the harm in asking

8/12/2019 The Harm in Asking

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18

This Might Be Controversial

My familys history is a real slap in the face to the Ameri-

can Dream. That is to say, we do not do better than our fa-

thers. We do worse. My great-grandfather was a surgeon,

my grandfather, an internist, my mom, a psychotherapist.

As for me, I professionally underearn. Ill do whatever,

provided I get paid a meager wage, and it was in keepingwith this general approach that I tried my hand at teaching

writing.

I had already worked retail and waited tables. Teaching

I preferred to both previous careers because, although it

sounded more prestigious than my other jobs, I could still

make an insultingly low wage. And this was important. If

I did not earn less than my parents, it would be an insult

to their legacy.


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I D SEEN THE job listing in the back of a free weeklypaper. Posted by a local writing school, it called for writ-

ers seeking extra cash. Well, Iwas a writer insofar as I

had written different things. I decided to apply. What I

lacked in qualifying experience, I would make up for in

my choice of interview outfit. The day of, I paired a ladys

blazer with a spot-on chignon and barreled in with just the

right amount of razzmatazz.

The interviewer offered me the job, and yes, I did thinkhim slow on the uptake for doing so. He hired me because,

he said, my aggressive speaking voice would help keep

the students awake if not fully engaged.

In advance of my class, I prepared a class plan: Id

lecture, review homework, critique homework. I pre-

emptively practiced critiques: The ending is shit, or

Dont call yourself a writer if youre not paid to write.Id keep it generic, but inspiring. Id be lauded as bril-

liant. I watched Dead Poets Society, Dangerous Minds,

and Stand and Deliver. Teaching, I realized, was all in

the attitude, and as long as I leaned casually against my

desk at just the right angle, as long as I walked with brash

confidence between my students desks, Id maintain un-

shakable control.

The only chink in my armor was my ability to lecture.I mean, I could offer up a word or two on structure, dia-

logue, and so on. I could say things like, A climax is im-

portant or Its good when people talk. But these words,

wise as they are, would not a lecture make. I needed a

buffer, and prepared correlating personal anecdotes for

my various lecture topics. At the class in which I lectured

on character, for example, Id say, Characters are impor-tant. They should do things. And have opinions, at which


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point a student would ask, Could you give an example?

A story from your own life, perhaps?

Of course, Id say. Why dont we talk about mydad? Hes a character.What kind of character? Well, con-

sider what he does. He sobs like a woman. He sobs at

novels, news stories, and sitcoms like The Wonder Years.

When we went to see the movie Father of the Bride,my

fathers crying got so loud, the woman behind us asked my

mom to take him out.

The students would reflect. A shining star would raise

her hand.His sobbing shows us who he is, shed say.

Exactly, Id say. Write that down. Now: Who has

any questions?

It was cause for concern that I was entirely without

answers, but I figured the students could do the job for

me, answering one another. One could ask, How do you

create characters who are round and compelling? and I

could say, Great question, Paul. Maybe . . . Chris! Why

dont you take a stab at it? And when all was said and

done, when the course had finished and it was time to say

good-bye, the students would start a slow clap followed

by a briskly formed receiving line. Id stand at the door to

shake their hands good-bye.

Youre tough, theyd say. But fair. Youre a molder

of minds. A blazer of trails.Blazer of trails would be a phrase they got from me,

of course, from my lecture on Creative Use of Language.

I got to the point of feeling really excited about the

whole thing, but then undermined myself when, at the first

class, I made the choice to call myself professor.

Hello, students. Welcome, I said. I am Sara, your

writing professor.

A gentlemana homosexual, I presumed, who paired


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all manner of vibrant color awfully wellshot his hand in

the air.

Do you have a doctorate? he asked.I dont, I said.

And is this an accredited college or university? he

asked.

Its not, I said.

Right, he said. What it is, I believe, is an un-

accredited school that offers private writing classes for

adults. So you really shouldnt call yourself professor. I

didnt sign up for a writing class so I could question thejudgment of the instructor.You see? Now theres an ap-

propriate word.

This was as chummy as it got those first few weeks. The

most significant problem was that my students did not em-

brace my personal anecdotes in quite the way Id hoped,

and this, in turn, meant we scored ourselves a whopping

twenty minutes of unstructured class time. I had no ideawhat to do with it. In my defense, however, I will say that

I was gracious enough to let the students decide for them-

selves.

What would youguys like to do? I asked. We could

play a game of Telephone. Does that sound good? Or we

could do weekly conversations on celebrity news to ensure

that we, as writers, stay up to date on what goes on around

us? Or . . . oh! I got it! What about a twenty-minute eatingbreak?

The students chose the twenty-minute eating break. But

then we tried it a few times and realized that people eating

but not really talking serves only to heighten ones aware-

ness of the sound of other people chewing.

It was circumstance, then, that forced us into another

plan of action, a game of our mutual devising.

We called it This Might Be Controversial.


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This Might Be Controversial came about in the

workshop portion of the class. Every week, two students

submitted essays their fellow students would read and thencritique using a series of positive and improvement

comments. So youd hear things like, It was good how

on page four, paragraph ten, you wore that wig to pretend

youre Barbra Streisand. But then on page six, paragraph

twelve, it was weird when you wrote about how hot you

think you are.

I didnt mean hot like sexy. I meant hot like Im too

warm. Oh, right. Well, thats unclear.

One student, Sven, an enormous, kind-faced Swede,

combined a mastery of the English language with a devoted

unwillingness to criticize. Hed eschew anything that felt in

any way harsh. On page three, paragraph nineteen, I am

very impressed when the character cries, and then washes

her feet, he might say. And for my improvement . . . I

am sorry, Instructor. I think in every part, Good for you,

Miriam! Writing is hard, but you are trying!

Miriam was a recent retiree, who, in lieu of an essay,

had turned in a eulogy shed written for her recently de-

ceased mother. Miriam wore only purple clothes, and

wouldve done well to wear a sign that said, HANDLE WITH

CARE, WONT YOU PLEASE? MY GRASP ON REALITYS NOT GREAT.

So Sven handled her with care. It was sweet, in its way,but the problem was that he handled everyonewith care.

I tried urging him toward a more honest critique.

Sven, I said. Listen, you have to find a way that

works for you.

Sven told me hed try harder, and in the weeks that

followed he started prefacing his comments with, This

might be controversial. For Sven, it worked as an effec-

tive disclaimer. Hed say, This might be controversial, but


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on page six, paragraph twenty-seven, I thought the line

with seven adjectives was very silly. Or, This might be

controversial, but on page five, paragraph nine, when youtalk about your boyfriend, I thought, Hello. This part is

very boring.

This might be controversial freed Sven up and, over

time, caught on with his classmates. Two more weeks went

by and we hit a point where everyone said it. Where every-

one couldnt notsay it.

This might be controversial, but on page three, para-

graph twelve, it was really, like, badhow cheesy the dia-logue was when your father tells you he has cancer. Or,

This might be controversial, but on page one, paragraph

eighty-five, your interpretation of manic-depression as cre-

ative genius feels really self-delighted.

One day, Harry, he of the homosexual persuasion and

well-coordinated colors, returned from a lengthy visit to

the bathroom. Harry spent most of my lectures in the

bathroom; however, on thisreturn, he seemed atypically

chatty.

I have an idea, he said.

What is it? I said.

How about if from now on when one of us says This

might be controversial, weve got to follow through with

something reallycontroversial. I think that thatd be fun.

Add some spice to the class. A little excitement.I think spice and excitement sound good, I said.

Great, he said. Then Ill go first: This might be con-

troversial, but gay marriage is a bullshit thing to legalize.

I loathe the showers and the registries. I loathe the blah

fucking blahof it all. And, well, Im sorry, okay? But if my

time and money saved means fewer rights? Then fuck it.

FUCK IT. Fineby me.

Harry took a breath.


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Wow, he said. That felt sogood.

It soundedgood, I said. You know, like, cathartic.

I was not the only one who thought so. Harry madehis feelings known, and it was like something electric was

let loose in the room. You could feel, not judgment

not the sense that anyone had been offendedbut rather:

a desire creeping out. Other students wanting their ca-

tharsis.

One more week went by and this unearthed, universal

desire shifted the meaning of the phrase. This might be

controversial changed from a means by which you soft-ened your critique to a means by which you set yourself

up for the truly controversial. We were in the fifth week

of class when I clocked the marked transition. Someone

had said, This might be controversial, but when I meet

an anorexic, I want to punch her in the face, and some-

one else had said, This might be controversial, but I saw

a thing on the news the other day about a family with tenkids, where one of the kids had drowned in a river. And

there the parents were sobbing and yammering on about

how there shouldve been a fence up to prevent river access

in the first place, and I was like, You still have nine more

kids. You fuck with the planet when you fuck like that.

And so the planet fucked with you. And thensomeone

said, This might be controversial, but I went down on a

black man recently, and his pubic hair smelled African tome. Does that make sense?

There was a pause as the class considered this last one,

and thats when I made my observation. I said, Wow!

This Might Be Controversial is spreading among us like

wildfire! And Sven had shouted, No, Instructor! Not

spreading among us like wildfire. That is so clich! Let us

say instead, It is spreading among us like . . . flames upon

the gasoline-soaked peyos of a Jew!


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Oh! I have another, Miriam piped in. This might be

controversial, but Israelis are so rude.Whew! I never met

a one who is polite!This is how it went, with just one rule in place: You

couldnt say something you didnt believe.

This proved not to be a problem.

This might be controversial, started Dave.

Dave was a twenty-five-year-old Caucasian. He had a

waist-length set of dreadlocks, wealthy parents, and a vir-

tual allergy to any and all critiques of his own writing. He

was of the opinion that any and all edits to his work af-

fected the integrity of said work.

Integrity was Daves word, not mine.

Dave continued, But, well, I dont think bestialitys

that gross. I mean, I get it, how its hot, you know? Just,

like, getting off without having to return the favor.

Harry nodded in acceptance. Not agreement, but ac-

ceptance.Yes, well, he said, thismight be controversial, but

the number of photos you post to Facebook is directly pro-

portional to how big a dick you are in life. Upwards of

once a day, you area dick. Theres no two ways about it.

Was this most of us? It was.

We nodded in agreement.

ONE D AY, SVE N arrived to class looking atypically upset.Whats wrong? asked Miriam.

I have something controversial to say, said Sven,

and it is very bad. I am very ashamed by my very private

feelings.

Dont be, said Dave. I pretty much confessed I want

a blowjob from a dog.

Sven nodded. Yes, he said. You were very open onthat day. Well, okay. Here I go: This might be controversial,


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but the politician John Edwards? I do not blame him for

his cheating. His wife is very homely.

Not is, said Miriam. Was. Elizabeth Edwards hasdied.

Miriam! Chill! shouted Dave. Svens just being con-

troversial. Dont make him feel bad! He knows its bad!

Just look how sad he looks!

Sven did indeed look sad. His shoulders were slumped,

his bottom lip protruding.

Im sorry, Sven, said Miriam. I dont mean to be

cruel. We all have our . . . things, I guess. For what itsworth, thismight be controversial, but I only go to male

doctors. I have a problem trusting women.

Sven smiled. You must hate yourself for this, he said.

I do, she said. Its very hard.

There were others in the classa Paul, a Brian, a Lisa, a

Laurenand each one of them, like Miriam and Sven, had

their own painful realizations. Statements that promptednot relief so much as the glorious pain of self-loathing:

This might be controversial, but I wish divorce upon

most of my friends.

This might be controversial, but you cant be truly

raped if you find the guy attractive.

This might be controversial, but I hated The Wire.

This might be controversial, but I hate Breaking Bad.

This might be controversial, but I think women whochange their names after marriage are morons. I judge

every single one. Not to their faces, of course. To their

faces, Im all like, To each his own. Its all about a wom-

ans right to choose! But in my heart, Im all like, Cmon,

woman! PLEASE! Just grow a fucking backbone!

THE WR IT ING CLASS was ten weeks long, and as we

inched toward the end, I, too, made hard admissions:


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This might be controversial, but Im attracted to Rick

Santorum.

This might be controversial, but I dont like MalcomGladwell.

This might be controversial, but if youre living on pub-

lic assistance, you shouldnt be allowed to have a pet.

When we reached our tenth and final week, something

unprecedented happened: We didnt play This Might Be

Controversial. Wed reached a saturation point the week

before. Dan had said, This might be controversial, but Ithink a gay man is more likely than a straight man to be

a pedophile, and Harry responded, But thats not con-

troversial, even. I mean, its wrong. Just . . . wrong. Its

objectively untrue.

Things were uncomfortable now in a way they hadnt

been since Id barreled in and called myself professor. Ten-

sion replaced camaraderie, and we lost the will to speak on

controversial subjects. More to the point, we didnt needto speak on controversial subjects, and the reason was

more shocking than all things controversial said thus far:

For the first and only time, my students cared about my

lecture.

The final topic was The Business of Writing, and when

I announced it, when I said, Okay, everyone. Lets talk

about how to make money, I clocked unprecedented in-terest. Suddenly, the students scribbled in their notebooks.

Suddenly, their hands flew up with questions: Will I get

published? How often? How much money will I make?

Everyone! Calm yourselves! Please! I shouted back.

If there was something sad in our loss of camaraderie,

it was made up for now, in the pride that I felt. For here I

was at the end of the experience, achieving what Id hoped

for at the start: My students were excited and engaged.


13/14

My students had questions, and I, their teacher, finally had

some answers.

You might get published, I said, but only online.And you wont make any money.

Anymoney?

Well, no: You might make somemoney, but not the

kind that does you any good.

The students sat for a moment, considering my knowl-

edge. Considering my truth.

Is that why you pack a homemade tuna sandwich

every week?Yes, Lauren! Good!

Is that why your clothes are always stained? Because

its too expensive to dry-clean them?

Spot on, Paul! Alsogood!

My students, it seemed, had done a lot of growing in

the weeks wed been together. Maybe not in terms of effec-

tive writing methods, but certainly in terms of how to readpeople and judge character.

Wow, I said. You guys have learned so much.

I saw them eyeing one another. Harry shook his head

and raised his hand.

Im not so sure, he said. I think that might be con-

troversial.


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