I I miss the old school lawyers. You know the ones, grizzled veterans who were larger than life, toughenough to chew nails for breakfast, and yet kind enough to dispense wisdom to neophytes. For me, it wasEarl A. Forsythe of Dallas when I was a tenderfoot summer law clerk and the great man was over 90. My office was a reclaimed broom closet located next to his “emeritus” suite, but I couldhear every word as he conducted phone calls and then dictated documents out loud via Dicta-phone. What an education! A vast improvement over law school classrooms. Then Mr. Forsythe asked me to make a few calls myself on behalf of his housekeeper whohad a small dispute with her landlord. I must have acquitted myself with some small degreeof competence because he said something I still cherish, “Ms. Buchmeyer, you’re going to be the kind of lawyer who truly cares about folks.” Only decades later did it occur to me that I needed to ask, “But sir, as an attorney, is that a blessing or a curse?” We are all sorely in need of legal education, no matter how many years we may have practiced. Perhaps you agree. I’d love to hear anyinsights, words of wisdom, or even cautionary tales that you might have heard from a real old school lawyer. As always, I’m the judge’s daughter, and it’s an honor to carry on the tradition of legal humor that my late father, Judge Jerry L. Buchmeyer,maintained for 28 years.

The Judge’s Daughter: Old School Lawyers

HUMOR

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The Old Potted Palm Lesson Jerome Levy, retired and now living nearTampa, Florida, has a grand story about a seniorpartner who delivered quite a lesson to his youngwet-behind-the-ears associate. The older lawyerpracticed insurance defense, and he permittedthe young man to attend a settlement conference.“But you just sit there quietly. Pretend to be apotted plant.” The associate sat on his hands, watching over 30 minutes of heatedbattle back and forth, parry and thrust, posturing and feints. Finally,the two seasoned practitioners agreed on a number and shook hands,and the plaintiff’s lawyer left.

Associate (bursting at the seams): But sir! You didn’t reduce it to writing.You didn’t get opposing counsel to sign anything.

Senior Partner: Son, I’ve known and fought with that other attorneyfor more than 30 years.

Associate: But, but—Senior Partner: He and I are both old school lawyers and his word is

as good as gold. In fact, I’d trust him enough to shootcraps over the phone with him holding the dice.

Quips & Quotes: Straining at Gnats “No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but common senseand relatively clean fingernails.”

—John Mortimer, barrister and author of the Rumpole of the Bailey series

A Voyage Round My Father

“Straining at gnats and swallowing camels is a required coursein all law schools.”

Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

Naked Justice for One Student My friend W. C. “Bill” Allan has thedistinct honor of being one of the firstpeople to ever go streaking at ArizonaState University in Tempe. He was alsoone of the first streakers to be arrested.Probably because after Bill disrobedand jumped out of the car, his so-calledfriends and fellow co-conspirators droveoff and left him stranded—naked—infront of the student union. Bill made a mad dash across open ground but a security guard wassoon in hot pursuit. He hid in some bushes until his friends circled backand tossed him his britches. Seconds later: sirens and flashing lights.

Officer: Young man, are you that streaker? Bill: No sir! It wasn’t me. Officer: Really. Then why are you wearing your pants inside out?

Three days later, poor Bill went to the courthouse, fearing thathis life was over and he’d be sent back home to Iowa disgraced. Butthose were the wild and wooly days in the West before sentencingguidelines, and Bill didn’t suspect a thing when his lawyer led himstraight to the judge’s chambers.

BY PAMELA BUCHMEYER

JUDGE JERRY L. BUCHMEYER (1933-2009) grew up in Overton and served as a federal judge inthe Northern District of Texas after being nominatedin 1979 by President Jimmy Carter. His monthly legalhumor column ran in the Texas Bar Journal from1980 to 2008.

THINK YOU’RE FUNNY TOO? PROVE IT!Send your humorous articles of 600 words to tbj@texasbar.com.

Send deposition and trial excerpts to pambuchmeyer@gmail.com.

572 Texas Bar Journal • September 2017 texasbar.com

HUMOR

Judge: Son, you may be the first streaker in my courtroom, but Icertainly know how to handle these cases. Only last weekI sentenced a fellow charged with urinating in public. (Thejudge opens his desk drawer and pulls out a machete!)

Bill: Yikes!Judge: 90 days’ probation and if I ever see you again, young man,

you’re liable to lose a lot more than just your pride. Prosecutor and defense counsel: (extended laughter)

I met Bill in Florida on an ocean-going vessel. He says the incidentstill gives him nightmares and, “It definitely put the kibosh on anyplan I had to attend law school!”

Mothers Don’t Let Your BabiesGrow Up to be Lawyers Kudos to Kim D. Brown of Lakeway and herassistant Leesa C. Clause for sending in thismarvelous deposition transcript. A recalcitrantwitness felt most strongly that the lawyer isasking questions far beyond the scope of thematter at hand.

Witness: I’m tired of answering questions over and over andover again, so if you’re going to keep asking the samequestions, go back and check your tapes becauseyou’ll have the answers.

Attorney: If you still refuse to answer those questions, I can seta hearing in front of a judge.

Witness: Sounds like a winner to me. I think the judge would tellyou it’s ridiculous … And that he will tell you that yourmother [should have] spent [the] money for your lawschool education for better things … .

Attorney: … I understand … .

Pearls Before Law Students The students created a loud disruption, stomping their feet inunison when their indefatigable law professor continued to lecturelong after the class bell had rung.

Law Professor: Quiet! I still have a few more pearls to cast.

The legendary humorist Art Buchwald once spoke to the gradu-ating class at Tulane University Law School.

What does a speaker say to a penniless graduating class of neo-phyte lawyers? It is an honorable calling that you have chosen.Some of you will soon be defending poor, helpless insurancecompanies who are constantly being sued by greedy, viciouswidows and orphans … . Others will work tirelessly to protectfrightened, beleaguered oil companies from being attacked bydepraved consumer groups … . But I have a lot of faith in students… . I was on the campus … talking to an English major aboutHamlet. I said to him, ‘Suppose you were a prince of Denmark andyou came back from school to discover your uncle had murderedyour father and married your mother, and you fell in love with abeautiful girl named Ophelia, and you’d mistakenly murdered herfather, and then Ophelia went crazy … what would you do?’ Hethought about it for a moment and said, ‘I guess I’d go for mymasters.’ TBJ

PAMELA BUCHMEYERis an attorney and award-winning writer who lives in Dallas and Jupiter,Florida. Her work-in-progress is a humorous murder mystery, The Judge’sDaughter. She can be contacted at pambuchmeyer@gmail.com.