The RopeVolume 98

Issue 1

PAGE 2 THE ROPE @NoZeBrotherhood

cunninglinguistBro. Noze Is The Warmest Color

lordemayorBro. CocoNoZe Shrimp II

shekelkeeperBro. OrangeMochaFrappucciNoZe

intelligentdesignerBro. BillNoZe’Reilly

boredofgraftBro. NoZeCountryForOldMen

thebrothersBro.ThereIsALightThatNeverNozeOutBro. NoZeChanceInHellBro. Dr.NoZe-N-FurterBro. HanNoZe BarbaraBro. HakuNoZeMatataBro. Fear and NoZeing in Las VegasBro. Childish GambiNoZeBro. TyraNoZesaurus RexBro. Im Just a Poor Boy Nozebody Loves MeBro. She Wears Short Skirts I Wear NoZe Shirts

venerableexilesBro. ZeNo’Ze ParadoxBro. JohnnyNoZelBro. TacoCabaNoZeBro. BraveNoZeWorld

...and a cast of thousands

NoZeBros Both me and Drake agree, what a time to be alive. The Magnolias are blooming, Campus Car-ry’s been fuming, Baylor’s wide receivers are abusing Golden Retrievers and I, Brother NoZe Is The Warmest Color, is officially and affirmatively the Cunning Linguist of the Noble NoZe Brotherhood. Are you proud of me now, mom? Somebody pinch me. I must be dreaming. Or having a nightmare. It’s honestly too soon to tell. They say you can’t always get what you want but I’ve gotten pretty dang close with this new arbitrary authority. The last girl to have this gig before me was Brother Taco Cabanoze. RIP my long lost soul sister. You, me, and Bro. CocoNo-Ze Shrimp II will reunite when the Selena Hologram hits Vegas.

I tell you what though kid, people ask me all the time what’s the hardest part about being a Noze Brother. The hardest part isn’t being the best looking, or the only girl, or even the only one with the most severe dependancy on alcohol; the hardest part about being in the Noble NoZe Broth-erhood is putting together this God-forsaken paper. So with that in mind, sit back, relax, and en-joy the product of three days of work, blood, sweat, and tears, and just a little bit of Deep Ellum IPA spilled onto the fourth page.

Before you go on your journey of discovery, I wanna impart on you some of the greatest ques-tions Beyonce ever asked, “Who run the world? Who run this motha?”

Satchel on Bro. Long NoZe. Satch!Keep on Ducking Around

Rock Out with Your Clock Out,Bro. NoZe is the Warmest Color

Keko Keeper of the Safety ScissorsKeko Keeper of Questionable Track Marks

Keko Keeper of the Non stick PamRIP Selena

Ladies, Please not all at once.Thots from the Cunning Linguist

Keko Keko Muckity Muck! CLCRU! BBBB! Legends are leaving, Girls have been screaming, Starr is done day-dreaming… Dogs crying, nobody is sighing, Lord please can sharks stop dying! Seriously shark week is my thing. And give me a ring if you wanna date the underwight Bro. Nobody’s Mate. Classes have started I’m already late. Unrush this Thursday you dont have to wait. I feel I must reit-erate. Unrush. Once more again Unrush my friend and your year will be filled with cheer and queers. My dear, dont fear just come near. Have a beer. Pop that top watch for the cops but PD aint got nothing on me but a college degree. Back the blue or they wont back you. When they pull out the gun scream dont shoot. Diddle Diddle the cat and fiddle do you get this riddle? No tits and or pittle. Let’s make this year swell, ring Pat Neffs bells, An hopefully we will all leave with one hell of a story to tell. Criss cross, apple sauce hayyyyyyyy macarena! Satch!

Keko Keko Muckity Muck

Title IX officers last Wednesday came dangerously close to being held accountable for their wrong-doings when Baylor’s cam-paign, “Its On Us” fell into question among board members. “Who is the “Us” specifically referring too? Are we expected to contrib-ute to this endeavor?” they exclaimed with exasperation and lackluster. As he stood up and took a swig of his coffee with half and half Bailey’s crème, director Matt Vermont settled the uneasy boardroom, “The ‘Us’ in ‘Its On Us’ could stand for you, me, the student body, even your great Aunt Sally. But who’s to say the iden-tity of the aforementioned ‘Us’ even means?” He continued after cordially patting the Vice President’s fanny, “That’s the beauty of a broad, blanket statement baby. It’s just vague enough to imply that we are contributing something original and effective in order to stop the sexual assault crisis on campus. Don’t be mistaken though, this is the same regurgitated, bureaucratic-ass-covering campaign that Baylor has excelled at the last fifty years.” Nods of approval rippled through the executive’s office. “Or else we’d actually have to do our jobs.”

From all backward perspectives, this is a fantastic direction, considering that holding people in positions of power personally accountable for their actions is oppressive, and against the “sweep under the rug” policy that we abide by here at Baylor University. “By implementing this strategy, we have shifted responsibility away from our offices and onto the misinformed and under-lead stu-dent body.”

So remember boys and girls, it’s on You, not Title IX.

Title IX Nearly Experiences Personal Accountability“It’s On Who?”

PAGE 3 THE ROPE @NoZeBrotherhood

With the termination of President Staar and the firing of Art Briles, the Baylor Board Regents were forced to settle with the “sure thing” and made the decision to make David Garland the in-terim President of Baylor University. This move to put Garland as head of the university has been the most controversial thing that has happened on campus since a Pi Phi hit that corgi.

When asked about his credentials occupy the office, Garland responded by saying, “ I’ve been part of the university for as long as I can remem-ber, as well as the head of the Truett Seminary School for some time now.” If history has taught us anything however, it’s that being the head of Christianity hasn’t ended up well for everyone. (RIP Peter, John the Baptist and the main man Jesus).

At yesterday’s Board of Regents meeting, Garland simply held up the Bible and his lifetime membership card to HEB as proof of his outstanding qualifications. He stated, “Resume? Oh, no people just know me.” During the meeting, Garland also proudly promoted his amazing ability to knit scarfs and whittle woodcarvings. When asked what direction he felt he needed to take the university, Garland responded with, “Eh, I mean, could I possibly make things worse?”

Interim President is Qualified“Can I do this? Lord help me”

PAGE 4 THE ROPE @NoZeBrotherhood

WACO, Texas – The unthinkable happened. We knew it was a problem, but we didn’t do a damn thing to stop it. On Tuesday of last week, in Hamilton County, Texas, young Penelope Miller was found having been born with the Zika virus. A baby born with great, porce-lain skin, blood that bleeds red, white, and blue, and poo’s that smell like freedom didn’t deserve something so tragic. This has been the greatest blow to the white community since Kanye West forced dear, sweet Taylor Swift off the stage.

“She was just a sweet, aryan child,” said Emily Miller, the distraught mother of young Penelope. “I wouldn’t wish this on any other white, Christian family. How could we have expected this? How?” After her comment, Mrs. Miller was promptly informed that, in fact, the Zika virus had actually been sweeping throughout Brazil for the past two years and the Latin-American community in the southern Unit-ed States more recently. “Um… ok…? But I’m a REAL American. Trump would have never let this happen,” she said, riding away on her hoverboard.

Greg Abbot, as if blessed by Anglican Jesus, rose from his chair and ran to the Capitol to initiate an executive order. “We will not let this disease harm our hard-working, American citizens! I’ve ordered round-the-clock spraying of all pesticides, especially in areas of greater risk to children, such as school yards and low level water fountains.” He has declined to comment on the status of Latin Amer-ican communities already afflicted with the disease, chalking it up to “an unfortunate situation,” while saying that he “will pray for them.”

Several worried citizens attending the press conference voiced their opinion on the day’s events. “This only means that all them Latinos should be deported,” said Ernest Huckleberry, a Hamilton county Sheriff. “I’m makin’ it an imperative.” With the steady rising of the infected population in both Central and Northern Texas, residents of Hamilton county are doing all they can to combat this plague afflict-ing their patriotic community.

Neighbors, friends, and citizens from all over the country have been more than helpful in this time of crisis, donating green bean casse-role, fruit baskets, and “Get Well Soon” cards for the Miller’s ailing daughter. Meanwhile, aid to the impoverished and disease-stricken country of Brazil is still questionable. You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water, but as long as that water’s Zika free, who cares?

Caucasian Infant Gets Zika“I guess it’s time to start caring.”

A space filler.

Freshman Allocation of Brain PowerAnalyzed by Bro. Childish GambiNoZe

There comes a time in every man’s life that he looks up to his older brother for great life advice to get him through the tough times in life. This is not one of those times. Brother Johnny NoZel, a recent tragedy of a cocaine and NCAA 14 high, departed this ethereal plane of existence stuffed with In-N-Out Animal Fries and PBR.In the wake of this horrific event, we remember his indomitable spirit, his East Texas pride, and his thighs that just won’t quit. Much like Barry Sanders, you were cordial and immaculate, but still left the playoffs with only a single win to your name. Maybe if you didn’t muff those punts on Madden 17, God would put you first string in Heav-en, and Brother CocoNoZe Shrimp II would hang your jersey on the fridge.

Before Art Briles could say, “The past is last,” you left when it wasn’t your time. No longer will you hold me in your arms and use me as a moderately heavy bench press. Never will the great Johnny NoZel dance across the moonlit sky like a muscular Kevin James from Hitch. Brother Burlington NoZe Factory will join you soon. Now I’ll have to be content with Thor Rodoni, whose name sounds like a box of Mar-vel-themed macaroni shapes.

If there’s one thing I learned from you, it’s how to take my shirt off with class, and how to be properly fondled by a pair of Adonis hands. Brother Johhny NoZel leaves behind a jockstrap filled with Jack Daniel’s, a moderate love of Geology, and a muffin top that he just couldn’t get rid of.

@NoZeBrotherhood THE ROPE PAGE 5

Reese’s in Pieces Bro. Johnny NoZel

PAGE 6 THE ROPE @NoZeBrotherhood

I remember the day he committed, I was elated to see that 5-Star dual threat quarterback Jarrett Stidham would be going to Baylor with me for the next 4 years. So what if he screwed over Texas Tech to be with me. Our relationship was supposed to be different; he promised he wouldn’t leave me like he had that Raider-rash-ridden floozy. I dreamed of spending every Saturday together. We’d take long walks along the Big 12 Conference Championship field right into the sunset.

But then, without warning, reason, or even a text, he was gone. There were signs that I should’ve noticed, red flags that I should’ve called. When he started hanging around that hillbilly Auburn, I knew I had lost him for good. “I shouldn’t have to reassure you,” he would say. “We are apart of the Baylor family.” He’d blab on and on that nobody could take that away. He even told the world on Instagram that we would get through this… together. Then disaster struck less than a month after he told me he was staying. Before I could even unmount his jersey from above my fireplace, he was long gone and so were my dreams of the playoffs.

POINT:Jarrett Stidham is a Piece of S*%^ Who Ruined My Life

I never really saw the whole big deal with that Stidham guy. All the guy did was beat a team from Kansas, completely screw our season over, and break his leg. Excuse me if I don’t see the hype about a dude who pulls a Tony Romo every time he steps on the field. In my opinion, Stidham transferring is a good thing. Now we don’t have the option of yelling to take Seth Russell out of the game every time he throws an incompletion.

Maybe our fans will learn to appreciate what we have when we have it. Maybe our Board of Regents will learn not to fire a head coach for something that was clearly an administrative problem. Maybe RG3 will go back to being the messiah of our program instead of a cheater. Maybe Burt Burleson will stop losing his mind. Maybe Bro. I’m Just a Poor Boy NoZe Body Loves Me will finally feel the love of a woman that isn’t his mother.

What were we talking about again? Oh yeah. Stidham was average at best, broken-legged at worst. But in all honesty, Stidham, the man who ruined Baylor’s national title hopes in 2015, you will be missed.

COUNTER POINT:Don’t Hate The Player, Hate The Game

On this day of our Lorde, September-ish 2016, we pay tribute to the greatest NoZe Brother the world has ever known. While the article about Bro. CocoNo-Ze Shrimp II’s legacy is still going through our legal team, we would like to talk about our Lorde Mayor Emeritus, Intelligent Design Foreverus, and neck beard extraordinaire.

Bro. ZeNo’Ze will be remembered for his quick wit, charming smile, and his inability to escape doing the graphic design work for the NoZe Brotherhood. Who now will fill the 36 eye-holes that you left in our hearts? Who will bake grandpappy’s Minnesota Soda bread at the mansion? Who will sit in the Baylor bowling alley and watch reruns of CW original series, instead of finishing an ad for Animal Birth Control for a Rope that was due last week? You may be gone brother, but our matching lower back tattoos will be forever.

Bro. ZeNo’Ze left this world doing what he loved, meth. Wait, no…math. Like philosophical math, like the really hard logic stuff. He didn’t die doing meth, he graduated with a degree in philosophy. Although to be fair, the meth would have been much better than the job market for a Baylor Philosophy major, but I digress. Bro. ZeNo’Ze is survived by his incredibly large rabbit (not a euphe-mism) and his firm baguette (still not a euphemism). Satchel on Bro. ZeNo’Ze Paradox, have fun baking cronuts in the sky!

Yours in Christ, Bro. CocoNoZe Shrimp IILorde MayorCunning Linguist Emeritus

In Mild Memory of Bro. ZeNo’Ze Paradox

ObituaryFor those we have lost and those we didn’t, may your evelescent soul transcend into the big gooey clouds in the sky.

Bring a satiracle article of 10,369 words or less...preferably much, much less. If the submission is deemed adequate and your phone number and GPA is written legibly on it, we may call you back. Eventually. But probably not. Oh! And remember to be funny.

9/11/16 4:21 Past Milk, Burleson Quad9/08/16 8:43 Pickle Melons, 7th and

James Baptist Church