DR. STRANGELOVE

by

Stanley KubrickTerry Southern

Based on the novel "Red Alert" byPeter George

FADE IN:

SLOW TRACK over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in thedistance.

NARRATORFor more than a year, ominous rumorshave been privately circulating amonghigh level western leaders, that theSoviet Union had been at work on whatwas darkly hinted to be the ultimateweapon, a doomsday device. Intelligencesources traced the site of the topsecret Russian project to theperpetually fog shrouded wasteland belowthe arctic peaks of the Zokov islands.What they were building, or why itshould be located in a such a remote anddesolate place, no one could say.

CUT TO:

ROLL CREDITS

Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel. Soundtrack lilts "Trya Little Tenderness." Refueling nozzle gently breaks away fromrecieving aircraft.

CUT TO:

INT. COMPUTER ROOM – BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT

A phone buzzes.

PETTY OFFICERGeneral Ripper, sir.

MANDRAKE(to phone on his desk)

Group Captain Mandrake speaking...

Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through thelight of his desk lamp.

RIPPER(to phone)

This is General Ripper speaking.

MANDRAKEYes, sir.

RIPPERYou recognize my voice, Mandrake?

MANDRAKEI do sir, why do you ask?

RIPPERWhy do you think I asked?

MANDRAKEWell I don't know, sir. We spoke just afew moments ago on the phone, didn't we?

RIPPERYou don't think I'd ask if yourecognized my voice unless it was prettydamned important do you, Mandrake?

MANDRAKENo, I don't, sir. No.

RIPPERAlright, let's see if we stay on theball. Has the wing confirmed holding attheir failsafe points?

MANDRAKEYes, sir. The confirmations have alljust come in.

RIPPERVery well, now, listen to me carefully.The base is being put on condition red.I want this flashed to all sectionsimmediately.

MANDRAKECondition red, sir. Yes. Jolly goodidea, keeps the men on their toes.

RIPPERGroup Captain, I'm afraid this is not aexercise.

MANDRAKENot an exercise, sir?

RIPPERI shouldn't tell you this, Mandrake, butyou're a good officer and you have aright to know. It looks like we're in ashooting war.

MANDRAKEOh, hell. Are the Russians involved sir?

RIPPERMandrake, that's all I've been told. Itjust came in on the Red Phone. My ordersare for this base to be sealed tight,and that's what I mean to do: seal ittight. Now, I want you to transmit planR, R for Robert, to the wing. Plan R forRobert.

MANDRAKEIs it that bad sir?

RIPPERIt looks like it's pretty hairy.

MANDRAKEYes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir.

RIPPERNow, last, and possibly most important,I want all privately owned radios to beimmediately impounded.

MANDRAKEYes sir.

RIPPERThey might be used to issue instructionsto saboteurs. As I have previouslyarranged, Air Police will have lists ofall owners and I want every single oneof them collected without exception.

MANDRAKEYes sir.

RIPPERAnd after you've done that, report backto me.

Ripper closes the blinds on wall of windows looking out at thebase. Outside, a SIREN SOUNDS.

CUT TO:

EXT. AIRBORNE B-52'S

With escorts.

NARRATORIn order to guard against surprisenuclear attack, America's Strategic AirCommand maintains a large force of B-52bombers airborne 24 hours a day. Each B-52 can deliver a nuclear bombload of 50megatons, equal to 16 times the totalexplosive force of all the bombs andshells used by all the armies in WorldWar Two. Based in America, the Airbornealert force is deployed from the PersianGulf to the Arctic Ocean, but they haveone geographical factor in common: theyare all two hours from their targetsinside Russia.

CUT TO:

INT. B-52

Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives.

GOLDIEMajor Kong, I know you're gonna think thisa crazy but I just got a message from baseover the CRM 114. It decodes as WingAttack plan R. R for Romeo.

KONGGoldie, did you say Wing Attack, plan R?

GOLDIEYes Sir, I have.

KONGGoldie, how many times have I told youguys that I don't want no horsin' aroundon the airplane?

GOLDIEI'm not horsin' around, sir, that's how itdecodes.

KONGWell I've been to one world fair a picnicand a rodeo and that's the stupidest thingI ever heard come over a set of earphones.You sure you got today's code?

GOLDIEYes sir, it is.

KONGAh, there's just gotta be something wrong.Wait just a second, I'm comin' back.

Kong examines the decoded message and the code book.

KONGMaybe you better get a confirmation frombase.

GOLDIEYes sir.

BOMBARDIERMajor Kong, is it possible that this issome kind of loyalty test. You know, givethe go code and then recall to see whowould actually go?

KONGAin't nobody ever got the go code yet. Andold Ripper wouldn't be giving us plan Runless them Russkies had already clobberedWashington and alot of other towns with asneak attack.

BOMBARDIERYes sir.

GOLDIEMajor Kong, message from base confirmed.

KONGWell boys, I reckon this is it: nuclearcombat, toe to toe with the Russkies.

Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn ofthe Republic.

KONGNow look boys, I ain't much of a hand atmakin' speeches. But I got a pretty fairidea that something doggoned important'sgoing on back there. And I got a fair ideaof the kind of personal emotions that someof you fella's may be thinking. Heck, Ireckon you wouldn't even be human beingsif you didn't have some pretty strongpersonal feelings about nuclear combat.But I want you to remember one thing, thefolks back home is a countin' on ya, andby golly we ain't about to let 'em down.Tell you somethin' else. This thing turnsout to be half as important is I figure itjust might be, I'd say that you're all inline for some important promotions andpersonal citations when this thing's overwith. That goes for every last one of you,regardless of your race, color, or yourcreed. Now, let's get this thing on thehump. We got some flying to do.

CUT TO:

INT. GENERAL TURGIDSON'S STUDIO

Phone rings.

MISS SCOTT(shouting)

Buck, should I get it?

TURGIDSON(muffled)

Yeah. You have to.

MISS SCOTT(to phone)

Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson is here,but I'm afraid he can't come to the phoneat the moment. Well, this is hissecretary, Miss Scott.

(softly)Freddie, how are you? Fine and you? Oh, wewere just catching up on some of theGeneral's paperwork. Well, look Freddie,he's very tied up at the moment. I'mafraid he can't come to the phone.

(listens)Well, just a minute.

(shouts to Tuirgidson)General Turgidson, a General Puntridgecalling.

TURGIDSONTell him to call back.

MISS SCOTT(to phone)

Freddie, the General says could you callback in a minute or two? Oh.

(shouting)He says it can't wait.

TURGIDSONAh, for Pete... well... Find out what hewants.

MISS SCOTTFreddie, the thing is, the General is inthe powder room right now. Could you tellme what it's about? Just a second...

(shouting)Apparently they monitored a transmissionabout eight minutes ago from Burpleson AirForce Base.

(to phone)Right.

(shouting)It was directed to the 843'rd bomb wing onairborne alert.

(to phone)Yeah.

(shouting)It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R.

TURGIDSONUm ah, tell him to call uh what's hisname. Base commander. Ripper. I have tothink of everything?

MISS SCOTT(to phone)

The General suggests you call GeneralRipper, the 843rd base commander. Oh.

(shouting)All communications are dead.

TURGIDSONBull! Tell him to do it himself.

MISS SCOTTFreddie, the General asks if you couldpossibly try again yourself.

(listens)I see.

(shouting)He says he's tried personally severaltimes, but everything is dead. Even thenormal phone lines are shut down.

Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling.

TURGIDSON(to phone)

Fred. Buck. What's it look like? Yeah.Waa... are you sure it's plan R? Huh.What's cookin' on the threat board.?Nothin? Nothin at all? Idon't like thelook of this, Fred. Alright, I tell youwhat you better do, old buddy.

(slaps his belly)You better give Elmo and Charlie a blast,and bump everything up to condition redand stand by the blower, I'll get back toyou.

(hangs up)

MISS SCOTTWhat's up?

TURGIDSONNothing. Nothing. Where's my shorts?

MISS SCOTTOn the floor. Where are you going?

TURGIDSONNo place. No... no place... I just thoughtI might mosey over to the War room for afew minutes. See what's doing over there.

MISS SCOTTIt's three o'clock in the morning.

TURGIDSON(laughs)

The Air Force never sleeps.

MISS SCOTTBuck, honey... I'm not sleepy either.

TURGIDSONI know how it is, baby. Tell you what youdo. You just start your countdown, and oldBucky'll be back here before you cansay... Blast Off!

CUT TO:

EXT. BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT

Ripper's voice booms over the PA. Ready soldiers standlistening.

RIPPERYour commie has no regard for human life,not even his own. And for this reason,men, I want to impress upon you the needfor extreme watchfulness. The enemy maycome individually, or he may come instrength. He may even come in the uniformof our own troops. But however he comes wemust stop him. We must not allow him togain entrance to this base. Now, I amgoing to give you three simple rules.First, trust no one, whatever his uniformor rank, unless he is known to youpersonally. Second, anyone or anythingthat approaches within 200 yards of theperimeter is to be fired upon. Third, ifin doubt, shoot first, and ask questionsafterwards. I would sooner accept a fewcasualties through accident than lose theentire base and its personnel throughcarelessness. Any variation on these rulesmust come from me personally. Now, men, inconclusion, I would like to say that, inthe two years it has been my privilege tobe your commanding officer, I have alwaysexpected the best from you, and you havenever given me anything less than that.

CUT TO:

INT. COMPUTER ROOM – INT. BURPLESON AFB

Mandrake, who has been closing up shop while listening toRipper's speech, discovers a radio inside a line printer andswitches it on. Soft jazz is playing.

RIPPER'S VOICEToday, the nation is counting on us. Weare not going to let them down. Good luckto you all.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRBORNE B-52

Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.

AIRMAN(to Kong)

Here's the attack profile, sir.

KONG(announcing through headset intercom)

This is your attack profile: to insurethat the enemy cannot monitor voicetransmission or plant false transmission,the CRM114 is to be switched into all thereceivercircuits. Emergency phase codeprefix is to be set on the dials of theCRM. This'll block any transmission otherthan those preceded by code prefix. Standby to set code prefix.

GOLDIERoger. Ready to set code prefix.

KONGSet code prefix.

GOLDIE(dials up letters)

OPE Code prefix set.

KONGLock code prefix.

GOLDIECode prefix locked.

KONGSwitch all receiver circuits to CRMdiscriminators.

GOLDIEAll circuits switched to CRMdiscriminators.

KONGCheck auto destruct circuits.

GOLDIEAuto destruct circuits checked.

KONGPrimary target, the ICBM complex atLaputa. Target reference Yankee Golf TangoThree Six Zero. Thirty megaton nucleardevice fused for airburst at ten thousandfeet. Twenty megaton nuclear device willbe used if first malfunctions. Otherwiseproceed to secondary target, missilecomplex seven miles east of Barshaw.Target reference November Bravo X-Ray OneZero Eight. Fused airburst at ten, check,twelve thousand feet.

CUT TO:

INT. BURPLESON AFB

Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls with the portableradio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat. Mandrakeenters...

RIPPER'S OFFICE

MANDRAKEExcuse me sir, something ratherinteresting's just cropped up. Listen tothat. Music. Civilian broadcasting. Ithink those fellows in the Pentagon havegiven us some sort of exercise to test ourreadiness. Personally, I think it's takingit a bit too far; our fellows will beinside Russian radar cover in about twentyminutes. You listen to that. Traffic blockfull of stations all churning it out.

RIPPERMandrake.

MANDRAKEYes, sir?

RIPPERI thought I issued instructions for allradios on this base to be impounded.

MANDRAKE(follows Ripper as he rises fromhis chair to lock his office door)

Well you did indeed sir and I was in theprocess of impounding this very one when Ihappened to switch it on. I thought tomyself our fellows hitting Russian radarcover in twenty minutes, dropping alltheir stuff, I'd better tell you, becauseif they do, it'll cause a bit of a stink,won't it?

RIPPERGroup Captain, the officer exchangeprogram does not give you any specialprerogatives to question my orders.

MANDRAKEWell I realize that sir, but I thoughtyou'd be rather pleased to hear the news.I mean after all, well let's face itwe...we don't want to start a nuclear warunless we really have to, do we?

RIPPERPlease sit down. And turn that thing off.

MANDRAKEYes sir. Ah, what about the planes, sir?Surely you must issue the recall codeimmediately.

RIPPERGroup Captain, the planes are not going tobe recalled. My attack orders have beenissued and the orders stand.

MANDRAKEWell, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir.That would be, to my way of thinking,rather... well rather an odd way oflooking at it. You see, if a Russianattack was in progress we would certainlynot be hearing civilian broadcasting.

RIPPERAre you certain of that, Mandrake?

MANDRAKEI'm absolutely positive about that, sir,yes.

RIPPERAnd what if it is true?

MANDRAKEWell I'm afraid I'm still not with you,sir. Because, I mean, if a Russian attackwas not in progress then your use of planR, in fact your orders to the entirewing... oh. Well I would say, sir, thatthere was something dreadfully wrongsomewhere.

RIPPERNow, why don't you just take it easy GroupCaptain. And please make me a drink ofgrain alcohol and rain water, and helpyourself to whatever you'd like.

MANDRAKE(salutes)

General Ripper, sir, as an officer in HerMajesty's Air Force, it is my clear duty,under the present circumstances, to issuethe recall code, upon my own authority,and bring back the wing. If you'll excuseme sir. Mandrake tries all exits and findsthem locked I'm afraid sir, I must ask youfor the key and the recall code. Have yougot them handy sir?

RIPPERI told you to take it easy, Group Captain.There's nothing anybody can do about thisthing now. I'm the only person who knowsthe three letter code group.

MANDRAKE(voice cracking)

Then I must insist, sir, that you givethem to me.

Ripper lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside,revealing a blued, pearl handled .45 automatic.

MANDRAKEDo I take it, sir, that you arethreatening a brother officer with a gun?

RIPPERMandrake, I suppose it never occurred toyou that while we're chatting here soenjoyably, a decision is being made by thePresident and the Joint Chiefs in the warroom at the Pentagon. And when theyrealize there is no possibility ofrecalling the wing, there will be only onecourse of action open: total committment.Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenzo oncesaid about war?

MANDRAKENo. I don't think I do sir, no.

RIPPERHe said war was to important to be left tothe Generals. When he said that, fiftyyears ago, he might have been right. Buttoday, war is too important to be left topoliticians. They have neither the time,the raining, nor the inclination forstrategic thought. I can no longer sitback and allow Communist infiltration,Communist indoctrination, communistsubversion, and the internationalCommunist conspiracy to sap and impurifyall of our precious bodily fluids.

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM – PENTAGON

MUFFLEYSam, is everybody here?

STAINSMr. President, the Secretary of State isin Vietnam, the Secretary of Defense is inLaos, and the Vice President is in MexicoCity. We can establish contact with themat any time if it's necessary. Theundersecretaries are all here, of course.

MUFFLEYRight. Now, General Turgidson, what'sgoing on here?

TURGIDSONMr. President, about thirty-five minutesago, General Jack Ripper, the commandingGeneral of Burpleson Air Force Base,issued an order to the 34 B-52's of hiswing which were airborne at the time aspart of a special exercise we were holdingcalled Operation Dropkick. Now, it appearsthat the order called for the planes toattack their targets inside Russia. Theplanes are fully armed with nuclearweapons with an average load of 40megatons each. Now the central display ofRussia will indicate the position of theplanes. The triangles are their primarytargets, the squares are their secondarytargets. The aircraft will beginpenetrating Russian radar cover within 25minutes.

MUFFLEYGeneral Turgidson, I find this verydifficult to understand. I was under theimpression that I was the only one inauthority to order the use of nuclearweapons.

TURGIDSONThat's right sir. You are the only personauthorized to do so. And although I hateto judge before all the facts are in, it'sbeginning to look like General Ripperexceeded his authority.

MUFFLEYIt certainly does. Far beyond the point Iwould have imagined possible.

TURGIDSONWell perhaps you're forgetting theprovisions of plan R, sir.

MUFFLEYPlan R?

TURGIDSONPlan R is an emergency war plan in which alower echelon commander may order nuclearretaliation after a sneak attack if thenormal chain of command is disrupted. Youapproved it, sir. You must remember.Surely you must recall, sir, when SenatorBuford made that big hassle about ourdeterrent lacking credibility. The ideawas for plan R to be a sort of retaliatorysafeguard.

MUFFLEYA safeguard.

TURGIDSONI admit the human element seems to havefailed us here. But the idea was todiscourage the Russkies from any hope thatthey could knock out Washington, andyourself, sir, as part of a general sneakattack, and escape retaliation because oflack of proper command and control.

MUFFLEYWell I assume then, that the planes willreturn automatically once they reach theirfailsafe points.

TURGIDSONWell, sir, I'm afraid not. You see theplanes were holding at their failsafepoints when the go code was issued. Now,once they fly beyond failsafe they do notrequire a second order to proceed. Theywill fly until they reach their targets.

MUFFLEYThen why haven't you radioed the planescountermanding the go code?

TURGIDSONWell, I'm afraid we're unable tocommunicate with any of the aircraft.

MUFFLEYWhy?

TURGIDSONAs you may recall, sir, one of theprovisions of plan R provides that oncethe go code is received the normal SSBradios in the aircraft are switched into aspecial coded device, which I believe isdesignated as CRM114. Now, in order toprevent the enemy from issuing fake orconfusing orders, CRM114 is designed notto receive at all, unless the message ispreceded by the correct three letter codegroup prefix.

MUFFLEYThen do you mean to tell me, GeneralTurgidson, that you will be unable torecall the aircraft?

TURGIDSONThat's about the size of it. However, weare plowing through every possible threeletter combination of the code. But sincethere are seventeen thousand permutationsit's going to take us about two and a halfdays to transmit them all.

MUFFLEYHow soon did you say the planes wouldpenetrate Russian radar cover?

TURGIDSONAbout eighteen minutes from now, sir.

MUFFLEYAre you in contact with General Ripper?

TURGIDSONAh... No sir, no, General Ripper sealedoff the base and cut off allcommunications.

MUFFLEYWhere did you get all this information?

TURGIDSONGeneral Ripper called Strategic AirCommand headquarters shortly after heissued the go code. I have a partialtranscript of that conversation if you'dlike me to read it.

MUFFLEYRead it.

TURGIDSONThe duty officer asked General Ripper toconfirm the fact the he had issued the gocode and he said, "Yes gentlemen, they areon their way in and no one can bring themback. For the sake of our country and ourway of life, I suggest you get the rest ofSAC in after them, otherwise we will betotally destroyed by red retaliation. Myboys will give you the best kind of start,fourteen hundred megatons worth, and yousure as hell won't stop them now. So let'sget going. There's no other choice. Godwilling, we will prevail inpeace and freedom from fear and in truehealth through the purity and essence ofour natural fluids. God bless you all."Then he hung up. We're still trying tofigure out the meaning of that lastphrase, sir.

MUFFLEYThere's nothing to figure out GeneralTurgidson. This man is obviously apsychotic.

TURGIDSONWell, I'd like to hold off judgment on athing like that, sir, until all the factsare in.

MUFFLEY(anger rising)

General Turgidson, when you instituted thehuman reliability tests, you assured methere was no possibility of such a thingever occurring.

TURGIDSONWell I don't think it's quite fair tocondemn a whole program because of asingle slip up sir.

MUFFLEYI want to speak to General Ripper on thetelephone, personally.

TURGIDSONI'm afraid that's impossible, sir.

MUFFLEYGeneral Turgidson, I am becoming less andless interested in your estimates of whatis possible and impossible. GeneralFaceman.

FACEMANYes, sir.

MUFFLEYAre there any army units stationedanywhere near Burpleson?

FACEMANWell ah, I'll just check, sir.

Turgidson's phone beeps

TURGIDSONHello.

(pause, then whispering)I told you never to call me here; don'tyou know where I am?

(pause)Well look, baby, I can't talk to you now.My president needs me. Of course Buckywould rather be there with you.

(pause)Of course it isn't only physical. I deeplyrespect you as a human being. Someday I'mgoing to make you Mrs. Buck Turgidson.

(pause)Listen, you go back to sleep. Bucky'll beback there just as soon as he can.Alright. Listen, sug', don't forget to sayyour prayers.

(hangs up and composes himself)

FACEMANApparently, the 23rd airborne division isstationed seven miles away at Alvarado.

MUFFLEYGeneral Faceman, I want them to enter thebase, locate General Ripper, and put himin immediate telephone contact with me.

FACEMANYes, sir.

TURGIDSONMr. President, if I may advise, undercondition red it is standard procedurethat the base be sealed off, and the basebe defended by base security troops. Anyforce trying to enter there wouldcertainly encounter very heavy casualties.

FACEMANGeneral Turgidson, with all due respectfor your defense team, my boys can brush'em aside without too much trouble.

TURGIDSONMr. President, there are one or two pointsI'd like to make, if I may.

MUFFLEYGo ahead, General.

TURGIDSONOne, our hopes for recalling the 843rdbomb wing are quickly being reduced to avery low order of probability. Two, inless than fifteen minutes from now theRusskies will be making radar contact withthe planes. Three, when they do, they aregoing to go absolutely ape, and they'regonna strike back with everything they'vegot. Four, if prior to this time, we havedone nothing further to suppress theirretaliatory capabilities, we will suffervirtual annihilation. Now, five, if on theother hand, we were to immediately launchan all out and coordinated attack on alltheir airfields and missile bases we'dstand a damn good chance of catching 'emwith their pants down. Hell, we got a fiveto one missile superiority as it is. Wecould easily assign three missiles toevery target, and still have a veryeffective reserve force for any othercontingency. Now, six, an unofficial studywhich we undertook of this eventuality,indicated that we would destroy ninetypercent of their nuclear capabilities. Wewould therefore prevail, and suffer onlymodest and acceptable civilian casualtiesfrom their remaining force which would bebadly damaged and uncoordinated.

MUFFLEYGeneral, it is the avowed policy of ourcountry never to strike first with nuclearweapons.

TURGIDSONWell, Mr. President, I would say thatGeneral Ripper has already invalidatedthat policy.

(laughs)

MUFFLEYThat was not an act of national policy andthere are still alternatives left open tous.

TURGIDSONMr. President, we are rapidly approachinga moment of truth both for ourselves ashuman beings and for the life of ournation. Now, the truth is not always apleasant thing, but it is necessary nowmake a choice, to choose between twoadmittedly regrettable, but nevertheless,distinguishable post-war environments: onewhere you got twenty million peoplekilled, and the other where you got ahundred and fifty million people killed.

MUFFLEYYou're talking about mass murder, General,not war.

TURGIDSONMr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn'tget our hair mussed. But I do say... nomore than ten to twenty million killed,tops. Uh... depended on the breaks.

MUFFLEYI will not go down in history as thegreatest mass murderer since AdolphHitler!

TURGIDSONPerhaps it might be better, Mr. President,if you were more concerned with theAmerican people, than with your image inthe history books.

MUFFLEYGeneral Turgidson, I think I've heardquite sufficient from you, thank you verymuch!

STAINSMr. President, they have the ambassadorwaiting upstairs.

MUFFLEYOh, good. Any difficulty?

STAINSThey say he's having a fit about thatsquad of MPs.

MUFFLEYYes, that can't be helped. Have himbrought down here straight away.

STAINSYes, sir.

TURGIDSONIs that the Russian Ambassador you'retalking about?

MUFFLEYYes, it is, General.

TURGIDSONAhh, am I to understand the RussianAmbassador is to be admitted entrance tothe War Room?

MUFFLEYThat is correct. He is here on my orders.

TURGIDSONI... I don't know exactly how to put this,sir, but are you aware of what a seriousbreach of security that would be? Imean...

(begins closing his notebooks)... he'll see everything. He'll see thebig board!

MUFFLEYThat is precisely the idea, General. Thatis precisely the idea. Stains, get PremierKissov on the Hotline.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRBORNE B-52

KONGSurvival Kit contents check. In them youwill find: one 45 caliber automatic, twoboxes of ammunition, four daysconcentrated emergency rations, one drugissue containing antibiotics, morphine,vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills,tranquilizer pills, one miniaturecombination Rooshan phrase book and Bible,one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundreddollars in gold, nine packs of chewinggum, one issue of prophylactics, threelipsticks, three pair of nylon stockings –shoot, a fellah could have a pretty goodweekend in Vegas with all that stuff....

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM

DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of adrinking glass, and places the glass on a banquet table coveredwith an ornate array of meats, breads, and pies.

DESADESKIYou don't have any fresh fish?

AIDEI'm afraid not sir.

DESADESKIYour eggs, then, they are fresh?

AIDEOh, yes, sir.

DESADESKII will have poached eggs. And bring mesome cigars, please. Havana cigars.

AIDEThat will be all for you sir?

DESADESKIYes.

AIDEThen I'll see to it right away.

GENERALTry one of these Jamaican cigars,ambassador, they're pretty good.

DESADESKIThank you, no. I do not support the workof imperialist stooges.

GENERALOh, only commie stooges, huh?

TURGIDSON(whispers, clutching his notebooksto his chest)

Mr. President, you gonna let that lousycommie punk vomit all over us like this?

STAINSMr. President, we haven't been able toreach Premier Kissov in the Kremlin. Theysay they don't know where he is, and hewon't be back for another two hours.

DESADESKITry B86543 Moscow.

STAINSYes, sir.

DESADESKIYou would never have found him through hisoffice, Mr. President. Our Premier is aman of the people, but he is also... aman, if you follow my meaning.

MUFFLEY(laughs)

Fine.

Turgidson mutters to a seated General

DESADESKIWhat did you say?

TURGIDSONI said, Premier Kissov is a degenerateatheist commie! That's what I said.

DESADESKIMr. President, I formally request that youhave this ignorant fool removed from thewar room.

DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form a triangular spat, eachwaving a pointed finger at another.

STAINS(interrupts argument)

I think they're trying the number.

TRACK ON Muffley as he walks towards Stains. A struggle beginsbetween DeSadeski and Turgidson.

MUFFLEY(to Turgidson and DeSadeski who ison Turgidson's lap)

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. Thisis the War Room! What is going on here? Idemand an explanation.

DESADESKIThis clumsy fool tried to plant thatridiculous camera on me.

TURGIDSONYeah, you bet your sweets, Mr. Commie.Look at this, Mr. President. This lousycommie rat was taking pictures with thisthing. Of the big board!

MUFFLEYMr. Ambassador!

DESADESKIThis clumsy fool attempted to plant thatridiculous camera on me.

TURGIDSONThat's a damn lie! I saw him, with my owneyes!

MUFFLEYGentlemen, this is outrageous. I havenever heard of such behavior in the warroom before.

STAINSMr. President, I think they're getting himon the line.

CUT TO:

EXT. BURPLESON AFB

The attack begins.

SOLDIER #1You sure gotta hand it to those commies.

SOLDIER #2Yeah.

SOLDIER #3Gee, those trucks look like the realthing, don't they?

SOLDIER #2I wonder where they got 'em from.

SOLDIER #3Probably bought them from the army as warsurplus.

SOLDIER #1OK. Open up at 200 yards.

Firefight begins

CUT TO:

INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE

Ripper and Mandrake listen to the fighting in silence.

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM

MUFFLEYTell him where you are, and that you'llenter the conversation if I say anythingthat's untrue, but please don't tell himanything more than that. Alexiy, Alexiy,please... I beg you.

DESADESKII don't have a phone.

MUFFLEY(snaps fingers)

Give him your phone, Frank.

DESADESKIGovorit DeSadeski.

(continues in Russian, then...)I've done as you asked. Be careful Mr.President. I think he's drunk.

MUFFLEYHello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can'thear too well, do you suppose you couldturn the music down just a little? Oh,that's much better. Yes. Fine, I can hearyou now, Dimitri. Clear and plain andcoming through fine. I'm coming throughfine too, eh? Good, then. Well then as yousay we're both coming through fine. Good.Well it's good that you're fine and I'mfine. I agree with you. It's great to befine.

(laughs)Now then Dimitri. You know how we'vealways talked about the possibility ofsomething going wrong with the bomb. Thebomb, Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well nowwhat happened is, one of our basecommanders, he had a sort of, well he wenta little funny in the head. You know. Justa little... funny. And uh, he went and dida silly thing.

(listens)Well, I'll tell you what he did, heordered his planes... to attack yourcountry.

(listens)Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let mefinish, Dimitri.

(listens)Well, listen, how do you think I feelabout it? Can you imagine how I feel aboutit, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm callingyou? Just to say hello?

(listens)Of course I like to speak to you. Ofcourse I like to say hello. Not now, butany time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up totell you something terrible has happened.

(listens)It's a friendly call. Of course it's afriendly call. Listen, if it wasn'tfriendly, ... you probably wouldn't haveeven got it. They will not reach theirtargets for at least another hour.

(listens)I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen,I've been all over this with yourambassador. It is not a trick.

(listens)Well I'll tell you. We'd like to give yourair staff a complete run down on thetargets, the flight plans, and thedefensive systems of the planes.

(listens)Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall theplanes, then I'd say that, uh, well, we're

(more)

MUFFLEY (Cont'd)just going to have to help you destroythem, Dimitri.

(listens)I know they're our boys.

(listens)Alright, well, listen... who should wecall?

(listens)Who should we call, Dimitri?

(listens)The people...? Sorry, you faded awaythere.

(listens)The People's Central Air DefenseHeadquarters. Where is that, Dimitri?

(listens)In Omsk. Right. Yes.

(listens)Oh, you'll call them first, will you?

(listens)Uh-huh. Listen, do you happen to have thephone number on you, Dimitri?

(listens)What? I see, just ask for OmskInformation. I'm sorry too, Dimitri. I'mvery sorry.

(listens)Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But Iam sorry as well. I am as sorry as youare, Dimitri. Don't say that you are moresorry than I am, because I am capable ofbeing just as sorry as you are. So we'reboth sorry, alright?

(listens)Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes, hewants to talk to you. Just a second.

DESADESKI(continues in Russian. Gradually becomesalarmed, then...)

Das voydaniya...(rests phone on the table before him)

MUFFLEYWhat... what is it, what?

DESADESKIThe fools... the mad fools.

MUFFLEYWhat's happened?

DESADESKIThe doomsday machine.

MUFFLEYThe doomsday machine? What is that?

DESADESKIA device which will destroy all human andanimal life on earth.

MUFFLEYAll human and animal life?

CUT TO:

INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE

Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts acomforting arm around his shoulder.

RIPPER(through his cigar)

Mandrake.

MANDRAKEYes, Jack?

RIPPERHave you ever seen a commie drink a glassof water?

MANDRAKEWell, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.

RIPPERVodka. That's what they drink, isn't it?Never water?

MANDRAKEWell I... I believe that's what theydrink, Jack. Yes.

RIPPEROn no account will a commie ever drinkwater, and not without good reason.

MANDRAKEOh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see whatyou're getting at, Jack.

RIPPERWater. That's what I'm getting at. Water.Mandrake, water is the source of all life.Seven tenths of this earth's surface iswater. Why, you realize that.. seventypercent of you is water.

MANDRAKEUhhh God...

RIPPERAnd as human beings, you and I need fresh,pure water to replenish our preciousbodily fluids.

MANDRAKEYes. chuckles nervously

RIPPERYou beginning to understand?

MANDRAKEYes.

(chuckles – begins laughing/cryingquietly)

RIPPERMandrake. Mandrake, have you neverwondered why I drink only distilled water,or rain water, and only pure grainalcohol?

MANDRAKEWell it did occur to me, Jack, yes.

RIPPERHave you ever heard of a thing calledfluoridation? Fluoridation of water?

MANDRAKEAh, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.

RIPPERWell do you now what it is?

MANDRAKENo. No, I don't know what it is. No.

RIPPERDo you realize that fluoridation is themost monstrously conceived and dangerouscommunist plot we have ever had to face?

Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.

RIPPER(walks to window and shouts)

Two can play at this game soldier!

More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down theoverhead desk lamp.

RIPPERThat's nice shooting, soldier!

Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. Heturns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gunbarrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.

RIPPERMandrake! Come here!

MANDRAKEYou calling me, Jack?

RIPPERJust come over here and help me with thisbelt.

MANDRAKE(prone on couch)

I ah, I haven't had very much experience,you know, with those... sort of machines,Jack. I only ever pressed a button in myold Spitfire.

RIPPERMandrake, in the name of Her Majesty andthe Continental Congress come here andfeed me this belt, boy!

MANDRAKEJack, I'd love to come. But, what'shappened, you see, is the string in myleg's gone.

RIPPERThe what?

MANDRAKEThe string. I never told you, but, yousee, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone.Shot off.

Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action.

RIPPERMandrake, come over here. The Red Coatsare coming. Come on!

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM

DESADESKIWhen it is detonated, it will produceenough lethal radioactive fallout so thatwithin ten months, the surface of theearth will be as dead as the moon!

TURGIDSONAh, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous.Our studies show that even the worstfallout is down to a safe level after twoweeks.

DESADESKIYou've obviously never heard of cobaltthorium G.

TURGIDSONNo, what about it?

DESADESKICobalt thorium G has a radioactivehalflife of ninety three years. If youtake, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundredmegaton range and jacket them with cobaltthorium G, when they are exploded theywill produce a doomsday shroud. A lethalcloud of radioactivity which will encirclethe earth for ninety three years!

TURGIDSONAh, what a load of commie bull. I mean,afterall...

MUFFLEYI'm afraid I don't understand something,Alexiy. Is the Premier threatening toexplode this if our planes carry out theirattack?

DESADESKINo sir. It is not a thing a sane man woulddo. The doomsday machine is designed to totrigger itself automatically.

MUFFLEYBut surely you can disarm it somehow.

DESADESKINo. It is designed to explode if anyattempt is ever made to untrigger it.

MUFFLEYAutomatically?

TURGIDSONAhh.. it's an obvious commie trick, Mr.President.

(walks backwards towards thebig board)

We're wasting valuable time.(falls over backwards anddoes a somersault, andbrings himself back ontohis feet)

Look at the big board! They're gettingready to clobber us!

MUFFLEYBut this is absolute madness, ambassador.Why should you build such a thing?

DESADESKIThere are those of us who fought againstit, but in the end we could not keep upwith the expense involved in the armsrace, the space race, and the peace race.And at the same time our people grumbledfor more nylons and washing machines. Ourdoomsday scheme cost us just a smallfraction of what we'd been spending ondefense in a single year. But the decidingfactor was when we learned that yourcountry was working along similar lines,and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.

MUFFLEYThis is preposterous. I've never approvedof anything like that.

DESADESKIOur source was the New York Times.

MUFFLEYDr. Strangelove, do we have anything likethat in the works?

Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley andDeSadeski Stains' station at the round table, slowly turn theirheads in search of Strangelove.

STRANGELOVE(in wheelchair)

A moment please, Mr. President.

Stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the tableand begins wheeling towards the discussion between Muffley andDeSadeski.

STRANGELOVEUnder the authority granted me as directorof weapons research and development, Icommissioned last year a study of thisproject by the Bland corporation. Based onthe findings of the report, my conclusionwas that this idea was not a practicaldeterrent, for reasons which, at thismoment, must be all too obvious.

MUFFLEYThen you mean it is possible for them tohave built such a thing?

Strangelove carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking righthand, which is in a black glove.

STRANGELOVEMr. President, the technology required iseasily within the means of even thesmallest nuclear power. It requires onlythe will to do so.

MUFFLEYBut, how is it possible for this thing tobe triggered automatically, and at thesame time impossible to untrigger?

STRANGELOVEMr. President, it is not only possible, itis essential. That is the whole idea ofthis machine, you know. Deterrence is theart of producing in the mind of theenemy... the fear to attack. And so,because of the automated and irrevocabledecision making process which rules outhuman meddling, the doomsday machine isterrifying. It's simple to understand. Andcompletely credible, and convincing.

TURGIDSONGee, I wish we had one of them doomsdaymachines, Stainsy.

MUFFLEYBut this is fantastic, Strangelove. Howcan it be triggered automatically?

STRANGELOVEWell, it's remarkably simple to do that.When you merely wish to bury bombs, thereis no limit to the size. After that theyare connected to a gigantic complex ofcomputers. Now then, a specific andclearly defined set of circumstances,under which the bombs are to be exploded,is programmed into a tape memory bank.

TURGIDSONStrangelove. What kind of a name is that?That ain't no kraut name, is it, Stainsy?

STAINSHe changed it when he became a citizen. Itused to be Merkwurkdigliebe.

TURGIDSONHmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh,Stainsy?

STRANGELOVEYes, but the... whole point of thedoomsday machine... is lost... if you keepit a secret! Why didn't you tell theworld, eh?

DESADESKIIt was to be announced at the PartyCongress on Monday. As you know, thePremier loves surprises.

CUT TO:

EXT. BURPLESON AFB

Firefight continues.

CUT TO:

INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE

Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. Ripper,standing, shoots back at unseen machinegunner. Mandrake is nowcrouching by his side.

RIPPERStay with me Mandrake. Ripper and Mandrakecrawl to one side of desk. Alright,Mandrake, now feed me. Feed me.

Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops. Enemyfire subsides.

MANDRAKE(laughs)

Jack, don't you think we'd be better offin some other part of the room, away fromall this flying glass?

RIPPERAh, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, do yourealize that in addition to fluoridatedwater, why, there are studies underway tofluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices,soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream,Mandrake. Children's ice cream?

MANDRAKEGood Lord.

RIPPERYou know when fluoridation first began?

MANDRAKENo. No, I don't, Jack. No.

RIPPERNineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteenfortysix, Mandrake. How does that coincidewith your postwar commie conspiracy, huh?It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? Aforeign substance is introduced into ourprecious bodily fluids without theknowledge of the individual, and certainlywithout any choice. That's the way yourhard core commie works.

MANDRAKEJack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah... whendid you first become, well, develop thistheory.

RIPPERWell, I ah, I I first became aware of it,Mandrake, during the physical act of love.

Mandrake sighs fearfully

RIPPERYes a profound sense of fatigue, a feelingof emptiness followed. Luckily I was ableto interpret these feelings correctly:loss of essence.

MANDRAKEYes...

RIPPERI can assure you it has not recurred,Mandrake. Women... women sense my power,and they seek the life essence. I do notavoid women, Mandrake, but I do deny themmy essence.

MANDRAKEHeh heh... yes.

CUT TO:

EXT. BURPLESON AFB

Firefight settles into a surrender of Ripper's defendingtroops.

CUT TO:

INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE

RIPPERBoys must have surrendered.

MANDRAKEIt's the way it is. Heh heh. Now Jack,listen. While there's still time, I begyou, let's recall the wing.

Ripper struts over to an available chair, using machinegun as awalking stick, kicking debris en route. Sits.

RIPPERThose boys were like my children,Mandrake. Now they let me down.

MANDRAKENo no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No, I'm surethey all gave you their very best. And I'mequally sure they all died thinking ofyou, every man jack of them, heh, Jack.Supposing a bit of water has gone off, eh?And certainly one can never be too sureabout those sort of things. Would you lookat me now. Do I look all rancid andclotted? You look at me, Jack, eh? Look,eh? And I drink a lot of water, you know.I'm what you might call a water man, Jack.That's what I am. And I can swear to you,my boy, swear to you, that there's nothingwrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing,Jackie.

RIPPERMandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war?

MANDRAKEWell, Jack, the time's running... very...huh?

RIPPERWere you ever a prisoner of war?

MANDRAKEAh yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack, I was.

RIPPERDid they torture you?

MANDRAKEAh... yes, they did. I was tortured by theJapanese, Jack, if you must know. Not apretty story.

RIPPERWell what happened?

MANDRAKEOh... well... I don't know, Jack.Difficult to think of under theseconditions. But, well, what happened wasthey got me on the old Rangoon HNRRrailway. I was laying train mines for thebloody Japanese puff puffs.

RIPPERNo, I mean when they tortured you, did youtalk?

MANDRAKEAh, oh no, I ah... I don't think theywanted me to talk, really. I don't thinkthey wanted me to say anything. It wasjust their way of having... a bit of fun,the swines. Strange thing is they makesuch bloody good cameras.

RIPPERYou know those clowns outside are gonnagive me a pretty good going over in a fewminutes. For the code.

MANDRAKEYes. does a double take Yes, well you mayhave... you may have quite a point there,Jack.

RIPPERI don't know how well I could stand upunder torture.

MANDRAKEWell of course the answer to that is, boy,no one ever does. And my advice to you,Jack, is to give me the code now. And ifthose devils come back and try any roughstuff, we'll fight them together, boy,like we did just now, on the floor, eh?You with the old gun, and me with the beltand the ammo, feeding you, Jack! Feed me,you said, and I was feeding you, Jack.

(pats Ripper on theshoulder)

RIPPERNo, Mandrake. I happen to believe in alife after this one, and I know I'll haveto answer for what I've done. And I thinkI can.

MANDRAKEYes, well of course you can, Jack, ofcourse you can. You can! I'm a religiousman, myself, you know, Jack. I believe inall that sort of thing, and... I'm hoping,you know, Jack.

Rises to follow Ripper, who is walking despondently about theroom, dragging the 50 cal. which he lets fall.

MANDRAKEYou dropped your gun, Jack, yes...

(picks up the machinegun and carries it)

... you know what I'm...(Ripper begins removinghis jacket here)

... no, Jack. Let me take that for you.I'll take that for you, Jack.

(takes Ripper's jacket anddrapes it over the gun)

And, ah, you know what I'm hoping, Jack?(more)

MANDRAKE (Cont'd)I'm hoping you're going to give me thecode, boy. That's what I'm hoping. And,ah...

(Ripper enters thewashroom)

... oh, you're going have a little washand brush up, are you? What a good idea.Always did wonders for a man, that, Jack.A little wash and brush up. Water on theback of the neck, and... makes you feelmarvelous. That's what we need, Jack!Water on the back of the neck and thecode. Now, ... now supposing I play alittle guessing game with you, Jack, boy.

(Ripper shuts washroomdoor)

I'll try and guess... I'll try and guesswhat the code is...

A gun shot rings out from within the washroom – Mandrake gapesat the closed door, drops the machine gun, and pushes on thedoor, which is blocked after opening a few inches.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRBORNE B-52

CO-PILOTCo-pilot to navigator, I'm ready with thefuel figures now. We have one hundred andnine thousand total, seventy nine thousandin the mains, and thirty thousand in theauxiliaries. And that works out to roughlyseven hours fifteen minutes endurance forthis time.

DSODSO to Captain, I have an unidentifiedradar blip. Distance: 60 miles.Approximate speed: mach three. Looks likea missile tracking us! Confirmed, definitemissile track. Commence evasive actionright. Missile still closing range;distance: 50 miles. Continue evasiveaction.

CO-PILOTLock ECM to target intercept mode.

DSOECM locked to target intercept mode.Missile still tracking and closingdistance. Range: 40 miles. Continueevasive action. Electronic guidancescrambler to blue grid. Missile stilltracking steady and closing distance.Range: 30 miles. Missile still closingtrue and steady. Continue evasive action.Range: 20 miles. Missile still closingdistance... and tracking steady.

CO-PILOTEvac range gate on maximum scan.

DSORange gate on maximum scan. Range: 10miles. Missile track deflecting. Continueevasive action. Deflection increasing;range: 8 miles. Deflection stillincreasing; range: 6 miles. Missile stilldeflecting; range: 4 miles. Range: 2miles; missile still deflecting. Range:one mile; missile detonated!

DISTORTED VOICES AUDIBLE through headset intercom. Kong isjolted as shock wave hits the plane. Crew scrambles to attendto fires, regain control of aircraft.

KONGSpot lever to cutoff... reselect tocentral power... Extinguishers... Transferswitches... boost pumps up. Fuel valvesthree four and six. Give me full power.

Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control.

CUT TO:

INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE – BURPLESON AFB

Mandrake examines a notepad on Ripper's desk. It is coveredwith doodles and an interlocking pattern of the words Peace OnEarth, and Purity Of Essence.

MANDRAKEPeace on Earth. Peace on Earth. Peace onEarth: P O E. Purity of essence. O P O E.

(whispers)O P E.

Shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door tothe office opens. Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1 carbine.

GUANOPut your hands over your head.

MANDRAKEWhat the devil do you think you're doing,shooting your way in here? Who are you?

GUANOI said, put your hands over your head.What kind of suit you call that, fellah?

MANDRAKEWhat do you mean, suit? This happens to bean R. A. F. uniform, sir. And I am GroupCaptain Lionel Mandrake. I am GeneralRipper's Executive Officer.

GUANOWhere's General Ripper?

MANDRAKEHe's dead, in the bathroom.

GUANOWhere's the bathroom?

MANDRAKENext to you.

Guano peers around bathroom door and whistles in exclamation.

MANDRAKELook, I don't know what sort of stupidgame this is you're playing, but I've gota very good idea what the recall code isand I have to get in touch with SACheadquarters immediately.

GUANOI said put your hands over your head andkeep 'em there. Got any witnesses?

MANDRAKEWitnesses? What are you talking about,witnesses? He shot himself!

GUANOWhile he was shaving, huh?

MANDRAKENow look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if thatreally is your name, may I tell you that Ihave a very, very good idea, I think, Ihope, I pray, what the recall code is.It's some sort of recurrent theme he keptrepeating. It's a variation on Peace onEarth or Purity of Essence. E O P. O P E.It's one of those!

GUANOPut your hands up on top of your head.Start walking.

MANDRAKEDon't you know that General Ripper went asmad as a bloody march hare and sent thewhile wing to attack the Soviets? Don'tyou know that?

GUANOWhat are you talking about?

MANDRAKEI'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'mgoing to pick up this red telephone whichis connected to SAC. And I hope... blast.Blast! Shot away, I expect by one of yourmen during this ridiculous fighting! picksup another phone Right.

(glances down to discoverthis phone has no cord atall)

GUANOAlright, Charlie, I been wasting too muchtime on you. I got a lot of wounded menoutside. Start walking.

CUT TO:

INT. B-52

Goldie is examining the damage to the radios.

GOLDIEAll the radio gear is out, including theCRM-114. I think the auto-destructmechanism got hit and blew itself up.

BOMBARDIERThe fire is out. Emergency power is on.Everything seems to check out alright.Will advise.

KONGRoger. Navigator...

NAVIGATORI've worked out our rate of fuel loss atapproximately one six two per minute. Thisgives us a radius of action sufficient totake out primary and secondary targets.But we will not, repeat, not be able tomake it back to any base or neutralcountry. However we would have enough fuelto ditch at weather ship tango delta: gridcoordinates zero zero three six nine one.

KONGNow, boys, we got three engines out; wegot more holes in us than a horse trader'smule, the radio's gone and we're leakingfuel, and if we's flying any lower, why,we'd need sleigh bells on this thing. Butwe got one little budge on them russkies,at this this height, why, they mightharpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonnaspot us on no radar screen.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY – BURPLESON AFB

Guano is marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at gunpoint.

GUANOThe other way.

MANDRAKEWhere are you taking me?

GUANOThe main gate.

MANDRAKEColonel! Colonel, I must know what youthink has been going on here!

GUANOYou wanna know what I think?

MANDRAKEYes.

GUANOI think you're some kind of deviatedprevert. And I think General Ripper foundout about your preversion, and that youwere organizing some kind of mutiny ofpreverts. Now, move!

Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking.

GUANOOn top of that I don't know anything aboutany planes attacking Russia. All I wastold to do was get General Ripper on thephone to the President of the UnitedStates.

MANDRAKENow just one second. You just said... thePresident.

GUANOWhat about the President?

MANDRAKENow, the president wants to speak toGeneral Ripper, doesn't he? Now, GeneralRipper is dead, is he not? I am GeneralRipper's executive officer, so thepresident will bloody well want to speakto me, won't he? There's a telephone boxover there, and the line may be open.

GUANOYou want to talk to the president of theUnited States?

MANDRAKEI don't want to talk to him, Colonel, I'vegot to talk to him. And I can assure you,if you don't put that gun away and stopthis stupid nonsense, the court of inquiryon this'll give you such a pranging,you'll be lucky if you end up wearing theuniform of a bloody toilet attendant!

GUANOOK. Go ahead. Try and get the President ofthe United States on the phone.

Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano pushesit back open.

GUANOIf you try any preversions in there I'llblow your head off.

Mandrake places coins in the slot and dials.

MANDRAKEOperator? This is Group Captain LionelMandrake, I'm speaking from Burpleson AirForce Base. Look, something very urgenthas come up and I want you to place anemergency person to person call withPresident Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon,Washington D.C. Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180.No, I'm perfectly serious, operator, thePresident, yes the President of the UnitedStates. I'm sorry, I haven't got enoughchange. Um, could you... could you makethis a collect call, operator?

Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks on.

MANDRAKEJust one second, operator.

(to Guano)They won't accept the call. Have you gotfifty-five cents?

GUANOWell, you don't think I'd go into combatwith loose change in my pocket, do you?

MANDRAKEOperator, look, ah... is it possible tomake this an ordinary... ordinary trunkcall? Well, what do you call it... youknow, ah...

(raps on phone box withknuckles)

... oh, ah... station to station.(counts change in hispalm)

Oh, blast. Still twenty cents short.Operator, hold on one... ah... I shan'tkeep you a second.

(to Guano)Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I wantyou to shoot the lock off it. There may besome change in there.

GUANOThat's private property.

MANDRAKE(exasperated)

Colonel, can you possibly imagine what isgoing to happen to you, your frame,outlook, way of life and everything, whenthey learn that you have obstructed atelephone call to the President of theUnited States? Can you imagine? Shoot itoff! Shoot! With the gun! That's what thebullets are for, you twit!

GUANOOK. I'm gonna get your money for you. Butif you don't get the President of theUnites States on that phone, you knowwhat's going to happen to you?

MANDRAKEWhat?

GUANOYou're going to have to answer to theCoca-Cola Company.

Turns to the Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills fromthe coin return slot. As Guano bends to collect it, cokestreams from a bullet hole and showers his face.

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM

VOICE ON PAThis is SAC communications control. Therecall code, OPE, is being acknowledgedroger by elements of the 843 bomb wing.

Cheering starts among men in the War Room.

VOICE ON PAThese are the details: missions 12, 22,30, and 38 are reported destroyed by enemyaction. All other missions haveacknowledged recall code. This is SACcommunications control, over and out.

TURGIDSON(whistles loudly)

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

War room falls silent.

TURGIDSONAh, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not asentimentalist at all, by nature, but Ithink I know what's in every heart in thisroom. I think we ought to all just bow ourheads and give a short prayer of thanksfor our deliverance. Lord, we have heardthe wings of the angel of death flutteringover our heads from the valley of fear.You have seen fit to deliver us from theforces of evil...

STAINSExcuse me sir, Premier Kissov's callingagain and he's hopping mad.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRBORNE B-52

GOLDIEFuel flow in active engines and leakagehas increased. Now works out at two zerofive. Estimate remaining fuel at eightseven nine zero.

NAVIGATORRoger. Confirm two zero five per minuteand remaining fuel eight seven nine zero.

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM

MUFFLEY(into phone)

No. No, Dimitri, there must be somemistake.

(listens)No, I'm certain of that. I'm perfectlycertain of that, Dimitri. Just a second.

(puts down phone)You know what he says? He says that one of

(more)

MUFFLEY (Cont'd)the planes hasn't turned back. He saysaccording to information forwarded by ourair staff, it's headed for the missilecomplex at Lapuda.

TURGIDSONWhah...

(laughs in wheezingincredulity)

That's impossible, Mr. President. I mean,look at the big board! Thirty-four planes,thirty recalls acknowledged, and foursplashes, and one of them was targeted forLapuda!

MUFFLEY(into phone)

Dimitri? Look, we've got anacknowledgement from every plane exceptthe four you've shot down.

(listens)Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a second,Dimitri.

(covers phone)He says their air staff now only claimsthree aircraft confirmed. The fourth mayonly be damaged.

TURGIDSONMr. President, I'm beginning to smell abig fat commie rat. I mean, supposingKissov is lying about that fourth plane,just looking for an excuse to clobber us.I mean, if the spaghetti hits the fan, nowwe're really in trouble.

MUFFLEY(into phone)

Dimitri, look, if this report is true andthe plane manages to bomb the target, isit... is this going to full.. is thisgoing to set off the doomsday machine?

(listens)Are you sure?

(listens)Well, I... I guess you're just going tohave to get that plane, Dimitri! Dimitri,I'm sorry they're jamming your radar andflying so low, but they're trained to doit. You know, it's it's initiative! Look,Dimitri, you know exactly where they'regoing and I'm sure your entire air defensecan stop a single plane. Listen, I mean,it's not going to help either one of us if

(more)

MUFFLEY (Cont'd)a if the if the doomsday machine goes off,now is it?

(listens)Dom... Dimitri there's no point in yougetting you hysterical at a moment likethis! Dimitri! Keep your feet on theground when you're talking, Dimitri.

(listens)I... I am not I am not getting... no,Dimitri. I... I just am worried, that'sall. Look, now if our air staff say it'sprimary target is Lapuda and it'ssecondary target it Bordkov, I mean it'sit's true, Dimitri! You gottabelieve it.

Turgidson nods affirmative

MUFFLEYLook, can I gi...

(listens)Dimitri, can I give you just one word...can I give you just one word of advice,Dimitri? Listen, Dimitri, put everythingyou've got into those two sectors and youcan't miss.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRBORNE B-52

NAVIGATORSir, if we continue to lose fuel at thepresent rate, I estimate we only havethirty-eight minutes flying time whichwill not even take us as far as theprimary.

KONGDog gonnit, Sweets, you told me that you'dget me to the primary!

NAVIGATORI'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was based onthe original loss rate factor, not at twozero five.

KONGI don't give a hoot in hell how you do it,you just get me to the primary, you hear?

NAVIGATORI'm sorry Sir, but those are the figures.We'll be luck to reach weather ship attango delta.

KONGWell... shoot. We ain't come this far justto dump this thing in the drink. What'sthe nearest target opportunity?

NAVIGATORSir, if the rate of loss does notincrease, we have a chance to reach targetthree eight four,grid coordinate zero zerothree six nine one, and possibly make itfrom there to the tango delta weathership.

KONGWhat kind of a target is that, anyhow?

BOMBARDIERSir, that's the ICBM complex at Kodlosk.

KONGAlright. Designating new target threeeight four. Give me a rough heading onthat just as soon as you can get it workedout, will you?

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM

MUFFLEY(into phone)

Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed,Dimitri, and remember, there's just onething, we are all in this together. We'reright behind you, Dimitri. We're with youall the way.

(listens)Yes. Well, we'll keep the line open.Alright Dimitri.

(rests phone on the table)General Turgidson, is there really achance for that plane to get through?

TURGIDSONMr. President, if I may speak freely, theRusskie talks big, but frankly, we thinkhe's short of know how. I mean, you justcan't expect a bunch of ignorant peons tounderstand a machine like some of ourboys. And that's not meant as an insult,Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you take youraverage Russkie, we all know how much gutshe's got. Hell, lookit look at all themthem Nazis killed off and they stillwouldn't quit.

MUFFLEYCan't you stick to the point, General?

TURGIDSONWell, I'm sorry. Ah... If the pilot'sgood, see. I mean, if he's really...sharp, he can barrel that baby in so lowspreads his arms like wings., laughs yououghtta see it sometime, it's a sight. Abig plane, like a '52, vroom! There's jetexhaust, fryin' chickens in the barnyard!

MUFFLEYYeah, but has he got a chance?

TURGIDSONHas he got a chance? Hell Ye... ye...

(covers mouth in solemnrealization)

CUT TO:

INT. AIRBORNE B-52

NAVIGATORNavigator to Captain, approaching target.Distance, one zero miles. Switch fromgreen grid to target orange.

KONGRoger. Ready for final bomb run check.Take over, Ace.

CO-PILOTRoger.

DSODSO ready.

BOMBARDIERBombardier ready, sir.

KONGBomb fusing master safety on, electronics,barometrics, time and impact.

BOMBARDIERBomb fusing master safeties on,electronic, barometric, time and impact.

KONGFused for ground burst, delay factoryellow three.

BOMBARDIERFused for ground burst, delay factoryellow three.

KONGBomb fusing circuits one through four,test.

BOMBARDIERBomb fusing circuits one through four,test. Lights on.

KONGBomb arming test lights on, one throughfour.

BOMBARDIERBomb arming test lights on, one throughfour.

KONGEngage primary trigger switch override.

BOMBARDIERPrimary trigger switch override, engaged.

KONGTrack indicators to maximum deflection.

BOMBARDIERTrack indicators to maximum deflection.

KONGDetonator set to zero altitude.

BOMBARDIERDetonator set to zero altitude.

KONGRelease first safety.

AIRMANFirst safety released.

BOMBARDIERFirst safety.

KONGRelease second safeties.

AIRMANSecond safety released.

BOMBARDIERSecond safety.

KONGCheck bomb door circuits one through four.

BOMBARDIERAh... bomb door circuits, negativefunction. Lights red.

KONGSwitch in backup circuits.

BOMBARDIERRoger. Backup circuits switched in, stillnegative function.

KONGEngage emergency power.

BOMBARDIERRoger. Emergency power on. Still negativefunction.

KONGOperate manual override!

BOMBARDIERRoger. Ah... still negative function. Theteleflex drive cable must be sheared away.

KONGFire the explosive bolts!

BOMBARDIERRoger. Um... still negative, sir. Theoperating circuits are dead, sir.

KONGStay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm going downbelow to see what I can do.

CO-PILOTRoger.

KONG(to DSO and Bombardier)

Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm goin' toget them doors open if it hare lipseverybody on Bear Creek.

(proceeds through hatch tobomb bay)

Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended bomb,and then climbs atop the it, fanning the sparks with hisstetson

NAVIGATORTarget orange grid reference, checks.Target distance, eight miles.

CO-PILOTRoger, eight miles. Telemetric guidancecomputer into orange grid.

BOMBARDIERTelemetric guidance computer into orangegrid.

NAVIGATORTarget distance, seven miles. Correcttrack indicator, minus seven.

CO-PILOTRoger. Seven miles. Set GPI accelerationfactor.

BOMBARDIERGPI diversion factor set.

NAVIGATORTarget distance, six miles.

CO-PILOTRoger. Six miles. False ident transponderactive.

BOMBARDIERFalse ident transponder active.

NAVIGATORTarget distance, five miles.

CO-PILOTFive miles. Bundling alignment factor zeromode.

BOMBARDIERBundling alignment factor to zero mode.

NAVIGATORTarget distance, four miles.

CO-PILOTRoger. Four miles. Auto CDC into manualteleflex link.

BOMBARDIERAuto CDC is to manual teleflex link.

NAVIGATORTarget distance, three miles.

CO-PILOTRoger. Three miles.

NAVIGATORTarget in sight. Where in hell is MajorKong?

Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes andthen attaches an alligator clip to a patch panel above hishead. The bomb doors open. He grabs his stetson to keep it fromblowing away in the sudden slipstream.

KONGAaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo!

The bomb is dropped, and Kong along with it

BOMBARDIERHey, what about Major Kong?

KONGAaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo!

Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc waving his hat over hishead, celebrating his success in ecstatic rodeo style. Onreaching the ground, the bomb detonates.

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM

Strangelove executes an about face from the big board to facethe camera.

STRANGELOVEMr. President, I would not rule out thechance to preserve a nucleus of humanspecimens. It would be quite easy... hehheh...

(rolls forward into thelight)

At the bottom of ah... some of our deepermineshafts. The radioactivity would neverpenetrate a mine some thousands of feetdeep. And in a matter of weeks, sufficientimprovements in dwelling space couldeasily be provided.

MUFFLEYHow long would you have to stay downthere?

STRANGELOVEWell let's see now ah...

(searches within hislapel)

... cobalt thorium G...(notices circular sliderule in his gloved hand)

... aa... nn... Radioactive halflife ofuh, ... hmm.. I would think that uh...possibly uh... one hundred years.

On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule roughlyfrom his gloved hand, and returns it to within his jacket.

MUFFLEYYou mean, people could actually stay downthere for a hundred years?

STRANGELOVEIt would not be difficult mein Fuhrer!Nuclear reactors could, heh... I'm sorry.Mr. President. Nuclear reactors couldprovide power almost indefinitely.Greenhouses could maintain plantlife.Animals could be bred and slaughtered. Aquick survey would have to be made of allthe available mine sites in the country.But I would guess... that ah, dwellingspace for several hundred thousands of ourpeople could easily be provided.

MUFFLEYWell I... I would hate to have to decide..who stays up and.. who goes down.

STRANGELOVEWell, that would not be necessary Mr.President. It could easily be accomplishedwith a computer. And a computer could beset and programmed to accept factors fromyouth, health, sexual fertility,intelligence, and a cross section ofnecessary skills. Of course it would beabsolutely vital that our top governmentand military men be included to foster andimpart the required principles ofleadership and tradition.

Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute.

STRANGELOVEArrrrr!

(restrains right arm withleft)

Naturally, they would breed prodigiously,eh? There would bemuch time, and little todo. But ah with the proper breedingtechniques and a ratio of say, ten femalesto each male, I would guess that theycould then work their way back to thepresent gross national product within say,twenty years.

MUFFLEYBut look here doctor, wouldn't thisnucleus of survivors be so grief strickenand anguished that they'd, well, envy thedead and not want to go on living?

STRANGELOVENo sir...

His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards

STRANGELOVEExcuse me.

He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing itwith a beating from his left

STRANGELOVEAlso when... when they go down into themine everyone would still be alive. Therewould be no shocking memories, and theprevailing emotion will be one ofnostalgia for those left behind, combinedwith a spirit of bold curiosity for theadventure ahead! Ahhhh!

Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into hislap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to strangle him.

TURGIDSONDoctor, you mentioned the ration of tenwomen to each man. Now, wouldn't thatnecessitate the abandonment of the socalled monogamous sexual relationship, Imean, as far as men were concerned?

STRANGELOVERegrettably, yes. But it is, you know, asacrifice required for the future of thehuman race. I hasten to add that sinceeach man will be required to doprodigious... service along these lines,the women will have to be selected fortheir sexual characteristics which willhave to be of a highly stimulating nature.

DESADESKII must confess, you have an astonishinglygood idea there, Doctor.

STRANGELOVEThank you, sir.

TURGIDSON(to Muffley)

I think we should look at this from themilitary point of view. I mean, supposingthe Russkies stashes away some big bomb,see. When they come out in a hundred yearsthey could take over!

DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around Strangeloveand the President, toward the banquet table.

GENERALI agree, Mr. President. In fact, theymight even try an immediate sneak attackso they could take over our mineshaftspace.

TURGIDSONYeah. I think it would be extremely naiveof us, Mr. President, to imagine thatthese new developments are going to causeany change in Soviet expansionist policy.

DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins photographing the bigboard with a secret camera within a pocket watch.

TURGIDSONI mean, we must be... increasingly on thealert to prevent them from taking overother mineshaft space, in order to breedmore prodigiously than we do, thus,knocking us out in superior numbers whenwe emerge! Mr. President, we must notallow... a mine shaft gap!

STRANGELOVE... Sir!

(stands up out of hiswheelchair)

I have a plan. Heh.(pauses, realizing that heis standing)

Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!

MULTIPLE SCENES OF EXPLODING BOMBS

Dancing to the tune of "We'll Meet Again."

FADE OUT

THE END