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Is Forgiveness appropriate? Possible? To what purpose?Masonic tragedy at Paradise Park“It’s a hole with jagged edges. Over time

the edges may smooth out a little bit, but the hole in your heart, the hole in your soul is still there.” William Pettit, following a jury decision to impose the death penalty for the man convicted of killing his wife and two daughters in their home.

South Africa’s Truth & Reconciliation Commission.

A soul mate’s infidelity.

Apology and Forgivenesso Apology, if sincerely given, can open path

for: communicationrestoration of relationship

invite forgivenessNot necessarily linked dynamics Sometimes can be linked

Forgiveness: a definition by Christine BoeschForgiving is a wise, freely chosen option that

fosters the dignity of persons who forgive. It is a strength in relationship to the other a supplement to a pursuit for justice, and an expression of self-control over justifiably

angry and/or vengeful impulses.

ForgivenessIs not forgettingIs not exonerationForgiveness can be an act of

personal grace, a gift to oneself

Observations:The possibility of Forgiveness increases where there exists:Faith or religious values of forgivenessStrong ongoing interdependent relationships in

family, community, culture or countryCommunity or super-ordinate value of collective

good.Absence of intended or careless wrongHigh degree of personal dis-ease or dysfunction

Respect the emotions. Understand the values.

Ho’oponopono, a family processRespected Haku to lead the processPule (opening prayer, call to gods and family

guardians)Kukulukumuhana (Affirmation of purpose, importance

of shared values of family, privacy and harmony)Hala (Discussion of transgression, resulting

entanglements, reflection)Mihi (Apology)Kala ( Release or give forgiveness)Oki (Cut away, sever, never resurrect)Pule (Closing prayer)Pani (Rituals, sharing of food)

Christian ForgivenessEph 4:31-32 (Phi) Let there be no more bitter

resentment or anger, no more shouting or slander, and let there be no bad feeling of any kind among you. Be kind to each other, be compassionate. Be as ready to forgive others as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

Rom 12:17-21 (Phi) Don't pay back a bad turn by a bad turn, to anyone. See that your public behavior is above criticism. As far as your responsibility goes, live at peace with everyone. Never take vengeance into your own hands, my dear friends: stand back and let God punish if he will. For it is written: "It is mine to avenge, I will repay," says the Lord. And it is also written: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Don't allow yourself to be overpowered by evil. Take the offensive--overpower evil with good!

Christian ForgivenessColossians 3:13  bearing with one another

and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Buddhist ForgivenessTo forgive is to let go of feeling hurt, to give

up our grudges. To forgive means to extend goodwill to those that we feel are opposed to us, those who have offended us, those who have hurt us, those who don't like us, even those we regard as enemies. Forgiveness is truly an act of self-transformation. When we forgive we transform a negative mental state of resentment and anger into a positive mental state of goodwill.

Buddhist ForgivenessSo you practice forgiveness for your own sake, to not

be locked in anger, fear, and resentment. Resentment, whether cold fury or smoldering rage, hardens your emotions, narrows your options in responding to life, clouds your judgment, locks you out of experiencing the flow of life, shifts your attention from those who matter to you to those whom you disdain, and deadens your spirit. Why would you choose to live in this manner? It gives those who wronged you an even greater victory than their original act. You also embrace forgiveness practice as an act of selflessness, something that you can do to stop the seemingly endless cycle of hatred in the world. The Buddha said, "Hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate."

AMISH FORGIVENESS – A LESSON FOR THE REST OF US ?Jonathan KookerGeorgetown University Law Center

Multiple murder of 6 Amish schoolgirls, 2006The shooter, Carl Roberts, kills himself as

police approachAmish community values of non-violence and

non-aggression expresses immediate forgiveness

Amish - 2Grandfather, while standing next to the girl’s

dead body, instructed his grandsons, “We must not think evil of this man.” He went on to urge them to forgive Mr. Roberts.

An Amish delegation visited the Roberts family and told them, “Do not leave this area. Stay in your home here. We forgive this man.”

The same day the girls were killed, members of the Amish community met with the Roberts family to grieve with and console them.

Amish - 3Told ABC that Mrs. Roberts and her children

would not only be welcome in the community but also at the funerals of the girls.

Most notably, however, was the attendance of dozens of Amish at Mr. Roberts’ funeral.

Public Sentiment Varied:Two views Hatred is not always

wrong and forgiveness is not always deserved. I admire the Amish villagers’ resolve to live up to their Christian ideals even admit heartbreak, but how many of us would really want to live in a society in which no one gets angry when children are slaughtered?

There is a time to love and a time to hate, Ecclesiastes ...

If anything deserves to be hated, certainly it is the pitiless murder of innocents.

In my heart, I am wondering if [the Amish] are not giving a message to America at a time when we are so polarized and gripped by an ethos of violence.

I begin to dream of an attitude of forgiveness actually gripping our whole nation. I wonder if, as a nation, we did not miss the mark after the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001…

What if, instead of vengeance, we had spoken of grace and forgiveness? I believe now that such a response would have done much more to “shock and awe” our enemies than all the bombs and cruise missiles dropped in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Maybe our enemies might have had their hearts moved?

Dis-Ease and dysfunctionTangled braid of grief, anger, guilt, remorse,

self-blameFixation on loss and eventInability to change focusImmobilization and inability to functionLoss of energySleep disruptionKnot in stomachPhysical pain and discomfort

Physiological Impact of Stress, Grief, Anger and SorrowLoss of personal bond and supportStress of loss added to other life stressorsBody responses:

Increased production of CRH, an anxiety hormone Adrenaline to pump up the body ACTH and Cortizone to level off the ACTH. High

cortizone levels impacts immune system and decreases thalamus ability to produce effective white blood cells

Body becomes more susceptible to illness Continuing stress linked to cardiovascular ailments

Where the pain, anger and sense of loss causes individual stress, disease, disability, dysfunction or distraction, there exists an opportunity to transform or channel the pain and anguish toward productive and positive outcomes. With or without forgiveness.

Questions for MediatorsWhat is the proper role of a Mediator when

addressing the potential of forgiveness? Blend of Mediation Strategies: Facilitative,

Transformative, Evaluative, Social Network…To what purpose?For whose benefit?Should a Mediator “sell” the benefits of

forgiveness?When is it appropriate?

FORGIVING IN MEDIATION: WHAT ROLE? J. Wescoat Sandlin with thanks to MCP Mediator Jana Wolff

Forgiveness is a journey. Mediator is a companion on that journey from estrangement to hope.

Forgiveness, when offered, may build relationships making reconciliation possible.

Forgiveness has potential to de-escalate conflict and promote communication.

Forgiveness in Mediation-2People don't come to mediation seeking help with

forgiveness.“Time is precious, funds are limited … the

temptation to think of settlement rather than resolution as the goal militates against ideal outcomes. We do the best we can. Forgiving fades into the subconscious. Time constrains, compelling us to settle or fight. Some disputes may only be managed. Others may only be settled because there is neither an ongoing relationship between the parties nor a need or desire for there to be one. Yet there remains more than a function or role for forgiving, particularly in conflicts which cannot be settled with dollars.

Forgiveness in Mediation-3Forgiveness is part of a healing process. It

requires time. It isn't likely to be started or finished in mediation.

Forgiveness is not likely to be an early issue in mediation.

Forgiveness is not required for reaching settlement.

Settlement doesn't result in forgiveness.Forgiveness can serve two purposes: assist in

resolution and promote healing.

“I still have my moments of rage…. Suddenly this rage hit me. . . .I do have setbacks, even when I’m sure I want to forgive. That’s probably why I can’t handle that word “closure.” I get sick of hearing it. The first time someone asked me about closure was the day after Julie’s burial. Of course I was still in hell then. In a way, I still am. How can there ever be true closure? A part of my heart is gone . . .It’s a struggle, but it’s one I need to wage. In any case, forgiving is not something you just wake up one morning and decide to do. You have to work through your anger and your hatred as long as it’s there. You try to live each day a little better than the one before.”

-Bud Welsh, whose daughter, Julie, died in the Alfred P. Murrah

Building that was bombed by Timothy McVeigh on April 19, 1995.

ReferencesFORGIVING IN

MEDIATION: WHAT ROLE? J. Wescoat Sandlin, MEd, MDiv, JD, LLM Advanced Solutions Mediation & Conflict Management Service Box 1293 Charleston, South Carolina 29402

Ho’oponopono: Hawaiian Problem Solving, An Information Guide. Joyce Yukawa

Ho’oponopono: contemporary uses of a Hawaiian problem-solving process. Victoria E. Shook, University of Hawaii Press

The Art and Science of the Apology. Nina Meierding MS, JD Bainbridge Island, WA

AMISH FORGIVENESS – A LESSON FOR THE REST OF US ? Jonathan Kooker Georgetown University Law Center

QuotationsThe weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the

attribute of the strong.  ~Mahatma GandhiTo forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover

that the prisoner was you.  ~Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgiveness - The Power to Change the Past," Christianity Today, 7 January 1983 

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.  ~Harriet Nelson

“If I continued to hate that man, I would be giving him more power over me than he deserves. Forgiving him was a way to banish him from my soul.”

Quotations:2Forgiveness does not change the past, but it

does enlarge the future.  ~Paul Boese…in spite of what anyone had done to me and

in spite of any good fortune that may come their way, I would have the best life I could create. I told myself that no matter what happens to them (good, bad, or indifferent) it will have no bearing on whether I’m able to move through the hurt and come out the other side. Vivian Scott. Article on forgiveness. Mediate.com

Boesch Model for Supporting Forgiving in MediationDetermine History of the Conflict and Begin to

Build TrustUse anger as way to determine

underlying interestsExplore consequences of conflict upon

energy and focusTransition to future orientation, exploring

party values and perspective of what is fair outcome

Explore what has been tried and why not worked

Boesch Model-2Try to build an “other” orientation

(recognition and perspective)Highlight any common ground or

connection to lower alienationEstablish Commitment to Ground RulesEncourage openness to future oriented

options, avoid past-punishingGround rules to preserve dignity and

self-respect for all involved

Boesch Model-3Seek Resolutions and Agreements

Reframe issues, interests and needsEncourage positive attributionsEncourage appreciation for the complexities of

human behaviorAcknowledge efforts to gain control over angerIdentify what is needed for a fresh startPromote making offers and collaborations

between parties

Boesch Model-4After Settlement or Before Ending Mediation

Examine ways each party intends to keep matters in the past. Are there new purposes and goals?

Summarize what mediation accomplished beyond settlement or lack of agreement. What solid steps have been taken or achieved?

Boesch Model-5Follow up

Provide/make available resources on forgiveness, anger management, etc.

Recommend trained resources, referral

ExerciseForm a team of three personsTake a situation (See slide of examples)Apply the Boesch model and craft the steps,

statements and actions to address the potential of forgiveness

What would you do?What would you say?

Nine Steps to Forgiveness Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.1. Know exactly how

you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story..

Luskin’s 9 steps-24. Get the right

perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years ago.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

Luskin’s 9 steps -36. Give up expecting

things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the unenforceable rules you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.