Vancouver NamedWorld's Smelliest City

New York Loses Title For First Time in 100 Years !

Eade Warren

Last year's International "TourismAwards, held in Jerusalem, name dVancouver as the world's mos t

beautiful city. In stark contrast to 1996 ,the ITA committee has name dVancouver as this year's smelliest urbancentre. During a press conference inStockholm on Friday, the committee pre -sented Vancouver with this dubiou saward .Representatives from the MinistryResponsible for Tourism were quick toreact, downplaying the announcement."Sure, we may have a slight odour prob-lem," said Ministry official RalphHottenstock, "but smellier than NewYork? Give me a break . That place smell sis worse than a frat house bathroom ona Saturday morning . And have you beento L .A .? Geez, that's enough to snake yo ulose your lunch . "

Most of the city's smell problems can betraced to the recent city workers strike,which has resulted in a complete stop -page in garbage pick up, within city Iirn -

its . As a result, garbage has been pilin gup on busy streets, and in back alleys .Although the city is obligated to pick upthe trash if it starts to pose a health prob -lem, officials have yet to resort to thismeasure. City health official ChrisMoreno told reporters that there was "nesignificant health riskcaused by the garbage . "

When questioned fur-ther, Mr. Moreno didadmit that the thou-sands upon thousandsof rats who are scav-enging through therubbish "may cause awee bit of a problem . "

Hospitality groups have been working a tthe Vancouver International Airport forseveral weeks, handing out complimen-tary noseplugs to international visitors .In a similar plan, local hotels have dou-bled the supply of air freshener to thei rrooms, and have encouraged guests t obook rooms without outside balconies.There has been a marked decrease intourism numbers this summer as a resultof the disagreeable odour, and touristspots around the city have felt the effect .

"Oh yeah, we've noticed a difference, "said Grouse Mountain Skyride operato rLars Krenske. "Particularly when in theafternoon when the . . .er. . .smog . . .starts torise. That stuff clears a mountain faste rthan a fart in a taxicab . "

On the other end ofl the city, at the

University of BritishColumbia, the effec tof the garbage strikehasn't been as obvi-ous .

"Thank God we'reupwind," said newlyappointed UBC pres-

ident Martha Piper. "Although there i sthat whole problem with the south cam -pus dump . . ." Piper added, before trailinginto a rant about campus architectur ewhich is both too verbose and to oincredibly boring to print .

The south end of campus has bee nturned into a makeshift dump duringthe strike, since city workers are blockingmunicipal dumping sites . Garbage ha spiled up in this area, to the extent that i tis now visible from the hill in front o fSUB. Though not clearly visible without

binoculars, the dump can be located bylooking for the flock of seagulls, and byfollowing the trail of racoons .

Meanwhile, Union officials are not , apol-ogizing for any inconvenience this strik emay have caused, and may still be caus-ing . Arnold R . Freschner, head of CUPElocal 417, stands by the union's actions ."Let's face it," said Freschner, in a late-night interview, "it's not like all you yup-pies are gonna fire up your landroversand get rid of all this crap yourselves .You might get your brand new moun-tainbikes dirty. We've got the powerhere, and we're willing to wait until weget whatever it is we're asking for . "

On the bright side, the City ofVancouver is making a profit o f$300,000 per week in the form of wage swhich do not need to be payed to thestriking workers . Though city official srefused to comment on where thi smoney is going .

In related news, the Mayor of Vancouver,Phillip Owen, has announced his imme-diate resignation . In a press conference,Owen announced that he and his wif ewill be moving to a brand new beachvilla in Tahiti .

Former UBCPresident Insane

Strangway 'even crazier than that French guy '

Howard H. Fibble

Mental Corresponden t

Earlier this week, a doctor at UBC'sclinical Psychiatry department atVancouver General Hospital mad e

a statement on the mental health of for-mer UBC President Dr. "Diamond" DaveStrangway. In a brief interdepartmenta lmemo dating to the time of the UBCGraduate Tuition Referendum, Dr .Vivian Rakoff stated that "in my profes-sional opinion, the man is f***ing loony .As in like a fruitloop . "

In the interests of accurate and thor-ough reporting, The 432 offered $100 toanybody and everybody who couldcome forward with a story bringing Dr.Strangway's mental competency intoquestion .

The response was both swift and vast ."Crazier than J . Edgar Hoover in his bestSunday dress," stated Joey Giovanni, thehead groundskeeper for the IJBC

Presidential residences . "You see, everyTuesday we all got up around 4 . Andthere'd be Dr. Strangway, on his patio ,wearing nothing but a lavender bathmat, singing the complete score to Josep hand the Amazing Technicolo rDreamcoat backwards in Welsh. It wasquite a scare for a bit, but we learned notto look up after a few weeks . "Another source, closer to Dr . Stangway,

had this to say "He'd be just sitting thereat senate meetings, not saying a thing .What's weird is that he'd occasionallystare at the speaker intently, and thenbark. Not like a dog, mind you, but lik ea zebra. Can I have my money now? "

The 432 managed to track down Dr.Rakoff for a brief phone interview jus tprior to presstime . He had this to say. "I twas a non-professional opinion colore dmore by my political beliefs than by myprofessional training . Sure, he could usea professional assessment . . . no, you can' tquote me on that ."

PAGE TWO

THE FOUR THIRTY TWO

3 SEPTEMBER 1997

The 432 TMVolume 11 Issue f3 September 1997

Ct) 1997 The ScienceUndergraduate Society of UDC.

All rights reserved .

No picket lines were crossed ding the production of this papelalthough we did get in a fight withsome drunken teamsters_ The 432is poisonous to racoons ,should not, in any case, be

sed of without consultingHAZ/MAT guide (page 22.)

The 432 is the official newsp athe Science UndergraduateSociety, published twice monthlyfrom our offices in the garbag edump in south campus .

All opinions expressed herein arestrictly those of the individual writ-ers and not those of The 432 or theScience Undergrad Society .

Writers and cartoonists from allulties are encouraged to submitmaterial to The 432 . All submis-sions must meet the strict deadlinerequirements and should noexceed 1000 words .

The 432 is copyrighted by TheScience Undergraduate Society ofUBC and may not be reproduced i nwhole or in part without expresswritten consent .

And remember : We Love You .

Contact InfoAttn . Editor, The 432

c/o The Dean of ScienceThe University of British Columbia

6270 University Blvd .Vancouver, B .C .

V6T I Z4(604) 822 4235x: (604) 822 5558

PrintersCollege Printers, Inc .

Vancouver, B C

ColumnistsJay Garci aJake Gray

John HallettBlair McDonald

Amanda SeymourJeremy Thor p

DistributionRubbish Boy s

(damned unions .)

Every breath you take0O0

Fridgy August 22nd marked thebeginning of the third Internationa lConference on Breath Odour. 180

dentists and scientists ranging in field sfrom biochemistry to psychology con-verged on the UBC campus to talk wit heach other, through face mask filters, onthe growing problem of halitosis inmodern western society.

The 432 has caught up with Dr. DonBrunette, UBC's associate dentistry dean ,and chair of the conference for thi sexclusive interview.The 432- Dr. Brunette, this seems to be

quite an honour for UBC to hold such ahigh profile conference, why was UB Cchosen as the site for this years badbreath summit ?Dr. Brunette- The University of BritishColumbia was chosen as the site becauseof its unusually high concentration ofpeople with chronically bad breath .Almost the entire faculty of engineeringhas been complaining for years of thei rstudents terrible beer and pizza breath .The scientists involved in organizingthis conference were concerned withthree things: what the weather wa sgoing to be like, availability of goodwine, and how many people with badbreath they could test their quack prod -

Well, here we go again . This i sthe eleventh year for the 432,and it's looking to be a goo d

one. We already have a new columnist(see above,) we've got some veteran smaking comebacks, and we have all ofthe old stand-byes .Not everything will be the same,

though. My focus this year will be onturning this paper into a real-life satir epaper, and to avoid our usual navel-gaz -

ucts on . Vancouver's reputation for goo dweather, UBC's reputation for goo ddrinks, and the hygienically challengedengineering faculty made UBC the per-fect destination .

The 432- How do you personally dealwith someone your talking to who ha sbad breath ?

Dr. Brunette- Would you like some gum?

The 432- No I'm fine thanks.

Dr. Brunette- No, would you like somegum ?

The 432- Oh, uh yes, yes please . thankyou.

Dr. Brunette- Really, it was my pleasure.

The 432- What got you involved in thearea of bad breath research ?

Dr. Brunette- Well, I'm a dentist. I haveto deal with all sorts of people, andbelieve it or not there are still a few peo -ple out there who just don't understandthe importance of oral hygiene . This cre -ates an awkward situation for anyon ewho has to talk to this person . Imagin ebeing the dentist, crawling around thisperson's mouth. It's no wonder that w edentists have such a high suicide rate .I've even thought about it once or twic emyself.

The 432- Maybe we could try and stickto the topic of bad breath .

Dr. Brunette- What do you know abou tbad breath? You've never had deal withit up close and personal . There you ar ewith you're smug little pencil and pape r

ing and amateur philosophizng. Theidea is to get some creative juices flow-ing, and to make the paper a part ofevery student's life .

Don't get me wrong. The 432 will stil lmake you laugh aloud in Chemistr yclass . It still makes a pretty good barcover at Arts bzzr gardens, and it stil lcosts less than even the cheapest adultfilm .

Of course, we can always use a helpin ghand. The 432 is always looking for newwriters, and is ever willing to bribe car-toonists with large amounts of liquor.Even if you'd just like to drop by andfind out how things work, I encourageyou to attend our new writers (and car -

thinking that I'm just a sadist with adegree . Well listen here mister! I hav efeelings too, The hair stands up just a shigh on the back of my neck with th esound of a tooth drill, and I have to her eit every day god dammit!! This intervie wis over !

UBC's breath-tasting clinic's Ke nYaegaki was thrilled at the prospect o fhaving a large group of colleagues com eand test his new device, the "Breath-o-tron". "This is perfect!" said Dr . Yaegaki," what better way to test the limits of mymachine than testing it on a bunch o fguys who will have been eating cheeseand drinking wine all week?" . Whenasked about the prospect of selling hismachine commercially, Dr. Yaegakireplied, "This is Canada, our Universitiesdon't have to produce anything useful ,sheesh . "

From as far as Israel people have cometo this conference. Mel Rosenberg, abreath expert from the university of Tel -Aviv, was quoted as saying"everybod yhas bad breath sometimes and doesn'tknow about it, including myself ." Melalso said later in a candid interview tha the attributes most of the problems in th ewest bank to a diet high in garlic andlow in parsley."How can you take some-one seriously when their breath is wors ethan a sewage treatment plant? "

- Sounds like fake is writing from experi-ence . Gum? -ed

toonists) meeting, which will be heldnext Tuesday the 9th, at 4 :32pm, here inChem B160. Free bzzr will be provided.

Keep your eyes out for conteststhroughout the year. Check out page 3for this issue's First Drunk Guy (or Girl! )contest .We have lots of prizes to giveout, including limited edition 432 t -shirts, mugs, and tickets to scienc eevents .

Speaking of events, the 432 is also anexcellent way to keep track of what' shappening around campus. We sell a dspace to anyone with a few extra bucks,and usually announce Science event swell ahead of time.

Those of you who are regular readers ofthe paper will know the ExecutiveDrawers page as 'that page I just skipover." It does, however, contain somepretty informative information (doe sthat make sense) about what is happen-ing in the Science UndergraduateSociety. If we ever tried to slip by a scam ,we'd be legally required to talk about i tin this paper, so it's up to you guys tokeep your eyes open.

Did you read something in this issuewhich really pissed you off? Somethin gwhich made you laugh so hard youbroke a blood vessel in your forehead ?Something which made you embar-rassed to be associated with this paper ,this faculty, this university, or even thiscivilization? If you did, I want you to letus know. E-mail me atjerthorp@unixg .ubc .ca. Call me at 822 -4235 . Pin threatening notes on the doorof B160. I don't care . Just let yourself beheard - we can use the criticism, and youcould use the satisfaction .

-Jet.

ps . John and I have a bet running as towhether or not I can produce 3 error-freeissues in a row. If I win, I get a keg ofbzzr. If John wins, he gets a pitcher perdefective issue. Anyone who is willing tocome in and help me proofread get stheir share of the keg. Really.

We apologize to out of province studentswho did not receive a copy of the Guide,the free Science Undergraduate Society

student handbook.

Copies of the Guide will be available fo rpick-up in the Science UndergraduateSociety office (Chem B I60) during th e

first two weeks of class . Please bring yourstudent card .

Editorial .

3 SEPTEMBER 1997

THE FOUR THIRTY TWO

PAGE THREE

Frosh ReportAmanda Seymour

Real Life First-year

Ahhh. .yes . Another school year has begun with the usual brash attempts a tschool spirit. As the lowly frosh I have become the target for the cheesy andgood-intentioned advice of my elders . Advice from all places has eradicated al l

my naive good intentions of studying hard and making the Dean's List . My firstmove: taking a UBC Tour led by an overly nice and enthusiastic AMS-type . Theadvice just began piling up . . ."Get involved in (insert club name here), "Go to class, "and "Balance work and play . "Presently I'm more interested in balancing a beer bottle on my head . I have a feel-

ings that within a week my fellow first year SUSers and I will be puking up Shaftbur yCream Ale all over those comfy Chem B160 couches. And I'm deeply consideringUPSing my laundry home to mom every weekend as I need extra time to escape frommy engineering ex-boyfriends with intentions of tanking me without warning . Bu tbefore I develop a substantial case of rickets from my Kraft Diner diet, I feel I mus tdenounce the Royal/Hong Kong Bank Deal, also called U13C Sellout #3 . Darn it, I justchanged to TD bank to save $ on service charges . And I'm already missing my dea rPepsi .Still I had no idea that UBC would be such a dump . Literally. The proposed south

campus garbage dump is putting a cramp in my "paper plates and styrofoam cup "

\m1.1. REX MAKE IT -ro FITS EXAM,?

WILL RATBOY SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP?

WILL HE R NP TRUE LOVE?

lifestyle . I'm just beginning to realize just how much 70,000 kg of garbage per weekcan smell . Still, I'm ready to face that first day of school (watching a concert and eat-ing burgers doesn't sound half bad, eh?) At least all us first years can laugh at allthose older kids running off to class . But the summer definitely ended on a highnote. Did you checkout Edgefest? Itrocked! Just watchout for those hardcore goths thatcame out for Te aParty. . .all of the sud-den the mosh pi tgot way too violent .Our Lady Peace' sencore was definite-ly the highlight o fmy summer. To sig noff, all I have to sayis god bless theHealth SciencesParking attendantwho let us park for __-free . Rock on .

find out

every 2

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110 WAY AU pE •

THIS is oriel'^ 110

An Open Letter to

the Students of U.B.C .

Hi . M.? nam e i s Da'id La" rence , and I'm i n

charg e of retail sales fo r the UBC Bookstore .

The Bookstor e has been concerne d s,Ath th e

recen t popularit' of so-calle d "discount "

bookstores and the corresponding decline of

our nets sales .

Do qou really knov) ',thatou're buying

hen o u get a Math book for $40 les s a t a

"discount " bookstore? Sla'erQ , that' s .'hat .

Those books are assembled b' S'fear ol d

children in the Peru'ia n jungle vtho earn les s

than 5 cents a dad and a ')hip in th e back i f

they sloN u p for e'en a second . An d the

books aren' t e'en made from rec' cled mate-

rials .

Books bought and sold b' the UB C

Bookstore are constructed right here in

Canada b' a .Workforce v)ith an a'erage age

of at least 12 . Our books are constructed of

a durable petroleum extr act so that it ca n

sere generations of UBC students, pro'ided

that the material remains rele'ant .

Which reminds me, I''e heard a lot of flack

concerning ho' the Bookstore recommend s

to professors that they update the required

texts for classes e'ery year. UBC is a first

class learning institution and'Je'Jant ou r

students to learn vJith the latest information .

F'en if that requires making e'eryone takin g

fourth year biology to buy a ne' $300 book

half ' aQ through the semester just because

they fled the spelling of intestine on page

503 .

And that brings me to yet another sore spot .

It seems that you students think that our

prices are unfair. Sure, 'Je charge $160 this

year for the exact same book that ' ent for

$95 last 'pear. Do 'ou think that storing it for

a "lear is free? Besides, We'll gi'e "lou $2 0

for *our old one! What a deal! And don't ge t

mad ..,then ' e turn around and sell it a s

'used' for the discount price of $155 instead

of $160. Putting that sticker on it cost s

labour! Do you think our staff ' ork for free?

Granted,'Oe only paQ then $7 an hour, but i t

adds up o'er time . You hi and run Wester n

Canada's biggest bookstore on pennies a

dad .

It's time ou realized ho.' hard it is to make

money in this game . Besides, "lou students

don't ha'e a right to complain . It's not as i f

our earned that scholarship mone"l .

To Wrap up, .oe might charge Nice as much

as our competitors, but the"? can't change a

required course text o'ernighl . And don' t

think v)e " on't do it .

PAGE FOUR

3 SEPTEM

The Offi

First Year T

InvolvedScience Council Elections ar ecoming this October. Councilpositions are available for clubrepresentatives, departmenta lrepresentatives, general officersand two positions just for firstyears .

Advice for froshfrom The 432.

• Get involved in undergraduate societies and clubs .Why? They don't ID the people who are serving atbzzr gardens .

• Go to the Bookstore at 8 :30 in the morning . Why?No lineups . It's true. Really.

• Your UBC Respack TM includes a free condom! Use i tbefore the expiry date (4 years from now) .

• Books from the bookstore can be returned for a ful lrefund anytime within two weeks of purchase noquestions asked . Yes, even during exams .

• Arts Bzzr Gardens use the same bzzr tickets all yea rlong .

• Attendants leave the booths in B-Lot around 1 1 p mand leave the gates up .

• Wreck beach sounds fun, but can be a very, very

ugly place to spend an afternoon . (Think Uncle Ralp hwithout his bathrobe .)

• No tankings are allowed on Fridays .

• Library fines do add up .

• They take away fake IDs at The Pit .

• The big, round thing in the washroom at The Pit i snot a urinal .

YES! You ~4# eEA KEENER T00/

Get them while they 'rehot! Every Front RowKeenerTM needs a fourcolour clicker pen! Be

part of the fury of clicksthat happens in every

first year class when theprof changes colours on

the overhead !

Let them know you 're keen.Be part of the tradition .

~J/E FOUR COLOUR CLICKERPEN FRONT Row KEENER(D/r/ofi/,ON SALE AT 7)ii

u,vc'&w SHOP wiiit cSUPPUESMS7.

Watch future issues of The 432for information, call SUS at 822-+235, or better yet stop by andtalk to John Fournier in SU S(ChemBl6O) .

Science UBC .Your life will never be the same .

BER 1997

CENTER SPREAD T M

dat 432

heme PageTM

The SUS Office.Chem B160

Photocopier. 5¢Fridge. Beware ofattack salads .

Mmmm.Couch .

Microwave .No fish!

ExecutiveMailboxe s

's Yours. Use it

, W

DO ~ g'OEGiP

w

It's Yours. Abuse it.

PAGE SIX

THE FOUR THIRTY TWO

3 SEPTEMBER 1997

Apples, stereos andspace stations

Ithink the world is coming to an end .The four horsemen are riding, doom-sayers crying from every corner, an d

cults gaining members faster than tha tTickle Me Elmo craze from lastChristmas.Here's my reasons for thinking The End

of The World is upon us:1. Microsoft buys into Apple Computer.

This is not good . In fact, in a pseudo -religious context, this is on the samelevel as Satan walking up to the Pearl yGates, knocking politely, and whe nGabriel answers, Satan says, "Gee, I'mreally sorry for all the trouble I'v ecaused, but you see, I've left my walle ton my old dresser, and please, could Icome into Heaven to get it? "Steve Jobs-as close to an angel as you're

going to find on this earth-must be outof his blinking mind. Sure, let Th eBiggest Software Conglomerate Of Al lTime buy into your company, but countall the silverware first, ok? Otherwise,you'll wake up one morning with noth-ing left of Apple than the nameplat efrom your door.

2. Vancouver Garbage Strike. Also notgood, as the rats are gaining dominanceover us lousy humans . Isn't a plague sup-posed to be one of the signs to look out

for? Although, I must admit that th epiles of garbage are a nifty aid to naviga-tion. Ships can easily see the piles oftrash on the beach (they also glo wbrightly in the night time) and I alway scan tell when I've crossed from Burnabyinto Vancouver.

3. My parents are entering the 21st cen-tury. No, really . You see, my dad finallysnapped (a la Champ) and retired hi svenerable 8-track and reel-to-reel . Thesewere the entirety of the family entertain-ment center, along with a television tha tlooked like something out of Leave it t oBeaver, and a VCR from the dawn of th eVCR age-back when Beta was thought t obe a really good investment .Nope, one day I come home, and there' s

packing crates all over the living room ,styrofoam beads in every nook and cran-ny, and my dad sitting in the middle ofit all with a bemused look on his face a she attempts to translate the operatinginstructions into something resemblingEnglish . "Insert Tab A into place C, lockand try again . . ." You know, the ones thatmake more sense if you puzzle out themeaning of the Spanish ?

Anyway, he went out and bought a 5disc changer, a stereo receiver with pre -amp, a surround sound speaker system,and-proving he hasn't really entered the21st century, and is quite likely stuck inthe early 80's-a dual cassette player . He' sin the middle of wiring it all up, andnow intends to retire the circa-1970 tele-vision and enter the digital age .

So, the world is ending, and there's nosafe place to be . Except maybe orbitingthe Earth at an altitude of 1 .4 miles . Lik ethe space station Mir.

I figure, hey, if the Russians can kee pthat piece of junk in orbit, how hard canit be? I'll just whip down to my localdrugstore and find a copy of Popula rMechanics. That's where the Russian sgot their plans, right? And I can obvi-ously do everything-up to the launch ,that is-since they obviously hired Ti mTaylor as their Chief Engineer.

Ingredients for your very own space sta-tion:

1. Living Module : Your personal auto-mobile should do nicely, providing yo ucan't see through the floorboards .Simply roll up the windows really tight ,and seal with a clear silcone putty (avail- ,able for $4.95 from your local hardwarestore) . A larger automobile is best, prefer -ably a Chevy Suburban . Foreign imports(i .e . Kia or Nissan) will simply not hav eenough room .

2. Thruster System: Splice hoses fromyour exhaust, and have them exit fromdifferent directions around your car.Duct tape hoses to body of car to preven tleakage . When you need to adjust yourorbit, simply select correct hose, revengine and hope like hell you've got th eright hose . Note: ensure you have a fullgas tank before leaving Earth's gravitywell .3. Solar Power: We've all got old calcu-

lators lying around . Gather up the solar

panels, splice together, and glue ont oroof of car.

4. Backup Power : Honda generator.

5. Station Computer : See 3 .

6. Oxygen generator : They use algae ,right? Good, no problem. Simplyremove that artichoke dip you left in theback of the fridge, add expired milk, an ddump the whole mess in to a plastic con-tainer that has a chunk of garden hos esticking out the top . Oxygen for years .

7. Backup Oxygen Generator: Thismight be too scientific for most people,but I'm going to play it safe, and stickmy SCUBA tanks in the back.

You're ready to be launched into space .This would have posed a problem, a sNASA looks dimly on people towing a1988 Ford Escort Wagon space station uptheir front doors and asking for a boost .But now, there's a company down inCalifornia (where else?) who can launchyour remains into space. Imagine, fol-lowing the same route to the tranquilityof deep space as Gene Roddenberry! So,call them up, tell them they've got a cus-tomer who's 600 pounds who specifiedburial in his beloved car.

Speaking of tranquility, it is fairly quie tup there . If you're leaving behind lovedones, go get a sat phone, or at least agood CB to communicate with th eShuttle as it passes by. If not, don' tworry. Just bring your tunes .

The Official 432 Dead Pool 2 .MIIIMMMMNNMNMNNMNNNMMM.MMMMNNMN

UBC's most tasteless contest returns for its second year .DISCLAIMER: If you are offended easily or sicken the thought of bettin gon some one's death, go read Amanda's article again . Look for the

secret message ,You can't outwit Death, but you can sure make a nice profit off of it . Here's how: make a list of15 famous folks who you think are likely to pop it by year's end, submit it to The 432 by the firstof October and start watching the evening news with anticipation .Sure ; it's amoral, insensitive and quite frankly a little bit sick. But it's kits offun! And it doesn'tcost a thing to enter! So why not ?C'mon, what have you got to lose? Make up your list and start waiting! Updates will be printe devery two weeks in The 432. Good luck and don't fear the reaper .

Some perrenial favorites :Pope John Paul II (It's almost like he's got God's favor or something )The Queen Mother (How old is she, anyway? What, one, two-hundred? )Mother Theresa (She's only alive because of God's will . But the minute He blinks . . . )Queen Elizabeth II (Odds are Liz'II beat ma to the grave . )Boris Yeltsin (Can you believe he made it through last year?)Tiny Tim (Oh yeah, he's already dead, scratch that one. )Bob Dole (Anybody who refers to himself in the third person that much has to be near the end . )Bob Sa9at (I know he's too young, but wouldn't it be nice?)Keith Richards (We figure that he's already dead, but his brain has clued in yet )Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's (Anybody who eats that much greasy food has to kick it soon )Rush Limbaugh (Two words : heart failure. )Ronald Reagan (Close . S00000 close . )Tuk the Polar Bear (Even bears die and I need a new fur jacket . : . )Frank Sinatra (First he's on his deathbed, now he isn't . Just give up and croak, Frank.)

Official DeadPool Rules .Make a list of 15 individuals tha t

you think are likely to pop it befor epress time of the last issue of Th e432 .Hand your list into SUS before Oct.l -Aideaths before Oct . 1 cannotcount for points .

3. Late entries will be accepted .However, you don't get points fo rpeople already dead .

4. Only include celebrities. Names like"Anyone who flies ValuJet", "m yroommate" and "The editor ofThe432" will not be accepted .

5. All deaths on your list will only countfor one point, regardless of ordering .

6 Any contestant found guilty in acourt of law for the murder of acelebrity on their list will not receivethe point. Everyone else, however,will .

6. There is no rule six .7. We're sorry. Elvis is dead . If you mus t

include him, he will have to b eproven to be alive and subsequentlydie during the contest for you to ge ta point.

8. We don't know what the prize i syet, but it'll be something really cool .Trust us. Last year, we gave away afew tickets to Arts County Fair .

The Drawers, of SUS

Well thanks again Jer, I could be enjoying some food now but no, here I amagain writing another exec report two days before I was told it was due . Bu tI guess that's beside the point because there isn't anything that can stan d

in the way of the 432 coming out on time ; mind you they usually have food and bzz rhere (another incentive to write) .

Anyway, I'm Mike Boetzkes and for some strange reason I got reelected as SoCo her eat SUS. So you say "what do you care?" Well it means that some of that money tha tyou have to had paid by today or else get you courses canceled goes to me . I onl ywish I got to keep it but n00000, I have to spend it on alcohol . A decent trade off Iguess . What am I saying it's awesome .

OK you say how do you get some of this alcohol? Well it's actually easier than youmight think. A good start would be to go to the SUS bzzr garden on Wed Sept . 3 .After all you should start the year off on the right foot, or well any foot that you ca nfind .

At this point I'm going off to eat looking forward to watching you all trying to sta yon your feet on Wed .

-Mikey is the guy at our bzzr gardens, diligently watching the crowd, drinking from a ca nof 'coke.' Yeah, sure Mikey. If you're wondering why there aren't any other exec reports in

this issue, so am I. It seems that all of the other execs have fallen off the face of the earth,and are now residing in some other dimension .

Welcome back, everyone! I hope everyone's summer was more exciting tha nmine . Actually, I take that back, I don't . I've already got enough peoplearound to be jealous of, thank you very much. Anyhoo, I have this report

thing to write, and actually, it's going to be fairly short, because my deadline ha sbeen shortened from tomorrow to 1/2 an hour from now . In the first two weeks o fschool, there is the following : first year BBQ - first year's get a free lunch, all other scan pay a nominal fee . Details about this should be floating around in the pape rsomewhere. . .check John F's article, if he wrote one . 2nd Class bash on (of course) th esecond day of classes . Avoid the line ups at the Pit . . .join us for cheap bzzr. 4 :32 inthe Partyroom, check Mikey's article for this one .

If you didn't get a guide and stall need one, drop by Chem 160 and see Jer. Sportsrebates are rumoured toPartyroom, check Mikey's article for this one . If you didn' tget a guide and still need one, drop by Chem 160 and see Jer . Sports rebates arerumoured to be increasing to 60% this year! So sign up for a team, and drop off you rroster and receipt with Aarne for that . And if you can't find a team, no problem, jus ttrack him down and he'll find somewhere for you .. That's all for this issue, I believe.Drop by the office sometime (chem 160) and visit us . We're not too scary a bunch ofpeople (except for Jer on production nights, but I steer clear of him then) .

Bella got this article to me 10 minutes before the paper went to print. Now, that's timing.-ed

PAGE EIGHT

THE FOUR THIRTY TWO

3 SEPTEMBER 1997

Submarines and ankle pie

ere's a lot of talk floating aroundthe province about kicking theAmericans out of Nanoose Bay

over the ongoing salmon war. I've heardvarying opinions from "Kick them damnYankees out!" all the way to "No! They'l lprotect us if we're invaded!" Well, it' stime to set the record straight.

You see, what the big boys in Victoriahave neglected to tell you is exactly wha tmilitary installation is at Nanoose .Everyone seems to agree that some sortof armed forces camp is at Nanoose, bu tno one seems to know what it is or howimportant to Washington it is . I grew upat Nanoose . I spent a good 18 years ofmy life living next door to the SouthernYahoos that the USA had deemed fit tomaintain and operate Nanoose Base . Soit follows that I should know what'sthere .

Basically, the entire US side of the baseconsists of about 20 aging buildings, tw omarine docks and about 150 raw recruit s(with fully loaded M-16s) whose mainduty is to spend each and every day duti-fully ensuring that they don't actuallylight anything at the base on fire (you' dbe amazed how often they fail) .

So what do these idiots do all day?Simply put, they practice getting invad-ed and shot at . Ships full of experience dmarines come in every week or so an dabsolutely slaughter the raw recruits .

Any surprises here? I thought not .

As well, every time the Pentagon comesup with a new maritime commie-fann yzapper or five trillion dollar lazer nuke-be-stopped of some kind, they send i tover to Private Zeke an d Corporal Jethr oat Nanoose. They then load up their1950s-era mine sweeper and head out t oCFMETR (Canadian Forces MaritimeExperimental Test Range) . Then Zekeand Cousin Jethro aim at something ,shoot it and count the pieces so the guysback in DC have a more accurate esti-mate of what "smithereens" means.

So why does the US spend millions o fdollars sending America's finest up t othe Great White North when they coul dblow things up Monday through Fridayin Seattle and still have time for a latt eon the weekend? It would make moresense, wouldn't it? Keeping top secretAmerican naval activities inside the US' sborders is just good national defense .

Now we get to the fun stuff . You see,under the treaty that allows militaryactivity at Nanoose is the very explici tstatement that no nuclear devices are t obe involved. Yes, this does meanweapons. I mean, what kind of idio twould allow nuclear testing onCanadian soil? Well, Mulroney mighthave, but that's another story. The catc his that the term "nuclear devices" als oincludes nuclear powered submarines .Do they obey this rule? Not on your life .

Oh sure, they say "Absolutely no nuclearsubmarines have ever been in Nanoose" .

Then you show them a photo of a LosAngeles-class attack sub tied to berth

two .

"Very interesting . But this obviouslyisn't our facility at Nanoose Bay. "

Next you produce a picture of the sam esub from a different angle, so that itshows the 'CFB Nanoose' sign in th ebackground .

"Yes . That is Nanoose. But this is just aclassified fishing boat . "

Then you point out to them that ver yfew fishing boats are either submerged ,85,000 tones or have a 'caution, nuclearfuel inside' sticker on the side .

"Would you believe two fishing boats? "You get the point . It's about as produc-

tive as asking the Pentagon about Are a51 .

Back to my point, with all this nuclea rtraffic going hither and thither in aweapons testing zone, the potential for anuclear 'oops' shoots up a bit . Now yousee why they need a foreign testing facil -ity. You can't go radiating your own citi-zens now, can you? That just wouldn' tbe a seemly thing for a government todo. But go and microwave them back-ward, frozen Canucks and no one's th ewiser. I mean, who actually speaksenough French to miss them?

I can see it now. The US Ambassador toCanada requests a meeting with the PM,and over tea admits "Well, urn, you see,sir. The thing is, uh, we kinda vaporize dSouth Western British Columbia, bu tthere is an up side. It doesn't rain inVancouver nearly as much now!" An dour PM will have to sit there, smile an dnod because you can't rant and rave at a

country that has an armed forces rough-ly equivalent to your entire population.

So, kick the bums out . So what if theyno longer are going to run to our rescueif we're invaded . I mean, exactly who i ssupposed to be invading us anyway ?Who has a grudge against Canada? It'snot like Argentina going to look at a ma pand say "Hey, wait a minute . Do you seethat? British Columbia!British Columbia! Let's get them!" I' msorry, it's not going to happen folks .

Let's do the math . What country mighthave a bit of a grudge against Canadaand could possibly stand to gain b yannexing part of Canuck-land? Fromanother angle, what country has bee nsalivating in anticipation ever since themere mention of a fragmented Canadacame out of Quebec?

You got it folks . The only country thatmight possibly invade Canada is the US .They still want retribution for tha twhole 1812 thing and, besides, it's thei rmanifest destiny, isn't it? A lot of good amilitary promise from the USA is goin gto do when it's the Yankees we're look-ing across the trench at . ("Urn, we'r egoing to send you those troops wepromised. Just stop shooting for a bit !No, this isn't a trick." )

No, we're better off kicking the idiot sout and then start raising our army an dstocking up on snowballs . Those Yankee swon't even know what hit them . . . unles sit's summer.

-John is starting UBC's first ever militia .Interested parties please contact the RCMP.-ed.

The nth annual 2nd Class Bash .

Society of UBC does not endorse excessive drinking, drunkeness or the consumption of uicohoi by minors. That, however, doe

ck here o lose your min d

http://www .seercom.com/SUS/432/

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