Too much talk

This is what it can look like• Mumistellingthree-year-oldBenwhyhecannotbitehisbaby

brother.Thisistheeighthtimeshehasexplainedthistohiminthe

pasttwodays.

• DadisremindinglittleSamanthawhyshemustnotgetoutofbed

anymore.Heisbeingverypatientbuthisvoiceisgettingtighter

andhiscolourischanging.Thisisthe13thtimehehasputherback

tobedinthelast20minutes.

• Mumisrefereeingafightagain.Sistersagedfourandfiveare

squabblingoverthedress-upsandwhogetstowearthepink

jewellery.Mumisexplainingtherulesagainbuthasalreadydecided

thattomorrowsheisgoingouttobuysomemorepinkjewellery!

• Dadisextremelycrosswiththree-year-oldBradwhohasthrownhis

dinneronthefloorandisinafull-blowntantrum.Hedoesnothear

hisDadrightnowbutDadneedstotellhimoff.Dadistellinghim

thatheissickandtiredofallthefussoverfoodandfromnowonhe

isn’tgettinganychoiceandifhedoesn’teatit–that’sfine.(Hesaid

allthatyesterday).

ReactionsSomethinginterestingtakesplaceinsidechildrenwhentheyareonthe

receivingendoftoomuchtalk.Sadly,itdoesn’thavethedesiredeffectof

gainingmorecooperation.Infact,itoftengoestheotherway.Children

subjectedtoalotoftalkwillexperiencearangeoffeelings.Theyvaryfrom:

Being boredTheyknowthereasonswhytheymustdosomethingbecausetheyhave

beenexplainedbefore.Theyarehearinginformationthattheyalreadyknow.

Getting resentfulTheirdignityisnotbeingleftintact.Everychildwantstofeelcapableof

rememberingandactingontheinformationtheyhavebeengiven.If

someonecontinuestoremindthemandre-explainthingsagainandagain,

theycanfeelresentfulatthelackoftrustandbeliefintheirabilities.

Feeling powerlessThemoreachildissubjectedtohearingusrambleon,thelessconfident

theyfeel.

Being outwardly angrySomechildrenfeelintenseangerandmayevenbeinspiredtofightyouback

bydoingthesamethingagainandagaintogetsomeoftheirpowerback.

Being inwardly angrySomechildrenrespondthisway.Yourwordscansweepoverachildand

iftheydonotknowhowtorespond–theymaywithdrawintotheirshell

andquietly,butstubbornly,resistyou.

When parents yabber, yabber, yabber… It’s so easy to do. It’s so hard to stop. Some of us are addicted to it. We want our child to do something or behave in a certain way, so we feel we must explain, reason with, explain again, negotiate, nag, lecture, remind, cajole, put another spin on it and say it again. Yes, many of us struggle in the ‘over talk’ department.

Parent ing Winter 09 71

Why do we do it?Ithinkweover-talktoourkidsbecause

wedon’tfeelconfidentinourposition

andwearetryingtoconvinceourselves,

morethanourchild.Thereisthesenseof,

“IfIsaythisoftenenough,Iwillbelieveit

andsowillmychild.”Webelievehearing

itoftenenoughwillshowourchildhow

importantitistodowhatwesay.And,toour

credit,wewanttogiveourchildrenafairchance.Thatmeansrepeating

theinstruction,rephrasingit,sayingitinaslightlydifferentwayincase

themessagewasmissed.Thatwaywefeelwearegivingourchildrenthe

verybestchanceofcooperating.

Someofustalkalotasawayofgainingtimewhilewedecidewhattodo

nextandsomeofusdoittocalmourselvesdown.

Over-talkisnotourbestparentingtoolandifwecanresistthe

temptationtodoit,wecangainawholelotmoreenjoymentand

cooperationfromourfamilies.

What to do instead of lecturing, reminding and fussingTaketheexampleofDadgoingoverthebedtimerulesagainwithSamantha.

AsgenerousasDadisbeingwithhistimeandpatience,theresultisthat

SamanthaisfeelinglessandlessconvincedthatDadknowswhatheisdoing.

Dad,youmaysayjustoncewhatthebedtimeruleis.“Samantha,goodnight,

honey.Sleeptight.Stayinbed.”Ifshegetsout–notalk,norulereminders,

• Wewantourchildrentodosomethingfortherightreasons,and

simplybecausewehaveaskedthemto.Spicingupeveryrequestto

getactionisexhaustingandultimatelyunsustainable.

• Useconsequencescalmly.Thesearedifferenttothreatsbecause

theyhavebeendiscussedpriortoachallenge.Yousimplyfollow

throughwithaconsequence–nofanfare,extrawarningsor

prompts.Actconfidentlyandcalmly.

• Inspireyourchildrentobehave:Insteadoftalkingonandonabout

whatyoudon’twantyourchildrentodo,usewordsthatinviteco-

operationandletthemknowyoubelieveinthem.

At a glance

andnoengagement.Don’tbeinteresting.Putherbacktobed.Keepcalm.

Keepquiet.Keeppleasant.Andkeepitupasmanytimesasnecessary.

Childrenrespondtoourconfidenceandcalm.Andtheylikeitwhenthey

knowthisisthedealandthereisnofussattachedtoit.Itkeepsitsimple,

fair,uncomplicatedandrespectful.Andweallliketobetreatedthisway.

Nexttimeyouareheadingdownthe‘toomuchtalk’track;stop,breathein

andallowyourselfafewwords,acalmdeliveryandasimpleconsequence.

Some of us talk as a way of gaining time to decide what to do next.

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