the most important lesson in all of politics

7/21/2019 The Most Important Lesson in All of Politics

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About six months ago, I woke up in an empty house, just as I had for the past month. As

I smoked my first joint of the morning, I meandered through 8000 square feet of soulless

furniture, soaking in the vast emptiness of the ! rooms. I suppose living in this kind of

environment is prone to make a person depressed. I, however, had never been happier inside of

my family"s house.

#he first to leave had been my mother, who, when I was $ months old, pa%ked asuit%ase full of %ash from under the tempurpedi% mattress and abs%onded to &urope. #he next

to go was my step'brother, #rey, who had spent his whole life either beating me up or

pretending I didn"t exist. After graduating prep s%hool, he bree(ed through )arvard *aw due to

an intense affinity for lying. +or years, his talent for ignoring the truth kept his friends and family

from dubbing his equally intense probably geneti%- affinity for hard liquor a problem./ espite

his frequently problemati% attitude and lifestyle, he was always my father"s favorite be%ause at

least his %hoi%es were grown up./ #he third to leave was a%tually me, however, my leave of

absen%e from the family estate turned out to be temporary. After graduating from a tiny private

s%hool with a 1.2. degree in 3eneri%i(ed 2tudies, I followed in the footsteps of most of the

program"s alumni by remaining unemployed and moving ba%k in with my dad. #wo days later,

the 2upreme 4ourt ruled that age restri%tions on 5residential %andidates were un%onstitutional,

and my dad announ%ed that my 6! year old step'brother was running for 5resident. 7ith help

from my dad"s %ompany, the multi'billion dollar #ampler edia 3roup, #rey had qui%kly be%ome

a shoo'in for the 9epubli%an nomination. *eft to my own devi%es with no job prospe%ts and

virtually unlimited %ash, I had done my best to %hange the atmosphere of the house. Instead of

the ha(e of unmet expe%tations and bitterness that usually suffo%ated the home"s :i%torian

frame, I made a point to fill the pla%e with the %larity of marijuana smoke and old %artoons, the

two things that made me happiest.

#he day began just like any other; I pulled on some sweatpants, lit up a joint at the

kit%hen %ounter and devoured a box of Apple <a%ks with 6= milk. >n #:, a plasti%y woman with

pinned up %heeks was saying something about my step'brother and a bridge, probably anotherribbon %utting. I didn"t feel like seeing a pompous drunkard wield giant s%issors, so I flipped to a

%hannel playing 2uperman %artoons. I smiled when I saw that they were playing the old ?@0s

shorts where 4lark Bent %hanges in a phone booth and saves *ois *ane from the :illain of the

7eek. &ven though she almost died every ?? minutes, I always found it diffi%ult to sympathi(e

with *ois. If she would just relax and let some other ex%itable journalist ta%kle some of the more

dangerous assignments, she wouldn"t need a %aped %rusader to %ome to res%ue her; in a

sense, she"d be res%uing herself.

uring my 6nd joint, rd %artoon and th bowl of Apple <a%ks, an unfamiliar sound %ame

from the normally tranquil front yard. 2%ree%hing tires drowned out the familiar narration about

C#he Ama(ing 2tranger from the planet Brypton." A loud %rash reverberated through house,

shaking the #: just enough to distort the pi%ture. *it joint in hand, I walked out onto the terra%e;sure enough, there was my father"s bla%k 1eemer flipped on its side, smashed into the oak'

paneling of the garage door. I took another pull from the burning paper between my fingers,

des%ended the exterior stairs and stepped out into the driveway. #he gravel s%raped the

bottoms of my feet.



#his s%ene played out a few times every year. ad bought 17s be%ause they were easy to

repla%e/ but had pretty good safety features./ After a few se%onds of silen%e, I %alled out,

ad...ya goodD/

+u%king dandy/ shrilled an irate voi%e from inside the %ar. 7hile I gingerly trod a%ross the

minefield of pointy ro%ks, the ba%k of the %ar ignited, so I %hanged dire%tion to grab the fireextinguisher from the garage. 7hile I looked for a tank, an impe%%ably pressed bla%k suit

%limbed out of the burning wre%kage and plopped easily onto the gravel.

7e"ve got to get this damn driveway paved. #hese are %alf skin shoes and I"m still being

tortured./ )is glan%e shifted to me, fire extinguisher in one hand, joint in the other.

3et rid of that stupid thing, we don"t have time for that right now./

I dropped the extinguisher to the ground and followed him into the house. )e muttered

swears to himself as his +erragamos shuffled from the marble tiling of the foyer to the maple

parquet of the living room. At last, they found a %omfortable resting pla%e in front of the fren%h

la%quer liquor %abinet. I swit%hed off between the joint and spoonfuls of %ereal while he poured

himself an infuriated glass of %ogna%.

ad, it"s @ A, shouldn"t you hold off/

2on, you"re 6, shouldn"t you have a jobD/

I took a long draw from the spliff while he kno%ked ba%k a solid two shots of brandy. #his

was followed by a deli%ate silen%e whi%h I hapha(ardly broke after a few un%omfortable

se%onds.

2o, what brings you homeD oesn"t #rey have rallies along the &ast 4oast this weekD/

Eour brother is no longer running for 5resident./

y dad rose from the settee and reintrodu%ed the bottle to his snifter until the ornate

floral et%hings on the side were drowned in a %aramel liquid.

Eou mean #rey droppedD/

Ees, off a bridge. #hat drunk little shithead drove right through the guardrail.

At that moment, an odd feeling swept over me, but it was not the strong sense of

anguish I was expe%ting. As awful as it sounds, I think I felt relieved that I would never have tosee #rey again. I suppose that might make me a bad person, but my step'brother, mu%h like my

father, had a perpetually abusive personality that made it diffi%ult to miss him. 3od only knows

what %ould have happened if he"d won the ele%tion. Although my dad was %learly feeling a

mixture of emotions, he appeared to be drinking out of anger mu%h more than out of grief. All of

this made me ponder my own mortality, and hope to heaven that the thought of my death would

never make anyone smile.



*ost in my thoughts, I didn"t noti%e the bottle of brandy go from mostly full to half empty

until the ember from my joint rea%hed my finger and singed me, making me painfully aware of

my surroundings. y father had been o%%upying himself in the silen%e by staring into his now'

empty snifter, then ba%k at me as I lit another joint.

Eou know what"s even more tragi% than death, sonD 7asted money. If only there were another

%andidate who %ould run in his pla%e. 1ut where %ould I find someone with name re%ognition

and nothing to do for the next yearsD/

I qui%kly reali(ed what he was implying, but I didn"t want to answer. I puffed my joint

again to avoid giving a response. y dad saw the fear a%ross my fa%e and tried to

simultaneously %onsole and persuade me.

Eou don"t have to give up smoking, if that"s what you"re worried about, we %an keep it under

wraps. Eou don"t have to do anything besides wear a suit and read a teleprompter with good

di%tion. 1esides, do you reali(e what you %ould legali(e on%e you were in offi%eD/

I looked down at the burning obje%t in my hand and knew what I needed to do. 2o, after

a qui%k trip to my dealer"s pla%e and a F?0,000 trip to 1rooks 1rothers, I was on a jet to

7ashington, 4 to meet with my new %ampaign staff. I had no idea what was going on most of

the time I was there, but my father assured me that I didn"t need to understand the ra%e, I

needed to win the ra%e.

At first I was nervous that I wouldn"t even win the primaries be%ause they happened only

two weeks after I announ%ed my %andida%y, but the publi% was very re%eptive to my youth, my

vigor and my last name. uring those ? days, I gave the same spee%h about #he 3reatnessof Ameri%a/ 6! times. I was also a guest on ?6 different talk shows whi%h were tangentially

owned by the #ampler edia 3roup. Initially, I was s%ared that some of the hosts would give me

a hard time for enrolling late and possessing absolutely no qualifi%ations, but somehow that

never %ame up. Instead, they stu%k to a pre'written s%ript very %lose to the flash%ards I studied

with my dad before ea%h interview.

Eour brother"s deathD/ ' eeply saddened/

Eour religious ba%kgroundD' eeply rooted/

emo%ratsD/ ' eeply disturbed/

#he %ampaign staff also %reated a list of keywords/ for me to memori(e. &very time I spoke inpubli%, I was to in%lude at least one of the followingG +amily values, 4hristian morals, *iberal

extremists or )ard'working Ameri%ans./ Although I felt that the keyword/ strategy restrained my

%reativity, I noti%ed that when I stu%k to those phrases, the %rowds went absolutely wild. #hey

also, for some reason, loved it when I made dirgeful %ommentary on international tragedies. #o

fa%ilitate my frequently foggy memory, my %ampaign staff started summari(ing key news items



for me in easy'to'remember senten%es. +or example, after a subway %ar derailed in 1ar%elona,

killing the the o%%upants and a bystander, my father and I repeated ba%k and forthG

#he 2lain in 2pain were mainly on the #rain/

Although my whirlwind %ampaign was largely su%%essful, the frontrunner in the daysleading up to the primaries was a% 2willabby, a religious fundamentalist and 5ork 9ind

#y%oon. &ven the polls run by my father"s networks showed a% several points ahead of me.

7ith only 6 hours until the first primary, it looked as though my politi%al %areer was over. 1ut

then, out of nowhere %ame what was only known as C#he 5hotograph." #he image in question

was a blurry photo%opy of a polaroid, whi%h appeared to show 2willabby in a %ompromising

position with a hog. Hobody seemed to be sure who took it or even whether it was real, but the

media was ruthless. #he pi%ture itself was qui%kly removed +a%ebook and formally banned from

#: broad%asts, but it was too late for ol" a%. #he image was indelibly imprinted into the minds

of voters, whether they had a%tually seen it or only heard about it. >n the morning of the first

primary, the entire situation was pithily summed up by the front page of the Hew Eork #imes;

C5otential 5resident 5orks his 5orkD 5oll 5roje%tions 5lummet""

In %ase it wasn"t obvious, I won in a landslide.

If the primaries had been a whirlwind, the a%tual ele%tion was a super%ell tornado.

2wirling around me in all dire%tions were %li%hed spee%hes, generi% promises, and FJ,000 plates

of fundraising food whi%h just made me want a 7hopper and some onion rings. 4ameras

followed me everywhere, many of them atta%hed to Iphones. I was asked to pose for no fewer

than ?0,000 selfies, and unwittingly parti%ipated in many others. #he republi%an party was

thrilled to have su%h a dominant so%ial media presen%e. +or the first time, the demo%rati%

nominee"s hashtags were trending less often than the republi%an %andidate"s.

#he ra%e was ne%k and ne%k in the months leading up to Hovember. 1e%ause people

had stopped %aring about the issues around <uly, my opponent and I spent the better part of the

last four months trying to make one another look bad. y demo%rati% %ompetition was )ope

arling, a tabloid heiress whose father was also very well %onne%ted. >ur %amps took turns

exposing/ the opposition for the dirty %rooks we weren"t. +irst, she said I had a bad voting

re%ord/ whi%h she took ba%k after reali(ing I had never held offi%e. #hen, one of her little

papara((o published a photo of me smoking a joint, whi%h %reated a strong initial ba%klash.

)owever, the publi% essentially forgot about that when one of my father"s news stations dug up

a photo of a young arling at a neo'na(i rally. 2oon we were %4arthying ea%h other with anti'

patriotism a%%usations, eventually %ulminating in a yo'mamma/ fight during the penultimatedebate. 1y the time we were approa%hing the a%tual ele%tion, the trending tweet for the

up%oming final debate was K%hildish.



#he night before the final debate, my father and I went to an expensive +ren%h restaurant for

what he said would be a very spe%ial meal./ #he %afe itself was massive, but the building was

almost entirely empty. In the %enter of the %he%kerboard floor sat table %overed in a fine purple

%loth. 2eated at the table were none other than )ope arling and her father, #rip arling.

)aving no %lue as to what was going on, I followed my dad to the table, were I sat dire%tly

a%ross from the woman who had started a formal rebuttle in last week"s debate with Eomamma"s so fatL/

Bids, frankly, the two of you are embarrassments to our respe%tive families. #herefore, we have

de%ided to end this silly little ele%tion in order to preserve what"s truly important, our last names.

How take a few pa%es, and draw.

)ope and I looked at ea%h other horrified. Heither of us wanted to fire physi%al shots at one

another. #hat"s when my father %leared his throat and %larifiedG

7e mean, you kids need to play 9o%k, 5aper, 2%issors. *oser drops out. 7inner gets to be

president./

As I looked into the eyes of the other potential %hief exe%utive of the Mnited 2tates, I had only

one question; %ould she tell I was obviously a s%issors guyD

#hat night, I learned what is apparently the most important lesson in all of politi%s.

Hobody expe%ts a s%issors guy to throw paper.

the most important lesson in all of politics

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