SAMPLE

The death of a baby is heartbreaking and the resulting grief can feel crippling. The death of a child is known to be against the natural order of life; it is a traumatic loss. It is something that is sadly misunderstood and minimized in our society. The world around you continues but you can feel shattered.

The loss of a baby can leave a lifelong impact, but it does not mean that you have to lose yourself or your relationship. It does mean that you need to take the time to acknowledge your pain, seek additional support outside of your home and respect one another’s needs.

Grief is a personal experience that is unique to each individual. Grieving alongside someone is very challenging, and this experience will affect your relationship as a couple. Your bond may be strengthened or strained. Your personal pain and feelings after your loss can be very devastating. Then, watching your partner experience a similar pain can be overwhelming. We often explain this as being on a roller coaster; you’re on the same ride but not always seated together. You are grieving not only the physical loss of your baby but all the hopes and dreams you had envisioned for your baby.

You each had individual dreams for your baby as well as your family. Some of these dreams you may have not even talked about yet. The actual experience of the loss will be different for each of you. You may remember things differently about the pregnancy, the birth, and the time of the loss. There are many milestones ahead that will be missed and can be painful to grieve.

Common reactions from

couples ... *It can be difficult to share your feelings whenyour partner is having a good day but you arehurting or upset.

*Guilt and blame are very common and can beprojected on oneself or one another.

*The need or desire to isolate yourself iscommon.

*The initial feelings and response after your losscan be intense and scary, and can feel out of character.

*Partners often focus on helping their significantother, so they grieve silently or out of the house.

*Partners often go back to work first, where thewell wishes and condolences are often directed to the mom.

*Family and friends try to provide comfort, butthey often do not understand or know what to say.

*Intimacy can be difficult. The need forcloseness and connection may not mean the same readiness for each of you.

Each of you will grieve differently and experience a range of emotions during your grief journey. Grief is something that you express both physically and emotionally. The following are some common emotions and reactions that parents often experience.

What you each need ...

Be Non-Judgmental – You will each grieve differently and neither of you will do it perfectly. Be understanding and accepting of each other. Try not to compare your feelings and reactions to one another. The support you give each other will be the foundation of your healing.

Find Support – It is important to find support outside of your home, family and friends. Remember, those close to you are also grieving so it can be hard for them to best support you.

Take Care of Yourself Physically – Be purposeful in caring for your own physical and emotional needs. It is important to be mindful of how you treat yourself physically while grieving. Sometimes, the unhealthy things in your life are where you may go for comfort, so ask yourself if you are making the best choice for your health. Remember that your hobbies and your habits will be part of your coping mechanisms. If you love yourself it will be easier to be loved by others.

Take Care of Yourself Mentally — When you are grieving and heartbroken it can feel wrong to have moments of joy or happiness. The anger and deep sadness you feel can be so hard to move through or past. Healing requires times of comfort. You deserve comfort, happiness and joy. It is common that the things you enjoyed before your loss are not as comforting now. Try several different things to see what feels helpful to you. For example, taking walks, running, journaling, road trips, music, time with friends, gardening, or volunteering. Have a variety of things that you find helpful to destress. It is good to have things you enjoy indoors and out.

Allow for Time - Time can seem to stand still, and unfortunately it does not make your grief go away. You do not forget your baby and you do not necessarily get over it. You become stronger. You learn to live through the grief. You learn to live your life and still honor and love your baby. In time, you find ways to integrate your baby into your life.

Shock

Disbelief

Denial

Anger

Numbness

Guilt and/or Self Blame

Emotional swings

Sadness

Depression

Anxiety

Headaches

Nausea

Changes in sleep

Confusion

Change in appetite

Fatigue

Sensitivity to noise

Aching arms

Irritability

Yearning

Changes in the needs for intimacy

Changes in your spiritual beliefs

National Share Office 402 Jackson Street St. Charles, MO 63301-3468 P: 800-821-6819 W: www.nationalshare.org E: info@nationalshare.org

SAMPLE

As a Couple… *Be open with one another on how and what

you are comfortable communicating.

*Be accepting of your differences.

*Talk about what is and is not helpful

for you.

*Be patient and honest with one another.

*Remember that grief has no timeline.

*Know that silence does not mean that

someone is not grieving.

*Tell others what you need, or what is not

helpful and be specific.

*If you are not comfortable talking, then

write a letter to each other or to your baby.

*Be conscious of dates or anniversaries that

could trigger your grief.

*Find an activity you can enjoy together.

*Make your relationship a priority.

*Seek support from others: professional

counselors or therapists are very commonly

used, a peer support group, or a spiritual

care provider.

After your loss, you find yourself in the club to which no one wishes they belonged. Your outlook and reactions to other pregnancies and babies will be different. The dates of the birth, death, and even the due date of your baby will always be remembered. Your circle of friends and support may change. Others may not understand the depth of your grief or how to help you. This can lead to others distancing themselves or you feeling that you need to distance yourself. All of these changes that you are experiencing can be overwhelming. Through all of these highs and lows you are still parents. You will always be your baby’s mother and father.

Making Meaning and

Honoring your Baby …

Healing after the loss of a baby can be very challenging. Some parents move through their grief faster than others. This is not an indication of how much you love or wanted your baby. Everyone is unique in their feelings, reactions, and the circumstances surrounding the loss of their baby. In time your pain may become less intense, but your love remains. That love is what drives you to build a connection with your baby. As you move through this journey you will start to see the gifts that your baby has given you, and those that you are now able to give.

If you need additional support and/or resources specific to couple’s grief or the death

of a baby contact the Share office

800-821-6819 www.nationalshare.org

© 2020 Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc. All rights reserved.

Grieving

Together as a

Couple

A brief reference for couples who

have experienced the death of a baby in

pregnancy or in the first few months

of life.