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THE GREAT CANDY BAR PLOT

Jay L, Zilber

Between the excitement and raw drama of the Presidential Search,

the disputes and controversey over the budget cuts, and the heated

arguments over the secret Food Rationing Program (the only possible

cause for those long food lines at Dascomb), there exists an issue of

far greater magnitude than those such trivial matters of Oberlin

College. I became aware of this previously unpublicized problem only

a vejfy few days ago, when my own astute observations and speculations

led me to this conclusions: there is an organized plot to destroy

student morale. It is here at Oberlin, and it may very well extend

to other campuses across the nation as well. I have not yet ascer

tained the motivation for this subversive movement, but there is no

further doubt in my mind that this movement does exist.

Their strategy is simple, very simple — they are kidnapping

our candy bar pending machines.

Now wait a minuteI I am deadly serious about this, and I should

expect you to have the decency to hear me out. After all, the Review

wouldnft publish this if it wasnft meant to be taken seriously — not

at Oberlin College, THE midwestern center of intellectualism.

When I first arrived at Obie, the fledgling freshman that I was,

the first major discovery I made about college life was how very ne

cessary it is to have a steady supply of change for those candy bar

machines. Sure, they might often play little games like "One-Armed

Bandit* with my money, and all too often, there are no Kit-Kat bars

in this week's selections, but nonetheless, where would we be without

those contraptions to keep us going? Think about it!

Think about it? SOMEBODY apparently has been doing just that

for quite some time. And for seemingly dubious purposes at that.

Remember how there was a candy bar machine in the mail room at the

beginning of this year? When was the last time you saw it? It has

been kidnapped! Removed to destroy student morale.

Of course, the conspiracy is not limited to actually removing

the machines — often, the people behind this organized movement re

sort to more clever tactics. For example, residents of Noah Hall

(such as myself) are well aware that our own automatic candy bar

dispenser is completely emptied within three to four days by Noahites

and other innocent passers-by. Yet it is often not refilled for

periods if two weeks or more. In fact, as I write this, it has now

been empty for nearly three weeks, with no sign of a refill forthcoming

— and yet, the display samples of Oreo Cookies and Nestle's Crunch

remain, taunting the onlooker, laughing at him, almost daring him

to break in at night, not to steal money, but the display samples!

Such goings-on have dangerous effects on the morale of the

student who has to stay up until all sorts of odd hours of the night,

to write that term paper (I.speak from experience), who has nothing

to tide himself over with, save the box of Saltines which Mother

dutifully sent ("Your father and I are paying $5000 a year for your

education, so we can't afford to buy as much food as we used to.

But that's all right. We can't send you as muchsSSSi^nIs we'd like to

either, but here's a box of Saltines, powdered Chicken Soup, and a

Bag of Bagels. Don't eat them all in one day.")

How low canjthey stoop! Very recently, I put my 154 into the

machine at the Snack Bar, pulled the lever for M&M»s, and a lousy

Clark Bar came out! (I HATE Clark Bars!) Somebody decided to get

cute once, I thought, and tried again. This time, I got an equally

lousy Almond Joy from the same M&M lever.

That kind of "game" is inexcusable foul play! Had I not, at

that moment, realized the truth behind these littie tricks, my morale

might very well have sunk, hopelessly and irreversably, to the same

level as those poor souls who can now find gratification only in

"pulling an all-nighter" in the Mudd Home for the Studious.

But I do know the truth now, and it is my patriotic duty as an

Oberlin student to spread the word. Not convinced yet? Witnessss

Most of the vending machines on campus insist on exact change.

That maans, if you want to buy a 154 item, you must use at least one

nickel...but if you are ever observed using a nickel for a luxery

like a carbohydrate snack, you will be ostrasized from your dorm

community for knowingly defying that unwritten law by which nickels

must be saved religiously, and pooled, for the nickels-only clothes

dryers.

Kit-Kat bars, the favorite by a wide margin of the intellec

tual elite, are growing scarcer. More often than not, the rows

of such actual chocolate delectables are being replaced by those

repulsive gooey nut bars of sort, in which only those whose morales

have already sunk to defeatist levels have any interest. Anyone

with experience knows that thses nut bars — Pecan Delight or

whatever — completely fill the "Take a Chance" catagory. As a rule,

you'll NEVER find a Three Musketeers in the section marked "?". NEVER!

«r

Kidnappings are on the rise again. Last week, while Noah's

own machine was empty as usual, I ran over to Burton's basement,

through the bitter chill and icy winds, to use their machine in a

fit of desperation....and it was GONE! Without a trace. Only the

pop machine remained, alone and forlern, now that its companion had

been mysteriously abducted.

Truly, there is far more going on here than a few isolated

incidents of vandalism and childish pranks. A very serious matter

is at hand, and as of yet, I know of no way to combat it. All I

can do is to draw your attention to this problem, and perhaps the

few remaining Obie optimists can put their collective minds togetherfor a solution.

A police guard at every vending machine is not the answer —

the well meaning officer may very likely succumb to temptation

and eat the candy bars himself, thus increasing the shortages andmaking things worse. My own plan would be to install a radioactive

tracer "bug" in each machine, so that, when the next one is abducted,it can be easily located in the vast expanse of our community, thusexposing the headquarters of this movement and destroying theiroperations. Unfortunately, the mere economics rule this out - how canwe, in our right minds, spend money on a project of technicallyunproven importance, when we cannot afford much-needed college necessities, like spherical swivel-chairs in every dorm lounge?

Perhaps the answer lies, very simply, in this expose itself. Nowthat you know the truth, you can run down to Kaiser &Wells, or BenFranklin, or Hess Pharmacy, or (if your morale is already too weak toallow you to be anon-conformist) Gibson's, and stock up on Kit-Kateto your hearts' content, thus freeing yourselves of those metal mon-

sters. True, this would cause a major change in our standard of living,

hut it is necessary to do this, until such.time as we can say that,

as a college, we are truly self-sufficient in our candy bar needs.

We will have to make the conversion from vending machines to an alter

native form of supply. It can be done, but only with the full support

of the student body. After all, we succeded in switching from pop

bottles to pop ^ans! By 1980, with God's help, we will be able to

proudly proclaim that we are completely independent of candy bar

vending machines....

Although there's still those coffee and pop machines to contend

with. There's no telling how that subversive organization

will strike next. But we must act now on the candy bar issue. The

Oberlin students are tired of double-talk; they want ACTION! We

must move immediately to eliminate such scenarios as:

Student #1 pounds hopelessly on the machine that just ate his

15^9 giving him nothing to eat in return. Student #2 walks by,

shaking his head. #2 says, "You really ought to quit, you know.

Hershey bars are harzardous to your morale." #1 pauses in thought,

and replies, "Actually, I can kick the habbit anytime I want to.

Really! It's just that right now, I'd rather kick the machine here..."