64 BALANCED LIFE issue 94

relationships

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g r A D u A L Ly losing your sanity is a scary

concept, but when it’s your

romantic partner who is

manipulating you into feeling

that way… Well, that’s the

most sinister nightmare of all.

‘gaslighting is a form of

emotional abuse employed by

a person who leads another

to doubt themselves or even

question their sanity,’ says

Durban-based counselling

psychologist rakhi Beekrum.

‘one of the most common

manifestations of gaslighting

You drive me crazY…

G a s l i G h t i n G i s n ’ t j u s t a p l o t d e v i c e f o r h o l ly w o o d

d r a m a s . i t ’ s a r e a l a n d f r i G h t e n i n G f o r m o f a b u s e .

h e r e ’ s h o w t o i d e n t i f y i t, a n d G e t h e l p

in a romantic relationship

is putting the other person

down or defeating their

self-esteem with repeated

negative comments. often

gaslighters also lie or deny

facts, even in the face of

evidence – for example,

insisting they’re not cheating

despite evidence to prove it.’

the unusual name for

this psychological abuse

originates from a 1938 play

and subsequent 1940s movie

adaptations called Gaslight.

the plot centres on a gold-

by jade taylor cooke

digging husband who is

secretly searching for his

wife’s hidden jewels in the

attic every night. In order

to see his way, he turns on

the gaslights in the attic,

which automatically causes

those downstairs to dim

slightly. When his wife

mentions this, he convinces

her she’s imagining things,

thus beginning a process

in which he slowly drives

her mad by undermining her

reality. His end goal is to have

her institutionalised, so he can

control her fortune.

of course, if you began

dating someone who

immediately told obvious

and bald-faced lies, chances

are you may discontinue

the relationship. However,

gaslighting is a lot more

insidious than that. ‘Early on

in a relationship, gaslighting

may be more subtle,’ says

rakhi. ‘one person may

simply deny having made

a particular statement, for

example. However, as the

relationship progresses, the

gaslighting gets more serious,

involving greater fabrications

and the gaslighter even taking

on a victim role.’ At this point,

the gaslighter has discredited

you so completely within the

context of your relationship

that any disagreement or

argument from your side

appears to hold no weight.

And the more you protest,

the crazier you may seem…

speaking of the ‘C’ word,

while gaslighting can occur

between people of any

gender, more often than not,

it’s used against women

because society so easily

accepts the sexist trope of

a woman in a couple going

‘crazy’. ‘It feeds off sexist

stereotypes of women as

crazy, jealous, emotional,

weak or incapable,’ says

Dr Ellen Hendriksen in

Psychology Today. ‘the

same stereotypes are used

to reinforce themselves – an

uninterrupted pattern of

circular logic: “see, another

insecure, emotional woman

we don’t have to listen to.”’ 

THE FALLOUTgaslighting cannot be brushed

off as a case of your partner

•Someone else taking

credit for your work

•Being set up for failure

with unrealistic deadlines

•Unfair and

unwarranted criticism

•Having one’s

abilities undermined

•Being excluded from

conversations, emails

or events

According to Rakhi, gaslighting occurs in the

workplace more often than we realise. ‘It often

involves someone striving for power who is

unable to attain it in a fair, honest manner, and therefore manipulating someone they perceive as a threat,’ she says.

Examples include:

at WorKgasLightiNg

‘playing games’. It’s a form

of abuse and has real and

terrible consequences.

‘A victim of gaslighting

experiences severe stress,’

says rakhi. ‘they doubt their

abilities and their worth due

to repeated messages from

the gaslighter. It damages

your confidence and

self-esteem.’

Like other forms of abuse,

gaslighting is also incredibly

isolating and may cause

someone to remain in an

unhealthy and dangerous

relationship, as they no longer

trust that their natural fear

response is valid. ‘Because

they are used to having their

feelings invalidated by the

perpetrator, a victim of

gaslighting may become

withdrawn and not seek help.

they begin to believe what

the perpetrator says,’ states

rakhi. And this is when the

gaslighter has you right

where they want you –

they almost don’t need to

continue invalidating your

experiences and feelings,

because you’re doing it to

yourself for them.

WHAT MOTIVATES A GASLIGHTER?‘there are various reasons

why someone would gaslight

their partner, but a major one

is that it is a consequence of a

personality disorder – usually

antisocial or narcissistic

personality disorders,’ says

rakhi. ‘these individuals

have a deep-seated need

to control, and seek to

compensate for their innate

insecurity by exerting power

over others.

‘the ones who do this

intentionally may sometimes

enact well-planned schemes

against their partner to cover

up their own wrong-doing.

they project on to others,

blame them, and thus assume

a victim role for themselves.

some may feel the only way

they can feel powerful is to

undermine others.’

SPOT THE RED FLAGSCould you be a victim of

gaslighting? rakhi says these

are the warning signs to look

out for:

•‘Watch out for someone who

lies. Be aware of patterns of

lies that may start subtly but

begin to occur more often.’

•‘Notice how you feel after a

conversation with the person.

If you feel negative and doubt

yourself because of what

they have said, you may be

dealing with a gaslighter.’

•‘Gaslighters’ actions rarely

match their words. they will

often say something and not

follow through, but when

questioned, will deny saying

it in the first place.’

•Notice whether you seem to

doubt yourself more often,

find yourself constantly

apologising, excusing the

gaslighter’s behaviour, feeling

like you’re worthless and

being unhappy most of

the time.’

GET HELP•Become aware. ‘The most

important step,’ says rakhi,

‘is recognising that you are

a victim.’

•Speak up. Discuss your

feelings with someone you

trust and who you know to

be objective. ‘If you cannot

identify a close friend or

family member, consider

speaking to a psychologist

to help you identify whether

your self-doubt is rational,’

says rakhi. ‘they can help

you devise a plan to protect

yourself and escape the

manipulation, and can help

you develop coping skills.’

•Distance yourself from

the gaslighter. If this is not

immediately possible owing

to some financial or logistical

reasons, work on strategies to

distance yourself emotionally.

• Remember that this is not

related to your worth – they

are the problem, not you.