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The Marvelous Land of Oz

Scene 1 At the bend in the road, a little way from his house, TIP is putting the finishing touches to his PUMPKINHEAD, a man he has constructed out of saplings, bark, wooden pegs, and a carved pumpkin for a head. A pile of clothes lies nearby. TIP. Now that is really a very fine man! It’ll be even more lifelike when it’s properly dressed. (TIP picks up purple trousers, a red shirt, and a pink vest dotted with white spots. He puts them on Pumpkinhead and dances with delight.) I must give him a name! (Thinks) I believe I will name the fellow Jack Pumpkinhead! {Sees MOMBI hobbling home as fast as she can, and hides} Mombi will squeal louder than a pig when she sees him! MOMBI {Nods at Pumpkinhead} Good evening, sir. {Notices the head} Heh! That rascally Tip has been playing tricks again! The thankless boy! Didn’t I raise him and care for him all these years? I’ll beat him black and blue for trying to scare me! {Raises her stick to smash the head. Pauses} Why, here’s a good chance to try my new Powder of Life! {Fumbles in her basket} Here it is! {Sprinkles powder over Jack’s head, lifts her left hand with little finger pointed upward} Weaugh! {Lifts her right hand with the thumb pointed upward} Teaugh! {Lifts both hands with all the fingers and thumbs spread out} Peaugh! JACK {steps back a pace}. Do you think I’m deaf? MOMBI. He lives! He lives! {Throws her stick in the air, catches it, hugs herself, doing a jig} He lives! He lives! {Hears TIP laughing} You naughty, sneaking, wicked boy! I’ll teach you to spy out my secrets and to make fun of me! TIP. I was laughing at old Pumpkinhead! What are you going to do with him, now he’s alive? MOMBI. I must think it over. {To Tip} Help the Pumpkinhead to walk. JACK. I can walk as well as you can. {The three of them walk to, and enter the house. In one corner there is a door, like a cell door, with a window and railings. MOMBI puts JACK in the cell and locks the door} MOMBI {nods her head at Tip} Build a fire! {TIP does, while MOMBI measures out equal parts of milk and vinegar and pours them into a kettle. Next she produces several packets of herbs and powders and adds a portion of each to the kettle} TIP. What is that for?

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MOMBI. For you. {Puts the kettle on the fire and stirs it.} TIP. What’ll it do to me? MOMBI. If it’s properly made it will transform you into a marble statue. TIP. I don’t want to be a marble statue! Why don’t you change me into a goat, or a chicken? You can’t do anything with a marble statue. MOMBI. I’m going to plant a flower garden and put you in the middle of it, for an ornament. You’ve been a bother to me for years. {Lifts the kettle off the fire} You cannot drink it until it has become quite cold. I’ll call you at daybreak. {Hobbles to her room, taking the kettle. Closes and locks her door.} TIP. No boy could have any fun forever standing in the middle of a flower garden! I’ll run away, that’s what I’ll do! {MOMBI starts to snore. TIP goes to the closet and finds some crusts of bread} No use starting on a journey without food! {He searches Mombi’s basket, finds cheese and the box containing the Powder of Life} I may as well take this with me or Mombi’ll be using it to make more mischief with. {Puts bread, cheese and box in his pocket. Walks over to cell, unlocks door. To Jack:} Come on! JACK. Where to? TIP. South, to the Emerald City!

Scene 2 TIP and JACK on the road. TIP sits down to rest on an old saw-horse. JACK tries to sit, his joints give way, and he clatters to the ground. JACK lifts him to his feet, straightens his arms and legs, and feels his head. TIP. You’d better remain standing. It seems the safest way. {Sits.} JACK. What is that thing you’re sitting on? TIP. This is a horse. JACK. What’s a horse? TIP. A real horse trots and prances and eats oats. JACK. If it were alive, would this horse trot, and prance, and eat oats? TIP. It can’t ever be alive, because it’s made of wood. JACK. So am I.

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TIP. Why, so you are! And the magic powder that brought you to life is here in my pocket. {Brings out the pepper-box} I wonder if it would bring the saw-horse to life? JACK. If it would I could ride on its back, and that would save my joints from wearing out. TIP. I’ll try it! {Sprinkles some of the magic powder on the saw-horse. Lifts his hand} Weaugh! {Lifts his right hand, with the thumb pointing up} Teaugh! {Lifts both hands above his head, with all the fingers and thumbs spread out} Peaugh! {The SAW-HORSE stretches its legs, yawns, and shakes itself.} JACK {to Tip}. You are a very clever sorcerer! {The SAW-HORSE rolls his eyes, trying to look at himself. He circles around and around on stiff, awkward legs and bumps against JACK, who falls.} TIP. Whoa! Whoa, there! {SAW-HORSE continues to prance, bringing one of its legs down on Tip’s foot. TIP dances away in pain.} Whoa! Whoa, I say! JACK. I don’t believe the animal can hear you. TIP. How, then, am I going to stop him? {SAW-HORSE comes close to Tip to observe him. TIP pats his head} Good boy! I must find a halter for him. {Produces a roll of strong cord from his pocket, unwinds it, and ties the cord around the Saw-Horse’s neck, fastening the other end to a tree. SAW-HORSE steps back and snaps the string} He’s stronger than I thought! JACK. Why don’t you make him some ears? TIP. That’s a splendid idea! {Gets out his knife and fashions some ears out of the bark of a tree} Will you hold the horse while I stick them on? {Helps JACK to his feet.) JACK holds the HORSE’S head while Tip inserts the ears. JACK. They make him look very handsome. {SAW-HORSE bounds forward at the sound, tumbling TIP on one side and JACK on the other.} TIP. Whoa! Whoa! {SAW-HORSE steps into a hole and stumbles to the ground, where it lies on its back, waving its four legs in the air} You’re a nice sort of a horse, I must say! Why didn’t you stop when I yelled ‘whoa’? SAW-HORSE. Does ‘whoa’ mean to stop? TIP. Of course it does. SAW-HORSE. And a hole in the ground means to stop, also, doesn’t it? What am I doing here, anyway? I don’t seem to be just right, someway.

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TIP. You’re upside down. SAW-HORSE. How many sides have I? TIP. Several. But do keep those legs still. {Rolls him over and sets him upright.} SAW-HORSE. Ah, I seem all right now. TIP {Helps JACK up} We are all going on a journey to the Emerald City, to see His Majesty the Scarecrow, and Jack Pumpkinhead is going to ride on your back. {Helps JACK to get on the horse.} JACK. What shall I hold on to? TIP cuts a short limb from a tree and using a rock hammers it in behind the Horse’s head. SAW-HORSE. Stop! Stop! TIP. Does it hurt? SAW-HORSE. Not exactly hurt, but it makes me quite nervous to be jarred. TIP. Well, it’s all over now. Jack, hold fast to this post. Get-up! {HORSE walks forward with TIP by his side} We ought to be at the Emerald City by noon if no accidents happen. Get-up! {HORSE goes faster} Trot! {HORSE goes very fast. TIP tries to keep up. He can’t and falls. The HORSE and JACK are gone. TIP chases them} Whoa! Whoa!

Scene 3 The yellow brick road, leading up to a high wall of green stone, studded thick with emeralds. JACK and the SAW-HORSE enter at a gallop. JACK. Whoa! {SAW-HORSE stops} That was a fast ride! {Turns and discovers that TIP is not there.} We’ve lost Tip! A door opens in the wall and the GUARDIAN of the Gates, clothed all in green and wearing green spectacles, comes out and bows to Jack. GUARDIAN. I am the Guardian of the Gates of the Emerald City. May I inquire who you are, and what is your business? JACK. My name is Jack Pumpkinhead, but as to my business, I haven’t the least idea in the world what it is. GUARDIAN. What are you, a man or a pumpkin?

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JACK. Both, if you please. GUARDIAN. And this wooden horse—is it alive? {HORSE winks at Jack and brings one leg down on the Guardian’s toes} Ouch! I’m sorry I asked that question. But the answer is most convincing! A SOLDIER, clothed in a green uniform, with green whiskers to his knees, enters. GUARDIAN. Here is a strange gentleman who doesn’t know why he has come to the Emerald City. What shall we do with him?

SOLDIER. I must take him to His Majesty, the Scarecrow. So put the spectacles on this fellow, and I’ll take him to the royal palace. GUARDIAN {Opens a big box of spectacles and tries to fit a pair to Jack’s eyes} His head is so big that I shall be obliged to tie the spectacles on. {Does so.} JACK. But why need I wear spectacles? SOLDIER. They will keep you from being blinded by the gorgeous Emerald City. JACK. I don’t wish to be blinded! SAW-HORSE. Nor I! {The GUARDIAN fastens spectacles over the Horse’s eyes.}

Scene 4 The SCARECROW, dressed in a suit of faded blue, stuffed with straw, his head a small sack also stuffed with straw, sits on a throne. He wears gloves with long fingers, padded with cotton. Straw sticks out from his neck and boot-tops. He wears a golden crown thick with sparking jewels. JACK enters, accompanied by the SOLDIER. JACK and the SCARECROW stare at one another. SCARECROW. Where on earth did you come from, and how do you happen to be alive? JACK. I beg your Majesty’s pardon, but I don’t understand your language. I am a foreigner, from the Country of the Gillikins. SCARECROW. I myself speak the language of the Munchkins. You, I suppose, speak the language of the Pumpkinheads? JACK. Exactly so, Your Majesty, so it will be impossible for us to understand one another. SCARECROW. We must have an interpreter. JACK. What is an interpreter?

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SCARECROW. A person who understands both my language and your own. {To the Soldier} Find someone who understands the language of the Gillikins and of the Emerald City and bring that person to me at once! {SOLDIER bows and departs} Won’t you take a chair while we are waiting? JACK. Your Majesty forgets that I cannot understand you. {SCARECROW rolls an armchair behind Jack. Gives him a push. JACK sits.} SCARECROW. You seem hastily made. JACK. Not more so than your Majesty. SCARECROW. There is this difference between us, that whereas I will bend, but not break, you will break, but not bend. SOLDIER returns leading JELLIA by the hand. She has green eyes and hair and is dressed all in green with sparkling emeralds. SCARECROW. Why, it’s little Jellia Jamb! {JELLIA bows her head} Do you understand the language of the Gillikins, my dear? JELLIA. Yes, your Majesty. SCARECROW. Then you shall be our interpreter. Ask him, to begin with, what brought him to the Emerald City. JELLIA. You are certainly a wonderful creature. Who made you? JACK. A boy named Tip. SCARECROW. What does he say?

JELLIA. He says that your Majesty’s brains seem to have come loose. SCARECROW. What a fine thing it is to understand two different languages! Ask him, my dear, if he has any objection to being put in jail for insulting the ruler of the Emerald City. JACK. I didn’t insult you! SCARECROW. Tut-tut! Wait until Jellia translates my speech. JELLIA. His Majesty inquires if you are hungry. JACK. Oh, not at all! It is impossible for me to eat. SCARECROW. It’s the same way with me. What did he say, Jellia, my dear?

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JELLIA. He asked if you were aware that one of your eyes is painted larger than the other. JACK. Don’t believe her, your Majesty! SCARECROW. Oh, I don’t. Are you quite certain you understand the languages of both the Gillikins and the Munchkins? JELLIA. Quite certain, your Majesty. SCARECROW. Then how is it that I seem to understand them myself? JELLIA. Because they are one and the same! In all the land of Oz but one language is spoken! JACK. I thought we must surely speak different languages, since we came from different countries. SCARECROW. That should be a warning to you never to think. It seems to me that your manufacturer spoiled some good pies to create an indifferent man. JACK. I assure your Majesty that I did not ask to be created. SCARECROW. It was the same in my case. And so, as we differ from all ordinary people, let us become friends! JACK. With all my heart!

Scene 5 A road. Sitting by the roadside is GENERAL JINJUR, a girl in a green blouse fastened by four buttons, blue, yellow, red and purple, and a skirt in four colors: blue in front, yellow at left, red at the back, and purple on the right. A lunch basket stands beside her and she holds a dainty sandwich in one hand and a hard-boiled egg in the other. TIP runs in and is about to ask for a share of the food. JINJUR. Help yourself if you’re hungry. TIP {Takes a sandwich and eats hungrily} Thank you! May I ask your name? JINJUR. I am General Jinjur. TIP. What sort of a General? JINJUR. I command the Army of Revolt in this war. TIP. Oh! I didn’t know there was a war.

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JINJUR. You were not supposed to know it. We have kept it a secret. TIP. Where is your army? JINJUR. About a mile from here. This is the day we are to conquer His Majesty the Scarecrow! TIP. Why? JINJUR. Because the Emerald City has been ruled by men long enough.

TIP. But war is a terrible thing. JINJUR. This war will be pleasant. {Stands, brushes the crumbs from her skirt} It’s time for me to go. You may join us if you like. JINJUR marches off with TIP following, carrying her basket.

Scene 6 Outside the gates to the Emerald City. JINJUR and her escort of three GIRL SOLDIERS marches in, followed by TIP. Each girl has a different color strip in the front of their skirts—one red, one yellow, and one purple. All have green blouses, with the top button matching the front strip of the skirt. Through the knots of their hair, they each have two long, glittering knitting needles. The GUARDIAN OF THE GATES comes forward. GUARDIAN. Good morning, my dears! What can I do for you? JINJUR. Surrender instantly! GUARDIAN. Surrender? I never heard of such a thing in my life! GIRL 1. Still, you must surrender! GIRL 2. We are revolting! GUARDIAN. You don’t look it. GIRL 3. But we are! JINJUR. And we mean to conquer the Emerald City. GUARDIAN. What a nonsensical idea! Go home to your mothers! It’s a dangerous thing to conquer a city! GIRL 1. We aren’t afraid!

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GUARDIAN rings the bell for help. The GIRLS surround him and jab him with their needles. GUARDIAN. Mercy! Mercy! JINJUR removes the bunch of keys from around his neck. The SOLDIER with the green whiskers emerges and stands before the gates. SOLDIER. Halt! {Points his gun at JINJUR.} JINJUR. Would you shoot me? SOLDIER. My gun isn’t loaded. GIRLS. Hooray! {They run toward the Soldier.} SOLDIER and GUARDIAN run in with the girls in pursuit. TIP follows.

Scene 7 The Throne Room. The SCARECROW and JACK are playing quoits when the SOLDIER runs in, followed by TIP. SOLDIER. Oh, your Majesty, your Majesty! The city is conquered! SCARECROW. This is quite sudden! Who has conquered me? SOLDIER. A regiment of girls, gathered from the four corners of the Land of Oz! They intend to make a rag carpet of your outside and stuff their sofa cushions with your insides! SCARECROW. It will be wise then for me to consider a means of escape. JACK. Where can you go?

SCARECROW. Why, to my friend, the Tin Woodman, who rules over the Winkies. I am sure he will protect me. JACK {Has been looking out the window) The palace is surrounded by the enemy. They will soon tear you to pieces. SCARECROW. Please excuse me while I pause and reflect. JACK. We also are in danger! If any of these girls understand cooking, my end is not far off! SCARECROW. They’re too busy to cook, even if they know how. Where is the Saw-Horse you rode here?

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JACK. Why, I said he was a jewel, and so your man locked him up in the royal treasury. SOLDIER. It was the only place I could think of, your Majesty. SCARECROW. Has the animal been fed? SOLDIER. I gave him a heaping peck of sawdust. SCARECROW. Bring the horse here at once! TIP enters as the SOLDIER exits. JACK hurries toward him. JACK. I’m glad to see you here! That terrible Saw-Horse ran away with me! TIP. Did you get hurt? Are you cracked at all? JACK. No, I arrived safely, and his Majesty has been very kind indeed to me. Your Majesty, this is my noble parent! TIP bows to the Scarecrow. SCARCROW. How do you do? I suppose your horse can run? TIP. He can indeed! SCARECROW. Then bearing us upon his back he must make a dash through the ranks of the rebels and carry us to my friend the Tin Woodman. TIP. He can’t carry four! SOLDIER returns, leading the SAW-HORSE. SCARECROW. He may be induced to carry three. {Placing a hand on the SOLDIER’s shoulder} I shall have to leave my Royal Army behind. SOLDIER. I expected this blow, but I can bear it. I shall disguise myself by cutting off my lovely green whiskers. SCARECROW. Now, my boy, you must mount first. TIP mounts and the SOLDIER and the SCARECROW hoist JACK up behind him. SCARECROW {to Soldier} Bring that bell pull and tie us all together. {SOLDIER does as he’s asked} It is well for me to be careful, for my very existence is in danger. JACK. I have to be as careful as you do.

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SCARECROW. If anything happened to me that would be the end of me. But if anything happened to you, they could use you for seed. {To Soldier:} Now throw open the gates and we will make a dash to liberty or to death! TIP {To Saw-Horse:} Run as fast as you can for the gate of the city, and don’t let anything stop you! SAW-HORSE. All right! {Speeds away.} Desired effects: speed, bounding across obstacles, shouts to stop, perhaps flying knitting needles, friends trying to remain mounted, hard landing and fall.

Scene 8 JACK lies headless upon the ground. His head floats in a nearby pond. The SCARECROW’s legs look plump and round, while his upper body looks like an empty sack. TIP sees Jack’s head and uses a stick to draw it to him. He puts the pumpkin on Jack’s head. JACK. Dear me! What a dreadful experience! TIP rearranges the straw in the Scarecrow. JACK {Wiping his wet head with a handkerchief} I wonder if water is liable to spoil pumpkins? TIP. I’ve never noticed that water spoils pumpkins, unless the water happens to be boiling. {Gives the Scarecrow’s face a final adjustment.} SCARECROW. Thank you very much. {Looks around} Why, this is where the Winged Monkeys captured and bound us, and flew away with little Dorothy! JACK. Do Winged Monkeys ever eat pumpkins? SCARECROW. I don’t know, but you have little cause to worry, for the Winged Monkeys are now the slaves of Glinda the Good. How delighted I shall be to see my old friend the Tin Woodman again! I hope that he rules his people more successfully than I have ruled mine! SAW HORSE. Is the Tin Woodman the Emperor of the Winkies? SCARECROW. Yes, indeed. They invited him to rule over them soon after the Wicked Witch was destroyed. An aged WINKIE, dressed in a uniform of silver cloth, enters. SCARECROW. Show us at once your master, the Emperor!

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WINKIE. The Emperor is not receiving this morning. SCARECROW. I hope nothing has happened to him. WINKIE. This is his Majesty’s day for being polished, and just now his august presence is thickly smeared with putz-pomade. SCARECROW. I’m sure the Emperor will receive us, even in his present state. The TIN WOODMAN enters hurriedly, rattling and clanking, and wiping off the putz-pomade. WOODMAN. I saw you through the window and couldn’t believe my eyes! What a great surprise! {Embraces the Scarecrow} My dear old friend! How delighted I am to meet you once again! SCARECROW {Emerges from the embrace covered in pomade} Dear me! What a mess I’m in! WOODMAN. I’ll send you to my Imperial Laundry, and you’ll come out as good as new. But tell me, how came your Majesty here? And who are your companions? SCARECROW. Young Tip, and Jack Pumpkinhead. TIP and JACK bow to the Woodman. WOODMAN. I hope you are enjoying good health? JACK. I am in constant terror of the day when I shall spoil. WOODMAN. Nonsense! Before your head has time to spoil you can have it canned! {To Scarecrow:} Have you noticed anything different about me? {SCARECROW looks him over, sees nothing. WOODMAN indicates his chest} Observe this engraved star upon my left breast. It not only indicates where my heart lies, but covers very neatly the patch made by the Wonderful Wizard when he placed it in my breast! But tell me, are your subjects happy and contented, my dear friend? SCARECROW. The girls of Oz have risen in revolt and driven me out of the Emerald City. WOODMAN. What a calamity! TIP. I heard some of them say that they intend to march here and capture the castle and city of the Tin Woodman. WOODMAN. We will go at once and recapture the Emerald City! SCARECROW. How large an army can you assemble?

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WOODMAN. We do not need an army. We four, with the aid of my gleaming axe, are enough to strike terror into the hearts of the rebels. JACK. We five. WOODMAN. Five? JACK. Yes, the Saw-Horse is brave and fearless. WOODMAN {Noticing the Saw-Horse for the first time} I begin to think that wonders will never cease! How came this creature alive? TIP. I did it with a magic powder. SCARECROW. He enabled us to escape the rebels. WOODMAN. Then we must surely accept him as a comrade! Does he know anything? SAW-HORSE. I seem to learn very quickly. WOODMAN. Let us quickly make preparations to start upon our journey!

Scene 9 A road. Enter the WOODMAN, bearing a gleaming axe, followed by JACK riding the SAW-HORSE, with TIP and SCARECROW on either side making sure he doesn’t fall off. WOODMAN stops. WOODMAN. Something very curious has happened. I ought to know every step of this journey, and yet I fear we have lost our way. SCARECROW. Why do you think, my dear friend, that we have gone astray? WOODMAN. I never saw this field before in all my life. Every stalk in the field of sun flowers bears a gigantic sunflower in vivid hues of red and gold, whirling like miniature wind-mills and dazzling the vision of the travelers so they don’t know which way to turn. TIP. It’s witchcraft! WOODMAN utters a cry of impatience and advances with a swinging axe. The sunflowers suddenly stop as a girl’s face appears in the center of each flower. The flowers burst out laughing. TIP {To Woodman} Stop! Stop! They’re alive! They’re girls!

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The flowers begin whirling again, and the faces fade away. SCARECROW. They looked to me strangely like the faces of the Army of Revolt. TIP. I believe it’s magic and that someone is playing a trick upon us. I’ve known old Mombi do things like that before. Probably it’s nothing more than an illusion, and there are no sunflowers here at all. WOODMAN. Then let us shut our eyes and walk forward. SCARECROW. My eyes aren’t painted shut. JACK. And the eyes of the Saw-Horse are knot eyes. TIP. Nevertheless, you must ride quickly forward, and we will follow after you and so try to escape. My eyes are already so dazzled that I can scarcely see. JACK rides forward, TIP grasps the Saw-Horse’s tail and follows. SCARECROW and WOODMAN bring up the rear. A joyful cry from JACK announces that the way is clear. When they look back, not a trace of the field remains. Just then, SAW-HORSE steps in a hole and breaks his leg. WOODMAN. Does it hurt? SAW-HORSE. Not in the least, but my pride is injured to find that my anatomy is so brittle. WOODMAN. This is quite serious. If there were trees nearby I might soon manufacture another leg, but I cannot see even a shrub for miles around. SCARECROW. And there are neither fences nor houses in this part of the Land of Oz. TIP. Then what shall we do? SCARECROW. I suppose I must start my brains working. TIP. Let us all think, and perhaps we shall find a way to repair the Saw-Horse. They ALL sit and begin to think, while SAW-HORSE gazes curiously at its broken limb. WOODMAN {Looking off} What sort of creature is that which approaches us? WOGGLE-BUG enters, regarding the TRAVELERS with an astonishment equal to theirs. WOGGLE-BUG is big and round, with two slender legs ending in delicate feet—the toes curling upward. The body is rather flat, of a glistening dark brown upon the back, striped with alternate bands of light brown and white in front. Its arms are as slender as its legs, and upon a rather long neck is a head not unlike a man’s except that its nose ends in a curling antenna, or feeler, and its ears from the upper points bear antennae, decorating the sides of its head like two

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miniature, curling pig tails. It has round, bulging black eyes. It wears a dark-blue swallow-tail coat with a yellow silk lining and flower in the button-hole; a vest of white duck, knickerbockers of fawn-colored plush, fastened at the knees with gilt buckles, and a tall silk hat. It is as tall as the Woodman. SCARECROW. Good morning! WOGGLE-BUG {Removes his hat and bows very low} Good morning, one and all. Permit me to present my card. SCARECROW takes the card and turns it over and over before handing it to Tip. TIP. Mr. H.M. Woggle-Bug, T.E. SCARECROW. Are you really a Woggle-Bug? WOGGLE-BUG. Is not my name upon the card? SCARECROW. May I ask what H.M. stands for? WOGGLE-BUG. H.M. means Highly Magnified. SCARECROW. Are you, in truth, highly magnified? WOGGLE-BUG. Sir, I take you for a gentleman of judgment and discernment. Does it not occur to you that I am several thousand times greater than any Woggle-Bug you ever saw before? SCARECROW. My brains are slightly mixed since I was last laundered. Would it be improper for me to ask, also, what the T.E. at the end of your name stands for? WOGGLE-BUG. Those letters express my degree. The initials mean that I am Thoroughly Educated. WOODMAN. How did this magnification happen to you? WOGGLE-BUG. One day I made my home in the school-house of Professor Nowitall, that is why I place T.E.- Thoroughly Educated – upon my cards. SCARECROW. I’m educated myself. The mess of brains given me by the Great Wizard is considered by my friends to be unexcelled. WOODMAN. A good heart is, I believe, much more desirable than education or brains. SAW-HORSE. To me, a good leg is more desirable than either. JACK. Could seeds be considered in the light of brains?

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TIP. Keep quiet. JACK. Very well, dear father. WOGGLE-BUG. One day, the Professor discovered me and caught me. Before I could realize what had happened I found myself under a magnifying glass and my image thrown upon a screen. ‘Behold!’ cried the Professor, ‘this Highly-Magnified Woggle-Bug!’ Being Thoroughly Educated I stood, placed my hand upon my bosom, and made a very polite bow. The children ran screaming out of the room, the Professor uttered a cry of horror and followed them, and I escaped unnoticed. JACK. Wonderful! TIP. I didn’t know before that insects wore clothes. WOGGLE-BUG. Nor do they, in their natural state. WOODMAN. Where were you going when you met us? WOGGLE-BUG. To visit the Emerald City. WOODMAN. We too are bound for the Emerald City! If it pleases you to do so, you are welcome to travel in our company. WOGGLE-BUG. Pardon me if I seem inquisitive – are you not all rather – ahem! – rather unusual? SCARECROW. Everything in life in unusual until you get accustomed to it. WOGGLE-BUG. What rare philosophy! Let us bend our steps toward the Emerald City! TIP. We can’t. The Saw-Horse has broken a leg, so he can’t bend his steps. And the Pumpkinhead is so stiff in his joints that he has to ride. WOGGLE-BUG. If the Pumpkinhead is to ride, why not use one of his legs to make a leg for the horse that carries him? SCARECROW. I wonder my brains did not think of that long ago! {To Woodman:} Get to work, dear friend, and fit the Pumpkinhead’s leg to the Saw-Horse! The WOODMAN cuts off JACK’s leg, whittles it down, and fits it to the Saw-Horse. SAW-HORSE. This leg is a disgrace to a respectable Saw-Horse! JACK. That’s my leg you are abusing! SAW-HORSE. I cannot forget it, for it is quite as flimsy as the rest of your person.

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JACK. Flimsy! Me, flimsy? How dare you! SAW-HORSE. Because you are built as absurdly as a jumping-jack! WOODMAN. We are none of us above criticism; so let us bear with each other’s faults! WOGGLE-BUG. You must have an excellent heart, my metallic friend. They ALL start off again. WOODMAN. This must be a village of the Field Mice. I wonder if my old friend, the Queen of the Mice, is in this neighborhood? SCARECROW. See if you can call her.

WOODMAN blows a note upon the silver whistle hanging around his neck. The MOUSE QUEEN, wearing a tiny golden crown, pops out of a hole and comes toward them. WOODMAN. Good day, your Majesty, I trust you are enjoying good health? QUEEN. Thank you, I am quite well. Can I do anything to assist my old friends? SCARECROW. You can, indeed. Let me, I entreat you, take a dozen of your subjects with me to the Emerald City. QUEEN. Will they be injured in any way? SCARECROW. I will carry them hidden, and when I unbutton my jacket, they have only to rush out and scamper home again as fast as they can. QUEEN. In that case, I will not refuse your request. Whenever you are ready, I will call twelve of my most intelligent subjects. SCARECROW. I am ready now. {Lies flat on the ground and unbuttons his jacket.} The QUEEN utters a little piping call and a dozen field mice emerge and stand before her. She gives them instructions in mouse language and THEY run to the Scarecrow and hide in the straw of his breast. SCARECROW buttons his jacket and stands. SCARECROW {Bows} Thank you, your Majesty, for your kindness. WOODMAN {Bows} We are very grateful to your Majesty. QUEEN. I am always pleased to be of service to my friends.

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Scene 10 Scarecrow’s throne room in the Emerald City. SCARECROW, WOODMAN, TIP, JACK, SAW-HORSE, and WOGGLE-BUG enter cautiously. Seated on the throne is GENERAL JINJUR. SCARECROW. How dare you sit on my throne? Don’t you know you are guilty of treason, and that there’s a law against treason? JINJUR. The throne belongs to whoever is able to take it. I have taken it, as you see; so just now I am the Queen, and all who oppose me are guilty of treason, and must be punished by the law you have just mentioned! SCARECROW {To Woodman:} What shall we do? WOODMAN. When it comes to Law, I have nothing to say, for laws were never meant to be understood, and it’s foolish to make the attempt. WOGGLE-BUG. Why don’t you marry the Queen? Then you can both rule. JACK. Why don’t you send her back to her mother? TIP. Why don’t you shut her up in a closet until she behaves herself? WOODMAN. Let us give her all the jewels she can carry, and send her away happy and contented. JINJUR {Laughs and claps her hands} You are very absurd creatures and I have no time to bother with you longer. In response to the claps, the three GIRL SOLDIERS have entered. One snatches the Woodman’s axe from behind him, the other two threaten the group with their knitting needles. JINJUR. All of you shall be destroyed! Except the boy, who belongs to old Mombi and must be restored to her keeping. The rest of you aren’t human, and therefore it will not be wicked to demolish you. The Saw-Horse and the Pumpkinhead’s body I will chop up for kindling-wood; the pumpkin shall be made into tarts. The Scarecrow will do nicely to start a bonfire, and the tin man can be cut into small pieces and fed to the goats. As for this immense Woggle-Bug- WOGGLE-BUG. Highly Magnified, if you please! JINJUR. I will ask the cook to make green soup of you. The SCARECROW quickly unbuttons the front of his jacket. The MICE jump out and run across the floor. JINJUR stands on the throne, dancing on her tiptoes as her SOLDIERS run screaming from the room. JINJUR follows.

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SCARECROW {To Tip:} Look out the window, and tell me what you see! TIP. The palace is surrounded by a double row of girl soldiers. WOODMAN. Jinjur is still the Queen, and we are her prisoners. JACK. But I hope she cannot get at us! She threatened to make tarts of me! WOODMAN. If you stay shut up here you’ll spoil in time, anyway. A good tart is far more admirable than a decayed intellect. WOGGLE-BUG. I beg to remind you that this terrible Queen Jinjur suggested making soup of me – Me! The only Highly Magnified and Thoroughly Educated Woggle-Bug in the wide, wide world! SCARECROW. I think it was a brilliant idea. WOGGLE-BUG. I can see the goats eating small pieces of the Tin Woodman while my soup is being cooked on a bonfire built of the Saw-Horse and Jack Pumpkinhead’s body, and Queen Jinjur feeds the flames with the Scarecrow! WOODMAN. We shall be able to keep Jinjur out of the palace until she manages to break down the doors. TIP. In the meantime I am liable to starve to death, and so is the Woggle-Bug. WOGGLE-BUG. I could live for some time on Jack Pumpkinhead. WOODMAN. Are we cannibals, let me ask? Or are we faithful friends? SCARECROW. Let us end this mournful talk and try to discover a means to escape. The SCARECROW sits on the throne and they ALL gather round. The pepper-box falls out of Tip’s pocket. WOODMAN. What is this? TIP. Be careful! That’s my Powder of Life. Don’t spill it, it’s nearly gone. SCARECROW. What is the Powder of Life? TIP. Some magical stuff old Mombi got from a crooked sorcerer. She brought Jack to life with it, and afterward I used it to bring the Saw-Horse to life. There’s only about one dose left. WOODMAN. Then it’s very precious.

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SCARECROW. It may prove our best means of escape. Friend Tip, get out your knife and rip this heavy crown from my forehead. TIP cuts the stitches fastening the crown to the Scarecrow’s head. The SCARECROW sighs with relief and hangs it on a peg. SCARECROW. I’m glad to get rid of it. And now I will indulge in a quiet think. The OTHERS sit and watch him think. SCARECROW. My brains work beautifully today. If we attempt to escape through the doors of the palace we shall surely be captured. We can’t escape through the ground, so we must escape through the air! I suggest that my friend the Tin Woodman build some sort of a machine, with good strong wings, to carry us; and our friend Tip can then bring the Thing to life with his magical powder. WOODMAN. Bravo! JACK. What splendid brains!

WOGGLE-BUG. Really quite clever! TIP. I believe it can be done. WOODMAN. I’ll do my best. Let us search through the palace and carry all the material we can find here. JACK. First, please release me from this horse, and make me another leg to walk with. WOODMAN knocks a leg off a table and fits it to Jack’s body. It is beautifully carved. JACK. It seems strange that my left leg should be the most elegant part of me. SCARECROW. That proves you are unusual. TIP. How do you feel now? JACK. As good as new! SCARECROW. Then let us get to work!

Scene 11 From the assorted items brought to the throne room, the WOODMAN has constructed a Thing. They are: the head of a Gump, resembling an Elk’s head, a sofa, a broom, clothes-lines, ropes, four large spreading leaves from a palm-tree.

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WOODMAN. The Gump looks very well as a figure-head. And the palm-leaves will serve as wings. WOGGLE-BUG. The Thing is complete, and only needs to be brought to life. JACK. Are you not going to use my broom? SCARECROW. What for? JACK. For a tail. WOODMAN. Very well, the broom shall be used for a tail. TIP {Taking the pepper-box out of his pocket} The Thing looks very big, I’m not sure there’s enough powder left to bring all of it to life. WOODMAN. Put most on the wings. WOGGLE-BUG. And don’t forget the head! JACK. Or the tail! TIP. Do be quiet! {Sprinkles the Thing with powder and speaks the magic words.} The GUMP shudders, gives a Gump shriek, and flaps its wings, creating a terrible breeze. TIP grasps the chimney. The SCARECROW is lifted into the air until TIP seizes his leg. The WOGGLE-BUG lies flat on the floor. The WOODMAN throws his arms around JACK. The SAW-HORSE topples over on his back. TIP. Come back! Come back at once, I command you! The GUMP obeys. GUMP {In a squeaky voice} This is the most novel experience I ever heard of. What does it all mean? Am I a Gump, or am I a juggernaut? TIP. We have made you and brought you to life so that you may carry us through the air wherever we wish to go. SCARECROW. We shall be kind masters, and will strive to render your existence as pleasant as possible. Are you willing to carry us through the air wherever we wish to go? GUMP. Certainly. For should I travel on the earth and meet with one of my own species, my embarrassment would be something awful.

WOODMAN. I can appreciate that.

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GUMP. And yet, when I carefully look you over, my masters, none of you seems to be constructed much more artistically than I am. WOGGLE-BUG. I am both Highly Magnified and Thoroughly Educated! SCARECROW. And my brains are considered remarkably rare specimens! WOODMAN. I own a heart altogether the warmest and most admirable in the whole world! JACK. My smile is worthy of your best attention! SAW-HORSE. And I am only remarkable because I can’t help it. GUMP. I am proud, indeed, to meet with such exceptional masters! SCARECROW. Let us get aboard and start upon our journey! TIP {Clambers in, assisting JACK} Where shall we go? SCARECROW. In the South Country rules a very delightful Queen called Glinda the Good. Let us go to her and ask her advice. WOODMAN {Gives WOGGLE-BUG and SAW-HORSE a boost} She will prove a friend indeed! TIP. Are we all ready? WOODMAN {Getting in} Yes! TIP {To Gump:} Fly with us to the Southward! GUMP flaps its wings and rises slowly. ALL cling to back and sides for support. WOGGLE-BUG. The scenic effect, from this altitude, is marvelous. SCARECROW. Hold on tight! TIP. It will be dark soon. I wonder if the Gump can fly in the night? GUMP. I was wondering that myself. My legs feel as if they’re asleep. TIP. They are. We didn’t bring ‘em to life. SCARECROW. You’re expected to fly, not to walk. WOGGLE-BUG. We can walk ourselves.

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GUMP. I begin to understand what is required of me. JACK. I wonder if riding through the air is liable to spoil pumpkins? WOGGLE-BUG. Not unless you drop your head over the side. In that event your head would no longer be a pumpkin, for it would become a squash! SCARECROW shifts his seat and sees Tip’s pepper-box. He examines it. TIP. Throw it overboard, it’s quite empty now. SCARECROW. Really? TIP. I shook our every grain of the powder. SCARECROW. Then the box has two bottoms. {Hands box to Tip.} TIP unscrews the bottom of the box and brings out three silver pills and a folded paper. He unfolds it and reads. TIP. “Dr. Nikidik’s celebrated wishing pills. Swallow one pill; count to seventeen by twos, then make a Wish.” SCARECROW. Can anyone count to seventeen by twos? They ALL shake their heads as the GUMP comes to a sudden stop against a rocky hill, breaking both wings. They are ALL dumped out into a nest on a narrow ledge. JACK’s head falls off and comes to rest on the Scarecrow. TIP puts it back in place. WOODMAN. Our journey has ended rather suddenly! The SCARECROW crawls to the edge of the nest and looks over. WOGGLE-BUG. This is a worse prison than the palace!

JACK. Do you think the birds will come back? TIP. Of course they will, for this is their nest! A great jabbering and flopping of wings is heard. TIP. The Jackdaws are coming! They will surely kill us! JACK. My time has come! WOGGLE-BUG. And mine also! Jackdaws are the greatest enemies of my kind!

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A flock of JACKDAWS flies down upon them with screams of rage. The WOODMAN picks up his axe and whirls it around his head. The SAW-HORSE lies on his back, kicking them off. The JACKDAWS fall upon the Scarecrow, tearing his straw. SCARECROW. Save me! Save me! The GUMP waves his wings and the JACKDAWS, terrified, flee. TIP. We are saved! WOGGLE-BUG. And we owe it all to the flapping of the Thing and the good axe of the Woodman! WOODMAN. I really think we have escaped very nicely. SCARECROW. Not so. I am completely ruined! WOODMAN. My poor, poor friend! WOGGLE-BUG. The Scarecrow’s clothing is still safe. WOODMAN. But our friend’s clothes are useless without stuffing. TIP. Why not stuff him with money? ALL. Money? TIP. In the bottom of the nest are thousands of dollar bills collected by those thieving jackdaws! They ALL begin stuffing the Scarecrow’s clothes with bills. WOGGLE-BUG. He will be the most valuable member of our party! SCARECROW. I feel like a new man! But remember that my Brains are still composed of the same old material. TIP. Unless your brains help us out of this emergency we shall be compelled to pass the remainder of our lives in this nest. SCARECROW. Can’t we use the wishing pills to escape? WOODMAN. Not unless we can count to seventeen by twos. {Possible audience interaction - can they help?} SCARECROW. Who will swallow the first pill?

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TIP. Suppose you do it? SCARECROW. I can’t. TIP. Why not? SCARECROW. My mouth is painted on, and there’s no swallow connected with it. You and the Woggle-Bug are the only ones in our party that are able to swallow. TIP. Give me one of the Silver Pills. SCARECROW. Count! Audience does. WOODMAN. Now wish! TIP {In pain} The pill has poisoned me! Ooooooh! {Rolls to the bottom of the nest.} WOODMAN. What can we do for you? Speak, I beg! TIP. I wish I’d never swallowed that pill! {The pain stops and TIP stands. The SCARECROW is staring at the box in amazement.} What happened? SCARECROW. The three pills are in the box again!

WOGGLE-BUG. Of course they are. Didn’t Tip wish he’d never swallowed one of them? Well, the wish came true. Let me have one of the pills. {Swallows, audience counts to 17 by twos. He experiences no pain} I wish the Gump’s broken wings mended! The GUMP is as good as new.

Scene 12

The GUMP lands in Glinda’s gardens. SHE is waiting for them. GLINDA. I have been awaiting you. {ALL descend and bow to her.} Welcome to my old and new friends! SCARECROW. I beg to announce to your glorious highness that my Emerald City has been overrun by a crowd of impudent girls with knitting-needles! GLINDA. I know it. SCARECROW. They also threatened to destroy me, as well as the good friends and allies you see before you! GLINDA. I know it.

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SCARECROW. I have come to beg your assistance. GLINDA. What right have I to oppose the new Queen of the Emerald City? SCARECROW. She stole the throne from me. GLINDA. And how came you to possess the throne? SCARECROW. I got it from the Wizard of Oz. GLINDA. And where did the Wizard get it? SCARECROW. I am told he took it from the former King. GLINDA. Then the throne of the Emerald City belongs neither to you nor to Jinjur, but to the former King. SCARECROW. He is dead and gone, and someone must rule in his place. GLINDA. He had a daughter. Did you know that? SCARECROW. No! If the girl still lives I will not stand in her way. It isn’t much fun to be King, especially if one has good brains. Where is the girl who owns the throne, and what is her name? GLINDA. Her name is Ozma. But where she is I have tried in vain to discover. For the Wizard of Oz hid the girl in some secret place; and by means of a magical trick he also managed to prevent her being discovered – even by so experienced a Sorceress as myself. WOGGLE-BUG. That is strange. I have been informed that the Wonderful Wizard of Oz was nothing more than a humbug! WOODMAN. There’s no humbug about my heart! WOGGLE-BUG. Perhaps I was misinformed. I never knew the Wizard personally. SCARECROW. Well, we did, and he was a very great Wizard, I assure you. GLINDA. I have searched carefully through the records of the Wizard’s actions, and among them I can find but three that appear to have been suspicious. He ate beans with a knife, limped slightly on his left foot, and made three secret visits to old Mombi. We may suspect with good reason that Mombi aided him to hide the girl Ozma. SCARECROW. But how does that knowledge help us? GLINDA. We must find Mombi, and force her to tell where the girl is hidden.

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TIP. Mombi is now with Queen Jinjur. GLINDA. I will march with my army to the Emerald City, and take Mombi prisoner.

TIP. She is a terrible old woman! And obstinate, too. GLINDA. I am quite obstinate myself. We will march upon the Emerald City at daybreak tomorrow!

Scene 13

A room in the Emerald City castle. JINJUR, MOMBI, and JELLIA JAMB are present. JINJUR {To Mombi} I have been told to deliver you up to Glinda. If this is done she will not molest me further. MOMBI. We may even yet escape by deceiving this sorceress, clever as she thinks herself. JINJUR. Don’t you think it will be safer for me to deliver you into her hands? MOMBI. If you do, it will cost you the throne! I can save us both easily. {To Jellia:} Come here! JELLIA approaches MOMBI, who performs an enchantment on her, transforming JELLIA into her own image. MOMBI. Deliver up this girl to Glinda. She will think she has the real Mombi in her power, and so will return immediately to her own country!

Scene 14

Outside the Emerald City. A rose bush, with one red rose on it, blooms by the entrance. JINJUR enters with JELLIA. GLINDA is waiting, with the SCARECROW, JACK, TIP, the WOGGLE-BUG, the GUMP, the SAW-HORSE and the WOODMAN. The WOODMAN picks the red rose. It moans. WOODMAN is the only one who hears the sound. HE looks around. Sees no one. Puts rose in his buttonhole. JINJUR. Here is the person you demanded. Go as you promised and leave us in peace. {Exits.} GLINDA. That I will surely do, if this is really the person she seems to be. JELLIA begins to weep. GLINDA utters a few words and makes a gesture, transforming JELLIA back to her original self. SCARECROW. Why, it’s Jellia Jamb!

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JACK. Our interpreter! JELLIA runs off. GLINDA. We have failed to find this cunning old Mombi. And without her assistance little Ozma will never be rescued. I cannot understand how I have been defeated so easily by an old Witch who knows far less of magic than I do myself. WOODMAN. Suppose you return with me to my Empire? GLINDA notices the rose in his button-hole. The rose trembles and takes the form of a shadow, moving along the wall. GLINDA. It’s the old Witch! The shadow is transformed into a black ant, trying to find a crack in the wall. GLINDA unwinds a slender golden thread from her sash and throws it over the ant. It disappears and MOMBI takes its place. GLINDA. You are my prisoner, and it is useless for you to struggle any longer! MOMBI. Why do you seek me? What have I done to you, to be so persecuted? GLINDA. I suspect you have been guilty of several wicked actions, and if I find it is true that you have so abused your knowledge of magic, I intend to punish you severely! MOMBI. You dare not harm me! GLINDA. I want you to tell us what became of the child, Ozma, who so curiously disappeared. Answer me! JACK. Perhaps she doesn’t know. GLINDA. You will gain nothing by defying us. I am determined to learn the truth about the girl Ozma, and unless you tell me all that you know, I will certainly put you to death. MOMBI. Suppose I tell you all that you wish to know. What will you do with me then? GLINDA. I shall merely ask you to drink a powerful draught which will cause you to forget all the magic you have learned. MOMBI. Then I would become a hopeless old woman! JACK. But you would be alive. GLINDA. You may make your choice.

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MOMBI. I will answer questions. GLINDA {Takes off an immense white pearl attached to a slender chain and puts it around Mombi’s neck} Why did the Wizard pay you three visits? MOMBI. To learn the way I make tea-biscuits. The pearl turns black. GLINDA. You have told me a falsehood! MOMBI. The Wizard brought to me the girl Ozma, and begged me to conceal the child. GLINDA. What did he give you? MOMBI. He taught me all the magical tricks he knew. GLINDA. What did you do with the girl? MOMBI. I enchanted her. GLINDA. In what way? MOMBI. I transformed her into-into- GLINDA. Into what? MOMBI. Into a boy! ALL. A boy! MOMBI. Yes! {Points at Tip} That is the Princess Ozma, the rightful ruler of the Emerald City! TIP. I! I’m no Princess Ozma – I’m not a girl! GLINDA {Takes his hand} You must resume your proper form. TIP. I want to travel with the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman, and the Woggle-Bug, and Jack - yes! And my friend the Saw-Horse – and the Gump! I don’t want to be a girl! WOODMAN. I’ve always considered girls nicer than boys. SCARECROW. They’re just as nice, anyway. WOGGLE-BUG. And they are equally good students.

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TIP. I might try it for a while – just to see how it seems, you know. But if I don’t like being a girl you must promise to change me into a boy again. GLINDA. That is beyond my powers. I must ask Mombi to effect your release from her charm. It will be the last opportunity she will have to practice magic. {To Woodman and Scarecrow:} We shall need my tent. While WOODMAN and SCARECROW fetch Glinda’s silk and gossamer tent, MOMBI gives TIP a potion to drink. He falls asleep, and JACK and the WOGGLE-BUG put him in the tent and draw the hangings shut. MOMBI kindles a tiny fire and scatters a handful of powder over it. It gives off a violet vapor, making the GUMP sneeze. MOMBI chants rhythmically, bending her body seven times back and forth over the fire. MOMBI. Yeowa! The vapor floats away. GLINDA parts the silken hangings of the tent and reaches in for OZMA. She is dressed in silken gauze, and wears satin slippers and a jeweled circlet around her head. ALL, except MOMBI, who slinks away, and GLINDA, bow low. OZMA. I hope none of you will care less for me than you did before. I’m just the same Tip, you know, only-only- JACK. Only you’re different! GLINDA. What are your commands as the new ruler of Oz? OZMA. The Army of Revolt must return every emerald and gem stolen from the public streets and buildings! ALL. Hooray! OZMA. The Woggle-Bug shall be appointed Public Educator! WOGGLE-BUG. I am overcome by the honor! OZMA. The Saw-Horse shall be my special steed and I shall have his legs shod with gold to keep them from wearing out! SAW-HORSE. Thank you, your Majesty! OZMA. You, Gump, can ask for any reward you wish! GUMP. I beg to be dispersed. {ALL protest.}

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GUMP. I did not wish to be brought to life. Once I was a monarch of the forest, as my antlers fully prove; but now, in my present upholstered condition of servitude, I am compelled to fly through the air - my legs being of no use to me whatever. OZMA. I will grant your wish, but your antlered head will hang over my mantle, and you will continue to talk whenever you take a notion to do so! GUMP. I shall be honored, your Majesty! OZMA. Before he returns to his Kingdom, the Tin Woodman shall have a new coat of nickel plate! WOODMAN. Thank you, Your Majesty! With your permission, I shall appoint the Scarecrow my Royal Treasurer! It has occurred to me that it is a good thing to have a Royal Treasurer who is made of money. OZMA. Your friend must be the richest man in all the world. SCARECROW. I am, but not on account of my money. For I consider brains far superior to money, in every way. WOODMAN. At the same time, you must acknowledge that a good heart is a thing that brains cannot create, and that money cannot buy. Perhaps, after all, it is I who am the richest man in all the world. OZMA. You are both rich, my friends, and your riches are the only riches worth having – the riches of content! JACK. What is to become of me now that my only parent has turned into Princess Ozma?

OZMA. You shall remain with me, and I shall ask Glinda to make sure that you never, ever spoil! GLINDA sprinkles JACK with magic powder. ALL cheer and carry OZMA out on their shoulders.