Film

FilmEdited by Matt Pomroy matt.pomroy@itp.com

Alternative Oscars

Funniest Film Of The Year Superbad. The Oscars don’t have thiscategory, which is a huge oversight. Butthen they did gave Marisa Tomei anaward, which was very funny, so whoknows what they’re really thinking?Superbad made us laugh more thananything else, but it was also warm, trueand didn’t have a lame patronisingmessage. This may be down to the factthat it was written by a pair of 14-year-old boys (a young Seth Rogen andEvan Goldberg), which just makesit all the more endearing and worthy. The Arnold SchwarzeneggerAward For Best Line AfterKilling Someone Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4.0.Bruce (aka John McClane) hasjust driven a car at highspeed, then jumped out at thelast second allowing the car togo up a vertical ramp and takeout the helicopter full of badguys that was hovering abovethem. ‘You just killed ahelicopter with a car!’ says thekid, and a dead pan Willisreplies, ‘I was out of bullets.’ Oh, you’re still the man. The Award For Re-establishing Faith In The Threequel The Bourne Ultimatum. Seriously,when was the last threequel beforethis that didn’t really suck? Yes,the ending was a bit of a cop out,but it was solid, believable actionfor 95 per cent of the time. And A Dead Arm ForQuashing Any FaithBuilt Up By TheBourne UltimatumIn The ThreequelAwardSaw III. Epitomised therise of torture pornand the mindlessviolence thatseemed to makeup nearly everyhorror in 2007.

Worst Sequence In Any Film,Perhaps Ever, But Certainly During 2007Peter Parker ‘turning bad’ in Spider-Man 3. Walk with a strut, get an emohaircut, give suggestive looks towomen, and dance like a drunken uncleat a wedding. The cringe factor hasrarely been so high, and while Sandman,Venom, Hobgoblin et al couldn’t killSpidey, this scene came very close.Director Sam Raimi, hang your head.The Jon Voight Award For Worst UseOf A Once-Promising Career Jon himself made a good run for thisaward with his appearance in theappalling Bratz, but it goes to CubaGooding Jr in Daddy Day Camp. He’s gotan Oscar for best supporting actor backhome on his mantelpiece, but afterhaving been an accomplice to the filmcrime that was Norbit, he went on tocomplete his ‘anus horribilis’ with twohours of poo, bum and fart gags in one ofthe worst films of the last decade. Forshame… His rehabilitation started later

in the year with AmericanGangster, but it will take a longtime to forget Daddy Day Camp. Most Ludicrous And DespicableLie In A Film Poster

Revolver. The Guy Ritchie‘thriller’ (without thrills) wascritically panned and rightlyso. But the poster said‘Brilliant! Guy Ritchie back

to his best!’ and credited TheSun newspaper. In actual fact,it was from a section of the SunOnline website that was

created by a PR agency on behalfof the film’s distributors. Thelesson is: never trust quotes onfilm posters. Biggest Overuse Of CGIIt was a tough category this year,but 300 was the clear winner. Thefilm was like watching someoneplay a hack-and-slash computergame where the developers had aSpeedo fetish and decided theleader of the Greek Spartansshould have a Scottish accent. The I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-

Better Award For MostDisappointing FilmSpider-Man 3. The mostexpensive film ever made,but should have paid justthat little bit more to get adecent screenwriter

instead of lettingdirector Sam Raimiand his brother makea mess of it. Best Film Made For

Under US$10mSicko. Michael Moore

investigates the American health caresystem, focusing on its for-profit healthinsurance and pharmaceutical industry.Sure, the grandstanding at Gitmo and in Cuba was a little contrived, but when he stuck to the basic facts it wastruly shocking. Most Contrived Plot DeviceHalle Berry and Bruce Willis in PerfectStranger. Four endings were filmed –we dread to think how bad the rejectedthree were – and the ‘twist’ was morelike a middle finger to the audiencewho’d sat through 90 minutes ofnonsense so far. Most Contrived And OverdoneProduct PlacementAll the Autobots in Transformers beingGeneral Motors vehicles. Really, if you’rea gang of robots travelling though spacein search of the power source for theentire galaxy, are you really going to doso in the form of a horrible Hummer H2?And the part where an Xbox and an iPodbecame robots just sealed it. Productplacement is going to be even bigger in2008, but this was a worrying portent ofthings to come. The Andie MacDowell ‘Is It Raining,I Hadn’t Noticed’ Award For TheWorst Dialogue In A Film.Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider. Yes, helooked the part and it started alright, butas it went on lines were delivered tocamera with all the poise of a hostagereading out the terrorists demands.Given how poor the script was we’lleventually forgive him, but Nic, read thescript before you sign on next time. Best Idea That Just Didn’t Work Grindhouse. Great idea and the faketrailers were brilliant fun, but it was toolong, which meant it was split into twoseparate films, killing much of theexperience. And then most people justdidn’t get the idea of a fake grindhouseb-movie and we even heard that peoplewere walking out of cinemas in Dubai

and complaining to staff because theythought the (intentionally weathered)film stock was too poor and a reel wasmissing from the film. Duh...The Special Achievement Award For Ranting Against A Truly DreadfulFilm And Putting Into Words WhatMany A Right-Thinking Person WasThinking.BBC film critic Mark Kermode’sbrilliant invective against the appallingPirates of the Caribbean: At World’sEnd. It’s on YouTube and is worth 10minutes out of your working day. And finally…The Film That Made The MostMoney Because That’s WhatAwards Ceremonies Are Really All About…Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’sEnd. Boring, witless, utter dross thatmade you wish the world really wouldend, but it raked in over US$958million.Only four films in the history of cinemamade more money, and one of those wasthe equally dreadful Pirates of theCaribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.

The official Academy Awards takesplace on Feb 24, and if there’s any justicethe Coen brothers will have to make someroom on their mantelpiece.

He ran out of bullets – Die Hard 4.0

At the end of this month the Oscars will take place in Los Angeles, with worthy films getting awards. But what about thecategories the Academy have ignored, including ones to shame cinematic wrongdoers? After all, they have an award for bestmake-up. Time Outrights that wrong. Words Matt Pomroy

Superbad – proof that 14-year-oldsshould write more films.

Heaven knows he’s miserable now

64 Time Out Abu Dhabi February 2008

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