the histerical historical tragedy of the trojan war
TRANSCRIPT
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THE HISTERICAL HISTORICAL TRAGEDY OF THE
TROJAN WAR
BY (D. M. Larson)
ACT I - PARIS AND HELEN RUN TO TROY.
The Cast of Characters can be found at the end of the play with
suggestions for doubling characters if needed.
The stage has large wall upstage which is the wall of Troy. It can evenbe a small wall so the actors' heads can look over it. The land andshore outside Troy is in the left part of the stage. The ocean isoffstage in the audience. Before the play, an actor (Poseidon) can warmup the audience by having them pretend to be the ocean and PARIS andHELEN can sail through them. Poseidon has complete control of the oceanaudience. They could even do battle with some Spartan Greeks before theplay as PARIS and HELEN flee. The audience should be divided into twosides: Spartan and Trojan. At different times during the play, theSpartan and Trojan sides of the audience will cheer for their people(ATHENA directs the Spartan side. ATHENA says "This is..." and theaudience cheers "Sparta!". HELEN leads the other side in the cheer.HELEN says, "Goooo..." and audience yells "Troy!"). You should practicethis at the start of the play. The final Trojan cheer goes to PARIS andHELEN as they successfully make their way to the left side of the stagefrom the ocean. PARIS and HELEN act like goofy teenagers.
PARIS
Wow, we like totally ditched those Greeks.Eat our waves, dudes.
HELEN
You were like, so totally brave.
PARIS
I know. And you're, like... sooo pretty.
HELEN
I know. Are you really a prince?
PARIS
Prince of the greatest city ever... Troy!
Music can play as lights come up on the walls of Troy. The walls appearlike they are made of gold (use glitter).
HELEN
It's pretty.
PARIS
Not as pretty as you.
HELEN
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I know. Aren't your walls like totally...tall?
PARIS
The tallest and the strongest. They sayPoseidon himself helped build them.
HELEN
No way...
PARIS
Way!
HELEN
Cool!
PARIS
Want to see inside?
HELEN
Do I ever.
CASSANDRA rushes out and stops them.
CASSANDRA
Beware!
HELEN
Who's that?
PARIS
My sister, Cassandra. What's wrong now?Somebody going to kidnap a puppy again?
CASSANDRA
Don't bring Helen inside, Paris. She willonly bring doom on our city. Dooooom!
PARIS
Oh, come on, Cassandra. Get out of theway.
CASSANDRA
Doooooooooom!
PARIS pushes CASSANDRA out of the way and they go inside the wall.
HELEN
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Freak.
CASSANDRA stomps her foot and gets all pouty. APOLLO appears down leftand watches her.
CASSANDRA
How come nobody ever listens to me?
APOLLO is giggling now.
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
Apollo? Is that you? Get over here.
CASSANDRA runs up and grabs the giggling APOLLO. She starts hitting himand he stops laughing.
APOLLO
What's with you?
CASSANDRA
I thought you gave me the power to see thefuture?
APOLLO
I did. Didn't you predict where that puppywould be found?
CASSANDRA
But nobody listened to me.
APOLLO giggles again.
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
And now I see the walls of Troy fallingdown. And no one will listen to me aboutthat either.
APOLLO
Didn't you read the fine print of yourwish?
CASSANDRA
Fine print? What fine print?
APOLLO pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. It's notebook paper withdoodles.
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
I can't read this. It's a bunch ofdrawings. It's all Greek to me.
APOLLO
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Look here. Underneath the unicorn dancingon the rainbow. It says that you will beable to see the future, but no one willlisten to you.
CASSANDRA
What? How could you do this to me?
APOLLO
Because it's funny.
CASSANDRA
You gods think you're so smart. Well, Iknow what happens to you.
APOLLO
You do? Oh, you do. What?
CASSANDRA
I'm not telling.
APOLLO
Oh, come on.
CASSANDRA
No.
APOLLO
Please.
CASSANDRA
See you, never, Apollo.
CASSANDRA goes back inside Troy. APOLLO mocks her.
APOLLO
"You gods think you're so smart." I'llshow her. She won't think it's funny whenwe have a war!
APOLLO pulls out a cell phone. ZEUS appears in the audience. He canhave a funny ring tone.
ZEUS
Zeus here. Talk to me, baby.
APOLLO
So what you doing?
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ZEUS
Nothing. You?
APOLLO
Want to play war?
ZEUS
Sure, why not. Who you want to play with?
APOLLO
Troy.
ZEUS
Really? I don't know. I promised themprotection.
APOLLO
Promises? I thought you were the allpowerful one. You don't have to makepromises. I guess I'm calling the wrongguy. Maybe I should call Athena instead.She's a real warrior.
ZEUS
Wait one minute...
Thunder and lightning (lights go up and down). APOLLO smiles. ZEUScomes up on stage. Maybe he can be helped up by slaves or clouds?
APOLLO
Yes?
ZEUS
Well, you know I have a special place in myheart for Troy. I mean they have my boy ontheir side.
APOLLO
Your boy? How many boys do you have?
There's Ajax, Achilles, Hercules...
ZEUS
Not my actual boys... I mean Hector is atrue hero.
APOLLO
I know. That's why I picked Troy!
ZEUS and APOLLO lead Trojan side of the audience in a cheer:
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ZEUS AND APOLLO
Gooooo!
AUDIENCE
Troy!
ZEUS
So let's call Athena. She'll take yourchallenge.
ZEUS calls on his cell phone. ATHENA is in the back of the audiencepicking a fight with an usher.
ATHENA
I don't need a ticket you jerk. I'm in theplay!
ATHENA's phone rings. Her ring tone is something like "The Warrior" byScandal or the Rocky theme. Stage lights dim a bit and a spotlight shows
on ATHENA if possible.
ATHENA (CONT.)
What?!
ZEUS
Hello Athena... how are you today?
ATHENA
Horrible. Not one fight or battle and it's
almost dinner!
ZEUS
I've got good news. Apollo wants to playwar.
ATHENA
Sign me up!
ATHENA walks up to the stage and hops up.
ATHENA (CONT.)
Which side did you pick Apollo?
Dramatic music. Lights come up on Troy.
APOLLO
Troy!
ZEUS gets audience to cheer.
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ZEUS
Goooo!
AUDIENCE
Troy!
ATHENA
Fine. We'll play war. But I get to pickanyone I want, right?
APOLLO
Sure.
ATHENA
Then I pick Sparta!
ATHENA gets Spartan side of audience to cheer.
ATHENA
This is...
AUDIENCE
Sparta!
APOLLO
I thought you might.
ATHENA
What's that supposed to mean?
APOLLO
She has a thing for Ajax.
ATHENA
I do not!
APOLLO
Hector's gonna clean the floor with him.
ATHENA
In your dreams.
APOLLO
Too bad about Achilles though.
ATHENA
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What about Achilles?
APOLLO
His mommy won't let him come out and play.
ATHENA
What?!
ZEUS
He's always been such a momma's boy.
APOLLO
She did do him a great favor by dipping himin the river Styx and making him nearlyimmortal.
ZEUS
They should call it the river Stinks... is
it really worth being immortal to smelllike that?
ATHENA
He's one of those guys you admire from adistance.
APOLLO
So you ready for battle?
ATHENA
Wait. You have Zeus. I want some backup.
APOLLO
Fine... but what god is willing to stand upagainst Zeus?
ZEUS
I'm the king of the gods, baby!
ATHENA
Let me think... who isn't afraid of theking of the gods? Maybe... his wife!
ZEUS
You wouldn't?
ATHENA
Hera Rodham Clinton!
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HERA storms onto stage looking and sounding a bit like Xena the WarriorPrincess.
ATHENA (CONT.)
This is...
AUDIENCE
Sparta!
ZEUS
Uh... I gotta go.
APOLLO
Zeus.
ZEUS
Uh... just got a text message. Reallyurgent. Somebody needs a thunder storm.
Bye.
ZEUS exits. HERA and ATHENA do a warrior bear hug and secret hand shake.
ATHENA
How are you, Hera?
HERA
Where'd my good for nothing husband run offto?
ATHENA
Off to release more thunder.
HERA
He really needs to cut back on the beans.
They laugh. POSEIDON emerges from the audience.
POSEIDON
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
APOLLO
All hail the King of the Sea... Poseidon.Come to join my side, oh builder of thewalls of Troy.
POSEIDON
Hardly.
APOLLO
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Why not?
POSEIDON
I never got paid for building those walls.
ATHENA
Of course not. You know what he wanted?
POSEIDON
I only wanted all the first born childrenof Troy cast into the ocean every NewYear's Day. Is that too much to ask?
HERA
Let me think... uh... yes.
POSEIDON
So until I get paid, I'm not fighting for
Troy.
ATHENA
So what are you even doing here? Just hereto be a wet blanket?
HERA
Oh, that's funny. Ocean god... wetblanket. Cute.
APOLLO
Please don't explain the jokes. It reallymakes them less funny that way.
POSEIDON
I'm here because I'm worried the audience,my ocean here, is a little confused.We've introduced a lot of characters hereand are about to have a war but before webegin I thought it might be nice to have alittle back story. Let's bring out Homerand the Homerettes to tell us the story of
Paris and Helen.
HOMER and the HOMERETTES are a Greek chorus of sorts. They sing thissong to the tune of the Brady Bunch theme or just chant it. Hear thesong:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXmi2r8k_0U
HOMER AND HOMERETTES
Here's the story of three lovely ladies.Who thought they were the most beautiful ofall. They were Hera, Athena andAphrodite. And Paris was asked to judge.Here's the story of gal named Helen. Who
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXmi2r8k_0Uhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXmi2r8k_0Uhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXmi2r8k_0U -
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was a prize if Paris judged right.Aphrodite promised him this girl forever.If he'd just picked her. So Paris pickedAphrodite. And he knew that it was muchmore than a hunch. Because he got himselfa real beauty. That's why we started theTrojan War. The Trojan War. The TrojanWar. That's why we started the Trojan War.
APOLLO
That didn't make any sense at all. I'mmore confused then I was before the song.
POSEIDON
Let's go Homer. We'll work on it somemore. I know you'll get it.
HOMER
It's tough being a blind songwriter.
POSEIDON
I see potential in you, boy. You'll getit.
POSEIDON exits with HOMER and HOMERETTES. ATHENA and HERA lookembarrassed and try to sneak out too. APOLLO stops their exit.
APOLLO
Wait a minute. So this whole problem withHelen and Paris started over a beautycontest?
ATHENA
Well...
HERA
Not really.
ATHENA
Sort of.
HERA
I guess it did.
APOLLO
And you two lost.
APOLLO starts to giggle.
ATHENA
It's not funny.
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HERA
Aphrodite only won because she cheated.
ATHENA
I can't believe Paris took her bribe.
APOLLO
So Aphrodite bribed Paris with a prettygirl. What did you two offer him?
ATHENA
Mine was way better...
HERA
Shhh! Uh, nothing.
APOLLO
Never mind. Can we get on with this war orwhat?
ATHENA
Hera. You go talk to Achille's mommy andI'll get the rest of the Spartans.
HERA
Done.
HERA and ATHENA exit. APOLLO looks and sees CASSANDRA spying on him.
APOLLO
You can come out now, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA
I knew there was going to be a war.
APOLLO
Who said that?
CASSANDRA
Stop that.
APOLLO
Could you do me a favor and tell yourbrother Hector about the upcoming battle?I want to give him plenty of warning.
CASSANDRA
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Yes, of course. Thank you.
APOLLO giggles and leaves.
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
Wait a minute. He won't listen to me.Nobody does. Oh, dooooom.
HECTOR strides out of Troy and up to CASSANDRA who is crying.
HECTOR
Dear, sister. What troubles you?
CASSANDRA
You wouldn't believe me if I told you?
HECTOR
Try me.
CASSANDRA rattles off the following in a blubbering panic.
CASSANDRA
ParistookHelenfromtheSpartansandnowApollowantstostartawarandAthenawenttogettheSpartansand we're doomed!
HECTOR
Sister, are you speaking Greek? Do slowdown.
CASSANDRA
See... nobody can understand me.
HECTOR
Let me see if I understood you. Youmentioned Paris and Helen... the wife ofthe King of Sparta?
CASSANDRA
Yes!
HECTOR
And a war!
CASSANDRA
Yes!
HECTOR
Paris wants to fight a war to win Helen?
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CASSANDRA
No... well, sort of.
HECTOR
Paris!
PARIS peaks out from behind the wall of Troy. HELEN does too but PARISpushes her down.
PARIS
Yes?
HECTOR
Come here, brother.
PARIS comes out and motions HELEN to stay inside.
PARIS
What is it?
HECTOR
Our sister was telling me about you andHelen, wife of the Spartan king Menelaus.
PARIS
Helen... Helen... that name soundsfamiliar.
CASSANDRA
It should.
PARIS sticks his tongue out at CASSANDRA
HECTOR
Have you been seeing Helen?
CASSANDRA
Oh, yeah.
CASSANDRA goes into Troy.
PARIS
I've been seeing "a" Helen. I'm not sureif she's a Spartan.
HECTOR
Is she here?
PARIS
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Right here. No.
HECTOR
I mean is she in Troy?
PARIS
Well...
CASSANDRA
She's right here.
HECTOR
Helen!
PARIS
Helen?
CASSANDRA
Helen.
HELEN
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
HECTOR
That's Helen of Sparta. Wife of theirKing!
PARIS
It is? Helen, why didn't you tell me?
HELEN
What? You totally knew.
PARIS
I did not. I just thought you were somevisitor to Sparta just like me. I thoughtyou were Helen of... Troy! Yes, a fellowTrojan.
PARIS winks at HELEN who gets it now.
HELEN
Oh, yes. I'm Helen of Troy. Not Sparta.I was touring Sparta just like Paris hereand we met and totally hit it off. I'mlike totally Trojan. Goooo... Troy!
She tries to get Trojan part of audience to cheer.
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HECTOR
I can't believe you'd do this, Paris.
CASSANDRA
I can't believe Hector listened to me.
HELEN
I can't believe how embarrassing this is.
PARIS
Please, Hector. Don't send her back.Menelaus was horrible to Helen.
HELEN
He was.
HECTOR
What did he do?
PARIS looks around nervously and then whispers in HECTOR'S ear.
HECTOR (CONT.)
He didn't!
HELEN
That's not all.
HELEN whispers in his ear next.
HECTOR (CONT.)
The monster!
PARIS and HELEN both whisper in his ears now.
HECTOR (CONT.)
By the gods!
PARIS
See! I had to do something.
HECTOR
You did. Helen, you were greatly wrongedand now we will make this right by offeringyou protection.
CASSANDRA
No! You must not.
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HECTOR
No woman should be treated as you weretreated. As an honorable man, I willdefend you to my death.
CASSANDRA
Nooooo!
HECTOR ignores CASSANDRA and leads PARIS and HELEN into TROY.
HECTOR
Come, brother. We must prepare forbattle. We'll show those Spartans whatwe're made of.
HELEN
Goooooo....
AUDIENCE
Troy!
CASSANDRA
Why won't anyone listen to me? We'redooooooomed!
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK. END OF ACT I.
ACT II - SPARTANS COME CALLING
Spartans lead by AJAX and ODYSSEUS arrive at the Wall of Troy. Trojan
GUARD pokes his head up over the wall.
GUARD
Who is it?
AJAX
This is...
AUDIENCE AND SPARTANS
Sparta!
GUARD
Who?
AJAX
Sparta.
GUARD
Never heard of it.
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AJAX
You have so.
GUARD
Have not.
AJAX
So.
GUARD
Not, not, not.
AJAX
So, so, so.
ODYSSEUS steps forward.
ODYSSEUS
We're Sparta of Greece.
GUARD
Oh, Greece. Why didn't you say so?
AJAX
Because we're Spartan!
GUARD
You're all Greek to me.
AJAX looks ready to attack. ODYSSEUS stops him.
ODYSSEUS
Steady, Ajax.
GUARD
Ajax? Is that Ajax?
AJAX suddenly looks proud. Other Trojans look out over wall.
AJAX
You've heard of me, eh?
GUARD
Yes, we call you Ajax the Clean.
AJAX
Why's that?
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GUARD
Because last time you fought Hector, hecleaned the floor with you.
Trojans all laugh.
AJAX
That's not true.
GUARD
Our battlefield has been getting a bitdirty. Is it time to clean it with Ajaxagain?
AJAX
How dare you? I'm stronger than 100Trojans!
GUARD
That's right. I hear you're stronger thandirt too!
Trojans laugh. AJAX looks confused.
ODYSSEUS
Everyone, please.
AJAX
Stronger than dirt? I don't get it.
ODYSSEUS
Let it go, Ajax.
AJAX
I'll crush you like dirt!
ODYSSEUS
Ajax, please. Here's your squeezy. Goover there and do your squeezes until I'm
done talking to the Trojans.
ODYSSEUS gives AJAX a ball to squeeze and AJAX wanders to the back of theSpartans.
ODYSSEUS
May I speak to Hector?
GUARD
Say please.
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ODYSSEUS
Please.
GUARD
No, say it all together.
ODYSSEUS
What?
Trojans are snickering.
GUARD
May I please speak to Hector?
ODYSSEUS
May I please speak to Hector?
GUARD
Say pretty please.
ODYSSEUS
Oh, come on.
GUARD
They're right. You Spartans are souncivilized.
ODYSSEUS
Fine. Pretty please.
GUARD
Say it all.
ODYSSEUS
Pretty please, may I speak to Hector?
GUARD
Nope.
ODYSSEUS
Why not?!
GUARD
Just kidding. I wanted to see how you'dreact if I said no.
AJAX rushes up to ODYSSEUS.
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AJAX
Can I kill them now?
ODYSSEUS
Our orders are to wait.
GUARD
Hector will be right out.
Gate of Troy opens and Hector comes out.
AJAX
You dare come out alone, in front of theentire Spartan army?
ODYSSEUS
He is a brave and honorable man.
AJAX
And stupid.
AJAX pulls out his sword. All Trojan appear at the wall with bows andarrows. AJAX backs off.
HECTOR
You wish to speak with me, Odysseus?
ODYSSEUS
I have been sent by King Menelaus and LordAgamemnon to give the Trojans a chance tosurrender.
GUARD
Surrender?
Trojans laugh. AJAX and other Spartans draw their swords. ODYSSEUSwaves them back.
HECTOR
We will not surrender, Odysseus. You knowthat.
ODYSSEUS
At least return Helen to us and let thiswhole horrible business be done.
AGAMEMNON
Odysseus!
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Spartans all scramble and salute. Darth Vader type music plays as LORDAGAMEMNON enters in a black uniform. GUARD holds up a "BOOO!" sign andHELEN gets Trojan side of audience to say, "BOOO!" AGAMEMNON goes up toODYSSEUS.
SPARTANS
All hail Lord Agamemnon!
AGAMEMNON
I told you to give them a chance tosurrender, not to negotiate.
ODYSSEUS
Lord Agamemnon, please. If they simplyreturn Helen, then we don't have to fight.
AGAMEMNON
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
ODYSSEUS
Prince Hector is an honorable man. He canbe reasoned with.
AGAMEMNON
I find your lack of faith in my plan...disturbing.
AGAMEMNON starts choking ODYSSEUS. HECTOR steps forward.
HECTOR
It doesn't matter. We won't give Helenback.
AGAMEMNON
You fool.
HECTOR
Trojans believe in honor...
GUARD AND TROJANS
Yeah!
HECTOR
Justice.
GUARD AND TROJANS
Yeah!
HECTOR
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...and equality.
GUARD
You said it, Hector.
HECTOR
Helen has asked to be free of her slaveryin Sparta and we grant her that freedom.
AGAMEMNON
Then you will die!
AJAX draws his sword and rushes HECTOR as AGAMEMNON drags off ODYSSEUS.HECTOR defend himself as Trojans pretend to shoot arrows at the rest ofthe Spartans who raise their shields. AJAX manages to knock HECTOR'ssword away. HECTOR pulls off AJAX's belt and his pants fall downrevealing silly underwear. Trojans laugh and HECTOR runs back insideGate of Troy. AJAX growls and leads Spartans off stage. HELEN leads thecheer.
HELEN
Goooo!
AUDIENCE
Troy!
HOMER AND THE HOMERETTES return to the stage. They get audience tostomp, stomp, clap (two feet stomps and then a clap). NOTE: the wordingmay need some adjusting to fit Queen's "We will rock you." Feel free toadjust it. Hear it at:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5pzerjiutM
HOMER AND THE HOMERETTES
Hector you're a man make good princeleading in the war gonna be a king someday... You got war in your place... It's adisgrace You'll kick their can all overthis space... (Yelling:) we are... weare... Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap...stomp, stomp, clap) We are... we are...Trojans! Hector you're a great man toughman fighting in for land gonna fight theGreeks today... You got blood on thisplace, In your face, Fightin those Spartans
until they're disgraced. We are... weare... Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap...stomp, stomp, clap) We are... we are...Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp,stomp, clap)
CASSANDRA
(mood shifts to sadness)Won't be an old man, weak man, begging foryour land, Gonna fight til your alldone... Can you win, this war anymore, Mustsave face, no disgrace,
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HOMERS
(mood shifts to anger)Spartans better get out of this place! Weare... we are... Trojans! We are we areTrojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp,stomp, clap)
During HOMER's upcoming speech, the Spartans run up to the wall of Troy,jump up and down and yell and then run away when the Trojans shoot arrows(either get soft, foam or cardboard arrows or have Trojans make arrowsounds and pretend they are shooting them).
HOMER
The war had begun... the Spartans madelittle progress at first. The walls ofTroy held strong. But then mighty Achillesarrived and that changed everything.
ACHILLES enters with his cousin PATROCLUS who is dressed just like him.He's a major Achilles groupie and copies all ACHILLES' stances, motionsand actions.
ACHILLES
Need some help, Ajax?
AJAX
No, I'm fine. I've got them on the run.
ACHILLES
How long you been fighting?
AJAX
Not long.
AGAMEMNON
Almost ten years now. We need you to endthis Achilles.
ACHILLES
And what if I don't want to?
ODYSSEUS
Can't you two just get along?
AGAMEMNON puts Odysseus in a choke hold again.
AGAMEMNON
Join me, Achilles and we will rule thegalaxy! I mean... the world.
ACHILLES
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I will never join you.
AGAMEMNON
But Achilles... I am your father's,nephew's Greek godfather three timesremoved.
ACHILLES
What does that make us?
AGAMEMNON
Absolutely nothing. So if you won't do itfor me, do it for...
SPARTANS
Sparta!
ODYSSEUS
Uh, sir.
AGAMEMNON lets go of his neck.
AGAMEMNON
What?
ODYSSEUS
I don't think the audience had fair warningon that cheer.
AGAMEMNON
Fine. Do it again.
ODYSSEUS
This is...
AUDIENCE
Sparta!
ODYSSEUS
Much better.
AGAMEMNON returns to choking ODYSSEUS.
ACHILLES
There is nothing that will convince me tojoin you.
An arrow comes flying from Troy and hits Achilles cousin, Patroclus, whofalls.
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PATROCLUS
Message for you, sir.
ACHILLES drops to his knees and holds PATROCLUS's hand as he does hisfinal death throws. ACHILLES takes note off arrow.
ACHILLES
They have killed my cousin and friend! Inever should have loaned you my armor.They mistook him for me! Who did this fouldeed?
(reads note)"Dear Achilles. You stink. Sincerely,Hector."
GUARD and other Trojans laugh.
ACHILLES
Hector! You will die!
AGAMEMNON
So you will join me?
ACHILLES
To the death.
MENALAUS enters. He wears a crown.
ODYSSEUS
All hail King Menelaus.
MENELAUS
I demand a fight with Paris.
ACHILLES
And I with Hector!
AGAMEMNON
Trojans! Will your Princes face our
champions?
HECTOR
We will!
PARIS
We will?
HECTOR
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We will.
HECTOR comes out with PARIS who doesn't want to come out.
HELEN
Be careful.
MENELAUS
You took my wife. Now I take your life.
PARIS
Hey, that rhymed. You're like a poet.
MENELAUS
Die fly!
MENELAUS charges at PARIS who runs away. MENELAUS runs after him andeventually gets tired.
MENELAUS (CONT.)
Hold still.
PARIS
Run, run as fast as you can. You can'tcatch me, I'm...
ACHILLES grabs PARIS.
PARIS (CONT.)
Ooops.
HECTOR
Unhand my brother.
ACHILLES
Make me.
HECTOR faces off with ACHILLES. They do some fighting and then ACHILLESkills HECTOR. Trojans gasp and cry. HECTOR does an over-dramatic death.
HECTOR
It is a far, far better place I go to.Good-bye cruel world. Farewell...
ACHILLES
Die already.
ACHILLES stabs him a few more times. APOLLO comes out and is upset.
APOLLO
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This is terrible. Do something Paris!
PARIS gets a bow and arrow, closes his eyes and shoots but if falls athis feet. APOLLO gets the arrow and guides it so it hits ACHILLES in theheel.
ACHILLES
Ow! I've been hit.
ACHILLES dies quickly.
APOLLO
Finally, a quick death.
ODYSSEUS
Mighty Achilles has fallen. Run away!
SPARTANS all yell, "run away!" and exit. HELEN runs out and hugs PARIS.
HELEN
Gooo!
AUDIENCE
Troy!
HELEN
You did it, Paris.
PARIS
I did?
APOLLO
You can open your eyes now.
PARIS
Where'd they go?
HELEN
You killed Achilles and they ran away.
PARIS
Really?
CASSANDRA
But our brother, Hector, is dead.
HECTOR does a few more death throws.
HECTOR
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Rosebud!
HECTOR is dead.
PARIS
Bummer.
HELEN
But we won! This is great.
CASSANDRA
No, it's horrible. We're doooomed!
PARIS
Oh, stop it. Let's have a party... well, afuneral party. Hector would want a party.Party!
GUARD
Party!
They carry off HECTOR and party sounds come from inside Troy. CASSANDRApunches APOLLO.
APOLLO
What was that for?
CASSANDRA
We're still going to lose but no one will
listen to me.
APOLLO
Lose? No way. Not with my help.
ATHENA appears.
ATHENA
Apollo!
APOLLO
Ooops.
ATHENA
You cheated!
APOLLO
Don't be a sore loser.
POSEIDON enters.
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POSEIDON
It's not over yet.
APOLLO
What do you mean?
POSEIDON
I have a little surprise for the Trojans.
APOLLO
You stay out of this. This is between meand Athena.
ATHENA
That was until you cheated and helped Pariskill Achilles. Poseidon is here to eventhe score and get his revenge for non-payment.
APOLLO
This is so unfair.
ATHENA
Don't be a sore loser.
APOLLO leaves. CASSANDRA watches POSEIDON and ATHENA get in a huddle withODYSSEUS who nods and smiles. They exit.
CASSANDRA
I must try to warn everyone.
CASSANDRA starts to go and then hears something coming. ODYSSEUS pushesin something that looks like a wooden horse and all the Spartans arehiding behind it. (NOTE: The horse doesn't have to be big which makes itfunnier)
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
What's that?
ODYSSEUS
It's a present for Troy.
PARIS comes rushing out with HELEN.
PARIS
A present? I love presents.
HELEN
I love horsies. I wish it were a unicorn.
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Spartans look at each other. One sticks his sword out the head.
HELEN (CONT.)
It is a unicorn! Can we keep it, Paris?Please.
PARIS
Of course.
HELEN
Oh, goodie. Let's bring it inside.
ODYSSEUS sneaks behind horse with others.
CASSANDRA
No! Don't do it. It's a trick!
PARIS
Stop it, Cassandra.
HELEN
Cassandra wants to take away my unicorn!
PARIS
Now you've upset Helen.
CASSANDRA
Beware the gift of the Greeks! Greek toys
are bad news. They use lead paint!
HELEN
I want my unicorn.
CASSANDRA
Doom on you. Doom on you. Doom on you!
CASSANDRA leaves.
HELEN
Your sister is like totally creepy.
PARIS
Hey, everyone. The Spartans left us apresent. Let's bring it inside!
Trojans come out and bring horse inside Troy. Homer and Homerettes singto the tune of "The Song that Never Ends." Hear it at:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo2FZ8KY6n4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo2FZ8KY6n4http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo2FZ8KY6n4 -
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HOMER AND HOMERETTES
This is the war that never ends, yes itgoes on and on my friends. Some peoplestarted fighting it, not knowing what itwas, and they'll continue fighting itforever just because... This is the warthat never ends, yes it goes on and on myfriends. Some people started fighting it,not knowing what it was, and they'll
continue fighting it forever justbecause...
ATHENA
But it did end... the Trojan horse trickworked.
APOLLO
Looks like you won.
ATHENA
Who's the god of war now?
APOLLO
(mumbles)You are.
ATHENA
What's that?
APOLLO
You are.
ATHENA
Noogie!
ATHENA puts APOLLO in a headlock and rubs his head with her knuckles.
ATHENA (CONT.)
Wet willy!
She licks her finger and tries to stick it in his ear. He gets free andruns away. She chases him off stage.
HOMER
Those wacky gods. They were so immature.Well, I hope you all enjoyed my story.Nobody lived happily ever after but what awar! You can read the entire tale in mybook called The Iliad. I'll be doing abook signing after the show.
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END OF PLAY
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(13-18+ speaking roles, unlimited number of extras as soldiers for Troyand Sparta, suggestions for doubling below)
CASSANDRA - She can see the future, but no one will listen to her.Sister of Paris and Hector.
HELEN - Goofy teen-like girl who runs away with Paris and starts a war.
PARIS - Goofy teen-like boy who takes Helen to Troy.
APOLLO - War god. He can double as Trojan soldier.
ODYSSEUS - Greek warrior on Spartan side.
ACHILLES - Greek warrior on Spartan side.
ATHENA - War goddess. She can double as Spartan warrior.
HECTOR - Prince of Troy and brother of Paris and Cassandra. He candouble as ZEUS.
ZEUS - Leader of the gods. He can double as Trojan soldier, GUARD orHECTOR.
GUARD - Trojan wall guard. He makes fun of everyone. He can double asZEUS.
HERA - Wife of Zeus. She can double as Spartan warrior or PATROCLUS.
PATROCLUS - Cousin of Achilles. He can double as HERA or POSEIDON and/or
Trojan soldier.
AJAX - Spartan warrior who uses muscles rather than brains. He candouble as POSEIDON.
AGAMEMNON - Lord of the Greeks. Appears a bit like Darth Vader from StarWars but Spartan style. He can double as POSEIDON.
MENELAUS - Spartan King and husband of Helen. He can double as POSEIDONand/or Spartan soldier.
POSEIDON - Ocean god. He can double as AJAX, AGAMEMNON or Spartan orTrojan soldier.
HOMER and the HOMERETTES - If it's all men, it can be HOMER and theHOMMIES or if it be HOMER solo. Or the HOMERETTES can be played bysoliders or the women in the cast. HOMER can have dark shades likeStevie Wonder since he's blind.
*Remember: the Greeks had men play women parts and in our modern times,women can play men so be flexible with the casting.
Before performing this script, you must first request permission at [email protected]
The script may be printed and copied for free. There is no charge to use the play.
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1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the author's name (D. M. Larson) and something
that tells about the Freedrama.net website such as "Produced by special arrangement with
www.freedrama.net". When you complete the production, it would be appreciated if you
would mail a copy of the program to D. M. Larson, 422 Deanna Lee St., Grants, NM 87020.
2. All videos of the plays must be approved in advance of the performance. The videos must
have Freedrama.net in the credits and also a link to freedrama.net in the description if the
video is placed online.
NOTE: The play may not be reproduced, redistributed or republished in any form without
written permission from the author.
Thank you for selecting my script. Have fun and enjoy the play.
Sincerely,
D. M. Larson