.Healreadyfeelsashamed.

Believe it or not, he does want to be with you.

Hejusthastroubleshowingitinawaythatyoulike.He’ssecretlyterrifiedofyouleavinghimalone.Partofthislookslike“notcaring”aboutyoubecauseheseesrelationshipsas“toohardanyway”andthat“noonereallycaresaboutmeandwhatIthink/feel.”

Okay,hopefullythishasbeenenlighteningandhelpful.

I’mheretokeepchallengingyouandsupportingyoutogetthekindofrelationshipyouwant.

ByJaysonGaddis



Your Next Steps Do the 4 steps and report back via email. How’d it go?

After you’ve tested thewaterswith thisnewapproach, I haveyetanotheramazingoffer foryou.

And,thatistotakea30–daycoursewhereIteachyouevenmoreamazingrelationshipskillsandfundamentals,specificallygearedtowardendingthestrugglewithyourman.

Womenwhotakethiscourseeitherstaytogetheranddeepentheir relationshipwithhim,ortheygetcrystalclearthatit’stimetomoveontoamanmoredeservingofyourawesomeness.

Inthatcourse,mywifesharesexactlywhatshedidtogetmetosteptwofeetcompletely in(andthat’saftertwopainfulbreakups).

Staytunedforaspecialinvitetothatcoursecomingupsoon.

Allthebestuntilthen!

Sincerely,

Jayson

with jayson gaddis - amazon s3 · talk to you in a way that works for both of you. because look, if...

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