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Welcome to the

Happy Mum HandbookSupport Program

Week Six Video

The reality of your child’s brain

development

Important facts about your child’s physical brain development

Phase One: Being the Micro-manager/teacher

Zero to four/five years of age

• No reference points

• Information about life is being downloaded into the subconscious

• Learning how to understand, link and categorise information from their environment

• Very pre-occupied with in-the-moment. Easily distracted due to SO much information being

processed.

• Needs constant reminders and examples/modelling of how to behave.

• Does not even understand that other people have feelings, so don’t personalise their behaviour.

Reality Check: Your toddler’s behaviour will NOT be rational!! Rationale comes from the

conscious part of the brain (the 2-4%) which does not begin to develop until the age of about 4

or 5 years of age and even then is only in its infancy.•

School age (6-8years)

• Enough information has been absorbed to start thinking about life, comparing information and

assessing how to get what they want (pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain).

• Trying out HOW to get what they want. Notices any discrepancies between what you say and

what you do. Questions things that they don’t agree with or that doesn’t make sense because

they have information from the past to compare it to.

• This stage is often seen as disrespectful, however it’s an important stage of brain development

and is the grounds for learning social skills.

• Attitude can be addressed by teaching them HOW to behave, modelling it, giving examples and

reminding them of what ‘good’ behaviour looks like - repetition and consistency.

• Get them involved in decisions around rules, boundaries, consequences and rewards to help

them feel empowered.

Phase Two: Shifting to negotiator

Phase Three: Independence comes with responsibility

Pre-teens (9-12)

• Starting to look for more independence and control over their life (if they haven’t started

already).

• Can get easily defensive or reactive if you aren’t giving them some choices over their lives (ie if

you haven’t shifted from micromanager to negotiator yet).

• Great stage for really getting them involved in setting the rules, boundaries, consequences and

rewards and letting them learn cause and effect.

Teenager (13-18+)

• Brain is doing a major readjustment for preparation into adulthood.

• Neural pathways are being rewired in some areas. Unused pathways are being pruned.

• During this process behaviour can often revert back to toddler like outburst, like tantrums etc

and behaviour can be irrational, unpredictable and can leave you baffled.

• This is because during this major brain transition they are often not making decisions with the

conscious part of the brain (responsible for logic and reasoning), so their decisions will not be

rational at times. They are making decisions using a different part of the brain responsible for

emotion, impulse and even aggression. This is the time to be understanding, firm, clear,

communicate boundaries, work WITH them on solutions and don’t personalise their behaviour.

• Needs to learn that independence comes with responsibility so boundaries are a big necessity.

In a nutshell, children are still...

• Learning• Growing neural connections in order to establish habits• Sorting all the different bits of information from the five senses• Categorising and Linking events• Trying to figure out how to be in the world in a way that gives

them pleasure and helps them avoid pain.

Remember, this happens in THEIR unique time frame with...

• Observation• Self-Experience• Being convinced by others• Evidence• Repetition and consistency

Homework exercise

Part A – Identify the pattern of thinking behind your child’s behaviour

1. Get into observation mode this week.

2. Take notice of any emotional outbursts your child has.

3. Listen to what they are saying and see if you can identify any of the four viewpoints that cause stress/emotions from their choice of words.- Wrong Path, Missing Out, Could/Should and Worth-less

4. Try to gather more information from your child about how he/she perceived the event/s prior to the outburst.

5. Were there any triggers to his or her behaviour that can be connected to the four viewpoints?

6. Is there a pattern of thinking that is associated with these behaviours? Is there a repetitive perceptual lens/viewpoint behind the behaviour?

For children who can communicate relatively well

Part A – Identify the pattern of thinking behind your child’s behaviour

1. Get into observation mode this week.

2. Take notice of any emotional outbursts your child has.

3. Match the emotion with any of the four viewpoints that cause stress/emotion:- Wrong Path, Missing Out, Could/Should and worth-less

4. Look for evidence of what was happening for your child to trigger the emotion and how their lack of understanding about reality was what created the emotion.

5. Is there a pattern associated with these behaviours? Is there a repetitive perceptual lens that keeps triggering the behaviour?

For children who cannot communicate well

Part B – How is their thinking in conflict with reality

1. Consider your child’s developmental stage of life.

2. What lessons are they learning right now about the reality of life?

3. Write down some ideas on what you need to do at this stage of their development to continue teaching them these life lessons.

Important points to Remember:

• Repetition of the same information is what creates neural pathways in the brain that form our habits

• Consistency and repetition go hand in hand for creating habits.

• All stress is a conflict between belief and reality – what incorrect information has your child got that you need to correct.

Part C – Applying reality based upgrades to your children

Do this exercise as many times as you can during the week. Repetition and practice = change

1) Identify an event or repetitive behaviour in your child that requires addressing

2) What is the emotion they are displaying?

3) What must they be thinking in order to feel this way? Try to investigate what their thinking is from the four stressful thinking lenses and how it may be in conflict with reality (either reality of the situation, or the reality of life in general.)

4) Upgrades – using the information from the Personal Development model, identify the learning they need in order to upgrade their way of thinking. Consider the new viewpoint you need to work on establishing.

5) How to teach your child this view of life – Think about how you can teach your children how to adopt this view of life.

Remember to offer them the EVIDENCE they need to adopt new thinking by:• Exposing them to examples of the upgrade within the context of the situation• Giving them general examples out of context that reinforce the upgrade• Being a role model for that upgrade• Observation• Self-experience• You being able to convince them

General tips for

Successful communication

The fundamentals of communication and negotiation

There are two simple understandings that will form the basis of completely changing the way you communicate….with anyone

#1: EVERYONE wants to…

• Feel good• Experience pleasure• Feel heard• Feel understood• Be accepted• Be loved• Feel valued• Feel like their okay• Avoid painful experiences

The fundamentals of communication and negotiation

#2: The other person’s perspective.

• Priority beliefs dictate behaviour (at any given moment) .Decisions are made in response to the brain linking the sensory information with whatever relevant information is stored in the brain from previous experiences: Observation, self-experience, convinced by others.

• Everybody is learning through their experiences as they receive new information.

• Just because someone makes a different decision to you, it doesn’t make that person bad (or naughty), it just means they are accessing different information to you. In the case of a child, they are still learning what right and wrong is and how to function in the world.

Tips for successful communication

• Relate to how that person is feeling Eg - “Yes I’ve been there before I know how you feel”

• Or acknowledge how they feel, even if you can’t relate Eg - “I understand you feel this way. It must be awful for you…”

• Repeat back to them what you heard (Eg - So you want to…..) this will make them feel like what they’re saying is being acknowledged

• Develop the ability to self-checkAre you part of the problem? Are you trying to resolve and teach (as per your commitment), or are you just trying to be right or get your own way? How have you contributed to this situation being a problem?

• Emphasise the positives when dealing with the negativesEg - “I’ve really liked your behaviour this morning when you did ‘x’, but this behaviour needs to stop because……”

• Always explain why you are doing what you are doingDescribe it in terms of reality and why it’s in their best interests.

• It’s okay to disagree – you don’t need your child to always agree with you. It’s part of building their self-confidence for them to feel comfortable to have their own opinion. This may be different to yours and as long as it’s not in conflict with the reality of life, make it okay for them to disagree with you.

• It’s okay to pause – if things are getting heated between you and your child. Take a pause. Tell them you need to have a think about the situation and you’ll get back to them at a specified time. (Eg We’ll discuss it after your cartoon, or when I speak to Daddy about it)

• Get down to eye level so they don’t feel intimidated by youIt will make them feel equal.

• Keep your voice calm regardless of their behaviour You have to be the example of how you want them to speak to you (BE the change you wish to see in your child)

Tips for successful communication (cont)

Tips for successful negotiating

• Figure out what they want and why it’s important to them (pleasure / pain concept). Respect that this is important to them even if they can’t have it

• Get into a solution focussed mindsetHow can I give them what they fundamentally want (eg fun), while I get what I want and teach them about life all at the same time?

• If your child can understand and speak well, discuss with them what they think the solution should be. This helps them to learn great conflict resolution skills. (eg, I need to get the dinner cooked so we can all eat, but you want me to play with you. What do you think mummy/daddy should do? Play with you or get dinner cooked?)

• Make suggestions and ask for their opinion (I think the answer is to clean up your toys and then we can play together. What do you think? Or, do you think it would work if I did this and you did that?)

• Be flexible and willing to compromiseKeep in mind your bigger picture goals for your child. Is what you are campaigning for really that important or can you let them win this time? Does this situation really impact their life lessons or the bigger picture of their life?

Final points about communication, negotiation & discipline

• Get rid of the power playEqualise yourself with your child and see them as just like you, with the same fundamental wants and needs as you have.

• Treat them as equals when dealing with their behaviourThey are not less than you, they just have less knowledge than you. They are learning with you as their teacher. (Reality is they are also your teacher).

• Treat them as you would any other adult – with respect to their individuality and by communicating, negotiating and compromising.

• You are their teacher, not their friend. Sometimes they won’t like what you are doing and saying, but as long as you are comfortable that you are aligning to your commitment as a parent, then you know you’re doing a great job. Perhaps remind them of your job and that what you are doing is in their best interest.

• Repetition and consistency is the key to change. The same message being repeated in various ways in a variety of situations will eventually give them the understandings of life you are trying to teach them.

The Stress Free Parenting Webinar series

Self-paced learning Four x 1.5 hour weekly webinars Access to recordings forever Learn how to apply this reality based

information to your child’s behaviour. Set goals around the parent you want to be and discipline in alignment

with those goals. Further tools to help you be the scream free, calmer parent you want to be