the game: the cure to chronic dating lameness

The Game: The Cure to Chronic Dating Lameness

By

Hao Anh Nguyen

The Random Observations of Societal Wooing

©Copyright by Hao Nguyen,

2010. All rights reserved.

WGA

Hao Nguyen

556 Nelson Hall MSUM

Moorhead, MN 56560

(701) 899-1820

[email protected]

Cast of Characters

Nevil: A nerdy boy in need of the

lessons of LOL’s video.

Jessica: Spokeswoman and top

saleswoman for LOL Co.

Cavewoman: Self-explanatory.

Caveman: Self-explanatory.

Aurelius: A beautiful, roman woman.

Perus: A strong, roman gladiator.

Michael: A rich man of the 50’s.

Stacy: A pretty girl of the 50’s.

Megan: An 80’s girl with attitude.

Chance: A cheesy, desperado.

Amanda: A phone-a-holic with tons of

attitude to match.

Dave: A shy guy with a short

temper.

Future Girl: A high class, proper woman.

Future Guy: A low class, inferior man.

Scene

A commerical along with various time periods: Caveman,

Roman, 50’s, 80’s, Present Time, and the Future.

Time

Duration: 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.

ACT I

Scene 1

[CUE A COMMERCIAL SOUNDING SONG]

Lights fade in onto an open stage. Nevil, a

stereotypical nerd, enters.

NEVIL

Where am I? All I remember was reading Spiderman

before waking up here. Oh, this isn’t good.

(Shields his eyes from the lights

overhead.)

The lights hurt my eyes...What’s going on?

(Searches his pockets but finds

nothing.)

I can’t find my cellular device. I need it to call

Mother! I’m alone!

(Grabs at his chest.)

Darkness! Claustrophobia! I think I’m going to have a

panic attack...

Jessica, a sarcastic, eccentric spokesperson,

enters. She is carrying a portfolio or DVD case.

JESSICA

Are you unhygenic? Weak-framed? Never seen the light

of day? And is that every time you open your mouth, a

whiney, nasally voice comes out? If yes, then chances

are...you’re lonely.

NEVIL

Wait a minute, I’m not lonely!

JESSICA

Oh really now? Alright, let’s test that out. What car

do you drive?

NEVIL

Uh...I don’t have one.

JESSICA

Alright, do you have a job?

NEVIL

Uh...not at the moment.

JESSICA

Hmmm, well how about...when was the last time you

kissed a girl...wait let me rephrase that, when was the

last time you talked to a girl?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

NEVIL

Well...I’ve been busy lately, so I haven’t really been

around many girls...at least lately!

JESSICA

Well according to our survey questions, you rank pretty

much in the top 10 of lonely losers.

NEVIL

What’s that suppose to mean?!

JESSICA

Do you have any friends?

NEVIL

Yes! I have my friend...well no he was just a guy on

the bus...there’s that one guy at school...no he just

took my lunch. Well, who needs friends when you have

37 mint-condition action figurines!

JESSICA

My point taken. (to audience:) Now if you are like- (to

Nevil:) who are you?

NEVIL

Well my name is Nevil Marcuz Fritz-

JESSICA

So if you are like Nerdy over here-

NEVIL

Hey! That’s not my-

JESSICA

You’ve probably never hugged a girl in your entire

life.

NEVIL

For your information, I have SO hugged a girl! You’re

not so smart now, are you Miss?

JESSICA

Other than your mom?

NEVIL

As a matter of fact!...no, I haven’t.

(Hangs head down in shame.)

JESSICA

Didn’t think so-

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

NEVIL

Want to be my first hug?

JESSICA

(With a smile.)

Awkward!

NEVIL

(Hangs head in shame again.)

JESSICA

(To audience:)

Anyways, so for all of you people like Nerdy here, I

have the perfect solution to help cure your chronic

dating lameness.

NEVIL

But I’m not lame!

JESSICA

You don’t have a car. You don’t have a job. You

haven’t talked to a girl, let alone kiss one in your

entire life. Oh and let’s make this even more

interesting.

(Takes out a folder and opens it,

reading its contents out to the

audience.)

According to your file, you’ve spent everyday of the

past 10 year in your bedroom reading comic books. You

like to spend your free time drawing pictures of

wizards, one of which you had labeled as yourself. Of

which you think makes you a powerful and interesting

man to women. Weird? You’re also afraid of dogs,

cats, and basically everything since you are a

germaphobe. And lastly, you cry yourself to sleep to

the sound of techno. Now wasn’t that just

embarrassing. And trust me, it just gets weirder from

there. Need I go on?

NEVIL

Nope...you’ve pretty much vanquished me right there...

(Is defeated and deminished into

nothingness as of confidence.)

JESSICA

Right. (To audience:) Well, if you want to avoid being

like Nerdy here, the solution is this video!

(Jessica reveals the DVD case to the

audience.)

We at LOL, Lovers Or Lame-O’s inc., have developed a

powerful video that will help with your chronic dating

lameness by showing you the history of picking up

ladies and building relationships with them. Now

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

JESSICA (cont’d)you’re all probably thinking that this product is

unreliable. Well, at LOL inc, we’ve been working on

this perfect cure for some time now, spending countless

hours and investments through many trials and errors of

experimentation. And after many horrific results from

our previous subjects, we’ve patched up our mistakes

and created the final solution to chronic dating

lameness! Think about it. A video that can help you

ask out all the beautiful women around you on

dates! (To Nevil:) How does that sound Nevil?!

NEVIL

Uh...females...I’m nervous...

JESSICA

Typical reaction. Now since this video is so great and

can cure the major problem of chronic dating lameness,

LOL inc. members are not suppose to reveal the contents

of this video. I mean, if our secret got out, every

corporation would create these powerful DVDs.

(Beat.) However...since you are my special viewers, I

show you some clips from this amazing video. But I’m

only going out of my way because I care.

NEVIL

So what you are saying is that...this will make me more

attractive?

JESSICA

(Looks at Nevil and then turns back to

the audience.)

Well when you put it that way...no.

Lights fade out. Exeunt Jessica and Nevil.

Scene 2

Lights fade in. Jessica enters to introduce the

next scene. She is very enthusiastic about how

she depicts these introductions.

JESSICA

Think back to the beginning of time, where the earth

was young. Where prehistoric animals roamed the lands

and seas, and there were bugs the size of

birds...ew. And that is where we see the origin of

this ancient art. Let’s go back in time, and see how

our ancient ancestors performed the great art...of

picking up women.

Lights fade out. Exeunt Jessica.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

[CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS]

Lights fade in on a cavewoman having troubles

scavenging for food.

Enters a caveman who is hunting for food with a

spear.

CAVEMAN

(He sees the cavewoman and becomes

interested, studying her slightly before

exiting.)

(He reenters dragging a large, heavy

club across the ground towards the

cavewoman. As he approaches, he tries

to lift it. It is very heavy and he

eventually lifts it. He swings.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Moves away, unknowingly dodging the

caveman’s club as he swings down.)

CAVEMAN

(Falls from momentum.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Looks and disregards after a short

confused stare.)

CAVEMAN

(Gets up again and tries again, lifting

the club and inching his way over to the

cavewoman.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Turns around just as the caveman is

about to swing.)

CAVEMAN

(Quickly hides club.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Stares confused and then offers a

twig. Then goes back to scavenging.)

CAVEMAN

(Follows her closely and then lifts and

finally swings down onto the cavewoman’s

head.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Body spasms and falls unconscious.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

CAVEMAN

(Throws the club offstage and drags the

cavewoman offstage after a short,

primitive victory dance.)

[CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

Lights fade out. Exuent Caveman and Cavewoman.

Scene 3


next scene.

JESSICA

Now wasn’t that just beautiful? Talk about sweeping

you off your feet! (Beat.) Or more like dragging you

off your...(Trails off.) Now that you’ve see the

violent, romantic styles of the caveman, let’s move to

a more civilized time during the reign of Roman Emperor

Titus. Imagine wild lions, clashing swords, and the

cheer of the crowds from all sides as the gladiators

fought for their lives! Let’s take a trip to the age

of the Great Coliseum.


[CUE ROMAN TRUMPETS]

Lights fade in. Enters Aurelius, a beautiful

roman woman, possibly fanning herself.

AURELIUS

(Stares out into the horizon.)

Ah, great Apollo graces us with such a beautiful

day. And Mother Flora has blossomed her colorful

offspring, as I can see. Such beautiful flowers and

meadows, blanketed by a sea of light. How magnificent.

Enters Perus, a dim-witted, masculine gladiator.

AURELIUS

(Catching a glimpse of him.)

Oh my...(to herself:) It seems to me that Mercury has

sent me a message from the gods...a big, strong one.

PERUS

(Sees her and strolls by.)

Well, well. Who is this delicate flower? If I did not

know any better, I think you were Venus in the flesh.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

AURELIUS

You flatter me. But if you wish to court a beautiful

woman as I, you’ll have to try harder than that.

(She takes a few steps away and then

turns back to him.)

I’ve been courted by various men, some men of Jupiter’s

heavenly image and some who I thought should just stay

with Pluto in the underworld.

PERUS

That is quite the comparison, my beauty.

AURELIUS

Yes it is. However, during these trials and errors,

I’ve realized that there is always a trick or muse that

these men possess. Artisans always wanted to paint

me. Romantic right? Not when they insist on making

you look worse than you do.

PERUS

Good thing I can’t paint.

AURELIUS

I would hope not. Then the philosophers always had

interesting ideas, wasting away so much of my time that

even old Saturn would be exhausted. Talking about the

earth being round. I almost laughed.

PERUS

That’s because everyone knows the world is flat. Duh.

AURELIUS

And then those scientists always wanted to go off into

the wild, leaving me behind, just to return and tell me

that the rain is not brought by the gods and goddesses.

PERUS

Then where does it come from? Clouds? Don’t make me

laugh. Sounds like you have courted with many strange

men.

AURELIUS

(Teasing him.)

They were more like boys. And that leaves me with one

question: are you like them? Are you a boy who wishes

to be with a woman, such as I?

PERUS

(Confidently laughs.)

Need not worry, my beauty, for I am no boy. I am the

bravest of men with strength to match. I am like a

Spartan, who shows no fear to the heavens, the

underworld, and all in-between.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

AUREILUS

That is quite the remark. Are you a soldier?

PERUS

No my beauty, I am the great Perus! The reincarnates

of the legendary Verus and Priscus. I am the great

gladiator who has faced countless foes, great lions,

and an elephant or two. I am the champion of the

Coliseum.

(Poses bravely.)

AURELIUS

(Unimpressed)

Oh. You’re just a gladiator.

PERUS

(Surprisingly offended.)

Wait what? JUST a gladiator?

AURELIUS

Yes, you’re just a slave of the Romans who fights for

our amusements. Although, I often found the kind

barbaric and pathetic.

PERUS

I am no slave. I have actually volunteered to fight

for sport. Call it my occupation.

AURELIUS

You fight for self-entertainment? That’s quite brave

of you. And you think because of that, you are worthy

of my courtship?

PERUS

(Advances towards her.)

If the god of love, Mars allows it-

AURELIUS

You mean Cupid.

PERUS

Whatever. If CUPID, allows it, I wish to take your

golden heart.

(He tries to brush the hair out of her

face.)

AURELIUS

(Moves away from his attempt.)

Hands off gladiator. You may have the words to woo a

woman, but do you have the courage and strength you

speak so highly of?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

PERUS

(Aggressively defensive.)

Do I have the courage? Do I have the strength? Can

you not see it from the way I stand before you?

AURELIUS

Not at all.

PERUS

Well I assure you, I am the most courageous and the

strongest of the gladiators. And if I have to prove to

you-

AURELIUS

That would be helpful.

PERUS

What I was trying to say! Is that, if I have to prove

to you of my courage and strength, I’ll fight in the

Great Coliseum! I’ll do battle with the greatest of

warriors and the fiercest of beasts to prove

myself...to you...

AURELIUS

And I’m just to take your word? What combat skills

could you possibly have? How about you demonstrate

before going off to kill yourself.

(She steps aside and presents him the

floor.)

Go ahead.

PERUS

(Prepares himself.)

My skills were acquired from many battles in the Great

Coliseum. With these skills, I have killed many men

and many beasts. Such as my battle with five

gladiators! The Battle of the Five Spears!

AURELIUS

I heard about that battle. There was actually only two

of them and one of them only had one leg. And I heard

that the gladiator just rampaged in random directions

with no technique and more so lucky swings.

PERUS

Then obviously that wasn’t me.

AURELIUS

I heard that his name was Perus.

PERUS

Entirely coincidental.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

AURELIUS

Funny how he said the same thing you did: "I am the

reincarnate of Verus and Priscus themselves!" Don’t

tell me that’s coincidental also?

PERUS

(Frustrated.)

That’s besides the point! What the point is, is that I

am a great fighter. Behold!

(He draws his sword and goes into a

random frenzy of horrible-looking sword

swings. He gets winded and takes a

break. He then looks back up to

Aurelius and poses.)

Does my superior technique not impress you?

AURELIUS

Obviously.

PERUS

Then I have no choice but to go into the great Coliseum

and take down every single soldier and when the crowd

screams my name, then you will know how magnificent I

truly am.

AURELIUS

And how would you do that? Beseech to the gods? I

fear even Jupiter, the one who created the heavens and

the gods and goddesses, may have his limits. However,

if you insist, then may Juno keep you safe and may the

gods give you...all their strength...

PERUS

(Obtains a boost of adrenaline and poses

dramatically as if he is about to do

something great. He moves with feeling)

The sounds of the lions roaring give me strength. The

cheering crowds give me confidence. Just sit there my

delicate beauty. I will return after my battles...for

you.

Exeunt Perus.

AURELIUS

(Walks in the opposite direction.)

He says he is like a Spartan. Quite the remark. If he

was a Spartan, then the rest of us all are gods and

goddesses...however, it is a shame...he was kind of

cute.

Exeunt Aurelius.

[ROMAN TRUMPETS PLAY UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

Lights fade out.

Scene 4


scene.

JESSICA

Wow. That Roman sure has guts. Let’s just hope he can

handle the hungry lions! But now let’s journey to an

even later time where rock n’ roll began to emerge, and

the best place to get a good milk shake or soda was at

the local sock hop. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to

you, the 1950’s.


[CUE A WELL-KNOWN 50’S SONG]

Lights fade in. Michael, an awkward, rich boy, is

standing reading a newspaper.

MICHAEL

(Off the paper:)

"Russians send first satellite to orbit the

earth." People going into space? You got to be

kidding me.

Enters Stacy, a beautiful, but snappy girl. She

is walking in Michael’s direction, but appearing

to be in a rush.

STACY

(To herself:)

Alright, bread, eggs, and butter. Bread, eggs, and

butter. Remember to get bread, eggs, and butter.

Michael notices Stacy and is attracted

nonetheless. He quickly folds the paper, puts it

away, and tries awkwardly cleaning his appearance

before approaching her. He steps in front of her.

MICHAEL

(Nervously.)

Um...hello Stacy. What a pleasant afternoon.

STACY

Oh...hello Michael. I almost didn’t see you there. I

should probably pay more attention next time.

MICHAEL

Well, I could see you easily from the distance.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

STACY

(Offended)

What is THAT suppose to mean?! I have you know I run

every single day and I watch what I e-

MICHAEL

(Caught off guard)

No, no, no! I didn’t mean that!

STACY

Then what DID you mean?

MICHAEL

I wasn’t calling you-

STACY

Calling me what?

MICHAEL

You know...

STACY

You know my mother always told me that boys should

never talk about a woman’s weight. Especially in

public!

MICHAEL

When I said that I could easily see you from the

distance, I wasn’t talking about your weight.

STACY

Then are you one of those stalker types? Following

pretty girls around? Are you trying to say that you’re

a...peeping Tom?!

MICHAEL

(Defensive)

No, no, no! That is the opposite of what I am!

STACY

Opposite? You don’t like girls?

MICHAEL

(Thrown off)

WHAT?! No!

STACY

Well you did say you were the "opposite" of a peepin

Tom...

MICHAEL

I mean that I’m NOT a peepin Tom! I was just trying to

say...what I meant was that I think your dress makes

you look very...you know...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

STACY

(Offended)

You think I look horrible in this dress?

MICHAEL

No! What I meant was-

STACY

So this is another fat comment, is it!

MICHAEL

Stacy! You are not fat! I just wanted to say that you

look beauti-

STACY

I’ll tell you here right now Michael, I will not stand

around and be called fat and horribly dressed by a

stalking peepin’ Tom who is not sure if they like

girls. And if you keep it up, no lady will ever want

to grace their presence in front of you. So if you

don’t mind, I have errands at the grocery. Good day!

Stacy begins to walk away.

MICHAEL

(Disappointed)

Gosh darn it...now what am I going to do about the

Harvard Ball...

Stacy immediately turns around and walks back to

Michael with a different attitude.

STACY

(Hearing "Harvard Ball")

Did you say...Harvard Ball? Oh Michael, do tell me

more.

MICHAEL

(Confused)

I thought you had errands to do?

STACY

Oh me? Nope, you must have me confused with someone

else.

MICHAEL

But I you just said-

STACY

Don’t remember. So tell me, what is this Harvard Ball,

that you were talking about?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

MICHAEL

Okay?...Well every year, new-coming students are

invited to a formal party. My father is part of the

oil industry and sent me to Harvard to pursue being a

lawyer. But I guess you probably don’t care about any

of that.

STACY

(Being extra flirty)

No, I do care. You know, like many women, I like men

who take initiative with their lives.

MICHAEL

Yeah, the more successful you are, the more it seems to

attract women. I never seemed to understand that.

STACY

Successful men, like lawyers, I find very attractive.

MICHAEL

Well, they are hard workers.

STACY

Especially lawyers from Harvard. Those are the most

attractive. What I wouldn’t do to be with one of them.

MICHAEL

Well, with the money they make, they could probably

capture the eye of anyone.

STACY

I don’t think you understand.

MICHAEL

You’re right. Only a majority of lawyers become

successful.

STACY

(Frustrated)

Michael! I would probably date a successful future

lawyer!

MICHAEL

(Catches on. Overconfident.)

Ohhh! Well why didn’t you say so earlier! I actually

plan on graduating with a law degree and then maybe,

open a law firm? Not sure what will happen, but I’m

sure there would be a lot of profits.

STACY

That sounds so great!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

MICHAEL

And then maybe with the money I could easily buy a

fancy car to drive around across the ocean side.

STACY

With the wind in your hair.

MICHAEL

And sailing the beautiful ocean on my own yact.

STACY

Watching the sunset from its deck.

MICHAEL

And then buy a large home with maids and butlers to

take care of my every whim for the rest of my life!

Stacy almost faints but Michael catches her. She

collects herself.

STACY

(Overwhelmed)

Sorry, it was just so...magnificent that I couldn’t

handle myself.

MICHAEL

Are you okay?

STACY

I’m fine. I was just wondering, however... It would

be great to drive along the ocean side in a new car,

and it would be wonderful to sail in your own

yacht. And a great big house may be the perfect idea,

but it may be lonely. And what I’ve been wondering

was...if you’d have a lady by your side during all of

this?

MICHAEL

(Resuming the teasing)

Well I guess I could use a pretty lady with me. But

she has to be outgoing.

STACY

I love new experiences!

MICHAEL

She also needs to be funny.

STACY

I can tell you a joke if you want!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

MICHAEL

She has to be smart.

STACY

I know molecular science!

MICHAEL

Not that smart though.

STACY

I was kidding by the way about the science thing.

MICHAEL

She has to be beautiful too.

STACY

I know who can be the perfect girl!

MICHAEL

But who could I possibly take with me to the Harvard

Ball wih who knows afterward...

STACY

It would mean the world to m-

MICHAEL

Interested in accompanying me?

Overjoyed, Stacy sprints towards him and hugs him

tightly.

STACY

(Excited)

Oh that would be amazing Michael! You’ve made me so

happy!

MICHAEL

(Excited with his "act" dying down)

This is great! We can go on wonderful dates, and spend

our days together! Like at the lake, fishing!

STACY

(Disgusted and confused)

What?!

MICHAEL

(Resuming the act. Cough.)

I mean...cruising on my private yacht.

STACY

(Oblivious)

Oh. Okay!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

Stacy holds onto Michael for dear life as lights

fade out. Exeunt Michael and Stacy.

[CUE 1950’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

Scene 5


scene.

JESSICA

Do you know what I think? I think he should ditch that

pathetic Stacy, and go buy me a big, diamond ring.

(Cheesy wink.)

Anyways, now that you’ve seen the amazing,

sophisticated styles of the rich men of the 1950’s,

let’s go farther in time to an era when Thriller was

the best music video and everyone spent hours playing

Pac-Man. To an era where the culture was about

flaunting riches and crazy dressing habits. I present

to you the smooth styles of the 1980’s.


[CUE WELL-KNOWN 1980’S SONG]

Lights fade in on Megan, a sharp-tongued girl,

reading a popular 80’s magazine.

MEGAN

(Off the magazine:)

Hmm, according to this, every girl in the world has the

same style: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side,

worn with spandex pants. Good thing I thought of them

first.

Enters Chance, a Fonz-like boy with bad practice

in flirting.

CHANCE

(Dramatically combs hair and does a

cheesy Fonz gesture: wink and do a

double thumbs up at the audience.)

Ayyyyyyy!

(Checks out Megan. Moves over smoothly

and takes a seat next to her.)

Hey pretty thang.

(Gets even closer.)

How yoo do’en?

MEGAN

(Glued to her magazine.)

I could be better if I were alone.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

CHANCE

Oh, a challenge now? Alright then, if you want it that

way.

(Takes out a small notebook, his

"pick-up lines" book. He flips through

a page or two and reads one:)

Hey...I’m Chance...do I got one?

(Cheesy wink.)

MEGAN

I’m Megan, and with that line, you don’t and probably

won’t ever.

CHANCE

Well...can I call you Meg? Can I call you Meggy?

(Beat.)

Can I call you...tomorrow?

MEGAN

You can call me never-gonna-happen. And the last time

a boy tried calling me, my dad answered the phone, and

let’s just say that Jimmy has been missing since.

CHANCE

Never mind...

(Gets desperate. He rises and looks

into his pick-up line book. After a few

page turns, he finds another line.)

Ah-ha!

(He returns to where Megan is sitting

and tries to get closer again. Smooths

his hair back.)

Baby...who took the stars out of the sky...and put them

in your eyes?

MEGAN

You should become a scientist and get some pretty

big-rimmed glasses. Maybe then you’d look more

attractive.

CHANCE

Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put

you...and I...together.

(Extra emphasis on "together".)

MEGAN

If I could rearrange the park, I would put you and a

tree "together".

(Puts on headphones for a cassette

player.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

CHANCE

(Getting more desperate and fumbling

through pages.)

Girl, I see you sitting there...reading that

magazine...and I can tell...that you must be

tired...because you’ve been running in my mind all day!

MEGAN

(Singing badly along to Michael

Jackson’s Thriller:)

"Be cause this is THRILLER! Thriller night! Cause I

would never thrill you more than any girl would ever

dare try!"

(Dances to her own headphones.)

CHANCE

(Shoots his last few lines one after the

other. Shaky and nervous:)

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

MEGAN

Probably...nope, most likely between you and me, it’s

me.

CHANCE

Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

MEGAN

Did it hurt when your Mama dropped you on your head?

CHANCE

Are you an explosives expert? ’Cuz baby you’ve just

blown my mind!

MEGAN

Are you a librarian? ’Cuz baby you’ve just bored mine.

CHANCE

Are you an alien? ’Cuz that smile of yours is out of

this world!

MEGAN

Are YOU an alien? ’Cuz that smile of yours isn’t

normal.

CHANCE

(Finally becoming outraged, throwing his

"pick-up line" book on the

ground. Rising and standing:)

What is wrong with you? Why are you being so

difficult?!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

MEGAN

(Finally making eye contact and getting

up also. Snappy:)

What do you mean "difficult"? You trying to say I

should be easy?

CHANCE

(Defensively)

No! That’s nothing to what I wanted to say!

MEGAN

Then WHAT were you trying to say?!

CHANCE

(Sighs and pathetically:)

Wanna date?

MEGAN

Took you long enough.

(Gets close and kisses him.)

CHANCE

(Shocked and falls onto the ground.)

MEGAN

(Jokingly)

Hey, did it hurt when you fell from-

CHANCE

Shut up.

Lights fade out. Exeunt Chance and Megan.

[CUE 80’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

Scene 6


scene.

JESSICA

(Dazed)

Wow. That guy sure has a way with words...

(Awakes from the daze)

Now that we are done with the smooth styles of the

80’s, let’s move onto the advanced times where iPods

and high-definition TV are the standard of

technology. To this time period where the great

question was created: Edward vs. Jacob. To the time of

the present!


(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

[CUE WELL-KNOWN MODERN SONG.]

Lights fade in on Amanda, a harsh, high-guarded

girl, loudly talking on her phone.

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Becky! I miss you so much! (Beat.) I know I was just

at your house, but that does not mean I can’t miss

you! (Beat.) I know! We should totally do

that! (Beat.) Wait what did your boyfriend do?

Enters Dave, nervous, young, shy guy, carrying

flowers, chocolates, and gifts.

DAVE

(Shyly)

Hey Amanda...

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Wait! Your boyfriend sent you flowers?! That’s so

lame! (Beat.) Well maybe there are sweet and nice for

you, but flowers make me feel sick. I mean, there they

are and they either smell good or bad, and either way

they just die and make a mess everywhere. (Beat.) If

I got flowers, I’d probably throw them at the guy who

gave them to me.

DAVE

(Looks at the flowers. Panicked, he

tosses them away awkwardly. Shyly.)

Um...Amanda?

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

However, I wish I got flowers sometimes. (Beat.) He

got you chocolates?!

DAVE

(Looks back at the flowers with

regret. Looks at the chocolates with

relief.)

I have a gift for you...

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

But only losers give girls chocolate! Like what do

they want you to do with them? Eat them? I mean,

"here you go, eat these and gain 20 pounds and a face

full of pimples! And to top that off, I’m lactose

intolerant, and that would bring on the runs. (Beat.)

Shut up! I don’t care that I said that. It’s not like

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

AMANDA (cont’d)there is anyone around me. And like I said, chocolates

are so bad that if anyone gave me some, I’d probably

throw them at his face.

DAVE

(Quickly gets rid of the

chocolates. Shyly.)

Um...hello, Amanda...I just wanted to say that I think

that...you are the most beautiful girl in school and-

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Well that’s sweet of him and all, but guys who keep

calling women "beautiful" or "amazing" are just

suck-ups, pushovers, and wimps! (Beat.) No! I don’t

care! Remember when that one loser in 6th grade called

me "beautiful"? (Beat.) Yeah, I made sure I beat him

good and threw him into the trash can.

DAVE

(Becomes slightly shocked but tries hard

to calm down.)

I meant...I just was wondering-

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

And strangers with gifts?! Oh here’s a random box of

surprises! Like you could get boxes of either a pair

of shoes or a box full of steamy vomit. (Beat.) Yeah

it’s happened before and I don’t want to talk about...

DAVE

(Defeated and sighs. Tosses the gifts.)

I was just wondering-

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Yeah, but we definitely need to go shopping later!

DAVE

You know...that maybe some time later...

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Yeah, I’ll chat with ya later hun!

DAVE

If you were not busy...

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Have fun at with waxing your uni-brow!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

DAVE

That we could-

AMANDA

(Getting annoyed from Dave. To her

phone:)

Hold on. Some loser is trying to interrupt my phone

call. (Beat.) I know, it’s rude. But I guess I’ll

just call you later.

(To Dave:)

Why are you being so rude?

DAVE

I’m not being rude?

AMANDA

Are you sure, because it seems like it.

DAVE

I’m not trying to be...

AMANDA

What do you want, Dave?

DAVE

(Innocently.)

Wait, weren’t you listening to anything I was saying?

AMANDA

(Blows it out of proportions.)

Well, I WAS on the phone. You think that you are sooo

cool that I should just listen to you ALL the

time?! Like you are some king right?!

DAVE

No, I didn’t mean it like that all!

AMANDA

Then what WERE you trying to say?!

DAVE

(Not to the point.)

Um,...well I was just wondering-

AMANDA

Well say it already! Stop being such a loser!

DAVE

Sorry, I-

AMANDA

Don’t apologize like a wimp! My mom use to tell me

that a guy who can’t talk is usually a creepy, weak,

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

AMANDA (cont’d)low-self-esteemed loser who probably sleeps with a

night light and cries himself until he passes out from

their miserable life. And!

DAVE

(Getting more and more

frustrated. Holds back.)

Please, quit...

AMANDA

Quit what? You lame, pathetic, no-good, dumb excuse

for a dude who-

DAVE

(Unleashes his rage.)

Will you just shut up?!! Geez! All I wanted to do was

be nice to you and try to date you, but you had to go

psycho and become such an abusive freak! You spend all

your time on the phone being rude by just ignoring me

and insulting me while doing so! Then you freak out on

me for doing nothing?! You are crazy!

AMANDA

(Is dead quiet as if gasping.)

DAVE

Do you know what? I’m better than this and I don’t

need some abusive chick who does nothing but take a

sledgehammer to someone’s self-confidence. I don’t

need you, so forget this...

(Starts to walk away.)

AMANDA

Wait Dave...

DAVE

(Turns around. Annoyed.)

What now?

AMANDA

I just didn’t know...I’ve never seen this side of you

before, Dave. How you told me off like that and the

way you walked out on me...it was so...manly.

(Extra emphasis on "manly".)

DAVE

What are you talking about?

AMANDA

It just makes me want to get closer to you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

DAVE

Wait what?

AMANDA

It’s so attractive.

(Holds onto him.)

DAVE

(Question that lingers.)

What just happened?

Lights fade out. Exeunt Dave and Amanda.

[CUE MODERN SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN.]

Scene 7


scene.

JESSICA

I would have never guessed that Dave would have such an

attractive rebellious personality. Did you see how he

just took charge? He was such a real man...Now let’s

move onto our last time period. A time period of

robots, hovercrafts, and aliens! Just kidding! Or are

we? With the help of our highly-trained scientifical

engineers, we at LOL inc. have created a highly

realistic prediction of what life would be 300 years

into the future. Exciting?! I know I am! Let’s see

how the man of tomorrow handles the situation of

wooing.


[CUE FUTURISTIC SOUNDS]

Lights fade in. Enters Future Girl, a proper,

advance, in-charge woman.

FUTURE GIRL

(Coming back from a shopping trip,

carrying an excessive amount of

bags. Stops; looks at the floor with

disgust. Puts bags offstage for a bit

and then returns to inspect the

floor. Is disgusted with her findings.)

This floor is disgusting! Where is he?

(Presses a button on her watch or etc.;

a siren goes out.)

Enters Future Guy, an inferior-looking,

dirt-covered man, running out and sliding onto his

knees before her.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

FUTURE GUY

(Exhausted and nervous for what is to

happen next. Starts cleanning her shoes

with a rag.)

You called for me master?

FUTURE GIRL

(Moves her foot away casually.)

Have you mowed all 200 acres of the yard?

FUTURE GUY

Of course ma’am.

FUTURE GIRL

Trimmed all 50 hedges?

FUTURE GUY

Every inch.

FUTURE GIRL

How about washing every cat and dog in the master pen?

FUTURE GUY

Every hair and claw. Got some claw marks on my b-

FUTURE GIRL

What about painting the home?

FUTURE GUY

Like a rainbow as you asked.

FUTURE GIRL

And what about the floors?

FUTURE GUY

I’ve cleaned them 2 hours ago.

FUTURE GIRL

(Finally hitting a nerve, but calmly:)

Two...hours ago?

FUTURE GUY

(Nervously:)

Did I do something wrong?

FUTURE GIRL

When do you ever do something right? However, this is

unacceptable, I remember specifically telling you to

clean these floors every and only ever hour.

FUTURE GUY

Ma’am, I apologize but I’ve been busy with the other

task that I could not-

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

FUTURE GIRL

Enough. I don’t need a man to tell me what a busy day

is like. But it is quite adorable that you would

suggest such a thing. But if you haven’t forgotten the

rules of this society: men are inferior and women are

superior.

FUTURE GUY

I understand ma’am, but it was almost impossible to

keep up with every single job-

FUTURE GIRL

Adorable, you’re still going at it. I’ll humor you and

try to act like you’re actually competent. What is the

main law in this society?

FUTURE GUY

(Unsure.)

Women are superior?

FUTURE GIRL

Silly boy, I’ve already said that. But it’s not like

you could have figured that out. The right answer is

that not only are women superior than men, but men must

obey to the superior species. These laws have been in

effect for almost 300 years since the great change in

power long ago by the great female triumvirate: Hilary

Clinton, Sarah Palin, and the all powerful Oprah. But

I’ll spare you the history lesson. It’s not like you

could understand it anyways. You are more inferior

than these shoes.

FUTURE GUY

I am?

FUTURE GIRL

Of course. Have you seen these beauties? With these

I’m the center of attention. All you are good for is

simple yard work and manual labor. How barbaric.

FUTURE GUY

(Nervous to speak his mind but then

mutters agreement:)

I only serve you ma’am.

FUTURE GIRL

I suppose that is an adequate statement, however, I’m

unsure of your capability now that you have failed

me. I had to send the last slave to the Barbie

Execution Center...you wouldn’t want me to have to do

it again, right?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

FUTURE GUY

(Full of fear:)

Yes, ma’am! Anything but that!

FUTURE GIRL

(Ignoring his words)

So you are saying you wouldn’t want me to have you

dragged away to a very, VERY, scary place?

FUTURE GUY

No ma’am! Please, anything!

FUTURE GIRL

Very well. I suppose I’m feeling quite the good mood

today so I’ll spare your petty little life today. Now

clean these floors until my reflection can see itself.

FUTURE GUY

I’m on it!

(Begins cleaning vigorously)

Must clean...don’t want to go to Barbie Execution

Center...

FUTURE GIRL

It’s quite funny how the roles have changed if you ever

knew your history. Apparently from what I’ve learned,

about 360 or so years ago, we would have switched

roles, but how hilarious is that thought?

FUTURE GUY

(Under his breath:)

Man, those would’ve been the days...

FUTURE GIRL

(Suspicious:)

What was that?

FUTURE GUY

(Nervous:)

I just said that you are completely right. That sounds

like ridiculous times. I would rather serve you.

FUTURE GIRL

Ah. That is a good inferior man.

(Pets him.)

If you were to speak your mind, I would’ve called the

Prada Police and have them beat some sense into, but

since your comment was nice, I’ll decide against it.

FUTURE GUY

Thank you ma’am.

(Still cleaning.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.

FUTURE GIRL

(Watching. Beat.)

How well did you do in the Annual Macy’s Day

Extermination Physical Exams?

FUTURE GUY

They told me I scored 9 points of 10. Everyone else

lower than 7 were sent to the North Pole to collect

ice.

FUTURE GIRL

Yes, it was in the news. Does that mean you are an

efficient man? I’m not sure if we could base that on

your laziness lately...however, I’ve come up with an

idea. Alright, stop cleaning!

FUTURE GUY

(Stops and just keeps his head down.)

FUTURE GIRL

I’ve looked past it before, but I’ve noticed you, as an

inferior male, happens to have special qualities...and

because of those qualities, I’ve decided that from now

on...you will be my personal inferior pet. Well,

fourth one this month. The last one ran away and they

sent in vicious Chiuauas after him. It was not a very

pretty site. But I’ve decided that you are my new one.

FUTURE GUY

(Genuinely excited:)

Really ma’am?! That would be a great honor!

FUTURE GIRL

Of course it would be, but then again you probably

don’t know what that means. But no time for

explanations. You will start today by wiping all the

windows, washing all the cars, cleaning my pool, raking

all the leaves, and carrying all my shopping bags at

the Holy Grounds: The Central Mall!

FUTURE GUY

Thank you ma’am! I will not fail you! Thank you,

thank you, thank you!

(Attempts to kiss her feet, but she

shakes him off.)

FUTURE GIRL

(Recalling a thought:)

Hmm...I remember reading an ancient article at the

Grand Library. I think the name of the manuscript was

called: Cos-mo-pol-i-tan? Yes. I think that is what

it was called. But there was an interesting article

that said people like you use to be refered to

as...boyfriends.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 30.

Lights fade out. Exuent Future Girl and Future

Guy.

[CUE FUTURISTIC SOUNDS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

Scene 8

Lights fade in on Jessica and Nevil who are

standing next to each other facing the audience.

[CUE COMMERCIAL SONG]

JESSICA

(To the audience:)

Now wasn’t that just wonderful? I can tell from all of

your expressions you can’t wait to place your

orders. With our video from the Lovers or Lame-O’s

inc., you will get fantastic information that will

change how the common man sees picking up women. You

will get information that will transform any guy into

an irresistible, expert pick-up artist!

(Looks at Nevil and then back to the

audience.)

Well almost any guy...

NEVIL

(Confused.)

Wait, what does that mean? Almost any guy?

JESSICA

(To Nevil:)

It means that there is a lonely boy who has a case

beyond repair.

NEVIL

Who is that?

JESSICA

Well let’s just say you and him have A LOT in common.

NEVIL

He’s...like me?

JESSICA

Just kidding!! He actually is you.

NEVIL

Hey I take offense to that! I don’t appreciate your

harsh name-call-

JESSICA

(Ecstatic.)

Don’t care! So what did you learn so far from this

amazing video, Nerdy?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

NEVIL

It’s Nevil...

JESSICA

(Still smiling.)

Whatever.

NEVIL

Well...all I got from the video was that in order to

successfully perform the ritual of-

(Quote fingers.)

-"picking up women"-

(Counts on his hand.)

-a guy needs to be a violent club-wielding Neanderthal;

a dim-witted, courageous brute; an arrogant, wealthy

man who has no personality; a cheesy, spineless,

persistent desperado; a verbally-abusive jerk; or a

complete pushover.

JESSICA

(Dazed.)

They all sound so dreamy...

NEVIL

More like ridiculous! I can’t believe that a girl

would fall for any of those!

JESSICA

What’s gotten you upset this time, Nerdy?

NEVIL

Nevil!

JESSICA

Whatever.

NEVIL

(Sigh.)

I just thought that girls would appreciate a man who

was more...nicer?

JESSICA

What are you talking about?

NEVIL

It’s been known that long ago, men would be polite and

be true gentlemen to their respective lady and they

would even-

JESSICA

Stop. I hate history. I failed that class.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 32.

NEVIL

For some reason I’m not surprised...but what I was

trying to say was that girls should like guys who are

nice.

JESSICA

Oh Nevil, don’t be so Navee.

NEVIL

Don’t you mean Naive?

JESSICA

And that’s why you are lonely.

NEVIL

(Defeated.)

Yeah I know...I’m just sick of how the "bad boys"

always get the girl over the nice guys like me.

JESSICA

What do you mean by "nice"?

NEVIL

Like opening doors, getting gifts, being supportive,

and someone to depend on?

JESSICA

You call that nice? Women don’t like that at

all! Trust me, girls don’t like those types of guys

until they’ve been with their men for a LOOOOOOOOONG

time. Actually, the nicest thing a guy could do that

women really want would be for them to remember to put

the toilet seat down.

NEVIL

I leave the toilet seat down...

JESSICA

With no women in your house, leaving it down is just

weird. Trust me, LOL’s Cure to Chronic Dating Lameness

is the only way to learn how to pick up women.

NEVIL

But what about honesty and respect? Don’t those matter

at all to women?

JESSICA

Listen here Nerdy-

NEVIL

It’s-forget it...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 33.

JESSICA

If you want to pick up women, then you need to

lie. Everyone does. We humans lie so much it’s

encoded in our brains as babies after we are born. Men

lie all the time. I mean seriously...does every man

drive a fancy car? Or can they all kick box? And how

can every single guy happen to rescue an old lady from

drowning in a single week? Guys will say almost

anything to seem more appealing to the opposite

gender...sometimes even for the same gender. But

either way, the basic idea is...guys lie to get dates.

NEVIL

So you are saying that all I need to do is lie...in

order to get a girl to date me?

JESSICA

You are a quick learner, Nerdy.

NEVIL

That sounds completely irrational-

JESSICA

(To the audience:)

Moving on! Now that you’ve seen how this video teaches

the history of picking up women, every one of you is

probably feeling great because you know our techniques,

however, there are always cases where a relationship

can become awkward and a horrible experience. So what

are you suppose to do? Suffer? Not at all! LOL’s

Cure to Chronic Dating Lameness video comes with a

second part: the history of breaking up with women!

NEVIL

This just doesn’t seem right...was LOL inc. always

named like that?

JESSICA

Well they use to be the Women’s Brainwashing Company,

but they changed it last year.

NEVIL

Yeah...that’s not suspicious at all...

JESSICA

Exactly! Now let’s see how to finally say goodbye to

that pain in the rear by learning from the men who

invented it!

NEVIL

I find no educational point to this...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 34.

JESSICA

Just shut up and watch the video!

(Short cough.)

I mean, let’s check back with our previous couples.

(Smiles.)


Scene 9


next scene.

JESSICA

In the beginning, the art of breaking up with women

began when the prehistoric man became uninterested in

his mate. He would soon find that creating fire and

wheels as more important and eventually learn the art

of breaking up. And after research by our

decently-trained archeologists, we have discovered what

they would have done in those desperate times.


[CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS]

Lights fade in on the cavewoman.

CAVEWOMAN

(Crouched down either playing with a

twig, drawing pictures in the ground, or

eating something.)

Enters Caveman.

CAVEMAN

(Slowly walks out to see Cavewoman and

then goes back out. Slowly re-enters

carrying a giant necklace with a ham on

it. Gets closer and closer and

cautiously looks around as if some giant

beast will appear soon.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Becomes alert and looks up. Becomes

happy at the sight of Caveman and goes

for an embrace.)

CAVEMAN

(Tries to avoid it by running around the

stage for a bit.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 35.

CAVEWOMAN

(Chases him with arms stretched out.)

CAVEMAN

(Stops and holds out the necklace as a

last resort.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Examines it. Takes it and puts it

on. Becomes happier. Embraces

caveman.)

CAVEMAN

(Tries to push her off.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Pulled off and sits where she started

at. Offers a twig.)

CAVEMAN

(Declines with gestures and slowly walks

off stage.)

CAVEWOMAN

(Turns away from him and goes back to

what she was doing.)

CAVEMAN

(As he is about to exit, he turns to his

opposite stage side and whistle. Runs

offstage.)(Beat.)

Exeunt Caveman.

[CUE VICIOUS DINOSAUR SOUND]

CAVEWOMAN

(Becomes frightened. Slowly looks up at

the audience with horrified expression.)

Lights fade out. Exeunt Cavewoman.

[CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

Scene 10


next scene.

JESSICA

Wow...That was...INCREDIBLE! Caution: the use of

prehistoric dinosaurs to get rid of girlfriends is

physically impossible and even if it were possible, it

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 36.

JESSICA (cont’d)would be completely ILLEGAL. I mean, what an immature

way to break up with someone, right? Now let’s get

back with our special Roman couple and see how our

brave little Roman handles the break up situation.


[CUE ROMAN TRUMPETS]

Lights fade in on Aurelius staring off at the

horizon in the audience’s direction.

AURELIUS

(Dreamily.)

I wonder how my brave Perus is doing in the Great

Coliseum? I hope he is safe, but then again he is such

a strong and courageous man. And he chooses me to be

his love! How romantic it is to think about him

sometimes. To imagine how he would fight legions of

men for my love. Yes, that is my Perus. He will

return with a great romantic love and then hold onto

me. Then he will tell me how beautiful I am and it

will be the most romantic night ever!

PERUS

(Off-stage:)

My dear Aurelius! I’ve returned from the Coliseum!

AURELIUS

There he is! I knew he would return! And here he

comes with my romantic love.

Enters Perus, covered in dirt, sweat, and dried

blood.

PERUS

Hello Aurelius, you are looking nice today.

AURELIUS

(Confused and slightly disappointed.)

Nice?

PERUS

Yeah, you look nice today. What’s wrong?

AURELIUS

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. How was your battles in

the Coliseum?

PERUS

They were great! I ended up fighting tons of soldiers,

gladiators, lions, and one shark!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 37.

AURELIUS

In the water?!

PERUS

Well no, they forgot to fill the Coliseum with water so

it was more like a shark out of water. Scary actually,

that it was chasing me the entire time.

AURELIUS

A shark...out of water...was chasing you?

PERUS

You’re surprised?

AURELIUS

Actually yes? How was the shark chasing you?

PERUS

It was on a chariot. It’s head was off the side and it

was chomping away. Quite scary actually.

AURELIUS

I think the Coliseum is getting weirder and weirder

every day...

(Changing the subject.)

Anyways, my dear Perus, have you missed me at all?

PERUS

Yes, in fact I have. Actually, during one of my

fights, I proclaimed your name to the people-

AURELIUS

(Excited.)

While fighting single-handly against troops of

soldiers?

PERUS

More like killing a bear.

AURELIUS

(Shocked and disgusted.)

That’s barbaric! What do you think this place

is? Sparta?

PERUS

(Chuckles and grins.)

That was a good movie.

(Coughs.)

I mean, my dear Aurelius, I did it in our love!

AURELIUS

Only a bear? That’s how strong our love is?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 38.

PERUS

My dear Aurelius. I’ve fought armies of soldiers and

gladiators. I’ve defeated the fiercest of

beasts. That is how strong our love is. I would

protect you even if all the gods and goddesses were to

take you away!

AURELIUS

(Deeply moved.)

Oh Perus! You have deeply moved me and now my heart

calls out to you! I use to doubt it before, but now I

see you as the one I want to spend my life with!

PERUS

You are the love of my life and nothing would want me

to change that otherwise.

AURELIUS

Perus, we will be together through the eternities

through death and then in the heavens beside the

gods. You will be mine and I’ll be yours...forever.

PERUS

(Suddenly uncomfortable.)

Wait, did you say forever?

AURELIUS

Yes? What’s wrong with that?

PERUS

Um nothing, nothing at all. I just um, remembered that

I have another fight at the Coliseum.

AURELIUS

Oh, well since you’ve won so many battles, it shouldn’t

be a problem to win and then return to me.

PERUS

Actually...my dear Aurelius, I’m sorry I haven’t, um,

told you about this. This next fight will be, uh, a

very difficult match where most likely I will be killed

in a very violent death.

AURELIUS

What?! A violent death? That’s horrible!

PERUS

It would also be best to disregard anyone who may look

like me afterward on the streets because it will only

cause you pain and misery.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 39.

AURELIUS

This is just...so sudden. Perus, what am I going to do

without you?

PERUS

I have no idea, but we cannot tempt the heavens. My

fate is sealed. I’m sorry I couldn’t spend an eternity

with you...

(Under his breath:)

Thank goodness...

AURELIUS

What was that?

PERUS

Nothing my love, but I hear the horns calling me away

to my doom. Farewell...

(Walks towards offstage and under his

breath:)

...and good riddance.

(Charges off.)

For Rome!!!

Exeunt Perus.

AURELIUS

(Crying.)

No Perus! Why! Now who will I love?

(Calms down a bit.)

I’ve never courted with an emperor before...guess

there’s a start for everything.

Lights fade out. Exeunt Aurelius.

[CUE ROMAN TRUMPETS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

Scene 11


next scene.

JESSICA

Envious don’t you think? Heading off into a dangerous

environment, against dozens of other gladiators, prides

of lions, dying in a horrific loss instead of just

quitting and being with Aurelius? I know what you’re

thinking: he sure has dedication. Anyways, let’s

jitterbug on down back to our 50’s couple.


[CUE WELL-KNOWN 50’S SONG.]

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 40.

Lights fade in. Michael enters.

MICHAEL

(Enters quickly while looking back from

where he came. Paranoid.)

STACY

(Offstage:)

Oh, Michael!

MICHAEL

(Nervously pacing. Somewhat terrified.)

Are you kidding me?! First, I lose her and then I walk

all the way through all of those construction yards and

junkyards, and she still manages to keep up?!

STACY

(Offstage:)

Where are you?!

MICHAEL

What do I do? Should I run? Should I stay? What am I

saying, of course I should go!

STACY

(Offstage:)

Found you!

MICHAEL

(Glumly.)

Too late...

Enters Stacy.

STACY

(Excited. Quickly comes over to hold

onto Michael.)

I’ve been looking all over for you! I thought I saw

you go through the construction and junkyard, so I

walked through but I almost got lost. It would’ve been

a sad day, but it’s a good thing I found, you

know. I’ve missed you a bunch.

MICHAEL

(Uncomfortable.)

I missed you too...since ten minutes ago when I left

you at the sock hop...

STACY

(Happy.)

Oh silly, you and your hiding games. Always running

off and making me have to find you. You were doing

pretty well this time. I checked the grocery, your

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 41.

STACY (cont’d)home, the neighbors, and even in all the trees to make

sure. But then I found you, so I win!

MICHAEL

Just a game...right.

STACY

(Holds onto him tightly.)

Oh Michael. Dating you was the best decision of my

life. Think about our future. We can buy a large

mansion with maids and butlers. We can have a row of

cars and elegant art decorate the halls of our

home. We could sail across the ocean on a yacht while

everyone watches in envy.

MICHAEL

Sounds...amazing...

STACY

And think about our wedding! We’ll have a giant cake,

and everyone will be there! You will be mine and I’ll

be yours! Maybe we should look for dresses this

weekend! Oh Michael, you will be a great husband.

MICHAEL

(Pushes her away several times.)

STACY

(Clings back over and over regardless of

how many times he pushes her away.)

MICHAEL

Stacy...maybe it would be best to not make any rash

assumptions.

STACY

What’s that mean?

MICHAEL

It means we should take our time and NOT try to plan

out our ENTIRE futures.

STACY

Oh Michael, I understand EXACTLY what you mean. Don’t

worry. I’ve only picked out...

(Takes a few seconds to pick and then

uses gestures to portray her next line.)

Only three of our seven kids’ names.

(Smiles.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 42.

MICHAEL

(Violently coughs and moves away,

hunched over toward the floor.)

STACY

(Shocked.)

What’s wrong?!

MICHAEL

I think I almost threw up...

STACY

Are you okay?!

MICHAEL

Yeah...I might have caught something...

STACY

Well I can nurse you back to health.

MICHAEL

(Rises quickly.)

No need for that, I’m fine.

(Violently coughs.)

Just fine. I’m perfectly fine.

STACY

Well if you say so.

MICHAEL

Anyways...three kids out of seven? Isn’t that kind of-

STACY

I could come up with the other four names right now if

you wished dearie?

MICHAEL

I think that will be unnecessary.

STACY

Okay!

(Rests back onto him.)

It’s just like what everyone is talking about. The

great American dream. You’ll be a rich lawyer making

money while I stay at home and take care of our

children. We’ll all be happy together.

MICHAEL

(Under his breath.)

I didn’t think the American Dream would be so horrible.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 43.

STACY

What was that dear?

MICHAEL

Um! I said I didn’t think the American Dream would be

so wonderful!

STACY

Exactly! Oh Michael, we will be happy together,

FOREVER.

MICHAEL

Um Stacy, could you go get a newspaper for me?

STACY

Why? I don’t want to leave you.

MICHAEL

If you do, I’ll get you a nice car?

STACY

A convertible?!

MICHAEL

Sure, now get the paper honey.

STACY

(Smiles and excited. Skips offstage.)

Exeunt Stacy.

MICHAEL

(Paces back and forth. Extremely

nervous.)

Oh no! What do I do now? She’s gotten too obsessed

with me! She wants a mansion, a yacht, a convertible,

and seriously...SEVEN KIDS?! All I wanted was a date

to the Harvard Ball and maybe a kiss goodnight. I

didn’t ask for THIS?! This has completely gotten out

of hand!

(Beat.)

Alright, how can I fix this problem. Should I tie her

to a railroad? No, too messy. Maybe send her to the

moon? Impossible. No person can get to the

moon. Hmm...what would Elvis do...Jailhouse rock...got

it. I could try to send her to jail! But how...

STACY

(Offstage:)

Oh Michael dearest!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 44.

MICHAEL

Oh no, she’s coming back!

Enters Stacy, holding a newspaper.

STACY

Michael, what’s a...

(Reading from the newspaper:)

"Communist"? It says here that many actors are being

collected by the U.S. government, but it doesn’t say

why.

MICHAEL

(Gains a genius idea.)

Stacy my dear...they are actually being rounded up so

the country can give them a national award for bringing

peace!

STACY

But I’ve been hearing about the Koreans and Russians.

MICHAEL

I can assure you that the Communists have brought that

to an end. They are the peace makers of this

world. Actually, Stacy...would you happen to be one?

STACY

I think I am! I love world peace!

MICHAEL

This is great! If you are one, shout it to the world,

Stacy! Free for all to hear!

STACY

(Gradually getting louder, she steps

forward with excitement.)

I am...a Communist! I am a Communist! I am a

Communist!

MICHAEL

(Edging away from her toward offstage.)

This woman is a Communist!

Exeunt Michael.

[CUE POLICE SIRENS AND LIGHTS]

STACY

(Nervously and raising both arms toward

the audience.)

I...am a Communist?

Lights fade out. Exeunt Stacy.

45.

[CUE WELL-KNOWN 50’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN.]

Scene 12


next scene.

JESSICA

That performance would’ve made McCarthy proud. If only

she was wearing a red dress, she could be nicknamed,

"The Red Scare"?

(Cheesy wink.)

Not funny? Didn’t think so. Anyways, let’s go check

up on our 80’s couple.


[CUE WELL-KNOWN 80’S SONG]

Lights fade in on Megan sitting in the same spot

as Scene 5. Enter Chance.

CHANCE

(Sadly moves towards Megan. Stands next

to her.)

Hey toots. We have some things to talk about.

MEGAN

(Not moving away from her magazine.)

You sure like to do that a lot, huh?

CHANCE

(Over-dramatically looking away.)

Baby...I don’t know how to say this...and it really

hurts me to say it...

(Takes out his pocketbook, flips a few

pages, and reads:)

Megan...you’re the coolest, most beautiful, and

funniest woman I have ever met...

(Beat.)

But...I’m a Scorpio and you’re a Libra and I don’t see

a future with that.

(Dramatically looks away.)

MEGAN

That reminds me, I should probably check my horoscope

later.

CHANCE

(Confused, but then goes back to his

book.)

Um...I just discovered I have a mild form of epilepsy

and you bring on attacks because you make me too

excited to be around you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 46.

MEGAN

You should probably go to the doctor then.

CHANCE

(Rises, frustrated. Straightens himself

up and whispers to himself:)

I might have to be a little harsher so she gets it...

(Sits back down. Takes out his book and

finds another line.)

I have a pet dog. He kisses like you, his breath is

like yours, and he plays like you. I love him dearly,

but I wouldn’t want to marry him. Let’s part before

this goes any further.

MEGAN

Well if you married your own dog that’d be wei-rrrr-d.

CHANCE

The mother ship has returned and I must leave. Pay no

attention to my android double when you see it.

MEGAN

(Does the Star Trek sign.)

Live long and prosper nerd.

CHANCE

(Gets up and utters:)

Alright...no more holding back...

(Sits back down and is ready.)

Hey look at my horoscope!...A new love in your

life...Well, gotta follow my guiding star...

MEGAN

Hey check mine too!

CHANCE

(Looks at her confused.)

What?

MEGAN

Ohhh, nevermind. You’re TOO busy.

(Goes back to her magazine.)

CHANCE

Roses are red, violets are blue. Garbage is dumped,

now so are YOU!

MEGAN

Awww, that’s poetry. How did you know I loved poetry?

CHANCE

(Sulks shaking his head in

disbelief. Takes another line from his

book.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 47.

There’s been a death in the family and I can’t handle

us being together anymore...my hamster will be buried

tomorrow...

MEGAN

I told you that he was gonna die sooner or later. Just

lazily sitting around eating all the time like that.

CHANCE

(Extremely upset.)

I loved that hamster!!

(Almost into tears.)

MEGAN

Well you both had a lot in common...

CHANCE

What’s that suppose to mean?

MEGAN

Yeah...back to my stories.

CHANCE

(Stares in frustration.)

I can’t believe this...

(Gets up. Becomes very serious.)

It comes down to this...I’ve never used this line in a

long time, but it’s time to use it. It’s the most

powerful line ever, one of which has gotten me out of

hundreds of relationships...well more like three...it’s

been a bad year. I’m sure it’ll work.

(Dramatically pulls out a piece of paper

from his pocket and dramatically holds

it up. Looks over towards Megan and

then slowly moves back to sit down.)

Sorry...I just never realized how ugly you are.

MEGAN

(Violently offended.)

What is THAT suppose to mean?!

CHANCE

(Awkwardly smiles.)

Hi.

MEGAN

Don’t hi me!

(Smacks him.)

Do you know what?! You’re a loser!

CHANCE

(The smack sends to the ground

screaming.)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 48.

CHANCE (cont’d)Ahhhh!!!!! My face!!!

MEGAN

Pathetic moron!! Why don’t you just go away and never

talk to me every again!

(Smacks him again as he rises.)

CHANCE

(Clutching to his face.)

It hurts!!! Ahhh!!!

MEGAN

I hope your face hurts forever!! And you’re gut too!

CHANCE

What?!

MEGAN

(Kicks him in the gut and storms off.)

Loser!

Exeunt Megan.

CHANCE

(In pain and a fetal position. After

groaning in pain for a few long seconds,

slowly rises up onto the bench. Takes a

few breaths and then smiles.)

Works every time.

Lights fade out. Exeunt Chance.

[CUE WELL-KNOWN 80’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

Scene 13


next scene.

JESSICA

I’ll assume she will never want to see him again. That

act of forming such great, smooth-flowing words was

incredibly fantastic! He’s as smooth as---I’ll spare

you the witty puns after that display of

UN-affection. I know. I’m hilarious.

(Laugh, but then sigh.)

Now let’s take a look at our couple from the present,

and see how our Dave can knock some sense into Amanda!


[CUE MODERN SONG]

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 49.

Lights fade in on Amanda still on the phone.

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Oh. My. Gosh! (Beat.) No he didn’t!

(Girly scream.)

He took you to a movie?! That’s super sweet! If you

ask me, he likes your perfect match! (Beat.) You think

you’re in love? When did you meet him?! (Beat.)

Yesterday? Oh. Well that’s long enough then. But

that’s so cute! Dave never takes me anywhere. It’s

like he doesn’t care. (Beat.) Yeah, sometimes I wonder

what he thinks about, but you know how guys are, all

they care about is fart jokes and burping contests.

(Beat.)

(Annoying laugh)

Oh Becky! That is so mean. But so funny!

Enters Dave.

DAVE

(In dismay:)

Amanda...we need to talk. We’ve been having some

issues-

AMANDA

(Holds up her hand to gesture him to be

quiet. Then points to her phone and

continues talking:)

Yeah I know Becky! Boys are very dumb. Like who needs

them anyways? All they do is just smell bad and raid

your fridge.

DAVE

(Overhears:)

I’ve NEVER done that...fine it was one time, but that’s

besides the point!

AMANDA

(Covers the mouthpiece. To Dave:)

Dave, I’m on the phone.

(Returns to the phone conversation.)

DAVE

(Frustrated)

You’re ALWAYS on the phone! Every second of every

minute of every hour of every day, that phone is next

to your ear! When you’re in the shower, when you

sleep, and even when you’re eating heavily-sauced

hotwings...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 50.

AMANDA

(To the phone:)

We so need to go to the mall later today! (Beat.) I

know, and then we can go to that new store, try on

dresses, and get double frap moo lattes!

DAVE

(Confused at "double frap moo lattes".)

AMANDA

(To the phone:)

Then...(Beat.) SHOE SHOPPING!

(Excited scream.)

DAVE

Can you even hear me?

AMANDA

(To the phone:)

Yeah I remember when we went to Hollister? (Beat.) You

thought that guy was hot? Omg...you are such a flirt!

(Whispers:)

But it’s okay...I thought he was hot too. (Beat.) I

know! His muscles were just so well-toned.

DAVE

(Even more frustrated.)

I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You do know that I

can hear you right?

AMANDA

(To Dave:)

Dave, I’m in the middle of a conversation, stop being

so rude.

(Back to her phone:)

Sorry. (Beat.) No, it wasn’t anything special, just

my boyfriend. Have you ever noticed that Dave has like

no muscles? (Beat.) Yeah, not like that one cute guy.

DAVE

Yeah, I’m just your boyfriend. The guy you are

DATING! You know, the guy who takes you on DATES?!

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

I’m hungry. Let’s go out to lunch! (Beat.) I don’t

know where to go. Where do you want to

go? (Beat.) No you decide! (Beat.) I decided last

time! It’s your turn! (Beat.) Fine. I’ll decide.

DAVE

(Getting more and more frustrated.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 51.

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

I’m in the mood for...Chinese? (Beat.) Chinese it is!

DAVE

You’re always like this! You never listen to me! You

spend more time on that stupid phone than with me!

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Did you know that Dave sometimes gets jealous that I

talk on the phone more than to him? (Beat.) I

know! How dumb is he? I mean like I could date a

phone.

DAVE

I...never felt that, I just wanted-

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

What? What’s that whiny sound on my side of the phone?

(Beat.) I have no idea. Probably just static.

DAVE

(Extremely upset.)

That’s it!

(Grabbing the phone, he throws it at the

ground and stomps on it a few times out

of pure rage. She stares shocked as he

calms.)

There. Now you will finally be able to hear me...

AMANDA

(Shocked at first. Both look down at

the phone in sync, and then back up to

each others eyes. She smiles and simply

pulls out another phone, dials, and to

her phone:)

Oh hey! (Beat.) What happened? Oh, Dave just threw my

other phone on the ground. (Beat.) Yeah it’s funny how

he always wants attention.

DAVE

(Angry.)

You got to be kidding me! How can I get a hold of a

girl who only spends time on a phone?! (Beat.)

(An obvious idea springs to his mind.)

Duh.

AMANDA

(Holding a conversation about anything

insignificant.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 52.

DAVE

(Takes out his phone and dials.)

[CUE CELL PHONE RING: A RIDICULOUS RINGTONE]

AMANDA

(To her phone:)

Hold on, I have another call on the other line.

(Pulls her phone away, presses a button

to answer. Positively.)

Hello?

DAVE

(Happy.)

Hey babe!

AMANDA

(Happier.)

Hey Dave!

DAVE

(Even Happier.)

Guess what?!

AMANDA

(Extremely Happy.)

What?!

DAVE

(Monotone.)

Yeah, I’m breaking up with you.

(Hangs up the phone and walks off stage

in a happy-go-lucky fashion.)

Exeunt Dave.

AMANDA

(Stands motionless for a few seconds as

her smile slowly falls. Quickly dials

her phone. To her phone and almost in

tears.)

Becky! You won’t guess what just happened! (Beat.) No,

I didn’t step on the scale, Dave just broke up with me!

(Beat.) I know! Dave is a big loser!

Lights fade off. Exeunt Amanda.

[CUE MODERN SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]

53.

Scene 14


next scene.

JESSICA

Such amazing communication skills. How he was so

direct and assertive...

(Daydreams.)

Anyways, Amanda should have tons to talk about.

(Downhill.)

All alone! Now let’s check our final couple of the

future!

(Dramatic pose. Sigh.)

They don’t pay me enough for this.


[CUE FUTURISTIC SOUNDS]

Lights fade in. Future Guy stumbles onto his

knees as if previously running in fear.

FUTURE GUY

(Out of breath.)

So...many...shopping bags...can’t handle it

anymore. Need to...escape. But where do I go?

(Gets up and quickly looks for a way to

escape but finds nothing.)

What do I do?

(Becomes teary.)

What can I do? I don’t want to do this anymore.

(Alert.)

She’s going to be here any minute...how do I escape

this-

FUTURE GIRL

(Offstage and sincerely:)

Boyfriend! Where are you?

FUTURE GUY

(Scared for his life. High-pitch

screams:)

Ahhh!! This is bad. This is bad. Wait. Maybe I can

jump out the windows!

(Runs off one side of the stage and

returns shortly after.)

Forgot we are ten stories off the ground... I got

it! The toilet!

(Runs off stage.)

[CUE TOILET FLUSH SOUND]

(Returns with head soaked.)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 54.

FUTURE GUY (cont’d)

That did not work out as planned...

FUTURE GIRL

(Offstage and slightly furious:)

Boyfriend! Where are you?!

FUTURE GUY

(Scared.)

Oh no! She’s coming!

(Attempting to calm himself with

confidence.)

Alright...I can do this. I’m bigger, stronger, and

more smart than her...I can do this. I am...the man!

FUTURE GIRL

(Offstage:)

There you are!

FUTURE GUY

(Starts crying and goes into a fetal

position.)

I’m going to die...

Enters Future Girl.

FUTURE GIRL

I told you specifically to carry my 127 shopping bags,

try on 50 outfits, try on 63 perfumes, and then give me

your opinions on 171 pairs of shoes, is that so much to

ask? (Beat.) What do you think? Oh wait, silly me, I

forgot. You’re a man and can’t think. My mistake.

(Laugh.)

I am not happy with you though. A good boyfriend

doesn’t run off while I am shopping.

FUTURE GUY

(Weakly.)

But ma’am, it was just too much to manage...

FUTURE GIRL

Oh really? You think your life is so difficult? I

come from a spa, working four hours, long hours, on my

pores and rejuvenation. I spend an hour on getting my

nails painted and manicured. I have to constantly call

my friends while comparing dresses to wear. And to

make it even worse, I’ve only had one frappacino

today. Only one! Most women get at least two, but I

only get one. Think your life is so difficult? Ha,

what a joke.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 55.

FUTURE GUY

I understand that it is a difficult task ma’am, but

don’t you think...that my work may be a little

more...tedious?

FUTURE GIRL

Pathetic. Something that is incapible of thought is

going to tell me how to not only think but tell me that

my daily schedule is not difficult?!

(Becoming frustrated.)

I only get 14 hours a day. 10 hours of sleep a day,

mind you...well actually 2 hours are spent in the

bathroom in the morning, but that is besides the

point! I work really hard ordering my products;

watching my soap operas; and doing my hair. And what

do you do? Yard and housework? You will never

understand the value of hard work.

FUTURE GUY

(Weakly.)

But ma’am...

FUTURE GIRL

(Calming.)

Oh! You still have something to say? Alright, I’ll

humor you. What is it?

FUTURE GUY

It’s just...I’ve worked almost every second for the

past three months and I’m trying to meet your

standards, but it is very difficult some-

FUTURE GIRL

(Walks away and laughs.)

He says he’s trying to meet my standards. Funny,

because no man can accomplish such a task. Pathetic

for him to think he can.

FUTURE GUY

(Under his breath:)

Geez...can you please any woman?

FUTURE GIRL

(Overhearing:)

Did you just say what I think you just said?

FUTURE GUY

(Afraid.)

I said nothing ma’am!

FUTURE GIRL

(Getting furious.)

No I heard what you said!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 56.

FUTURE GUY

No ma’am! I didn’t mean it!

FUTURE GIRL

I can’t believe that I’ve been living with such a

selfish, undependable traitor! That’s it! I’m going

to call the Prada Police and report you for your

rebellious behavior!

FUTURE GUY

(Ultimately afraid.)

No ma’am! Anything but that!

FUTURE GIRL

Yes!! And do you understand what that means?! You

will spend the next 25 years in rehabilitation...forced

to watch reruns of women talk shows to wipe all

oppression from your mind. And then you will be sent

to the rock pits...where you will spend day after day,

hour after hour, second after grueling second, smashing

rocks for our saunas!

FUTURE GUY

(Crawls to her feet; begging and

crying.)

No ma’am! Anything but that! Please don’t send me!

Exeunt Future Girl.

(Kneels in desperation.)

What happened to the days of childhood...I miss those

fences of safety. I miss not having to worry about

what she wants. It’s always what she wants...and now

all that work...none of it matters. I’m going to be

tortured...brainwashed in prison...for 25 years...

(Realizes the situation fully.)

25 years! I can’t be locked away for 25 years! I have

to do something...but what can I do? What should I do?

(Gaining confidence.)

I have to do something. No longer can I stand for

these demeaning acts. No longer can I listen to her

demands. It is time to make a change. To make a

revolution.

Lights center on Future Guy.

(Looks up to the sky.)

Please...if there is a male god...give me

strength. They have oppressed us for too long and I

can no longer tolerate it. Please...give me a sign if

you will support my revolution...

Lights fade back to normal. Future Girl walks

back onstage.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 57.

FUTURE GIRL

(Still furious.)

I would’ve called the police...but there was a spider

on the phone and I didn’t want to touch it. But you

hear me now! Once that icky spider goes away! You are

so going to be sent to prison!

FUTURE GUY

(Looks up to the sky and whispers:)

Thank you.

FUTURE GIRL

What did you say?! Watch your-

FUTURE GIRL

No!!

(Rising to his feet, strong and firm.)

I have sat back and have done every single request to

satisfy every one of your whims. I have spent

countless hours performing the most laborious tasks,

but no longer...No longer will I stand with this

oppression! No longer will I stand to this tyranny and

do your yard work, listen to your exaggerated problems,

and take out your garbage! It is over, the age of

women! You all will fall under my rebellion...our

rebellion! This will be the age of man!

(Rushes offstage.)

FUTURE GIRL

(In complete shock.)

What?! What are you doing?! Hey! Don’t touch that!!

(Beat.) No, not the time machine!!

Lights change into many different colors and after

sounds fade back to normal.

[CUE FUTURISTIC MACHINE SOUNDS]

ALL MALE ACTORS

(Offstage:)

Where are we?! What is this place?! Oog!!

FUTURE GUY

(Offstage:)

Welcome to the great rebellion! Follow me!

FUTURE GIRL

(Afraid for her life.)

Rebellion! No!

(Runs in opposite direction offstage,

screaming.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 58.

Exeunt Future Girl. Enters Future Guy along with

all other male actors along with a few more male

actors dressed up in different time periods. They

are standing in what seems to be a football

huddle.

FUTURE GUY

(Leading and extremely full of

adrenaline.)

Alright, listen men, we are at war with the female

race! That’s why I need you to help out as much as you

can to stop their rule! This is the plan! You!

(To Dave:)

Go free our brethren at the prisons!

DAVE

Got it, dude! This is going to be so awesome!

FUTURE GUY

(To Chance:)

You go collect more men locked up in the other homes!

CHANCE

Alright! Let’s take them out!!! (Beats.) On dates!

FUTURE GUY

(To Michael:)

You attack the spas! Catch them off guard! Destroy

all their hot tubs!

MICHAEL

I will be right on it! Down with Communism!

FUTURE GUY

(To Perus:)

You, do what ever you can to take down their holy

grounds! Destroy the Central Mall until every store is

burning!

PERUS

(Extremely full of testosterone.)

For Rooooooooomeee!!!

FUTURE GUY

Alright then.

(To Caveman:)

And Caveman! Just go around and break everything you

can!

CAVEMAN

(Smashes his club repeatedly at the

ground while making energetic angry

grunts.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 59.

FUTURE GUY

(Full of adreniline.)

Alright! Ready men?!

ALL OTHER MALE ACTORS

(Cheer loudly)

FUTURE GUY

(Screams loudly)

Rebellion!!!

All rush across the stage in a mob fashion

cheering and shouting. The Caveman staggers

behind. Exeunt all male actors except Caveman.

CAVEMAN

(Just as he exits, he turns to other

side near time machine. Runs back.)

Caveman exits where he first came in.

Cue multi-colored lights.

[CUE FUTURISTIC MACHINE SOUNDS]

Caveman returns back onto stage as the lights fade

back to normal and sounds are finished.

CAVEMAN

(Stumbles back across the stage and just

as he exits, he whistles.)

[CUE VICIOUS DINOSAUR SOUND]

Exeunt Caveman. Lights fade out.

Scene 15

Lights fade in on Jessica.

[CUE COMMERCIAL SONG]

JESSICA

Wow! That was exciting! Now that you’ve seen a few

clips from our amazing video, you’re probably thinking:

"Hey, I just saw some amazing examples, why should I

buy this?" Well here is why! Our clips today are only

mere samples of what this amazing video holds! Our

video also covers many more eras to learn from such as:

The Greeks, Medieval times, the Renaissance, Pirates,

African tribes, ninjas, hippies, and even

Martians! And it can be all yours for five low

payments of-

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 60.

(Cough:)

$21.95...

(Quickly changing the subject.)

This video will do wonders for anyone who is simply

trying to cure their chronic dating lameness! You will

learn many techniques to woo that special someone.

(Beat.)

And even better! Need a little help along with the

videos? We will also include various products used in

the clips for an extra $50! These include: A caveman

club to show your tough side; fake, bronze armor to

create that bad boy look; a book named: "How to frame a

person as a Communist"; your own book of amazing pickup

lines; and a fake cell phone! Time machines sold

separately. Just ask for LOL’s video special package

for further details on those products.

(Beat.)

To order, just call 1-800-LUV-CURE, that’s

1-800-LUV-CURE.

(Beat.)

Now, to prove that our product genuinely works, we

bound and tied up Nerdy, locking him into a small room

to watch the video. And boy was it hard to put him

into a dark room by himself. Ironic right? Thought he

would be use to that by now. Now let’s check on him.

(Shouting offstage:)

Nerdy! Where are you?!

(To audience and slightly robotic:)

Caution: Not all cases can be cured. If your situation

happens to be much more complicated, possibly consult

with your doctor or psychiatrist, after ordering our

product, before using it. Possible side effects are:

Envy from your lack of friends, attention from women,

unwanted attention from women, and a sense of

accomplishment. If your case is not cured, LOL is not

responsible for any traumatic damages and will not

refund your money. Also we will-

[CUE ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Enter Nevil as a very attractive man, his entire

persona almost changed.

JESSICA

(Is at a lost for words, almost

stuttering.)

Uh-uh-Nev-Nevil?

NEVIL

(Very smooth.)

Hey. And call me Nev. I just got back from wrestling

a bear.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 61.

JESSICA

(Flirty.)

Wow...you must be pretty strong.

NEVIL

Yeah whatever, want to ditch this place and go

somewhere to eat?

JESSICA

Right now? Right now with me?

NEVIL

(Uncaring.)

If you don’t answer, I’ll just go find another chick to

go with-

JESSICA

No! No! I can go!

(She links to one of his arms.)

NEVIL

Cool. We’ll take my BMW.

(They take a few steps.)

But watch out, the seats are a little wet. I just

rescued an old lady from drowning after wrestling with

the bear.

JESSICA

I’ll bring a towel.

NEVIL

Alright then. Are we all set here?

JESSICA

Yes!

(Holds him close. To the audience:)

See? I told you...this video can make miracles happen.

(She smiles to him.)

NEVIL

(Smoothly smiles. The audience:)

Like Chance would say, "don’t hate the players...hate

The Game".

[CUE ENDING SONG]


62.

END OF PLAY

the game: the cure to chronic dating lameness

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