the organ of the cambridge hash house harriers january 2015ch3.co.uk/content/docs/the herald january...

The Organ of the Cambridge Hash House Harriers

January 2015

Happy New Year!

Welcome from the Edithare Sometimes a joke takes on a life of its own. When my family gets together, we love to spend the evening sitting around campfire singing songs. And my aunt brought us a great one about a decade ago. It was an instant classic, complete with bears (since we’re Bairs), ridiculous hand motions and the ability to sing it as a round:

Benji met the bear. The bear met Benji. The bear was bulgy. The bulge was Benji.

Now, when faced with entertaining you lot after Moroccan Mole has been slinging beers at people for what seems like an eternity, I have to find ways to be creative and attention-‐getting. (Usually my boobs would be enough, but not even I can compete with Double Top’s magnificence!) “Benji Met the Bear” — especially with Bear standing around wearing his hat — seemed like a no-‐brainer that would have a life of about five minutes. The problem was, I picked a bashful Benji. (I AM SO SORRY, BENJI!!!) Benji disappeared. And Benji has been hard to spot since. Which means the driving question of the CH3 (besides “How would you like my finger in your ear?”) has become: WHERE THE HELL IS BENJI?!? So I ask Hashers everywhere: Have you seen the man at right? (Names, faces and species have been changed to protect the innocent.) Benji, as pictured, is hiding somewhere in this Herald — see if you can spot him! Why is he hiding? Because this issue is dedicated to bears, of course! (Although we bears ceded the front cover to Delilah in honour of the New Year!)

On On! Spicy Bear

The Herald welcomes volunteer scribes and edithares. We will provide templates and print the Herald. To sign up, or to turn in your run reports, visit the Herald Edithare webshite at http://herald.toedsh3-‐admin.com/index.php. (Toed Bedsores will give you a password.) Remember to produce your copy the month before the last Sunday of the previous month.

Here is a list of volunteers for this year’s Heralds:

• Feb Double Top 25 Jan • Mar Ferret 22 Feb • Apr B@stard 29 Mar • May Fannyrat 26 Apr • Jun Big Blouse 24 May • Jul Daffidildo 28 Jun • Aug Shamcock 26 Jul • Sep Moroccan Mole 30 Aug • Oct ??? 27 Sep • Nov ??? 25 Oct • Dec ??? 29 Nov • Jan ??? 27 Dec

“My spelling is Wobbly. It’s good spelling, but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.”

Winnie the Pooh

Run 1878 – Red Lion, Kirtling Green Hares – Ferret and Daffidildo Scribe – Doggy Style

Here is a cautious reminder my fellow half-‐minds, if you somehow get shanghaied into writing a run write-‐up: Bedsores computer program will harass you with e-‐mails until your will is broken! What can be said about the Red Lion at Kirtling Green? Good pub, who knows how the hares found it. It is nice when Daffy lays a trail with someone else, then I get a good lie-‐in on the Sunday morning. I am sure Ferret and Daffy spent hours and hours planning this run, but I can’t be arsed to remember any of it. Most likely it wasn’t raining, there were no drinks stops and I am sure there was whining afterward. The circle was held in front of the pub; Benghazi brought out trays of beers and down downs were dispensed! Then we all pissed off and went about our normal lives! Hugs and Kisses, Doggy Style PS: This had better satisfy Bedsores computer program or heads will roll.

How many horses’ arses can YOU identify in this Kirtling Green field?

‘Prince Chula of Siam’ aka Run 1881 – Haymakers, Chesterton Hares – Team America in the form of …

Moroccan Mole and Cruella de Hash Scribe – Shamcock Cambridge Hash is alive and well and declining in years, if the average age of yesterday’s participants could be added up … such a young and vibrant bunch which I’m very proud to report included that delightful old fart, Barty, still down downing his beer with skill and grace … Such words cannot be used with reference to the two hares from Team America. ‘Severely Jaded’ and ‘Under the Influence’ might be, descriptively, more accurate. They

clearly had been sampling too many of their ‘Chocco’ and ‘Orange Jello’ shots prior to the event. One can only trust that this was in search of superior quality control. At the other end of sense and sensibility, with reference to Team America, was our lonesome visitor, Eric, from Portland, Oregon. Clean and well shaven, he, unlike the hares, was a fine advertisement for his homeland but had never, as far as we could ascertain, been to Portland, Maine. Such is life. It turned out to be a bit of a ‘Poofta’ trail (laid in PINK flour) initially wandering around the outskirts of Chesterton. It was near here, outside the front door of Lloyd’s Bank at Mitcham’sCorner, that Team America, (including Daffy, who, when questioned, knew NOTHING about Prince Chula of Siam!!), utterly failed to educate CH3 about one of Cambridge’s most unusual and historically forgotten and bypassed tourist sites … by NOT having their first ‘Shot Stop’ there.

Shamcock doesn’t think CH3 will get any awards for its tour guide skills.

Ahem! Time for some education! What CH3 missed:

‘Nough said … Dumb Yanks!! Now back to the Chocco and Jello ‘Shots, finally found atop a non-‐descript car park somewhere downtown ... and Team America failed again. NO LIFT!! Somewhat revived by the ‘Shots’ (but still not as ragged as the hares) the pack then headed off into the dense throng of bemused tourists around Kings College Chapel who all thought we were escapees from Fulbourn … Sensibility was revived with strong Yankee whisky at ‘refreshment halt’ No. 2 in Christ’s Pieces … By this time our Virgin runner, Ian, and that sensible Yank from Portland (Oregon, NOT Maine!), Eric, were beginning to wobble and wonder just what they had done to deserve this avalanche of alcohol when they thought they were supposed to be on a Hash Run … More fool them. By this point, despite failing to achieve a valid ‘Tourism Certificate’ (see above), Team America was beginning to get on top of things … Their position as ‘All Round Good Fellas’ was finally confirmed by the provision of endless quantities of chocolate chip cookies and a steady supply of ‘Samuel Adams’ (he was some sort of Team America Hero apparently) fine ale at the final ‘Refreshment Halt’, just a slow stagger from The Haymakers … Beyond that, the Haymaker’s fine ‘Plum Porter’ and excessive quantities of ‘Pickled Pig’ finally reduced the attending hashers (young and old-‐well done Barty!!) into a babbling mass of out of tune gabblers and singers …

The “Doggie Fountain” in Honour and Remembrance of “Tony”, a DOG.

Let’s be fair, however … Ex RA Daffy, looked a right eejit playing with his new, bamboo, dual purpose oil lamp and hash tooter, and ‘Wrongway’ was clearly wondering what he had actually returned to … ??? Star performer?? Not Team America in any of its guises, rather our wonderous NEW GM, BIG BLOUSE … It’s going to be a great Hash Year!!! So say Shammy & U-Bend Edithare’s Note: Has anyone told Shamcock that Cruella is from Cornwall?

Name That Bear Can you match each picture of a bear below to his/her/its name?

Rupert

Paddington Bear

Bear/FBI

Pudsey

Spicy Bear

Winnie the Pooh

Mr Bear

Bear Grylls

Run 1884 – Bell, Wendens Ambo Hares – Oh La La, Double Top and Paparazzi Scribe – Antar NOW THEN, NOW THEN, having got the call to circle up, I was informed [bullied more like] By HIS MOST EXTEEMEDESNESS the GM that I was to be your scribe for the day, so here goes. First of all a quick note of historical interest. It was in this year that Britain stopped its policy of penal transportation to New South Wales. [Pity, I know a few I would like to send]. Anyway, enough of that as I`m no longer your most esteemed RA, I got fired from that job along with some others over the years. Back to the circle. The hares were introduced to the pack as normal [who they are I can`t remember and it`s gone from the website as well] [Well, the Edithare was able to find it — Spicy] and the CH3 signage was explained to Taxidermist any virgins and/or visitors who cared enough to show up, [if any]. So now with I’s dotted and the t’s crossed we gaily set out on our quest. Sad to say but my quest started extremely slowly and stayed that way so very quickly I was bringing up at the rear end of the pack, which is where I stayed so like the three monkeys I heard nothing, saw nothing, and everybody told me nothing, it stayed like this until the circle finished and the stand in RA [Fit But Dim] gave me his list of sinners which was no good

because I`ve lost it and the memory loss is all persuasive anyway. What follows is the TRUE ACCOUNT MI LUD with no added lies deceitfulness or indiscretions. IT WAS A GOOD TRAIL. [I think] Love you all, Antar

Over hill, over dale, Hashers hit the dusty trail … as we remembered the 100th anniversary of the start of World War I.

Shopping with Wrong Keys

Submitted by Toed Bedsores Yesterday, Wrong Keys was at his local Aldi store buying a large Bag of Pedigree dog food for Lily and Poppy and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind him asked if he had a dog. What did she think he had, an elephant? So, since he is retired and has little to do, on impulse he told her that no, he didn't have a dog, he was starting the Pedigree Diet again. He added that he probably shouldn't, because he ended up in hospital last time, but he had lost 2 stone before he woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IV's in both arms. He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and he was going to try it again. (Have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with his story.)

Horrified, she asked him if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him. He told her no, he stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit him. He thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wrong Keys is now banned from Aldi. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

How much bear would Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

He’d grill as much bear as a grill could bear if Bear Grylls could grill bears.

If you see Wrong Keys in Aldi, watch out!

Run 1886 – The Bull, Burrough Green

Hares – Daffidildo and Benghazi Scribe – Klinger WET WET WET! (It rained incessantly.) On arrival in the pub car park, a very strange sight appeared from the next car. Only the eyes were visible in the all-‐black rainwear. It was an Ebola outfit? Then appeared another one, which turned out to be Fraser. Next, shivering along with her dog Joey, was Just Give Me One. After that, among the assembled hashers was Duncan Disorderly again in his banana outfit. About 30 hashers were called to order by the GM Big Blouse. The in bounded Blowback with an excellent song and exercise routine, based on “Singing in the Rain,” to warm us up. Daffy announced that it would be a waste of time and effort to keep our feet dry — he was right! A well laid trail awaited (your scribe barely recognised most of it despite running at least half a dozen times from this venue. Woody Hollow managed to find the deepest water on trail, going in to almost crotch level (much to the amusement of daughter Just Give Me One, Midnight … and your scribe). A little further on, the Mad Monk got his Ebola outfit stuck on a ground-‐level bramble branch and crashed on to the muddy track. At the piss stop, freezing cans of American lager were on offer. Very appropriate, particularly for Muff Diver and your scribe who were dying for a pee! And there was nowhere to hide with leafless trees and ditches full of rainwater. Muff Diver said that he hoped to hold on until the pub (about 1½ miles away). I failed (pissing part on the track side and partially pissing my pants — due to my frozen fingertips). Due to the excessive rain, many hashers changed into dry clothes in the warmth of the pub bar, including Muff Diver who later got a down down for flashing. Remaining down downs inside the pub included:

• Midnight … (a local hasher who rarely runs with CH3) • Duncan Disorderly (for having a soggy knob to his banana outfit). • Blowback (for his earlier excellent song and exercise routine).

Special thanks were given to the hares for laying this trail in such atrocious wet conditions. RA for the day was last year’s one, Daffidildo, and Woody Hollow, as JM, stood in for GM. In summary, it was WET WET WET! Klinger

Klinger singing in the rain.

Fanuary

The renamed month of January where women let their fannies grow freely to raise money for gynaecological cancers. With the catchphrase "Wax is Wak, Bring Muff Back", Fanuary is similar in concept to Movember. Learn more at https://www.justgiving.com/Fanuary.

Runs for January 2015All runs start at 11 am (GM Please note) Latest details www.ch3.co.uk Hare raiser Doggy StyleRun No. 1892: 04-Jan-2015Poacher, Elsworth, CB23 4JSHares Hold It For Me Run No. 1893: 11-Jan-2015Wagon and Horses, Steeple Morden, SG8 0NJHares Big Blouse & Wimp Run No. 1894: 18-Jan-2015Fountain The, Soham, CB7 5DSHares Fit but Dim & Woody Hollow Run No. 1895: 25-Jan-2015T.B.A.Hares Dave the Rave

Grand Master - Big BlouseGrand Mattress - Spicey BearJoint Master - Daffidildo - Fit but DimJoint Mattresses - Doggy Style -Woody HollowReligious Advisor - Morrocan MoleVerger - Fit but DimHare Raiser - Doggy StyleEdit Hare - Toed BedsoresWeb Master - El Rave

Hash Cash - While Your Down ThereAssistant - DebonaireHash Stats - PedroBeer Master - BenghaziApprentice - MuthutuckerAssistants - Beerstop Song Master - B@stardHaberdash - Slaphead & BenghaziHash Horn - Muff Diver & Fit but DimHash Flash - Paparazzi & Pedro

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