Coach Heideman’s Pokémon addiction

discovered through LAN School

Real . Comfortable . News.

The Wrangler December 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Thirteen

News in Briefs Morgan Freeman hired to

narrate daily examen

Mr. Cullen returning to

Brophy after rugby lockout

Argentina exchange stu-

dents to stay for duration

of soccer season

Skyrim introduction direct-

ly related to school-wide

drop in GPA

Jason Evert author of no

books according to new

"book" definition

After fashion show, Father

Reese inspired to restart

male-modeling career

Quidditch now intramural

sport after well-received

Potter musical

Danceforth causes Black-

box to hit maximum capac-

ity with “handclaps” and

“swagger”

Printed on recycled Roundups

JUN

!@R

Z$ Edition

By Austin Tymins ’13 and Griffen Tymins ’14

Movember leads to awful student facial hair By Chase Stevens ’12

By Sean Cahill ’12

During the month of November, a new record

was set for the number of students at Brophy

College Preparatory who had disgusting facial

hair. The charity drive “Movember” (also known

as No Girl November) caused the abundance of

peach fuzz on campus. While Movember did

raise nearly $6,000 for prostate cancer research,

some worry that the ends did not justify the

means.

“We did raise money for charity, and that’s

good,” said Gerrard Brown ’13. “I’m just not

so sure that it was worth the month of nauseat-

ing moustaches around campus.”

Connor Smith ’12 was one of the few students

who decided to try and grow out a beard instead

of a ‘stache.

“Yeah, I had a sick neck beard going on,” Smith

said. “Then my friends told me that there was

no such thing as a ‘sick neck beard’. That’s

when I decided to shave.”

A few underclassmen signed up, like Joe Wil-

liams ’15, a freshman, who attempted to grow

a moustache during the month of November.

“Oh, dude, my moustache was so good. I had at

least three dark hairs! My mom said I could

pass as Tom Selleck,” Williams said.

Mr. John Buchanan, who has a moustache

regardless of the month, showed pity on the

young ’stache growers.

“See, they don’t know the secret of growing a

manly moustache,” Buchanan said. “First off,

you have to groom it every day. An unkempt

moustache is a bad moustache.”

“Finally, you have to go out into the wilderness

and wrestle four bears. Once you have defeated

them in hand to hand combat, you yell ‘I VAN-

QUISH MY FOES FOR THE GREATER GLO-

RY OF THE SUN GOD!’ At least, that’s what I

did to grow my moustache.”

Above: A little hair can say a lot about a man.

Chase Stevens ’12 sporting a modified fu-man-chu

Dean Higgins gave out his first ICU for a

faculty member last week with the help of

LAN school, a computer monitoring pro-

gram mandatory for all students next year.

Coach Heideman was finally caught play-

ing Pokémon White Version during Health

class after many unsubstantiated reports.

This comes as no surprise to freshmen in

that class, who had previously thought they

were in a gaming study hall. “Every day we

just play N game all period. I had no idea

health was an actual class,” said Kevin

Johnson ’15.

As punishment, Brophy administration is

requiring Coach Heideman to spend his

free periods in K13 listening to painful

heavy metal music.

“I just downloaded some sick Black Sabbath

albums. Hopefully Coach will enjoy his

punishment as much as I will!” said Mr.

Pettit.

Coach Heideman was not nearly as excit-

ed as Mr. Pettit. “It’s such a shame they

found me now, just when my Charmeleon

was at level 35. He was only one level away

from evolving into Charizard. I was start-

ing to think that I had a legitimate chance

at the Elite 4 tournament, but then the

Brophy administration ruined my Poké-

dreams.”

Student reaction was swift. “He stopped

playing Pandora during class and started

playing some new tunes that were terrible

and repetitive.” said Boston Kimmons

’13. “Turns out it was just that annoying

Pokémon soundtrack that everyone hates.

Well, everyone except Herman Cain”.

Coach believed that LAN school stood for

“Live Action-gaming Network” and thought

he could share his progress online with

friends. Dean Higgins didn’t seem as in-

terested in following his game progress.

Administration is requiring him to attend

gaming addiction counseling sessions

with Mrs. Parise. “I’ve seen gaming addic-

tions of all kinds, but this addiction appears to

be nearly unbreakable. Every time I ask him

to stop playing Pokémon, he tells me to do 25.”

Of course, Heideman’s favorite pokémon is

Machamp, known for his large muscles and

strength against leaf pokémon.

Above: a cartoon found in Heideman’s

personal OneNote diary

Freshmanitis: The Overlooked Disease

At an emergency meeting, The Future Physi-

cians Club released news of a rare strain of dis-

ease that has been infecting the Brophy stu-

dents aged fourteen to fifteen. The disease has

been dubbed Freshmanitis. Somewhat similar

to Senioritis, the disease shows symptoms such

as lack of attention in class and underestimat-

ing difficulty of assignments but that is where

the similarities end.

Freshmanitis not only infects the student, but it

also infects the student’s Tablet PC, corrupting

both to the very core. A recent survey by the

FPC yielded troubling results.

After being asked what it was like to come down

with such an ailment, a freshman by the name

of Al Waysbee Gamun ’15 said, “Sometimes,

I’ll be in class, being 100% on task as usual, and

then in the middle of working on my Biology lab

write-up, suddenly N Game will just pop up out

of nowhere, completely against my will!”

Another student named Vance D. Plase-

ment ’15 said, “I don’t get why everybody is

making Brophy homework sound like a big

deal. I mean, come on, I got all A’s and B’s in

8th grade! I’m way too smart for everything!”

Other symptoms of Freshmanitis include a

desire to spend all free time in the halls of

Piper or in the SAC. Infected Freshmen are

attracted to the smell of ping pong, and often

race to claim their space in line to play.

Opinions from upperclassmen seem to be

unanimous: Freshmanitis is making our new

Brophy brothers way too pretentious and

entitled. However, most students don’t feel

worried about it spreading over time, due to

the disease’s extreme weakness to other

sicknesses that will come later in their Bro-

phy career, such as “Tablet Remorse,” “Post

Weight Training Depression,” and “Senior

Synth Guilt.”

Student body up in arms over Bill Gates presentation

By Peter Scobas ’12

Earlier this week, Microsoft Presi-

dent Bill Gates talked to Brophy stu-

dents and faculty about technology

from a Windows perspective, as re-

ported by Wrangler correspondent

Mack N. Tosh ’13. It wasn’t so much

the speech that caused all the contro-

versy. After the talk, Mr. Gates hand-

ed out pamphlets giving his take on

technology, specifically from a Win-

dows perspective.

In the pamphlets he discussed how

Apple computers had half the life-

expectancy of normal Windows com-

puters, and they were also 70% more

likely to get a virus. In the little book-

lets, titled “Pure Microsoft,” he gave

his viewpoint describing how Apple

computers can be changed to run

Windows programs. One such compa-

ny that helps to “fix” these computers

is called Exodus International, a sub-

section of the Geek Squad.

Xavier also had Bill Gates speak;

however, the response was much dif-

ferent. As one Xavier sophomore not-

ed, “I heard Xavier is throwing out all

the Apple computers and replacing

them with Windows,” and she went

on to say how “annoyed” and

“offended” she was over the Bill

Gates controversy at Brophy.

Brophy students are continuing to

say that the actual speech by Bill

Gates was not the issue. “I was al-

most in tears when Mr. Gates talked

about his own computer,” remarked

one Brophy junior, “He said how his

own computer was originally an IBM

computer, but he fixed it up and put

Windows 95 in it, and to him it was

basically good as new.” On a related

note, there was no reaction to Mr.

Gates’ discussion about the inferiori-

ty of the iPod in relation to the Zune,

other than a slight chuckle from the

crowd.

Written from my iPhone

Poll: Are you going to the Christmas Dance?

47% No.

20% Is Ramsey going? (yes)

Then I’m not going.

33% Xavier dance?

By Alexander Khan ’13

The Fl ip Side

Editors

Austin Tymins ’13

Steven Soto ’13

Sub-Editors

Peter Scobas ’12

Jack Welty ’12

Rohan Andreson ’12

Sean Cahill ’12

Kyle Padden ’12

Henry Miller ’12

Capital of Azerbaijan

Baku

Moderators

Mr. John Damaso ’97

Mr. Steve Smith ’96

The Wrangler is seeking student

writers and contributors. Inter-

ested? Email:

Wrangler@brophybroncos.org

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

By Charlie Sturr ‘13

Following the recent police brutality with pepper spray, much of the country was out-

raged. They watched as the “innocent” protesters were given a healthy shower of pepper

spray. In the midst of controversy, Mr. John Buchanan immediately saw an opportuni-

ty. Drawing inspiration from the officers, he ordered fifty cases of the fiery concoction.

“The campus has never looked better,” said Dean Higgins, “Students who had become

accustomed to skirting the rules quickly found out why pepper spray is such a popular

choice when dealing with unruly rioters.”

Ever since this policy came into effect, tardies have decreased by fifty percent, and litter-

ing JUGs have almost disappeared. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, re-

cently experienced the fiery wrath when he brought grapes in his lunch bag, and acci-

dentally dropped one on the ground. “It was everywhere” he said, “I still have nightmares

about the burning. I’ll never eat a grape again.”

The biggest change was seen in the line for food. Hundreds of underclassmen each day

thought they could sneak by Mr. B and get into the senior line, but they were in for a rude

awakening. This is a small price to pay for order. One step at a time, Brophy is cracking

down on seemingly harmless offences.

Word to the Wise “Chased”

Early Wednesday morning, five members of the infamous upper lip cartel were captured

during an administration raid according to Wrangler correspondents. Along with the

capture of the cartel members, tens of mustaches, with a street value of upwards of 16.7

million dollars, were seized by the Higgins Administration.

In early November, the administration was tipped off by a student who prefers to go by

the name “Deep Larynx ’13”to the fact that there had been ten million bottles of

Rogaine delivered to the basement of Romley. At first, administration officials believed

that this was just part of the regular shipment of supplies to Brophy, but, when abnor-

mally large mustaches started appearing on the faces of students, the administration

“knew something was up.”

Mr. Tom Danforth ’78, who led the raid, said Friday, “These students had been hiding

down in the rooms under Romley for months growing their mustaches. They were only

after one thing, the Movember prize money.”

At 7:30 Wednesday morning, Mr. Danforth and the elite Brophy Mustache Brigade

rammed down the entrance to Keating, much to the surprise of the counselors. Mr.

Danforth led the charge down the stairs and arrested the mustache growers. Fortu-

nately no one was hurt. According to administration officials, this was the largest cap-

ture of illegal mustache growers in Brophy’s history since the infamous Moustache Riots

of 1967 which ended in eighteen arrests.

The leader of the upper lip cartel was with them as well, helping to print fake Movem-

ber cards and passes to the pool on the gym roof. He ,unfortunately, was not apprehend-

ed. The administration was not disappointed over this fact, and the mood was in fact

celebratory.

In a press conference Saturday, Mr. Danforth concluded, “Justice was served… and it

was delicious.”

No MisbeXavior: Ridiculous rules of our sister school

By Chase Bishov ’14

Some call it Shutter Island, others claim

it’s where Mr. Middlemist’s ’87

“Deductions” came from; even Coach Ga-

lante tremors in fear at its very mention.

Once, an audacious Brophy scholar at-

tempted to infiltrate its corridors. Frag-

ments of his body were found in the

Michael’s chicken nuggets a week later.

We know it as Xavier. This two-toned (if

you count different shades of tan) concrete

prison lives by and enforces the rules that

give the school its notorious reputation. As

the winter temperatures begin to plummet,

Xavier’s teachers have yet another chance

to reinvigorate their method of ruthless

intolerant discipline. This week’s Christ-

mas Dance will be their opportunity.

Anticipation for the dance is at its all-time

high… you know it’s going to be good when

none of the freshmen even plan on attend-

ing. Except this year is going to be differ-

ent, in effort to drop the dance’s nickname,

“nun fun”, Xavier has completely trans-

formed the philosophy of this year’s dance.

The dance’s theme is “Under the Mistle-

toe.” Before entering into the event, teach-

ers will be escorting couples to their desig-

nated mistletoes for a required kiss. One

Xavier teacher had this to say: “In years

past, students have been penalized for

showing their physical affection.” He add-

ed, “Not this year!”

Another teacher noted, “Every year that

happens. We see a severe drop in male

attendance; no one knows why.” Also, the

dress code will be relaxed, allowing the

students to “express their individuality.”

The final rule is that teachers will not be

inside the dance to monitor conduct. With

these new rules, Xavier is preparing for a

full house...or not.

Administration raid leads to capture of illegal mustache growers

Above: Mr. B barricades the Michael’s entrance while punishing Yash Patel ’15 for using the

Senior line illegally

Mr. B enacts pepper spray policy

By Sean Cahill ’12 and Alec Knappenberger ‘13