Wanton Mechanics

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Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?

• They don't commute

What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty

Therapist?

• The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation, whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.

What's the difference between Max Factor and Quantum

Theorists?

• Max Factor has models that work.

Pop PHD Qualifier Question

• Hamiltonian oracles are the continuum limit of the standard unitary quantum oracles. In this limit, the problem of finding the optimal query algorithm can be mapped into the problem of finding shortest paths on a manifold. Prove this trivially:

Willamette Hall

Second Floor

What did one photon say to the other photon?

• I'm sick and tired of your interference.

Why do soccer club Fermi and club Bose never play a match

against each other?

• They can't agree about the spin of the ball.

A small furry mammal walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,

"Sorry, our occupancy is only 6.02*1020."

We can't serve a mole.

Prof: Some experimentalists have proposed using Krypton gas in

scintillation detectors.

• Grad Student: Won't that scare away the superstrings?

How many quantum mechanicians does it take to

change a light bulb?

• They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

How many experimental high energy physics graduate

students does it take to change a light bulb.

• One – but it takes them 10 years to complete this PHD thesis.

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light

bulb?

• None, once they have observed it is out it has already changed.

Mrs. Schroedinger toMr. Schroedinger:

What the hell did you do to the cat?

It looks half dead!

Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who asks: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"

If a professor asks you where that Assignment is that you just didn't do,just say that you know It’s momentum so precisely that it could be

almost anywhere in the universe.

Global Warming

The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:

• You can never be sure how many beers you had last night