what i learned when i almost died: how a maniac tv producer put down his blackberry and started to...
TRANSCRIPT
Simon&Schuster
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Copyright©2011byChrisLichtAllrightsreserved,includingtherighttoreproducethisbookorportionsthereofinanyformwhatsoever.ForinformationaddressSimon&SchusterSubsidiaryRightsDepartment,1230AvenueoftheAmericas,NewYork,NY10020.
FirstSimon&SchusterhardcovereditionMay2011
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DesignedbyNancySingerManufacturedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica10987654321
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataLicht,Chris.
WhatIlearnedwhenIalmostdied:howamaniactvproducerputdownhisBlackBerryandstartedtolivehislife/ChrisLicht.—1stSimon&Schusterhardcovered.
1.Licht,Chris.2.Televisionproducersanddirectors—UnitedStates—Biography.I.Title.
PN1992.4.L45A32011
791.4502’33092—dc22
[B]
2011011244
ISBN978-1-4516-2767-1
ISBN978-1-4516-2768-8(ebook)
Tomyfamily—whomakelifeworthliving
Contents
Prologue:TheKillerProducer
ChapterOne:TheEvent
ChapterTwo:TheLittleAnchor
ChapterThree:AMigraineGuy
ChapterFour:CaptainIntense
ChapterFive:FreeFall
ChapterSix:TheSuperheroes
ChapterSeven:TheDoctor
ChapterEight:Jenny
ChapterNine:AJacket
ChapterTen:AKiss
ChapterEleven:TheCaller
ChapterTwelve:AHeadinaLap
ChapterThirteen:AnAngryMan
ChapterFourteen:AWalkandaLunch
ChapterFifteen:Back
ChapterSixteen:OntheDeck
ChapterSeventeen:TheMeaningofTime
ChapterEighteen:SoZen
Acknowledgments
WhatILearned
WhenIAlmostDied
prologue
TheKillerProducer
Lately,ifIhappentobelookingthroughmyaddressbookforaphonenumber,I’mapttostopwhenIcomeacrossthenameofsomeoneIhaven’tbeenintouchwithforawhile.Afriend,maybe,oranacquaintance.WhenIdo,I’mlikelytofireoffane-mailwithnomorelengthorgravitasthanthis:
Hey,howyoubeen?
Thegestureisasmallone,butIdidn’tusedtodothis.Daysthatwerefilledwiththepressureandcrisesofrunninganationalcabletelevisionprogramhadlittleroomforcasualnicety.IfIwasn’tinthecontrolroomproducingit,Iwasinmyofficethinkingabouthowtoproduceit.Ifthetalentwasunhappy,I’dletitgnawatmygut.Ifsomebodyscrewedup,Icouldgoofflikearoadsidebomb,inafingersnap.Iknewthis.Buttheshowsoconsumedmethatitcouldn’tbemerelyacceptable.Ithadtobegreat.Ihadambitions.Ihadtobethekillerproducer.
Thenoneday,withnowarningwhatsoever,Ibecamescarysickinarandomandhard-to-figureway,giventhatIwasnotevenfortyyearsold.MostpeoplewiththemedicalemergencyIhaddonotemergefromtheexperiencephysicallyintact,iftheyemergeatall.Weekslater,myhealthrestored,Iwentbacktowork,andwaseagerandhappytodoso.Illnesshadn’tscaredmeintosomebiglifemakeover.IhadnourgetosurrendermyspotinthefastlaneforownershipofaB&BinVermont.
Butseriousillnesshadrecalibratedme.Ithadbroughtatroveofknowledge,asifIhadinvoluntarilypaidapainfultuitionforaneliteeducation.Itwasaboutlettinggoofmyfears.ItwasaboutwhatIcouldcontrolandwhatIcouldn’t,andhowpeoplefeltaboutme,reallyfeltaboutme.Itwasabouthowtousetime.ItwasevenaboutJoeBiden,thevicepresidentoftheUnitedStates.
Itwouldbenice,Ithought,ifeveryonecouldgettheeducationIhadgotten
withouthavingtonearlydie.
SoIdecidedtowriteabook.
chapterone
TheEventThemanwhowouldbecomemyneurosurgeondoubtsthatabraincanmakeanoise.Minedid.I’msureofit.Onacool,partlycloudyspringdaynotlongafternineinthemorning,mybrainwentaudible,emittingapopfromdeepwithin,notaloudone,morelikeaballoonhadbeenprickedinthedistance.
Nowcamesomethingelse.Itwasasifaglassofwaterhadtippedupthereandspilleditscontents;onlythisdidn’tfeellikealiquid,justasensationofmovementinside,fromthebackofmyheadtowardthefront.Nowsomeoneclampedavisearoundmyskull.Nowsomeonetightenedthevisewithsadisticgusto,evidentlystrivingforapainnumbersofarabovetenitwouldmeritaGuinnessentry.
Mybody’sinventivenessandthespeedofitstransformationwerebewildering,anddarklyimpressive.Inthetimeittakestolistentoavoicemail,whichiswhatIhadbeendoing,ithadmusteredaviciousheadache.Iwashavingauniqueevent,whichInormallyenjoy.Olympics?Workedseveral,lovedthem.SuperBowls,WorldSeries,nationalpoliticalconventions,A-listreceptions,bookparties,moviescreenings,allcool.This,absolutelynot.
Iwassuddenlyinthebizarrepositionofthinkingaboutwhatwasgoingwrongwiththethingdoingmythinking.Mybrainwastryingtodiagnoseitsownmalfunction.
Wasthisastroke?
Inanytelevisionproducer’scareer,especiallyifhecomesupthroughlocalnews,heusuallydoesenoughstoriesabout“StrokeAwarenessMonth”orsimilarcausesthathecomestoknowthewarningsignsbyheart.Idid.Irandownthelist.
Fingersmovable?
Yes.
Visionblurred?
No.
Wordsslurred?
“There’salotoftraffic,”Isaid.
Soundedsmooth.
Isaidthistotheonlyotherpersonaround,thedriverofablackCadillacEscaladeintowhoserearseatIhaddroppedafewminutesbefore,backinmyhealthyera.
Everythingseemedtobeworkingproperlyexcept,ofcourse,myhead.IknewwhereIwas,onMassachusettsAvenueinWashington.Iknewwhenitwas,Wednesday,April28,2010.Soitseemedreasonabletoconcludetomorrow’snewspaperwouldnotfeatureanobituarynotingthepassingofMSNBC’sChristopherA.Licht,38,husbandofJennyandfatherofAndrew,twentymonths.
Whichwascomforting,butthisstillreally,reallyhurt.
Intheminutesprecedingthepop,Iwasfine.Ihadneverbeenanaddict,neverhadsurgery,neverbeenrushedtoanemergencyroom,needednomedications,wasnotoverweight,hadexcellentbloodpressure,neversmoked,wasfilledwithenergyandconfidence.Stress?Nodoubttherewasstress.Iwasinlivetelevision,from6to9A.M.Eastern,fivedaysaweek,astheexecutiveproducerofashowcalledMorningJoe.Everybodyintelevisionhasstress.Themediumoverflowswithitsingredients.Money.Egos.Instantratings.Constantdeadlines.ButIthrivedonbeingMJ’sexecutiveproducer.
Havingruledoutstroke,Iwasoutoftheories.Iabandonedvoicemailanddialedforhelp.Nottomywife,becausetellingheraboutthevisegrippingmyheadwithoutknowingwhyitwasdoingsowouldupsetherwithoutofferingsolace.Jennyhasnomedicalbackground;likeme,she’sintelevision.AndshewasinNewYorkCity,wherewelive,andcouldhardlyswingbyinafewminutestocommiserateinthebackofthisSUV.IcalledDad.
PeterLichtisadoctor,aninternist.Heandmymother,Susan,whoisaphysician’sassociate,workinthesamemedicalofficeandstillliveinthehouseinConnecticutwhereIgrewupwithmysister,Stephanie.Untilnow,IhadnevercalledeitherparentaboutamedicalemergencythatImyselfwassuffering.ButDadisamanofnobullandnodrama,andhenevercoddlesandneveroverreacts.Once,inmyteens,atcampinFlorida,Itookatumblewhilebarefootwaterskiinganddamagedaneardrum.Alocaldoctorprescribedmajorpainmeds,reallyseriousstuff.Daddeclaredthiswasnonsense,taketwoaspirin.Ifmysuper-headachewasnothing,he’dsayso.Ifitwassomething,he’dsaythat.
Daddidn’tanswerhiscell.Icalledthehouse.
MomwassurprisedIwasinWashingtonbecausemostlywe’reinNewYork,at30RockefellerCenter,30Rock.ButWashingtoniswhereournationkeepsitsnationalpoliticiansandpoliticsisMJ’smétier,sowetaketheshowthereoften.Notthirtyminutesearlier,wehadwrappeduptheday’sversionandtheEscaladehadstartedbacktomyhotelfromNBC’sWashingtonbureau.Theshow’shosts,MikaBrzezinskiandJoeScarborough,wereofftoaspeech.
“Something’swrongwithme,”IsaidtoMom.
Idescribedthesensations.Shewasmildlyconcerned.Aswellasanyone,sheknewIwasneversick.
“Itprobablywouldn’thurttogotothehospital.”
Shegotasecondcallfrommeafewminuteslater.
“Igottatellyou,myneckisstartingtogetstiff.”
Iwasbeginningtohavetroublemovingmyheadinanydirection,inadditiontohavingpain.Icouldn’tevenleanitagainsttheseat.Mombecamemoreinsistent.
“Ithinkyoushouldgotothehospital.”
Fiveminuteslater,itwasDadcalling.
“YouneedtogototheemergencyroomandyouneedtogetaCATscan,andI’mtellingyouthatwhenyougetthere,youneedtotellthemyoudonotgetheadachesandthisistheworstheadacheofyourlife.”
Hewasnotpanicked,becauseheneveris.Hewasfirm.
“Okay,good,”Isaid.
Myresponsemusthavebeentoocasual.
“Saythattome,”hesaid.“Youdonotgetheadachesandthisistheworstheadacheofyourlife.Saythatexactly.”
“Idonotgetheadachesandthisistheworstheadacheofmylife.”
“Callmewhenyouknowwhat’sgoingon.”
Daddidn’tsuspectanythingspecific;norwasheterriblyworried.Afterall,Iwasconsciousandcoherent.WhathewantedwasthatCATscan,becausethatwouldbeharddata,notaguessorasupposition.Asforhispointedinstructiontosay“nevergetheadaches”and“worstofmylife,”Ididn’tknow,anddidn’task,butthatisaninformalcodewithinthemedicalprofession.AnydecentemergencyroomwouldinterpretthephrasestomeanIwasnotahabitualcomplainer,Iwasinthemidstofsomethingrare,payattention,givemeaCATscan.
HavingvisitedWashingtonsooften,IknewwhereIwantedtogo—GeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospitalintheneighborhoodknownasFoggyBottom.TheytookPresidentRonaldReagantherewhenhewasshotin1981,agoodenoughendorsementasfarasIwasconcerned.Anditwasashortdistancefrommyhotel.Inallprobability,theywouldgivemesomethingtoknockdownthepainandIwouldcyclebacktomyroomandgetonwiththeday.Therewasanothershowtomorrowtoprepfor,becausetherealwaysisanothershowtoprepfor,andtherewasablack-tiedinnerthatnightfeaturingBillClintonandBono.MikaandJoewerethehosts.Iwasgoing.
Nothingtraumatichadmarredmylifetothatmoment,andtherewasnoreasontothinkthestreakwouldend.Job,wife,kid,health,allgood.Pessimismwasnotmydefaultposition.Setbackhappenedtotheotherguy,notme.
“CanwegototheGWemergencyroom?”Isaidtothedriver.
Wewerealreadyheadedinthatdirection.ButwhilethebusiestpartofmydayhadendedwhenMJdid,thebusiestofWashington’swasstillunfolding.Trafficwasthick.Thiswasbad.Myheadwasbeingsqueezedwithoutintermission,and
nowthelandscapewasonlycrawlingpast.Here’stheNationalCathedral.Here’sRockCreekPark.Here’sabunchofembassies.Atonepoint,weinchedpastthegroundsoftheU.S.NavalObservatory,thevicepresident’sofficialresidence.Inacoupleofhours,itsoccupantandIweregoingtohaveabond.
BynowIhadnewsensations.Myheadwaspulsingwitheachheartbeat,andeachpulsemadethehurtworse.MystomachwasnauseousandIwastryingmightilynottothrowup.Iwassweating.Atsomepoint,Iaskediftherewereanyshortcuts,buttherewerenone.
Istilldidn’tenvisionthehorrible,likedisabilityordeath,andwasn’thavinganguishedthoughtsaboutJennyandAndrew.ButIwantedtogettothehospitalandbegivensomethingtomakethepainevaporate.Itwasmakingconcentrationsodifficultthatlisteningtomorevoicemailsormakingmorecallswasimpossible.
Finally,werolleduptothestonefacadeofGeorgeWashington.Itoldthedrivertowait,becauseIsuspectedIwouldbebackmomentarily,andIgingerlytookmyheaduptwoflightsofsteps,throughthepedestrianentranceoftheemergencyroom,toacounterwhereawomansat.Shewasthe“GreetTech.”
“I’mhavingarealproblemhere,”Isaid.
GreetTechsaidsomethingnoncommittal,like“yup.”Myfather’swordsfoundmylips.
“Idonotgetheadaches,Inevergetheadaches,andI’mhavingtheworstheadacheofmylife.There’ssomethingverywrongwithme.AndIneedtoseesomebodynow.”
GreetTechcametolife.Sheknewthecode,evenifIdidn’t.
“Ibelieveyouareintherightplace,”shesaid.
Shewantedidentification.Therewereforms.
Then,Isat.
Thereceptionareawasnotempty.Decadespassed.Myhandscradledmyheadandtherearosefrommeakindoflowmoan,an“ahhh,”becauseIsincerelyhurt,
andifthatdrewalittleattention,great.Itwasactuallyonlyminutesbeforetheybeckonedmetoatriagecubicle,whereanursecheckedmyvitalsandfoundthemnormalexceptforbloodpressure,whichstoodat159over107.
Theydroppedmeinawheelchairandrolledmethroughdoubledoorsandintotheheartoftheemergencyroom,toasmallexaminationbaythatwasallfluorescenceandmonitoringequipment.Iknewsuchbays.I’dbeentoERsasakidwithDad,sometimesplayfullyhookeduptoEKGsbythenurses.
Mybaywascurtainedintohalves,frontandback,andeachhadabedwithwheelsandrails.Theyrolledmetotheback,makingmethepatientinC2B.PatientC2A,awoman,seemedtohavefallenduringafootracethatmorning.Ineverdidgetthestory.Theytoldmetogetundressed,putononeofthosehautecouturehospitalgowns,andputmystreetclothesinaclear,plasticbag.
NowIrememberedthatnotasoulbeyondtheconfinesofthehospitalknewwhereIwas.
DadandMomhadtoldmetogettoanemergencyroom,buttheydidn’tknowwhichoneI’dchosen.NobodyatMorningJoeevenknewIwashavingamini-nightmare.Jennydidn’t.Thingshadunraveledsoquickly.Ithadn’tevenbeenanhoursincetheshowended.At9:59A.M.,IsentatexttoMikaBrzezinskiattheMarriottWardmanParkhotel,thesiteofherandJoe’sspeech.
Ineratgw
Gotexcruciatingandsuddenpaininhead
Scared—gettingcatscan
WillcallwhenIcan
Iwasn’tscared,really.Thewordwasonlymeanttogetherattention.JoeandMikaneededtoknowtheirexecutiveproducerwasgoingtobeoutoftouchandthereasonwasn’ttrivial.Butmygoalwasn’ttoheraldahugepersonalemergency.Everythinginmypastsaidthiswouldbeabriefsuspensionofduty.TheEPwouldbegettingoutofGeorgeWashington.
chaptertwo
TheLittleAnchorThereoncewasaboywithacamerainahouseonasylvanhillinConnecticut.
Iwaseleven.ThecamerawasaclunkyoldVCRsortbecausethiswas1983.IsetitupinthebasementTVroom,whereIhadadesk,andonthedeskIputamicrophoneonatinystand.
Eachweek,Iwouldwriteascriptandputonmytweedsportcoat,adressshirtandatie,butnodressslacks,becausethecamerawouldshowmeonlyfromthewaistup,sounderpantswereokay.Myhairwasoftenanunrulymop,butineveryotherwayIwasthemature,authoritativepreteenhostofTheWeekinReview,theleadingandonlyshowontheWBCtelevisionnetwork,whichIownedandallofwhoseviewerswerenamedLicht.
Theshowwasthorough,coveringnationalandinternationalnews,localitems,sports,obits,weather,andpopculture.Sometimesitfeaturedmysister,Stephanie,whowasnearlythreeyearsyoungerandreluctant,orI’dbringinDadformedicalreportsandsportscommentary.(Hewasversatile.)IfStephaniescrewedupordidn’ttaketheshowseriously,thehostcouldgetmiffed.Attimes,Ihadtobribeherforanappearanceortoworkthecamera,onceofferingaVelcroMichaelJacksonwallet.MomandDadstillhavetheshowtapes.
Anchor:
Forsomepeople,theworldisjustonebigfuzzything.LetTheWeekinReviewfocusitinforyou.(Thescreenimagemorphsfromhazyandindistincttoaknife-sharpmapofthesevencontinents.)
We’llbebackrightafterthesemessageswithwhywehavetwofeetofsnowontheground.(Cuttocommercials,realonesIhadtapedoffTVandsplicedin.)
ThisisChrisLichtspeaking.Joinusnextweek.(Runcredits.)
Itwasn’tacoincidencethatmynetwork’snamewasoneletterawayfromNBC.IlovedNBC.WhenIwaslittle,theLichtstookthe30Rocktour,andourgaggleofthebug-eyedwastakenintoastudio,wherethetourguidesaskedforvolunteerstoplayJohnnyCarsonandEdMcMahon.Upwentmyhand.TheymademeJohnnyandmadesomeolderguyEd,putusinchairs,andgaveusascripttoread.Theolderguywasterrible.Iwassogoodmyownmothercouldn’tbelieveit.IhadJohnnydowncold.
OnesummerwhenIwasnineorso,werentedacondoonMartha’sVineyard.CarlSternwasrentingnearby.CarlwasanNBCstar,coveringtheU.S.SupremeCourtandtheJusticeDepartment,winningnumerousawards.MomsaysIstucklikegluetotheguy.Aboutamonthafterwegotbackfromvacation,thephonerangatourhouse.
Dadpickedup.
ItwasCarlStern.
“JustreturningChris’scall.”
OntheVineyard,Carlhadgivenmehisnumber,probablysecureinthethoughtthatnonine-year-oldwouldactuallycallaleadingnationaltelevisioncorrespondent.ButIdid,becauseIfeltCarlandIhadmuchtodiscuss,beinginthesamebusiness.IusedtocallSueSimmons,too,oneoftheanchorsofWNBC–NewYork’seveningnews.IcalledSuealot,enoughtobecomeknowntoheras“ChrisfromConnecticut.”MomsaysIoncetoldSue,“I’mgoingtoworkforNBConeday.”(Yearslater,mywifeworkedwithSueatWNBC,andmentionedtoherthatshewasdatingsomeoneSueknew,someonewhousedtotelephoneherasakid.“ChrisfromConnecticut?”Suesaid.)
Asmychildhoodfascinationwithbroadcastinggrew,Ipicturedmyselfassomekindofnetwork“talent,”ananchorperhaps,certainlyareporter,apersonontheair.WhenIwentofftoSyracuseUniversitytostudybroadcasting,Stephaniehandwrotealetterassuringherbigbrother,You’regoingtobeinTomBrokaw’sseatoneday.
Imighthavehadthevoiceforit.Intheweehoursonweekendsduringhighschool,IearnedfourdollarsanhourasaDJonafifty-thousand-wattrockstationthatblanketedConnecticut.Thismademeabitofacelebrityamongmypeers,especiallyfemale,andI’ddedicatesongstomybuddieswhowereout
doingwhatmorenormalteenagemalesdidonweekendnights,whichwashangout.Ifyouhadbeenlistening,mybestfriendMarcNespolisays,youwouldhaveassumedfromthedulcetpipesthatI“wasthirty,noteighteen.”
AftergraduatingfromSyracuse,IsettledinAllentown,Pennsylvania,tocommencemytelevisionnewsascent.Thejobthere,workingforacompanythatproducedandsoldmedicalstoriesthattelevisionstationscouldairastheirown,wasinstructiveanddecent.ButlifeinAllentownwasslowdeathinobscurity.
SowhenafriendsuggestedImovetoLosAngelestohelpwithhisproductioncompany,Ileapedatthechancetoworkfornothing,whichiswhattheypaidmeforthefirstcoupleofmonths.Intime,IwasworkingonatelevisionpilottwofloorsabovethenewsroomofKNBC,thelocalNBC-ownedstation,andIwouldhangoutdownthere,doingresearchifasked.Ilikedtheenergyofanewsroom.AndthereIgottoknowJeffKaufman.
Inthesummerof1995,JeffwastheexecutiveproducerofanightlyprogramaboutthetrialofoneOrenthalJamesSimpson,whowaschargedwiththeknifemurdersofhisex-wifeandafriendofhers.Withitsthreadsofsex,race,violence,andpolicebias,theO.J.trialwasbig.Youmighthaveheardofit.Jeff’slivehalf-hourprogramrecappedeachday’stestimony,beginningat7:30P.M.Oneday,heaskedifIwantedafull-timejobasoneoftheshow’swriters.
Ididn’tknowhowtowritetelevisioncopy,butthatwasaminormatterIkepttomyself.Thiswasabigshowinabigcityaboutbignews.Iaccepted.JeffbutcherednearlyeverysentenceIwroteduringmyearlydays,andIgotschooled.
TheO.J.showwassupervisedeachnightbyacertainlineproducer,exceptonWednesdays,whenheleftearlytoteachacollegeclass.Hewoulddesignateawritertositinhischairduringtheshow,whichwasnotasbigariskasitsounds,becausethetrialalwaysendedatfive,givingusplentyoftimetoprepareforseven-thirtybeforeheleft.TobeLineProducerforaDaywasababysittingjob,ajudgment-freeexercise,soeasythatoneeveningtheygavethechoretome.
Then,at6:15P.M.,withthelineproducernowgoneandJeffoffthatday,theFuhrmantapeswerereleased.
MarkFuhrmanwasadetectivewiththeLosAngelesPoliceDepartmentwhoinvestigatedtheO.J.case.Heiswhite.Simpsonisblack.Fuhrman’sracial
attitudeswereamajorpartofthedefense’scasebecauseSimpson’slawyersbelievedthepolicewereprejudicedagainsttheirclient.Fuhrmanhadswornincourtheheldnoracialanimusandhadn’tusedthewordniggerinadecade.
Butduringtapedinterviewsinrecentyearswithawriterdevelopingascreenplayaboutpoliceofficers,Fuhrmanhadusedthatverywordseveraldozentimes,andnowthecourthadreleasedsomeofthetapes,whichthejurywouldbeallowedtohear.
Thatdetonatedourscript.Therehadtobearewrite.AcameracrewhadtoscrambletogettothehomeofFredGoldman,thefatherofNicoleSimpson’smurderedfriend,sowecouldgethisreactiontothisdevelopmentthatwassodamagingtotheprosecution’scase.Thatevening’sprogramwouldbenobabysittingaffair.Iwasincharge,me,agetwenty-three,trainingwheelsstillonand,atthatmoment,terrified.
WithmajorhelpfromanotherwriterwhomIthanktothisday,theoverhaulofthescriptcametogether.ButwouldthecameracrewgettoFredGoldman’splaceintime?Theshowbegan.ThecrewarrivedatGoldman’s.Itbegansettingup.Fiveminutesleftintheshow.Three.There!WewentlivefromtheGoldmanhome,withtwominutestospare.
TheadrenalinerushwasnothinglikeIhadeverfelt.Theshowwassogoodthatwhenwehadfinished,thenewsdirectorwantedtothankthebrilliantsoulwhohadledtheeffort.HerefusedtobelieveitwastheSyracusekid.Infact,hewasannoyedIhadbeenputinchargeinthefirstplace.
Thatnightchangedeverything.NomoreTomBrokaw.Nomoreaimingtobeinfrontofacamera.
IknewinstantlythatthefeelingofcontrolandcreationIhadexperiencedmademehappy.Ilikedsculptingthechaos.TohaveavisionandseeitbroadcastonTV,well,therewasnothingbetterthanthat,Ithought.Beingon-airtalentcouldnotpossiblybeaswonderful,becauseyouonlycommandthesliceofthewholeinvolvingyou.Beingaproducermeanthavingtheentireshowinyourhands.
Weallwenttoarestaurantandgotdrunktocelebrate.
ProducingwaswhatIwanted.
chapterthree
AMigraineGuyNotlongaftermytextenteredcyberspaceonitswaytoMikaBrzezinski,adoctorcametomycubicleintheemergencyroomofGeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospitalandaskedmetoholdoutmyarms,pushmyfistsagainstherhands,andothertaskstodiscernwhethermyverydisagreeablebrainwasstillinclearcommunicationwiththerestofme.Shewascalm,ifdetached.
“Look,you’renotexhibitinganysignsofanythingneurologicallywrongwithyou,”shesaidafterafewminutesofthis,“andIthinkwhatyou’reexperiencingisastressmigraine.Doyouhaveastressfuljob?”
ItoldhermyjobatMJ.Itwasprettyclearshehadneverheardoftheshow.
“Well,we’regoingtogetyousomethingforthepain,andthenwhenIcomeback,I’mgoingtogiveyousometipsonhowtomanageyourstress.”
“SoI’mnotgoingtogetaCATscan?”
“No,youdon’tneedaCATscan.”
Amigrainemadesense.Mynauseahadfaded,andtherewerenoothersymptoms.Nofever,andnothingwasnumb,immobile,orweak.Andmigrainescanbeextremelydiscomforting,andIcertainlywasextremelydiscomforted.Amigrainethismustbe.
Thesatisfactionofadiagnosiswastemperedalmostimmediatelybytheknowledgethatmigrainesarenotone-and-done.Intime,there’sanother,thenanother,nowandforever.Howannoying,Ithought.I’mnowamigraineguy.Whowantsmembershipinthisclub?
Thedoctorleft.Butsoonawomaninablackpoloshirtcamein.Theshirthadwritingontheback,likeTRAUMATEAMorTRAUMAUNIT,Ican’tremember.Anentirelydifferentaurasurroundedher,oneofgreaturgency.She
ranthroughsimilarneurologicaltests.IwouldsoonbealeadingAmericanauthorityonthosetests.
“Mr.Licht,”shesaid,“I’mgoingtogiveyouashotforthepain.Thenwe’regoingtotakeyoudownandgetyouaCATscan.”
Ireadnothingintoit.Theyweremerelybeingsafeabouttheirmigrainehypothesis.Anyway,Dadhadsaidtogetascan,sothiswasgood.
WhatIdidn’tknowwasthatthedoctorinchargeofthemorningshiftintheemergencyroomhadbeentoldthemigrainediagnosisforthepatientinC2Bandthoughtmyproblemmightbesomethingelse.WithanypatientintheER,thesupervisor’sjobistoconsidertheworstpossibilities,andshewastroubledbytheswift,devastatingonsetofmypain.Shewantedmoretestsandhadorderedanursetomyroomwithpainmedication.
BlackPologavemetheshot.NowdownthehallIwenttogettheCATscan,whichtooknotimeatall,andnowbackIcametoC2B.Itwasnearly11A.M.
Inthemidstofallthis,atexthadarrivedonmyBlackBerry.
ShallIcallJenny?
ItwasMika.ButIwasnolongertetheredtomyphone.Ihadturneditoffanddumpeditintotheplasticbagwithmyclothes,asignofjusthowawfulmyheadwasfeeling,becauseIneverputmyselfoutofreachoftheknownworld.Normally,Mr.BlackBerryandIwereconjoinedtwins.
Mikagotnoreply.
Shetextedagain,aminutelater.
IamsendingLouis.AndtellingJoewhenhegetsoffstage.Weneedtohearfromyouorwewillbethere.
Again,silence.
AttheMarriottWardmanPark,whereJoewasabouttostarthisspeech,Mikahadnotreadmyinitialtextasconveyingaminor,ifsomewhatunusual,problem.Shehastremendousinstinctsaboutsituationsandpeopleandhadgottenadark
feelingfrommytext,whichonlygotdarkerwhenshereceivednoanswertohers.Shedidn’ttellJoe;hewasabouttotakethestage.
“Louis,Ithinkwehaveaseriousproblem.”
LouisBurgdorf,whomoreorlesspummeledmeintohiringhimafterhegraduatedfromcollegeacoupleofyearsago,isMika’sandJoe’spersonalaide,andheisusuallyattheirsidewhentheymakeanappearance.
“I’llstaywithJoe,”shetoldhim.“We’lldothespeech.Iwantyoutogotothehospital.”
Andnow,arideontheWashingtonMetrolater,hecamedownahalloftheemergencyroomasIstoodtherewaitingtouseabathroom.Seeinghimwasabigcomfort.Migrainediagnosisornot,thiswasnofun.
WhenwegotbacktoC2B,Iclimbedaboardmyhospitalbedandperchedthereinmygoofygown,whichwasnotwhatIwaswearingwhenLouislastsawmeearlierintheday.Hewasconcernedthattherewerenonurses,doctors,ortechnicians,andthatIwasinsuchdistressandlookedsopale.
“Myheadhurts,”Itoldhim.“Youdon’tknow.Ifeellikesomeone’sstabbingme.”
Toillustrate,Iranmyfingertipsfromthefrontofmyheadtotheback.
NowLouis’sphonewasgettingshortMikabursts.
Whatishappening?
Haveyouheardanything?
WhereisChris?Hasheseenadoctor?
????
WhetherornotImentionedthemigrainediagnosistoLouis,Ican’tremember.There’salotaboutthatdayIcan’tremember.Buttherewasn’tmuchdefinitivetotelltheoutsideworldinanycase.WewerestillawaitingmyCAT-scanresults,evenifIstillthoughtIhadnothingbutamigraine.IdidaskLouistocallJenny
inNewYork,becausetalkingtohermyselfseemedtorequirefarmoreclarityandconcentrationthanIwaslikelytohave.
Minutespassed.Moreminutespassed.ItseemedasifthehospitalhadforgottenaboutC2B.Inreality,gettingaCATscanevaluatedanduploadedtoahospital’scomputersystemcantaketime,dependingonthedemandandtheseverityofthecaseswithintheemergencyroom,which,atGeorgeWashington,hasthreedozenpatientcubicles.Itsemergencyroomseesseventy-twothousandpatientsayear,nearlytwohundredaday,thesecondgreatestvolumeinWashington.
Atlast,adoctorcamein.
Anewone.
chapterfour
CaptainIntenseOnApril3,2007,theUniversityofTennesseedefeatedRutgersUniversitytocapturetheNCAAwomen’sbasketballchampionship,andthenextmorningDonImusdeclaredonhisnationalradioshowthatthelosingteam’splayers,mostofthemAfrican-American,weretattooed,rough,“nappy-headedhos.”HisCBSshowdiedashorttimelater.
Imus’ssuicide-by-slurleftMSNBC,thecablenetwork,withaGrandCanyoninitsmorninglineup.EventhoughImushadworkedforCBSradio,hehaddonehisshowatMSNBC’sstudiosinSecaucus,NewJersey,enablingthenetworktosimulcastit,aseasyawaytofillthreehoursasthereis.Nowhewasgone,butthethreehoursremained,waitingtobefilledby...Nobodyknew.
Onarainyafternooninthemidstofthisuncertainty,asIworkedinmyapartmentinNewYork,intheroomthatwouldbecomeAndrew’safterhewasbornthefollowingyear,JoeScarboroughcalled.
“ThisImusstuffiscrazy,”hesaid.
Atthetime,weweredoingScarboroughCountry,anightly,hour-longcollectionofpoliticsandpopcultureinprimetimeonMSNBC.Itsfutureseemeduncertain,becausethenetworkwasstartingtoslantleftwardintheeveningsandJoeisaconservativeformerRepublicancongressmanfromPensacola,Florida.
“I’vejustsentyouaPDF,”hesaid,“andIwanttodothis.”
ThePDFattachmenttohise-mailcontainedaproposalforauniquenewsshowthatwouldslideintothevacantImusslot.Itwouldnotofferaconventionalmorningbuffetoffashion,food,andweight-losstipssplicedwithtwelve-year-oldspluckedoutofwellsorteen-actorgraduatesoftheBettyFordClinic.Itwouldservewitty,nonideologicalconversationamongsmartguestsaboutpolitics,business,andculture.Aboveall,itwouldexudeintelligence.WillieGeist,whobecameoneofitshostsalongwithMikaandJoe,cametocallit
“FantasyBreakfast”becausethesharpestmindsyoucanimagineshowupatyourhouseforeggsandissues.
SigningoffonJoe’sidea,PhilGriffin,whowasthenseniorvicepresidentofNBCNews,offeredapieceofadvice.JoeoughttobringmefromScarboroughCountryashisexecutiveproducer.Inthefewyearstheshowhadbeenalive,Joehadchewedthroughseveralproducers,butheandIhadmeshed,somuchsothatJoesaysIscrubbedawayhisreputationaroundthenetworkasadifficultpieceofwork.
Joewantsaproducerwho’sorganized,hasvision,andgetstheimpossibledone.Hewantssomeonewith“rocketfuel”inhisveins.Hewantsakiller.IliketothinkIfitallthecriteria.Akillerproducernevertakesnoforananswer.Akillerrelentlesslypushestolandtheguestwhoseemstootoughtoget,pusheshisteamtomakeeachsegmentshinemorethantheonebefore,pushesthehostsandhimself,pusheseveryproblemtowardsolution.Hedoesnotallowanyonewithinthebuildingorbeyonditswallstothwarthimortheshow.Hellno.We’reMorningJoe.Don’ttellmeIcannothavewhatIneed.Ineedayes.
Notlongbeforemybrainepisode,areporterfromGQcapturedmeinactionprettywell.DuringaMorningJoeoneday,MikaandJoeweresupposedtotalkwithHillaryClintonbysatellite,butCNN’smorninghost,JohnRoberts,wasinterviewingherbysatellite,too,rightbeforeus,andhewasrunninglong.TheGQreporterpickedupthesceneinourcontrolroom:
“I’mgonnafuckingpunchJohnRobertsmyself,”saysLicht.“Fuck,they’regivingittousaminuteandahalflate.Fuckingassholes.”HeinstructsanotherproducertotellFoxNews,whereHillaryisgoingnext,thatshemaybeabitlate,“becauseunlikeCNN,I’mnotadouchebag!”Thenhestartsflippingoutbecausethere’sonlyonefeedfromHaitiandit’sgoingtothefreakingTodayshow.
Asaresultofthatlittleepisode,bytheway,wehaveanewrule:noreportersinthecontrolroom.
Onesummer,Joe’stwenty-one-year-oldson,Joey,wasaninternonthethirdfloorof30Rock,whereMorningJoelives,andafterawhileJoeaskedifJoeyhadformedanyimpressionsofme.
“Oh,Chrisisgreat,”Joeyreplied.“He’sgreat.”
“Well,”Joesaid,“I’veheardthathecanbeanasshole.That’sthewordpeopleuse.”
“Inthecontrolroom,”Joeysaid,“Chrisisanasshole.Butyouneedthat.Thereissomuchchaosgoingoninthere.”
ControlRoom3AisafewdozenfeetdownthehallfromthegentilityoftheMorningJoeset.Itismydomain.Itisnotalwaysgenteel.Itisadark,low-hanginguniverseofdozensupondozensofflat-screenmonitors;ofconsolesandheadsetsandfatigueandsnapdecisions;oftelephones,jumbocoffees,andchatter,whichcanmorphintoshouts,profaneshouts,ifateleprompterfreezesorMika’smikeisleftonduringacommercialbreakoraguestissonorous.Adialectisspokenin3A,butitisonlytangentiallyEnglish,thingslike“We’reaboutthirtyheavy”or“Animatenowtothehardout.”
Thisislivetelevision,themostdifficultkind,becausethefirsttakeistheonlyone.Theplannedsequenceofsegmentsisamalleablethingbecausewemaydropaguestaswego,wemayaddone,wemaybesurprisedbywhatonesays,wemayhavebreakingnews,wemayloseasatellitefeed,wemaychangesongsleadingintocommercial,wemayhavetoremindthoseonthesetwhattosayorwhatnotto.
Theyarethemostfunhoursofmyday.Tostandintheshowerandcomeupwithanideaforthatmorning’sshowandseeittakeshapeisthelegalhighofbeinganexecutiveproducer.Soisoptinginmidshowtotrytohuntdownatravelingcongressmanforaliveshotandpullingitoff;whisperinginJoe’searpieceandhearingthenuggetcomeoutofhismouthsecondslater;keepingthoseonthesetcoolandcalmwhileweinthecontrolroomdouseametaphoricalfire.
Eachday,however,Imakehundredsofdecisionsthatgofarbeyondthemeretechnicalchallengesofrunningacontrolroom.WhileIgetahugeamountofhelpfromtheMJteam,particularlymyseniorstaff,thebuckstopswithme.Inlargepart,Iassembledthesmall,dedicatedteamthatputsouttheshoweachday.Ifacontroversybrewsupbecauseofsomethingsaidontheair,damagecontrolfallstome.Ifanewspapercallstocheckoutarumorabouttheshow,Ihavetoweighhowtohandleit.Imakesurethemixofguestsisstimulatingandsmart.IfIhavedoubtsabouttheauthenticityofanewsitemwe’reabouttoair,Iholdit,whichIdidrecentlyregardingunsubstantiatedreportsablackemployeeoftheU.S.DepartmentofAgriculturehadbeenfiredforracistremarks.Iwanted
confirmationfromtheObamaadministration,whichwegotandaired,adecisionthatleftJoeprettypleasedbecauseunlikeothers,wehadn’tjumpedtoanyconclusions.
Atitscore,thelookandfeelofMorningJoereflectscollaborationamongJoe,Mika,andme.Oneofuswillhaveanideaforasegment.We’llmassageit,playwithit,addelementsuntil,bytheend,it’stoughtopindownauthorship.Morethananything,ItrytokeepJoe’soriginalvisionfresh,toturnhissparksintocutting-edgetelevision,tostayinsidehishead.
Asthe2010midtermelectionsapproached,forexample,Iwantedtodosomethingspecialonthedayaftertheballoting.Whynot,Ithought,dotheshowfromStudio8H,thebiggestat30RockandthehomeofSaturdayNightLive?JoeandMikaandourguestscouldsitonthestagebeforealivestudioaudience,whichiswhatSNLalwayshasbutwhichmorningshowsrarelydo.Usingsuchalegendaryvenuewouldbeanelectricwayofsayingtheelectionwasagrand,historicevent—andwe’retheteamtotellyouaboutit.Itwouldcreatebuzzforus.Anditdid.Peoplewereclamoringfortickets.TheNewYorkTimestooknote.
MikeBarnicle,aformernewspapercolumnistinBostonandaregularontheshow,callsme“CaptainIntense,”possessedofademonicdesiretomakeMJwork.Asajournalist,youwanttoexposeproblemsandmakethingsbetter.Itsoundsself-aggrandizing,andprobablyis,butMJdoesthat.It’spartofthesolution.TheywatchattheWhiteHouse;Iknowtheydo,becauseIgettheire-mails.Inthejargonofjournalism,MJcan“drivetheday,”meaningothernewsoutletspursueourinsightsorrevelations.
IsupposeIcouldbevicepresidentofprogrammingfortheAll-RealityNetwork,iftherewasone,andmakehugepilesofcashdreamingupDancingwithConvictsorWhoWantstoMarryaRefugee?Icoulddothat,butIwouldneverwantto.Gettingupat4A.M.todoMJeachday,Idon’thavetoholdmynose.
Butmostofus,ifwe’rehonest,aremorethanournobleideals.Likemost,Inurseambitions,largeones.Ilikebeingaplayeronabigstage.It’swhyIloveNewYorkCityanddidnotlikeAllentown,Pennsylvania.Iliketobeatthecoreofnewsandsportingeventsandsophisticatedgatherings,goingplacesanddoingthingsotherscan’t.DoingMJputsmeatthecenterofthebigconversation.It’sasuper-relevantexistence.
Ilivedtheshow.Igave100percent,whichmeansIwasalwaysshyafewpercentagepointstogivetofamily.Inretrospect,IknowmyobsessioncameatJenny’sexpense.Shedidn’thaveallofmewhenIwasathome.ShealmostneverhadaweekendwithmethatwasnotcarvedupbytheBlackBerry,alwaystheBlackBerry.
Asournewbornwasbeingtakentobecircumcised,IwasonthephonedoingMJwork,obviouslynotfullyinthemomentoffreshfatherhood.WhydidIevenhaveiton?IskippedtheweddingofoneofmybestfriendsbecauseitwasSweepsWeek.Thatfailureisoneofmyall-timeregrets,butitwasaneasycallatthetime.
AmerethreedaysafterAndrew’sbirth,Iwentbacktowork.The2008DemocraticNationalConventionwasunderwayinDenverandIwasdisappointedIcouldn’tgobecauseofthebaby,soIworkeddoubleshiftsat30Rocktohelpthecoveragefromthere.Thenextweek,IwasofftotheRepublicanconventioninSt.Paul,Minnesota,leavingJennyaloneinthefirstdaysofmotherhood.
Therewereotherproblems,deeperandmorewrenching.Thispartisnoteasy.
AnyonewhomeetsmeprobablyconcludesIamnottheretiringtypebutrathersomeonewhoisworldly,comfortablewithcommand,comfortablearoundpowerfulpeople,andskilledinatelevisionstudio.Allofthatistrue.Butmuchofthetimethesepastyears,mystomachwasanemotionallyensnarledplace,abigknot.
IwasnotentirelysurewhereIstoodatwork.AndIfearedthatmygoldenexistenceatthenexusofsubstantiveandexcitingthingsmightend.
Doingalong,live,andbarelyscriptedshoweveryweekdaydoesn’tleavealotoftimeforpolitenessandpraisefromthetalent,MikaandJoe.Snap,dothisnow.Snap,don’tdothatagain.Snap,goaway.Thereareeruptionsofanger,andpeoplestaymadforawhile,andtherearescrewups.
ThoughMikafoundme“adamngoodproducer,”Iconstantlycravedreassurance.ShethoughtIwasheadedforameltdown,becauseIwasrackedwithsomuchworryaboutwhethersheandJoewerehappyandaboutwhethertherewasanythingelseIneededtoberackedwithworryabout.That’swhyIworkedsomuch,believingthatiswhatIhadtodotomakesureeverythingwas
allright,andthatIwasinJoeandMika’sgoodgraces.Thatangstiscommonamongexecutiveproducers,butknowingthiswasnohelptome.
WhileIwasprettysureJoeconsideredmeindispensable,Iwasnervous,lookingovermyshoulder,tryingtoshieldmyselfandseewhereIstoodinthefirmamentofNBC.Toadegree,Joesays,allambitiousguysdothatbecausewewanttokeepmovingup.Wegaugeourpositioninthefootrace.ButsometimesJoecouldn’ttellifmyprofferedopinionaboutsomethingreflectedmytruefeelingorasafeone.Often,Icoveredmyass,outoffear.
Ifyoulovewhatyoudo,asIdid,thethoughtofnotdoingitcanbescary.Forme,thefearwasnotaboutlosingapaycheck.Iftheykickedmetothestreet,I’dlandonmyfeet,becausetalentisalwaysindemand.Instead,notbeingJoeandMika’sexecutiveproducerwasascarynotionbecauseIwouldnolongerbepartofthatbigconversationImentioned.
SolelybecauseofMorningJoe,IhadbecomefriendlywithJackWelch,theformerchiefexecutiveofGeneralElectric,whichuntilrecentlywasNBC’sparentcompany.Hehadbeenadvisingmeaboutmycareer.WouldsucharelationshiphaveeverdevelopedifIhadstayedinlocaltelevision?Probablynot.WoulditcontinueifIwasnolongerwithMJ?Unlikely.Iffired,Imightwindupoutoftheloopatsomebackwaternewsshowfornonplayers,thefailures.Thatwasmyfear.
It’snosurprise,then,thatintherhythmofourday,Icouldgovolcanic,firingoffprofanity-infusede-mailstothosebelowme,oftenaboutminorthings.Ipickedfights,too,justtomarkterritory.Ihadbeenworkingonbeinglessprickly.WelchhadtoldmetogivemorehugsifIwantedtokeepdoingbigthings,andIhadbeen.Butself-rehabisalong,slowprocess.
OnthemorningofApril28,2010,Iwasabouttounloadonsomeoneinmyusualway.IwaslisteningtoavoicemailonmyBlackBerryaboutMSNBC’stransportationarrangementsfortheWhiteHouseCorrespondents’AssociationdinnerinWashington,threedaysaway.Wehadabigtableatthedinner,whichisthejourno-politicomealoftheyear.Thevoicemailblatheredonaboutwhichofourbignameswouldgetwhichdriverstotakethemtoandfromthedinner.
Itwasalreadyabadday;JoeandIhadhadadisagreementduringtheshow,atestyone,aboutcameraangles.MikahadevenwrittenJoeanotewhilethey
wereontheairsaying,Takeiteasyontheguy.Nowcamethissilly,sillyissue.Cars.Drivers.
WhyamIgettingaphonecallaboutthis?DopeopleknowhowmuchbiggerstuffIhavetodealwith?DoesanybodyknowwhatIhavetoputupwith?
Iwouldhavecalledsomeoneaboutthenonsense.Iwouldhavedroppedagenerousdollopofprofanityupontheminmydismissive,assholeway.
Iwouldhave.
Butmybrainwentpop.
chapterfive
FreeFallThenewdoctor,theonewhohadjustarrivedinmycubicle,wasRyanneMayersak,andshewasinherfourthyearasanemergency-roomattendingphysician,thesupervisorinchargeoftheotherdoctorsduringashift.Actually,thiswashersecondvisittome.ThefirsthadcomeafterMigraineDoctorleftbutbeforeLouisarrived,andDr.Mayersakhaddoneneurologicaltestsonmesimilartothoseeverybodyelsehaddoneorwoulddo.ShehadevengivenmehereducatedguessaboutwhatmyCATscanwouldshow.
Ihavenomemoryofherinitialvisit.Itisareflectionofhowbadlythingsunfoldedinthenextfewmomentsthatmybrainwoundupdeletinganentireencounterwithadoctorwhowasgivingcriticalinformation.
AssheenteredforwhatIthoughtwasthefirsttime,Dr.MayersaksawInowhadavisitor,andsheassumedhewasnotfamily.(LouishadgottenasfarintotheERashehadbysayinghewasmycousin.)Doctorsdon’tusuallygivesensitiveinformationtoanyonebutthepatientandhisrelatives.ItoldhernottoworryaboutLouis.
“Whateveryouhavetosay,sayit.”
Shedeliversalotofbadnewsintheemergencyroomandhasfoundthatthebestrouteisnotanobliqueone,butstraightahead.Apatientneedstostartprocessingit,adaptingtoit,andthinkingofquestionsaboutit.ThereIlayonthehospitalbed,waiting.
“We’velookedatyourCATscan,”Dr.Mayersaksaid,“andyouhaveasignificantamountofbleedinginyourbrain.”
Awordapparentlyswamintomyconsciousness,awordwiththeimpactofadroppedanvil,becauseDr.Mayersakthinksthisexchangemayhavehappenednext:
“DoIhaveananeurysm?”
“That’spossible.”
Icouldn’tbreathe.
Mostofusdon’tknowthecausesofaneurysmsortheirtreatment,andIcertainlydidn’t,butIknewrightawayIwasindeeptrouble.Bloodhadescapedfrommyarterialsystemandintotheenormouslyconstrictedspacesofmyskull,squeezingthemostvitalorganwehave.Bloodwascausingmyheadache.Bloodmightstillbeleaking.
Ifoughttears.
There’sawell-wornaphorismthatalltoooftenwedon’trecognizethecrucialmomentsuntilmuchlater,astheyrecedeintherearviewmirror.Thisonehadannounceditselfwithajackboottothegut.Inthisantiseptic,windowlessroom,inthisbigWashingtonhospital,withLouisstandingtherebutmywifeandsoninNewYork,mylifewaspivotingtowardanewcompasspoint.Ihadfree-rangingbloodinmybrain.TherewasnowayIwouldcomeoutofthisthesame.
Justashorttimeearlier,Ihadbeendoinganationaltelevisionshowinperfecthealth.Then,afterexperiencingsharppain,Ihadbeensafelydiagnosedwithamigraine.Iwasoutofthere.Iwasdonewiththehospital.Whilemigrainesareunpleasant,Ihadbeentoldthingswere,ifnotfine,thenmanageable.Nowtheywereverymuchnotfine,theyweredangerouslywrong.Itwaslikebeingtricked.
“Thisisacriticalsituation,”Dr.Mayersaksaid.
Iwasintherightplace,shesaid.You’llgetthebestcare.Theneurologicalteamhadbeenpagedandwasonitswayandwouldanswermyquestions.IfIhadanyrightnow,shecouldtrytohelp.ThequestionIcameupwithreflectedtheconditionofamanwhosecircuitswerebeingscrambledbyprofounddistress,becauseitwassodeeplytrivialanddumb.
“Soyou’readmittingme?”
Newthoughtscame.Iclearlyhadn’tdied,butpeoplewithaneurysmsdon’twalkoutofhospitalsthenextday.We’rejustgettingstartedhere.Morewascoming.
Myschedule,allthoseplacesIhadtobeandpeopleIhadtosee,allconfidentlyrecordedintheBlackBerrythatnowsleptintheclearplasticbag,hadbeenblownupandreplacedbytheunknown.
Myimmediatefuturewouldbehere,inthishospital.ThemasterofControlRoom3AhadnocontrolinC2B.Hecouldnotfixtheproblemhefaced,becausethiswasnotthefamiliarterrainoflivetelevisionbutaplacewherehewasdependentuponneurologistswhowerecomingtotreathimandhehadnoideahowthatwasdone.Howcouldthisbehappening?Don’ttheyknowIamexemptfromthissortofthing?
Itwasthegreatestshockofmylife.
NotsincepneumoniasentmysontoanemergencyroomwhenhewassevenweeksoldhadIfeltaspowerless.Actually,IfeltmorepowerlessthanIdidthen.Iwasn’tanobserverhere,asIwaswhenAndrewwashospitalized.Itwasmeinthebedthistime,notmestandingbesideit.Mybrain,myfuture.
ToDr.Mayersak,LouislookedmorestunnedthanIdid.Hehadimaginedhisproducerwasmerelysufferingfromtoomuchcoffeeortoofewvitamins,andwouldbeupandonhisway.Louis’sstomachhaddroppedatthementionofbleeding,inpartbecausehehadbeenworkingatNBC’sWashingtonbureauonthedayin2008whenMeetthePresshostTimRusserthadcollapsedanddied.NowLouisropedhisemotionsbackintoplace.
“You’regoingtobeokay,Chris,”hesaid.“Ipromise.You’regoingtobeokay.”
“Iknow.I’mjustscared.Thisisreallyscary.”
Hereachedoutandtookmyhand.
“Thanks,man.”
“Breathe,”hesaid.
chaptersix
TheSuperheroesAttheMarriottWardmanParkhotel,asIlearnedlater,MikaseizedJoe’sarmashesteppedoffthestage,hisspeechnowdone.Inthreeyearstogetherontheair,MikaandJoehavehadquiteafewlowpointsandtribulations,buthehadneverseenthedepthofapprehensionnowsketchedonherface.
“Wehavetogo,”shesaid.“LouissaysChrishasananeurysm.”
“Chrishasabrainaneurysm?OurChris?”
“Yes,ourChris.Wehavetogonow.”
InthecartoGeorgeWashington,Joekeptrepeatinghisdisbelievingquestion,“OurChris?”Otherwise,theyrodeinparalyzedsilence.MikathoughtthenewscouldkillJoe.Shethoughttheaneurysmcouldkillme.Shesawmeassochronicallyhealthyandresilient,nomatterhowmuchsheandJoegotonmycaseaboutdecisionsormiscues.Nowmyheadwaswaywrong.Shewasspeedingtoahospitalwherethingsmightnotendwell.Peopledieofthis.
MikaBrzezinski,ontheoutside,hasakindofcrazeddivavibe.SheisthedaughterofZbigniewBrzezinski,whowasPresidentJimmyCarter’snationalsecurityadviser,andsheishard-nosed,funny,andafanaticalworker,racingamongahigh-adrenalinejob,twoyoungdaughters,ahusbandwhoworksintelevision,booksshewritesandspeakingengagements,andsomewhereinthereshesleepsbutneverforlong.AformerCBSnetworkreporterandanchor,shehasadeepgroundingintelevisionnews.
Ontheinside,nooneismorecaring.Noonewillbustdownmorewallsiftheyneedbusting.JennycallsMikaatornado.Wecallher“Mommy,”becauseshemakeseverythingallright.
JoeScarboroughismuchhardertoread,moreclosed.ThoughheleftCongressin2001aftermorethanthreetermsintheHouse,heisstillapoliticianwhohas
flawlesssensorsandtotalrecallofnames,events,songs,anddatesandperhapsstillapolitician’swariness.
There’snoonemoreadeptatdetectingtheglimmerofarisingpoliticalforceorthestenchofaloser.JoehasgeniusinstinctsforwhatmakesgoodTV,rightdowntocameraanglesandsetdesign,eventhoughhehasnobackgroundinsuch.IfhecouldbothhosthisshowandrunitfromControlRoom3A,hewoulddosoandhewouldbesuperbatboth.
WeareTheTrifecta,Mikasays,thoughIfullyunderstandtheymattermorethanI.Withthesuccessoftheshow,theyhavebecomeabrand,servingasmastersofceremoniesatdinnersandmakingspeechesacrossthecountry,andIhelppushandpolishthebrand,aswellasexecutetheshowtheywant.Theyarealwaysinmythoughts.Theymighthaveassistantswhoworryaboutthedetailsoftheirtravelarrangementsandtheirengagements,butifsomethinggoeswrongintheirprofessionallives,iteventuallycomestome.
Sometimes,Joewantstotalkaboutanissueorprobleminhislife.Maybehisfamily.I’lllistenforaslongashewants,becausemyroleistomakehislifeeasier.Ifwe’redoingtheshowinLosAngelesandhecallsmyhotelroomat2A.M.tosayhisthroatfeelsconstrictedandheneedstogettoahospital—whichactuallyhappened—Idrivehim.
DoingsuchthingsmightseemtocontradicttheglamorousnotionthatIhaveallthispowertoshapetheshowandthetalent.ButMikaandJoearetheshow.IdowhathastobedonetohelpthemmakeMorningJoeasgoodaspossible.
Ourrelationshipdoesnotworkinreverse.I’mexpectedtoworkashardasIcanwithoutburdeningthemwithhowmysonismisbehavingorwithcomplaintsaboutthesuperintendentofmyapartmentbuildingorwithdoubtsabouthowmuchtheyrespectme.Theyareontelevisionforthreehourseveryday.I’mnot.Icannotmakemypersonallifeonemorethingtheymustdealwith.
SowhenJoeandMikastrodeintoC2BlateinthemorningofApril28,thefirstthingIdidwasapologize.Notforbeingsick.Iknowthat’snotsomethingtoapologizefor.Instead,Iwascommiseratingwiththembecausetheiralreadycrowdedschedulenowhadtomakeroomfortheseriousillnessofamemberoftheirteam.
ToJoe,Ilookedfrightened.ToMika,Ilookedembarrassedatbeingthecenterof
attention.IapparentlylookedlikeIcouldusecomforting,too,becausecomfortiswhatMikabegantodispense.Youdon’tlookdifferent,shesaid.Youdon’tlooklikeyou’velostyourmind.Youarestillwithushereinthepresent,conscious,alert.You’refine.
Shedidn’tknowthat.Noneofusdid.SheactuallyfearedImightwindupdamaged.
Louis,whohadneverleftmyside,wastryingtokeepupmyspirits,too.Infact,hetoldmesomanytimesthatIwasgoingtobeokayIfinallyhadtosay,“Dude,Iloveyou,butIneedtohearthatfromadoctor.”
Joesaidlittle.Helookedverygrim.Hesaidlaterhecouldnotbefalsebypattingmyshoulderandsayingallwouldbewell,becausehethoughtmyoddsofgettingoutofthisintactweremiserable,nobetterthanfifty-fifty.
NowMikawentintofullMika-mode.
Shewasalloverhercellphone,callingthehospitalCEO,callinghospitalpublicrelationsofficials,callingJenny,callingMomandDad,reachingouttoanyonewhomighthelpinthesavingofme.Sheneverstoppeddialing.
MikaandJoewereswirlinglikesuperheroeswhohadarrivedtoconfrontthearch-villaininmyheadandtobeathimsenseless.Theywerebecomingmyexecutiveproducers.JustasIdidforthemandtheshoweverymorning,theyhadputonheadsetsofasortandwereworkingtomakemecomeoutright.
Mikapointedatherchest,thenherbutt.
“Mommy,”shesaid,“iskickingass.”
Myheadwasstillpounding.Ihadnoideawhethermybrainwasstillbleeding.Mywifewasstillacoupleofhundredmilesaway.Butthis,thisflatteningofdoorsandtakingofnames,wasstartingtosinkdeeplyintomyheart.
Sothisishowmuchtheycare.
Icouldtellthiswasn’tJoesimplyrevertingtoCongressmanScarborough.Hewasn’tmakinganobligatorystoptogiveahospitalizedconstituenthisbestwishesforafullrecoveryand,afteratwo-minutevisit,movingontoaribbon
cuttingataPensacolastripmall.Hewasinthisfight.HecaredfarmorethanIhadassumed.
Inthedaysahead,asIlayinmyhospitalbed,Iwouldgetshorte-mailsfromhimthatsaidnothingmorethanCallmeifyougetboredorWemissyouverymuch.Theyweregoodenoughtokeep,andIhave.
DuringthesefirsthoursIwasn’tworriedaboutJenny,Andrew,orthefuture.Therewerenoruminationsabouthowandwhythiseventhadhappened.Thatwouldcomelater.Byswoopinginandtakingcharge,MikaandJoehadfreedmetofocusonthepresenttask,whichwasfixingtheproblem.Howdowedothat?HowdoIgetoutofthis?Whodowecall,whatdoctordoIneed?Itwasasself-centeredasIhadeverbeen.
MikaandJoewereawarethatuntilnowIhadbeenthebeneficiaryofgoodfortuneallmylife.Notenoughemotionalpainhadbeeninflicted,theysensed,tobequeathperspectiveandserenityasIwentaboutmyjob.Iwastooyoungandtooluckytocarryscars.Nowchangewascoming.AtransformationhadbeguninthebackseatoftheEscalade,andacceleratedinC2B.Adriven,focused,charmedmanhadbeenknockedtothefloorbysomethingnoonesawcoming.
“Usually,badexperiences,ifyoucansurvivethem,arethebestthingsthatcanhappentoyou,”Mikasays.
Ifyoucansurvivethem.
Joe,atmybedside,hadanidea.HeturnedtoMika.
“Hey,doyouhaveJoe’sphonenumberonyourcell?”
JoeBiden’s,thatis.
chapterseven
TheDoctorOnthemorningofmyevent,aswe’llcallit,Dr.VivekDeshmukh,oneofthemostskilledneurosurgeonsinthecountry,hadyettoassumehiscurrenttopmedicalpostinPortland,Oregon.Thatwouldn’thappenforfourmonths.SoasIlayonmybedinC2B,Dr.DeshmukhwasacrossthestreetinaclinicaffiliatedwithGeorgeWashington,inaclosedconsultationroomwherehewasseeingapatient.Anassistantinterruptedtoannounceaphonecall.Shewasinsistent.Dr.Deshmukhexcusedhimselfandsteppedouttooneoftheclinic’sworkstations.
“Hello,Doctor.VicePresidentBidenwouldliketospeaktoyou.”
HehadnevermetBiden.Hehadneverspokenwithhim.HedidrecognizeBiden’svoice,however,andwasunderstandablyamazedtofindhimselfchattingwiththesecondmostpowerfulmanontheplanetonanotherwisemundaneWednesday.
“Iknowyou’rerealbusy,”thevicepresidentbegan.“Idon’twanttotakeuptoomuchofyourtimebecause,unlikeme,you’redoingconsequentialthings.”
Dr.Deshmukhwasimpressedbytheself-deprecatinghumor.
“IhaveagoodfriendinyourER,”Bidenwenton,“andcouldyoumaketimetoseehim?I’vecalledaroundandaskedmanypeoplewhoshouldbetakingcareofhim,andeveryoneI’vetalkedtohassaidyou’rethebestdoctortotakecareofit.”
Thefriendhadbleedinginhisbrain,Bidensaid.Hegavemyname.
NotonlydidDr.DeshmukhnotknowBidenpersonally,Ididn’tknowBidenpersonally.Hewasnotmyfriend,thoughI’dliketothinkheisnow.MikaandJoe,however,knewhimwell.Morerelevant,theyknewhewasananeurysmsurvivor.
Twenty-twoyearsearlier,whenhewasforty-five,Bidenhadsufferednotonebuttwoaneurysmsthathadtobecorrectedwithsurgery,whichsomehowthepoliticianinJoeScarboroughhadrememberedashestoodatmybedsideintheemergencyroom.AfterdescribingmyproblemtooneofBiden’saides,Mikahadbeenputthroughinstantlyand,fightingthroughtears,hadaskedforhelp.
Bidendidnothesitate.Hewouldfindtherightguy.
TheguyturnedouttobeVivekDeshmukh,whohadfinishedsecondinaclassof120attheUniversityofFloridaCollegeofMedicineanddonehisneurosurgicaltrainingattheBarrowNeurologicalInstituteinArizona,oneoftheworld’sbest.Thatmorning,hewasdirectorofcerebrovascularandendovascularneurosurgeryatGeorgeWashington.AsIwouldcometoknow,heisunflappableandskilledatreducingcomplexitytoeasilyunderstoodtermsinasoft,reassuringvoice.
Dr.DeshmukhtoldBidenhewould,ofcourse,helpand,afterhangingup,turnedtothehospital’scomputersystemtofindmyCATscan.
Itwasugly.Hehadseenathousandlikeit.Butitwasugly.Therewasalotofbloodlooseinmyhead.
Abrainhasthreelinings,andmyrenegadebloodwasbetweenthemiddleandtheinner,thespacewherethebrain’sarteriesandveinslive.Themiddleliningisthearachnoid,becauseitlookslikeaspider’sweb,andanybleedingbeneathitisthusa“subarachnoidhemorrhage.”
Themostcommonreasonforbloodtobeloosethereisblunt-forcetrauma,thesortofthingthathappensinatrafficaccident.Thatwasn’tmyproblem,obviously.Anothercommonreasonisaruptureinanabnormalcollectionofbloodvesselssomepeoplearebornwith.Dr.Deshmukhhadinmindsomethingelse,thesamethingIhadraisedwithDr.Mayersak.Ananeurysm.
Cerebralaneurysmsareballoonlikebulgesinthewallsofarteries,whicharethehigh-pressurefreewaysthatdeliverbloodfromtheheartthroughoutthebody,asopposedtoveins,whichreturnbloodtotheheartatlowerpressure.Wherearteriesfork,there’sturbulenceintheblood,whichcanleadtoweaknessinarterialwalls,whichcanleadtotheballooning.Ananeurysmcanbeassmallasaneighthofaninch,asbigasaninchandaquarter.
Statisticsvary,butseveralmillionpeoplehaveananeurysmatthismomentand
donotknowit.Mostwillprobablyliveoninblissfulignorance,becausetheiraneurysmwillnotcausesymptomsorburst.
ButeachyearintheUnitedStates,somethingliketwenty-seventhousandaneurysmsdorupture.That’sseventy-fouraday,threeanhour.FromlookingatmyCATscan,Dr.DeshmukhwasprettycertainthattodayhadbeenLichtruptureday,which,iftrue,meantmylifehadmovedclosertotheabyss’sedge.
Ifananeurysmruptures,there’snoroomforthebloodthatescapes.Theskullisnotanexpandableplace.Pressurebuilds.Thebloodcanirritatetissue.Otherarteriescanspasmandconstrict,blockingthemselves,whichcanleadtoastroke.Tissuecangetsqueezedagainstbone.Thewholebrainmightshift.It’sapotentialcascadeofmalfunction.
About15percentofthosewhoseaneurysmsburstdiebeforereachingahospital.About25percentmoredielater.Ofthosewhosurvive,mostarepermanentlydisabledbytheinvasionofbloodintoplacesitshouldnotgo.Intheend,onlyaboutafifthofthoseAmericanswhoseaneurysmsrupturelivethroughtheexperienceundamaged.
NoneofthisdidIknow.ItwouldbedaysbeforeIdid,notuntilIgothomeandsurfedtheWebandtalkedwithDad.
Examiningmyscan,Dr.Deshmukhcouldnottellhowmuchdamagehadbeendone,becausenoscancanpickupthephysicalsideeffectsofananeurysm,likeimmobilityorscrambledspeechorblurredvision.Heneededtoseemeinpersontogetasenseofthosethings,andhealsoneededamoredetailedlookatmybrain.HecalledtheneurologistondutyintheemergencyroomandorderedupasecondCATscan.
Afterfinishingwithhispatientintheconsultationroomattheclinic,hescamperedacrossTwenty-thirdStreettothemainbuilding,intotheER,anddowntotheCATsuite.Thesecondtestwouldbedonewithcontrastingdyes,thebettertoseemyarteries.Ihadbeendeliveredtherebeforehearrived.Itwassometimearoundnoon.
Ihavenomemoryofthismoment.IapparentlyhaveeraseditjustasIdidDr.Mayersak’sfirstvisittome.AsIlayonatablethatwouldslideinsidetheCATmachine,Dr.DeshmukhaskedmetodescribewhathadhappenedandhowIfeltnow.HeaskedifIhadanyallergies,surgeries,ormedicalproblems.
Nowcameanothervariationofthealreadyfamiliarneurologicalquiz.
Whatisyourname?
Whereareyou?
Doyouknowwhatyearitis?
Iknewtheanswers,knewthemall,andthatwasgoodatleast.Exceptfortheheadpainandtheinitialscanthatshowedconsiderablebleeding,thedoctorconcludedIwasanotherwisehealthyyoungmanwhowasawarehewasintrouble,butnotcatatonicorfidgetingorwailingwithgrief.Stoic,hethought.
IntothemachineIwent.IntomyarmthroughanIVwentthecontrastsolution.Thehuntformyaneurysmwason.TheCATmachinebeganmethodicallyimagingmyheadinslices2.5mmwide.Dr.Deshmukhexaminedtheimages,oneafteranother.
Nothing.Noaneurysm.
Yettherewassomuchblood.Thatmuchalmostalwaysmeansananeurysm.
Whereisit?
Adoctorwantstogetinsideandrepairtheartery.Buthehastofindthesceneofthemicroscopicdisasterfirst.Dr.Deshmukhfearedhewasmissingsomething.Ifhesentapatienthomewithoutfindingtheaneurysm,itcouldruptureagain,perhapsfatally.Mineshouldbeeasytofind,yettherewasnoevidenceofit.
Thedoctorwantedthenextleveloftest,thegoldstandard,acerebralangiogram,atestthatmakespossibleamuchhigherdegreeofmagnificationofthearteries.WewereenteringaphaseoftheafternoonIdoremember.
Iwastakenupstairstothe“angiosuite,”achilly,sterileroomwithmultiplemonitorsandamachinethatseemedasbigasaBuick.AsIwaswheeledin,therewerepeoplemillingabout.Onepointeddownatmeonthehospitalbedandmouthedtotheothersasingleword,“Biden.”
JoeandMikahadtoldmetheywerereachingouttothevicepresident.NowIwasseeingtheresults.NowIwasbecomingacelebrity,whichwasn’tallthat
unusualforahospitalinthesameneighborhoodastheWhiteHouse,theCapitol,theSupremeCourt,theembassiesofdozensofnations,andmostcabinet-leveldepartmentsofthegovernment.
Ihadnoproblemwiththespecialattention.Whenyourheadfeelsasifsomeonehasputabeltarounditandyankedwithbothhands,whenthey’vetoldyouthatyoumighthaveananeurysm,whenyouremotionshavecareenedintounexploredlands,youwantspecialattention.Youwantsomebodytomakeacallifthatsomebodyknowssomebody.
Thehospital,inanyevent,probablywouldhavereactedtomycaseinpreciselythesamewayevenifBidenhadnevergotteninvolved.Intheemergencyroom,Dr.Mayersakhadn’tknownhewouldbe,yetshehadsoundedtheneurologicalclaxonassoonasshehadtheproof.Dr.Deshmukhmighthavebeensummonedanyway.
Intheangiosuite,theyseemedtobeinagoodmood,whichhelpedme.Theanesthesiologistannouncedshewouldbemycocktailwaitress.Theguywhowasgoingtoshavemyrightlegaspartoftheprocedurenotedhewasprovidingabikiniwaxing.Iwascountingonthistest.Iwantedtobetoldthebleedinghadstopped.Ididn’tknowanythingaboutaneurysms,butIassumeduncheckedbleedingcouldnotbegood.
Myleakalmostcertainlyhadstoppedalready,though,whichDr.Deshmukhnowtoldme.Rupturestendtobequickaffairs.Theaneurysmsealsitself.Butthatmightnotlast.Are-ruptureatanytimeispossible.That’swhyitwasimportanttofindthespot.
Aconsentformwasputinfrontofme.Ihesitated.
Duringacerebralangiogram,anincisionismadeinthepatient’sleg,andasmall-diametercatheterisinsertedintothefemoralartery.Usingarteries,itthentravelsupthroughthetorsoandintotheneck.Dyeisshotthroughthecatheter,eruptingattheotherendlikeafountain,providingexcellentcontrastinthebrainforthatbigBuickofamachinetosnapimages.
Buttothebody,thecatheterisanaliendisrupterthatneedstobeattacked.Bloodcancoagulateonit,andaclotcanbreakaway,travel,andstop,blockinganarteryandcausingastroke.Thereis,inotherwords,arisktoacerebralangiogram.Notmuchofone,butarisk.
IdidnotpauseinsigningtheconsentformbecauseI’maguywholovescontrol.Thattraitonlyinvolvesthecontrolroom.Itdoesn’textendtoreadingthefineprintoneverysingledocument.IpausedonlybecauseIhadcomesoveryfarsoveryfast.IhadbeendoingashowandnowIwasinastrangeroomwithallthesepeopleandthevicepresidentwasinvolvedandmybrainhadbloodandnothingwasright.
ButIknewtherewasnochoice.Small,theoreticalriskfromacathetervs.devastating,actualpaininmybrainfromanunknowncause?
Dr.Deshmukhnudgedmealong.
“Mr.Licht,”hesaid,“you’revery,verysick.Youneedtogetthisdonenow.Signtheform.”
Isignedtheform.
Mydoctorhaddonemorethantwothousandcerebralangiograms.Asdaringandcomplicatedasitsoundstothreadatubesuchalongwaythroughabody,fromlegtohead,hemadethejourneytothebaseofmyskullinnomorethanninetyseconds,usingalivemonitortowatchthecatheter’stravels.Icouldfeelitasitwent,averyoddsensation,buttheyhadgivenmesomeexcellentdrugssoIwouldn’tsquirmatthethoughtofbeingthreadedlikeahumanneedle.Thedrugsdidn’tputmeout,becausetheyweren’tintendedto.Dr.Deshmukhneededmeawaketofollowhisinstructions.
“Takeadeepbreathin,holdyourbreath,don’tbreatheormove,”hebegan.
Ashotofdyeracedthroughthecatheter,intomyhead.Afeelingofwarm,suffusingliquidensued.Iwouldn’trecommendit.
“Breathe,”thedoctorsaid.
Wedidthissequenceofhold-your-breath,shoot-the-dye,release-your-breathtwentytimesorso.Sometimesthedyecausedlittlesparklylightningboltsinmyeyes.Foranhour,themachinerotatedthroughallkindsofangles,snappingimagesthatDr.Deshmukhandtheangioteamcouldseeonmonitors.
“Youfindanythingyet?”Isaid.
“Sofar,it’slookingokay.”
Hemeantthat,otherthantheblood,everythinglookednormal,whichwasbothgoodandcomplicating.Goodbecausetherewasnoaneurysm,complicatingbecausetherewasnoaneurysm.Ifthereisonetobefound,theveryfirstcerebralangiogramalmostalwaysfindsit.Notthistime.Thedoctorpeeredmorecloselyattheimagestomakesurehewasn’tmissingsomething.Hewasn’t.Hewassocertainhewouldseeananeurysm.Hewastroubled.
Whatisthesourceofthisblood?
Whenwefinished,theywheeledmeupstairstotheintensivecareunit,whichwouldbemyhomeastheywatchedforsignsofsecondarydamageanduntiltheycoulddomoreexplorationtofindoutwhatwasgoingoninsidemyhead.PassingasignintheICUthatsaidNOBAREHANDS,IwasrolledintoRoom284,whichhadasinglebedandawallthatwasnothingbutwindows,lookingoutonthelow-riseskylineofWashington.
Notlongafter,Jennywalkedin.
chaptereight
JennyIntheearlyyears,JennyBlancocametoacoupleofunequivocalconclusionsaboutme.
“Thisguy’sarealjerk.”
“Ihatehim.”
Ourrelationshipbegantelephonicallyaround1998,anditwasonlyprofessional,journalisttojournalist.Shewastheproducerofthe11P.M.newsatNBCinSanDiego,Iwastheproducerofthe11P.M.newsatNBCinLosAngeles,andsometimesJennywouldcallandaskforhelpcoveringabreakingstoryonmyturf.Thosewerereasonablerequests,giventhatourstationsweresiblingsandhershowdidnothavetheresourcesminedid.Wehadahelicopter.Wehadfourcameracrews.Wehadthreereporters.
NBC’slatenewsinLosAngeleshadthebiggestaudiencewestoftheMississippiRiverthen,andthereIwasatitshelm,mid-twenties,notlongremovedfromcollegeandevenlesslongremovedfrommyserendipitousstartintelevisionasawriterontheO.J.show.Asaresult,Icouldbeinsufferablyarrogant.JennyBlanco?Shewasthatproduceronthephonefromamuchsmallerstationwhomadeannoyingrequestsoftheverybusyme.It’sdifficulttobelieve,butsomehowshewoundupfeelingsecondclass.
Then,oneday,JennycameuptoL.A.togotoapartyIhadbeeninvitedtoaswell.Atlast,liketwofatedloversinafable,thetelephonevoicescameface-to-faceforthefirsttime,andJennyleftwithadistinct,freshimpressionofMr.Licht.
“He’sanovergrownfratboy.”
Shecouldn’tbelievethiscreaturehadseemedintimidating.Hewasakid.“Istillhatedhim.”Intime,sheleftSouthernCaliforniaforSanFranciscoandthena
jobwithMSNBCinNewYork,notsayinggood-byebecausetherewasnoreasonto,becauseshepossessednothingbutantipathyforme.ShemighthavepossessedevenmoreantipathyifshehadknownIhadtoldmystation’sexecutivesnottohireherifsheeverappliedforajob.Tobehonest,Ifearedthecompetition;Icouldtellshewassmartandgood.
Yearslater,yearswithoutcontactbetweenus,Iwentto30Rocktoseenetworkexecutives,andwhilestrollingthroughthenewsroomofNBC’slocalstationIcameacrossJenny,bynowproducerofthe11P.M.newsinthenation’sbiggestmarket.Wow,Ithought,shelooksgreat.Wechatted.SheimmediatelywonderedifIwasbeingsweetsimplybecauseshehadattainedmarketacceptability.
Shewascorrect.
SirRomance.
Butprofessionalsuccessis,indeed,anattractivequality,andoneofthethingsmostattractiveaboutJennytothisdayisthatshe’ssuccessfulanddriven.
Nowbeganthelongestpursuitofmydatingdays,longestintimeandlongestindistance.IwaslivingintheBayAreabecauseNBChadboughtastationinSanJoseandaskedmetomovefromLosAngelestohelpoverseeitsintegrationintotheNBCwayofdoingthings.ThismeantmanytripstoNewYorktotalkwithmanagement.
Withanothercoming,Ie-mailedJennytotellheraboutajobthatwasopenatourstation.Perhapsyou’dbeinterested,Inoted.Perhapsweshouldtalk.Perhapsweshouldhaveadrink.Shereadthisforwhatitwas,abackdoorrequestforadate,a“totalscam,”butshedidconsenttomeetatanIrishpubinManhattanonenightafterher11P.M.showhadended.Shearrivedwitha“let’sgetthisoverwith”airandnomakeup.Morethanthreehourslater,shesays,sheleftwitha“he’snotsobad”feeling.Theyearshadsandpaperedabitofmycockiness.
ThoughseparatedbytheentireUnitedStatesofAmerica,wemanagedtogooutafewtimes,andwhileIthoughtJennylikedme,sheregardedeachget-togetherasnothingmorethancollegial.“Wecanhangout,”shesaid,“butit’snotgoingtogoanyfurtherthanthat.”Herargumentwasweworkedforthesamecompanyandhadsimilarjobsandthosewereingredientsthatshouldneverbecombinedwithapersonalrelationship,period.
Itriedtotalkheroutofthis.Why,Isaid,dowomenalwaysthinkaheadtotheworstcase?Wearenotabouttogetmarried.It’sdating,notbetrothal.Whynotseewhathappens?Ifsomethingdoes,we’llfigureoutwhattodo.
Onenight,onarooftopdeckofafriend’sapartmentinNewYork,Iexpoundedlikethisforforty-fiveminutes,tryingtobreakherresistanceandwindingupnowhere.EversinceIwasateen,Ihaveknownwhatmywifewouldbelike,someonesmart,beautiful,warm,independent,andsuccessful.Anddark-haired,whichJennyis.Nobodybeforehadmeteveryitemonmylist.Shedid.Iwasn’treadytodeclareherTheOne,butneitherwasIreadytogiveupmerelybecauseofahurdlelikebeingintheNBCfamilytogether.
Intheend,oddly,itwaspreciselybecauseweworkedforthesamecompanythatthewallscamedown.BothofusweredispatchedtoAthensinthesummerof2004aspartofNBC’scoverageoftheOlympics,andoutofthesharedpressure,fatigue,frustration,andexhilarationofcoveringamonumentaleventemergedaseriouslyhookedcouple.Afewweekslater,IbroughtJennytomysisterStephanie’swedding.Isawhoweasilyandwarmlysheblendedwithmyfamily.(MyfamilywasalwaysmystrongestdatingassetbecauseMomandDadhavebeentogethersincehighschool,suggestinglongcommitmentrunsinthegenes.)AndDadwascompletelysmittenwithmydate.
Inmostrelationships,thesidesbeginasexemplarsofpolite,reasonablebehaviorandonlylaterdotheshieldsdropandtheirritatingflawsmaterialize.ButJennyandIneverwentthroughtheposeurphase.Ourrelationshipstartedbadly;shedislikedmelongbeforesheliked.AndattheOlympics,IhadseeneveryJennytherewas.TiredJenny.CryingJenny.ToughJenny.Neitherofuswasgoingtobesurprisedbytheotherbecausewealreadykneweachothersowell.
Monthsofbicoastaldatingunfolded.Weneverwentmorethantwowithoutseeingeachother.Once,whenJennywassickinNewYorkandIwasinSanFrancisco,IcalledtenrestaurantsinManhattantryingtofindonethatwoulddeliverchickensouptoherapartmentasasurprise.(Ifoundone;theyaddedabrownie,too.)
Jennywasthefirstpersonwhomademethinkofsomeoneotherthanmyself.Beforeshecameintomylife,Iwasonlyaboutmeandmywork.Allyouhadtodowascheckoutmywardrobe.IhadNBChats,NBCT-shirts,NBCjackets,NBCbackpacks.AndIworethatstuffconstantly.ButJennyquicklycameto
meansomuchtomethatIpledgedIwouldneverdoanythingtomessuptherelationshipIhadfinallyconvincedhertohave.“I’llneverbreakupwithyou,”Itoldher.“Itwillnevercomefromme.”
EverydecisionImadewasgearedtokeepingherandmakingsureshekeptme.JennywilltellyouthatfromthemomentwereconnectedyearsafterCalifornia,Iwasamodelofthoughtfulness,whichfolksat30Rockwillconsiderheadlinenews.Onetime,beforewebecameaseriouscouple,Iwasinvitedtoanout-of-townweddingandaskedJennyifshewouldliketojoinme.Whenshesaidyes,Imadesureourhotelroomhadtwobeds.Withanybodyelse,Iwouldnothavethoughtofbeingasgentlemanly.Evenkillerproducerscanbesoftened.
Ourtwo-cityrelationshipcouldneverworkforlong,ofcourse,becausethereweretoomanysadairportfarewells.TheonlychoicewastodosomethingIhadneverdone,whichwasputthepersonalaheadoftheprofessionalbymovingtoNewYork.IdidnotcarewhatjobIlandedaslongasitwaswithNBCandIwaswithJenny.
Havingbeenatbiglocalnewsstations,IassumedmyrésuméwouldinducesalivationinNewYork,butnobodyatthenetworkseemedimpressed,nordidanyoneatthelocalstation,WNBC.Sooneday,Isatdownwithanexecutiveforthelittle-sistercablenetwork,MSNBC,whichatthattimewasbasednotat30RockbutinSecaucus,justacrosstheHudsonRiver.
TheMSNBCexecutivehadnojobeither.Maybelater.IwasbeingescortedoutofhisofficewhenIblurtedoutthatI’dliketotalkwithPhilGriffin,whowasthenthecablenetwork’svicepresidentofprimetime.WehadknowneachotherattheTodayshow,wherehewasaproducerandIacollegeintern,soPhilagreedtotalktothesupplicant.Butheonlyhalflistened.Iwasgettingnowhere.Helaunchedintoanautopilotseminarabouthowcablenewsismoreopinionatedthanbroadcast.Ididn’tmentionthatIfoundcablenewsunwatchable.Finally,PhilaskedwhyIwasmovingbackeast.
“I’mdatingJennyBlanco,”Isaid.
“You’redatingJennyBlanco!OhmyGod!Iloveher!Ihatedthatsheleft!”
Jenny,remember,hadworkedforMSNBCbeforeswitchingtotheNewYorklocalstation.Philregardedherasasmart,serious,levelheadedgoddess.Ifshewasdatingme,Imustbeasuperiorbeing.“Itrustherjudgmentanyday,”Phil
saysnow.Immediatelyhisenthusiasmformyapplicationrose,doorsopened,andbeforelongIhadanoffertobeaseniorproducerofanMSNBCshowcalledScarboroughCountry.Ihadneverseenit.IhadnoideawhoJoeScarboroughwas.
Itwasdifficult,takingthisnewjob.TheonlynewsIhadeverdonewasbroadcastandlocal,andIwasabigdealinthatfamiliarworld.Iwasnothingincablenewsandmynewjobwasalesserone,comparedtowhatIhaddone.ButitwouldbeinNewYork,hubofallthingsmedia.Andthemovewasn’taboutme,itwasaboutus,Jennyandme,andIhadpromisedtodowhateverittooktopreserveus.
AweekafterarrivingtostartwithScarboroughCountry,IproposedtoherduringapreviouslyplannedtriptoAcapulco.Ayearlater,atahoteloverlookingthePacificOceanjustnorthofSanDiego,whereJennyhadgrownup,150peoplewatchedourmarriagebegin.
Attherehearsaldinnerthenightbefore,mysistermadeaspeechshehadcarefullytyped.Stephaniebeganbysayingthatmostofherlife,herolderbrothercouldbeprettyfocusedonhimself,demanding,driven,sharingfewfeelings,willingtobeunpopulartogetwhathewanted.Then,shesaid,ImetJenny.RememberthatsceneinJerryMaguirewhereTomCruisetellsRenéeZellweger,“Youcompleteme”?Well,that’swhatStephaniesaidJennydoesforme.
She’sevenmademeabetterdresser.I’mnotnearlythesartorialcommercialforNBCIusedtobe.Myrelationshipwithherkindofsumsmeup.Youmightnotlikemewhenwefirstmeet,butyou’llwarmupafterawhile.IfIhadn’tmether,ifwehadn’tclicked,Idon’tknowhowIwouldhavegottenthroughwhatwashappeningtomeinGeorgeWashingtonHospital.
chapternine
AJacketAsJennyenteredmyICUroom,theonlythingIcouldblurtout,forthesecondtimethatday,wasanobservationofmagnificentdumbness.Itcamenowhereclosetoconveyingmyjoy.
“You’rehere,”Isaid.“Youcame.”
Jennyhadspentthepreviousfewmomentsinabathroomoutsidemyroom,lecturingherselfabouthowimportantitwasnottoaddtomyfearsbydissolvinginfrontofme.Jennyisacrier.Butthewomanwhonowcametomybedwasneitherdistraughtnorfrightenedasshetookmyhand,butradiantandcalm.
“Iloveyou,”shesaid.
ToherIlooked,consideringthebrainbleed,nottoobad.Thiswasanoddthingaboutmyevent.Ineverlookedsick.Iwasprobablytheleastsick-lookingpatientintheICU.Nobruises,cuts,punctures,rashes,spots.Nolimbsincasts.Iwasn’tweak.Mybreathingwasfineandmyheartchuggingalong.Themalfunctionwasoutofsight,visibleonlywithexquisitelycalibratedtechnology,andmanifestingitself,sofar,onlyasahorribleheadache.
Beforeentering,Jennyhadimaginedherhusbandmightbeunconsciousorunabletotalk.Shecouldtellbymyeyes,though,Iwasstilloperatinginthehereandnow.Wesaidverylittletoeachother,becausetheusualfirstquestionsbetweenspousesalreadyhadanswers.Howwasyourday?Apersonalworst.Andyours?Same.
EversinceLouisreachedherasshewasfeedingAndrewinhishighchairthatmorning,shehadbeeninmotionfromourapartmentontheUpperWestSideofManhattantoPennStationinMidtownandthendowntheEastCoastviaAmtrak.Shehadbeeninperpetualcommunicationwithmyparents,Mika,mysister,herfather,andourbabysitter,whotookcontrolofAndrewasJennydeparted.
Shehadn’ttriedtocallme.IfIwasinthehospital,whereIhadneverbeen,Iwastoobadofftodisturb.Someonehadsaid“aneurysm”toherintheflurryofcalls,andbrainbleeding,butJennyhadnomoreknowledgeofthemedicaltechnicalitiesandrisksthanIoranylaymandid.Butsheknewitmustbebad,becausesheknewmyparentswerenowboundforWashingtonand“theyarenotdramaticoroverreactors.”
Onthetrain,Jennydidnotfast-forwardtoaworldinwhichIhaddied.Getthere.Thatwasall.Worktheproblem.Becauseshehadnoideawhatshewouldfindattheotherend,herthreeorfourhoursoftravelwerebeyondanxious,evenweird.AsthetrainpassedthroughNewJerseyandPhiladelphiaandintoMaryland,folksatCNN’sAndersonCooper360reachedher.ShehadbeenworkingforCNNpart-timebuthadbeendiscussingafull-timejobwiththem.Now,onthisdayofalldays,theyofferedit,havingnocluewhereshewasgoingorwhy.Shewasapologetic.Couldthisbediscussedlater?
LouisreachedPhilGriffinat30Rock,whereheisnowpresidentofMSNBC.Philwentonlinetosearch“aneurysm”andthemoreheread,theworsehefelt.HeknewhowmuchIlovedbeingatthecenterofMorningJoe.Itseemedquitepossiblethatsomesortofdisabilitywouldendmycareer.
Mysister,Stephanie,reachedMarcNespoli.Mybestfriend—Iwasthebestmanathiswedding,heatmine—grewuptobeapsychiatrist,andafterheheardfromStephanie,histhoughtsrevertedtosomethingthathadhappenedduringhismedicaltrainingataVermonthospital.Oneofhispatients,anineteen-year-oldmanwhowasbeingtreatedforseizures,suddenlysummonednursestohisroominthemiddleofthenightbecausehehad“theworstheadache”ofhislife.Hediedofasubarachnoidhemorrhageashorttimelater.Inotherwords,unlikeme,Marcknewfirsthandthethreatposedbyarupturedaneurysm.He,too,feltaneedtogettoWashingtonquickly.
MikeBarnicle,whohadbeenwithusonMorningJoethatmorning,wasathishotelwhenhewascalled.Mikemarvelsattheintensitygapbetweennewspapers,wherehegrewupprofessionally,andtelevision,wherehenowlives.Athisoldpaper,theBostonGlobe,youwroteastoryorcolumnforthenextday,whichwasstressfulforafewhours,buttherewasnopromptverdictonthequalityofyourwords.Circulationdatadidn’tarrivethenextday,andevenwhenitdid,itdidnotofferameasurementoftheworthofyourstoryspecifically,onlythepaper’svalueasawhole.
AtMJ,newratingsarriveeveryafternoononmyBlackBerryandupanddownthecorridorsof30Rock,measuringthepopularitynotmerelyoftheshow,butofeacheight-orten-minutesegment.Whowatchedatthatmoment?Howlongdidtheywatch?Happinessorfailure,Mikesays,“comesrightdownthehallway,likeanoceanwave.”Hewondershowanyofushandleit.Amonghisfirstthoughtsnowwasthatmybrainhadshortedoutfromthecrazyintensityofnetworktelevision.
Itwasmyparentswhohadknownaboutmyemergencythelongest,becauseIhadcalledthemfirstaftermybrainpopped.Aftermycall,myfatherthedoctorandmymotherthephysician’sassociatehadgoneabouttheirdayinConnecticut,notterriblyworriedbecausetherewasnoevidenceyettheyshouldbe.ButthenJennytelephoned,thenMika,thenJoe,andwitheachcallthingsgotworse.DadandMomdecidedtheyhadtogettomybedside.Then,astheypreparedtogo,Joecalledagain.
“Ijustspokewiththeneurosurgeon,Dr.Deshmukh,”Joesaid,“andhesaysthesituationisveryseriousandyoushouldcomedownimmediately.”
Dadcouldn’tbelievethephrasingJoehadused.Washesayingwhatitsoundedlike?
ToDad,youwouldnevertellarelativeonthephonethatalovedoneisdying.Whatifthatrelativewasatthewheelofacaratthatmoment?Whatifshewasinthekitchen,fainted,andhitherheadonthecounter?
No,youwouldeuphemizeuntilyoucouldtelltherelativeface-to-faceandprovidecomfortandassistance.Youwouldkeepitvagueonthephone,notsayingdeathwasimminent,butsayingonlythatthingswereserious.AsJoejusthad.
WashedeliberatelyresortingtothissortofcompassionatehazetoavoidsayingIwasdying?Orhadheinadvertentlychosenawordingnotrealizinghowadoctormightinterpretit?Foramoment—perhapstheworstofhislife,hesaidlater—Dadsawavoidopeningbeneathhisfeet.Hemightnotbeabletohandlewhatseemedtobehappening,thedeathofhisson.
“Holdit,”hesaidtoJoe.“YouhavejustseenChris.Isthereanydifferencewhatsoeverinhowheisfromthetimehewentintothehospitaltothetimeyoulastsawhim?”
Joewouldhavetobespecificnow.EitherIcouldstilltalkcoherently,asIcouldwhenIhadcalledDadafewhoursbeforeandhehadsentmetothehospital,orIcouldnot,becausetheaneurysmhadbeguntowreckmybrain,whichwouldmeanwewereheadedforsomethingcatastrophic.
“Oh,yeah,he’sfine,”Joesaid.
Hedidnotmeanfineasinhealthy.Hemeantnothinghadchangedsincemysymptomshadfirsterupted.Iwasstable.Dadsawthevoidclose.Butheknewthesituationremainedgrave,evenifitwasnotdeteriorating.Imightbeheadedforbrainsurgery.Thedoctorinhimknewtoomuchabouttheriskofopeningaskullandventuringinsidewithinstruments.Surgerymightrepairtheaneurysm,butcollateraldamagewasalwayspossible.WouldIhaveallmyfunctionswhenIlefttheoperatingroom?
Atleastfornow,Iwasneurologicallyallrightandsafelyinahospital,abigone,fullofneurosurgeonswhocouldreactifmybrainseemedtoworsen.“It’ssortoflikeinapokergame,”Dadsays,“andeverythingyouownisonthetable.That’sthebadnews.Thegoodnewsis,youhaveaprettygoodhand.”
Lookingback,beingapileofchipsissortofhowIfelt.
NowDad,amanwhodealsinfactsandeschewsdrama,didsomethinguncharacteristic,practicallysuperstitious.AsheandMomfranticallypackedtomakethetrainthatwouldtakethemtoWashington,hebecameobsessedwithfindingacertainlightweight,outdoorjacketofhis.Ithadbeenagiftfromme,broughtfromtheVancouverOlympicstwomonthsearlier.Hehadwornittoworkthatmorningandnowfelthehadtotakeitwithhim.Itwasalinktohisson,whowasindanger.
Hecouldn’tfindit.Helookedeverywhere.HeandMomevendrovebacktotheirmedicalofficetolook.Notthereeither.Theyhadtoleavewithoutit.
Excepttheydidn’t,becausethejacketwasinDad’ssuitcase,wherehehimselfhadputit,anactthatstressanduncertaintyhadpromptlyobliteratedfromhismemory.
chapterten
AKissIwasanexhaustedlabrataseveningcame.
Pokedanddrugged,scannedbyhugemachines.Acatheterhadtakenacruisethroughmytorso,mybrainhadbeensquirtedwithdyes,andIhadn’teatensincebeforedawn,whenIgotuptodoMJ.
Thehospitalbroughtfoodofsomesort,maybesoupandcrackers,andIknowIdrankalotofgingerale,butnothingcouldovercomethesensationofhavinggoneathousandroundswithabattalionofheavyweights.Theheadpoundinghadentereditsninthhour.Theemotionaltankwasonempty.
YetIdidn’tfeelIcouldgiveintofatigue.Mybraincouldn’tbetrusted,whichwasasorrythingtosayaboutitafterwehadspentsomanyhappyyearstogether.IfIshutitdownforsleep,itmightnotrestart.Noonehadsaidthat;Ijustbelievedit.
Idon’trememberwhichdoctoritwas,butinthepastfewhoursonehadtriedtobuckmeupbysayingagoodpercentageoffolkswitharupturedaneurysm—ifthat’swhatIhad—goontoleadprettynormallives.
Agoodpercentage?That’sit?“Good”soundedlike“nottoomany.”
Myspiritdidnotsoar.
Forthefirsttime,includingAndrew’sbirth,thoughtsofworkwerenotracingthroughmyhead.Ididn’tcareaboutit,whichwasliberating,buttherewasn’tmuchchoice.Mybraincouldnothandleanythingotherthanitsowndysfunction.Therewasnoroomtoponderwhatguestshadbeenbookedfortomorroworwhathottopicswemightpursue.Mentally,IhadtosurrenderasexecutiveproducerofMorningJoe.
Besides,MikaandJoeatsomepointhadsaidtheywouldnotbedoingMJ
tomorrow.They’dleavethehostingdutiestoWillieGeistbecausetheyweretooupset.Atthetime,Ireallydidn’tbelievetheywouldskipit.Buttheydid.Inretrospect,thisbecamepartofmyeducation.Wow,theydidn’tdoashowbecauseofme?Theywerethatconcerned?ThefileofevidencethatperhapsIworriedtoomuchwasthickening.
At5:45P.M.onthatfirstday,Dr.DeshmukhenteredmyICUroom,addingtothestanding-room-onlygathering.Joe,Mika,Louis,Jenny,me.Thedoctorwasgoingtogiveastatusreport,andJennyremembersheexudedcalmcompetence.Ashespoke,thereporterinMikascribbledonthebacksoftwosheetsofpaperapparentlyprovidedbyLouis,becauseonewasaprintoutofoneofhise-mailsandtheotherwasacopyofJoeandMika’sscheduleforthatday.Shegavemethosenotesasasouvenir.
Exactlytwelvehoursearlier,at5:45A.M.,wehadbeenfifteenminutesfromairtime.WhoknewwhenI’dgettodoanothershow.
Dr.Deshmukhbeganbysayingthearterieswithinmybrainlookedfine.Noneofthescans—andI’dhadthreebynow—hadfoundthecharacteristicsignsofananeurysm.
“That,”hesaid,“doesn’tmakemefeelanybetter.”
TherewasnodoubtIhadasubarachnoidhemorrhage.Andthebloodhadtohavecomefromsomewhere.Itwasn’tfiction.
“Iamstillverynervousaboutyou,”hesaid.“Iamconcernedyouhaveananeurysmthat’snotdetected.Inaweek,itmayshowup.Ifandwhenwefindit,wegoinandgetit.”
Sometimes,itcaneventakethreecerebralangiogramstolocatetheweakpointinthearterialsystem.Clearly,IwouldbeatGeorgeWashingtonforawhile.Ifnothingwerefoundduringasecondangio,Dr.Deshmukhsaid,maybeIcouldgohomeintwoweeks.
Twoweeks.
Lotsofpatientsarehospitalizedfortheirailmentsfarlonger,buttwoweeksseemedaneternitytosomeonewhohadneverbeeninahospital.Myheadacheswouldlastevenlonger,Dr.Deshmukhsaid,untiltherunawaybloodwas
absorbedbackintomysystem.
Hedidnotgointodetailaboutwhat“goinandgetit”meant,buttherearetwocommonways.Oneinvolvesaninteriorjourneyverymuchlikethecerebralangiogram.Acatheterispushedthroughthepatient’sarteries,thistimeallthewaytothesceneofthecrime.Acoilofwire—thinnerthanastrandofhair—ispushedthroughthecatheterandjammedintotheballoonoftheaneurysm.Thatfillsitandsealsitofffromtheartery,eliminatingtheweakspotthroughwhichbloodhasescaped.
Sometimes,though,theballoonissotinynocoilcanfitinside.Orsometimesitsneckissowideanycoilshovedinsidewillfallbackout,droppingintothemainbloodstream,whereitcouldleadtoastroke.Inthosecases,thesecondtypeoffixisused:brainsurgery.
Dr.DeshmukhfeltIwasacandidatefornumbertwo,buthekeptthattohimself.Hehadn’tfoundananeurysm,whichprobablymeantminewasreally,reallysmallandcoilingwouldprobablynotbepossible.Instead,whenhefoundthemicroscopicassailant,hewouldgointhroughtheskullandpinchofftheaneurysmwithatitaniumclip.It’snotasawfulordangerousasitsounds,hesays.Surgeryismoreinvasivethangoingtheinteriorroute,yes,butgettingridofaneurysmsthiswayhasbeendoneforhalfacentury.
IfIhadknownbrainsurgerywasinmyfuture,however,Iwouldn’thavefeltbetterthatithadbeendoneforhalfacentury.
Dr.Deshmukhcouldnotcloseofftheaneurysmbyeithermeans,ofcourse,ifhecouldnotfindit.Fornow,hewascallingahalttothehunt.Hedoesnotliketodocerebralangiogramsoneafteranotherinaconstantquestfortheaneurysm.Foronething,theprocedureitselfhasrisk.Andintheimmediateaftermathofarupture,thebodycancamouflagethescene,anditcantakeseveraldaysforthingstosettleandtheaneurysmbecomeeasiertosee.Becausehehadn’tseenmineafterthefirstangio,therewasachanceitwasbeingobscuredinjustthisway.Itmadelittlesensetosearchagainsosoon.Hewoulddoasecondcerebralangiogramaweekfromtoday.
Untilthen,wehadtobealertforanyneurologicalsignthattheaneurysm,whereveritwas,wasrupturingasecondtime.Theoddsofthatwerenotgreatandtheydiminishedeachday,butthethreatwasreal.Hedidnotsaythiseither,
butDr.Deshmukhhashadpatientswhosurvivetheinitialrupture,aresafelyensconcedintheintensivecareunit,andthensuffernewbleedinganddiebeforetheycangettosurgery.
Inotherwords,patientswhowereinpreciselymysituation.
Myignorancewasmyhappiness.
Butmaybeitwasn’tananeurysm,thedoctorwenton.Inabout15percentofcases,nodefinitivereasonforthebleedingisfound.It’samysteriousone-offevent,unlikelytohappenagain.Buthestillhadanobligationtokeephunting.
EveniftherewasnoaneurysmandIneverre-bled,therewasonelastseriousmatter.
Thebloodalreadythere.
Untilitwasabsorbed,itwasanirritant.Iheardthatalot.Anirritant.Apparently,therenegadebloodcouldirritatemeintoastrokebycausingmyhealthyarteriestospasm,andthemostlikelytimeframeforthatwasbetweenfiveandtendaysfromnow.Iwastostarttakingapilleverytwohours,nimodipine,whosepurposewastopreventarterialspasms.
Dr.Deshmukhrecallsthatatsomepointduringhisbriefing,IaskedwhetherIwouldbeabletogobacktowork.“Thisisaguywho’saccustomedtogo,go,go,fourinthemorningtowhateverlatehoursintheday,”hesays.Ididn’tseemconcernedImightneverbeabletodomyjobagain,hesays.Itwasmorethatmyschedulehadblownup.Heknowsthetype.“Theywanttogobacktoworkrightaway,andtheydon’tlikebeinginthehospitalandtheydon’tliketakingtimeoff.”
No,wedon’t.
Sothat’swherethingsstood.Possiblere-bleeds?Possiblespasms?IwasinmoreprecariousshapethanIhadthought.
Andthedaywasn’tdone.
ThoughIfinallyfeltreadytosuccumbtosleep,Ihadtoendureonemoretest.
Sometimes,theculpritincaseslikemineisatumorinthebrainoronthespinalcordthatrupturesandreleasesblood,mimickingthesymptomsofarupturedaneurysm.Dr.Deshmukhdidn’tthinkthat’swhathadhappenedtome,buthewantedtoruleitout.ThetestisalongoneinvolvinganMRI,andmostpatientshateit.
Ihatedit.
TheyheldoffthistestuntilMomandDadarrived,wellintothenightnow,comingdirectlyfromthetrainstation,wheretheyhadbeenpickedupbyanNBCcar.WillieGeist,whohadnotbeenwithusonthetriptoWashington,hadcomefromNewYorkonthesametrain,andremembersthinkingashewalkedinhowvulnerableIlooked,hookedtomonitors,pale,whipped.Itwassonotme,hethought.
Agreed.
IthoughtIsawtearsinMom’seyes.Dad,knowinghowmuchIliketocontrolthings,knewthatbeinginthiswholemesswoulddrivemecrazy.Hewasabouttobesoright.
Iwaswheeledawaytoanothersuite,putonanotherhard-surfaceslab,andonceagainslidintoamachine.Thisoneclickedrelentlessly,loudly.Iwasnotmedicatedthistimebecausethetestwasnotinvasive.Iwasmuchmoreawarethanduringthecerebralangiogram.
AsIlaytherefortwentyminutes,thirty,listeningtotheclicking,silentlyobjectingtomylackofcommandoveranythinginmyliferightnow,thewholedayroseupandpunchedme.Therewasnogoodtoanyofthis.Everythingsucked.Thebrainbleed,thetests,thefatigue,thedisruption,theinabilitytofindthethinginmyhead.Allsucked.WhyIthoughtthereshouldbesomegoodinallthis,Idon’tknow,butIfoundnone.Thethoughtswereprecursorsofmuchbigger,darkeronesthatwoulddescenduponmeinaweek.IlaytheresilentlyintheMRImachinewithnothingtodobutindulgemyirritation.
Whydoestheslabhavetobesohard?Whofuckingdesignedthisthingtobethathard?WecanputsomeoneonthemoonandthismachinehastobesoloudIcan’tevenhearmyselfthink?And,honestly,howlongdoesittaketodoamapofmybrain?
ThenIwassilentnolonger.
“Enough!”Iyelled.“Done!”
WhenIgotbackfromtheMRI,MomandDadandJennywerestillinmyroom.Itwaslatenow.MyparentswouldspendthenightatahotelNBChadfoundforthemandwouldpayfor.Jennywouldhavetoleavesoon,too;hospitalrules.Asmyparentsbegantogo,Dadstoppedandreturnedtomybed.Hebentclosetomyear,andwhispered.
“Iabsolutelyfuckingguaranteeyouthatyouwillbeallright,”hesaid.
Hedidn’tknowifIhadheardthis,becauseIseemedsotiredandbeatenup.ButIrememberhisvownow.Itgavemehope.Dadneverlies.Dadnevercoddles.IfhewaspromisingIwasgoingtobeallright,thenIwasgoingtobeallright.
Heleanedcloseandkissedme.
chaptereleven
TheCallerThoughIlongagogaveup,quitewillingly,theambitionofbeingananchororreporter,IwasoftenontheairduringatypicalMJ.InControlRoom3Aat30Rock,there’salwaysasmallcamerafocusedonmychairinthefrontrowbecauseIsometimesbanterwithJoeandMikaduringashow,usuallyaboute-mailsviewershavesentwhilewe’relive.Theyhavebecomeusedtoseeingtheyoungexecutiveproducerinhisdressshirtwithnotie,sleevesrolledup,headsetclampedovershort,wavyhair.
Myabsencewouldbenoticeableastimerolledon.Andonthefirstdayaftermyevent,itwouldbereallynoticeablethatMikaandJoeweren’tthere.SofromNBC’sfamedWashingtonbureau,WillieGeistexplainedtothoseathomewhatwasgoingon.
“OurfriendChrisLichtwasadmittedtoaWashingtonhospitalyesterdayafterexperiencingextremeheadpain,”Williesaid.“AsubsequentCATscanleddoctorstobelieveChrishadsufferedananeurysm.”
Sincechildhood,Ihaveenjoyedthethrillandexcitementofcoveringnews,butneverhadIbeenthenewsbeingcovered.Mybrainbleedwasinvertingthenaturalorder.
“Chrisisinstablecondition,”Williewenton,“andsufferednoneurologicaleffectsfromtheincident.Weexpecthimtomakeafullrecovery.WedoaskthatyoupleasekeepChrisinyourprayers.”
Iamnotreligious,andinthepastmyreactionuponhearingthatsomeonewasprayingforsomeoneelsewasentirelycynical.Goodforyou,terrific.Nowpeopleweregoingtoprayforme.Jenny’saunt,anuninBoston,evenmadesuremynamewasincludedamongthoseforwhomhercongregationwastoprayatMass.Allthisfeltrathergood,surprisingly.Ilikedtheideathatspiritualthoughtsweretravelingthroughthecosmosonmybehalf.Whatevermightwork
togetmeoutofthis,Iwasinfavorof.
Ididn’tseeorhearWilliereadhisstatementbecausethetelevisioninmyICUroomofferedmanychannelsbutMSNBCwasnotoneofthem,asourceoffrustrationduringmyentirestay.Nor,therefore,didIseehimchatontheairafewminuteslaterwithMikeAllen,thechiefpoliticalwriteroftheWebsitePolitico,whohadmentionedmybrainbleedinhiscolumnthatday,acolumnreadbythesamepeoplewhowatchMJ,namely,theentirepoliticaluniverse.
Butnotlongafterallthisdiscussionontheair,itbecameclearsomebodymusthavesaidsomethingaboutme,becausemyBlackBerrylitupwithe-mails.Jennynowhadpossessionofitasaprecautionagainstmyworsttendencies,andshebeganreadingaloudthethingsthatwerefloodingin.E-mailsfrompeopleatNBCIhardlyknew.PeopleatNBCI’dhaddisagreementswith.Civilianswhowerefansoftheshow,maybehadseenmyface.
Thinkingofyou.
Getwell.
Itwasmerelythebeginning.Intime,ChrisMatthews,thehostofHardballonMSNBC,wouldsendanotesaying,Aren’tyoutheguywhocreatedthatmorningshowthat’sgotallthebuzz?Letmeknowifyouwantmymoviecollection—ortocomevisitandloveyoucloseup.DorisWoodofSurprise,Arizona,saidshereallymissedseeingmeontheair.LindaTatumofFortRiley,Kansas,saidIneededtohurrybackbecauseJoe,Mika,andWillie“needexperiencetobalancethemout(smile).”BonnieMcGregorofMenloPark,California,wantedtheshowtokeepgivingupdatesaboutmyconditionbecauseIdosuchagoodjobwiththeproductionvalues,shesaid.AndBrianWilliams,theanchoroftheNBCEveningNews,sentalettersayingmyeventhadsentachillthrough30Rockbecausesomanyadmiredme.
Thiswasoverwhelming,especiallythereactionfromcolleagues.Ididn’tknowaboutallthisadmirationBrianmentioned.Iassumedmyfanbasewaslimited.Afterall,akillerproducer,ashegoesabouthiskilling,inflictscasualties.Iftheshowmattersaboveallelse,asitdidtome,hurtingsomeone’sfeelingsbybeingtoughorbrusqueisaninevitableresult.
Iwasawareenoughofmyreputationtohavesetouttobenicerandsendfewernastye-mails,andIwasmakingprogress.Buttheaffectionandconcernnow
floatingintomyhospitalroomelectronicallywasarevelation,onethatpenetratedtomycore.Anyplacehasitsfeuds,andMSNBCcanhaveideologicalonesbecausesomeshowsleanleftandJoeScarboroughismoreconservative.Butthee-mailssaid,ineffect,thatnobodywasfocusedonthat.PeoplewerethinkingofChristheguy,theoneinthehospitalbed,notChristheproducer.Iwassotouchedbythisthatintheaftermathofmyillness,ifIknowyouandIfindoutyou’resick,you’llgetanotefromme.Neverdidthatbefore.Gettinggoodwisheswhenyou’reinatoughspotmeansalot.Trustme.
Whathappenednext,however,wasquiteridiculous.
IbegantothinkIwasn’tsickenough.
Thesenotesareverynice.Theyreflectgenuineconcern.Andyet,otherthanareallybadheadacheandintravenoustubes,Ifeelfine.Ifeellikeme.Doctorshavegoneinandfoundnothingotherthantheblood.Thiscouldamounttonothingbutafreak,minorthing.AmIreallyworthyoftheattentioninthesee-mails?AmIgoingtoseemliketheboywhocriedwolf?WillpeoplefeelburnedifIturnouttobefineandtheygotallworkedupfornothing?
Atthispoint,remember,Ididn’tknowthefullriskIfacedbecauseIdidn’tknowallthestatistics,theonessuggestingthatthenumberofpeopleinmysituationwhoemergewholeisonlyaveryfortunateminority.IfIhadknownthat,ImightnothavebeenanxiousaboutwhetherIwarrantedthesee-mailsandletters.
ButIwasanxiousnow.
Nowcameacomplementarythought.
Ifallthesepeopleweresendingallthesee-mails,theymustthinkI’minterribleshape.TheymustthinkI’mavegetable.Ifyouannounce,asWilliehad,thatsomeoneisexpectedtomakeafullrecovery,that’scrap,isn’tit?That’sanotherwayofsayingthatfornow,aswespeak,thepoorguyisnotdoingtoowellatall.
Inthecorridorsofthenationalmedia,whichweretheonesIcaredabout,theywouldassumeIwasdone,nolongeryoung,nolongerenergetic,nolongerakiller.Althoughmadewiththebestofintent,Willie’sstatementsuggestedthatthemasterandcommanderofMorningJoewasnowfragile.
Icouldn’tbeseenthatway.Inmyjob,everybodylookstobullyandtake
advantage.Ifyou’reapushover,yougetrunover.Andthat’swhatpeoplewouldthink.AsIlaythereinthehospital,ImightwellhavestoppedcaringabouttheparticularsofthenextMJ,butIstillcaredaboutmyprofessionalstanding,evenwithabrainbleed.Myeducation-through-illnesswasn’tfarenoughalongyetformetonotcarewhatpeoplethought.
Threedayslater,onMay2,MikaandJoedidaspecialSundayeditionoftheshowfromthelawnoftheWhiteHouse.Wehadlongplannedthis,becausetheWhiteHouseCorrespondents’AssociationdinnerwasgoingtotakeplacethenightbeforeanditwouldbefuntorehashthejokesandthecelebritysightingsandPresidentObama’sremarks.
Thatdinnerisoneofmyfavorites,anditwasdepressingtomissit,butJennyandIhadatleastwatchedonC-SPAN.ButwithoutMSNBCavailableinmyroom,Icouldn’tseethespecialMJthenextmorning.SowecalledNBCfrommyhospitalroom,andJennyandIlistenedonspeakerphonetoalivefeedoftheshowonacall-inline.
SomeonetoldJoeIwasparkedthere,eavesdropping.
Hedecidedthiscallerhadtobeheard.
Ihadn’tpreparedforthis.Butrightaway,Ilikedtheidea.JoeseemedtosenseIwouldbeworriedaboutmyimage.Ifheputmeontheair,ifonlybyphone,peopleouttherewouldhearmyvoice,hearmythoughts,andrealizeIwasstillme.Evenbetter,myhealthwasimprovingalready.TheyhaddoneanotherCATscanbecausemyheadreallyhurt,andithadshownthebloodwasbeingreabsorbedfasterthanexpected.
Sittingindirector’schairswiththeWhiteHousebehindthem,MikaandJoelookedasiftheyhadpartiedwaytoomuchatthedinner.Theyworesunglasses.ButtheyandWilliewerechipperastheycuedupthecallerfromthehospital.TheybeganbynotingthatAlecBaldwinhadaskedaboutmeatthedinnerthepreviousnight.
“Howareyoufeelingrightnow,Chris,”Joesaid,“andhowaretheytreatingyouatGW?”
Forananosecond,Istammeredslightly,thengotgoing.
“Ifeelalotbetter.Reallyturnedthecorneryesterday,andtheycouldn’tbetreatingmeanybetter,whichislargelybecauseMikagotonthephoneandyougotonthephone,andthey’vejustbeenamazinghere.”
Myvoicewasfindingitsstride.
“Alotofoutpouring,whichhasreallyhelped,andIwillsayIdon’tthinktheICUhasseenanythinglikeyoutwolastnightbeforethedinner.”
MikaandJoehadshownthetelevisionaudiencephotosofthemselvesintheirformalwearvisitingmyroom,Mikadrapedacrossmybedandleaningintogiveakiss.Myfacewascherrywithembarrassment.
“Iknowthiswillshockyou,Chris,”Joesaid,“butsinceyou’veleftwe’vemissedeverybreak.”
“Andlastnight,wehadnoideawheretogo,”Mikasaid,meaningIhadn’tbeentheretosteerthemaroundthedinner.“Wewerelost.”
Theywerekeepingitlight,whichsuggestedallwasfinewithmeandthiswastemporary.
“Well,”Isaid,“ifyouwanttoknowjusthowboredIaminthehospital,youeverwonderwholooksattheonlinefeedofthepeopleatthedinnerbeforethedinneractuallystarts?Thatwasme.”
“Thatisdark.”Willielaughed.
“Youwereinadark,darkplace,”Joesaid.
Iwaskeepingitlight,too,becauseIcould.See,brainworking.
Mika,Joe,andIjokedlaterthatIreallyshouldhavedrooledandslurredasmanywordsaspossible,becausethatwouldcometobewhatpeopleassumedIwaslikeanyway.
chaptertwelve
AHeadinaLapInthemidstofthis,somethingelsehugewasunderwayinthelifeoftheLichts.Afewdaysintomyhospitalstay—Ican’trememberwhen;thedaysblended—JennyenteredmyroomintheintensivecareunitwearingasmileandwavinganultrasoundphotothatGeorgeWashington’sradiologydepartmenthadtakenthatmorning.
ThephotoshowedBLT,aswecalledit.
BabyLichtTwo.
AbloodtestdonebeforemyeventhadrevealedJenny’snewpregnancy,althoughwehadtoldalmostnoone.ShehadbeenscheduledtohaveaconfirmingultrasoundinNewYorkbuthadtoskipitaftermybrainbleed.GWhadbeenaskingiftherewasanythingweneeded,anythingitcoulddotomakeourliveseasier,andweeventuallysaidanultrasound.
Jennywasn’tsureaboutthis.Thechancewasremote,butwhatifthetestrevealedababyindistress?Howcouldthatbegoodforherhospitalizedhusband?Butshecouldtellthetestwasimportanttome.Iwantedtoknowsheandthebabywerehealthy,andIneededanupliftingsomething,apieceofunalloyedgoodnews.Onthismorning,hereitwas,aphotoofmysecondchild,noweightweeksalong,toosoontoknowtheflavor,buthereitwas.
I’vealwaysknownJennyisstrong.Butconsiderwhattheultrasoundphotoreallysaid.Itsaidthatinadditiontocopingwithaspousewhoseheadwashaywire,mullinganofferfromCNNmadewhileshewasonthetraintomybedside,andkeepingintouchwithourfirstbornwhohadnowbeenwhiskedtomysister’sinBostonandwhomshedearlymissed,Jennywasgoingtohavetoridethroughmycrisiswhiletakingcareofherselfandthenewlifeinherbelly.CarloAngeloCruz,oneofmynurses,calledherthe“superwoman.”
Shewoundupasacop,too.
“Shehadtofieldthemostincrediblesuccessionofpeoplecominginandoutofthatroom,”Momremembers,“tryingtomakejusttherightbalancebetweenhavinghimknowthatpeoplewereconcernedbutnothavinghimcompletelyswamped.”
SomanyvisitorsreachedRoom284oftheICUthatchairswoundupgroupedaroundmybedlikeIwasafirepitprovidingwarmth.MikaandJoecameuntiltheyhadtogobacktoNewYork;MomandDadcameeveryday;mysister,Stephanie,andmybestfriend,Marc,came;andNBCtypes.Myseniorstaff—AlexKorson,PeteBreen,andAnnEdelberg—allcame,too.Marcthought,illnessornot,Iwasn’treallyoffthejobatall.Thejobwascomingtome.Butthelaughterwastherapeutic,eveniflaughingmademyheadhurtevenmore.
PhilGriffincamewithagift,aniPadstockedwithappstokilltime.Dr.DeshmukhcameeverydaytoseehowIwasdoing.Hedidn’tknowI’ddoneagueststintontheSundayMJandwasn’tthrilledwhenhefoundoutmonthslater.Fairlyoften,mynurseCarlohelpedtokeepmymusclesinshapebywalkingwithme,firstwithintheroomforafewsteps,thenoutinthehall.Andonegloriousdayneartheend,oneofmyothernurses,ElisaWeiss,gotpermissiontotakemedownstairsinmywheelchairandouttheveryemergency-roomdoorsIhadwalkedinthatfirstterribleWednesday.Foracoupleofminutes,parkedoutside,Elisa,Jenny,andIbaskedinthesunandinhaledthesmellsofspring.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadbeenoutofthebuilding,andIfeltenormouslybuoyed,likeImightbeinthehomestretch.Thankyou,Elisa.
Bothofmyfamilies,theonefrom30RockandtheoneIspendholidayswith,allthepeopleIloved,hadcometogethertohelp,whichfilledmypainfulheadwithmuchcheer.Mikaintroducedherselftomymotheras“Chris’sothermommy.”AndIcouldtellDadwasveryproudhissonknewallthesehigh-flyingNBCpeople.HeandMomwatchMorningJoebuttheyhadnevercometotheset.Mika,Joe,thepresidentofMSNBC,everybody,heretoseeChris?Impressive.
Muchofthetime,though,itwasonlyJennyandme.
Ican’trecallspendingasmuchqualitytime.Itwastogetherness,sponsoredbycrisis.Thebrainbleedreaffirmedallthosereasonswehadmarriedbutthataworkweekcanovershadow.WetalkedaboutAndrew,whowastooyoungtogetonthephonewithme,andwetooktripsdownnostalgiahighway.“Stupidstuff,”Jennysays.WeareLaw&Orderfans,andwatchedreruns.Theordinarinesswas
thebeauty.
Gradually,thoughtsbuddedaboutwhatwasgoingonatMJ.IaskedfortheBlackBerry.Hadtochecktheratings.Iwasfeelingbetter.
Noself-pitywassharedbetweenJennyandme.Donotpictureaweepingwifeslumpedacrossherbelovedhusband’shospitalbedasthecouplelamentsTheFatesthathavedonethistotheirhappyexistence.EveninthedarkdaysafterIgothome,nowailingabouthowthiswasunfaireverpassedmylips.Tositpassivelyandbemoanbadlucksolvesnothing.Idealwiththehandthat’sbeendealt.Idon’twastetimewishingforothercards.
NordidJennyandIdiscusswhatmyillnessmightmeanforourfuture.Certainlywehadnoconversationsaboutdying,becauseneitherofusthoughtIwould.Deathwasapossibility,yes,butonlyinthewayitiswhenyouboardanairplane.Instead,mostofthetime,IwonderedwhereIwouldwinduponthescaleofpossiblelastingeffects.WeconcentratedongettingoutofthereandgoingbacktoNewYorkandhavingBLTandgettingbacktonormal.Iwantednormal,whatevernormalwasgoingtobe.
Onedayatthehospital,Jenny’scellphonerang.ThescreensaidUNKNOWNNUMBER.
“Hello?”
“Jenny?”
“Yes?”
“JoeBiden.”
Justlikethat.Nosecretaryintervening.Him.
“Oh.Hello,Mr.VicePresident.”
Cell-phonereceptionintheICUwaschronicallybad,andnowJennywasterrifiedoflosingthecall,becausehowdoyoucallback“unknownnumber”?Thesignalatthemomentwasgood.Shefrozeinplaceandlistenedbecause,asyoumighthaveheard,JoeBidenisagreattalker.
HetoldherIwasgoingtobefine.Thedoctorwasgreat.Thehospitalwasgreat.And,ofcourse,hewaslivingproofIwouldbegreat.HehadsurvivedwhatIhad.Yes,thenotknowingandthewaitingweredifficult,hesaid,butdon’tworry.
Thankfully,hedidn’tdowhatmanywell-wishersdid,whichwasadoptacommiseratingpersonaandsayever-so-sincerelythatmysituationwasoh-so-terribleandoh-my-Godhowyoudoing?Instead,Bidenmadeusfeelthebindwewereinwasnothing,ablip.
Anotherday,JeffZuckershowedup.Hewasthebossofallmybosses,thepresidentandCEOofNBCUniversal.Quickly,Imorphedfromhospitalpatienttoloyalandhardworkingemployee.MikaandJoe’sblitzonmybehalfmighthavestartedtoeasemyfearsaboutwork,butthisvisitstillrequiredmajorgameface.Zucker’sTheGuy.
Can’twaittogetback,Itoldhim,whichwasn’ttrue.Icouldwait,quiteabitlonger.IaddeditwassoannoyingthattheTVinmyhospitalroomdidn’tcarryMSNBCsoIcouldwatchmyshowandnotmissanimportantthing.Inotherwords:Jeff,Iampracticallynotsickandthenetworkisabsolutelyuppermostinmymind,notthispoolofbloodcoatingmybrain.
Zuckerreadthisforwhatitwas:nonsense.
We’veallheardpeoplesaynothingismoreimportantthanhealth.Butwhentheysaythat,it’smorereflexthanbelief,andtheyoftensecretlythinkyou’remalingering.
Zuckerisdifferent.Yearsago,hehadcomeclosetodyingfromcoloncancer.HehadmadethejourneyIwasnowmaking.Heknewnojobmattersallthatmuch,workisonlywhatyoudo.Heknewphysicalwell-beingistheprimedirective.
Heleanedin.
“Nothingismoreimportant,”hesaid.“Don’tworryaboutanything.We’vegotitcovered.We’vegotyoucovered.”
Okay,Isaid.
Heapparentlydidn’tthinkhe’dgottenthrough.
“Chris.”
Pause.
“There’snothingmoreimportant.”
Heisawiseman.Hehelpedmeletgo—letgoofwork—evenmorethanIhad.
Theworstday,otherthanthefirst,wastheFridaytwodayslater.AsJennysatwithme,Itriedtosaysomething.WhatcameoutwasakindoflinguisticCobbsalad.Everythingwasthere,butalltossed.“Bed,outside,window.”Somethinglikethat.
JennycouldtellbymyfacethatIknewmywordsweregibberishbutshecouldalsotellIcouldn’tself-correct.Didthisheraldare-bleeding?Wasthistheanticipatedspasminadvanceofastroke?Isthisthedescent?
Ihadhadabadnight.Sincethefirstday,nurseshadbeencomingeveryhourortwoandleadingmethroughthosefamiliarneurologicaltestsdesignedtocatchbraindeteriorationasearlyaspossible,sothehospitalcouldswingintoaction.Shrugyourshoulders.Stickoutyourtongue.Closeyoureyesastightasyoucan.Ialwayspassed.
“WhoisthepresidentoftheUnitedStates?”anursesaidduringonevisit.
“Youknow,”Isaid,joking,“wereallydon’tknowbecausewehaven’tseenhisbirthcertificate.”
Ha.
Thetestsdidnotceaseatnight,somysleepwasbrokenandbattered,andonthisFridaymorningIhadbeensurly.Theyhadgivenmeadrugandithadknockedmeout,untilIawokespeakingintonguestoJenny.
Shewentinsearchofanursewhoquicklydeterminedthevillainwasthedrug,notmybrain.ButmostofthetimeintheICU,thoughtsofare-bleedorsuddendysfunctionhoveredoverthebed.AnyminuteIexpectedmyvisionwouldblurormytonguewouldmangleaword.Whyelsewouldtheybetestingmeconstantly?IhadhadnowarninginthebackoftheEscaladethatmorning.ItseemedreasonableI’dgetnowarningthesecondtime.
Are-bleedwasnottheonlyopenquestioneither.
Wouldtherebebrainsurgery?
Ifananeurysmwasfoundduringthecomingsecondcerebralangiogram,myheadwouldprobablybeopenedup,thoughIdidn’tknowthatwasDr.Deshmukh’slikelyremedy.Ionlyknewwhathehadsaid,thathe’dgoinandgetit.Dad,however,knewbrainsurgerywasarealpossibilityandhewasworried,notbecauseGeorgeWashingtondidn’tknowwhatitwasdoing,butbecausebrainsurgeryisinherentlydelicate.
Butatleastit’sdefinitive.Aneurysmfound,aneurysmremedied.Caseclosed.Goinpeace,myson.
Notfindingone,though,wouldleaveaneternalmystery.WhyhadIbled?ItwouldbelikeagameofClueinwhichnomurdersuspectwaseverfoundinanyroomwithanyweapon.Dadactuallypreferredthisscenario,though,becausehedidnotwantasurgicalexpeditionaryforcewalkingaroundinmyhead.
OnWednesday,May5,oneweektothedayafterIhadarrivedintheemergencyroom,Iwasagainwheeledtothecerebralangiogramsuite.Onceagaintheycutintomyleg,ranthecatheter,shotthedye,scannedthescans.
Onceagain,noaneurysm.
Oddswererisingmybleedhadbeenfreakish.Dr.Deshmukhwantedathirdcerebralangiogramintwoweeks,butthingslookedallrightatthemoment.Ihadnosigns,either,ofanysecondaryimpactfromthereleasedblood.
Soonerthanhadseemedpossibleondayone,Icouldgohome.
Thenextday,NBCsentacaranddriver,andJennyandIpiledintothebackseatfortherideupInterstate95,toNewYorkandAndrewandtherestorationofourlife,oratleastthebeginningoftherestorationofourlife.Somemasterywascomingbacktome.Ifeltgood,orasgoodasyoucanwithaheadachethatwasnoweightdaysold.
Thehospitalgavemedo’sanddon’tsaswegotreadytoleave.Don’tdrive.Don’texercise.Don’tdoanythingthatraisesbloodpressure.Dotaketheantispasmpills.Butnothingwassaidabouthowtodealwithmyemotions.Ileft
GeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospitalneverhavingdealtwithatopiccertainlyworthyofsomemajorconsideration.
Whathadsudden,random,life-threateningillnessdonetome?
Nottomybody.Me.
Inthecar,I’mprettysureIputmysadheadinJenny’slap.
chapterthirteen
AnAngryManOneofDr.Deshmukh’sinstructionswasnowork.
Nochanceofthat.
Uponarrivingatoureighteenth-floorapartmentontheUpperWestSideonThursday,May6,Ihadanemotional—onmyend,anyway—reunionwithAndrew,whodidnotseemfazedhisfatherhadbeenaway.MJtakesmeoutoftownquiteabit.Andrewisusedtoabsences,thoughhavingbothparentsawayforsolongwasbeyondournorm.IfhehadnotbeengladtoseemeorhadbeenconfusedastowhoIwas,thatwouldhavebeenadaggerinmytiredheart.
Ithenretreatedtotheliving-roomcouch,whereIlargelystayedforthedurationofthemend,mainliningtelevision.Tothedoormanofourbuilding,tothedriverfromWashingtonoranyoneelse,ImusthavelookedlikecrapbecauseIfeltlikeit.Myheadremainedhostile,thoughmedshelped.Ontopofthat,myhipshurt.Theyhadbeenhurtingbeforemyevent,maybebecauseofjoggingIhadbeendoing,buttheyhurtevenmorenow.
Inthecomingdays,itwasobviousmysonandIcouldn’tplayasweusuallydid,becauseIhadnogasforextendedromps.Iwasn’tsleepingwell.Movingaboutwasachore,althoughthatfirstdayathomeIdidgetuptotakeashower,myfirstsincetheCivilWar.Atthehospital,theyhadonlysponge-bathedme,soacompleteself-rinsewasdelightful,becauseIcontrolledtheshampoo,Icontrolledthesoap,andIcontrolledtheduration.
Mealsbeganarrivingatourdoor.PhilGriffinsentlasagnathefirstnight,andwhileitwasheaventonolongerbeeatinghospitalfare,thedeliveriesweresorichtheycouldnotpossiblybegoodforapatientwhohadbeentoldnoexercise.Iforcedmyself.
CNNhadtoldJennytotakeallthetimeoffshewantedtotakecareofme.Shedeliveredanantispasmpilleverytwohours,eventhroughthenight,which
meantshedidn’tgetsteadysleepeither,probablynotagoodthingforBLT.WewatchedalotofTVandmanymovies.IwatchedMJacoupleoftimes,onlytoseelittlethingsIwouldhavedonedifferentlyornotdoneatall.Itwaslikesittinginthebackseatwhilesomeoneelsedrivesyourcar.Icoulddonothingaboutthemfromtheapartment,soIstoppedwatching.
Moreget-wellcardscame.Sodidmoree-mailsfromJoeScarborough.HenevercalledwhileIwashome,andIthinkIknowwhy.Ifhehad,ImighthavedonewhatIdidwithZucker.Imighthavefakedgoodhealthandboundlessenthusiasm.HeavoidedthecharadebysendinglittlemissivesthatrequiredonlythatIenjoyhisconcern.
Howyoufeelingthismorning?
Callifyouneedanythingatall!
CallmeifIcanhelpinanyway.
Theworryofasecondeventwasthere,eventhoughthemedicalchanceofonewasverysmall.MybrainhadbeenCAT-scanned,MRI’d,andcerebral-angiogrammedsothoroughlythatIhadmuchmorereasontobelieveIwasaneurysm-freethan,forexample,youdo.Yourgraymatterhasnotbeenrepeatedlysweptelectronicallyforpossiblemines.
Butworryaboutthatsecondeventwasnotamatterofreason.MikarecallshowshehatedthisperiodwhenIseemedtoberecoveringbutwhenIcouldbestruckdownagain.“Itwasnotoverwhenitwasover,”shesays.
AweekafterIgothome,ane-mailarrivedasItalkedwithPhil,whohadcalledtocheckonthepatient.ItwasfromsomeoneatNBC’shumanresourcesdepartment.
Hopethise-mailfindsyouwellandimproving,itsaid.Sohappytohearyouarehome.Ijustwantedtofollowupthatwehavenotreceivedanyinformationregardingyourleaveandwantedtoremindyouthatyouneedtocallthedisabilitycenter.
Disabilitycenter?
Iamdisabled?
Iamnotdisabled.
Likeaneurysmacoupleofweeksearlier,thewordwasapunch.
Thestoryseemedtobethatanyoneabsentfromworkmorethanacertainnumberofdays—andIwascomingclose—mustbeclassifiedas“disabled,”whichapparentlyhassomethingtodowithwhichpotofmoneypaysthehandicappedemployee.Untilnow,everyonehadworkedsohardtomakemyillnessaseasytonavigateaspossible.NowIhadtodopaperwork?Itjustfeltcold.Bloodless.
Icalledhumanresourcesandaskedwhetheritwouldn’tmakemoresenseformetoskipthewholedisability-centerthingandusevacationdaystocovertheonesIhadmissedandwouldcontinuetomiss.I’dworkedforNBCforfifteenyearsandhadmountainsofuntouchedvacationdays,becauseworkroutinelykeptmefromtakingthemall.Buthumanresourceswasadamant.Myrecordshadtoreflectwhathadhappened.IfIgotsickagainandmissedmanymoredays,theysaid,I’dregretnothavingdulynotedtheillnessinthebooksandhadtheproperaccountscharged.
Ihadtobemarkeddisabled.
Thepaperworkwasannoying.Themessagewasworse.Forthefirsttime,myillnesswasn’tacrisisonlywithinmycircleofcolleaguesandfamily.ItwasanNBCthing,amatterofcorporaterecord.Somewhereinsomedatabase,aboxwasbeingchecked.
Disabled:Licht
Thealwayshealthy,perpetuallyenergetic,no-setbacksemployeewasgettingablemish.Andaren’tpeoplewhoareondisabilitysimplygamingthesystem?Isn’tthatwhatpeoplewouldthink?
Afewdayslater,athickpacketarrivedwithformsandexplanationsaboutCOBRAandwhowaspayingmysalary,NBCorthestateofNewYork.Itmightseemimplausible,butthatpacketandallthestuffaboutdisabilitypushedmethroughapsychologicalbarrierandintoaconfrontationatlastwiththemeaningofwhatIwasgoingthrough.
Before,inthehospital,Ihadbeeninattackformation,participatinginthehunt
tofindthesourceofmyproblemandguardingagainstitssideeffects.Wehadimmediategoals,suchaspassingwhateverthetestsofthedaywere,andwehadalong-rangeone,gettingoutofthereandgoinghome.Visitorsdescendeddaily.Doctorscamedaily.Mealsandmedicinewerebrought.TheICUisatwenty-four-hourplace,neverclosed.Iwasoccupiedanddiverted.
Upondischarge,thisbustlehadleftmylife.Eachdaynowwasfairlyuneventful.Usually,itwasmywifeandsonandIinthequietofourapartment,andIhadinstructionstodonothingbutrelaxasweawaitedonemoretriptoWashingtonforathirdcerebralangiogram,whichwouldeitherfindnothingandIcouldgetmoreseriousaboutreturningtowork,orfindananeurysm,whichwoulddelaymeevenmoreastheyrepaireditandIrecovered.
Ihadtimetothink,inotherwords.That’swhatthedisabilitye-mailandthehealthpackettriggered.Thinking.Andnotofthegoodkind.
Bynow,IhadmoredataabouttheseverityofaneurysmsthanIhadinthehospital.OnereasonwassomeonenamedBretMichaels,anactor,director,andmostfamouslyasingerwiththeheavy-metalbandPoison.Afewdaysbeforemyevent,hehadsufferedexactlywhatIhad,amassiveheadachefollowedbyadiagnosisofsubarachnoidhemorrhaging.Ihadbeenreadingstoriesabouthishospitalization,andthereweremany,becauseMichaelsisalotmorefamousthantheexecutiveproducerofMJ.
Sprawledonthecouchorlyinginbedduringthesedays,IbegantogetupsetatthemysteriousthinginmyheadthatwasnowrenderingmethedisabledguyonanNBCform.Iwentoverandoverthepastcoupleofweeks.Dadhadwarnedthataftergettinghome,Imightgetdepressed.Thiswasn’tthat.Thiswasanger.Itriedtocalmmyselfbysayingitcouldhavebeenalotworse.Afterall,Ihadonlywoundupwithheadaches,nothandicaps.
Thatcheerytackdidnogood.Ithadtheoppositeeffect.
Wait.Thiscouldhavebeenalotworse.Thisfuckingthingcouldhavetakenmeout.
Igotmadderstillatmyhead’sdefectionfromitsnormalstate.Forme,angerisnotsomethingtobeenduredpassively,buttoactupon.Itscausemustbeconfronted.Blamemustbeapportioned.Theremustbeanoutcome.
Whoorwhatwasresponsibleformynear-deathexperience?
WherecanIunloadthisanger,soIcanfeelbetter?
Ihadbeentoldaneurysmsmoreorlesshappen.Ifyousmokeorusedrugs,yourriskisgreater,orifyouhavehighbloodpressure,orifseveralpeopleinyourfamilyhavehadone.Butnoneofthatappliedtome.
DidIbecomesick,then,becauseofmylifestylechoices,likelivinginNewYorkorenjoyingaglassofwinewithdinner?Wasmyhomenexttoalandfillorbeneathutilitylinesandmybodyhadbeenpoisonedorzapped,leadingtoabulgingartery?DidIconsumemassivelycaloricmeals?Drivefastcars?Indulgeincocaine?
No,noneofthat.Iwasinnocent.
WereMomandDadtoblameforpassingdownaneurysmDNA?
No,theyhadn’t.
Wasitthejob,thetelevisionindustry,thatdidthis?
Lotsofpeopleassumestresswasinvolved.ButDr.Deshmukhhadtoldmestressdoesnotcausearteriestoinflateintoaneurysms.
NothingIhaddonecausedthisflawinmybrain.Nobodyhaddoneanythingtome.Minewastheworstkindofanger.Itcamewithoutareleasevalve.
Mythinkingspiraled.
ItwasaJimmyStewartsortofspiral,asinIt’saWonderfulLife,whichisacornyanalogy,butIdidbegintoimaginewhattheworldwouldhavebeenlikewithoutme.
Ihadalwaysenvisionedacertainwomanwithcertaincharacteristicscomingintomylifeandthenshehad,andhernamewasJenny.WeweregoingtohaveaNormanRockwellsamplerofkids,sports,andfamilygatherings.AndrewandIwouldplaycatch.AndrewandIwoulddohishomework.Hewouldgetmarried.JennyandIwouldflowgentlyintooldage.
Mybrainbleednearlysnuffedthat.
IimaginedJennyasasinglemom.Sheenjoysherjob,butsheprefersbeingathome.IfIhaddied,shewouldhavehadnochoicebuttocontinueworkingtosupportherselfandAndrew.ShewouldhavegivenbirthtoBabyLichtTwo,achildIwouldneverhaveseen,andshewouldhavebecomeasinglemomwithtwicetheparentalresponsibility.
IimaginedhowitwouldhavebeenforAndrewifIhaddiedinthehospital.Hewouldhavebeenathisaunt’shouseinBostonandtheywouldhavedrivenhimbacktoNewYork,wherehewouldhavefoundonlyJennyinourapartmentfromthatdayon,andhewouldn’tunderstandwhyDaddywasgoneforgood.Iwouldn’thavebeentheretowitnessthemake-your-heart-melttrickhehasperfectedoflate.InveteranManhattanitestyle,hethrowshistwo-year-oldarmskywardandyells,“Taxi!”
AtVanityFair’spartyfollowingtheWhiteHouseCorrespondents’Associationdinnerin2009,IhadalongconversationwithafellowSyracusegraduate,TayeDiggs,theBroadwayandscreenactorwhoismarriedtoactressIdinaMenzel.TayeandIdinawereafewmonthsawayfrombeingparentsforthefirsttimeandTayeaskedthatnightwhatfatherhoodwaslike,becauseAndrewhadbeenbornafewmonthsearlier.Myanswerwasunoriginal.Thatmadeitnolessfelt.
Iwouldkillformyson,ItoldTaye.Iwouldneverhavekilledanybodybefore,butifsomeonethreatenedmysonnow,Iwoulddoit.Inthefirstminutesafterhisbirth,theyhadhandedAndrewtome,andastheytendedtoJenny,ithadbeenhimandmealoneinanotherroom.Ihadmadeapromise.
“Iwillneverletanythinghappentoyou.”
Thebrainbleednearlymademealiar.Iwouldn’thavebeentheretowardoffthebadthingsmenacinghim.Mydadhadbeenthereformeinthehospital,butIalmostwasn’tthereforAndrew.
Asthesethoughtsswirled,myfutureasanexecutiveproducernevercameup.Ididnotthinkabouthowmycareerasaplayermighthavebeenburiedwithme.It’struethatinthehospitalIhadconcernsaboutgettingbacktoworkandwhetherWillie’sstatementwouldmakemeseemfragile.Butnow,athome,onlyJennyandAndrewandBLTmattered.TheywerewhatIhadalmostlost,notNBC.
Theproducerinmewantedtofindsomeonetoreprimand,oranactiontotake,inresponsetomybleed.Butmyeffortswentnowhere.Inretrospect,Iwonderiftheangerwassimplyawaytomaskadeepsadness.
Ididnotthrowthings.Ididnotyell.Thecontemplationofthetrueseriousnessofmyillnesshadnoexteriormanifestations.Isoughtnoprofessionalhelp.Itoldnooneaboutanyofthis,notevenJenny,becauseI’mthefamily’sprotectoranddidnotwishtoseemweakinhereyes.Isolvethefamily’sproblems.Idon’tbecomeone.JennywasalreadymissingworkformeandalreadyservingasanurseandIdidnotwanttoturnherintoashrink,holdingthehandofawimpofahusband.
Butsheknew.
chapterfourteen
AWalkandaLunchMikeBarnicleisbothaclassyguyandaregularone.Hehasabigheartandabigpaletteofpassions,includingpolitics,baseball,andBoston,wherehelives.AsI’vesaid,hewasbornandraisedinnewspapers.Hedoesn’thavemuchuseforjournalistswhositinofficesanddoGooglesearchesandcallthisreporting,insteadofwalkingneighborhoodsandmeetingactualhumansandtalkingwiththem.HeisamanofrichanddiverseconnectionswhomIadmiregreatly.
WhenMikecomestoNewYorktodoMJ,whichisoften,NBCputshimupatahotelnearCentralPark,andhetriestotakeadailywalkofnearlyfivemilesaroundit.OnedaynotlongafterIgothomefromthehospital,perhapsthedaythedisabilitypacketarrivedfromNBC,heaskedmetojoinhimforoneofhisstrolls.Iwasalongwayfromrobust,butIdecidedtohobblealongatleastpartway,andthedaywasgorgeousandtheparkwasinMaybloom.
AsweambledfrommybuildingonCentralParkWestanddownthesidewalks,Mikechatteredaboutdelightfullyinsignificantthings.This,that,hisbrokenBlackBerry,andhowhewasgettingitfixed.Hedidn’tknowmymentalstateandIdidn’ttellhim.Nomatter.Ilikedhiscompanyandlikedbeingout,becauseIhardlyhadbeenoutatall.Mystrengthdidn’tlastlong,andaswereachedthepointwhereSeventy-secondStreetmeetstheparkandpreparedtopart,heturnedtome.
“Youreallyhavetoappreciatehowluckyyouare,”hesaid.“You’reabletoseehowlovedyouarewithouthavingtodie.”
Hesensedhiswordsdidn’tregisterasmuchashehadhoped.Hegentlynudgedmeagain:Youhavegreatsupport,Chris.You’reluckytoknowthat.
MikehadvisitedmeatthehospitalinWashington,andhadsuggestedthenthatperhapsmyhemorrhagewasn’tanall-badevent,becauseitwouldreordermyprioritiesabit.HereallythoughtIwastoointenseaboutwork.Withorwithout
me,hehadsaidatGW,therewasgoingtobetelevision.TherewasgoingtobeaMorningJoe.ButtherewasonlyonemeandIneededtotakecareofmyself.Heurgedmetorevelinmygoodfortune.Whatifmybleedhadhappenedwhentheshowwasinstill-batteredNewOrleansafewweeksearlier,insteadofinWashington,mereminutesfromoneofthegreatneurologicaldepartmentsinthecountry?
AtthecornerofSeventy-second,Mikedidn’tturnallthisintoalecture.Hespokebutafewwordsandwasdone.
“I’llseeyoulater,”hesaid,andwalkedoffwithhisnewspaper.
MikehadbeenaveryclosefriendofTimRussert,NBC’sWashingtonbureauchiefwhohaddiedtwoyearsbefore.IhadbeenmovedthenbyhowhehadhelpedtheRussertfamilygetthroughhisdeath,andrememberhowPeggyNoonan,aWallStreetJournalcolumnist,hadwrittenthatthestandardbywhicheachofusshouldbemeasurediswhetherwewindupasbelovedasRusserthadbeen.
Mikehadapoint.Peoplehadbeenwonderfulduringmycrisis.Ihadn’texpectedit.AndIhadbeenlucky,indeed.Ourwalkinthepark,comingduringmydaysofsilentangeraboutnearlydyingandhavingnoonetopunish,mademethinktherewas,afterall,somegoodhere,theloveofotherpeople,nottheleastofthemMike.
Threedaysorsoafterthewalk,ImetJoeforbrunch,thefirsttimeIhadseenhimsinceWashington.E-mailhadbeenanokaywayforustostayintouchifthetopicwasmyhealth,butnotifitwaswork.IfIpassedmythirdcerebralangiograminafewdays,Iwouldbeonaglidepathback,andthatmeantIneededtoknowindepthwhathadbeenhappeningat30Rockandwhathewasthinking.
AsweateatarestaurantinNewYorkcalledP.J.Clarke’s,JoementionedthatMikahadscoldedhimforusingonlye-mailsandnotphonecallstostayintouchwithmeathome.
No,Isaid,youre-mailswereperfect.
Throughout,heandMikahadshownsomuchconcern,makingmefeelsomuchbetter.Therewasnomoreappropriatemomenttotellhim,evenifsuchanaked
expressionofgratitudemightmakeaveryprivatemanuncomfortable.
Nomatterwhathappens,ItoldJoe,evenifwehavefights,evenifmycontractisnotrenewedandIleaveMJforsomereason,“Iwillneverforgetwhatyoudidforme.”
Igotteary.
“Iwillneverforget,”Isaidagain.
HesuggestedIshouldn’thavebeensosurprised.
“OfcourseIloveyou,”hesaid.
WhichInowknewbeyonddoubt.
OnFriday,May21,stillfeelingangrybutperhapsnotquiteasmuchaftertalkingwithMikeandJoe,ItookthetraintoWashington,lookingtoputaperiodattheendofasentence.Jennycame,too,ofcourse.IcouldhavehadthisthirdangiogramdonebysomeoneinNewYork,butItrustedDr.Deshmukhandthehospital,andnootherinstitutioncouldpossiblyhavetreatedusaswell.
Onceagain,Iwastakentotheangiogramsuiteandacatheterwentintomylegandallthewaythroughme,andthepeeringatmonitorsbegan.Onceagain,Jennywaited.
Shewasverynervous.Ifananeurysmwasfound,afterhavingeludedDr.Deshmukhformorethanthreeweeks,Iwouldbedevastated,shefeared,demoralized.Itwouldn’tmeandeathoraninabilitytospeakoranythinglikethat,butitwouldmeanmoredoctorsandtests,moreinvasionofmeinanefforttoeliminatethenow-foundaneurysm,morehospitaltime,perhapsdaysofrecovery,pushingnormalcyfurtheraway.
Butifmyarterieswerecleanforathirdtime,allthestatisticssuggestedmybrainwouldnotrearupagain,thatmyeventhadbeenarogue.Itmighthavebeenmerelyaveinthatleaked,notanartery.Beingunderlesspressure,veinsarelesstroublesomeiftheybleed.Oritmighthavebeenananeurysmsoverytinyitwassimplynotvisible,thatithadbledandsealeditselfcompletelyandwasnotacandidateforfuturebleeding.
Thetestfinished.Dr.Deshmukhlookedatme.
Mybrainwasfine.Nomoretestswerenecessary.Nomorecuttingintomyleg.Nomoredoctors.
Gotoworkifyouwish,Dr.Deshmukhsaid.
Iwished.
“Youcanconsiderthiseventbehindyou,”hesaid.
Well,inaphysicalsenseIcould.
chapterfifteen
BackTwenty-sixdaysaftermybrainpopped,IwalkeddownthestairsofasubwayentrancenearmyapartmentandjoinedtheMonday-morningcrushonasouthboundtrain,emergingafewminuteslateratRockefellerCenter.
Idon’tusuallyridethesubwayto30Rock,notbecauseIshunthemasses,butbecauseMorningJoebeginssoearlyNBCsendsacartomakesureIgetthere.ComingoutofthesubwayfloodedmewithsensationsIhadn’tfeltinamonth.Thousandsofworkerspoundedtowardtheiroffices,sidesteppingoneanotheronthesidewalks,buzzingonphones,noshingbagels,liningthelowmarblewallsoftheplazasonSixthAvenuetoreadforafewminuteswiththeircoffees.
Thecacophonyandenergyweresoothing.Iwasbackamongtheliving,feelingthepulseofthecity.Iboughtacoffee,too.
OnthisfirstpossibledayIcouldreturnafterDeshmukh’sgreenlight,May24,Iwaseasingback.Iwasn’trunningtheday’sMJ,whichwasnearlyfinishedbythetimeIgotthere.Butfordaysnow,myeagernesstorejointheteamhadgrownasmyheadachefaded,evenifIwasstillsecretlyfencingwithbiggerissues.
Jennydidn’tquiteunderstandwhyIwasgoingbackrightthen.Nobodywaspressuringme,orher,sosheassumedwewouldhaveweeksoffamilytime,atleastmorethanthefewwehadhad.Butwehadn’tbeendoingmuch.Bygoingbacktowork,Iwasn’tabandoningidyllicdaysofmuseumtoursandleisurelylunches;Ihadn’tbeenupforthingslikethat.AtleastbygettingoffthecouchandgoingbacktoworkIwouldbeproductive.ImissedControlRoom3A.Iwasn’tgoingbackasaheroicstatementofawesomededicationtotheNationalBroadcastingCompany.TelevisioniswhatIlove.Thejobwasneveralabor,andthesoonerIwentbackthegreatermymoralewouldbeandthehealthierIwouldfeel.
Besides,evenifIhadwaitedweeksmoretoreturn,JennyknewtherewasneverachanceIwasgoingtoquitoutrightaftermyillnessandturntowardalifeofmonasticchantingorbuyacozyplaceaboveSanDiegoandtendllamasandsupportthelegalizationofmarijuana.“Hewouldbemiserable,”shesays.
Thatfirstmorning,Isat,notintheexecutiveproducer’schair,butoneseatoverasPeteBreen,whohadbeenrunningtheshowduringthepastweeks,tooktheteamthroughthefinalminutes.Duringacommercial,theyturnedonthe3Acamera,soMikaandJoeandeverybodyonthesetcouldseethatalthoughElvishadleftthebuildinginApril,hewasbacknow,wholeandalert.
Therewasamountainofmailonmydesk.Aftertheshow,Istartedsiftingit,enjoyingtheleisurelyroutineofit.MyBlackBerryhadonlyoneappointment,lunchwithPhilGriffin.Ihadbeenhopingtocomebackbelowradar,butwordsoonspreadbeyondtheMJfamilyandintotherestofthebuilding,becausejournalistscanneverkeepanynewstothemselves.
Ofcourse,everybodywantedtohearthestory.
Whatdiditfeellike,Chris?Wherewereyouwhenthepainstarted?Wereyouscared?AndJennywaspregnantduringthis?Bidenwasinvolved?
Ilovetellingthestorybecauseitisquiteastory,andI’mawarethatthecontrastbetweenwhatIhadbeen—healthyandyoung—andwhathappenedtomeleadsalmosteveryonetoponderthepossibilityofrandomdeath.Iambothacautionarytaleandalotterywinner,andfascinatingeitherway.
QuiteafewpeopletreatedmeasgingerlyasaWedgwoodplate.TheMJfamilyknewIhadn’tsufferedanyneurologicaltics.ButothersknewonlywhattherumormillhadchurneduporwhatWilliehadsaidontheair,andnotknowingmuchaboutaneurysms,assumedIwasnowachildtobespokentoslowlyandloudly.
“Helllooooo,Chris.Howarrrreyou?”
SomeseemedsurprisedIwasvertical.Theyhadneverexpectedtoseemealiveandintactagain.Theywouldtellmetotakeiteasy,asifwithouttheirwisecounselIwouldbeponderinganIronMancompetition.IfIwasstillattheofficeinmidafternooninthosefirstfewdays,theywouldaskwhyIstillwas.IbegantothinktheywereworriedIwouldstartbleedingagainrightinfrontofthem,
andtheywouldbeblamedasmyfacehitthetileinaspectaculardiveofdeath.
Stillothersthoughtmyintensitywasthecauseofmynearmiss.Chrisisvolcanic,see,andhisbrainexploded.Hepaidtheprice.Bequietaroundhim.
Noneofthismadememad,oratleastanymadderthanIalreadywasaboutwhatthebrainbleedhadnearlydone.Ididn’tsayanythingtopeopleabouttheirassumptionsortheirclumsyadvice.Itwasn’tworthgettingupsetover.Intime,peopleinthebuildingwouldseemyskillswerestillthere,mydecisionmakingsound,andmaybeevenfindoutthataneurysmsdonotgrowinsidethebrainbecauseyouhappentobetypeA.
Thatfirstday,PhilGriffintookmetolunchatasushiplace.ThepresidentofMSNBChadbeenshakenbymyillnessinawaythathadnothingtodowithanyproblemsmyabsencecreatedorthreatenedtocreateforoneofthenetwork’sbestshows.Itmadehimfeelvulnerable,asitprobablymakeseveryonefeel.Heneveraskedinsomanywordsatlunch,butIsensedhewascurioushowIsawtheworldnow,notasanexecutiveproducer,butasaperson.HowwasIdifferent?
Myanswerwasaplugformyself,whichmighthavebeensmarmybutitdoesshowthatthebrainbleedhaskillednoneofmydesiretobeaplayer.Infact,itheightenedit,asInowtoldPhil.
Biggerthings.Iwanttodobiggerthings,Itoldhim.
Themessagewasn’tthatIwasitchingtoleaveMJ.Hardly.ImerelywantedPhiltoknowthatnotonlyhadillnessnotfinishedme,Ihopedtobeevenmoreofaplayeratthenetwork,haveabiggerrole.
Inmybusiness,youngtalentisoftentoldsomethinglikethis:Waityourturn.Don’ttrytogetitallatonce.Don’toverreach.Putyourheaddown,work,goodthingswillcometoyou.Bepatient.
Butwhatifyoudon’thaveunlimitedtimetowaitasthelineslowlymovesandyouinchtowardthefront?Whatifyoucarefullymapafive-yearplanbutdon’tgetfiveyears,becauseananeurysmgetsyouinthree?Mybrainbleedwasanofficialpublicnoticethatnoonecancountonhavingthetimetheyexpect.Ifyou’rereadyandcapable,reachforthenextlevelofwhateveryoudo.Ifsomethinglooksappealingandchallenging,haveago.Otherwise,it’sapretty
averagelife.
Ihaven’twanderedsofarintotherealmofclichéthatInowhaveabucketlist—winIditarod,excavateMayanruins,stompgrapes—butI’mfarmoreopentospontaneity.Yousometimeshearthatillnessisawayoftellingthevictimtoslowdown.That’snotthemessagemyillnesssentme.Minesaid,“Getmoving.”
Attheendofthatfirst,low-keydayback,Iwenthomeandcrashed.IwassurprisedbyhowexhaustedIfelt.ButbyTuesday,June1,itwasmeintheEP’schairasMorningJoebegan.Therewasnowaymyreturnwouldpasswithoutformalrecognitionontheair.Iknewtheywouldinflictsomethinguponme,butfiguredMikaandJoewoulddonomorethanaskthatthecontrol-roomcamerabeturnedonsotheaudiencewouldknowIwasbackandIcouldwave.Oh,theydidmuchworse.
Withouttellingme,theyhadlinedupDr.Deshmukhasaguest,aswellasthechiefoperatingofficerofthehospital,KimberlyRusso.TheyorderedmetocomeoutofControlRoom3A,marchdownthehall,andsitwiththemontheset,ontheair,nomakeup,noprep.Ifyouseethevideo,Ilookuncomfortable,becausethereisalwaysariskthatthiskindofthingcomesacrossasself-indulgent.AtleastIknewwhichcamerastolookat.
“Awwwww,he’sback,”Mikasaid,“andI’msogladforsomanyreasons.Doyourememberthatmorning?”
“Yup,”Joesaid.
“Yeah,Ido,too,”shesaid,slightlymiffed.
Joerealizedshewasmakingajoke.
“Oh,isthistheblameJoething?IsthistheblameJoething?”
Theywerereferringtohow,onthatdayinWashington,Joehadgottenirritatedatmyinabilitytogethimthecameraanglehewanted,andminuteslaterIhadcommencedabrainbleed,asifhisirritationandmyeventwerecauseandeffect,eventhoughtheyweren’t.
Explainwhatthebleedwaslike,Mikasaidtome.
“Tosayitwastheworstheadacheofmylifedoesn’treallydescribeit,”Isaid,“becauseitwaslikenothingIeverfeltbefore.”
“Youlookedhorrible,”Mikasaid.
“Thankyou,”Isaid.
Dr.DeshmukhtoldtheaudienceIwasinthatmysteriousclassofcasesforwhichnocauseforthebleedingisfound.Butmyprognosiswasgood,hesaid.
Asidefromwhattheyhaddoneformeonthatfirstfrighteningday,thesegmentwasthebestgiftMikaandJoecouldhavegiven,becauseitshowedIwasfineineverywayanditmademefeelsonormaltobebackandteasingwiththem.Abloggerwrote:LichtLooksMah-ve-lousinMorningJoeReturn.Somee-mailerskiddedthatbecauseMikaandJoeweretalkingwiththebigguest,theshowhadblownrightthroughitsscheduledbreakatthetopofthehour,whichwouldnothavehappenedifIwerewhereIbelonged,inthecontrolroom.Ievengotawelcomebacke-mailfromtheWestWingoftheWhiteHouse.
Yes,Iwasback.
“I’mback,”Isaid.
That’snotthesameascured.
chaptersixteen
OntheDeckYearsago,myparentsboughtavacationhouseinCharlestown,RhodeIsland,aboutatenthofamilefromthebeach.YoucanseetheAtlanticOceanfromit.Inthesummer,MomandDadliketolendthehousetomeforaweekandtomysisterforone,sowecaneachbringourfamiliesinsolitudeandchillout,thoughinthepastIoftendidnotstayfortheentireweekbecauseworkgotintheway.
Now,sittingoutonthedeckofthehousesometimeduringthefirstdaysafterreturningto30Rock,IwaswatchingAndrewplay.IhadmylaptopoutandwasWeb-surfingtonopurposebutdiversion.MyheartfilledasIlookedatmyson.Herewasanentirelygoodthing,mylittlemanplaying,withnothingmoreonhisplatethanfun,overlookingtheoceanonalatespringday.ThegulfbetweenthesweetsceneandtheangerIhadbeentotingwasvast.
Familiesofcrimevictimsoftensaytheyhaveforgiventhecreepwhokilledtheirhusbandorteenagedaughter,becauseangercreatesnothinggood.Ihadalwayslaughedatthemonumentalabsurdityofthat.Angerisnotalwaysauselessemotion.Inthatsituation,myangerwouldhaveaworthytarget:thekiller.Itwouldhaveapoint,makingsurehefeelsthestingofjustice.
Butnocriminalsuspectcausedmyevent.Ihadgonedownthechecklistofpossibleculpritsandmyangeratnearlydyinghadnowheretogo.Itcouldneverbedirectedatanything,nomatterhowmuchIwishedotherwiseorhowlongIheldontoit.Iwouldonlybeabletositonthedeckandstaymad,andthengohometoNewYorkandstaymad,andthengotoworkandstaymad.IwouldroamlikeAhab,endlesslysearchingforsomeoneorsomethingtoblameforhavingbrushedwaytooclosetotheend.
Ikeptsittingthere,thinkinginthespringbreezes.
Or,ontheotherhand,Icouldacceptthefutilityofthis.AsImoreorlesshadtoldPhil,alife-threateningillnessaltershowyoulookatclocks.DidIwishto
useupmoreofmylife’slimitedminutesbeingfurious?OrstopthatandstartenjoyingAndrewandtherestofmydays?Thereisonlyonerationaloption,isn’tthere?Andso,asmysonplayed,IexercisedamentalmuscleIdidn’tknowIhadandtoldmyselfsomethingakintowhatIhadsaidinsidetheMRImachinethatfirstnightatthehospital.
Enough.Done.
Myeventhadbeenbrutalproofmylifecouldendbeforetoday’ssunsetsatthebeach,becausetheaneurysmcouldruptureagainandImightnotbeasfortunateagain.Iwasstillyoung,butthatwasnoguaranteethattomorrowwouldincludeme.IwouldnotexpendanymoretimestayingangryatsomethingIdidnotcause,thatnobodycausedandnobodycouldhavestopped.
Stillsittingonthedeck,Ikeptfollowingthisthreadofthought.
IfIcoulddothat,ifIcouldnolongerbemadatalmostdying,thenlogicallyhowcouldIgetmadatmuchlesserthingsthatmighthappentome,thethingsofdailylife?IfavideotapegotmessedupduringMJ,thatwouldnotbetheequivalentofhavingabrainbleed.Itwouldnotbeworthevisceratingsomeonewithane-mailaftertheshow.AndifothersthoughtImightnowbeapushoverofaproducer,Icouldn’thelpthat.Letthemthinksoandletthemtestmeiftheywish.ItwillbeobvioustothemsoonenoughIhaven’tlostanymovesinControlRoom3A,oranypassionfortheshow.I’llstillpushback.
IfJoeandMikagotmadbecausewehadalousyguestortheirtravelarrangementsfellapart,thatwouldn’tbeasseriousasthefairlypersonalsetbackofhavingnearlydied.It’sokayifthey’renottotallyhappyaboutsomethingontheshowornottotallyhappywithme.It’sokayifItakeadayofforuseallmyvacationtimeormakemoretimeformyfamily;Ishouldn’tworrywhatanyonewillthink.Besides,IknewnowMikaandJoewerehappyinacosmicsense.IntheemergencyroomofGeorgeWashingtonUniversityHospital,theyhadbeeninmytrench.Theyhadshownunconditionallovefornotjustacolleaguebutafriend.
Watchingmysonplay,IwasacceptingwhatIcouldn’tcontrol,whichistheultimateactofcontrol.Peoplesayallthetimeyoushould“letitgo,”whateveritis.Acomment,anirritation,badnewsofanysort.Iwasn’tusedtodoingthat.Iwasusedtocounterpunchinguntilthesituationwasreshapedtomysatisfaction.
Givingupillogicalangermightstillbegivingup,butIrealizedthatinthiscasethatmeantvictory.
Iforgavemybrain.
Ileftthedeckhappier.Throughoutmyillness,IhadworriedaboutwhereIwouldenduponthedamagedscale,butIhadneverreallyallowedforthepossibilityImightendupbetteroffinsomeways.Myepiphanyaboutlettinggooftheangeraboutwhathadhappenedmightseempat,tooneat,butclaritycandescendlikethat,undertherightconditions.Thesehadbeenperfect.Andrewwasthecatalyst,thoughhedidnotknowit.Hecouldn’tevenspellit.Butsimplybybeingthere,playingsosweetly,myboyhelpedhisdaddyputawaynotonlyabrainbleed,butalotofnonsense.
chapterseventeen
TheMeaningofTimeMyillnessstartednottoofarfromtheU.S.NavalObservatory.Itendedthere,too.
Forsometime,IhadbeenstrugglingwithhowtothankJoeBidenforwhathehaddoneduringmybrainbleed,fromtakingMika’scallinthosefirsthourstocallingDr.DeshmukhtocheeringupJennyandmebycellphone.Iwantedtowritehimaletter,asuitablyformalwaytoconveymygratitude.
ThevicepresidentwashavingalawnpartyforjournalistsattheObservatory,hisofficialresidenceinWashington,andJoe,Mika,andIwereinvited.Ie-mailedBiden’spressofficetoaskifitwouldbeappropriatetohandhimtheletterIhadinmindandwastolditwouldbe.ButIcouldn’tfinishthething,notthewayIwanted.Allmyattemptscameouttoosaccharine,wayover-the-top.
Justtellhim,Jennysaid.
JoeandMika,itturnedout,couldn’tattendthepartybutIstillwantedtogo.SoonSaturday,June5,JennyandIstoodinareceivinglineatthevicepresident’shouse.OneofBiden’sstaffersrecognizedme,perhapsbecausehehadseenmeontelevision.Thenitwasourturntobeintroducedtothismanwhohadleapedintomycrisis.
Forabriefsecond,IcouldtellBidencouldn’tplacemyname.
“Yousavedmylife,”Isaid.
Andfromthedatabanksofthethousandsofpeopleheknowsandalltheeventshehasbeenapartof,herememberedandgreetedmeasifwehadsharedmybrainbleed.Herememberedeverything.Theusualthirty-secondphotoopportunitygavewaytofiveminutesofreminiscingasthelinebackedup.
“Ican’tthankyouenough,”Isaid.
Hehuggedme.HehuggedJenny.Hesaidhehadbeensoworried.Heisagreatandkindperson,andthephototakenthatdayofJennyandmebeingembracedbythevicepresidentoftheUnitedStateswillliveoninourfamilyforever.MychildrenwillbeabletotelltheirfriendsthatintheworstmomentofDaddy’slife,abusypublicofficialputasidetheimportantthingshewasdoingtohelp.
Amongmyfamilyandcolleagues,therearedoubtsthatthisnearlydyingbusinesshaschangedmeallthatmuchorwill.Momisamongthem.Dad,too.Takemorevacationdays?Theydon’tbelieveit.Workstillloomstoolarge,theysay.TheypredictI’llbeenjoyingaweekattheRhodeIslandhouseandJoewillcallandI’llbegone,offonsomemission.
EvenJennysaysIhaven’tchangedasmuchassheexpectedorhoped.ShethoughtIwouldfeelIhadbeengrantedthatclassicsecondchanceatlifeandwouldparethehoursworkedonweekendsandinflatefamilytime.
Iam,though,gettingthere.Watch,Mom.I’lltakeallmyvacation.Iknownowhowimportantitistomakemorementalspaceforfamily.IknownowIshouldn’thavebeenonthephoneastheytookAndrewforhiscircumcision,becausewhateverIwasdiscussingcouldn’thavebeensignificant.IknowIshouldn’thavegonebacktoworkrightafterhewasborn,orskippedmyfriend’sweddingbecauseitwasSweepsWeek.Iknowyoucan’tgive100percenttowork,becausethere’snopercentageleftforanythingelse.
Fewofuscanpivotonadime.JustbecauseIhadamomentofclarityonthedeckabouthowfutileandwastefulitcanbetogetangrydoesn’tmeanIneverwill.I’llhavetotrainmyself,remindmyself,todistinguishthemomentsworthyofangerfromthosethatarenot.I’msureI’llfailnowandthen.Re-jiggeringmybehaviorandattitudesisaprojectthatwilltaketherestofmylife.
ButinmanysmallwaysI’malreadyadifferentman.Whenmyangerwasgreatestaboutwhatmybrainbleednearlytookfromme,Ididn’tthinkofNBC.IthoughtofJennyandAndrew.Andwhen,onDecember7,BLTenteredtheworldasRyanChristopherLicht,ItookmyfullpaternityleavefromMorningJoe,perhapsasmallstepforyoubutabigoneforme.
Thesedays,IcallhomemorethanIusedto,justtoseehowJennyis.Iwouldn’thavethoughtitpossibletothinkanymorehighlyofherthanIdid,butIdo.Maybeevenshedidn’trealizewhatasteelcoreshehas.Pregnant,jugglingajob
offer,givenatothertimestohighflyingemotion,sheputeverythingasideandwentmoreMikathanMikatomakesureIcameoutallright.
DadandIarevastlycloser.ItwasalwayseasiertoreadMom,who’soutgoingbynature.Dadwaslessdemonstrative.Buttoseehiminthehospitaltalkingwithmydoctorsandmonitoringthefineprintofmycare,IrealizedIhadtheperfect,medicallyskilled,lovingpatientadvocate.Hewasdeeplyshakenbywhathappenedtome.Before,we’dtalkonceinawhile.Now,allthetime.
Atwork,I’venoticedthatwhensomeoneasksmeaquestionorpresentsanissuefordecision,Idon’tanswerasquicklyanddismissivelyasIusedto.Asecondortwoticksby.Iconsiderthequestion.Iconsiderthem.Ithinkitthrowspeopleoff,thoughI’mnottryingtodothat.Maybeit’sbecause,aftertheirincrediblee-mailsandcardsandphonecallsduringmyillness,mycolleaguesaremorerealtomenow.MaybeIhavelesstunnelvisionabouttheworldinwhichIwalkeveryday.Igiveverbalhugsmorethanever.AtthepostmortemsaftereveryMorningJoe,IsaylessandletmyleadershipteamsaymorebecauseIdon’tneedtohavemyfingerineverypieallthetime.
True,Mr.BlackBerryandIareasentwinedasever.Whatmightbehardtograspisthatalife-threateningillnessdidn’tmakemecareaboutMorningJoeanyless.Quitetheopposite.It’smorefun.IcangotoControlRoom3Aknowingthereareworsethingsthanwhetherpeoplegetmadatme,worsethingsthanwhethersomeonedoesn’tpushamicrophonebuttonontime,andmoreimportantthingsthanwhetherI’mbeingincludedineverythingJoeandMikaaredoing.
Joehasanexpression:“Scaredmoneyneverwins.”Itmeans,simply,playwithconfidence.Believeinyourself.Mydecisionscomeeasiernowandthey’reclearer.Optionsareweighedontheirmeritswithoutcalculatingthepolitics.Idon’tpickfightsanymore,whichdoesn’tmeanIrunfromthem.ButIdon’tseekoutconflicttoproveI’mTheMan.
Ontheairtheotherday,Joewastweakingthen-GovernorTimPawlentyofMinnesota,apotentialcandidatefortheRepublicanpresidentialnominationin2012,fornotcomingontheshowinawhile.ButPawlentyhadalreadyagreedtocomeontheshowtheverynextweek.Joedidn’tknowthat,nordidI,soIhadnoreasontogetinJoe’searandcorrecttheundeservedslamwhilewewerestilllive.
Welookedlikecheap-shotkings.ButIdidnotexcoriatethepersonwhoforgottotellusaboutPawlenty’sbooking.Backintheday,Iwouldhave.Iwouldhavepetulantlysoughttoruinherdayforruiningmine.Tonogoodend,ofcourse.
Inlatefall2010,thereoccurredasad,astoundingcoincidence.WhenIworkedatmyfirstjobinAllentown,awomannamedDeniseCramseywasoneoftheproducersatourcompany.Denisehad,infact,trainedme.ButIhadlargelylosttrackofheruntilwebumpedintoeachotherataparty,whenMorningJoevisitedLosAngelesafewmonthsaftermybrainbleed.
Likeme,Denisehadgoneontodomuchbiggerthingsintelevision,receivingmultipleEmmynominationsandwinningtwice.AtthepartyinL.A.,shehadracedacrosstheroomtogivemeawarmgreeting,abighugandhercard,andwhenIgotbacktoNewYork,shewasoneoftheoldacquaintancesIhadmadeapointoffindingtimetoe-mail,tosayweneededtogettogetheragain.Shewasforty-one,acoupleofyearsolderthanme.She,too,wasagraduateofSyracuse.
TwodaysbeforeThanksgiving,Denisecollapsedanddiedofabrainaneurysm.
RarelyhaveIfeltsuchchills.HerdeathtransportedmerightbacktoApril,andhowcloseI’dcomeindeed.
WhenIgetaheadtwingenow,there’salwaysamicrosecondofwonderaboutwhetherit’sallhappeningagain.Itpassesquickly,andIrealizethisisanormalheadache,thekindweallget.Iwillprobablyalwayswonderwheneverthathappens.Thereareotherremindersofmybleed,too.Oneday,NBCsentabenefitformtoexecutives.Onesectiontoldustocheckaboxifwehadbeenabsentfromworkformorethanfivedaysinarowinthelastyear.
Ichecked.
Ifyou’vechecked,itsaid,explain.
“Subarachnoidhemorrhage.”
Neverhadtoconfesssuchaflaw,ever.ButIdon’t,andwon’t,fearasecondevent.Suchworryabouttheunknowableispointless.
OnthatdayinApril,atthemomentDr.MayersaksaidtheCATscanhadfoundblood,Iknewmylifewouldbedifferent,butIneverimagineditwouldbecome
whatithas.Ihopeyouneverhearadoctorsayanythingasfrighteningtoyouoranyoneyoulove.ButIamsomuchsmarternow.Iamsomuchmoreconfident.Ifeelatpeace.Aholeinmyheadwoundupcuttingtheknotinmystomach.Isn’tthatbizarre,tocomesoclosetoleavingthepremisesandwindupnewandimproved?
Butit’ssimple,really.Whatcanthey,anybody,dotome?Nothingcanbeworsethanwhatnearlyhappened.Beingfiredwasalwaysmygreatestfear,becauseIlovedMorningJoeandwantedtoremainapartofit.Now,iftheybootmeout,IwillfindanotherjobintelevisionsomewhereandI’llbeokay,becauseI’llbealive.AndintheunlikelyeventIcan’tgetajobinthebusiness,thatwillbeokay,too,forthesamereason.Iwilltakemytwoboysandmybeautifulwifeandwe’llfigureoutsomething.Iwon’tcurlupinaballandmoanthatnobodywantsme.MaybeJenny,thechildren,andIwouldgorunaB&BinVermontafterall.
Ineverthoughtaboutdyingbeforeanyofthis.Theyoungrarelydo,especiallyiftheirbodieshaveneverbeenlessthanperfect.Ithinkaboutitnow,abouthowclosedeathisforallofus,abouthowIdodgeditandmyfriendDenisedidn’t,howIwasluckyandshewasn’t.
Butmythoughtsaboutdeatharenotmorbid.They’remoreuseful.Whathappenedtomewasanunsolicited,butinvaluable,reminderthatnoneofusgetstochoosehowmanydayswehave.Everybody’ssupplyislimited,somefarmorethanothers.Therearenohourstobewastedonangeratanillnessthatisnotyourfault.Therearenonetobewastedonanxietyaboutwhosayswhataboutyouorwhethertheylikeyou.Thesethingsarebeyondyourpowertoinfluence.Whatyoucancontrol,though,ishowyouusetheunknowableamountoftimeyouhave.Andifyouchoosenottoinvestintheuncontrollableandthetrivial,somethingwonderfulhappens.Youactuallywindupwithmoretime:moretoenjoyfamilyandfriendsandcolleagues,moretokeepyourselfsane,moretoappreciatesimplybeinghere.ItisalessonunderscoredeverytimeMorningJoegoestoWashington,becauseinevitablymydailyshuttlingaroundthecapitaltakesmerightpasttheentranceoftheGeorgeWashingtonemergencyroom.
OnChristmasEve2010,aswedoeveryyear,theLichtsiblingsandtheirfamiliesgatheredwithMomandDadatthehouseonthehillinConnecticutforabigdinnerfilledwithwineandlaughter.Itisatradition,keptinajournal,that
weselectthefamily’stopteneventsoftherapidlyclosingyear,thingslikebirthsandnewjobs.
WindingupastheEventoftheYearwasaquirkysortofhonor.ButIwasdamngladtobetheretoaccept.Itwastimewellspent.
chaptereighteen
SoZenOneSeptembermornaftermyreturn,PhilGriffinshotmeane-mailevenasMorningJoewasstillontheair.
Notgood,itsaid.
Philwaspissedaboutaconversationthathadjusttakenplaceduringtheshow,andhewantedtotalkaboutitwithmebecause,asexecutiveproducer,I’mresponsibleforwhatairs.Evenso,beingsummonedtothefrontofficetoexplainanon-airepisodeissorarethatIknewthise-mailwasabadomen.ItwassorarethatifIhadgottenonelikeitbeforemybrainpopped,IknowhowthehourspriortotalkingwithPhilwouldhavegone.
MyGod,amIintrouble?What’sgonnahappen?Howcouldthefolksonthesethaveputmeinthissituation?
DreadwouldhavechewedupmoreofmylimitedtimeonPlanetEarthincalculationsofpossiblerecriminations,noneofwhichIcoulddoanythingabout,whichwouldnothavestoppedtheangst.IwouldhavebeenfrozeninmyofficeuntilthephonecallortheaudiencewithPhil,atwhichtimeaheadmightrollanditwouldn’tbehis.
Here’swhatactuallyhappenedafterIreadPhil’ssummons.
Inane-mail,Iacknowledgedhisrequestforaconversation.Then,aftertheshowfinished,Iconductedtheusualstaffpostmortemofthesegmentsandguests.AndIdepositedtheimpendingsessionwithPhilintoabrandnew,what-happens-happensvault,toberetrievedonlywhenitwastimefortheconversation.
ThenJoecalled.HeknewPhilhadcontactedme.
Don’tfreakout,Joesaid.
HewasenvisioningaWoodstockofworrybyOldChris.
“Joe,”Isaid,“I’mreallynotfreakingout.Ihaveplanstoday.I’mnotgoingtostickaround.”
IfIwasinthebuildingwhenPhilwasreadyfortheconversation,I’dbethere.
“Youdon’tneedtocalmmedown,”Isaid.
NothavingtoreassurememeantJoeandMikahadonelessthingtoworryaboutduringthisflap,makingthingsbetterforall.
TheplansIhadmentionedtoJoeincludedadoctor’sappointment,andIwaswaitingintheexamroomthatafternoonwhenPhilfinallycalledforthebigchat.TheheadofhumanresourcesforNBCwasonthelinewithhim,whichisusuallyaleadingindicatorthatsomeone’sprofessionalhealthisabouttotakeaturn.
PhilaskedifIhadknownwhatwasgoingtohappenonthesetthatmorning.Ihadn’t,oratleastIhadn’tknownthediscussionwasgoingtogothewayitdid.
Whattheydidoutthere,Philsaid,couldgetyouinalotoftrouble.
Maybe.ButIwouldn’tdisownthemtocovermyself,becausetheyhadbeenwithmeintheemergencyroom.
IknewPhilwouldbewithinhisrightstosuspendme.Ifhedidandifmyconductbecameanissueinmycontractnegotiations,whichwerenotfardowntheroad,well,Icouldlivewiththat,becausewhatchoicedidIhave?ThatwaswhatIrealizedonthedeckwithAndrew,namely,thebeautyofknowingwhenyouhavethepowertochangesomethingandwhenyoudon’t.Ididn’twanttobesuspendedandIloveNBC,butyoucannotenjoyajob,youcannotdoitwell,ifyouarealwaysafraidoflosingit.AndIwasn’tanymore.
Intheend,mybossandfrienddidn’tsuspendme.ImighthavelostpointswithPhilbecauseofwhathappenedontheair,butmydayturnedoutexactlyasitwouldhaveifOldChrishadworriedthewholetime.Ihadsparedmyselfalotofhand-wringingandbeenmoreproductiveandemergedrightwhereIwouldhaveanyway.
Afewdayslater,IwassupposedtogotoLasVegas—forme,nottheshow.LasVegasisperhapsmyfavoritediversionandseveralfriendsandIhaveasortofannualguys’tripthere.Butthisyear,membersofthepossehadbeendroppingout.Then,atthelastminute,myfriendMarc,theonlyonebesidesmestillgoing,canceled.
Jennythoughtitwouldbekindofpathetictogoanyway.AgrownmanflyingtoVegasalonetoplaythetablesaloneandeatalone?Sad.ButtherewasnowayIwasnotgoing.Idonotputthingsoffthesedays,anotherlearnedlesson.
Icouldhavetoldmyselfthat,well,MarchasgivenmeanoutandIcancancelthetripandkeepworkingtomakeupallthosedaysImissedinthespringwhenIsothoughtlesslyallowedbloodtospillinmyhead.
Butthatscenariowasnotgoingtohappen.Iwasgoingtograbthedays.SoIsaidtome:Go.Go.Enjoy.
OnaFridaymorning,bymyself,IheadedtoJFKfora7:45flighttoLasVegas.Itwasrainingsohardtheexpresswayswereflooded,anddespitemyclearsuggestionofanalternateroute,thedriverdecidedheknewbest.Anddroveusstraightintoastandstill.Notonlywastrafficstoppedcold,itdidn’tmoveforthreehours.Threehours.Imissedmyflight.IbegantrollingtheairlinescheduleonmyBlackBerryforthenextone.Imissedthatone.MyshortvacationinVegaswasshrinkingbytheminute.Thiswasworsethanmissingaflightfortheshow.Thiswascuttingintomytime,pooltimeinthewarmsun.
ThisiswhereOldChristraditionallyrearshishead,blistersthecar’sdriverforwastinghoursandhoursofmyshortweekendgetaway,screamsattheairline,andyet,somehow,getsnoclosertotheairportforallthatemotion.Ididn’tdoanyofthat.Nowletmebeclear.Iwasn’thappy.ButIconsciouslyremindedmyselfnottooverreacttoasituationthathadnoremedy.
Rain?Ithappens.
Driverswhowon’tlistentoagoodsuggestion?Happens.
Brainbleeds?Them,too.
Fromthecar,IcalledMom,topassthetime.
“You’resoZen,”shesaid.
IgottoLasVegas.Itgetsbetter.AfterMarchadcanceledonme,IhadcalledChrisMarlin,thesamefriendwhoseweddingIskippedawhileback,andlobbiedhimheavilytojoinmeonthisjunketbecauseIwantedtimewithafriend.Hewastoobusy.Then,atthelastsecond,Chrischangedhismind,andnowhe,too,showedupinLasVegas,flyingallthewayfromtheEastCoasttoeatasingledinnerwithanoldfriend.
Whatagreatevening.
AcknowledgmentsTheideaforthisbookwasnotmine.Itwastheideaofmyfriend,andfrequentMorningJoeguest,JonMeacham.ItwasJonwhoinvitedmetolunchlastsummertotellmethatitwasimportantformetotellmystory.Heevencameupwiththetitleatthatlunch,knowingfullythatIdidn’tyethavetheanswertothequestion“WhatdidIlearnwhenIalmostdied?”Hestartedmeonthejourneytofindout,andIwillalwaysbegratefultohimforpushingmetodothebookandthefaithheshowedbybringingtheideatoSimon&Schuster.
SpeakingofSimon&Schuster,JonathanKarpandPriscillaPaintonhavebeenincrediblysupportivesincethemomentwemet.Everystepoftheprocess,they’venurturedthisbookasifitwastheirownstory.
ThisbookwouldnotexistwithoutthetirelessworkofmycollaboratoranddefactotherapistSteveTwomey.Themanyhourswespenttogetherhelpedmeabsorbnotonlyhowtheincidentaffectedmylife,butalsothelivesofthoseclosesttome.WhatyouhavejustreadistheresultofStevetakingthetimetointerviewmorethanadozenpeopleconnectedtothatday.HeisnotonlyameticulousPulitzerPrize–winningreporter,butalsoaskilledwriterwhocapturesmyemotionandvoiceperfectly.Heisalsonowafriend.
Iwouldalsoliketothankeveryonewhotooksomeoftheirvaluabletimetohelpmetellthisstory:PhilGriffin,MikeBarnicle,WillieGeist,andFarraUngarfromMSNBC,withaspecialthankstoCateCettaofMSNBC,forpatientlyjugglingsomanyphonecalls,e-mails,andappointmentsessentialtomakingthisbookhappen.FromGWUMedicalCenter:Dr.VivekDeshmukh,Dr.RyanneMayersak,JennKlemperer,MikeHite,andCarloAngeloCruz.(Iguessthiswouldbeasgoodatimeasanytoalsothankthemforsavingmylife.)Also,MarcCadin,LesleySookram,andJayCarney.Andofcoursemybestfriend,who’snevershyabouttellingmethetruthandwhomIbelieveisapsychiatristlargelybecauseofourfriendship,MarcNespoli.
Therearemanypeoplewhomadethisbookpossible,butnonemorethanJoeandMika.Theirsupportofthisprojectfromideatocompletionneverwavered.Whatwe’vebuiltprofessionallyandpersonallyisuniqueandsomethingIwill
alwayscherish.Theyaremuchmorethancolleagues.Theyarefriends.
Finally,myfamily.Whentheyou-know-whathitsthefan,thisistheteamyou’dwantinyourcorner.Mom,Dad,andStephanie:we’vecomeoutofthisexperiencecloserthanever.
Andmostofall,Jenny,whogavemetwobeautifulboys,AndrewandRyan,andprovedonceagain,Imarriedthegreatestwomanintheworld.Iloveyou.