2003, Vol. 52, No. 2 143

Unresolved Issues in Adult Children’s Marital RelationshipsInvolving Intergenerational Problems*

John M. Beaton,** Joan E. Norris, and Michael W. Pratt

When their first child was 5, 30 couples discussed an unresolved issue in their marital relationship that involved one of their parents,and how they would resolve this issue. Five intergenerational themes were identified in these disagreements: (a) balancing nuclear vs.extended family time, (b) changing rules and roles, (c) pleasing parents vs. spouse, (d) struggling with power, and (e) fearing futureobligations. Most couples decided to resolve the issue between themselves.

Prior to the last 10–15 years, researchers believed that fam-ily ties had weakened as a result of growing divorce rates,substance abuse, child abuse, poverty, single-parent fam-

ilies, teenage pregnancy, and crime (Robertson, 1995). However,there is contrary evidence in the literature to suggest that familybonds are not weaker than in earlier points in history (e.g., Fin-german, 2000; Putney & Bengtson, 2001). Intergenerational link-ages may be even stronger as a result of individuals living longerand sharing more years of experience (e.g., Lawton, Silverstein,& Bengtson, 1994; Uhlenberg & Kirby, 1998). The relationshipof adult children with their parents does not end when childrengrow up and leave home. Many adult children continue to relyon their parents for emotional and financial support (Norris &Tindale, 1994; Rossi & Rossi, 1991) and for help with child-rearing (Hagestad, 1987a; Lawton et al., 1994).

Despite evidence that many adult children and their parentsare still actively involved in each other’s lives, there has beenlittle research on the nature of these relationships, especiallywhen they are conflictual (Bengtson, Rosenthal, & Burton, 1996;Clarke, Preston, Raksin, & Bengtson, 1999; Mancini & Bliesz-ner, 1989). We know even less about how problematic relation-ships with parents may influence adult children’s marital rela-tionships. For example, do couples argue about issues such astheir parents spoiling the grandchildren or about the possibilityof all three generations sharing a residence? Further, if suchproblems cause trouble between spouses, how does the coupleattempt to manage or resolve these issues within their maritalrelationship? With these questions in mind, this study used anopen-ended couple discussion to accomplish four purposes: (a)to identify what types of unresolved issues couples experienceas a result of intergenerational problems, (b) to explore howgender influences the types of unresolved marital issues couplesdiscuss that are associated with intergenerational problems, (c)to explain how couples manage these issues within their maritalrelationship, and (d) to demonstrate how intergenerational am-bivalence explains themes of unresolved issues in marital rela-tionships associated with intergenerational problems.

Conceptual FrameworksFamily stress theory and research show how life course tran-

sitions, such as the birth of the first child, a child going to school,

*This project was funded by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Councilof Canada through research grant 410-98-0434, awarded to Michael Pratt, Joan E. Norris,and Mary Louise Arnold.

**Department of Family Relations and Applied Nutrition, University of Guelph,Guelph, Ontario, N1G 2W1 Canada (beaton@uoguelph.ca).

Key Words: conflict, grandparents, intergenerational relationships, marriage.

(Family Relations, 2003, 52, 143–153)

an adolescent child leaving home, or the loss of a parent, canlead to stress in families (Boss, 2001; Boss & Kaplan, 2000).When a family experiences the birth of their first child, parentsand grandparents may need to adjust their positions in the family.For new parents, there is a feeling of uncertainty about familyroles and boundaries within intergenerational relationships, asthe birth of a child alters the external structure of the extendedfamily and creates boundary ambiguity. As a consequence, someadult children are unsure about how they want grandparents tobe involved in their lives and their child’s life. Their responseto changing roles and boundaries within the intergenerationalfamily following the birth of a first child may be understood byapplying the conceptual framework of intergenerational ambiv-alence.

Adult intergenerational relationships typically have beenstudied with the framework of intergenerational solidarity theorythat postulates that relationships are based on dimensions of fam-ily cohesion and consensus (Bengtson & Roberts, 1991; Silver-stein & Bengtson, 1997). Luescher and Pillemer (1998) chal-lenged the idea that intergenerational relationships are based onthe presence of solidarity and the absence of conflict, arguingthat intergenerational relationships cannot be described this sim-ply; they are more complex and filled with both positive andnegative emotions than the solidarity perspective suggests. In-stead, they proposed the term ‘‘intergenerational ambivalence’’to describe the inherent contradictions in such relationships.They suggested that contradictions can be seen ‘‘at the level ofsocial structure, evidenced in institutional resources and require-ments, such as statuses, roles, and norms, and at the subjectivelevel, in terms of cognitions, emotions, and motivations’’ (p.416). Recently a number of articles were written in the Journalof Marriage and Family discussing the similarities and differ-ences with solidarity and ambivalence theories; it is beyond thescope of this article to continue this thought provoking debate(see Bengtson, Giarusso, Mabry, & Silverstein, 2002; Connidis& McMullin, 2002; Curran, 2002; Luescher, 2002).

Ambivalence within close relationships has been studiedacross the life span (e.g., Connidis & McMullin, 2002). Thomp-son and Holmes (1996) studied ambivalence between romanticand marital partners. Like Luescher and Pillemer (1998), theybelieve that close relationships have both positive and negativeaspects. Thompson and Holmes stated, ‘‘the presence of bothpositive and negative attitudes toward a romantic partner maynot always be indicative of interpersonal or intrapersonal distur-bance. Specifically, ambivalent attitudes may sometimes reflectthe natural and ongoing development of interdependence in arelationship’’ (p. 502). The term intergenerational ambivalenceis adopted here, as couples were asked to discuss an unresolvedmarital issue about an intergenerational as opposed to maritalproblem. Intergenerational ambivalence is an individual feeling

144 Family Relations

or cognition about relationships between generations that doesnot depend on direct interaction with another generation. Luesch-er and Pillemer distinguish the term ‘‘intergenerational ambiva-lence’’ from the term ‘‘boundary ambiguity’’ (Boss, 1988, 2001).They argue that boundary ambiguity refers to uncertainty abouta family situation that may lead to feelings of ambivalence; how-ever, boundary ambiguity does not necessarily involve opposingcognitions or emotions.

The intergenerational ambivalence framework is used herebecause it offers important insights into the understanding ofmarital relationships within the context of intergenerational re-lationships. For couples to resolve marital issues associated withintergenerational problems, they need to be aware of the chang-ing roles and boundaries within their intergenerational relation-ships. The entering and exiting of grandparents into the familysystem requires a tolerance for ambivalence. For example, newmothers and fathers may have different ideas about how theirparents should discipline their children. Some couples may ex-perience greater happiness in their marital relationship as theylearn to deal with the ambivalence created by intergenerationalinteractions. Other couples may find it necessary for them toresolve intergenerational issues that cause difficulty in their mar-ital relationship in order to continue to be involved with theirparents.

Problems Between GenerationsThere is a lack of research that specifically addresses how

unresolved marital issues are created by intergenerational prob-lems. Individuals in relationships are bound to have contradic-tory goals and opinions; therefore, conflict is inevitable. How-ever, there is minimal research on conflict in later life relation-ships, with notable exceptions (Bengtson et al., 1996; Clarke etal., 1999; Fingerman, 1997, 1998). Clarke and his colleaguessuggested four reasons for this lack of research. First, there isselective reporting, as respondents tend not to talk about familyconflict because of social desirability. Even during therapy ses-sions, older parents tend not to report areas of conflict with theiradult children (Mancini & Blieszner, 1989) and overall providereports that are more positive than those of their children (Bengt-son, 1996; Hagestad, 1987b; Suitor & Pillemer, 1988). This isconsistent with the ‘‘intergenerational stake’’ hypothesis that old-er parents have more at stake and want to maintain family re-lationships. Second, studies investigating conflict have used atleast three different conceptual definitions: (a) differences in in-dividuals’ agendas and interests; (b) individuals’ tactics or re-sponses to conflicts of interest; and (c) hostility toward others(Straus, 1979). Different definitions of conflict make it difficultto make comparisons across studies about conflict patterns inlater life relationships. Third, most research investigating conflictwithin families has taken a quantitative approach when an in-depth qualitative approach might have been more appropriate.Family members responding to survey questions may underes-timate the level of conflict within intergenerational relationships,whereas qualitative research may allow researchers to probe atdeeper issues of intergenerational conflict (Suitor, Pillemer, Kee-ton, & Robison, 1995). Fourth, in order to investigate conflictwithin families, it would be useful to develop a typology ofthemes about intergenerational conflict to guide researchers andpractitioners.

Clarke and his colleagues (1999) created one such promisingsystem containing six types of possible intergenerational conflict:communication and interaction style; habits and lifestyle choices;

child-rearing practices and values; politics, religion, and ideol-ogy; work habits and orientations; and household standards ormaintenance. With the exception of communication and inter-action style, these types of conflict are primarily based on broadsurface-level topics. For example, power struggles or commu-nication interaction styles would reflect relationship processthemes, whereas child-rearing practices or religion would reflectmore topical themes. In-depth qualitative research has the poten-tial to address how relationship process themes underlie unre-solved marital issues related to intergenerational problems. Fam-ily conflicts often involve both surface-level and deeper-levelmeanings (Emery, 1992). Qualitative research is needed to ex-plore how deeper relational processes influence unresolved mar-ital issues related to intergenerational problems.

It is unclear from previous research about conflict and in-tergenerational relationships whether the research is actuallyabout intergenerational conflict or unresolved intergenerationalissues because researchers use different definitions of conflict.Here, the construct of unresolved issue is adopted to refer to anunresolved issue between marital partners that involves an in-tergenerational problem. ‘‘Unresolved issue’’ is used becausecouples may agree to disagree about an intergenerational prob-lem, and, therefore, the issue does not necessarily create ongoingconflict in their relationship. From our perspective, conflict refersto those issues in relationships that couples overtly verbally ornonverbally express continually.

Gender and Intergenerational Relationships

Numerous research studies demonstrate how gender playsan important role in intergenerational relationships. Intergener-ational contacts and exchanges are mostly initiated by women(Hagestad, 1987b; Putney & Bengtson, 2001; Rossi & Rossi,1990), and it has been argued that women are socially condi-tioned to feel responsible for maintaining relationships (Chodo-row 1978; Gilligan, 1982), including intergenerational relation-ships. Most of the research regarding gender focuses on howadult daughters are involved with their mothers (e.g., Fingerman,2000). This research indicates that daughters are more involvedthan are sons with parents and daughters take more responsibilityfor maintaining ties across generations (Fingerman, 1997, 1998;Norris & Tindale, 1994). This also suggests that there is lessconflict and more closeness between father-daughter and mother-son dyads than in father-son dyads and mother-daughter dyads(see Suitor et al., 1995; Umberson, 1992). Additionally, there issome evidence that the type of conflict varies by gender. Womentend to have conflicts with parents about family matters, whereasmen tend to have conflicts with parents about social and politicalissues (Hagestad, 1987b; Lehr, 1984). However, little researchhas focused on how the gender of an adult child and their parentinfluences intergenerational relationships.

Research has focused on the conflict between generations(e.g., between adult children and their parents over lifestylechoices; Clarke et al., 1999). Our study was designed to explorehow interactions between generations may lead to unresolvedissues in adult children’s marital relationships. Considering thelikelihood that couples have disagreements regarding at least oneof their parents, there is a need to address how couples go aboutmanaging these issues within their relationship. In light of thesegaps in the research, this study addressed four broad researchquestions:

2003, Vol. 52, No. 2 145

Table 1Types of Issues Couples Discuss With Maternal and Paternal Grandparents

Unresolved IssueInitiated Problem

Discussion Problem is WithStrategy to

ResolveDriving Distance

(in Hrs) Contact

Holidays/visitsHolidays/visitsHolidays/visitsHolidays/visitsHolidays/visits

FemaleFemaleMaleFemaleFemale

Both sets of parentsPaternal parentsBoth sets of parentsPaternal fatherPaternal parents

Discuss withinIndirectAvoidDiscuss withinDiscuss within

1.01.0.5.5

2.5

MonthlyMonthlyWeeklyMonthlyMonthly

Holidays/visitsHolidays/visitsHolidays/visitsHolidays/visitsHolidays/visits

FemaleBothFemaleFemaleFemale

Paternal motherBoth sets of parentsPaternal fatherMaternal parentsBoth sets of parents

Directly talkAvoidDiscuss withinDiscuss withinDiscuss within

1.51.0.5.5

1.0

MonthlyWeeklyWeeklyWeeklyWeekly

Holidays/visitsDisciplineDisciplineDisciplineDisciplineDiscipline

FemaleFemaleFemaleMaleMaleFemale

Paternal parentsPaternal parentsPaternal motherMaternal motherMaternal fatherPaternal father

Directly talkDirectly talkIndirectIndirectDiscuss withinDirectly talk

.5

.51.5

36.02.5.5

MonthlyMonthlyMonthly, YearMonthlyMonthly

DisciplineAccepting moneyAccepting moneyAccepting moneyParent living with

BothMaleMaleBothMale

Maternal parentsMaternal motherBoth sets of parentsMaternal motherMaternal mother

Discuss withinIndirectDiscuss withinDiscuss withinDiscuss within

.51.0.5.0

3.0

MonthlyMonthlyMonthlyDailyYearly

Parent living withParent living withSpoilingSpoilingConfronting parent

FemaleBothMaleMaleFemale

Paternal motherMaternal motherMaternal parentsMaternal motherPaternal parents

Discuss withinDiscuss withinAvoidAvoidDirectly talk

1.05.02.0.5

3.0

Monthly, YearMonthlyBiweeklyMonthly

Confronting parentParent’s healthTeasingAdvice

FemaleFemaleMaleFemale

Paternal fatherPaternal motherMaternal fatherPaternal parents

Discuss withinDiscuss withinDirectly talkDirectly talk

.5

.5

.510.0

MonthlyBiweeklyWeekly, Year

1. What types of unresolved marital issues do couples dis-cuss that are linked to intergenerational problems?

2. How does the gender of an adult child and that of theirparent influence the types of issues couples discuss?

3. How do adult children attempt to manage issues that areassociated with intergenerational problems in their marital rela-tionship?

4. How does the intergenerational ambivalence frameworkexplain themes of unresolved marital issues associated with in-tergenerational problems?

Method

DesignThis study was the fourth phase in an ongoing longitudinal

study that explored new parents’ expectations and experiencesat four different times: during the second trimester of pregnancyand again when the child was 6 months, 18 months, and ap-proximately 4.5 to 5 years old. The first phase asked parentsabout their expectations regarding becoming new parents. Thesecond and third phases focused on parental experiences withtheir young child. The fourth phase focused on relationships be-tween the three generations. A semistructured interview and cou-ple discussion was conducted in the participants’ homes and wasdesigned to explore relationships between grandchildren, parents,and grandparents in Phase 4.

SampleThe original sample included 73 couples from urban cities

in southwestern Ontario who were recruited from prenatal clas-ses. Our study focused on 30 of the 73 couples who agreed to

participate in the final phase. Many of the couples that decidednot to participate in this phase had moved, or had indicated thattheir lives were too busy, or were divorced. These 30 couples,each of whom had an oldest child between 4.5–5 years, weremarried and had lived together for an average of 8.41 years (SD5 2.76). The mean age of the wives was 32.19 years (SD 53.55) and of the husbands was 33.49 years (SD 5 5.24). Mostof the women (89%) and the men (91%) had some post-second-ary education. The majority of the men were employed full-time(86%). The majority of the women were employed either part-time (36%) or full-time (27%). These couples were predomi-nantly White and middle-class. Regarding religious preference,the majority were Protestant (n 5 16, 53%); the remaining cou-ples were Catholic (n 5 7, 23%), other (n 5 3, 10%), or indi-cated no religious affiliation (n 5 4, 14%). Most of these adultchildren (93%) lived within driving distance of their parents andparents-in-law. They also reported that their parents saw thegrandchildren a little over once a month and that they were hap-py with this frequency of contact (see Table 1). Finally, theseadult children, on average, reported that they got along ‘‘fairlywell’’ with their parents and their in-laws.

Data Collection Procedures

The investigation included three steps: an open-ended cou-ple discussion, a postdiscussion questionnaire designed to deter-mine how couples attempt to resolve intergenerational problemsin their marital relationship, and a postinterview questionnaire.In their own homes and following individual interviews witheach member of the couple, couples were asked by an inter-viewer to discuss for 10 minutes an unresolved issue in theirmarriage concerning one of their parents. They were free to

146 Family Relations

choose from a list of possible unresolved issues developed byconsidering the types of intergenerational problems identified inthe grandparenting literature that had the potential to create am-bivalence in marital relationships (Norris & Tindale, 1994; seeAppendix A), or to describe another that they had experienced.Some couples started talking about a number of issues but theyeventually decided on one; the interviewer then left the room,and the discussion was videotaped and later transcribed.

After the discussion, each spouse completed two question-naires. The first, completed immediately after their discussion,focused on how they felt they had resolved the problematic in-tergenerational issue. Spouses were asked how often they dis-cussed issues that dealt with intergenerational problems; howdifficult it was to remain calm during these discussions; whetherthey came close to a solution for the problem; how they resolvedintergenerational problems; and how they resolved problems ingeneral in their relationship (see Appendix A).

The second questionnaire, returned by mail after the inter-view, included a number of questions about relationships withboth parents and in-laws, such as ‘‘How often does the maternalgrandmother see the grandchild?’’ (1 5 never to 7 5 daily),‘‘How happy are you with the amount of time your child spendswith the maternal grandfather?’’ (1 5 see them much less to 55 see them much more), ‘‘In general, how well do you get alongwith the paternal grandmother?’’ (1 5 very badly to 7 5 per-fectly), and ‘‘How far away do you live from the paternal grand-father?’’ (1 5 same house to 3 5 # of hours away).

Analysis

Researchers acknowledge that qualitative research is neededto investigate the complexities of intergenerational families (e.g.,Luescher & Pillemer, 1998; Mancini & Blieszner, 1989). Clarkeet al. (1999) also noted that qualitative research is especiallyappropriate for investigating intergenerational conflict. Thus, apredominantly qualitative approach was adopted here in order tohear the unique stories of each couple and to be able to analyzethe stories for recurrent themes. Additional information about thenature of couples’ relationships with their parents was obtainedthrough the postinterview questionnaire. As Glaser and Strauss(1967) noted, qualitative and quantitative approaches are usefulin providing different forms of data on the same participant toverify findings.

A modified open-coding approach (Strauss & Corbin, 1998)was used to identify recurrent themes from transcriptions of thevideotaped couple discussions. Transcripts were read by the firstauthor to identify types of intergenerational problems selectedby couples for discussion. These problem types were analyzedfor higher-order themes, as well as for the methods that couplesused to manage unresolved intergenerational issues. As a resultof this analysis, nine types of problems were identified, produc-ing five higher-order themes and four methods of management.Eight of the transcripts were randomly selected and read by an-other rater to assess the trustworthiness of the results (Lincoln& Guba, 1985). The two raters made written memos and thenmet to discuss the findings that emerged from the transcripts;they were in complete agreement about all of the problem types,higher-order themes, and methods of management.

Results

What Types of Unresolved Marital Issues doCouples Discuss That Are Linked toIntergenerational Problems?

Unresolved marital issues related to intergenerational prob-lems included: how to handle holidays, celebrations, and visits(n 5 11); grandparents disciplining or caring for grandchildren(n 5 6); accepting money from parents (n 5 3); having a parentcome to live with you (n 5 3); grandparents spoiling grand-children (n 5 2); how to confront parents (n 5 2); whether tointervene about parents’ health (n 5 1); grandparents teasinggrandchildren (n 5 1), and accepting advice from parents (n 51).

The postdiscussion questionnaire indicated that couples typ-ically talked about unresolved issues involving intergenerationalproblems less than once a month. The participants indicated thatthey can talk about these types of issues fairly calmly; the meanscore for husbands was 5.87 (SD 5 1.46) and for wives was6.00 (SD 5 1.36). The results from the postdiscussion question-naire also showed that couples felt that they had progressed infinding a solution to the issue that they discussed; mean scorefor husbands was 5.03 (SD 5 1.69) and for wives 6.00 (SD 51.58). Both husbands and wives indicated that they were satisfiedwith how they resolved marriage-related problems (m 5 5.53 formen; m 5 5.53 for women), and intergenerational problems (m5 5.27 for men; m 5 5.33) within their relationship. T testsdemonstrated no significant gender differences between hus-bands and wives on any of these questions.

How Does the Gender of an Adult Child and Thatof Their Parent Influence What Types of IssuesCouples Discuss?

The wives in this study were more concerned overall aboutproblems in their marital relationship related to intergenerationalproblems (n 5 21) than were their husbands (n 5 13) (see Table1). Issues in which the husbands showed frequent interest wereinstrumental support, receiving money from parents, parentscoming to live with you, or parents disciplining grandchildren.For wives, concerns were about family events—particularly howthey were going to handle visits and celebrations with their par-ents.

The couples were asked to discuss an unresolved maritalissue related to an intergenerational problem with one parent.However, many of the couples decided to talk about an issuethat involved both sets of parents (n 5 5), both maternal parents(n 5 3), or both paternal parents (n 5 6). Ten of the 13 issuesthat the husbands noted involved their in-laws, and the other 3issues involved both sets of parents. There were no issues thatthe husbands noted or wanted to talk about that involved onlyhis parents, whereas wives were concerned about issues withboth her parents and her in-laws. Overall, both husbands andwives were more likely to discuss in-law problems than to dis-cuss problems with their own parents.

As Table 1 indicates, only seven couples decided to talkdirectly to their parents about an unresolved issue that was cre-ating problems in their marital relationship. Of the 13 issues thathusbands were concerned about, only 1 husband thought it wasnecessary to directly talk to a parent; 4 husbands wanted to avoidthe issue, 2 husbands wanted to handle it indirectly, and 6 want-

2003, Vol. 52, No. 2 147

ed to discuss it within their relationship. The lone husband whowanted to directly talk to a father-in-law about teasing actuallyasked his wife to talk to her father. In contrast, 6 of the 21 wivespreferred to discuss their problem directly with the parent, andonly 1 agreed with her partner to avoid any discussion, whereas12 wanted to discuss the issue within their relationship.

How do Adult Children Attempt to ManageUnresolved Issues That Are Associated WithIntergenerational Problems in Their MaritalRelationship?

Couples used a variety of methods to manage unresolvedissues within their relationship, and with their relationship withtheir parents. Some couples talked about a number of methodsduring their discussion, but eventually decided on one (see Table1). These methods reflect four categories: discuss it within themarital relationship, directly talk to parents, indirectly talk withparents, and avoid it.

Discuss within relationship. Fifteen couples reasoned that itwas sufficient to discuss the unresolved issue between them-selves and did not consider discussing it with the parents. Manyof these discussions had a future orientation: whether a parentwould come to live with them in the future, borrowing moneyin the future, and an adult child changing his or her feelingsabout a parent in the future. For example, Christine and Jasondiscussed how they want grandparents to discipline their child.

Christine: So, it’s agreed that grandparents should use time-outs, and if it becomes a bigger issue than that, then thereis probably a problem with the child, and there is somethingwe should do at home.

Jason: I agree with that. I don’t think grandparents shouldspank grandchildren.

Directly talk to parents. Seven of the couples planned totalk to their parents about an unresolved issue that was creatingtension within their relationship and within their relationshipwith parents. The following conversation between Barry andWendy is an example:

Barry: Well, Grandpa doesn’t know how to interact with himany other way either. So we almost have to teach Grandpahow to interact with kids.

Wendy: And ah, we have tried that a little bit . . . maybe wehave to be a little more conscious. I noticed the other day Ijust sort of handed Tyler to Dad and said to hold him for aminute sort of thing.

Barry: Maybe we should mention it to Grandma Judy thentoo.

Wendy: Yeah, mention it to her.

Indirect confrontation. Some couples indicated that theywould resolve conflict with parents indirectly. This was accom-plished in two ways: (a) explaining their position to the parentsprior to an anticipated problem, and (b) explaining to their childthat the grandparent’s behavior was not acceptable.

Before telling parents that they were not coming to theirhouse for Christmas with the entire extended family, Philip andCarolynn informed them that they were celebrating Christmas attheir own house, and they asked if their parents wanted to attend.

Therefore, the parents had to make the decision about whetherto attend.

Philip: We are getting close to Christmas right now. I’d liketo ask you a question. Do you think we are getting better athandling the grandparents over the holidays? Because thesame things have always kept coming up right from thebeginning.

Carolynn: Last year we started having Christmas at ourhouse, instead of having to go to one of the grandparents’on Christmas Day. Inviting the grandparents over to havedinner with us and I don’t know if they’ll come this year.

Rather than talking to their parents, Scott and Christine saidthat they resolve the issue by talking with their child about howgrandma spoils her and that she should not accept all of grand-ma’s candy.

Christine: What we could do is to explain to Amber not todo that, that it is not her place to go in the pantry. It wouldprobably be better because then Amber would realize thatshe doesn’t do that anywhere else, why would she do itthere. We should tell her that it is not really proper for herto be asking for food. Maybe we should talk to Amber ratherthan mom. And see what Amber says about it. And see ifwe can solve it that way.

Scott: Right.

Avoid it. Four couples chose to deal with their unresolvedissues in their marital relationship with parents by avoiding theissue. They decided on this approach for some of the followingreasons: it was not worth the effort; the fear about damaging therelationship with their parent; did not like confrontation; rely onthe support of parents to ‘‘survive’’; do not want to hurt theirparent’s feelings; and do not want to seem ungrateful for theirparents’ help in other areas. Ryan and Betsy chose to avoid theissue with their parents, hoping that the issue would disappearas time passed.

Ryan: So we feel there is an issue of spoiling, probably moreso with Betsy’s mom and dad, as Sheila is their only grand-child. Sheila gets more presents from her grandparents thanshe gets from us. . . . Bigger stuff and better stuff; I don’tknow how we should deal with it. I guess we have prettymuch just gone with it; you don’t want to shoot a gift horsein the mouth.

Betsy: Yeah, and she is their only grandchild.

How Does the Conceptual Framework ofIntergenerational Ambivalence Explain Themes ofUnresolved Marital Issues Associated WithIntergenerational Problems?

The following five higher order themes emerged from ex-amining the types of problems that led to unresolved issues forcouples: (a) balancing nuclear versus extended family time, (b)changing rules and roles, (c) pleasing parents versus spouse, (d)struggling with power, and (e) fearing future obligations. Thesethemes are summarized below, followed by illustrative quotes,and accompanied by interpretations that link them to the inter-generational ambivalence framework.

Balancing nuclear versus extended family time. Unresolvedissues about balancing nuclear and extended family time created

148 Family Relations

stress in adult children’s marital relationships. Some participantsindicated that they were not satisfied with how they balancedtime with their nuclear family and with their parents. For ex-ample Dave and Molly disagreed about coordinating family timewith parent visits and holidays.

Dave: Yeah, at Christmas they’re a good five and a halfhours apart. . . We try to keep everybody happy, includingourselves happy. And also there’s the issue . . . one of the,one of the sets of parents is at a ski resort. So there’s some—I would like to go there.

Molly: But at Christmas time, I don’t think that skiing isthat important. I think it’s also important just to be withfamily and we should go up to my family for . . . the sameamount of time and I don’t like being in a crowded 3-bed-room condo with 10, 11 people, 4 dogs, 4 children, it’s justtoo stressful for me. I know you would like to be there fora week and I would like to be there for a day. So we needto come to a compromise.

Dave: Except that you’re the only person who doesn’t likeit so it’s tough for me to deal with that, when everyone elseenjoys a continual party, including our kids.

Molly: You are right, except for me. So we will go therefor 3 or 4 nights, and try to keep the peace, and then wewill go to my parents for 2 nights.

Dave wanted to spend a week with his family skiing, where-as Molly wanted to be there for only a day. Consistent with theconcept of intergenerational ambivalence, Molly experiencedcontradictory feelings. On the one hand, she did not want tospend more than a day with her in-laws; on the other hand, herhusband and her children enjoy spending time with Dave’s fam-ily.

Changing rules and roles. Adult children and their parentsoften establish rules or norms for exchanging support with oneanother. Couples discussed how rules sometimes changed and,as a result, produced role changes. They felt that they no longerknew what was expected of them in order to receive help fromparents. An example came from the discussion between Steveand Susan. Steve suggested that he and Susan received help fromher mother only if they behaved in a certain manner. There wassome tension in their marital relationship, because Steve thoughtthis was a problem and Susan did not think that of it that way.

Susan: Well, explain what my mother has to do with it!

Steve: When we moved in there was a lot of assistance with,a lot of grocery bills, and since we’ve moved back and forth,there hasn’t been any support. . . I can live with this, it’s justa change but I wonder why there isn’t any assistance of-fered. Is it something that we’ve done, something that we’vesaid, or . . . to make this change? Did we not agree withsome of the stuff that she purchased? For some reason shewants to purchase different things than we do and thereforeshe doesn’t buy things for the three of us now.

Susan: So you have been wondering why? . . . . Well, Idon’t. She’s lived miles and miles away over the years.

Steve: Well maybe the issue is, not the assistance as muchas, Why did it stop? Is there something we’ve done to offendher?

Susan: There’s nothing I know of. . . . Is it worth it? Is it

that significant that we’re too upset about it? Then what’swrong is that we are in a predicament here. We are havingtrouble financially and nobody has talked to her about it.

Steve wondered if assistance from his mother-in-law hadchanged because they were no longer agreeing with his mother-in-law’s purchases. Consistent with the concept of intergenera-tional ambivalence, Susan experienced two contradictory feel-ings. On the one hand, she felt that this issue was not an ade-quately significant issue to address with her mother; on the otherhand, her husband was upset about it and her family neededfinancial assistance. Therefore, she considered approaching hermother.

Pleasing parents versus spouse. Some participants seemedcaught between respecting the desires of their spouse and re-specting the desires of their parents. As an example, Mike andStacey accused each other of giving into the needs of each oftheir parents, rather than to each other.

Mike: Well I still don’t think that it is going to be betterbecause you are working every second year. It is still goingto mix it up some how in some way.

Stacey: Not if they’re opposite. If every other year, like yourparents did Christmas Day last year.

Mike: But how do we get them to switch at this point? It’sa domino effect. It involves Dave’s family and Sue’s family.

Stacey: So next year we could spend, or this year comingup, we could spend Christmas Day with them again.

Mike: How about we spend it with our family (nuclear fam-ily)?

Stacey: Yeah, that’s the way you talk, but when it comesright down to the crunch and your Dad phones, then yougive in.

Mike: Well, last year I thought it would have been nice.

Stacey: Well, what is wrong with next year?

Mike: Well, your Mom has to understand, too. She had youfor all those years that we didn’t see my parents at all andnow she expects it every year.

Stacey felt Mike was unable to commit to spending timewith their nuclear family because he would give into the desiresof his father. Mike felt that Stacey needed to acknowledge thatthey could not always do what Stacey’s mom wanted. Consistentwith the concept of intergenerational ambivalence, some partic-ipants had internal contradictions about what to do because theycould not please both their spouse and their parent simultaneous-ly. Couples caught between the desires of their spouse and theirparents may feel disloyal if forced to choose between two familymembers they love.

Struggling with power. Some participants talked about howone grandparent and one adult child were involved in a powerstruggle. For example, in the following conversation, David andHeather discussed how an adult child is to respect a parent.

Heather: I think you should spend more time when we arewith your parents.

David: Yes, I know, but it’s my dad.

Heather: Well, you should just curb your feelings towardsyour father.

2003, Vol. 52, No. 2 149

David: I do more though.

Heather: Well, you do, but not when he does something likethat movie thing 2 years ago when we wanted to watch‘‘Free Willy,’’ and you got up and left.

David: Yes, well, he didn’t listen to me; it was all his wayor nothing.

Heather: No, it wasn’t.

David: Yes, he says ‘‘we want to watch this’’ and I saidwell, ‘‘I don’t like this movie,’’ but that didn’t matter. . . .He does not budge on things. I tried but it doesn’t help, itdoesn’t work. . . . I know that it is right to do this when weare at his house, but we are both stubborn and pigheaded. Iknow that you are right, but the issue is never going tochange.

This conversation reveals how some couples argued aboutwho was going to make family decisions during extended familygatherings. Heather felt that David needed to allow his father todecide what the family was going to watch on TV. Consistentwith the concept of intergenerational ambivalence, David wastorn between satisfying his own needs and doing what he be-lieved was right in his parent’s home.

Fearing future obligations. Some participants were unwill-ing to receive help from particular parents because they wereafraid that they would be obligated in the future. This led totension between couples, as one spouse believed that there werestrings attached to such assistance, whereas the other spouse didnot. In the following conversation, Sharon and Patrick arguedabout receiving money from Patrick’s mother.

Patrick: Why not ask our parents for money now? Becausewe are kind of stuck and we want to buy that house. . . . Weeither owe our parents or the bank.

Sharon: I would rather owe the bank.

Patrick: Why?

Sharon: I guess it’s about having that leaning over yourhead, that you always are in debt to your parents. . . . But,if we got really stuck, where we needed the money, wecould ask our parents.

Patrick: Well, what about my mom?

Sharon: I would never borrow money from your mom.

Patrick: Why?

Sharon: Why would I never borrow money from your mom?Because she would make sure that we never forgot it.

Patrick felt that there were no future obligations to borrow-ing money from his mother; yet, Sharon implied the opposite.Thus, consonant with the concept of intergenerational ambiva-lence, some participants reported that they did not want to re-ceive assistance from parents because it could be used to controlthe nature of the relationship in the future.

Discussion

This study explored how interactions between generationsmay lead to unresolved issues within marital relationships. Find-ings were that adult children are involved with their parents,seeing them about once a month. The frequency of this involve-

ment may lead to changing roles and boundaries, and subse-quently, feelings of intergenerational ambivalence. For example,when intergenerational families meet for holidays, adult childrenmay discipline their children differently than their parents do.This may be especially stressful for new parents with a firstchild, as the transition to parenthood and grandparenthood intro-duces new rules and roles into the family system (Boss, 2001),which may lead to intergenerational ambivalence (Luescher &Pillemer, 1998). These couples also indicated that they talkedabout unresolved issues in their marital relationship regardingintergenerational problems relatively infrequently, supporting theuse of the term ‘‘unresolved issue’’ rather than the term ‘‘con-flict’’ to refer to such disagreements.

The unresolved issue that created the most difficulty for 11of the 30 couples was handling holidays and celebrations. Per-haps this is not surprising because extended family gatheringsmay provide the greatest potential for family stress. As morefamily members get together, there is a greater need to renego-tiate family roles and boundaries and more effort required toprepare for multiple family members in the home. The commentby Molly is a good example of the complexity of family rolesand boundaries during a Christmas holiday: ‘‘I don’t like beingin a crowded 3-bedroom condo with 10, 11 people, 4 dogs, 4children, it’s just too stressful for me.’’ Consistent with previousresearch (Hagestad, 1987b; Lehr, 1984), it was the wives whowere the most concerned about how to handle family matters,like holidays and visits.

This study also examined how the intergenerational ambiv-alence framework can be used to explain themes of unresolvedmarital issues associated with intergenerational problems. Thefive higher-order themes related to intergenerational problemsemerged (balancing nuclear versus extended family time, chang-ing rules and role changes, pleasing parents versus spouse, strug-gling with power, and fearing future obligations) are somewhatdifferent from the conflict types identified by Clarke and col-leagues (1999). The differences are likely attributable to our fo-cus on unresolved marital issues associated with intergeneration-al problems and not on unresolved issues between two genera-tions. Our coding scheme also reflected the concept of intergen-erational ambivalence—that family relationships are filled withboth positive and negative thoughts and feelings. Thus, thethemes here mainly address relationship processes, whereasClarke and colleagues primarily concentrated on types of con-flict. For example, people could internally struggle with powerissues (our relationship process theme) over habits and lifestylechoices (their topical theme).

The higher order themes that emerged provide evidence thatchanging roles and boundaries are part of intergenerational re-lationships. As parents of adult children move in and out of thefamily system, family roles and expectations are continuallychanging. The themes demonstrate that changing roles andboundaries can lead to experiences of intergenerational ambiv-alence—both positive and negative feelings about being involvedwith extended family members. Much like previous research(Luescher & Pillemer 1998; Thompson & Holmes, 1996), theresults here confirmed that marital relationships involve ambiv-alence that is related to intergenerational problems. These adultchildren were unsure about how to be involved with their parents(e.g., the cost of receiving money from parents). Clearly, forsome couples, the internal motivation for maintaining ties withparents is complex and often unexplainable.

This study also examined how couples attempt to manage

150 Family Relations

unresolved issues in their marital relationship linked to intergen-erational problems, and four ways were identified. Only 7 of the30 couples made a plan to directly talk to their parents aboutthese issues. This finding suggests that overt communicationabout unresolved issues between generations may be infrequent.Of the 13 issues that the husbands were concerned about, onlyone made a plan to directly talk to a parent about the issue. Thus,males in this study simply did not feel compelled to be involvedin discussing issues that were creating problems in their mar-riages with their parents. Males also were likely to avoid plan-ning how to handle the situation at all compared to wives. Thispattern of gender differences is similar to findings from previouscouple research that wives generally are more active in dealingwith relationship issues than are husbands (Gottman, 1994,1999). Overall, however, the issues identified by many couplesin this study as unresolved may not be adequately important todiscuss with their parents, and, therefore, they primarily attemptto manage these issues within their own marital relationships.

A limitation of this study is that only adult children wereinterviewed about unresolved issues in the marriage related tointergenerational problems. Future research with multiple gen-erations may identify both different unresolved marital issuesand other methods for managing these types of issues. For ex-ample, older parents may believe that there are different inter-generational problems creating stress in their adult children’smarital relationship. A second limitation is that this study fo-cused on unresolved issues identified from an open-ended couplediscussion with a fairly homogenous sample. More in-depth re-search with a more diverse population is needed to study howadult children and their parents successfully communicate aboutproblems that create stress in marital and intergenerational re-lationships. A third limitation is the high attrition rate of thesample. The couples who remained in the study after 5 yearsmay be couples who are relatively high functioning and havefewer unresolved marital issues with their parents. Thus, suchproblems may be more typical than observed here. A final lim-itation is that couples may not have ‘‘truly’’ had an unresolvedmarital issue related to an intergenerational problem; yet, as partof the research protocol, they were asked to discuss one.

Implications

This study shows that, because of the involvement betweenadult children and their parents, there is the potential for in-creased family stress, especially around the holidays and familycelebrations. Moreover, with people living longer and increasingcontact between generations, unresolved issues are inevitable inmarital and intergenerational relationships (Putney & Bengtson,2001). The question, then, is not how to eliminate unresolvedissues, but how to effectively manage these issues. This studydemonstrated that couples do not frequently discuss unresolvedmarital issues associated with intergenerational problems, typi-cally discussing these issues only about once a month. For somecouples, it is okay to let unresolved marital issues regarding in-tergenerational problems go unresolved, if the issue is not cur-rently impacting their relationship. For couples who let unre-solved marital issues associated with intergenerational problemsresonate within their relationship, there is the potential for theissue to become detrimental to their relationship. Given this, wesuggest that premarital educators, parent educators, family lifeeducators, and therapists be prepared to address unresolved mar-ital issues related to intergenerational problems. We offer the

following suggestions to guide family life professionals in ad-dressing these issues.

Because the couples identified certain issues (e.g., how tohandle holidays and celebrations, grandparents disciplininggrandchildren, accepting money from parents), a worksheetcould be devised to help couples identify potential unresolvedissues in their marital relationships around such topics (see Ap-pendix B). Clearly, special attention might be given to how cou-ples handle holidays and family celebrations, because nearly40% of the couples identified this issue. Likely these are timeswhen family contact is at its most organized and most intense.

There are often two levels of communication between fam-ily members, a surface level and a deeper level (Emery, 1992).Surface-level communication about intergenerational problemsincludes the issues listed above. Deeper-level communication in-cludes underlying issues. The underlying issues here were re-flected in the themes of balancing nuclear versus extended familytime, changing rules and role changes, pleasing parents versusspouse, struggling with power, and fearing future obligations.Disagreements reported by spouses seem to reflect surface is-sues, when, in fact, they reflect deeper underlying issues. Thus,these themes could act as a guide for family life professionalsto help couples develop communication strategies to identify theunderlying issues in their marital relationships that are associatedwith intergenerational problems.

The couples here typically did not talk directly to their par-ents about intergenerational problems creating stress in theirmarital relationships. Thus, family life professionals should beprepared to help couples learn how to communicate openly anddirectly with their parents, because some couples indicated thatthey were unsure about how to do so. Also, adult children mayneed to learn multiple ways to communicate with parents, be-cause their relationships with each parent can vary. As such,family life professionals can offer seminars and workshops formultiple generations, in which adult children, parents, and grand-children can learn to communicate openly with one another. Suchseminars would need to include discussions about gender thataddress how male and female adult children are involved in in-tergenerational relationships, how men take responsibility formaintaining ties with their parents, how the gender of the grand-parents influences adult children’s marital relationships, and howcouples relate differently to the maternal and paternal grandpar-ents. The seminars would also need to focus on special problemsthat couples may encounter in their marital relationships relatedto in-laws. Psycho-educational written materials could be pro-vided for participants to help them deal with the complexities ofintergenerational relationships.

In conclusion, unresolved issues over intergenerationalproblems may be unavoidable in marital relationships. Somecouples may need guidance from family life professionals withexpertise in the area of intergenerational relationships about howto manage issues associated with intergenerational problems intheir marital relationships and in relationships with their parents.

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Appendix A

Couple Discussion Issues

Below is a list of issues that can be difficult ones for couples. They all involve some aspect of your relationships with your children’s grandparents. Please pick anunresolved issue and spend about 10 minutes trying to make some progress in resolving it.Please spend no more than 2 minutes picking an issue—either from the list below or one of your own—so that you can use the rest of the time for your discussion.1. How we handle holidays and family celebrations with each of our parents.2. How we handle situations where we feel grandparents are ‘‘spoiling’’ the children.3. Whether we would ever consider living with our parents (or inviting them to live with us).4. Whether to intervene if our parents are putting either themselves or others at risk (for instance, if they are not taking medication they need, or are no longer

driving safely).5. How much time we should each spend visiting our parents or talking to them on the telephone.6. How our parents should discipline our children if they are baby-sitting for us.7. How much advice, and what kind of advice we will accept from parents (or give to them).8. Whether it’s O.K. to ask our parents for money (or to lend money to them).9. One of your own issues involving your parents or parents-in-law.

Post-Discussion QuestionnaireThanks so much for participating in this discussion for us. We’re interested in how you feel about discussing, as a couple, the issue you discussed and also otherproblems related to your parents and your parents-in-law.1. How often have you and your spouse discussed this issue?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7Never Less than

monthlyOnce amonth

Few timesa month

Weekly Few timesa week

Daily

2. How difficult is it for you to discuss this concern calmly with your spouse?1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Impossible Moderatelydifficult

Very calmly

3. How close do you think you are as a couple to finding a solution to the issue you discussed?1 2 3 4 5 6 7

We’ll neverfind a solution

We’re part waythere but still need

to work on it

We’ve got itcompletelyworked out

4. How do you feel about your ability to solve grandparent-related problems in your marriage?1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Not at allsatisfied

Neithersatisfied nordissatisfied

Completelysatisfied

5. In general, how do you feel about your ability to solve problems in your marriage?1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Not at allsatisfied

Neithersatisfied

nor dissatisfied

Completely

2003, Vol. 52, No. 2 153

Appendix B

Evaluating Unresolved Issues in Marital Relationships Associated with Intergenerational Problems

Directions:Fill this worksheet out as a couple. Think about each question in relation to both maternal and paternal parents.Put a plus sign (‘‘1’’) in the left column if you think as a couple you are already strong in this area and it does not need to be addressed.Put a minus sign (‘‘2’’) if you think as a couple this area could be addressed.Put two minuses (‘‘22’’) if you think as a couple this area needs to be addressed.Put at ‘‘NO’’ if this area is not important to both of you or you don’t want to work on it.

Intergenerational Issues with Maternal Parents1. We do a good job of handling holidays and celebrations with our parents.2. We are happy with the amount of contact we have with our parents3. We both take equal responsibility for initiating contact with our parents.4. We do a good job of handling visits with parents.5. We explain to our parents how we want them to discipline our children.6. Our parents do a good job of caring for and disciplining our children.7. It creates problems in our marital relationship when our parents spoil our children.8. We are content with how we have decided to handle issues that are related to intergenerational problems.9. We both agree about whether or not to receive money or other types of instrumental support from parents.

10. We would not have a problem if one of our parents came to live with us.11. We agree about how to handle a situation where one of our parents get sick and needs extra attention and care.12. We both feel fine about accepting advice from our parents.13. We feel that it is appropriate to directly talk to a parent if they have done something that bothers one of us.14. We believe that it is important for us to be involved in our parents’ lives.15. We believe that it is important for our children to be involved in our parents’ lives.

Intergenerational Issues with Paternal Parents1. We do a good job of handling holidays and celebrations with our parents.2. We are happy with the amount of contact we have with our parents.3. We both take equal responsibility for initiating contact with our parents.4. We do a good job of handling visits with parents.5. We explain to our parents how we want them to discipline our children.6. Our parents do a good job of caring for and disciplining our children.7. It creates problems in our marital relationship when our parents spoil our children.8. We are content with how we have decided to handle issues that are related to intergenerational problems.9. We both agree about whether or not to receive money or other types of instrumental support from parents.

10. We would not have a problem if one of our parents came to live with us.11. We agree about how to handle a situation where one of our parents get sick and needs extra attention and care.12. We both feel fine about accepting advice from our parents.13. We feel that it is appropriate to directly talk to a parent if they have done something that bothers one of us.14. We believe that it is important for us to be involved in our parents’ lives.15. We believe that it is important for our children to be involved in our parents’ lives.

From the list above or other issues, address 3 areas that need to be addressed.1.

2.

3.

Now take a few minutes to reflect about how you may resolve one of these issues. In the space below develop the first steps of an action plan.Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 3: