What Children Gain When You Love Their Mom

"Who has helped you the most in your fathering?" We asked that very question tothousands of men as part of our research. Some answered, "My father" or "Mypastor." Several mentioned Dr. James Dobson. But the most popular answer byfar was, "My wife." And when we asked, "Who helps you overcome struggles inyour fathering?" the number one answer was, again, "My wife."

You may be comforted to know you're not alone as a parent, but you should alsobe challenged, because your power as a father is greatly affected by yourrelationship with your children's mother. Are you striving together with her as youprogress toward a common goal, or are you struggling against her, and spinningin circles?

She's your number one asset and ally as a father, and showing her love andrespect is one of the best things any father can do for his kids.

1. Two Indispensable Perspectives

Even if you were some kind of Superman, you could still only supply yourchildren with a masculine perspective of the world, valuable as it is. It takes awoman-ideally their mother-to provide the deep feminine input that rounds outtheir world and opens up more of the wonders of adulthood.

By virtue of carrying, bearing, and caring for your children in her own unique way,your children's mother sees things in them and about them that you may misscompletely. Her perspective can be quite illuminating when you compare notes,especially when it comes to understanding growing daughters. And her naturalsensitivity to her children's needs makes her an expert on how to meet thoseneeds. Don't be jealous; be humble. Ask her advice, and really listen; or sit herdown and say, "Honey, how am I doing?"

2. A Model for Chivalry

"Date your mate" is more than just a clever phrase. It's a philosophy. It's a mind-set in which you reinstate some of the conditions of your dating relationship. Youprobably don't have to ask her father for permission or worry about an eleveno'clock curfew any more. But your purpose is worth revitalizing: to continually re-win your true love's affections. You revive dinners and movies, take walks in thepark, visit the old hang-outs and even start showing affection in public again.

During your wedding ceremony, you verbalized your commitment all at once.Marriage is an opportunity to demonstrate those vows every day. During periodsof richness and health, you say, "Honey, things are really going well, and I wantyou to know there's no one else I'd rather enjoy all of this with." During times ofpoverty or sickness, you repeat: "sweetheart, we may be struggling right now, but

we're rich in other ways, and I'm going to stick it out with you, no matter what."And the vow "from this day forward" also bears repeating: "Well, Honey, here youare turning 'the big four-oh,1 but I have to say, youlre more attractive to me nowthan when we first married."

Show your affection physically as well: a peck on the cheek, a spirited hug whenyou arrive home, holding her hand, sharing space on the couch, and maybe evenan occasional kiss that's long enough to embarrass your teenager.

Living out your wedding vows also helps your children. You can talk your kidsthrough their first dates and let them know what to expect, but you can showthem a lot too. Your son is taking subconscious notes. He's asking, "How shouldI treat women?" "What does it mean to be a husband?" Your daughter also hasher eye on you. The thought of giving herself to a man in marriage can befrightening. Shels asking herself how well her mother fared in the deal. Yourchildren watch when you open car doors for your wife. They listen closely whenyou compliment her on how radiant she looks in that new dress, or express yourappreciation for all she does for you.

Dad, be passionate about the one who provided you the opportunity to be afather in the first place.

3. A Sense of Security

What would happen in a business if for some reason the two controlling partnersstarted feuding? What if these two presiding officers suddenly had conflictingvisions for the company or developed an intense personality conflict? regardlessof how earnestly each partner communicated his or her commitment to theemployees, the company would still suffer. Morale would drop. People wouldbegin to worry about job security. Mid-level executives would bail out. Theemotional atmosphere of the entire organization would reflect the quality of themost important relationship-just as it does in families.

A fourth-grade girl wrote about her father, "He treats my mom very nicely, whichmakes me feel wanted." Daily expressions of affection for your wife will dowonders for your marriage, but your children also pick up on it. If the atmosphereof the marriage is distrust or anger, then that mood will permeate the entirefamily. If the atmosphere of the marriage is noncommunication, the children getused to silence and foreboding. On the other hand, if the atmosphere of themarriage is love, the whole family will absorb that love.

Words and deeds that demonstrate your love for your wife provide your childrenwith convincing proof that the foundation of their lives-your marriagecommitment-is not going to shake, buckle and split apart. When Dad loves Mom,all is well in the universe.

What to Do When...

...you're a divorced dad. Your challenge is even greater. Your children mayvery well blame themselves for the failure of your marriage. Their sense ofsecurity has to be shaken, and their ideas about marriage are surely hazy atbest. Make every effort to restore whatever stability you can salvage by beingreliable with support, both in terms of finances and by making life easier for yourchildren's mother. Be consistent and prompt in your involvement with the kidsand, even though it may seem like the most difficult thing to do right now, respectand honor her, especially when shels not around. Help your child see that therelationship between the two most important people in his life-you and hismother-is solid, if not perfect.

...you're a stepfather. YouVe courageously stepped into an atmosphere of painand mistrust. The most important thing you can do for those kids is to love theirmother. What they need most is family stability-that means keeping the promisesyou have made to their mother and, in the process, redeeming marriage in theireyes. Their entire outlook on life may change when they see love andcommitment between you and their mother. That stability must also spill over intothe way you relate to their biological father. Cooperating with his efforts to beinvolved in his children's lives is one more step that can smooth out a volatilesituation.

One of the greatest legacies you can leave your children (and yet-unborngrandchildren) is the firm belief that marriage is not to be taken lightly. It's worthyour commitment, and worth sticking it out through the tough times. Show themthat your marriage is worth every ounce of effort you put into it and that, someday, theirs will be too.

Ken Canfield

©2001 National Center for Fathering