who's pulling your strings? - the eyes pulling... · 2020. 1. 17. · other books by dr....

Teresa Bomba

Whorsquos Pulling Your Strings

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page i

Other books by Dr Harriet Braiker

The September 11 Syndrome

The Disease to Please

Lethal Lovers and Poisonous People

Getting Up When Yoursquore Feeling Down

The Type E Woman

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page ii

Whorsquos PullingYour StringsHow to Break the Cycleof Manipulation and RegainControl of Your Life

Harriet B Braiker PhD

McGraw-HillNew York Chicago San Francisco Lisbon LondonMadrid Mexico City Milan New Delhi San JuanSeoul Singapore Sydney Toronto

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page iii

Copyright copy 2004 by Harriet B Braiker PhD All rights reserved Manufactured in the United States

of America Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976 no part of this publi-

cation may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means or stored in a database or retrieval

system without the prior written permission of the publisher

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TERMS OF USEThis is a copyrighted work and The McGraw-Hill Companies Inc (ldquoMcGraw-Hillrdquo) and its licensors

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ply with these terms

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DOI 1010360071435689

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For Steven and Amanda

Itrsquos all about them

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page v

This page intentionally left blank

vii

Contents

Introduction ix

1 An Overview of Manipulation 1

2 Manipulation in Five Acts 9

3 Are You Vulnerable to Manipulation 27

4 Your Buttons Are Showing 33

5 Manipulatorsrsquo Motives 51

6 Who Are the Manipulators in Your Life 73

7 How Manipulation Works 105

8 What Are Your Hooks 117

9 The Mechanics of Manipulation 123

10 Are You in a Manipulative Relationship 149

11 The Impact of Manipulation 155

12 Resistance Tactics 171

13 How to Make Yourself a Hardened Target 205

14 Final Curtain on Manipulation in Five Acts 237

Conclusion 245

Index 247

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page vii

For more information about this title click here

Copyright 2004 by Harriet B Braiker PhD Click Here for Terms of Use


Introduction

Throughout my career I have been in-terested in the psychological problems thatmen and women develop as a result of

their goodmdashbut often misguidedmdashintentions In the mid-1980s just as the full thrust of the womenrsquos movement wasbeginning to alter the American labor force and the fabricof American life I wrote The Type E Woman How toOvercome the Stress of Being Everything to EverybodyThat book compared and contrasted the different types ofstresses of men and women Specifically it examined thecontinuing stress cycles created by womenrsquos flawed attemptsto ldquohave it allrdquo by trying to meet everyone elsersquos needs atthe expense of their own health and welfare

For nearly 20 years now high-achieving women across theUnited States and indeed the world over have identified withthe Type E concept They have populated my clinical practiceretained me to consult in their businesses invited me to givekeynote speeches and formed a receptive and gracious audi-ence for my radio and television appearances

No matter how powerful or successful Type E womentalk to me about how their desire to make others happy setsthem up to be victims in damaging manipulative relationships

I revisited the topic of people-pleasing twenty-first centurystyle just a few years ago in another book called The Disease

ix

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page ix


to Please Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome This timeaided by the Internet I created a Web sitemdashwwwDiseaseTo-Pleasecommdashfor readers to communicate with me as well aswith other people-pleasers so that they could benefit from anonline supportive community

Since publication of The Disease to Please in 2001 I havereceived a continuous stream of e-mails and messages on theWeb sitersquos guest book from both women and men who identifywith the problem The theme of these messages is consistentPeople-pleasersrsquo nice intentions make them an easy mark formanipulators And the victim status they adopt when manip-ulators wrest away their freedom self-direction and sense ofpersonal control creates deeper and more damaging emotionalproblems

The message to me came loud and clear My readers couldreally use a good self-help book that cuts through the fog ofconfusion that manipulation produces They need to betterunderstand why how when and by whom they get manipu-lated Most important of course they need to know what theycan do to stop it

However make no mistake people-pleasers are by nomeans the only ones vulnerable to manipulation Nearly 30years of practice as a clinical psychologist and managementconsultant have driven that point home to me I have wit-nessed the painful disruptive and disabling effects of manip-ulation on patients and clients from varied backgrounds withdisparate personalities of wide age ranges and all levels ofeconomic educational and social status

Some people are easier targets than others but nobody iscompletely invulnerable to skilled manipulators I haveworked with patients and corporate clients who never felt theneed to speak to a psychologist until they found themselves


x

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page x

Introduction

xi

under someonersquos thumbmdashunable to extricate themselves froma manipulative spouse a controlling boss an ambitious subor-dinate a back-stabbing competitive coworker a guilt-inducingmother or an insecure friend The list of manipulators goeson and on

My own experience with manipulative relationships extendswell beyond a merely professional interest I know firsthand thetoll on self-esteem happiness and emotional and physicalhealth that manipulation exacts I have been entangled in theinsidious web of coercive manipulative control I never wantto go there again

In the interest of self-protection as well as the welfare ofthose who seek my professional help I have worked for manyyears to develop tactics and strategies to resist manipulationI have written Whorsquos Pulling Your Strings in order to sharethose skills with a wide audience My goal simply is to helpreaders break the shackles of manipulation and reclaim con-trol over their own lives

There are a few important caveats about the audience forthis book Whorsquos Pulling Your Strings is about emotional orpsychological manipulation It is not intended to apply to rela-tionships in which physical violencemdashor the threat of physicalviolencemdashis used as a means of control

If you are the victim of a physically abusive relationshipyou do not have the luxury to read this book Not now Youneed to take urgent steps to protect yourself and others byputting as much physical and psychological distance as possiblebetween you and the person who has been abusing you

Neither is this book intended for people being manipulatedby someone who abuses alcohol andor drugs Alcoholicsaddicts and substance abusers are quite literally not in theirright minds by virtue of the intoxicants they ingest You simply

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page xi

cannot deal effectively with an abuser until he or she gets thesubstance-abuse problem under control As long as substanceabusers keep drinking or using your problems with them willcontinue Manipulation is a core symptom of their illness youneed to be part of the solution not part of the problem

Finally this book is not intended for those being pressuredor coerced into illegal activities Whether it is a corrupt bossat work who wants you to ldquocook the booksrdquo a boyfriend orgirlfriend who intends to lie and defraud others and wantsyou to swear to it or any other person who is pushing you tocross the line of criminal behavior you need to get away fromthe relationship and away from the manipulator immediatelyThere is no room here for negotiation

Barring these exceptions this book is for you How do Iknow I have yet to meet anyone who has not been manipu-lated by someone at some point in his or her life So everyonecan benefit from learning how to resist manipulation If you arethe victim or target of a manipulative relationship right nowtake comfort in knowing that you are not alone Millions ofpeople share the feelings that manipulation producesmdashtheimpotent sense that there is nothing you can do to interruptthe toxic cycle or to limit the damage

This is just how a manipulator wants you to feelMy fervent hope is that this book will shed new light on

your problem and change your feelings of helplessness con-fusion and loss of control If we succeed together you willhave a great answer the next time someone asks you ldquoWhorsquospulling your stringsrdquo You can look them dead in the eye andsay ldquoNobody but merdquo


xii

Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page xii

An Overview of Manipulation

Have you ever felt as though some-one is pulling your stringsmdashmaking youdo things you would rather not or stop-

ping you from doing things you would prefer to continueHave you tried to untangle the strings only to find that youbecome more entrapped with each futile struggle

Manipulation respects no relationship boundaries It caninvade your most intimate personal relationships with yourspouse or lover It can happen at workmdashwith peers and non-peers alike Manipulative relationships occur in families orga-nizations friendships professional relationships and even atchurches synagogues mosques or other places of worship

There are no age limitations or gender preferences Men andwomen of all ages and sexual orientations can be manipulativeand manipulated And whenever life transitionsmdashpositive ornegativemdashtake place with their inevitable stress uncertainty andanxiety the red carpet is unfurled for manipulation

Ironically manipulation takes particular hold in those rela-tionships where you have the most to gain andor the most to

1

1

Ch01_Braiker_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page 1


lose These include your most significant bondsmdashyour familymarriage romantic partner coworkers friends even yourmentors and advisors

If someone is pulling your strings then I have written thisbook for you

If you are the victimmdashor former victimmdashof manipulationyou very likely feel confused resentful frustrated helplessstuck andor pretty angry You are also likely to feel guiltyanxious and depressed especially if the manipulation hasgone on for a long time

You probably want to know why and how you becameensnared in such a maddening no-win relationship so that itwill not happen to you again Most important you want toknowmdashyou need to knowmdashhow to stop being manipulatedThis book will answer your questions

Control and Countercontrol

When you participate in a manipulative relationship youunwittingly collude with the person who seeks to controlyou Every time you comply capitulate cave in or other-wise satisfy your manipulatorrsquos wishes and purposes youreinforce the toxic cycle that is compromising your self-esteem co-opting your values and corroding your emo-tional wiring

Being manipulated is a highly stressful experience It isunpleasant demeaning and disturbing And it is harmfulto your physical health toomdashliterally

I wrote this book for people who are targetedexploited and controlled by manipulators I did not writethis book to enlighten manipulators about the unfairness


2


of their tactics and purposes Nor do I expect to change theminds or methods of manipulative people by appealing tothem directly These would be futile exercises

Instead I wrote this book to make you and other vic-tims of manipulation aware of your countercontrol And Iintend to empower you to use that countercontrol I realizethat your participation in the manipulation probably hasmade you feel quite powerless This is what the manipula-tor wants you to believe However the truth is that you holdthe key to either making the manipulator successful or foil-ing his or her efforts

Manipulation is used because it works As long as youallow a manipulator to exploit and control you he or she willcontinue to manipulate However if you make the manip-ulation ineffective by changing your behavior the manipula-tor will be forced to change tactics or to seek an easier targetelsewhere

You are not likely to change a manipulator by pointing outthat her tactics are unfair or that you feel unhappy with theway the relationship is going To put it bluntly manipulatorsdo not care about your feelings They are out to serve one pur-pose to advance their own interests and goals frequently atyour expense If you benefit from a manipulative relationshipit is merely accidental

You can however exercise countercontrol to change thepower balance of the relationship When you stop rewardingmanipulative tactics by ceasing to cooperate comply pleaseacquiesce apologize or respond to intimidation or threatsyou will unilaterally alter the nature of the manipulative rela-tionship Then you can stop or at least begin to reverse theemotional havoc that the relationship has wreaked


3


Manipulation versus Influence

To manipulate according to Websterrsquos is ldquoto control or playupon by artful unfair or insidious means especially to onersquosown advantage to change by artful or unfair means to serveonersquos purposesrdquo

For the purposes of this book as well as your own self-protection you should assume that being on the receiving endof manipulation is necessarily a negative harmful experienceManipulation reinforces dependency helplessness and vic-timization In turn these rigid roles constrict the relationshiprsquoscapacity to function or grow normally in a healthy and bal-anced way Under the burdensome weight of manipulationrelationships stagnate into a highly lopsided power imbalance

As long as the manipulation persists the manipulator growsseemingly stronger and bolder in his tactics although insecu-rity and fears may lie within And the victim grows weaker andever more compliant even as hostility grows within

Manipulation is different frommdashand should not be con-fused withmdashlegitimate direct above-board influence We allengage in attempts to influence others In some relationshipssuch as parent-child teacher-student and therapist-patientbonds attempted influence in the service of the targetrsquos bestinterests and needs is central to the definition of roles

Healthy appropriate influence generally is shaped by aprocess of reward It is guided by open honest and directcommunication Strategies of threats and coercion are notused The agenda or purpose of the influence is defined andmade public to the participants

In contrast manipulation thrives in an atmosphere of indi-rect devious and even deceptive communication Agendasfrequently are hidden and purposes disguised Threats intim-


4


idation and coercion are preferred tactics Manipulators seekthe opportunity to ensnare and entrap their victims Theyoften proceed in subtle devious or covert ways so that themanipulative character of the relationship is well establishedlong before its true nature becomes apparent to the victim

Some manipulators are fully conscious and intentionalabout their actions They are skilled at coercion and controland take pride in their ability to bend othersrsquo wills to suit theirpurposes Other manipulative people however operate fromless conscious or intentional motives These manipulators mayact out of their own fear insecurity or other emotional drivesand may not be fully aware of the manipulative impact of their actions Still they make the basic connection betweentheir tacticsmdashwhat they do to exert pressure on their targetmdashand the compliance they seek And they continue to use coer-cive tactics to advance their own interests

Whether their manipulation is intentional or uninten-tional once rewarded manipulators exert the same negativeimpact on their victims In both cases the victimrsquos complianceor capitulation rewards the manipulatorrsquos efforts and fuels thecycle of ongoing coercion and control

The Bookrsquos Three Purposes

The first purpose of this book is to help you decode and bet-ter understand how manipulation works As you becomemore knowledgeable about the motives and methods ofmanipulators you will become more adept at spotting poten-tial manipulators in your midst and avoiding them before theypull you into their web of control

You will better understand your role as an unwitting col-laborator with those who seek to manipulate you for their


5


personal gain frequently at the expense of your self-interestsAnd you will identify aspects of your personality and mind-set that make you particularly vulnerable to manipulation

Second the book will help you strengthen those areas ofyour personality that set you up as a soft target or a ldquomarkrdquofor manipulation By hardening yourself as a target and bydeveloping a keen awareness of the motives and methods ofmanipulators you will be less vulnerable to manipulative con-trol now and in the future

Third and most important this book will teach you thenecessary resistance tactics to help you break free of manipu-lation The resistance tactics can be adapted to any manipula-tive relationship With the knowledge of what is possible you can choose your battles and decide how far to go and with whom

You also will face head-on the difficult but essential ques-tion of when to stay and when to leavemdashwhen to put yourefforts toward modifying the relationship dynamic by chang-ing your own behavior first and when to put your effortstoward separating yourself from the manipulative relation-ship and the manipulator altogether

Who Is Vulnerable to Manipulation

The short answer is everybody The longer answer is thatsome people are more vulnerable than others These easymarks or soft targets are like catnip to manipulators Suscep-tible marks broadcastmdashalbeit inadvertentlymdashtheir vulnera-bility in the habits and mind-sets they display to othersPicking up the cues manipulators are drawn to these softareas or ldquobuttonsrdquo in their targetrsquos personality and then pro-ceed to push with impunity


6


In Chapter 3 you will have an opportunity to assess yourown vulnerability to manipulation First though I would liketo take you through five case studies of manipulation to putsome human faces and warm-blooded feelings on the cold cal-culus of manipulation


7



Manipulation in Five Acts

Ma n i p u l a t i o n c o m e s in manyforms and guises If the written casestudies of all the patients I have

treated in my career who were involved in manipulative rela-tionships were placed end to end they would number in thehundredsmdashif not thousandsmdashof pages far too many for onebook For our purposes I have chosen five stories that arerepresentative of the coercive control and helplessness thatmanipulation creates

In the brief case studies that follow you will meet someof my patients and some of the people in their livesmdashspousesromantic partners parents siblings coworkers and so onAnd you will be introduced to the manipulative situationsthey faced If you are now or have ever been in a manipula-tive relationship you may very well recognize or identifywith some of these people and their situations that may seemdisturbingly familiar Keep these case studies in mind as youread through this book I will be referring back to many ofthese examples to illustrate key points about manipulationas we proceed

9

2



As you learn about the dynamics of manipulation and theresistance tactics that can effectively derail the process thinkabout how you would handle the dilemmas in which mypatients found themselves Later we will revisit these casestudies and find out how each was resolved

Act One A Tale of Two Cindys

Bob is a very successful physician in Beverly Hills CaliforniaHe is often invited to deliver speeches or appear on distin-guished panels at medical conferences around the country Onone of his trips to New York City he met Cindy whose job itwas to coordinate and produce medical conferences for largepharmaceutical companies universities and other clients Boband Cindy were attracted to each other immediately and soonbegan an intense romance

It had both the excitement and difficulties that typify long-distance relationships given his home and medical practiceon the West Coast and her home and base of operations onthe East Coast As the relationship grew Bob would find him-self flying to New York almost weekly for passionate but all-too-brief weekends

When he first came to see me I asked Bob what had ini-tially attracted him to Cindy He told me without hesitationthat he loved her confidence She was beautiful well poisedself-assured a great conversationalist and a terrific lover Butabove all he prized her seeming independence She had builta successful career and from his perspective as a participantat many of the medical conferences she orchestrated Cindyseemed supremely competent at her job too

After 3 months of living apart Bob and Cindy decided thatthe long-distance part of the relationship was becoming too


10


difficult for them both and they discussed living together andeventually getting married There was little debate about logis-tics They agreed that it would be both unwise and impracti-cal for Bob to give up his thriving medical practice and startover from scratch in New York Therefore Cindy happily vol-unteered to move west Within a month of their decisionCindy packed up and moved in with Bob in his plush West LosAngeles home

At first it was bliss for them both Cindy doted on Bobalways making herself available to him She loved cooking forhim and fussing over him and Bob loved the attention whichhe tried to reciprocate in kind

Then one day a couple of weeks into the new setup Bobannounced that he had made plans to play tennis with someof his friends the coming Saturday Cindy was not happy aboutthat at all Her reaction took Bob by surprise

She pouted and complained that she was being ldquoaban-donedrdquo after she had ldquogiven up everythingrdquo to move to Cal-ifornia She did not know anyone in California and ldquowhatwas she supposed to do while he was out all dayrdquo and so onalong that refrain

Just like that Cindy seemed entirely different to Bob Theindependent self-confident New Yorker now looked morelike a needy dependent woman

This was a side of Cindy Bob had never seen beforemdashandone that he did not like But Cindyrsquos mood rebounded afterBob promised to hurry back to her as soon as the game wasover forfeiting his plans to have lunch with his friends

For a while it seemed the ldquooldrdquo Cindy was backHowever the tennis game incident was just the beginning

Each time Bob wanted or needed to go somewhere aloneCindyrsquos complaints increased At first she tried pouting


11


sulking crying the silent treatment playing the martyr andwithholding sex as ways to pressure and punish Bob Oftenshe succeeded in manipulating him into changing his plans oroccasionally inviting her to come along She was very adeptat making him feel guilty for leaving her alone

Over time her sulking gave way to angry outbursts andscreaming fits Since Bob hated fighting and emotional chaoshe was readily manipulated He canceled plans turned downinvitations for tennis and golf and shortened his workouts atthe gym Her angry outbursts so unnerved Bob that he foundhimself quickly placating her whenever she started to screamat him He was looking for a way to shut off ldquothe painrdquo asquickly as possible Cindy for her part saw how effective araised voice could be as a potent weapon in her arsenal anddid not hesitate to pull it out with alarming frequency Even-tually if he only thought Cindyrsquos anger was about to erupthe capitulated almost immediately to whatever she asked

Sometimes after he apologized and promised never toldquoabandonrdquo her the ldquooldrdquo Cindy would return at least for ashort time But Bob was troubled by the pattern that haddeveloped Most of all he was bothered by his own behav-ior He did not respect men who were manipulated by womenThe ldquonewrdquo Cindy was weighing him down with her clingyunstable behavior She was tearful or raging angry wheneverhe tried to make plans with his male friends Worse Cindyeven started punishing Bob with the silent treatment or bywithholding sex whenever he was ldquoon callrdquo for the weekend

Bob so dreaded Cindyrsquos punishing emotional meltdownsthat he developed sharp stomach pains whenever he madeplans to play tennis or golf with his friends Cindy passed noopportunity to remind Bob of all that she had given up tomove to California He was disappointed with her lack of


12


effort to make new friends or find something worthwhile todo but she was expert at pulling his guilt strings After all hereasoned how could he abandon her after the sacrifices shehad made for him

He began buying her expensive presents to ease his con-science a behavior she actively encouraged If Bob took a callfrom one of his friends at home he could sense Cindy begin-ning to pout and his stomach tensed up with pain in antici-pation of the scene that was sure to ensue

Bob felt as though he lived with two Cindysmdashthe confidentsupportive woman he had fallen in love with only 6 monthsago and the one that used every emotional ploy to get him tobend to her will The bigger problem was that he did not likeor respect the ldquonewrdquo Bob that the second Cindy seemed tobring out

Six months after Cindy moved in with him Bob came tosee me Bobrsquos physician referred him to me after tactfully sug-gesting that Bobrsquos stomach pains were likely the result of hav-ing ldquotwordquo women in his life

Act Two Dinner at Momrsquos

Jim and Sally originally came to see me for couplesrsquo therapyThey had been in a long-term relationship and wanted towork out some relatively minor issues before getting marriedThe therapy was successful and the wedding took place

A little more than 1 year later I was a bit surprised to findtheir names on my appointment schedule again This timethere were family problems

Sally came from a small family There were her parentsand one sister Susie Susie was married and had two smallchildren


13


Bobrsquos family was considerably larger Besides his parentshe had four siblingsmdashtwo brothers and two sistersmdashall ofwhom were married and had a slew of kids among them

The new problem focused on Sallyrsquos mom Martha whoalways made Friday night dinner for the familymdashmeaningSusie her husband and two kids and of course Sally WhenSally married Jim Martha expected Sally and Jim for dinnerevery Friday night too As she had done all her life Sallycomplied with her motherrsquos desires

After several months of regular Friday night dinners atMartharsquos however Sallyrsquos husband Jim expressed a desireto spend some Friday nights with his own family Sally feltthat Jim had a valid point so she told her mom one day thatthey would not be over for dinner on the next Friday nightHer mom did not take the news well

She asked incredulously how Sally could break with thislong-standing Friday night tradition Sally tried to explainthat Jim had a right to spend time with his family too But inno time Sally felt the familiar guilt for having upset hermother Martha sobbed softly that Sally would be breakingher fatherrsquos heart and hurting her sister if she and Jim brokeranks and went elsewhere on Fridays ldquoWersquore just a smallfamily and if you donrsquot come then wersquoll feel so lonely Yoursister wonrsquot get a chance to see you either and you know howclose you two are and how much she and her kids look for-ward each week to seeing yourdquo

Sally now riddled with guilt said that the plans with Jimrsquosparents for the following week had already been made andcould not be changed She apologized profusely asking hermother to forgive her just this one time During that longweek however Sally got the cold chill from her mother Thedaily mother-to-daughter calls ceased When Sally called her


14


mother she could only reach the answering machine Anddespite her messages the calls were not returned When Sallyfinally managed to get her mother on the phone she receivedcurt monosyllabic responses Sally was getting frostbite

By Friday morning Sally caved in under the heavy bur-den of guilt She pled with Jim to cancel with his parents andto go to her motherrsquos house that night for dinner Otherwiseshe feared her mother might never speak to her again ldquoThesilent treatmentrdquo she said ldquois unbearablerdquo Jim accededbecause he could not stand to see Sally in such distress Buthis resentment toward Martha grew

Sally and Jim resumed their previous pattern of Fridaysat Martharsquos However as weeks went by Jim became evermore resentful of the manipulation of his wifemdashand his ownmanipulation too he reminded himselfmdashby his mother-in-law He would come to dinner on Fridays but his mood wassurly He withdrew and did not participate in conversations

To Sally things had gone from bad to worse Now she feltas though her mother and her husband were manipulating herat the same time She was between a rock and a hard placemdashcaught between Jimrsquos sulking punishing behavior and hermotherrsquos masterful guilt induction

Sally even tried asking Martha to invite Jimrsquos family toFriday night dinners too Her mother said that she wouldlove to but that ldquotherersquos so many of them and we have onlya small dining room table in the apartmentrdquo Sally offeredto make dinner some Friday nights and invite both familiesBut Martha rejected the idea out of hand because ldquoit justwouldnrsquot be the samerdquo Besides she did not want to ldquobreakthe traditionrdquo

Jim in the meanwhile was starting to catch heat fromhis side of the family While they did not have a Friday night


15


tradition as strong as Martharsquos they did like to get togetheron Friday have a casual dinner and just have fun Worsesome of his family began to feel that maybe Sally did not likethem and that she was preventing Jim from seeing his family

Martharsquos manipulative hooks were embedded very deeplyin Sally The guilt and conflict with Jim were causing consid-erable stress and strain in the new marriage When Sallyannounced that she was pregnant Martha raised her controlmaneuvers to a new level No matter what Sally and Jim saidthey wanted to do Martha seemed able to override theirwishes and to manipulate Sally into compliance with herdemands often at Jimrsquos andor Sallyrsquos expense

This is when an agitated Jim and a very pregnant Sallywalked into my office

Act Three Location Location Location

Five minutes after Francine started telling me why she hadcome to see me I already knew the punch line Her storymdashrather her type of storymdashwas very familiar to me

Francine was an attractive 26-year-old working as a com-mercial real estate broker at a prestigious firm She had been atthe firm about 2 years when Arnie a seasoned 38-year-oldsenior broker approached her and asked her out to lunchArnie was one of the top performers in the firm and she wasflattered that he even knew her name And she was thrilled tofind out that Arnie had what appeared to be a lucrative busi-ness proposition for her

It is common in brokerage offices for two brokers to gettogether and form a partnership It is also common for a moreseasoned broker to take a young proteacutegeacute under his or herwing and teach him or her the ropes But Francine was sur-


16


prised that the top broker in the office asked her to comeunder his guidance

Arniersquos proposal was along these lines He explained thathis wife was pregnant with their second child He had workedlong hours and weekends to build his career soon after he andhis wife married While he was building financial security hehad missed out on much of his sonrsquos growing up He regret-ted missing so many soccer and little league games musicalrecitals and school plays

But now that he was going to have a second child hewanted to cut back on his grueling work schedule to spendmore time with his wife and family In fact he no longerwanted to work any weekends or late evenings if he couldpossibly avoid it His partnership proposal with Francine wassimple andmdashby the waymdashfairly common After a probation-ary period of about 6 months they would formalize the rela-tionship in writing He would then cut her in on all his deals inexchange for her doing the brunt of the legwork the researchthe late hours and the weekend work She would learn a lot and eventuallymdashArnie never specified when exactlymdashgetvery rich

Francine jumped at the chance and they shook hands Intruth aside from being deliriously happy about what wassaid at the meeting she also was delighted to realize that thiswas a firm that allowed an employee to have a successfulcareer and a family While she was still single she hoped oneday to have a husband and family She was reassured toknow that she worked for a company that would support herstriving to ldquohave it allrdquo

Francine never worked as hard as she did for the next 6months Arnie was a natural business getter and he kept herhopping She was knee-deep involved in every deal and often


17


was in the office past midnight and on virtually every week-end She willingly gave up having any kind of social life fora while Arnie left work early and never came in on week-ends ldquoThatrsquos okayrdquo she told herself ldquoThis is what I signedup forrdquo

After 6 months she anxiously waited for Arnie to for-mally end her probationary period and allow her to reap someof the financial benefits that had been promised her But Arniesaid nothing

She waited about 2 weeks and tentatively broached thesubject with him telling herself that he was so busy that heprobably had forgotten However when she started to raisethe subject he exploded in a rage and threatened to cancel thewhole arrangement

Francine was stunned and retreated to her cubicle like awounded kitten

The next day he apologized for his outburst but did notraise the subject about when her probationary period wouldend She decided to wait another week to bring the subject upagain unless he did first But he did not

From then on whenever she did talk to Arnie about whenshe would begin to see some financial rewards he would lec-ture her about trust and threaten to pull out of their arrange-ment if she did not have faith in him Finally Francineconvinced herself to trust Arnie reasoning or rationalizingthat this might be his way of testing her loyalty She vowedto herself not to broach the subject again And she didnrsquot asanother 3 months went by

Late one Saturday afternoon as she was preparing to leavethe office the phone rang on Arniersquos desk Francine answeredit as she was accustomed to doing and found herself talkingto Arniersquos wife Phyllis Phyllis asked if she could speak with


18


Arnie Naturally Francine said he was not there Then Phyl-lis asked when he had left And Francine caught herself as shewas about to say the truthmdashwhich was that Arnie had notbeen there all day He never worked on weekends

Sensing a problem and not wanting to get Arnie in trou-ble Francine lied and said that she had just arrived and didnot know when Arnie left The conversation ended cordiallyand Francine put it out of her mind

However the same thing happened the following SaturdayArniersquos wife called looking for him or asking what time he hadleft the office Again Francine covered for Arnie but thistimemdashbeing unable to resist her own curiositymdashshe managedto discern that Phyllis believed that Arnie had been coming towork with Francine every Saturday for at least 6 months

Francine was confused The following Monday she wasdetermined to speak to Arnie but when she tried to bring upthe subject of Phyllisrsquos call and the fact that she thought hewas in the office every Saturday while she Francine thoughthe was at home with his wife and family Arnie exploded ina rage

Badly shaken and not knowing what to do Francineturned to one of the other young female associate brokers inthe office who was a casual friend of hers Francine was in foranother shock Her friend was surprised that Francine did notknow that Arnie was having an affair with a young womantrainee in the office Everyonemdashexcept Francinemdashapparentlyknew that Arnie was quite the womanizer and had been sex-ually involved with several female brokers as well as clients

Francine made some other discrete inquiries among heroffice coworkers Arniersquos extramarital activities were commonknowledge Arnie it appeared had been cheating on his wifesince the day he was married In fact most of the people she


19


spoke with thought that Francine was romantically involvedwith Arnie because of their ldquocozy relationshiprdquo

Francine protested and tried to explain it was ldquoall busi-nessrdquo Some of her coworkers laughingly replied ldquoOh surerightrdquo

That bastard Francine thought Hersquos been using me todo his work and promising that my big payday is just aroundthe corner He tells me he wants to spend time with his wifeand kids on the weekends so I do all the heavy work ThenI find out hersquos been cheating on his wife and hasnrsquot beenhome on a weekend in 6 months And he lectures me abouttrust and loyalty

Arnie had manipulated her for nearly 9 months and shehad nothing to show for it except exhaustion stress no sociallife a damaged reputation and egg on her face

This is when she came to see me

Act Four Terrible Teens

What is worse than being the new girl in tenth gradeCararsquos father was a successful film director in New York

who took a job in Hollywood with one of the major studiosHe and his wife and 15-year-old daughter moved to Califor-nia late in the summer just in time for Cara to enter tenthgrade at a local school

Back East Cara had been considered ldquopopularrdquo Hermother always made sure that she had the latest ldquoinrdquo clothesand gave cool parties It was not easy for Cara to give up herfriends and move to a new city but she was determined tomake the best of it

Cararsquos mother tried to reassure her that she would soon befriends with the ldquocoolrdquo kids at the new school In fact though


20


Cararsquos mother had a lot of anxiety about Cararsquos adjustmentHer mother had grown up as an ldquoarmy bratrdquomdashan officerrsquosdaughtermdashwho had a tough time adapting to new schools andnew kids every few years with her fatherrsquos new postings

ldquoJust be yourselfrdquo her mother advised trying to cover herown worries ldquoThe popular crowd will welcome you withopen arms Yoursquoll seerdquo

But things did not go as planned There definitely was aldquocoolrdquo crowd at her new school but they could not be both-ered with Cara She was not one of them and her clotheswere all wrong Cara actually overheard two girls making funof her fashion style She was mortified

However she also was determined to succeed She stud-ied what the girls wore and immediately saw that there wasa difference between East Coast cool and West Coast coolShe preferred her own style but was willing to change if itwould get her in with the coveted crowd

She went home after that first day in tears She told hermother that she hated her clothes and needed new things tofit in with everyone else Not wanting her daughter to be leftout her mother took Cara to the mall that night They did amajor shopping run to last them through the rest of the weekThat weekend Cara threw out all her ldquooldrdquo clothes andmother and daughter hit the stores again

On the following Monday desperate to be included Caraasked if she could join the ldquopopularrdquo crowd at lunch Theyreluctantly moved over and let her hang off the end of thebench where they were eating lunch One of the girls compli-mented her outfit which made Cara feel better It was an ice-breaker Another asked what her parents did and Cara braggedabout her fatherrsquos fame She also let it be known that her fam-ily had money When she opened her wallet once to pay for a


21


soft drink they could see wads of money stuffed inside Withnewfound interest the girls began talking about where to getclothes and shoes and makeup By the end of lunch Carathought she was making some real social headway

However these ldquopopularrdquo girls did not let just anyoneinto their inner sanctum And it was obvious to them thatCara would do anything to be popular So they decided to lether ldquobuyrdquo her way in

When they would go for sodas or ice cream after schoolthey let Cara treat them If they went out for pizza Cara gotstuck with the check Although she was sometimes includedin after-school shopping or trips to restaurants she still hadnot been invited to parties with the ldquocoolrdquo boys When Caramustered her nerve to ask about the parties a few of the girlssuggested that she might be included soon

Meanwhile Cararsquos mommdashwho was my patientmdashwas notoblivious to all that was going on Because of her own anxi-eties and bad experiences as a teenager Cararsquos mother was aneasy touch Cara could manipulate her mom into giving hermore and more money so that she could accommodate her friends When her so-called friends did not invite her totheir Saturday night parties her mother did not have the heartto tell her daughter that she was just being used Howevershe did strongly encourage Cara to make friends with lots ofdifferent girls Sadly as far as Cara was concerned it was toolate for that There were some girls who had tried to befriendher but since they were not part of the in crowd Cara treatedthem badly and rebuffed their invitations to join them forlunch or sodas after school In her mind she had definitelyburned that bridge

Then a couple of the popular girls approached Cara witha proposition ldquoShow us you know how to throw a super cool


22


partyrdquo they said ldquoand you can join our crowdrdquo The girlseven had a party in mind a full day at a local spa where theywould all be pampered and massaged polished and primped

Cara knew that she could convince her father to pay forthe spa party

When her father got home Cara laid on the guilt trip bigtime She told her father that it was his idea to move here andthat it was his fault she was having a tough time making newfriends She even cried She told him about the party idea andhe readily agreed if only to stop his guilt and his daughterrsquos tears

The next day Cara announced that the party was on forSaturday in 2 weeks The girls responded by providing herwith the ldquoapprovedrdquo guest list of 15 girls When Cara toldher mother about the party and the list of 15 her mom cal-culated the cost at more than $250 per girl Her momdemanded that the guest list be limited to 7 girls or else theparty would have to be canceled

When Cararsquos mom dropped this bomb Cara went nuclearShe exploded in hysterics Through her tears and her anguishCara explained that she could not possibly cancel the partyafter she had announced it was on She would be humiliatedand never have any friends If she ldquouninvitedrdquo any of the peo-ple on the list now she would be a social reject forever

Reluctantly her mother capitulated after 3 hours of Cararsquosunrelenting emotional blast

The party seemed to be a huge hit All the girls said theyhad a great time Cara went to sleep that night with a smileon her face for the first time since she had moved out west

The smile lasted until Monday morning When sheshowed up at school Cara expected to be welcomed as oneof the in crowd But the in crowd was very fickle Now thatthey had gotten what they wanted from Cara they had no


23


further use for her She was suddenly cast aside subjected toa cold shoulder from all her party guests

They had manipulated her mercilessly knowing that aslong as they kept holding out the promise of acceptance theycould bend her anyway they wanted It was their patternThey had done this many times before with other wanna-bes

Of course along the way Cara did her share of manipu-lating her parentsmdashespecially her insecure mothermdashto indulgeher expensive whims so that she could buy her popularity

Cararsquos mother felt responsible for her daughterrsquos painThat Monday afternoon Cararsquos mother brought her dis-traught daughter for a session of joint family therapy

Act Five Double Squeeze

Valeriersquos clock is ticking and this is making her very nervousValerie is 37 years old and never married She and Jay datedfor 3 years before they moved in together 2 years ago He wasmarried once but has no children

From the beginning of their relationship Valerie was clearand outspoken about her desire both to marry and to havechildren On his part Jay said he loved kids and would loveto be a dad as long as he was with the right woman and cer-tain that his second marriage would be successful The son ofdivorced parents Jay said that he never wanted his own kidsto experience that kind of pain

Jayrsquos first marriage ended in a very acrimonious divorceand it cost him a lot of money and heartache It also left himbadly scarred and very cautious about making another com-mitment and risking another failure

Valerie asserted that she was the ldquoright womanrdquo for JayBy the time Valerie moved in with Jay she felt that there was


24


definitely the hint of matrimony in the air but no promiseHowever as soon as she unpacked her bags that hint seemedto vanish

Shortly after they moved in together Valerie raised thesubject of marriage Jay explained that that while he lovedValerie he was going to be very sure before making anotherldquofinalrdquo commitment because of his bad experience last timeHe asked her ldquoBelieve in me Give me time I just need to besure Now letrsquos change the subjectrdquo And he refused to dis-cuss the topic further

Over time Jay grew increasingly irritable when Valerieeven alluded to marriage

At the end of their first year of living together Valerieexpected a ring She got flowers instead Valerie could nothide her disappointment Tearfully she insisted that they talkabout their future

Jay angrily refused to talk They argued heatedly for sev-eral minutes over Jayrsquos unwillingness to even listen to Valeriersquosneeds and concerns Then Jay stood up and yelled ldquoLookwhatrsquos happeningmdashwersquore fighting I knew this sort of thingwould happen This is just what I want to avoid in a mar-riage My first marriage was just like this toomdashfighting allthe time Until I know we can get along better there sure isnrsquotgoing to be any weddingrdquo And he stormed out of the house

Valerie composed herself She loved Jay and was afraidthat he would leave her if she pushed the issue too hard Shetold herself to give him a little more time and she admon-ished herself to be more patient Jay returned home a fewhours later Valerie apologized for upsetting him and askedhis forgiveness Jay remained aloof and withholding for a fewdays before he finally thawed and their normally happy com-panionship resumed


25


After that if Valerie did bring up the subject of marriageor kids even tangentially she could sense Jayrsquos jaw tighteningShe knew that there would be another angry outburst andfight if she did not immediately back down and change thesubject The truth was that Jayrsquos anger scared her The ironywas that Valerie was not a fighter She loathed conflict andconfrontation and went to great lengths to avoid them

However the truth also was that she was not getting anyyounger her biological clock was ticking louder and louderand she still was not engaged As her frustration mounted sodid her own anger which she tried hard to suppress

This was a classic double squeeze Jay had manipulatedher into a position where if she said nothing she could avoidhis angermdashbut not be married If she was honest about herfeelings they would certainly argue and he would then sayldquoAha This is just what Irsquom afraid of if we get marriedrdquo Herworst fear was that Jay would tire of the conflict and simplyleave her altogether

Valerie was caught on the horns of manipulation with herfondest dreams of marriage and kids hanging in limbo Thisis when she came to see me

Now that you have had a look at how manipulation worksin five real-life examples letrsquos turn to your own life experi-ence In Chapter 3 you will have a chance to assess how vul-nerable you may be to the tactics of manipulation


26


Are You Vulnerableto Manipulation

Anyone and everyone is potentiallyvulnerable to the control of a skilled ma-nipulatormdashespecially one who keeps his or

her motives intentions and methods carefully disguised orconcealed However while virtually anyone can be manipulateddepending on the particular circumstances some people arewalking targets They seem to be marked for manipulation

Such people display certain personality traits behaviorsand ways of thinking that render them extremely vulnerableto manipulative control As you will learn in Chapter 4 thesetendencies form the ldquobuttonsrdquo that manipulators push in orderto bring such people into their web of coercive influence

Are you an easy mark for manipulators Take the quizbelow and find out

Are You a Soft Target for Manipulators

Read each statement below If the statement is true or mostlytrue for you circle T if it is false or mostly false circle F Besure to circle either T or F for every item No fence-sitting

27

3



1 I should always try to please other people T Fand make them happy

2 I have always needed the approval of other T Fpeople

3 Other people should be kind and caring to T Fme in return because of how well I treat them

4 I often feel that I do not have a clear sense T Fof my own identity

5 Other people should never reject or criticize T Fme because I always try my best to live up to their expectations needs and desires

6 It is very difficult for me to turn down a T Frequest from a friend family member or someone at work

7 Often being nice prevents me from T Fexpressing negative feelings toward others

8 I believe that nothing good can come from T Fconflict

9 I believe that most of the things that happen T Fto me are more in the control of other people than within my own control

10 I am always deeply concerned about what T Fothers think of me in nearly every area of my life

11 I should always try to do what others want T Fexpect or need from me

12 I would feel very guilty if I did not make the T Fneeds of others more important than my own

13 I tend to rely more on the opinions and T Fjudgments of others than I do on my own opinions and judgments

14 My sense of self-worth and value comes T Ffrom how much I do for others


28


15 I believe that people like me because of all T Fthe things I do for them

16 I very seldom say no to anyone who needs T Fmy help or wants me to do a favor

17 I have a great deal of trouble making T Fdecisions on my own

18 I would have difficulty describing who I T Freally am or what I think feel or believe independent of how other people see me

19 I am easily intimidated by another personrsquos T Fdisplay of anger or hostility

20 Other people should never be angry with T Fme because I would go to any length to avoid conflict anger or confrontation with them

21 It is extremely important to me to be liked T Fby nearly everyone in my life

22 I feel that I need to earn other peoplersquos T Flove or approval by doing things to make them happy

23 I often say yes when I would like to say T Fno to requests from others

24 I would go to almost any length to avoid T Fa confrontation

25 I believe that other people would question T Fmy value as a person if I did not do things for them

26 I believe that luck opportunity and the T Fgoodwill of others have much more to do with what happens to me than anything that I do by myself

27 I should always try to put other people first T Fbefore me

Are You Vulnerable to Manipulation

29


28 I think it is my responsibility to calm down T Fpeople around me if they become agitated angry or aggressive

29 I often feel confused by all the feedback I T Fget from others about how to run my life

30 I want everyone to think of me as a nice person T F31 I believe that I am usually to blame if T F

someone gets angry with me32 I almost never disagree with or challenge T F

anotherrsquos opinion for fear that I might provoke an angry conflict or confrontation

33 If I stopped putting othersrsquo needs ahead of T Fmy own I would become a selfish person and people would not like me

34 I believe that I should always be nice even T Fif it means allowing others to take advantage of my good nature

35 I feel that my value is almost entirely T Fderived from the things I do for others and from what others think of me

36 I rely a lot on what other people think of T Fme to form my self-concept and self-esteem

37 I generally have to ask lots of people for their T Finput about nearly every decision I make

38 I do not think that there is really very much T FI can do to prevent or minimize negative things from happening to me

39 I seem to need everyonersquos approval before I T Fmake an important decision

40 I believe that it is best just to smile and T Fcover up angry feelings than to express them and risk getting into a fight or conflict


30


How to Score and Interpret Your Answers

Give yourself a score of 1 for every T you circled Give your-self a score of 0 for every F you circled

If your score is between 31 and 40 you are extremelyvulnerable to manipulation It is quite likely that severalother people have been pulling your strings for most of yourlife At this point you are virtually a guaranteed ldquosoft targetrdquofor a manipulator

If your score is between 21 and 30 you are very vulner-able to manipulation You have likely experienced severalmanipulative relationships in your life and remain quite vul-nerable to further manipulation in the future

If your score is between 11 and 20 you are somewhat sus-ceptible to manipulation Under the right circumstances amanipulator could well gain control over you

If your score is between 1 and 10 you are only slightlyvulnerable to manipulation However you are not entirelyinvulnerable nobody is

If you scored a 0 you are not an easy target for a manip-ulator However you would be unwise to believe that you arecompletely invulnerable to manipulation Remember any-body can fall prey to a skilled manipulator under the right cir-cumstances It is possible that those circumstances have yetto visit you

Review the statements that you marked true Think abouthow each statement might be used by a manipulative personout to gain control over you In fact each of the statements rep-resents part of a belief system that forms the underpinning foryour behavior moods and personality traits These beliefs arethe buttons that manipulators push because they detect themas your vulnerability points As you will soon understand the


31


buttons represent flawed ways of thinking that set you up asan easy mark for a manipulator

In Chapter 4 you will learn more about how and why theseways of thinking make you so vulnerable to manipulationLater in Chapter 13 you will get a healthy dose of cognitivetherapy designed to correct your flawed thinking and to makeyou a far harder and more resilient target for manipulation


32


Your ButtonsAre Showing

In this chapter we will begin to examinemore closely the personality traits and tenden-cies that make you a mark for manipulators

My purpose here is to help you to become more aware of theldquobuttonsrdquo of vulnerability that you unwittingly expose toother people and that set you up as a mark for manipulationLater in this book we will turn to what you can do to makeyourself a hardened target for manipulators thereby makingyou less vulnerable to coercive control

It is not my purpose here to explain how and why youdeveloped these areas of vulnerability In a real sense ldquoWhyrdquois a luxury question It may be interesting to discover why youbecame a marked target but it is far more important to changeyour thinking and behaviors and to reduce your vulnerabilitySo why you developed areas of manipulative vulnerability isfar less important to the goals of this book than developingyour awareness of them and ultimately developing ways toprotect yourself from manipulation

It is important to reiterate that anyone and everyone ispotentially vulnerable to the control of a skilled manipulatormdash

33

4



especially one who keeps his or her motives intentions andmethods carefully disguised and concealed often even to him-self or herself If you are a victim you are not alone As youwill soon learn however certain people are very easy or softtargets for a manipulatorrsquos purposes You know your vulner-ability score from Chapter 3 Since you may well be one ofthose who are marked for manipulation letrsquos take a look athow potential manipulators spot you

What Are Your Buttons

What buttons do manipulators push to pressure you Peoplewho are marked for manipulation display some or all of sevenareas of vulnerability in their personalities These character-istic ways of thinking feeling and behaving with other peo-ple make them vulnerable and receptive to the tactics ofmanipulators

Think of these seven areas as your buttons that manipula-tors push Whether you realize it or not your buttons areshowing Manipulative people through lots of experience con-trolling others to serve their own needs and purposes have asixth sense for spotting their marks They do so by picking upthe clues to your personality which they can exploit Oftenthey are able to do this simply because you tip your hand andfreely expose your buttons When you do this it is called a tell

It is highly likely that you may find yourself vulnerable inmultiple areasmdashwith all or nearly all your buttons resonatingwith my descriptions This is to be expected because the buttonsare psychologically interconnected areas

The first step toward the safe zonemdashaway from manip-ulative relationshipsmdashdepends on your ability to identify


34


recognize and understand these buttons or areas of vulner-ability in yourself Chances are that you probably havealready identified some or all of these areas as sources ofstress or problems in your life however you may not fullyunderstand how much of a role they play in setting you upfor repetitive experiences as the victim of manipulation

Button No 1 You Have the Disease to PleasemdashPeople-Pleasing Habits and Mind-Sets

Those who have the ldquodisease to pleaserdquo have people-pleasinghabits and mind-sets and this is not good People-pleasing isan odd problem At first glance it may not even seem like aproblem at all In fact the label people-pleaser may feel morelike a compliment or a flattering self-description that youproudly wear as a badge of honor Isnrsquot it all right to be a people-pleaser Shouldnrsquot this by definition be a good thing

The truth is that people-pleasing is a sweet-soundingname for a pattern of thinking feeling and acting that canbecome a serious and far-reaching psychological problemThe ldquodisease to pleaserdquo or the people-pleasing syndrome isa compulsivemdasheven addictivemdashpattern As a people-pleaseryou feel controlled by your need to please others and virtu-ally addicted to their approval At the same time you feelout of control over the pressures and demands on your lifethat these needs have created

If you have the ldquodisease to pleaserdquo your need to pleaseothers is not limited to just saying yes a little too often or tooccasionally going overboard in doing nice things for otherpeople Instead if you are a people-pleaser your emotionaltuning dials are jammed on the frequency of what you believe

Your Buttons Are Showing

35


other people want or expect of you Just the perception thatanother might need your help is enough to send your people-pleasing response system into overdrive

The problem is that when you have the ldquodisease to pleaserdquoyour self-esteem is all tied up with how much you do for oth-ers and how successful you are at pleasing them You maythink that by fulfilling the needs of others you have the magicformula for gaining love and self-worth and for protectingyourself from abandonment and rejection However the real-ity is that the formula is badly flawed It does not work More-over people-pleasing causes you harm because you take careof everyone elsersquos needs at the expense of your own

People-pleasers pay far too high a price for being nice Ifyou are a bona fide people-pleaser you will know how cen-tral the concept of nice is to your identity People-pleasersbecome deeply attached to seeing themselvesmdashand to beingcertain that others see themmdashas nice people Their very iden-tity hinges on niceness

The price of nice however is that other people can andwill manipulate and exploit your willingness to please themYour niceness may even blind you to the fact that you arebeing manipulated and exploited After all it wouldnrsquot be niceto question the motives of the very people you are breakingyour neck to please would it

To make matters worse even if you do suspect that youare being manipulated you are too nice to confront criticizeor have the kind of direct frank and candid conversation thatis necessary to stop a manipulator and to protect your ownself-interest

The thinking of people-pleasers is contaminated and dis-torted by toxic and self-sabotaging shoulds Complying withthese shoulds is what causes the high levels of stress that result


36


from people-pleasing The shoulds also perpetuate your vul-nerability to manipulation by others

The mind-sets of people-pleasing can be boiled down totwo credos the first of which I call ldquoThe 10 Commandmentsof People-Pleasingrdquo

1 I should always do what others want expect or needfrom me

2 I should take care of everyone around me whetherthey ask for my help or not

3 I should always listen to everyonersquos problems and trymy best to solve them whether I am asked to or not

4 I should always be nice and never hurt anyonersquos feelings5 I should always put other people first before me6 I should never say no to anyone who need or requests

something of me7 I should never disappoint anyone or let others down

in any way8 I should always be happy and upbeat and never show

any negative feelings to others9 I should always try to please other people and make

them happy10 I should try never to burden others with my own

needs or problems

The second credo of people-pleasing I call ldquoThe SevenDeadly Shouldsrdquo for othersrsquo behavior

1 Other people should appreciate and love me becauseof all the things I do for them

2 Other people should always like and approve of mebecause of how hard I work to please them


37


3 Other people should never reject or criticize me becauseI always try to live up to their desires and expectations

4 Other people should be kind and caring to me inreturn because of how well I treat them

5 Other people should never hurt me or treat meunfairly because I am so nice to them

6 Other people should never leave or abandon mebecause of how much I make them need me

7 Other people should never be angry with me becauseI would go to any length to avoid conflict anger orconfrontation with them

The shoulds of people-pleasing set you up for manipula-tion by guilt and obligation Having an excessive sense ofresponsibility for the welfare and happiness of others is thelever that manipulators will use when they invoke guilt orobligation to control your behavior Even worse just theanticipation of feeling guiltymdashand the need to avoid feelingguiltymdashis what you use to manipulate yourself into doingthings that you may not want to do

People-pleasers frequently justify and explain their com-pliance or collusion with manipulators by stating that theycannot stand to feel guilty so they give in to whatever thedemandmdashoften even to just the anticipation of the demand

People-pleasing habits and mind-sets are an obvious tell ora dead give-away If you have the ldquodisease to pleaserdquo manip-ulators can spot you coming a mile away

Button No 2 You Are Addicted to Earning theApproval and Acceptance of Others

When you are ldquohookedrdquo you feel that you must earn theapproval and acceptance of othersmdashall others Moreover you


38


need to avoid criticism rejection and abandonment at almostany price

At the core of your niceness is a dread fear of rejection andabandonment If you are a people-pleaser you believe that bybeing nice and always doing things for othersmdasheven at yourown expensemdashyou will avoid the feelings that you so dread

There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about valuing theapproval of others especially those you love and respectWanting to be liked by others is a perfectly natural humandesire However if your desire to be liked and approved ofby others becomes mandatorymdashwhen it feels essential to youremotional survival and the consequences of disapprovalrejection or criticism seem catastrophicmdashyou have crossedover into dangerous psychological territory You will findyourself in manipulation territory and under the thumb ofmanipulatorsrsquo coercive control

When the approval of others becomes more than desir-ablemdashwhen it becomes imperativemdashyou have become a markfor manipulation If you are an approval addict your behav-ior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie All amanipulator need do is a simple two-step process Give youwhat you crave and then threaten to take it away

Every drug dealer in the world plays this game And sinceyou are an approval addict the social world poses an ongo-ing threat of loss

First the manipulator will let you earn his or her approvaland acceptance Keep in mind however that like any addictyou will consume whatever approval acceptance and dis-plays of positive regard that you receive There is no storageor banking of approval in your psychological economy How-ever much approval and liking you may gain today it simplywill not last you will feel the craving for approval againtomorrow And however much approval you have been given


39


today you will face your dreaded fear of losing that approvaland acceptance tomorrow It is a vicious cyclemdashand one thatmanipulators play adroitly

Therefore step 2 is abundantly clear Once you arehooked on the approval and acceptance of the manipulatorall he or she needs to do is merely threaten to withdraw themActually since you are an approval addict the threat of with-drawal can even remain implicit In other words no one needsto verbalize or overtly threaten to reject you or to take awayhis or her approval or acceptance of you The threat exists inthe very air you breathe

Paradoxically the more you identify with being nice and pleasing others to guarantee and ensure their approval andacceptance of you the more insecure you will become The moreyou identify with being nice instead of being real the more youwill find yourself plagued by nagging doubts and insecuritiesand lingering fears

If your approval addiction is deeply entrenched the buttonthat will show most clearly to manipulators is your willingnessto do nearly anything to avoid disapproval rejection and worstof all abandonment

In love relationships or romantic entanglements thatbecome manipulative fear of abandonment is the ultimate leverof control

Button No 3 You Have ldquoEmotophobiardquomdashFearof Negative Emotions

Cognitive therapist David Burns coined the term ldquoemoto-phobiardquo to refer to an excessive or irrational fear of negativefeelings Specifically these fears encompass anger aggressionor hostility and the conflict and confrontation that arouse


40


them If this is your hot button you will go to almost anylengths to avoid anger conflict and confrontation

The manipulatorrsquos task is relatively easy if your fear ofconflict confrontation and anger button is showing Amanipulator can readily control your behavior through tac-tics of intimidationmdasheasily achieved by merely raising his orher voice andor hinting that anger may be on the verge ofbreaking through When this button is showing a manipu-lator needs only to make you sense that anger or conflict mayerupt You are likely to comply with the manipulation justto avoid even the mere possibility that anger or conflict mayemerge

Soon you may even do the manipulatorrsquos job for him Youmay conjure up in your mind a scenario that involves themanipulatorrsquos anger and you take action to avoid it eventhough no anger has yet occurred The manipulator may noteven be around However your ldquoemotophobiardquo is so strongthat you can play out the manipulatorrsquos reaction in your mindand allow yourself to be manipulated as a result

The really dangerous aspect about fearing negative emo-tions is that the longer you avoid dealing with them the morethreatening and uncontrollable they feel And the more youavoid dealing with negative emotions the less able you becometo deal with them effectively and appropriately

Ironically while you may not be fully aware of this con-nection the more you allow manipulators to control yourbehavior the angrier you are likely to become

Is it possiblemdasheven desirablemdashto avoid all anger conflictor confrontation The fact of the matter is that negative emo-tions are built into the hardwiring of human beings What thismeans is that all of us are programmed biologically to feelanger and to respond defensively when others seek to harm


41


us or hurt those for whom we love or care It is neither pos-sible nor desirable to be entirely rid of negative feelings

Anger is not necessarily bad or unhealthy Repressing orchronically suppressing anger by going to great lengths to cam-ouflage disguise ignore or otherwise avoid it is unhealthyHow many times have you found yourself outwardly denyingyour anger and resentment toward another personmdashespeciallywhen that person is manipulating and controlling youmdashwhileon the inside you feel anxious panicked and depressed

Depression by one psychological definition is the resultof anger that you turn against yourself Symptoms of anxietysleeplessness and irritability abound in relationships wherethere is inadequate communication and an inability to con-front problems directly in order to reach greater understand-ing and resolution

Conflict can and should be handled constructively whenit is relationships benefit Conflict avoidance is not the hall-mark of a good relationship On the contrary it is a symptomof serious problems and of poor communication

Button No 4 Lack of Assertiveness and anInability to Say No

If you are a people-pleaser who seeks everyonersquos approval (but-tons 1 and 2) you are likely to fall into the category of a per-son who has a great deal of trouble saying no While the wordnice may be the best singular description of people-pleasersrsquopersonalities the word no generally does not appear in theirvocabularies If you are a people-pleaser it is a safe bet thatyou have difficulty saying no to just about any requestexpressed need desire invitation or demandmdashimplicit orexplicitmdashfrom nearly anyone


42


Saying no probably makes you feel guilty or selfish becauseyou equate it with disappointing and letting others down Afteryears of saying yes you have taught others to expect you to com-ply Now you may feel that saying yes is simply your only option

Obviously your inability to set limits and boundaries andto say no to some of the people some of the time makes youan obvious mark for manipulation If you cannot say no howdifficult is it for just about anyone to get you to do what heor she wants Lack of assertiveness makes you putty in thehands of a skilled manipulator

Just the idea or possibility of saying no may be enough tomake you feel uncomfortably tense and anxious And eachtime you give into your fears and say yes the short-term anx-iety reduction merely strengthens your yes-saying habitsHowever the longer-term consequences of your knee-jerkcompliance are costly for you and highly advantageous to themanipulators in your life

If you are like most people-pleasers your aversion to say-ing no is probably grounded in the negative angry responsesthat you anticipate your denial might elicit In this sense thelack of assertiveness button is closely connected to the fear ofnegative emotions and the strong need to avoid conflict andconfrontation

If you fear that saying no might set off another personrsquosanger or engender a conflict between you and if you areinclined to go out of your way to avoid conflict and con-frontation then your yes-saying habits will become moredeeply ingrained and harder to change each time you complyAnd those who manipulate you are continually rewarded fortheir actions by your willing compliance

Saying no may make you feel guilty anxious and uncom-fortable because the years of suppressing your urge to say no have


43


been generating continuous frustration Given the chance to ventthat frustration could erupt into raging anger It is not surpris-ing then that the mere prospect of lifting the ban on saying nofloods you with anxiety Your fear has far more to do with yourlong-suppressed resentment and with the intensely angry andoffensive way that you might finally say nomdashor rather screamldquoNOrdquomdashthan with the mere use of the word itself

However as you may already have learned when youalways say yes (especially when you really want to say no)eventually you will find yourself joylessly going through themotions of livingmdashyielding control over your precious timeand resources to the will of whoever asks for it In effect yourcontinuous yes saying will enslave you to others who seek tocontrol and manipulate you

Your avoidance of saying no also may be linked to theself-esteem you think you earn by doing things for others Inthis sense by saying no to a request you also will be denyingyourself an opportunity to add one more count to the sum oftasks and favors you accomplish on behalf of others If youare a hard-core people-pleaser your self-worth depends onthe things you do for other people and your reluctance toturn down a chance to add another point to your tally ofaccomplishments is easily understandable

However the dilemma you face if you are a constant peo-ple-pleaser who cannot be assertive and say no some of thetime to some of the people in your life is that the time willcome when your energy will run out despite your best inten-tions and your impressive ability to meet almost everyonersquosneeds at least so far In the meanwhile you will cede moreand more control over yourself to those who manipulate youby asking or just expecting you to do what they ask or requireeach and every time they need you


44


Learning to say no is imperative to becoming less vulner-able to manipulation

Button No 5 The Vanishing Self

People with ldquovanishing selvesrdquo have only a blurry sense oftheir own identity where they begin and end whose needsthey feel and fill and what values are central to their coreDoes this describe you

This button is both a cause and a consequence of beingthe victim of ongoing manipulation The longer you allowyourself to be the pawn in other peoplersquos games the less clearyour own identity will seem to you and to others who per-ceive you

You will know if this button applies to you if you canagree with the statement that you do not know who youreally are and what you really stand for outside of the thingsyou do for other people Some people with a diminished senseof self describe the experience as feeling invisiblemdashunseen andunrecognized by others as having a set of needs and charac-teristics that stand independently of others You even mayexperience dreams or waking sensations of shrinking or lit-erally diminishing in size

The causes of a fuzzy identity and a blurry sense of selfare generally rooted in childhood experiences that interferedwith a healthy development of self This may be due to neg-ative parental feedbackmdashor negative input from other impor-tant people in the childrsquos lifemdashin which that child hearsrepeatedly and eventually ldquolearnsrdquo that his or her opiniondoes not matter or count that he or she is not smart or capa-ble or that he or she is expected to always bend to the willof more powerful or authoritative others


45


When your identity is fuzzy and out of focus you will feelalienated from yourself and from others When you do notclearly present yourself to others and define your boundariesby setting appropriate limits saying no and standing up foryour own rights others will tend to project their notions ofwho you aremdashor more accurately of who they need you tobemdashonto your identity

Psychologists use a classic test to analyze personality It iscalled the Rorschach and it is a series of cards each of whichcontains an inkblotmdashan ambiguous image that the individualbeing tested is requested to ldquoseerdquo as a picture The theory isthat the individual will project onto the ambiguous inkblotwhat he or she needs to see

When you present yourself in the world with an ambigu-ous sense of identity you invite others to shape you accordingto their needs and desires This is what I call the Rorschachphenomenon

People who have blurry identities and vanishing senses ofself are fodder for the mill of manipulators Over time theparticipation in manipulative relationships merely weakensand erodes the victimrsquos identity further and further

Without a strong clear sense of your own identity you arehighly vulnerable and a near-certain mark for manipulation

Button No 6 Low Self-Reliance

Low self-reliance means that you distrust your own judgmentand reactions resulting in an impairment of your self-directionThis button is closely related to button 5

If your sense of self is blurry and unclear your ability torely on your own judgment will be impaired If you cannotdepend on yourself and your own judgment and values to


46


guide you in your decision makingmdashespecially when it per-tains to relationships in which others seek to manipulateyoumdashyou will necessarily be more prone to rely on the judg-ments and direction of others

Being a self-directed person is the opposite of being amark for manipulators If you lack the ability to consult your-self or to rely on the judgments or values that you hold yourdependence on others will increase and your vulnerability tobeing controlled by what others want you to do for themmdashto serve their purposes and advance their gainsmdashwill bealmost ensured

People who have low self-esteem are less likely to be self-reliant than those with high self-esteem and not surprisinglythose who rely on themselves more often in making deter-minations in their relationships with other people will raisetheir self-esteem by doing so In short if you do not thinkmuch of yourselfmdashand particularly if you cannot even seeyourself very clearly (button 5)mdashyou will not be inclined toexercise independence autonomy and self-reliance in youractions with others

Instead your dependence on othersrsquo judgments opinionsand decision making will be far greater than your reliance onyour own thereby ushering the way in for manipulators ofall types

People with low self-reliance will recognize the tendencyin themselves to ask other peoplemdashalmost everyone theyknowmdashfor their input and advice regarding an impendingdecision or problem or for input about a purchase a hairstylea menu for entertaining a business practicemdashor just aboutanything else that requires them to take a position Often ask-ing too many other people for advice merely confuses theissue further and lacking confidence in their own ability to


47


sort through and assimilate the various sources of advice theyhave so ardently sought such people now feel the need to askothers to help them process what everyone else has said Mak-ing any kind of decision makes them feel anxious and unsure

Improving your decision-making ability and particularlyyour skills at resolving postdecisional regretmdashalso known asbuyerrsquos remorsemdashwill go a long way toward increasing self-reliance Without the ability to rely on your own judgmentsand to make your own decisions by acting as a reliable coun-selor to yourself you will continue to be a prime mark formanipulation

Button No 7 External Locus of Control

Locus of control (LOC) is a psychological phrase that refersto how and where you attribute the cause of the things thathappen or fail to happen to you People that have an exter-nal LOC have the general view that the things that happen tothem in life are more under the control of others and of fac-tors outside of themselves than under their own control Incontrast people who have an internal LOC believe that theprimary source of control over what happens to them in lifelies within themselves

LOC reflects your experiences in life and the ways youhave been taught to understand and look at the world Hav-ing an internal LOC does not mean that you think you are incontrol of everything nor does it mean that you lack faith in a higher power or that you do not recognize the realisticlimits of what you can control and what you cannot Believ-ing that you are in control of the weather for example is nota reflection of a healthy internal LOC but rather a delusionalperception that simply is not in line with reality


48


On the other hand believing that the relative success ofyour career is largely up to you and believing that the gradesyou get in school are under the control of your ability and effortare examples of an appropriate and healthy internal LOC

Research shows that people who have an internal LOChave higher self-esteem than those with an external LOC Con-sequently people with an internal LOC are less at risk forfalling prey to a manipulator

Another term that psychologists use to invoke this dimen-sion of personality is a variable called personal efficacy Peo-ple who have a high degree of personal efficacy have the sensethat they have mastery over their environmentsmdashor the abil-ity to make the things that they want to happen come to passThose with a low degree of personal efficacy do not have asense of mastery They do not feel like effective players inmaking things happen in their lives and consequently do notexert the same degree of directed self-generated effort asthose with both an internal LOC and high personal efficacy

It stands to reason that if you believe that other peoplehave more influence and control over the outcomes in yourlife than you do yourself you will be more vulnerable to theirinfluence and to their attempts at manipulation Moreover tothe extent that you collude with or become victim to theirmanipulation your sense of being controlled by forces out-side yourself will be reinforced and perpetuated

By developing an internal LOC and a higher sense of per-sonal efficacy you will be less subject to manipulators Andin turn by making yourself a harder target for manipulatorsyou will increase your sense of controlling your own out-comes in life

When you have the perception and expectation that youroutcomes in life are largely out of your own control and


49


therefore under the control of other people andor other out-side forces more powerful than yourself you also will bemore likely to experience depression

The connection between an external LOC and depressionlies in the construct of learned helplessnessmdashthe mind-set thatnegative things do and will happen to you of significant con-sequence and that there is very little to nothing that you cando to affect or change those events When you believe thatbad things will happen and that your own actions are essen-tially futile to control predict prevent minimize or escapefrom those negative outcomes you have the mind-set that is depression

An external LOC therefore makes you vulnerable todepression which in turn saps whatever drive energy andoptimism you may have left to try to make things different inyour life Clearly this is a vicious cycle An external LOC alsocan affect your physical health because the ldquogiving ingivenuprdquo mind-set is a known risk factor in lowering immuneresponses and compromising overall health

People with an internal LOC are less likely to developdepression because by definition they do not subscribe to thelearned helplessness mind-set They believe that what they dodoes make a differencemdasha big onemdashin the things that happento them in life

Now you know the buttons manipulators pushmdashtheseven areas of personality that make you vulnerable tomanipulation Later you will learn how to strengthen andcorrect your thinking in these areas of vulnerability in orderto lower your susceptibility to manipulators

In Chapter 5 we will take a look at what drives manipu-lators to push other people around


50


Manipulatorsrsquo Motives

Now that you know how manipula-tors push your ldquobuttonsrdquo letrsquos turn thetables by examining the typical motives

of manipulators This is one way to help level the playingfield between you and those who manipulate you After allif the buttons that you show to the outside world mark youas an easy target for manipulation shouldnrsquot you learn tospot a manipulator by identifying his or her motives In sodoing you may be able to head off a manipulative relation-ship before it gets going

However spotting a manipulator is not always easy Evenif you are ldquoonrdquo to his or her motives there are obstacles Rec-ognize for example that part of the skilled manipulatorrsquos pre-sentation is that he often covers or disguises his motives fromothers He may be quite intentional about doing so by delib-erately misrepresenting his reasons for saying or doing cer-tain things in relationships with others that are at their coremanipulative in nature

Sometimes manipulators may even lie to themselves abouttheir true underlying motives This increases the difficulty ofexposing a manipulator It is one thing to uncover manipulators

51

5



who lie to you but when they lie to themselves it makes the liesthey tell you more believable or credible

Regardless of whether a manipulator is conscious or inten-tional about his motives or not the negative impact on thetarget or victim is essentially the same

What Makes Manipulators Do What They Do

Manipulation exists because it works The best way to stopa manipulator is simply to disable her tacticsmdashmake hermanipulation ineffective because you stop complying with her demands desires requests or subtle or overt pressure

When manipulative tactics stop being effective inadvancing the ends of the manipulatormdashwhen you stopbeing a mark and transform yourself into a harder target formanipulatorsmdashthe manipulatorrsquos tactics likely will changeQuite possibly the manipulator will disengage from the rela-tionship altogether and seek a new mark or victim Manip-ulators can be compared with water running downhillalways seeking the path of least resistance

The reason is not any more complicated than thisManipulators do not want to have to work at manipulatingIt comes easily and naturally to them They do it because itis easymdashbecause you make it easy

The purpose of this chapter is not to enlighten manipulatorsI do not expect manipulators to be interested in reading thisbook Moreover I do not delude myself into thinking that ifmanipulators only knew the harm they did they would have anldquoAh-hahrdquo moment of insight and decide to change their waysI know better And you shouldnrsquot delude yourself either

Instead my purpose is to describe the motives and mind-setsof manipulators so that you have a better understanding of what


52


you are up against By increasing your understanding of whatmakes manipulators behave as they do you will have a betterunderstanding of why you feel so confused violated unhappydemeaned and otherwise diminished in your relationships withmanipulative people

Basic Rules of Manipulation

Keep these key points foremost in your mind

bull You cannot and will not outmanipulate a skilled manipu-lator do not even try

bull Always pay attention to what the manipulator does notwhat he or she says

bull Do not inquire why he or she is behaving in a particularway and expect to get a valid useful or truthful answerRemember ldquoWhyrdquo is a luxury question Do not botherasking the question when you finish this book you willknow the answer Just because a manipulator denies beingmanipulative or disguises his or her motives verbally doesnot mean that you are wrong in your identification Do notexpect the manipulator to give you an honest answer

bull You cannot and will not change a manipulator by point-ing out his or her shortcomings

bull Do not bother telling a manipulator that she is not beingfair or kind or loving If your purpose in doing so is toeffect change forget it it simply will not happen

bull You cannot appeal to a manipulatorrsquos empathy with yourfeelings Do not imagine that by telling him how you feel asthe victim of manipulation you will accomplish anythingThe manipulator does not care he most likely is incapableof empathy altogether


53


bull The only effective way to change a manipulator is to makeher tactics ineffective by changing yourself You will notchange the manipulator but you can change the manipula-tive relationship When you stop rewarding manipulativetactics by ceasing to cooperate comply please or acquiesceyou will necessarily alter the nature and the dynamics of themanipulative relationship Remember if manipulation turnsout to be hard work the manipulator will likely give up

bull Do not put your energy into making the manipulator moreaware of your feelings or more aware of her motives Thisonly empowers her Instead put your energy into raisingyour own level of awareness and into changing your behav-ior so that you do not fall into your familiar victim patternsand roles

Manipulative Motives

Manipulators operate out of three principal interpersonalmotives

1 They need to advance their own purposes and theirown personal gain at virtually any cost to others Theyare entirely self-serving and selfish by disposition evenif they say otherwise Remember smart skilledmanipulators know how to disguise their motivessometimes even to themselves

Just because a manipulator tells you that he isdoing something for your own goodmdashor telling yousomething because he cares enough to be ldquototally hon-estrdquo and he says that he has your very best interests atheartmdashdo not believe it Good lip service is part of themanipulatorrsquos tactics


54


Why do manipulative people often represent them-selves as concerned about others as unselfish and altru-istic Because it works Remember the manipulator willsay and do whatever is necessary to advance his ownends purposes or personal gain This includes sayingthat he believes himself to be a good kind fair-mindedhonest and generous person His tactics even mayinclude making you feel guilty or like an unfair mean-spirited distrusting and generally bad person for sus-pecting that he is operating out of manipulative motives

2 The manipulator has strong needs to attain feelingsof power and superiority in relationships with otherpeople She wants the control she seeks over othersto be acknowledged and validated The victimrsquos com-pliance with manipulative tactics is the acknowledg-ment and validation the manipulator seeks

Paradoxically this need springs from strongunderlyingmdashsometimes unconsciousmdashfeelings ofinferiority and low self-esteem The manipulatorrsquoslow self-esteem is frequently hidden by outward lay-ers of personality style and presentation character-ized by what looks like bold self-confidence and evenan inflated or grandiose ego or sense of self This isthe paradox of the manipulative personality Sheoperates out of low self-esteem but with an inflatedor strong-appearing sense of self-confidence

In fact the manipulatorrsquos strong need to exert anddemonstrate power and control over others arisesfrom the underlying strong need to compensate forfeelings of inferiority and inadequacy The manipu-lator who has contempt for people like herself con-sciously rejects these weak feelings


55


The manipulator views power as finite In otherwords there is not enough power to go around forher to share or to acknowledge and respect your rightto be empowered to make decisions and to attaincontrol in your own life If you are empowered to anydegree this represents less power for her

The manipulator views power as a zero-sumgame This means that there is always someone whowins by attaining maintaining and exercising powerand control over others and there is always someonewho loses by ceding control to the winner There isno room in the manipulatorrsquos model of human rela-tionships for a win-win scenario where power isshared or where everyone comes out gaining or ben-efiting from a given interaction

If you attempt to exercise power and controlmdashevenif it is just over your own decisions and behaviormdashthemanipulator will feel threatened because she needs allthe power that is around to get If you exercise powerin your own life then from the manipulatorrsquos stand-point you are taking power away from her She there-fore will feel compelled to take immediate retaliatorysteps to regain control

3 Manipulators want and need to feel in control Feel-ing like they are out of control or that they mighteven be losing control in any realm evokes very highlevels of anxiety The manipulatorrsquos need to feel incontrol extends beyond his or her desires or needs tocontrol others Manipulators want to be seen andwant to see themselves as being in control of theiremotions especially emotions that they associatewith weakness such as anxiety sadness or loneli-


56


ness In competitive situations they want to winmdashat nearly any cost to others

While manipulators have a strong even pathologicor sick need to control others they generally strugglewith control issues in their own lives Their need tomaintain control over others is frequently manifestedby a need to ldquobe rightrdquo and to make others ldquowrongrdquoThere is no room in the manipulatorrsquos mind for bothpeople in a given argument or conflict in which he isinvolved to each have valid positions nor is their roomfor two different and equally ldquorightrdquo albeit separatepoints of view For the manipulator only one personcan be rightmdashand that must be him The other personnecessarily becomes wrong to the extent that there isless than full agreement with the manipulator

The need of manipulators to control others is closely alliedto their need to feel in controlmdashnot only of others but ofthemselves as well Manipulative people frequently sufferfrom feelings of high anxiety when their control is threatenedSince they cannot easily or gracefully cede control to othersthey will tend to over- or micromanage in business situationsManipulators typically oversupervise delegated tasks in busi-ness or domestic or personal situations Because control issuch a big issue manipulators tend to dislike any situationthat involves ambiguity They like to think in black and whiteeitheror terms Gray areas make them nervous

In contradiction however their control issues sometimesreveal themselves as problems maintaining control over cer-tain areas of their own behavior Because control is a centralpsychological issue for manipulators they may exhibit con-trol problems by loss of control in these areas


57


bull Angerbull Food consumptionweight controlbull Alcohol consumptionbull Drug usebull Cigarette usebull Overcontrolled or undercontrolled signs of emotionality

and mood variations

Do Manipulators Understand Their Own Motives

Not necessarily Manipulators generally can be categorizedinto two groups those who are aware and conscious of theirmanipulative motives and goals and those who remain largelyunconscious or unaware of the manipulative methods theyemploy in their relationships with others As we will see inChapter 6 people with overt aggressive controlling person-alities are far easier to identify as manipulative than thosewhose styles are more covert

The reason most people ask questions about manipula-torsrsquo awareness of their motives concerns their capacity orwillingness to change To nonmanipulative people makinganother person conscious or aware that he is violating therights of others by trying to manipulate them should be suf-ficient to make them change Not so

The degree of a manipulatorrsquos awareness does have somebearing on his or her ability or willingness to change Manip-ulators who are self-aware and intentional about beingmanipulative are least likely to change In psychologicalterms their manipulation is ego-congruent a term that meansthat being manipulative and controlling of others fits with theway they think consciously of themselves In other words


58


they do not experience inner conflict or turmoil over thethought that their behavior may violate the rights of othersThey do not care or they have rationalized their behavior tothe point that they may believe that they are doing what isgood or right for others anyway

When manipulation is ego-congruent and when it is effec-tive (ie it works to get the manipulator what she wants) thereis little motivation for change Although nonmanipulative peo-ple may find it surprising merely pointing out to a consciousmanipulator that his tactics are manipulative or exploitative ofthe rights of others creates little to no incentive to change Infact for such people change is entirely instrumentalmdashmeaningthat they will change their tactics only when the manipulationno longer accomplishes their ends or purposes Only whenmanipulation is no longer effective in eliciting and controlling the behavior of others so as to serve to advance the manipula-torrsquos interests and personal gain is change even a possibility

Under such circumstances when manipulation stopsworking the manipulator may switch or shift tactics How-ever do not expect a realignment or breakthrough in the fun-damental structure of her personality or values This kind ofchange is not borne of insight andor a desire to be a betteror healthier person Remember most manipulators will go togreat lengths to avoid looking inside too deeply because thistends to be very anxiety provoking

For ego-congruent manipulators change is borne of a shiftin outcomes rather than an increase in insight And if and whenmanipulation begins working againmdashor when the shift hasmerely been to other more effective forms of manipulationmdashthe manipulation will be reestablished

The second group of manipulators tends to be far less con-scious and self-aware of the nature of their control of other


59


people These manipulators often evolve their tactics defen-sively as a way to deal with their own anxieties and fears For many of these people being seen as a manipulator is ego-incongruent or inconsistent and at odds with the viewthey hold of themselves Thus when an ego-incongruentmanipulator is confronted with exposure of his manipulationthere may be enough inner conflict generated to help motivatechange However because manipulators typically are low onempathymdashor lack the capacity altogether to feel as othersfeelmdashthe insight that their behavior is hurting another persongenerally is not sufficient to tip the scales toward change

Instead the insight needs to be coupled with the develop-ment of alternative methods or different tactics Again thebig leverage with both conscious and unconscious manipula-tors is to change the effectiveness of their tactics Manipula-tors may change their tactics when their methods stopworking to advance their ends or they may opt out of therelationship altogether seeking another venue in which theirmanipulative methods do work

Thus the bottom line remains the same The best way tochange a manipulator is to change your own behavior When youstop rewarding the manipulation by giving in and by giving themanipulator what he or she wantsmdashpower and controlmdashyouwill set the wheels of change in motion

When you are involved with a manipulative person donot expect that person necessarily to admit to using manipu-lative tactics or purposes Patients in therapy are often trappedby their own mistaken and naive thinking that other peoplealways mean what they say Just because a manipulator deniesbeing manipulative does not mean that he or she is not beingexactly that In fact the denial itself is a chief component ofthe ongoing manipulation


60


Remember my advice earlier Always pay attention towhat the manipulator does not what he or she says

What You Can Expect

Keep in mind that manipulators of both types seldom admitto their manipulation easily or in an up-front or direct wayThey tend to keep their manipulative motivation under wrapsfor several reasons

First manipulation generally is not viewed as a desir-able or acceptable tactic to use interpersonally Because itis discouraged andor regarded negatively skilled manipu-lators tend to keep their motives covert They prefer tocloak their motives in guises that are more socially accept-able such as

bull Love and caring ldquoIrsquom doing this out of carelove for yourdquobull Expertise ldquoIrsquom telling you this because Irsquove had way more

experience in these matters and I know betterrdquobull Altruism and generosity ldquoIrsquom doing this for your own

good even though it doesnrsquot benefit merdquobull Role endowment ldquoIrsquom telling you what to do because that

is my roleobligationrdquo

Second as stated earlier sometimes manipulators keeptheir true motives hidden even from themselves In the faceof confrontation concerning their manipulation they oftenwill use denial as a defense mechanism Introspection andself-examination are at best only superficial with mostmanipulators as too much light shining on their underlyingmotives will tend to make them anxious defensive and oftenangry While manipulators tend to act deliberatelymdashwith end


61


goals in mindmdashthey do not generally require themselves toact out of a sense of moral intention or out of a personal codeor value system of right and wrong or good and bad behav-ior and treatment of others Instead they act out of a senseof what works to advance their own ends

Third and most obvious manipulators lie It is one oftheir most effective tactics If it suits the ends of a manipu-lator to make you think that he is not manipulating he willdo whatever is necessary to disabuse you of even your slight-est suspicions let alone your outright accusations or con-frontations Skilled manipulators are adept at making theiraccusers (or anyone who even suggests that they may bemanipulating) feel guilty and ill-mannered for even ques-tioning their motives

How Manipulators Look at the World

First it is important to accept that manipulators look at theworld in a different way than nonmanipulators And in somecritical ways their worldview determines their behaviorwhich in a cyclic turn helps to validate their view of theworld in the first place As mentioned earlier manipulatorssee the world in general in black and white eitheror termsespecially with respect to manipulation Their view is thateither you play or you get played

In other words manipulators believe that there are onlytwo roles in relationshipsmdashyou are either manipulated (thevictim) or you are the manipulator (in their view the one inpower and control) Manipulators see no other way that rela-tionships operate They cannot envision participating in arelationship between equals for example Such a relationshipis beyond their understanding and comprehension


62


They simply cannot imagine their role in a mutually inter-dependent relationship in which there is balanced decisionmaking and shared control and in which the rights of bothparties to make critical decisions about their own lives areacknowledged and respected by both participants They can-not imagine trusting someone else enough to make such ashared and balanced relationship possible and they funda-mentally do not see themselves as trustworthy in the sensethat another person could really trust them to respect and pro-tect the rights of both

Second because manipulators see life as a zero-sumgame in almost every important dimensionmdashwhich to amanipulator primarily comprises power control and supe-rioritymdashthe manipulator believes that there are winners andlosers In a two-person relationship someone must win andsomeone must lose It is not complicated math There is noroom for a win-win or a lose-lose scenario In any interper-sonal setting the manipulator believes that if she gives some-thing to the other personmdashor allows the other person toclaim or attain something the manipulator valuesmdashthe potis diminished and there is necessarily less for her This viewof course gives rise to competition rivalry and jealousymdashtoxic emotions that taint and compromise the quality ofmanipulatorsrsquo relationships

The third element of the manipulatorrsquos worldview is thatother people exist to serve or meet his needs This allows forno exercise of empathymdashthe ability to feel as another personfeels In fact there are many manipulators (as we will see inChapter 6) who lack the capacity for empathy altogetherThey literally cannot fathom that there even is another wayto feel or think or need other than that arising from their ownperspective


63


The fourth element of the manipulatorrsquos worldview closelyrelated to the third is a huge sense of entitlement The manip-ulator operates from the viewpoint consciously or uncon-sciously that he deserves to have his needs met and purposesserved He may believe that this is true because of a bad child-hood or other negative life experiences in which the manipu-lator perceives that other people (or life in general) woundedhim in some important way therefore the world owes himback Life becomes about evening up the score and makingsure that he does not get cheated mistreated hurt damagedshort-changed or otherwise injured in any way The manipu-lator who operates out of this mind-set of entitlement believesthat he is special and therefore merits special compliance fromothers It is difficult for the manipulator to grasp the conceptof violating the rights of others because (1) he cannot reallyfeel that others have rights of their own and (2) he is entitledto have other people subordinate their needs to his

How Manipulators Create the World They Perceive

The fifth element of the manipulatorrsquos worldview merits spe-cial consideration here because of the unique way in whichthis perception transforms into a self-fulfilling prophecy Themanipulator uses the defense mechanism of projection in hisdealings with the world of others

She believes that given a choice everyone else believesthe same way she does In other words other people see theworld in the same stark win-lose terms She feels that othersalso believe that they can play or they will get playedmdashandthat given a choice others will always opt for being the


64


controllingmanipulating party She feels that others only feeltheir own needsmdashwhich the manipulator can barely imagineas being different fundamentally from her own Andfinally she feels that others share in her self-centered sense ofentitlement

Given this tendency toward projectionmdashtoward seeingin the motives and beliefs of others the same drives that pro-pel her interpersonal dealingsmdashthe manipulator cannot actin a trusting manner She instinctively will approach any sit-uation that requires a choice between trusting another per-son and behaving cooperatively versus not trusting anotherperson and behaving competitively by opting for the latterstrategy

The manipulator always will put the distrusting foot for-ward because she expects others to act only out of competi-tive self-interest she will make the preemptive competitivestrike first

The Prisonerrsquos Dilemma

A classic social psychology study demonstrates the self-fulfillingprophecy impact of this interpersonal strategy It is a matchcalled the prisonerrsquos dilemma game in which two people playand it is sometimes referred to as a game of social domination

The late great mathematician Albert W Tucker developedthe game in 1950 In his original game he conceived the storyof two burglars Bob and Al The two crooks are capturednear the scene of a crime and are taken to police headquar-ters where they are split up and placed in separate cells andinterrogated The police tell each of them that things will goeasier on them if they confess Will it


65


Each prisoner now has to decide whether or not to con-fess and implicate his pal The police tell them that if neitherman confesses they will both go to prison for a year anywayon a charge of carrying a concealed weapon If each of themconfesses and implicates the other then each will go to prisonfor 10 years But if only one confesses and implicates theother then the one who confessed will go free and the otherwill serve the maximum sentence of 20 years How do theydecide

There are only two possible strategies confess or donrsquot con-fess No other option is available In the following matrix firstdeveloped by Tucker known as the prisonerrsquos dilemma matrixor payoff you can see the options open to each prisoner and theconsequences of each decision when viewed against the decisionof the other prisoner

Bobrsquos possible consequences are to the left of the commain each square of the grid whereas Alrsquos are to the right If Aland Bob both confess and implicate the other they each get10 years If Al and Bob both clam up they each get 1 yearHowever if Al confesses and implicates Bob and Bob does notconfess Al goes free and Bob gets 20 years And if the reverse


66

Original Prisonerrsquos Dilemma Matrix

Al

Confess Donrsquotconfess

Confess 10 10 20 0

Bobyears years

Donrsquot 20 0 1 1confess years year


is true where Bob confesses and Al does not then Bob gets20 years and Al goes free

Over the years many variations of the prisonerrsquos dilemmahave been conceived to look at how people cooperate or donot cooperate in social settings We can view manipulatorsthrough the same prism

In one variation the matrix labels are changed from ldquocon-fessdonrsquot confessrdquo to ldquocooperatecompeterdquo The game issometimes played by awarding gold coins or dollars depend-ing on the outcome of each move

Each person on any given move can play to cooperate orto compete In the gamersquos setup if both people cooperate onthe same move they both win moderate outcomes ($10)However if one person cooperates while the other personcompetes the cooperator loses (earns $0) conversely the com-petitor wins big ($20) This is the zero-sum outcomemdashonewinner and one loser Finally if both parties choose to com-pete they each get only a small win ($1)

A true manipulator will always look at the game byassuming that the person he or she is playing against will com-pete Competing is the manipulatorrsquos natural mind-set


67

Variation of The Prisonerrsquos Dilemma Matrix

Al

Cooperate Compete

BobCooperate $10 $10 $0 $20

Compete $20 $0 $1 $1


However when you ponder the game you will realize thatthe best strategy to maximize both partiesrsquo outcomes is forthem to trust each other to cooperate on every move If bothcooperate each earns $10 for each move However the riskinvolved is that if you choose to cooperate and the otherplayer competes you get zero and your opponent wins $20

People who play with the manipulatorrsquos mind-set believethat everyone will automatically play to winmdashor to maximizegain and minimize loss on each turnmdashby playing competi-tively However this option will only work best for the com-petitive player when the opponent plays cooperatively Thecompetitor gets $20 and the cooperator gets $0

Manipulators always play the competitive move Whenthey first sit down to play with an opponent they make thecompetitive move Sometimes their opponent will make a coop-erative move on the first try sometimes he will not Howevergiven that the manipulator continues to play competitively theoriginally cooperative opponent has no choice but to changehis tactics into also being a nontrusting competitor In this waythe opponent will improve his score by $1 (up from $0) and inso doing also reduce the manipulatorrsquos score to $1

On the other hand consider the experience of people whoexamine the matrix and choose on their first move to playcooperatively trusting the other player to also cooperate sothat each gets $10 on every move If both players do playcooperatively over 10 moves each will accrue $100 As longas both players continue to play cooperativelymdashthat is bytrusting one anothermdashtheir gain will be guaranteed over thecourse of the game

However if a cooperative person gets burned by a com-petitive person on the first few rounds the only option open


68


to the trusting person is to switch strategies and become com-petitive toomdashjust as a defense

Studies of behavior in the prisonerrsquos dilemma gameshow that cooperators have varied experiences playing thegame Sometimes they meet other cooperators and bothwalk away happy At other times though they meet com-petitors whose distrustful self-aggrandizing strategy makesthe cooperator shift by necessity to a competitive strategyas a defense Very few people will continue to play cooper-atively throughout the game when faced with a competitorWhen asked to summarize their feelings after several roundsplaying different people the cooperators may shrug theirshoulders and say that it is just like life There are all dif-ferent sorts of people

On the other hand competitive players almost alwayswind up having the experience that both players compete inthe game Because the competitive (manipulative) player con-verts his opponent to a competitive strategy (but will notallow himself to be similarly converted to a cooperative strat-egy because cooperation requires interpersonal trust) hisexperience with others is not varied His own behavior cre-ates competition in others and thereby validates his originalview that others are not to be trusted

Using the prisonerrsquos dilemma game as a model for life youcan readily see that manipulators who inherently distrust oth-ers and project their own competitive impulses on others actu-ally will create the very social world they imagine Their lifeexperience will wind up confirming their belief systemalthough they typically do not understand how their own dis-trusting behavior creates distrust competition and rivalry inothers


69


The pattern captured by the essence of the gaming modelshows how and why manipulators rationalize their view thatlife is a dog-eat-dog game where each person must do what isnecessary to advance his own personal needs even if it is at theexpense of others Manipulators believe that this behavior isjustified because they believe that other people will do the sameto them

Think how this mind-set can affect and poison an inter-personal relationship Trusting people who allow for the pos-sibility that others can on occasion choose to behavealtruistically andor generously or as in the prisonerrsquos dilemmagame others can choose to cooperate because it is rational andadaptive will be open to the possibility of trusting relation-ships If you approach the world with an open but realisticattitude that allows for both kinds of peoplemdashtrusting soulsand self-promoting competitorsmdashyour experiences will mirroryour expectations You likely will meet both kinds of peopleand have the opportunity to form relationships in whichmutual trust and cooperation exist and are cherished by bothparticipants

In cooperation and trust lies the context for mutualrespect and healthy interdependencemdashthe blend of autonomyand interdependence that makes intimacy high self-esteemstrong sense of self and solid self-reliance possible

However the realistic cooperator also knows that com-petitive manipulators exist in the world when the compet-itive opponent is met the cooperator can adjust and adapthis or her behavior accordingly You do not have to rewardmanipulators by allowing their exploitative behavior andtactics to work


70


Summary

Manipulation derives from a mind-set and worldview that allowsit to be rationalized or denied Trying to get a manipulator tochange by setting a good example and allowing yourself to beexploited only rewards his or her manipulative tactics

The best chance you have to change a manipulator is tostop rewarding her tactics Manipulation persists because itworks It is effective As long as a manipulator gets you tocomply with her needs and give in to her control she will con-tinue to relate to you in a manipulative fashion

To change a manipulator you must change your ownbehavior The manipulator wants to advance her personalgain and self-interest and simply does not care if this happensat the expense of your interests well-being peace of mind or psychological or physical health When you learn to blockher tactics effectively with moves of your ownmdashwhich youwill learn as you continue to read this bookmdashyou will blockthe manipulator and gradually stop allowing yourself to bemanipulated

When her manipulation stops working the manipulatorrsquosself-interest will be better served by switching methods ormdashandyou must accept this possibility at the outsetmdashby switching rela-tionships altogether Blocking the manipulatorrsquos tactics may notresult in losing the relationship However you must confrontthis possibility in order to embrace your freedom and to find theway out of the destructive pattern of exploitation and manipu-lation in which you may be enmeshed If you are not willing tolose the relationshipmdasheven when it means losing yourself in theprocessmdashthen you are not ready to stop being a victim


71


Finally people are not always consistent with respect tothe role they play in relationships Many manipulators havelearned their craft of control from participation in relation-ships in which they were the victims Sometimes people whohave been subject to aversive manipulation in one relationshipvow to never be in the victim role again instead they suc-cessfully position themselves to be the manipulator in theirnext relationship

In this chapter you have learned more about what drivesmanipulators In Chapter 6 we will take a look at the typicalor most common personality styles of manipulative peopleIn other words who are the usual suspects


72


Who Are theManipulatorsin Your Life

Ne a r ly e v e ry r e l at i o n s h i p in-cludes the occasional use of influence orpersuasion This is to be expected

These efforts may be as mundane as a husband trying tosway his wifersquos dining preference to his favorite restaurantor a wife attempting to persuade her husband to see themovie of her choice On the other hand the tactics of in-fluence may become intensified and even coercive rising tothe level of emotional blackmail The boyfriend whothreatens to break upmdashor emotionally abandonmdashhis girl-friend unless she complies with his every sexual proclivity isone example of toxic influence tacticsmdasha particularly loath-some form of manipulation

Manipulation then is a subcategory of what psycholo-gists broadly call social influencemdashin other words the waysin which people try to intentionally change one another Thereis nothing inherently wrong with or unhealthy about attempts

73

6



to influence people Doctors for example seek to change ourhealth habits Good teachers use tactics of persuasion (andsometimes bribery in the form of candy) to motivate and stim-ulate their students Parents exert their influence over theirchildren as often as necessary as they should Indeed raisingand guiding children is very largely a process of cumulativeinfluence over many years

However there are boundaries to everything and thereare healthy or appropriate limits Determination of what con-stitutes healthy social influence versus unhealthy manipula-tion depends primarily on the motives and attitude of theinfluencer toward his or her target or mark and secondarilyon the tactics used in the attempt to change behavior or toalter the otherrsquos thoughts and feelings

If the influencer recognizes and respects the personal integrityand rights of othersmdashincluding the right of others to choose notto go along with the persuasionmdashand if he or she uses tacticsthat are appropriately mature and respectful of all parties con-cerned the influence is likely to fall somewhere within the rangeof benign or harmless to benevolent and altruistic However oncethe motive turns to exploitation and the tactics become coercivethe line is crossed from influence to manipulation

And this is where trouble begins

Crossing the Line

In the psychological lexicon the term manipulation has aderogatory and negative connotation or meaning After allwhen was the last time you heard anyone referred to in a pos-itive way with the noun manipulator Try to imagine a con-versation between two women with one trying to fix up theother on a blind date that sounds like this


74


ldquoOh yoursquoll just love BobrdquoldquoWhatrsquos he likerdquoldquoHersquos tall handsome loves to dance and is a great manip-

ulatorrdquo

Generally manipulation refers to attempts to changeanother person using methods that are exploitative deviousdeceptive insidious or unfair And manipulation is alwaysone-sided asymmetrical or unbalanced in its motivationManipulation advances the interests and furthers the goals ofthe manipulator only without regard to the needs or interestsof the markmdashand often at the markrsquos expense

Once the line between appropriate influence and manipu-lation is crossed relationships become disturbed and troubled

Thus while virtually all people attempt to influence othersto one extent or another individuals differ with respect towhether or not they use tactics of manipulation as a consistentstyle in their interpersonal relationships In fact the tendency tocross the line from respectful influence to outright exploitationand disregard for the rights of others is a defining featuremdashandan important diagnostic criterionmdashof unhealthy personalityfunctioning

Simply put personality is the name psychologists give tothe enduring pattern of thoughts behaviors and feelings thatcharacterizes each individual In a sense each of us has a kindof personality ldquofingerprintrdquo that derives about half fromgenetic programming and half from environmental influencesa roughly 5050 naturenurture split

In Chapters 3 and 4 you had an opportunity to examineand better understand those aspects of your own personalitythat make you vulnerable to the pressure tactics of manipu-lation in your life Later in this book you will learn strategies

Who Are the Manipulators in Your Life

75


to resist the tactics of manipulation so that you may developa better sense of control over your own behavior thoughtsand feelingsmdashin short over the way your life is going andover the way things either work out for you or do not

Building effective resistance strategies however dependsfirst on your being able to recognize when how and by whomyou are being manipulated It is important for you to have aclear unambiguous understanding of who is manipulatingyoumdashand that you are in fact being manipulated

Identifying manipulators in your life is not always an easytask As I have warned skilled manipulators include as partof their core repertoire keeping you off balance confused andeventually doubtful of your own perceptions and judgmentsWith adequate training and practice however you can andwill learn to pick up manipulators on your psychologicalradar screen even if they are operating at stealth frequencies

The evidence of manipulation can be detected in three pri-mary areas (1) in the personality of the manipulator (2) inthe negative emotional impact the aversive control of themanipulator is exerting on you and (3) on the dynamics ofthe relationship itselfmdashthat is how the relationship works orfails to work as a source of satisfaction andor gratificationfor either one or both of the participants

As I mentioned before no one is fully immune to beingmanipulated Similarly each of us is capable of manipulating(or at least trying to manipulate) others However certain dis-crete personality types are likely to engage in manipulationmore consistently than others Moreover individuals who fallinto one or more of the personality patterns outlined belowwill be likely to use manipulative tactics across a range of dif-ferent relationships (eg familial work and so on) andacross various situations andor periods of time


76


Direct Control versus Evocation

As nearly anyone who has been personally involved withrelated to or worked for or with a manipulative personalitywill attest the dominant themes of the relationship becomeissues of power and control imbalance or unfairnessexploitation and inability or unwillingness to change How-ever while involvement with all manipulators yields parallelexperiences for their marks the specific personality traits ofthe manipulator play a key role in determining which tacticsare used to manipulate others (eg charm whining the silenttreatment and so on) Chapter 7 will explore the issue of thetactics of manipulation

Various personality types that use manipulation also maydiffer with respect to how intentional or aware they actuallyare of their impact on others As you will see some person-ality types are very conscious and intentional about their pur-poses Without apology and with near-total disregard for theintegrity or rights of others these willful manipulators willdo whatever they believe is necessary to advance their ownself-interest Simply put these manipulative personalities seekto gain their way with others by applying direct control

For example a boss who overtly manipulates subordi-nates to do certain things is applying direct control In thiscase the manipulation is easy to spot However other per-sonality types manipulate others through less conscious orintentional means Instead aspects of the manipulatorrsquos typ-ically rigid and inflexible personality traits cause others toreact in negative undesired ways In this sense the manipu-lator controls the emotional and behavioral reactions of themark through evocation This means that his or her traits oractions evoke predictable reactions in others


77


Simply stated people with hostile aggressive personali-ties expect others to be hostile Consequently they treat otherpeople aggressively When people are treated aggressivelythey tend to exhibit hostility in return Thus since hostilitybreeds hostility an aggressive person often evokes hostilityfrom others

From the perspective of the mark his or her hostile angryresponse is manipulated (evoked) by the initial aggression Mar-ried couples or couples in long relationships for example areparticularly adept at evoking anger or upset in their partners byperforming certain actions even if they are not always consciousor aware of it The husband who yells at his wife because hefeels stressed and pressured may consistently evoke a tearfulemotional response that in turn evokes feelings of guilt andresentment in him Or the wife who denigrates her husband forbeing a poor lover may well evoke even greater sexual perfor-mance anxiety that will indeed confirm her (and his) worst fears

Recall Cindy and Bob the first of the five acts in Chapter 2Cindy manipulates reactions in Bobmdashanxiety stomach painsguiltmdashthrough evocation

Manipulating Your Life The Usual Suspects

While anyone can employ manipulative tactics once in awhile certain personality types are by definition inclined touse manipulation as a consistent method of interpersonalinfluence and control This is especially true of those who seehow manipulation has worked to their advantage in the pastand consider it an easy way to get what they want

Learning about these personality types will help you torecognize individuals who are likely to engage in manipula-


78


tive behavior In addition to sensitizing you to certain typesof manipulators your newfound knowledge will enable youto avoid such people and shield yourself from falling victimto their insidious traps

Training yourself to identify the personality styles describedbelow is the first step in the vital process of self-protectionRemember your goal is not to directly change those who nowattempt andor succeed at manipulating you Do not even tryit is pointless After all it is unlikely that you will become moreadept at manipulating than a skilled and experienced manipu-lator and this is not our goal However once you have identi-fied the problemmdashthat is that you are the mark of amanipulator and as such are at risk yourself of losing vital self-esteem diminishing your sense of control over your feelingsthoughts and actions and compromising your overall well-being and happinessmdashyou will be in a position to foil the manip-ulator by not complying with or capitulating to his or herexploitative purposes desires or schemes

When manipulation stops workingmdashbecause you cease toreward it with compliance and you stop colluding with themanipulatorrsquos hidden or open agendamdashthe manipulator willof necessity alter his or her tactics or if possible move on toanother mark Remember manipulators do not want to breaka sweat they always seek the path of least resistance

Spotting Manipulators in Your Midst

Think of this chapter as a kind of field guide to manipulatorsin their natural habitat I will describe for you the essentialpersonality traits and styles of several types of manipulativepersonalities


79


Who are the usual suspects And where is their naturalhabitat The answer to the second question is that manipu-lators exist within your life spacemdashthat is they are among thepeople with whom you interact on a regular basis peoplewith whom you are involved in relationships ranging fromvery close intimate bonds to more formal or structured rela-tionships such as those which exist at work

While manipulation can occur in virtually any relation-ship the individuals who can exert the greatest impact onyour sense of identity security status self-worth and senseof personal adequacy are also the very ones who have a highpotential for manipulation This is so because such relation-ships provide a context in which you have both the most togain andor the most to lose from the outcomes or ways inwhich the relationships function This is a hard pill to swal-low The manipulators in your midst may be among thosepeople with whom you interact on an up close and personalbasis including

bull Family membersbull Marriage partnersbull Romanticsexual relationshipsbull Work relationshipsmdashwith superiors coworkers and

subordinatesbull Friendshipsbull Academic relationshipsmdashespecially with superiorsbull Professional relationshipsmdashsuch as those with doctors

lawyers and therapists

I am certainly not saying that everyone or mostly every-one in your life is manipulating youmdashalthough it sometimesmay feel that way Nor am I advising you to keep people at


80


armrsquos length or to shut out close or intimate relationshipsfrom your life On the contrary It is only from healthy closerelationships that our most important needs for love con-nection meaning and security are met

However whether your relationships are helping you orhurting you depends on whether you and the people withwhom you relate are capable of maintaining balanced rela-tionships that acknowledge and respect the personal rightsand integrity of everyone concerned And this of courserequires that you be psychologically healthy yourself and thatyou are involved with people who have essentially healthynonmanipulative personalities

Now this is a pretty tall order isnrsquot it Particularly becauseyou cannot always control or choose the people with whomyou must relate You cannot pick your family You are likely tohave little control over the selection of coworkers or the peo-ple to whom you report at work and who therefore exercisecontrol over vital aspects of your career and financial security

The fact is that I do not know anyone who doesnrsquot haveat least one story to tell about a relationshipmdashbe it personalor business family or friendmdashin which they found themselvesenmeshed with and manipulated by an individual who hadmajor personality problems

The reality is that there are big-time manipulators whoat one point or another are likely to enter or reveal them-selves within your life space The best protection you have isto sharpen your recognition skillsmdashthe sooner you can accu-rately spot a likely manipulator the better prepared you willbe to make yourself a hardened and less vulnerable targetable to resist even the cagiest manipulative tactics

Remember all of us are capable of both being a manipu-lator and being used or exploited by one However there are


81


some personality types that are far more likely than others touse manipulation in their relationships It is important for usto identify and discuss the profile of these manipulative per-sonalities

Three Important Goals

My purpose in this chapter is threefold First is to help youto achieve greater understanding insight and clarity aboutthe relationships in which you are involved and in particu-lar about the dynamics of power and control that characterizethose relationships Over time participation in a manipulativerelationship as the mark or target produces a sense of loss of controlmdashover your actions your behavior and even yourthoughts and feelings Accompanying this loss of control is a dis-tressing sense of confusion discomfort and lack of clarityabout the motives and actions of the manipulator Ironicallythe more skilled and effective the manipulator the more con-fused and unclear you are likely to feel about when how andeven if you are in fact being manipulated

All too often the mark seeks to clarify what is going onby asking the manipulator to clarify his motives Howeveryou must remember that skilled manipulators frequently andconvincingly lie and deny their motives intentions or goalswhen confronted directly Thus the clarification the marknaively seeks from a manipulatormdashthe admission that manip-ulation is indeed occurringmdashremains elusive

As you will soon learn personalities who manipulate byevoking certain undesirable reactions in others are even lesslikely to admit to their manipulative tactics or goals becausethey are generally unaware of the impact of their behavior onothers You cannot rely on the manipulator to identify and


82


clarify her motives and goals To do so is merely to play evenfurther into the manipulation However this does not meanthat you must or should remain unclear about whether andhow you are colludingmdashalbeit unintentionallymdashin a manip-ulative relationship It does mean that the responsibility forfiguring out what is going on and more important for stop-ping the manipulation by rendering it ineffective must restwith you You are on your own in this sense since yourmanipulative partner is the last person who wouldmdasheven ifshe couldmdashhelp you out

As long as you remain in a foggy psychological state abouthow the relationship operates the more control you will yieldover your actions thoughts and feelings and the less effec-tive you will become to successfully resist the insidious influ-ence of the manipulator A foggy psychological state is verymuch like driving a car in foggy conditions Can you do itYes Is it safe No For your own protection it is essential toclear the fog in your mind

The second purpose then is to help you to develop iden-tification and recognition skills In other words by learningto recognize the personality traits and styles of people whoare likely to use manipulation as a customary practice in theirrelationships you will arm yourself with an early warning sys-tem Once you recognize that manipulation might occur youcan plan a resistance strategy that will preserve and protectyour boundaries choices and individual freedom if indeedmanipulation does begin

And the third purpose is to focus the aim of your effortson yourself rather than on the manipulator My intention inproviding the descriptions that follow is neither to turn youinto a diagnostician nor to suggest that once a manipulatoris identified you embark on a ldquotreatmentrdquo strategy in which


83


you try to change the personality or traits of the people inyour life As I have said beforemdashbut it bears repeating becauseso many people forget it when push comes to shovemdashdo nottry to directly change a manipulator

Instead focus your efforts on youmdashon your choices andon the control you exercise and must preserve over your ownbehavior thoughts and feelings If you comply with the influ-ence efforts of a manipulatormdashthat is if you give him whathe wantsmdashyou will reward and encourage the manipulationto continue If however you correctly identify the manipu-lative dynamic you can choose to respond differentlymdashtomake the manipulation ineffective by ceasing to let it work

The Usual Suspects

What kind of people then might be pulling your stringsWho are the usual suspects

The answer lies in identifying the characteristic personal-ity traits needs and behaviors of people who are most likelyto manipulate others to serve their own purposes The cate-gories or personality types that follow should not be viewedas mutually exclusive In other words people can and do fallinto more than one category Also this is not an exhaustivelist of everyone who manipulates It is an attempt to charac-terize the personality types that are most likely to use manip-ulation in their relationships

Please note also that several of the descriptions that fol-low are of discrete defined diagnosable personality disordersWhile some people may not evidence the full array of traitsand behaviors necessary to meet the criteria of diagnosis asdefined by the American Psychiatric Associationrsquos Diagnosticand Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV)mdashthe


84


ldquobiblerdquo of mental health professionalsmdashthey may display sev-eral of the traits that comprise a disorder If you recognize apattern of traits from the categories below (not just one ortwo in isolation) in one or more of the people in your life withwhom you may be having difficulty you should be sensitizedto the very real possibility that manipulation may be present

And as you read through the following list see if I amdescribing anyone you know

The Machiavellian Personality

In the early 1970s psychologist Richard Christie and his col-leagues identified a distinct personality style that is charac-terized by manipulativeness cynicism about human natureand shrewdness in interpersonal behavior Named after thesixteenth-century political philosopher and Italian PrinceMachiavelli this personality style is very nearly synonymouswith being a manipulator Machiavellian personalities arecommitted to the proposition that a desired end justifies vir-tually any means Machiavellianism is defined as a manipu-lative strategy of social interaction and personality style thatuses other people as tools of personal gain

Christie developed a test that measures the tendency tobe machiavellian People who score high on this measure arereferred to as ldquohigh machsrdquo High machs select situationsthat are loosely structured and unencumbered by rules thatrestrict the deployment of exploitative strategies They tendto evoke specific reactions from others such as anger andretaliation for having been exploited High machs influenceor manipulate others in predictable ways using tactics thatare exploitative self-serving and nearly always deceptive

Machiavellianism derives from the views of Prince Machi-avelli that a ruler is not bound by traditional ethical norms


85


A prince therefore should only be concerned with power andbe bound only by rules that would lead to success PrinceMachiavelli deduced these rules from the political practicesof his time

bull Never show humility it is more effective to show arrogancewhen dealing with others

bull Morality and ethics are for the weak powerful peopleshould feel free to lie cheat and deceive whenever it suitstheir purpose

bull It is better to be feared than loved

In contemporary terms high machs tend to endorse the fol-lowing statements

1 The best way to handle people is to tell them whatthey want to hear

2 Anyone who completely trusts anyone else is askingfor trouble

3 It is safest to assume that all people have a viciousstreak and that it will come out when they are givena chance

4 Most people will work hard only when they areforced to do so

5 It is hard to get ahead without cutting corners andbending the rules

And high machs tend to disagree with the following statements

1 When you ask someone to do something for you itis best to give the real reason for wanting it ratherthan giving reasons that might carry more weight


86


2 It is never right to lie to someone else3 Most people are basically good and kind4 One should take action only when it is morally right

High machs tend to constitute a distinctive type Theytend to be charming confident and glib but they also arearrogant calculating and cynical prone to manipulate andexploit In the context of laboratory experiment games highmachs display a keen and opportunistic sense of timing andthey appear to capitalize especially in situations that containambiguity regarding the rules

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A second personality type that is very likely to engage inmanipulation of others is the narcissistic personality typePeople with narcissistic personality disorder have the mixedblessing of holding an extremely inflated self-image and astrong sense of entitlement that makes them insensitive to theneeds and feelings of other people

According to DSM-IV people with this disorder have a pat-tern of grandiosity a need to be admired and a lack of empathyfor othersrsquo feelings or needs A narcissistic personality is expressedby having at least five of the following maladaptive traits

1 An overinflated sense of onersquos own importance and anexaggerated sense of onersquos achievements and talents

2 The tendency to spend hours fantasizing about hav-ing unlimited success power brilliance beauty andthe ldquoperfectrdquo romance

3 The belief that one is so special and unique that oneshould only associate with other special or high-sta-tus people and institutions


87


4 The requirement of excessive admiration from others5 The belief that one is entitled to special treatment or

that others should automatically comply with onersquosexpectations

6 The desire to exploit others to get what one needs foroneself

7 The inability to recognize or empathize with the feel-ings and needs of others

8 Constant envy of other peoplersquos achievements or pos-sessions

9 Arrogance and haughtiness

The one quality among all others that narcissists have thatmakes them most likely to manipulate others is their strongsense of entitlement This means that the narcissist simplyexpects special favors or accommodations from others with-out assuming reciprocal responsibilities in turn As a resultif or when the mark does not comply or do what is wantedthe narcissist will express anger or surprise

Feeling entitled allows the narcissist to use others almostautomatically for his own personal gain In fact the only peo-ple who matter to the narcissist are those who will in someway further his ends advance his position or enhance his self-image The narcissist simply expects that others must cater tohim and defer to his needs and priorities The exploitationtakes place in the context of a near-thorough disregard for thepersonal integrity and rights of others For example narcis-sistic employers or managers tend to drive their employeesbeyond their endurance with complete disregard for the tolltheir demands take on the personal lives of their emlpoyees

The narcissist displays a clear lack of empathy for othersHe is quite simply unable (andor unwilling) to recognize how


88


others feel For example if a friend falls ill the manipulatormay express irritation with the ways in which the friendrsquos ill-ness is inconveniencing him (eg the friend stays home in bedrather than accompanying the manipulator to a party or otherevent) without any recognition or appreciation of the distressfelt by the sick friend

Narcissistsrsquo relationships are predictably one-sided andproblematic Others view narcissists as arrogant selfishdemanding cold and aloof

Borderline Personality Disorder

The term borderline is somewhat misleading It does not meanbordering on the edge of mental illness Rather borderlinepersonality disorder refers to a pattern of personality thatinvolves highly unstable relationships a constantly changingself-image mood fluctuations and difficulty controllingimpulses

For the borderline life is extremely intense and chaotic ortumultuous While there are certainly some wonderful expe-riences these are invariably punctuated by terrible momentscaused by rapid and dramatic shifts in the way the borderlinefeels about herself and about other people

As a result for example the borderline may think of herlover or partner as the most wonderful person she has evermet But this attitude can shift drastically to one of devalua-tion and even contempt triggered by a disappointment thatsomehow proves to the borderline that the partner does notcare enough about her or understand what she needs Thissudden precipitous shift catches the mark off balance andmakes him vulnerable to manipulation

Borderlines are characteristically terrified of being aban-doned and they will go to great lengths to avoid separations


89


They become hypersensitive to any sign of rejection Border-lines will lash out in eruptive anger when their security feelsthreatened They may display emotional tantrums usuallywhen faced with rejection or the threat of abandonment orsimply show disappointment but they often feel guilty andashamed following their loss of emotional control

According to the DSM-IV borderline personality disorderis a pattern expressed by an individual having at least five ofthe following maladaptive traits

1 Making frantic efforts to avoid real or imaginedabandonment

2 Having relationships with others that are intense andhave lots of ups and downs

3 A constantly shifting sense of self-identity (eg whoone is and what one believes in)

4 Difficulty keeping self-destructive impulses undercontrol

5 Suicide threats or attempts or attempts to mutilateonersquos body (eg cutting or burning arms or otherareas of the body)

6 Rapidly shifting moods alternating between intensesadness irritability and anxiety

7 A feeling deep down inside that there is just empti-ness

8 Anger that is often well out of proportion to the cir-cumstances

9 Feelings of paranoia or detachment when under a lotof stress (ie feeling as though in a dream)

People with borderline personality disorder manipulateothers primarily through evocation of negative emotional


90


responses Those who are involved with borderlines learnrather quickly that chronic uncertainty anxiety frustrationand hostility become the characteristic reactions to the bor-derlinersquos disruptive and unstable behavior

Those involved in relationships with borderlines often feelcontrolled or taken advantage of through means such asthreats no-win situations the silent treatment rages andother methods that the borderlinersquos partner or mark view asunfair

Borderlines are prone to use a highly manipulativemethod labeled as ldquoemotional blackmailrdquo by Susan Forward(1997) in a book of the same name Emotional blackmail isdefined as a direct or indirect threat by someone to punishothers if they do not do what the blackmailer wants Thebasic threat of emotional blackmail is straightforward Ifyou do not behave as I want you to I will make you sufferYoung children who throw temper tantrums have perfectedthe drill although they are typically too young to be classi-fied as borderlines Nevertheless the same principle applies

Being involved with a borderline is tantamount to beingstrapped into an emotional roller coaster bound for endlesscycles of drama and chaos Sturm und Drang The partner istypically subjected to every shift in the borderlinersquos moodwhich may change from normal to depressed cheerful to irri-table and seemingly calm to raging angry and anxious all ona momentrsquos notice and often in ways that the partner cannotanticipate or even understand

Over time the partner experiences continual frustrationas a result of the borderlinersquos erratic moods and insatiabledemands for reassurance Eventually the frustration of thepartner may build to anger and even to the rejection that theborderline most fears but helps to create


91


Feeling manipulated is a nearly universal reaction of thoseinvolved with borderlines From the vantage point of the bor-derline he may be acting impulsively out of fear lonelinessdesperation and even hopelessness rather than out of mali-cious or cruel intention Nevertheless while borderlines maynot intend to manipulate or engage in devious and intentionalacts aimed at controlling or influencing the behavior of oth-ers the net result and the highly negative impact on otherswith whom they are closely involved remain the same

Dependent Personality Disorder

People with a dependent personality disorder have an exces-sive need to be taken care of which leads to their being overlysubmissive and clinging Dependent personalities are needysubmissive helpless and incapable of functioning unless theyreceive constant nurturance approval reassurance and emo-tional support Because they have trouble making their owndecisions on subjects large or small others involved withdependent personalities get manipulated into assumingresponsibility for making or aiding in all their decisions Ineffect others assume control and responsibility over the livesof their dependent partners

Because dependent personalities rely so much on othersthey fail to learn age-appropriate decision-making skills Inturn this perpetuates and reinforces their feelings of inade-quacy childishness and dependency To reduce expectationsof others the dependent personality frequently will fake inep-titude constantly trying to get others to do what he or shecould do himself or herself

Dependent people become very anxious when left alonebecause they are so reliant on others They need others to tell


92


them who to be with where to live what type of job (if any)to seek what clothes to wear where and what to eat whereto go on vacation how to spend money and even how toraise their own children

Criticism is taken at face value because it confirms their neg-ative self-image Because they find the idea of losing the guid-ance of others downright terrifying dependent personalities willnot express disagreement or dissent even if they do disagreewith advice given Furthermore they will not express any angereven when provoked because their need to be taken care of isparamount and they cannot risk rejection or separation fromthe people they manipulate into taking care of them

According to the DSM-IV a person has dependent per-sonality disorder if he has an excessive need to be taken careof which leads to being overly submissive and clinging Thepattern is expressed by an individual having at least five ofthe following maladaptive traits

1 An inability to make everyday decisions withoutadvice and reassurance from others

2 Reliance on others to take responsibility for most ofthe major areas in onersquos life

3 Difficulty disagreeing with those whose support orapproval is needed

4 Difficulty getting started on new projects or tasks ordoing things on onersquos own without help from others

5 Going to such great lengths to obtain nurturance andsupport from others that one ends up volunteering todo things that are unpleasant or that really puts one out

6 Feelings of discomfort or helplessness when alonebased on a belief that one is unable to take care ofoneself


93


7 Desperately seeking out a new relationship immedi-ately after a close relationship ends so to replace it(ie a rebound relationship)

8 Excessive worry about what will happen if there isno one to take care of oneself

The manipulation of a dependent personality is obvi-ous althoughmdashas with the borderlinemdashit is not necessar-ily conscious intentional or planned By virtue of thehelplessness submissiveness neediness and abdication ofresponsibility for their own lives dependent personalitiesmanipulate others to take care of them and to make theirlife decisions for them

There is often a gender difference with respect to how thedependency in this personality type is presented Women tendto be submissive as a way of manipulating or getting others totake care of them men on the other hand are more oftendemanding and pushy toward those they need Despite theovert pushiness and demanding style however these men maybe every bit as dependent as the more obviously submissivewomen

Histrionic Personality Disorder

The word histrionic means ldquodramatic or theatricalrdquo Peoplewith this disorder attempt to get attention in strange andunusual ways The basic characteristic of these individuals isa pattern of attention seeking and being excessively emo-tional if not downright melodramatic

The histrionicrsquos excessive emotionality frequently mani-fests as rapid shifts in emotion that come across as superficialor artificial Such a person may overreact emotionally or sexually to situations


94


Histrionic individuals have an intense craving for atten-tion and they feel uncomfortable when they are not thecenter of attention They often dress flamboyantly or wearoutrageous hairstyles to gain attention They frequently actin a very sexual or seductive manner in their continualattempt to win peoplersquos attention and affection Becausethey must be the constant center of attention histrionic per-sonalities can become very manipulative frequently usingemotional explosions to get their way

Histrionic personalities are highly impressionable Assuch they are often overly trusting and gullible They tend tofollow the latest trends in fashion music and so on evenwhen their interest is not age-appropriate (ie they work hardto look younger than they really are)

Histrionic personalities are usually vain and self-absorbedThey tend to have only superficial relationships and theiremotional expressions and speech often seem not to be gen-uine or to lack a depth of feeling

According to the DSM-IV a person has histrionic per-sonality disorder if there is a pattern of seeking attention anddisplaying emotions excessively The pattern is expressed byhaving at least five of the following maladaptive traits

1 Feelings of discomfort when one is in situations inwhich one is not the center of attention

2 Frequently acting in a sexually seductive or provoca-tive way that is inappropriate to the situation

3 Showing emotions that appear to others to be rapidlyshifting shallow and superficial

4 Consistently using physical appearance to drawattention to oneself

5 Talking in an excessively impressionistic way that islacking in specific detail


95


6 Tending to be overly dramatic and theatrical whenexpressing oneself or in telling a story

7 Being overly suggestible and easily influenced by oth-ersrsquo opinions

8 Tending to view relationships as more intimate thanthey really are

Histrionic personalities often play both rolesmdashthat ofthe manipulator and that of the person being manipulatedLike the borderline and dependent personalities describedearlier the histrionic personality manipulates largely out ofevocationmdashshe evokes negative reactions in others inresponse to the expression of characteristic traits

Her seductive and sexual behaviormdashwhich is meant to bemore social than explicitly sexual to the histrionicmdashcan easilymanipulate others into responding sexually In turn this canlead to embarrassment and to more serious concerns or issuesof sexual harassment Histrionics frequently are rapedmdashor cryrape Or after a sexual encounter they threaten to cry rape

The most intrusive form of manipulation of histrionicsderives from their need to be the center of attention In agroup setting for example a histrionic will try to upstagewhoever else is talking or gaining the attention of the groupOr through excessive emotionality (crying explosive out-bursts and so on) the histrionic will manipulate others intopaying attention even if they do not wish to do so

Passive-Aggressive Personalities

Although passive-aggressive personality no longer appears inthe DSM-IV as a diagnosable disorder individuals who displaythe traits of this personality type can be highly manipulativeThe key to understanding passive-aggressive individuals is to


96


recognize that they display their own hostility or aggressionthrough passive rather than overt actively aggressive meansHowever through their passive resistance to the demands orneeds of others they often elicit extreme frustration and even-tually evoke overt hostility in others

The most common maneuvers of a passive-aggressive per-sonality are procrastination dawdling stubbornness intentionalinefficiency and forgetfulness Typically passive-aggressive per-sonalities complain to others about the demands that higher-upsmake of them For example if the boss requests a project thepassive-aggressive personality will not resist directly Instead heor she will whine sulk and complain to coworkers or familyabout the excessive and ldquounreasonablerdquo demands that havebeen placed on him or her

The modus operandi for resisting is to ldquoforgetrdquo a deadlinemiss meetings and delay and procrastinate until those who aredepending on him or her become frustrated and even enraged

In personal relationships the passive-aggressive personal-ity resists demands through passive means For example ifasked to a social occasion the passive-aggressive person maycomply or go along with the request but display his resistancethrough becoming quiet withdrawn and sullen at the occa-sion itself When the partner becomes upset with his uncom-municative behavior the passive-aggressive person willexpress surprise and confusion over the partnerrsquos reaction

In a word passive-aggressive personalities manipulate oth-ers through their very passivity By not doing what is required ofthem or by seemingly complying with requests that are then sab-otaged through passive resistance the passive-aggressive per-sonality manipulates others by evoking frustration and hostilityThey are unlikely to change and display very poor insight orunderstanding of how their passive resistance affects others


97


Ultimately of course the passive-aggressive personalitywill manipulate others into making fewer and fewerdemands of him because the emotional cost of relying onsuch an individual is too great

Type A Angry Personalities

Type A is a designation given to a high-stress personality andbehavior pattern In the mid-1970s when the original Type Aresearch was done (exclusively on men) the researchers cor-related the presence of Type A traits in males with a muchgreater risk of cardiovascular disease than was true of theircounterparts who did not exhibit Type A traits

The essence of the Type A personality is someone withldquohurry sicknessrdquo Such individuals are concerned with gettingmore and more done in less and less time In todayrsquos parlancethey are typically multitaskers who become stressed and angryif they are caught in a traffic snarl if they have to wait in lineor even if they have to wait for others to finish a sentence orthought

In addition to the self-induced pressure of hurry sicknessType Arsquos are characterized as highly competitive concernedwith quantitative measures of success (how much money oneis earning how many promotions one has garnered howmany possessions one has) as opposed to the qualitative mea-sures of life (how happy or healthy one is how satisfied orfulfilled one might be) Type A personalities are also very con-cerned with maintaining control over their environmentsincluding the people in them

Over many years of research on the high-stress personal-ity dubbed Type A it has been shown that the true core traitthat makes these personality types prone to cardiac and other


98


illnesses is the free-floating anger and hostility they displayFor Type Arsquos hostility is on a perpetual hair trigger Theirhyper style places them and those around them in a state ofcontinual pressure Consequently anything that foils theirplans backs up their schedule or otherwise frustrates theirdesire to maintain control results in an expression of angerAnd it is the anger and hostility they harbor that becometoxic to them and that translate physically into coronaryartery disease

Naturally Type A intensity stress competitiveness andanger are not limited just to men although most of theresearch has been done on male samples Some years agoaware that the Type A research had been done exclusively onmales I wrote a book called The Type E Woman How toOvercome the Stress of Being Everything to Everybody Mythesis wasmdashand remainsmdashthat many women who fill multi-ples roles (eg career mother chauffer cook housekeepervolunteer daughtersisterfriend and on and on) tend to haveas much or even more stress in their lives than most Type Amen but the stress is different and requires different treat-ment and solutions

Nevertheless Type A personalities are controlling angryand often intimidating They manipulate others directly byexplicit tactics of control However they also manipulate oth-ers indirectly by evoking avoidance strategies in others whodo not wish to be the target of their hostility

Consequently people who work for or with these angryType A personalities or who are involved with them person-ally often feel that they must ldquowalk on eggshellsrdquo to avoidupsetting them If those who are involved with angry Type Arsquosare conflict-avoidant and fearful of confrontations they are


99


likely to become highly controlled and intimidated by themere threat of an outburst or confrontation

Angry controlling personalities can manipulate thosearound them in other ways as well The phenomenon of stresscontagion is quite palpable around such individuals In otherwords their stress level causes everyone around them to feelstressed and anxious as well

The Con or Antisocial Personality Disorder

People with this disorder have a lifelong pattern of irrespon-sible behavior and show little concern for the rights of oth-ers the norms of society the dictates of conscience or the lawThere is a marked gender difference with far more men beingdiagnosed with this disorder than women

Antisocial personalities begin young As youngsters theytypically lie when it suits them and steal if they think they canget away with it In adulthood they move on to bigger andbetter ldquoconsrdquo Antisocial personalities tend to have tumul-tuous lives with sudden changes in relationships jobs andresidences They may engage in illegal activities includingfraud theft white-collar crime or drug dealing They displayvery poor frustration tolerance and easily get irritated andeven aggressive if things do not go their way

These personalities tend to be reckless and blaseacute abouttheir own safety and that of others They will take extremechances with unsafe sex excessive speeding heavy alcoholand substance abuse and even dangerous criminal activities

Antisocial personalities are self-serving and arrogantOften slick smooth talkers they believe that individualsshould and do look out for themselves only Their decisionsgenerally are impulsive irresponsible and spontaneous lack-ing any consideration for the consequences of their acts They


100


are irresponsible in financial matters write bad checksdefault on debts and are callously indifferent to the effectsthese actions may have on others

Charm and charisma are used skillfully to deceive manip-ulate and con others They lie with impunity think nothingof using aliases and seek to con others for profit or just forsport or fun Since they believe that others are out to attackand exploit them they feel quite justified in striking first orpreemptively to get others before others get them These per-sonalities are adept at using glib rationalizations to justifytheir behavior frequently blaming their victims for being stu-pid gullible or helpless and claiming that they had it comingto them They endorse the belief that if they did not takeadvantage of their victims someone else would

Antisocial personalities fail to develop a conscience Assuch they experience little or no guilt or remorse for hurtingothers or for the suffering they inflict on others Antisocialpersonalities are among the most manipulative and danger-ous people you may ever have the bad fortune to meet orworse become involved with or fall prey to Avoid them atall costs

Addictive Personalities

Since addiction by definition makes its object (eg alcoholdrugs gambling) the number one priority other people in anaddictrsquos life necessarily take a backseat While addiction-pronepersonalities are not included in the DSM-IV list of personal-ity disorders they certainly and indisputably cause a great dealof sufferingmdashboth physical and psychologicalmdashfor those withwhom they are involved Spend one evening at an Al-Anonmeeting with the spouses children and other codependents(ie those who are dependent on the person who is addicted)


101


and you will get an instant picture of the damage that addic-tion causes

Addicts notoriously lie deny exploit others and wreakhavoc with their families work and social relationshipsAlcoholics and addicts manipulate others by their habits andby the pattern of maladaptive personality traits and interper-sonal behaviors that support their addiction

Those who are close to addicts try nearly everything toget them to stop drinking or using and to become cleanand sober However as the addiction increases and thequality of the alcoholicrsquos or addictrsquos life spirals downwardhis habit manipulates others into feelings of guilt depres-sion humiliation anger frustration uncertainty low self-esteem and other toxic emotions that the addict andhis addiction create

The addictrsquos extreme needinessmdashwhich becomes greateras his addiction worsens and his debilitation increasesmdashfitsthe often excessive complementary needs of the codependentto take care of others at the expense of her own health andwell-being Thus the addictrsquos problems become highly detri-mental not only to himself but also to the codependent per-sonalities with whom he is linked

Until an alcoholic or addict decides to change his behaviornothing anyone else does will make a difference

An Exercise in Spotting Manipulators

Go back and take another look at the five case studies inChapter 2 See if you can identify discrete personality typesor styles among the characters described Then take a lookaround your own life Can you spot possible manipulators


102


How Do Your Strings Get Pulled

In this chapter you have read and learned about the mostlikely manipulators in your midst These personality typesare known to use manipulation as a regular preferred andoften effective method in their interpersonal relationships

As you read over these personality descriptions you mayhave recognized some of the people in your life with whomyou have had or currently have difficulty Recognizing thesepersonality traits and patterns will sensitize you to the possi-bility that manipulation is taking place

Just how do these manipulators operate What are themethods they use and what tactics do they use This is thesubject of Chapter 7


103



How ManipulationWorks

Have you ever been baffled by amagic trick Have you ever been mysti-fied watching a person being sawed in

half Did you ever watch a skilled prestidigitator conjure arabbit out of his hat and say ldquoHow did he do that Howdoes that workrdquo

When my daughter was about 3 years old my husbandtaught her a parlor trick called ldquoBlack Magicrdquo Herersquos how itworked She would exit a room full of people and someonewould then point to any object or even a person in the roomLetrsquos say a bowl was picked When my husband called mydaughter back into the room he would ask her ldquoIs it thecouch Is it the chair Is it the rug Is it the picturerdquo and shewould correctly answer ldquoNordquo to each question until she wasasked about the bowl and she would confidently say ldquoYesrdquo

The object of the game was for people to guess how the trickwas accomplishedmdashand almost no one ever guessed No matterhow many times the trick was performed my daughter alwaysselected correctly And peoplemdashchildren and adultsmdashwould asktons of questions (ldquoIs it your voice inflection Are you secretlypointing to the object Is it always the fourth object you pickrdquo)

105

7



all to no avail They were stymied After a while some adultsstarted to get frustrated because a young child was stumpingthem

Now while it would not be right for me to spoil the trickby telling you how it is done I can tell you that it is verysimple It had to be my daughter could do it when she wasonly three (She also could do the part my husband playedhe would leave the room and then she would ask him thequestions when he returned) To me it is also very obviousBut over the years as I watched the two of them do thetrick many times I always marveled that people were miss-ing the most obvious clues However when you know howsomething works it is always easy to spot the trick whensomeone else does it

Manipulation simply stated is much like a magic trickIf you take the time to learn how manipulation works it isless likely that you will be caught off guard when confrontedwith it because you will know what to look for The mysterywill be gone

How Do You Get Manipulated

Manipulative relationships depend on activating one (or both)of two principal human drives gain (or reward) and loss (oravoidance) These are the two engines that drive the manip-ulation Do not bother looking for anything more compli-cated than this Manipulation always boils down to thepromise of a net gain andor the threat of a net loss

In some manipulative relationships there is the promise ofsomething valuable to gain which is why the mark willinglygoes along with the program Or the manipulator promises toreward the cooperative markmdashor compliant victimmdashwithsomething that he or she wants needs desires or prefers


106


A typical work situation might have a superior asking asubordinate to do something distastefulmdashmaybe work late orcome in on Saturday It is implied or even stated overtly thatthis is how people get ahead in this company by going the extramile The mark might be told ldquoIf you expect to get that pro-motion [or that raise] yoursquoll be here on Saturday Of coursethe choice is always yoursrdquo the boss adds Some choice

This is fairly blatant but sometimes the action is muchmore subtle and it is harder to see or feel the manipulationThe point is that in this case the manipulation promises toreward the compliant victim with something or someone shedesires needs or prefers

It is also important to understand that in many situa-tions just like this the mark does not always know that sheis being manipulated Sometimes it feels more like influenceor a suggestion However when the other side of the coin isexaminedmdashmeaning the consequences if the mark does notgo along with the ldquorequestrdquo or ldquosuggestionrdquomdashit ceases tobe influence and is downright manipulative behavior

This happens when there is something valuable to lose orsomething one wants to avoid A skilled manipulator thenplays on the victimrsquos fears and promises to prevent the loss orperhaps to avoid the punishing consequence if the requestedcompliance or cooperation is demonstrated

Control Levers

The drivers cannot drive themselves however They requirecertain essential levers of control to make them operate

All manipulative relationships depend on certain levers ofcontrol that are used to hold out the promise of gain or thefear of loss or the means to avoid something that is undesir-able For example common levers of gain or reward include

How Manipulation Works

107


bull Moneybull Powerbull Status (eg titles promotions admission to a school or

club)bull Sexbull Approvalbull Lovebull Acceptancebull Commitment (such as to a relationship)bull Praisebull Reassurancebull Material giftsbull Companionship

It is perhaps easier now to look at this list and recall atime when someone used one of these levers of control onyou If you were in a position where you craved money orpower or a promotion or entrance into an exclusive club andsomeone came along and dangled the brass ring in front ofyou you may have leaped at it without being aware that youwere being manipulated This is so because what someonewas offering was something you wanted and you viewedwhat he or she was saying as influence as opposed to outrightmanipulation

When a promise of gain is the lever of control the manip-ulation can seem soft or subtle Hard direct manipulationhowever is just the opposite side of the same coin Look atthe following list of some common levers of loss avoidanceor fear

bull Loss of moneybull Loss of powerbull Loss of status


108


bull Loss of jobbull Loss of opportunity for advancementbull Loss of any of the other rewardsbull Loss of the opportunity to gain such rewards

When a manipulator suddenly shifts levers from promiseof gain to threat of loss you will know it And you will knowthat you are being manipulated It is like being outside andenjoying the sun on a beautiful fall day Suddenly a darkcloud blocks the sun and the air turns decidedly colder forc-ing you to pull your collar up around your neck The chill youfeel is the same sensation you should feel when promise ofgain crosses over to threat of loss The manipulation suddenlybecomes coercive and stressful

Keep in mind that manipulation often turns on the pre-sentation or promise of rewards followed by the more insid-ious stage in which the threat of loss of the desired reward isissued In other words if someone offers you a gain andeither that gain or the promise of that gain does not satisfythe manipulatorrsquos motives you may next be confronted withthe loss of that gain or the loss of something else in order tomake the manipulation succeed

However there are more levers of control when lossavoidance andor fear are threatened

bull Fear of conflictbull Fear of angerbull Fear of rejection or abandonmentbull Fear of conditional love being withdrawnbull Fear of failurebull Fear of exposure (eg of secrets flaws inadequacies)bull Fear of shamebull Fear of guilt


109


bull Fear of criticismbull Fear of the loss of communication (ie the silent treatment

withdrawal of willingness to talk about the problem)bull Fear of withholding of affection or sex

Take a moment to reread the lists of control levers Whenyou become familiar with them your antennae will be raisedso that you will be more alert and able to see manipulationcoming Later I will talk about what to do when you are beingmanipulated but for now it is important that you are in a posi-tion to recognize manipulation when it is on you In baseballterms raising your awareness is like learning to spot a curveball as soon as it leaves the pitcherrsquos glove Even skilled base-ball players can hit a curve ball only every once in a while Butjust think how much higher their averages would be if thecatcher whispered in their ear ldquoThe next pitch will be a curverdquo

This is what these lists are designed to help you do rec-ognize the manipulative curved pitch Shortly I will be look-ing over your swing

What Does the Manipulator Want

In simple terms the manipulator wants one of two thingsfrom you

bull He wants you to do somethingbull He wants you to stop doing something

In psychological terms the manipulator is trying to either

bull Instigate behavior from you In other words he is tryingto get you to do something that is in his self-interest butmay or may not be in your own Remember the manipu-lator always puts his self-interest above yours Always


110


bull Or stop you from doing something She is seeking to ter-minate some behavior that you are currently doing but thatshe wants you to stop

As you can seemdashand will continue to seemdashmanipulatorsare often devious but not always very deep This means thatonce you know that you are in a manipulative situation (rec-ognizing the pitch as its delivered) you will be in a strongerposition to see the manipulation as it takes place

The gain or loss that compliance (with either the instiga-tion or the termination) promises may be made explicit by themanipulator (eg promise of gratitude or approval promiseof a tangible reward and so on) or it may remain implicit orunverbalized (eg loss of approval or disapproval loss ofopportunity for that hoped-for promotion or some otherreward or fear of these things happening)

What Types of Relationships Are Susceptible to Manipulation

As I noted earlier manipulation can occur in every type of rela-tionship Manipulation is defined by the setup of the promisedgain or the promise to avoid loss and by the tactics used andthe conditional outcomes that are perceived Therefore anyrelationship that has the potential to have an impact on youridentity security status self-worth and sense of personal ade-quacy has the highest manipulative potential because you havethe most to gain or the most to lose from the outcome

For these reasons manipulation frequently occurs in

bull Family relationships including marriage and children andother relatives

bull Sexualromantic relationships (including ex-spouses)


111


bull Work relationships either peer or nonpeerbull Friendshipsbull Academic relationships (teacherstudent)bull Professional relationships (eg doctorpatient lawyerclient)

What Tactics Does the Manipulator Use

Manipulators tend to use multiple tactics to gain your com-pliance with their instigation or termination desires but usu-ally not simultaneously This would be too obvious Typi-cally they will try one tactic and if that fails they will upthe ante

The tactics used will vary depending on the nature of therelationship between you and the manipulator For examplethe tactics used by your spouse or romantic partner likely willdiffer from those used by your boss or supervisor at workSimilarly the tactics used by family members likely also willdiffer from those used by a friend or coworker

One study conducted by David Buss and his colleagues(Buss et al 1987) identified the tactics used by dating cou-ples in their attempts to manipulate one anotherrsquos behaviorThese researchers identified six primary tactics of manipula-tion used for both attempts to instigate and attempts to ter-minate behaviors in their respective partners

(It is important to note that the couples studied did notrepresent a clinical sample where manipulation had becomea problem Instead these researchers attempted to understandthe principal ways in which couples acknowledged trying toinfluence andor manipulate one anotherrsquos behavior The


112

Buss DM Gomes M Higgins DS and Lauterbach K ldquoTacticsof manipulationrdquo Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Vol52 No 6 (1987) 1219ndash1279


results are interesting and useful for our purposes becausethey capture six important tactics that are used commonly inmany different types of relationships)

Recognizing the six tactics discussed below as types ofmanipulation will again help sensitize you to manipulativeattempts made by people in your life How many of the fol-lowing have you used and how many have been used on youby others

The first tactic identified is the use of charm Examples ofthis charm tactic include

bull I compliment her so that she will do it (or stop it)bull I act charming so that he will do it (or stop it)bull I try to be loving and romantic when I ask herbull I give him a small gift or card before I askbull I tell her that I will do her a favor if she will do it (or stop it)

The second tactic used by couples to manipulate theirpartner is the silent treatment Examples include

bull I do not respond to him until he does it (or stops it)bull I ignore her until she does it (or stops it)bull I am silent until he agrees to do it (or stop it)bull I refuse to do something she likes until she does it (or stops it)

The third tactic is coercion Examples include

bull I demand that she do it (or stop it)bull I yell at him until he does it (or stops it)bull I criticize her for not doing it (or stopping it)bull I curse at her until she does it (or stops it)bull I threaten him with something if he does not do it (or

stops it)


113


The fourth tactic is reason Examples include

bull I give her reasons for why she should do it (or stop it)bull I ask him why he does not do it (or stop it)bull I point out all the good things that will come from doing

it (or stopping it)bull I explain why I want her to do it (or stop it)bull I show him that I would be willing to do it for him

The fifth tactic is regression Examples include

bull I pout until she does it (or stops it)bull I sulk until she does it (or stops it)

And the sixth and final tactic identified by Buss and hiscolleagues is debasement Examples include

bull I allow myself to be debased so she will do it (or stop it)bull I lower myself so that he will do it (or stop it)bull I act humble so she will do it (or stop it)

These six tactics of manipulation are not limited just to dat-ing couples In fact you are likely to encounter some or all ofthem in many of your relationships However there are someadditional tactics that are used commonly in certain relationshipsthat would not likely be used by couples For example in workrelationships where there is a clear line of authority (from yourboss or supervisor to you from you to a subordinate) the manip-ulation may occur using authority as a tactic An example is beingtold directly or ordereddirected to do something (or stop)

In family relationships guilt induction is a common tac-tic This might fall under the general category of coercion but


114


warrants mention here because so many people are particu-larly sensitive to the use of guilt in family manipulation Guiltcan be induced with just a calculated tone of voice that canturn what might otherwise be a straightforward request intoa shower of guilt A mother who says ldquoGee we were all hop-ing that yoursquod be able to come home for the holidays insteadof going off with your friendsrdquo can heap a wallop of guilt onthe statement with just the right tonal inflection

Tactics are often stacked up in a holding pattern likeplanes waiting to land at a busy airport For example ifcharm fails the silent treatment or coercion may be used Sim-ilarly if reason fails charm may be used followed by regres-sion However it is rare that tactics are tried in combinationbecause they could collide with each other

Think about the people in your life and try to categorizethe ways or tactics they use to get you to do something or tostop doing something

When Are You Most Susceptible toManipulation

Manipulative relationships can occur at any time in your lifebut you are most vulnerable when

bull You are in a transitionmdashmoving from one developmentalstage to another (from childhood to adolescence from ado-lescence to adulthood)

bull You are making a significant life changemdashpositive or neg-ativemdashsuch as marriage parenthood promotion or jobloss

bull You are thinking about setting a life change in motion (egcontemplating divorce)


115


bull You have suffered a substantial lossbull You are in a period of heightened instability and uncer-

tainty

These periods involve redefinition of identity greater stressand anxiety and a greater sense of vulnerabilityopportunityfor gain and loss For these reasons the magnitude andimpact of desired gains and losses are intensified greatly

What this means is that you should be particularly onyour guard against manipulators during these vulnerable peri-ods Truly skilled manipulators are like vulturesmdashthey cansense when a prey is weak For example in a first or new jobyour need for gains or rewards in the form of promotionsapproval from your supervisors and acceptance by yourcoworkersmdashcoupled with your inexperiencemdashmay make youa likely mark for a manipulative coworker or boss

Francine in Chapter 2 is such a target for the manipula-tive senior broker Arnie Or a man who is newly single or awoman who feels her ldquobiological clockrdquo ticking loudly maybe very desirous of a relationship that will lead to marriageBecause of the intensity of the need the possibility of beingmanipulated by someone who holds out the promise of com-mitment may be great

In Chapter 8 you will have an opportunity to examineyour current need system As you will soon see the areaswhere you feel most in need of gains andor most fearful orconcerned about losses are actually the hooks by which youare most likely to be reeled into a manipulative relationship


116


What Are Your Hooks

This chapter is really for you to writerather than just to read I want you totake an inventory of your needs at this

point in your life According to the mechanics of manipula-tion a manipulator will sink his or her hooks into the areasof your personality where you have the strongest desiredgainsmdashwhat you really want or need most at this point inyour lifemdashandor where you have the strongest or greatestfears of loss Skilled manipulators seem to have a sixth senseabout sniffing out where they can take advantage of yourdesired gains or fears of loss Sometimes however you mayjust make it easy for them

For example you may be quite open and expressive tocertain people in your life about your aspirations needsdesires and dreams and you might be quite open about yourfears of loss On the other hand you may not talk openly tomany people if anyone about these deep desires or worriesIn fact you may be entirely unaware that your needs showat all

Being candid with yourself and understanding your ownneed system is a basic and important step in making yourself aharder and more resistant target to manipulators Remember

117

8



manipulators use certain levers of control over their targets thathold the promise of gain stimulate the fear of loss or offer themeans to avoid something that is highly undesirable to themark

Therefore take out a pad of paper and get ready to lookcarefully and candidly at yourself There are only two ques-tions I want to ask you although you may have multipleanswers

Question 1 What Do You Most Want or Need at This Point in Your Life

Think about the areas of potential gain listed below Considereach and give each a rating from 1 to 5 where

1 = no need at all2 = low need3 = moderately strong need4 = strong need5 = very strong to strongest need

Now rate the following 1 to 5 according to your needs

MoneyPowerPositionstatusSecurityLoveSexual fulfillmentApproval


118


AcceptanceCommitmentFamilySpouseChildrenLife partnerLong-term relationshipHappinessFreedom from worryJobcareer attainmentsPraiseReassuranceMaterial possessionsgiftsFriendscompanionshipSuccessachievementGood physical healthGood emotional healthRelaxationLaughterSelf-esteemFreedomEducationCompetenceOther (specify) _____________________

For each of the gains you rated as a 3 or higher write ashort paragraph or two expanding on the concept and mak-ing it personally applicable to you and your life For exam-ple whose love or approval do you need What kind ofsecurity do you desire

What Are Your Hooks

119


The goal is for you to tell yourself in as much detail aspossible what your areas of need or potential gain are

Question 2 What Do You Worry About or Fearthe Most About Losing

Read each item on the list below and rate each on a 1 to 5point scale where

1 = not worried at all2 = low degree of worry or fear3 = moderate degree of worry or fear4 = strong degree of worry or fear5 = very strong to strongest degree of worry and fear

Next rate the following 1 to 5 according to your fears

Loss of moneyDemotion of power position or statusLoss of jobcareerLoss of opportunity for gain as aboveLoss of loveLoss of sexsexual fulfillmentFear of conflict or confrontationFear of rejectionFear of abandonmentFear of failureFear of feeling guiltFear of feeling shameFear of criticismFear of failureLoss of respectmdashfrom others or self


120


Loss of youth and vitalityLoss of good physical healthLoss of good emotional healthDivorceUnhappinessLoss of controlOther (specify) _________________Once again for each rating equal to or higher than 3

write a short paragraph or two elaborating on the nature andcharacteristics of your worry or fear

Protecting Your Vulnerabilities

Now you have a greater awareness and understanding of yourown deepest needs and strongest fears and worries In thisway you have a good idea of how a manipulator might getcontrol over you The key issue of course is for you to sortout the ldquogood guysrdquomdashthe nonmanipulative people who trulyhave your best interests at heartmdashfrom the manipulatorsHerersquos the basic rule Love friendship and goodwill gener-ally feel safe and uncomplicated whereas manipulation feelscoercive confining and entangling

If a skilled manipulator holds out the promise of some-thing that you deeply desire or something that you deeplydesire to avoid he or she is very likely attempting to throw ahook into your need system Eventually it can become a deephook if you take the bait

If the manipulator then shows you how your behavior oractions can either help to make this gain occur or can help toprevent a feared loss (this is the bait) the seed of manipula-tion is planted and unless you act to resist his or her controlyour personal freedom may well be at risk Your most desired

What Are Your Hooks

121


gains and your most feared losses are precisely where themanipulator will attach the hooks that will increasingly pullyour strings

Remember at first the manipulation may be camouflagedas ldquobenign influencerdquo but once the manipulation shifts tocoercion and the pressure starts to build the manipulator canhold powerful sway over you This is why it is important tobe honest with yourself when reviewing the lists earlier in thechapter By knowing what you really desire andor what youmost fear losing you are gaining an edge over a would-bemanipulator who tries to exploit those deeply felt desires ofyours Knowing what they are allows you to keep your anten-nae raised so that you are in a better position to spot manip-ulation when it is on you


122


The Mechanics of Manipulation

As anyone who has been victimized by amanipulative relationship knows manip-ulation is a process that takes place over

a prolonged period of time If it came about swiftly in a newrelationship the mark would immediately catch wise andlikely end the relationship before it began ldquoSlow andsteadyrdquo could be the mantra of many manipulators

As was pointed out in previous chapters the manipula-tor uses levers of control over the markmdasheither the promiseof something to gain that the victim needs or strongly desiresor the promise of avoiding lossmdashactivating the victimrsquos wor-ries and fears that something he or she strongly wishes orneeds to avoid will occur unless there is compliance with themanipulator

The rules of manipulation are relatively simple at theircore When gain is promised the basic formula is ldquoIf you dowhat I want I will reward you with [whatever the promisedgain is]rdquo or ldquoIf you donrsquot do as I ask you wonrsquot get what

123

9



you want and needrdquo In both these scenarios the mark doesnot currently have the desired object This is the proverbialcarrot

However when threat of loss is the control lever the for-mula shifts to coercive control ldquoIf you donrsquot do what I wantyou will lose what you value or desire or already have oranother negative consequence will take placerdquo And this isthe stick

The manipulator does not necessarily verbalize the for-mula explicitly it is often in the form of a veiled threatHowever whether it is verbalized or not the carrot (thegain) or the stick (the loss or the punishment or conse-quence) lies at the core of every manipulative relationshipIf you think that you might be in a manipulative relation-ship now ask yourself ldquoWhat is the rule that governs thisrelationship How does [the manipulator] control my behav-iorrdquo In other words ask yourself ldquoAm I here in the rela-tionship or am I doing this thing [some act or behavior] outof my own free will and accord or is it because I fear losingwhat I haverdquo

The Manipulative Shift

Very often the manipulator will use both levers of controleither simultaneously or sequentially For example early inthe manipulative process the manipulator may hold out thepromise of a major gain to the mark As the process pro-gresses the lever of control may subtly or insidiously shift tothe prospect of losing the promised gain or losing even theopportunity for gain Once the manipulative control shiftsto a threat of loss the manipulation feels coercive andincreasingly stressful


124


Generally the promise of a major gain andor the threatof a major loss represents a kind of end point or goal in therelationship On the way to that goalmdashbe it a gain or avoid-ance of a major lossmdashthe manipulator controls his marktightly with smaller more frequent and more routine manip-ulations along the way It is in the exercise of these frequentmanipulations that the mark increasingly loses a sense of con-trol feels manipulated is manipulated and eventually becomescoerced and highly stressed And if the promised gain nevermaterializes the mark also will correctly feel deceived espe-cially when she has been compliant with all the demands puton her

For example if the promised gain is a job promotion amanipulative supervisor might exercise control over his sub-ordinate that might be expressed in requests that she workovertime and on weekends that she do special favors or proj-ects for the supervisor or that the subordinate break or bendcertain corporate rules or spy on her coworkers for the super-visorrsquos benefit Each of these individual manipulations is con-trolled by the immediate reward or punishment that followscompliance or noncompliance However the overall majorlever of control by the manipulator over the victim remainsconstant ldquoIf you do what I want you will get promoted andget ahead in the company If you donrsquot and you displease meyou wonrsquot be promoted [or other bad things may happen]rdquoImplicit in the latter rule are such threats as demotion jobloss negative performance reviews criticism or humiliationin front of other employees

In Chapter 2 we saw Francine initially controlled by herdesire to be successful and earn a lot of money As the manipu-lation progressed the control lever shifted to her fear of losingthe promise of the profitable partnership that Arnie threatened


125


The Manipulative Process

The fact that manipulation occurs as a process over time meansthat there is actually a string or series of promised gains orthreatened losses used to control the markrsquos behavior Themanipulation is rarely one isolated event it is an evolvingprocess over time

Manipulators control their marks through the use of sys-tematic patterns of positive and negative reinforcement orreward as well as actual or threatened punishment or nega-tive consequences The insidious process of manipulation gen-erally begins with the manipulator baiting the trap throughsubtle indirect or even deceptive means Or the process maybegin with the manipulatorrsquos use of pleasant appropriate orbenign signals of reward

Having first aroused the markrsquos interest the manipulatorwill seek to elicit compliance and cooperation with what mayappear to be harmless or unimportant requests Often in thebeginning phases of a manipulative relationship the requestsor desires of the potential manipulator may seem fully in linewith the markrsquos own self-interest In fact when the markmdashwhodoes not yet realize that she is about to become a victim ofmanipulationmdashperceives this link between the manipulatorrsquosinterests and her own the critical step of establishing trustbetween the manipulator and the mark is begun

Of course this trust will erode over time as the true natureof the manipulation is increasingly revealed

Having aroused the markrsquos interest the manipulator willseek to elicit compliance and cooperation with his requestsneeds or desires The markmdashwho is not yet a full-blown vic-timmdashmay feel flattered and even seduced by the manipulatorrsquosattention and interest

However the initial ldquobuy inrdquo by the mark to whatappears on the thin surface to be a positive relationship in


126


which both partiesrsquo needs will be met steadily progresses tofull ensnarement in the manipulation trap For example anew and potentially manipulative boyfriend initially mayreward desired behavior from his girlfriend with signs ofaffection verbal praise or other indications of approvalOver time the rewards may shift to promises of long-termcommitment or references to the possibility of marriage andfamily much like the story of Valerie and Jay in Chapter 2

When the boyfriend begins to use the threat of breakingup or expresses his sudden ldquoneed for spacerdquo or talks abouthis struggle with ambivalence and uncertainty about therelationship the shift from relatively benign or seeminglyharmless influence to coercive control and manipulationoccurs Now instead of the promised gain (eg matri-mony) the girlfriend is manipulated by the fear of lossmdashloss of the relationship of his love of the possibility ofmarriage and of family Just the threat of loss is sufficientto leverage his control over the girlfriendrsquos actions as wellas her thinking perception and diminishing self-esteem Ifin her mind she had done something to bring about the neg-ative change in the manipulatorrsquos mood she will hasten tocomply with his next request for fear of replicating thatsame response in her boyfriend that almost had him walk-ing out the door

This is classic manipulationNow letrsquos explore the five major methods manipulators

use to achieve power and control over their marks

Methods of Manipulative Control

Manipulative relationships characteristically appear complexand complicated especially to the marks However the meth-ods that manipulators use to leverage and control the behavior


127


of their victims actually can be understood in fairly simpleterms

Once you understand the basic methods of control youwill be able to penetrate the complicating verbal snares andemotional webs that manipulators spin and to see in clear andsimple terms just how the manipulator is exercising his or hercontrol This is vital to being able to break the hold a manip-ulator may have on youmdasheven if the manipulation has beenongoing for some time

There are five basic ways that manipulators control theirvictims They are

1 Positive reinforcement2 Negative reinforcement3 Intermittent or partial reinforcement4 Punishment5 Traumatic one-trial learning

In psychological terms these are basic modes of learningAs such they are not limited to manipulative relationshipsIn fact these basic modes of learning are used to influenceteach coach motivate discipline encourage and manipulatebehavior across all kinds of relationships and situations

Whether you are aware of these methods or not you haveno doubt used them to modify influence shape or control thebehavior of other people and they have no doubt been used toinfluence shape and control your own behavior We teach chil-dren train employees change our spouses and encourage ordiscourage our friends and families using these basic methods

So what is different about manipulation Before I answerthis question letrsquos look at each of the basic methods of con-trol first


128


Positive Reinforcement

This is the basic principle of reward If you like what some-one is doing and you want to increase the frequency and con-sistency of the desired behavior you provide a reward orpositive reinforcement for it This reinforcement may comein the form of praise money approval affection gifts atten-tion facial expressions that connote approval or pleasure(eg a smile or laugh) public recognition and a myriad ofother material and nonmaterial rewards and their symbolsthat people use to reward or reinforce one another such asmoney title and promotions

Positive reinforcement is the fastest way for example totrain a dog to sit or stay Positive reinforcement means thatwhen the dog does what she is supposed to do during train-ing she gets a reward such as a pat or a dog biscuit

Human beings from infancy on throughout our lives arehighly influenced by the rewards or reinforcements given tous by those on whom we depend whom we love whom werespect and who are in a position to provide the gains weseek and to prevent the losses we dread In hundreds of inter-actions each day all of us reinforce others and receive rein-forcement from others for the things we do Positivereinforcement increases the likelihood that the desired behav-ior will occur again

It is important to note that positive reinforcement gener-ally feels goodmdashit is a pleasant experience for the target Thisis why it works We like to earn our bossrsquo approval or praiseto receive affection or just to see happiness on the faces ofthose we love and to be told that we are appreciated and val-ued or that the effort we have made matters A skilled manip-ulator knows this and will tend to use positive reinforcementto make the target feel good (and by association well disposed


129


toward the manipulator who is delivering the reward) and tostrengthen desirable behaviors and habits

Do manipulators use positive reinforcement Absolutelymdashespecially in early phases of the relationship And if theystopped with only the use of positive reinforcement especiallyif the rewards given are gains you desire the relationshipwould not be manipulative In fact relationships that arebased on positive reinforcement are generally pleasant andenjoyable

The feedback subjectively is that the target perceives thather behavior is pleasing to the manipulator For people-pleasers in particular this can be enormously rewardingmdashandthe ldquopleasingrdquo behavior is frequently and often compulsivelyrepeated

However after the manipulator lures the target into arelationship using frequent or continuous positive reinforce-ment the ldquogamerdquo often shifts in an important directionInstead of frequent relatively small rewards a substantial andmuch-desired gain is now proposedmdasheither directly or indi-rectly But the gain appears just beyond the reach of the tar-get Initially the target is highly motivated to attain the gainBeing able to delay gratification the target is willing to dowhat is necessary to earn the desired reward and will waitpatiently until the time comes for the ldquobig gainrdquo to beachieved

Herersquos the rub though In manipulative relationships thegain remains elusive and seemingly unattainable Neverthe-less the manipulator continues to hold out the promise of thegain as a motivator for the target Eventually as the dynam-ics of the manipulation become clearer the target begins tosuspect that the promised gain likely will never materialize nomatter how hard or ardently he or she tries


130


Thus while the target frustratingly struggles to under-stand what is happening another subtle shift moves the rein-forcement mechanismmdashor lever of controlmdashfrom positive tonegative Under the manipulatorrsquos control the target feelsmore compelled by the fear that the gain may never bereached than by a straightforward drive toward the goalNow the need to avoid the loss (of a gain that has not yet beenearned) is the driving motivation

Negative Reinforcement

Many people confuse this form of reinforcement with pun-ishment but it is very different The best way to grasp hownegative reinforcement works is to use a laboratory exam-ple Picture a cage set up for a laboratory rat (Learning psy-chologists do a lot of their research with these creatures) Thecage is divided into two compartments One part is paintedall blackmdashwalls floor ceilingmdashwith the exception of a whitedoor that connects the black compartment with the otherhalf of the cage which is painted entirely whitemdashfloor ceil-ing walls To demonstrate both positive and negative rein-forcement letrsquos say that the purpose of our study is to teach(influence coach manipulate) our rat to move from theblack part of the cage to the white compartment as quickly aspossible

Rat 1 is placed in the black compartment In the whitecompartment at the farthest end from the black section weplace a hunk of cheese The rat will investigate the black sec-tion for a little while until it finds the white door which it willpush open out of curiosity and very likely because of thescent of the cheese coming from the other side It will thenenter the white compartment and promptly eat the cheesethereby receiving positive reinforcement The rat is happy


131


The same rat is then placed in the black section a secondtime This time in far less time than the first trial the rat willpush open the white door and once again be rewarded (pos-itively reinforced) with the delicious hunk of cheese The ratis now happy and smart

We do this exercise a few more times Each time the ratwill go through the white door into the white compartmentin less time than the previous trial Even if we omit the cheesealtogether the rat will continue to move promptly from theblack to the white compartment because the white section hastaken on some positive quality to the rat just through theassociation of the cheese with the white section

So far we have demonstrated how to teach a rat to movefrom the black to the white compartment entirely throughpositive reinforcementmdashthe presentation of a reward imme-diately after the rat has done the desired behavior (gone fromthe black to the white cage)

Now letrsquos put rat 2 into the black part of the cage Ourpurpose is the samemdashto see how quickly the rat will learn tomove from the black to the white section However this timethere is no cheese in the white compartment Instead the floorof the black compartment is electrically wired and is set todeliver moderately painful electric shocks in response to theslightest pressure Thus rat 2 is placed in the black compart-ment and is instantly experiencing a highly unpleasant elec-tric shock Within seconds the rat will begin quite literallybouncing off the walls shaking urinating and doing a lot ofother behaviors that highly stressed anxious rats display rou-tinely However in its bouncing the rat sooner or later willbounce into the white door which will lead it into the whitecompartment where there is no shock There is no cheese butthe painful unpleasant experience stops as soon as the ratgoes through the white door


132


Rat 2 has experienced negative reinforcementmdashthe pre-sentation of a painful unpleasant or otherwise negative stim-ulus or experience that is stopped turned off or discontinuedafter the desired behavior is performed

By the way it may not surprise you to learn that rat 2learns to move from the black to the white part of the cageeven faster than rat 1 And once the behavior is learned oracquired the rat will continue to throw itself through thewhite door into the white compartment even when the shocksare turned off in the black compartment Now the black sec-tion has acquired secondary negative qualities through asso-ciation with the shock

Negative reinforcement is sometimes known as aversiveconditioningmdashthe ldquorewardrdquo is the avoidance or stopping ofan aversive experience when the subject (in our case the rat)complies with the nasty experimenterrsquos desires

Now letrsquos consider the human analogues to positive andnegative reinforcement As we draw these parallels the pro-file of the manipulator may begin to take form

As explained earlier there are innumerable examples ofpositive reinforcement in our daily experiences We commendour children for doing a good job or for getting a good gradeor trying their hardest in an athletic game We thank ouremployees or offer praise when they do the job we desire Wecompliment or show appreciation to our friends for favorsrendered or other desirable behaviors We are especially affec-tionate toward and appreciative of family members when theydo something that is generous kind thoughtful or otherwisedesirable

The examples of positive reinforcement are endless Andfor the most part people who are positively reinforced orrewarded are inclined to repeat the same or similar behaviorsin the future and tend to be relatively happy or content in


133


their rolesmdashas long as they feel that the reinforcement is ade-quate or appropriate to their efforts

What are the human analogues of rat 2 Consider themother of a typical 12-year-old with a messy room She tellshim repeatedly to clean his room when he does not complyshe ratchets up the level and starts yelling then threateningto impose harsher punishments if he does not move his you-know-what and clean his room Finally when the boy com-plies the nagging yelling and threatening stop She does nottell him what a fine good boy he is or reward him She merelystops yelling Voilagrave Negative reinforcement

Nagging is the human equivalent of shock grids to the ratWithholding communication (the silent treatment) is a formof negative reinforcement Breaking the silent treatmentdepends on the other person complying with the desiredbehavior (eg an apology or doing what was asked) Any-time that one person subjects another to a painful unpleas-ant or otherwise negative experience until the other complieswith a request demand or need negative reinforcement is atwork

Other human analogues to the shock grids include themanipulatorrsquos use of such negative reinforcers as sulking nag-ging whining playing victim or the injured or hurt party orcrying or blaming others These tactics when effective arousefeelings of guilt shame unmet obligation or shirked respon-sibility

Alternately the manipulator may use intimidation tacticssuch as yelling swearing threatening or displays of temperor anger to control the target by arousing the targetrsquos fear ofdisapproval fear of anger and confrontation or fear of rejec-tion or abandonment Or the manipulator may make unfa-vorable invidious comparisons between the target and another


134


person (eg a sibling or a coworker) to stimulate unpleasantfeelings of low self-esteem low self-reliance and feelings ofinadequacy

Finally the manipulator may stir up the targetrsquos ambiva-lence or fear of change or of making a bad decision or mak-ing a mistake merely by questioning (ldquoAre you really sure ofwhat you wantrdquo) or expressing generalized uncertainty(ldquoYou just never can know things for surerdquo)

These negative feelingsmdashguilt fear and inadequacymdashactivated by the manipulatorrsquos tactics are intensely uncom-fortable just as the shock is to the rat By acquiescingcomplying or capitulating to the manipulatorrsquos demands orrequests the target can bring immediate (but only short-acting) relief from the painful or unpleasant feelings and fearsBy doing what the manipulator wants the targetrsquos actions arenegatively reinforced by the stopping albeit temporarily ofthe uncomfortable unpleasant or painful sensations

Now you can begin to see a clearer outline of the manip-ulator Fear or worry of a potential loss or other negative con-sequence (eg ldquoIf I donrsquot do this work Irsquoll lose my jobrdquo ldquoIfI donrsquot give this kid my homework to copy I wonrsquot be popu-larrdquo ldquoIf I donrsquot let him or her control the relationship he orshe will leave merdquo) clearly fits the description of an aversivestimulus that can be stoppedmdashat least temporarilymdashwhen thedesired behavior is done

Manipulators often use negative reinforcement Remem-ber that rat 2 was compliant but not at all happy People whoare manipulated or controlled through aversive conditioningand negative reinforcement typically become resentful angryand frustrated and they begin to experience a downward spi-ral of depression low self-esteem anxiety and other negativesymptoms that perpetuate the aversive experience


135


Turn back and take a look at the case studies in Chap-ter 2 See if you can label positive and more important neg-ative reinforcement in the stories

Intermittent or Partial Reinforcement

Both positive and negative reinforcement can be given oneither a continuous and consistent basis or on an intermittentpartial randomized and unpredictable basis These twoschedules of reinforcementmdashthe pattern of frequency and pre-dictability of the reinforcementmdashhave a great deal to do withhow the mark feels about the person who is delivering thereinforcement and about the behavior that is generating it

When positive reinforcement is delivered on a partial orintermittent schedule the stage is set for the development ofaddictive behavior The very uncertainty built into a ran-domized schedule can create frustration and compulsivebehavior where the target is always looking for that antici-pated reward In manipulative relationships involving inter-mittent or partial reinforcement the target has great difficultydifferentiating between circumstances where behavior is beingpartially and intermittently reinforced and those where thereinforcement (gain) has ceased altogether

Invariably when I work with patients who are in manip-ulative relationships I find myself telling them what I refer toas ldquoThe Pigeon Storiesrdquo Actually this is really another labo-ratory demonstration of the effects of continuous versus par-tial reinforcement

This time the subject is a pigeon instead of a rat The cage(sometimes called a Skinner box after the behaviorist B FSkinner) has nothing in it other than a lever that the pigeoncan poke with its beak and a food trough for delivering pel-lets of pigeon food Letrsquos look at continuous positive rein-forcement first


136


Pigeon 1 enters the cage We have kept the pigeon off foodfor a little while so that it is good and motivated by hungerThe pigeon will just poke around the cage for several secondsuntil it pokes the lever just out of curiosity or accident Assoon as the bird pokes the lever a pellet of pigeon food isdelivered to the trough which the pigeon immediately eats

Pigeon 1 has been positively reinforced for pressing thelever Our goal is to teach the pigeon to press the lever so wecontinue to reward the lever pressing on what psychologistscall a 100 percent continuous reinforcement schedule Thissimply means that each and every time the pigeon presses thelever it gets a pellet of food One press one pellet Within notime pigeon 1 will develop a strong lever-pressing habit

Okay Now we leave pigeon 1 and move onto pigeon 2Its experience in the cage begins just the same as that ofpigeon 1 Once the lever-pressing habit is establishedmdashafter10 or so presses and pelletsmdashwe suddenly and without warn-ing change the game Instead of rewarding or reinforcing thebird 100 percent of the time on a continuous basis we beginto randomize delivery of the pellets only rewarding thepigeon for lever pressing part of the time and then on a whollyrandom unpredictable basis This is sometimes referred to asa gambling schedule otherwise known as intermittent or par-tial reinforcement

Thus pigeon 2 might press the lever six times in succes-sion with no pellet of reward and then on the seventh pressit gets a pellet then 19 times without reward followed by pel-lets every other press for 6 lever presses then 15 times withno reward followed by a pellet and so on The point is thatthe reinforcement comes on an unpredictable basis only partof the time No rhyme no reason

To demonstrate the effects of these two reinforcementschedules we stop rewarding both pigeons altogether No


137


more pigeon food pellets for either And we use a stopwatchto see how long each bird will continue to press the lever with-out any positive reinforcement Psychologists consider this ananalogue to compulsive self-defeating behavior because thereis no payoff or reward

Pigeon 1 continues for a relatively short while Because itgot food previously for each and every press it is apparentlyrelatively easy for the pigeon to tell that the good stuffmdashtherewardmdashfor pressing the lever is now over And it simplyslows down and soon stops lever pressing altogether Afterall what is the point

However in the next cage pigeon 2 continues to pressthat levermdashwithout any rewardmdashuntil the bird eventuallycollapses with fatigue Why Because the reward came nowand then unpredictably the bird apparently cannot tell thatthe game has changed from intermittent reward to noreward at all In effect pigeon 2 has become addicted topressing the lever In human terms hope springs eternal inthe heart of someone conditioned with intermittent rein-forcement

Psychologists have demonstrated that birds rats and peo-ple who are rewarded with a partial random or intermittentschedule of reinforcement develop addictive or compulsivebehavioral habits Just picture a person standing in front of aslot machine for hours and hours if not days The gamblerkeeps pulling that lever losing money most of the time untilevery now and then the gambler hits a jackpot The jackpotis the ldquofixrdquomdashthe reward that sustains the compulsive desireto keep gambling for the next win

Again what is the human analogue to partial reinforce-ment especially in the context of manipulation Consider awoman who becomes romantically ldquoaddictedrdquo to a destruc-tive love relationship with a manipulative partner In the


138


beginning of the relationship the man showered her withattention affection generous gifts and the like each and everytime she showed him the desired behavior (sexual attentionor doing favors for him) Over time however he becomes lessand less forthcoming with the rewards In fact he becomesdownright unpredictable She can knock herself out doingnice things for him and he will act bored or otherwise enti-tled to the favorable treatment Once in a while though withno predictable pattern he will reward her with telling her heloves her or by being affectionate or kind He keeps herhooked by rewarding her only intermittently She is pigeon 2

Alternately consider the executive assistant (letrsquos say ayoung man) who works for a woman chief executive officer(CEO) The CEO is a brilliant dynamo but is known to havea nasty and unpredictable temperament Eager to get aheadthe assistant puts out a major effort to please his demandingboss At first she is pleased and praises him quite frequentlyThen she simply ignores his efforts Periodically howeverand unpredictably she comes into the office in a fiercely uglymood She snaps yells and berates him all day until he doeswhatever it is that pleases her and then she merely stops Hebecomes conditioned (manipulated) by partial or intermit-tent negative reinforcement

Thus with both positive and negative reinforcement theschedule or pattern of reinforcement is a key factor in estab-lishing control of anotherrsquos behavior The consistency of con-tinual reinforcementmdasheven if it is negativemdashproduces farless anxiety and stress in the recipient than unpredictablerandom or intermittent reinforcement

In fact if you want to create anxiety and stress in a sub-ject the most effective approach is to deliver a painful or oth-erwise highly unpleasant stimulus or experience on a randomunpredictable basis This is exactly what terrorists do Think


139


of the nationrsquos anxiety following the September 11 terroristattacks We are always waiting for the ldquoother shoerdquo to drop

Some manipulators are outright psychological terroristsin that they keep their victims on a constant razorrsquos edgenever knowing if or when the next aversive experience willhappen It is the uncertaintymdashrather that the bad event persemdashthat breeds anxiety and stress

Punishment

The only difference between negative reinforcement and pun-ishment has to do with the timing of the negative experienceWith negative reinforcement the unpleasant stimulus occursbefore the target produces the desired behavior and discontin-uation of the unpleasant aversive stimulus (the reinforcement)depends on the compliance of the subject While manipulatorsand others who use negative reinforcement rarely verbalize theformula behind their method it is clear ldquoI will do this unpleas-ant thing to you until and unless you do what I want If youcomply Irsquoll stop the aversive experience If you donrsquot the badthing or thing that you donrsquot like will continue and maybe evenget worserdquo

With punishment the negative experience is a direct con-sequence of undesired behavior on the part of the subjectThis time the rule is ldquoIf you do something that I do not likeor want I will hurt yourdquo

Punishment is used widely as a disciplinary or controlmechanism However what most people do not realize is thatpunishment is actually far less effective in controlling behav-ior than either positive or negative reinforcement In factinstead of eradicating the undesirable behavior punishmentgenerally produces erratic behaviormdashsometimes the undesir-able behavior persists and sometimes it stops temporarilyonly to reappear later in the same or a different form


140


Interestingly when punishment is effective it is usuallybecause the subject has learned the connection between thenegative behavior and the negative consequence As a resultthe subject learns to fear the punishmentmdashand the fear itselfbecomes a kind of negative reinforcer The fear exists and thesubject tries to avoid the punishment or negative consequencenot only by stopping the undesirable behavior but also byreplacing it with a desired behavior that in turn lowers thesubjectrsquos fear of an actual negative punishment Thus the low-ering of the fear that follows the desired behavior becomes anegative reinforcement

Manipulators establish coercive control of their victimsoften by using punishment in combination with other meth-ods of reinforcement

Traumatic One-Trial Learning

The fifth way that manipulators control their targets isthrough traumatic one-trial learning This method of con-trolling behavior is the proverbial ldquohand on a hot burnerrdquoevent In other words you do not need a second experienceto learn to keep your hands away from a hot burner if youhave experienced a painful burn once

A terrifying or traumatic experience can produce long-termand generalized effects For example a child who is attackedand bitten by a pit bull is very likely to develop a morbid fearof dogs that may last a lifetime The generalization effectmeans that the childrsquos fear attaches not only to pit bulls but todogs that resemble pit bulls in any way or maybe even to alldogs in general

The clinical syndrome of posttraumatic stress disorder(PTSD) can develop after an individual is exposed to a singlebut highly traumatic event in which he or she may have wit-nessed or experienced serious injury or death of others andor


141


experienced a strong fear of his or her own death Often aPTSD victim will experience feelings of helplessness shockand horror in response to the event A defining feature of thesyndrome is the reactivation of the fear response to futureoccurrences that resemble the traumatic event directly or evensymbolically

The terrorist attacks of September 11 gave nearly every-one in the country a sense of traumatic exposure Even peo-ple who were not near ground zero or anywhere else in NewYork City experienced trauma by virtue of watching the hor-rific images livemdashand then in endless repetitionmdashon televi-sion That experience allowed people thousands of milesaway to experience the event almost as if they had been therein person

But how do manipulators use traumatic one-trial learn-ing A physically or emotionally abusive husband for exam-ple generally can establish fear and trepidation in his victimafter the first traumatic episode Thereafter the victim is fear-ful and adopts a response style designed to try to avoidanother occurrence of abuse Unfortunately almost everyabuser continues to reexpose his victim to repeat attacks thatserve to deepen the impact of the initial traumatic experience

One of my patients was a young woman in a training pro-gram with a new company She was ambitious smart andhighly motivated and at the time she took the new positionshe was already establishing a name for herself as someonelikely to succeed in a competitive sales environment

Toward the end of her initial training after havingreceived rave reviews from nearly all her mentors she wasassigned to a new trainer After just a week or so on the newassignment her new supervisor called her into his officeclosed the door and proceeded to attack her verbally in per-


142


sonal and vitriolic ways His tirade lasted a full 10 minutesduring which he pounded on the table for emphasis repeat-edly raised his voice to a loud yell and turned red in the faceall the while demeaning criticizing and berating her

Immediately after this experience the young womanbegan sobbing and shaking and had to leave for the day Shestayed home for the rest of the week When she returned tocomplete her 3-month assignment she remained terrified ofengaging the anger of her explosive mentor Despite herefforts to try to make sense out of his criticism she could findno direction or logic in his remarks And after he explodedher anxiety and shock interfered with her ability to really lis-ten or ldquohearrdquo his words anytime in the future

Instead of the aggressive motivated trainee she had beenpreviously the woman adopted a ldquolow profilerdquo just to avoideven being noticed by her abusive trainer This ldquounder theradarrdquo mode caused her sales figures to drop radically More-over her anxiety and stress compromised her performance anddiminished her confidence In just one traumatic tirade thetrainer had accomplished his mission manipulative controlover the emotions and behavior of the young female trainee

While verbal and even physical aggression is a commonmethod of manipulators extreme emotionality andor loss ofemotional control can have a very strong impact

A male patient of mine had been happily dating a womanfor a few months until quite unpredictably from his vantagepoint she totally ldquolost itrdquo and erupted in an ldquoemotional hur-ricanerdquo He reported that she ranted incoherently and that shecried screamed sobbed and escalated into a full-blown panicattack And to top it off she somehow blamed it all on him

After that episode he continued to date the woman for afew more months But he explained ldquoIt was never the same


143


I walked on eggshells around her fearful that I was going totrigger another one of those meltdowns I never want to bearound that kind of craziness againrdquo

The psychological term is one-trial learning because theimpact on the victim is so strong as to effect behavior controloften through the instigation of fear and intimidation almostimmediately However people who erupt emotionally or phys-ically generally do not stop with one episodemdashtheir own self-control is not that good In other words if the meltdownhappened once it is a safe bet that it is only a matter of timebefore the other shoe drops with a blood-curdling thud

Multi-Method Manipulation

Most manipulators use most or all of the methods justdescribed to establish and maintain control over their victimsrsquobehavior Methods are not mutually exclusivemdashthe manipu-lator may change tactics and methods just to remain unpre-dictable and confusing to his or her mark

The Big Lie

A final method of manipulation is the ldquoBig Lierdquo As we havediscussed the manipulatorrsquos control is often based on thepromise of a big gain or the avoidance of a big loss fear oranother negative dreaded event Once the victim has boughtinto the promise or expectation of gain or avoidance of lossthe manipulation game is afoot And the manipulator may useall the methods of reinforcement and control described ear-lier to keep the victim complying with what the manipulatorwants all along the way to the supposed big gain or avoid-ance of the big loss


144


All too often what victims discover is that the promise orexpectation was never going to materialize even if the com-pliance was near perfect As one victim of a manipulative bossexplained ldquoI was never going to get that promotion It didnot matter what I did for him He was lying to me the wholetime in order to keep me under his control At the end of thetwo worst and hardest-working years of my life I got laid offThat was my big reward I only wish I had realized early onthat the whole thing was a big con gamerdquo

Victims of romantic manipulation are convinced that ifthey do what the manipulator wants they will earn and main-tain his or her love and commitment and conversely that ifthey fail to please the manipulator they will lose the love andeventually be abandoned Again sadly the victim discoversthat the person who is exploiting and manipulating her doesnot really love her in the first place so the threatened loss oflove was a Big Lie all along

The good news about discovering that you have beenconned by the Big Lie is that this awareness can be quite lib-eratingmdashand can form the first step toward freedom frommanipulation

The Victimrsquos Countercontrol

Finally I cannot conclude a chapter on manipulative meth-ods without explaining that the target of manipulation canhave reciprocal control over the manipulator Herersquos how

Once a coercive manipulative pattern is established thetarget of a manipulative relationship experiences a great dealof stress anxiety internal conflict and distress over the lossof control he experiences As a result the victim rarely rec-ognizes his own role as a collaborator in the manipulative


145


process Moreover because he feels controlled and relativelypowerless the target often cannot see or feel where his owncountercontrol lever lies

Remember it takes two (at least) to have a manipula-tive relationship We have seen in this chapter how a manip-ulator can engage his mark or target in a relationshipthrough relatively benign or even pleasant positive rein-forcement and the promise of a desired big gain down theline

And we have seen that over time the method of controloften changes from positive to negative reinforcement andaversive conditioning Both continual and intermittent rein-forcement schedules are used as are punishment and eventraumatic one-trial learning

However it is critical to recognize and appreciate that thevictim is also controlling the manipulator albeit in a far lessconscious or intentional way Each and every time the victimcomplies and produces the desired behavior (or ceases anundesired behavior) the manipulator is in turn reinforcedfor using manipulative methods Remember the discussionearlier in this chapter about rewards in the section on posi-tive reinforcement Well every time the victim complies withthe manipulatorrsquos ldquorequestrdquo the manipulator is receiving hisreward or positive reinforcement

Over time the victim comes to think of herself as ldquounderthe thumbrdquo of a manipulator The stress of the experience haspredicable and distorting effects on the markrsquos perceptionjudgment and self-esteem Most important the stress limitsthe markrsquos ability to perceive alternatives or to adequatelyidentify the true range of her personal autonomy and free-dom The net effect is a deepening of the malicious process of


146


manipulation and a downward spiral of depression anxietyand lowered self-esteem

As the victim weakens and succumbs to the manipulatorrsquoscontrol the latter becomes stronger and more assured of theeffectiveness of his methods Manipulation is a form of emo-tional blackmail Once you give into blackmail you reinforcethe blackmailerrsquos methods

The first step in freeing yourself from manipulation is rec-ognizing that you are not as powerless as you feel Byenabling the manipulator to control you you are exercisinga kind of power and control of your own If you stop com-plying with the coercion you will cripple the effectiveness ofthe manipulatorrsquos methods Your compliance only serves toreinforce the manipulation However as you will soon learnyour resistance eventually will weaken the manipulatorrsquoshand and loosen the emotional ties or bonds that have con-trolled you

Does resistance mean that you will suffer the negative con-sequences that you fear Will a coercive manipulator merelyraise the ante of unpleasantness in order to pressure you intocompliance in a negative reinforcement strategy Yes initiallythe manipulator is likely to balk at your newfound resistanceand to even escalate his or her coercive tactics However withcontinued resistance the manipulator will be forced to changeeither his or her tactics or choice of victim Manipulation onlycontinues when it is effective

In the next few chapters we will see how emotionallyunhealthy it can become for a victim to submit to the coer-cive control of a manipulator Fully understanding theimpact of manipulation will help you to answer these criti-cal questions


147


1 Is the price you are paying emotionally by allowing amanipulator to control you really worth it

2 Are you truly avoiding a worse consequencemdashthe bigloss or the loss of the big gainmdashby colluding in themanipulation

3 Is the anxiety depression stress and damage to yourself-esteem and self-respect even worse than the con-sequence you have been trying so desperately to avoid


148


Are You in aManipulativeRelationship

By this point you may strongly suspectthat there is a manipulator in your lifemaybe even more than one You may have

recognized telltale personality traits or tuned into some ofthe methods and tactics a manipulator is using And you havetaken a close look at aspects of your own personalitymdashyourbuttons and hooksmdashthat may make you vulnerable to a ma-nipulatorrsquos exploitation

Ideally these insights and information have alreadyhelped you to steer clear of certain people before theyensnare you in a manipulative trap Realistically howeveryou may already be ensnared and even deeply involvedwith a person who has gained control over you in a waythat is causing you to feel concerned if not downrightunhappy

Victims of manipulation develop a characteristic set offeelings about themselves as a result of colluding in the

149

10



toxic dynamic The good news about this is that the cluesand indicators of whether you are likely involved in amanipulative relationship are inside of you The best placeto look is at your own feelings and reactions to the rela-tionship

Herersquos a quiz that will help reveal whether you are par-ticipating in a manipulative relationship First identify thename of the person with whom you are currently havingissues problems or difficulties that may well signal manipu-lation Remember the people in your life who have the mostdirect impact on the things you most wantmdashthe big gainsmdashor the things you most want to avoidmdashthe big losses orfearsmdashare the ones most likely to manipulate you effectivelyThey are often

bull Family membersbull Spouses or romantic partnersbull Coworkers subordinates and especially superiors at workbull Friendssocial relationshipsbull Academic relationshipsbull Members of social groups or organizations that are impor-

tant to youbull Professional relationships

Are You in a Manipulative Relationship

(Repeat this exercise for each person)Think about your relationship with ___________________Read each statement and rate how strongly you agree or

disagree with it Mark your answers at the end of each state-ment or on a separate piece of paper


150


5 = strongly agree 4 = agree somewhat3 = agree slightly2 = disagree somewhat1 = strongly disagree

1 I often feel that I just do not know how to make________ happy

2 I sometimes feel confused and unclear about what________ really wants

3 It mostly feels to me that ________rsquos needs dominateour relationship

4 I often wind up feeling more to blame for problemsin my relationship with ________ than he or she does

5 I feel that ________ does not understand my needs inthis relationship

6 I sometimes feel resentful and angry toward ________7 I rarely express my negative feelings to ________8 I sometimes feel that ________ has more control over

my feelings and behavior than I do9 I sometimes feel that ________ is using or exploiting

my giving nature10 More and more I feel dissatisfied and frustrated with

the way ________ treats me11 I believe that I am much better at meeting ________rsquos

needs than the other way around12 I often feel that I have to choose my words very care-

fully around ________


151


13 I say and do things to try to avoid angering or upset-ting ________

14 I sometimes feel that ________ takes me for granted15 Instead of expressing my anger directly toward

________ I often direct my anger inward and windup feeling bad about myself sometimes evendepressed

16 When I think about my relationship with ________ Irealize that I do not feel as good about myself as Ionce did

17 Irsquom not sure that ________ really has my best inter-ests at heart

18 I often feel that I need ________ far more than he orshe needs me

19 I sometimes feel that I am trapped in my relationshipwith ________ with no clear way out

20 I am better off checking first with ________ about adecision or action than relying on my own judgmentand risk making a big mistake

21 I often feel that ________ has more control over myfeelings and behavior than I have over his or her feel-ings and behavior

22 I worry frequently about upsetting disappointing orletting _________ down

23 I often feel that something bad will happen if I do notdo what ________ wants

24 No matter how much I do for ________ he or shehas a way of making me feel that I have not doneenough

25 I have sometimes thought that ________ intimidatesme with his or her anger moods or emotionality


152


26 I often feel in my relationship with ________ that I donot have much freedom to really be myself or to dowhat I really want

27 ________ has a very strong influence over how I feelthink andor act

28 I do not feel that I can do much to change ________29 Even when I do something that really pleases

________ or makes him or her happy the good feel-ings never seem to last very long

30 I work much harder at this relationship than ________seems to

How to Score Your Answers

First add the numerical value of your answers Your total willrange from 30 to 150

How to Interpret Your Answers

If your score is between 120 and 150 you are quite likely tobe involved in a manipulative relationship The closer yourscore is to 150 the greater is the negative emotional toll thatthat relationship is taking on you The pattern of behavioryou have developed is actually rewarding the manipulator andenabling his or her control over you to continue and verylikely increase

If your score is between 100 and 119 you are developingsigns of being manipulated Remember manipulative rela-tionships rarely change unless the victim stops enabling theprocess to continue

If your score is lower than 99 you are not likely to be thevictim of manipulation in this relationship The difficulties inyour relationship are likely to have other explanations


153


If your score is in a danger zone focus on this Manipu-lators are rarely motivated to be the first to change in the rela-tionship The paradox of manipulation is that the person whofeels least powerfulmdashthe victimmdashis really the one who canbecome most empowered to make changes

Remember manipulation is used because it works Yourscore reflects just how well the manipulative methods areworking to control you in the relationship As I have dis-cussed previously and will again soon the most effective wayto thwart andor change a manipulator is by changing yourown responses so that the manipulation no longer is effective

You will learn to use effective resistance tactics that willdisrupt derail and ultimately destroy the manipulatorrsquos abil-ity to coercively control you And you will learn to ldquohardenthe targetrdquo by making yourself less vulnerable to manipula-tion now and in the future

Before we turn to the strategies to counter manipulationyou need to understand in more depth why and how a manip-ulative relationship affects the victim Only when you realizehow unhealthy your participation is will you be fully moti-vated to change


154


The Impact ofManipulation

In the 25-plus years that I have beenpracticing clinical psychology I cannot re-call a single instance where a patient sought

my help because he or she wanted to stop manipulatingother people On the other hand not surprisingly victimsof manipulation frequently seek psychological help tocope with a relationship that is a source of great frustra-tion and stress to them

Generally by the time the victim is sufficiently distressedto seek help he or she bears clear signs of the manipulatorrsquoscontrol The ldquohoneymoonrdquo or initial period of relativelybenign influence typically has long passed and the manipu-lator has tightened the strings of coercive control Sometimesthe victim knows full well that manipulation is at play andthat he or she is caught in a web partly of his or her own mak-ing Other times however the victim lacks clarity on the truenature of the manipulative dynamic in which he or she isenmeshed

155

11



Footprints in the Snow

Either way the victim characteristically complains of feelingsof confusion about what the manipulatorrsquos desires and moti-vations really are In the context of the relationship the vic-tim often reports feeling unhappy highly stressed and full ofanxiety and worry Subjectively victims often feel quite ldquooutof controlrdquo in terms of their own behavior and emotions onlysometimes recognizing that the manipulator is really pullingtheir strings

In effect while the mark or victim may not yet have clarityas to the manipulative dynamic or to the role he or she playsin the collusion an experienced clinician certainly can read theldquofootprintsrdquo left by the manipulator all over the victimrsquos emo-tional state In this sense while the manipulator may not bepresent for the therapy (although somewhat later he actuallymay join in the therapy process albeit usually reluctantly) hisor her identity is recognizable from the proverbial ldquofootprintleft in the snowrdquo or more accurately on the victimrsquos psyche

The Silent Contract

There is often an implicit or silent agreement between themanipulator and the victim not to speak directly about theldquorulesrdquo of their relationship Part of what the manipulatorcontrols is what will and will not be permissible communica-tion in the relationship This is often accomplished simply bybeing unwilling or unavailable to participate in a given con-versation (eg ldquoIrsquom not in the mood to talk about thisrdquo or ldquoIdonrsquot have time now to discuss thisrdquo)

Nonverbally the manipulator simply may convey his orher displeasure by ignoring a comment or question walking


156


out ending a phone call or otherwise indicating that he orshe is not receptive to discussion

It does not take long for the silent contract to be set Com-munication especially as it pertains to the power and controldynamics of the relationship is limited or forbidden Thethreat of conflict and confrontation looms large to the victimfor even suggesting that manipulation is taking place Thusthe silent pact continues

I hear many similar stories from frustrated patients whoultimately report being stymied by this type of manipulativewall However it usually takes a while for the victim to real-ize what has been going on in the relationship

When threats are implicit no direct responses are toler-ated In fact the potency of the implied threat coercion orintimidation lies in the victimrsquos inabilitymdashor perceived inabil-itymdashto talk about the fact that he or she feels manipulated

As long as the real agenda of the manipulator is kept hid-den or obscured the pattern will persist By controlling andlimiting communication the manipulator creates mountingfrustration and eventual hostility in the victim Howeverwithout a vehicle for expressing the negative feelings thesefeelings often become internalized thereby contributing to theprocess of emotional harm to the victim

The Emotional Toll of Manipulation

In Chapter 10 you had a chance to evaluate the likelihoodthat you are participating as a victim in a manipulative rela-tionship If your score is in the danger zone you are verylikely experiencing the negative emotional impact of manip-ulation

The Impact of Manipulation

157


Being manipulated means that you are ceding control overyour own feelings actions and even thoughts to someone elseAlthough a manipulative relationship may begin with and evenexplicitly recognize a big gain as its goal or purpose the posi-tive character of the control almost invariably shifts to a coer-cive or negative basis over time Once manipulation takes holdthe lever of control is more closely related to the fear or threatof losing the promised gain or to the threat or fear of anotherdreaded or undesirable loss or other negative consequence

Recall from Chapter 9 on the mechanics of manipulationthat negative reinforcementmdashalso known as aversive condi-tioningmdashwhile very effective in controlling behavior does notproduce a happy or well-adjusted subject Negative rein-forcement punishment and traumatic one-trial learning arefor the most part fundamentally coercive in nature And fewpeople enjoy being coerced into much of anything

If the manipulation includes unpredictable or randomizedpartial reinforcementmdashyou are never quite sure when areward or a cessation of a negative experience (negative rein-forcement) is going to happenmdashthe very strong and unpleas-ant component of anxiety is added to the victimrsquos experienceThe lack of predictability creates high uncertainty that inturn produces anxiety

Thus manipulation is both coercive and anxiety-produc-ing And it is highly frustrating which in turn creates hos-tility and anger These are toxic feelings that begin to take asubstantial emotional toll on the victim

However there are other signs and symptoms that victimsof manipulative relationships develop Characteristically victimsfrequently feel responsible for causing these negative feelings andreactions in themselves The self-blame becomes a major featureof victim status


158


A closer look at the way manipulation operates thoughwill help you to understand that the negative feelings areunderstandable and largely even inevitable reactions to thestress and frustration caused by the manipulation

Letrsquos take a look at some other common emotional reac-tions to being victimized by manipulation

Confusion About the Manipulatorrsquos True Motives

The confusion that develops in the victim about the manipu-latorrsquos motives is often an integral part of the manipulativecontrol Recall that the endgame for the manipulator is toadvance her own self-interests and goals with little or noregard for those of other people However a skilled and clevermanipulator will disguise her actual motives often with dis-arming and effective reassurances such as ldquoYou know I onlywant you to be happyrdquo or ldquoI have only your best interests atheartrdquo or ldquoI am on your sidemdashIrsquom trying to help you outrdquo

The victimrsquos confusion is magnified many times over when the manipulation occurs in the context of a familymaritalromantic relationship In such relationships thereis a general expectation that love and altruism will prevailover the self-centered goals of manipulation You may notexpect those who say they love you to manipulate andexploit you so you are likely to use the defense mechanismof denial to protect yourself from painfulmdashalthough ulti-mately necessarymdashrealizations But some of the mostpainful experiences of manipulative relationships that Ihave seen have in fact occurred in families

Sometimes the victimrsquos confusion lies with the manipula-torrsquos carefully disguised motives Other times the victimrsquos owndenial and fear keep him from recognizing the manipulative


159


methods being used to control him In such cases the victimis often deeply entrenched and enmeshed in a sustainedmanipulative pattern before he becomes fully aware of thenegative toll the manipulation is taking on his emotional andoften even physical health

For example in family or marital relationships the expec-tation or assumption of love can fog an accurate perceptionof the manipulation that really exists ldquoI know that my hus-band really loves merdquo a depressed wife who had been vic-timized by emotional abuse and manipulation for years oncetold me in a therapy session ldquoBut I am just a constant dis-appointment to himrdquo

Such a victim also illustrates the erosive effects of manip-ulation on self-esteem Frequently as in this case these erosiveeffects can cause the victim to internalize the blame and to seeherself as the main reason that the relationship is problematicWhen working with patients in this category helping torebuild their shattered self-esteem is usually a top treatmentprioritymdasheven before helping them deal with the manipula-tors in their lives

Confusion about what the manipulator ldquoreally meansrdquo orldquotruly wantsrdquo is the inevitable result of maintaining the silentcontract to keep the manipulative agenda hidden or obscuredWhen direct communicationmdashespecially about the power andcontrol dynamics of the relationshipmdashis avoided the most effec-tive tactic for clarification and for ending or reducing confusionis crippled

Confusion is also prevalent in relationships where the formalpower structure is reversed by the manipulation For exampleparents often do not recognize that their child is manipulatingthem or a supervisor or boss may be slow to realize that a sub-ordinate actually has taken over the reins of control


160


To the extent that the manipulator uses randomized orpartial reinforcement as a means of control confusion stressand anxiety are increased by the uncertainty and unpre-dictability inherent in the reinforcement schedule

Finally it is imperative to remember that manipulators aregenerally quite capable of lying If it serves his or her purposesa manipulator may well seek to disguise his or her motives sim-ply by lying about them

Frustration and Dissatisfactionwith the Relationship

As the vice of manipulation tightens the victim typically feelsincreasingly frustrated and dissatisfied with the way the rela-tionship makes her feel Victims often report feeling unableto make a manipulator happy no matter how hard they try

Of course since the manipulative relationship by defini-tion serves the needs of the manipulator the victim willbecome increasingly frustrated and dissatisfied over time asthe volume of her unmet needs grows When needs are notmet they become more exaggerated and pressingmdashnot less

Victims who try to change the relationship but remainunsuccessful in doing so are understandably frustrated If thevictim connects her self-worth to the manipulatorrsquos willing-ness or unwillingness to change erosion of self-esteem is theoutcome ldquoIf he really loves and values me hersquoll changerdquo andldquoIf I show her how good I am at this job she will treat medifferentlyrdquo are examples of familiar refrains that many of mypatients have played for me over the years

Psychologically frustration leads to hostility and aggressionjust as surely as night follows day Even though the victim maysuppress the mounting anger fearing negative consequences if


161


she were to risk direct expression to the manipulator the toxicemotional and physical consequences of heightened hostilitylevels still take their toll Research has long shown that sus-tained andor frequent hostility has damaging effects on car-diovascular health raising the triple threat of stroke heartattack and arteriosclerosis (ie blockage and hardening ofarteries)

Sense of Imbalanced Power and Control

While victims often express confusion about the motives ormethods of manipulators they tend to be well aware thatthere is a significant discrepancy asymmetry or imbalance inthe power and control dynamics of the relationship Theygenerally can acknowledge that the other personmdashthemanipulatormdashholds the reins of control in the relationshipEven my patients who have trouble at first acknowledgingthis know intuitively that something in the relationship isout of whackmdashor more accurately out of balance

Victims also perceive that the manipulatorrsquos needs domi-nate the relationship while their own remain largely unex-pressed unacknowledged and consequently unmet

The victimrsquos sense of the imbalance of power and controlin the relationship reflects the reality of manipulation It isimportant to note that many of the buttons that make victimsvulnerable to manipulation in the first place also help to estab-lish and reinforce both the perception and the reality of themanipulatorrsquos dominant control

For example people-pleasers and those with a near addic-tion to approval from others are predisposed to put the needsof others first Victims with an external locus of control andthose who are reluctant to rely on their own independent


162


judgment are psychologically predisposed to perceive andeven to create relationships in which others exercise far morepower over them than the other way around In effect theybecome willing accomplices in their own manipulation

Whether the victim knowingly or more likely inadver-tently colludes with his own domination by the manipulatorthe negative emotional impact is essentially the same In addi-tion to the confusion frustration hostility and dissatisfactionjust described victims also report feeling exploited misun-derstood demeaned or taken for granted They also expressfeeling controlled andor out or control Eventually victimsfeel depressed demoralized stressed worried and anxious

Diminished Self-Reliance and Lowered Self-Esteem

Manipulative relationships serve the ego demands of themanipulator and chip away at the self-esteem of the victimAs the manipulation continues the insidious unraveling of thevictimrsquos healthy self-reliance picks up speed

The more the victim succumbs to the control of themanipulator the less he will be able to perceive himself as anautonomous independent and self-reliant adult Conse-quently both the victimrsquos self-respect and confidence dimin-ish as manipulation persists

Despite the fact that the victimrsquos needs remain in the deepback seat of the relationship he will at the same time becomeincreasingly dependent on the manipulator or on the rela-tionship and what it represents (eg his job or career thefamily the commitment to the relationship itself)

The victimrsquos diminished self-respect enhanced depen-dency and growing sense of helplessness and loss of control


163


combine to form a dangerous formula for the development ofclinical depression

Resentment and Anger Toward the Manipulator

As political history has amply demonstrated people who aremanipulated controlled and exploitedmdashespecially by coer-cive dictators unwilling to spread or share powermdasheventuallyrise up in anger and rebellion However long before thatanger is expressed openly in battle or protest it goes under-ground where it feeds the passion and plans of resistance andrevolutionary fighters

The analogy to interpersonal manipulation exploitationcontrol and curtailment of freedom and independence is aptWhen your personal freedom and autonomy are abridged bya manipulatorrsquos tight control frustration ensues and the twinfuses of anger and aggression are ignited

However just as resistance fighters initially operate as anorganized underground the victimrsquos anger may well be con-tained in the emotional underground as well Said anotherway the victim may be suppressing the anger that the manip-ulation is creating rather than violating the silent contractandor risking a confrontation or negative reaction from themanipulator

There are serious risks to allowing another person to cre-ate high levels of stress for you Dr Hans Selye the father ofmodern stress theory in medicine advised that the greatestdanger from stress was from that caused by another personIn fact Selye strongly cautioned that you should cut suchstress-producing individuals out of your life

At the core of the harmful stress reaction that manipulatorscause is the fomenting anger that often has no direct outlet of


164


expression at least not toward the person who seems to be thecause of the frustration and hostility Lacking such an outlet fordirect expression the victim is likely to redirect the stress inways that may have further harmful consequences

For example one of my patients redirected her anger backonto herself which produced feelings of self-blame guilt anddepression Another patient channeled his anger into a dan-gerous level of physiologic arousal thereby putting himself atgreater risk for a host of physical illnesses and problems Inyour case you may be exacting a toll on your other relation-shipsmdashoutside your relationship with the manipulatormdashbytransporting and displacing the suppressed anger into irritabil-ity impatience excessive criticism or other signs of ill-temper

Entrapment and Victimization

As we have seen manipulative relationships create stress fortheir victims for many reasons Whatever the cause the neteffect of living with high damaging levels of stress is that itfeeds a vicious self-perpetuating cycle

Because it is coercive often unpredictable and inevitablyfrustrating manipulation creates stress that is underscored byanxiety andor depression The stress has predictable distort-ing effects on the victimrsquos perception thought and judgmentSpecifically stress closes off the victimrsquos ability to see alter-natives to perceive avenues of exit or even to try effectivechallenges to the status quo The victim may see only twocourses of action Either I do what he wants or I face intol-erable devastating consequences

The victim feels trappedmdashensnared in a pattern of manip-ulationmdashand cannot envision a viable way out In fact thevictim only perceives that she is trapped in the manipulative


165


relationship because her own negative thinking traps her Neg-ative thinking distorts and magnifies the downside of pro-jected outcomes or consequences often into full-blowncatastrophes

Further the victim gets trapped in a self-image of victim-ization This means something more than that a victim feelslike a victim Victimization is a harmful pattern of thinkingand behaving characteristic of people whose victim status hasbeen fully incorporated into their self-concepts And it repre-sents the damaging effects on your emotional functioning ofseeing yourself as a victim

The psychological profile of victimization includes a per-vasive sense of helplessness passivity and loss of control pes-simism and negative thinking and strong feelings of guiltshame self-blame and depression This way of thinking canlead to hopelessness despair and even giving up on the pos-sibility of making things better or different in the future

In short manipulation is harmful to your emotionalhealth because it creates and perpetuates your feelings andself-perception as a victim The more victimized you feel theless capable you will feel to free yourself from the toxic pat-tern And the longer you collude with manipulation by com-plying with the manipulatorrsquos requests or demands the deeperyour sense of entrapment in the manipulatorrsquos web of control

There is still another way in which manipulation insidi-ously operates to perpetuate itself Remember the seven emo-tional buttons that make you vulnerable to manipulation thatyou learned about in Chapters 2 and 3 Briefly they include

1 People-pleasing habits and mind-sets2 Approval addiction


166


3 Fear and avoidance of anger conflict and con-frontation

4 Lack of assertiveness and an inability to say no5 The vanishing self blurry identity and unclear per-

sonal boundaries6 Low self-reliance7 External locus of controlmdasha personrsquos belief that the

main cause of things that happen to him or her is morein the control of other people or of other outside fac-tors (eg luck) than under his or her own control

These particular needs and personality styles set you up asa mark or natural target for manipulators And as you haveprobably realized these buttons can develop as the consequenceof participating as a victim in a manipulative relationship

What this means is clear When you persist as the victimof a manipulative relationship you become diminished emo-tionally in ways that make you even more vulnerable to thisand to other manipulative relationships now and in the future

Breaking Free from Manipulation Trust Yourself

As a victim you probably already have the painful knowledgethat manipulation has weakened your autonomy sensitizedyour fears and skewed your thinking negatively To begin theprocess of reclaiming control over your own life and break-ing out of manipulative patterns you will need to rely on theone person that the manipulator has trained you not totrustmdashyourself

This takes commitment and determination As long as youstruggle to please the manipulator gain his approval and


167


avoid anger and confrontation at almost any cost your self-reliance will remain impaired This is exactly what the manip-ulator wants If you distrust yourself you are far more likelyto remain under the manipulatorrsquos thumb while he pulls allyour strings The manipulator wants you to be weak anddependent More than anything the manipulator intends foryou to continue doing what he wants

However by reading this book you are connecting with avery different selfmdashthe self that wants to reverse or change theharmful collusion of manipulation and regain your self-respecthealthy autonomy and self-esteem And you want to get rid ofthe negative emotionsmdashstress anxiety and depressionmdashthatyour victimization has induced and perpetuated

How do you begin to trust yourself after feeling so unem-powered for so long Trust is very often a leap of faith Youneed to make that leap and decide to trust yourself becauseyou are the main change agent in your life

As long as the manipulation is effectivemdashand you controlwhether or not to reinforce the manipulatorrsquos strategy byeither complying or resistingmdashthe manipulator has no motiveneed or desire to rock the boat and change the way your rela-tionship works But you do

You now know that by not changing yourself you willonly tighten the vice of the manipulatorrsquos control You alsowill open the door wide and invite even more manipulatorsinto your life And you realize the negative impact on youremotional and physical health as well as the collateral damageto other relationships from the stress you are enduring now

What you do not yet know is how to change yourselfRest assured that you will learn what you need to do to breakfree of manipulation in the remainder of this book From this


168


point forward think of yourself as a former victimmdashas a per-son who used to get manipulated

Starting now you are in training to become an effectiveresistance fighter against the manipulators in your life Youare fighting for nothing less than your personal freedom youremotional and physical health and your self-respect andintegrity

Take the leap Then turn the page


169



Resistance Tactics

Manipulators can invade your per-sonal territory in virtually any inter-personal realm If you are (or ever

have been) the target of a manipulator you know frompainful personal experience that capitulation and compliancewith the manipulatorrsquos control will only strengthen the emo-tional stranglehold in which you are caught

Once the dynamic of manipulation is in motion it willgain force every time you give in or yield to the manipulatorrsquoswill Left unchallenged the manipulator will overcome andsubjugate your freedom your autonomy your integrity andeven your self-esteem

The insidious nature of manipulation creates feelings ofhelplessness loss of control and dependency in the targetYou must isolate and label these self-defeating emotions asprecisely thatmdashfeelings not facts

The fact is that you are not without power in this rela-tionship even if you are the marked target The resistance tac-tics you are about to learn will disrupt derail and ultimatelyeven destroy the manipulatorrsquos ability to control you Theseproven tactics will afford you the means and methods of yourcountercontrol over the manipulator

171

12



Do not worry about how to directly change the manip-ulator this is not within your realm of control It is also acommon mistake made by people who are tired of themanipulation trap Save your strength it will not work Justfocus on changing yourself This is something that is wellwithin your powers Always keep in mind that manipula-tion is used because it works It follows then that the mostpotent way to thwart a manipulator is to change yourresponses so that the manipulatorrsquos tactics are no longereffective

Your power lies in your ability to resist the pressure andto foil the finesse of the manipulatorrsquos aims and purposes Itis time to end your collusion with manipulation

To Resist or Leave That Is the Question

If you are caught in a web of interpersonal manipulation yourimmediate goal is to stop participating as a compliant victimwho yields to pressure and capitulates to insidious coerciveor unfair tactics of control There are two approaches to thisgoal (1) resistance andor (2) extraction (leaving the relation-ship altogether) In a turn of the tables both approaches com-prise the countercontrol that you will now exercise over themanipulator

Resistance

Resistance tactics work much like metaphorical molassesmdashwhenpoured on will slow down gum up and otherwise cause themechanism of manipulation to malfunction and ultimately tostop altogether In the immediate face of effective resistancemanipulators may first attempt to raise the ante by tightening thestrings of manipulation However when you do not succumb to


172


the increased pressuremdashwhich you will learn to resistmdashthemanipulator is left with only two workable alternatives He orshe can adapt to the changes you have made by developinghealthier more respectful and more balanced forms of interac-tion and influence at least with you andor he or she simply maytire of the resistance and choose instead to manipulate anothervulnerable target whose capitulation and control are far less dif-ficult to achieve

When you resist manipulative pressure successfully yourecalibrate the power balance in the relationship You mustrealize that this shift in the power equation inevitably willalter the relationship and the behavior of both partiesinvolved Do not be afraid of this change

Since you will initiate the changes and will hold yourground the manipulator can choose either to adapt to yourlead or else remain stuck in a strategy that no longer worksat least as far as the relationship with you is concerned Youmust keep your eye on the prize By remaining clearly ldquoon mes-sagerdquomdashthat the old manipulative methods will no longer effec-tively work to control youmdashyou can reclaim your freedomautonomy self-respect integrity and self-esteem This isabsolutely a battle worth fighting and winning

Realize however that this may be a scary and emotionaltime for both of you Even if your resistance tactics succeedin producing a new repertoire of healthier nonmanipulativeresponses from the other person there likely will be a rockyadjustment period When the fundamental dynamic of anyrelationship undergoes changemdasheven if the change is verymuch for the better as in this casemdashthe adjustment periodcan be somewhat difficult Take comfort in the fact that thedifficulty eventually will yield to a far healthier and balancedinterdependence

Resistance Tactics

173


Realistically there are limitations to the use of resistanceWhat if the resistance tactics do not produce adaptive changesin the manipulatorrsquos behavior toward you Some manipula-tive relationships are too ingrained too unhealthy and eventoo abusive to correct And many manipulative personalitiesmdashparticularly those that comprise full-blown personality disor-ders as discussed previouslymdashsimply do not and will notchange

For such individuals manipulation of others is theirmodus operandimdashtheir immutable way of functioning Whenyou proclaim your independence from manipulation by effec-tively resisting coercion and pressure the manipulatorrsquosresponse simply may be to change partners and continuedancing If you will not play the game the manipulator willfind a more vulnerable target who will

Remember manipulators use manipulation because itworks Stop helping them

Extraction

After some deliberation you may be the one to decide thatthe best and healthiest thing for you to do is to disconnectfrom the relationship altogether The emotional damage doneby the manipulation may be well beyond the point of repairRecalibrated or not the relationship may not be sufficientlyvaluable or beneficial to warrant the effort of a resistancestruggle

In such cases extraction or removing yourself from therelationship altogether is the ultimate resistance Severing arelationshipmdasheven one that is unhealthymdashmay involve sad-ness and other painful emotions However when the terms ofa relationship demand that you maintain your status as acompliant victim of manipulation the pain of ending it is sig-


174


nificantly reduced Clearly a relationship that requires you tocompromise your self-esteem freedom and integrity is not inline with your self-interests Whatever the ostensible bondmdashfamily friend boss lovermdashyour continued participation in arelationship that mandates manipulation and compliance issimply not good for you

There are worse consequences than leaving or losing arelationship altogether Certainly losing yourself in the fog ofmanipulationmdashlosing sight of who you are and what youvalue need and believemdashwould be a truly dire outcomeRemaining a victim of manipulation diminishing your self-respect or integrity and losing your self-esteem are far toohigh a price to pay for holding onto the elusive or illusorysecurity that such a relationship may represent

Finallymdashand this is importantmdashif your unwillingness tobe manipulated costs you a relationship what did you reallyhave in the first place

Small-Scale Efforts

If the manipulative relationshipmdashor the manipulatormdashwillnot adapt to the healthy changes in your behavior or if it sim-ply is not worth preserving extraction may well be the bestmethod for ending your role in the manipulation

There are some manipulative relationships though wherethe limitations of your countercontrol are imposed by cir-cumstances In certain instances for example such as thoseinvolving close relatives where blood ties are strong and com-plicated or work relationships where your livelihood andlong-term career options are at stake extraction simply maynot be feasible at least not in the near term

When leaving is not an option and dramatic personalitychange on the part of the manipulator just is not in the cards

Resistance Tactics

175


you may need to focus your resistance on small-scale effortsIn such circumstances your autonomy and self-esteem will beregained incrementally measured in small steps quiet or evensilent protests and minor victories Since extraction fromthese particular relationships may not be possible or ulti-mately desirable your full freedom from the manipulativerelationship may have to be postponed deferred or evenredefined But do it on your terms

One of my patients was in a vicious manipulative rela-tionship with her mother All attempts by my patient to talkto and reason with her mother had failed My patient was agrown woman with three children yet her mother neverstopped treatingmdashand manipulatingmdashher like the child shehad not been for more than 30 years In this case completeextraction was not an option However by learning andimplementing key resistance tactics my patient was able toredefine the relationship so that the manipulationmdashwhile stillattemptedmdashfell flat most of the time Using the resistancetechniques that I am about to teach you my patient was ableto deflect many of the attempts at manipulation in a way thatrendered it essentially impotent The mother still tried tomanipulate her daughtermdashand sometimes her daughter choseto complymdashbut each attempt became a bit harder for themother than the time before Soon the frequency of themanipulative attempts eased up although they never stoppedcompletely But my patient had redefined the relationshipmdashand the manipulationmdashin a way that she could live with

Seven Key Steps to Resist Manipulation

Now it is time to learn the tactics of resistance so that yourcountercontrol can begin You will be altering your behavior


176


first even before you work on changing your thinking andultimately changing the negative feelings that propel youtoward capitulation thereby fueling and refueling the manip-ulation cycle

As you will see the steps are cumulative in the sense thatthey build on one another The more steps you use to coun-tercontrol the manipulator the more potent your resistancewill be But each step has a kind of potency of its own andputting even one resistance action into motion will increaseyour sense of control and reduce your feelings of victimiza-tion and helplessness Remember when you take steps tomake the manipulation less effective or ineffective altogetheryou will exert your own pressure back on the manipulator tochange his or her tactics andor to find another target tomanipulate instead of you Either way you wind up health-ier and happier

Some of the steps may not be appropriate to your specificrelationship or circumstances This is for you to determineThe important point is that you now have viable optionsmdashthings that you can do instead of meekly giving in and rein-forcing the toxic pattern of manipulation

Step 1 Playing for Time

Manipulators exert pressure through various means to forceyou into compliance with what they want you to do Theymay use active means to apply compliance pressure such asbecoming angry yelling name-calling door slamming andother bullying tactics or they may choose passive meanssuch as sulking pouting crying the silent treatment ignor-ing or other quieter ways to exert pressure

Until now you may have learned to comply with a requestquicklymdasheven immediatelymdashthereby short-circuiting the

Resistance Tactics

177


manipulatorrsquos pressure tactics altogether Or if the manipula-tor uses pressure tactics you probably have capitulatedbecause such tactics create pain andor discomfort for youand you have learned through negative reinforcement that theimmediate pain will cease (the yelling will stop the silenttreatment will yield) when you give in and do the manipula-torrsquos bidding

The problem is that when you do so not only is yourcompliance behavior reinforced but the manipulatorrsquos pres-sure tactics are also reinforced because you give in to what hewants you to do This situation creates a substantial powerimbalance tilted in the favor of the manipulator

The first step of resistance is to break that pattern and inso doing to recalibrate the power balance of the relationshipYou will do this by inserting a period of time between themanipulatorrsquos request or demand and your response Onceyou learn to build in time to think about your options yoursense of control will increase immediately When you canmake the manipulator live by your timetable instead of hisyou take back power

Since you may be in the bad habit of automatically com-plying or agreeing to your manipulatorrsquos requests ordemandsmdashagreeing or saying a fast knee-jerk yes before youhave given yourself any time to think about themmdashyou willneed to break this habit The best way is to take an imme-diate breather after the manipulator expresses her request

Telephones lend themselves easily to the insertion of abreather If you are speaking on the telephone and a manip-ulator (or a potential manipulator) asks you to do somethingor go someplace your immediate response should be some-thing such as


178


bull ldquoI need to put you on hold for a minute or so Excusemethank yourdquo

bull ldquoI have to ask you to hold the line for a minute Thanksrdquobull ldquoI need to put the phone down for a minute Excuse merdquobull ldquoIrsquom going to have to call you back in a few minutes

Thank yourdquo

Notice that you are not asking permission Instead youare informing the manipulator that you will be taking aminute away from the telephone This breather allows youto prepare your next statement which is a play for time (seebelow)

Face-to-face situations require a bit more finesse but theywill still permit you to take a breather in order to break theautomatic compliance habit Excusing yourself from the sceneof the interaction for a few minutes is all you will need tointerrupt the tendency to immediately say yes or agree tosomething you would rather avoid Leaving the scene if onlyfor a few minutes is the live equivalent of putting a telephonecaller on hold

After the request has been made but before you replyexcuse yourself for a few minutes to use the bathroom makean urgent phone call get something from your car or officeget some coffee or water or any other reason you can thinkof to leave the manipulator alone with her request or demandfor a few minutes

Whether you put the caller on hold or leave the scene ofa face-to-face request or demand your purpose is to take thebreathing time to do just that Breathe deeply through yournose and exhale through your mouth for a count of 20 Donot breathe quickly or you may start to hyperventilate Your

Resistance Tactics

179


goal is to calm yourself down and to focus on your nextmove which is to play for time

Here are some sample phrases that will stall the manipu-latorrsquos request or demand

bull ldquoI need some time to think about what you are saying Irsquollget back to you just as soon as I canrdquo

bull ldquoThis issue deserves some real consideration so Irsquoll need abit of time to think it over and Irsquoll let you know as soonas I canrdquo

bull ldquoI canrsquot give you an answer right now I will certainly thinkit over and Irsquoll get back to you as soon as possiblerdquo

bull ldquoIrsquom not in a position right now to answer that but I willget back to you when I amrdquo

bull ldquoThis is an important issue and I will need some time togive it the thought it deserves Then of course Irsquoll get backto yourdquo

You should write down each of these phrases and makeat least two copiesmdashone to keep by your telephone and oneto keep in your wallet In this way the phrases will be avail-able for your review during the short breather period

You may use one or more of the phrases listed or you mayadd more of your own design to the list The key componentis that you are telling the manipulator that you are not com-plying on his timetable Also you are not asking permissionWhile it may be more polite to ask doing so will cede powerand control back to the manipulator Your purpose is to resetthe power balance so that it is more equalized

It is important that you become comfortable and facile atdelivering these phrases You should practice the phrases out


180


loud in front of a mirror Before you begin practicing focusfor several seconds on this thought ldquoI have every right tothink before I commit myself to doing anything for anybodyrdquo

Smile pleasantly as you say each phrase this will help youto keep your tone pleasant but still assertive Say each phraseat least five times repeat the exercise three times a day untilyou are sure that you sound firm direct and sure of yourselfas you play for time Remember that you are not asking fortime you are informing the other person that you will be tak-ing some time to reflect before you respond Take care not toraise your vocal inflection at the end of the declarative sen-tence as though you were asking a question

After you have practiced all the phrases select at least twothat you feel are most appropriate Commit them to memoryContinue to rehearse them out loud in front of a mirror or ifpossible with a supportive friend or a therapist The moreyou rehearse the less difficult the phrases will be to actuallysay to the manipulator

Do not expect to be perfectly calm and self-assured whenyou first play for time with the real manipulator Realisticallyyou will very likely feel anxious maybe even fearful Just letthe feelings be there and say the phrases anyway Focus ondoing the resistance behavior by saying your selected phrase

At this point do not worry about how you feel inside Itis normal for you to feel uncomfortable because you are alter-ing ingrained patterns with someone who is a big source ofdifficulty and stress in your life Most important do not letyour feelings drive your actions This is what you have beendoing all alongmdashcomplying with the manipulatorrsquos demandsbecause the intimidation fear pressure and other manipula-tive tactics have been unpleasant

Resistance Tactics

181


You now know that whatever respite the manipulatorgives you when you comply is short-lived at best Soon he orshe will be creating the familiar discomfort in order to manip-ulate you into compliance with yet another request ordemand

Only you can break the vicious cycle You must determineto sever the negative reinforcement link by changing yourbehavior from compliance to resistance As you will soonlearn there are other more effective and long-lasting ways tochange your negative feelings without succumbing to themanipulative pressure

Take comfort in the fact that your feelings will change asyour behavior changes But you must do the behavior firstand your mind will follow As you continue to resist themanipulation your negative feelings eventually will transforminto pleasant even exhilarating feelings of relief empower-ment and most of all freedom

Step 2 The Broken Record

Naturally you can expect the manipulator to object to yourplay for time After all you are dealing with a master of pres-sure and coercion However since you control the objectionor challenge you will be prepared to deal with it withoutexplaining yourself and without giving in

It is critical that you do not become engaged in a conver-sation with the manipulator about why you need time whatyou are going to think over or when exactly you will be readyto respond and do what the manipulator wants If you getpulled into this morass you will lose control

The manipulator will raise objections precisely becauseshe expects to talk you out of your position and push you into


182


your characteristic compliance but you are now too smartto fall for this ploy However you will need some kind of aresponse because the manipulator is likely to turn up the heatand start using pressure tactics to gain your compliance

The response technique you will use is called ldquothe brokenrecordrdquo This is a simple but powerful method for standingyour ground There are two components to the brokenrecord

1 Acknowledge that you hear and understand themanipulator by accurately labeling the emotion orfeeling that is being expressed

2 Repeat your play-for-time phrase just like a brokenrecord

This is it You will notmdashand should notmdashenter into anexplanation question-and-answer session or discussion ofany content of what the manipulator is saying Remember ifyou start talking too much you will lose control Resistanceis the name of the gamemdashnot debating or arguing your posi-tion however in the right you feel

But you should keep foremost in your mind that you areabsolutely in the right to state that you want to think beforeyou act The manipulator may have been pulling yourstrings for a long time but you are not a puppet You are aself-determining human being and you have now decidedto cut the strings

Here is how the broken record sounds The following scriptis actually from one of my patients who used it successfullywith a close friend who was constantly manipulating her intorunning charity events at her daughterrsquos school It shows you

Resistance Tactics

183


how to put the two components together to fend off success-fully the pressure to comply

Manipulator ldquoYoursquore so good at organization that Irsquovedecided to let you plan the entire partyrdquo

Target (my patient) ldquoI need to put you on hold for amoment Excuse merdquo [Takes a breather and quicklyrehearses the play for time]

Target [Returning to the call] ldquoThanks for holding Youknow I need some time to think about this Irsquoll getback to you as soon as I canrdquo

Manipulator [Sounding incredulous] ldquoThink aboutwhat Are you telling me that you might not do thepartyrdquo

Target ldquoI understand that you feel surprised [acknowl-edges the manipulatorrsquos expressed emotion] but I needto think about this and Irsquoll get back to yourdquo

Manipulator ldquoWell I canrsquot wait very long In fact thereisnrsquot much time as it is which is why I need you to dothe planning I really need an answer nowrdquo [soundingexasperated]

Target ldquoI understand that you are anxious but I needtime to think about it Irsquoll get back to you just as soonas I canrdquo

Manipulator [Angry now raises voice] ldquoYoursquore beingcompletely unreasonable as usual I really need yourhelp and you are leaving me out here in the coldWhatrsquos your problem What do you need to thinkabout I want to knowrdquo

Target [Takes a deep breath to calm down] ldquoI under-stand that yoursquore frustrated but Irsquoll have to get backto you about this laterrdquo


184


Manipulator [Yelling now] ldquoAre you just going to keepsaying the same stupid thingrdquo

Target ldquoI understand that yoursquore angry but I do needtime to think about thisrdquo

Manipulator [Tight-lipped] ldquoFine Why donrsquot you do justthat Think about it and get back to me with youranswer that you are going to do this party Therersquos nopoint in talking anymore Good-byerdquo

Target ldquoGood-byerdquo

The broken record will work with even a determinedmanipulator as it did in this case At the end of the preced-ing conversation observe that the targetmdashmy patientmdashdoesnot give in to her impulse to apologize for making the manip-ulator angry Nor does she rise to the bait of any of themanipulatorrsquos questions She merely follows the formula offirst identifying as accurately as possible the emotion or feel-ing the manipulator is expressing (ldquoI understand you feel[emotion]rdquo) then she repeats the play-for-time phrase just likea broken record

The best way to prepare for using the broken record is torun through some practice scripts that you write You willfind that writing scripts that are true to form for the manip-ulator in your life will greatly aid your preparation andincrease your sense of control By predicting what the manip-ulator is likely to saymdashwhich you can because you have dealtmany times with his or her tacticsmdashyou will be armed andready with your broken-record responses

Try to enlist the help of a supportive friend family mem-ber or therapist who will role-play with you You can use thescripts you have written and you can improvise with yourrole-playing partner Ask the person who plays the part of the

Resistance Tactics

185


manipulator to really push you to capitulate The more prac-tice you have using the broken record to resist manipulativepressure the better prepared you will be for the real thing

As you practice ask for feedback from your role-playingpartner on your posture eye contact voice stability volumeand tone and overall appearance Work on developing adelivery style that conveys an impression of containedstrength and confidence Again do not worry about how youfeel inside your goal now is to refine your behavioral pre-sentation so that you can act as if you are self-assured andfocused on achieving your resistance goals

Practicing rehearsing and role-playing the resistance tac-tics have yet another benefit By exposing yourself to practicesituations you inoculate yourself to the stress that the realinteraction with the manipulator likely will produce And themore realistic the practice scenario is the greater is the inoc-ulation and stress-reducing effect

However you should not expect to eliminate the stressentirely To do so not only would be unrealistic but also actu-ally would be counterproductive Your practice conversationswill help you to cope far better with the stress that does occurwhen you are talking to the manipulator directly In fact psy-chological research shows that performance actually isenhanced when stress levels are contained at moderate levelsmdashas opposed to too high or too low

Ideally then the practice experience should help to keepyou ldquopumped uprdquo sufficiently to be energized and motivatedAt the same time the inoculation effect should help to pre-vent your stress levels from skyrocketing and disrupting yourability to think or speak effectively With practice you willbecome better able to gauge where the boundaries of the opti-mal moderate range are for you


186


Step 3 Desensitizing Anxiety Fear and Guilt

To resist manipulation effectively you must learn to toleratesome pretty uncomfortable feelings Until now the fuse onyour negative emotions has been far too short As a conse-quence when the manipulator lights your fuse by making youfeel anxious fearful or guilty it burns down very quicklymdashsometimes nearly immediatelymdashand triggers the capitulationand compliance that fuels the manipulation cycle

The desensitization technique you are about to learn willhelp you to withstand the negative feelings without resortingto your old habits of giving in to the manipulatorrsquos demands

First letrsquos define our terms Anxiety is the experience of fearwithout an object What this means is that anxiety is a ratherabstract and generalized variant of fear Unlike fear anxiety isnot directed at or connected to a specific outcome or conse-quence When you feel anxious you may worry about manydifferent things Often one worry trips off another and thenanother building to a cascade of anxious thoughts Anxietymakes you feel subjectively nervous pressured and unfocused

A manipulator may trigger your anxiety by pushing yourinsecurity button or triggering your self-doubts Anxiety lev-els are raised by uncertainty Manipulators do this by makingvague and ambiguous references to something negative thatmay (or may not) happen in the future And anxiety can beramped up by negative feedback or criticism that injures yourself-esteem or by subtle yet invidious comparisons betweenyou and someone else that the manipulator seems to prefer

Fear though is connected to a specific outcome or con-sequence Manipulators intimidate their targets into submis-sion by arousing fear Some of the typical fears that amanipulatorrsquos tactics arouse include

Resistance Tactics

187


bull Fear of disapprovalbull Fear of abandonmentbull Fear of angerbull Fear of conflict and confrontationbull Fear of change or making a mistakebull Fear of rejectionbull Fear of isolation

Both fear and anxiety are easily conditioned This meansthat after you have been exposed to these negative feelings asa result of the manipulatorrsquos effective tactics you may developfear andor anxiety reactions just to being in the presence ofthe manipulator even when he is not explicitly activating thesefeelings

Guilt is a uniquely human emotion It is the result of feel-ing excessively responsible for the emotions andor experi-ences of others If you are vulnerable or have a well-pulledguilt string a skilled manipulator can send you on a rocket-propelled guilt trip headed for a destination of capitulationand compliance

A manipulator may display emotionality to show you howunhappy she is and to make you feel responsible for creatingthe distress The manipulator may cry sulk pout or play thevictim or martyr She may complain of stress-related physicalpains and problems for which you are somehow responsiblebecause you have done somethingmdashor failed to do some-thingmdashthat has caused the manipulator to become emotion-ally upset Guilt can even be induced with a certain facialexpression (eg looking hurt or wounded) or with a vocaltone or inflection

If you are a people-pleaser you may well feel guilty whenyou even think about saying no to a request from another per-


188


son Once a manipulator hones in on your emotional hot but-ton he needs to do very little to control you with guilt Themanipulator does not have to do the work you do it all forhim

The manipulator(s) in your life may use one two or allthree negative emotions to intimidate coerce and controlyou Regardless of whether anxiety fear or guilt is usedyour reaction to your own discomfort is flawed Simply putwhen you detect the negative feelings you label the experi-ence as intolerable as something that you cannot stand orbear and therefore as something that must be eliminated orat least curtailed as soon as possible

When you feel anxiety fear or guilt your response mech-anism is propelled into an emergency mode as though a three-alarm fire were raging uncontrolled The manipulator merelyhands you the fire hose and points you in the direction ofcapitulation and compliance with her desires The urgencyyou feel however results from the manipulatorrsquos pressure andfrom your overreaction to the discomfort that you feel It doesnot come from the reality that a true state of emergency exists

To resist manipulation you need to alter your reaction toyour own negative feelings The fact is that the anxiety fearand guilt manipulators so effectively play on will not causeyou to self-destruct if you fail to quash them immediatelyThey certainly will cause you discomfort But discomfort canbe tolerated and withstood In fact the longer you allow your-self to stay exposed to the uncomfortable feelings the morelikely it becomes that your discomfort actually will decline inintensity Psychologists call this phenomenon habituation

However in order for your fear anxiety or guilt to habit-uatemdashthat is to decrease in intensitymdashyou must overcomethe impulse to jump through the white door in order to gain

Resistance Tactics

189


temporary relief Remember each time you react to your feel-ings of fear anxiety or guilt by acquiescing to the manipula-torrsquos demands you fuel the manipulative cycle

As you train yourself to withstand the discomfort so thatyou can make the positive healthy changes in your behavioryour tolerance will increase Instead of panicking or overre-acting to the negative feelings the manipulator creates rela-bel the discomfort you feel as a necessary and worthwhileprice to pay to make constructive changes in your life

There is another reason to change your panicky urgentreactions to negative feelings Urgency can produce a think-ing error called emotional reasoning This happens when youconfuse your negative feelings with the thought or belief thatsomething negative or bad is actually happening or is goingto happen And the stronger and more overwhelming the badfeelings are the more spillover there is likely to be from youremotions to your thought process

Just because you are afraid of a manipulatorrsquos anger forexample does not necessarily mean that something dire is reallyabout to happen The manipulator likely will get over his angerand you will tolerate the fear especially with the help of thefollowing desensitization technique Or just because you feelguilty for not acquiescing immediately to a manipulative fam-ily memberrsquos demand it does not necessarily follow that yourrelationship with that person will be damaged inalterably orthat you will lose their love

Lowering the urgency with which you react to negativefeelings and decreasing the intensity of those feelings will havea corrective effect on the emotional reasoning that fuels themanipulative cycle

You will not need to use sheer willpower to change yourreactions to fear anxiety and guilt Instead you will be bol-


190


stered with the benefit of a potent psychological techniquecalled desensitization Here is how it works

The basic principle of desensitization is that you cannotfeel relaxed at the same time that you feel fearful anxiousor guilty This you will agree seems logical on its face Thusby using behavioral conditioning you will assume a state of relaxation with the help of a deep-breathing exercise whileyou simultaneously recall an actual experience in which the manipulator elicited strong negative emotional reactionsin you

To accomplish the conditioning you need to recall at leastthree (more is fine) situations in which you experienced fearanxiety andor guilt as a result of the manipulatorrsquos actionsand therefore felt pressured to comply with the manipulatorrsquosdesires Use examples that are quite vivid in your memoryWrite down a sketch of each example taking care to describejust what the manipulator said or did that made you feel theuncomfortable emotions Also describe your reaction of fearanxiety and guilt in as much detail as possible

Next using a cassette recorder equipped with a micro-phone record a tape of your three examples simply by read-ing your written descriptions Of course any embellishmentor elaboration you add is even better No one will listen tothe tape except you Your purpose here is to recreate the expe-rience of anxiety fear or guilt

Here is how you put the components of desensitizationtogether Lie down on a comfortable bed or sofa Have yourcassette player and the tape you made ready by your sideBegin by breathing deeply through your nose wait for a sec-ond or two at the top of your inhaled breath and then exhalefully through your mouth Continue breathing slowly andrhythmically Many people find it helpful to visualize a wave

Resistance Tactics

191


washing onto the shore and then returning with the tide backto the sea as they continue their deep breathing

While you are breathing focus your attention on yourarms and legs As you continue to breathe deeply focus onthis thought ldquoMy arms and legs are growing heavy andwarmrdquo Focus on how heavy your limbs feel as they sinkdeeper and deeper into the cushion of your bed or sofa

After 2 to 3 minutes of relaxation breathing you are readyto turn on your tape recorder Continue to breath and to relaxyour body as you listen to the first recollection that you haverecorded In your mindrsquos eye visualize as clearly as possiblethe scene that is being described As you listen to yourselfdescribing the negative emotional reactions put yourself inthe scene and try to experience those same feelings

Now the key to desensitization is to maintain as muchphysiologic relaxation as you can while simultaneously visu-alizing the scene in which negative emotions were arousedAs you allow yourself to feel anxiety fear or guilt be con-scious of how you are able to control the feelings by main-taining your deep breathing and the relaxation of your body

As the tape of your first description ends turn off the taperecorder Keep the visualized scene clearly in your mind Tryto really feel the negative emotion(s) being conjured in yourmemory Focus again on your rhythmic breathing Now sayto yourself ldquoI may be feeling anxious or afraid or guilty butI can tolerate it I am okayrdquo Continue breathing deeply andletting your limbs feel heavy and warm

Repeat the exercise for the other two examples you haverecorded Each time notice that you can counter the discom-fort of fear anxiety or guilt by refocusing on your relaxationbreathing and passive muscle release


192


Practice the exercise of combining relaxation as you visu-alize your recollections at least twice each day for a week ortwo Every time that you practice it will become easier toaccomplish the pairing of your negative feelings with yourcounterresponse of relaxation The more facile you become atthe desensitization work the more effective the technique willbe when the first real opportunity for resistance presents itself

In the actual setting of manipulation desensitization is aquiet but nevertheless potent tactic of resistance When themanipulator in your life ratchets up the pressure and seeks tocreate those now-familiar feelings of anxiety fear or guiltyou will resist by immediately thinking ldquoI am feeling fear (oranxiety or guilt) but I can tolerate it I am okayrdquo And youwill recall the feelings of relaxation as you regulate yourbreathing in a quiet emulation of the deep-breathing exercise

The resistance comes from what you will not do You willnot rush to capitulate or comply with the manipulatorrsquosdemands because your urgent habit to quash the bad feelingshas been broken You will simply withstand the negative feel-ings that will decrease in intensity because of the desensitiza-tion training that you have practiced and the natural processof habituation

Step 4 Labeling the Manipulation

As long as the silent contact between you and the manipulatorremains in tact the power of the manipulation will as wellHowever when you disrupt the collusion and reveal the hid-den agenda by clearly and directly labeling the interaction as amanipulation the power balance will realign in your direction

The essence of this resistance is for you to describe indirect language exactly what the manipulator is doing By

Resistance Tactics

193


describing the manipulation out loud you will go a long waytoward disrupting and ultimately foiling the manipulatorrsquospurposes Think of direct clear communicationmdashespeciallywhen it is about the manipulation itselfmdashas the psychologi-cal equivalent to holding up a cross to a vampire Mostmanipulators recoil in the face of being ldquobustedrdquo and the airgoes out of the pressure they are trying to create just as eas-ily as it escapes a punctured balloon

Before you are ready to label the manipulation in the pres-ence of the manipulator you will require some preparationand again some practice Begin by selecting an example fromrecent memory You may use one of the same examples fromthe desensitization exercise or any other instance when themanipulator has coerced you into compliance

The best way to analyze the manipulation is to use what Irefer to with my patients as the ldquoABCD formulardquo This modelwill help you to identify the connections between the manip-ulatorrsquos tactics and your feelings Importantly it points to andarticulates an alternative to the current manipulative tactic

Think back to your example of a time when you weremanipulated and fill in the blanks in the following sentences

[Behavior A] ldquoWhen you do [describe what the manipu-lator does that you find unpleasant hurtful or uncom-fortable]

[Emotion B] I feel [state the emotion you feel][Alternative behavior C] If you would stop doing [behav-

ior A] and if you would instead do [describe an alter-native nonmanipulative behavior]

[Emotion D] I would feel [state your desired emotion]rdquo

Here is an example from the analysis of one of my patientswho had a highly manipulative husband Here is what shesaid to him


194


[A] ldquoWhen you raise your voice and yell at me [B] I feel afraid and anxious[C] If you would just stop yelling and ask me what you

want in a calm voice [D] I would feel a lot more respected and valuedrdquo

Ask a supportive friend therapist or other person to assist you by role-playing your resistance Set up the sce-nario and ask the other person to behave like the manipula-tor Ask the other person to do or say what the manipulatortypically does Then it is your turn to resist by labeling themanipulation

Using the ABCD model lay out the manipulative behav-ior your reaction the alternative preferred behavior and yourreaction to the alternative Pay particular attention to thewording of the emotional statements By using the form ldquoIfeel [emotion]rdquo instead of ldquoYou make me feel [emotion]rdquo youare taking responsibility for your own feelings rather thanblaming the manipulator And while you may feel stronglythat the manipulator in fact is responsible for making youfeel bad laying the blame on another person for your feelingsis really the manipulatorrsquos style rather than yours The rec-ommended form is far more effective

Practice keeping your voice relatively quiet and low in vol-ume Your goal is to project quiet strength yelling is formanipulators Stick with the ABCD formula You do not needto explain or say anything more Remember this resistancestep is merely to label the manipulation

You will need to learn one final statement to conclude thisstep Return to behavior A and state in a direct nonpro-vocative or nonaccusatory way ldquoI understand that it is yourchoice to [engage in behavior A] Now you know how I feelwhen you [engage in behavior A]rdquo

Resistance Tactics

195


In a sense this closing statement gives the manipulator thebenefit of the doubt Just in case you have not explained youremotional reactions to his manipulations or on the outsidechance that the manipulator does not really know how hisbehavior is affecting you this statement puts to rest thoseexcuses

Once you have labeled the manipulation and informed themanipulator of your feelings the ball is back in his courtNow if the manipulatorrsquos toxic behavior persists you canconclude that his intention is to cause you to feel the uncom-fortable emotions that previously have propelled you intocapitulation

When you have practiced sufficiently you will be ready toresist by labeling the manipulation next time the manipulatorpulls out his or her pressure tactics And you will be ready forthe next key resistance step

Step 5 Disabling the Manipulation

This resistance step holds the key to your freedom You willtell the manipulator from a position of quiet strength that hertactics will no longer work to accomplish her purposes

Return to your examples from the last few exercises Iden-tify a specific goal that the manipulator has pursued with youWhat did the manipulator want you to do or say If you can-not define a specific goal you can use a generic version (seebelow) Use the manipulatorrsquos goal to fill in the following sen-tence ldquoI understand that you want me to [manipulatorrsquos spe-cific goal]rdquo or ldquoI understand that you wish I would do whatyou want [genericnonspecific]rdquo

Now review the following list and circle all the tacticsthat the manipulator typically uses to get her way Add moreif necessary


196


Silent treatmentYellingscreamingraising voiceSwearingName-callingDoor slammingFist poundingAngry facial expressionsLaughingCryingSulkingPoutingCriticizingSighingIgnoringThreatsNegative predictions

To disable the manipulation you need to state that youunderstand the manipulatorrsquos goal but that the manipulativetactic she is choosing to use will not work to accomplish thatgoal

Here are some examples of how this resistance tactic sounds

ldquoI understand that you want me to do this work for youbut your threats are not going to be effective anylongerrdquo

ldquoI understand that you want me to go with you tomor-row but giving me the silent treatment and ignoringme is not going to be effectiverdquo

ldquoI understand that you wish I would do what you wantbut your anger swearing and fist pounding are notgoing to work on me anymorerdquo

Resistance Tactics

197


The best way to practice is to combine steps 4 and 5 Youcan readily see that the two resistance steps used in combi-nation are like a one-two punch You will tell the manipula-tor that you now know exactly what she is doing andimportantly how you feel in reaction to her tactics Then youwill simply inform the manipulator that although you under-stand what she wants of you the old tactics will no longerwork to coerce your compliance

Step 6 Setting Your Terms

As you implement the resistance tactics you will experiencethe reemergence of your identity By recalibrating the powerbalance and effectively holding off the manipulatorrsquos coercivetactics you will be establishing new personal boundaries

This step of resistance will make those boundaries explicitHere is where you communicate clearly and directly that youwill no longer participate or collude in being manipulatedThe components of this resistance step are

1 Announce your intention to make your own decisionsabout what you will or will not do in the relationshipbased on taking your own needs and interests intoaccount along with those of other people (includingthe manipulator)

2 Teach the manipulator how you want to be treatedmdashfor example with respect as a person of value andintegrity as an adult or equal partner Communicatedirectly that you will not allow yourself to be hurt

3 Establish clear boundaries and limits Give notice thatmanipulative tactics are no longer acceptable (eg nomore silent treatment no guilt trips no intimidationthrough anger or threats of abandonment) Do not


198


threaten Just make it clear that you will not partici-pate in any conversation that includes the off-limitstactics

4 Ask the manipulator to acknowledge that you haveneeds values opinions and preferences for your ownbehavior that while they may be different from hisor hers they are not bad or wrong

5 Tell the manipulator that you are hopeful that by set-ting limits and reestablishing your personal integritythe overall quality of the relationship for both of youwill improve

Naturally you should practice making these statementsideally through role-playing Make each point directly andwith a minimum of elaboration or explanation This is yourpersonal emancipation proclamation

Of course it is unlikely that the manipulator will complywith an automatic ldquoOh surerdquo However if you have usedsome or all of the resistance tactics discussed earlier themanipulator will not really be surprised In a sense you arejust telling him directly what you have already been display-ing with your newly found abilities to resist the manipulativecontrol

You may feel quite anxious about making these statementsDo not allow your anxiety to dissuade you You should beeven more anxious and fearful about continuing to lose your-selfmdashyour values independence and integritymdashby allowingyourself to be stifled and subjugated by a manipulative con-troller

What you certainly can and ought to expect is fallout Initially the manipulator may respond by turning up the pres-sure and coercion several degrees You must not succumb

Resistance Tactics

199


now Use your broken-record skills to reiterate your statementof terms If she is going to come around to a healthier hap-pier relationship you will see it happen in response to yourstrength not to your weakness

You must face the possibility that the manipulator maynot wish to continue the relationship under any terms but herown And you are wise to confront this possibility right nowIn a very real sense the statement of your terms becomes alitmus test for the value of the relationship in the first placeIf you discover that the manipulatorrsquos only terms for main-taining the relationship are your continued manipulation andexploitation you will have some serious decisions to makeExtraction may well be your best and healthiest option

Naturally even if the manipulator sees the light andacknowledges a willingness to change you should not expectthe relationship to self-correct overnight The manipulatorwill need time to learn new ways of behaving and better waysto ask for what he wants However your patience consis-tency and resoluteness are the orders of the new day

Step 7 Compromising and Negotiating

While there is no compromise or negotiation on the tacticsused by the manipulator there needs to be a healthy give andtake on meeting your respective needs and preferences As youwill recall a hard-core manipulator is only interested in serv-ing his own interests and his own ends Left to his owndevices the manipulator will not automatically be lookingout for what you need or desire

However if the manipulator is ready to accommodate andadapt to the healthy changes that you have initiated there isroom for both of your interests to be served This final resis-


200


tance step shows you the basic model of conflict resolutionthrough compromise and negotiation

I am using the term conflict here not to mean an argumentor full-blown confrontation although mishandled conflictoften can escalate to just that In this context conflict simplymeans that you and the (former) manipulator have differentpreferences or desires concerning interdependent decisions orthings that involve or affect both of you or require both ofyou to coordinate your actions

Since the manipulator is no longer able to get his way by making unilateral demands and turning up the pressureto force your compliance new more constructive methodsare required Here are the basic steps to negotiate a com-promise or joint solution to a conflict of interest preferenceor values

1 Describe the other personrsquos position in clear unam-biguous terms ldquoI understand that you wantwouldlikewould prefer _____________rdquo

2 Confirm your understanding of his position Ask himto clarify as necessary

3 State your position or preference directly in clearunambiguous terms ldquoI would likeprefer __________rdquo

4 Allow for and directly answer questions designedto clarify both positions especially with respect tohow each of you feels about the alternatives andabout the degree of importance attached to theissue

5 Enlist the (former) manipulator in a search for a com-promise ldquoIs there a third alternative that might workfor both of us Letrsquos try to think of onerdquo

Resistance Tactics

201


6 Or enlist the (former) manipulator in a fair but ran-dom choice solution ldquoSince we canrsquot agree letrsquos flipa coin Wersquoll do it the way the winner of the coin tosswantsrdquo

7 Or enlist the (former) manipulator in an exchangebarter or turn-taking solution ldquoIrsquoll do _______ foryou if yoursquoll do ________ for merdquo or ldquoWersquoll do it myway this time and your way next time (or viceversa)rdquo

The essential point here is that compromise and negotiationare possible

This final resistance step is really a wholesale substitutefor manipulation There is simply no room for manipulativetactics in your newly defined relationship When both partiesare heard and understood and when their desire to reachsolutions that advance the welfare of the relationship insteadof each individual is paramount the manipulative cycle is fin-ished

Many of my patients over the years have come to metrapped in what they initially felt were relationships withintractable manipulators Many have had success in gettingthe former manipulator in their lives to compromise andnegotiate However they first learned how to choose theirbattles

Choosing Your Battles

The preceding tactics will allow you to launch a full-scaleresistance that will end manipulation and let you reclaim con-trol over your own life However you must choose your bat-tles carefully and wisely


202


Use the steps selectively and assess the manipulatorrsquosresponses Some manipulative relationships do change andbecome far more positive and healthier in character Sadlythough somemdashmaybe even mostmdashdo not You may use thesteps as a kind of test evaluation to determine whether yourmanipulative relationship has the flexibility and strength totransform

You know the circumstances and complexities of yourparticular relationship Many factors may enter into yourdecision to stay or leave resist or submit or settle for limit-ing the damage and improving the situation as opposed tofull-scale recovery and change

If you are being manipulated at work for example yourresistance may require a small-scale carefully orchestratedcampaign that will help to improve the way you feel aboutyourself while protecting your job and your livelihood Youmay never choose to confront a controlling and potentiallyirrational boss However taking back control in small waysand looking for an alternative to your current employmentsituation may be sufficient to lower your current stress andallow you to preserve your self-esteem while you graduallyand safely put your liberation plan into action

Or like a former patient you may abandon small-scale stepsfor personal revolution He was a vice president at a large pub-lic relations firm in Los Angeles He was earning a lot of moneybut was unhappy with his work surroundings due mainly to hisboss When he first came to see me he would not have labeledhis negative work experiences as his having been manipulatedbut gradually he came to see how his bossrsquo manipulative workstyle and lack of work ethic was affecting him One morningas he was riding the escalator up from the underground garageinto the high-rise office lobby a uniformed security guard who

Resistance Tactics

203


was stationed at the top of the stairs looked at him and said ldquoIdonrsquot think Irsquove ever seen anyone look unhappier than yourdquoThis comment came from a total stranger My patient rode theelevator to his office on the thirty-first floor and immediatelymade plans to extract himself from that painful environmentTwo weeks later he walked into the presidentrsquos office and gavehis notice He felt better the minute he had determined what hewas going to do and great relief when he resigned He has neverregretted that decision

Whether you employ small-scale resistances or cause apersonal revolution you now understand the damage thatmanipulation can cause to your emotional and physicalhealth if you make no changes at all and allow your victim-ization to persist You are now empowered to get out fromunder the manipulative control that is making you unhappyYou know how to resist Choosing how when and withwhom is up to you


204


How to Make Yourselfa Hardened Target

Earlier in this book you learned thatcertain flawed ways of thinkingmdashespeciallyabout yourself in relationship to other peo-

plemdashset you up as an easy mark for manipulators In Chapter2 you had an opportunity to measure your own vulnerabilityand to determine how soft or easy a target you represent towould-be manipulators

You also have learned that becoming the victim of manip-ulation creates points of vulnerability By allowing anotherperson to pull your strings you become less self-reliant andless inclined to see yourself as the prime mover of your ownlife As a consequence your self-esteem drops your sense ofidentity blurs and your internal focus on what constitutesyour core self becomes fuzzy and obscure

If you have people-pleasing tendencies approval addic-tion anger phobia andor assertiveness problems these but-tons get pushed repeatedly by manipulators and thereforebecome more deeply ingrained as your collusion with manip-ulation persists

205

13



In short the areas of vulnerability that make you a softtarget are both the cause and the consequence of becomingenmeshed in one or more manipulative relationships

If you have started implementing the resistance tacticsyou are on your way to extricating yourself from manipula-tive control By changing your behavior you have started theprocess of correcting the self-defeating thoughts and beliefsthat have made you an easy mark

Now it is time to launch a direct attack on those thoughtpatterns and in so doing to transform yourself into a hardenedtarget instead of a soft one As a result of the difficult and painfulexperiences you have endured in manipulative relationships youshould be highly motivated to change You understand far bet-ter than ever before how dangerousmdashto both your emotionaland physical well-beingmdashit would be to hang onto the kind ofthinking that will just lead you into another manipulative trap

Altering your thinking is yet another pathway to achievemore far-reaching constructive changes in your feelings andyour behavior Psychologically your thinking behavior andfeelings are linked together in a kind of delicate balance Peo-ple find it very unpleasant when one part of the system is outof sync or is incongruous with another The technical term forthis imbalance is cognitive dissonance Consider it a conflictbetween any two of the three mental elementsmdashyour think-ing behavior or feelings

Because of the clash it creates in our mind we generallydo not like to act one way and think or feel another Whenthis happens we feel phony disingenuous or just downrightconfused The dissonance or discomfort motivates us to getthe system back in balance by realigning the parts and mak-ing them fit together harmoniously


206


When it comes to being manipulated vulnerable think-ing supports victimized behavior and the negative feelingsthat come along with both By implementing the resistancetactics you are using the leverage of dissonance to modifyyour thoughts and feelings In other words by acting assomeone who will no longer submit to manipulation youlead your thinking and feelings to change in nonvictimizedhealthier directions Remember the admonition Change yourbehavior and your mind (ie your thoughts and feelings)will follow

In very much the same way correcting flawed thoughtsand beliefs will have a healthy effect on your actions and emo-tions Thus by thinking like a hardened target you willbecome one

You have tasted the bitter pill of manipulation Now youare ready for a healthy dose of cognitive therapymdasha provenmethod for correcting the flawed erroneous thinking thatpropels capitulation to manipulators

Cleaning the Bugs in Your Mental Computer

The self-defeating thoughts and beliefs that make you vul-nerable to manipulation are like a virus that has infected yourmental hard drive To rid yourself of that virus and hardenyourself to manipulators you will follow three basic stepswhich I will explain below

1 Record your ldquoautomaticrdquo unedited and uncensoredthoughts in a written journal

2 Scan your stream of thoughts to identify all soft-targetbeliefs and attitudes

How to Make Yourself a Hardened Target

207


3 Replace each soft-target thought or bug with a cor-rected hard-target statement

Cognitive therapy teaches you to develop a keen exam-inerrsquos perspective on your own thought process Psychologistshave long observed that merely by asking patients to writedown their ldquoautomaticrdquo or unedited thinking the process ofchange is set into motion This is so because writing downyour thoughts greatly increases your awareness of what isgoing on in your own mind

By perusing your thoughts with a sharp eye toward detect-ing soft-target errors you will develop insight into howwrong-headed thinking has made you an unwitting collabo-rator of manipulators Finally by replacing the flawedthoughts with healthier self-protective ones you will gain farbetter control over the moods and emotions that thinking cre-ates Most important of course you will have steeled your-self as a hardened target to future manipulators

Collecting Your Thoughts in a Journal

In order to debug your mental computer you will need to sam-ple its contents on a regular basis The more samples you haveof your thinking the more effective your target-hardeningefforts will be

You should focus on the relationships in your life that youfind most difficult or problematic The trigger for making ajournal entry is any situation or interaction with another per-son that creates uncomfortable or unpleasant feelings for youYour emotional triggers may include anxiety fear guilt oblig-ation confusion sadness anger disappointment or any other


208


feeling that you experience as negative Certainly you shouldmake a journal entry anytime you feel manipulated

Try to write down your thoughts as soon after the situa-tion or incident as possible Jotting down some quick notesimmediately will aid your recall in case you cannot get to yourjournal for several hours

Your journal entry should include the date time and abrief description of the situation or problem that hasoccurred Include a description of your feelings The key iswhat comes next You must write down your thoughts asthough you were taking dictation from your mind directlyonto the journal paper

It is imperative that you record your ldquoautomaticrdquo think-ing without editing censoring or changing what has appearednaturally in your stream of thought Record your thoughtsabout the situation your relationship with the other person(s)and your emotional reactions

Since you are trying to uncover soft-target thinking thatmakes you vulnerable to manipulation you should use thefollowing list of the seven emotional buttonsmdashor areas of vul-nerabilitymdashas prompts or cues Write down your automaticthinking about

bull Your people-pleasing habits and mind-setsbull Your need for approval and acceptance and your need to

avoid rejection criticism and abandonmentbull Your fear and avoidance of anger conflict and confronta-

tionbull Your inability to say nobull Your blurred sense of identitybull Your low self-reliance


209


bull Your external locus of controlmdashYour tendency to see oth-ers as most responsible for what happens to you

How to Recognize Soft-Target Thinking

Before you scan your journal for evidence of flawed think-ing you need to spend a bit of time doing some homeworkHomework by the way is an integral part of cognitive therapy

Your assignment is to learn to recognize soft-targetthinking and to understand how and why it makes you vul-nerable to manipulation To help you I have provided sev-eral examples of soft-target beliefs in each of the seven areasof vulnerability

The soft-target examples I have provided are not intendedas an inclusive list that covers every personrsquos unique or precisethoughts That of course would be unfeasible Rather theexamples are designed to give you a good working sense of thestyle type and content of thinking that is self-defeating becauseit opens the door to manipulators

I recommend that you read each example out loud Askyourself if you recognize this type of thinkingmdashallowing forvariations in wording and different versions of expressionmdashinyour own thought process If your instinct is to agree with anyof the soft-target statements you have identified a flaw in yourthinking (Look back at your answers to the quiz in Chapter 2Your score is the number of soft-target statements out of a max-imum of 40 with which you agreed)

As you read each soft-target example in the following sub-sections try to assume the perspective of a manipulator Whatis it about this kind of thinking that attracts the attention andinterest of manipulators How would a manipulator exploit


210


this kind of thinking to his or her advantage How would shepush your buttons

People-Pleasing Habits and Mind-Sets

This kind of thinkingmdashand the behavior that it promotes andsupportsmdashis contaminated and distorted by self-sabotagingshould statements about yourself and other people If yousubscribe to people-pleasing beliefs your self-esteem is overlyattached to how much you do for others and how successfulyou are at pleasing them As a result you take care of every-one elsersquos needs at the expense of your own The price youpay for being nicemdasha personality trait central to your iden-titymdashis that other people will manipulate and exploit yourwillingness to please them

Here are some examples of people-pleasing thinking that setyou up to be a soft-target for manipulators

PEOPLE-PLEASING SHOULDS


2 I should always put other peoplersquos needs first beforemy own

3 I should always try to please other people and makethem happy

4 I should never say no to anyone who needs me or dis-appoint anyone in any way

5 I should always be nice even if I feel angry or upsetinside

6 Other people should like and accept me because ofhow hard I work to please them

7 Other people should appreciate and love me becauseof all the nice things I do for them


211


8 Other people should never reject or criticize mebecause I always try to live up to their expectations

9 Other people should not be angry with me because I would go to any length to avoid conflict anger orconfrontation with them

10 Other people should be kind and caring to me inreturn for how well I treat them

THE NEED TO BE NICE

1 I pride myself on being a nice person2 I believe that I should always be nice even if it means

allowing others to take advantage of my good nature3 I try to make other people like me by being a nice

person4 I want everyone to think of me as a nice person5 Being nice often prevents me from expressing nega-

tive feelings toward others

PUTTING OTHERS FIRST

1 I always try to meet the needs of others even at theexpense of my own needs and desires

2 If I stopped putting othersrsquo needs ahead of my ownI would become a selfish person and other peoplewould not like me

3 I would feel guilty if I did not make the needs of oth-ers more important than my own

4 I expect to give more in relationships than I expect toget back

5 I often feel that others expect too much from me butI always try not to disappoint them or let them down


212


YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO

1 I believe my value depends on the things I do forother people

2 I rarely delegate tasks to others3 I believe that other people like me because of all the

things I do for them4 I would think of myself as a bad or selfish person if

I did not always try to give of myself to thosearound me

5 I feel that I need to prove myself to others by doingnice things to make them happy

Approval Addiction

There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about valuing theapproval of others especially those you love and respectHowever when your need to have everyonersquos approvalmdashandto avoid their disapprovalmdashbecomes imperative for youremotional survival you have moved into the dangerous soft-target zone

If you are an approval addict your behavior will be as easyto manipulate and control as that of any other junkie All amanipulator needs to do is to give you the approval you craveand then simply threaten to take it away if you do not comply

Here are some examples of soft-target approval-addictionbeliefs

1 It is extremely important to me to be liked by nearlyeveryone in my life

2 I have always needed the approval of other people3 When someone criticizes me I get very upset


213


4 I need others to approve of me in order to really feelworthwhile and happy

5 My self-esteem depends greatly on what other peo-ple think of me

Fear of Anger Conflict and Confrontation

When this hot button is exposed a manipulator has an easyjob of gaining control over you by using tactics of intimida-tion to arouse your fear The manipulator knows that you willcomply in order to avoid the eruption of anger conflict orconfrontation

Here are some examples of soft-target thinking in thisarea

1 I would go to almost any length to avoid a con-frontation

2 I believe that nothing good can come from conflict3 I believe that something bad or destructive will result

if anger and conflict are expressed in a relationship4 I am easily intimidated by another personrsquos display of

anger or hostility5 I believe that I am usually to blame if someone gets

angry with me

Lack of Assertiveness and Inability to Say No

If you lack the ability to say no to othersrsquo needs requests ordemands you are a walking bullrsquos-eye for a manipulator Say-ing no may make you feel guilty or selfish or mean-spiritedbecause you equate it with disappointing others or lettingthem down Or you may fear that saying no will set offanother personrsquos anger or start a conflict Thus after years of


214


saying yes you have taught others to expect you to complyand left the door wide open to manipulation


1 I often say yes when I would really like to say no torequests from others

2 When I say no I feel guilty3 I worry that other people will be angry with me if I

turn down a request or say no to them in some otherway

4 I am frequently stressed and tired because I have saidyes to too many needs of others

5 It is very difficult for me to ever deny a request froma friend family member or coworker

Blurry Sense of Identity

Having an unclear sense of your own identitymdashnot knowingwhere you begin and end whose needs you feel and fill andwhat values are central to your coremdashis a bookend of manip-ulation On one side the lack of clear identity predisposes youto being dominated and controlled in manipulative relation-ships And when you become the pawn in other peoplersquos powergames the weaker and more blurred your sense of self becomes

Here are some examples of blurred identity thinking

1 I have difficulty describing who I really am indepen-dent of how other people see me

2 I do not have a clear sense of myself3 I am not sure that I have strong needs or values outside

of taking care of other people and making them happy


215


4 Sometimes I just feel invisible5 I often feel that my identity is absorbed from the

beliefs traits and values of other people in my life

Low Self-Reliance

This area of vulnerability goes hand in hand with a blurryidentity If your sense of self is out of focus your ability torely on your own judgment will be impaired as well And ifyou cannot depend on your own judgment and values toguide your decision making you necessarily will be prone tooverly rely on the judgments and directions of others With-out the ability to act as a reliable counselor to yourself youare a prime target for manipulation

Low self-reliance is soft-target thinking that looks andsounds like these examples

1 I am very insecure and anxious about making deci-sions on my own

2 I tend to rely more on the opinions and judgments ofothers than I do on my own

3 Without lots of input from others I just cannot makedecisions about big and small matters in my life

4 I often feel confused by all the feedback I get fromothers about how to run my life

5 I do not really trust my own judgment

External Locus of Control

You have an external locus of control if you believe that thethings that happenmdashor fail to happenmdashto you in life are moreunder the control of others than under your own control Incontrast people who have an internal locus of control believe


216


that the primary source of control over what happens to themin life lies within them

It stands to reason that if you believe that other peoplehave more influence and control over the outcomes in yourlife than you do yourself you will be more vulnerable to theirinfluence and to their attempts at manipulation And to theextent that you collude with or become victim to their manip-ulation your sense of being controlled by forces outside your-self will be reinforced and perpetuated

Here are some soft-target examples of external locus ofcontrol beliefs

1 I believe that most of the things that happen to meare more in control of other people than within myown control

2 I believe that luck opportunity and the goodwill ofothers have much more to do with what happens tome than anything that I do by myself

3 I do not think that there is really very much I can doto prevent or minimize negative things from happen-ing to me

4 I feel unable to change most of the things in my life5 In my relationships with most other people I believe

that I have less control over what happens than they do

Identify Your Soft-Target Thoughts

Now you are ready to scan your own thought process to detectsoft-target beliefs Carefully examine each of your journalentries With a colored pen or pencil underline each statement


217


or phrase that contains soft-target ideas or thoughts Remem-ber you are looking for thought content rather than exactwording

On a separate pad of paper make a list of the flawedthoughts you have identified As you list each statement makea notation of the area of vulnerability (eg people-pleasinglow self-reliance approval addiction and so on) that the soft-target thought reflects

Correcting Soft-Target Thinking with Hard-Target Beliefs

To transform yourself into a hardened target that will deterinstead of attract manipulators you will need to replace yourflawed thinking with healthier self-protective ideas In orderto build a solid mind-set of deterrence to manipulation yourhard-target thoughts must be accurate appropriate and cred-ible If you do not find the new way of thinking believableno one else will either

Inflated or grandiose statements of your strength andpower that you do not really believe will be as flimsy as ahouse of cards as a protection against manipulators Andreplacing your soft-target thoughts with a mantra of repeti-tive positive affirmations that have no real substance will notwork either

However when your mind-set is repaired and strength-ened with realistic healthy thinking it will pose an effectivedeterrent to manipulators Most manipulators will seek theeasiest mark they can find Your corrected hard-target think-ing will create a wall of protection that manipulators likelywill find too difficult to breach


218


One of my colleagues likens manipulators to opportunis-tic infectionsmdashthey are drawn to targets that pose the leastresistance or difficulty for them Since your new and improvedthinking will change you from a soft to a hardened target amanipulator is far more likely to pass you by and search foran easier victim elsewhere

To help you develop corrective hard-target beliefs I haveprovided a number of examples here for all the areas of vul-nerability The ldquoDebugging Guidelinesrdquo at the beginning ofeach section will help you adopt a healthier mind-set as youget ready to clean your mental computer

How to Correct People-Pleasing Shoulds

Debugging Guidelines When thinking is contaminated byshoulds it is rigid inflexible and extreme Appropriatethinking on the other hand is flexible moderate and bal-anced People-pleasing shoulds that dictate rules aboutyour own behavior or about your expectations of othersare coercive and controlling Statements of what youwould prefer or like are far more appropriate Try usingthe word choose in your corrected thoughts And softencategorical words such as always and never with lessextreme thinking

Your self-imposed should rules are rigid and nearly impos-sible to fulfill Instead of making you happier they leave youfeeling inadequate disappointed or angry with others as wellas wide open to manipulation

Following are some erroneous soft-target thoughts andsuggested ways to correct them in order to make you a hardertarget


219


Soft-target thought ldquoI should always do what otherswant need or expect from merdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoIf and when I want I canchoose to fulfill the wants needs or expectations ofothers who are important to merdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI should always try to please otherpeople and make them happyrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI know that it is impos-sible to please other people all the time or for me tomake everyone happy Setting myself up by trying todo the impossible will only make me feel inadequateand unhappyrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoOther people should appreciate andlove me because of all the nice things I do for themrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI hope that other peoplelove me for the person that I am rather than for whatI do for them When I choose to do nice things for oth-ers I hope they appreciate my effortsrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoOther people should always like andapprove of me because of how hard I work to pleasethemrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI know it is not reason-able or even possible for everyone to always like andapprove of me I would like the people whom I likeand respect to reciprocate my feelings but the mostimportant approval I need is my ownrdquo

How to Correct the Need to Be Nice

Debugging Guidelines If you have to compromise your ownvalues needs or identity as a special and unique individualthe price of nice is just too high Being nice will not alwaysprotect you from unkind treatment from others Thinking


220


that it will is likely to make you feel guilty and responsible ifothers treat you badly You are under no obligation to rewardpeople who treat you badly or unkindly or who manipulateor exploit you by acting nice and pretending that everythingis fine It is okay not to be nice some of the time

Soft-target thought ldquoI pride myself on being a nicepersonrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI pride myself on being asincere honest genuine principled hard-working andindependent [or any other aspect of your self-conceptother than the one-dimensional wishy-washy nice] personrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoBeing nice often prevents me fromexpressing negative feelings toward othersrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI realize that sometimesit is far better for me to say what is really on my mindeven if it involves unpleasant feelings than to stuff myfeelings inside and to become depressed anxious orunhealthy in other ways just so I can tell myself that Iam nicerdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI believe that I should always be niceeven if it means allowing others to manipulate me orto take advantage of my good naturerdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoIt is not okay for me tolet anyone manipulate me Rewarding people whotake advantage of me by being nice to them is not onlyunhealthy it is also dishonestrdquo

How to Correct Putting Others First

Debugging Guidelines If you always put othersrsquo needs aheadof your own and fail to take proper care of yourself there is


221


a very good chance that you will wind up being unable to takecare of those who matter the most to you It is entirely pos-sible to care about others and to take care of yourself tooThere is a big difference between being selfish and acting inyour own enlightened self-interest The latter is a healthydesirable goal

You are setting yourself up for manipulation if you fail toteach the people in your life that you have needs too andthat they bear some responsibility for meeting your needs justas you trymdashon a selective appropriate basismdashto fulfill theirsIt is not always better to give than to receive In fact thehealthiest relationships involve both give and take Your mis-taken belief that you must put othersrsquo needs ahead of yourown all the time leaves you wide open to exploitation coer-cion and manipulation

Soft-target thought ldquoI always try to meet the needs of oth-ers even at the expense of my own needs and desiresrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoIf I continually meet oth-ersrsquo needs at the expense of my own I will wind upfeeling stressed exhausted and resentfulrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoIf I stopped putting othersrsquo needsahead of my own I would become a selfish personand other people would not like merdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoAlways putting otherpeoplersquos needs first does not make me a better personit just makes me a target for manipulators I need tostrike a balance between taking care of myself andselectively taking care of those who are most impor-tant in my liferdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI would feel guilty if I did not makethe needs of others more important than my ownrdquo


222


Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI am not responsible foreveryonersquos needs Since I am not responsible I have noreason to feel guilty Playing on my guilt is a tactic ofmanipulatorsrdquo

How to Correct ldquoYou Are What You Dordquo

Debugging Guidelines Measuring your self-worth and defin-ing your identity by how much you do for other people arebeliefs that simply beg for a manipulatorrsquos exploitation Healthyrelationships are balanced and interdependent There has to beroom for others to do things for you By shouldering all or mostof the burden of needs and responsibilities in your relationshipswith others you will bury yourself with stress

Your compulsion to do more and more by yourselfmdashwith-out delegation or adequate supportmdashis a badly flawed formulafor building self-worth In fact your self-esteem will only bediminished and depleted by the exploitative manipulative rela-tionships that your flawed beliefs sustain

Soft-target thought ldquoI believe my value depends on thethings I do for other peoplerdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoMy value as a persondepends on far more than just the things I do for otherpeople While I enjoy doing nice things for others Ireally appreciate it when other people do things forme In fact my self-esteem suffers when others takeadvantage of my giving nature through manipulationand exploitationrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI believe that other people like mebecause of all the things I do for themrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI want other people toappreciate my efforts to do things for them but I do


223


not want them to like me because I do so much or toreject me because I may not always be available orwilling to help out I want people to like me for mygood qualities not because I am easily exploited ormanipulatedrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI rarely delegate tasks to others Ithink it is best to do things myself and maintain con-trol of them rather than to rely on others to help merdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI cannot do everythingmyself Just trying to do so is the way to lose controlnot to maintain it By allowing myself to always be onthe receiving end of delegation I set myself up as a tar-get for manipulation Learning to delegate and to say noare key not only to effective stress management but alsoto protection from people who want to control merdquo

How to Correct Approval Addiction

Debugging Guidelines It is simply impossible for you (oranyone else) to get everyonersquos approval all the time So youmay as well just stop knocking yourself out trying to do theimpossible Gaining the approval of others may make you feelgoodmdashespecially if the others are people you like andrespectmdashbut you do not need the approval of others to vali-date your worth as a human being

The most important effective and lasting approval is thatwhich you give to yourself If you have compromised yourintegrity and autonomy by turning over the strings of controlto a manipulator in exchange for his or her approval you arepaying far too high a price

Soft-target thought ldquoIt is extremely important to me tobe liked by nearly everyone in my liferdquo


224


Corrected hard-target thought ldquoIt is not possible foreveryone to like and approve of me After all I do notreally like and approve of everyone else Gaining theapproval of a select group of people whom I love andrespect is a more appropriate and attainable goalrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI need others to approve of me inorder to really feel worthwhile and happyrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI may like gaining theapproval and acceptance of others but I do not haveto have it in order to feel complete happy or worth-while My sense of value and contentment depends farmore on whether I approve of the way I am conduct-ing my life than on the elusive approval of othersrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI cannot stand it when other peoplecriticize or disapprove of me It makes me feel worth-less rejected and like a failurerdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI need to be less defensiveand fearful of criticism and disapproval from othersMy fears make me too vulnerable to manipulation Iknow that constructive criticism actually may help meto succeed but I cannot even hear it because I am soworried about failure When other people criticizesomething that I have done they are not necessarilyrejecting or disapproving of me as a personrdquo

How to Correct Fear of Anger Conflictand Confrontation

Debugging Guidelines Your fears of anger conflict and con-frontation invite manipulators to control you throughthreatsmdashimplicit or explicitmdashand intimidation Honestauthentic healthy relationships permit the appropriateexpression of occasional anger Chronic suppression of all


225


anger or conflict is bad for the health of any relationship andharmful to your personal health as well

A certain degree of conflict is inevitable between peopleespecially in a close relationship In fact conflict is not neces-sarily a sign of trouble in a relationship but chronic conflictavoidance is Constructive conflict aims toward an effectiveresolution so that the same conflict does not reemerge in thefuture

Your fears of negative emotions are only strengthenedwhen you avoid them through compliance capitulation sup-pression or denial By gaining experience and learning to han-dle anger conflict and confrontation constructively andappropriately you will reduce your vulnerability to manipu-lation greatly

Soft-target thought ldquoI believe that nothing good cancome from conflictrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoConflict can be quitehelpful by increasing communication building mutualunderstanding and forging new agreements that aredesigned to eliminate its underlying causesrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI would go to almost any length toavoid a confrontationrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoWhile I really do not likeconfrontations I am not willing to give in to manipu-lation just to avoid onerdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI am easily intimidated by anotherpersonrsquos display of anger or hostilityrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoAlthough I feel anxiousand somewhat afraid when someone displays angerand hostility I will not let myself be intimidated Usinganger and hostility as a way of pressuring me into


226


doing something I do not want to do just will notwork I am not to blame if the other person choosesto get angry and hostile I may not like feeling anxiousand afraid but I can tolerate it Letting myself bemanipulated feels a lot worserdquo

How to Correct Lack of Assertiveness and Inability to Say No

Debugging Guidelines Saying no assertively and effectively isyour first line of defense against manipulation In addition toprotecting you from manipulation saying no is key to pre-venting stress fatigue and depression as well You need to sayno to some people some of the time in order to preserve yourability to give to the people that really matter most in your life

If you feel guilty when you say no your thinking isinfected with an unreasonable should rule that makes it yourresponsibility to complymdashto say yesmdashto anyone and every-one who asks something of you Corrected thinking points toprotecting your emotional and physical well-being by sayingno on a selective basis so that you gain control over the streamof demands on your time and energy

Your value as a human being does not depend on thethings you do for others Saying no some of the time to someof the peoplemdashespecially to manipulatorsmdashwill in no waydiminish your worth in the eyes of others In fact your new-found assertiveness likely will enhance it

Soft-target thought ldquoI worry that other people will beangry with me if I turn down a request or say no tothem in some other wayrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI cannot possibly say yesto every request or need of others I have every right


227


to say no and to be selective about when and onwhom I spend my valuable time and energy I willcommunicate my denial in a respectful but assertiveway If the other person decides to get angry with methat is his or her choicerdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoIt is very difficult for me to ever denya request from a friend family member or coworkerrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoThe reason that it is hardfor me to deny requests from others is because I do nothave much practice doing it However as I gain moreexperience saying no the less difficult it will becomerdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoWhen I say no I feel guiltyrdquoCorrected hard-target thought ldquoI do not feel guilty say-

ing no because it is not my responsibility or obligationto say yes to everyone It is my responsibility to pro-tect myself from stress and manipulation by learningto assertively say nordquo

How to Correct a Blurry Sense of Identity

Debugging Guidelines Allowing your identity to remain outof focus will keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of vulnera-bility to and victimization by manipulation Correcting soft-target thinking in this area is a matter of asking andanswering self-defining ldquoWho am Irdquo questions

bull How do I see myself Compose a self-concept word pic-ture using 20 nouns adjectives or short phrases

bull What are my personal boundaries How are you similarand how are you different from your spouse or romanticpartner members of your family friends coworkers andother significant people in your life Compare and contrastyour needs personality styles and character strengths andweaknesses with at least three others


228


bull What are my core values What moral or ethical principlesare most important to you What political social or cul-tural attitudes do you hold with conviction andor passion

bull What are my spiritual beliefs What is your religious faithHow would you describe your personal spirituality

bull With whom am I bonded What people or relationshipsform your strongest emotional attachments What rela-tionships define your deepest bonds with others

bull What are my dreams and goals What motivates youWhat goals give your life a sense of mission or purpose

Developing and maintaining a clear sense of your identityis a critical deterrent to manipulators Flawed soft-targetthinking in this area reflects an external focusmdashon othersrsquoneeds and what you do to meet them or on other peoplersquos val-ues and beliefs And to the extent that your thoughts conveya confused unclear and blurry sense of self they continue topose a soft target

In contrast hard-target thinking asks and answers self-defining questions Hard-target thinking aims internally tocollect the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself fromwhich a sharper clearer and focused identity is forged

Soft-target thought ldquoI do not have a clear sense ofmyselfrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI am working on devel-oping a clearer sense of myself by asking and answer-ing ldquoWho am Irdquo questionsrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI have difficulty describing who Ireally am independent of how other people see merdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoWhile I find it interest-ing to know how others see me it is much moreimportant that I am clear on how I see myself I need


229


to understand what my core beliefs and values are sothat I am not overly influenced or manipulated byothersrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoSometimes I just feel invisiblerdquoCorrected hard-target thought ldquoIf I have felt invisible it is

because I have not tried hard enough to see myselfclearly from the inside out If I expect other people torespect me I must clarify where I begin and end andhonor my own personal boundaries I have valid needsof my own other than just to make other people happyrdquo

How to Correct Low Self-Reliance

Debugging Guidelines Soft-target thinking in this areaimpairs your ability to rely on your own judgments and expe-rience to make efficient effective decisions Your thinkingreveals a lack of trust in the quality of your own independentdeliberation Instead of consulting yourself first and foremostyou prefer instead to flood your own decision-making appa-ratus with voluminous input from others often with insuffi-cient regard to the relevance accuracy or usefulness of thedata you collect or the sources from whom they come

Often asking too many people for too much advice cre-ates confusion and ambiguity rather than the clarity and cer-tainty you seek Because you lack confidence in your ownability to sort through and assimilate the input you have soardently sought you require further help from others to helpyou process and make sense out of the largely extraneousdata

It is no wonder then that you approach decision makingwith feelings of anxiety and insecurity or that you suffer fromldquobuyerrsquos remorserdquo or eleventh-hour changes of heart Youbelieve erroneously that by asking for nearly everyonersquos


230


advicemdashabout decisions large and smallmdashyou will minimizethe chances of making a mistake What you do not realize isthat your method is the mistake

Without taking adequate account of your own feelingsjudgments or needs your decisionsmdashespecially as they per-tain to important life issuesmdashare simply ill-informed Com-pulsively surveying other people about what they would doif they were you is not going to point the way to your bestinterests You are the best and most important informant ofhow you feel about your own life Like it or not you mustlearn to rely on your own counsel

Your low self-reliance and lack of self-direction broadcastyour vulnerability to manipulation Unless you start thinkinglike a hardened target your susceptibility to coercive controlwill not end

Soft-target thought ldquoWithout lots of input from othersI just cannot make decisions about big and small mat-ters in my liferdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoGetting too much inputfrom too many people is one reason that I have somuch trouble making decisions Instead I am going tocast my own vote first Then I will ask a limited num-ber (maximum of three) of people whose opinion andjudgment I truly hold in high regardrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI do not really trust my ownjudgmentrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoI will learn to rely on andtrust my own judgment because I am the best sourceof information about me Other people can only tellme about their own feelings not about what is bestfor me I will listen to others whom I respect but the


231


final decision is not going to be a popular vote It willbe a single deciding votemdashmy ownrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI tend to rely more on the opinionsand judgments of others than I do on my ownrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoDepending more on othersrsquo opinions than on my own is a faulty decision-making process that I learned The good news is thatI can unlearn it or learn a better model When I letother people know how easily influenced I am by theirinput I make myself vulnerable to manipulators whodo not care about my best interests at allrdquo

How to Correct External Locus of Control

Debugging Guidelines If you adopt a generalized view of lifethat what happens to you is far more in the control of otherpeople than in your own you can pretty much expect lifelongvictim status in manipulative relationships It just stands toreason that if you believe that other people are supposed tobe in control of what happens to you they will be You mayas well just hand over the strings to the next available manip-ulator and let him pull to his heartrsquos content

Seeing your life outcomes through the prism of an exter-nal locus of control has some other drawbacks too Peoplewith an external locus of control tend to have lower self-esteem than those with an internal locus of control Andwhen you do not feel like you can be an effective player inmaking things happen in your own life you just will not tendto make the kind of self-generated effort or display the strongmotivation that can turn a random turn of luck into seizedopportunity


232


External locus of control can make you more vulnerable todepression because it creates feelings of learned helplessnessmdashthe sense that bad things will happen to you and that there isnothing you can do about them In addition holding anexternal locus of control view can even hurt your physicalhealth by creating a ldquogiving upgiven uprdquo mind-set that hin-ders optimal recovery from serious illnesses

Correcting this soft-target thinking is straightforwardDecide to start seeing the world from the perspective ofsomeone who has an internal locus of control Think andact as if you really believe that what you do can make a dif-ferencemdashthat you are a prime mover and shaker in yourown life

To shift into a hard-target internal locus of control mind-set you do not have to become delusional or imagine that youare in charge of everything that happens However you do needto look at the things in your life over which you can exercisecontrol andmdashthis is keymdashstart doing something about them

As you alter your thinking in the direction of greater inter-nalized control you will reap the psychological benefits of a self-fulfilling prophecy When you saw the world through the lens ofsoft-target external locus of control thinking you accepted thatother people had more influence over what happened to you thanyou did yourself Then to the extent that you colluded with yourown manipulation by becoming a victim your belief that out-side forces are in control was reinforced and perpetuated

Now with corrected hard-target thinking you willbecome less subject to the control of manipulators In a realsense then believing has made it so You now believe thatothers are not supposed to have more control over you than


233


you do and your experience as a hard target is supportingand reinforcing your healthier new perspective

Soft-target thought ldquoI believe that most of the things thathappen to me are more in control of other people thanwithin my own controlrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoWhile I am not in con-trol of everything that happens to me I do have a lotof control over how I am doing in life People will con-trol me if I give them the stringsmdashand I am no longerwilling to do thatrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI believe that luck opportunity andthe goodwill of others have much more to do with whathappens to me than anything that I do by myselfrdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoLuck may have a lot todo with what happens but I believe that what I chooseto do will make the difference between turning a good-luck opportunity into real success versus letting theopportunity just pass byrdquo

Soft-target thought ldquoI feel unable to change most thingsin my liferdquo

Corrected hard-target thought ldquoInstead of focusing onwhat I cannot change or control I am going to put myeffort into things that I can control Believing that Iam helpless makes me feel powerless and depressedBelieving that I can make my own life bettermdashin bigways and smallmdashis motivating and positiverdquo

Replacing Soft-Target Thoughts with Corrected Hard-Target Thoughts

Using the guidelines and examples in the preceding sectionsyou are now ready to challenge your own soft-target thinking


234


You already have underlined and identified the kind of think-ing that makes you vulnerable to manipulation The final stepis to replace each of your flawed beliefs with a corrected hard-target thought You may borrow from the examples alreadygiven or as appropriate write hard-target thoughts of yourown

After you write each corrected thought say it out loudAssume an attitude of quiet strength and confidence as youread aloud your new and improved mind-set Notice howmuch less vulnerable each hard-target thought sounds andhow much more empowered you feel as you say it

Maintaining Yourself as a Hardened Target

To reap fully the benefits of the skills you have learned in thischapter you should repeat the three-step (scan identifyreplace) journal exercise at least weekly You developed thesoft-target thinking over many years realistically you cannotexpect it to disappear over night However if you remaincommitted to making yourself a hardened target those oldpatterns of thought and behavior can and will give way to farhealthier self-protective ones

Maintaining your hard-target mind-set will require vigi-lance Backslides and relapses happen especially whenstresses and time pressures overtake your best intentions Justbe patient with yourself and do not give up You can recoverfrom any backslide Just take out your journal and beginagain to write down your thoughts If those old bugs havecrept back in you will know what to do to clean up correctand strengthen your thinking


235



Final Curtain onManipulation in Five Acts

Now that you are armed with theresistance tactics and hard-target think-ing that can help to free you from the

manipulators in your own life I thought you would like toknow how the people you met in Chapter 2 dealt with theirvarious manipulative dilemmas As you will see some of mypatients were able to alter the course of their relationshipsand to effect lasting changes that stopped or considerablyreduced the degree of manipulation Others however optedfor the path of extraction or leaving the relationship alto-gether However I can assure you that none of my patientslooked back with regret on the actions they took to get outfrom under manipulative control On the contrary thesereal stories of personal liberation marked true turningpoints in their lives

237

14




Once he came to therapy Bob was a very fast learner And hehad the courage to be forthright and candid with me andmost important with himself As a physician he knew thatthe stress of the relationship with Cindy was making himunwell and that his health and emotional balance dependedon making some big changes

After a few sessions in which we covered the basics ofmanipulation Bob recognized himself as a colluder in anegative-reinforcement cycle He realized that by capitu-lating canceling plans buying gifts or otherwise giving into Cindyrsquos displays of emotionmdashpouting crying screamingmdashhe was only fueling the manipulative fire He was getting rein-forced for caving in as soon as Cindy stopped the negativebehavior And he realized that he was reinforcing and reward-ing her for her dependent clingy behavior

The real turning point for Bob was when he saw himselfas pigeon 2mdashhooked on a pattern of intermittent reinforce-mentmdashcompulsively trying to get the ldquoold Cindyrdquo with whomhe had fallen in love to reappear Bob realized that every timehe saw a glimmer or a transitory reappearance of the ldquooldCindyrdquo he got a ldquofixrdquo and was even more addicted to the sickcycle

Bob asked Cindy to join him in therapy but she refusedInstead she continued to blame him for moving her awayfrom her home where she felt safe and secure In an ironictwist Cindy accused Bob of being manipulative and of chang-ing into a person she did not even recognize

This was the opening that Bob needed He told Cindythat he believed that they were both disillusioned and disap-pointed with each other And he told her that he had made


238


a firm decision to end the relationship before they hurt eachother any more After some crying and anger Cindy agreed

Bob bought Cindy a plane ticket back to New York andhelped her get resettled And he called her former employerto recommend that they rehire Cindy as the ldquobest conferenceplannerrdquo they ever had

Cindy left within the week Bobrsquos stomach pains stoppedCindy got her old job back And 10 months later Bob got mar-ried to a pediatrician who practices in his building


Sally came to therapy in her eighth month of pregnancy Weworked together for about a month before she gave birthDuring that time Sally was committed to learning effectiveresistance techniques to Martharsquos manipulation and to Jayrsquospassive-aggressive pressure as well

The breakthrough came about 6 weeks after the baby wasborn Sally returned to therapy and she was ready to put abattle plan into action In therapy she realized that her pri-mary loyalty needed to be to her husband and childmdashto herown family firstmdashand secondarily to her family of origin Shealso realized that Jayrsquos parents and his brothers and sistersand their families were vital to her baby daughter as hergrandparents aunts uncles and cousins

Sally recounted that she did not want her daughter to beldquocut offrdquo from Jayrsquos family the way that Martha had cut Sallyand Susie off from their own fatherrsquos relatives Since Marthadid not get along with her own in-laws she decided to pun-ish them by keeping them from ever getting to know theirgrandchildren However Sally realized that she and Susie lostout on valuable family connections

Final Curtain on Manipulation in Five Acts

239


I suggested that Sally enlist Susiersquos help as an ally in herbattle with Martharsquos stubbornness She invited Susie and herfamily to dinner one night where she told Susie how impor-tant it was that Jayrsquos family be acknowledged and includedespecially now that the baby was born

Susie was totally supportive She and Sally went over toMartharsquos one day and told their mother together about thenew arrangement To preserve family traditions they werehappy to go to Martharsquos two Fridays a month On the otherFridays Sally would host the dinner to which Martha andtheir father were invited along with Jayrsquos family

Sally and Susie role-played the resistance tactics togetherso that they were well prepared for Martharsquos manipulativeantics When she cried pitifully they told her that they weresorry she was choosing to see this change as negative but thatthis was her choice She could join them at Sallyrsquos or stayhome with dad It was completely up to her

When Martha called Sally a few days later to express herdisappointment and anger Sally labeled the manipulation anddisabled it artfully by saying that Martharsquos guilt induction orattempts to intimidate her with anger and anxiety just wouldnot work anymore And Sally used the broken record tech-nique to label Martharsquos emotion while ignoring the contentof what she was saying then she merely repeated the invita-tion to join the Friday night festivities at her house with theirnew granddaughter

Martha did not bend right away She actually stayed homewith her husband for the first four Fridays that Sally hostedthe dinner But Sally kept issuing invitations and refused tobuy into Martharsquos guilt-peddling attempts

Finally when Sallyrsquos father decided to join in the resis-tance Martha succumbed He said he was going to Sallyrsquos


240


whether his wife joined him or not And he told her that hewould not be a party to cutting his new granddaughter offfrom half of her extended family by ignoring Jayrsquos relatives

Martha still tries to manipulate And she gets away withit some of the time But Sally has become a much harder tar-get By changing her thinking Sally has rid herself of theloathsome guilt that fueled the manipulation for so manyyears

Friday night dinners are now at Martharsquos every otherweek and at Sallyrsquosmdashwith various combinations of Jayrsquos par-ents and siblingsmdashon the alternative weeks Now Sally isnegotiating with Martha to work out a schedule for holidaysand special occasions


Once Francine got a handle on Arniersquos true character she hadserious second thoughts about trusting him as a partner StillFrancine was shocked by Arniersquos decision when it was timeto discuss their formal partnership agreement

Arnie simply said that now that the 6-month probation-ary period was over he simply was not impressed enoughwith Francinersquos ldquointelligence motivation or work ethicrdquo towrite formal partnership papers For her trouble Arnie pro-posed to pay her a 20 percent fee on any deals that she hadworked on that closed within a year Otherwise he was ldquooutof the arrangementrdquo

Francine learned a painful lesson in manipulation fromArnie In hindsight Francine actually credits her bad experi-ence with Arnie as ending a naive and immature period inwhich her soft-target people-pleasing habit and thoughts madeher a natural mark for manipulators She worked diligently to


241


correct her thinking and to harden herself as a target And shevowed to stay vigilant to manipulators in business as well as inher personal life

Three months after the bad experience with ArnieFrancine was asked to join a team of highly successfulwomen brokers She is now one of the highest producers inthe company

Arniersquos wife filed for divorce A year later he was forcedto leave the firm after a sexual harassment lawsuit against himand the firm was settled for $1 million


After Cararsquos terrible Monday following her party she wentinto a major funk She even refused to go to school for 3 dayshaving developed a stress-related stomachache

Cara came with her Mom to a few therapy sessions Withgreat role-modeling on her motherrsquos part Cara came to real-ize that these ldquopopularrdquo girls were not the kinds of friendsshe ever wanted to have She was able to alter her thinking sothat instead of feeling embarrassed and ashamed for beingused she could think of the shame as more appropriate forthe girls who had acted so badly

ldquoLet them feel embarrassed when they see merdquo Cara saidldquoI am so over themrdquo

With her parentsrsquo supportmdashand their admission of errorby enabling Cara to try to ldquobuyrdquo her friendshipsmdashCarashifted her focus She decided to get very serious about heracademic performance because tenth grade counts for collegeAnd she fell in love with volleyball a sport she had neverplayed until coming to California


242


Cara made the varsity volleyball team and became fastfriends with her teammates She realized how her move toCalifornia and her entry into hard-core adolescence thrust herinto a highly vulnerable state that manipulative people couldexploit

Cara smiles now as she remembers that painful firstmonth at school ldquoI made lemonade out of lemonsrdquo she saysproudly ldquoBut I still have to watch out for manipulatorsrdquo


When a second Christmas passed without a proposal fromJay Valerie decided to make a movemdashout After some inten-sive individual therapy Valerie decided to take control backover her own life She realized that as long as she lived withJay without being married she was caught in the trap ofmanipulation Finally she had reached the point where herfear of continued living in the limbo zone was far greater thanher fear of losing the relationship

Valerie wrote Jay a letter in which she told him her plansto move to her own apartment the next day She said that herdecision was final She would no longer feel anxious or guiltyabout wanting to get married and start a family And shewould no longer endure the threat of his anger or be so ter-rified of his abandonment or rejection

She told Jay that she loved him and still wanted to marryhim But she knew that he had to work out his own fears Shesaid that she earnestly hoped that he would do so before shemet someone else

At first Jay was furious and deeply hurt He told Valeriethat her decision was the confirmation and proof he needed


243


that she was not the right woman to marrymdashthat she wouldjust wind up leaving him like his first wife

Valerie and Jay were separated for 3 months Jay begancalling Valerie and asking to see her after just 2 weeks How-ever Valerie held her ground She said that the only relation-ship she was interested in with Jay was to be his wifeOtherwise Valerie said she saw no reason to get backtogether

Valerie went through some very painful and lonely peri-ods without Jay But she learned to tolerate the discomfortrather than capitulate to the ldquodouble squeezerdquo manipulationthat Jayrsquos fears produced

ldquoIf Jay really loves merdquo Valerie told herself each dayldquohersquoll want to marry me Otherwise Irsquom not losing anythingbut heartbreak and more painrdquo

Herersquos the happy ending Jay proposed on Valeriersquos nextbirthday They got married a month later


244


Conclusion

You now have the tactics strate-gies and mind-set to stand up to the ma-nipulators in your life And you know

how to make yourself a far harder target for potential ma-nipulators to exploit or control in the future

You recognize the costly toll that manipulation takes onyour emotional well-being physical health and relationshipswith the nonmanipulative people in your life Hopefully thedistress you feel will spur you to action Remember withoutyour determination to initiate changes and to take correctiveaction the manipulative relationship will remain status quoAfter all why should the manipulator want to change things

Armed with effective tools and weapons you have almosteverything necessary to mount a successful battle againstmanipulation The one thing I cannot give you however isthe critical final ingredient that will transform this book fromjust another self-help guide that you place on the shelf into apotent training manual that will empower you to take life-changing action

245

Conclusion_Braiker_140278-0 62303 1038 PM Page 245


That critical ingredient is courageCourage is the spark that will ignite the change process

So you must reach deep inside and find your personalcourage Your freedom depends on it

Having courage is not the same thing as being unafraid orwithout anxiety On the contrary by acting with courage youwill proceed to do what is required despite the fact that youmay feel wobbly somewhat anxious or perhaps downrightscared to death Feeling nervous about confronting and resist-ing the manipulators in your life is only natural The key isto listen to your strengths and let them guide you do not letyour fears determine your fate

Set your intention to break free of manipulation Findyour courage use the skills you have learned and patientlystay the course Changemdashespecially if it is to be long lastingmdashwill not happen in a day However if you remain committedand diligent you will be successful

As you close this book take a few moments to reflect onthis thought

If I am not for myself who will be for meIf I am only for myself what am IIf not now when

HILLEL TWELFTH CENTURY


246


Index

247

AAbandonment fear of 40 89 90

109ldquoABCD formulardquo 194ndash195Acceptance

addiction to 38ndash40as control lever 108See also Approval addiction

Act as if 186 207 233Addiction

to approvalacceptance (seeApproval addiction)

partialintermittent reinforcementand 136 138ndash139

Addictive personalities 101ndash102Admiration need for 87Affection

as control lever 110as positive reinforcement 129

Agendas 4Aggression

in antisocial personalities 100fear of 40ndash42from frustration 161ndash162

Altruism (as disguise formanipulation) 61

American Psychiatric Association84

Angerin borderline personalities 90

Anger (Cont)fear of 40ndash42 109 190 214

225ndash227from frustration 158and inability to say no 44suppressed 164ndash165in Type A personalities 98ndash100of victim 164ndash165

Antisocial personalities 100ndash101Anxiety 42

creating 139ndash140definition of 187in dependent personalities 92ndash93desensitizing 187ndash192and inability to say no 44in manipulators when control is

threatened 57Approval


Approval addictionas area of vulnerability 38ndash40correcting 224ndash225

Arrogance 100Assertiveness (see Lack of

assertiveness)Attention

as positive reinforcement 129seeking 94ndash96

Authority (as tactic) 114

Index_Braiker_140278-0 62303 1038 PM Page 247


Index

248

Autonomy 164 224Aversive conditioning 133 158Avoidance

as control lever 108ndash110117ndash122

of loss 123 124of negative emotions 41of punishment 141and victimization 167ndash168

BBarter 202Behavior

addictive 136 138ndash139balance of thinking emotions

and 206change in thinking before change

in 181ndash182 206 207changing 3 60 71 84 (See also

Hardened target becoming a)compulsive 138manipulatorrsquos control over own

57ndash58punishment as direct

consequence of 140resistance (see Resistance tactics)sexual 94ndash96teachinglearning (see

Reinforcement)Behavioral conditioning (see

Desensitization techniqueReinforcement)

Beliefscorrecting 218ndash234and locus of control 48ndash50self-defeating 207ndash208

ldquoBig Lierdquo 144ndash145Blame (as negative reinforcement)

134Blurry sense of identity

as area of vulnerability 45ndash46

Blurry sense of identity (Cont)correcting 228ndash230as soft-target thinking 215ndash216

Borderline personality disorder89ndash92

Boundaries personal 198ndash200The broken record 182ndash186Burns David 40Buss David 112 114ldquoButtonsrdquo of vulnerability 33ndash35

166ndash167Buyerrsquos remorse 48 230

CCaring (as disguise for

manipulation) 61Case studies 9ndash26 237ndash244

dinner at Momrsquos 13ndash16239ndash241

double squeeze 24ndash26 243ndash244location location location

16ndash20 241ndash242tale of two Cindys 10ndash13

238ndash239terrible teens 20ndash24 242ndash243

Changeof behavior before thinking

181ndash182of manipulatorrsquos behavior 3 60

71 84 172manipulatorrsquos motivation for 59

60in relationships 173of victimrsquos behavior 168 172

(See also Resistance tactics)Charisma 101Charm 101 113Choices 84

of battles 202ndash203replacing ldquoshouldsrdquo with 219

Christie Richard 85


Index

249

Clarification (of motives) 82ndash83Classic manipulation 127Clinginess 92 93Codependency 102Coercion 4 5 113

and form of reinforcement 158lack of compliance with 147

Cognitive dissonance 206ndash207Cognitive therapy 207ndash208Collusion 79 83Commitment

to breaking free of manipulation167ndash168

as control lever 108Communication 4

as control lever 110labeling the manipulation

193ndash196negative reinforcement through

134and silent contract 156ndash157

Companionship (as control lever)108

Comparisons (as negativereinforcement) 134ndash135

Competitiveness 68ndash70 98Complaining 97Compliance 79

gain or loss from 111resisting (see Resistance tactics)and strength of control 171

Compromise 200ndash202Compulsive behavior 138Confidence 163 230Conflict

avoidance of 40ndash42fear of 109 214 225ndash227as relationship differences 201

Confrontation fear of 40ndash42 214225ndash227

Confusion 159ndash161

Conscience lack of 101Conscious manipulation 51ndash52

60 77Control 2 127ndash144

Big Lie method of 144ndash145by intermittent or partial

reinforcement 136ndash140locus of 49ndash50 223 (See also

External locus of control)loss of 166manipulatorrsquos need for 56ndash58multi-method 144and need for powersuperiority

55ndash56by negative reinforcement

131ndash136by positive reinforcement

129ndash131by punishment 140ndash141sense of 162ndash163by traumatic one-trial learning

141ndash144in Type A personalities 98 99by victim of manipulator 84

146ndash147 (See alsoCountercontrol)

Control lever(s) 107ndash110fears as 117ndash122gain as 107ndash108loss as 108ndash110needs as 117ndash122shift in 124ndash125 127 130

Cooperativeness 68ndash70Correction of vulnerabilities (see

Debugging guidelines)Countercontrol 3 171ndash176

extraction as 174ndash175in manipulation process 145ndash148resistance as 172ndash174small-scale efforts at 175ndash176See also Resistance tactics


Index

250

Courage 246Criticism fear of 110Crying (as negative reinforcement)

134Cynicism 85

DDating couples tactics of 112ndash114Dawdling 97Debasement 114Debugging guidelines

for approval addiction 224ndash225for blurry sense of identity

228ndash230for external locus of control

232ndash234for fear of anger conflict

confrontation 25ndash227for lack of assertivenessinability

to say no 227ndash228for low self-reliance 230ndash232for need to be nice 220ndash221for people-pleasing 219ndash220for putting others first 221ndash223for ldquoyou are what you dordquo

223ndash224Decision making

by antisocial personalities 100conflict in 201by dependent personalities 92ndash93and low self-reliance 46

230ndash231Defense mechanisms

denial 61ndash62projection 64ndash65of victims 159

Denialby addicts 102as defense mechanism 61ndash62of manipulation 60ndash62 82of victimization 159

Dependent personality disorder92ndash94

Depression 42 163ndash164and locus of control 50in victims 166

Desensitization technique 187ndash193Diagnostic and Statistical Manual

of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV)84ndash85

Dinner at Momrsquos case study 13ndash16239ndash241

Direct control 77Disabling (of manipulations) 52

196ndash198Disease to please 35ndash38 (See also

People-pleasing)Disguise

of manipulation 61of manipulatorsrsquo motives 51ndash52

54ndash55 159Disorders personality (see

Personality typesmanipulative)

Dissatisfaction with relationship161ndash162

Dissonance cognitive 206ndash207Double squeeze case study 24ndash26

243ndash244DSM-IV (see Diagnostic and

Statistical Manual of MentalDisorders)

EEfficacy personal 49Ego-congruent manipulators 58ndash59Ego-incongruent manipulators 60Emotional blackmail 73 91Emotional reasoning 190Emotions

balance of thinking behaviorand 206


Index

251

Emotions (Cont)desensitizing 187ndash193ldquofootprintsrdquo of manipulation on

156in histrionic personalities 94ndash96as indicators of manipulation

121manipulatorrsquos need to control

own 56ndash57in negative reinforcement

134ndash135self-defeating 171toll of manipulation on 157ndash159

Emotophobia 40ndash42 (See alsoNegative emotions fear of)

Empathy lack of 63 87ndash89Entitlement sense of 64 88Entrapment 165ndash167Evocation 77ndash78 82

by borderline personalities90ndash91

by histrionic personalities 96by Type A personalities 99

Expertise (as disguise formanipulation) 61

Exposure fear of 109External locus of control

as area of vulnerability 48ndash50correcting 232ndash234as soft-target thinking 216ndash217

Extraction (from relationship)174ndash175

FFacial expressions (as positive

reinforcement) 129Fact feeling vs 171Failure fear of 109Fear(s)

of abandonment 40of anger 190 225ndash227

Fear(s) (Cont)of conflict 225ndash227of confrontation 225ndash227as control levers 108ndash110

117ndash122desensitizing 187ndash192of negative emotions 40ndash42in negative reinforcement

134ndash135of punishment 141of recognizing victimization

160ndash161of rejection and abandonment 39See also Loss

Feelings (see Emotions)ldquoFingerprintrdquo personality 75ldquoFootprintsrdquo (of manipulation)

156Forgetfulness 97Forward Susan 91Freedom 164Frustration 158 161ndash162

GGain 106ndash107

from compliance 111as control lever 107ndash108

117ndash122in Machiavellianism 85in manipulative process 126ndash127manipulatorsrsquo need for 54ndash55shift to threat of loss from

124ndash125during transition time 116

Gambling schedule 137Game of social domination 65ndash70Gender differences

in antisocial personality disorder100

in dependency 94in Type A personalities 98 99


Index

252

Generosity (as disguise formanipulation) 61

Giftsas control lever 108as positive reinforcement 129

Grandiosity 87Guilt

desensitizing 187ndash192fear of 109as tactic 114ndash115of victims 166

Gullibility 95

HHabituation 189ndash190Hardened target becoming a

205ndash235by altering vulnerable thinking

206ndash207by correcting approval addiction

224ndash225by correcting blurry sense of

identity 228ndash230by correcting external locus of

control 232ndash234by correcting fear of anger

conflict and confrontation225ndash227

by correcting inability to say no227ndash228

by correcting lack ofassertiveness 227ndash228

by correcting low self-reliance230ndash232

by correcting need to be nice220ndash221

by correcting people-pleasingshoulds 219ndash220

by correcting putting others first221ndash223

Hardened target becoming a (Cont)by correcting ldquoyou are what you

dordquo 223ndash224by identifying soft-target

thoughts 217ndash218with journal writing 208ndash210by maintaining hard-target

mind-set 235by recognizing soft-target

thinking 210ndash217by releasing self-defeating

thoughtsbeliefs 207ndash208by replacing soft-target thoughts

234ndash235Health (See Physical health)Helplessness 166

in dependent personalities 9294

learned 50 233ldquoHigh machsrdquo 85ndash87Hillel 246Histrionic personality disorder

94ndash96Hooks for manipulation 117ndash122Hostility 99

fear of 40ndash42from frustration 158 161ndash162

ldquoHurry sicknessrdquo 98

IIdentity sense of (see Blurry sense

of identity)Imbalance of power 162ndash163Implicit agreements 156ndash157Inability to say no


Inefficiency intentional 97Ineptitude 92


Index

253

Inferiority feelings of 55Influence

and locus of control 49manipulation vs 4ndash5 74ndash75social 73ndash74tactics of 73

Inoculation effect 186Insecurity 40Instability

in antisocial personalities 100in borderline personalities 89ndash91

Integrity 74 224Interdependence trust and 70Intermittent reinforcement

136ndash140Internal locus of control 48ndash50

233Intimidation 4ndash5 41

as negative reinforcement 134by Type A personalities 99

Invisibility feeling of 45Irresponsibility 100ndash101Irritability 42 100

JJournal writing 208ndash210

LLabeling the manipulation

193ndash196Lack of assertiveness


Learned helplessness 50 233Learning

basic modes of 128traumatic one-trial 141ndash144See also Reinforcement

Leaving the relationship 174ndash175

LOC (see Locus of control)Location location location case

study 16ndash20 241ndash242Locus of control (LOC) 48ndash50

233 (See also External locus ofcontrol)

Losers winners vs 56 63Loss 106 107


117ndash124in manipulative process 126ndash127shift to threat of 124ndash125during transition time 116

Loveas control lever 108 109as disguise for manipulation 61

Lyingby addicts 102by antisocial personalities 101ldquoBig Lierdquo 144ndash145by manipulators 51ndash52 62 82

161

MMachiavelli Nicolo 85ndash86Machiavellianism 85ndash87Manipulation 105ndash116

control levers in 107ndash110derogatorynegative connotation

of 74ndash75drives underlying 106ndash107evidence of 76goals of 110ndash111influence vs 4ndash5 74ndash75relationships susceptible to

111ndash112rules for dealing with 53ndash54rules for using 123ndash124as social influence 73ndash74


Index

254

Manipulation (Cont)tactics used in 112ndash115vulnerability to 115ndash116

Manipulative relationships 1ndash2149ndash154

altering nature of 3behavior change and loss of 71controlcountercontrol in 2ndash3identification of 150ndash154possibility of change in 203results of participation in 82

Manipulators 73ndash103addicts as 101ndash102agegender of 1antisocial 100ndash101attempts to change 3with borderline personality

disorder 89ndash92common personality types of

78ndash79 84ndash102denial by 82dependent 92ndash94direct control vs evocation by

77ndash78ego-congruent vs ego-incongruent

58ndash60histrionic 94ndash96identifying 76 79ndash82intent of 5lying by 62 82Machiavellian 85ndash87motives of (see Motives of

manipulators)narcissistic 87ndash89passive-aggressive 96ndash98preferred tactics of 4ndash5response to 83ndash84rules for dealing with 53ndash54trying to change 84Type A 98ndash100who lie to themselves 51ndash52

Mechanics of manipulation123ndash148

Big Lie method 144ndash145with gain as lever 123ndash124intermittent or partial

reinforcement 136ndash140with loss as lever 124and manipulation as process

126ndash127methods of control 127ndash144multi-method 144negative reinforcement 131ndash136positive reinforcement 129ndash131punishment 140ndash141shift from gain to loss levers in

124ndash125traumatic one-trial learning

141ndash144and victimrsquos countercontrol

145ndash148Mind-set

of competition vs cooperation69ndash71

hard-target 235 (See alsoHardened target becoming a)

people-pleasing 35ndash38211ndash213 219ndash220

Moneyas control lever 108as positive reinforcement 129

Motives of manipulators 51ndash72asking for clarification of 82ndash83confusion about 159ndash161consciousnessunconsciousness

of 51ndash52denial of 61ndash62disguising 51ndash52and effectiveness of tactics

52ndash53guises cloaked in 51and lying as tactic 62


Index

255

Motives of manipulators (Cont)manipulatorrsquos understanding of

58ndash61need for powersuperiority

55ndash56need to advance own

purposespersonal gain54ndash55

need to feel in control 56ndash58and projection 64ndash65and worldview of manipulators

62ndash64

NNagging 134Narcissistic personality disorder

87ndash89Neediness

of addicts 102of dependent personalities 92 94

Need(s)to be nice 36 40 212 220ndash221

(See also People-pleasing)as control levers 117ndash122of dependent personalities 92ndash94of histrionic personalities 95of manipulators 54ndash58in narcissistic personality

disorder 87of others vs you 36 221ndash223unmet 161 162

Negative emotions fear of 40ndash42Negative reinforcement 131ndash136

139partialintermittent 130punishment vs 140

Negotiation 200ndash202Nice need to be (see under

Need(s))ldquoNordquo inability to say (see Inability

to say no)

OOne-trial learning traumatic

141ndash144

PPartial reinforcement 136ndash140Passive-aggressive personalities

96ndash98Passivity 166Payoff 66People-pleasing

as area of vulnerability 35ndash38correcting 219ndash224and inability to say no 42ndash44and positive reinforcement 130

Permission not asking for 179180

Personal efficacy 49Personal gain (see Gain)Personal integrity 74 224Personal revolution 203ndash204Personality

clues to vulnerability in 34as term 75

Personality types manipulative75ndash102

addictive 101ndash102antisocial personality disorder

100ndash101borderline personality disorder

89ndash92dependent personality disorder

92ndash94exploitation in 75histrionic personality disorder

94ndash96learning to identify 78ndash82and low self-esteem 55Machiavellian 85ndash87narcissistic personality disorder

87ndash89


Index

256

Personality types manipulative(Cont)

passive-aggressive 96ndash98Type A 98ndash100

Persuasion 73Pessimism 166Physical health

and external locus of control 50and hostility 162of Type A personalities 98ndash99

ldquoThe Pigeon Storiesrdquo 136ndash138Playing for time 177ndash182Playing victim (as negative

reinforcement) 134Positive reinforcement 129ndash134

partialintermittent 139punishment vs 140

Postdecisional regret 48Posttraumatic stress disorder

(PTSD) 141ndash142Power

as control lever 108need of manipulators for 55ndash56

Power balance 3 162ndash163and playing for time 178and resistance to manipulation

173Praise


Prisonerrsquos dilemma game 65ndash70Prisonerrsquos dilemma matrix 66ndash67Process manipulation as 123

126ndash127Procrastination 97Projection 64ndash65PTSD (see Posttraumatic stress

disorder)Punishment 131 140ndash141Putting others first 221ndash223 (See

also People-pleasing)

QQuestionnaires

for control levers 118ndash121for identifying manipulative

relationships 150ndash154for vulnerability to manipulation

27ndash32

RRandom choice solution 202Randomized reinforcement 136Rationalization 101Reason (as tactic) 114Reasoning emotional 190Reassurance (as control lever) 108Recognition

as positive reinforcement 129skills in 83

Regression 114Regret postdecisional 48Reinforcement

intermittent 136ndash140negative 131ndash136 139partial 136ndash140positive 129ndash134 139

Rejectionfear of 109hypersensitivity to 90

Relationshipsbased on positive reinforcement

130behavior change and loss of 71change in dynamics of 173evidence of manipulation in 76healthy 81influence vs manipulation in 75leaving 174ndash175manipulative (see Manipulative

relationships)manipulatorsrsquo view of 62ndash63power balance in 3


Index

257

Relationships (Cont)susceptible to manipulation

111ndash112Resentment 164ndash165Resistance tactics 171ndash204

the broken record 182ndash186choosing your battles 202ndash203compromisenegotiation 200ndash202countercontrol 171ndash174desensitizing anxiety fear and

guilt 187ndash192disabling the manipulation

196ndash198extraction 174ndash175labeling the manipulation

193ndash196playing for time 177ndash182setting your terms 198ndash200small-scale efforts 175ndash176steps in resistance 176ndash177See also Hardened target

becoming aRespect

for integrityrights of others 74trust and 70

Responsibilityin antisocial personalities

100ndash101in dependent personalities 92ndash94excessive sense of 38victimrsquos feelings of 158

Revolution personal 203ndash204Rewards

as control levers (see Gain)of positive reinforcement

129ndash131 133ndash134Role endowment (as disguise for

manipulation) 61Role-playing (for resistance)

185ndash186 199Rorschach phenomenon 46

SSafety lack of concern with 100Self sense of (see Blurry sense of

identity)Self-absorption 85Self-approval 224Self-awareness (of manipulators)

58ndash61Self-blame 158 166Self-defeating behavior 138Self-defeating thoughtsbeliefs

207ndash208Self-direction 46ndash47 231Self-esteem

and inability to say no 44and locus of control 232of manipulators 55and self-reliance 47of victims 160 163ndash164

Self-fulfilling prophecy 233Self-image

of dependent personalities 93inflated 87of victimization 166

Self-relianceas area of vulnerability 46ndash48correcting low 230ndash232diminishment of 163ndash164as soft-target thinking 216

Self-respect 163Selye Hans 164September 11 2001 142Setting your terms 198ndash200The Seven Deadly Shoulds 37ndash38Sexual behavior

in antisocial personalities 100as control lever 108 110in histrionic personalities 94ndash96

Shame 109 166ldquoShouldsrdquo 36ndash38 211ndash212

219ndash220


Index

258

Shrewdness 85Silent contracts 156ndash157 193Silent treatment 110 113 134Skinner B F 136Skinner box 136Sleeplessness 42Small-scale steps 175ndash176

203ndash204Social domination game of 65ndash70Social influence 73ndash74Soft-target thinking

alternating 206ndash207approval addiction 213ndash214

224ndash225blurry sense of identity 215ndash216

228ndash230correcting 218ndash234external locus of control

216ndash217 232ndash234fear of anger conflict and

confrontation 214 225ndash227identifying 217ndash218inability to say no 214ndash215

227ndash228lack of assertiveness 214ndash215

227ndash228low self-reliance 216 230ndash232need to be nice 220ndash221people-pleasing 211ndash213

219ndash221 223ndash224putting others first 221ndash223recognizing 210ndash217replacing 234ndash235test for 27ndash32ldquoyou are what you dordquo 223ndash224

Specialness feeling of 64 88Status (as control lever) 108Stress dangers of 164ndash165Stress contagion 100 139ndash140Stubbornness 97

Submissiveness 92ndash94Success concern with 98Sulking 97 134Superiority need of manipulators

for 55ndash56

TTactics of manipulators 4ndash5

112ndash115charm 113coercion 113debasement 114disabling 52effectiveness of 52ndash53 60lying 62reason 114regression 114resisting (see Resistance tactics)silent treatment 113

Tale of two Cindys case study10ndash13 238ndash239

ldquoTellsrdquo 34The 10 Commandments of People-

Pleasing 27Terms setting 198ndash200Terrible teens case study 20ndash24

242ndash243Terrorism 139ndash140 142Therapy cognitive 207ndash208Thinking

altering 206ndash207 (See alsoHardened target becoming a)

appropriate 219balance of behavior emotions

and 206change of behavior before change

in 181ndash182 206 207self-defeating 207ndash208soft-target (see Soft-target

thinking)


Index

259

Threats 4ndash5 124 127Time playing for 177ndash182Transition times vulnerability

during 115ndash116Traumatic one-trial learning

141ndash144Trust 63

expectations of 70in histrionic personalities 95from perception of linked

interests 126in prisonerrsquos dilemma game

68ndash69and projection 65of victims for self 168

Tucker Albert W 65 66Turn-taking 202Type A personalities 98ndash100The Type E Woman (Braiker) 99

UUnconscious manipulation 51ndash52

60 77

VVanishing self 45ndash46 (See also

Blurry sense of identity)Vanity 85Veiled threats 124Victimization self-image of 166Victims of manipulation 155ndash169

characteristic feelings of149ndash150

characteristics reinforced in 4collusion of 2confusion about manipulatorrsquos

motives in 159ndash161countercontrol by 3diminished self-reliancelowerd

self-esteem in 163ndash164

Victims of manipulation (Cont)emotional state of 156emotional toll on 157ndash159frustrationdissatisfaction with

relationship in 161ndash162perception of entrapment in

165ndash167resentmentanger toward

manipulator in 164ndash165resistance by 167ndash169 (See also

Resistance tactics)sense of imbalanced

powercontrol in 162ndash163silent contract between

manipulator and 156ndash157and willingness to lose

manipulative relationships71

Vulnerability 6 27ndash50from addiction to

approvalacceptance 38ndash40alteration of thinking leading to

206ndash207from blurry sense of identity

45ndash46ldquobuttonsrdquo of 33ndash35 166ndash167creating points of 205ndash206from external locus of control

48ndash50from fear of negative emotions

40ndash42as hooks for manipulation

117ndash122from inability to say no 42ndash45from lack of assertiveness 42ndash45from low self-reliance 46ndash48most common circumstances of

115ndash116from people-pleasing

habitsmind-sets 35ndash38


Index

260

Vulnerabilityprotecting areas of 121ndash122seven areas of 34ndash35test for 27ndash32

WWhining 97 134ldquoWho am Irdquo questions 228ndash229Winners losers vs 56 63 68

Worldview (of manipulators)62ndash64 69

YldquoYou are what you dordquo 223ndash224

(See also People-pleasing)

ZZero-sum game life as 56 63


Copyright

Contents

Introduction

1 An Overview of Manipulation





2 Manipulation in Five Acts






3 Are You Vulnerable to Manipulation



4 Your Buttons Are Showing



Button No 2 You Are Addicted to Earning the Approval and Acceptance of Others

Button No 3 You Have ldquoEmotophobiardquomdashFear of Negative Emotions

Button No 4 Lack of Assertiveness and an Inability to Say No




5 Manipulatorsrsquo Motives





What You Can Expect




Summary

6 Who Are the Manipulators in Your Life

Crossing the Line





The Usual Suspects












7 How Manipulation Works


Control Levers




When Are You Most Susceptible to Manipulation

8 What Are our Hooks


Question 2 What Do You Worry About or Fear the Most About Losing


9 The Mechanics of Manipulation







Punishment



The Big Lie


10 Are You in a Manipulative Relationship




11 The Impact of Manipulation


The Silent Contract



Frustration and Dissatisfaction with the Relationship






12 Resistance Tactics


Resistance

Extraction

Small-Scale Efforts










13 How to Make Yourself a Hardened Target





Approval Addiction




Low Self-Reliance









How to Correct Fear of Anger Conflict and Confrontation







14 Final Curtain on Manipulation in Five Acts






Conclusion

Index


Braiker_FM_140278-0 62303 1032 PM Page i






The Type E Woman










0-07-143568-9
































DOI 1010360071435689

ebook_copyright 85 x 11qxd 81203 1209 PM Page 1

Want to learn more




please click here






vii

Contents

Introduction ix















Conclusion 245

Index 247





Introduction






ix









x


Introduction

xi














xii








1

1












2

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18









19













20









21








22











23












24









25








26









27

3


















28
















29
















30











31





32







33

4










34








35









36












needs or problems





37













38









39










40









41









42









43







44









45











46








47








48









49









50







51

5












52












53









54







55







56







57



and mood variations






58








59







60



What You Can Expect









61








62






63







64









65






66


Al


Confess 10 10 20 0

Bobyears years









67


Al

Cooperate Compete


Compete $20 $0 $1 $1








68







69







70


Summary






71





72






73

6







Crossing the Line



74



ulatorrdquo







75








76







77









78








79









80









81








82







83




The Usual Suspects





84









85















86











87












88










89















90








91








92












93










94












95











96








97









98







99










100








101










102







103








105

7










106






Control Levers




107








108








109












110











111









112











stops it)


113












114











115



tainty






116


What Are Your Hooks





117

8











118




What Are Your Hooks

119









120








What Are Your Hooks

121





122







123

9









124






125










126









127










128








129








130







131







132









133








134








135









136








137








138







139




Punishment





140









141








142









143






The Big Lie



144









145








146








147






148







149

10











150















151
















152














153







154






155

11






The Silent Contract




156










157








158









159








160










161









162










163










164









165









166












167









168






169



Resistance Tactics






171

12







Resistance



172






Resistance Tactics

173





Extraction




174





Small-Scale Efforts




Resistance Tactics

175







176








Resistance Tactics

177








178




Thank yourdquo





Resistance Tactics

179













180







Resistance Tactics

181










182









Resistance Tactics

183













184









Resistance Tactics

185








186








Resistance Tactics

187








188







Resistance Tactics

189









190







Resistance Tactics

191









192








Resistance Tactics

193












194








Resistance Tactics

195










196








Resistance Tactics

197










198









Resistance Tactics

199









200










Resistance Tactics

201










202






Resistance Tactics

203





204







205

13









206










207









208











209










210















211





THE NEED TO BE NICE












212


YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO






Approval Addiction







213











angry with me




214
















215




Low Self-Reliance











216













217









218









219













220












221










222











223










224










225












226










227












228













229










230










231









232








233












234








235






237

14










238










239









240










241











242










243








244


Conclusion





245











246


Index

247









Agendas 4Aggression


















Index

248




BBarter 202Behavior





























Christie Richard 85


Index

249
































Index

250


134Cynicism 85






























Index

251























GGain 106ndash107








Index

252



Grandiosity 87Guilt


Gullibility 95































Index

253

























161






Index

254
















145ndash148Mind-set









Index

255






62ndash64


87ndash89Neediness









to say no)


141ndash144













87ndash89


Index

256












173Praise






QQuestionnaires



27ndash32










Index

257







becoming aRespect




















219ndash220


Index

258













for 55ndash56











thinking)


Index

259



141ndash144Trust 63






60 77

























Index

260








Copyright

Contents

Introduction





























What You Can Expect




Summary


Crossing the Line





The Usual Suspects














Control Levers
















Punishment



The Big Lie








The Silent Contract











Resistance

Extraction

Small-Scale Efforts















Approval Addiction




Low Self-Reliance






















Conclusion

Index






The Type E Woman










0-07-143568-9
































DOI 1010360071435689


Want to learn more




please click here






vii

Contents

Introduction ix















Conclusion 245

Index 247





Introduction






ix









x


Introduction

xi














xii








1

1












2








3

Ch01_Braiker_140278-0 62303 1032 PM









4









5









6




7







9

2










10











11







12











13








14









15










16








17










18









19













20









21








22











23












24









25








26









27

3


















28
















29
















30











31





32







33

4










34








35









36












needs or problems





37













38









39










40









41









42









43







44









45











46








47








48









49









50







51

5












52












53









54







55







56







57



and mood variations






58








59







60



What You Can Expect









61








62






63







64









65






66


Al


Confess 10 10 20 0

Bobyears years









67


Al

Cooperate Compete


Compete $20 $0 $1 $1








68







69







70


Summary






71





72






73

6







Crossing the Line



74



ulatorrdquo







75








76







77









78








79









80









81








82







83




The Usual Suspects





84









85















86











87












88










89















90








91








92












93










94












95











96








97









98







99










100








101










102







103








105

7










106






Control Levers




107








108








109












110











111









112











stops it)


113












114











115



tainty






116


What Are Your Hooks





117

8











118




What Are Your Hooks

119









120








What Are Your Hooks

121





122







123

9









124






125










126









127










128








129








130







131







132









133








134








135









136








137








138







139




Punishment





140









141








142









143






The Big Lie



144









145








146








147






148







149

10











150















151
















152














153







154






155

11






The Silent Contract




156










157








158









159








160










161









162










163










164









165









166












167









168






169



Resistance Tactics






171

12







Resistance



172






Resistance Tactics

173





Extraction




174





Small-Scale Efforts




Resistance Tactics

175







176








Resistance Tactics

177








178




Thank yourdquo





Resistance Tactics

179













180







Resistance Tactics

181










182









Resistance Tactics

183













184









Resistance Tactics

185








186








Resistance Tactics

187








188







Resistance Tactics

189









190







Resistance Tactics

191









192








Resistance Tactics

193












194








Resistance Tactics

195










196








Resistance Tactics

197










198









Resistance Tactics

199









200










Resistance Tactics

201










202






Resistance Tactics

203





204







205

13









206










207









208











209










210















211





THE NEED TO BE NICE












212


YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO






Approval Addiction







213











angry with me




214
















215




Low Self-Reliance











216













217









218









219













220












221










222











223










224










225












226










227












228













229










230










231









232








233












234








235






237

14










238










239









240










241











242










243








244


Conclusion





245











246


Index

247









Agendas 4Aggression


















Index

248




BBarter 202Behavior





























Christie Richard 85


Index

249
































Index

250


134Cynicism 85






























Index

251























GGain 106ndash107








Index

252



Grandiosity 87Guilt


Gullibility 95































Index

253

























161






Index

254
















145ndash148Mind-set









Index

255






62ndash64


87ndash89Neediness









to say no)


141ndash144













87ndash89


Index

256












173Praise






QQuestionnaires



27ndash32










Index

257







becoming aRespect




















219ndash220


Index

258













for 55ndash56











thinking)


Index

259



141ndash144Trust 63






60 77

























Index

260








Copyright

Contents

Introduction





























What You Can Expect




Summary


Crossing the Line





The Usual Suspects














Control Levers
















Punishment



The Big Lie








The Silent Contract











Resistance

Extraction

Small-Scale Efforts















Approval Addiction




Low Self-Reliance






















Conclusion

Index









0-07-143568-9
































DOI 1010360071435689


Want to learn more




please click here






vii

Contents

Introduction ix















Conclusion 245

Index 247





Introduction






ix









x


Introduction

xi














xii








1

1












2








3










4

Ch01_Braiker_140278-0 62303 1032 PM








5









6




7







9

2










10











11







12











13








14









15










16








17










18









19













20









21








22











23












24









25








26









27

3


















28
















29
















30











31





32







33

4










34








35









36












needs or problems





37













38









39










40









41









42









43







44









45











46








47








48









49









50







51

5












52












53









54







55







56







57



and mood variations






58








59







60



What You Can Expect









61








62






63







64









65






66


Al


Confess 10 10 20 0

Bobyears years









67


Al

Cooperate Compete


Compete $20 $0 $1 $1








68







69







70


Summary






71





72






73

6







Crossing the Line



74



ulatorrdquo







75








76







77









78








79









80









81








82







83




The Usual Suspects





84









85















86











87












88










89















90








91








92












93










94












95











96








97









98







99










100








101










102







103








105

7










106






Control Levers




107








108








109












110











111









112











stops it)


113












114











115



tainty






116


What Are Your Hooks





117

8











118




What Are Your Hooks

119









120








What Are Your Hooks

121





122







123

9









124






125










126









127










128








129








130







131







132









133








134








135









136








137








138







139




Punishment





140









141








142









143






The Big Lie



144









145








146








147






148







149

10











150















151
















152














153







154






155

11






The Silent Contract




156










157








158









159








160










161









162










163










164









165









166












167









168






169



Resistance Tactics






171

12







Resistance



172






Resistance Tactics

173





Extraction




174





Small-Scale Efforts




Resistance Tactics

175







176








Resistance Tactics

177








178




Thank yourdquo





Resistance Tactics

179













180







Resistance Tactics

181










182









Resistance Tactics

183













184









Resistance Tactics

185








186








Resistance Tactics

187








188







Resistance Tactics

189









190







Resistance Tactics

191









192








Resistance Tactics

193












194








Resistance Tactics

195










196








Resistance Tactics

197










198









Resistance Tactics

199









200










Resistance Tactics

201










202






Resistance Tactics

203





204







205

13









206










207









208











209










210















211





THE NEED TO BE NICE












212


YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO






Approval Addiction







213











angry with me




214
















215




Low Self-Reliance











216













217









218









219













220












221










222











223










224










225












226










227












228













229










230










231









232








233












234








235






237

14










238










239









240










241











242










243








244


Conclusion





245











246


Index

247









Agendas 4Aggression


















Index

248




BBarter 202Behavior





























Christie Richard 85


Index

249
































Index

250


134Cynicism 85






























Index

251























GGain 106ndash107








Index

252



Grandiosity 87Guilt


Gullibility 95































Index

253

























161






Index

254
















145ndash148Mind-set









Index

255






62ndash64


87ndash89Neediness









to say no)


141ndash144













87ndash89


Index

256












173Praise






QQuestionnaires



27ndash32










Index

257







becoming aRespect




















219ndash220


Index

258













for 55ndash56











thinking)


Index

259



141ndash144Trust 63






60 77

























Index

260








Copyright

Contents

Introduction





























What You Can Expect




Summary


Crossing the Line





The Usual Suspects














Control Levers
















Punishment



The Big Lie








The Silent Contract











Resistance

Extraction

Small-Scale Efforts















Approval Addiction




Low Self-Reliance






















Conclusion

Index





0-07-143568-9
































DOI 1010360071435689


Want to learn more




please click here

DOI 5x835 91802 153 PM Page 1





vii

Contents

Introduction ix















Conclusion 245

Index 247





Introduction






ix









x


Introduction

xi














xii








1

1












2








3










4









5









6




7







9

2










10











11







12











13








14









15










16








17










18









19













20









21








22











23












24









25








26









27

3


















28
















29
















30











31





32







33

4










34








35









36












needs or problems





37













38









39










40









41









42









43







44









45











46








47








48









49









50







51

5












52












53









54







55







56







57



and mood variations






58








59







60



What You Can Expect









61








62






63







64









65






66


Al


Confess 10 10 20 0

Bobyears years









67


Al

Cooperate Compete


Compete $20 $0 $1 $1








68







69







70


Summary






71





72






73

6







Crossing the Line



74



ulatorrdquo







75








76







77









78








79









80









81








82







83




The Usual Suspects





84









85















86











87












88










89















90








91








92












93










94












95











96








97









98







99










100








101










102







103








105

7










106






Control Levers




107








108








109












110











111









112











stops it)


113












114











115



tainty






116


What Are Your Hooks





117

8











118




What Are Your Hooks

119









120








What Are Your Hooks

121





122







123

9









124






125










126









127










128








129








130







131







132









133








134








135









136








137








138







139




Punishment





140









141








142









143






The Big Lie



144









145








146








147






148







149

10











150















151
















152














153







154






155

11






The Silent Contract




156










157








158









159








160










161









162










163










164









165









166












167









168






169



Resistance Tactics






171

12







Resistance



172






Resistance Tactics

173





Extraction




174





Small-Scale Efforts




Resistance Tactics

175







176








Resistance Tactics

177








178




Thank yourdquo





Resistance Tactics

179













180







Resistance Tactics

181










182









Resistance Tactics

183













184









Resistance Tactics

185








186








Resistance Tactics

187








188







Resistance Tactics

189









190







Resistance Tactics

191









192








Resistance Tactics

193












194








Resistance Tactics

195










196








Resistance Tactics

197










198









Resistance Tactics

199









200










Resistance Tactics

201










202






Resistance Tactics

203





204







205

13









206










207









208











209










210















211





THE NEED TO BE NICE












212


YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO






Approval Addiction







213











angry with me




214
















215




Low Self-Reliance











216













217









218









219













220












221










222











223










224










225












226










227












228













229










230










231









232








233












234








235






237

14










238










239









240










241











242










243








244


Conclusion





245











246


Index

247









Agendas 4Aggression


















Index

248




BBarter 202Behavior





























Christie Richard 85


Index

249
































Index

250


134Cynicism 85






























Index

251























GGain 106ndash107








Index

252



Grandiosity 87Guilt


Gullibility 95































Index

253

























161






Index

254
















145ndash148Mind-set









Index

255






62ndash64


87ndash89Neediness









to say no)


141ndash144













87ndash89


Index

256












173Praise






QQuestionnaires



27ndash32










Index

257







becoming aRespect




















219ndash220


Index

258













for 55ndash56











thinking)


Index

259



141ndash144Trust 63






60 77

























Index

260








Copyright

Contents

Introduction





























What You Can Expect




Summary


Crossing the Line





The Usual Suspects














Control Levers
















Punishment



The Big Lie








The Silent Contract











Resistance

Extraction

Small-Scale Efforts















Approval Addiction




Low Self-Reliance






















Conclusion

Index

who's pulling your strings? - the eyes pulling... · 2020. 1. 17. · other books by dr....

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